The Sabrina Zohar Show - 13: How to be a healthier dater

Episode Date: April 14, 2023

On this weeks episode Sabrina goes over how to be a healthier dater and date with more intentionality. She goes over how to be comfortable alone, not attaching to the outcome, ghosting, questions to ask on dates and so so so much more!! Want to work with Sabrina? HERE! Stuck After the Podcast? Master Implementation in 8 Weeks with Sabrina's Foundation Course Join the Make It Make Sense: Getting Through a Breakup course HERE! Get Ad-free episodes and 2 Bonus episodes a month HERE! Dont forget to follow Sabrina and The Sabrina Zohar Show on instagram and Sabrina on Tik tok! Video now available on YOUTUBE!  Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formally known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A.Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to another episode of Do the Work podcast. My name is Sabrina Zohar, and I will be your host on today and every day of Do the Work. Guys, can you believe we are into our 13th episode? This is now technically three months that Do The Work has been around, and I am so, just so fucking grateful for you guys. Honestly, words can't even describe how this is mushroomed. I have like seven upcoming guests that are fucking phenomenal and I can't wait to share with you. There are so many things in the works right now. The podcast is growing. Thanks to you guys for

sharing it. You're giving us five stars. You're sharing it with your friends, family, posting on social. Guys, I'm so grateful. It's literally like hard for me to even put into words. So thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you to everyone who's booked with me and asked questions and followed on Insta. All of the fun. Thank you again. And I'm so excited to continue. So this week, we are going to talk about how to be a healthier dater and date. in a more secure way. I think a lot of the stuff I talk about revolves around this, and I think us actually hitting it on the head and talking about all the different things that kind of make this up and how to just be able to handle shit a lot more effectively so it doesn't affect you

as much. It's going to be huge. So on that note, let's get right on into it. All right, another week together. Here we are. And I think a lot of the stuff I talk about has to do with how to be a healthier dater. So I think it's really important. to condense that all into one episode. And most of it, I think, also revolves. And, like, we're going to have Lisa Holden on in a couple of weeks to talk about the dating apps, do's and don'ts. She is a columnist and a writer for dating.

So who better to have? And she's an amazing dating coach as well. So I'm super excited for you guys to hear her perspective. And we'll talk more about this. But I think the first thing that kind of sticks out to me on the dating spectrum and what makes it feel really unhealthy or insecure is this complete, like, attachment to the outcome, that there's an expectation that every person that you meet online or something wants a relationship and they want one with you. And that if you're going to go on a first date, you need to have a guarantee that there's

going to be more dates. And you can't sit in any kind of discomfort or any kind of unknown to think, I don't know what's going to happen. I have no idea. And releasing the attachment to the outcome is going to be one of the most important things to start practicing. Because essentially what that means is that you are going out just to be in the fucking moment. You are living in the moment. Because honestly, so often what I hear is like, it has to work or this person and I have to be together. This has to. And that has to. That idealization of the person, the attachment to the outcome is where you're going to get yourself into a hiccup and in trouble. Because if you're entering this going, he's so amazing, it has to work. Then you're overlooking all of the qualities that

you should be taking note of. You are overlooking all of the negative traits that this person has And in the same vein of being super, super, super picky and super hyper focused on a list, you're overlooking all the great qualities somebody can have because of actions that they might not be showing the texting, which will get to. But I think more often than not, I get like, how do I not project or have this idea of somebody when I date them? And simply put, it's like starting with getting rid of your fucking checklist. Burn the checklist, as my big brother, Joe always says.

I've learned so much from him. He's been a dating coach for fucking years. And we love Joe. Go follow Joe Zohar. Instagram and TikTok. But he always talks about burn the checklist because the checklist essentially is really limiting your scope

of how you can view somebody because that's how you become, how project onto the person that you're going out with because they fit some shallow boxes. So what, they're tall and have a good job. Are they anything else in life?

And so when you are looking at that list and projecting onto them and then on top of it by attaching to the outcome of a first date going, it has to work and he has to text me and if I don't hear from him, I'm going to turn to stone

because we all know that none of that happens. You're going to be fine. We all know, what's my famous motto? You were good before them. You will be good after them. And so, and again, as Mama Zoha always says, they are in addition to your life, not instead of. So equipped with all of that knowledge,

then why would you enter into a date with any kind of attachment to the outcome that it has to work, that it has to be okay, that you just don't need that. Instead, you enter the first date going, do I even want to get to know them enough to have a second date? And then a second date. Do I want to continue getting to know them to have a third date?

The only reason you're going on dates is just to see if you want to progress and have another date with them. It's not to see if this is going to be your ride or die. This is going to be your night and shining armor. This is going to be your everything in the love of your life. That is so much pressure to put onto somebody that you've literally just met on an app or in person or through a friend. And by doing that as well, again, you overlook a lot of shit you're probably probably

we could be seeing on the first date if you were seeing it more clearly. And I think what's super important too is like being comfortable alone, not alone on your phone and watching TV and distracting yourself, but can you meditate for 10 to 15 minutes a day just being with you and your thoughts? If your answer is no, I'm far too impatient, it's like, this is a great place to explore. A great place to explore something that makes you uncomfortable is to figure out how to sit and be with you. Have you reconnected with you doing your inner child work and figuring out all that shit and having conversations with yourself, are you able to sit comfortably with you?

Because if you're not, then why would somebody else be? Because then also somebody else will start to pick up on your insecurities, your anxieties, the shit that makes you tick. And while I understand we're all humans and everybody has that, work through them, start to heal them and be okay knowing no matter what. Again, I was good before him. I will be good after him. You at the end of the day, only have yourself.

When you put that head on the pillow, you have nobody else that you can turn to. You have nobody else. When you are six feet under, it's just you. And at the end of the day, that is the only way that I want to be continuing to date is knowing that that person has to be better than the time spent alone. That's a big order. And, you know, tech guy, we're going through this right now. He's very introverted by nature.

Like, he has to recharge his batteries alone. And he's a bit more avoidant. Like, he pulls away. But he's so much more secure. and he was incredible. And normally he takes one weekend a month to be alone. That's how he recharges because he loves being alone so much and like it's such a beautiful thing.

He finds so much solace and comfort. And this weekend, he came and said, you know, I want to talk to you about the weekend. Normally I spend a weekend alone. And I was like, oh, okay, well, hey, thanks for letting me know. Like, I'll go make other plans. And he said, no, I want you to join. I think it's really important for us to start spending more time together alone and me getting more acclimated and comfortable with sharing my alone time with somebody.

And that was fucking huge because that is the epitome of this of spending time with me is more important to him than the time spent alone, which shows you how much love we have together. Not to say we don't spend time alone. Trust me, we do. We spend multiple days alone and it's great. And I love it. And I can't wait tonight to watch Love is Blind or my trash TV without hearing him go every time I put it on.

And that's why I love being alone as well, as much as I love being. with somebody, and that is being secure, that you can co-regulate, but you can also self-regulate. So let's go into more about being a healthier dater. So we know not to attach to the outcome. We know to be able to sit comfortably with you because, again, at the end of the day, you only have yourself. And I think something else that's really important to kind of hit on is the mental health while dating.

Not even just are you doing the work on yourself and you're trying to figure out your triggers and you're trying to avoid projecting onto somebody. Yes, yes, that's all. super fucking important. But I'm actually talking as well about what's a verbiage that you use when you're out there. Is everything that you say, I fucking hate dating. Dating fucking sucks. I'm so overdating. I hate this. I'm so, because, you know, if you go outside and look for, and say you're going to look for a red car, guess what you'll find? Red car. Because when you keep where your, your mind goes, your energy flows, the more you perpetuate on, there's nobody out there and there's

no good men, constantly get hurt. And it's always that one, you get to live in victim mode, because you're taking it off of you and putting it on to somebody else, that it's all these external factors as to why you can't have the love that you want and the life that you want. And while there is a certain extent and a certain amount of you can't control other people, but I can bet your bottom dollar that at some point along the way, you have met quite a few people that you could be great with. But either you were in a headspace that wasn't ready to receive them or your anxiety or avoidance completely push that person away to go, nope, abort mission, this isn't healthy.

This person's not even aware of it. And one of my clients today asked me, you know, because his ex is avoidant, and he said, somebody told me that I can help her heal. And I said, no, no, no, you can support them through their healing, but you can't help anybody heal because you can't tell somebody what to do or how to do it. You can only heal for you and other people. You can only heal for yourself. So the biggest thing is not only taking care of your mental health for yourself, but how are you speaking when you're dating? How are you coming off to people? Are you super fucking? and negative. Is everything a complaint? Is everything a like, ugh, or just is it always that? Or is it also on

the other flip side, naivete, complete, like, no understanding of how people operate reading the room. But I hear this a lot of, like, dating is just so hard. And I just, I hate it and I'm over it. And it's like, I get that. I am on, I'm cognizant of it. But what do you think you keep putting out there? Instead, it's, I haven't met my person up to this point. I'm super excited to see where things go. I am so excited to meet this person that I'm going to have this incredible love with. And how I remember how I really started to work on that before I met tech guy was I got really excited about how I wanted to feel with that person, how I wanted to feel seen, hurt, and understood, safe, loved, adored. Again, my boundaries and non-negotiables. What are things that I was

like, I'm not willing to waver on this? And I got so excited saying, look at this life that I'm building. It's so fucking rad. I have a clothing line called software, for those of you don't know. I have a clothing line that I've been running by myself for five years now almost. I now have a full-time coaching business and a podcast and I do these events and I've got the most incredible friends and community. And all of this, I built myself. And I am so fucking excited to have somebody that's going to be in my life that's going to add to it. And what that also did was it helped me as I was going out and dating was between in conjunction with all of these things we talk about, I was able to date more effectively and see these people for who they were

and give the right people my time and stop focusing on the wrong stupid shit like the texting. Because I can't tell you how many, I get a lot, listen, I have a question box that you can ask me a question on my stand store. And I can't tell you how many I get a day where it's just, it's overthinking on the anxiety of the texting and complete, overlooking all of the bad behavior, all of the bullshit that this person's doing and focusing just on the texting behavior. Well, he's been texting me every single day for four months, and we've never met, and he says this and it's like, wait, wait, so because he texts you every day, you think that's okay? Or, you know, I'm seeing this guy. We had two dates. It's been

four months, but he still texts me every day. It's like, again, you still put your energy instead of looking at all of the other behavior that this person's exhibiting. And on that flip side, I had a date with a guy and I didn't hear from him the next day. I'm going to write him off. It's like, you don't fucking know this person. Can we get a grip for five seconds? Can we pull a moonstruck with Cher with the slap and the fate? It's the movie, right?

Yeah, I think it is. Yeah. Snap out of it. But sometimes you got to. Of like, can we, again, like my mama called me to say today. She goes, I understand. Why is everyone freaking out over by the texting? She says, don't people know that texting is about 15 years old if that?

And she's like, how do you think any of us met? How do you think any of us had a relationship? We didn't have this fucking texting thing. And it's because it's become the digital age. We are so hyperattuned and focused on these things. It's hard not to focus on it. And if I hear one more goddamn person say, we all have three seconds in the day. No, my dear, you're right.

We do. We all have all the time in the world that we can spend in priorities and things that we find useful to spend our time on. but that does not mean that anybody owes you anything. And that expectation is how you stop yourself from actually dating the right fucking people. Because spoiler alert, someone secured knows that they don't need to receive validation, that they don't need to do the texting to prove any point. They will text you when it feels right to text you.

So if that's to make a plan, if that's to say hi, because they want to say hi. But writing somebody off because they're not texting you after a fucking first date is, again, a surefire way that you are going to be self-sabotaging something before it's even had time to bloom. And what it shows me, too, is that this like, well, I want my answers and I don't want to waste my time. It's like, what you're telling me is that you don't trust yourself enough to know that you will be okay no matter what, that even if you haven't heard from this person, it's, all right, well, whatever, I'm not going to freak out over it. They text me, cool, if they don't, they don't, no big deal. What's hyper-focusing on it? But on that same token, let's be honest here,

if you are meeting somebody and they are starting at 100, and they are texting, texting you morning, noon, and fucking night. Every single day. They're texting you all fucking day from the morning until the night. Let me ask you, how secure and healthy do you think that person is? They're chasing a feeling. They just want to expedite it. I get so many emails a day of like, this guy came on so strong and he said he wanted to do all this. And then he like completely backed off and started to fizzle. It's like, because that dude didn't actually know you and was chasing the feeling of the girlfriend. And also too, I've spoken to many guys. You know what they all tell me? almost all of them, a good portion of them.

I don't even want a fucking text, but I know that if I don't, another dude will. They do it because a lot of the times they want to make sure that they even just have your attention. That doesn't mean, I've had all three of my clients today admitted that they are all texting a woman that they have zero intentions of being with because they're bored. Or because it just, they feel bad letting her down,

so they just fizzle. It doesn't mean anything. So if a guy's texting you all fucking day and you think that that dude, or even if he's just texting you, good morning and da-da-da, you think that he wants a relationship with you, babe. Let me ask you, has that worked out for you? Because we're here now, aren't we?

So if it hasn't worked out for you for now, up until this point, why don't we try something different? Why don't we try it? You won't turn to stone, I promise. But you know what you will do? You'll find more ease. You'll find that you're less hyper-focused on your phone because it doesn't fucking matter.

And that if somebody is coming on really strong with that shit, you know how many times you hear this? I mean, how stories do I get of this guy started texting me all the time and then fizzled out? It's like, so if this is a fucking repeat and this is happening to you, then why don't we try something different? Because what that tells me is a lot about their personality as well, that they are not the healthiest person, that they are not secure, that they are operating from a place of insecurity. What do you think? Avoidance will come on very strong too. And just because it's a double-edged sword, just because somebody isn't texting you all the time, doesn't mean they're not interested.

And in the same token, just because they do text you all the time, doesn't mean that they want anything with you. And so for me personally, I think if you just started dating and you were just getting into this, I think you meet with somebody, you match online, let's say, you talk for no more than two days. And even that is me being generous, maybe one day for a little bit and then the next day you can finish the conversation. But if you're talking for any more than that and not planning a date to meet, then I don't know what the fuck you are trying to do with your life right now.

Why are you continuously giving people energy to waste? I'm sorry, but I run now two full-time businesses. And here's how I equate it. If I'm going to hire a position right now, what's the most important I'm going to hire for, the CEO? The number one position next to the founder. And you think I'm going to give that to somebody after one interview? You think, because remember, the right partner could bring you a $10 million company by the end of this year. The wrong partner could make you go bankrupt and six feet under.

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and again, when you're meeting somebody, plan the fucking date. Then after, once you have the date planned, and you are now going into like, okay, cool, I'll see you Saturday. Let's say it's Tuesday, and you guys plan for Saturday. Then having one more text in the interim of, like on a Thursday or Friday from them like, hey, can't wait to see you Saturday. I'll see you at seven. Cool. And ladies, too, if you haven't heard from them, if you get to Saturday and you want to know my seeing them, you know it's not the end of the world for you to just text, right? Like no one's going to know. There's no chat group.

And like I think this fallacy of like, no, the man has to do everything. It's like, hmm, that's very antiquated thinking because I thought we want equality. I thought we as women wanted to be treated as equal. So then we should be equally as invested in our relationship as the other person. And so like I remember tech guy, we had made plans and I didn't hear from him. And then up until I text him the day before I said, hey, I haven't heard for you. You just want to make sure, are we still on? He was like, yeah, I'll see you tomorrow.

And then he showed up at the hike. He didn't text me, hey, him on my way. He didn't text me. He showed up at the hike. He made a plan. He stuck with it. So if you want to make sure, if you're like, you know, some people don't understand that they should send a follow up.

You can always just say, hey, are we still good for tomorrow? Awesome. Can't wait to see you at seven. Like, whatever. Take control of your dating life. But after that, you have a good first date. Cool. Text them after.

Either person. Hey, had a really great time. I'd love to see you again. If it's reciprocated, cool. Let me know when you're available. I'd love to get together again. And it's that simple. If the guy isn't trying to make plans with you again or the girl,

if somebody doesn't want to make plans with you again, then stop continuing to invest energy with them. Nobody owes you anything. And also, nobody owes you an explanation. Nobody owes you an explanation as to why they don't want to date you or that they don't want to see you again. Like I get this all the time. Like I was ghosted.

I've been ghosted so often. I say, what does that mean? Well, it's after a first date. That's not being ghosted. That means that that person doesn't want to see you again. that's not ghosting, which we'll kind of segue into the next thing of ghosting. It sucks. I know that, but let's understand what it really means.

Ghosting doesn't mean that you had one or two dates and you never heard from that person again. I'm sorry, that's just dating. That's somebody that wasn't interested in pursuing a relationship and they stopped pursuing you. Ghosting is you've been dating for one, two, three months, four months, five months, whatever, plus you've been seeing each other consistently. Like, this is the person that you are now spending time with. and you either may have had plans or something,

and you just literally never hear from this person again. Like, I remember my friend, she had planned on Valentine's Day with the guy she had been seeing for almost three months. And he texted her the night before. I can't wait to see you tomorrow and squeeze that butt. She never heard from him again. Text him on the day like, hey, are we getting together?

That is ghosting. But this like, oh, he, you know, I'd never heard from him after our date. I got ghosted. Stop misusing the terminology because it's muddying the waters. That person didn't ghost you. just not picking up what you're putting down and that is okay. Again, welcome to dating. Rejection is redirection. Get very comfortable with not everybody is for you. And you know what would be concerning

if they were? That would be concerning to me. If every guy was for you, I would be worried. Because then that would mean you don't really have a radar that's attuned to choosing that you'll just take anybody. But I found that to be cool. When I would go out and I'm like, cool, I'm not for everybody. I know I'm a really fucking special breed. And I'm proud of that. But how to handle ghosting is you just move on. That's why I say don't attach to the outcome. Does it hurt? Absolutely.

Would never tell you not to feel. Feel, cry. You can say fuck a million times into your fucking pillow and hit it. You can write them a letter saying how much you hate them. I don't care. Whatever makes you feel cathartic, what have your funeral for them. But above that, you know you've grown when you delete the entire paragraph out of your fucking phone and just move on with your life. You don't need to tell them anything. You don't need to

text them. You don't need to send them a letter for closure and to let them know. No, listen, they reach back out to you, then you have every right to tell them blatantly fuck off. You have every right to tell somebody, I do not appreciate your fucking actions. It was cowardice, and I don't understand why you did that, but please don't ever contact me again. You have every right to set that boundary. But if they have ghosted you, remember, that is their inability to communicate effectively like an adult. That is their inability to be able to just fucking tell you that they don't want to date you anymore.

How does ghosting have any reflection on you? On the contrary, what it shows me is how cowardice and immature and emotionally stunted that person is that they couldn't even just tell you. Now, obviously, listen, if someone's being abusive or manipulative or hurting you, like if there's a danger, of course, you have every right to ghost them. And if you are constantly getting ghosted, if it's like, every guy you date, then I would start to question, are you then creating a safe space for them to be able to talk to you? Are you allowing the space? Or are you freaking out and having all these

moments and try and protest behavior? Because you have to remember, why do a lot of people do things? Because somebody along the way fucked it up for everybody else. That's as like, have you ever noticed all those dumb rules? And you're like, why would somebody do that? And it's like, because some dumbass did it. So a lot of the guys will go, well, listen, I don't, you know, I don't have to tell somebody, especially after like a first date. If they're like, listen, I've had this before. Well, I'll tell a girl I don't want to see her and she'll fucking go bananas. And so that was why then they won't do it again. And so for me, if somebody goes, thank you so much, the trash just took itself out. So that's how I see that. And now, let's now move on to, though,

how do you dump somebody when you're dating? How do you be an adult about it? You don't want a ghost. I'm here with you. Simply put, you can just make it pretty short and sweet. Hey, I had a really great time getting to know you, but unfortunately, this is not a connection I want to continue to pursue. I wish you all the best. Take care. You don't have to be an asshole, especially if the person was nice. You can just tell them. Here's the thing. What they do after, that is not yours to own. If they freak out, they start to text you nonstop. They are doing protest behavior. They won't allow you to end it. Fine. And that happened, what protest behavior is, is a lot of times what anxious will do. It's like trying to text a ton or trying to get them to come back to you and trying to literally

protest to get them to come back your way. Then at that point, I will agree with you and saying, yeah, abort mission, block, move on. And unfortunately, that's just what it is. And like some people have to learn how to manage their own fucking emotions. And some people haven't been taught how to do that in their life. And so they will fucking freak. And they or some people on the contrary, you know, when we talk about traumas, a lot of people do that because growing up, that's what they were taught.

They were taught that if they have an extreme emotion, that they will get attention for it. So sometimes that's even just their trauma response. nonetheless, though, that ain't healthy for you. You disengage completely. But don't ghost people. Let somebody know. Listen, if you've had a date, you go on a first date and you both leave, neither one of you text each other, done.

Neither one of you texting each other. But if I, like, I've had that. We're like, I'll go on a date and I just didn't feel it. And the guy will text me after, I had a great time. I'll be like, yeah, that was really lovely things again. And then if they text the next day, that's usually when I'll just be like, hey, again, I thought you were really cool, but this isn't something I want to pursue all the best. because I just wasn't feeling it.

No one's saying that you have to on every first date. But again, here's also the thing. If you find an issue with every single person that you're dating, well, then I would start to look at, are you really ready for this? Are you really ready to receive love? You really? Because we all think we are.

We all want the easy part of the relationship, but a lot of people aren't ready for the actual part of a relationship. And so that's why a lot of people with dating, it's like you'll go out to completely go after the available person and the person that's wasting your time and the one that's playing the games because part of you knows that there is a safety there. Same with long distance.

If you constantly are dating people that don't live by you, it's like, because there's probably a part of you that knows that that's not actually going to pan out. It's not realistic. It's not going to turn into anything. So it's safer. So if you don't have the emotional death or you don't want to ask those questions,

which will lead us into the next part of this or what are some good date questions to ask, well, then again, I would start to question, are you emotionally available? Again, it can't blame everybody else. And sometimes the answer might be no. Because you know what relationships require? the most communication I have ever experienced in my entire fucking life.

Relationships require constant communication in the sense where you are not hiding parts of yourself. I tell tech guy anytime something, like if it's triggering me, not every time, but like when he does something that upsets me, I'll tell him like, hey, that was really triggering for me. And we'll talk about it. And intimacy is built by having those hard conversations. Intimacy isn't built because you guys go out and have some fun on some dates. There are a lot of people that are great at dating, but they're terrible of being a boyfriend. or a girlfriend because it requires vulnerability.

It requires you showing a part of yourself that you might lose somebody about, but it's okay because you know that no matter what you'll be okay and that if you don't show that part, you're not going to connect deeper with that person. You connect by showing that side. And this isn't trauma dumping. I'm not talking about connecting by just sharing how fucked up your life was. We all have our stories and it's really important to share that. But it's about knowing, like I don't project on a tech guy.

I don't both put my passion onto him. I know that he's a different person and vice versa, but I share with him my triggers. I share with him what's going on. We talk about like, you know, even how happy we are together. Like we all met each other's families. And like today he texts me and he was like, my whole family loved you. And I was like, my whole family loves you. I'm like, I'm so blessed and grateful to be so close to you and so connected.

And he was like, I couldn't agree more. Like, I just feel so happy with you. And I'm like, everything is really great. And we just connect. And I'll ask him. I'm like, and how did this make you feel? And he'll explain, you know, yeah, I didn't love it. or like, oh, I loved that, whatever.

But it's about showing those parts and having that communication. And so how can you start to gauge? How can you try to figure out, like, if that person's emotionally available? Well, you have to start asking some fucking questions. You have to also get curious and read betwixt the lines of what these people tell you. So one of my favorite first date questions to ask is, how did your last relationship end and what did it teach you? You don't want to know why I love that question?

because if you read between the lines, it'll tell you everything about their emotional availability. Do they completely avoid the conversation? Are they terrified about having these intimate details and moments? Are they, do they have they even processed it? Or are they going to blame everything on the girl and be a fucking narcissist and it's everybody else's problem and take no accountability? Are they just going to brush it under the rug and not want to have this conversation

because it's emotional and it's showing a part of themselves? Or are they going to be vulnerable and honest with you and share it? Like, when people ask me, I'll say, listen, I was married to a fucking narcissist. and he was not good to me. And I'm like, but I allowed it. That was my part. I was really unhealthy. I had all these core wounds and traumas.

And for me, it was really tough to walk away from that because I was in a place where I didn't know better. That's me taking ownership. I'm not blaming everything on him. It takes two people to be in a relationship. Here's my other favorite. So we're not really strangers. It's one of my favorite fucking games.

You can find it on my Amazon store if you ever need it or just look them up. But two of my favorite questions that they ask is, what goal this past year did you accomplish sooner than you expected. Start to talk about celebrations between people. What are things that you, or even ask, what is something that you're working on that you're passionate about and that you're excited about right now? Does this person have hobbies? Do they have something outside of the dating life? And you know, I'm glad I had asked this question to a guy right before tech guy. And he said, oh, I'm leaving for five months to go and do my feature film. And I said, so then you don't have time for dating. And he was like, oh, no. And of course,

sure enough, like two dates later, he was like, you know, I'm sure to think about it. And I was like, dude, I'm done. I like the point, he's a nice guy. But it was like, Like, no. And I needed, though. I needed to scratch the surface and ask those questions. And so I think it's really important, too, to celebrate those wins of like, so that way you can also be interested in things that they're interested in in. And then my last one that I love, what are you not willing to put up with next year? What boundary do you need to set to achieve this? And I love that. And you don't even have to be next year. I love to ask, what is something you used to accept in dating that you no longer will? Oh, let's see. Have they done any work on themselves? Are they a grown, evolved human?

what is their level of consciousness and self-awareness? Or are they just like, because again, you want the depth to a relationship. You want that intimacy and that love. You want your ride or die that when you're on the fucking floor crying because you need to go to the hospital, that they are there to take you,

not walk over you. And yes, that is a personal experience from my ex to the man I'm with now. Or the last guy I dated, who wasn't even there when my dog passed away. I was with him for two fucking months at that point and he had met my entire family and friends and all that. It wasn't even there for me.

Didn't even show up. And that's what on me? Where I was like, man, I overlooked a lot here. And now I will no longer do that because I want depth to my relationships. I want to have that. So I'm going to date and be, I'm going to be the version of the person that I want to also bring into my life. Simply put. And I think it's so important to get out of your box of like, no, I can't ask that.

That's too much. Oh, that's a lot. It's like, then you again are emotionally unavailable. If you are so scared to even have those conversations, then what is that? How are you going to have them later? How is that going to evolve in your dating life? If you're scared to have them now, then what's to come? And if you are scared of losing somebody and having a conversation with somebody about how you feel or how you're thinking or what,

and you're scared that they're going to walk away, then again, let me ask you, what of the fuck did you have to begin with? Because it doesn't sound like you have anybody here that is worth holding on to. You are a prize. You are worthy. You are deserving. And here's my other favorite quote. You will see it when you believe it. So if you don't actually believe that you are worth receiving this love and you don't

actually believe that you are worth having this love, then how the fuck can anybody give it to you? Because you won't even accept it. But if you really want to be more secure and date in a healthier way, then it starts with you. And it starts with you owning your shit. And that's why I'm so tired of all this fucking TikTok stuff and all these things on fucking social of how to get a guy to do this and how to get somebody else to do that. And this is why you don't have the relationship. You don't have it because you're not fucking in touch with yourself. You haven't worked on yourself. You haven't done your shit. You haven't healed your traumas. You haven't hear your wounds. because I'm telling if you're an active dater and you are going out there guy after guy after guy after guy

or girl or girl or girl or girl, I can almost put my bottom dollar on it. You have met somebody along the way. You just weren't there to see it or maybe receive it or came up with some excuse. Let's stop blaming everybody else. While I also understand dating is fucking tough, I get it. I know that it has its challenges. But I do believe that you can have the love that you really want when you become that version because you can only be there to receive it when you are there.

to be it. And I think that's a really good fucking place to end. Wow, I loved this episode. This felt really good. I hope you enjoyed it too. And I'm just so grateful for the community that we've built. I'm so grateful for everything that we get to do. And I'm just so grateful for you guys. So thank you again for fucking everything. And remember, if you need anything, you'll link it in the show notes. You can ask me a question, anything you ever need in that link. Please don't DM me. But follow on social. It's at Do the Work podcast on Instagram, do dot the dot work. And then Sabrina. Dot Zohar on TikTok or Instagram.

And I'm so excited next week. My Big Brother is back. So Joe will be here for another episode. We have Minaj, who is the founder of Open, my favorite meditation app. And the link in my bio gives you a free month. And we've got so many amazing guests also coming up that I don't want to keep naming because it will ruin it for you. But guys, I'm just so excited and grateful.

And I'm so excited and grateful for you. And I'm so happy I can help. So again, thank you for everything. If you think this episode is worth five stars, please give it. Leave some comments back and let me know how you liked it on the Spotify. And again, guys, thank you so much for everything. I love you and I'm so excited to see what's to come. You've got this.

Okay, don't forget.