The Sabrina Zohar Show - 12: Communication in dating, relationships and how to have the 'what are we' talk.

Episode Date: April 7, 2023

On this weeks episode of The Sabrina Zohar Show, Sabrina dives into Communication in dating, how to communicate effectively in dating and relationships and how to have the 'what are we' conversation! Want to work with Sabrina? HERE! Stuck After the Podcast? Master Implementation in 8 Weeks with Sabrina's Foundation Course Join the Make It Make Sense: Getting Through a Breakup course HERE! Get Ad-free episodes and 2 Bonus episodes a month HERE! Dont forget to follow Sabrina and The Sabrina Zohar Show on instagram and Sabrina on Tik tok! Video now available on YOUTUBE!  Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formally known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A.Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Flip. Or that. And enjoy. Via rail, love the way. Hello, hello, hello. And welcome to another week of Do the Work podcast. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am going to be your host for today. I am so excited.

Episode 12, guys. You guys got the bonus episode. If you guys didn't even realize, originally I was from. trying to do a subscriber thing. It didn't fucking work. So I released the episodes to disregard that whole little intro. I released it yes, on Wednesday so that you guys have an extra episode. And it's one very, very near and dear to my heart of how my dog's passing affected my dating life and completely changed me as a person. So if you want to catch up on that, you've got a bonus episode 11. But for today, we're going to talk about all things communication, how to communicate your triggers

to your partner, how to communicate where it is that you stand, the what are we conversation, and how to communicate effectively in a relationship so that you can really honestly get closer and build intimacy. So I am so so excited to have you guys and let's get right on into it. All right. Another week together, friends. I think this is going to be a really great episode because I think a lot of the questions that I get asked is around communication and how do you effectively communicate your needs? How do you share with somebody how you're feeling, the triggers? How do you have the what are we conversation? What's dating and texting etiquette and all that? So I want to go over all of that stuff now and try to debunk and give you guys a little bit more on how I think about all of these things.

So the first thing about communication. And I think the number one thing is like people don't know how to effectively communicate with their partner or honestly even sometimes with people just in their surrounding. And I learn about this all the time. And it's funny because every time I talk to my therapist and I'll share with her like what's going on with me in tech guy and any of this like our conversations. And she'll always laugh and say, have the most beautiful communication, I wish that you would come and teach my clients because even they won't listen to me. And I always chuckle. And it's something that I've worked really, really fucking hard on and I have done a lot of work on myself to make sure that I can communicate

effectively with somebody to ensure that my point is getting across in the way that I wanted to get across. Now, here's the thing as well with communication. You can't control the other person's response and you can't control how it's going to be received by the other person. But with all that being said, there are still really great ways that you can communicate. So these are kind of my pillars of like a healthy communication and more of a secure space to come from. And I will then kind of share with you how you can go into specifics after. But it starts with ensuring that your partner has the space for you to communicate with them. So you never want to do the, hey, can we talk? Because that is somebody is already armed. Anytime think about it, even psychologically speaking, anytime somebody comes in with,

Hey, can we talk? Of course you're on the alert and you're kind of like, wait, what's going on? What did I do? What the fuck? So instead, we want to disarm the person that we're with. So you want to make sure that they have the bandwidth. And the way I always do that is, hey, can I share something with you? And whether that be via text, hey, can I share something with you? Can you FaceTime me when you have a chance? Like, these are conversations that should be done in person. You want people to see facial expression, tone. You don't want them to be making up all of that in their head based off some text and hard conversations that really build intimacy in a relationship. are not had via text. So first off, you're going to ask, hey, do you have space for this conversation or do you have, can I share something with you? And they say, yeah, babe, of course, what's going on?

Then you move into start with something validating. So let's say, for instance, this is a conversation around wanting more texting. You've been dating somebody for about a month and a half. They're not the bigger us on the text or whatever. And you are kind of saying, all right, well, we've been long enough. we're starting to get that exclusive stage or maybe you've had that, you know, kind of awareness around it. And you want to express to them like, I need a little bit more texting. So, hey, can I share something with you? Of course. Cool.

Start with something validating. I really love getting to know you. I'm really enjoying this and I'm super excited to see where things go with you. So you're starting to validate. But I wanted to be honest with you because I feel like I self-abandon if I'm not being 100% myself and not sharing with you how things make me feel. And I know that you're not able to. big texter and I can kind of sense that. And I've been really cool with like I'm not really needing

something every day. But I will be honest, it does trigger me a little bit and make me feel like you don't really want to be in this as much as I do when we don't speak at all in between dates. And to feel more connected with you, I would love a little bit more communication in the interim of our dates. So what you're doing is you're taking accountability. It's by saying, hey, this is how it impacted me. It triggered me. And I do that with tech guy. Like I said, you want to do this with somebody like these are conversations to have with somebody when you have that rapport and you can trust them with things and i will share with tech i like hey this really triggered me and like this is what it brought out out of me and so that way i can share with him like where i was i'm not blaming

anybody for anything i'm not accusing anybody of anything it's very different than being like what the fuck why aren't you texting me where have you been why are you not doing this why aren't you doing that i do you even want to be in this you are a you're accusing somebody of something and then of course they're going to be on the defensive. So instead of giving them the ammunition to be like, this is why I fuck this, this is why I'm not doing this. Or like, this person has the fucking communication skills

of a fucking three-year-old. You want to come out as an adult. And by validating, then going into how it affects you and using eye statements, eye statements are the most powerful way that you can communicate with somebody because it shows that you have control over your own emotions and that you have thought about this

and are taking ownership of your part in it. And then you go into, here's what you can do that will make me feel better. So if that is the texting thing, then great, that is the texting thing. And this can be used in every way. So this kind of leads me next into like the reveal. And I get so many questions of like, I've been dating him for how long? You know, how long should I be dating somebody before we talk about the what are we conversation? And how long should we be dating before I bring it up? Or should I even bring it up or is it the guy's job? Do I ask him what he is?

You don't ask any of that shit. Because at the end of the day if you ask somebody so what are we you are allowing them to determine what you guys are and you are giving the power up by saying you tell me what we're doing here and that's not what this is about what this is about is you coming at it from a secure space if you know because also the thing you can waver on what it is that you want dependent upon that person's response so if you ask somebody so what are we and they say we're just casual man we're just hanging out like i'm just seeing where this goes i'm not trying to rush anything you can go oh my god yeah me too totally when that's has, that is nothing that you want. You actually don't want that. You want to be in a relationship

with this person and you self-abandoned your needs yet again to satisfy somebody else. And this is how situationships happen. Either nobody is talking about it. And it's just the, I can't tell you how many times I'll get. Yeah, but if I say something, then he'll run away. And it's like, babe, you don't have that person then. If you expressing how you feel after spending a good amount of time with somebody and that makes them run away, then please pray tell what are you fucking holding on to besides the idea of somebody and the hope that they are going to want this with you. Instead, because we are all grown-ass adults that have shit to do, and I am now dating with intention, not dating to figure out what works for me, instead of asking somebody else,

it's called The Reveal. And what that does is you share with somebody where you are in things. And how tech guy did that was after about like five or six weeks of us dating, we were in the shower one night and he just looked at me and said, I'm going to delete the apps because I don't want to date anyone else. I really like you and I like where things are going. And I just looked at him and I was like, okay. I hadn't, I was honest with him. I was like, cool. I don't know that I'm ready to do that yet. And I was like, but awesome. And like I did. It was like a week later and I just like stopped using them. I hadn't gone on any dates anyways. So it didn't really fucking matter. But it was more about me being unsure and he knows all this of like being unsure that if like we were actually a match.

but nonetheless, like, it was really sexy for somebody to just outright tell me what the fuck they want with me. And then it allowed me to give an answer. And so if you do the reveal to somebody and I'll get, I did that and they told me that they wanted something and three days later they ghosted me. Well, then, babe, it fucking worked. Then this worked out in your favor because what you did is you told somebody it's time to cash the fucking check that you wrote. We're doing all this shit and we're acting like a relationship. So it's now time for you to fucking put money. rubber meets the road. Put your money where your mouth is. And that is where oftentimes people will fucking ghost or start backing up.

And that's okay. That means this worked. Just because you are an adult in the way you communicate and you offer the reveal and you doesn't mean it's going to yield the results that you want. But you are not being honest, communicative, and open for other people. And that's the biggest common misconception. You're not doing this to go, oh, well, if I do this, I'll guarantee, I'll get the guy. None of us are God, not one dating coach, not one relationship specialist, not nobody out there can tell you how the fuck to get somebody because that is free will and they have every right to say, no, thank you.

But what you can do is you can control yourself. You can control your own emotions. You can control what it is that you want and you can control who you allow into your life. So if you want, this is what's so funny. If you want, I had a client once and she kept saying, I really want depth and I really want depth. This is like a year and a half ago. And she kept saying how she wanted somebody deep and she wanted somebody in the relationship and she wanted someone that was going to be open and communicative and all these things. And I said, okay, cool. Tell me about what you're like on the dates. And she said, well, I would never ask that question. And I would never ask that question.

I would never share that about me. And I said, so you want somebody who is all these things that you are refusing to be. I said because you're being emotionally unavailable. And it hit her. And she was like, oh my God. And that is part of emotional unavailability is having these conversations. What makes somebody secure is that they can give. and receive love and that they can handle the conversations.

An anxious person needs to co-regulate. So they need somebody else to validate them where somebody anxious when a car starts to get serious, they pull away. They avoid the conversations. They don't want to talk about that. So somebody emotionally unavailable or super avoidant that might not be ready for relationship is going to dodge all of these conversations. They're not going to talk about commitment and what they want.

But trust me, babe, you want to start dating men and women versus boys and girls. This is a really great fucking different. differentiating factor to be able to determine who you're dating because a fucking man that is ready and has the bandwidth for a relationship like a woman is going to be stoked that somebody is this open, honest and communicative because what do you think? Real sees real. So if you have somebody and they're fucking not and they're playing games or they're being evasive or they're not wanting to have these conversations and you think just by being quiet it's not going to rock the boat, you are self abandoning what you want and you are giving into what the other person wants. And again, this is how situation fucking take place. You want that real relationship. And Mama always says, be careful what you wish for. You say you want all this. Are you ready to step up and meet somebody there? Are you ready to be that version of yourself that you are so desperate to find out there? Well, then that's the first question. She knows. How? Did you blah? No. The devil wears Prada too. He's the movie event 20 years in the making. Honestly, can't with the secrets anymore. So I think we just should tell her.

Will you two please spit it out already? This Friday be the first to experience it only in theaters. In light of the recent scandal, I'm here to restore your credibility. Oh, because we're a team now. That's a nice story. The Devil Wears Prada 2 in Theaters Friday. So it's funny, I've spoken to tech guy about me in our communication. Like when he first asked me when he did the reveal and I said no.

And then he asked me twice to be his girlfriend. And I said no. And his response made total sense. sense. Like he is very much a fucking man and he's really open and communicative. He said, well, I knew it wasn't because you didn't like me. He was like, you gave me very valid reasons. You said, you didn't really know me enough. I wasn't really opening up to you and you had wanted to meet more of my friends and see a different dynamic inside of me. And that all made total sense to me. And he was like, and you embody all the characteristics that I want. So why would I turn away from that? And I was like,

mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. That's what I mean. Real C is real. Somebody isn't going to run away just because they don't hear what they want. That is coming from a really immature and insecure space. So remember, too, you're going to do the reveal. You're going to share how you want to, you're going to share what you want and how you want to feel with somebody and what is that you want with them. You have to be ready for the answer. And also what you have to be ready for, they're going to call you on your bluff. So if you're going to sit here and say, well, boyfriend or fuck off, like, I want to be within a relationship with you. And if this person says, I don't want to put a label on it. And I'm just not sure. Then you just say, you know what?

Unfortunately, that doesn't align with what it is that I want. And I don't want to continue putting energy with somebody that isn't on this in alignment with the future and the goals that I have for us. That's okay. It doesn't have to be a folk off and this person's all, but no, it can be very amicable. And it can just be, hey, thanks for letting me know. And like I said, it's not always going to work out. But you have to start kind of initiating these conversations as you're dating. Intimacy is built in having hard conversations and being able to move through them. That's how you build trust with your partner and intimacy and connection. That doesn't happen because you guys have amazing dates and don't fight. Oh, because Deca and I, we don't argue. We have disagreements all the

time. We have incredibly open communication. Like, I remember, I'll never forget who we were walking and we had never spent more than 24 hours. This was like three and a half months in. And I said something about like, well, I need you to leave by 12 tomorrow. And I was like, wow, 24 hours on the dot. And he was like, no, 27. And I said, he goes, listen, that's long enough. And it hit me. And I was like, oh, fuck, no. I got really triggered. And I was like, okay, I need to like process all this before I speak to him and before I kind of come at him. And I was like, okay. And then I said, I said, you know, that's really hurtful. And he was like, well, why are you acting? And I said, well, why are you grateful for you? For you? What are you living? I was like, well, I should be grateful for you? I was like, I'm, I guess I didn't realize it like that. He's like, wow. I guess I didn't realize it like, I guess I'm. I guess I'm. I guess I'm. I guess I'm a grown-ass woman and I've had three serious relationships. Yeah, we'll spend sometimes three or four days together and then you break off and you come back together. And his response was, okay, I get it. You're right. That's very different than what I've experienced. I don't want to just give you a willy-nilly answer. I want to make sure it's intentional of what I say. So do you mind if I

have like a day so that I can come up with something that actually makes sense for us? And I was like, yeah, sure enough, the next day I expressed myself and the next day he facetime me and he said, let's book a trip together. I think it's time for us to go away and spend some unencumbered time. and we had the best fucking trip, and now we're going on our second trip. And it's like because, and it's the same thing with every time I'll express like, hey, I want to see you or hey, I want to spend the night. It's like, we have really open communication. He'll say, listen, I've got to be up at seven tomorrow or I've got to be like at my desk by seven.

So if you want to sleep over, I'm going to need you to leave by six. That's the boundary setting. And it's me, okay, cool. I'm like, you know what? No worries. I don't want to sleep over. And I'll say, what about Saturday? He'll go, okay, cool.

Then we can sleep in. Compromise. We talk about it. And what I do is I also share with him my triggers. So if he does something, I'll say, I know that this is not intentional and I know that you're not doing this to hurt me, but I got to be honest, this was really triggering for me. It made me feel like my dad was leaving me again and it made me feel abandoned. And I know that that's my shit to work on, but it would be me doing a disservice if I didn't

share with you where I'm at. And he loves it when I do that. He's always like, man, thank you so much for being honest. And he told me the other day, thank you for giving me the healthiest relationship I've ever been in. And it's like, because that's part of it. And now we love each other because we're able to work through stuff. Like anytime shit happens, I was looking, I'm like, man, we're a really good fucking team. Because that's also the thing.

Communication in your relationship is about being a team. No one is right or wrong. You are trying to come together to find a balance that works for both of you. And that's why it's so important to be able to disarm when you start to talk to somebody and not be a fucking bull in a china shop trying to be like, well, I'm right and you're wrong. Have some compassion. Listen to somebody else. Ask them what's going on.

Get curious about why did they. act this way because a lot of people may not even realize or a lot of people aren't used to adult communication. And I'm so tired of like, no, the guy should know and the girl shouldn't have to. And if you have to even ask a guy for something, it's like you guys want, you want to avoid confrontation, you want to avoid rejection and you want it to be so clear cut when nothing in dating is black and white. So what does it hurt you to be open, honest and vulnerable with somebody? At least, at the very least, open and honest. Fine. You don't you want to fucking be vulnerable yet. Sure. But you're doing.

yourself a disservice by not, by holding things in, by not sharing somebody what's going on, what you think they can read your mind. Communication and a relationship is everything. So if you aren't even comfortable in the beginning stages of dating and communicating effectively, not again, doesn't mean that you text 24-7. But even let's get to that. So let's go on the communication from before the dates, during the dates, after, and the etiquette.

Because I think this is really important to clarify. Before you've met somebody, this nonsense of the talking stage, the talking stage doesn't exist. The talking stage shouldn't be more than a couple of days, two, three days of getting to know somebody and planning a fucking date. You don't need to talk to somebody for a month and a half to two months before you go out and meet. You need to meet this person. And listen, if you're going to give me the, I'm scared and I'm hesitant, then do a FaceTime date. If you are worried or concerned for your safety, then do something that feels or meet in a public place, meet at a coffee shop in a really busy area. Have an Uber pick you up so that this person can't track your car, whatever.

but that can't be an excuse any longer as to why you're not meeting somebody. There is no talking stage. And don't get super involved. This texting nonstop in the early phages create because you also create a false sense of intimacy. You create who you want this person to be. And then when you meet them, either you're so hell bent on, but where's this person? Where's this person that you overlook a lot of shitty behavior? Because you keep going based back on the person that you thought that they were and the person

that you created in your head as opposed to who they actually are in front of you. And then you become so enamored by the idea of them that you're not. actually able to see them clearly. And you're almost holding on to this relationship that never even existed besides for in texting for you. So that's like the biggest thing. Don't overshare before you fucking met this person. Just a little bit of back and forth. Great. Can't wait to meet you. Then leading up to it, yes, let the person plan the date. Let the guy plan the date. That's the question I get most often. Fine. Share with them. Hey, not really like here's a boundary you can set and how you can communicate that you don't want to do the texting. Hey, super excited to meet you.

stoked, but I'm really, I don't use texting as a means of connection. So let me know when you're available so that we can plan a date. That's it. Because I've had people say after matching, they'll start getting the good morning text. And I'm like, you don't even, you've never met this person. And they're sending you the good morning text. And you wonder why you're fucking crushed and turning to stone because it didn't work out. Completely false expectations.

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From Binge All Episodes exclusively on Paramount Plus. You go on the first date. The first date is only to see if you want to have a second date. Release the outcome. and the attachment to that person. You're not going on this date to be, oh, my God, he's going to be my Prince Germing, and we can get married, and oh, my God, this one has to work, and I'm so sick of tired. You want to enter a date with levity.

I get so many people where I'm like, well, what was on the date? It's like, they'll be so, like, negative or God hate dating and dating such fucking shit, and this is so hard. It's like, do you think anybody wants to sit through that? Would you want to sit through somebody being, like, incredibly negative on the entire time? Because then you're just like, yo, are you using me for your happiness? like what are we here for and it's like you also second thing don't trauma dump don't emotionally dump all over somebody i've had so many talks and people will tell me what people say on the first date and i'm

like that's i would be mortified i would never share that much about myself on the first or second or third date because this person you test and then you invest as matthew hussy always says you don't just give something and everybody something to everybody and like and then before they've earned it so you give a little, you make sure that you can trust the information that was given is a safe space, and then you can give a little bit more. But no, on the second, on a first and second date, you don't need to fucking talk about your childhood traumas and how you have PTSD from this, from your narcissistic ex and how you're so this and the other like, it's not appropriate. That person's not genuinely getting to know you. And a lot of people want to expedite and go,

well, this is who I am. It's like, no, it's not. Those are circumstances that happened in your life, but that is not who you are and that doesn't make you who you are. That is just shit that happened to you. Big fucking difference. This is an explanation. or an excuse. But on that same token, there is a level of vulnerability you need to have in depth to the questions

you're fucking asking on a date. It's not so. Where do you like to, like, hang out? What are your hobbies? Yeah, no, cool. Like, what do you do for fun? It's like, dude, nobody wants to have this fucking conversation.

Spoiler alert, they are for, they are boring. You are learning nothing. You want to know on a first day what to ask. Tell me about your last relationship and what did it teach you. You want to fucking have depth to a conversation.

I want to see, does this person take accountability of their relationship? Did they process and learn from this relationship? Are they actually over that? Do they speak kindly of their ex? Or are they smashing them? That will all tell me if I even want to have a second date with this person. Because you scratch the surface a little bit. People can be on their best fucking behavior.

You throw them a little curveball. I wish I had fucking done that. When I dated the dude that totally killed me after Clem, that guy that I was seeing, I'll never forget when I asked him on our first date, I was like, you know, tell me about your last relationship. And he was like, yeah, I have a pretty nasty habit. I don't date a girl for more than two months. I get bored of them.

That I should have run for the hills. And I said, excuse me? And he said, yeah, he's 34. I'll be 35. Never been in a serious relationship. And I was like, okay. Well, so that something's not adding up. And I was right because like clockwork, two months on the goddamn dot.

I'm unsure about you. I don't know. And all the stuff with Clem and I walked out. I was like, dude, fuck off. I was done. Oh, like don't ever talk to me again like you were a child. And those are things that like my brother always says, the issues you have in the beginning are ultimately what's going to end it.

So if you are asking these questions on a date, you are getting more information and data about this person so that you can decide, do they work for me? Not do they like me? But do I like them? And you want vulnerability in depth, then ask questions. I don't care if it's even what's a passion that you're working on right now or what's a goal that you're working on right now for this year. What's something you want to accomplish this year?

What's something super, what are you working on that you're excited about? See what people are passionate about. Does it align with you? Because you can ask and they can go, like, I remember I was dating a dude right before tech guy like when I first met him. And he was like, yeah, I'm doing my feature film and I'm going to be traveling for like four months from like March until June. And I was like, oh, so then you don't have time to date.

And sure enough, like clockwork, two days later after like two incredible dates and everything being amazing, out of nowhere, hadn't text him, hadn't spoken to him. All I knew was he said, let's get together again. I'm dying to see you. And I just wrote, okay, sounds good, let me know. And two days later, I get a text, you know, I realize I'm not in the bandwidth to date, and I don't really have the time. And I was like, man, I knew that.

And I had even called him out on it. I was like, you sure you're good to date? Yes, yes. Oh, you can come visit me. And I was like, yeah, you're full of shit. Ask the questions. Get curious. That's the point.

And also then, see, are they asking questions about you? That's how it's a big determining factor. If you can come back to me and go, yeah, you're right. you know, they didn't really ask a lot of questions about me. Baby, I tell you right now, that dude's not that interested. He just wants to get, he wants to get laid. And then he's going dash, smash and dash, unfortunately. And that kind of brings me into then communication after the date.

You can definitely let somebody know, hey, I had an amazing time. I would love to get together again. And that is the fucking it. Let them know that you're interested. If somebody does not reach out to you from that, or if they just write, yep, absolutely, we'll get together soon. And you don't hear from them again. Leave it the fuck alone.

That person wasn't picking up what you're putting down. No one owes you an explanation after a first date. Here's also the thing. A lot of people think that they are more receptive than they are. Most people do not take rejection well. They don't. You think that you do until somebody that you start the protest. But why?

You don't even know me. And it's like, this is why people don't do this. Because if somebody is telling you, I don't want to see you again or I didn't feel the connection, you can't convince them. I'm a big proponent of don't go after the spark. And a lot of people say, well, I don't, but all the guys do. And it's like, that's their problem. You can't control other people to stop fucking trying, but you can control yourself.

So if you are not going after the spark and you are going to give people a chance, well, then great, you're putting yourself out there. And also, dating is a lot less personal than you think. There are rejections a lot less personal than you think. People don't know you. So stop trying to make it as if, you know, because what that does is after one or two dates, if you're completely devastated, that's your childhood core wounds coming through. Those are your traumas coming through to be like, I told you you're not good enough.

I told you, that person doesn't know you. How are they able to reject you? They are just saying, I'm not picking up what you're putting down. And you know what? For me, I learned that was normal. I'm a big personality. I'm not like the rest of the girls that are out there. And that is okay.

I'm cool with that. So that means my pool is a little smaller. But God damn, did I get quality by waiting, by holding my boundaries standard and non-negotiables? And so after the date, I don't, I still don't think, even after one to five dates that you should be texting, every fucking day. Every couple of days, sure. Every other day, hey, hope you're having a great day, would love to see you. And then like once in the interim before the date, maybe a phone call,

like, hey, super excited to get together. That is on the dude to do. For you, receive. But no, if you're after the first date and you're the one texting good morning every single day and you're the one that's texting them and you're the one that's asking them to see them, you are now in the chase. And same, if they're just texting you all the time, but they're not making plans. If within that first week, they're not asking you out again, then like, what are you doing? That person's not as intentional as you think they are, and they're probably just active the feeling and like that little, like, the dopamine hit. So again, that's when you can say, hey, not into pen pals.

I don't use text to connect. So let me know when you'd like to get together and set that boundary so that that person can either shit or get off the pot. If you don't hear from them again, they did you a fucking favor. Somebody that is has the bandwidth for a relationship and actually sees you as a contender isn't going to walk away because you tell them you want to spend more time with them. and not build a relationship via text when you can't fucking do that. Because you don't have tone, you don't have explanation, you don't have facial expressions.

You create what you want that to see. Simple as that. And then here we go back onto it. You are what a communication after the date should be a tennis match. You throw the ball, they throw the ball. You throw the ball. They throw the ball. It should be reciprocal.

You both are wanting to talk to each other. You're both investing into each other. You're having a conversation. And here's the thing, though. It's not, I throw the ball seven thousand times and keep serving it in the hope that they're fine, it's going to hit them in the head. They're finally going to send it back. No. If it's not reciprocal, then that's part of your non-negotiables and boundaries. Oh, this doesn't match. Next. No, thank you. And like, and not meaning, no, that was going to say,

it doesn't mean that they're texting you every day. But if they're not reciprocating interest and they're putting 12 hours in between every single fucking text inclusive of a quote-unquote conversation, that is intentionally somebody is putting space between you because they don't have been made their decision up or maybe they're dating other people, whatever. If it doesn't work for you, then it doesn't. It's one thing if you text somebody and 10 hours later they text you because they're working. Well, cool. Yeah, that was an unsolicited text. But when it comes to communicating with people that you're dating, only text when you have something to fucking say. You don't text out of anxiety. You don't text to quell your anxiety. You text somebody because you want to

tell them something. And if you are about to texting, I want you to stop yourself and say, am I doing this to get validation and reassurance? Do I actually want to say something to this person? The Volkswagen Atlas is a 7-seat powerhouse that actually makes sense for real life. It's got cargo space for all your gear, the dogs, and even half of your rec league soccer team. And under the hood, a 2-liter turbocharged TSI engine that hauls up to 5,000 pounds. The 7-seat Atlas, you deserve more space. Visit bw.ca to learn more. S-UBW, German engineered for all.

Stop self-sabotaging. And here's my last note on the communication. If somebody just hearts the message, stop fucking texting. That is their way of saying, I can't or I don't want to continue the conversation. Whether that be, they're at work, they're busy. They want to let you know, hey, I saw this, but I'm not able to try. Don't fucking send another message to try to instigate another response. Sit in the discomfort and let it fucking stew.

You can't control other people. And this is where I'll go. If you're sitting there ruminating, well, they even text me for two hours, three hours, four hours, then you were texting them for reassurance. You weren't texting them out of the, with no expectations.

My mom has always said that to me. She'll say, listen, you do what you want? You're a grown-ass adult, but are you doing this because I want you to check, what are your expectations of this? Start fucking journaling them in your notepad. Start writing all these things you want to text down in your fucking notes on your phone.

But stop using other people as a means for validation with texting. Because almost every situation, I know. Every person I know that has had this incessant texting, they all said the same thing. It romanticized a relationship and it didn't end up fucking panning out because you get older and you get smarter. So to me, I think we have gone over so many incredible parts of communication. And I think now you have enough equipped to deal with when you start to date somebody, the etiquette on that, the speed. You have every right to share your needs to somebody, especially like I said, you've been dating for a couple of months, of course.

course if you're like, hey, I want to text more. It's not to say you never can. But in the beginning, in that first month of dating, when it usually is very fragile, it's important to be intentional with the way that you show up with people and not become attached to the idea of them and to communicate effectively and ensure that no matter what you are communicating, all you can do is take care of your side of the street. So if you are communicated effectively, if you are showing up as an adult and you are doing what you feel is authentic to you, I can't ask any more of that. And if you are challenging your thoughts and saying, you know what? No, you're right. I only want to text this guy because I want the validation, not because I want to actually talk to him or not because I actually have anything to say.

That is fucking huge. Welcome to self-awareness. It's beautiful to heck. So I'm so glad we could do this episode. I think this was so necessary. I think it was so important. So many questions about this. And I think I'm glad that we could talk about this and help clarify some things around communication because I think with these simple tools and the effective measures put in to place, you can have a lot more of a rich, death relationship that you actually want, but you have to become that version as well. You can't expect that somebody else is going to do it without you showing up as well, because it takes two to fucking tango. And just remember, communication in a relationship is literally everything.

For people that say they never argue, bullshit. But then you're not communicating. Because if you actually share things that are going on, doesn't mean you need to argue. It doesn't mean you need to fight. Nobody needs to raise their voices and escalate. But you need to communicate. And my sister has been married. She's been with her husband since she was 18.

So now almost 17 or 18 years together. Number one thing she tells me without communication in a relationship, you don't have anything. And it's about saying those hard things. It's about saying things are uncomfortable. It's about putting yourself in the line and being vulnerable at the right time. Not when you just meet somebody to quell your anxiety and hope that you're not going to be abandoned. If you just tell them everything and they start to validate you, then you'll be okay. Because what you're doing is you're breeding a really insecure and unhealthy relationship from the start.

So yay, guys, we did it. another amazing episode. Thank you so much again for joining us. I fucking love you guys so much. I can't wait. Next week, we'll have Lisa Holden here. She is an editor and a dating columnist, and she is phenomenal, and we're going to go over all of the fun stuff. So please give us five stars. If you think this podcast is worth it, leave a comment, leave a review, share with all your friends. Please, please, please, post on social, all the things. We have on the Instagram is at do thework podcast. So at do.com. The dot work. Podcast. And you can follow along for some content or my Instagram or my TikTok, Sabrina.zovar, if you need anything. And guys, after another amazing

episode, I am going to have dinner now and go and relax. So thank you guys again so much for everything. And I will see you next week.