The Sabrina Zohar Show - 120: Why You Keep Losing Yourself in Relationships (And How to Finally Stop)

Episode Date: January 24, 2025

Consistently feeling like you lose yourself in a relationship? In this powerful solo episode, Sabrina dives deep into one of the most common dating challenges: how to stay true to yourself while dating and in relationships. Through vulnerable personal stories, including her own journey from people-pleasing to authenticity, Sabrina explores why we often lose ourselves in relationships and provides practical tools to maintain our sense of self while building meaningful connections. From understanding the science behind attachment patterns to distinguishing between chemistry and true compatibility, this episode is packed with actionable insights for anyone navigating the dating world. Sabrina shares her innovative "authenticity compass" framework, discusses the importance of maintaining independence while dating, and offers real-world examples of healthy compromise versus self-abandonment. Whether you're currently dating, in a relationship, or working on yourself, this episode provides the blueprint for showing up authentically in love without losing yourself in the process. Stuck After the Podcast? Master Implementation in 8 Weeks with Sabrina's Foundation Course HERE! Do you feel like your emotions run the show and react in ways you can’t control? Join the Nervous System 101: Navigating the Unknowns In Early Dating from Sabrina and Masha Kay HERE! Struggling with a breakup? Join the Make It Make Sense: Getting Through a Breakup course from Sabrina and Britt Frank HERE! Get Ad free HERE! Want to work with Sabrina? HERE! Don't forget to follow Sabrina and The Sabrina Zohar Show on Instagram and Sabrina on TikTok! Video now available on YOUTUBE! Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formally known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A.Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar Show. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. Happy End of January, Babes. Well, whenever you're listening to this, it's wild to think that time is just going by so fast. I'm just excited to see what's going to happen. And today, we are going to talk about how do you stay true to yourself in dating and not lose yourself when you're dating or even in a relationship? It's something that I hear every day from you guys asking it's such a valid question. So today we're going to have, we've got tools. We've got an entire packed episode of so many amazing things that we're going to go over. And I'm just really grateful for you guys. So as always, if you guys need anything, everything is

the link in show notes. Please don't forget to rate and review the show. And please be kind with your words. You have every right to have an opinion and a thought, but we just asked for politeness when you're going to speak because there are other people that are involved that might not have the same lived experience as you. But everybody is welcome. And I always just like to remind everybody. You're all welcomed here, but it is not my job to keep everybody here comfortable and make sure that everybody is happy because it's physically impossible. And I hope that you guys can take that into your dating and relationship life as well. You don't need to bend over backwards to make someone's day. So without further ado, babies, let's get right on into it.

Welcome back, Babes. I love solo time with you guys. And I'm just excited, y'all. I mean, as you guys know, I'm in the process of writing a book. It's not going to be out for another year or so, so don't get too too excited yet about this coming tomorrow. But I'm just grateful. I'm feeling so overwhelmed with how many exciting things that are coming. And I just wanted to take a second as well to thank you guys, right? And also to share a couple of housekeeping things. As you guys know, I'm not going to be taking one-on-ones as often. So if you guys need anything, the courses, we're going to be creating new courses this year and one that you can actually work with me in the course. So rest assured, that's always there for you guys with the nervous system reset,

the breakup course or the foundation course if you just want to really spend some time with yourself. And one last reminder, I get it. The ads are not ideal for anybody. But this is how we keep the show going. And I read the reviews and I know that these frustrate you and I don't want you want to preface that we have no control over the volume of the ads or even the placement. Our editor takes care of that and he strategically places it because yours truly doesn't shut the fuck up. So it's hard to find a good space. And I just wanted to share that you can do ad free. So if that bothers you at all, it's $4 a month. You can get every episode ad free. And I wanted to just share with you guys to know that I am listening. I hear you. But there's certain aspects that are

out of my control, especially in certain industries. So just wanted to share that. that. And if you guys need anything, as always, please check it out in the show notes, join a course, do whatever you got to do, or even just download some free guides. It's always here for you. Okay. Let's talk about the meat and potatoes of what we're here to talk about today, right? How do you stay true to yourself and not lose yourself in a relationship? And God, I was the poster child of it, right? Like, I would, my life revolved around dating. My life revolved around. I just need to find somebody. Like, I'm talking the second I woke up until the second I went to bed. It was like every time I went into somewhere, I would be constantly scanning to see if there was

anybody single in there. Anytime I was out with my friends, I would say, well, the night sucked because, like, I didn't meet somebody. I was always on the apps. I would go to the gym hoping to see someone that I could talk to and stay. I would stay an extra hour and do, like, more. I remember going back to the gym in the middle of the afternoon to do cardio, which I didn't need to do at that day, so I could see a cute guy and see if maybe somebody would come talk to me. And I completely lost myself because I was so focused, like Mama's,

Zohar always says, you know, they're in addition to your life, not instead of. And I was so focused on them being instead of my life and saying, well, they're going to save me and they're going to fix me. And my days revolve around. Am I going to be chosen? Is this person going to come back to me? And that was deeply rooted in childhood. That's my life that I lived for a good portion of my entire life, was wondering that hypervigilance, are they going to come back for me? Are they going to care about me? Are they going to pay attention to me? And, you know, at least for me, like, I've been really intrigued as I explore, you know, we're going to do a friendship episode. I got you babes. But as I I've explored how these friendships impact me, how these past relationships impact me, and where I

ultimately learned this behavior from. And it's been unique for me because now I'm exploring how I handle things like. And I've always just thought I just needed safety. I just need money. I just need to know that I'm going to be okay financially. It's the same narrative I had of, I just need a partner and then I'll be okay without realizing like that root, that little girl in there still has needs. She's still begging for me. She's still trying to get my attention. And I'm listening to her. And I'm acknowledging and I'm validating her. And I'm not, even today I was on the phone with my mom and she's like missed a turn. And she's like, God, Helen, you're so fucking stupid. And I stopped her. And I go, what was that? I said, Helen, you're a human and you made the wrong turn. Just learning how to talk to ourselves with love and

compassion because that's ultimately how you're not going to lose yourself, right? Is by really staying in touch with like what's happening in my body, what's coming up for me. But I remember dating and their hobbies became my hobbies. Their interests became my interest. You want to do this? I'll never forget when I was in the peak of my toxic relationship with my ex. the one who was very similar to my dad. And it would be to the point where, like, I'd be out with friends and I knew he was going to be home in like 20 or 30 minutes. And I would be having like heart palpitations of like, I have to get home. I have to be there. Like I was so codependent and his life was my life that like anything that we did separately, it would be fine. Like, okay, you're going to be out of the house for two hours. At an hour and 59 minutes, I was home to make sure that I would be home when he was. I always had this. I have to be with him. I can't risk that when we're apart, he might forget about me or want to be out, or might. not want to be with me. And I completely lost myself. And it's not something that I want any of you guys to do. And that's why, like, when I started dating Ryan, I tech I was really, it was a really big turn on when he would say, no, like, I'm busy today. I have something to do when I was like,

oh, oh, that's hot, right? Like, you're not going to just like cancel everything because I said I was free today or text you like, hey, do you want to hang out? And that type of, that boundary, that self-love of being okay, right? And I used to do that. I would have plans with my friends. And if a guy said, do you want to go do something tonight? I tell my friends I couldn't do something. Everything revolved around when you jump and say, when you say jump, I said how high. And so I think it's really important for us to hit on these things. Like this year, I'm really going to start to deepen our conversations on the podcast and go a little further, right, of like emotional intelligence. And I genuinely want you guys to learn. Like, I'm so fucking tired of just the same content every day of

like, let's talk about the basics of attachment style. It's like, I think we know, right? Like, let's evolve and go deeper. I kind of wanted to start here. here with why we lose ourselves in relationships, right? Like, what is actually coming up? And of course, as you guys know, I got some science and some data here to back up what I'm saying. Like, I think a lot of people think I just make the shit up. And it's like, no, I studied it. And I understand it. And I understand how all the parts work together to create the version of who we are. And there's nothing wrong with any of you guys. You're fucking human and you're having your own lived experience. So please show yourself some grace. Let's talk about emotional programming. I told you guys we're

going to talk about these stuff. So most of us don't lose. ourselves because we want to, right? It's not like you're like consciously choosing this. It's usually something that we've been taught, right? So like if you grew up in an environment where love felt conditional, hi, it's me, then you might have learned to prioritize other people's needs before you prioritize your own needs. And that could become very instinctual, right? What you want, I'll make you comfortable, whatever you need, I'm just here for decoration. And it's like, well, that's also how we learn to gain connection. And unfortunately, now in our adult relationships, it's not going to work out the same because you're not dating your parents, right?

That's not how we gain connection by staying small, by staying and playing small. We gain connection by being authentically ourselves and not being scared of losing someone else. And I think what shifted it for me was like when I stood up to my dad, right? Like I remember standing up to my dad in 2022 and then every guy I dated after. I was like, what am I scared of losing? Who the fuck are you? The big bad wolf, the person who created all of this, I lost. And that's why I love Britt Frank too.

Like she, anytime I'll talk to her and say, like, I'm really freaked about it. And she's like, let your little know you already lost it. And I was like what? And she's like, because you did. You lost the childhood that you wanted. You lost the parents and the caregivers that you wanted. And that's okay. Maybe we can grieve that. And we can grieve the parts of us that felt like we had to perform for those types of people as well. If you had parents that withdrew when you were upset, you might learn now to over adapt to avoid that disconnection. Right. And again, as I always preface, this doesn't mean that your parents are bad people. This isn't about villainizing them or making them out to be something. they're not. It's about understanding, oh, my parents might be emotionally unavailable or withdrew or shut down or they only appraised me when I did something well, when I achieved something. So now you put your worth is in what you can prove to people, right? That's when we see a lot of this perfectionism and I have to perform and what can I do that fixer, right, too, of like, I want to make them okay. I want to make their life easier. But then we're disconnected from ourselves and we're not really looking at, well, what's coming up for me? She knows.

How? Did you blam? No. The Devil Wears Prada 2. He's the movie event 20 years in the making. Honestly, can't with the secrets anymore, so I think we just should tell her. Will you two please spit it out already? This Friday, be the first to experience it only in theaters.

In light of the recent scandal, I'm here to restore your credibility. Oh, because we're a team now. That's a nice story. The Devil Wears Prada 2 in Theaters Friday. So that's the environment that we grew up in in that psychology. But then let's look at like the neuroscience component of it. So if we talk about the polyvagal theory, right, kind of what Masha and I talk about in the nervous system course, about the ladder, where are you in the ladder, or are you ventral,

which is kind of feeling safe, or are you sympathetic, which has a lot of energy, or are you dorsal, which feels like you're shut down. That's why I love that course, the navigating 101 and dating because it really starts to explain. So we have fight or flight, right, or freeze or fawn. So fight or flight would be in that sympathetic. I have so much energy, right? I'm going to fight the tiger or I'm going to run away. But then when we go down in dorsal, right, we shut down. That's that freezer fawn. And fawn is something that's a little newer that we start to talk about. And that really is where we appease others to avoid conflict, people pleasers, right, as well. And so it's your nervous system's way of saying, like, I'm only safe if I stay small. If I just keep things to myself, if I don't bring attention to myself, well, then maybe the tiger won't eat me, right? Then maybe nobody will see nobody's going to notice this. And that might have worked in your childhood, but unfortunately, that doesn't translate to adult relationships.

I can't tell you how many guys I dated. And again, sexual or heterosexual norms. I'm only speaking from personal experience. Please insert whatever pronoun works best for you. But when I personally were dating men, I was so terrified of ruffling any feathers. I didn't want to say anything. Remember, the cool girl, right? Like, I'll never forget when I was dating this guy.

And it was like the biggest situation ship I had ever had. And I think I was like 24. I was such a baby. I had just gotten clam. Like I remember living in my old apartment. And he was about 11 years older than me. And so like, and everybody would jokingly call me the kid, the teen. And I was like, I found a dismissive and rude.

But I was like, oh, it's because he didn't take me seriously. So none of these people did. And I just thought if I play small, if I do everything he wants, if I don't open my mouth. Like I'll never forget my mom visiting in town. And she was at like, I like went to his house. I remember, like, his fantasy was me showing up, hooking up with him without saying anything and then leaving. And instead of me being like, hey, that doesn't feel sexy to me. Like, we're not in a relationship.

We're not committed yet. I feel like this is a brothel. I feel like I'm being used. No, your girl did it. I walked over, because he lived like three blocks from me in New York. It was winter. I walked over in a trench coat with like two things with like on lingerie under it, hooked up with this guy and left.

And I remember my mom was sitting outside waiting in the cold for me. And she was so upset that I, instead of waiting for her to come home, I chose. no, no, no, he told me to do this. I want to make sure he likes me. And I always said, let me just play small because then he'll learn to like me. He's going to fall in love with me. And we dated for like five or six months that summer. And I remember him telling me who's falling in love with me. But like, I never had any conversations of like, what are we doing here? Do you want a relationship? Like, no, I just figured if I just don't say anything and I just do what he wants, right? I started listening to the music he liked. I started doing what he wanted to do because I was just figured if I just

become the version of who he wants me to be, then he'll choose me. Spoiler alert. That didn't happen. It ended up being he moved. We tried long distance for a week and then he got another girlfriend quickly after. And I completely abandoned myself and did everything that this guy wanted. I never had conversations of how I felt. I was just so terrified. And so now I think that's why the pendulum has swung the other way where I'm like, no, no, no, let's communicate. Let's talk because my little needs to be heard. And that's how you guys ask all the time like, how do I stand up for myself? How do I love myself? How do I choose myself? Like this. Right? You choose yourself by standing up for yourself and being like, hey, I need to gain clarity here. I'm not really sure what we're doing. Could you please open up and tell me how you're feeling? That is you choosing you because you're saying, I'm not scared of losing somebody else by staying true to what my needs are. And again, I totally get it. If you grew up in an environment where that was really scary, that's the work to be done now. Regulating your nervous system, coming back home to yourself and saying like, I'd rather be alone than in bad company. I'd rather choose myself than have somebody else choose me and then be miserable in that situation because I'm not being authentically myself, right? It's like that fucking soft partnering that I saw a 90-day fiance where it's like, no, can you just show up authentically and let the person know who you are? Right? Like last night we were at Ryan's family dinner and everybody was just so lovely and warm and engaging and it's like it stopped for a second and I was like, the only reason I'm here is because of who I am. Had I tried to pretend to be a woman that he wanted me to be and then all of a

sudden bait and switched him six months in, we would have broken up. But being authentically myself was ultimately would lead me to somebody who loves me for who I am. And I stayed true to myself. I didn't cancel my yoga classes. I didn't cancel my friend hangouts. I still had my life because I wanted to make sure I maintained some independence, but also interdependence. Letting someone into my life slowly that my nervous system could acclimate and not just going from zero to 100. We're like, I've done that. The guy I dated before Ryan, we spent every day together, right? Like, I remember he needed to go to the airport. I canceled my plans that afternoon to take him to the airport and to hang out with him in the morning when like, I had stuff to do. I needed

to get other things done and I sacrificed that because I wanted this person to choose me and I wanted him to like me. We don't need to do that anymore. There's a study done in 2019 from the journal's self and identity. So the study found that individuals who I prioritize authenticity report higher self-esteem and lower levels of anxiety and depression and relationships. Staying true to yourself isn't just good for love. It's literally essential for your mental health. It's the only way that you're actually going to show up authentically. And so somebody had asked, how do I stop losing myself in early dating when I'm excited about them? I want you to slow down. I want you to go. slow and I want you to start asking yourself, am I overgiving and over adapting because I'm

excited or because I'm afraid they'll lose interest. True connection doesn't require you to shrink. And I just want you to sit with that for a second. I want you to sit for a moment of what are my true intentions and reasons for doing this, right? Like when I would cancel plans and do all that, it wasn't because I was just like, oh, well, I'm so into them. It's like, no, I was really nervous that if I didn't do that, that they weren't going to accept me. And like whenever I tried to change the dance steps, like when the, I remember when the guy that I had limerance on in L.A., the YouTube guy, when he, I'll never forget, he like, I would always ask him to hang out and it, where timing never worked for him.

And I remember he texted me at like 9 a.m. Or like 9.30 and he was like, what up? And I was like, hi. Don't do six times to make plans with me. And he was like, I'm on my way to my factory. And he was like, oh, I was going to see if you want to kick it. And I was just like, hey, as I mentioned, like I do have work I need to do. Like I have a career.

I have my company software. Like I have stuff I have to do. I appreciate the invite. I was like, but moving forward, I'd love if you made a plan. And he just never answered. And it was like, okay, well, I'm really glad I said that because had I not been like, oh, what do you want to do? Yeah, yeah, I'll come over now. It's like, do you think that would have ended differently? Do you think me saying no and him not engaging would have ended differently if I had said yes. I'm sure a lot of us are like, yeah, he would have chosen us. It's like, but is that what this is about? All right. Here's a tool. I want you to utilize this. It's called the alignment checkin. So before you say yes to something, I want you to ask yourself these two questions. One, am I doing this because I genuinely want to or am I avoiding conflict or rejection? And then the second thing, Does this action align with my values? So when that guy text me at 9 in the morning, you want to hang out? I was like, what are you doing? Like, it's a Tuesday afternoon. I was like, don't you have stuff to do?

Did I genuinely want to see him? Of course. But did that go against my values? Absolutely. Because my values were you need to make a plan with me. I have a busy schedule. And you need to value my time because I value my time. So I wasn't going to say yes to something that didn't feel like it aligned with me, right? And that's when I was like, nope, that doesn't work for me. And that's a surefire way, especially if you're dating somebody that you're not sure if they're a narcissist or not. Say no. Cancel a plan. Hey, I'm so sorry I can't make it. Or nope, no, I'm not available that night.

Are you free on Friday? Have your own life. That's really sexy to people. But like when everything is just, oh, you say jump, I say how high. Well, then what you're telling this person is, I don't really value my time. Your time is more important than mine. And it's like, no. No, I'm a busy person.

That's why I love coffee dates. I'm so tired of this fucking rhetoric that coffee dates are low value. It's like says fucking who. You know what's low value? Me wasting my time. Me going out and spending all of this time to get ready for a dinner that if this person I don't know who they are. Instead, what makes me a valuable person is that I have morals, ethos, and ethics and that

I value my own time. So I'm going to go on a coffee date so I don't waste my time and I can vet if I like this person enough to see them again. I think we want this great. We want all this grandiosity of like, I want this big. dinner and all this. It's like, cool, go on the second or third date to do that. You don't need to do that on the first date if you constantly fall for people really quickly and you lose yourself. It's really important to maintain your independence, not go hyper-independent where it's like, I don't need

anybody, but to remember that you also have a life. Let's talk about attachment styles and their role. So attachment isn't just a label, right? We slap everything on like, they're avoiding, they're anxious, and it's a cop-out, right? Because I don't think a lot of people truly understand how attachment styles work and what a trigger really means in our body, right? It's just because somebody like shuts down when you're having a conversation of like something of kind of conflict doesn't make them a bad person in the same vein that not everyone's a fucking avoidant or a narcissist. So when we look at attachment styles, those are behaviors that your brain learned to survive in relationships. So if you're anxiously attached, right, you might default by overgiving just because

you want to keep someone close. Overgiving, not just some gifts, right? Your time, your energy, texting a bunch, right? And then if you're avoidantly attached, you might protect your independence at all costs. So let me repeat that again. Neither is wrong, right? But as an avoidant, you're like, no, no, no matter what, I need to protect my independence. And as the anxious person, you're like, ah, take it. I don't give a shit. I just want you to like me. Nobody is right or wrong for that. Those are protective mechanisms. And that's okay. That's why I'm trying to just demystify. This isn't about excuses, right? And that's okay, right? Some of you guys will get real angry with me when I talk about avoidance of like, you're giving excuses. It's like, no, I'm trying to have

compassion for other people because I don't want to give excuses. to you, but I'd like to hold space for your anxiety and where you're going through. Everybody's normal in a human. There's nothing wrong with anybody. Just we need to understand that. And some people are assholes, right? Some people are just dickheads, assholes. And that's okay. Those people are on their own journey and I respect that. Trust me, I get to deal with them every fucking day when they comment on my shit or DM me or do something. It's like there are a lot of people that are really unhappy in their own life. And remember, you're dating these people. You're going to interact with them at some point. Remember, this has nothing to do with you.

It's okay. Everyone's allowed to and be entitled into what they're going through. So, When you feel emotionally unsafe, your brain releases cortisol. Don't we love the stress hormone? And that makes it harder to think rationally and communicate effectively. Think about your prefrontal cortex shuts down. There's cortisol. And what happens when cortisol gets released in your body, all the other neurotransmitters get depleted.

So that's why serotonin and dopamine start to go down. And that's why we're craving more because we are in such a stressful time. And our cortisol is spiking, especially in dating, that we're looking. That's why the texting, it's like these are quick dopamine hits just to help balance out how severe our cortisol is. So it's just important to remember that. And that's why the anxious attaches might overtext and that's why the avoidance pull away. It's because it's the brain's way of self-protection. Again, it's not sabotage. Your brain's not doing this to be like, ha ha, Nelson and the Simpsons, like, I want to hurt you. It's like, no, your brain's doing this

because it's like, hey, I don't know any better. I'm just going to default to what has always kept us safe. There's nothing wrong with you. But there was a 2020 study done and the study found that individuals with secure attachment styles report higher relationship satisfaction because they're able to balance autonomy and connection. You can work towards that. There is something called earned secure. You are not beholden to your attachment style. Don't forget that, babies. And so we had a couple of questions here. How do I handle an anxious avoidant dynamic without losing yourself? So for the anxious person, I'm going to need to do something you probably don't want to do. Babes, I understand. I get how tough that could be, right? But when you're anxious, I need you to pause.

I need you to take a second and say, what am I trying to sue right now? Is this an old wound or is it the moment happening? I do that all the time. When Ryan says something or bothers me, like even this morning, last night I asked him to keep a pan out for me. And this morning, I went, you put the pan away. And like, internally, I was like, of course, I'm going in all this. I was like, he doesn't care about me and you didn't listen to me. And I had to stop.

And I was like, Sabrina, I don't think that's valid. I was like, you can also hold space that your partner is a human and was probably exhausted and probably didn't even think about it and didn't even put two and two together because then when he saw it, he could. kind of looked and I was like, he forgot to keep it out. And then he cleaned it for me when I was done. And he put it away. It's like, we have to be able to stop because I was like, oh, that's an old wound. That's my father, right? The you don't listen to me. You don't care about me. And I was like, but that's not my partner. Okay, he's a human. He forgot to fucking leave something out for me.

I don't need to castrate him for that. And so it's important to pause, right? I didn't need to to react to it. I could take a second and really start to investigate. And then, you know, a minute later, he gave me a kiss. He's like, all right, I love you, want to go do something. And I was like, okay, walked it off, right? And same way for the avoided. Stay present during vulnerability. It's important to bring yourself back. Like sharing a worry, asking for support.

Those are small moments, right? Like I could see Ryan sometimes, I'm like, you okay? And he's like, yeah, sorry, I'm in my head. And it's like, that's all right. You're a human. You're allowed to be. And he can see me. Sometimes I'm spiraling in my head.

And he's like, oh, you're in a loop. I'm like, oh, baby. It's good. You can see my face. Like, we just know each other so well. But really, when you're dealing with this dynamic, it's also about communication, right? And this is kind of my thing. Avoidant and anxious attachment is not an excuse for having poor behavior. Just because you're anxious doesn't mean that you could text a thousand

times and go off the rails and say, well, I want to talk and I want this and I want this and you're not reassuring me. It's like, you know, that gets exhausting. And then same with the avoidant. Just because you're avoided doesn't mean that you could be like, well, I don't want to talk right now and I pull away and I shut down and I, it's like, yo, is this an explanation or an excuse? You can work towards earned secure. So if you're dealing with this dynamic, I really want you to just take a pause. And also look, do I see progress? Like when Ryan and I started to date and I said that, you know, when I had asked him if I, if we could have more texting and he said, set that boundary, no.

And I was like, okay, I can handle that. It wasn't him just being like, I'm avoided. I don't want to do this. He came with, but how can I, how else can I show up for you? What can we do so that we both feel comfortable? That's two people who genuinely are interested in building a relationship. So that's how you avoid losing yourself is by one person pausing. And really thinking about this of like, you know what?

Do I need to go out with this person for the third day in a row this week? No, I want to actually go do something with my friends and let this person miss me a little bit. Distance creates desire. Allow someone to miss you. It's not a game. This isn't of like, ooh, I'm going to play a chess piece. It's just normal and being like, I don't need to see you every single day this week. I thought I see you this weekend and we have more to talk about by then because it's new and it's exciting.

And I don't want the honeymoon phase to end. And all of a sudden you're like, oh, this person. Here's a tool. The trigger tracker. So after a disagreement or an emotionally charged moment, I want you to journal. Journal. pen to paper. It activates a different part of your brain than writing in your phone. So the first one, what triggered me in the moment? What was the actual cue to my nervous system that I'm in danger? Right? So this morning, what triggered me was seeing the pot away? To know anybody else, right? That's a neutral action or inaction. To anybody else, they'd be like, okay, your partner put the pot away, but for me, it triggered me. Was my reaction tied to the situation under old fear? I think we both know the answer to that had nothing to do with the pot. It had to do with the fact that I started to create this narrative. And what would a secure person respond like, process it and say, my partner's allowed to be a human. And if there's an actual

issue, I'll talk to them about it, of like, hey, last night I had said this, you know, if it were like a bigger issue, hey, last night I had asked you to do this and you didn't, that really makes me feel like I'm dismissed and not really heard. I'd love to know, like, what's going on for you in this moment that you didn't remember to do that. It's okay, right? That would have been, like, if it were an issue. But instead, I was like, this ain't an issue. I'm just going to move on with my life and allow my partner to be a human. And so again, keeping your voice, finding your voice, holding onto your voice is how you're going to avoid losing yourself. So now we kind of go into chemistry versus compatibility. Hi, it's me, the spark, the trauma tingles, no more of it. So chemistry can truly feel intoxicating

because it activates your brain's reward system. So it floods you with dopamine and oxytocin. But those hormones can cloud your judgment. And that's also why I'm saying stop chasing a feeling. So especially when that connection is rooted in something unhealthy, right? And how many times they have like, one of my friends just won on this date? And he was like, oh, my God, it was amazing. And the guy was so into me. And we had this great makeout session. And I really thought we were connected.

And then he told the guy after, like, I had a great time. I'd love to see you again. Like, you know, blah, blah. And the guy was like, oh, you know, I'm just not feeling that spark. I feel more of a friend vibe. And my friend was just like, are you fucking kidding me? And I was like, that doesn't surprise me. Because after he started telling me about him, I was like, oh, this person's really unhealthy.

This person had like a super toxic X and isn't in therapy and doesn't think that he needs it. And it's like, that's okay, right? This person's not a bad guy. It's just that this isn't a match because this person is going off of, I want the high. I want to feel, feel, feel. But the problem is that's not sustainable, right? You can't always, this person isn't going to always be activating that dopamine and oxytocin release and trigger in your brain. So relying on that is pretty detrimental when you think about it, right?

That's not safe. So if you guys have experienced unavailable or chaotic love, your brain might interpret that as normal. Mine, sure, as fuck did, right? Well, I even said last night at dinner, I was like, oh, not everybody's family was abusive. Like, what? That's weird. And of course, I said that as a joke. But I'm like, that was my normalcy.

What, you don't have to beg your parent and earn for love, right? You don't have to beg this person? Even now, I started to look into, like, where do I not feel like I'm worthy and good enough? Where did I not feel like I was worthy and good enough? Where does that come from? Why is money so hard for me to receive, right? my career. I'll be like, no, no, no, I'm not worth that. And it's like, yes, I am. And I realized it trailed back to, who, going to get emotional. When I was a kid, my father used money as a means

of control. And he would giveeth and he would takeeth. And so that led me to believe, like, oh, you're not good enough. You have to earn his love by you, like for him to buy you something, that means you have to be a really good girl. And it was my eighth birthday. And my mom, I just remember her begging my father, please. let me buy Sabrina something for her birthday. And my father saying no. And so my mom saved up money. And she took me to Ross.

And she let me choose one thing. And I'll never forget that moment. Because to my mom, I was worth it. And that's why now I struggle with my self-esteem in my career of like, well, why are you giving me all of this money? I didn't earn it. I didn't do anything. Even though, yes, I did.

Of course I earned it. I'm working my fucking ass. off. But that was the messaging received as such a young age was you don't just get something because of who you are. You have to beg and plead and scream and cry for anybody to even look at you, let alone to spend money on you. And that is where I'm undoing so much of that familiar pattern. And that's why, you know, when I would date guys that were super grandiose with their money, it was unsettling to me because I was like, but why are you spending all of this on me? Who am I? that doesn't mean that I'm actually unworthy. I don't believe that that little girl didn't deserve a birthday present,

but that was the messaging that I got as a child. And the reason I share that is because sometimes it's not love, it's familiarity. Sometimes it's an old wound coming back to say, but this is still where I am. And that's where I still believed in what I was. That's where I thought I was. And again, I'm not dating. So I can't share with you personal experiences of like,

oh, I just went on this date and this activated this. But I share all these personal stories because I want you guys to also see that like this shit will manifest in other parts of your life and you might not even fucking notice it. But instead of chasing highs and feelings, I want you to start to explore that familiar pattern of who taught me this. Who taught me that I'm not worthy deserving, lovable and incredible as who I am? Who taught you that? Woo! There was also a study done in 2018. that showed couples who focus on compatibility over chemistry report higher levels of long-term satisfaction

because intensity fades but alignment stays. So someone said, how do I stop confusing chemistry with real connection? Pay attention to consistency, right? Chemistry might bring you together, but compatibility and their ability to grow will keep you together. It's like saying, oh, they're attractive. It's like, attractive will get you in the door, doesn't keep you at the table. Right? You could be a beautiful, incredible-looking human. That's not going to be enough. That's why it's like, oh, well, she's hot or he's good looking. It's like, do you think that's all it takes? And if that's it, enjoy your relationship.

I'll be shallow as fuck. And so we want to really look at, is it compatibility or is it chemistry? So before investing into somebody, I want you to ask yourself these three questions. Do I feel emotionally safe with this person? Right? I hear this all the time. I'm like, when I'm with them, everything is amazing. But then when I'm not, I'm all up in arms.

And it's like, no, that's what we call limerence, right? When I'm with them, everything is great. When we see just polarizing. When I'm with them, it's amazing. When I'm not, it's fucking terrible. What is because it's when you're with them. See, look, they're choosing me. I'm here. I'm picked. Right. We're on that high. And then when you're not, it's because there's not safety created. Remember, we only obsess over people that don't make us feel safe because we're constantly trying to prove ourselves to them to get them to what we affirm an old core belief or a pattern. So the second thing, are they consistently, are they consistent in their actions and communication? Right. Again, is it not hot and cold? Well, they text me of all day for like a day and then two weeks will go by and I don't hear from them. Or one minute, they're sporadic. Or they only ask me to hang out when they're free. okay well that's not being consistent just because someone texts you good morning every morning doesn't mean shit how do they show up for you right that's what's really important for us to look at here and then three do our values and long-term goals align i am so tired of hearing this level like well but like i'm not gonna talk about money or finances or this or that i'm scared i don't want to freak them out it's like stop wasting your fucking time you want to get married please hold that space that's what i mean by you won't fucking lose yourself you're not going to then be in a relationship i've had people come to me that they've been together for someone for almost two years and then they just found out they don't want kids I'm shocked. I'm like, I'm sorry, what have you guys been talking about this whole time? What, what are your conversations? It's okay to take up space. You think you're going to lose your, oh, I'm scared I'm going to lose them. It's like, but you're losing your life and your time. Like Ryan has always said, when you waste someone's time, you waste a part of their life. Don't do that to yourself. Stop wasting your own fucking time and start valuing who you are and showing up like that. Take up space. I want to hear it. Just because your parents didn't, doesn't mean other people don't. The last installment,

here is like how do we build authentic connection and authenticity to ourselves? So staying true to yourself isn't just like a one-off thing, right? It's a daily practice. Every time you speak your truth, every time you set a boundary, you strengthen that self-trust. I've shared with you guys, like I said, when I told my father off and I started to show up differently, it was a practice. Every day, I had to commit to it. No, no, no, Sabrina, you're not going to trail back. Again, and the, again, the reason I share the gym comparisons isn't because I'm like, everyone, go work out. It's because it's very similar. You don't just go to the gym once and like, that's it. I've got the body I want.

It's like, you show up every day. You have to consistently commit to yourself and to the practice and to showing up. Doesn't mean that every day you have to go to the gym for six hours. Go for a walk, right? Maybe it means making a better choice about what I'm eating, right? The other day I wanted Wendy's. And I was like, I think you're good, Sabrina. You're not six.

You don't need to eat that shit because I thought a future me. I was like, how am I going to feel after? Like garbage. Am I going to feel, am I going to be happy with myself? Probably not. I'm going to beat myself up. You know what? after thinking about it, I don't think it's a good idea for me to go. Right? Even my, like, my friend

that has going through a breakup. The other night, he was like, I want to text my ex. And I was like, think of future you. Think a future you. And he was like, no, thank you. So we have to remember, it's about consistently showing up for you, just because you say no once. And then this person gives you an attitude. I'll get that of like, well, I said this and this person freaked out. And it's like, so that that one lived experience is everybody else. Everyone's the same. They're all going to be the same experiences. No, you're going to have different experiences, but you won't know that until you try to show up differently. And you consistently do that. So again, say no instead of yes. Just because someone text you and says, you want to go out Friday, I'm going to be out of town for a

week. That's my only night. Sorry, I have plans Friday. If you have plans, right? Like if you genuinely are like, if I'm free, okay, cool, I'm free, I'd love to see you. But if I had already a birthday party or plans with my girls or a family event, no, I'm not going to cancel it. I'm not going to cancel it just because you tell me that you're free. This is a mutual aspect here, right? It's intentionality. It's okay, fine, I don't see you for another week. That's what I mean by I'm not scared of losing somebody because if I go a week and I don't hear from this person and then they come back and I don't hear from this person and even I reach out and they don't make the plan. Great. I have my answer. I'm glad I didn't cancel my plans because if this person that couldn't have

their way or see me at the moment that they wanted to, that's the end of it. Thank God they showed me their early colors. Right. They're saying, thank God they show me their true colors early. And we have to remember two. Rejection, right? The fear of rejection. I get it. That's why a lot of us will say, no, no, no, I don't want. I'm scared that they're going to leave me or lose, whatever, whatever. It activates the deepest fear of not being enough. And what we have to look is reframe it. Rejection is a filter. It's a filter bringing closer and closer to the people that are for you.

And I've even learned that, y'all. Like I said, with everybody is welcome to my podcast, but it is not my job to make everybody here feel comfortable. I don't need to change how I speak, right? This is how I talk. You tell me it slow down. But then that's me not staying true to myself. That's me self-abandoning and saying, oh, well, you want that.

But then someone else says, well, I don't like the content I want this. Someone else says to curse. Someone else is to not. So how is it my responsibility? What I do is I create an open forum. You're all welcomed, but this isn't a cult. You don't have to listen. You don't have to stay. You are welcome to leave at any time. I don't want you to, but it's also a free choice. And that's how it is in dating. Connection is aligning. You want to align with your truest self. And that's why I stay so fucking true to myself and say, hey, that's okay. Right. It's not about like, go fuck yourself,

get out of here. It's like, no, that's cool. But like if I walk into a store and it's too expensive, or I don't like the product or it's not my style. Do I start screaming at them and saying like, well, you need to change this and you need to change the hangers and you need to do it. It's like, no, I just fucking leave. No, thanks. This isn't for me. That's okay.

And if I like it, yay, I stay. That's how I want you to see dating. And I understand, again, the fear of rejection. I'm a fucking human. You don't think when I see a one-star review of people knocking me down because of stuff that's out of my control, like ad placement or volume, that it doesn't hurt me. But I have to remember it. That's okay.

That's okay. Let him go, Sab. You are not here to perform for other people. And again, the reason I share these types of experiences because I'm not dating. It's hard for me to be like, oh, yeah, in this experience and dating from six years ago when I had that. But again, this, it's you're a human. This stuff is going to trickle in in every part of your life. Stay true to who you are, but also be growth-minded.

Again, I take feedback in criticism. If somebody said something, I'm like, oh, that's a good point. You know, I can implement that. Great. If it feels valid and authentic, of course. You don't want to be rigid. But there's also an understanding of who you are and that you can please some of the people some of the time, but you can't please all the people all the time. Shout out to my mom. So someone said,

how do I balance being authentic and compromising in a relationship? Compromise is about flexibility and without self-sacrifice, right? So if somebody is like, I want to go out at 10 o'clock tonight and you're like, fuck no. How about 7 o'clock? And they're like, 7.30, can we compromise? And you're like, okay. That's not crazy for me, right? Like, we're both coming into the middle. Or when tech guy and I first started dating and we, and I remember like after eight or nine months and I asked him, what's the biggest compromise that you made thus far? And he was like the texting. I had to learn to remove myself a little to step back and say, I don't need to be so rigid. This isn't sacrificing my needs. This person just doesn't want to text every day. He had to step a little closer and say,

okay, I might not want to text every day, but I'll at least call her, right? We compromised because it's not rigid of like, it has to be this or it's bad. That just shows growth, right? We want more, we want a flexible mindset. We want a flexible nervous system. We don't want rigidity. But we also want to make sure you're taking care of yourself. And so I want you to ask yourself, Does this compromise align with my values or am I abandoning them? Right? So I don't like to go out late. I don't drink.

It's just not my thing. It's a personal total thing. Once in a blue moon, I'll have it. So I love zbiotics because I can chuck. It doesn't affect my body because I'm such a lightweight, right? I don't really drink very often, if at all. So when I have one cocktail, three sheets. So if somebody were to say, you want to meet at a 10 and go to a bar and do all this,

it's like, no, right? It's not, the compromise would be, hey, I'm not really a big drinker. Why don't we meet at 730? And then you can go out, right? Like, you can go have your fun. or maybe I'll go out with you, I just won't have a, I'll have a mock tail. That's me not self-abandoning versus being like, cool, let me go out and meet you at 11 o'clock at night. And it's like, no, that doesn't align with my values and who I actually am as a person.

It's just it's not the lifestyle I want to live. That's cool. And so I want you to think about this. It's called the authenticity compass. So one, before making a decision, reflect on this, am I doing this because it feels true to me? Just ask yourself that question. Second, if I weren't afraid of rejection, what would I do? If I weren't refate of objection, right?

So if I had, I think about this way, you know, you have this person that you're really into and they ask you to do something and you can't. If you had six other people that you were super interested in and this was just one of many, how would you respond? I asked that, not to be a smart ass, but to show you like, oh, fuck, I see what you mean, right? Like, I can show up differently. I don't have to hold on because when you're not afraid of losing something, what's there, right? Like when I had Glenn passed away and I started dating Ryan, I was like, I don't give shit. I just lost my best fucking friend. The one thing that means more to me on this planet than anything else.

all right so this guy doesn't want to go out with me who gives a shit right i'm not going to lose myself to try and keep somebody and that's why we progressed and had our relationship was i released control the outcome i wasn't trying so hard to hold on to it because like you don't need to perform for love the right person's going to see you they're going to value you and they're going to choose you because of who you are so again hold on to your plans make sure that you're checking in with yourself like does this feel like an alignment right like if you're dating somebody and after a month they say I want you to meet my friends and family or not even a month after like a week and you're like that doesn't feel right to me. No, I'm not going to self-abandon. Just, I'm going to stay true to myself. Hey,

that's moving at a faster pace than I'm comfortable with. That person leaves, A rivadirchi, baby. Thank you for doing me the favor. Thank you for not wasting more of my time, because you showed me who you truly are, that you weren't intentional. It's okay. Again, see how I don't villainize. It's not about being a bad person. It's just we don't align. Y'all, it'll change the game for you. You don't need to make other people bad in order for you to be good. We can hold two conflicting thoughts and say, I'm allowed to say no, and they're allowed to want that. Just as means that we might not be aligned. So someone said, how do I stop overthinking if they like me back?

I want you to shift. Do I choose them? Right? Do they meet my standards? Do they make me feel safe? Do I enjoy myself? How do I feel when I'm with this person? Right?

You are here to choose them just as much as they're here to choose you. And we want reciprocity. I don't want it to just always be like, you know, how many times I hear of like, oh, my God, this person was amazing all up in arms. And you're like, but that other person said that they just got a friend vibe and weren't into you. So you're like, where's the disconnect? You know, you're so focused on them not choosing me.

and oh my God, but they didn't like me and oh, I feel like this and I'm never good enough. It's like, no, that's just reaffirming your core beliefs. So can we reframe that to do I choose you? Do I also want you here? That's part of this. I want you both to choose each other. That's what makes this sexy. So I'm saying, I confuse sex with love.

How do I stay grounded? Go slow. Do I feel emotionally and mentally safe with this person? Or is this just a physical thing? Again, I have been there before. I understand. I don't think casual works. If I were to hook, like when I've had sex with Ryan on the first,

first date. That was because I left going on, I never say this guy again, but oh, God, I needed to get late. It was been way too long. I was like, oh, I needed that. But it wasn't like, oh, let's be hookup buddies. Let's be casual. No, because intimacy releases chemicals. We have it's nature. It's how it works. I'm not, you know me. I'm very intimacy positive. You do you. But what I will say is if you find yourself attaching quickly, slow it down. Tell this person like, hey, I attach really quickly. Or no, I just, intimacy kind of muddies the water for me. Can we just even have a few dates? I want to just make sure that, like, I'm choosing you as well. If that person, again, doesn't accept your boundary, they can fucking kick rocks without choose. And then the last question. How do I create space for someone new without losing my independence? Remember, interdependence is finding the balance of connection and individuality. So have your routine, right? So like, if I know that every morning I do this, maybe once I could say. Like Ryan goes every morning with Kobe. And when we were dating, he started to let me in on that. He would be like, okay, on today, you can come on the walk. It wasn't every day, right? Because that was his time to process. But he was trying to bring me into his life and allow me part of something. So it's really about balancing, right? We don't want the pendulum to swing of like all or nothing. But am I balancing my life that I had before I met this person? You were good before them. You'll be good after. Who are these people that you meet? You've known this person for three weeks. But yet if you're 35 years old, so 35 years you were fine without this person, then all of a sudden it's like up in arms and everything is around them. Start to say no. Start to take up space and start to really ask yourself, like, what are my needs? What do I actually want to do? Do I want to say yes here? Am I just saying yes? Are I just saying yes here? Am I just saying yes? I'm just saying yes to things? We're hoping that this person's going to choose us. But slow it down. Take a minute and come back home to yourself, babes. I love solos. I could talk all day to you guys. But as always, babies, thank you for everything. If you guys need anything, don't forget. Link in.

show notes. You can join the courses, whatever. And oh my God, I forgot to mention, in the trenches. Submit your stories. In The Trenches at Sabrina Zohar.com. Send us the screenshots. Send us your stories. Send us your stories. She's one of my really good friends. We've got Nicole Bayer coming up for an In the Trenches. We've got some of amazing Ali Jackson. We've got some awesome people coming up for In the Trenches. And I'm super excited to expand and keep doing this. So guys, please send in your stories, send in your screenshots. Let us know. And make them along. Like, don't make them too long. Don't make them a dissertation. But like, don't give me a sentence. Like, give it to me. me, baby. And let us help you because I want to help you guys in a different way. It doesn't always have to be heavy psychology and studies. Sometimes we could just have a little bit of fun. So thank you guys for everything. Please don't forget. Share the show with your friends. Rate and review it. And as always, guys, I'm so fucking grateful. And thank you for showing up as you and allowing me to show up as me. So until next time, babes.