The Sabrina Zohar Show - 115: How to Detach: It's Time To Let That Sh*t Go!

Episode Date: December 27, 2024

In this solo episode, Sabrina dives into the psychology and personal journey of detaching and letting go, emphasizing that the process is deeply individual and often challenging. She explores how anxiety and fear manifest across various aspects of life, such as relationships, money, and family, highlighting that our brains are wired to resist change due to comfort zone traps and familiar dopamine patterns.  Sabrina shares her personal experiences, illustrating how projections and unmet needs often tether us to past relationships or circumstances. She underscores the importance of grieving unmet expectations, like the childhood or relationships we didn’t have, to signal safety to the brain and foster emotional healing. Letting go is a superpower that creates space for growth and new opportunities, even though the process can initially feel painful. Sabrina offers practical tools like journaling, challenging core beliefs, practicing bilateral stimulation, and creating physical rituals, like writing and burning goodbye letters, to help reframe and release attachments.  She stresses the power of choosing freedom over fear and learning to observe situations without controlling outcomes. Detaching requires sitting in discomfort, embracing facts over fantasies, and cultivating self-soothing techniques. Ultimately, Sabrina encourages listeners to reclaim their energy, focus on personal growth, and let go of what no longer serves them to build emotional stability and empower their lives. Stuck After the Podcast? Master Implementation in 8 Weeks with Sabrina's Foundation Course HERE! Do you feel like your emotions run the show and react in ways you can’t control? Join the Nervous System 101: Navigating the Unknowns In Early Dating from Sabrina and Masha Kay HERE! Struggling with a breakup? Join the Make It Make Sense: Getting Through a Breakup course from Sabrina and Britt Frank HERE! Get Ad free HERE! Want to work with Sabrina? HERE! Don't forget to follow Sabrina and The Sabrina Zohar Show on Instagram and Sabrina on TikTok! Video now available on YOUTUBE! Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formally known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A.Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

She knows. How? Did you blam? No. The Devil Wears Prada 2. He's the movie event 20 years in the making. Honestly, can't with the secrets anymore, so I think we just should tell her. Will you two please spit it out already?

This Friday, be the first to experience it only in theaters. In light of the recent scandal, I'm here to restore your credibility. Oh, because we're a team now. That's a nice story. The Devil Wears Prada 2 in Theaters Friday. Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar Show. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. You guys, this is it. This is our last episode of 2024. Guys, we made it, which by the skin of our fucking teeth, we made it. And that's why this episode, I wanted to get right on into it is time to detach and let that shit go. And we're going to get into all the nitty gritty and the science and the psychology of it and just some personal stuff that I want you guys to be able to relate to. And so I'm just so grateful, guys. Thank you. Thank you to everybody.

Please don't forget, rate and review the show. Please share it with your friends. That is the only thing I ask. Post it in your Facebook group, send it to the group chats. Just please, please let people know that we exist so that we can keep the party going and grow the ecosystem. And thank you to everybody who has reviewed and rated. Guys, don't forget if you need anything, all the courses are available. We've got the nervous system, the breakup course, the foundation course, whatever you guys need.

Everything's the link in bio. Because starting next year, I am going to be changing a lot of things. Not about the show or anything. As you guys know, we have in the trenches coming. Send in your questions. but they're just going to be taking less, I'm going to be personally taking less one-on-ones and really focusing on how I can help at a broader and global scale, which is why the courses are there for you guys, you can work with me no matter what, even if it can't be directly.

So guys, if you need anything, don't forget, link in show notes. Thank you to all of our sponsors. Please, please support them. And guys, I'm just excited. Let's get right on into another amazing episode. Wow. I can't believe that we have now made it to the end of the year. When this year started, boy, was liberated and bushy-tailed, right?

I had all these different plans until July, what, 15th hit me when we had the name change. And, you know, the reason that this episode even came to his inception is because of somebody that left me a review. And you guys know, I am very grateful for all of the reviews, whether they be positive or negative. Like, everybody is allowed to believe what they want. All I ask is you speak with kindness when you're leaving one, right? There are humans such as myself that read them. And there are certain things that won't change, right? Like the speed of which I speak, right?

People write that all the time. And it's like, this is who I am. please accept me for who I am. This is my show. That stuff's not going to change. But somebody loved a comment that was actually really quite hurtful. And the reason being is because it was telling me that I need to move on. And it's time. We don't want to hear about your name change. We don't care anymore. And the reason it was so hurtful was because of a couple of things. One, when we're talking about letting go and detaching, let me ask you a question, because you deem that somebody needs to let go, does that mean that they have to let go?

Right? Like, we can't force that upon our friends and our family. And so when you have a friend, maybe that's going through a breakup or a tough time or like myself, a name change, right? Like, I'm not dating. I can't give you guys personal experience of like, this hurt me and I haven't let go of it. So what I can offer you is other experiences that I'm going through to show you that I'm a human as well as you are and that it takes time to let go of things because every day, right, to this person that says, well, we don't care about it. You're not impacted, but I am. Every day, there is a new impact that comes from the name change. And again, it's not that it's good or bad. It's just that I'm being a human and going through real life experiences and

sharing that this stuff doesn't just go away overnight. And so I ask for compassion and kindness. Guys, if you don't like something that's okay, just don't engage with it, right? You can move on with your life. If your friends are going through something and it's struggle, let them know, hey, you know what, I can't really help support you anymore during this, but I do, I want you to have the support that you need, but it's not coming from me. You guys can take care of yourself while also respecting other people. And that's actually why I thought about this episode being, it's time to let that shit go. And not because I'm going to shame and blame myself. Like this stuff is probably going to impact me into the next year because a new year doesn't mean that all of our stuff goes away. But it is that

I personally want to move on for myself. And I want to do this for me, not because somebody tells me to, but because I am ready to move on and let that shit go and move towards the future and what it is that I actually am seeking. So thank you to whoever left that review, because you just lit a fire under my ass to stay even truer to myself. And that's okay. You have every right three stars. Didn't think that was appropriate. You know, didn't think that was necessary. But here we are. Nonetheless, moral of the story is, you are not alone. Anybody that is struggling, if you're going through things, you are not alone. And the reason I share my personal experiences is so show you, I am not any better or different than you guys. I'm just at a different part of my journey.

And that kind of brings us into like this end of your recap, right? This year was really fucking tough. It challenged my mental state. We lost people. We gained people. I ebbed and flowed. And the reason I bring this stuff up is because, again, I'm not dating. I'm not in that, I'm not in the trenches with you guys in that way. But what I am in the trenches with you is how anxiety manifests in different parts of our life, how these childhood core beliefs and wounds carry through into our adult life in every aspect, not just romantic, friendships, career, right? Like, every day, every day, it doesn't matter how much money I make or how well I do or how successful I am. Every morning I wake up scared I'm going to lose everything. Because growing up,

I never knew if my dad was going to be home. I woke up one day and my brother was gone. I woke up one day my brother was arrested. I woke up one day and my sister was gone. I woke up and had no one in the home. We woke up not knowing if my father was going to come back and give money for groceries. We woke up consistently worried that this was going to be the end. And that doesn't just go away. That fear it carries over into your adult life. It's not just relationships. It's not that I worry about my partner leaving. But you're so human if you struggle with these things, right? If you wake up with fear, that's okay. Your body has always been in dysregulation and in fight mode. So please don't fight it.

Know that you are a human and that's okay. This is part of it. And that's the compassion and grace. I want to show you guys is that if you're not ready to let go, that's all right. But it's also very human for this to have experiences in different parts of your life. And that's why we went over. I have all of this neuroscience and psychology, but here I'm going to give you the real shit. You guys are doing the work and I could not be prouder, but that doesn't mean it goes away.

And I know it sucks and I know it hurts. And I know people have written in all the time of like, I'm so tired of doing the healing, it's like, but that's why most people don't want to do it. It's because it's hard and you're creating new neural pathways and you're creating a new life for yourself, unlike the life that you've been living. And even for me, that's going to take me time and for my nervous system to understand, oh, I am safe. I am safe because I have me and I finally have my back that doesn't happen overnight. But you know how it happens? Fucking repetition, right? For anyone that says, oh, well, Sabrina, you keep repeating yourself. It's like, yeah, because I am an expert at this.

I am telling you that this is how you do it. It doesn't change. Right. Like when I go to the gym, my trainer doesn't change our stuff every week. It's pretty similar because the goals stay the same. So if you guys want to actually achieve this, keep going. Keep doing what you're doing. Keep journaling. Keep challenging your thoughts. Keep going going. I promise you. It gets easier over time. We're trying to expand our window of tolerance. So that means we're going to need repetition to do so. And you are not alone. I'm with you guys. I literally wake up every day doing these techniques, coming back to myself and then remembering who the fuck I. am and the community that we've built. 2025, I can't fucking wait. We're going to have new courses are coming out. I'm writing a book. I am so excited. I'm trying to go on TV. I am expanding my career to be more global. I'm taking less one-on-ones. That's why I'm creating more courses, is to help people in different ways and to also show up for myself and say, Sabrina, you get to do what you love. You get to help people in different ways. And that's the, that's me standing up for myself and saying, I got my back. It doesn't matter what happens around me. Right? And we're going to do

this together because I want to talk about why it's so powerful to let go, right? This isn't about detaching so you never feel again. It's about releasing the attachments to it. Again, the reason I bring up the name change is because I don't have a relationship to talk about right now. But when I had relationships, when I was dating people, like the fucking YouTube guy that I was obsessed with, or the guy that I text 137 times after he ended it after like five dates, the reason I was so obsessed with them wasn't because of who they are. These people are fucking humans. They're not anything to call home about. It was because of what I projected onto them. It was what they represented to me. You choosing me means I'm valid. This beautiful, attractive

person that's successful, choosing me means I'm an attractive and successful person. It wasn't about them. They're nice. Don't get me wrong. But I think when we're talking about letting go, I think what we have to really look at is like, well, what are we holding on to? And almost every client I work with, it's almost like clockwork. It's one of my favorite things to do is to challenge them. I'm like, oh, okay, really, tell me all the things that you like about this person. And then they'll go on and I'm like, okay, now, what are the proof? What's the fact to back that up? Oh, okay, so they're so thoughtful, but yet this person didn't even think about you in these seven different scenarios.

What makes them so thoughtful, right? And it's really just about being fucking honest. You want to let go with stuff. You've got to be real with yourself. And I think this is the perfect time to clear the slate, to really focus on what's the life I want to live? How do I want to feel? Who do I want to be? Right.

Like I've been doing, so maybe Bouchard's coming on the show soon, and I've been doing her activations. I'm fucking obsessed. You guys get two free weeks. It's coming out in a couple of weeks. And the one part that I get stuck on every day that I cry is I'll be walking the dog and there's like a bridge by my house and it just so happens that I go over it. And it's always walk towards the future you that you want to be. And I cry every time because I see her and I see this beautiful, confident, amazing woman. And for me, the reason it feels scary to be there is because I look and go, how am I going to do that? How am I going to achieve that? But here's the thing. The how doesn't matter, right? What matters is that I put one foot in front of the other and that is my goal. I am working towards that. I don't need to know how. I don't know if I've told a lot of you guys about my mom. My mom's in 2017, she went to the doctor with a headache and they found six brain aneurysms and two corroded arteries of the neck. And that was the beginning of my rock bottom. My mom is my best friend. I would literally set myself on fire for that woman. I would walk on coals to make sure that she would be okay. And that was that was the end of men. What do you mean? I'm going to lose. my best friend. What do you mean I'm going to lose my everything? Like this, I physically couldn't handle it. And I remember when the doctor told her, you have a three to five percent chance of living. He was like, even that. Like he's like, it's not looking good, Helen. And my mom just kept going

going, I don't care. It's not going to happen for me. And she went in three failed surgeries. And they kept telling her, we don't know what she had 12 specialists across the country telling her, we don't know what we're going to do. And she refused to believe that. And all we kept saying was the how doesn't matter. You're going to be okay. And she went in for her final surgery. And she said that the doctor was doing the, she was a little wake and she said she, you know, my mom is spiritual. She's like, I saw God and I had this moment. And he told me it wasn't my time and I told him I wasn't ready. And they created a coil that worked on her. And my mom is still here. You guys had, she had an episode last year. My mom is still around. Maybe she forgets a word. That's the extent. She had a three to five percent chance of survival.

And not only did she survive. She didn't get blind. She didn't have paralysis. She didn't have death. She didn't have neck down paralysis. Nothing. And the reason I'm saying that is, you got to fucking believe. You have got to learn to surrender and believe that what is for you will not pass you and I fucking promise that to you. And babies, I get it. I know how hard it can feel. I know how this can feel like there's no light at the end of the tunnel. You feel exhausted. You feel tired. But I promise you let go of what's let go of you and make space for what's ready to come because I would never have been with Ryan and had this beautiful career if I wasn't ready to let go. When I started software, I remember having panic attacks when people would say, you know,

if this career doesn't work, you could try something new. Literally I would have a panic attack. I'd be like, no, no, I need this career to work. Because to me, if I failed, quote, unquote, at that, that was it. I was a failure. Now I'm trying to sell the company because I'm just so busy with my new career and my new passions. I don't have time to run a clothing line. It's so much work. Swearsoftware.com, as the Sabrina Zohar Show for a discount.

SDS. But nonetheless, same. Shabos plug. I don't really care. That's my clothing line. But my point being is like, it's okay to let go of things and make space for what's to come. And that's why I think it's so important for us to really start to look at like, what are you really holding on to, right? And so there's a neuroscience habit of the habit loop. So Charles

Duhigg, I think I saw his name right. The brain loves familiarity even when it's harmful. So familiar patterns trigger dopamine, which reinforces the behavior. So whether it's holding onto a toxic relationship or obsessing over a past mistake. So when we let go, it disrupts the brain's reward cycle, right? And so that's why it feels so uncomfortable at first. You're like, no, no, no, but where's my dopamine, where are my neurotransmitters? What do you mean I have to let go? And then we have the amygdala hijack, right? So Dr. Daniel Goldman said, when we think about letting go, the brain's fear center, so the amygdala kicks in perceiving it as a threat to stability. And the reason I bring this stuff up is because I want to showcase, y'all are not crazy. Like Britt Frank says,

there's no such thing as crazy. There's nothing wrong with you. This is a neurochemical situation going on in your brain. It's letting go is scary because, of course, you're depleting what's going on. you're losing of what could possibly become. But what we have to look at here is like, how can we grieve what it is that we're letting go? Right? I grieve every day. I grieve the newness of the life that I'm creating now. I grieve stepping into my power. And you might think, why are you grieving that? Because there is a grief process that comes into play. I have to grieve the person that I was. I have to grieve the childhood that I did not get. The parents that I didn't have, the siblings that didn't show up for me in the ways, the friendships that I never had, the relationships I never had.

I get to grieve that. And the reason being is because I want my amygdala to understand that it doesn't need to keep operating in that fear, right? That's what I was talking about when I said every morning, I wake up in fear because my amygdala only knows Sabrina's woken up every day as a kid not knowing what was coming. And so it thinks it's protecting me. Okay, just do this. She'll be safe. But wait a minute, that's not actually reality anymore. And I can do things like a natural dopamine, go for a walk, smile and laugh with a friend, right? Little things, do some yoga, do some movement, right? Some techniques, the 5, 4, 3, 2,1 sensory experience is huge because what it does is it calms the amygdala. And I get it. What you guys might be saying is, like, Superdin, I want tips and I want tools.

And it's like, the reality is I give that to you guys every episode. It's just a matter of what are you doing with it, right? Masha and I, so we have the nervous system course. And someone wrote in and said, well, I want more and I want more. And what Masha and I decided when we read this person's email was, we're like, no, that's intellectualizing. We're giving you the information. We're saying, okay, do this. But then your brain is like, no, no, that doesn't work. I don't want that. And it's like, okay, but you got to at least try that, right? So like Masha said, it takes 3,000 repetitions to create a new neural pathway. Have you tried this 3,000 times? Consistently? Every single day? Probably not. And that's okay because you're a human. It's easier to go back into, let me just do what I know. But it's about repetition, right? So every day,

do the 5, 4, 3, 3, 2,000, 5 things I can see, 4 things I can touch, 3 things I can smell, or 2 things I can feet, whatever it is. You know, we have all over two things I can hear, one thing I can smell, two things I can taste, whatever. Figure out which senses that you could do that with. Because it's all about like, again, that's why Masha and I created the nervous system course. It's all about being a regulated individual so that you come from a place of empowerment. All regulating means is that you have decision-making capabilities. Your prefrontal cortex is fired on and you're not coming from the amygdala anymore. It's a really beautiful place to be. So then we look at emotional attachment, right?

So the brain's hippocampus strengthens memories tied to emotional events, making it harder to let go of past pain or relationships. So ruminating, right? Ruminating traps the brain in a cycle of reliving the past, reinforcing neural pathways tied to the pain. A lot of you guys have written in about, I'm ruminating, I'm spiraling because you're not processing. When we ruminate and respiral, we go over and over and over on the core beliefs, right? What are we ruminating and spiraling on? there's something wrong with me. I'm not good enough. Why didn't they choose me? Why couldn't I have changed them? What is it about this next person and not me? Right? Like that's typically,

right? You insert your spiral. We are all humans and have them. But at the end of the day, that's just a core belief. And when we ruminate and we spiral and we stick on that, we're not challenging our thoughts. We're not regulating our nervous system. Your brain is just constantly going into, they're not safe, they're not safe. And again, there's this not about shame or blame, but can we take accountability and ownership of the actions that we exhibit? Taking a hundred percent ownership of your life will change your fucking life. Because then what you're doing is you're no longer blaming other people for why things are happening, right? Like somebody had written in even today, like, I dealt with an avoidant for a year. They ruined me and all this. And I'm like, but, but there's no

accountability of ourselves. This is, again, I'm not blaming anyone or shaming anyone, but what I am saying is, if you're coming to me saying, this avoidant wasted my time for a year, what's your fucking part? Where were your boundaries? What was your conversation? What were your needs and desires that weren't being met. Did you articulate that to them? Did you walk away from somebody that couldn't meet that? Right? It's easy to say it's everyone else because, again, as a kid, oh, I didn't do it. No, no, I didn't do it. Right? We're scared of the repercussions, but now as an adult, take that power back, hold in that space that, yeah, okay, I did do that. You're right. Because you know why? When we say, you're right, I did do that. I have control of my actions. It's not that they did all of these things to me and I was powerless.

right? Like my narcissistic piece of shit, X, he's the only person I'll speak negatively to about because he was incredibly, like, emotionally abusive. But I played a part in that. I will take full ownership. I allowed it. I was dating my father. I thought I could change him. Like, I see I'm not blaming myself. I'm not shaming myself. I love that girl. I see her all the time in my visions and my meditations and I hug her. She didn't know any better. But like now, like my Angelou said, when you know better, then do better. Right. Now I know better. So now I will do. better. That's the power I have. I can only control myself. I can't control other people. So that's the beauty of letting go, right? So emotional memories are encoded with sensory details. So addressing

specific sensory triggers can disrupt the painful loops. Is it a song? Is it something visual, right? When I see this, it reminds me of this person. Please don't hate, blame, shame, none of that. Just come with compassion. If there was a part of me that really wants to believe that if I got this person, then I would change. Right? If they loved me, then I'd be valid. Whatever it is, I meet you with a lot of grace. You're human. So then we have something called the comfort zone trap. So even toxic patterns can feel safe because they're what? Familiar. So the brain's preference for predictability often overrides the desire for change, right? So we look at self-sabotage, right? Self-protection. So it's a subconscious attempt to avoid the discomfort of growth. That's why we will do this. It keeps us

in the loops, right? How many times we've heard it of like, I don't understand, I dated this person and blah, blah, and then they didn't want me. And it's like, no, no, no, no, no. You dated somebody emotionally unavailable who reaffirmed your triggers, who consistently let you know that you're too much, you're too needy because they couldn't handle it. And what does that do? Then that reaffirms it. Well, but I need them now and I want closer and I need them. Then we exhibit behaviors that will reaffirm that because growing and saying, this doesn't work for me. No, thank you. I'm not interested in this person is uncomfortable. Choosing yourself can feel so scary. But the only way you'll know is if you do it, right? Because you do it and you're like, oh, I'm alive. I didn't die. Oh,

I'm okay. I'm okay. I can do this, right? That's how we build confidence. When I first recorded my podcast, when I went on my friend, do you think I knew what the fuck I was doing? I had no fucking clue. I had no idea. And every day I learn because I find it interesting. I find it really cool to learn and to grow. I don't want to be in my comfort zone because that's going to kill me. Right? It's the same as like, I'd rather stay single. It's like, oh, so you'd rather not grow. you're not triggered, you don't know what it feels like to have somebody else, or when you are triggered, you have no tools. That doesn't mean that it's, I'd rather stay single. What I hear from that is I'd rather not evolve and grow as a person. That's fine. You choose your own adventure. But for me, I want to expand my window of tolerance. I want to experience these things. I don't look at as like, everything is, oh my God, that's it, into the world. I look at it as, okay, what's next? Because if I can handle this, I can handle more. Elephant skin, as my mama has always said. So, I want you guys to identify. One thing that you're, you're holding on to. One thing. Even me, right? I was holding on to I'm only okay if I have the name of

my podcast. Again, I am not dating. So that's the only thing I have right now that can relate to what you guys are going through. I'm not having issues with my partner. I'm very confident and secure in my relationship. I've worked really fucking hard to do that. But even when I was dating, right? Okay, so something that was really hard for me to let go of was the conventionally handsome guy that I dated, like, it was hard for me to let go of the fact that he was emotionally unavailable, right? Like, why couldn't you have just chosen me? Why couldn't you? you have liked me. Then I want you to ask, what purpose does this serve? For me, that purpose served me staying hung up on him, me saying that I'm there's something wrong with me. I'm not good

enough. And that's why I needed him to validate me. Right. What's the cost of keeping it? I wasn't opening up to anybody else. I wasn't having connections with anybody else. I was attacking myself. I was hurting myself mentally, not physically. I was putting myself down. I was belittling myself. I was self-abandoning. Right. And then what could you gain by letting go? I gained my freedom, right? I gained the autonomy to choose a different partner and then I met my partner a few months later. And so it's okay. I think we are so used to this like, hold on for dear life. And it's like, it's actually a beautiful superpower to say this is no longer serving me. I'm going to walk away, right? Even for me, I'm choosing to take less one-on-one clients next year. I can't.

As much as I love it, I love working one-on-one. I don't have the bandwidth. I have to let something go to make space for something new is scary right i'm so used to that i'm used to specific income every month and working with my specific people it's not that i'm not going to be working with anybody but i'm going to be more selective it's not just anybody that can book it's like these are people you know we're going to be working with people that like have the bandwidth and really want to invest in doing the work with me and that's okay again so why the cost of letting that go was high but then what was i gaining from it freedom autonomy i can now create more content for you guys i'm going to be doing again in the trenches don't forget to send us your stories your screenshots you don't want to

pay for a question? Great. Send it to In the Trenches at Sabrinazohar.com. We're going to be answering all, it's all an AMA, where you ask me whatever you guys need and I give you honest feedback. So for me, to be able to do that, now I get to release the four or five hours a day of working with clients to focus on that. So yes, there is a cost ensued, but what I gain is so much more worth it because I can help more people and I can do things that really resonate with who I am. See how there's, it's not a bad thing to let go of things. But now we have to look at this as like, How can we reclaim our power, right? If I'm letting go, how can I see that as a sign of strength and not weakness? So, John Sweller has the cognitive load theory. And as you guys can see, I'm really, really, really, really

focusing on giving you different studies, different tools, different techniques. We are going to evolve the conversations. 2025. We're not still sticking on like, what is you avoid and do this? Like, we have got to expand. I want us all to grow. I don't want to be a one-trick pony where we just talk about the same thing. I want you guys to get something every week when you come back. Share it with your friends. have this experience of growth because I'm with you. I'm on this journey with you. So the cognitive load theory is holding onto unresolved emotions or mental baggage consumes cognitive resources. So reducing your ability to focus on the present and create a better future. Because we have to remember, your brain has limited bandwidth. My sister has always said, think of it like a battery.

If you have 100% in the day, if you're giving 60% of that to a guy or a girl that didn't call you back or to somebody, you are taking so much mental load away from other things that you can focus on. How can you put that back into yourself? Your friendships, your career. What can you work on? That's you. When I stopped focusing so heavily on dating, my career started to explode. Because I wasn't so focused on if I'm going to be chosen by someone else.

I chose myself. And I used my cognitive load for things that I had control over and things that were more fun for me. So what are you spending it on and what's it costing you? Right. If you have that, like, I'm sorry, this isn't Hanukkah. You know, you don't get what it's not, or it's not one light. Like, your battery on 1% isn't going to just last for eight days. You're going to burn out.

You're going to burn out. You're going to have moments where you're like, whiff, this is really tough. Like, I'm feeling exhausted. What can you let go of? Right? Even if it's just for a second of, I'm going to let go with this negative thought about myself. I ask myself all the time when I start thinking of like, no one likes you, Sabrina, you're this. And I'm like, do I believe that?

No. The little girl inside me, she genuinely does it. Little Sabrina has always believed in me. She's always known that I can do this. but other people told her otherwise. So whose voice is that? And how can we tell them it's no longer working for us? Amazon presents Jeff versus Taco Truck Salsa,

whether it's Verde, Roja, or the orange one. For Jeff, trying any salsa is like playing Russian roulette with a flamethrower. Luckily, Jeff saved with Amazon and stocked up on antacids, ginger tea, and milk. Habaniero, more like Habinier, yes. Save the everyday with Amazon. So, Dr. Norman Deutsch, the brain that changes itself, letting go create space for new neural pathways to form enabling personal growth. So I want you to visualize rewiring your brain, right? Imagine creating literally a mental delete button. Like, I see it of, I'm not good enough. I literally envision like that goes delete in the garbage, right? I'm doing EMDR.

eye movement desensitization and reprocessing, I think is what it was called. Somebody was upset that I didn't give the acronym. I just didn't know it at the time, to be honest. And that's part of EMDR is like putting it in a container. I don't need to worry about this right now. And I'll do that for myself. Something might happen. And I'm like, okay, Sabrina, how much control do you have over this right now?

Well, you don't have any, right? I can't control that this person didn't call me. I can control that this person didn't email me. Okay, how can I, what can I do for myself? I can go for a walk. I can regulate. And then I can come back and I can make sour dough, which is my new thing. You know, because I'm doing the mold detail.

talks, which is pretty gnarly. Great. I love it. If you guys want me to do more, like, I can talk more about that. You just leave it in the comments, right? Please utilize that on Spotify. You can leave a comment on YouTube? Let us know, like, hey, can you expand on this? Or I really loved this. Or like, hey, you know, this is confusing to me. Can you explain? I'm here to support you guys. Right? Again, speak with kindness and it'll be reciprocated. Anybody that's rude, it's just, that's not the community we want to build. But I literally have a thing where I'm like, put that in the basket. You don't, you can't worry about this right now. And then what can I replace that with that no matter what I will be okay and then I will figure this out for us.

That is my reempowering thought of I will handle this. I even may or may not have told you guys. I had a brand and they used my photo without asking for credit and they didn't tag me. And I remember little me started coming on. She's like, see, nobody likes you. You're always the JV. No one takes you seriously. They tagged every other girl and I started taking it personally. And I stopped and I said, okay, I don't have any facts to back up that they did this personally against me. And so I told little sap, I got this, babe. I'm going to handle it. I can't control this right now. I emailed the brand. We went back and forth. And they apologized. They're like, we're so sorry. We had tagged you, but it didn't seem to save because you're only allowed 10 tags.

And then they tagged me and everything was good. And I was like, thanks guys, appreciate it. On to the next, right? Because what I told myself, the little me was, baby, I got you. The adult is going to handle this. You don't need to freak out. She could have gone on of like, no one likes you. And oh, my God, what an asshole, right? We start to create these negative thoughts of people. And it's like, I don't have any facts to back this up. I don't need to villainize other people to make myself good. I can just look and say, I will handle this. you got this, but let's actually believe that you got this. So now let's go into practical tips to reclaim your energy.

So the first one is boundaries. Say no. It's okay to say, I don't want to think about this today. This person doesn't deserve that mental bandwidth anymore. I'm gone, I'm done. I don't want to focus on that anymore. It's pointless. I'm harping on somebody from a year ago.

Move on. It's okay. You know, say no to what drains you. No, I don't feel like going to dinner tonight. I'm so sorry. I need to stay home. I just need to be by myself. I do that.

Like on holidays, I'll be like, you know, I don't want to go anywhere. I just need to be me. Replace rumination behavior, ruminative behaviors with intentional action. So instead of scrolling on your phone and looking at old messages and looking at their social media journal,

can you go, like, pick up, go to pottery. I don't get fuck, go for a walk. Go and join, like, go to Eventbrite and choose a free thing. This doesn't mean you have to spend money. If you have money to spend cool, go do something. If not, that's okay,

but do things that actually serve you. The doom scrolling, like all you're doing is your on your loop and we want to break the loops. I know it feels hard. I totally get it. I'm a human. I was there with you guys. I was the girl that would sit on the couch crying, looking at text messages and harping and saying, what did I do wrong and attacking myself? And it's like, it doesn't help. I can tell you it doesn't help, right? Visualize what would life feel like to be free without this emotional baggage? How would you operate? Right? It's like that video that I made

of saying, if you knew you were going to meet your person in eight months, how would you start to operate? And everyone was like, oh, I'd be a lot less anxious. It's like, then start to do that. start to move with that energy of like, okay, I know it's coming for me. I trust that. It's like my mom. We didn't know how it was going to happen. We just said, you're going to be fine. I don't need to figure out the how. That's God, the universe, whatever you believe in. That's my higher power to decide. For me, I know that I can only control this, right? And then something that I really love is using bilateral stimulation. So tapping, right? So tapping on alternating shoulders. That's an EMDR technique to music that alternates between your ears to help process emotions going for a walk, right? That's. bilateral movement, the stimulation of one foot on the other, just try new things, right? Anytime I'm in doing, again, EMDR, eye movement, desensitization, and reprocessing, that's part of it, is when something feels either good, we tap it in. And she'll say, okay, tap it in, and I go side to side, and I remember like, this feels really good. It's bilateral stimulation.

That's your body, right? And so now let's go into detachment. Now that we understand about empowerment, let's talk about how do you detach. So detachment is not about not caring, right? Detachment is not about not caring. Let me say that again. It's about caring without being consumed, right? It's the ability to observe situations, emotions or people, without letting them control you. So I can see that and say, okay, right, that might be hurtful, but that doesn't mean I need to attach to the narrative or to the outcome. And I get it. It's not like, oh, this is so easy. Just do it. But this is the steps, right? This is the process. Because detachment allows you to hold space for yourself while releasing what you can't control, right? Like the brand. I, I, I, I mean, anything, guys. Like, I get rejected every day from TV opportunities, from podcasts, and it's like, okay, right? Even today, like a book editor said, oh, you know, this isn't alignment. And I was like, no worries, your loss. All right, I don't take this internalize. I'm like, what was there something

wrong with me? Did I not do it right? I'm like, hey, that's okay. We're not for each other. Then if you don't see me as the value that I bring, then we are not a match. I don't think there's anything wrong with these people. I don't have any negativity whatsoever. I acknowledge that not everything. I'm not going to be for everyone and that's okay. See, I can detach from the outcome because I can only control myself. I can hold space that I was bombed and I was sad when I got the no because I'm a human, but I didn't need to attach it. I was like, okay, thank you guys so much.

A pleasure. Hopefully I'll speak to you guys in the future and maybe things will change. Remember JK Rolling? All right? So one thing that I really want us to talk about is the psychology of detachment. So again, Marsha Linnehan. Linnehan, I'm fuck up on names, is radical acceptance. So we were talking about accepting reality as it is without judgment allows you

to stop fighting against what you can't change. Radical acceptance. Here was my part in it. I have to radically accept that this is this person. Right. So I want you guys to try something called the observer role. It's a mindfulness practice. So detaching means stepping back and viewing your thoughts and emotions as a third party observer. So if I'm attaching to this, I would step back and go, Sabrina feels really shitty about herself because this guy didn't text her. Oh, well, Sabrina, why do you feel shitty about yourself? Well, that's how dad was. Oh, okay. Well, Sabrina, that doesn't mean that that's how you are, right? We talk of like, as you would, a friend. So observe it. Make it like a third, right? Go kind of zoom out. And just remind yourself, like, when you feel

overwhelmed, like, hey, this is just a thought. It's not a fact. Right? When I get down on myself, I'm like, hey, even I'm a woman. I get my period. Oh, God, that week is mad madness for my brain. And I just remind myself, Sabrina, you're not seeing things clearly. Your hormones are ablaze. This is not factual. I might be sad. I'm allowed to cry. But that doesn't mean I have to act on that or belittle myself or berate myself for it. So I want you guys to, you guys to identify one area you feel overly invested and ask yourself, what am I trying to control here? And how would it feel to let it be? So, right? We're thinking about somebody that you're caught up on. So if I looked at what am I trying to control here, I really want them to choose me. How would it feel to let it be?

Probably a lot easier because I can't control them. Right? And X breaks up. Like that's why Britt Frank and I created the breakup course to give you guys the tools to help you move through a breakup. A lot of people, they don't want the tools. They just want to stay stuck. I want them back. And it's like, that's not what this is about. The first thing Britt says on the course is, this is going to fucking hurt. Please be prepped for that. Because what we talked about, the neurotransmitters, your brain is going through a lot. Please know that detaching and letting go of things and people, it will get easier the more you do it, but it's going to hurt at first and that's okay. And guys, you guys need any resources. Join the courses. That's why they're there to give you

step-by-step tools, journal prompts, videos, what you need to actually be like, oh, okay, this is what I need to do next. And if you don't need that, that's a fine. We've got tons of podcasts. You've got free guides. Like there's different options. Go talk to a therapist. Go work with someone. Whatever you guys need to do. But do something. Invest in yourself. Again, like I've been saying, the reason I paid so much for this mold detox is because I want to take myself seriously. By paying fucking $5,000 to do all this for an entire year, what I'm telling myself is I bet on myself. I'm important. I need to spend this money. I went through years of having health issues and spending so much more money than I should right now. Just focus on that.

Even if it's just going with therapy, right? Joining an app. I don't care. You don't have to spend a lot of money, but do something for you to invest so that you can show that you're worth it. Let's talk about letting go versus giving up. I think we have to reframe some stuff. So the psychology of loss ofversion by Daniel Kahneman, humans are wired to avoid loss, even if holding on is more damaging than releasing. Because remember, letting go isn't losing, it's choosing freedom over fear. I'll say that again. Letting go isn't losing. It's choosing freedom over fear. What do you feel, do you feel like your failure if you let go? See, notice, More often than not, what ends up happening is we'll say, I'm scared of letting go, okay, what am I scared of letting go? Well, I'll never meet anyone again. It's like, oh, okay, so this is nothing to do with that person. Right? Because usually we only hold on to people that don't make us feel safe. And the reason we hold on to people that don't make us feel safe is because it reaffirms our core beliefs. It's so much more enticing. They're so much more interesting because we don't feel safe with them. And we've idealized and projected onto them. Instead of just accepting and going, this person doesn't have the bandwidth. I make this situation fun, not them. I'm the one who brought this fun and sexiness to the date. They just showed up. And it's okay to say, I liked them. I don't know anything about them, right?

Them not choosing me means this. What's the story I tell myself? Get curious. Start to understand yourself because emotional resilience. So Dr. Suzanne David says, letting go builds emotional agility, the ability to navigate lives up and downs with strength. Right?

You're not giving up. You're creating space for what truly aligns with you. It's what I mean by like, we have to reframe. And so here, write a goodbye letter. Write a goodbye letter of what you're letting go of, right? Thank it for what it taught you and like burn it. I don't care if you want to burn it. You want to tear it.

You want to bury it. Do what you need to do. But do something and like create a physical ritual to let go. So like you want to do this. Tie a knot and then untying it represents releasing. Burn or shred old letters, right? Delete what you need to do. Photos, mementos in a safe and intentional way.

Again, guys, this is about giving you the strength and the power that detaching, right is means I am no longer a prisoner of my past. Detaching means I choose growth, peace, and future full of possibility, not attacking myself for what I didn't get. That's why New Year's Eve is powerful. We get to take this night of, I'm going to shut it. I don't want to bring this into next year. I want to be a different version of myself. Now I might still fall back because I'm a human, right? So let's go to some instaquension. Let's do some speed dating for the last couple of minutes, the fastest way to detach. Okay. So my first issue with this is people, are looking for fast, right? You want the, I want to do it quick. No, that's what I mean. You got to

learn to sit in some discomfort. You want to detach. Focus on the present moment. Focus on facts, not fantasies. Focus on who this person is, right? Journal on why was this connection not serving you, right? Self-soothing. And that's why Masha and I created the nervous system course. What are your techniques? What are your go-to? Deep breathing, a walk, doing some kind of like reprogramming your nervous system, doing things for yourself, that's how you'll detach. We're only attached to them because they represent something. Make them a real person, right? What makes them so special? Nothing. They reminded me of my dad. That's the issue. Or them not choosing me made me feel like this about myself. Because then again, like I said, you start going into like, no, they're so amazing and

they're so this. Again, challenge that. What made them so amazing? The fact that they didn't call you, the fact that they weren't intentional, the fact that they weren't showing up, because even if they did, even if everything was amazing and then they shift. It's like, well, then focus on that, the shift. That who you thought they were wasn't who they actually are. This is who they are. Accept them for honesty and say, they're limited. That's how I let go of any guy that I was into.

I'd be like, they're limited. This is not what I want. I'm allowed to take up space like that. I'm allowed to be sad, but I can also acknowledge that these people are just limited. They don't have the bandwidth. They don't show up for me in the ways that I need and that's okay. And I also was limited. I didn't have the bandwidth at the time and that's okay too.

How do I deal with the pain of letting go, especially if it's something new. Acknowledge that pain is normal. I think we got to get away from this of like, I don't want to feel any bad emotions or feelings. I don't want pain. It's like, but without the bad, then we don't understand.

We don't appreciate the good. If I didn't know how shitty dating was, I wouldn't appreciate my partner. I would take him for granted. So acknowledge that like letting go is going to hurt, and that's okay. Can we reframe this, right? What are the truths that make this situation or person not a good fit?

Can we start to look at that, right? Challenge the pedestal that there are. on. Paid fades faster when you focus on what wasn't right versus when you focus on idealizing the person, then you can actually start to heal. This is what I mean when I keep saying, make them a real person, stop idealizing them and putting them in there so many. They're so this. They're so this. I want you to really challenge it. Oh, wow, this is really is not about them. It's about my core beliefs and then I don't feel like I'm good enough. It's okay. Again, you're a human. So how do I stop fantasizing about what they could be and let them go? Fantasies are unmet needs.

So I want you to look at what are you craving? Validation, safety, love, companionship, and work on giving that to yourself instead of projecting it onto the other person. So I want you to reframe what ifs with they were never capable of being who I needed them to be. What if? My mama would always say if instead of what if it what is and you wouldn't be having these issues. She would say, well, Sabrina, if they were that person, then you wouldn't be having this conversation with me right now and she was right. So we have to really focus on like what what is it? that I'm hoping that they're going to achieve that they are just physically not able to. Then when the fantasy comes up, I want you to remind yourself of the actual behavior that they showed.

Right? Like, I had one client and he was fantasizing this whole thing and I finally stopped him and I said, yo, come back to fucking earth. You guys, he would go to this guy's house and like, you would hook up. This person wouldn't take you out in public. They barely spoke to you with respect. Like, you're fantasizing because you were there and they chose you. But no, what it actually was with this person, it's just a booty call.

And that's okay. Like, I realize it like, oh yeah, when I spoke up about something, they shut me down. That's not how I want to feel with somebody. But again, if we don't take up space and say, I'm allowed to feel these things, there's a little version of me that needs the validation from myself to say, yeah, that was really hurtful. I didn't appreciate that. I don't like being treated like that. It's the first step, right? Let's tell you do one last one. How to let go when you still give chance, when you still give chances for repair. So here's the thing, acknowledge that repair takes mutual effort and two people. So if they're not showing up consistently,

I need you to remind yourself that hoping for potential isn't fair to the present version of yourself. So I want you to ask, if I were my most healed, would I keep giving them access? If I were somebody that was super confident and secure, would I keep giving them access? And usually the answer is no. And then I'll do the answer this. What are the signs you've appropriately detached and let go? The emotional neutrality. You don't have these crazy spikes when you think of them. Like when I think about some of the guys in the past, I'm like, okay, right? I don't, my heart doesn't start to race. I'm not ruminating and going on. I'm like, okay, well, they were really sweet and they were nice, but like it wasn't a match. You have a bit of neutrality. There's no urge.

You're not checking their social media. You're not feeling excitement about the future. You're not hoping. And then resentment when it doesn't happen. Detachment looks like reclaiming your energy and redirecting it to things that truly fulfill you. That's what detachment means. Because we're not attaching to any outcome or to any specific person. And so, guys, can we make this pack with each other? It's time to let that shit go. It's time to see people and things for what they are. And it's the same, guys, the reason I am letting go of the name change for this and saying this is what I'm done is because it's not serving me. It's not helping me. It's not a, it's, it's keeping me in victim mode of like, see, look, everyone's so mean to me. Look at this external thing that

really fucked me over. You're right. It hurts and I'm going to, I can take as much time as I want to process through it. But I think it's time to let go the narrative associated with it that I needed that name in order to be successful. I needed that name in order to be respected. And it's the same with dating. I need that person in order to feel validated. I need that person in order to be this in order to be that fill in the blank. You don't need any of that stuff. You need you. You need your own validation, your own love, your own protection, your own safety. Everyone else is in a addition to, baby, because at the end of the day, you only have yourself. So guys, this is it. We did it for another year. We'll have our New Year episode of how to bring in, right? We'll kind of

figure that out next week. But I want to just thank you all so much for being here with me. For everyone that's left us, okay, that's okay. I hope you guys have greener pastures. And to everyone that's new, welcome to the family. Because we're here to build a community of people that are invested in their healing and growth, and we're all on this together. You don't go to a support group and tell people, and I got, get over it, move on. Like, you wouldn't be welcomed back because that's not a, that's not a safe space. I would never, ever, ever tell any of you guys, get over it, move on. But I will say it's time to let it go. It's time to let go of what it means about you. It doesn't need to be anything negative or positive.

It could be neutral in saying this just didn't work out. And it's time for me to find the love that I deserve. But I need you to actually believe that you deserve it. I love you guys. Thank you for everything. Please, please rate and review the show. Let me know what you think. Let me know if this helped.

And again, as always, if you don't jive, okay, you could DM me and let me know what you think. But if you're going to put it on a public forum, please just be respectful of everybody that's involved and inclusive because we're building a community. Again, you can leave a one-star review. That's fine. Just again, if it's a one-star review, just let me know the actuality of of what you didn't like so that we can improve if that is an area of improvement. And if you leave a five-star review, thank you. We love to have it. I will never dictate and judge and tell you guys what to

do, but I will just ask for that kindness in this community because I really want to cultivate love. And I want to cultivate a community where we support each other no matter what. And I'm here for you guys. So thank you for letting me show up as me and you guys can show up as you. All right, babies. Until next time in 2025.