The Sabrina Zohar Show - 106: From First Date to What’s Next? How to Navigate the 0-1 Month Stage of Dating

Episode Date: November 8, 2024

Dating can be emotionally intense, even for those who've worked on themselves. Sabrina explains that dating triggers are normal, but trusting your instincts is crucial. Building a healthy relationship takes patience, self-awareness, and emotional regulation. Distinguish between anxiety (which spirals) and intuition (which feels calm). Set boundaries, stick to routines, and invest your emotions wisely. To manage overthinking, try journaling and mindfulness. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy can help break negative thought patterns. Stay present, be vulnerable without seeking validation, and take things slow. Focus on self-awareness and self-trust for a healthy start. Get Masha and Sabrina's new course, the Nervous System 101: Navigating the Unknown in Early Dating HERE! Struggling with a breakup? Join the Make It Make Sense: Getting Through a Breakup course from Sabrina and Britt Frank HERE! Stuck After the Podcast? Master Implementation in 8 Weeks with Sabrina's Foundation Course HERE! Get Ad free and 2 Bonus episodes a month HERE! Want to work with Sabrina? HERE! Don't forget to follow Sabrina and The Sabrina Zohar Show on Instagram and Sabrina on TikTok! Video now available on YOUTUBE! Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formally known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A.Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to an other episode of the Sabrina Zohar Show. My name is Sabrina Zohar, and I am your host. Welcome back, Babes. Welcome back to a, no, this isn't even welcome back. Welcome back to the show, first of all. But welcome, guys. I am doing a four-part series. And the reason I'm doing this is one, because I think we need to evolve the conversations that we're having. It's a lot of just like the same stuff, the same repetitive questions. And I think we need to have like a basic and a baseline understanding so that we can grow and evolve. And guys, like, as we move on, I'm going to start to incorporate new ideas, deeper topics. Like, I really want us to evolve and continue the work that we're doing together and go deeper

than just like the stuff that we're seeing everybody talk about. So today, we're going to go zero to one months. We're talking about the before you are even like meeting somebody into that initial meet and just that first month because originally I was going to do one to three months. And I realized, man, that's zero to one. We have a lot to talk about there. So we are going to go over that today. And guys, as always, thank you.

you so fucking much for everything. Thank you guys for showing up. And here's a big reminder. They have changed the way that their auto downloads work on the system. And so if you guys don't listen to three episodes in a row, they automatically remove my show from your library. So please don't forget, rate and review the show, follow along and please auto download the episode so that you can get them fresh every single week when we have them. And as always, guys, thank you. Thank you for sharing it with a friend. Thank you for supporting and thank you for allowing me to show up as myself. And so that you guys can also show up as yourself. And guys, if you need anything, as always, link in bio or in the show notes. You could join the course if you guys need

any more support. We have Masha's course coming out as well. It's already out by now on the nervous system, which will help with this time, the zero to three month time period. And guys, if you need anything else, it's all in the show notes and it's all on that link so you could get some free stuff, work with me if you need, and support yourselves in different ways. So guys, without further ado, let's get right on into it, shall we? Okay, guys. So we're going to do this. We're going to do it today. And the reason that we're going to do this is because at first I was like, Sabrina, come on, come up with always a different idea. I've got literally like 500 solo ideas. But I really thought, I think it's important for us to talk about those early stages of dating, right?

And kind of set the stage with like how the first month, the first before, the first anything before you even start to date can feel like a roller coaster. And let's think about why, right? So we hear this every day of like, I'd rather be single. I'd rather stay single. And it's like, well, what does that actually mean? Anytime somebody says that is like, I'd rather just not be triggered. because you can do so much beautiful work alone. You can heal and grow and have all these incredible awarenesses in therapy and within yourself and starting to understand your patterns. You know, that's why I created the foundation course. So it can give you a solid foundation. I can't tell you how many people will write in and be like, oh my God, these questions opened my eyes to things I never really thought about. So like you can do all of that beautiful work when you're single. But the reality is the minute that you start

to date and you start to meet people, you are going to get triggered. And it's what we do with those triggers that counts. It's not the fact that you're triggered because you're a human. You're going to be because if you weren't, I wouldn't believe you. And I'll be honest with you. If you weren't triggered and if you weren't having people that say things that would set you off, I'd be like, nah, we're full of shit. Then I think you're just shutting down. But the issue that we see is a lot of the times people spend so long being single, so used to the ecosystem that they've created and the nervous system and the way that things are that letting anybody in feels like, oh, no, I can't do this. And then, of course, you know, you have a bad experience and then one turns into two, turns into

three and it starts to compound. And of course, it's like, well, I'd rather not do this. But I don't want us to live in that space. I want us to come and be in a space of I trust myself that no matter what, I'll be okay. That sure, I might be nervous and I may be scared and I might be overthinking and I might be all of those things because I'm a human and I'm allowed to experience those things. But ultimately at the end of the day, I know that no matter what I'll be able to handle it. And that's what really changed everything for me, right? Like I, you know, somebody wrote it today on my TikTok, like easy for you to say these things, you're probably happily married and have never understood this. And it's like, no, it's easy to look at people like me and be like, oh, you just don't get it. And instead of being like,

oh, fuck, that person was me, I have to go through all of this to potentially be in this relationship. Yeah, welcome to doing the work, right? Do you look at like entrepreneurs? Do you look at Mark Cuban and all these people and just be like, well, I want to be a billionaire, but I have to do all of that. Okay, never mind, I just won't do it. And it's like, okay, well, so then you're not as motivated. That's not a goal. That's not a dream. That's not a non-negotiable. That's not part of your life. okay, cool, that's fine. You can just work at a job. Everybody is, right, we need them, everybody needs to be a cog in some kind of machine to make it work. But it's like, we choose our hard, right? If you have a goal, I want a relationship. I want a really healthy and secure

relationship, but I know that I grew up in a household where that was never modeled. Then I know that it's going to be significantly harder for me to get that than it would be somebody that just grew up in a secure home because they were given a different set of tools. That doesn't mean that one person's more or less deserving of it. That just means that it's different ways of handling and different ways of getting to the end result. So today I really wanted us to talk about the importance of that really like that first month, right? Before we even get into the relationship, when we're just starting to date, when you're just matching with people and you're getting all of these amazing chemicals and feelings and confusion and all of those things, really what we want to look at is it's not, I think a lot of people misconstrue and think that the work starts when you're dating. That like, oh, the dating is the hard work.

And I remember Mosh and I was saying dating isn't the hard work. The relationship is when the work starts. The dating is the fun part. The dating is the fantasy. and just figuring out if this is even somebody that you can coexist with. But when you actually have to co-create with somebody, you know, like yesterday, Ryan and I were doing something, and I got, he said something that annoyed me. And it was like, sure, could I have taken it personally and started to create this narrative?

Absolutely. But instead, I had to stop and I had to put space and I had to tap into my tools and start to really like understand what's coming up for me. And then I didn't bring anything up because the poor guy didn't do anything. He's allowed to have his time and his space on a Sunday to go watch football. And that's what I mean by like, as me being. a little girl that was triggered of like, oh, well, that's a priority. You'd rather do this. And it's like, no, I can reframe and come like an adult and say, my partner has every right

to say that they want to take three hours by themselves to go up, watch a game and stretch. Right? Like, it doesn't need to be something that I internalize. And so the reason I bring these things up is because I think we're so conditioned to think that once I get past the dating stage, everything's going to be amazing. And it's like, well, welcome to the series. Because I think the series is going to bring a little bit more elements of reality of what it really means to grow and cultivate a healthy and secure relationship, but that starts with a solid foundation, right? And so I want you guys to, like, reflect on the first month of dating experiences that you've had, right? And, like, that's the beauty of having the comment section.

We can interact with each other. I highly encourage with respect and love and how we speak to each other because we all know how the internet can go. Leave comments on Spotify or Apple, if you want to leave a review, like, again, please be cognizant of the words that we choose. I welcome everybody's opinions. Leave a comment on YouTube or on Insta on a video. On a video. of the podcast. Let me know. Really, start to think about the first month of dating up until even that. What are some patterns, right? Do we start to notice, yeah, I consistently get involved with someone who's emotionally unavailable. Okay, so what if I noticed the pattern being with the last six people that I've dated emotionally and available in that first time? They all, either, maybe they come on really strong,

or they all love bomb, or they come on really intense, or they promise the moon, the stars, and the sun, right? I have one of my girlfriends, and she's back into dating, newly divorced, just trying to figure her shit out. And she never really dated. Like, she's in her 40s. She's like, dude, I didn't do this. Like when I was in my 20s. She was like, well, fucking just met somebody in your 20s. And she started talking to this person and, you know, we were all at dinner. And she's telling us how safe she feels with this person. And then when Ryan and I saw the text, you're like, these are glaring red flags. And she just didn't know. And so now we're teaching her of like, hey, do you notice how much texting there is? But you guys have never spent any time together.

Do you notice the over promises that are happening of like, I want to know what it feels like to fall asleep next to you? And it's like, dude, I've never fucking met you. I literally don't know who you are. How would you have any idea what it feels like to fall asleep next to me? Because what happened is like you're building a fantasy. There's no way that anyone is going to be able to satisfy those needs. And the reality being that when you just meet somebody, we have to remember that there's the work of Dr. Helen Fisher.

The work of Dr. Helen Fisher is on the neurobiology of love and early stages of dating where dopamine the feel-good hormone spikes during new romantic experiences, while cortisol, the stress hormone, is rising due to. to uncertainty, right? So we have dopamine spiking, but so is the cortisol is spiking. And when we have a high stress reaction, it needs more of those neurotransmitters. It's why you feel like you need more and more and more. And so there is a neurobiological and chemical reaction that happens in the early stages of dating, right? And we need to know that. And that's why my friend when we were talking to her, we're like, hey, do you start to notice the pattern here? Every time you start to meet with a new gut,

you get really excited, you get really enamored, you start having all this. And then they do one thing, you start to become hypervigilant. You start to notice the difference. I'm like, there's a very clear trajectory. And she kept saying, well, it's because I don't feel safe. It's like, yeah, because your nervous system is picking up on this. There is a gut, your gut reaction. Because when we started to decipher, she said, yeah, you're right.

I did notice. He was like, when he asked me that question at first, I thought, that's weird. She's like, but then I thought, oh, no, no, no, flattering. And I answered. And I said, no, no, no, but that's a weird comment. That's what we want to start to pick up on. Right? So, like, off the bat, when we really started to look at the early stages of dating,

The number one thing that I need you guys to cultivate is self-trust. Overthinking, ruminating, spiraling, that is all a symptom of not trusting yourself. Because if you trust yourself, you don't need to think a thousand times about the same thing, right? Like I remember when I was changing the name, I was overthinking it. And then one day I just said, it's the Sabrina Zohar show. And I was very calm, very straight, very collected with that answer. And that was that. I didn't second guess.

I wasn't going back and forth. I was like, Sabrina, you made a decision. You're going to stick with it. If it doesn't work, that's okay. You'll figure it out. If it works. Great. It works.

So in the early stages of day. one thing baseline, we got to start to understand the difference between anxiety and intuition. It's a question you guys ask all the time, so let's talk about it. Anxiety versus intuition are two very different symptomatic, so physiologically and psychologically. So physiologically, the intuition is quite calming. It's usually just a calm, quick, you don't feel this crazy body reaction, right? Like think about if you saw somebody very sketchy across the street and you're alone walking by a dark alley as a woman, you might look and go, that doesn't feel right, right? Just an initial gut reaction and you're like, I need to go to safety

versus a dysregulated anxious avoid, it would be like, what, did they not think I'm pretty enough? Am I not worthy? It's like, what? The gut reaction is there to serve for your highest good. Hey, this doesn't feel safe. I need to leave. Something feels off here. I need to get curious, right? It's for your highest good. I don't like this. So I'm going to do this to understand more. That's the, intuition doesn't come with body sensations. You don't start sweating and having panic attacks when you're having your intuition versus anxiety, which is also, we call that the dysregulated state, that comes with a very clear body reaction. Your body is feeling all this. You might be sweating. You're having heart palpitations. You can't sit still. You feel like your neck is cramped.

And then the narrative that comes with the anxious thoughts are to hurt and harm us. I'm not good enough. What am I not worthy? Did they find someone better? I knew I was too much. Notice the narrative and the body sensations, right? That's the quickest way to even understand. what's happening in my body and what is the narrative surrounding the situation that I've created. That will help you because I hear the thoughts of like, I don't want to self-sabotage. And it's like, well, then we have to learn to put space and challenge our thoughts and show up and say, am I doing this because this feels like an easy out or am I doing this because I genuinely don't feel connected to this person and I felt very disrespected by what they said to me, right?

Think about you're talking to a child. There's a little inner child in there that needs you in these early stages of dating and you are the one that's going to save them. No one else is coming to save you. And that's a fallacy that we have to drop, that if I just meet the right person, I meet someone secure, then they're just going to take away all of my insecure attachment and my anxiety will go away. Absolutely not. You can meet someone incredibly secure and they could say something that can trigger you. A song can come on that could trigger you. That's not someone else's responsibility,

nor is that their job to heal or save you. That is on us to then go, whoa, this person's, the beauty of having someone safe in your environment is that if I have a trigger, they're not judging me and attacking me. If I say, whoa, I'm so sorry, I just got so disregulated. this really sent me for a loop, they create a space for you to investigate that of like, hey, babe, what's going on? Do we need to take a second? Do you need to sit down? Notice how someone's secure. They don't take that away from you because them validating being like, no, but I'm not leaving and everything's fine. So then what that is is that you're waiting to send for that external validation. Someone's safe. Just create a safe space for you to explore and express yourself.

So that's something that we just need baseline understanding of. When we think about the early stages of dating. We have to think that dopamine is released in anticipation of a reward, right? Receiving a text back, having a great date, rather than the reward itself. So dopamine is released when you're waiting for this to happen. And then notice how like it's anticlimactic, you might be waiting, waiting, waiting, and then you go on and you're like, oh, yeah, they were okay, they weren't that great, right? The dopamine is released an anticipation of, so that's why we want more and more and more. I think of it as like a little drug dealer. And then that anticipation creates excitement and anxiety. So that is specifically in the early stages of dating. So there was a study done in 95 that

shows that cortisol spikes during uncertainty, which can explain why the first month of dating often feels emotionally overwhelming for anxious daters because you're going through these spikes. So remember, the reason we go over all this is because a couple of things. One, someone fucking left her a review on Apple being like, she just repeats herself. It's all the same. It's like because that's welcome to psychology and to being an expert on something. If I were to change, every time you listen to an episode, I gave you something new, I would be concerned. I would be concerned with, every time you listen, there's something new that they're teaching or doing, because then I would say, well, but what about what we've already learned? How do we utilize what we already have?

Part of this healing work is repetition. So remember, going into something, like right now, I'm going through a fucking mold detox. It is so not fun. And before I even started my functional medicine doctor, the first thing she said is, I want to prep you, this is going to be shitty, right? Knowing, entering in, okay, this is going to be tough. I am withdrawing off drugs like sugar and gluten and different things. I already know that. So going into it the first couple of weeks, I've been pretty tough, but I'm just like, okay, Sab, you can handle this. You've been through this before. So knowing that when you enter dating, you're going to be having a mix of cocktails. That's why it's so important to be in touch with your body and so self-aware of what's coming up for you

to constantly remind yourself like, hey, this is that, this is that drug dealer. Right. Again, I don't say not to do the texting thing just because I live under a rock and I'm being Pollyanna. reason I tell you guys not to do the texting and get so engaged with somebody early on is because you're putting a little drug dealer in your hand. Every time you see their name pop up, you're getting the dopamine. Every time you wait, because it's anticipation, when's the next? When's the next? When's going to do this? When's this going to happen? And you're waiting for the other person to validate and to give you a little dopamine hit. It's like when I saw that one creator say, here's how to be their

dopamine. I was like, oh my God, now you're fucking with someone's neurochemicals. Like, that's manipulation to a whole other level. Trying to create and be the verge. be someone's dopamine, that's not sustainable, nor is that ever something that you can accomplish, let me just say. And so when we want to talk about the reward pain cycle here, so early dating can create a cycle of dopamine-fueled rewards of getting into tax, yadiatia, followed by pain, waiting for a response, wondering about the future, similar to intermittent reinforcement, which can create heightened anxiety. Again, this is where I say, we could get swept up because remember, what is the brain love familiarity and patterns? The brain loves to go from feeling to fuck.

It doesn't want to sit there and be like, hmm, let's use new neural pathways, right? No, your brain's like, hey, they're overwhelmed. Just do what they always do. So now, right, you first meet somebody. This is that early stages, right? Guys, this is, maybe even have you even met this person. Set boundaries. Hey, this is not a sign of my disinterest.

I'm just not interested in sending, like somebody wrote in being like, I get paragraphs from this person. I've had one date with them. And it's like, that's not appropriate because what's happening is that person is trying to force intimacy and force a connection when you don't know this person, right? You don't know who these people are. you've spent two hours with them, but yet sending them all of this stuff, like, here's a reality, you're not triggered. That's why when you watch all these true crime shows and all this stuff,

and it's like, oh, they didn't know until they had this situation. It's like, yeah, because when you're on the phone or you're texting, you're regulated for the most part. You're not consistently triggered by something because you get to also create, when you get a response from someone, you create, how would I answer this message? So if I'm talking to someone and I've never met them or if I had one date and it's, they're asking a question, I can romanticize that and I can create something that it's not because I'm so anticipating the reward of like, oh my God, when I get this, I'm going to be so happy. And it's like, no, I need to be happy with what I have in front of me. Like Jason Goldberg said, good with, good with out. If you're not good without someone, you're not going to be good with them.

And you can't only be good because you have somebody. So that intermittent reinforcement is a very real thing, right? We have to really look at, okay, wow, that pain and that pleasure are going hand in hand. And I know it because I used to do it. I used to like sit and like be all day waiting, waiting. the minute I got the text when I'd see their name on my phone, I was just waiting for the next one. I was waiting for the next one. And the reason being was because they weren't showing up.

They weren't being sustainable. They weren't being consistent in the beginning. They weren't being the things that they need to be in order for me to feel safe and secure. So when I was constantly in this disregulated state of when, when is it going to happen? What's going to happen? Where?

That's because I was waiting for something, waiting for something to happen as opposed to understanding what was happening and said what is instead of looking at what if. Right? Early stages of dating. Let's talk about pacing yourself. So emotional regulation is really important.

So according to the work of Dr. Gross, an emotional regulation strategy can help manage how much emotional investment one puts into a new relationship. So this is where we say things like journaling, right? And like I know, you know, we hear this every day of like, okay, so what is like I meditated and I journaled? Like I don't feel any better. And it's like you have to do something 3,000 times for it to create a new neural pathway. And the reason that we recommend journaling over typing it on your phone or just whatever

is because it activates a different part of your brain. And I've done that. We're all right out like my fears. I'll be like, I'm scared of this. And then I'll stop and be like, okay, Sabrina, now that you read that back, like, how does that actually sound? Does that actually sound valid? No, that's okay.

I don't need to, no shame or blame. We need to remove that from the early stages of dating. There is no, there's no space for like, oh, I fucked this up again. What's wrong with me? It's like, listen, you want to stay on that loop. Go ahead. I can't stop you. But I will tell you, stop speaking to yourself like people spoke to you when you were a kid.

Because half the time when I'm trying to figure out a voice, I usually realize it's my father. It's not actually me because I don't believe those things about myself at its core. I was taught that there was something wrong with me, but I don't genuinely believe coming out of my mother's womb that I was born something wrong with me. So that's in it of itself. So we have to keep emotional investment to the same level as the person that is also investing in you. So if we're looking here and saying there's a disconnect, I've had one date with this person and already I want to be in their or I want to be in a relationship with them or they want one with me and then vice versa of but I only don't know this person for two hours. The pinch doesn't match the out.

Then we're looking and going, okay, one person's fantasizing and creating their narrative and the other person is probably living in the present moment. Because if we leave a date, I want you to start asking yourself some questions after a first date. How did I feel when I was with them? Did I feel like they listened to me and asked questions? And like I'm tired of this conversation of like, well, you know, someone neurodivergent. It's like there's a big difference between someone neurodivergent not asking you questions and someone that's just sitting there just constantly answering questions about themselves, drinking and checking out other women while you walk by, right? So like, is this person attempting to make eye contact with you? Right. Are they having

fucking conversations of depth? Are they asking questions that may are interesting to you or are you just sitting there asking them questions but yet idealizing them into something that they're not? Right. A lot of the times we can feel familiar with somebody that it might feel familiar. Like this is how it feels when I talk to my dad. He never really asks me any questions. It's me just keeping the conversation going. And that's okay. As you guys know, none of this is about shame or blame, but it's about awareness. Another thing I would say is stick to your fucking routines. In the early stages of dating, that dopamine will come in and convince you that like, this is it. Give up everything. This is your shot. And it's like, it's not. You don't know these people. And what I mean,

but you don't know these people, you haven't seen them in different walks of life, right? Even in the first month, even three, four, five dates. It's like, again, you still don't know people. Have you set a boundary? Have you said no to them? Have you had a conversation with them of things that bother you? Have you shared with them something really vulnerable and how have they received it? Do you feel seen hurt and understood with this person or do you feel constantly anxious? When you're with them, everything's amazing, but when you're not, you're fucking spiraling and freaking out and, okay, well, then there's a disconnect. Right. We want consistency throughout that when I'm with you, it's not high highs and low lows and we're not peaking and valuing because then I would say we need to start

to look at our window of tolerance. Right. So like continue having your friend time. Do not cancel your girls or boys nights. All right, if somebody says, well, I can only hang out this week on Thursday and you're busy Thursday, hey, I'm so sorry, I'm busy. How's next weekend, though? Like, trust me, what's for you is not going to pass you. So setting a boundary or, you know, honestly expressing yourself isn't going to end a real relationship. And the more that we think it is, well, then the more we're self-abandoning, hoping that somebody else is going to choose us. I would hope that we're maybe doing some therapy, right? Are you working on yourself? It doesn't have to be that everybody has to be in therapy at the same time doing the same thing. But are you growth-minded? Right.

Or are we rigid and we have just black and white? Are we still entering of if they don't text me, then that means they don't like me. Because it's like, or my, you know, start to look too. When we look at our dating patterns, again, like part of the chorus is like really taking stock of like, what are my dating patterns, my limiting beliefs, how am I showing up? What are things I really need? Am I seeing a pattern in the way that I am, right? Am I being too rigid with my boundaries?

Am I not allowing somebody to be a human and asking for them to be super stoic? Just also being introspective within ourselves, right? And then there's another thing I wanted to share with you guys. It's called Cognitive Load Theory. So it was 1988. Excessive texting can overwhelm cognitive resources leading to increased emotional stress, keeping communication to set times allows the brain to rest, reducing cognitive overload and emotional strain. guys, that's what I'm saying. It's important to still live your life. I get it. I'm not, I'm not a date. I've dated too. I know how exciting those texts can be. But in the early stages. And like it's the same thing of like, oh, well, we had one date and I didn't hear from them. And like, da, da, da, it's like, yo, dude, how about we maybe just look at this and say, I'm going to release control to the outcome? I'll show my interest. I'll tell somebody I want to see them. I'll text them if I genuinely have something to say. But if I go on a date with someone and I don't hear from them for a week and it's only because I reach out with them, that's probably just not a reciprocated interest. I don't need, I'm so tired of this. Like really what I'm tired of, is the like, well, that just means they don't want a relationship with you. And it's like, why do we need to fucking take everything personally? Sure, maybe it's you and maybe it's not.

It doesn't really matter. What matters is it that this is not a person for you, that that's not your match. That's what we know. Creating judgment and narratives around, well, it's because it's you and they don't want this and they don't want that. You know so much about them to diagnose them as a narcissist or as an avoidant, but yet we know so little about how that makes you feel and what's happening in your own body. So maybe we can just shed all the stories and just say, it's just not a match. They're not picking up what I'm putting down.

I don't need to add more judgment because you don't know. Could it be something that, and way that we're coming off? Absolutely. Could it also just be that this person's not emotionally available? Absolutely. That's something that we can take accountability for ourselves if I'm dating emotionally unavailable people, but that doesn't mean that we need to shame and blame and be like, oh, it's because it's me.

Well, it's a little arrogant, don't we think? So now let's talk about some managing, overthinking, and triggers. So when we think about it in the neuroscience component, that's called amygdala over. activity and anxious individuals. So research by Etkin in 2010 indicates that the amygdala, as you guys know what we talk about, the amygdala is the back, that limbic part of the brain. The brain's fear center becomes hyperactive in individuals with heightened anxiety, leading them to overreact to perceived relational threats. So that can look like over analyzing

gestures or silence, right? And then we start to go into ruminating, right? And that introduces like the rumination aspect where people with anxiety often feel trapped in a cycle of repetitive negative thoughts. So in early dating, this can lead to forms of obsessing over unrelated, unreturned texts or small interactions. So how do we actually break that? One, awareness is a really, really beautiful aspect. So even just by saying, if you're like, I do that, you're already ahead of the game. You're already aware of what you're doing. So off the bat, fuck yeah, be proud of yourself. So then we want to look at things like acceptance and commitment therapy, so ACT. team. So that encourages you guys to accept your feelings without becoming consumed by them.

My favorite technique to use is using the five senses. What are three things I'm hearing right now? What are two things I'm seeing right now? Right. Just even stopping yourself to be like, I'm breaking the loop. Sometimes I'll do that and I'll literally break the loop by saying, Sabrina, you're on loop and I'll say it out loud. And Ryan knows. I'll be like, I'm on loop right now. I'm in my, I'm in my rumination. I'm in my spiral because I'm scared. And like just even calling it, you turn your prefrontal cortex on. So if you find that you're ruminating, you're looking, well, they only, they put a period. Stop yourself and be like, okay, what are three things in this room right now?

There's a pink chair, you know, right, whatever, right? There's thing, okay, I'm in this space right now. I'm overthinking because I'm scared. I'm scared. What am I scared about? I'm scared that they're going to leave me. Okay, what's so scary about that? Well, I feel abandoned.

Okay, but am I actually abandoned by this person? No, I've known them for two hours. I guess that's not really abandonment. It just feels like it. Oh, okay, so this is triggering an earlier core memory. Okay, so there's a little meaningful. in there that doesn't feel good enough. That feels like everybody just picks over her. Well, what does she need to hear from me right now? Maybe she needs to hear from me that I fucking love her and I choose her,

that I think my little me is amazing and that, yeah, she's scared that she's going to lose people, but that like Britt Frank always taught me, just let your little know, you already did. All these fears fears that you have in the early dating of like they're going to leave me and abandon me. It's like, no, those are the fears that you had of mom and dad. That already happened because you're an adult now. So all those fears came true. Whether it was your parents leaving you or not, it doesn't matter. But the fears happened. You went through that experience. And so, now we get to reclaim control and say, wait a minute, that's true, right? I can start to understand different aspects of CBT therapy, right? So instead of reacting impulsively, I can put some space and say,

wait, I'd like to respond, right? What would a secure version of me respond with? Normally, I react like this. Normally I scream and I yell, or I'll send 100 texts. The secure version of me would take a minute. So I'm going to take a minute. And I'm going to process and see how I feel. And maybe I'm to go punch a pillow because I have energy I need to move. I safely move. Or maybe I'm just so burnt out that I just need to sit up straight and just give myself a little bit, right? You can take control over what happens. Your brain's not control of you. You're in control of your brain. And it's really, really important to have these tools in place so that you can, you don't have to be in control of your emotions. If you have a reaction, that's what we want to look at. You want to be in control of your

emotional reaction to things, not the emotions. You're allowed to be sad and angry and piss, but that doesn't mean that you're allowed to punch a wall or send a thousand text messages, right? You have every right to feel all of these things. You start to notice, right? You go on a first date. Ask questions of depth. What are you scared of losing? Somebody that you don't know? Great. I'd rather you say, this is too much. Then, okay, cool. Great. I'm so glad that I know that you don't have the emotional bandwidth that I do. It's not a fucking, I'm not sitting here being like spitfire questions and interview like you're at a police station. It's like, no, you could also just be curious and see if this aligns with you. And then when you leave, it's also about holding two conflicting truths. I really

enjoyed this person's company, but I'm also okay if I never see them again. Sure, it might be a bummer. It might sting because I had a really good time. But I also need to be aware that, like, I live a really beautiful life. And these people are in addition to my life. They're not instead of it. And if dating is instead of, then that's the shit that we want to look at. No, you don't need to wait until you're 100% healed to date. There is no such thing as being 100% healed. But what we want to look at is, do I have tools to handle what comes my way in the dating and relationship landscape? Do I know how to handle someone else? And can I put and create space? That's what we want to look at. Because you're going to grow. You hurt in relationships. You heal in relationships. You're

going to have people as you're dating. They're going to teach you. Oh, wow. Yeah, I guess you're right. Somebody not texting me every day doesn't mean that they don't like me. Thank you for teaching me a new way of doing things. That doesn't mean that that's your person. I get that every day of like, this person's amazing, but I'm not physically attracted to them, but they treat me well. It's like, well, you don't need to do charity work. You can have a world where you're attracted to this person physically and also emotionally have your needs met. But it might not be this like crazy movie.

Oh my God, I have so much passion. I don't know what to do with it feeling. That might not be the early stages of dating for you. And that's okay. Right. So now we want to understand building self-trust because that's huge. So there is a theory called the self-efficacy theory. So self-efficacy, which refers to a person's belief in their ability to manage life's

challenges, including dating. So anxious attaches and daters often struggle with low self-efficacy, doubting their worth or their ability to navigate a relationship. And so now it's about building self-truths, right? Okay, so I want you to reflect on past relationships and how you navigated similar situations. So use this as evidence to reaffirm that you do have skills. For example, I manage similar feelings in the past. I can handle them again, right? Like I always said, well, I'll be like, we've been through this before. Like, you've been through hard. This isn't to be what ends you. So if somebody, right, I'm feeling anxious, but I felt anxious before and I've made it through. I can handle this. You guys, some of you guys will look at me and you're like,

how do you stay strong all the time? Like I did a panel and she said, well, you lived in New York. You knew how to set boundaries. You always knew how to do this. Can you help the people that didn't? I'm like, who said that? Where did you learn that from? That I always knew how to do this. I'm like, I learned how to do this by that by saying, wait, Sprina, you have done this before. Okay, so you can do it again. You have been through really hard. I've lost a lot before. I will lose again. And that's part of it. That's. That's, It's understanding that, like, I am not a wallflower. I'm not going to turn to stone every time as minor inconvenience happens in my life

because I'm a much stronger person than that. And I want to be a much stronger person than that. And you guys all have self-efficacy. You can all take care of yourselves. You're running your lives. But we remember, when you go into that amygdala part of your brain in the early stages of dating, we feel like a child again. That's why we have to regulate and come back to now. Regulating again, regulating your nervous system doesn't mean that these emotions go away.

It just means that you're validating and saying, I'm allowed to feel this, right? you want to know about self-trust and building self-love, stop discrediting yourself. Oh, this is stupid. I'm so dumb. I shouldn't have said that. I sound like I'm crazy. All of those things, you wonder why you don't trust yourself and why you don't validate yourself. And you wonder why other people are allowed to speak to you like that.

Look how you talk to yourself. It's not about being arrogant. Right. And when we think about self, like building this self-trust and validation, I am worthy of love. I am. I am deserving of it. Where did I learn that I'm not? When I was a kid, I really learned that message.

that I had to earn love and that this is a challenge and that I have to do all of these different things in order to get love. But that doesn't mean I'm living in that space anymore, nor do I want to live in that space anymore. And you're allowed to say that. You're allowed to outgrow things. And that a beautiful part of healing. And so when we talk about building self-trust and love, it's also about self-trust that like, I've been through hard before. I've had people waste my time. Like one of my clients the other day finally messaged me and she was like, you know, in the past, this would have been really hard for me. And she was like, But like you've always said, she's like, look how I've been through three fuck boys in the last like six months.

And she's like, that's on me. And she took full ownership and she's like, and here are all the things I've learned from it. That's why this. She was like, I was so okay to walk away from this. It doesn't serve me. Again, it takes time. Don't be upset with yourself if you're not there yet. I wouldn't expect you to be your learning. You're growing and you're evolving. Go easy on yourself. The early stages of dating is very anxiety-inducing. And that's why Masha and I created this course to help you guys to have the tools that you need to regulate, to understand about the nervous system in the last. to get really in touch with yourself. As you guys know, those are always available. All right, the last aspect that I really wanted to go over

was staying present in the first month. Okay? So mindfulness-based stress reduction. So there was a study in 1990 from Kabat Zinn on how mindfulness can help anxious individuals stay present and avoid catastrophizing. So mindfulness technique would be like, let's talk about breathing or body sensations, right?

like in the dating when we look at like the immediate experience instead of future worries, right? So for today, I feel really good. I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. And when I start to get anxious, like even me, you think I'm not?

I'm a human. I have a business I'm running and every day I don't know what's going to happen. One day I could have a thousand new podcast listeners in an hour and then the next day I have zero. One day I sell 50 courses and the next day I'll say zero.

It's not that ecstatic, but you know what I'm saying. We only have for now. And you're not the only person that feels anxious when you don't know what's going to happen. Dating is anxiety inducing. So stop. gaslighting yourself of like, oh, it's my anxious attachment. Attachment theory only comes in when

you're triggered. It's not just, well, this person just ignores all my texts. It's like that person just sounds like they're a dickhead. It's not about it. Oh, they're avoidance. It's like, so they're always triggered. So, they're always anxious. Okay, so it's always anxious attachment. So you're always triggered because that's what we need to look at. Start to incorporate some mindfulness techniques, right? Meditate. That's why promote Open and different apps, right? You guys get a free month with open.com slash Sabrina. And you can try mindfulness. That's what helped me. me more than anything, was seeing thoughts and being like, I don't need to attach to these. I can allow them to move on. I would not recommend meditating when you're dysregulated, of course, because you

want to be able to be in a more regulated state. But it's really, really important to have some different techniques that you can tap into and tools that you can tap into going for a walk, right? Something basic, doing jumping jacks when you feel like you have too much energy. This morning, we went and worked out because I was like, I'm going to go out of my mind if I don't move my body. It's cool. Go for a walk. Just do something. Have a hot cup of tea. Just do something for you so that you can come back to the present moment and remind yourself like, okay, so I haven't heard from this person in two hours. I also don't know them. The reaction, the pinch doesn't match the hours. I'm reacting to them like I would to my parents. And for that, I need to stake accountability and ownership and say

this isn't on them. And I don't need to have a conversation with this person because they didn't answer me because they're allowed. They're at work. Let's go into, as you guys know, we're doing the game speed dating. And it's just going to answer some fit, spitfire questions that you guys asked. So we're always every episode. I'm going to end it with questions that you guys asked to make sure that I answer what you guys need. So how can I be vulnerable in the beginning, but not get attached? So guys, vulnerability is about showing parts of yourself without feeling like you're dependent on the outcome, right? So if I'm going to share something, I'm going to share a personal story, it's also about emotionally pacing. It's not about trauma

dumping and being like, here, let me tell you about the time that my father used to hit me on our first date. It's like, whoa, I don't know you. Right? So you can keep the investment balanced. So if they say something vulnerable, then you can share and reciprocate on the same level. They say, oh, man, when I was a kid, I used to like watch that show and like, oh, I used to get made fun of in school. You could be like, oh, my God, you know what I got bullied for? My hair styles. Right? And you can share something funny like that versus if they're like, and you're like, yeah, I remember like this one time when my ex and you're like, don't do that. Don't do that. Right. And so it's like, it's about connecting and not attaching. You're not asking this person for validation when you're sharing something. So that's really it.

It's like when you're getting attached. It's because you're waiting for them to validate the outcome or for them to tell you, it's okay. And for that, no, you're just sharing something. Like, oftentimes, that's how I got Ryan more vulnerable was I would share something first. I'd like, oh, God, I remember being like, God, kids made fun of me so much because I had gold braces when I was a kid. I can't believe I'm sharing that. And he would be like, you know what I had? And then I was like, oh, you know what? I had had a back brace. And we just kept going on of like moments that I wasn't seeking his validation. I was telling him a vulnerable story about myself, something that was honest and real. Right. If he, you know, if you asked like, how are your relationship with your parents?

when he told me he didn't talk to my, his dad, I said, hey, I don't talk to mine either. Thank you for sharing that, because I know that's really tough. And we could go into that later at a different time. Like, there's a way to share things and then say, I don't feel comfortable. Like, people have asked me about my family early on. I'll say, I don't feel comfortable sharing that off the bat. But as I get to know you, I'd love to share more about that. That's how you share vulnerability without also then getting attached.

Because getting attached means that you're not connecting with this person. You're waiting for them to validate and you need them, not want them. Is it okay to see other people during this time? Yes, it is. Dating is gathering. information. You're gathering data on this person. If you want to date other people, you can. If you don't, you don't have to. The reason I say to date other people is so that you don't get hyperfocus and overly attached to one person thinking there's no one else. Dating multiple people leaves you to go,

oh yeah, there are other people. Right? I don't have to just, okay, this didn't work out. That's okay. I have other people. Even though I might not be as into them, that doesn't mean that there's not other people still. So I would say, and here's the other thing. If you're dating somebody in the first month, you're like, well, they're still in the apps. It's like, yeah, okay, so are you? Because you figure that one out. Until you both agree. And it should not be happening in the first month. I'm sorry. There's no reason to be exclusive within a first month. You don't know people. How much could you possibly hang out in the first month? No more I would hope than fucking eight, nine times. If you're seeing someone more than once or twice a week in that early

stage, we need to just pump the brakes. Just give yourself a minute. You know, I've had friends that they rush into shit in the beginning and they tell me you're being cynical and negative. And then five months later, they're like, oh my God, this person's a nightmare. They're a monster. I'm like, yeah, remember that whole don't rush into it. I'm like, it's not that I'm saying not to date these people. What I'm saying is just go slow. Just take your time so that you can have the opportunity to really vet and see. If I'm going to date you, it's not because I'm waiting for you to choose me or there's no one else. I'm dating you because I believe that you are the right person for me as well. And I believe I can be the right person for you. What are signs of true incompatibility?

How can you spot them? So that comes up when we talk about lifestyle core values, ethos, ethics. So if you're somebody that is into commitment and there's somebody that's into casual dating, that's a red flag, that's incompatibility. If you're somebody who is super political in this way and you refuse to date someone that's not, and they're on the opposite side, that's incompatibility. You want children they don't, not compatible, right? They want to move to Timbuck, too, and you never want to move because you want to stay with your family. Incompatible. Do you share future goals, ethos, morals, ethics, right? Do you believe gay marriage? Do you believe in it, yeah or nay? Abortion, do you believe in it in gay or nay? I don't care where you stand with any of this. It's your opinion and

don't give a fuck, but do they also align? Right? Like, there's a lot of going on in the world. And do you want somebody in your home that you have to fucking fight? Like, if you've watched Love is Blind Season 7 and you look at even Ramses and Marissa, they are completely opposing on so many aspects and they just keep being like, that's okay, we'll figure this out. And it's like, no, you're not. You're going to figure it out when that becomes an issue and you go, fuck, I shouldn't have overlooked the red flags that this person kept disagreeing with like my past. It's like, yeah, that's what I mean. You can't be with somebody. If somebody's going to be against a career that you had, like I couldn't date somebody that didn't believe in mental health and therapy. I'd be like, well, then what are we doing

here? Right? That's compatibility. And that is like, you know, if you can't communicate and they can, then you're not compatible, you can learn. But again, are you growth minded? Are you doing the work on yourself to see? And these are things we have to stop overlooking the red flags. Right? If someone's super rude to a waiter on the first date, I'm ready, I'm going to be like, oops, that's not cool. I'm not, that's not compatible because I don't treat people like that. It's just about really seeing, can I grow old with this person? Will these things inevitably. non-negotiable for me. Do we have the same morals, ethos, and ethics? Do we see life in the same way? And do we want to see life? Do we want to go in the same pattern? And the same my direction, I mean?

That's what's important. When is it appropriate to really start talking about your feelings? Start talking about your feelings from date one, but also be in mind and that the pinch doesn't matter, that the pinch matches the ouch, that you also need to have emotional security and safety to do that. So if you express yourself and you're telling somebody, I really like you. And I'm really enjoying going slow and I'm really enjoying like this and they're not gaslighting you and they're not being like, well, of course you enjoy it. Like, look who you get to go out with. And you're like, what? That's weird. When I said something to you, you deflected and you took out, right? Like, you didn't make me feel comfortable with that response. That's what we want to look at.

Right. When you feel comfortable to share, that's a really great sign that you're deepening the relationship and you're able to express yourself. So like when we say, you know, you don't want to rush too early of like, I think you're the maze. I've never met a person like you. And I've never been with anyone like you. It's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, cut the bullshit. You don't know me that well. It's really hard for you to fucking say that when you've known me for two hours. But if you just say, like, I had a really great time with you and I'd love to see you again. If they're like, absolutely, that was fantastic. Can I take you out on Saturday? Sounds great, right? That's safe. You feel comfortable expressing yourself because they receive it. Express. Communicate.

And if it, but remember, again, the pinch doesn't match the out. It's not about overly communicating just so you don't have to deal with abandonment. It's about communicating how you feel that's authentic of like, I've known this person for two hours. Okay, well, that was a nice time. Or, I've known them for three dates. Okay, well, I don't think they're the love of my life after three dates. And if I do, then I have to start to look and say based on one information. All right, babes, let's answer one more. How to stop falling in love so soon.

So that's tied to projection. Falling in love soon is tied to production because you're idealizing someone before you really know them. So you've got to stay focused on the reality, right? You've got to stay grounded that each one, if you're catching yourself, right, like, fantasizing about them, stop yourself and ask, what do I know about this person right now? What do I know about them versus what do I hope they're going to, to become, right? Like emotional pacing, mindfulness, checking in with yourself.

Where you're like, but they're so amazing. What makes them so amazing? List me three things right now. But they're so they don't want me. Now, that's what it is. It's because they don't want you. We have to also look at like, why are we so obsessive with somebody? The idea of them, right? Because you don't become, you only obsess over things that don't make you feel safe. So if we're obsessing over things that don't make us feel safe, then we need to stop and look and say, okay, so this isn't love. That's attachment, not connection. That's the biggest aspect. here guys is I want you guys to truly set a really solid foundation. And the reason I focus so heavily on you is because that's where it starts. This is nothing to do with these other people, right?

Do you trust yourself? Have you understanding emotional regulation and pacing? Do we understand that like things take time and that you're not going to, you might not have an immediate answer. And this isn't about like, what are three things I can look out for to make sure they're not a this? It's like, so then you don't trust yourself if you need to go on a fucking wild goose chase. listen to your body, understand your sensations. And then now, now we have that baseline. Now the next solo we're going to do is one to three months, deepening, going further into, okay, now we're progressing.

Because then we're going to get into the three to six month after that, and then the six month plus. Because I do believe that there is an understanding that we have to have of every fucking level and foundation so that we can build a solid one. And right now, the zero to one month is about focusing about us, turning it inwards. How do I feel?

Every time we start to focus on, them. Why do they do this? Why are they doing this? Bring it to you. Well, what is the saying about me? What's coming up for me? How do I feel in my body? It will change the fucking game for you because it's not about them. It's also about you. Guys, I hope you loved it. Leave me a comment. Let me know in there. If you guys like this series idea, we could do other series as well and we can definitely have more fun. But I wanted to try to bring something so we can deepen the conversations and start to evolve. because, yes, a lot of us are dating, but a lot of us are also progressing into relationships, and it's about supporting us on every step of the journey.

Guys, as always, thank you if you need anything. Link in show notes and the bio and all that fun shit. And until next time, my babies.