The Sabrina Zohar Show - 113: Dating 6+ Months: How To Build The Foundation For A Healthy And Secure Relationship

Episode Date: December 13, 2024

Today Sabrina discusses the pivotal six-month mark in relationships, when things shift from the honeymoon phase into a deeper, more stable phase of connection. At this point, dopamine levels balance out, and oxytocin shifts, often turning spontaneity into predictability. This is when core values and life goals start to surface, and it’s important to recognize that a relationship might not work out if there’s a fundamental mismatch between you and your partner.  By this stage, communication should be clear and consistent, and both partners should feel comfortable expressing their needs, whether it’s a desire for reassurance or a different approach to communication. Sabrina shares how conversations surrounding intimacy, conflict, and boundaries should be happening more naturally, as should talking about issues like differing sex drives or personal preferences. Emotional safety becomes a priority, with vulnerability and mystery coexisting in a healthy balance.  At this stage, green flags include clear communication, emotional safety, and shared long-term goals, while red flags include avoiding conflict or being overly controlling. As relationships deepen, it’s also time to discuss practical matters like finances, living together, and balancing individuality with togetherness. Sabrina emphasizes that a relationship should not feel rushed and that it’s important to take the time to truly understand each other, address issues thoughtfully, and ensure mutual investment in the relationship. Get Masha and Sabrina's new course, the Nervous System 101: Navigating the Unknown in Early Dating HERE! Struggling with a breakup? Join the Make It Make Sense: Getting Through a Breakup course from Sabrina and Britt Frank HERE! Stuck After the Podcast? Master Implementation in 8 Weeks with Sabrina's Foundation Course HERE! Get Ad free episodes HERE! Want to work with Sabrina? HERE! Don't forget to follow Sabrina and The Sabrina Zohar Show on Instagram and Sabrina on TikTok! Video now available on YOUTUBE! Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formally known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A.Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, hello, hello. And welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar show. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. Babes, welcome to part four. We fucking did it. And can I just say, thank you to everybody that has stuck around. This has been a dream of mine to be able to have a series that builds on each other. So guys, let me know what other series you guys would want.

Pop them into the chat, pop them into the comments, wherever you're listening right now. We want to hear your voice. And so I'm just so stoked. And today we're really, we're going to talk about the six plus month, right? I can always add another episode after on like the longer term, the marriage, those types of things. But I really think like, before we put the cart before the horse, let's talk about what comes after that exclusivity conversation. And the relationship world. It's like now, now this is the real world, right?

Now this is relationship land. And like, let's go into it. And I really identify the major pain points of this timeframe so that I could give you guys the tools and the clarity. And we interwove Instagram questions throughout. So I'm super fucking excited. And guys, as always, thank you. Thank you for being part of the series. Thank you for being part of the podcast.

And thank you for joining the family. I take this very seriously. And I am humbled every day to have so many of you come back and listen, share it with your friends, rating and reviewing the show. Thank you for all of the beautiful kind words. And for everybody who leaves me in comments, you got to live with that yourself, right? I don't have to own that shit. But I'm just appreciative of every single fucking person here. So thank you.

Guys, don't forget, we have In the Trenches starting. Our new series is starting in January, I believe. Yeah. So we are going to need your questions. Don't forget, in the trenches at Sabrinazohar.com, send us screenshots, send us questions. We're going to be doing one every month. So we're going to need some new questions and things to talk about. You could send us conversations. We will keep everything private, dating profiles, whatever you guys, I'm excited about the evolution and the growth. So guys, thank you. Thank you. If you need anything, of course, check out the show notes. There's the courses. You could join anything that you need. And guys, as always, thank you for showing up as you and allowing me to show up as me. So without further ado, let's get right on into it, shall we? Hello babies. Okay, part four, part. I was best said part D. And I was like, that is too, Sabrina.

You know better than that. But I'm just, I'm so excited, guys. And I also can't believe it's the end of the year, right? I mean, whenever people listen to this, we are here where we are. But for anybody that's in real time, it just feels surreal. It feels surreal this entire fucking year we've gone through. and I am just, I don't think grateful is the word to even share that does it justice because you guys allow me, I'm going to cry, you guys allow me to fill and pursue my dreams every single day.

I walked this morning and I was listening to, I was doing Mimi Bouchard's app activations. I'm so excited for her to come on the podcast next month. And it was saying, see your future you. And the irony I was walking over our bridge that we have by our house. And I saw that future me and she was welcoming me. And I saw behind me. I was crying while I'm walking down the street. Think I was 6 a.m.

And I was crying because I had all my littles behind me. And I started to remember all these different versions of myself. And I remember when I was a kid, I used to wear this Queen of Hearts costume. And I wore it every year because my dad wouldn't get us a new costume. And I just remember thinking like, this is the only way I can get people's attention. is I have to pretend to be a queen. And I think this entire year and experience has just taught me, I don't need to be anybody else. I get to be myself. And for everybody that loves that and feels supported, I'm so fucking here for you. And for anybody that doesn't, that's totally okay. This isn't

your family and that's okay, right? You get to choose that. And you get to make a choice. And so I just wanted to take a minute because I'm just overflowing of gratitude and abundance, not because of specific things that have happened because I'm finally feeling in my body that this is where I belong. And I think doing this series really solidified that for me that like, we're here babies. We're in this together. We're growing the show back up. The name change did not fucking get me down. And it's just to show you that whatever comes in life, even if fine, you don't get it to the six

month mark. You still got this. You will get up and keep walking. Now walk towards that fucking future version of who you want to be and embody who that person is right now. Oh, guys, sorry. Sometimes we just need to start with a little bit of an emotion, right? And just knowing that, I got you back. If you got mine, I got yours. And I promise you, I'm not going anywhere. On the contrary, we have In the Trenches starting in January. We're adding more. So guys, don't forget, in the trenches at Sabrina Zohr.com, send us all your stuff, right? I mean,

obviously, you could buy a question if you want privacy and you want me to answer directly. Like, that's always available to you in the link in bio. You could work with me. You could join a course. Like, there's always those options. The courses are on. sale now, just an FYI. But if you don't want to do that and you just want to hear it on the show, send it in. We need more questions. We need more. In the stand store, there's also a submit questions for the podcast. You can send us screenshots. We want to help you guys. So please allow me to help you in the best ways I can. And if the only thing I asked back is, like I said, share it with your friends, pop them into some Facebook groups, share the episode with someone

that you think could be beneficial for and just rate and review it. That's the only way that we grow. And we have to just kind of keep this ecosystem growing because we're here for you. And I am here for you. Let's get to it, shall we? So today, six months in, now is when a relationship starts to get real. And we have to remember at this time, right, when we got off the last installment, we talked to six. At that six month mark, that's when that dopamine really starts to balance out, right? We're no longer in that reward system. We're no longer in the what's going to come, what's going to come, what's going to come. Now life happens, right? Life is happening. We're building something solid. And this is now where the work begins. I think Masha and I have talked about this extensively just offline. If you think

dating is hard, just try being in a relationship. You think dating is the work? Oh, baby. Just wait until you're in a relationship and there is no hiding. There is no, fine, I'll see this person next week. It's like, oh, fuck, I'm seeing this person every day or I'm seeing them tomorrow or we might be moving in together at some point, right? Six plus months. So this is encapsulating everything. And I think what we really want to look at is like what are the milestones that we want to achieve here what's happening in our brain and how can you support yourself through that just so you know oh my god i'm not crazy because there's no such thing is crazy i'm a fucking human and i'm experiencing things that are totally normal and valid because at the end of the day let's think about it who taught us any of this i i didn't have

anyone that taught me how to be in a healthy and secure relationship so let's do it right so let's start with why things shift after the six month mark right and what i really really really did was I listened to all the questions that you guys asked and I started to weave them in organically because I understand at that six month mark that's really where we start to see, you know, like the three months is where the mask starts to come off and we start to realize they're a real person. Then the six months is where that person really can't keep that mask on. So the neuroscience of the post-honeymoon love is that dopamine drops. So the brain stops chasing novelty, right? You're no longer after that high and starts craving stability. That's why at this time, it's like, you know, notice how like your sex life might start to change at that six month mark, not in a negative or positive way, but you're no longer two rabbits that are exploring each other's bodies. Now you're like, okay, I know who this person is. We don't, you know, I remember this might be TMI, but I'll please me be TMI. Ryan and I like, when we first started dating, we'd have six sex like six to eight times every time I saw him. And like he would make sure he would like break

it up. The minute I saw him, he would be like, I'm taking care of you. And then we would like in the middle of our date, depending on where we were if we were home. And then usually before I left because like for us, I didn't sleep over at his house. And I know. And I know. that there are so many people that have issues with this. And so like even off the bat, it's okay if your partner doesn't sleep well in the bed next to you. Like Ryan and I don't sleep in the same bed because I don't sleep. He snores and he moves a lot and so do I. And like my mental health and my performance every day matters more than me saying that I sleep next to my partner. And so when we dated, when I would do sleepovers every single time, I felt like shit. I felt exhausted. So I

stopped doing it. I stopped sleeping at his house. And even when we moved in together, we tried, we tried. And then we were like, okay, this isn't working. Right. And I'm dealing. with my mold detox and figuring out what's happening in my body and why I'm not able to sleep. So it's totally normal that once you get past the honeymoon phase of like this is all novelty, that reality starts to set in. Life starts to happen of like, hey, okay, well, you know, I don't really want to put my needs aside anymore. Like, this doesn't really work for me.

And that's totally okay. So we have to remember that the shift happens to oxytocin. Oxytocin is the long-term love is built on trust, safety and connection, not excitement. And so that's why a lot of us feel like so much changes of like they were so spontaneous and they were so this at first. And it's like, yeah, because it's not sustainable. Right? We're all chasing a high. It's this excitement, right?

That's why you're going on all these dates and you start to like balance your life out. And I think of that everybody, right? You could still have this exciting life. Like I love the excitement my partner and I bring, but there is a lot more stability and what's the word I'm looking for? Predictability, if you will, right? Like I'm a routine creature. I have anxiety. presents Jeff

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Amazon and stocked up on antacids, ginger tea, and milk. Habaniero? More like habanier, yes. Save the everyday with Amazon. So the psychology aspect here is like the six to 12 month period is when core values, life goals, and emotional compatibility come into focus. So this shift can feel destabilizing, especially if past insecurities or attachment wound surface. So we have to really look at that at that six to 12 month mark, right?

This is when shit's starting to get serious. This is when it's no longer fun fantasy. Oh my God, this is the holy shit. Like, what is this person's political affiliation? Right. And to some people, it doesn't really matter. We saw in the last year it's incredibly divisive. What is this person's morals, ethos, and ethics?

Do I genuinely want children? Like, I can't tell you how many friends I've had where it's like, when they first started dating the person, it's like, yeah, I'm down with the right person's of children. And then seven, eight months in, you're like, no, that's not what I want. Or vice versa, the opposite of like, no, I really want this. And it's like, that's totally okay. Everyone is allowed to have their proclivities and have a goal. but it's just about knowing that in this time frame after six months it is normal that it might not work. And I think that's where a lot of people get caught up of like, but we were dating for six months.

I don't understand what happened. And it's like life happened, baby. We stopped seeing this person as an idea of them and we started actually seeing them as a human and what they have to offer and who they are and seeing if that aligns with us, which is inclusive of long term goals. How do we align? What do we see in the world? do we want things that are similar or different? That's okay, right? Like, I remember my first, second boyfriend when I was in my 20s, like mid-20s. And he was awesome. He was such an amazing human being as a person, right? But we were complete polar opposites. And the first few months was

me just on this honeymoon of like, but I have someone's choosing me and I've got this really handsome partner and he wants to do all these things and I was traveling with them. And then after like about eight months is when I realized like, oh, this isn't for me. I don't want to be. with this person. We don't align. We didn't even want the same things out of life. Like, he wanted to live a totally different life traveling abroad and all that. And I was like, I wasn't interested in that necessarily. And so when we broke it off, we cried and we held each other. It wasn't a negative. It wasn't this whole, like, fuck, this guy. It was like, it was a really beautiful ending because what I realized at that point was like we ran its course. And reality was because I didn't start

off. If I had these fucking foundations, I wouldn't have probably been with him. Because with him, it was the first night we spent together. That was it. We were together every day. And I was traveling with him. I remember I went away with him after a week. Like it was, it was just, and he wasn't a manipulative person. He wasn't love bombing. He wasn't doing any of that. We were both super jazzed in each other.

We were just spending every day with each other. And it got to a point like about six months in where I started to realize like he was a functioning alcoholic. Every single night he was getting two bottles of wine. Every night I would go with him and I was like, wow, this is an ending. And it just got to a point of seeing that compounding over time where I was like, hey, I love you as a human, but this isn't for me. And so that's totally normal because someone asked on Insta, why does it change after six months?

And it's like, well, because the first six months are about discovery and novelty. The first six months are a chance to just see if this is somebody that you're even interested. After that, now is when your relationship is being tested by real life, right? Now is when you potentially have like a death or somebody loses a job or something really monumental, a big issue. Now we really get to see how does this person show up. And like, this isn't a bad thing. This is just moving from chemistry to a deeper emotional connection and intimacy. So I want to pose this question.

It's a reflection question, if you will. Are we navigating the shift together or are we getting stuck in old patterns? I think it's really important to ask that. Is this person growing and evolving with you? Right. And like that's a very natural and normal question to ask and something that I think we should get really introspective of. So now let's go into some emotional milestones in the six-month plus months. So defining communication expectations. I know. We've been waiting for this, right? So by this point,

communication should be clear, thoughtful, respectful, consistent, regular, like, you know, guys, I think you guys know me well enough. I don't say no on the texting because I live under a rock and I'm polliana. I'd say no to the texting because I don't want your brain chemistry to be impacted and not make decisions from a place of empowerment. Once you're past the six months, do whatever the fuck you want to do, right? Like within reason, obviously. Like we don't want to. We don't want to want codependency, but I would just express and just be cognizant of like, have you defined what consistency looks like for the both of you? Right? Is it daily check-ins? Is it a date once a week? Is it a phone call? Like, whatever it is, talk about it. If you're at the six-month mark and you're

like, oh, I'm not talking about this stuff, it's like, baby, what are we doing here? Right? Like, the only way you'll have a really healthy, secure relationship built on a foundation of communication is if you build the foundation on communication. So someone had asked, what are appropriate expectations around communication at this time? And again, my response to that is depends on the dynamic of your situation, right? By six months, like, I would hope you feel comfortable expressing your needs, right? Like, I remember that was when I started to tell Ryan, we did, we played, we're not really strangers. And one of the questions was, what's the compromise that you've made in our relationship?

And, or this was like eight months. I remember I made the video. And I said texting and he goes same. And I said, wait, in what way? And he goes, well, I've had to text you way more than I like. I said, well, I've had to text you way less than I've liked. And then just opened up this whole conversation of how both of us operate and how one person felt more comfortable with this, the other person felt more comfortable of that. And it was just a really beautiful way for us

to talk about it and to just have some time. And then I expressed to him like, here's what I'd really need to feel more secure and stable. And he understood that. So he started doing daily checks. And it's like, good morning, babe. Here's my day for today. I can't wait to see you, you know, tomorrow. I'll text you later. And like, that was enough for me, right? At this point is with this person for eight months. Like, yeah, I wanted a daily check-in, right? Obviously, if he didn't get it, I wouldn't freak the fuck out. I was just like, okay, maybe my partner, like, I got days where he didn't text me that because he'd wake up and be like, hey, I'm so sorry. I just, like, lost time at the morning and been there, done that. But on the aggregate, this is

the time to be able to express yourself of like, what is it that you need? Right. And no, it's not that you need this person to text you good morning every single morning. Otherwise, you're going to lose your shit. It's like, okay, but maybe we need, it's like, then maybe I would ask you, do you need that texting or do you maybe just need your reassurance from this person that they're there for you, right? And if they're giving that to you and it's like, okay, well, then is this an endless bit of needs or is this genuinely a need that you could potentially satisfy yourself, right? Because the reality is like in relationships, there's never going to be one person that's going to be satisfying everything for you. It's just reality. Not even yourself.

I wish. So remember, communication should feel effortless, not like a chore. So when to say I love you? It's a toughie. So psychology insights say, saying I love you activates the ventral tegmental area, which reinforces bonding. However, the timing is very personal. For me personally, it took me going away with Tech Eye. We went on a trip to Palm Springs, which is where we're going for our two year and for three. Actually, by the time this comes out, we've already been there.

And because we're going next week. And that was the first time when I saw him in different environments. when I saw him more relaxed. And I was like, whoa, like, we really get along. I remember I'd gotten super anxious. I'm like, oh, this might be TMI. I'm going to say it. We, like, I enjoyed THC products.

And I think I just took a little too much. And I was so anxious, I couldn't sit still. And I'll never forget Ryan. Fucked me. And after, I remember just going, wow, that really helped me. And he looked, he goes, I sure fucking hope so because I didn't have anything else I was going to do. But like, I just remember realizing and sitting going, wow, this person gets me.

They knew what I needed in that moment was to release some energy. And so he loved on me. And he helped me release the energy. And then we went for a really long walk. And I talked to him about what was making me anxious. And I remember coming back from that trip, feeling super anxious because I was like, I was really vulnerable with him on that time. And I'll never forget.

He stopped me. And he said, I want you to know that this trip was incredible. And this just brought me closer to you. I can feel your anxiety. But I'm here to rest assured and let you know that I can't wait to see you again and do more. This is just the first of many. And like it alleviated. I still had anxiety because I'm a human.

But it alleviated. And then sure enough, like two weeks later, we are at a house party. and we took some drugs. I don't want to get canceled for it from the police, but we did something. And I said, I love you Tim first. I was in the closet. And all of a sudden I was like, I love you. And he was like, oh, my God, I love you too.

I wanted to say it, but I didn't know when. And I was like, oh, my God. And so I just think at the end of the day, like, I want you guys to feel comfortable. And here's the thing. You might say it to somebody. And if they say, like, I'm not ready to say that back. Like, that's okay. Everyone's going to be at different stages.

It's like, I don't want you to be scared of telling somebody how you feel. Obviously, that's why this is in the six. plus month mark, right? Like, I told Ryan, I loved him at like the five month mark. Okay, so, so like use your discretion, but like anywhere between five plus months. Like, if somebody's telling you, I love you after a month, like, get fucked. I'm sorry. Like, that's just not real. So someone says, is it the right time during the stage to someone I love you? And like, yeah, if you're, if you feel it's true, then express it. Right. Vulnerability is key. So don't wait for the perfect moment or reciprocation. Like, let it flow. Allow yourself to,

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This isn't just Zohar who made this up, but I've always been saying like 80-20, I can handle 80% of my needs being met and 20% not. So align on 80% of core values and compromise on the rest. Right? So someone says, someone asked on Insta, what if you're starting to see a big difference in sex drive during this stage? Fucking talk about it. Talk about it. Talk about, hey, like I said earlier, like, I've noticed a really big decrease. Because, like, at the end of the day, you're going to have differences. If you don't have differences of somebody it's going to get really boring, it's an echo chamber. Which is why even guys, like, why do you think I have so many guests on the show? I don't do that because they perform better. If you look at the metrics, my solos always outperform guest episodes. But if I, if I, I, you know,

I don't bring different perspectives, then it's just one giant fucking echo chamber. And to everybody that says, Sabrina's repetitive, she just keeps saying the same thing. Let me ask you a question. How did you learn growing up? If I came to every episode with a completely different thought process and a completely different, then you'd eventually start to go and be like, wait, wait, but that's not what you said last week. But wait, wait, wait, why are you saying this? We take repetition.

Repetition is how you have to do something 3,000 times for your brain to create a new neural pathway. So, yeah, I'm going to be pretty fucking repetitive on a lot of stuff. because that's how we grow, right? Did you know what one plus one equal two? Did you just get that off the first time hearing it or did it take you a minute as a kid to remember that? So just be cognizant that we need to have these different perspectives. We need people that are different. So don't be scared that you and your partner don't agree on stuff. But it's a matter of to what extent, right? Like I think we saw that with the politics in the last year. My partner and I are allowed to have different opinions. We're allowed to see things differently. That's okay. It's just a matter of at to what level. what are the non-negotiable aspects of it but i think like have conversations with people right even if you tell your partner like Ryan i've had that we used to have sex like 10 times a day and now we're like okay maybe a couple times a week and when we talk about it we're both even say i'm like i want to so bad but i can't even lift my arm i'm so tired and he'll look at me and he's like my hip is totally out i'm fucking exhausted and i'm like i love you this isn't my lack of desire and he says the same

and we're like all right let's do it tomorrow we'll schedule it like that's okay it's also part of evolving and growing and changing. It's going to happen. So please don't be scared of that. It's very normal that as you progress, things are going to change and dissipate. It's not that they have to change like this person becomes a different person, but real life starts to happen. So somebody asked like, when we're talking like, when do we observe versus communicate, right? So the prefrontal cortex helps emotional regulation of responses. So what we want to look at here is like if there's something coming up, right, is it a pattern? Am I reacting? to that pattern. Have I seen this before? Right? Just getting curious, just taking a little bit of space.

Because someone on an inside asked when to fix, communicate something versus observe their character and compatibility. So what I would say is if their behavior violates your boundaries, right? Like, address it. But if it's like a difference of personality, right? Like this person doesn't like to talk as much in the morning, but you are. Observe whether it will impact the long-term relationship, right? So my partner lives football. I don't care about football. I'd give a flying fuck about football. Right? Go team. It took me a while to figure out what sport it was. And I just don't care about it. And so for me, that wasn't going to be something that's going to impact our relationship long term, right? Like, it's okay that we have differences that he cares about that. You know what he did on Sunday? He was upstairs the whole time watching TV and mama had some alone time. I was downstairs with a dog. I was watching my murder mysteries. I was doing my thing. That's okay. Like, that's totally normal to stir to look at or am I observing, right? Do I get to stake a step back and watch what's happening? Or is this impacting our relationship? Like they don't set boundaries with their family and then their family ends up saying something rude to me.

Okay, well, that's something I need to address. Versus this person farts a lot. And you're like, okay, it's not going to impact our long-term relationship status. So I think it's really important because now we kind of move into like building emotional safety, right, and trust. And so this all kind of like you see the method of my madness as to why I'm weaving these all in the direction that we're in, that we're going is because I want you guys to really stop. and allow yourself the opportunity to make a decision for yourself. You're at the six-month mark. It's not about, oh my God, he chose me or she chose me or they chose me. Do I choose them and do I choose myself? Right? Am I self-abandoning? Am I being honest with myself? I've been there, right? I have

been there in relationships where you don't want to admit it because you're like, if I admit it, I have to do something about it. You want to get closer to your desire or further away from it? And so we have to remember that being uncensored builds trust, but leaving someone and some mystery maintains attraction, right? And so the reason I say that is because vulnerability is beautiful. So we want to have that vulnerability and share things. But we also want to have some mystery, right? Like it's not, you don't have to tell your partner fucking everything. Oh my God, I see my sister.

I was like, Jamie, you don't need to rush home and tell your husband like what I said today at lunch. You know? And she like, we've had conversations about it. And she's like, yeah, you're right. Like I can keep some things myself, right? Like I can have a conversation with my mom or my family or my friends and not go and run and tell my partner. Because then what ends up happening is you erode a lot, right? And vice versa, right?

I don't have, I don't run and tell my friends everything, but then I don't talk to my partner about it. Because you have to remember, that's not fair to everyone involved. So it's really about not playing games, but also being cognizant of what you shared. So someone had asked, how uncensored should you be at this point? No games, but should you still leave a mystery. Be open about emotions and values, but let me. mystery exists around your quirks, your hobbies, like keep some curiosity alive. Like, Ryan, the other day we were at the grocery store and he was in and I came to meet him. I like went

next door and came in. And I, of course, like a moth to a flame went to the snack aisle. And I saw him like across the store so I thought I had time. And like all of a sudden like I was, there was Backstreet Boys playing and I was fucking dancing. And like I turn around and I just see him go, oh hi. And he just started laughing. He was like, fucking love you. And I was like, hey, didn't see you there. Right? Like it was just my quirk and like me just being ridiculous. and he had seen that part of me and he loves when he gets to see that part of me because I usually don't like show that, right? I don't start dancing and singing in the middle of public, which I probably should. So I would say like, you know, mystery, like distance creates desire,

not intentional, not games, not I'm going to keep them away, but also just knowing, you know what, I can talk to my therapist about this. I don't need to talk to my partner about that. Or let me talk to my therapist or friend before I talk to my partner about this. It's just about knowing as you grow and build this relationship, not everything needs to be shared with each other. Like, it's, it's just not where we want to be. So another question we had asked on trust and privacy, is it okay to check my partner's phone if something is bothering me? No. I'm just going to say, listen, is it okay? I'm not your fucking parents. I can't give you. But what I'll say is checking their phone signals a lack of trust, right? I would instead talk to them directly and address the

concern of like, hey, I don't want to look at your phone. I'm not interested in having that dynamic or that relationship, but I have noticed this. This makes me really uncomfortable. Can we talk about that? because I don't really understand what's going on. Fucking, yeah, communicate. But no. I am so tired of this, like, checking their phone and checking their social and how many girls are they following and all of it. Guys, if somebody you're dating is doing things that don't align, then stop dating those people. But, like, is it normal that, like, okay, I'll give you an example.

Ryan showed me a video the other day that he was looking at and it was a girl who cooks. And her whole joke is that she says, I'm single. And every video she has or her boobs are out while she's cooking. And that's the joke of it. She's a comedian. millions of plays. He showed it to me. I didn't even see it. All I looked was, I was like, ooh, the food looks great. And he started laughing and he goes, you know, I'm turned on more by the food than this. I wasn't insecure about that. I wasn't like, who the fuck is this? And what are

you doing? And I don't trust you. I trust myself. I trust my partner. I know who I am. I know that my partner gets turned on just by looking at me. Okay, so you, that girl had a great rack. I don't have that. I'm not threatened by that. And so that's what we want to like kind of look at here is if you don't trust your partner, then fucking say it. But if you don't trust you don't trust yourself instead, then fucking say it. It's okay, you're human. You're allowed to be insecure. You're allowed to have those moments, but they don't need to be your partner's issue. Like, my partner's allowed to follow pretty women. There are, listen, outside of the gender norm, there are two genders, male or female, if we're looking at X and Y chromosomes here. So if I tell him

no women, o'y, that's a fucking misogynistic goddamn fucking echo chamber. And if I only say women, it's a little, it's a little estrogen heavy. It's okay to have different perspectives. But again, no, you don't get to fucking check your partner's phone just because you think something's off. Talk to them about it. And if they gaslight you or you feel like you didn't get the answer from them, then deal with that, right? Deal with what would cause you to look at their phone as opposed to looking at their phone. So let's talk about some green flags. Okay? We've been talking about a lot of different things. So the green flags I want you to look out for at this stage are consistent effort, emotional safety, and a shared vision of the future. Really? Do you? Do you? You know,

you communicate well, right? Does this person make you feel seen, hurt, and understood? That's emotional safety. Are they consistent, reciprocal and reliable, right? They show up when they say they're going to. You trust that they're going to be there for you. And then shared vision of future. Are we going in the same direction? Do we want the same things? Do I want kids or not? Do I believe in this or not? Do I want to live here or not? You have every right to say no, and so does the other person. So some red flags. Persistent avoidance of conflict. I cannot scream this from the rooftop. Okay. I don't want to hear this bullshit of like my avoidant. It's like, no, no, no, no, no, no. Stop diagnosing people. I'm dating somebody with avoidant attachment style. Cut the bullshit. If somebody is avoiding conflict, conflict altogether,

then stop, stop dating them, stop engaging with them, stop pouring more energy into them, stop praying that they're all of a sudden going to change and start asking yourself who they remind you of. Because I used to date men like that because they were like my father. My father would be completely dismissive. He didn't want to handle anything or he would just scream and yell and walk out. Are they being dismissive? Are they being controlling? right? Like someone had I said, if he says no contact with any ex is that a red flag, and it's like, the reason it's a red flag is because a hard stance like that could potentially indicate insecurity and control issues, right? That's why I don't like this or that,

that black and white thinking. So me, there's gray, right? Because here's my question, oh, do you have kids with your ex? Was there, were they a family friend before? Right? There's nuance to it. So when we come out with this blatant like, nope. And I remember that was tech guys, that was tech guy's prompt on the profile. He says, said, what was something you've changed your mind recently on and can you share more about it? Because what he was really interested in is, are you growth-minded? Are you fixed, right? Like for me, I'm not a fixed mindset. You guys could come to me with like actual psychology and science and I'd be like, oh, okay, cool, different perspective. Not bullshit of like, well, this is what

I've experienced. It's like, well, okay, that's what you've experienced, but that doesn't necessarily mean that that's based on the psychology or the neuroscience of it. So it's okay, right? We want to be cognizant of what are we really looking out for here? Are they gray? Are they willing to have conversations about it or are they rigid it has to be this or it's done it's like trust me you ain't going to be doing well with a person like that because I could all but guarantee they probably have that thought process about other things in life and dating someone had asked you know when you're unsure right and I get it at this six month mark we start to wonder you know am I sure about this person what's going on because then let's talk about what's to come right are we moving in together right are we

talking about finances are we doing all of these things right like this is the time and I don't want to hear this anymore of like, I'm too scared to ask. It's like, bitch, you can't be scared to ask somebody how much money they make and how they spend their money. What's their debt? Where does it land? Because you marry this person. Guess whose debt that is? It's yours. So we want to make sure, like, Ryan and I've always been clear about like, how do you spend your money? How much money do you have in your savings? Like, what do you owe? Neither one if has any debt whatsoever. And we were like, cool, cool, cool. We're both frugal in the right ways, but we both know how to spend when we want to. We both see it like, okay, we want to spend on here, but not here. And we align in that. Otherwise,

we would be constantly having issues in our relationship. So I think when we want to look like, so sometimes relationships can hit a plateau where things aren't wrong, but they aren't necessarily right. And so someone said, what if things aren't right but they don't feel completely, right, they're not wrong, but they don't feel completely right. What I want you to focus on are the values.

Are the feelings due to external stresses, right, because of things happening in life? Or is it truly incompatibility because who you two are as people are just not in alignment? It's okay, right? This is why we're dating people, is to get to see what's going on. You know, because now we want to talk about deepening the connection.

So novel experiences increase oxytocin levels. So now we want to start introducing some shared adventures or hobbies to reignite the connection. Right? Because I'm going to ask, how do you keep the spark and continue to get to know each other better? Prioritize intentional alone time together. Try something new every month. Ryan and I have a standing date night every week. Every week we do a date night together.

It doesn't matter what night it is, but we do something for the two of us. maybe trying a new restaurant, go and we went to go-karting, like we do arcades, like we do stuff just to add some levity and lightness into our days because shit can get really heavy, right? So what we want to do is like, can you do a cooking class? Could you do a weekend away? Could you do something together? Because now we start to go into like independence and interdependence, right? Like how do you balance it?

Because, you know, how many nights should you be staying together weekly during the stage? And it's like, there is no one size fits all. Everyone's going to be very different with that. what I would suggest kind of looking at is, are you spending enough time to deepen the connection, but not too much to where you lose individuality? Right? Because that's really, really important. Because now, let's talk about like the move-in question.

I think at this point, at the six-month mark, it's too early to me. I mean, listen, I call me old school. I don't think you should be moving in with someone under six months. You fucking know these people. It's still really fun to be able to go home. Like, I love my partner. Don't get me wrong. We've been living together now for a few years or for a few months.

Oh, here. What am I talking about? We moved in together over a year ago. And the only reason we moved in together at the time that we did was because we, our leases didn't overlap. And we were just like, well, fuck, what are we going to do? And it was either sign a new year lease for him, extend mine six more months. And we were like, okay, let's just do it. Right.

And we did something where it was nine months, but we put ourselves in really uncomfortable position of move into my tiny 600 square foot apartment and let's see if we could do this. And we did it. And now we have a bigger home. And now we're looking for another home because it's part of it. Right. And so I think having the conversation anywhere between like nine to 12 months, if you're like, hey, you're the person I want to be with. I can really see a future here. Let's like take our relationship to the next level. Cool. Who's going to move into what like are you guys going

to get a shared place together? What are your budgets? You see why finances are so important to talk about. How do you like to spend your money in what ways? Because I've seen it where there are people who I'm like, wait, wait, like I was watching 90 day fiancee last night. One of the girls comes out of the car and she's got dripping in designer like the massive Louis bag and everything. But then you see her apartment and you're like, it's a shitty fucking tiny little nothing apartment in like a shitty area. And it's like, wait, how do you spend your money? I'd rather have like a nicer, bigger house than and not have designer crap than always be dripped in stuff pretending as if I make so much money when like, I don't, right? Like the rest of my life doesn't reflect that. So I think it's really important at

this time as you're deepening the connection and you're really, really starting to evolve, right? At this point, like, we're meeting the friends and family. It's now we're getting into the, what are we doing this weekend? What are we going to be doing next month? Are we going to this wedding together? But also holding space that the whee's could also still be a me, right? I had a Christmas party come up and Ryan was like, I don't really want to go. And I was like, okay, fair, right? First holidays together, we navigated that. I went to his family. We split it. We went to my family for a little, went to his. This year, I said, I'm taking one of the holidays off. My family doesn't sell her right holidays ever. So doing two last year was a lot for me.

This year, one of them I'm sticking it out. And then one of them I'll be with you and for family. And so we chose the one where most people are going to be. And the other one, he's like, it's cool. I'll just go with my family for a little. Right. Like, this is part of deepening that connection in that relationship. Do things, have couple friends, have things that you guys could do together. And remember to keep the fucking connection alive. Continue to ask questions. This isn't the time to just get lazy and do Netflix and chill every night. Like, you want to keep your relationship alive. And I've always told that to Ryan. I'm like, we have to have our date nights. We have to have our guneziqua. We schedule in our sexy time together to make sure that we prioritize that over each other,

like with each other, because it's so easy to get swept up and go, oh my God, it's been six months. and I haven't even like gone on a date with my partner, right? Or like, oh, God, we want to have kids. And so we're so focused on that. Or my partner's building their business. I never get to see them. One thing that I think is really important too is like, ask yourself the question. If this were an issue and we had been dating for three months or three years,

would this still be a problem to me? Right. Like I always ask, that's what I'm like, okay, fine. You live together. You don't have to fucking get your good morning text. What are the issues? Right? And because the reason I say that is to go, oh, it's like, well, but they don't prioritize me.

Okay, that's the issue. It's not about the texting. So let's talk about what's actually coming up for us. And just know if this time period it ends, let it end. That's okay. It wasn't a waste. You're growing and evolving and learning. And if this is going to be your person, great.

Nothing's going to fuck that up. Have the conversations. Start talking about all of the things. What is it that you want, need, and desire? Start calling them on their shit, right? Like this is where Ryan will say something. I'm like, hey, that's not cool, man. I don't appreciate that in our home.

Can we talk about what we'd like to do in the mornings and how this makes sense for the both of us, right? Like, start talking about, okay, I, like, when Ryan and I moved it together, he was like, I handle a cooking. And I was like, okay, cool. And he said, well, will you take the cleaning? And I said, no, I'll hire someone. He goes, okay, cool, right? So I was like, I will pay for that because I don't want to do my side of the street. I don't want to clean this house. I'm too fucking busy. Great, I'll pay for the housekeeper. And so, but he takes care of all the cooking and the grocery stuff and all that. And it's like, we balance, right? When I

forget to take the garbage out, he's already taken it. But when I see that he's left something on the counter, I'm already putting in the laundry. It's about balance. We want to see that both of you guys are invested in this relationship together and it's not just being heavy lifting on one side or the other person not fucking doing anything or hyper independence and hyper, like, I don't want to do, oh, I can't let this person in. Like, listen, this might be the time that you guys consider couples therapy at the nine plus month. If you guys are feeling like, hey, we just need some help learning how to communicate a little bit more. Like Ryan and I have been in therapy, not because there's anything wrong, but because we want to get married.

And we're talking about that. And I've been very communicative with him of like, I'm not ready for marriage. I don't want to do that yet. Please hold off. Like he wanted to marry me a year ago. And I was like, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. We're not ready for that. Communicate.

Let someone know your hesitation. Let them know. That way you are not just leaving someone in the dark. You're giving them clarity because you're also tapping into yourself. I don't want to just get married to get married. I don't need to do that. I want to get married to the person that I genuinely believe is the right person for me. It's going to take me imminent.

If I'm going to spend the rest of my life. life with you. What's taking an extra six months for me to figure that out? Because I'd rather do do that. Somebody didn't ask, and like, of course, my heart fucking goes out of like, well, I'm over 40 and I want children and what do I do? How can I rush the process? And it's like, do you want to rush the process? You want to rush and have a child with somebody and then be stuck for 18 plus years with this person, not knowing if they're going to actually be the right match. Because you can, you can adopt. My friend just adopted two babies. And I get, I'm not saying it's easy, but like you can find other ways, but I don't want you just to rush into something because you're like, well, there's no one

else. I'll take what I can get because it's like, again, I don't want you to live that life. I don't want you to take what you can get because I've seen how many of our fucking parents got married quickly because somebody got knocked up or we know all those stories of like, yeah, at 22, we got married because that's what you did back then. And then they're not happy and they're not satisfied. This is the time now to take the time for you. So guys, I really hope you loved the series. Please, please let us know. Let me know what more series do you want, right? Like if there were things that specifically, like, do you want a fucking year plus one? Okay, what questions do you have about the year plus one that I didn't answer specifically now? Right? Like, if you guys want

stuff, just let me know what was missing from it so I know how to support you. Otherwise, I'll get like, more on this. And it's like, yeah, but there's four episodes on it. So like, what is missing from it? Let me know, comment it, rate and review the show. Please, please, guys, do not forget. It means the fucking world. And just please let me know how else I can support you guys. Because I want to make sure that this show is really showing up in the ways that you guys need and not in the ways that I might think you do, right? So guys, I love you. Thank you for everything.

And until next time, my babies.