The Sabrina Zohar Show - 123: How To Date Intentionally and Find a Healthy Relationship — In the Trenches with Ali Jackson

Episode Date: February 11, 2025

Ever found yourself obsessing over someone who doesn’t make you feel secure? Struggling with long-distance dynamics or wondering if you’re stuck in limerence? This episode is your reality check. Sabrina sits down with the unapologetically honest Ali Jackson, creator of @findingmrheight, to answer YOUR burning questions straight from the trenches. From navigating long-distance situationships to decoding mixed signals and handling the dreaded “I’m not ready for a relationship” talk, we’re cutting through the noise with raw, unfiltered advice. What You'll Learn: Long-Distance Reality Check: Is it worth it? What signs should you never ignore? Limerence vs. Genuine Connection: Are you truly into them or just the fantasy? How to Bring Up Exclusivity: Without feeling like you're 'ruining' anything. When to Walk Away: Spotting red flags in situationships and casual flings. The Truth About Waiting for Someone: (Hint: Stop.) Get Involved: Got a question for Sabrina? Send your dating dilemmas, screenshots, or situationships to [e-mail] for a chance to be featured in the next episode. Stuck After the Podcast? Master Implementation in 8 Weeks with Sabrina's Foundation Course HERE! Do you feel like your emotions run the show and react in ways you can’t control? Join the Nervous System 101: Navigating the Unknowns In Early Dating from Sabrina and Masha Kay HERE! Struggling with a breakup? Join the Make It Make Sense: Getting Through a Breakup course from Sabrina and Britt Frank HERE! Get Ad free HERE! Want to work with Sabrina? HERE! Don't forget to follow Sabrina and The Sabrina Zohar Show on Instagram and Sabrina on TikTok! Video now available on YOUTUBE! Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formally known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A.Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, hello, hello. And welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar Show. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. Welcome back, babes. We're in the trenches again together and I am so freaking excited. We have Finding Mr. Haidt, the one and only, Allie Jackson. She came all the way from New York to come and record with us and we answered all of your questions. We talk a lot about long distance relationships, all the questions you guys have.

And so don't forget, send in your questions, your screenshots, your profiles, in the trenches at Sabrinazohar. dot com. That way we can help you every single month. You guys get this extra bonus episode where we get to be in this with you and give you advice from the front line. So I'm super excited and really grateful for you guys. As always, please don't forget, rate and review the show. Please speak with kindness if you're going to do it. We value everybody's opinions. But again, I read every single review. So shout out to all of you guys. Love you. And don't forget to share it with a friend. It means the world and it helps us grow. If you guys need anything, everything will be the link them show notes. We now, here's an announcement, an announcement that you guys would probably be

interested in. One, welcome merch. Ha ha, limited time only, and I'm so excited. But on top of that, we now just added to any course you join, moving forward or have joined, you get a free group monthly coaching call. We heard your pain points. We know that you guys need to help with implementing this. So Sheila is our amazing, amazing coach. And she's actually my IFS and parts work coach. And I work with her directly. And she's going to be leading you guys. So now please know everything will be in the link in show notes. You want to join a course, ask a question, whatever you guys need. I'm here to be by your side. And if it's just to listen to the podcast, Stoke to have you.

Don't forget, follow along on all the social, subscribe on YouTube. And guys, without further ado, let's get right on into it, shall we? Well, hello, Allie. Hello. I am so excited to have you in studio. Welcome to In the Trenches. I am so pumped. I'm honored to be, you know, in this new series of yours.

I'm stoked, dude, because this is their Valentine's Day in the trenches. Oh, okay. I really hope that we can help some folks. But before we dive in, who can you tell our audience who you are, what you do? And I've loved your content for so long. Could you just share a little bit more about you? Thank you. Yeah, I'm Allie Jackson.

You might know me as Finding Mr. Haight on social media, Instagram, and right now, TikTok. But by the time you're listening to this episode, who the fuck knows? Great question. So yeah, I've been making dating content on the internet for a very long time. I actually first started an anonymous blog that was called Finding Mr. Height, but it was like when people were on like WordPress. It was literally like a WordPress blog. Oh, we're aging ourselves. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Anybody out there? Hello? Listening. I did that when I was like 23. And so I'd had that handle and that domain name doing nothing with it after that for quite some time.

And then in 2020, I decided it was going to be my year of accountability and going on dates in January. Of course. It's perfect timing. Where I worked out really well. But I did start talking about dating on the internet and my own dating life and things that I was going through and learning. and therapy and like all this shit. And I just started giving advice that way. And based on my own experience and things that I was learning or fucked up or whatever it is. It's so normalized, which is why I wanted you on

because I was like, we don't need to therapeutize everything. It's like we could also just be like, whoa, I've been here. I wouldn't do this. Take it with a great assault, right? Yeah. And now you're in a relationship. I am. Yeah, it'll be nine months on Sunday, which is crazy.

that at the same time, a year ago, I didn't know this man existed on the planet. Right. Also, I feel like I've known him forever. It is a weird fucking, I'm sure you can relate experience. You're like, oh, I feel like I've known you forever, but it's been like three weeks, but I'm like, I'm here for it. Yeah.

But that's also really like, I think, exemplifying the beauty of like when you just released. Like you said, this time last year, you didn't know he existed. Yes. And like for me, I don't know about you, but I found a lot of magic when I was single. Like, it's hard. You know, like you feel. And it's a very valid. to feel like I really want a partner and I really want somebody. But I really started getting into

the like, wait a minute, at any second, at literally any second, my phone could ding, I walk into a coffee shop, living in that space was actually like more exciting. I agree. It also helped me get over. You know those like short-term things that are so fucking hard to get over because you never knew what they could be? Right. Yeah. They're still hard. Don't get me wrong. But something that I took from them that was really positive was like, oh, I really liked that person in that short of a time. Right. It can have. happen like that. Exactly. And it will happen again. It's not the first, not the last. Exactly. And hopefully the next will not be that shitty. But I will like somebody that much again. 100%. It's like those feelings can still happen, but with someone healthier. Yes. Hopefully.

Yeah, hopefully. Okay. So eventually. I'm curious, actually, before we start, I wanted to ask this one question. What is one thing you learn that changed it all for you that you want to pass off to someone listening? I think it's related to that. Yeah. That's, so I hate the phrase you'll find it when you least expect it. I fucking hate it. We don't say that about anything else. Like if you wanted your dream job, nobody would say like, why don't you delete your LinkedIn? Just don't apply. Right?

Like, that'd be crazy. No, we're like, oh, you should update your resume. You should start sending it out. You should talk to recruiters. You should hire a career coach. All this shit, right? And we don't allow that same grace for effort in our dating life. So I hate that phrase.

And I wish that I could go back and tell myself, it's not that you. you'll find it when you least expect it, but the things are a lot more joyful when you're not expecting it at every turn and like trying to turn over every single rock to see if your future person's going to be under it. It'll happen when you least expect it. It's like, no, it'll happen when you release control to the outcome. When you just show up and you're like, let's watch. No joke.

I met up with Ryan. And when we first met, I was like, we hooked up. I was like, I'm never going to see this guy again. Like, whatever, it was fun. And it just kept progressing because I didn't. Oh, my God, but he has to be the one. And I have to get with him. And we have to.

It's like, no, you didn't have to get me. married to this person, maybe, like, I did a video the other day, and I got, like, quite a lot of positive, but, like, I think a lot of people that didn't understand what the video meant. And I was trying to explain that, like, not every person in your life has to stay in your life forever, right? Like, you can meet somebody and be like, this was fun. I'm not in a place right now. You're not in a place. That doesn't mean that we have to get married. And sometimes it's okay to be like, this person taught me a lot about myself or taught me a lot about what I don't want or what I do, and it's okay to release. I mean, when you think that about friends all the time, I can think back to

best friends that I had that I don't talk to anymore, not because they're bad people, but just because we were best friends and really good for each other for a bit, and now we're not. Yeah, I had the same, like, when my mom got sick. It was like, you were there and supportive, and then I realized after, like, you're not actually a good friend. Yeah, and, like, that doesn't make either of us bad people necessarily. So anyway, that, I think, that releasing of the outcome, that is, I think, what I would want people to take away. and that is not to say that we shouldn't be making effort and figuring out our shit. Yeah.

And like, you know, going out and trying to meet people because you're not going to meet people sit in your living room. Okay. Let's get to some audience questions. Let's do it. Let's help some babes out. Okay. Isabella wrote him.

I met a guy while we were both traveling last August and we hit it off really well. We went on two dates, didn't end up having sex or even kissing. But we continued communication after parting ways. We admitted to liking each other. And at one point, the text, photos and videos got really spicy. However, is the reality of being far away from each. other sunk in. We decided to keep it a friendship for now. We still took frequently, maybe once a week, with varying levels of depth. I'm open to going on dates with other people where I live, but I also

do think there's still something about there with this guy. I've always said, even before meeting this guy, I want to move to where he lives or nearby, but uprooting my life alone, aka without the guarantee of a relationship again, sounds exhausting. I don't think he'd consider moving as well for family reasons. I'm going on a holiday again in a few months' time near him, and I'm almost certain he'd meet up with me. Just morning, and this is a good time to open up talking about testing the waters again romantically or if the ship has sailed or not worth pursuing since it doesn't seem logically possible or am I still stuck in limerance? Any other tips advice is welcomed. Okay, what landed for you? I have been there. I have been there. It is so fun and romantic to meet someone when you're

traveling. I remember I met a guy on spring break in Cancun in college. That's marriage material. So I've been there. That is so wonderful and romantic and your vacation self. You're in Like, fuck it mode. Like, that's great. It doesn't sound to me like this guy is putting in any effort to want to continue to date long distance. That would be the necessary thing. I agree. And if she wants to move to this area because she wants to move to this area, I actually think I would do it.

I would do it without the relationship and not because of. 100%. This is my thing with the long distance thing. Every day people ask and I'm like, okay, I'll be honest with you. It's not my bag. I've done it a bunch of fucking times. And I always end up getting hurt or I over extend. I over give.

I'm the one trying to keep the relationship alive. I'm the one saying I'll buy my ticket. And it's like, or the other person is like 100% in and you're not. And I'm not saying not to have long distance. But what I am saying with long distance is it takes two very willing participants. Yep. Very willing. And it also means that like, because even here, it's like the one thing that got me was like,

we at one point the text photos and videos got spicy. And it's like, girl, I hate to be that person. But like, this guy's pretty much telling you like this was fun. You're here in town. you're here for a good time, maybe not for a long time. We didn't hook up, but he's testing boundaries to see how far he can push. Now, I'll never tell anybody what to do. But I think it's interesting that she said, am I still stuck in limerence?

What do you think? I don't know. I don't actually know if that's even what's going on. I feel like it's just that she is maybe putting more importance onto this guy that she met while traveling than she really feels. Yeah, I know what you mean. I was going to say, it doesn't sound like there's an obsession here or this like fixation, it sounds like you might be giving him a little, he might make him shinier than I think you might be. Because like, we were just saying, when you don't know who they are, I can fill in all

the blanks. Yeah. And I've also done long distance. And I think that is a hallmark of a long distance relationship where you're in vacation mode every time you're together. And it's like shiny and it's fun. And then it's like, okay, but we're not actually doing the relationship because we're on this little trip every time we hang out. And they've only done the one little trip. I, and I've, here's I've been, oh, God, I've been here so many times, whether it be that I was the one traveling or they were the one traveling, right? New York, as you know, it's like, you're always having that. Oh, yeah. I come here every month and you find out that they are like, this is their first time. And the same when I lived in L.A. It was always like, oh, I'm in L.A. every month. No, no, no, come out with me.

And it's like a lot of people, well, this sounds fun in theory, right? Oh, she's so cool. I could do da. Then when they meet and you're like, I don't know that I'm actually going to fly and drive and do this. What I'm hearing from this is like, if you wanted to reach out and be like, hey, I'm going to be in town. Would you want to grab a coffee? Sure. Maybe the distance. Maybe you see him and you're like, I'm actually not that into him. Yeah, best case honestly. Right. And like, don't do dinner and drinks. It's like because that's going to probably lead to the spicy photos becoming spicy video. Yeah, we don't want to go there when we're in this situation.

Correct. Unless you're like, if you came and we're like, I'm not into him, but I want to get dicked down. Oh, fine. Great. I have fun. Go and I don't like. Yeah, I don't suspect that that's going to happen based on the submission, but like maybe. Right, maybe.

But I would say it doesn't seem, she's already admitting and saying it doesn't seem logistically possible. What I would suggest is think of future you. That's my favorite DBT practice. It would truly change everything for me personally. was like, I don't know if I would, like, I would have this where I would have a dude that'd be like, oh, you want to hang out tonight? And I would sit there and be like, wait a minute, okay, it's five o'clock. How am I going to feel at nine o'clock when he leaves my house and I feel like shit? And I just feel like I got used. And this person's clearly only wanting this. And I was like, you know what? That doesn't work for me.

Because I really thought about, is this genuinely aligning with what it is that I want. Does this person have the characteristics that I'm looking for? And how will I feel when they leave? So my concern here is that, like, you were even saying, like, yes, I wanted to move there, but I would not move there if it wasn't going to, you know, like there's a lot of hesitation and trepidation. I'm with you. Move where you want to fucking move. See if that person aligns.

Because when I moved to L.A. right before I came, you know, we all do this. I know we're all guilty of it. Before you move somewhere, you're like, let me make sure I've got like some options. Hey, yeah. And I went on, like, some of the best dates where it was like, I really, yeah, like amazing. I mean, some of these guys, I was like, hubba, hubba. Well, also because dating apps know when you're.

to a place and they show you the best they got. Exactly. They're like, we want you here. And then what ended up happening was like, they were all cool, oh, the hypothetical I was moving. But then when I was like, hey, I got an lease, all of a sudden it was, oh, whoa, you know, babe, I just thought we were having a nice time while you were here. And it's like, there it is. Exactly. And I was like, I was moving anyways. So it was fine to say goodbye. But to put your life and say, like, I would only move there if it was for them, even though I want to move there, it's like, do it for you or don't do it at all. Yeah. I ended up in a, similar but opposite situation. So he was living in D.C., but he literally, legitimately did come to

New York for work fairly often. He worked for like a big company that had locations in both places. And he was moving, transferring to a team in New York later that year. But like six months after we had originally gone on our date when he was in New York. And we dated long distance, but not exclusively, while he was still in D.C. And he was like inviting me down there. Like I went to D.C., he came back up to New York, like, all this stuff. And then he got to New York, and in hindsight, just to be super clear, looking back, there were a lot of, like, I didn't really love how I felt in our communication. Yeah, you're more aware. Yeah. He got to New York, Sabrina. He didn't even tell me he fucking moved. I literally had to send him a text that said, so did you get here?

Hey, friend, are you here? Do you live in my city now? So back to, like, you know, oh, my specific advice be, I understand the feeling of not being able to let something go until you've said it out loud. 100%. I get that. So if that is where Isabella is at, do that coffee like you suggested, I agree. Let's not make it a sexy nighttime thing because then it'll turn into a sexy nighttime thing. I sure will.

Like I said, those photos will become videos. Yep. Do that. And you can say to him, hey, I know we said, you know, friendship, et cetera, I would be interested in actually trying to do this long distance if you're on the same page. I'm with you. And if it's anything but an enthusiastic fuck yeah, let's try this, that's a no. Especially for long distance.

Exactly. I'm with you 100%. At long distance has to be an enthusiastic fuck yeah from both people or it's going to crash and burn. Because you could even say like the reason I even was on the dating apps is because I've been thinking of moving here. Yeah. That was always my goal. Now that we met, it's like I'd love to even pursue this knowing that there's an end

game in sight. Yes. But to your point, a thousand percent, it's like, or even. I honestly do that on a FaceTime if you don't even want to meet up with him. Sure. That works too. Just, I'm with you. Some kind of communication or the other alternative is like, let it go, right?

Yeah. But I think those are the only two sides of the spectrum that I would recommend to be on. This middle ground, she thinks they're maintaining a friendship. You're not friends. You never were. Thank you. I've never understood this like, no, but we can be friends. It's like, but you weren't.

But you weren't. You were, you matched. There's one way. There's only time this has ever worked for me is when both of us are like, I don't feel this. Yeah, me either. We didn't hook up. We didn't do anything. Sure.

And you're like, you're cool, man. But like, even that friendship, it's like, what's the extent of it? Yeah. It doesn't go anywhere. Yeah, I agree. Have you ever had a moment where you think, man, someone should really do something about this? Then you realize maybe that someone is you. Well, with the help of GoFundMe, you can change someone's life.

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Gofundme.com. Shall we go on to the next? Let's do it. You know what I actually love about these questions? Ryan chose some good ones. Is there all episodes we don't have? Oh, I like it. So this is like a coworker one and I'm like, okay?

Here we go. Okay. Sebastian. Co-worker who lives in a different city but works together on projects remotely, came to my city where the office is. and he invited me to go to the ballet show with her on the weekend. I have a spare room, so I offered it to her and she stayed during the weekend. Nothing physical happened during her stay.

Had a good dime at the show. It was my first time at a ballet. We had many long conversations about many topics. I respected her space, and we both made sure not to make flirting comments. I am 41 divorced, co-parent to seven-year-old. She's 10 years younger and works in a different division than me. Therefore, we don't report to each other. She's very good-looking.

Most guys at the company find her attractive. She is direct and friendly. She is seeing someone, but apparently she is not too sure about the guy because they've been dating for a couple of months, and he is already talking about wanting to marry her. Ooh. Yeah. She sent me Christmas and New Year's text messages. Would you advise it's best to keep things friendly the way they are a push for romantic

friendship? Relationship, sorry. For a second, I was like, did I read that? Excuse me? Never been in this conundrum before, so your advice and opinion on this matter so much. Okay. What came to mind? I mean, it is also long distance.

We'll say that first. Makes sense. Co-worker situations to me are almost never worth it. Same. And I'm a former corporate girly. So I have, I've never dated a coworker, but I have, for this reason, because I think it's a bad idea. I don't want HR involved. No.

I just generally think it's a bad idea. I think there is someone else you can find a date that doesn't work at your company, let alone the fact that she doesn't live in your city. She's 10 years younger than you. Like, even is there a, even if you don't directly report to this person, is there potentially a power play dynamic? You work together. Yes. You're here. She came to work with you.

I'm also stuck on the like, she hasn't given any inclination that this is romantic. That was my next thing is that like, technically speaking, one person does have to be the first one to do that. I just don't think it is a good idea. I just don't think it's worth it. I also, I don't hear anything in Sebastian's message about like, oh my God, I think she's incredible. And like, I really. Attractive. Well, everyone in the company thinks she's attractive.

What? So you want, yeah, it's like, so if you can get her, I'm with you. Here's a thing. Her, she's telling you she's dating someone. She didn't say, I'm dating someone, but I have feelings for you. She didn't say, she slept in your guest room as a woman. Because I've always been in the school of thought of like men decide when they want to have a relationship. Women decide when they want to sleep with you, right?

Like, of course, it's not, it's an upset in stone. Of course. Plenty of women decide if they want a relationship too. But at the end of the day, we decide when we're going to have sex. We decide when we're going to fuck. It's not, I mean, consensually, of course. Yeah, obviously. But like as a woman, I could go to a bar tonight and walk home with someone, whereas a guy doesn't always have that same opportunity.

She had the position of power to move this from a friendship to more because she's staying in your home. She had a guest room, right? And he even said, like, we didn't make any flirty comments. And it's like, but how did he said we made, I respected her space. We both made sure not to make flirting comments. How do you know that? How did you both make sure not to? You were respecting what she was doing.

I'm not getting anything from here that this was romantic. I'm not either. and I also picked up on what you did when she told him about the guy that she's dating. The way that he describes it at least didn't feel like, oh, I'm telling him about this to like gauge. It sounded like I would not tell that story to somebody that I was romantically interested in. Same. I would not tell someone that I was romantically interested in that I'm dating someone if I think it's about to end. I was about to say the response would be I'm seeing someone but I'm not feeling it, but this is something I'd want to pursue it, right?

Correct. Or I'd pursue it, right? Like I'd make them. Right. You just overlap a little bit and not tell anyone. Yeah. Don't do that. No, you don't do that.

The New Yorker and us were like, no, no, no, no, trust me. We've been there. I would say, yeah, personally, I'm going to go and have to say I kabash this. Yeah. Same. Yeah. Okay. All right.

Next one. We're going to crush through some of these because a lot of them don't necessarily have this, like, fucking dissertation. And some of them we do. Yeah. Okay. Luna. For the first time ever, I, okay.

I'm just highlighting. I chuckle when certain verbiage of like for the first time ever, it's like, okay, already the pedestal is being put, right? Yep. I found a man that makes me feel 100% seen. In the beginning first month, he said he was really hurt and is terrified to open his heart again, was honest he had a friends with benefit. Fast forward to almost four months later, he gives me all the green flags you talk about. We see each other at least three times a week, exchange Christmas gifts. He even got something for my son, which he hasn't met yet.

Spent New Year's together. How can I bring up being inclusive? Is it too soon? I don't want to ruin something really, really good. But my past trauma are ringing in the back of my mind. All I wonder about is does he still have this friend with benefit, but his action show he cares, send help. Oh, Luna. First of all, my heart is with you and I've been there.

Now, personally, what stuck out for me here, there's a few things. He's the first man that makes you feel 100% seen, but yet you're still too scared to ask him for exclusivity. So then how seen do you feel? And safe. And safe. Like, seen and safe. Seen heard and understood. Safe.

Emotionally, not just physically. So that's it. because like, and also not to mention, in the first month, like in the beginning, anytime I hear the like, I'm terrified of getting hurt, I've been really hurt, my thoughts are like, yo, then you need to go process this and go back to a therapist. Yeah. Like, are you ready then to open up? And then, and also telling you he has a friend with benefits, then what are you guys doing?

Are you talking about like, I want a relationship? I'm super intentional. Like, he's meeting your son and he's around your child, but yet you don't even have clear boundaries about what you guys are. That's really detrimental to your kid as well. I think he hasn't met the son yet. He gave him a Christmas gift, but he hasn't met him yet. Oh, I don't know.

She said he even got something for my son. Okay, cool. I hope so. I hope so, right? Good call. I didn't see that one. But I'm hopeful that he didn't mean. I've heard others.

So that's why. Oh, yeah, totally. But I totally understand. Listen, your fear is normal because you're a human. I don't want to ruin something really, really good. But here's the thing. What are you ruining if it's that good? You won't.

If you ruin it, it wasn't that good. Thank you. You didn't ruin. Frankly, frankly, actually, I'm going to rephrase that. you're not going to ruin it because there was nothing to ruin. And I say that flippantly, but I've been there, Luna, like I really have. 100%. Even with the same timeline and spending New Year's with someone. Same. Same. I've had it to her like right after we end it. And you're like, what the fuck?

I did it on. I asked him, not asked him, because I don't believe in asking somebody, I believe in saying what you want, which we'll get to. But anyway, on New Year's Day, after we'd spent New Year's together and didn't get the answer that I was looking for. Yeah. So I really feel for her. I, why the fuck does she know about his friends with benefit? That's, thank you. That's kind of my like, he was open about that.

He had a friend with benefits and it's like, wait, wait. What? This person that's trying to build an authentic relationship with you that's terrified of getting hurt, but he's telling you about another person he's fucking? I'm so confused. If somebody told me that, I think I would literally be like, why did you tell me that? I had one when I met Ryan. And it was the type of thing where, like, he would visit. And it's like anytime he was in town, this guy was so, he was just so hot.

And like, it was very clear that like he was like emotionally unavailable is the nicest way I could put it. But like it was just a, like we just had the best time. Oh, yeah. So fun. And I've never fucking told Ryan about that. When we started after three weeks, I told this guy, I was like, goodbye, no, I'm gone. Why would you tell that? The only reason that I can see that you tell somebody about that is because you are setting the expectation.

that what you're doing with this person is not going anywhere. Because if you have, like you said, if you have any intentionality or even hope of building a legitimate, I shouldn't say legitimate, because many relationship structures are legitimate. But if you have any hope of building a monogamous, let's say, or more serious relationship with someone, you're not telling them that before it's any of their business. And prefacing with, I'm terrified to open in my heart again and I've been hurt. Again, what I hear from those are like, those are, that someone says. setting the stage for a really swift exit down the road of like, but I told you I was.

Yep. Right. And they're not wrong is the thing that sucks the most about this because I've been in this situation where somebody has verbally told me some of these things, not exactly the same thing, but like similar, right? But then their actions are saying something different, which is what's happening with Luna, I think. Yeah.

And we hear the action speak louder than words advice. Thank you for calling it. It's not true. It's not true. It's not true. This is the example. Yes. Words need to match actions. And I think what we do a lot of times is we look at someone's words and we look at someone's actions and we like more. Yeah, yeah. And we're like, well, that one matters more.

100%. I'm glad you said it because like, I hate actions speak louder than words. I'm like, no, I want them to align because that's called consistency. If my partner says, I'll be there for you and then he shows up, it's like your actions and words aligned. Yep. That's what even when she said, his actions show he care and I'm like, but what are his words also saying to you? Are they aligned, right? And then here's also the thing. It's like, you could ask, right? this is what I mean by like what safety and seen or what how do you feel 100% seen with somebody if you're scared of saying hey are you still fucking that other person because here's my question did you have an intimacy talk of like are we going to use condoms are we not using condoms

when's the last time you got tested i really hope so right those are all that's what came to my mind originally was like wait a minute what's the safety component here if you're still not sure that he's hooking up with someone else again and like you said earlier it's not you don't ask somebody what you want you say here i would love to be exclusive and in a relationship with you. I wasn't sure where, for one, where you stand. And two, if you're still hooking up with that person, I'd love to open the conversation. And I think we can go back to your advice about thinking about future you. I love future you. Future you, it's my favorite. If you think about future you two months from now, three months from now,

and you're still in this situation and you didn't ask, and you're only getting more and more invested the more time goes on. And the answer doesn't change just because you didn't ask the question. As mentioned earlier, the person that I've been dating for nine months, I didn't know a year ago. So, so much can happen in a year. So much can happen in less than a year. I'll tell you two years. A little over two years now, I would never have thought I'd be sitting in this year talking to about what we're talking about. Yes.

But it won't happen if you don't move on from the thing that's not actually what you want. Case, Kenny, said it beautifully. I don't know if you ever heard him say this. He said, having the conversation will give you what you want or what you need. He was like, it'll give you what you want, which is them or it give you what you need, which is clarity. And that is a win-win. 1,000 percent. I love that. And it will get you closer to what you want eventually because you'll find out if this thing is what you want or not. People ask all the time. I'm sure you can relate

when I say this of like, how did you get this relationship with Ryan? I'm like, because I've always shown up like this. First date, asking him the tough questions of like, how'd your last relationship and? What did it teach you about yourself? Like, you know, what are your attentionalities with dating? Do you want kids in marriage? Because if he was like, no, I'm like the one guy dated that said, I got a vasectomy and ever want them again, oh, okay, well, that wouldn't work. And he was like, I'm never reversing it. It's like, okay, well, then that's data for me to go, oh, then either we're compatible because I'm yay or we're not because I'm nay. Yes. So important to show up from the beginning. A thousand percent. And I didn't always show up from the beginning.

to crawl same. And therefore, have learned a lot. That's where our stories come from. Literally. I couldn't give this advice if I'd always done it, right? I only recently with the man, same with you, it's like only recently when you become an adult. And that's also kind of goes back to like, I don't mean to age, but like we're in our 30s now. Point of the story being like life doesn't stop at 29 into 30 and all of a sudden, that's it. It's like, thank God. Like my life started in my 30s. Same. So, and it could be your 40s. It could be your 50s. Like how many times we hear the stories of like, I saw one. It was like somebody became like a person. professor at 75. It's like your life starts at any point. It's just a matter of when you're willing to put the pen down to the paper on that point. Yeah. I didn't even realize. So my dad passed away when I was 31. That feels right. 31, 32, something like that. Early 30s. I had never really been in therapy before before that. Dabbled here and there, but never thought it was like my thing. And then went to

therapy, grief therapy originally, which transitioned into a whole lot of else. And I realized I had a whole lot of other shit that was coming up a lot more because of the grief that I was dealing with. It was like long-distance relationship actually that like really was like, I was like, oh, I'm fucked up. I have to deal with something. It becomes, you're like, that mirror is hard to avoid. Yeah. And so all of that, like that happened in my 30s where I really realized, oh, wow, like I want to show up differently so that I can get something different. 100%. That's it. Thank you. Okay. Been talking casually dating this guy since last August, vived from the get-go. He's in a band and they're about to be touring this.

this year, which means more time committed to that. He let me know he can't be in a romantic serious relationship right now because of all that, but he still wants to hang out and etc. But also knows it's not fair to me and what I deserve, his words. I believe him because he's shown he wants to hang out and meet up. How do I know if waiting around will ever become more? The end goal would be a relationship and I think he could be the one. Just not sure if I should put all my eggs here since I'm not dating otherwise or should I venture out. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Oh my God. Leave this man behind immediately. Veronica, no. Veronica, no. I think both. You had a resounder.

No, baby. First of all, how do I know if waiting around will ever become more? You don't. You don't. You don't. And you don't wait for somebody because you are putting your life on hold for a band guy. That is, like, let me tell you. I'm not going to say all band guys do this, but I know a thing or two about men and musicians and people that are in bands.

He's going on tour. He's going on tour. You're fucking a lot of people. Like, I'm sorry. Let's just call it what it is. And he called it what it is. He said it. He literally told you he was going to be fucking people on tour because he doesn't, that's likely the reason.

He said it's not fair in what I deserve. I had this the other day. Someone was like, this guy told me he's not ready for a relationship, but I really believe. And it's like, no, no, no, you're not believing him. Believe his words. That's, I don't mean to be rude, but that's like delusion, right? You're being the whole like, ha ha, delulu. It's like, but it's not cute.

You're not believing this person. And now you're putting your life on hold for somebody that is telling you, I'm not going to do that. And here, really, I'd love to know. What makes you think he's the one? I agree. And I also, I am not even faulting this man at all. Homeboy didn't do anything. He did nothing wrong.

He is about to go on tour. That is so exciting. He's going to go be single on tour. Good for him. You fucking go, guy. And he said to you, I can't give you a relationship because I'm about to go do this. Yeah. Okay, let him go do that.

100%. To me, I couldn't agree more. Like, the minute I saw he said this, it's like, one thing I've learned about men. in my day is men are not going to sacrifice getting laid by telling you the truth, right? If a guy's saying, I don't want anything with you, he's not going to say that if he doesn't mean it, because then that means he's going to potentially lose you. Oh, yeah. No, he means that. He means it. I, and the thing is like, could it?

I mean, you could win the lottery tomorrow, but I'm not betting my salary on it. Right? I, if this guy is, quote unquote, the one, which I agree with you, I see nothing in the submission that, but maybe, maybe, right? Maybe there's shit she left out. Who knows? He will still be in a year, or however long I forget how long the tour is. Yeah. Yeah.

He will still be when he gets back. And if you are still in a place having not waited around, having done your thing, if you are still in a place to be open to that, great. Right. That I, one of the things. So I like thinking about future me. One of the phrases that I like to use a lot too, though, is that's a future me problem. Yeah, exactly. And that's the future you that makes sense to not have any control.

control over because you're like, listen, I, but here's the thing. You know what I can't think of? Future me is going to be stoked that I made this decision and said, I'm not waiting. No. I don't believe in the way. You don't wait for somebody. Right person wrong time. No, what makes them the right person is that they're in your life at the right time? It is the right time. Yeah. If it's not the right time, it's not the right person. No. And like, isn't, could it come years later, absolutely. Like you said, he could come back from Tor and say, I sewed my oats. I am here. I am now. I am ready. But like, I know one of my friends actually, he used to be my friend of benefits years ago, like early 20s. And he was a tribe. Same thing. Musician and traveling,

homeboy was a gypsy. And like to this day, the only reason he is in a relationship is because she got knocked up. And he's in his, he's like 45 when she got pregnant. This is years ago when I still lived in New York. And to show you, and I'm sharing the story just to show, to show you, he was moving to go live with her for the kid. They had only had three dates. She got knocked up and they were like, let's do it. They said, listen, if we're in a relationship and it works great, if not, we'll co-parent. Okay. So they were going to go.

I respect that. We hung out. It was a last night in town. We hadn't hooked up for like three years at that point. It was very like, we were the only, the only, he was the only person that I was like, I could genuinely be friends with him because like we should never have hooked up. You know what I mean? Yeah.

That was a, yeah, that was a me just being desperate for attention and love, but like he wasn't the person I really wanted to do that with. He was leaving the next morning and I'll never forget. He left my house and he texts me and goes, I forgot to ask you, would you like to like fool around and have fun naked one last time before I go. And I wrote him and I said, no, I'm good. Thank you. I'm sorry, one last time before you go to live with your future baby's mother?

Oh, go, oh, go. And this is, and he was a musician. He was in a band. And I'm not saying every musician is like this. But what I am saying is like, when someone is this honest with you and saying I'm touring it, please believe them. Believe them.

I actually have a lot of respect for this guy. Me too. That he was so upfront and honest with her. And you know what? Here's my issue. This is why I hear guys say like, you know, what's the point? saying and it's like because there are people that like don't respect that. Ryan's told me he's like,

I have been so clear in the past telling girls like, this isn't going to change. Please stop trying to change. And he's like, and he's like, and they still fucking try. They still keep going. And he's like, at that point, he's like, I feel like an asshole because I've been so honest and you're not listening to me. Yeah. Yeah. And that is the time when I would say to the guy, like, you know that you're hurting her and you should walk away even though you've been honest. But like at this point, please. Veronica, no. Just baby, walk away. Okay. Hope this reaches you. You've helped me massively this year after coming out of a 10-year relationship in February, then entering the dating scene in July after moving countries. I am so happy to help. Oh, that's excited. Yeah. I get attached to the first person I dated who happened to be a really,

really great guy, but I also 100% experienced limerance, then realized what it was and called off the relationship because it was physically hurting me. He was a secure guy, so of course he accepted and gladly moved on. How is this turning into a question? Also, it doesn't really make sense because you had limerence on someone that was super safe and supportive and secure. It's like, then what was the limerance? What was the obsession with them? Yeah. Typically, limerance comes when there's not that present because you don't obsess over someone

that's really safe. That's there for you. Right, because then it's like, oh, that just sounds like then maybe your anxiety pushed him away, right? I don't know that this is limerance. Maybe. Or, yeah. I don't know, whatever. Yeah.

That's not matter. Maybe it doesn't matter? We'll see what's the question. Okay. And then I had him, so she says, he was secure guys. And so he, of course, accepted this and gladly moved on. Gladly moved on. And then I had a massive panic attack.

and regretted it instantly. Did the work over the past few months and went no contact. Got a really, got into a really, really great place, came to terms with it. Then just got the Christmas text. Ugh. And I'm right back thinking about him constantly. His messages don't indicate starting anything again. Wish me a very Merry Christmas and said he missed my company. Why do men do this? Text out of the blue. I mean, people text out of the blue because they're lonely. Thank you. They're bored. They're lonely. They're seen you naked before. That's just not a why do men do this. It is a people do this. I have done it in my past. Same. People do this.

Same. I think it is less about wondering why they're doing it and more about thinking about how did that make me feel and what do I want to do now rather than like obsessing over the intentionality behind someone's text. You're self-abandoning at that point because you're so focused on what they're doing but you're not looking at yourself. And like Britt Frank always says, let's reframe the why to I don't like. Okay, cool. I don't like that he did this and he texts me. I'd like, okay, what don't I like about it? Well, he's not trying. He's not being intentional. Okay, so then I don't need to engage in this anymore. Nope.

Right? Because the more we try to understand them, the further from ourselves we're getting. Because as far as I'm concerned, somebody's sending Merry Christmas, it's the lowest fucking hanging fruit. The chances that I'm the only person he sent that to are very low. I was what I was going to say, especially when there's no name associated or I've missed you. It's like, okay, what did you miss?

Give me. I'd like a list. What did you miss about me? And like, I guess that's why I'm like, there's a lot of disconnection here because you ended it with this really secure guy, but he gladly ended it. It's like, wait, I'm confused. Like, he gladly ended it. It's like, so then how safe and secure was this person?

It's like, are we maybe misconstruing behavior as safe? And that's okay. I'm not shaming or blaming anybody. But when I read things like this, I understand that I got attached to this person. Okay, so it was more outcome driven and that's fine. But whatever the terminology is, it's like, I think even just looking and saying, I ended it, but then I had a massive panic attack, I regretted it. And I'm like, I'm a little confused as to what you.

genuinely, what did you regret and slash, what did you even have? I was wondering the same thing of did you, it would be one thing if she said, I ended things with this really great guy because of my own shit and having worked through that shit, I am curious if we maybe could try again. But that shouldn't be sparked by his Merry Christmas text. No, it should be sparked by a, hey, I know you ended it with me, but I can't tell, I wanted to tell you, I haven't stopped thinking about you. And I would love nothing more than to take you out to dinner and have a conversation.

are you free? Yeah, or on her end. You know, exactly. If she, like, is his Merry Christmas text the only thing that is now having her think about him again? I agree. Or has she been the one regretting ending things with him because she just wasn't in a good place, whatever it is? And she wants to try again, in which case you should start that conversation. 100%. I would say, Alice, I think it – the why doesn't matter.

No, no, it does not. The why in this doesn't matter. What matters is it doesn't work for you, then don't engage, right? And like she said, if he's not, I've gotten those texts before. You're like, what do you do? Because what it is, they're fishing. They're fishing to see if you're going to be like, I know I missed you too. Oh, well, do you want to hang out? And it's like, no, motherfucker.

You miss me. Then come with more intentionality than that. Yeah. And it is slightly different here, I think, because she ended things. Yeah, but still, I feel like if you're going to reach it. But then even that on that, you're going to reach out. She ended it with you. And then you're going to reach out and go, Merry Christmas missed you, but not be like,

hey, I know you ended. Like, not call out the elephant in the room of like, I hope I'm not disrespecting by reaching out or even on her being like, hey, I'm not interested in this conversation. Or I've missed you. I actually, I regret my decision. Yes. Like you said, she can step up and say how she felt. Yes.

I'm with you. Okay. Hi, Sabrina. Hope you are well. Me and Tech Guy answered one of their questions before, so they would like to hear a current opinion on their life. Okay. So I don't know what the question was exactly, but we're going to go with this one.

I was introduced to someone by a mutual friend. There were a lot of similarities when we had some fun conversations. But when we said goodbye, I had no desire to go for a kiss, so I assume she's a great person, but not my person. I understand it, but at the same time, it's like, that's a quick judgment. Yeah, that's fast, but okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's fine. And like, it happens. Like, I understand. Yeah. We kept in touch because she is a massage therapist and I will be going to school for

massage therapy. She's, since she is also a Reiki master, I thought it would be interesting to have a massage. After the last session, we were chatting and decided to grab food. During lunch, she asked, how do I deal with conflict? I answered it and asked her for her answer to it as well. I felt the question put us both on the spot. And after I thought, she, after I thought, should I have canned response to this question so that I can feel comfortable if asked again? A few days later, I had dinner with a friend of 15 years and thought we have had conflict and I know how they handle it. I wonder if these deep questions should be asked directly or should I watch her behavior and listen to her stories about other people to get

insight and how they behave and make my own conclusion of how they handle conflict. So is he asking like, should he be asking that type of question? Yes. Or does he just let their behavior tell him? I don't think we need to. to have the pendulum swing either way. No. I think it's an interesting question. If somebody asked me, how do I handle conflict? I'd be like, directly.

I'm really not a fan of passive-aggressive, and I'm the first person that's going to ask you what's going on. I don't want to read your body language. I want you to just tell me with your words. And that's the type of communication that I want. Yeah, I think I also am curious what his answer is. Same. And why that question put him on his heels a little bit.

I agree. And I'm curious if that's because he's not comfortable with how he handles conflict. Agreed. that to me that's why I was like what are we hiding what do we oh should I maybe just watch their behavior it's like yeah no here's a thing sure you could do both right you can have a conversation of it because I love when I get people that are like they'll just give you the answer you want to hear and I'm like so they know what everyone wants to hear no they don't yeah I've heard I've had plenty of people tell me like I don't I don't like conflict or I try to avoid it I don't want drama and you're like oh so you don't

handle out got it got it got it you want to avoid yeah or there are people who one of the things that I think is really interesting about people is whether they want to hash every out in the moment always, or if there's somebody who needs to, like, take a beat, gather their thoughts, because neither of those things is wrong. No, but in the extremes, they can be, right? Oh, for sure. So it's like, of course, right? If we have the super avoidant where you're like, now, you can't go five days without

acknowledging this or the really anxious. It's like, hey, man, take a fucking minute, go regulate for a second. You don't need to act out of emotion. Yeah. But I'm with you. It's like, like, for me, I'm very direct. I want to handle it that evening or the next morning. Some people could say that doesn't work for me.

And like, that's okay. I'm totally cool with you. handle things how you want it, that just means we're not compatible. Yeah. I've had conversations, my boyfriend, I call him Skyland. So Skyland and I've had conversations about conflict, which we haven't really had a big conflict yet. We probably will at some point. It's inevitable. But we talked about how both of us want to go to bed mad after a connection. So we're like, we want to, you know, hug or kiss or like reassure each other that we're still in this. But if I'm tired, I am a way worse person. So like I don't want to feel. I don't want to

fight when I'm super tired. If we need to go to bed, like, I would much rather get a good night sleep and do it the next morning. Some people, though, wouldn't be able to sleep and then they want to hash it out. So I don't, I don't think that it is necessarily that they're going to tell you what you want to hear because you're right. How would they know? How would they know that I feel I want to go to bed mad? Right. Like Ryan and I had like a Tiff the other day and it was like, I needed in an hour. And I was like, I had two clients and I was like, I'm going to go focus on my clients and I'm going to go to the gym after. And I was like, and then we'll talk because I need to distract, regulate, and then like come back to myself, he would have, he would have

been like, can we just never talk about it again? But it's like, we understand that conflict means repair. Yeah. Conflict is not, and that's another. How I respond is like conflict, if somebody asked me to handle conflict, I'd be like, I'm not scared by it because I know that that leads to repair and that leads to connection and that leads to a deeper intimacy between us. Yeah, a thousand percent. Also, I find it interesting that he was thrown off by the question in a situation that wasn't like a date. Right. Because I also think your conflict style depends on who the person is and what the relationship is like. It's funny.

We actually just aired an episode of my podcast about conflict today. It aired. And we talked a lot about the Gottman's have a lot about conflict. The forehorsmen and shit. Yeah. And it matters who the person is. And how important is that relationship? How important is the issue that you're conflicting on?

Yeah. Because that's not the right way to use that verb, but whatever. Because sometimes if I'm having a conflict with someone, but it's not that important. to me and I can tell it's really important to them. I'm like, all right. Yeah, thanks. Yeah, we'll just do it your way. That's fine. And legitimately it is. It's different if you're avoiding something that's not fine. Sometimes you're, choose your battles. You're like, this isn't worth it. Like, okay, you know, fine, I'll give it to you. Or sometimes you're like, no, we're going to talk about this. Yeah, I do my mom all the time. I'm like, she really cares

about a lot of stuff that I'm staying with her currently, so it's top of flight. Yeah. She really cares about a lot of stuff in her house that I don't care about. So I'm like, you know what, to your house and I don't really care. Right. The conflict, you're like, I'll repair it like this. I'm with you. I think if we're scared about answering questions, to your point, what are we scared about the answer, right? For me, it's like, I'm not scared of being rejected by somebody if I give the wrong answer because then that's not my person. You're not for me if I say something and you don't like it. It's like, that's okay, then we're not compatible. A thousand percent. I also don't think it needs to be like part of his question was should I be asking these questions? I don't think you have to ask, frankly, anything. But especially this particular question, I don't know that it's like, oh, definitely ask that.

Yeah, for me, I'm like, it's a question you can ask, right? Like, if you want to know more about someone, it's like, that's one of 50 that I could give you in fucking six seconds. But it's not the like, you need to know this. It's like, no, because you will see how they handle conflict when you go to them and say, hey, this really upset me. And then when they're deflecting, you're like, oh, you avoid, got it. So I'm with you. I think it's like, you can't ask it totally. I don't think should.

We don't need to blame or shame and make you have to ask anything. It's like, you don't have to ask shit. Because here's my other thing. what's your priorities? What's more important to you? If conflict and repair is really big and you're like, I don't fuck with this, right? Because, like, for me, what's a non-negotiable in conflict is like, we don't curse at each other. Yep.

Right? I've never said, I've only once said, fuck you. And like he, even, he was like, oh, it was very warranted what he said to me. And that was it. But I've never been like, you fucking asshole, your piece of shit. Never, because I respect my partner. I've said the word, I've said every curse word in a sentence. Yeah.

Like your behavior is bullshit and this fucking hurts me, but I would never attack my partner or their character. That's the stuff we want to look at. Yeah. I had a partner once who we used to fight so much. It was the highest conflict relationship I've ever been in. I hated it. And I once asked him, is this normal for you?

And he was like, yeah. Like love is, you know, a roller coaster or whatever. I'm like, oh, fuck, no, it's not. Like, I hate this. But something that really pissed me off when we used to fight is that I'm similar. to you, I throw curse words into sentences, when I'm not mad. I just think it's a, they're a fun, you know, emphasis. You're from New York. Yeah. So like, I do that, right? He would say things that were really hurtful, but not using curse words. And then I would say something like, that's fucking

ridiculous. And he would be like, if you could not curse at me. Oh, my God. I'm like, okay. That's the control. Like, you just said something that was so shitty, but you didn't happen to use a curse word. And so it was okay. That's deflection. Thank you for. joining us. Can you share where people can find you, if they can work with you or not? Like, how do you help? Yes, this was so fun. I enjoyed all the questions. Thanks to everyone who wrote in. Love these. So I am at Finding Mr. Height, Mr. M.R. on Instagram and maybe TikTok, if you're listening, we'll see. And yeah, I do dating coaching and relationship coaching. Finding Mr.height.com is where you can find all that information. And my podcast is Finding Mr. Height,

the podcast. Perfect. Thanks, thanks, gal. Thanks for tuning in, and we'll see you guys next month. Thanks.