The Sabrina Zohar Show - 110: 3-6 Months In: Navigating the Make-or-Break Stage of Dating

Episode Date: November 29, 2024

Today Sabrina is talking about the 3-6 month mark in dating. This is an important time, and often the transition out of the honeymoon phase. This period reveals reality as dopamine-induced excitement fades, making it crucial to evaluate compatibility and address emerging dynamics.  Sabrina encourages slowing down to regulate your nervous system and build trust gradually. This is the time to assess how your partner responds to your needs, communicate triggers, and explore values versus surface-level traits. Power struggles, doubts, and fears are normal as you recognize both strengths and flaws in each other.  Sabrina highlights the importance of healthy confrontation, using curiosity instead of defensiveness, and understanding red flags like disrespect or avoidance. She advises setting boundaries, meeting families, and imagining a future together if the relationship feels aligned.  Above all, Sabrina urges self-compassion, self-awareness, and a commitment to authenticity, reminding you that a healthy relationship starts with you and your willingness to engage with intention and courage. Get Masha and Sabrina's new course, the Nervous System 101: Navigating the Unknown in Early Dating HERE! Struggling with a breakup? Join the Make It Make Sense: Getting Through a Breakup course from Sabrina and Britt Frank HERE! Stuck After the Podcast? Master Implementation in 8 Weeks with Sabrina's Foundation Course HERE! Get Ad free episodes HERE! Want to work with Sabrina? HERE! Don't forget to follow Sabrina and The Sabrina Zohar Show on Instagram and Sabrina on TikTok! Video now available on YOUTUBE! Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formally known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A.Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar Show. My name is Sabrina Zohar, and I am your host. Welcome back, babes. Welcome to another solo, my favorite time with you guys. And today is part three of our series. So, as you guys, we're at zero to one, one to three, and now we are at the three to six month mark. So we're going to talk about most of the stuff that comes up in that time and how to navigate those waters. I'm really, really excited and stoked to chat with you guys. And guys, as always, thank you for everything. Thank you for rating and reviewing the show. Please don't forget. guys, leave a comment. Let us know what you think. Be kind with the words that we use. Remember, there are humans that read that, me, me, and just let me know what you guys think. If this is helping what you guys would want to see. And just let us know how you're feeling about the podcast and things that you like, things that you want to see and how we can support you further. Guys, please don't forget to share this with your friends. Again, rate and review the show. And just follow along so you get all the new downloads. And guys, as always, if you

need anything, everything will be the link in show notes. Masha's course is out. It is amazing. We're helping you guys regulate your nervous system in the times when you really need it. We are also doing a series, zero to three, three to six, six plus on regulating the nervous system. So right now we have zero to three. But guys, if you need anything, there are the courses, there are some free stuff, there's some paid stuff. Check it out. It's all on the link in the show notes. And guys, as always, if you need me, I am here for you. So thank you for showing up as you and allowing me to show up as me. So without further ado, let's get right on into it, shall we? Hi, babies. Welcome back, my friends. We're here for another week. And I'm excited. I'm excited to

talk about advancing and progressing and where we're going with things so we're not just so focused on where we've been, but we're also focused on where we want to go. And guys, I'll be honest with you, it's been a weird year, right? Not just forget everything, just everything, everything in life, personally, for me, and just on a scale, it's been a weird time. And like, I'll be honest with you guys, I started EMDR. I did. I was just kind of, I was like, I want to start a new modality. I want to try a new experience. And I actually had a session right before this. And I'm still processing and still going through it to like, I just share that to let you guys know, like, you're not alone. This journey doesn't end. It will continue and keep going because there's always something more to discover.

There's always something more to process and there's always some other way that you can come home to yourself that you may not have realized that you needed to, right? And I just want to clarify that like it just doesn't end. Like me and tech guy, we are two years into our relationship, right? He's looking at rings like we're having those conversations and, you know, we're really, really looking at the future. but with all of that means that like wherever you're out in your journey, whether it's zero three, three to six, six plus 10, 15, 20 years, like you are forever and perpetually a work in progress. So don't forget that there is no end game. There's no when I get here than this. When this and this is going to be a really, really dangerous place for you to be. And so just be cognizant and aware that where you're at is more than enough. Where you're at is where you need to be. And it's okay if you feel a little behind and it's okay if you feel like you still have more to go. But oh man, if I were, could you imagine if this were it. If this were it, and this is the peak of what I'm going to be, honestly, I think I would unsubscribe from it. So it's just a matter of like, let's get deeper. Let's expand. Let's understand ourselves. And let's really, really get down to the root of like, how do you have a

healthy and successful relationship? Well, baby, it starts with yourself. And I know as cliche and cheesy as that sounds, but it's really real. And you guys wrote in a ton of great questions. A lot of it, I'm not going to be, I'm not going to lie. A lot of it came from dysregulation. I can sense the dysregulation, which is, again, why Mosh and I create the these courses for you to give you tangible tools to actually help you. But join it. If you guys need to learn how to, if you want to, you need to learn how to regulate nervous system, that's why it's there, is to give you guys what you need. But like, I think a lot of us are not really seeing that, like, you have a lot more power than you think you do. But we're so scared of losing these people

that are not our parents, that we're not really seeing the forest for the trees. And that's one thing that I really notice when a lot of you guys write in is just, I would love you guys to realize that you do have the power to regulate. You do have the power to come. back into your body and you do have the power and to make the choices that you need to make for yourself, I think we just forget about that oftentimes. And that's really why I'm here to focus on let's tap back into you so that you could be the best goddamn partner to not only your relationships, your professional, your parents, your parents, your family, your caregivers, your siblings, whatever it is, be the best version that you could possibly be for everyone in your

life because, you know, they're showing up for you. So how do we show up for them? So today, I really wanted to start with, all right, three to six months, right? I think we're so used to like, okay, okay, I got, like, I hear this every day of, okay, well, the dating part is so hard, the dating part is so hard. And I'm like, oh, if you think that dating part is hard, baby, just wait until you're in the relationship land. The dating part is the fun part, right? And now six month mark, three to six months mark, anytime between that, you know what

that also means? That's the end of the honeymoon phase. And I know a lot of us are like, oh, sure, but it's like, oh, no, I've got the neuroscience and the psychology studies to back up exactly what the, fuck I mean, that a lot of the things we say aren't just like sayings, right? It's not just like niceties to make you feel better. The reason we utilize a lot of this information is because it genuinely, like, what you guys need to know. So I think the first place to start is I want to talk about the exclusivity conversation, right? Because I think at this point, like if in that one to

three month mark, you guys decided, okay, I don't want to date anybody else, right? Not everybody goes by this, but for me personally, I like to have stages. I like to have benchmarks that I can personally look at to say, okay, where are we, where have we been? Where are we going? What's the progress? What's the growth? How do I feel? What's coming up for me? Right? Like getting curious and exploring that. The first thing I want you to kind of ask yourself is, okay, how have the last three to six months ago, been going? When we look at this objectively, right, we zoom out and we start to really take stock of, okay. So maybe in the zero to one, one to three time, right, anywhere between that zero to three month mark, maybe at that point we became exclusive. Okay. And it's not a bad, you know, it's not a big deal of people. I hear this

every day of like, what does it mean to go slow? It's like what it actually means to go slow means that you're not expediting the stages of a relationship quicker than they need to be. So maybe at this time you're at that three month mark, this might be the time that you're like, hey, we've been exclusive. We haven't been fucking or dating anybody else. There's no one else in the picture. And I think at this point, I am ready now to only be with this person because we have to remember the dating exclusively just means there's no one else that's going to take this space up for me. But that doesn't mean I'm still not going to focus on just on you. Because listen, you want to go from just dating and dating multiple people to the only being each other and being in a relationship, you choose your

adventure. I will never tell you what to do. But for me personally, I like benchmarks, right? I like to grow towards something. I don't want everything at once because then you don't really fucking appreciate it. So I liked that me and tech guy were like, hey, we're not going to sleep with anyone else. And truthfully speaking, the reason we made that determination in the first three months was because we wanted to have sex with each other without protection. So we had the conversation one night. We went and got tested. We shared our results with each other. And then we had a conversation. And then that was up. Right. We were like, okay, we're not going to be intimate with anybody else. We're not going to and we're not going to be dating anyone else, but that didn't still mean that up until the three-month

mark for me, it was actually the four-month, that I wasn't still assessing and understanding. Because in that time, what I was starting to do is I was setting my boundaries. I was starting to see, how does this person handle feedback? How does this person handle issues? When my needs need to be met, right? And I articulate to that. Do they take accountability and ownership? Do they show up for me?

How are they receiving things? It's like, so that's just that external, right? Like at that time, that's the point of dating. And I think we've lost the art of this because we're so focused on, I don't want to be rejected. I don't want to be hurt. I don't want to da, da, da, da, da, that we don't actually understand. Well, wait, what's the point of dating? Right?

Not to rush to relationship land and be like, okay, well, I just want to be with this person because usually what I see, anytime I see people really rush into it. And of course, this doesn't mean everybody, right? Like, if it worked out for you, kumbaya, enjoy your fucking time. But for the most part, right? Like when we look statistically and most of the people that I work with, not even just personal experience, but just in general, most of the time, it's like when you start really strong, you think you build this false sense of intimacy. You think you trust to this person,

but then when shit hits a fan or when something happens, you're like, I don't know who this person is, what's going on, but I thought we were so close. I don't understand, but wait, you're so quick to end it because you don't really know each other. When we rush into things, it could be for safety, right? I don't want to date anymore. I don't want to deal with this. I just want to know that they're going to be mine. I don't have to then, but for other people, it's because it's about them. It's not actually about you. And it's the same with the people that are seeking safety. because if you're seeking safety, then that means you're not actually getting to know the person that's in front of you. You just want them to quell your anxiety. It's the same as people that do that for ego.

Right. Oh, I want to feel good. I could get this person. But then when the rubber meets the road and they get triggered and they start to have intimacy, oh no, right? And that's the I'm not ready. I thought I was ready for this. And so the reason I say, let's go slow is because not just because I'm Pollyanna. And it's not about the intimacy. You can fuck somebody whenever you want. Like let's cut this shit. what this is actually about is if you go slow, you know what you're actually doing? You're allowing your nervous system to acclimate. You're allowing your nervous system to be like, oh, okay, right? We didn't go from single for six years to all of a sudden this person's with me every single night because that's going to feel too triggering. It's going to be a lot of, you don't know this person. You don't know how to navigate it because when you go slow and you really get to know somebody, you're building an authentic relationship problem. Nothing, right? You're genuinely building trust and safety bit by bit. So, right, I wanted to kind of bring us here to, let's assess what has happened in the last three to six months. Like when TechI and I were dating and, and I've done this with other people outside of him that at that three to six month mark, you're like, I'm not feeling it. Like, or for me, I would always do that like, I just wanted a boyfriend. I didn't really care about who it was. I just wanted to be chosen. I wanted someone to like me. I wanted to say that I had it. And at that three six month mark, you're like, oh, you start to realize

they're a real person. You start to realize like they have flaws. They have quirks. You start to understand yourself of like, oh, whoa, maybe this isn't what I want. I really liked the idea of them. but now that I'm dating them and seeing this more consistently, I'm actually wondering if this is working for me. And so that's why in the three to six month mark, that's why relationships typically end at that time. And it's not like, oh, they wasted my time. It was a bait and switch. It's like, no, that's the point of dating.

The point of dating is to assess and see if this is something that's going to work out for you longer term. So can we take our time to do that? Can we really get introspective of like what has the last three to six months been like? And for me, like, it wasn't until I went away with that guy. When we went away to Palm Springs and I realized like, holy fuck, I really care about this person.

I saw a different side of him. We had been spending a lot more time together. I met a couple of friends, you know, and we'll get to that as we go along. But that three to six month mark is such an important time because you really get to determine, is this something that I want to pursue, or is this something that I actually don't think is for me. This is the time. So let's also just be curious and compassionate for anybody. If they do come to you in this time and end it, that's okay, right? As long as they're honest and vulnerable and open with you or like being real and not being mean or ghosting or any of that shit, like then to me what I look at us is, like, thank you for trying. We did, we tried, right? The guy dated before Ryan, we dated for about

three months. So it's like, I didn't see that as a waste of time. I looked at that as like, okay, this just wasn't my person on to the next. And it made me realize what I wanted more. It made me realize being with someone really avoidant, like not just avoid an attachment, avoidant personality disorder, like he was incredibly reclusive, didn't have any friends, only wanted to be alone, like would just avoid things all together with everybody, not just me. That's when I realized, like, oh, okay, this isn't for me. I don't want to deal with this. And that's, that's okay. I had every right to say that. When we think about the first three to six month mark, we often have to remember that that's triggering doubts and fears, right? Like that is something

that we like to call the power struggle. Let me get my handy dandy here. So the power struggle is normal and it's incredibly crucial in a relationship or unresolved patterns or personal insecurities might start to show up. So here's the neuroscience. So the honeymoon phase, right? That's the power struggle phase is where dopamine is high and the brains were system is encouraging bonding. Again, this dopamine reward system, I need more. I want more. I want more. I want more. I want more. Right. And so around the three to six month mark, these hormones start to level out, bringing real life stressors and insecurities to the forefront. There were so many questions of like, why do things change after the three to six month mark? And it's like, this is exactly why.

This is exactly why. Power struggle doesn't mean that you're literally fighting all the time. What that means is we start to balance out of like, like when Ryan and I started to realize that that three to six month mark, like, okay, so like he's in charge of these things. He's really passionate about these things. I'm in charge of these things, right? And we start to see if that's a balance. The reason that the honeymoon phase when it ends and it's like, oh, they're a real person. I don't understand. But like, everything was amazing. It's like, no, you're now real. You have flaws. I'm sorry. I know. You don't want to hear that, right? You're perfect. But we all have flaws. We are all humans. We all have things about us. And at that three to six month mark, that's when the dust starts to settle.

And we're no longer waiting for the anticipation. You're like, oh, yeah, they're here. oh yeah they're here right and that could be really triggering in different ways all of a sudden we start to see people with high avoidance of like I'm losing my independence I don't want to do I can't handle this we see the people with high anxiety of like please don't leave me I don't want to be abandoned like I'm you're the one you know a lot of you guys wrote in like I knew they were the one from date one but like how do I tell them that it's like please don't it's cute when it works out after and about us but then what I would have to look at is like please tell me what made you think that they're the one and now that you've been dating for three months, are you seeing this clearly? Are you seeing this clearly? If you're like, yes, I am.

Okay, you do you, baby. I will, okay. But I oftentimes want to call bullshit on that because it's, you might know, okay, I could see myself building a future with this person, but I'd be curious to see how many times you've said that this is the one. I'd be curious to see how many times you, oh, no, from the beginning, right? Like, I've met a lot. Oh, I've met a lot of people. I've met so many out. I mean, you know what? I remember calling my mama when I met my ex. And the first thing I said was I'm going to marry this guy. You know, I was right. I did do that, unfortunately. And here we are. So just question some things. If it's a me, I'm going to start to really look at like what made me think that, what made me realize. Like, is that consistent? Are they still

doing all of these things? Is this accurate? Am I really seeing this for what it is? So that we can take the rose-colored glasses off. And this is the time that we're going to do that when you're going to start to realize a lot of things about the other person, right? And so why the power struggle happens. So according to psychology, the brain and attachment system operate under uncertainty and why we start questioning things around this stage is because dopamine release can drop after the initial high, leading us to notice our partners' quirks and flaws more sharply. So it's natural but can feel destabilizing. So when we think about the anxious versus attachment, that can drive the reactions here. So the anxious person is worried about the security and the safety while the avoidance is looking

at my independence. I want to make sure, again, why I'm saying go slow. Because when you go slow, you're not rushing either because at first the anxious and avoidant they the anxious person looks at the avoidant oh my god look how calming they have such independence i love that about themselves are so autonomous and then the avoidant looks at the anxious is like oh my god look how beautiful they around other people they can hold space for emotions until they get you get more of an attachment form right a connection that's really building and then all of a sudden you're like ah shit because an attachment theory right that's how you attach to your caregivers when triggered so again we have to look at the verbiage here like as you start to date somebody in that three to six month mark, when you get into a fight, right?

Or when something happens, when you're triggered, you're scared, right? Somebody had put, like, my partner's always looking at, like, in Snapchat girls, but says they're friends. It's like, well, this is the time that you're going to start because you're scared. You're going to lose this person. And we have to then stop and say, whoa, wait, do I have control over this? I don't want to control my partner's life. I can look and say, I don't love this. But if my partner chooses to do that, then this is me saying I accept that or have a conversation with them.

Hey, I feel that this is disrespectful. And if they say, well, this is me, like, I'm not changing that. Like, these are my friends. It's either you trust them and say, okay, or you say that doesn't work for me, right? We don't need to put judgment on it. You're allowed to make that decision. You know what you're not allowed to do? Control what they do.

You're welcome to do it, but good luck. Let me know how that works for you. So we have to look here at like, what do I do if I notice things that I don't like about my partner at the stage, right? I thought that was a really great question. And at that point, we have to look and say, it's healthy, actually. It's healthy to start realizing. don't actually like that about my partner. I don't know that I like this about them. And the reason I say

that is because then we want to understand and look is that shallow, right? Oh, I don't love the way that they do this. Or is it about their boundaries, their goals, their values, their ethos, their morals, like how they treat people, how they see the world, what they want as a future, right? Like, those are two different things. So like this is, this phase, this stage of dating is so fucking important because you now get to see the real version of them, not the idealized version of them. because scientifically you cannot, they're saying scientifically, according to some studies, that you cannot fake beyond the three months. That's why like a lot of people, oh, at first three months, everything was amazing,

and then all of a sudden they were a monster. They got what they wanted, right? And the reason I say is like, it's not, you can wait as long as you want to sleep with someone. I don't really care, right? But just because someone waits with, it doesn't mean that they're going to continue. You know, like we also have to be realistic that like you could build a really beautiful, intentional and great connection, but then physicality to some people, that might be a deal-break. and that is okay to know.

So if you're going to be, oh, I'm going to hold out and I don't want to sleep with someone, that's okay. But when you do do that, there is still a possibility that they could walk away. So just be cognizant about that. They have every right to. Intimacy for a lot of people, myself included, is incredibly important in a relationship. And if that's a big part that's lacking, that's going to be something where I'm not going to, then I'll cheat, right?

Not me personally, but like that could lead people to resentment or to being dissatisfied or it's okay. I'd rather know at that point, I'd rather know early than in, in, fucking five years that you've been hiding this and haven't said anything, right? So we then kind of look at the three to six month mark also is really the time when like triggers start to come out. Because again, the first few months, when are they going to call? What's going to happen? Right. We're just getting to know this person. Everything is magical. And then once you bypass that and you're like, oh, now I'm being triggered even more, right? And now is the time to be like, oh, I have to talk to this about that. I have to

talk to them about this, right? I can't just like go to my friends and my family. Like this is my partner potentially now. So we have to look that like differentiating differentiation of communication styles, past baggage, fear that starts to be surface, rejection, dependency. This is the time it's going to start to come out. Right. Like this is why a lot of people like I've been watching 90 day fiance and the one girl, she's like, I'm soft partnering the guy I'm seeing, blah, blah. And even the guy, he's like, whoa, like he then found out months later she'd been like keeping things. And he was like, why would you do that? He was like, that's not fair to me. You didn't allow me to make a determination on who you are. And now all of a sudden you're you're switching all of this, right?

that's not fair to do. That's why I continue to say, be who you are authentically from the beginning. That doesn't mean that if you're like, well, I'm anxious. It's like, no, you're not. You have anxiety. Don't let that fucking fuel you. But be your authentic self from the beginning so that people aren't bait and switched. They're not five months in going, who the fuck is this?

Right? Like, why wouldn't you just show me that like you deal with this or struggle with this? That is why. It's funny because I'm trying to explain this even to my own partner. The fears and the fears that you have of you're going to be abandoned and rejected, totally valid, but unfortunately, the protective mechanisms that you have are the reason that you're going to be rejected and abandoned. Because the coping mechanisms that you've learned saved you as a child, because you're not dating your mom or dad, right? Those are your caregivers. I fucking hope you're not

dating them. Now you're in a relationship. I don't have to deal with that shit. Right? So I'm scared. I don't want to say anything. I'm going to keep it from that. Well, but that's going to lead me to go, well, wait, this isn't real and authentic. You haven't been honest with me. That doesn't work anymore. I'm not your mom or dad. I'm your partner. Talk to me. Communicate. Express yourself, right? And if this person can't, then stop fucking dating these people. Stop trying to make people something they're not. Stop trying to date people and hope that in six months, once they get to know you better and they fall in love with you,

then they're going to want to be with you. That's not how real life works. Can things grow? Yeah, when you release control to the outcome and you say, well, if this works cool and a dozen, it doesn't, it doesn't. But not by trying to be calculated and malicious or manipulative or whatever. If I'm going to do this to get this, that is bullshit. And that is how you're going to continue to stay single.

And then it be a reaffirming belief of, but see, everyone leaves me. Yeah, because I'm not being. honest and I'm doing things for them to walk out. Hi, accountability and ownership. Nice to meet you. The ride that steals the spotlight every time it hits the road, that's the Volkswagen TIG-1. Its sleek exterior makes a first impression you can't ignore. Step inside to find available full leather seats and wood accents.

Under the hood, the available 201 turbocharged horsepower engine gives it a fun to drive edge. The refined Tiguan, you deserve more style. Visit vW.ca to learn more. SUVW, German engineered for all. So the neuroscience, right? So the brain's natural inclination is to protect us from perceived threats. So during the power struggle,

the brain's amygdala, which is the fear center, may kick on heightening sensitivity to potential rejections. And then it gets better, right? So of course, you guys and always know, I talk about the amygdala and the prefrontal cortex. So the amygdala is being fired up, right? So your fear center, even scarier.

Oh, my God, now I have feelings for this person. and now I'm really scared to lose them. Totally natural. But we have to now look. So mirror neurons, welcome to something new, help us empathize, but it can also make us feel unsettled when partners pull back or express doubts.

We actually have something in our brain called mirror nuance. That's what they do. These neurons, they can have empathy and oh my God and compassion and space, but then we can also have the fear of, well, fuck, right? Like if your partner starts to express doubt and you're like, oh my God, I'm now feeling that doubt.

out, right? Because of that, that literally what's happening in your brain. This was a question, how do I know if it's a real issue or just my attachment system playing tricks on me? Wow. You know how you're going to find that out when you regulate your nervous system? Hi, welcome to why Masha and I created the course yet again. And the foundation course also talks about this as well, like if you're single, right, if you're listening to this and you're like, I'm not even there yet. It's like, great, then you have something for you. But when we talk about true, like, is this anxiety, right? Is do I just want to be attached? Well, we, first need to come back into our own body to understand, well, wait a minute, what do I actually

like about this person? Do I, is this a fear? Well, what's the narrative that's coming up? What are the body sensations, right? So true and compatibility. Do our morals, ethos and ethics align? Do I want kids? They don't. Do I like this and they like this? Is this a non-negotiable for me that, like, I can't handle, especially nowadays, y'all. Shit's divisive. We are, if you're this, you're right, if you do this, you're wrong if you do this. If you're not on my side, you're against me, right? We don't really have a lot of spacing compassion for others' experiences, you know, and I, it's not even, I don't try, I try not to do that, but I've been seeing it, like, just fucking look on the internet. And so we want to see, like, one, don't make impulsive decisions, you know, just because

like somebody doesn't fucking call you back, like, people are allowed to be human. We have to hold space that it, because then I start to see hypervigilance starts to play out of, like, scanning for safety, and I have to know what's going on, what's going to. See, I knew it, they're going to leave me. And it's like, because they didn't call you, you know, they're allowed to be human, right? And that's okay. You're allowed to, you're allowed to have anxiety, but it doesn't mean that it has to be factual. I'll never forget one of my clients many moons ago. And this is something we worked on really hard with her. And after a few sessions, she really started to see a difference. Everything was sounding the alarm. Everything. If he didn't answer within three fucking seconds,

I didn't see, I told you she would text me. It's been four minutes since he sent this message. I knew he didn't like me. And every single time she was proven wrong. Every single time this guy would come and reassure her and they were really, and like he was always there for her and he was always trying. And you know what? You know what got real old, real quick? That shit. It got to the point where after a few months, like, he even finally said, he was like, I need you to trust me or I need you to not. Right? Like, it's one of the two. Now they're married. So like, don't let this sway you. You can work through this shit. Hypervigilance doesn't have to own you. And that's what I worked off with her on of like, let's talk about the facts what's happening in your body. How can we

come home to ourselves? What can we do to be in this present moment? That way I can look and say, yeah, you know, like even with Ryan, when I'm thinking about marriage, I'm looking at this says, what kind of partner do I want? I want somebody who, what he says to me every day, no matter what, I'm here by your side. I love you. You are the woman I want to be with and I will do everything I need to do to show up for you in that way. And I'm like, same. I mirror that back. And then when we have an issue, hey, is this a deal breaker issue or is this something, right? I check in with my body. Can I keep you? Yeah, no, this is good. Or, you know what, I'd rather be single, right? I don't think that, but I'm saying, like, that could be an option. Just come back home to

yourself so that you can make decisions from a place of empowerment and not just, I'm out of this, fuck this. Like, no, we don't have time and space for that shit anymore. So, okay, let's talk about healthy confrontation and communication when it comes to this time frame. So the importance of confronting issues with curiosity, not criticism, is something that I will screen from the rooftops. Stop coming to somebody.

You never do this. You never do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, no. It's like, Jesus, fuck, dude, I'm telling you, there is no quicker way to lose somebody. And then you're a self-fulfilling privacy. See, nobody ever stays for me. it's like, yeah, they're not staying for you because you're fucking accusing people of doing shit that they didn't do.

Get curious. Like my client that I was talking to you about, any time the guy wouldn't text her, instead of, why didn't you text me? I would say, why don't you get curious and ask what's going on with him? And she did. And then she found out she was like, oh, my God, I didn't realize he was having all these issues at work. He just didn't know how to tell me.

Right? Because more often than not what people are going through, very rarely has anything to do with you. Even if that person's saying, I'm not sure that I want to be in this relationship, it usually isn't about you and more so about, like, hey, what's coming up for them? what's their thought process, what's going on, right? So meet this with curiosity, right? So research shows that couples who navigate conflict with empathy and active listening are more likely to succeed long term, right? If I came to you and was like, you never fucking do this, you always get saying,

you'd look at me and be like, oh, so I'm not a grow, well, I'm not allowed to growler change. What do I mean, I always do this? I never do this. That's not an accurate statement versus, hey, what's coming up for you? I wanted to let you know that I get really impacted when you shut down, and I totally understand that you're going through things, but as your partner, I'm here to support you. I do need you to let me in. Because if you don't let me in, then I don't know how we can build a secure and healthy relationship. So can you please articulate to me what's coming up for you so I could support you? Or what do you need for that support? Right? I wrote down some scripts, right? So scripts for setting boundaries. I've noticed, so I'm noticing I feel anxious when we don't check in regularly. I'm working on that,

but would you be open to a quick text daily? Hello, welcome to expressing your needs. When I talk about, stop texting every day, I don't mean that once you're in this relationship land, what I mean is when you don't fucking know this person and you've had one date, you've been sleeping with somebody, you've been dating them, you've been seeing them consistently. You have every right to say, hey, I'd like to communicate every day. Even if it's on a text, can you at least call me, text me, FaceTime me, send me a videos, send me a something, something, just so that we have communicato. You are allowed to ask for that.

And it's the way that we do it, right? Or here. I value what we have, and I'm seeing that some things make us different. Can we talk it through rather than let it build up? Hey, to avoid resentment, I'd love to share something with you. That's something that Ryan and I say all the time. Hey, to avoid resentment, I don't want this to build up. I'd love to share this.

Are you in a head space to listen? All right. So somebody asks, how do I bring up tough topics without feeling like I'm pushing them away? Well, here's a thing. You do need these tough topics in order to grow. So if this pushes somebody away, then consider this job well done. Because then what you're seeing is that person doesn't have the bandwidth to step up for you. And I'm sure I'll get met with, no, but doesn't that make me feel?

like too much? Where'd you learn that from? Where'd you learn that from that you're too much because you have a need? Because asking for something means that you're too much and too needy. Who taught you that? Because I can all but guarantee that somebody in your childhood made that a very clear message to you. It doesn't mean that someone literally told you that verbatim, but that means that the messaging was very clear that that's what that was going on. So explore that instead of thinking that everybody, right, you the, I think it's Carl Sagan who says this, the treasure you seek is in the cave you fear to enter. You got to. to go through it in order to get what it is that you want. That's why, oh, I can't get it. It's like,

you can have all these things. You're just making conscious choices not to actually do that. That's real power. That's real fucking choice. That's real control. That you have control over. Not this false sense of control of I need them to choose me. I need to choose myself and show up in a different way. Right. And so now let's talk about some red flags because I know you guys had asked that. So there are things that signal a deeper issue, right? And that can disrespect, gaslighting, stonewalling, consistently shutting down, not making progress, someone who doesn't take accountability, someone who doesn't think that they have any part in this, someone who loves to put it on to you and not and deflect, right? Versus some normal growing pains, right? Of like, we don't agree on this,

or we got into a TIF or they said no. Like, these are not red flags. You're allowed. It's the same even with the like, if somebody sets a boundary of like, I'm not going to stop talking to my friends that are female. It's like, I wouldn't ask you to, right? So that's also being clear about like, that's an ultimatum otherwise. So. So someone asked, how can I tell if these issues mean I should leave or if we need to work through them? So again, are they consistently showing up for the relationship or are they dismissing your needs? Two committed partners is what you need to have a healthy and secure relationship. I would not have this relationship with Ryan if it wasn't also Ryan that was in the relationship with me.

So it's also about having a safe space of like, hey, I can't be in competition. I can't be combative with you all the time. Like I fucking, we need to be able to, like, the power struggle is where this starts to come out. And it's about also like, I'm a real person. I have needs, I have issues, I have flaws, I have things that come up for me, and I want to make sure that this is a space that I can explore that. Right. So someone had asked, why do I feel so anxious when things aren't perfect between us? And what I loved about that was really that is coming from the anxiety and relationships, but the brain's tendency to magnify small issues in times of uncertainty is rooted in past experience and attachment wounds.

The perfect relationship doesn't exist. And if every time that time, again, that hypervigilence is like, oh, see, there's a problem. what I hear from that is do you not trust yourself? Do you not trust yourself that no matter what you'll be okay and that you will figure this out? That's what I hear when we start to get all the, I don't know, no, no, no, but if it has to be perfect, it's like, oh, who sold you that false bill of goods?

Right? Should you be meeting one another's family during this time frame? I think this is the appropriate time frame to start to do that. Yes, I think once you are like, hey, we're in a relationship, like this is it, it's me and you. We're in a we thing now. What are we doing this weekend? And are we going to this wedding?

Like once you get into that world, yeah, start introducing the friends, the family. Like, friends, I think you can meet a few, like a couple early on, of course. Like I want to see this person outside of just me and them. But I think family is when, like, it depends also on the family. Like, Ryan met my mom accidentally because he came to pick me up and she was literally there. Like he came to the door. I didn't think he was going to. I thought he was going to be in the car.

And my mom answered. So it was like, oh, there it is. Nice to meet you. And then the same thing happened when he met my sister because he dropped me off. My sister was outside. And I was like, well, I'll never forget. the first thing she said to him was, she's like so nice to meet. And she goes, do you know about her sugar problem? And he was like, we've already had dessert twice tonight. And she was like, cool, just making sure.

And I was like, thanks, guys. So I think it's totally normal. Like I met Ryan's family. Yeah, I was a six month mark. It was Mother's Day. So absolutely. Like, now is the time. So is it normal to, at this point to think you could see yourself with them long term? Absolutely. Again, right? This is the time where we're starting to see them as real people. So I would say the three month mark is still a little early. like that's just when this is all happening. I think the six month like further out. And like, but also let me clarify. When we talk about three to six months, like this is also meaning that you guys are building

something, right? I get people that write in and it's like, no, no, no, no, you've seen this person twice in four months. Like that's not what we're referring to. We're referring to seeing somebody once or twice a week consistently, right? Obviously, if you have schedules, things, even long distance, right? Like, let's talk about that quickly. If you're in a six month long distance relationship, if you've seen this person once,

what the fuck is the end game? Every single day, you guys ask me, what are tips for long distance? Well, let's talk about them. Who's moving? You're just going to be long distance forever? Do you have the money to go back and forth? Do you have the bandwidth? Do you have the resources?

Do you have the communication? Are you guys on the same page? Do you want the same things? I get this every day of like, oh, but it was such a fun fantasy. It's like, that's the point. Because this is fantasy land until it's reality. And you're like, oh, oh. So be cognizant and aware.

When I give you timeframes, if you've seen this person once in six months, I'm not talking to you. I'm not talking to you. I will be talking to you in a different phase, which is, please walk away. Is it right during the stage to sell someone? You love them? Yes. If you feel that, I do believe it's time. I told Ryan at the four and a half month mark.

And it's okay if some people aren't there, right? So let's also put the other side of the flip coin. Is that not everyone's going to be at that space? And that is totally okay. That's totally okay if they're not going to be there. But if you are, you can tell somebody you love them. Like I told Ryan first. It doesn't have to be the man tells the woman first.

Like we're not even in heterose. sexual norms, right? So everybody's, the they's, the me's, the use, the eyes, you say it when you feel it. But also, you don't feel like somebody wrote like, I felt that I loved them on the third date. Like, it's like, no, no, because then I would say, I think you're projecting onto them. You cannot know that from the third date you love this person because it's like, really? I'd love to know what about this person you loved and then how, and they've been that consistent since. Wow, you're one hell of a character, builder, right? A reader. I just, again, want you to be cognizant around that.

Okay, so here's another question. If someone says no contact with any X, no matter of circumstances, red flag, if no gray area for him, I would say red flag because you're right. There's no flexibility or rigidity. It's not that he's a red flag. I would just say that component. I would ask him like, oh, so what's with the inflexibility or rigidity about it? Like, you're not allowed to end things amicably with somebody?

Like, does it have to be no contact? We can't just even, like, say hi to each other on the street. Like, is everybody enemy number one? So it was just being cognizant about that. Another question was how often should we hang out during the stage? This is where you can start having like two, three, four times a week, right? Like at that six month mark where you're like, you know, because I had somebody right in yesterday of like, from the day we met, we spent every day with each other and it's like, oh, yeah,

yi, red flagged city. And like, sure enough, what happened after the three months? Like, I got really freaked out and started to pull away. It's like, because that's not sustainable. When you started 100, I did that with the guy before Ryan. We were spending like every other night together consistently and then all of a sudden started to get less and less because like you can't maintain that. you don't know this person, especially when you're like, oh, but like, do they fit into my life?

I got really excited about them. Set boundaries. But once you're in that like four, five, six months, like, I would never forget when Ryan and I came back from our trip. It was the four and a half month mark. It was right before we said, I love you. And I was feeling really anxious because we got back and I just spent three days with him. And I was like, you know, in your head, you're like, is this going to be the last time?

And he could just sense it. And I remember he stopped me and he grabbed me, grabbed my face in between his hands. And he said, I can sense your anxiety. I know that this must feel really scary for you. because we just spent three days together getting really vulnerable and open with each other. But I want you to know this is the first of many. I had the best time. I am not going anywhere.

On the contrary, I'd like to see you this week. Can I on Friday? And I never forget just being like, oh my God, thank you. And I remember just exhaling and being like, thank you for saying that. That really meant a lot. And then when I saw him like the week later, I had like a huge panic attack and he was there for me and he was holding me. And that's when I said, I love you that night. Because I was like, you support me in ways that no one ever has.

and you've shown up in ways that no one ever has. It took me time to realize that. So I think we just have to be really realistic. And like somebody said, how should we feel during this stage? I can't tell you how to feel. What I'd like you to feel is a regulated dermis system. But I also know that that might not be realistic all the time because if this is new for you, I was disregulated a lot, guys.

When Ryan and I were starting to get serious, I remember laying on his chest one night and feeling this anxiety and being like, what is wrong with me? And then it hit me. I was like, oh, my God, this is the first time you felt safety. holy shit that's new for you Sabrina and it was just like a whole new world was like whoa and I really explored that and I wanted to get curious so it's okay if you're a little anxious because this is a weird time right we don't know what's going to happen this is really the time of like oh god I'm scared but fear doesn't need to drive the car you do have choices now is the time to really

come back again come back home into your body that's why masha and I are creating a three part series because we want to support you guys at three different levels because next we're going to talk about the six plus month mark. And that is really like, okay, shit's going to start getting serious, right? But like at this time, start having the conversation. Do you want kids? Do you want marriage? Like, these are conversations to have. Like, where would you want to see yourself living? Like, could you see yourself doing this? You know, I've had friends that don't do this. And unfortunately, like, they end up moving in together and then realizing very shortly after they're not compatible. And I'm like, I don't know why you didn't have these conversations before. I don't, this is what I mean by,

like, you're just wasting more of your time. So just be cognizant and aware of how you're showing up, how your partner showing up and enjoy this process, babes. If you've gotten to this point, you fucking deserve it. And even if you haven't, you still deserve it. But I'm saying, if you've gotten to this point, don't think that you are going to lose everything and I'm not worthy. It's like, yes, you are. You're worthy because of who you are, not because of what you do and all of these other

aspects. So please don't fucking forget that. Guys, thank you for sharing another amazing week with me. I can't wait for a six-plus month mark. And let me know, too, leave a comment. Let me know if there's any other further questions. I can make videos for you and, like, have my. more content. But I want to know how you guys want to evolve the conversations and what conversations

do you want us to have so that we can keep, let's keep riding this gravy train together, babies. I love you. And thank you as always for everything my guys.