The Sabrina Zohar Show - 108: The Messy Middle: Navigating Uncertainty in the 1-3 Months Of Dating

Episode Date: November 15, 2024

Welcome to part 2 of this series, in this episode, Sabrina dives into the 1-3 month stage of dating, where deeper emotions and unexpected triggers often emerge. She emphasizes the importance of self-trust and self-regulation, explaining that dating anxiety is natural but should be managed with tools like grounding exercises and clear communication. Sabrina advises acknowledging your triggers without projecting them onto your partner, instead taking the opportunity to explore them personally. Practicing boundaries and fostering self-regulation are key—rather than seeking constant validation, work on inner resilience. Sabrina stresses that anxious daters need to reframe their responses to uncertainties, understanding that not every unmet expectation is a crisis. At two to three months, it's appropriate to discuss exclusivity and shared values, as consistency and emotional availability become essential. Sabrina encourages being honest about needs and expectations while allowing space for the relationship to develop naturally. Get Masha and Sabrina's new course, the Nervous System 101: Navigating the Unknown in Early Dating HERE! Struggling with a breakup? Join the Make It Make Sense: Getting Through a Breakup course from Sabrina and Britt Frank HERE! Stuck After the Podcast? Master Implementation in 8 Weeks with Sabrina's Foundation Course HERE! Get Ad free and 2 Bonus episodes a month HERE! Want to work with Sabrina? HERE! Don't forget to follow Sabrina and The Sabrina Zohar Show on Instagram and Sabrina on TikTok! Video now available on YOUTUBE! Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formally known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A.Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, hello, hello. And welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar show. My new is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. Hi, babes. Welcome back to another solo. I wasn't kidding when I said you're getting way more of me moving forward. And every other episode's going to be a solo. Of course, once in a blue moon, it's going to be a couple of guests back to back.

But for the most part, I'm really excited guys. And I'm just stoked. Welcome to another week, my babies. So this week, it's part two of the series, right? So the last solo we had was zero to one months. and I really wanted to focus on like the before anything happens. And now we're going to go one to three months because I think it's really important for us to understand more nuance and more understanding and more aspects and more things that are going to come up as we start to date and continue on. So guys, as always, thank you, thank you for everything. If you need anything, link in show notes, Masha and I have the new nervous system course, which will pair perfectly with all of the stuff that we're talking about, which isn't just if you're dating. It's also just for life. It helps you regulate your nervous system in the uncertain time. So really helpful. But of course, there's a foundation course, it's the breakup course. There's some free guys. They're shit in the link and notes. If you need anything, please don't hesitate.

And guys, as always, thank you, thank you for rating and reviewing the show. Please, please share it with a friend. Rate and review the show. Any place you're listening to, please be kind when we're leaving a comment or writing anything, as we are humans who read them. But other than that, I'm just so grateful. Thank you guys for allowing me to be here with you guys. And thank you for showing up as you and allowing me to show up as me.

So, guys, without further ado, let's get right on into it, shall we? Okay, babies, we're back. Guys, we got some fun shit coming up. I'm really stoked, something that we haven't quite announced yet, but I will say the show is going to take a slight turn. You guys know, when I say the show, what I mean is the bonus episode. Friday show, never changing. Ain't shit changing in that. Nothing, nothing, nothing. You guys expect the same fun stuff. But we have decided, and here's the announcement, that the bonus content is now just going to be ad free because we realized, like, we wanted to cultivate a community and keeping things separate. like, listen, you don't want to ads, perfect. We got you. But the content felt, it just didn't feel right to keep it separate. So, da-da-da-da, starting next month, your bonus episodes. You guys know how every month we give an extra bonus episode, there are four Fridays, and then you have your Tuesday. That's now going to be something called In the Trenches. Yes, I trademarked it. Come at me.

You live and learn, right, babes? But we're going to do an AMA every single month with me and a guest. So it could be tech guy or it could be somebody else, somebody amazing, someone we've had on the show, some we haven't. And we're going to be answering your questions. We're going to be answering your questions. We're going to get a phone line going so you guys can call in and leave a voice note. Remember, spill the tea at Sabrinazohar.com. Please, please, guys, send in all of your stories, submit everything, send us screenshots. Let me know what happened and the advice that you guys want because we're going to have some fun. And we're going to answer, and I'll be sure to have specific questions for people that are going to be here depending on the topics. But I'm just amped,

guys, because I want to be able to connect more with you. And hoping to do two of those a month for now, we're going to start with one. So I'm grateful. Guys, if you want to add free, there you go. You could subscribe for four bucks a month, call it a day. But if not, that's totally cool. You're going to start to get some bonus content in a different way. So your bonus is no longer just another episode because I wanted to add some levity and some lightness and have some fun, right? It's not all about the healing, but we also need to interject a little bit of, you know, wonder, if you will. So, and the reason I wanted to share that is because, like, everybody else, you're going to pivot, right? You might think that things are going one way. And like, it's so interesting. Before we get into the episode,

I just wanted to be a little vulnerable and share with you guys. Like, You know, I've been struggling every day with like, no, but things were supposed to be like this. And it wasn't until recent that I was, I was telling people that I was doing a show and no one knew who the guest name was. It wasn't until I said the book that they had that they were like, oh, I know who that person is. And that's when it hit me where I was like, man, I knew this day was going to come, but here we are. I'm saying it on fucking air. I have never been more grateful that I lost the name of my podcast and hit this rock bottom. And I realized the other day, why? because for a while I was playing this victim mode of like, what a meanie, what a bully, he's ruining my life, he's coming after me, look at all that I've built. And it's like, yeah, okay, that was valid. I was feeling all of that. But then the other day, my mom and I were talking to, and I said, no, I believe that. Oh, no, I was talking to. I can't remember. And I said, no, I believe that this is going to grow back and we're going to be fine. This is just a blip on the screen. And whoever was that I was talking to said, well, I'm curious, what shifted that, right? Like, what made you realize that, which we've all seen. And I said, because I had to talk with myself. And the other day,

I realized and I said, you know, I believe in myself. I know I can do this. And I stopped and I said, okay, Sab, where does that come from? What do you believe in? And I said, I don't believe in it because I think I think that someone's going to come and save me and I'm going to get this big opportunity that's going to put me on the map. I trust that who I am is going to make this happen. I trust that the woman that I am, the voice that I have is honestly and authentically going to resonate with people and we're going to rebuild this back because I have trust in me. I trust that I'm going to be okay. and I know that no matter what, I have my fucking back. And I am learning to quiet down the insecure noises and allow the adult version of me to have a louder voice.

And that's part of the process, babe. And that is part of all of this work that we're doing. And I share that, not because it needs to be about me, but because I want to share that even in the dating stages, right? You think life is going to happen and then you get knocked on your ass. And we see this all the time. It's like, well, maybe I should just go back to my ex or I don't want to do this anymore. And it's like, yeah, I could have done that. Oh, just close my company and go get it.

a job. And it's like, but what would that, how would that have helped me and my growth? How would that be helping the world? How is that helping my mental health? Instead, I had to realize and acknowledge you're allowed to be sad. You're allowed to be bummed. You're allowed to do all of these things. Even in therapy right before I'm recording, my therapist said something and she goes, you're doing a great job. You know, are you okay? And I said, absolutely, because I know that these tears need to be shed. And I know that I need to see these things and need to have these conversations. It's okay. I'm not scared. And I think that's where I want us to get to. especially when we're talking about these early stages of dating, the unknown, the uncertainty,

what's going to happen? I don't have a crystal ball. Sorry, mine's on the shop. But none of us know the trajectory. None of us know 100%, but do you have faith, do you have hope, to believe in yourself that no matter what you'll be okay? Again, I can't guarantee that it will, but I also can't guarantee that I won't. And so I choose which side of the glass I want to see, half empty or half full. And that took me a long time because I was so used to seeing it half empty until I realized that was just my little me trying to protect me because she didn't want to feel even more disappointed. I remember my mom always used to saying, you go to the penthouse, you risk, you take those risks, you go up and she said, I stay on the ground floor because the fall isn't as great. And I looked at her and I said, but mom, you know what? Also isn't as great, the view.

And I said, you miss out on all these things. You don't get to experience. It's okay that you fall. That's okay. But I'd rather have experienced these things and it fall than look up. and go, oh, man, I wonder if I ever could do that and never really know my full potential. Guys, let's talk about this. So I think when we're talking about dating, you know, as we talked about in the last solo,

we really went over the unknowns and really making sure that you are protecting your energy. But now let's talk about, okay, so you've been dating this first person for about a month, right, give or take. And guys, as you know, too, I'm not saying this is like, it has to be four weeks on the dot, but it's like, I'm just a frame of reference here. because then the reason I try to do this is I don't like to say, well, after a third date, like I saw one person, crew and creator say, if after three months somebody doesn't ask you to be their girlfriend, then you need to walk away. And it's like, that's really rigid. Because I took

four and a half months for me to realize that I wanted to be with Ryan. So should he have walked away for me because it took me an extra month to get there? No, what I hear from that is black and white thinking and anxiety. I can't sit in any more discomfort. So I refuse to. And it's like, listen, the nuance comes in here of what's the progress that we're making. Right? If I'm dating someone for three months and I only see them once a month, well, then no shit after three months, they're probably not going to want more than that with me. But there also is no intentionality here versus if I've been spending twice a week every week with somebody after three or four months, okay, cool. I should have an understanding of where I want to go. But it doesn't need to be as rigid.

And that's why I want to give a little bit of flexibility when we're talking about timeframes here. And so, you know, we have to remember in the first month of dating, there's going to be a lot of shifts because you're having deeper emotional connection and investment with people. After that first month is really when we start to see those triggers come out. And again, I want to reemphasize. I'm so tired of this conversation of like, they're avoidant. And it's like, an avoidant person doesn't just mean that this person never wants to talk about things. Somebody who is truly avoidantly attached, one means that they need to be attached, right? You have to have that attachment aspect to it. But second of all, this person has to be triggered. You don't just wake up and decide,

I just don't want to talk to anybody today. It's like, no, but there's a trigger there. And so we have to also acknowledge that, like, it might take time for the triggers because that first month, right? Zero to one months, you might be kind of doing the like, let's see what go out, what happens. Let's see where this goes. I don't know what's going to change, like progress here. But, but there's always a but. That means that we need to implement a little bit of some safeguards, right? This isn't about a wall going up. This is about having bumpers up to protect ourselves. But knowing that new anxiety is going to come up and also this. And I think we, I'd like to clarify something here and I'd like to be very direct about this. We have got to

drop that just because you meet somebody in the first month who says that they want a relationship does not mean that they want one with you. And this is where I say our expectations are the problem. Because I hear this, oh, we dated for a month and they lied to me. They said they wanted a relationship, and then they blindsided me and now they don't see one with me. And it's like, just because I say, I want a relationship doesn't mean I want one with you. And just because I'm intentional with the way that a date doesn't necessarily mean that you're going to align with me and vice versa. And so we also have to know, yes, dating is anxiety inducing. There is no way to go around that. There's a lot of unknowns, uncertainties.

You're navigating another personality type. You're trying to figure yourself out. You're trying to understand this other person. So no, that it might not work out and that's okay, right? Like, every time I audition for something, I look at this as I'm grateful for the experience and thank you for thinking of me, but I don't expect that I got this because I'd rather be pleasantly surprised of like, fuck yeah, than incredibly disappointed putting all my eggs in this basket and then realizing it's not going to hatch, right?

So there was a research in a study done in 2014 showing how relationship uncertainty peaks in the early months and how managing the emotions for this is crucial. And I share that about me and Ryan. Like had I acted in the ways that I always did with him in the early stages of our dating and courtship, we wouldn't be together. And it's not that it's not, this isn't about like, ooh, walk on eggshells and be different. It's like, no, learn to regulate your nervous system, understand to come back in your body, know what the true trigger is and what not, which brings us kind of into the first aspect here. But it's really about becoming super clear with yourself, not about I have to know if this person's going to choose me and this is going to work out.

because if you're waiting for certainty, I don't understand how you're living then because there are so many other aspects of life that are uncertain. We have the fallacy of protection in a job, but that doesn't mean that if you show up tomorrow and you don't do your job that you're going to keep it, right? Like anything else, life happens. And I've lost my job so many more times than I can count in New York and been on my ass. But that doesn't mean that this isn't for you or you have to go back and do this. It's like that just means that maybe this wasn't the door to walk through. So let's talk about the triggers because I think the triggers. because I think the triggers and the kind of middle phase of this dating were really, really important.

So, research done in 2000 by Bekera et al. You know what? I'm not going to necessarily say all the studies because I sound like a moron sometimes when I don't know how to pronounce them, but I'm just going to say a study. If you guys want the studies and the information, feel free, reach out to me and I'm happy to send them to you.

Don't worry about it. Shows how the brain's decision-making pathways, particularly in the prefrontal cortex, are disrupted by uncertainty. So in dating, the uncertainty about what are we, can create cognitive dissonance where the brain struggles to reconcile conflicting feelings, so excitement versus fear. And this is why that's the neuroscience aspect.

But this is why I will continue to say regulating your nervous system is the number one fucking thing to work on. This is why Masha and I specifically created the course that we created to give you specific tools. Okay, this is the pain point. Here's what we want you to do. Where are you on the ladder? What's happening with your nervous system?

Right. We have Dr. Porte's coming on in January. His episode will be airing. and he's the one who created the polyvagal theory about the nervous system. So I'm going to be getting even deeper. But understanding what's a trigger? What's coming up in my body? Where do I feel this?

What are the sensations? You know, even just now I was doing EMDR with my therapist. And I talked about something in 10 and she goes, okay, can we trace that back earlier? Where is the first time you remember this? Right? Like this isn't about, oh, I'm blaming other people. No, this isn't about blaming your parents. It's about understanding how long have I been living with these sensations and these triggers for.

Because what I notice is there's a lot of self-awareness. It's lacking. We don't really understand what's happening. with us, but yet we want to try to understand what's happening with other people, right? And so there was a psychology concept study by Hofstead suggests that people with low tolerance for ambiguity, experience anxiety when they don't know where relationship is going. So anxious and anxious daters in particular feel heightened discomfort during that phase. That's why that one month, I hear it all the time. It's like, I was fine, single and then dating feels awful. It's like,

because you're triggered. That's all. You're human, but you're being triggered right now. Your nervous system is like, wait, wait, what's happening? But what's going on? I need. need answers because it only knows that growing up you didn't feel safe and you didn't have answers and we didn't know what was going to happen. But you're not dating your mom and dad, right? And this is that whole managing reaction to emotions. It's not that you can't have these emotions. You're allowed to feel whatever you want to feel. But it's about, do I need to let this person know that I just met about these or can I deal with this privately and like handle my own shit? Because something that I think would be really helpful is a trigger journal. Start to track like, okay, was it that they didn't

answer my text. Was their body language off? Was it because they said no and looked away? Was it because they followed a girl on Instagram? Like, whatever. That way, you can spot your triggers. You can start to look and be like, oh, fuck. Wow, four times. My partner said this and it bothered me all four times. Okay, I want to get curious about this. I don't look to me. I see this as a superpower. And I look at my triggers as this is just more of an opportunity for me to explore and get curious. This isn't a place for me to attack myself, berate myself, put myself down. There's something wrong with you, you're not good enough. We don't have space for those core beliefs anymore.

We have space to honor the little version of you that believes them, but not the thoughts necessarily. And expanding your window of tolerance is incredibly fucking important. That just means that it's not constant peaks in valleys. Like, I have one client and I fucking love this client. This was from like a year and a half ago. It was when we first started working together. Super secure in all other aspects of life.

Met a girl after like two weeks was fucking cuckoo-cuchoo. And like this person really villainized him. and really manipulated and like he couldn't get over it and was just I mean we worked together for like five months after over like a two or three week thing and really what it ended up being was he's just he's amazing he's in a very serious relationship and I couldn't be fucking prouder of this person but what we identified at that time right the only reason I bring that up is we started to acknowledge like oh he didn't have a window of tolerance for his triggers he was so used to doing everything okay and everything going his way the minute this didn't work right but but what's what's the problem I do what I'm supposed to do why don't I get reward and men left to fix, right? They're just by nature, more fixers. And so he just kept trying to understand, like, what's the problem? What's the problem? Why did she go for another guy? Why didn't she want to date me? Why did she end it with me preemptively before this got? And what we started to realize was like, it had nothing to do with this girl. He didn't know her. What's two weeks, right? What it really had to do with the fact that like he was, he had tried everything and it

wasn't right. And he still couldn't understand why it didn't work. And that was his own core beliefs. That's what he was raised to believe was like when you act right, you get accolades. When you don't, you get punishment. And it was just this constant loop and his window of tolerance was so small because one little thing you would see a photo of her like a song would come on. And he was having a panic attack. And it's like, that's okay. But all that shows us is, okay, I have to learn to sit in discomfort. I have to do things that make me uncomfortable. I don't tell you guys to go do ice baths because I'm sadistic. I do that because it challenges you to sit in something really uncomfortable and say, but I can do it. I go to the gym. My trainer will tell me a minute doing a plank. I'll do a minute and a half. Not because I'm a teacher's pet because I will say the minute was too easy. me. I want to see what it feels like to be pressured and stressed because then I know I can do it. So start to have a trigger journal, right? And then a calm down toolkit. I think a calm down toolkit is amazing. So what does that look like, right? What is your toolkit? Breathing techniques? Like I've got that free guide in the link in my bio that says like how to self-soothe your anxiety

and overcome anxious attachment. Download it. There's like five pages of different techniques. What Masha and I talk about in the course of like having a toolkit that you can do. So like even me, my toolkit, go for a walk. call my mama. Do certain things that are my go-to. And then if those don't work, okay, then let me try breathing. Let me try maybe once I've regulated, I can come back and meditate. Maybe I'll do a little bit of movement. I just have a lot of energy I need to get through. Understand your body and yourself so that because when you're dating somebody, it's not appropriate to constantly berate and badger them. Like, why didn't you answer? Why aren't you answering me? What's going on? Where are you?

It's like, you think dating is hard. Just wait until the relationship when you're triggered consistently, it's so important to be able to then stop. Like even this morning, I'll give you guys a great example in the moment. Ryan and I were training this morning and I, we were talking to like this one documentary I saw on psychopathy. And it, and I kept saying, I was like talking to the trainer and he kept asking me, he's like, was there something like with the brain? And I, and like, I guess Ryan wasn't paying attention. And I looked at him and I said, but what's the thing with the brain? And he tried to dismiss you. He was like, I don't know what you're talking? I don't, I don't know, like, making me like as if I was crazy to the point where my trainer laughed and he was like,

ah, Ryan doesn't even know what you're talking about? And I kind of looked at him and I was like, what are you doing here? And like, I pulled him aside after and I said, what the fuck was that? And I said, why would you discredit me like that? And he was like, well, I didn't do what you were talking about. I said, then just say that. Like, hey, what are you referring to? And then I can answer. I said, but instead, you embarrassed me. You completely put me down. And I said, that was incredibly triggering because that reminds me of how my family was where they would tell me, come to me when I have a problem, but then they put me down and dismiss me. And I said, or you're trying to act cool in front of somebody else. I said, but then you're discrediting your partner at the same time. And that's really hurtful.

And he stopped and he was like, man, I totally see your point. And I said, listen, I'm just trying to bring this to your attention because it's incredibly triggering for me moving forward. All you have to do is just ask me to clarify what I was saying and I'm happy to repeat it to you. If you weren't paying attention, I thought you were in the conversation because he was looking at me. So I thought he was listening. And that to me is something, that's my trigger, right? My mom disassociated. My dad wouldn't pay attention to me. And that was really triggering. I'm not going to say, fuck you, you're doing what everyone else did to me. No, but what I am going to say is this triggered within me that reaction. And I didn't appreciate that. It made me feel like shit. I didn't like it. And then we talked about it and we moved on with our day.

It's important to, and I took a minute. I stopped. I really processed it and I was like, no, that's fucked up. That's rude and disrespectful. Like, yes, it was triggering to me. It was also rooted disrespectful, right? Like two conflicting thoughts. So understanding yourself and your nervous system.

So polyvagal theory. You guys know a bit about this. We're going to have Dr. Porgesan and I'm so excited. But polyvagal theory explains how the vagus nerve regulates the body stress response. And so little stressors like the uncertainty about the relationship status, blah, blah can trigger dysregulation. you guys know what Masha and I've been saying for fucking months, if not years now at this point. It's a cue to your nervous system, right? The trigger, okay, this person I'm dating. I've been good. I've been good. I'm be good. Oh my God. This is the first time they haven't called me and they didn't call me and they didn't. Right. Like somebody had written an instance. She was like, well, you know, we left him Sunday and I haven't spoken to him since. And I was like, it's Monday morning. So I was like, Sunday was like, it's Monday morning. So I was like, so Sunday was like, not last Sunday. Yesterday. So it's just about understanding like, wow.

okay, is this trigger? Like, when I had that thing with Ryan this morning, that wasn't a trigger that I was in danger and all that. That was a, hey, that's really disrespectful. That reminded me of a place that I don't want to go back to and I don't appreciate that. It wasn't his fault. It's not his responsibility that it triggered me.

But what it is is his ownership of, hey, I apologize if I made you feel dismissed. So that was really rude of me. And I, you know, but I didn't make my triggers his problem. I didn't say, well, like, you know, that's what my dad does. Well, I was honest in saying I felt that as a kid because I was very dismissed in my home. And that's not a feeling I want to feel in my home now. Okay, that's a conversation, right? And so understanding your nervous system is really, really important when we're talking about

the zero to the one to three months because it's a lot of uncertainty. And if everything is going to be a cue to your nervous system that you're in danger, if everything feels like I've had this where clients will tell me like, but this person didn't want to get dinner. And it's like, so that was a cue to your nervous system that you're in danger that you're going to lose this person, then we have to remove ourselves and say, does the pinch match the ouch? So we've talked about this, the difference between a trigger and anxiety.

your anxiety will come with a narrative. Your anxiety is going to come with this whole hella-balloo of creating this entire story and narrative to reaffirm your core beliefs, right? There's something wrong with me. I'm not good enough. I'm not worthy. I knew they were going to leave me.

I knew there was something wrong with me. Versus your intuition. When he said that, I was like, that was rude. Right? That was just it. It triggered something deeper. And I was like, no, no, no. But it doesn't have to mean that.

Right? And I was cognizant to that. But nonetheless, I was rude. You didn't need to discredit me like that in front of somebody and have somebody then laugh, saying that I don't know what I'm talking about when you just didn't hear me. And that's okay, right? I'm not angry at my partner, but I was hurt. And so I'm understanding, okay, well, that doesn't mean that I need to be wildly dysregulated.

But I think a lot of the times, like, especially when you guys will say, like, what do I do? I don't know how to handle this? That comes from dysregulation. And I'd like you to start asking yourself, how old do I feel? Do I feel like a kid? Yeah, I kind of feel like a kid again. Every time, like, when I don't get this phone call or when this person doesn't make a plan with me, it triggers me to feel like I'm going to be abandoned. Okay. What are we going to do with that? Right? And it's the same shit as when you're in the zero before you're dating to when you are dating to learn and to know you're now a partner. You're trying to grow a partnership, right? So you're a team. You're not against each other. If you're against each other, then what the fuck are we doing? But if you're going to grow a partnership together, then that means communication, honesty, vulnerability, transparency, and working through your nervous system. Learning that just because your partner says no to you or says, I'm sorry, I can't go out tonight, or I made other plans or I'm going out with the boys or the girls, right, or the days. That doesn't mean that you have to all of a sudden be like, well, that's it. They're leaving me. It's like, no, no, no, we have to look at the narrative. Is there pattern recognition to this emotional dysregulation? Do I notice every time I date somebody for two months, I get in the same loop, right? We have to start to look at that. And like something that you guys

can even do, something that I love is sensory grounding. And so you do five, four, three, two, three things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, one thing you can taste. So that'll help. the anxious a dater stay in the present moment. So I'll do that. I'll be super anxious. Let's say like when Ryan and I were dating and I was like, fuck, like, am I going to see him this week? I don't know. And I'd feel that anxiety. And I was like, okay, I'm dysregulated. I'm not saying things clearly. I'm not in my prefrontal cortex in this decision making in common sense stage. I'm in that amygdala and that limbic brain. I'm anxious right now because I'm scared that this person's not going to

want me is going to leave me scarcity mindset. What's going to happen? So for me, I know, okay, I'm going to go outside and do the sensory walk. And so I'll stop and be like five things I can see. Okay, I can see my neighbor's house, I see my car, right? It brings you back to the present moment. Oh, I can feel the sun on my skin or the cool breeze. Ooh, it's dewy outside. It brings you back. It turns your prefrontal cortex on.

I'm here now, right? Even if you feel like, listen, baby, I know that there's an inner child in there that's screaming, but you want to know how to make your voice louder than theirs, start to acknowledge that they exist. Hey, I totally get, as you're on your walk, talk to yourself like you would a friend or a little kid. I totally get that you're anxious right now, but I got to be honest. how many facts to back this up. And I know that I will handle this accurately and I will take care of things. And I know that I might not trust myself 100%, but I'm working on that. And I'm really, really trying to be present. And I need you to know little you, little me, this isn't helping.

I know you're scared, but we haven't lost anything yet from this person. And so we have to at the very least try to show up authentically. And I need you to know that I'm here to have your back. Right. That's how we speak to ourselves. I promise you, I make you this promise right now. You learn how to speak to yourself with more respect and kindness. You will see your fucking life change. You start to validate yourself of, yeah, that was really hurtful. I didn't appreciate that. Or, hey, didn't really appreciate the way you said that to me. And that other person freaks out on you. Whoa, hey, that sounds like defensiveness. I'm really not sure where that's coming from. I'd be loving to know. I'd be curious to understand what your experience is. But your life will change when you start to understand

what's coming up for you, how to identify things in your body and how to stand up for yourself. It's a literal game changer because then your nervous system knows, oh, this person's here to protect me. oh, this person has my back and you know who that person is? Fucking me. The one person who has been running away from myself my entire fucking life trying to self-abandon and say, no, no, your needs don't matter. Just make sure they choose you because all my life, that's all I was taught. Your needs don't matter.

Just make sure dad stays. Because if he stays, you win. And if he doesn't, he's right. There's something wrong with you. But we're not dating mom or dad anymore. And we have to be very cognizant and aware of that. That brings us to boundaries, right? So as Bray Brown says, research on vulnerability and boundaries discuss anxious people struggle

with setting boundaries due to the fear of being too much or being rejected. And so self-soothing before responding is really important. So wait 15 minutes before you reach out to a text. Just give yourself a minute. Because you're now, you have to remember, especially if we're starting to get into this like, okay, I really like this person. That's when I would have to say, hey, we've got to be in control of our own emotions. Whoa, okay, I really like this person.

What do I like so much about them? What's happening, right? What are the boundaries I can put? Well, I've seen this person. somebody messers like, I've seen this person four times this week. Is that too much? It's like, yeah, put some boundaries. You don't know who these people are. Then when it ends up happening, the addiction loop, your brain is on this loop of like, oh my God, we need them. We have to have them. Why don't we have them? Where are they? Because we're uncomfortable within our own body. And instead of focusing on us,

we can focus on other people. Instead of asking why, as Britt Frank always says, why is a way of your brain trying to intellectualize to avoid the fact that you're in pain. Reframe why to, I don't like. Why did this person choose another girl? I don't like that they chose someone else besides me. Okay, what don't I like about it? It feels like there's something wrong with me. Ah, this is a core belief. It has nothing to do with the other person. It's going to change the way you guys date. It really is.

Why is my partner doing this? I don't like that my partner. This guy's doing this. Okay, what don't I like about it? Okay. Well, is that something I can change? Do I have control over this? No, right?

Okay. How can I be there for myself? How can you talk yourself off that ledge? We want to also put space from feeling to fucked. And, you know, we have to remember too. Let's talk about the overthinking and the texting. Your brain naturally gives more weight to negative experiences. Hello, cognitive biases.

So waiting for a text. back rather than positive one. So it leads to overthinking and over texting. And oftentimes what happens is let's talk about everything. You're dating somebody. It's been two, three, four weeks. Right. Now we're in that first month. And you're starting to get the feels. And all of a sudden, but they always text me and that then text me. Then we start getting into the negative. Right. I can focus on what I'm not getting versus no, I just saw them last night and they're probably super tired. I'll talk to them later. Because then I have to really have to go down. What do we so scared of? Right. I'm so scared this person's not going to do. What's so scary about someone not calling me back besides for what I

create that narrative to be around. You know, I didn't think about that with my career. What's so scary me not getting this gig? Oh, well, what if you don't get the accolade? Well, you'll get it in another way. You'll find your own path, right? It doesn't have to be this way. But if my nervous system only knows you're only safe if you have this.

That's how I thought was Shark Tank. I thought I was only safe if I had Shark Tank. Otherwise, I was fucked. No, the universe had another plan, didn't it? So that comes back into that self-trust, you know, cultivating self-trust. Like, often anxious daters will try to get that external validation. And so that's where again coming back with like, I am enough. I do trust myself. I am worthy and deserving of love. There is nothing wrong with me. And knowing that like, yes, I'm going

to be triggered. I can't just bop out, right? You're now a little bit deeper into this relationship with this person. So then start to work on your shit instead of just always being somebody else, somebody else, somebody else. You know, because that's what a lot of avoidance will do. We have Mark Vanson coming on soon and we talk about that. That avoidance will find a problem to push themselves to be like, see, it's not right. Because having met. the right one. It's the famous saying. So I wanted to, let's get to speed dating. Let's get to some lightning around questions that I think are more pertinent to the specifics of the situation. So one is the right time to have the exclusivity talk. These are all questions that you guys asked.

So to me, the two to three month mark is typically a really good time to start to have these conversations because let's be honest. So you've been dating for a month or two right now. What do you know about this person that you know them well enough to say? I don't want to date anyone else. I want to close myself off from any opportunity and I only want to take this. I always equate it to a job. If you were going out there, I'm just throwing a salary, 100K, right? You have to make 100K a year, otherwise you can't live. You were saying, like, I need that 100K.

A job comes to you and says, here's 20. That's all I can offer. I don't have more than that. And you're like, okay, but my needs aren't going to be satisfied. I'm not going to have the things I need. I'm always going to be wanting more. I'm to be resentful. I'm going to be overworking, right?

So why would you take something that very clearly can satisfy you? But it's going to take you a minute to figure that out. So if somebody's asking you to be their girlfriend after one or two weeks, like, I'm sorry, love bombing. or anxiety, no, you don't know these people. We don't need to be in committed relationships with people before you actually have time to spend time. No, are you both emotionally invested? Are you aligned in what you want from the relationship?

Are they consistent? I hear this all the time. They were consistent for the first couple of weeks. Okay, well, then that's not consistent. Because when they stopped doing what made them consistent, here we are. So what are the key differences between being exclusive and dating? So to me, exclusivity is just you only want to see each other romantically. and you're just like, hey, whereas if you're dating, you're seeing other people, right?

Like when I just hear like the talking stage, it's like, no, no, no. If you're just dating, like, yeah, we're just dating. We're just like kind of seeing where it goes. So then you're incorporating other people. Exclusivity is the, hey, we're not going to be fucking anyone else. We're not dating anybody else. You are the only person. That's it.

Then we go into a relationship. The relationship world is what are we doing? That's we land. To me, listen, some people say exclusivity and relationship is the same. I want a differentiation. You do it every feel right. If somebody says, hey, I only want to date you. Okay. If you feel like that's, okay, are we, am I your girlfriend?

Clarify with them before you're like, oh, that makes me their girlfriend. Oh, I will share a story with you guys one day on this delusion, but I'll never forget this one girl thinking that because a guy slept with her without a condom, that was her boyfriend. And you're like, oh, boy, you don't worry. When I tell you the story later, you'll remember this. But don't make assumptions. Gain clarity. If someone says like, hey, I want to delete the apps and I only want to date you, it'd be like, cool. Does that mean that you're my boyfriend or are we just exclusively dating just to give each other time? because remember when you're dating, you're dating multiple people, potentially. Not everybody, but some people are. And so if we decide for exclusivity, that means I'm cutting everyone else.

That means I want to just focus on you, which could still mean there's a conversation of a relationship conversation because you could date just that person and realize, I'm not satisfied. This isn't working for me. Or, yeah, this is great and this is what I want. Again, it's the unknown. And here's the one thing a lot of you guys forget. You also get a choice.

We think everybody is waiting. I want to be chosen. What do they think? What do they want? without stopping to go, wait a minute, but what's coming up for me? What's happening in my body? Does this work for me? Do I like this? Do they make me feel good? Do I feel safe with this person? More often than not, it's usually I know. So how do I navigate the hot, cold switchup? To me, you don't. So that is usually a sign of emotional unavailability or ambivalence, right? And so if we're in that

one to three months, like it's so important to communicate and have consistency. And so I would just ask for clarity, right? Have a conversation of like, hey, your hot and cold is really, really tough for me. I need a lot more. I need more consistency than this. Because then that way, if this pattern is not going to be improved, like, if this person's not like, holy fuck, thank you for letting me know I had no idea, then to me that's a red flag. Or like there's, there's some instability in this relationship. But if you're feeling like, oh, one day they're on, one day they're off, it's like, sure, that could be an attachment style, could be a multitude of things. I don't need to diagnose them. But you know what I do know? That doesn't work for me.

And this goes back to the like, why do they do this? You know what? It doesn't matter all the whys. You know what does matter how you're feeling, how this makes you feel? Because to somebody else, it might be nothing. And to you, it might be DefCon 1. You're allowed to have that and you're allowed to decipher, does this work for me or not? And for me, welcome to consistency.

The person I want to go to bed to is the person I want to wake up to. I have dated way too many of those inconsistent, hot and cold people. And I still remember the one from 2021, the hot guy in Utah, still fucking single to the point to leave Utah because he had such a bad. reputation. That's what I mean by people don't change. I wanted to be that girl. I wanted to step in and be like, I'm going to make them consistent. I'm going to make him choose me. It's like, I ended up fucking getting hurt and going home with my fucking tail between my legs. So don't try to take this on. Right? And this is nothing to do with like, oh, but it's just organized. It's like, sure,

my heart goes out. Go to therapy. Work on your shit so you can stop being hot and cold. Just like I worked on my anxiety. You're working on yours. We're all working on something. So try to have conversations. If you see progress, great. If you don't, there you go. So how do you know you've covered the foundations? What are the must-habs? So to me, discussing values, future goals, and emotional needs. So we should know by the two to three-month mark, do you want children or not? What are your political affiliations?

How do you feel about this? Do you want to live here or are you cool with this? When do you want to have kids? How old do you want to be? This isn't about future faking of like, okay, we're going to have kids when we're 27 and we're going to do this at 30. It's about feeling comfortable to discuss them. having vulnerability, emotional intimacy, sharing things, allowing each other.

Do you compromise, right? Or is this person super rigid? I have to have a baby in six months. And the other person saying five years and you're like, well, where are we bridging the gap? These are all really important things to talk about before you make that determination. I can't tell you how many people will get married or have caught. And then find out, oh, this person doesn't want kids. And you're like, you just found that out?

What are you guys talking about? So make sure you go over things like that. Love is not enough, unfortunately. We need a lot more than love. need shared goals, values, morals, ethos, and ethics. Otherwise, you'll start to notice. Like, do you guys watch Love is Blind? Ramses and Marissa?

They're the prime example of like, y'all were delusional. This guy was just such a, he was so fucked up in so many different aspects, manipula, telling her how she has to fucking do her body and putting her down for her past career, just so many fucked up things. And that's what somebody who's just, oh, but I love them. It's like, no, you guys do not share commonalities. You don't have the same alignment of goals, morals, ethos, and ethics. Let's just call it what it is.

So would you start expressing your needs before exclusivity feels early if still dating others? Baby, you can express your needs at any time depending on like what that is. Right. So for instance, like I'm looking for a relationship or there's open communication and consistency. That sets the tone, right? You could set that off the bat. Right. I think there's a difference between am I expecting something from someone in a relationship, right?

Like, why aren't they texting me every day? Well, that's relationship shit, right? Those are not needs that you have. What my need is is I need communication and consistency. I need to see that the effort equals in your interest. I want to see that we're making progress. That is an actual need. But I need you to text me every day.

No, what you're telling me is you want to feel safe in this relationship. You want the security. But that's earned. That's not a need. A need is safety, of course. But I'm saying not in a relationship where you've known someone for two or three weeks. So we have to look at like, you're allowed to express. Here's the things I'm going to need in a relationship.

I'll never forget when I told this guy that I need to talk to somebody every single day when I were dating. And he was like, that doesn't work for me. and I'm grateful we have the conversation. We didn't date for very long. He tried, didn't work out. That doesn't mean that there was a problem with him or me. That just meant that, like, we just weren't aligned. And you know what?

In all due fairness, I didn't need communication every day. I was just anxious and I was worried he was going to forget about me. Because it was. He would text me once a day and I still wasn't enough. And I knew at that point, I was like, that's where I started to realize, like, it's never just one text. It's not really about that. So how much should you share about past relationships?

share about what is relevant to helping you build trust with this person. You don't have to talk about every detail. You don't have to go over all the specifics. And you don't have to start talking about all the people you slept with and all that. But like, what did you learn? How did that last relationship impact you? What did you learn and what did it teach you about yourself? Right?

What are your experiences? I want to know what you've been through. I want to understand you. But I, what we're doing is we're building for connection, not comparison. I'm not trying to compare you to this person or make you feel insecure or bad about yourself. What I am trying to do is show you that here's what I'm trying to do is show you that here's where I've been, but here's where I'm at now, right? And it's really, really important that we are cognizant of how much we share. Be aware, how much do you want to hear and how much do you want to

share? Right? You don't have to talk about like this one time when I, like, hooked up with this guy in the bathroom at this bar and you're like, you're good? You're done with this story? Like, I remember the guy in Utah, him telling me like, yeah, a bunch of dudes, you know, shows you how unhealthy I was. A bunch of dudes in Utah hate me because I can take a girl to the bathroom within 10 minutes of meeting her. And I remember just sitting there and being like, am I supposed to be turned on by that? Right? And like, this was towards the end. Like, he told me this when I was there. And I was like, oh, oh, that's gross. And I was like, that's not helping me feel more connected to you. I don't really know what you're trying to share with me on that. So I think it's really important, like in that

zero, in that one to three months, start to look at, are we compatible? Do we have alignment? Am I regulating myself? Am I able to handle the triggers? Do we compromise? Do we have communication? Do we have conversations. Do I feel safe like I can express myself? Are this person consistent in making me feel as well that they're invested and vice versa? Am I showing up how I want to show up? It's really important to start just kind of getting curious about this, my babies. And so I hope that this was helpful. We're going to do three to six months next. And I think we're going to start to get deeper. Then we're going to evolve the conversation. But I wanted to separate zero to one and one to three because there is a difference, right? Zero to one, we have no history. Now you're starting

to get to know this person a little bit more. We're having a little rapport. We need to stop with the ghosting and all this bullshit and really just getting curious, how do I feel in my own body? Does this work for me is what I want us to start focusing on and not is this person choosing me? Guys, thank you again for another amazing week. As always, guys, I love you to the moon and back. Please don't regret it right and review the show if you've listened already this far. Don't forget the courses are available if you need them. And as always, guys, I'm just grateful for you.

Thank you for showing up and thank you for sitting with me. Until next time.