The Sabrina Zohar Show - 109: Healing Single Vs. In A Relationship With Samm Murphy

Episode Date: November 22, 2024

Whether single or in a relationship, healing is a deeply personal journey. Today, Sabrina and guest Samm Murphy emphasize the importance of curiosity, self-awareness, and connection throughout the process.  Sabrina highlights how being single can create space for self-discovery, allowing individuals to break habitual patterns and focus on their inner child work. Samm shares that while healing in a relationship adds complexity, it also offers unique opportunities for growth through triggers and mutual support. They agree that healing isn’t about reaching a final destination but embracing a continuous process where triggers become opportunities to evolve.  Sabrina and Samm discuss how relationships can provide evidence to counter negative core beliefs, fostering change when both partners are committed to growth. They underscore the importance of communication and aligning on values, emphasizing that understanding a partner’s unique needs while staying true to oneself is vital. For those single and healing, Sabrina advises recognizing patterns and shifting beliefs, while Samm encourages curiosity about what triggers anxiety and exploring new behaviors.  Together, they stress that relationships require intentional effort, appreciation, and a shared vision, creating an environment where both individuals can continue to heal and thrive. Whether single or partnered, Sabrina and Samm advocate for compassion, openness, and the courage to embrace imperfection as integral to the healing journey. Get Masha and Sabrina's new course, the Nervous System 101: Navigating the Unknown in Early Dating HERE! Struggling with a breakup? Join the Make It Make Sense: Getting Through a Breakup course from Sabrina and Britt Frank HERE! Stuck After the Podcast? Master Implementation in 8 Weeks with Sabrina's Foundation Course HERE! Get Ad free episodes HERE! Want to work with Sabrina? HERE! Don't forget to follow Sabrina and The Sabrina Zohar Show on Instagram and Sabrina on TikTok! Video now available on YOUTUBE! Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formally known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A.Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar Show. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. Hi, guys. Welcome back to another week. I cannot believe we are ending the year soon, which is so wild to me. But I'm excited today. Today we have a very special guest. Not only is she a personal friend, but she's just an amazing human being.

And it's Sam Murphy. And we are going to talk about healing single versus in a relationship. A question that you guys ask so often. that I felt like it was time for us to have the conversation and there was no one better than to have it with than Sam. So I'm super excited, guys. As always, thank you, thank you for everything. Please don't forget, rate and review the show, subscribe on YouTube, leave a comment, be kind with the comments that we leave, and just let us know how you think about the show. And please don't forget five stars, share it with a friend. That's all we ask. As always, guys, if you need anything,

everything will be in the link in the show notes. We have the new course out with Masha on regulating your nervous system in the first zero to three months of dating, which is truly just for anybody at this point, or the foundation course, whatever you guys need. It will always be in the show notes. And guys, I'm just so excited. So without further ado, let's get right on into it, shall we? Hey, girl. Hey, what's happening? Oh, I'm so excited to have you in studio. I know. I'm so excited to be here. I feel like it's so fun. Rub the chairs. We've got all these fun things. Welcome to ADHD and land in person. We're like, oh, shiny. I love it. I'm like, what else? Look at this show. Oh, I love this. I was like, what's it called a cup mat? No, it's a coaster.

It's a cup mat. I mean, it could be a cup mat. I really love that. Oh, God, this conversation is going to be fun. Sam, for anyone who doesn't know who you are, could you please share a little bit about yourself, introduce yourself and just tell us like, how the fuck did you get here? Oh, yeah. I would love to. And thanks so much for having me. I'm so excited to be here today. So I got into this work via needing my own healing, right, as many of us do, wanting to get into this space. And, you know, I work in this space too for a long time. I was like, what do I do? What do I call me? I was like, I can't decide what I want for the name to be, but really more what is it that I do. So I kind of settled on transformation and relationships, but really it's helping people get more of what they want out of life, from the boardroom to the bedroom and everything in between. Is it joy, happiness, fulfillment? You know, and looking at what are the barriers that are blocking us to having what we want? And how do we remove those? And because I'm type A and I like to do things this way, how do we do it in the fastest way possible?

So through my own imposter syndrome, overcertified in many methods and modality, And then got the beauty of that, though, was then I could cherry pick from these different modalities, what was really powerful, what was really effective and put it together in a blend. So from hypnosis to parts integration, IFS, a bunch of different modalities, really looking at the internal stuff of what are the barriers that are blocking us from what we want. And then also, I never intended to work with couples and co-founders and in this relational dynamic. But one of the things that I realized when we started getting into the work is oftentimes the question. of our life is really dependent on the quality of our relationships. And if we're looking for happiness or fulfillment or some of these things, when we really started to unpack, it was, oh, my relationship's really struggling or I can't figure out how to do it. And one of the things I get really fired up about, too,

is when we can heal that relationship, when something can shift there, right away, we can make big, drastic impacts in our life and our happiness, because oftentimes people will think that it's separate. It's siloed. Here's my work. Here's my love life. Here's my health, health, health, my fitness. But really, they're all pillars that hold up this platform on which we exist. So when one is wobbly, you know, it's leaking energy. They're all interconnected. And the other thing, too, that really fires me up is relationships are so vital yet no one teaches us. No, they don't. How to have them. Right. And if anything, I feel like we're sort of sold a sack of shit that says Hollywood and society of, oh, we're going to meet and it's going to be easy and it's going to be

great. Where's the movie of like you meet? And it's a lot of work. And it's, you know, we've got a move in process through this and then we climb out of the trenches on the other side and you think it's good and then we're in it again. We just don't see that, you know? And so one of the things to me too is I think for a lot of people it's scary or how do we do it. It's confusing. And part of what I'm very passionate about is how do we demystify that? It's actually not hard. There is a roadmap, but no one taught us. No, they didn't. And I will say, what was I taught? Love has to be earned. This is really tough. Like even just those core beliefs of like, oh, I don't deserve rest. right? No, no, no, you have to work. And it's like, no, I also do deserve rest, right? And I think that's, well, one, for anyone who doesn't know, like, I'll get vulnerable for a second. Sam has been coaching me and been working with me personally on like, and I wanted to touch on this inner child journey very quickly before we kind of go in because I do think it plays such an important part in the rest of what we're going to talk about. But what I love is that you and I are very similar in the way that we work. Like I love to really go back, understand the story, the narratives and things like that. So when we started to work together and continue to do,

for me, I think it's really, really fun to explore these opportunities to go deep. But I was curious to even just hear kind of your thoughts on this because I think when it comes to this inner child work, right? Like I think so much of what we're going to be talking about is this basis around. Like you're not going to be able to have a relationship with other people or really yourself if you don't come home to yourself. If you don't really understand. For sure. Right. Like all of the layers and the variables. But I think, you know, for me, like inner child work was something that I fell upon. Like it wasn't something. something that I went to go find. And I just started to notice like, oh, wow, this version's coming out. And I learned about parts work. Like, the world started to collide. And now, for me, especially, like, being in a relationship, the reason I wanted to share this is like, the work doesn't stop, right? The work. If anything amplifies, it's, well, it's a new, it's a new layer and it's a new level. Even, you know, I think people accept a lot of things in other areas of life that in relationship, they sort of have this double standard. You know, like, in business, we'd say, oh, what got us here, won't get us here. And it's very accepted. But in relationship, we don't maybe really think about it

that way. And it's like, oh, what got us here may or may not be the thing that gets us here. You know, there's this continued evolution. 100%. And like, I think for a lot of folks, the inner child aspect of it is confusing or they're like, I don't understand how to tap into this. So I'd love to hear how do you normally like work with people when they're struggling to tap into the, I don't know where this route is coming from. I don't know what's going on. Where did I learn this from? Because when you and I first started working, I didn't know what to expect. Yes. And it wasn't until you were like, okay, close your eyes and let's explore.

And I was like, what? It was an hour and fucking half later that I opened my eyes. And I was like, I just, where'd we go? Oh my God, that was a trance. I was like, we just saw like 40 versions of me. But I am curious, like, how do you like to work? Or what can we help the audience with if they're struggling to tap into that? Like, what is a good place to start, even just on the healing journey?

Yeah. So I think a good place to start is noticing, okay, what is the symptom? What's happening? Are we anxious? or what is the thing that is coming up? And really just starting with even making a note. Okay, I'm noticing in this situation, in this place I am experiencing, right? So we can start to just have that awareness and identify, okay, what is it we want to look at?

What is it we want to work with? Sometimes just to sit and say, okay, I'm anxious when this happens. What does that remind me of? Is there anything earlier in life, whether it's recent history or far back history, is there anything this reminds me of? And sometimes we will find something. Sometimes we won't. So I think the beauty is sometimes we can find this place of, ooh, okay, I notice this feels very similar. I feel anxious that they won't be here for me. Ooh, that reminds me of the same way I felt with my parents. Okay, now I've got this. I can identify where it came from. Awareness is beautiful.

Awareness is only the first step. So one of the things that I want to encourage people to do, and we can do some self-guided and at some point in time, maybe I can even record something and share if that's beneficial to the audience, is how do we find those parts for ourselves? The other thing that can be really helpful is sometimes awareness itself is not enough. So we can know the root, we can see the connection, we can't shift it. We can't unhook it. So when we do the work where we're closing our eyes and we're sort of, our goal is to remove the barrier between the conscious and the unconscious mind.

What we're getting curious about and what we're working with when we get in there is what is the operating system that we're not always conscious about. So one of the things I want to encourage people, too, if they feel frustrated or stuck and they don't know where it came from, that finding the right processing modality, whether it be EMDR, IFS, parts work, hypnotherapy, different blends, we can identify through sessions and support with people, or some even self-guided,

where we can uncover what that thing is, even though we weren't consciously aware of it. Yeah. So that's one of the first places. So I think it would be for people, okay, noticing the symptom because it's just informing us. Okay, I'm anxious. Where is it coming from?

And then, too, if we're feeling, stuck looking at, okay, maybe there's a self-guided hypnosis I could check out. There's probably tons of stuff on YouTube that we could even like point towards, you know, to explore or working with a practitioner because the thing to restore hope, because I feel like some of us often get so down and so stuck in that losing possibility or hope that something could be different. And it's, oh, hey, you just need some support. I mean, one of the things I think is so important is so much of our wounding occurs in isolation. So heal and community, heal with support. Because a lot of does myself include it. I can do it myself. Give me that tape. You know, I'm dating myself,

whatever, all the things, that audio file. And let me listen to it. Let me do it. Which has merit and benefit. And if we can find that person and it works to work with someone, so much that can be healing too is our nervous system, our system are unconscious knowing, oh, somebody's here with me. I'm not alone. Yeah. And then in this, what we're always wanting to do for so many is establish safety. It's safe to do this. I've got you. We have support. Someone's here to guide. And even that can often open up so much more for us. Oh, 100%. I mean, I probably have shared this story, but I'm going to share it again. I'll never forget when my ex and I broke up. And like, I think a lot of people could probably resonate with this, like, being with, like, a true narcissist,

okay? Not this nonsense bullshit that we see on the internet of like, that guy was selfish. It is not it is overused. Not fucking narcissist. And he was, I mean, this guy, it's like, anyone you meet is like, says it. And I was. And I was. so isolated from him. I was alone. I didn't have my friends. I didn't have you. That was the goal, right, was to divide and conquer, was to make me his puppet and his flying monkey. So I was just beholden to him and everybody else was alienated from me. So I was 25 pounds lighter than I am now, like literally looked like people were asking if I was okay. That's how bad it was. For me, yeah, therapy was, it was there, but I was so fucking broke. I didn't have any money. And I was like,

I don't even know how I'm going to afford this. Like, that was what was going through my head of like, how am I can even just afford to live without him living in this house, let alone how can I get help for myself? And the one decision I made was I went to a narcissist anonymous group. And I only went once. And it's all I took because I'll never forget being there and sharing my story because I was new. So of course, they were like, Sabrina, can you share? And I'll never forget one of the older women just looking at me. And I just, because I remember just ending it going, but this is like normal, right?

Like this was how my dad was. And she just looked to me and she goes, honey, that wasn't. okay. Yeah. And even just her saying that, I was like, oh, the validation, right? The acknowledgement. You can like feel it in your system. Like, I felt for the first time I was like, oh, you see me. Like, you get it. Like, holy shit. So I'm not crazy. Oh, my God. I didn't make this up. And then another girl chimed into her story. And she was like, Sprint, and I was like, and I'm now married to another amazing man. And I asked her, I said, why are you here? And she was like, because I was you. And she was like, this is how I feel like I can heal is by giving back and coming to these meetings.

And the reason I share that is because I understand if financially you're not able to work with somebody, but there are support groups. If you Google just in your, I didn't know about this in New York. I had no idea that on 7th Avenue on the fucking 15th floor of a building. Right. And so there is support and community available. And so I just wanted to clarify, but like the importance of even just someone saying like, hey, what you experienced growing up wasn't normal. Totally. I feel like and not being alone in it.

Right. So I love that you're bringing that up. across all different price points wherever we are at, that there is something. Yeah. Because it's not always spending more money doesn't necessarily mean you get better results, right? So like sometimes it really is. I've had so many situations where somebody I went on one date with just so happened to call me at the right time. Never see these people again.

But that was what I needed to go, okay, I'm okay. And so I really wanted to kind of enter in because I think the conversation comes all the time, right? We hear this, which comes first, the chicken or the egg, right? Do I need to be fully healed before I get into a relationship? or can I heal in a relationship. And for me, I think off the bat, we're going to go ahead and debunk one really important aspect that I think we need to talk about. There is no such thing as being fully healed, right?

No, we're on a journey, right? And again, talking about myths that I feel like do not serve us is that we are one day there. We have arrived. This is the thing. And it's, no, life is ever moving, ever evolving. And to reframe that, that doesn't have to be scary or a downer or terrible or we haven't made it or it's oh no neat we're always growing we get to keep evolving i'll tell you this

if this is my peak no thank you right like if this is it if i was like that's it i've reached my highest go okay i'm no more healing unsubscribe i'm not interested in that for me i think it's fun when i get triggered i look at this as an opportunity for growth i look at this as how can i level up as a person i don't look at it as oh my god it's happening to me it's like no no no this really is happening for me but for me i really wanted to just before we even fucking dive in just kind of clarify, like, there is no such thing as being fully healed. And if you think that, no, no, I'd rather be single. What I hear from that is, like, I don't want to be triggered. And that kind of led me to the first question. Someone said, why am I only healed while I'm single and then

codependent and anxious in a relationship? And I think to me it was the perfect place to start because, one, I hear so many issues with this question healed, like you're not. There's no such thing as being healed. But secondly, I'm excited that we get to talk about the aspect that, like, there was this fucking real I saw the other day and it was a secure man is going to heal your anxious attachment style. And I was like, fucking bullshit. You know what someone's secure? So much of the stuff out there. So much nonsense.

You know what someone secure is going to do? Someone secure is going to create a safe space for you to explore the shit that's coming up for you because you're going to get triggered and your partner is going to piss you off and it's going to be really fucking tough a lot of the times. But there is no such thing as being fully healed because then you're not a human. But I wanted to hear your thoughts. When you hear, why am I only healed while I'm single and then codependent and anxious a relationship. Talk to me. Yes. I mean, I think the biggest thing is, like, you touched on this

brilliantly, is we're not triggered, right? When we're single, we've worked the stuff that maybe is coming up on a regular basis or that's being triggered by friends or other people, other connections. And it is in those intimate partnerships when we get the most invested, when we're getting to this place that we start to be triggered again. We start to notice stuff, you know? And so I think the one thing about relationships is something that's important. is do we need to be all the way healed? No, because we've just talked about how that's a fallacy. And one thing that can be very valuable and helpful, not a necessary requirement, but are both parties interested to evolve? People can use different words, grow, shift, change, whatever it may be.

But are we two awake people that are interested to learn and explore with each other? You know, because I think there could be so much stigma around this or that, but the truth is, okay, we're here, and am I available for what we need to navigate through? Because relationships can be such a vehicle for transformation and like rocket ship for healing because we get to have new evidence to our conflicting like unconscious stories or those core wounds or core beliefs, right? Everybody leaves me. Oh, but here's a person that's staying. Now we're going to push at them, right? We're probably going to do things that really test that. And again, we get hijacked in these parts and these places that take us over and we become somebody different. So it's really about are we with someone that is interested in available to learn and grow

with us? And do we have enough awareness to start to notice when it's coming up for us? Right. Like what are we doing? And what does that look like? Because yes, I think one of the things, too, is when we're dating, it's like us and our partners have been living life, just planting minefields all around us. And we don't realize when we step on one and blow shit up, you know? And so that whole thing of like, wait, what just happened? But being okay with, ah, okay, they might be having something happen, you know? And so I think the biggest thing in relationship is how do we start to have awareness, to have pause before reactivity to notice, oh, they're having a thing and not also have that trigger us. And now we're just on this ride, right? We're on this loop together.

It's, oh, how do we slow down enough to go, ooh, oh, we're in a pattern, this pattern that's playing out. Oh, how interesting. You know, and then how can we start to slow. slow that down and deconstruct it to learn more about each other. And again, when it's healthy, we're doing that in a way that then gets to say, oh, that makes sense to me. I see what's happening for you. And I'm not your dad or I'm not your past partner. And those parts of us that are freaking out that are you sure? We get to have new evidence because the brain is always stacking and filing away evidence that says either men are unsafe, exhibit A, B, C, D. And then we come with that, even though we consciously don't want to, because I think one thing that's important for

people to know. Oftentimes we think, oh, we are these conscious beings. We're running around, making choice. Science says 90 to 99% of what we do is habitually patterned in the unconscious. So anytime we have a conscious desire and an unconscious or subconscious belief that contradicts, almost always the unconscious belief is going to win. For example, I want to be in a relationship. But if there's somewhere in there that I'm not worthy and deserving, men aren't safe. Relationships don't work out. We're going to see ourselves in this. pattern the self-filling prophecy sort of of that repeating. Oh, I have always been saying, if you find yourself with a pattern of, I keep dating narcissist, I keep dating avoidance, I keep dating

emotionally unavailable people. Common denominator. And I think that's the biggest component here is like, if you're seeing yourself in a pattern, we need to get, we need to put the shame and blame on a corner and on a shelf because it's not helping anybody and it's only keeping you on a loop. But what we can see here is, wait a minute, okay, if I'm the common denominator, right, if I continuously date, Well, Anne, what a beautiful thing to realize it's us because we have power. That's the whole thing. If it's them, we have no control, no ability to create change and shift, right? So like you were saying, how is there a reframe of like, oh, wow, curiosity, I am noticing there's something here.

Which can't be accessible until you regulate, right? And so without a regulated state, without a nervous system that's like, hey, it's safe for me to explore this. I'm not on survival mode. I'm not constantly waiting to be saved. once we can do that. And that's, I think, it has nothing to do with, like, somebody had asked, how long do you allow yourself to heal? It's not a timeline. There isn't a, at six months, that's it you're ready.

It's like, no, no, no. But what the questions I would have is, what tools do you have? What are your regulation techniques? Do you, are you aware of your triggers? Have you processed and moved on from past relationships, or are you still harpering or harping and holding on to that? Are you still blaming yourself? Do you still think you're 100% responsible for the issues that happened? Or have we understood that it takes two people?

These are all important, but here's the reality. You could think, I hear this every fucking day. I went out with this person. They told me they wanted a relationship. They said that they're over their ex. And then all of a sudden, we're dating for two months. And now they say they're not ready. And they lied.

And it's like, no, no, no. We can hold space for the fact that at one part in that person's life. They thought that they were ready. They thought they were ready. They thought they were ready. Right. New things evolve. One thing that I see a lot and I experience with my husband now is when we went on a second date,

because again, it's getting clear of what do you want. right as I know you take a lot of people through like what do we want where are we at and really taking an honest inventory of that as we're moving forward and I said on our second date would you get married again because he had been married before and would you have more kids because I was very clear on this is what I want to do and he's like totally and I think that was very true for him I love how I'm like love you babe as I share about our life okay welcome to this podcast yeah well it's okay he'd be like of course you did honey yeah I'm not I'm not surprised at all he's like hi my name Sam I'm going to tell you something uncomfortable about myself so you can

tell me something about you. I'm like, honey, are you saying I'm good at connection? I'm not sure you meant that in a positive way, but I like that for us. Look at that reframe. Yeah, exactly. So he said yes, and he said yes without any hesitation. Because I think that was very true. Now, as we got, as we continued to date and things got closer and more time passed and this became more of a reality, stuff started to come up that I think he honestly didn't realize was there. And that just happens for people. So where can we be in that both were true? Right. Exactly. Holding two conflicting thoughts because if I like I would hear people be like well then he needs to heal his shit and it's like what I hear from that is that's black and white thinking you don't have compassion

for other people how do you feel about yourself because I can tell you I'm not 100% healed I get triggered at things that are shocking to me that trigger me moments that I really thought I worked through it and then something happened you're like no I didn't that's humbling and it's not about how long do I need to heal for it's about because it's not time that heals all wounds it's what you do with that time the time six years could go by on your still fucking harping because often more off than not, when you're single, right? We're really talking about the single days. We haven't gotten into the relationship land yet. But when you're in those single days and something happens, right, you think, no, I'm fine, I'm fine. There's no one triggering me.

I'm okay. I've dealt with everything. You really do genuinely believe in your gut. Like, I'm so ready for this. I'm ready for a partner. I'm ready to share my life. But like I said, if we're consistently seeing a pattern and something that, then maybe we need to go back to the drawing boards and say, you know what, maybe I'm not as ready as I thought. If I consistently date emotionally and available people. There's a part of me that's emotionally unavailable. I'm not tapping into what's bothering me. What are my needs? And that's not fair to my partners, nor is that fair to the dating experience. Totally. And I think asking ourselves, too, like, okay, yeah, what comes up for me that has me keep choosing this? You know, like, am I emotionally unavailable? Do I think this is what

I deserve? Like, this curiosity. And again, when they can own that, it's, oh, we can feel empowered now. It's like we can go in with our eyes wide open of, hey, what do I want to do here? One of the things, too, that I think is important is oftentimes it's so easy that when we are hurting, we forget that there's a whole other person having a whole other experience over there. One of the ways I like to think about parts is they hijack us. It doesn't come in slow. It's like a freight train that all the sudden we were regulated. People maybe have to experience this where you're like with someone, your partner. And all of a sudden you're like, where did they go? Yeah. Like they're, you know, what happened. And so it comes in right away and they can take over. So when we are in that,

we can lose that space and compassion. Oh, they are having holy experience. Because when we are hurting, it is often true with an emotionally available person, right? Of course, there's extreme circumstances where somebody doesn't even want to be with us or doesn't care. And we are hurting in our pattern and they're just doing their own thing, right? Just blissfully unaware or not even committed to us if we're creating a narrative of a story. And though, if we're in something where both people have said, they likely are hurting too. It's like Masha always says, she's like, your lived experience isn't everybody else's.

And what ends up happening, especially I see this often in the dating stages of like, he's so avoidant and all of these things harping on the other person without really having any compassion to say, I'm super anxious. What's their experience, right? I'm not excusing anyone's behavior. I don't think either side needs to be right or wrong. But what I do as like holding space, like when I see Ryan shut down, I will stop myself and say Sabrina, it's not only about you.

You are in a relationship now. Even when we dated, I was like, hey, he doesn't owe you anything. Like, you don't know this person. You have to remind yourself, like, I can only take care of my side of the street. I can only take care of myself. And it's interesting because someone said, why did he leave me after I started my healing journey? I was trying. And that loops me into this of like, my heart melted when I read this because I was like, oh, baby.

Oh, you don't see it. You don't see what we see, which is the reason that this person left you after you started doing your healing work is because homeboy or home girl, this person couldn't step up into doing the things they needed to do to match you. the discomfort. And, you know, my invitation there would be like, oh, look at this default of accepting blame and blaming the self. You know, so really in that piece of like, we're sending out so much love. But where else are you blaming yourself for things that just aren't true, that aren't your fault? And one of the things I love that Alison Armstrong says, and I know I've heard you say this too, it's like, if we can be us and they're not into it, thank you, bye. I'd rather you not like me for me. Thank you for saving me time. Because what happens is we bend it.

we pretzel and I be who you need me to be for you to like me so I can get my needs met so I can be okay so you can be with me so I can be connected but I'm pretending to be somebody I'm not and then what can happen is okay well this avoidant over there thinks I'm pretty chill and I don't need communication or you know and then all the sudden we're in something and now we can't hold it anymore because it doesn't feel good and rightfully so they're like whoa like I thought I signed up for something different and they did because we were showing up pretend to be okay with something that we're not. So if we can honestly authentically be us and they're not into it, amazing because there's so many more fish in the sea and they're doing us a favor

getting out of the way so the next one can come on in. Which I understand for people with scarcity mindset because someone said how do I deal with it? And I understand that. Like scarcity mindset is a very real thing, but we also have to remember cognitive biases. Like, and I will be the first friend to tell you. I was the poster child of like glass half empty. I never saw anything positive. I didn't see that there was a light at the end of the tunnel. I used to be the person that would repeat over and over. I'm going to be alone forever. No one likes me, right? Because I was so deep in my own thoughts. That's how I believe. That's how I thought of myself. And when I really shifted that and just let go of the like, I don't need to be in a pity party in my head. I don't need to believe that there's

nothing good for me because that thought can also be the other side of there's amazing things for me. There's an abundance of things. I get to choose my heart. I get to choose my thoughts. And now the road to that is not just a like, stop saying it. It's about acknowledging the parts of me that believe there is no one for me. It's about acknowledging the little girl that's like, I only get one set of parents. They're not what I want. This is my father who's a fucking asshole. My mom doesn't even know which day it is today.

I don't have a choice. I have to be with these people. So I have to be a good girl and I have to let him choose me. But now in my adult world, hold the phone. I don't need you to choose me. I need to choose myself. because if I look at myself, right now, if you, I'm going to ask myself, oh, Sabrina, what parts of yourself don't you love?

It's like, oh, no, no, there's plenty. Me too. Everybody out there just know we don't have it all together. Not by a long time. No. We have a team of people we work with that are always constantly learning and exploring. The reality is, though, I know the parts of me that I find difficult to love. I know that there's a little girl in there that's highly anxious because she's scared,

and I know that that can manifest with my partner, and that scared me for a long time. with like no one's going to accept this part of me until I realize like well do I because when I unapologetically do and I say I curse I do this this is who I am then I allow because people will meet me and Ryan and say I don't understand how did you get this and it's like by showing up like this yeah by being me and that's something I think that we have to look at is it's not if somebody asks is it easier to heal when you're single versus in a relationship it's not easier either way it's two different experiences because healing when you're single is understanding yourself your wants, your needs, your desires, what makes me tick? What are my triggers? What do I like? What don't I

like? What is my, what is my future goal? Things like that, right? Different parts of the journey, that clarity to hone in on what do we want, what do we want to call in and who do we need to be or become, you know, with our working process to track that and to draw that in. When I started my journey, like, what really started it was telling my dad to fuck off early January 2022. I was like, I'm done. And I remember even sitting there like shaking and just being like, wait a minute, but I just told the big bad wolf, like this is, you're the literal person. that started all of this. And I said no, I walked away. And then it was the next guy I dated where I was like, I'm going to change the way I date. And I told him, I was like, get the fuck out of my

house. I'm not doing this. It was bit by bit, little steps every day of, I could text this person. I'm going to try something different today. I'm not going to do that. That to me was how it started to compound. It wasn't like my last relationship was a shit show. And now all of a sudden. Right. We flipped a total 180. Right. I think that, yes, setting appropriate expectations of can their big giant 180 shifts? Yes, I want to hold that for people too, right? We kind of have amazing, crazy fast shifts. And it can be small incremental change, choosing ourselves, setting boundaries. One of the things I wanted to add to what you were saying, which I think is so great, is, you know, scarcity mindset versus, hey, there is another equal choice, right, a flip side of the

coin that it's possible. And one of the things I just want to remind people is we have, the brain will spotlight and focus on what we give it instructions to. So we're always deleting, you know, organizing information because not everything can come in. So, The brain finds what we instruct it to find, the reticular activating system, right? So if we say men suck, there's not a lot out there, that's what registers as evidence. If we say the right partner's coming to me and we work to shift that belief, I know for some people come like, I don't even mean it. There's gradual steps and ways together.

But the brain will start to look and register. Let's say we have a belief that men are jerks or men don't care. We could be in a room full of 50 men. 49 of them be quite nice and polite. They held our door open. They asked us if we wanted some water. One bumps into us and doesn't say sorry. And we're like, that's the part that registers.

Maybe people have ever noticed this if you ever go to buy a new car. And then all of a sudden you're like, were they on sale? Everyone's driving them. No, it's because it's now in our awareness. And the brain is going, okay, find it. So if we can start to shift to that possibility of there are partners out there and available. And one of the exercises you can do is where in your life has that been true?

Past partners that maybe we weren't in a state to receive. or who do we know that's in a relationship that's healthy and good? And just writing a list. Because again, we have a default and a bias in the brain that says this is true. And here's all the evidence. Here's my folder. And we want to start to help to shift that. So we can see it in a new way.

I love that because the cognitive tree. You write out now. If anybody says I want to find a red car, go outside. You'll find all the blue cars, the red cars. Your cognitive bias will go. There it is. Yes. And that's why I'm like, okay, when it comes to the single land, what I really, oh, God,

please take this guys. Start to really think about what changed it for me was how do I want to feel feel when I'm with this person, right? Like I want to feel safe, secure. I want to feel understood. I want to be hurt that way because we're so caught up in the world of all here, here are all the red flags. Here are all the things to avoid. Don't do this. Don't do this. Don't do this. But what we want to look at is, wait, but what am I actually looking for? What is working for me? Yes, I can identify when I go out on dates. No, thank you, right? Like, I don't need you to choose me.

I'm not doing this. This behavior doesn't work for me. But on that flip side with the healing journey, now we go into the other side of a, oh, wait, now I want to receive, right? Now I want to identify. Because if I wasn't clear on how I wanted to feel with someone, I wouldn't have been with Ryan. Because I would have just overlooked it and gone, nope, I don't like this. He's too safe. My nervous system.

This is boring. This is boring. We hear that all the time. And I'm curious when you hear that. What are your thoughts when someone says, Healthy equals boring? Again, I love some of Alison Armstrong's work. And one of the things that she says is she's like human spirit and human animal.

And she's like, if you have too much of the butterflies, run, run. Because it is that primal part of us, again, almost like a part hijacking and taking over. It's the why do I want you? What part of me wants it so bad, needs it so bad? And what am I going to override in my own system? What am I going to default? And so I think the healthy is boring. I want to invite people to look at why.

Where did we learn that? What part of us? Sure, we can crave variety. And how could we create that with someone that's safe? Because, yes, the intensity and the ups and downs and the chaos of something that is not healthy and unsafe can feel addicting and chaotic. But really getting true, too, of, yes, if you're comparing this really, really high, high that also came with super low lows to somebody that's stable. But what if we get to be stable and we get to create safety? I would say, I understand what it's like to feel like it's boring.

I used to be in that place. Same. And I just want to invite people to say, what if there was something I didn't understand yet? Or what if there was something else here to feel? And when we really lean in and really establish that safety, because I also think the boring comes when we're not fully in and open and vulnerable yet to get the total good of the healthy. We're at like the early stages, the fringe, like, he's nice, he's polite. But what I want to tell people, too, is there's a whole other day. juicy pot of when this safety is established and we're together in this container, what can come.

So I guess one of the things I would say, too, is be open and curious to what else could be there for you. I for so long thought, no, no, no, but it has to be a challenge. And it's like, yeah, because that's what I was taught as a kid. It's not. No, you have to have the ups and downs because when we get addicted to that, because it's what we grew up thinking, this is love. Love feels like this.

This feels good. And it's like, at being curious, I think another thing that you're saying, where did this come from? Where did I learn that this imprint is how it's supposed to be or what I deserve or what I want? And yeah, here's another thing. You're going to have to go through a dopamine withdrawal or, you know, you're going to have to go through a detox of I don't just need this anticipation. Like that's why when I met Ryan and I was like, no, I am not going to get caught up on the texting. I am going to, that was me taking control because there's a little in me being like, he doesn't like you. No, he doesn't actually. No, you need to, you need to text him because he's not. And I had to be the adult. We're reaching. Text. Reach. Give me the assurance. Give me the validation. Yes.

Oh my gosh. That just reminds me of you like all of my 20s. Same. Like I had a good day because they responded. I had a shitty day because they didn't like all the external validation and seeking. I literally asked my client their day. I was like, how's your day to day? And they were like not great.

And I was like because you didn't get a text. And she just looked at me and I was like, oh, I know like I don't know you. Yeah. So that I understand. And it's like when we see that, right? Even just that. Off the bat. I don't want you to look at this.

It's like, oh, well, I'm fucked up. That's it because I'm still focusing on the text. It's like, no, maybe we can look at that and invite some curiosity of, oh, okay, so this is a good point. I have some more exploring to do because this causes me intense anxiety. What's causing me the anxiety? Right? Like, we can start to understand that because how you're going to heal now as we talk about moving into a relationship starts, hate to break it to you in dating land.

You don't get to go to relationship land before you've set that. Well, okay, I take that back. You can absolutely rush into a relationship land. And then let me know how that works for you. I have gotten more calls than I've. can count at this point of you're right and I don't I'm not looking for that right right exactly I don't give a fuck I'd rather be wrong but it's more of that I'm like this ain't my first rodeo you don't need to move in after six months y'all like we don't need to be doing that but nonetheless when it comes to

the healing single versus in a relationship while what we need to look at is can I continue my healing while I'm also dating because we either have single or partnered but what we don't realize is that middle ground so I was curious your thoughts on like where do you're do we see the evolution of growth between the single going into relationship land? Like, how do they differ if they differ? So I think the first thing is very similar. Notice what's coming up for us, right? The curiosity, cross the board, right? Can we be curious? Because so often we're hard on ourselves, there's judgment. And it's, what is there for me to see here? Or what am I not seeing? What am I looking at? As we go on dates, what came up? Somebody didn't text. There's the beauty about dating, so many data

points that we get to pull in and say, oh, wow, this used to bother me. I'm noticing that it doesn't now. It's, I mean, it's so many opportunities. It's like throwing ourselves in the deep end sort of to swim and saying, okay, this is what I'm noticing. I'm needing a text back. Hmm, getting curious, where's that coming from? What is it bringing up for me? What could I do for that? And like you said, so much is, what can we give to ourselves? Right. I mean, my pattern was always seeking external validation because I didn't feel good enough. I had a hole and I was looking out there for people to and it's just a band-aid, right? Until nothing was ever going to fill it. I always thought, you know, I had that syndrome which somebody else, oh, I'll be happy when. Oh, when I spend this. When this,

when I married, win the thing, when this. Oh, it's just L.A. I too lived in L.A. It was like, okay, well, I'm just over. It's Peter Panland here. You know, yet many people get married in L.A. You know? Hmm. It's it was New York. I mean, I have so many friends that are married from New York, L. like San Diego like we got to stop blaming the city right there's just snow in here this this is no one here maybe it's my picker um you know and it's so interesting too as I look back how many things could have been different I just didn't communicate I shut down and I walked away it was the I don't even want to ask what this is because it's too scary and maybe you're going to reject me so I'll just reject you first and I'll be over here I loved that game I played that game in my own version of a way of like I get

my friends used to call me sabotage like they'd be like that was because they would always say like oh, is he going to end it or you going to make sure you end it first so that you don't get hurt? Because that was my perception of control. But then when we look at like, okay, you're doing all this healing, right? Boop, boop. And then suddenly there's a trigger machine. And like, that's a reality. The people you date are going to be great mirrors for you.

And like one thing I just wanted to clarify, not everyone you date has to move into relationship land with you. It's okay to date people and it doesn't work. It's not a waste of your time. If you date someone for two or three months and then one or both of you decide this isn't something you want to pursue, that is the fucking point of dating. And what a victory to celebrate when we can communicate that. Because I imagine for many, as I know it was for me, that is a big evolution to be able to just bravely share what I need and what I want. I was always like, what do you need and want? You know, I don't know. I'm fine. You tell me. Oh my gosh, I had gotten in numerous relationships with people that I never wanted to be in because they liked me.

And I'm like, what was what? Like I look back now and I'm like, what was happening, you know? And so I think in the dating places, yes. There's so much of getting clear on it and then being in this place of, okay, what is coming up? And as it's coming up, can we share? And if it feels scary to share, why there's more information here. Oh, it doesn't feel safe. Oh, they might leave us. Okay. What else is possible?

Ooh, maybe they're not our person. Or what else is possible? What if I share and they do receive it? The level of vulnerability and intimacy and building that can be there. And so much we freak ourselves out of the unknown, you know, and so much comes back to remembering that like, we're safe. We have our back. we're good. It's all going to be okay. And that's where though I think the importance of that

is the foundation that comes in the single healing land of like no matter somebody that my mosh asked me the other day and she was like you seem so calm now about the business like you just seem so much more confident and relaxed what changed. And I was like oh nothing. I said you know what changed? I finally for the first time realized I don't know what's going to happen but you know what I do fucking feel in my gut that who I am as a person I trust that I will make it happen. I trust that who this version of myself is who I've grown into this and who I continue to grow into, oh, I fucking got this because I started to see proof of like, I did make the right choice. Oh, I'm glad I did this. Yes, I did that. Confidence doesn't come because you know it's going to work. Confident comes

when you're like, oh, I didn't die. They didn't die. I'm okay. But we add so much to it. And so like when we talk about, you know, when you're in the early stages of dating, continue your healing work. But now we're in a relationship, right? Like I know for me, when I got into I scooted into relationship land. I looked at it as personally, like, I'm the one with all the issues. I'm the one with all the problems. So I need to go do all this healing and work. And so, like, you know, and then when I came out of it, I was like, oh, I am so fucking good.

And I got this. She didn't get it. She didn't got this. Because what I ended up realizing was, like, I needed to learn my partner. I didn't really understand what made him tick. We were having, you know, little triggers, little moments. But throughout the time, what I did learn while I was healing personally was to speak up, was to say, hey, you know, that made me feel really shit.

Like when we first started to date, I didn't appreciate that you, like, told me to leave at 12, like, what is going on there? And then we had a conversation of, oh, okay, you have football moving forward. Do you mind if I stay until 3? And then I can go, right? We were able to talk. But my healing as a single woman got, as I started to get into a relationship, I started to implement that.

And then I started to assess, is my partner matching this? Does he have the bandwidth? And then when we realized, hey, you know, we got into the six, seven month mark of, I don't know that we're necessarily. communicate, go, do we want to see a therapist together? No, do we need that? When you have two people that are really invested in making the relationship work, you're both going to be invested in how you want to support each other. But there is a very, or at least for me, a big understanding that I can't heal my partner and my partner can't heal me. But what I can do is create a space when I see him

shut down to say, hey, would you like some space? And he says, yes. And I'm like, cool, how about we talk in an hour? That way he feels calm that I respect him. I get to have time to process, then I get to come back and honor myself to say, let's have this fucking conversation. And he can't hide away from the I'm a voiding thing. It's like, you're right, I processed. I'm here. Now I'm ready for the conversation. But I wanted to hear kind of your thoughts of like, maybe even just your own journey of like being going from single to then dating to now married to your husband. What do you see healing in a relationship look like? Yeah. I think it's a great question. So there was so much for me to get from there to hear. And there still is so much.

because like you said, we'll think that we did it or we got it and it was there. You know, so for me, there was a lot of individual work. And one of the beauty of being in a relationship is the gifts we do get to give each other because it's not anybody's responsibility to heal us. And as partners, when we are conscious and awake, we do get to offer stuff to each other. We do get to offer new evidence like we talked about, new beliefs, new proof that like I am here and this is what it looks like. And it's an ongoing journey.

So I think one of the things, you know, right away that makes things, easier for people is not this expectation that it should just work and it should be easy. I think there's such a double standard on that. You know, if I ask clients, I'll say, okay, how did you have success in your business? Oh, it took a lot of effort, took a lot of work. How did we get a healthy body? Same thing. How do we, how do you get a healthy relationship? Well, it should just work. Why? Who taught us that? What, you know? And it's like this reframe that, oh, it takes effort and it takes work. That doesn't mean it's broken. That doesn't mean, but again, those fallacies of like, it should just work. No, it's a living thing. It needs to be nurtured. It needs to be watered. I think one of the most important things

to know is a lot of times I'll see people say, oh, well, my last partner or they'll even judge themselves. I'm like in kindergarten because I haven't had as many relationships. And she's like a senior. And I said, doesn't matter. This is even playing field because even if she was the perfect partner for her last partner, you're not that person. And we need to know how to be for each other. So one of the things I love with clients that I'll do is I have a relationship cheat sheet, where basically we are different people, different species, whether we're masculine, feminine, or even same sex. It doesn't matter.

We're different people with different operating manuals. And so we make a lot of assumptions of they should know or they'll just know what I need. No. So this relationship sheet sheet says things like, what makes me feel most loved? Because what makes me feel most loved is usually not going to be the same thing that makes you feel most loved that makes them feel most loved. You know, sometimes people will talk about love languages. And love languages is great to know and identify because many people will give love in the way they want to receive. But if we almost thought about the relationship as a bank account, like are we in the positive?

Are we in the negative? When we're trying, some person, one time, often a partner can be efforting very hard, doing a lot of things and saying I'm. And then if you come to say to me, I just, you know, I'm not feeling loved. I'm not feeling important. One partner can be very first, like, I don't understand. I'm putting in so much effort. I'm so frustrated. And it's like, oh, we just need to get clear on, that's so nice that you do that? That doesn't really register that high for me. But if you could tell me that I look pretty or that you're never going to leave me, it registers really high. So one of the things

I think that's really helpful is just understanding that for each other. Understanding too that, you know, another question's on it is when I'm dysregulated, the thing that could be most helpful in healing. Often we know or our partner knows for themselves, like, oh, if you could just give me a hug, or if you could just give me space, right? What are these things? And so something that's so beautifuls, we start to look at that for ourselves. And oftentimes we haven't identified,

we haven't thought about these things. Like, oh, what does make me feel loved? So not only do we get clarity, our partner gets clarity, and then we switch to paper. What's funny is I, I've asked those questions, like, what are your love languages to give and receive, right? Because I knew I was like,

I don't want to overlook them. I want to make sure like, oh, you make me lunch. Oh, right, acts of service. That's your way of showing me. Oh, you're showing me, even though for me, I might be like, oh, not that I don't care if you make me lunch, but that's not my like number one, right? Like if you were putting effort, if you could maybe.

Right. Or buy me something. And it's like, well, that's some people. So other people, you give a gift and they're like this. All you did was buy me something. And it's like, but that's how I love you. And so I love that. It's so important to.

And I think what is the main thing is like get curious, right? Curiosity. Cross the board. Curiosity. And it was like, you know, I had one of my clients sitting. I'm like, I can love her. And it's like, she's in a relationship that it's like, it's so painfully obvious. Her needs aren't met.

All she was ever taught. was like, you know, you're being too sensitive. Stop it. You're too much. So like completely understand. But I guess how do you help people if like one partner is like, I'm trying to heal and trying to grow and trying to evolve. And then the other one, hmm. Yeah. So I think a couple things. It is possible for one person to create shift and change and it shift the whole dynamic. It is possible. We also don't though want to get into that place of it's my responsibility only and like I can fix this because then we can stay in something in an unhealthy way too long. Yet there is truth of owning our piece and what can we do? Because often if we shift or soften or if lack of safety or control

is something and we learn to communicate in a different way or, ooh, could I ask for my needs, they may respond to that because so often we get caught in defensiveness, you know, that we become adversaries versus allies and everybody's trying to like, no, I'm right. They're really just trying to not be bad. Right. Right. When somebody hears, oh, this hurt. No, I didn't. Or I did it because, because what they don't want to hear is, oh, I hurt you. I don't want to hurt the people that I love. If you can't, go to Keppel's therapy. Like if you need to work with somebody, it's like have someone that's a practitioner that can say, hey, whoa, she said this, not this. Like, hey, you're, but I think for me, what I also look at is, like, is this person actually putting an effort?

Are they trying to do this work or is it just you? Yes. So I think that's like an important piece to discern, right? Like, yes, can we do it shift and maybe it invites them in? But also, too, are there words and actions not aligned? because somebody can say something all day long, but if they're not willing to do it to take the step, whatever their version of shift and changes,

is it a therapist? Is it a podcast? Is it learning? One of the things I tell Brad, Brad's my husband is, I don't care how you get there. I just am having this thing, and I'm hoping that you can have a new awareness

because it gets to shift, because we're just not hearing each other here. And it was, hey, if it's with somebody, if it's, you listen, you hear it on a podcast, you read it, you phone a friend. I don't care how you get there, but I'm really craving to feel understood in this

and how do we find that? What does that look like for us? And to desire, right? And him like being like, okay, let me figure this out what works for me. Like Ryan came to his own decision to say, I need to talk to somebody. I need to go to therapy. But he had a desire. He was like, no matter what I want to make this relationship work, I want to understand you.

Like there was a, I created the space of, hey, we're getting to a point now of like me and you just talking about this isn't leading us to where we need to go. And so, like I said, yeah, to the point. You can talk to someone. You can do whatever you need to do. but we got to get to this place together. So you tell me how you'd like me to support you in this journey. Otherwise, there is, because somebody had asked saying, like, her partner always shuts down and

blah, blah, and she was saying, you know, how much of this do I have to accept and what's toxic versus what's doing the work? And it's like, are you saying changed behavior? Yeah, I think is there any movement. Because, again, movement is good, even if it's small, right? If there's movement and progress, maybe we would hope it would be a giant leap. But if it's small, that still gives us some information. I think the other thing that's important piece for people to look at in a place to start is do we want the same thing? Do we have a shared vision for the future? Because that's where I'll always start with couples is okay, where are we at? And usually it's, oh, this thing is happening? We're in distress about something. And okay, understand. Let's pause for a second. What's the future that we have or the shared vision isn't the same? Are there big deal breakers? Because if this is coming up now and we don't want the same thing, hey, as much as we love each other, are there some good here? We've got to be honest. This might not be working.

Because one of the things that we can clarify in this moment is is change of value for them, is growth of value? Or are they so happy being right where they are? And that doesn't make them bad. No. But where are they at, right? My therapist, I remember once when Ryan and I talked to her and she, like he kept saying, I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm trying. And she looked him and she finally said, Ryan, it's not that you're not trying, but you know what we do need to add into this conversation that just because you're trying doesn't necessarily mean it'll be enough. And that was a reality that. And we both had a conversation of like, no, it is, right?

At this point. But it is a reality to look and say, like, for instance, that of if this person says, well, I'm trying and I'm trying. And you're like, yeah, but I'm not seeing the progress. It's been seven months and you consistently keep doing this. Then eventually, that's when we have to look, take stock of ourselves of, then what am I still doing here? Right? Like, because someone asked, can someone who has healed date someone who is not? And I was like, I didn't love the question because it's like, that's judgmental, right?

I'm healed. You're not. But I think this is kind of to our point is like, how far in the journey are you the discrepancies? Totally. And I think, you know, again, maybe not worded perfectly, but really like, what if we are further along than someone else, right? It can absolutely work because people, too, can have done less work, but be less fucked up. I just don't need to. Start from a different place, right? And that's fucked up with love, everyone out there. I don't mean that in a bad way because that's talking about myself. you know, started from a place that needed growth. And some people can come from a place of naturally more secure attachment.

Or, you know, one of the things, too, I feel like so much with attachment language gets thrown out around there. Really, too, those are labels which can be handy to identify, but really ultimately just point out and highlight where our wounds are. Right. Right. And when we heal our wounds, we don't, we're not anxious forever. The one thing I feel like I always like to just say for people because people, oh, I'm anxious. Oh, I'm this. Oh, I'm disorganized.

And it's, okay, use it if it's useful, but don't hold on to it like, a label of who we are forever because we heal that. We release that and we get to become something else. This is not, this is not tattooed on us. This is not fixed, right? That is moving with where we're at and the shift in desire. And so I think so much is, do we have a partner who's interested in growth? And then yes, if they say yes, they say that they want to do it, then I think it's, okay, if we're not seeing that shift, are they capable? Totally. And they may want to be capable, but is there something that is blocking that? And are they willing to figure out what that is? and do something to move beyond it.

And again, it's not to judge that it's good, bad, right or wrong, but are they at a place where they have the capacity or the capability to do it? And if we see not, then it's just a choice of, oh, maybe this isn't a right match. And we don't have to put a narrative. We don't have to put a good, first bad. And it wasn't that we're not good enough or weren't worthy enough for them to shift. It's no, whatever's happening for them or in their system or in this lifetime that maybe is not meant for them. Or they're not ready or they don't want to sit in the discomfort.

And that's okay. It's not about us not being enough. It's about them and their story and their piece. I think that's one thing for me too. I always made everything about me. Right? Not good enough. Not pretty enough. Not whatever. And it's, oh, they're just living their own experience over there. Yeah. Forgot about that. Half the time I'm like, oh, I wasn't even a blip on your screen. Perfect. Glad I made this about me. And I think the last kind of thing I wanted to focus on was someone said, how to keep healing while supporting your partner who also needs, who's also like needs to heal and in that process. And at least for me, I'll just say personally how I am been handling. that and I'm curious your thoughts is one I've been very curious. I stay incredibly curious and after therapy I'll come down and be like hey do you want to talk about your session. Did you learn anything in your session that you want to share with me? Is there anything I can do to support you further? And then vice versa. Like after therapy, I'll come down. Same questions. He's like, did you learn anything about yourself today? Is or anything you want to share with me? Like, I am open. I love you. I want to know how I can help. And so I think for me at least when it comes to two people, you know, that are like doing the work, it's like all of us are. I hope all of us are on.

this perpetual journey of self-development. And it's really important to, you don't have to do the work for your partner. You don't have to, and if your partner says, I don't want to share that with you, respect their fucking boundaries. If they say, I'm keeping that private with my therapist, allow them to have that space, right? Like, sometimes I'm like, I don't want to share with you what I talked about. Like, it's my thing. But it's also about just being there, I think personally, being there for them, calling people

out of like, hey, you know, babe, you're doing that thing again that we've talked about. I think you're back on your loop, right? with love bringing them back to where are we now? And that was just my experience. But I was curious, your thoughts on like, how do you handle that dynamic when you're going through your shit? They're going through theirs. So much I think is like grace, kindness, benefit of the doubt. You know, and one of the things, too, is curiosity always. I feel like you covered that great though, but that's something that is so, so, so vital because we are meaning, making creatures. And so if we don't tell our partner why we do something, they're making assumptions, you know, and we get into, so if we think about it again

is a bank account. Something that's nice that makes it easy with relationship is, are we negative or are we positive? Are we making enough deposits to keep us in a positive place? Which the Gottman's called positive sentiment override or when it starts to get low, negative sentiment override. And how that switches is your partner comes home. They're a little grouchy. We're here in positive. I'm like, oh, they had a bad day. Right. I'm giving them the benefit of the doubt. I don't make it about me. We're in negative sentiment over, oh, he's always so unhappy. Right. We create this story. We create this narrative. Now we're on it, right? So so much I think in relationship that can be really healthy too is what are our rituals of connection? What are we doing? Where are we honoring our time? Are we having

date nights? Are we having check-ins? Especially if people have a hard time communicating or sharing their truth, a scheduled check-in is so beautiful because it's like this safe container where they maybe know something's going to happen, you know? And then also, too, we get to share. And what I love for that and a framework that I think is so great is you sit down. First you start with an appreciation, just telling them something like this is what I love. It does two great things. Number one, if I'm not in a place, feeling very appreciative, it forces my brain to find something, again, that we see what we look for. So it helps me like, oh, I guess he did do that, like in a good way, you know? And if they're in a place where they're having a story about me that I'm not appreciative or I don't notice things,

or I don't, it helps combat that for them, right? So we're getting like a two further. Then the second part is where you could offer your request or a complaint, you know? But we do it in a way. it's like an Oreo cookie. Right. Sandwich it. We're going to sandwich it, right? So first is this, how do we lower barriers, right? We can do this appreciation.

We can, because it's about getting back into connection, right? How can we get in connection? Because when we're connected, it's easier to solve problems. When we're disconnected, we're in the loop, you know? And the disconnection is the enemy, not each other, right? So how do we remember that? How do we get back? Because one of the things I think that's so important, too, on this topic is it's not about

not disconnecting. It's not about not having fights. It's about we have rupture. repair and reconnection and how fast can we start to go through that because in the beginning a lot of times we'll rupture and we spend a lot of time here and then we're repairing so it's no that's a natural piece of it we're not always going to agree we're not never going to have things we're going to have things but they don't have to be so big and we go through this process faster so it ruptures and we go oh repair reconnection we're back in reconnection so it's sharing that appreciation and then

it's the what's my request or the thing that i could really use the thing and and also too just how you frame it. You do this. I know you've talked about that a lot first. How is it I statements? And how can we make it a request? Because it is a request. We are needing something. And the other thing that's beautiful about a request is then the other partner is clear what you actually need. Because if I just say, I don't feel loved. Right. What do they do with that? It's like a baby. You're like, do you cron? Do you need to shit? What do you need? So we just need to tell them because when we can tell them, people want to make us happy. Right? They want it to work out. But that's where like the cheat sheet and just this operating manual of like, hey, it's great. And so it's that request of that,

hey, you know, earlier this morning when you were on the phone, you didn't notice me, I would really love it if. Just offer it. Offer and ask. Because when we ask, okay, set them up for success, set them up to be our hero. They want to be. And then the third piece, which I love is we say what we could do differently. Right. And the piece that I could have done different or the thing that I could do to help support that is when I asked, I could notice my tone. Because the piece that's great is when we take ownership and accountability, it's kind of like an olive branch. It's harder for someone to come back. Not they can't.

As defensive, when we say, and this is my piece, I notice what I can do too. And so it's just having that container where we're communicating and really to check in sort of force us to communicate if we're not very good at that. And one of the places, too, that I think is a great exercise for people to start is start with just 21 days of appreciation. Say what I appreciate. You mirror it back. What you appreciated about me was. and just get in the habit of sharing and sharing something that's positive, right? And the big thing for people to remember is the more we can stay connected, the more we can have fun and remember the good.

All of that problems are easier solved in that state. When we're dysregulated is just not the time. Oh, 100%. I don't think Ryan and I've ever raised our voices at each other because we don't allow that. Like, we will stop. And if one of us sees each other, even if I'm getting heated, he'll be like, hey, what can I do for us? Like, we're getting, I think we're getting disregulated here. Like, do you want us to go for a walk?

like how can we repair this? And I think for anybody like to button this episode up, like I think the moral of the story here is if you're dating somebody and your response to me after listening to this whole thing is, well, the guy, the person I'm dating wouldn't let me say that. It's like, well, then that's the conversation we need to have is what are you doing dating people that aren't having adult relationships that don't know how to communicate like an adult, even if you're not, right? Like even if it's we're learning it.

But I want to see a willingness to learn to grow, not because you're about to leave. and this person's trying to just get you back because they don't want to be alone, but truly no longer self-abandoning your wants, needs and desires, and taking up space, not just in the dating phase, but in the relationship as well. I wouldn't have the relationship I have if I didn't take up space and allow myself to say, as a kid, you weren't, but as an adult, you're allowed. Yeah. Dude, what a great fucking conversation.

I sure hope that we were able to help some people. I hope so. And just remembering everybody out there that, yes, if you're in one of those relationships, We don't have to settle. We don't have to accept it. You don't. Like you're amazing. You deserve the world and it's possible and it's out there.

I love that. Where can people find you, dude? Yes, they can find me on Instagram at Samantha Hunter. And that is Samantha with two M's. And it will say Sam Murphy is my name because I got married and there's like a lot of names. And it's really actually a lot of work to get it shifted. And people when I say that always say, oh, congratulations. You just got married.

I'm like, it's two years ago. Yes. It was a little bit recent. And then my website is Sam Hunter. and that is Sam with two M's also. And I would love to hear from everybody out there and however I can help and support. And thank you so much for having me on.

Of course, yeah. DM. Well, we're going to link everything. Let us know what you think. Put a comment in the episode. Please. Let's know your thoughts. And then we'll be able to do more.

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