The Sabrina Zohar Show - 11: How my dogs passing changed the way I dated

Episode Date: April 5, 2023

On this weeks episode, Sabrina shares her very personal experience with her dogs passing and how it changed the way she dated and ultimately landed her in the healthiest and best relationship she's ever had. Want to work with Sabrina? HERE! Stuck After the Podcast? Master Implementation in 8 Weeks with Sabrina's Foundation Course Join the Make It Make Sense: Getting Through a Breakup course HERE! Get Ad-free episodes and 2 Bonus episodes a month HERE! Dont forget to follow Sabrina and The Sabrina Zohar Show on instagram and Sabrina on Tik tok! Video now available on YOUTUBE!  Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formally known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A.Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, hello, hello. And welcome to our first ever subscriber episode of Do the Work podcast. Well, for everyone that is here, I am so excited to have you. And thank you so, so much for supporting the podcast, subscribing and getting extra fucking episodes. So moving forward, if anybody wants me to answer any questions, I love to do that. I could do it live on the episode. DM the Do the Work podcast, Instagram, and put podcast, and then give me your story. So that way I know that you are okay. with me reading it and giving you some feedback, and that will be a subscriber-only benefit. I am so stoked to have you guys today, and I can't wait to get on into it.

So for my first episode, I think I'm going to do something very, very special and share how my dog changed my life and how his passing changed my dating life and kind of my entire fucking outlook on things. If I cry along the way, y'all, I do apologize, and I love you for the support. But I think that's going to be the first one today. So buckle up, get ready for your first ever subscriber, bonus benefit, whatever the fuck this is called episode. And thank you again for the support. Love you.

For some of you guys who know, some of you don't. So my dog, Clem, was with me for 10 years. He died a month short of his 10th birthday. It was just about. And he was my best friend. He was my shadow. He was my everything. I had been wanting to get a dog when I was like 21 or 22 for a while.

and I couldn't find any shelters that would, you know, give a single girl living alone in New York, a dog. And my friend and I were at work one day and I was like, man, I really, really want a blue-eyed catahula. Man, I'm going to have to probably go to the south to get it. And the shelter where she got her dog called her and was like, hey, we've got these puppies. Do you want one? And she was like, oh, my God, yeah, we're on our way. And they were like, these blue-eyed Australian shepherds. And when I walked in and I saw Clem, he was sitting quietly in this bin and he was such a little angel.

and I remember I had picked up this lab, and the lab like went right back to the group. You know, it didn't want to break off. And then I remember holding up Clem. And wow, I'm getting emotional already, just even thinking about this. But I remember picking him up and holding him and facetiming my mom and saying, is this Clem? And she said, it is. That's Clem. And I took him home that night. And he had poopy all over him because he'd been in the bin. And, you know, this poor shelter was doing the best that they could. If anyone's in New York, it's called Lil Monsters. And they're amazing. They go to all the high kill shelter. and try to get a, you know, puppies that they can find homes for. And I took Clemy home that night and my entire life changed because I now had something else to take care of that wasn't me. This was my first real relationship as an adult. This was my first real, you know, selfless thing that I ever had done. And I had never taken care of. We had a house dog. We had a family dog, but never a dog that, you know, was just mine to take care of. And over the years, I mean, we just, He was my best friend. He was literally everything I could possibly have ever asked for in a dog. He was the most beautiful creature I think I've ever seen. And for anyone that follows me on Instagram, you've seen his photos. He is a gorgeous fucking baby. And we did everything together. Every move, every heartbreak, every sad situation, any friendships that didn't work out, every boy that would hurt me, I always knew I had Clem. And my mom every morning, every morning.

we had like a thing and I would call her on my walk and that was my thing like I lived in New York. So of course I was walking everywhere. Clemy and I would get anywhere between, you know, 25 to 40,000 steps a day on average. And every single morning I would call my mom and I would FaceTime her or video her or send her a video of Clam or a photo every morning. And that was our tradition. And we would wake up together and I would have my baby boy. And I just kind of couldn't even really fathom not having him. And I didn't even realize along the way, like, how much I utilized him from my anxiety management in the sense of going on walks.

You know, how many times I recommend to you guys dysregulation, like go for a walk, take some, you know, go take your dog outside, take an animal, do something and do this for yourself. And that is a really good way to break up the energy. And I would take climb. I think that's why we walked so much. That's how I cleared my head, especially during the nicer, warmer months. Anywhere between April to November and New York is heaven. Well, you get really fucking hot too. But, you know, you can walk outside, not like December through March that you literally want someone to fucking throw you outside your window because it's so cold.

And honestly, I hated New York. I hated winter. But Clemmy was my rock and he stuck by me all the time. And I always have to ask, like, did you save me or did I save you? Like, what? And I remember when my ex, my narcissistic piece of shit ex, which we're not going to say his name, I almost just did. But when he and I got together, he and Clem were so close. And the straw that broke the camel's back for me in that relationship was I started seeing

that relationship fade. And I didn't know what was going on. And he was hitting him. He kept hitting him over the nose to quote unquote train him. And it got to the point where Clem stopped trusting him because that was his, think about it, that was his caregiver. And now his caregiver was inflicting pain onto him. And he stopped trusting him.

And the relationship started to fade until one night Clem bit him. And I was like, what the fuck happened? And I didn't realize it's because my. My ex had breached his hand out and Clem thought he was going to get hit. So he attacked back. And that was the straw that broke the camel's back for me on the relationship. And I kicked him out of my house. And I was done.

There was a multitude of things. But I had never really realized like, holy shit, you were hurting my animal and my dog because you couldn't hurt me. That was the closest thing that you had hurting me was to hurt my baby. And after that, I remember I hit rock bottom after that relationship. Like, I didn't think I could ever move on. I was a ball of anxiety. I actually had to throw away the journals from that relationship recently because it was painful for me to reread where I was at the time, where my mental state was, how I was handling things.

I honestly, like, didn't even fucking recognize myself. But the one common thread in that whole book was, but I have Clem. But I have Clem. And I remember my brother-in-law telling me, Sab, you now need to focus on you, Clem, and your business software. because I have a clothing company called software. And Clemie was always my mascot, and he was always my rider die. He was on every photo shoot. He was in every shoot.

Like, when I say that dog was my shadow, I don't, no, I'm not kidding. Like, I bring him to the grocery store. I bring him everywhere. Now tech guy and I argue all the time about bringing his dog into food service places, but fuck that. That was my baby. And he came everywhere with me. And after the relationship, I really focused on becoming a better version of myself.

That's when all of this self-work started. And I remember every therapy session, Clemmy would lay his head on my lap. And he was there for me. He was my one common theme in my life when everything kept feeling like it was going to shit when my mom got sick, when my ex and I broke up. That was all I had. And that was what I turned to. And that's what I, you know, like my phone is 99% Clem.

So when we decided, this was 2021, when I left and I came to California, I remember seeing being with my brother and being at his house and thinking, Clem needs to be here. Like, I'm ready for a break. I'm ready for winter to be over. I'm ready to not do this anymore. But Clem, more than anything, deserves to have a better life.

And I knew for myself, like, this is good for us, you know? And I knew I couldn't do it without him. And when I came to Cali and I looked at this apartment and I kept thinking, oh, my God, he's going to just sit out on this balcony every day. And he's going to live the, he's going to live out the rest of his life because he was so healthy. He was only seven and a half at that time. Yeah, not even.

Yeah, maybe eight. I'm trying to even remember when that was, 2021. Yeah, so he was eight. He was still young, like in super healthy. And we got all the tests and we moved out to California. And I was fucking miserable. I hated my life. I hated L.A.

I hated all the people. It was so sad. But all I ever had was him. And we'd go on our hikes and we'd go on walks. And I remember when I started Hike Club and I brought him everybody was so happy to see him. And then I joined Hight Club and I would say, okay, well, this is something Clem and I could do together.

Like, me and Clemmy can do this as a unit, and I can meet new friends and meet new people, and like, this is going to be great and how exciting. And we would go on Hight Club every week, and I got known again as the girl and her dog. And everybody would say, I see you all the time with your dog. And I'd say, yeah, I would take him on dates. Then this past year, so for a lot of people that didn't even know,

I was supposed to be on Shark Tank last year. And I was on set for my company, and I was literally up next. I was ready to go. And then they said, I'm so sorry. We can't see you this week or this day. We're booked out. I'm so sorry.

And I remember I went home and I had a full on panic attack. And I melt dead down and I grabbed Clem and I just let myself feel it. And then the same thing happened two months later. Sabrina, you're in for the last slot. That's it. You're going to be on. This is a moment. And then again, I'm so sorry.

I apologize. We're going to have to try again next year. And I had a mental fucking breakdown. And that's when I said, you know what? Something's got to change. Something's got to change. But I knew I was going to be okay with Clem. Amazon presents Jeff versus Taco Truck Salsa,

whether it's Verde, Roja, or the orange one. For Jeff, trying any salsa is like playing Russian roulette with a flame thrower. Luckily, Jeff saved with Amazon and stocked up on antacids, ginger tea, and milk. Habaniero? More like habanier, yes. Save the Everyday with Amazon. And then I was dating this guy, and this is kind of where all the shit hits the fan. And I just kept thinking, everything's going to be fine.

I just need a guy to text me every day and to do all this. And, you know, he has to love my dog. And I remember the guy I was seeing, he was kind of indifferent to dogs. He had a cat, and he was just kind of like whatever with animals and dogs specifically. But he was very sweet to him. And we went away in October of 2022. And we were, yeah, to go see my sister in Encinitas. and we were coming down.

And right before, Clemy was not feeling so hot. I remember I took him out for a walk and he had pooped worms. And I was like, huh, that's weird. And then I had taken, my mom kept saying, take him to the vet. He was throwing up. And I said, okay, I'll take him Monday. Like, it's Friday. I'm leaving for the weekend.

I'll take him first thing on Monday morning. And I dropped him off at the house sitters and I gave him the food. And I told him, hey, I don't think he's feeling great. But it's okay. Like, you know, here's all of the information. Here's the vet. Here's everything you need. And throughout the weekend, I just kept getting text from them saying, he's really

lethargic and he's not really eating, but he's so sweet. And I kept saying, it's okay. Let my baby know. I'll be home soon and I'll be there to take care of him. And so when I got home on Monday and the dude and I went to pick him up, I remember looking and saying, something's not right. And I took him home and I went walking with him and he was a lot slower because we're walkers, baby. We are cruisers. And he was a lot slower. And I took him to the vet. And that's when my entire world literally crumbled. And the vet said, it's not worms. He has protein, whatever, P&L. And his kidneys are no longer processing protein. We give him one month to live. And I lost it there in the office. I completely lost it. And my mom said, call the guy that you're seeing, call him and tell him to come over. And I called

him and he said, oh, I was going to watch a movie tonight. I was like, I'm sorry, what? And I said, you know what, in the typical, you know, anxious me, I said, oh, don't worry about it. It's okay. Don't even worry about it. This is totally me. How am I making this your problem? Don't even worry about it. And he went, okay, well, have a good night. And that was that. And I took Clemmy home and he only got worse. Every day that went by, he deteriorated more and more. I was lucky. I got 10 days with him, let alone a month. And a few days after that, right before my mom came, because my mom, when she saw him on FaceTime, she said, I have to come. And this is the same guy that I was texting me every morning, texting me throughout. the day, FaceTiming me, you know, on our first date, he made plans for our second date.

And he was so fucking awesome. And he met all my friends. And he met my family. And he was coming to events. And he had gone on a trip with me. And I thought, this is my fucking rock. And we went out that way, a day before my mom came and Clemmy had thrown up for the first time in front of me and, like, collapsed. And I lost it. And I remember I asked my neighbor who was my really close friend who loved Clem. And I said, can you watch him? I just need to go out. Like, I've been, I've been with him for three days. Like, I'd just give me a night. And the whole night I was, I was shaking and nervous. I remember the guy trying to be there for me, but I could see that he didn't have the bandwidth. And after I had cried in front of him about Clem and being

scared, he'd then decided to tell me at that point. He thought that was an appropriate time to let me know that he was unsure about me and that he was unsure that we were compatible long term. Because, you know, that's the right time to tell somebody that. And I came home devastated. And we we didn't see each other, I'm sorry, for four days. And at that point, he had come over like middle of the week and that's when Clem was at his worst. and I was kind of just done. He had brought me flour and like an orchid, and I thought that was sweet.

And he barely interacted with Clem. And when I completely broke down, he kind of just stood there. And then that's really when I realized, like, this person's super fucking limited. This person doesn't have the bandwidth to take care of another human like I'm taking care of my dog. And I only saw him once more in that week.

And then that was that. My dog passed away a week later. And I called him after I took Clem and I shared the experience. And he said, well, I'm sorry to hear that, but I do have to get going. I'm going to go watch a movie by myself. Talk to you later. And I remember just hanging up the phone thinking, what am I doing here? What the fuck am I doing?

This person that's supposed to be my ride or die. That's supposed to be there for me. That's supposed to support me. My dog, who is my best friend, a month shy of his 10th birthday, just passed away. What the fuck is going on here? And we broke up maybe a few days later, intended to no surprise to anybody. and when after I left that, I finally realized you've been wanting somebody else this whole time to come and save you. And you haven't been doing that for yourself.

And it made me realize, do you just see what I did for Clem? How much love I gave him, how amazing of a support system I am and that I'm going to be an incredible mother should I decide to have children. I did all of that. And I had the guy that was texting me and calling me and FaceTiming me and doing all that. But he wasn't there when I needed him. He didn't show up for me when I fucking needed him to be there for. for me. When my best friend was dead and dying, you were nowhere to be seen. And that's when I completely shifted on, this is all bullshit. This texting nonsense and this, that, and the other,

this is all fucking shallow bullshit. What actually fucking matters in a relationship and having a successful relationship with somebody is that they show up for you. They're fucking there for you and that they make it time to be there for you. So needless to fucking say, that was the last time I ever saw that guy or spoke to him again. And that is how I completely shifted my fucking dating experience. And when I say I shifted my entire dating experience, I'm not fucking kidding. I literally was like, okay, it's enough. And that's when I took control back of my dating life. And I also realize, like, I everything I needed was within me. And I was waiting for someone to save me for so long. I remember my brother-in-law said that to me years ago. And it's true. And every time I do

in her child work, I always go back and I see the same vision. She's walking around the house that I called the House of Horrors. It's where all the bad shit happened when I was a kid, you know, bulked up. And I see her always just looking around alone. And I keep saying, well, I'm here to save you. I'm here to take care of you. And I take her out of that house. And like my therapist said, I throw a match and I let it go ablaze. And I say, no one is ever going to fucking treat you like that. And so after that guy, that's when I knew, I deleted every match I ever had. I deleted every guy. I unfollowed. I did everything. I said, I'm fucking done. I am done with the low effort.

and I got rid of my list and I got rid of everything and I said, you know what, I'm tired of focusing on texting. I'm tired of focusing on the bullshit, the stuff that doesn't actually mean anything. I want someone thoughtful, compassionate, empathetic, caring who actually fucking cares about me from me. And I remember I had changed my dating profile a little bit and I had updated some of the verbiage to reflect that. And I got back on and my thought process this time was, I am no longer going to go after the usual, the norm, the guy that's so fucking good at everything in the beginning. And instead, I'm going to give somebody different a try. And I matched with a couple of guys, and it was the same bullshit behavior of like them acting as if they're holier than now. And like,

they're doing me a fucking favor by even going out and by even having a conversation. And it was like pulling teeth. And you're constantly going, I remember always going, well, this was, went far. And it was just the same shit and trying to convince these dudes to come and meet me. And that's when I realized, you're living in that anxiety. I don't even bull. believe in the feminine and masculine bullshit. I believed I was living in the anxiety field. I wanted to hear somebody pick me and choose me and that was going to validate me. And instead, I had to stop and say, well, but I'm doing this for Clem now. I'm doing this to finally be with the person that's right for me that he didn't get a chance to meet. And that means I need to be the person that he

didn't get a chance to meet either. And I had to shift all of it. And I remember I had a session with my, I have an energy healer that I speak to. She, like, talks to spirits. And I said, can you talk to Clem? And the day after he passed away or that night, I remember I saw a white spider in the shower. And I almost killed it. And then I took it outside. And that movie Coco came on.

And I was like, Clem, it's you. Like, you're trying to say something to me. And I remember my mom and I went to a store the next morning. And his song came on. And I was like, oh, my God. And when I spoke to her, she said, he loves you. And he's your soulmate. And he knows that he could be the man that you have never been able to.

to meet, but unfortunately he can't. He's a dog. And he's not coming back as the man for you because it's too late for him. She said, so he's going to come back as a dog. And she said, but he knows that that right person for you, it's a lot close to anything. And I met tech guy two weeks later. And I remember when I met him, my first thought, every single person I showed his profile to went, oh, he's not your type. And I was like, I know, that's the good thing. And you know why? You know why the reason I actually went on the date? I had four other dates that week. And what made me want to go with him was we planned to hike. And then he said, if the height goes well, I can drop off my dog and we can go to dinner. And he said, I want to make sure, is it okay if I bring my dog or is that going to be too

triggering for you? I want to make sure that you'll be okay. And I remember thinking, God, how thoughtful. Wow, somebody actually thinking about me, somebody actually putting my hair ahead of theirs to even think about that. And that was that thoughtfulness that I knew. And I, and we went on the date, I talked about Clem. To this fucking day, I talk about Clem every single day with him. And he brought the dog over yesterday and he brought treats and I put it aside and he said, are you sure that this will be okay for you? Is that going to be triggering for you to see? And I didn't even think about it because I'm now five months in. And parts of me, there are days where I feel like I can't even get out of bed because I'm not the same without Clem. And I feel guilty for I'm building this entirely new life.

without him. It's weird. It's my first relationship as an adult that they haven't known about him, just from photos and videos of what I have on the fridge or in my phone or me sharing the stories of that goofy little blue-eyed babe and all the fun we'd have around New York City. And it makes me smile now to think about I needed that to happen. And I know that sounds awful. But I knew that if Clem didn't pass away, nothing would have changed because I used him as a security blanket as a crutch. It's I use my anxiety as a security, I use it as an excuse, not an explanation. And I needed to finally hit rock bottom and realize all of those things you thought you needed in life to get through. You don't. You're a lot stronger than you think you are. Not to say that I would

give up literally anything right now, everything I have right now to have him back. I'm not kidding when I say that. But I also know that I am really fucking strong and that he took him. taught me so much about myself, who I am, how strong I am, how powerful I am. And guess what? I started the TikTok a month before he passed away. My first viral video went and came three weeks after he passed away. The podcast started two months later. All of this, the TV show, the better date than never, contacted me a month after he passed. Everything came after because I knew I couldn't let him die in vain.

And every single day, I think about him and I do things for him. And I let that fuel me. I turned pain into purpose. And I let that change my perspective. I let myself hit rock bottom again and literally cried to the point where I couldn't breathe when he passed away. So this day, just last week, on Saturday, I had a fucking panic attack. And about Clem in front of tech guy. I lost it.

I was a complete fucking mess. and instead of what the other guys would do who were so fucking selfish and completely immature and lacking any kind of depth, he held me and said, I'm here to support you. Whatever I need to do, you tell me I'm not leaving you. And that's when I realized, thank you, Clem. Thank you for everything you've done for me. Thank you for giving me the 10 best years of my life, even though they were filled with so much pain and turmoil. But thank you for letting me grow up with you and being the light at the end of the tunnel for me so often. And now allowing me to create that light when things look a little dark and learning that I can trust myself, learning that I know better, that I know I'm on the right path.

And then I know I'm staying true to myself, even though that might mean my pool might get smaller. but I know that if I don't hold on to these non-negotiables and boundaries, that I was going to be the definition of insanity, continuously doing the same thing, expecting a different result. And when I finally took control of my own fucking life and realized I don't need anybody else or anything else to do it, my entire life changed, my career exploded, the TikTok boomed, the Instagram started growing, I met the most incredible man that I finally, we just said I love you to each other last weekend. And I was finally able to do what I had always wanted to do.

But just without Clem, not physically here, but emotionally, always fucking present with me. And now when I meditate, I see him with little me. And I put them together. And now every single time the vision I have is she's sitting on a bench. And when I come in, she looks back and says, hi. And Clemmy runs out of the beach because he loves. loved the beach. That was his favorite place. And he runs out of the water and he comes right up to me and kisses me every single time. So I know that they're okay. And I keep going back and I keep reminding

him, I'm doing this for you because I fucking love you. And I'm doing this for us because we deserve it. And fuck if I was going to let that boy pass and lose myself at the same time. So thank you for allowing me to share that vulnerable and very low point of my life. I thought when my ex left and he moved out, I thought that was going to be it. I thought that was the worst pain I was ever going to experience until Clem passed away. But it also gave me back my life. It gave me back me. I can now travel. I can do things that I know I used him as a crutch. And like I said, I would give anything to have this talk back again. Don't get me wrong. But I'm trying to find the silver lining in things because otherwise I'll go fucking insane. And I no longer want my anxiety to take over.

And I no longer want to live in that space because this is a conscious choice I'm making. And I reconnect with him all the time. And I let him love me in the third, fourth, fifth dimension, whatever, in that other realm. And I will continue to. So, wow, guys. excuse the waterworks. And thank you for letting me share that. Thank you for the safe space. And thank you for the continued support for whoever's listening right now.

I love you guys. And I can't wait to see where the journey takes us.