The Sabrina Zohar Show - 129: How to Stop Overreacting in Relationships and Improve Emotional Intelligence

Episode Date: March 14, 2025

Ever wondered how emotional intelligence can transform your relationships? Join Sabrina as she unravels the complexities of emotional intelligence, how it manifests in our connections, and why it is a game-changer. In this enlightening episode, Sabrina not only defines emotional intelligence but also provides concrete tools and techniques to help you strengthen your emotional connections and self-awareness. With anecdotes and practical advice, this episode is a treasure trove for anyone looking to enhance their relational dynamics. Throughout the episode, Sabrina dives deep into the four advanced pillars of emotional intelligence—self-awareness, regulation, empathy, and conflict navigation. She shares insights from leading psychological research, offers practical exercises like emotional pattern tracking and reframe techniques, and shares personal stories to illustrate the profound impact of emotional intelligence. Whether you're facing texting anxiety, navigating conflicts, or striving for more empathetic communication, this episode equips you with the necessary tools to navigate your emotional landscape. Don't miss out on this opportunity to build stronger, more fulfilling relationships! MERCH IS NOW AVAILABLE! Stuck After the Podcast? Master Implementation in 8 Weeks with Sabrina's Foundation Course HERE! Do you feel like your emotions run the show and react in ways you can’t control? Join the Nervous System 101: Navigating the Unknowns In Early Dating from Sabrina and Masha Kay HERE! Struggling with a breakup? Join the Make It Make Sense: Getting Through a Breakup course from Sabrina and Britt Frank HERE! Get Ad free HERE! Want to work with Sabrina? HERE! Don't forget to follow Sabrina and The Sabrina Zohar Show on Instagram and Sabrina on TikTok! Video now available on YOUTUBE! Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formally known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A.Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar Show. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. Hi, babes. Welcome back to another week of solos. And this week, this month actually, we're going to start like another little mini series and I'm really trying to build on episodes, which is why it's like we come back every week and we have more that we can learn and build on.

So I start a little basic and then we add to it. And this week we're talking about what the fuck is emotional intelligence, how does it manifest in relationships? and why it's so important. And then I have tools, right? The whole episode is champ-packed with different tools, different techniques, different things that you can do. And I'm fucking stoked.

So if you guys need anything, as always, everything is in the link in bio. You can join one of the three courses. We have a nervous system course, a breakup course, or a foundation course, if you really want to dive in deep and work with me in some capacity. And as always, if you guys need anything, it's all in the show notes. Please, guys, don't forget, rate and review the show. Share it with a friend. As always, please speak with kindness when we're going to leave reviews.

I appreciate everybody's thoughts and opinions, and I think we could do that in a kind way. All right. Without further ado, let's get right the fuck on into it, shall we? Hi, babes. Welcome back. I hope you guys are doing well. We are well into the fucking year, which is still wild because I'm still processing 2022. So here we go. But I really wanted to do today's episode on emotional intelligence, window of tolerance, because I think so many of us are like, yeah, what are you talking? Like, what is that? How do you even describe that? Does that just mean I can't feel? And it's like, no. not at all. And I'm excited. I'm excited because emotional intelligence is what changed everything for me,

and it's really what helped me become the best version of myself. But I really quickly just wanted to show you something that tech guy got me. For anybody watching on YouTube, you'll see this. And if not, you can just be here in spirit. My Clemby sweater. I had Clemmy's anniversary, and Ryan knew that I was really sad because I didn't have him here. And he got me the sweater, and it says, always by my side on the sleeve, and it has my Clemoney's face. I thought, I'm so, it's so, it excited. And, you know, let me also show you the new merch that we got. It's all available right now, babes. If you want to support the show, we got stuff for you, we got pullovers, we got t-shirts, we got cute ass mugs, we got candles, we got totes, we got it all. And so I'm just grateful.

I'm excited. And I kind of also, before we kind of dive into the episode, I wanted to hit a pain point because I hear it. I've gotten a couple of DMs, we've gotten some comments, we've gotten some reviews on it. And I wanted to clarify where you guys can find the information. So a couple people left some not ideal reviews, but here we are. It's okay. Saying that they don't feel like I give them tools to regulate their nervous system and why aren't you telling us how we can do it. And I'm going to just be honest. There's two ways that you could do this. And one, there's a free guide in the link in my bio when you go down wherever you are, it's the stand store. There's a free guide on self-soothing techniques.

Those are different things that you could do to regulate your nervous system. But the reality is just doing those things doesn't just make everything okay. But the reason that Masha and I created the nervous system course was for this, right? And I love you guys and you know I am here for you, but not everything in life is free. Right? Like the equivalent would be if you're watching a fitness trainer on a live, are you going to ask that person to program for you? No, like this, but you hire somebody to do that. You pay them money for that expertise for them to do that for you.

And it's the same with our courses. The nervous system course is not 101, meaning you just learn the basics of the nervous system. They hit the pain points of anxiety with texting, defining the relationship, being able to sit in the discomfort. The breakup course is very strategically designed to give you all the tools and the steps and the worksheets and the workbooks that you'll need to move on from a breakup. And the foundation course, the same thing. It's there to help you build, understand your patterns, limiting beliefs, inner child work. And so I just want you guys to know that these options are available for you. The courses are available.

But it's not just going to be podcast episodes where everything is given because the reality is not everything in life can be given that way. And sometimes we do need to invest in ourselves. And I'm really excited, guys. I'm actually going to get certified in NARM. So myself, I'm going to invest. I'm paying a shit ton of money to go learn and to do this because I could Google all day and I could YouTube and I can look up, listen to a podcast, but I want to learn the right way from the people who have studied this.

So I just wanted to clarify, the options are there. It's not that I'm ignoring you guys, not that I'm not listening, but I just wanted to share where they are. You got the free guide. And if you love that, great. And then we have the courses. So just wanted to give that. So let's dive right the fuck on in as to what is emotional intelligence, right?

So you might think love is all about chemistry and compatibility, but the truth is, lasting relationships depend on how well you understand and manage your reaction to your emotions and how you respond to your partners. You know, and that's why it's so important that we talk about emotional intelligence, what it is, what it does, why does it matter, what tools that we can have, right? And I know for me, like, for years, I was really reactive. My mama would always say that. She was like, Sab, it's not the message. It's the delivery. and I would just go, god damn bad shit crazy. Like I would just, and not crazy, you know what I mean?

But it's not a nice word. But more so just, I was very anxious and my anxiety really showed and I did not know how to manage my reaction to emotions. That your emotions are very valid, what your feeling is valid. It doesn't mean it's factual, though, right? And so let's really kind of talk about the neuroscience where attachment means neuroscience, right? So the example that I have is like, your partner forgets chicken with you or seems distant. Okay, right? very normal human behavior, right? There are so many times where Ryan and I'll be sitting next to

to each other and I'm like, hey, do you hate me? Right? I'm like, do you love me? And he's like, Sab, really? And I'm like, well, tell your face that. And that's just, and that's nothing to do with anything that he did. But that's my brain reacting as if it's in danger. Because this isn't just attachment. This is literally survival for some of us. And for me, that's how I grew up. That was the same old, same old. And every time I would date somebody, I didn't really understand how to sit in discomfort. I didn't really understand the connection between how I was handling things and what was coming off. And I really wish people understood like how this shit does play out, right? Like how it manifests for other people. You know, it's the same as like, I did this post that, like, why

avoidance aren't villains. And it's like some people were so charged with like, they are villains. I've dated three and they've all done this. And they say I'm too much. And they say this. And like, they're the bad ones. And it's like, yeah, but you're not managing any of your emotions right now. Like you are just throwing it all on paper. And that's okay, right? I will meet you guys where you're here. It's like, I don't internalize this. I know 99% of the interactions I have in a day, especially on the internet, are projections, right? Same with me.

Like, this is how the world works. This is how psychology is. It's how humans are. But nonetheless, what I really saw was I was like, oh, well, wait, you're not taking feedback. If you're consistently getting told, you're clingy, you're needy, you're doing this. It's like, I'm not saying that that person is correct in the verbiage that they're using. I don't like those words.

But what I would look at is, wait a minute, is this a pattern? This person said three people that they've dated. all said that, but no, it's them, that's the problem. Where's the disconnect here, right? For me, again, no one's blame and no one's shame. It's about accountability of being like, oh, shit, if three people in a row that I've dated are all the same patterns, I go for the same people, I go with people that then tell me I'm too needy and too clingy. That doesn't mean that I necessarily am, but that means that I'm going after somebody who doesn't have the bandwidth for me. And there might be some elements of truth, right? Like when I was dating and people would say that,

weren't wrong. I was. I was because I wasn't managing my reaction. I was just reacting, right? I was just, why aren't you answering me? Why aren't you calling me? What's going on? But I wasn't actually stopping to be like, hey, Zohar, what's your part in this? And I asked that question all the time. What's my part? My sister always tells me, if you're outside of the street is clean, it's all you can really control. It's something else here now, something new. From exclusively on Paramount Plus, it's the series Stephen King calls Scarious Hell. Everything here is impossible, but it's also real. Sci-Fi vision calls it the best show streaming right now.

We're running out of time and we still don't know the rules. Don't miss what the movie blog calls something you need to watch. Saving those children is how we all go home. From Binge All Episodes exclusively on Paramount Plus. And so there's a study done by Dr. Naomi Eisenberg. And she showed that social rejection shows that emotional disconnection activates the same part of the brain as physical pain. And it's really important for us to remember that.

when we are emotionally disconnected, that's why it feels so intense, right? You feel like you're going to come out of your skin. And then there's a ripple effect, right? So emotional intelligence, what does it do? It helps you regulate your emotional triggers. It helps you break conflict escalation cycles. It helps you deepen your emotional intimacy, right? Like, those are all really beautiful things. And they actually show there's a statistic that was done by the American Psychological Association in 2022 that couples with higher EI reports, 20 to 25 percent fewer conflicts and higher relationship satisfaction. And your girl can be the first person to validate that thought because my relationships

prior to having any emotional intelligence were fucking just volatile or really unhealthy. And then now that Ryan and I, like, even this morning, it was so beautiful. This morning I was heating something up. And I said, oh, shit. I was like, I was supposed to be the boiling temperature was supposed to come to 100, and it was 103. And I was like, ah, shit. And it said very clearly, like, don't go too hot.

It'll, it'll have something for my body. And I said, oh, let me just put this in the fridge for like two minutes. I just need to bring it down two degrees. And Ryan just exploded on me. And it was not like anything inappropriate, but it was just that rigidity of like, no, no, you have to do it how I want. And I got frustrated. And then that frustration led me to go and do that.

And then the thing fell all over me and started to cry and just personal. And he took 10 minutes to himself. I heard no noise. And when I came down, he said, I need to take ownership. He was like, I am so sorry. I didn't pause. I didn't reflect. I didn't get curious.

I didn't ask you what you needed or what was going on. He was like, I was just so focused on my rigidity and my control and how I want things to be. And he was like, and that is just inappropriate of mine. And I sincerely apologize for taking that out on you this morning. And I just said, thanks. I really appreciate it. I was like, I love you. And thank you for seeing me and hearing me.

That's emotional intelligence, right? Taking the time to process, to understand. Oh, shit, look how my actions have a reaction. And it's just a beautiful practice, right? It's not that there's no one is right or wrong. It's not, I'm never going to villainize my partner for having a very human response. But it's important to have the emotional awareness and intelligence to stop and say, whoa, what was my part? Right?

He could have been on the high horse of like, well, I didn't do anything wrong and just been mad at me. And it was like, I was just bummed. I was bummed that my partner didn't fucking ask me a question. I was bum that my partner got dismissive with me and shut me down. And I was bum that I didn't get heard. And I didn't, we didn't scream. We didn't fight. I just was like, I'm going to remove myself.

I'm going to the other room. And I gave him 10 minutes to think. And it's just important. It's okay. Take the time. Pause. Pause, right? Someone had asked in the audience questions like,

why do I self, why do I feel my emotions sabotage my relationships? And it's like, well, because they're trying to protect you from something. But without emotional intelligence, your emotions take over. They don't guide you. They just take over, right?

You end up reacting. You misinterpret. And you create distance instead of connection. Because when we react and we don't respond, right, take a minute to understand what's going on. then we're not actually showing up authentically for our partner. Whether this be dating, this is not just dating. This is friendships.

This is relationships. This is personal. This is romantic. This is professional. Right? I can't just explode on somebody that I'm in my work environment. I wouldn't have anybody that would want to work with me. And so I want to break down.

There are four pillars, more advanced pillars of emotional intelligence, if you will. But I think it's really important for us to understand like what they are. So the first pillar is emotional self-awareness. Okay. let's talk about self-awareness because I think so many of us are like, I'm self-aware. And it's like, eh, no, emotional. Self-awareness isn't just like knowing how you feel, right? It's not just being like, I'm self-aware. I'm sad right now. Well, no, you're, okay, great, I'm really happy. But self-awareness is really identifying patterns and your triggers and emotional habits over time, right? So for me,

that was always my thing. I was painfully self-aware to the point where even my friends were like, what are you going to do with this? And I even had a call the other day and I said it was with like a financial advisor and they do IFS and I love it. Britt Frank recommended me and I was like, oh, fuck yeah. Like, I love this. And when we started talking, she said, well, what are your concerns? And I was just honest. I said, well, I know that money really triggers me. It really reminds me my father. It brings me back into that childhood state. I know there's a part of me that feels really scared. And when I stopped talking, she goes, whoa, god damn, yourself aware. And I was like, oh yeah, it goes beyond going, yeah, money makes me scared. No, it's not just that, right? It's the, it's the same

thing of being like, you know, I'm scared of having this conversation with somebody and saying, okay, so just identifying your feeling, what are you scared of happening? Okay, maybe we refined this to like, I'm really scared to have this conversation because confrontation triggers me. It reminds me of when I was a kid and my father was super dismissive or my mother or my caregiver or my sibling. It's really beautiful because when you can understand what's actually happening for you, you can then articulate that to your partner and then they can understand you. And there was a study done by Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett. And her research shows that people with high emotional granularity, which is the ability

to label specific emotions, right? They experience fewer emotional breakdowns and better relational outcomes. I can't lie. It's true, right? When I'm able to, even my mom, I've had such a better relationship when she'll say something. I'm like, hey, mom, that really triggered me. It triggered me this. And here's what I came up with me.

And here's how I'm feeling. And she'll stop. And she's like, thanks, Sab. I had no idea. That was never my intention. Right? And so here's a tool. that you can use. It's the emotional pattern tracker. And I think, oh, another thing, some you guys

had message, a couple people message saying, can you give me homework? The answer is going to be kind of a quick no. And the reason I say that is because the goal of all of this work isn't to have you leave going, I have to do more. Throughout the episode, I give you tools. That's your homework. There it is, right? I'm not going to give you a specific at the end of like, okay, at the end of this, your homework is for the next seven days. I want you to journal this one thing. I don't think that's helping. And I don't think that everybody's the same. So what I would, will say is the entire episode is going to have tools. That's what I want you to utilize. Use the episodes as homework, if you will. But I really want to make sure that you don't see this as work and

you don't see this as school. This is your growth and your evolution. And I want to make sure that I'm giving you guys the tools that you need. But at the end of the day, baby, you do what you want with them and see how you can implement them. That's what's important. That's your homework. There it is. There's your homework. Implement some of these tools. Then let me know how it goes. And leave a comment. Let me know. Hey, fuck, this tool is really hard for me. I really struggle to identify my pattern or trigger or whatever. That's okay. We are here. We are here to support each other. So the tool is the emotional pattern tracker. So the step, first step, I want to identify reoccurring triggers in your relationship. What's a trigger? It's a cue to your nervous

system that you're in danger. So if, let's say, the reoccurring pattern is like, I always feel like they're pulling away. Okay, then I want you to write down the thoughts and feelings that follow, right? So the example could be like, they're pulling away. I feel anxious and unimportant. They didn't call me when they said, I feel like I'm not a priority. I feel really sad and scared that they're going to forget about me. It's so important. That's why do you think with the whole fucking texting thing?

I'm like, it's not about the text, right? It's not actually about the physical words of like, enough also. I hear one more fucking video. If I hear one more video on the internet of if a guy doesn't text you every day, that's how they feel about you. And it's like, again, tell me, how is that helping your dating life? How is it? Is it helping your dating life by staying in super rigid black and white thinking?

I would also not be with my partner if I listen to clickbait on the internet. That is very one note and one way of thinking. One, it shows that we don't really understand psychology and human behavior. But two, not everybody fits into a bumper sticker. Not everybody fits into a quick slogan of, this is for all. And so it's okay if that doesn't work for you. But what I would suggest is if you see a pattern, everybody I date, I get anxious when they don't text me.

I over attach. Every time I date somebody, I get, that's the pattern, right? We, I overattach, right? I feel this. It's really important. And then the step three is we look up for the patterns and explore how these are tied to a deeper belief. Right. So the texting pattern. If we have like, I get anxious, you know, I feel anxious and unimportant. Well, wait a minute. This pattern happens with every single person I date. So is it really about the texting or is it about the fact that I actually don't believe that anybody is going to choose me and I actually don't believe that I'm good enough. I don't believe that I'm worthy. We can say it all day. I talk to people every day that are like, sap, I genuinely believe I'm deserving and worthy. But what follows is, but no, you don't.

Because if you genuinely believe that you're deserving and worthy, then you wouldn't be staying with somebody that makes you question your worth and offers no clarity. If you genuinely believe you're deserving and worthy and that you will be okay no matter what, then you won't accept bullshit, then you will speak up, then you will have a voice, then you will tell people how you feel because you know you are doing that for you, right? And so it's just understanding what's the deeper root here. What is the real core belief? And that's okay.

You're all humans, right? I am I also wanted to say, not only am I proud of you. I'm beyond over the moon with you guys. I love you guys so much. So maybe you guys DM me and I cry. I cry when I read them. I might not even answer, but somebody said, you know, you always say you're proud of us and we're proud of you.

And I was like, oh, oh, that's tough for me to receive because of that deeper core wound. That deeper belief of no one's going to accept you, nobody likes you. Okay. So that's a trigger for me. Someone's speaking kind to me because it's foreign to me. That's just me understanding myself of, wow, okay? When that happens, I get really, I get a little dysregulated. Not in a negative way.

This is nothing bad. It's human, right? It's like compliments. When people are compliment, if like, I love that shirt and you're like, oh, I got it on sale. Instead of just saying, thank you. It's hard. It's so fucking hard. So please don't think it's just you.

I struggle with that too. but I just find it interesting how our core beliefs really come up. Okay, so now we go to pillar two and it's emotional regulation. Remember, regulation is not about suppressing your emotions. It's learning how to de-escalate your nervous system so you can stay present and respond, right? Again, that's why Masha and I created the nervous system course. The course is not just like, you're all the basics of the nervous system, now go off. It's like, no, we literally hit the pain points of dating and relationships, specifically dating in this one, to help you understand.

like here's the pain point, here's the nervous system, here's what's going on, here's how you could, what you can do for it, here's how you get out of this. And so it's just, and you don't have to take the course, right? I'm not saying that. I'm just saying it's an option. But for anything else, when we look at our emotional resilience, which we're going to be talking about the window of tolerance, it's just so important. So Dr. Richard Davidson's work on emotional resilience shows that regular mindfulness practices like meditation, journaling, things like that, increase activity in the prefrontal cortex, improving your ability to regulate. I love that. And I know that a lot of us look at this.

I'm like, why do you keep telling me to like journal and meditate? And it's like, oh, really, though? Because it's life changing. Breathwork will absolutely completely change things for you. There are apps. There are different things that you could utilize. Please don't think that you're alone. But I would highly suggest, even if it's the fucking com app, I don't care. just get something for yourself that you can sit with yourself for a minute and just be able to really address what's coming up for you. And so I have another tool. It's called the reframe and release technique. So when you're triggered, I want you to pause and reframe the situation, right? So like, let's another explanation for this. Okay. So let's say it's the texting. I'm just

going to use that for argument's sake. It could be anything, right? And so if we go that black and white thinking, they didn't text me because they don't like me. Okay. Well, That's another explanation for this. They didn't text me because I've had one date with them and I don't know who they are. Or they didn't text me because we don't know each other well enough to text every day or they're at work or it's 12 in the afternoon. They might be on a call, right? It's just about being able to expand. And it doesn't mean, here's a thing, you're not doing this to give people a free pass. I want to just clarify. Being able to regulate and come and have other perspectives and what's another explanation? That doesn't mean we explain and we allow bullshit behavior. But what that does is it takes you out of your own spiral, brings you into the present moment so that then you can handle this like the adult that you fucking are.

Then you can say, oh, wait a minute. Okay. So for today they did that. I'm willing to give the benefit of the doubt. But then tomorrow, right? And then the next day. And then how are we building up on this? How are we able to show up for ourselves?

Because then let's say you go four days and you haven't heard from this person, five days, six days. Then you can say, no, this bullshit. Right? But you see what I mean. It doesn't need to be that we have to attach a. story. All it could be is this doesn't work for me. I don't want to date somebody that can go five or six days without texting or calling me or making it a plan or even contacting me. You have every right.

You have every right. But the reason I bring this up is to really just start to challenge. What's another explanation for this in this moment when I have no facts to back anything else up? That's my favorite DBT technique. What are the facts to back this up? The second thing I want you to do. So once we understand, okay, here's what's happening in my body. I'm feeling really anxious. Then I want you to look at this as I need to release the tension, right? And so you could shake it out. Just be careful. I broke my foot, though. You could do the shakes. You could do yoga. You could go stretch. You can go for a walk. You're breaking up the cycle of the emotional buildup. And not to mention, walking is actually really, really great because the bilateral movements, they help you to process. Like EMDR, right,

when you see the ball going back and forth depending on if you've done EMDR therapy. So now we go into, so that's the emotional regulation. Really important. And again, there's a free guide for you guys on like it's like six pages of just free different techniques, breathing exercises, different things. Pick what works and leave what doesn't, baby. Right? Like for me, I've had people offer me things and I'm like, nah, I like that. Right. But like sometimes when I've had like troll comments or just people that are just like fucking

ruthless and mean and projecting, I'll literally punch the air so that my body is like, oh, she fought it, right? There's no threat anymore. Do whatever you need to do to just remember regulating. All it means is you bring yourself back to the present moment and you have agency and choice to decide how you want to handle things because when you're in survival, you don't really have a lot of choices, but we're not. Well, I hope you're not. Okay, pillar three, empathy. Empathy isn't just understanding your partner's feelings. It's also learning to communicate that

understanding in a way that creates safety. And empathy has been hijacked a lot. Like a lot of, I'll get the excuse of like, well, I'm just highly empathetic. And it's like, nah, that oftentimes gets blurred into like codependent and no boundaries. Empathy is a beautiful thing, but it can't override to the point where then you self-abandoned, right? And so there's something called empathy mapping. And so Dr. Helen Reese shows that practicing empathetic communication reduces relational tension and increases bonding hormones like oxytocin, right? And so the tool here is like reflective listening.

So like this morning, right, when Ryan said, I really apologize. I could see that you were frustrated. And, you know, he was having empathy. He saw that I was going through something and was like, fuck, okay, I'm hurting my partner. But it could even start like this, right? So you mirror your partner's feelings, right? It sounds like you're feeling this, right? It sounds like you're feeling really sad right now.

Or it sounds like you're feeling stressed out. Or it sounds like, like let's say if you go to your partner and say, hey, I don't feel like a priority. I feel really bummed. I feel like you're not really choosing me. Whatever, right? I don't really care. So if I came to my partner and said, fuck, I'm like really in my head right now and da-da-da-da, I'm going on.

And like, you know, I don't really feel like you're listening to me. And da-da-da. the first step would be, hey, it sounds like you're feeling super frustrated, right? And then this next step is validate. It sounds like you're super frustrated. And that makes total sense considering that I didn't really think about you. Right. So this morning, Ryan said, hey, you were super, he knew I was frustrated. I said it. And he goes, but he said, you were super frustrated this morning, which makes total sense because I didn't listen to you. I didn't hear you. And I didn't give you the space to talk to me about what you needed. I just snapped at you and I shut you down. And then the next

step he said was, what can I do to support you now? That's a beautiful question to ask somebody. What can I do to support you now? So the first step, right? Mirror your partner's feelings. Hey, it sounds like you're this, right? And am I picking up on that? And if they say, yeah, yeah, then that makes them feel heard and seen. Second, validate. Hey, you're right. I'm sorry. I should called you or I shouldn't have canceled. I apologize. What can I do to support you now? That's the next step. And so it's really, really important because again, this shows that this person is emotionally intelligent. They're not just saying, well, you're just fucking being dramatic or I don't know what you're talking about. I didn't do that. Or here we go again. Oh, he's so dramatic. Get fucked.

I'm not talking. I'm not dating anybody that says that. Okay. And then sorry, pillar four, your girl gets tied off is conflict navigation. And so Britt and I are actually going to create a conflict course. Like, we're going to do a proper one. So that'll have like way more tools and it'll be a whole thing. And it's going to be like a small supplemental course. It's not going to be super expensive. But just to give you guys everything. And Brit's just so fucking brilliant. So there's a new insight and it's that high emotional intelligent couples repair faster after fights because they focus on resolution rather than blame. And that comes from the Gottman Institute.

So that shows that couples who engage in effective repair attempts are 80% more likely to stay together. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, 80%. And I can say for 100% certainty personally, yes, 100%. Because for me, I'm solution oriented. Even when like something with the business, you know, like you get that call. call of like, I can't tell you how many times with software. Oh my God. I get the call of like, we fucked up the drawstrings or we ran out of fabric. And I'm like, okay, I could blame and shame and I could get irate and I'm like, what's the solution? What is the solution? And so instead,

with the same with my partner. When we talk and we communicate, instead of me being like, well, you do this. No, it's just not, you're not going to get anywhere with that. Instead, I really start to, I pause, right? So here's the tool, the pause and repair. So I pause. And I say, like, I need a minute or I need a second, right? Like, we can come back to this with clear minds, then we can move forward or I need five minutes. Like, please just give me. Or look this morning, I got so frustrated that I was shut down.

Ryan had his moment. I removed myself for five minutes. And I even said, I was like, I need a minute. And I walked upstairs. And that allows both of us to have a second, right? Because then I'm not respond. I didn't react in that moment. I could have.

I could have been like, fuck you. Who's, what's that helping? Here's the reality. Your partner is your fault. fucking teammate. You guys are building a life together. You're not against each other. So we have to drop this like, you're not a child. You're not defending yourself against your parents. You're not begging them to forgive you. This is a grown adult with a grown adult. Take accountability and ownership. Hey, I really apologize. I need five minutes. Let's talk later. You know, I just need to have

a second. Ask for what you need and give a time period. Like not, I'm so tired of the bullshit of like, I need space. And it's like, no, no, no, no, grow up. What do you mean you need space? You're not six. what space do you need? How much time do you need? When do you want to talk? That is going to change your relationship. I've had that. I've dated plenty of guys that would do the, I need space. And I'm like, and like five days later, you're like, are you going to call? You're not going to answer. You're not going to text. It's like, that's stonewalling. That's not actually conflict and repair. Conflict is totally normal. Very normal. Like, you're going to have stuff with your partner. If you don't, I'd be like, yeah, you're lying. Like there's one dating coach. And she puts like 17 years married,

seven years with no arguments. And I'm like, oh, that's crazy. And you promote that like you and your partner have had seven years, no arguments. It's like, do you talk? Do you communicate? Do you share your needs? Because I could all guarantee, I don't know, one couple that's had seven years with zero arguments. To me, that just doesn't seem healthy. Even if you're communicating consistently, there's going to be times your partner pisses you off because you're humans.

And here's why it's so important, right? So Dr. Dan Siegel's concept explains how much emotional stress you can tolerate before you lose connection to your partner. Welcome to the window of tolerance. I love the window of tolerance. And I share this often and I was like, I don't think I've explained this very well. And so when you're inside your window of tolerance, you are regulated, you're calm and you're able to process your emotions, right? When you're outside of your window of tolerance, you're reactive, you're defensive or you shut down. And so it's kind of like literally a map, right?

And I think about this. Like imagine here's the map, it's like ebbs and flows. So if you're kind of like staying in this little area of like, cool, I'm able to handle this. I've got the emotional intelligence. We communicate versus everything is a fucking major argument. One person didn't text you. Next thing you know, you've sent them 150 texts screaming at them. That's the hyper, right?

Or the hypo when you go all the way down, you shut down, you're numb, you can't eat, you can't sleep, you're throwing up, you're doing all this. And it's like, but you had two dates with this person. Pinch doesn't match the out. So Dr. Allen Shores affect regulation studies reveal that co-regulation, how partners help each other regulate, expand the window of tolerance over time, creating deeper emotional resilience. It's beautiful to co-regulate with your partner, but you can't always, right?

It's not always going to be where you're going to be able to say, you know, I need to talk to you. Sometimes I got to co-regulate with my mama. Sometimes I need to regulate on my own. But it's a beautiful space when you can say, hey, I'm getting really activated, either up or down. And I think I just need to take a minute or can I have a hug? I really just need to know that we're okay. So the first one, I first tool here I want you guys to use is the state of awareness. check in. So I want you to ask yourself, am I hyper aroused, right? Am I anxious? Am I angry?

Am I feeling all of it? Or am I hypo aroused, right? Am I numb? Am I checked out? Or am I regulated, right? I'm in this present moment. I'm very cognizant to how I feel. I don't feel like I have to numb out or anything. Okay. Then the second thing is I want you to use grounding practices. So like maybe that's deep breathing if you're hyper, right? So we have to think about it. Again, like that's why Mosh and I talk about this on the fucking, of course. The nervous system bladder, polyvagal theory. So ventral at the top and then you go into hyper, right? There's different terminology, right? But I'm talking about this. Hyper, hypo. They have dorsal, sympathetic, parasympathetic, all that chip. But if I'm talking in these terms. So if you're at ventral and you're like,

no, I feel good. I'm good. I can handle this. I give the receipt, blah, blah, blah, versus if you go down the ladder. So if you're hyper, what are we going to do with things that are going to come, right? Breathing exercises, maybe punching the air, hitting the pillow, doing something to get it out versus the hypo. Maybe that's energizing movements, right? Like maybe it's just sitting up straighter. Maybe it's wrapping yourself in a blanket that makes you feel like you're having a hug. We need to bring you back up, give you more energy so you're not so numb and out, right? Because then we look at the emotional ladder. Like if you're feeling overwhelmed, I want to identify one step to climb down back towards regulation. Right. So maybe that's, I'm angry. Okay. I can deescalate.

I'm frustrated. Okay, maybe I'm annoyed. And then I get to, okay, fine, I'm calm, right? Like one step, one little thing that you could do to show up for yourself so that it's not hell in a handbasket because I used to let anger, I mean, I would go black. I read, I guess that's the term right, I'd see red. I wouldn't know how I was responding to people. I wasn't.

I was reacting. I would just have, irate blowouts because I was my family. My father is incredibly narcissistic rage within seconds. You're talking to him. Next thing you know you're getting yelled at and you're like, I don't. I don't even know what I did. I was like, oh, did I just breathe wrong? Sorry, my bad. And so it's really important to be able to step back and say, whoa, wait a minute. I don't need to blow up on my partner. I don't need to be angry. I can take a second. I can process. I can process. Right.

Like this morning, I went from angry. Then I went to frustrated. Then I went to annoyed. And then eventually I was a little bit calmer when I just allowed myself to understand that, right? Like with Ryan stuff and that and just sometimes you just. And I yelled, I just literally, I remember Masha telling me that once and she was like, sometimes you just got to scream. And I did. I just like, I yelled. I just like let out a yelp in my pillow and I felt a little better. So I wanted to give you guys some real life applications of emotional intelligence. Right. So we had talked about the texting. So what's the problem, right? It's the overthinking a delayed text, right? That's something that I hear you guys again, why we created the nervous system course. But that's something I

hear you guys talk about every day and it was something I struggled with. The solution would be use the reframe solution, right? Instead of they didn't text me because they don't. like me and they found someone else. Right. Those are core beliefs. I'm going to be left. I'm to be abandoned. Nobody likes me. No, but what's a neutral reason they haven't replied? It's a work day. Right? Just like little things like that are like, dude, you've known this person once. It's not about gaslighting yourself. You're not saying you're crazy. You're that. No. All you're doing is you're bringing yourself back to the present moment to respond like an adult. Because let me ask you, do you do this what your friends do? I'm so fucking tired of. We all have our phone in our hands 24-7.

It takes 10 seconds to send a text. Just because I have my phone on my hand does not mean I need to. You deserve access to me, right? I have an Instagram that anybody can publicly message. That doesn't mean that I owe anybody a response. And then what we also have to look at is, sure, just because I have my phone on my hand 24-7 does not mean that I want to talk to you because do you do this with your friends? Do you say, well, my friends have their phone in their hand 24-7 so they must just not like me?

No. And if you do, there's the pattern. Okay, so you interpret that everybody, and I was, I would do that. I used to think it was just in dating until I had a friend. And I remember I literally like, it was a couple of years ago and it hit me. And I was like, oh, you're doing it here. I text my friend and like they didn't answer. And I was like, fuck, did I say something?

Did I piss them off? I was like, oh, my God, are they mad at me? And then I looked back at the text and I was like, no, we ended it well. And I was like, oh, my God, there I am. There's that hypervigilance. I'm scanning. I'm looking for safety. So it's okay.

Again, none of this is shame or blame. But we need to cut the bullshit of, well, is ultimate. And it's like, no, Dr. Becky, I watched an Instagram about her, I'm going to have her on the show. And she was talking about entitlement. And she was like, what is entitlement? It's under it is frustration. So just remember that. I deal with this every day.

I deal with this with the fucking trolls that'll email me of like, you need to speak slower. I don't like it. Like I had one woman when literally email me or message me does not follow me. And she's like, you're angry. You're aggressive. I don't like your tone. You make my anxiety even worse. You need to change the way you speak.

You're going to lose followers. And I was just like, that's entitlement. That's the epitome. of like, I get it, you're frustrated. I can hold space for that. Your frustration doesn't mean I need to change who the fuck I am, right? That's the same in dating. You don't get to go to people and say, well, you need to do all this. It's like, it's okay. If you're frustrated, process that baby. Allow yourself to feel it through. But that doesn't mean other people need to change. There's a difference between that or if someone was like, hey, I'm commenting because like your

levels are off on the podcast and it's like, oh, thanks for telling me, right? There's nothing wrong with that. Versus when you demand other people do things because you don't like it, it's really important to stop, come back into your body and be like, whoa, what's happening for me? Maybe I can go from frustrated to annoyed, to sad, to introspective, to come. It's okay, right? The reason I give you guys these examples or I'll talk about this or I'll talk about that. Again, I want to give you guys real life examples. So you're like, oh, that's how it manifests.

Fuck, didn't realize that. And it's the same as like trying to change people in dating. If you're somebody that consistently says when they do this, then it'll be better or they need to change. They need to go to therapy. they need to do this, you're actually just deterring and avoiding doing the work yourself. Because if you're so focused about other people and making them okay, are you trying to fix them? Are you the fixer? Do you get your validation from that? Are you trying to get someone to change

that can actually change your core beliefs? Because oftentimes, we need to look at if you're compatible. Love, I don't go fuck anymore. Love doesn't mean as much as emotional intelligence and compatibility. Don't give me wrong. Love is necessary. And, right? It's not an or. It's and. And so the other aspect here is when we have conflict over small issues, let's say your partner forgets a chore and you feel unappreciated, right? And so instead, and like I've had that with Ryan, instead, maybe you can use the collaborative question of like, how can we make this easier for us both? Right? That's like a really, really beautiful question to ask instead of like, you don't fucking do anything and I feel it is and I do everything. I'm telling you it's not going to get you

the results that you want. And here's the thing. If that's how you grew up, I get it. Same. I didn't grow up with emotionally intelligent parents. I didn't grow up in a household where any of this was normal. That's okay. That makes this unique and different, but that doesn't make it that you can't do it. So here are some daily practices that you could do to strengthen your emotional intelligence. So first I want morning check-ins, right? What am I feeling?

What do I need today to stay regulated? Then we can do an evening reflection, right? Write down one emotional win and one challenge from the day. Right? So there's your homework. I want you in the morning. What do I need right now? How am I feeling?

I'll do that in the morning. I'll be like, I'm a little anxious. I could use a walk. Cool. And then at the end of the day, I'll write, kind of look at this as like, what's one win? I regulated. I did a really good job not overreacting to somebody in one challenge. I was going to punch that person in the face, though.

Trust me, I deal with our fucking HOA where we live. We're renting. It's not our HOA. And the people, you're like, I have to remain calm. Otherwise, I might go to jail for hitting you. I'm like, I'm not going to do that. But sometimes it's just, that's a win for me. I'm like, wow, I bit my tongue and I didn't yell at this person.

That was incredibly rude and dismissive to me in condescending. I'm super stoked. right and then we have a micro vulnerability practice share one small feeling with your partner every day or if you can to build emotional safety right and even if it's something as simple as like I really really care about you I really like you and part of me is scared that I won't be able to do this but the other part of me is excited or I don't know whatever the fuck you guys were talking about I'm just throwing shit out there but just something that you can share vulnerably of like oh god I had this thought of like when I was in middle school and I would just get so embarrassed by like the way

that my parents would look when they would come to pick me up. I literally am making shit up. Just something that your parent can be like, oh, wow, I didn't know that about you. And you're like, yeah, just being vulnerable. Vulnerability is really sexy. So guys, I would be curious. And I write it in the notes, right? You can leave a comment.

You can leave a comment on Spotify, on YouTube. And if you're listening on Apple, you can leave your review, feel a lot too. But I want to know, like, which part of the episode hit home for you, right? Like, what was your biggest takeaway? So leave it in the comments? And like, was it realizing your triggers? Was it learning to pause before you react? Was it learning and understanding?

the window of tolerance. Like, let's start a conversation because your insights might help someone else too. And share this with a friend. Share this with a friend that's struggling with their emotional intelligence or that's struggling to understand how to respond and not react. I am here to help you guys. And I am grateful and so just proud of all of you guys and proud of myself too because we're doing this. We're growing. We're healing. We're evolving. And we're doing this together. So guys, thank you again for another amazing fucking episode. Thank you for having my back. And again, everybody is welcome here. And if you don't feel like this is your place, that's okay. I totally get that. There are plenty of places that are going to probably feel more comfortable. We want you here,

but we're not going to change how we do things just to keep everybody happy because I learned that a long time ago. Mama always said you can please some of the people, some of the time, but you can't please all the people all the time. So guys, don't forget, rate review the show, share it with a friend, and just keep showing up as you and thank you for allowing me to show up as me. It really helps to create a community of authenticity because we're just so conditioned to have to change who we are, to have to be this person, to conform, to do this, to do this, let me morph, let me change, let me get them to like me. But at the end of the day, if I don't like me, then what the fuck does it matter if somebody else likes me? And that is why I'm so hard on the like, I don't change

how I speak or who I am because this is my home. This is my community we're building. And it's okay if you don't align with it, but that doesn't mean I need to bend over backwards. And it's the same with dating. It's the same with relationships. If you find yourself conforming and changing to get someone to like you, well, then I think we need to talk about what we're doing underneath the hood and if you actually choose yourself. So, guys, thank you. I love you. And until next week.