The Sabrina Zohar Show - 133: How to Respond Instead of React in Relationships (Even When You're Triggered)

Episode Date: April 11, 2025

Ever feel like one tiny argument spirals into a full-blown meltdown—and you don’t even remember what started it? In this raw and transformative solo episode, Sabrina Zohar dives deep into the psychology and neuroscience of reactivity, conflict, and emotional regulation. Using personal stories, real client insights, and powerful research-backed tools, she breaks down how childhood programming wires us for knee-jerk reactions—and how to break the cycle. Whether you're anxious, avoidant, or somewhere in between, you'll walk away with practical ways to pause, process, and respond without losing yourself in the heat of the moment. This episode is packed with actionable frameworks like the 90-Second Rule, STOP Method, and Nonviolent Communication, plus insights from experts like Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, the Gottmans, and Dr. Susan David. If you’re ready to stop reenacting old trauma in your adult relationships and start showing up with more clarity, empathy, and self-trust, this one’s for you. Perfect for anyone navigating conflict with a partner, family, or even your own inner critic. MERCH IS NOW AVAILABLE! Stuck After the Podcast? Master Implementation in 8 Weeks with Sabrina's Foundation Course HERE! Do you feel like your emotions run the show and react in ways you can’t control? Join the Nervous System 101: Navigating the Unknowns In Early Dating from Sabrina and Masha Kay HERE! Struggling with a breakup? Join the Make It Make Sense: Getting Through a Breakup course from Sabrina and Britt Frank HERE! Get Ad free HERE! Want to work with Sabrina? HERE! Don't forget to follow Sabrina and The Sabrina Zohar Show on Instagram and Sabrina on TikTok! Video now available on YOUTUBE! Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formally known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A.Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar Show. My name is Sabrina Zohar, and I am your own. Hello, my babies. Welcome back to another week, and we're together. This week I'm really excited about we're going to talk about how to respond and not react and actually work it out. I know this is firsthand fucking stuff for me. Like I have experienced this myself.

I am going through it personally myself. And I'm really excited because I think for so many of us, we don't really know how to show up. And it's not a negative against us what we're. taught right. So we're going to get all into it. Guys, don't forget merch is out. I'm going to show you the back really quick. Don't believe everything you think. I'm really excited about this collection. It's something I poured my heart and soul into. We have limited edition. It's going to, when it sells out, that's it. We're not going to be like making a ton more every single time. Guys, please support. Rate review the show. Follow along on the socials and just please share it with a friend.

It means the fucking world. If you guys need anything, as always, there are the courses available, which now include group monthly coaching. Free group calls with Sheila, who is my personal coach, and she does IFS and parts work with me. She's phenomenal. So everything can be found at Sabrina Zohar.com or in the show notes. If you guys need anything, please, please don't forget. All right, babies, without further ado, let's get right on into it, shall we? Hi, friends.

Okay. I'm going to start the show off a little bit differently because I'm trying personally to show up more authentically, and part of that is embracing who I am. I tell you guys all the time to do that, and then now I need to start walking the walk and talking the talk. So I'm going to be starting off the shows with a disclaimer. If you have been with us before, welcome back, baby. We love to have you. And if you are new, let me just share a little bit about myself. I curse a lot. I speak really fucking fast. I have ADHD, and my brain works very differently. Now, while I understand that might not work for everybody,

that's okay. You don't have to stick around if that's not the dynamic that you enjoy in a podcast. But I'm just going to clarify ahead of the time, this is who I am and this is how I'm going to show up. I cannot tell you guys, there are so many positive comments that's sometimes overwhelming, but people literally DM me and be like, I don't like the way. you talk, you need to slow down, it's too fast, or leaving negative reviews because you don't let your guests talk more, you talk too much. And it's like, but this is my show. This is my home and this is my community that I am fostering with you guys. You could say whatever the fuck you want. You could DM me all day, but that doesn't mean that I need to change who I am. And so that's why I'm setting a disclaimer.

If this doesn't work for you, that's all good, man. I totally trust and value and respect your decision. But I sure hope that you'll totally value and respect mine. Everybody is welcome, but it is not my job to keep you here. And so I just want to set that disclaimer ahead of the time because I am trying to show up more authentically. I am trying to really hold on to who I am. And I am rebuilding a community under my name of who I am and how I fucking show up authentically. And that's all I want from you guys is to embrace who you are. Show up as yourself and keep fucking going. So thank you for letting me show up as me and you guys showing up as you. And again, I appreciate everybody. Thank you for the ratings and reviews, but just be cognizant of the words that we use because there is a me on the other side

that reads them all. Let's get into it. How to respond, not react. It's something, how do we talk to people? How do we communicate? What is effective communication, right? It's something that I personally, like, have really struggled with for a long time in the sense where my baseline has always been knee-jerked reaction, right? And like, I learned that really, really young in growing up. Like Sheila and I, who does our group coaching and she's taking my clients, we were doing a session the other day. And it brought me back to two-year-old me. And she was like, whoa, okay, that's a deep memory. The fact that I could go back to such a young age, I was cognitively ready for that. And I started to watch dynamics in the household of where I learned to just react, right? Oh, you're not being heard. Scream louder.

Nobody's paying attention to you. Do what you can to get seen. And it really impacted me as I got older because I didn't know how to take a breath. I didn't know what the pause meant. I didn't know how to validate other people's experience without being like, but what about mine? getting defensive, right? And I think so many of us deal with that. And so I'm super excited today that we can actually talk about that because I feel like conflict feels so hard and so heavy and so tough. And I totally understand why. But sometimes we have these minor disagreements that turn into full-blown arguments, right? Like I have seen it so many times your partners has something that triggers you. And before you know it, you're fucking raising your voice, you're shutting down, you're walking out, you're screaming, you're cursing, you're crying. And half the time, we don't even know what's going on, right? We don't know why this is happening. and why it's so hard to respond thoughtfully in these moments instead of letting our emotions take over. And I know for me, again, I was taught that at a very young age. The time my dad handles everything. My mom just shuts down.

She doesn't know how to for a long time. Or she'd get really emotional and really just start to cry and feel. And then my dad would walk out. He would scream. He would yell. He would hit us. He would do something that really taught us who you are doesn't work. So change that.

And so I never really understood how do I show up. And I just thought, okay, well, if I scream louder or I start. if I try to get the attention, right? And so, like, I can't tell you how many times when I was dating people, or, like, even let's pull it back, how many times you watch a show, 90-day fiancé, love after look, right? How many times do you watch any of these shows? And you'll start to notice, you're like, they're not fighting about what they even started fighting about, right? Like, they started talking about, like, I don't feel supported and loved, right? But instead of that person saying that, right, hey, this action that you had made me feel that blah, blah, blah, they come right out the gate of

like, well, fuck you, or you never do this, or you always do this. And it's like, that already, that person gets on the defensive. Next thing you know, it's two hours later and you're like, I actually don't even know what we're fighting about. I don't even know what you're upset about. Because oftentimes we don't really take that pause and that moment to process what is coming up for me, right? And so reactive communication, this was a study that was done in 2022. It was a journal that I saw online, but reactive communication increases relationship dissatisfaction by 40%. So there's a doctor, I love her, Dr. Deborah Dupree. She's a psychologist specializing in conflict resolution. And she states that reactive responses tend to be driven by unmet emotional needs rather than the current issue itself. So oftentimes,

like what feels like an argument about chores, right, or you didn't do this or you didn't do that, is often about a deeper feeling of like, I don't feel heard or I feel undervalued, right? And truth be told, I can relate to this. My brother and I have a contentious relationship because both of us have such severe triggers. And my sister and I, we had different relationships, right? Each one of us had a very different dynamic depending on the house and the caregivers. And don't worry, Babes, the book I'm writing, which will be out in a minute, goes over all of these stories and goes way more in depth. I'm super excited. But without over sharing about too many of the specifics, we had a session. And at first, both of us were regulated, and it was calm talking. And the second, he said

something to me. I got triggered. I shut down. And it's funny because we always assume, oh, no, the anxious person's always outwards. And it's like, no, no, no, hi, anxious attachment right here. I shut down quite often. I go inward. I go completely dorsal. I completely shut down. My The energy is depleted and I'm just like, I can't do this. I have nothing left to give. And that was the dynamic. And I started to know, I even removed myself. And my brother started yelling and he's like, see, she always leaves. And the therapist that we had there was like, no, what you're not understanding is your sister needs a word, you want to solve this. You want it to be done right now. You want it to be done right now. You want it to be done right the second. And she's like, and your sister needs a minute to process and to think about it. And that's where the disconnect can happen because we go back into those childhood dynamics of like, you need to listen to me right now and I need you to validate me. It had nothing to do with, like, what the issue that we were talking about, it wasn't about the actual issue. It was, I felt dismissed. I felt like I wasn't a priority.

I felt like I had to beg you. And unfortunately, the other person didn't quite see that. And that's okay, right? Like, we ended the conversation saying, we have more to talk about. This didn't rectify it. But even me in that moment noticed, I'm losing him. I'm losing myself because I could not regulate in that moment. And what I needed was space.

I needed to take a minute and be like, okay, come and feel what's happening in your body. How old do you feel? What's coming up for you? like, I needed to learn that responding and not reacting is a really, really important aspect of maintaining healthy fucking relationships, right? Because responding thoughtfully helps maintain emotional safety. It prevents minor issues from escalating. And it's really important to remember that because all the time we have choices. You might not like the choice, but that pause, right? Like even we noticed, I said something to my brother and he was like, okay, I understand that, but. And even the therapist,

she stopped him. And she goes, but this is what we mean. She goes, allow the pause, right? Validate. date the person's experience of like, I understand that that hurt you. And I'm really sorry. Like, that was never my intention. Allow a moment and then be like, can I also share how that impacted me as well? There's a way to talk to somebody. And for me, when I get so dysregulated and in my shit, I need space. I need a minute. I am not seeing it clearly because I'll be a bull in China shop and I'll start screaming or crying or being really big. And for so long, that was such a negative. I was always told you're too much and you're too emotional and you make a big deal out of things. But people weren't wrong in the sense that I wasn't talking about the issues at hand.

And so a study done by the Gottman's, which I really appreciate this from that 91% of conflict and long-term relationships are not about the specific issue at hand, but underlying emotional needs and patterns, right? And that's something that's really important, right? We always even say expectations are unmet needs. And more often than not, think about it for just a second, think about the last time that you had a tiff with somebody and you didn't make any progress and you're sitting there being like, am I taking crazy pills, what's going on? If we actually strip back and say what was the issue, well, they didn't take the garbage out. And it's like, it's not about the garbage out. It's about the fact that maybe you asked them to take the garbage

out six times and they didn't listen to you. And so you don't feel heard. So it's not about the fun time when you're like, I've fucking asked you to do this and you never do it. It's, hey, I don't feel like you're listening to me. I feel like this dynamic is being repeated where I feel like I have to yell and scream and beg for someone to pay attention to me. Then you could be like, oh, okay. Look, I think I've shared this with you guys. I get triggered all the time by Ryan. And so he does by me, right? Because we're human. It's very normal in a relationship to be triggered by partner's normally be triggered in life because we have a lot of experiences and trauma and things that are happening for us. And I used to just get like defensive and be like, what the fuck and

kind of come at it. And I've learned now over the two years that we've been together, that's not how it's going to work with someone more avoidant leaning. As somebody who has that anxiety, the first instinct is, I'm going to come outwards and I want to talk about it and I want to rectify it and I want you to rectify it and I want you to listen to me right now and then you tell me everything's okay and we're going to move past it and everything will be fine. And the avoidant person's like, whoa, this feels overwhelming. I need space. I need to process. This is really heavy. This doesn't feel safe to me. Growing up when I saw big emotions that meant maybe I was going to get hurt or abandoned, and I need my space. And as somebody with anxiety, hello, I also need my space. I need my space to process. And at the beginning, I used to just get

upset with him or be like, well, you triggered me and I don't blame him for being like, I don't know what to do with that. And over the years, I've really learned that when something happens, right, if I get triggered, like, give you an example the other day, he was having a moment. And again, it was something about plans and he didn't consult with me. And instead of screaming and being like, you always fucking do this and why don't you care about me? I stopped and I just said, okay, can I give me a minute? And I went for a walk and I came back and I said, to avoid resentment, can I share something with you? And that's our code. When we say that, that means stretch your fucking mouth, turn to put the phone down, turn to your partner and listen. And I said to avoid resentment, what you said was really

hurtful because of this. I didn't feel like I was a priority to you. And I didn't feel like you me when I've told you that this is something that matters to me. It's not about the plan. It's not about that issue. It's about what it represents in the deeper route. And we ended up having an hour and a half conversation very calmly of crying and understanding each other and opening up and becoming vulnerable, hugging, kissing, loving. And it could have turned into World War III where we don't talk to each other and scream and yell and irate. But instead, I had to learn. Well, that doesn't work for me. I don't want to live in that dynamic. I don't want to keep replicating childhood dynamics that aren't serving me in my adult relationships. The American psychological

Association reports that people who regulate their emotions during conflict, experience lower stress levels and greater relationship satisfaction. So some questions that you can start to ask is like, take a minute right now to ask, what is your typical reaction when you're faced with conflict? Do you lash out? Do you withdraw? Do you freeze? Do you fawn? Do you try to just make everything go away? Right? I really want you to just take a beat because for me, my instinct was lash out, scream, yell, right? Go hard. And then if that person lashes out at me, then I completely freeze. And I just shut down and I sit there. That was my baseline. Now, as an adult and somebody who's very cognizant of their triggers and dramas, I now learn when I start to feel certain feelings in my body, right? For me,

it's like this wave of heat. I start to feel really hot and overwhelmed. It's like I can't breathe and it just feels like this heaviness. I already know I'm disregulated. You ain't here, girl. And so I even said, I'm like, I don't want to say something in the regret. I'm going to remove myself. That is more than okay to say that to a partner. And then I want you to think about a recent conflict that you had. If you could redo it, what would you have done differently? And it's not about being like, I blame myself for everything and I'm blah, blah, blah, it's not about blame or shame. It's about accountability, right? Like, even with my brother's conversation when I think back on that, or times with Ryan, I'm like, I wish I had taken a minute. I wish that I had removed myself for just five

minutes. Or, you know, here's a biggie. Happens all the time. How many times have you read an email or a text and you're like, gunko fucking, blah, da, da, and then maybe two or three days later you reread it. And you're like, oh, oh, maybe they didn't mean that, right? Like, maybe I was really heightened in that moment. And I was very into that reactivity, which we're going to get to. And, oh, shit, that's not actually what they were trying to say. I've had that more times than I can count. Or you look back and you're like, no, they did mean that, right? That person was fucked up. But what's important is to recognize and be cognizant of what glasses am I wearing, right? Am I seeing this clearly? Am I the able-bodied adult that's sitting here? Or who has the mic? Am I feeling like a six-year-old that doesn't know how to

communicate. Because when we feel threatened in conflict, the amygdala, hello, the part that when you shut down, your prefrontal cortex goes offline and then your amygdala comes back on, that's our brain's emotional alarm system. So it sends the signals to activate the fight or flight response. And that bypasses the prefrontal cortex, which is our decision making in common sense, which is why we are so prone to knee jerk reactions. It's not accidental. It's not like a, oh, what, I'm doing this Half the time it's subconscious. Our amygdala stopped growing when we were six. That's not very fair now, is it? But that's the fear center. It holds onto emotion. So that's why when you're like, oh, I just need your reaction. I go right for it. This is how I've always been. That doesn't necessarily

mean it's serving you. I love Dr. Joe Bolt Taylor. And she's a neuroscientist and she discovered that an emotional reaction lasts for 90 seconds. 90 seconds. That's the time span of an emotional reaction. After that, it's your mental patterns that keep you stuck in that reactivity. That's why I always suggest put your phone down. Two minutes on the clock, do a couple of breaths and sit with the emotion. I'm feeling overwhelmed. Sit with that. It's only going to last 90 seconds, but our mental patterns, our state of affairs, the way that we think things, the way that we go right back to, this equals this, right?

It's the same with texting. Okay, the person doesn't text you or your partner says something that annoys you. Sit with it for 90 seconds. Then decide, right? Then you have agency and choice once you allow the emotion to go into your body. I hear this every day. How can I get rid of it? One of my clients messages me, and I love her. And she was like, I don't want to feel this anxiety and more. What can I do to get rid of it? It won't stop. And I was like, well, that's the problem. You're trying to get rid of it as opposed to trying to understand it. I was feeling that yesterday when I had my session with Sheila. And I was like, oh, my God, this feels so heavy. I didn't want to get away from it. I wanted to understand it. I wanted to look into it. I wanted it to talk to me. And it did. It did. It brought me back to the childhood. It brought me back to things. And you know what? It made me realize that I wasn't being authentic. It made me realize that I'd been high. behind, let me not be too much, let me be like what the audience wants me to be, let me talk about topics that they want me to talk about. And I was losing myself. That's why this wasn't going

away because I wasn't being honest with myself and authentic. I wasn't sitting with the emotions and saying, well, I'm disappointed. I'm hurt. I'm sad. Allow it. What you resist persists. And it's the same thing. Like, do you think I like ice baths? Fucking hate them. But what I know is that when I sit in it and I start to work on that, it's my mental state that is taking it over. And that's why those exercises like meditation and ice baths and sitting in the discomfort, they're so great for your mental capacity because it shows you, you're like, I can handle this. Even now, we are going through so much, y'all. I'm telling you, we have to move in like a month, not even. We have, I am redesigning my studio. Finances have completely shifted. I've stopped taking one-on-ones now. I'm working on a

book. I'm working in all these new endeavors, but I'm letting go of old. My nervous system is so overwhelmed, but you know what? I'll be honest with you. I know I can handle it. Because I've lost so much in my life, that even with the podcast name change and all the things that came with it, I was like, you know what? What else are you going to lose? If you've already lost all of this and you've already sacrificed and this is the impact of all that this had, well, then we get to rebuild. We get to rebuild authentically. And I know that my nervous system, I have that window of tolerance. It used to be where every little thing would send me crying hysterically, shutting down, and up and down. Yeah, it still impacts me because I'm human. But now I understand,

I've been through this. I've been through such tough shit. What the fuck is this now? We'll get through it. We have choices. I don't like them, but we have them. And emotional triggers from childhood, unresiled past conflicts, personal insecurities, they amplify the reactions. And that's what makes it so difficult to remain present. And I understand that. I'm not saying that like anybody's right or wrong for doing this, but we have to understand, right? There's different types of reactive responses. So there's fight. So that's escalating in the conflict that often is blaming, yelling, criticism, shaming, right? And that's that fight response when we think of dysregulation. Think about a lot of mobilized energy and you want to fight. I remember once Masha said, I was like, oh my God, I'm going to

come out of my skin. These trolls made a really mean comment. And she's like, fight them. Punch the air. And I did. And I was like, oh, that felt really good. Because I needed to move that energy, holding it into my body, it didn't know what to do. And it felt really reminiscent of childhood that I always just had to store it in here. Right. Then there's flight. Avoiding the issue, shutting down, withdrawing emotionally. And again, that's not just avoidance who do that. There are a lot of people that do. And then there's a freeze, feeling overwhelmed and you're not even able to respond. You just kind of were like, and so I want you to think about a time when you overreacted in a conflict. Really? Take stock, babe. This is not about shame or blame. This is about being honest with yourself

like, okay, what triggered my emotion? For me with my brother, it was that he had said something to me that discredited my experience. Was my response proportioned to this situation? In the moment, it felt like it was. Now in hindsight, I shouldn't have yelled. I screamed. I got really upset. I could not handle my emotional response. And it's not that I have to handle my emotions. I didn't handle the way I reacted to them. And then what underlying emotion was at play? Was it fear? Was it anger? Was it sadness? It was all of those. I was scared. I didn't feel safe. I felt like I was being judged or ridiculed or put down, right? And sometimes you have to look at what are the triggers in conflict, right? Do you feel misunderstood or unheard? Are you seeing that this is criticism or

rejection, which is what I felt? Are you fearing that you're losing control? Do you feel like a lack of respect or acknowledgement? Like, what is coming up for you? And it's really important. That's I love Dr. Susan David's work. She's an expert in emotional agility. And so she emphasizes, name your emotion. Name it to tame it. Britt Frank always says, naming our emotions accurately gives us power to regulate them instead of letting them control us. That's why I'm saying, sit in the discomfort. Hey, I feel this. Okay. Great. So now that I know what I'm feeling, now I can take control over them. So I want you to journal your emotional triggers after each disagreement to recognize the patterns and improve your response time. I want you to really take time. I want you to really take time.

time to journal after an argument or a fight or talk to somebody, right? If you just want to kind of get retrospective, what could I have done differently? How could I have improved this? What ways can I show up in a way that I wanted someone to show up for me? And that's the thing. Like, I didn't show up how I wanted someone to show up for me. And that's okay, right? I'm a human. I'm allowed to say, I can do better. But it's not going to work if I'm sitting here just being like, what an asshole, what a dick. It's like, that's not what it's about. It's the same as anytime Ryan and I have a disagreement. It's not about you're a bad person or you're this. That's going to make him shut down. What it is is here's how I am feeling.

So let's go over some tools because y'all know I love me some tools. So the first one is the 90 second ruled by Dr. Jill Bolt-Taylor. So here's why it works. The studies show that if you allow an emotion to rise and fall naturally without reacting, you gain clarity and control. So instead of reacting impulsively, right, instead of just being like, well, I need to say something. I need to text up.

I need to do this. I want you to pause. That's the first thing. Pause. I want you to breathe. And I want you to let the emotion process before. you respond. I did that. I got an email from somebody that we've been working with for a while, and ooh, baby, I saw fucking red when I saw it. And I've been sitting on it for a whole week. I'm not going

to respond. I'm not going to react how I wanted to. I wrote out the email. I didn't send it. I have yet to send it because that's not how I want to show up. I want to show up differently. But I really want to process how I'd like to respond to this. Now, everybody's going to have different experiences, right? It could be you take an hour to do that. For me, I took the week and I told them, I will contact you by the end of the week with an answer, as long as you tell somebody what you're going to do, and then do it. That's how you build trust. So here's how I want you to practice this.

The next time you feel triggered, I want you to silently count to 90 and focus on the deep breath. That's why I'm saying if you have to fucking put your clock on, right? I don't care. But sometimes, like, I've done this. It is so helpful when Ryan says something to me and I'm like, I'm just going to sit with it. I set my clock for two minutes and I just breathe into the space. And I'm like, what is coming up for me?

Where are the sensations? Oh, wow. Like, I even had my session with Masha last week. And we started to realize I said, you. She said, what's happening in your body? And I said, I keep hunching over. And I said, you know what it reminds me of my little is hiding. And so when I hunched over, it felt really heavy. And then when I opened up, it felt really raw. And it's like, because this is me being myself and open and vulnerable and standing tall versus trying to hide. And I needed to take that time because when I talked to mine, I was hunched over. I was like this. Instead, I wanted to take a minute and then open up. And it's totally okay to be like, hey, I don't want to say something I'm going to regret. That's why I'm so tired of this villainization of avoidance. It's like it's not a big deal. to say I need space, but it's not an excuse for bad behavior. If someone says, I need space, give me a day. Can we talk tomorrow? Absolutely. I can't tell you many people will write in and be like, my avoidant asks for two days. What can I do to respect it? And we're like, how can I get them to talk to me?

It's like, you can respect what they said. If someone says, give me a day or I'll talk to you Friday morning, fucking leave them alone. Give them until the time. If Friday afternoon comes, you still haven't heard from them, then you can say, hey, we had discussed and agreed that we're going to talk Friday morning. When would you like to talk? That's a different story. But it's total wonky to then start texting them Thursday night and be like, but why aren't we talking, but why are you to? But I miss you, but I want to talk to you. It's like, that's not sitting in your emotional dysregulation. The other person doesn't owe that to you when they've given you a timeline, right? If I tell my friend, give me until tomorrow and I'll get back to you, and then that

night they're texting me on stop. It's like, did I not say give me till tomorrow and I'll get back to you? It's not respecting what I'm saying. And so I want you to sit in it. That's what I mean by in the discomfort. Allow yourself to feel feelings that you don't like. And that's okay. There's nothing wrong with that. So here's the second tool. The stop method. I know Britt Frank has talked about this, but there's a DBT doctor that I love, Dr. Marsha Linehan. So the steps are the stop method. What's stop? Stop. Stop before you react. S. Stop. Stop. Remember that. T. Take a breath. Right. You could do the physiological sigh where you breathe in heavy and exhale. You could do longer exhales versus inhales to relax your body. You could do box breathing, whatever you need to do.

Right? So the S is stop. The T is take a breath. The O is observe. Notice what's happening in your body and your thoughts. This is why I'm saying like a lot of times people say, why don't I feel because you're not allowing yourself to feel. You have got to give yourself the opportunity to be like, okay, I feel really shitty. And you know what happens after that? You then validate your experience. I feel really shitty. And that's valid, considering that this person said something really hurtful to me. Right? I'm allowed to feel that. There's nothing wrong with me saying, I don't like the way I feel, or this doesn't work for me, or I feel really triggered, right? And then the P here is proceed. You get to choose a thoughtful response that's aligned

with your values, with who you are. Because when you then get to stop and say, what are my choices? How do I want to show up differently? Oh my God, it's huge, right? And part of the study that she had done was that 60% of people that use the stop method help effectively communicate. That's pretty huge. That 60% of people that engage in this, I'm one of those 60%, right? All I'm asking is like, when you're going through something and you're trying to pause, put your hand on your heart. That's it.

Just put your hand on your heart and be like, wow, I feel my heart really racing fast. Oh, it feels really tough right now to breathe. But I'm here right now. I'm sitting with myself. And I'm not judging myself for this experience. What a beautiful way to show up for yourself and allow yourself to know that's the way that maybe you needed to be taught, loved, and cared for when you were a kid. And maybe that's what was missing this whole time. Tool number three, my baby is nonviolent communication.

So Dr. Marshall Rosenberg has a way of doing this. So the key is, one, observation. Start by stating the facts without judgment. Okay? Here is what's coming up for me. The observation of the fact is you said this to me. That's it, right? That might be the fact.

you said this statement to me. Then the second thing is the feelings. Then let's talk about what's expressing the emotions authentically without blaming. So maybe it's you said this to me and I started to feel really sad and overwhelmed. I'm not blaming you fucking asshole. You made me feel. No, you did not. You said this and it made me feel this.

Then the third thing is needs. Identify the unmet needs that are driving the emotional reaction. So for me, it could be like when Ryan and I've had an issue, Hey, you said this to me and it made me feel like I wasn't a priority. And that's why I got so defensive and so upset is because my needs are, and then here's the fourth part, make the request, right, making clear actionable steps. My need is, I need you to communicate with me when you're going to make plans so that I don't feel left out of the decision making process. Right. I'm giving very clear actionable deliverables, right? And this is what I'm saying.

Instead of like, you never listen to me. That's not what this is about. probably what could work is I feel unheard. Like I share things and I don't get a response. Can we work on checking in more? Can we work on connecting more? Can we talk about what's coming up for you? Right? And again, like they did a lot of studies on this and they saw that 50% of decrease in reoccurring arguments happen when you start to practice nonviolent communication. I can't tell you how many times I see it where I'm like, whoa, if that's how you approach this person, no wonder they shut down. Wouldn't you? If someone came in a task, them of like, what the fuck? Why didn't you call me? You fucking said you were going to call me. It's like, whoa, dude, you're, I'm guilty before I'm proven innocent. Isn't the point of this type of conversation and to get to know and get clarity? Big part of it. All right. And the fourth tool, cognitive reframing. I love Dr. Aaron Beck's work. So why it works is often like our reactions stem from a distorted thinking pattern. So we're catastrophizing. We're personalizing. We're assuming the intent. How many times it's happened, right? Think about it. This person didn't text me because they don't like me. And that's where I go and I'm, and I'm I'm like, that's black and white thinking. We're like, we have to reframe here. Instead of, well, they don't care about me. They don't think about me. Maybe it could be, they might be preoccupied and I could be more clear about my needs, right? If I want someone that's going to text me every single day when we're in a relationship, then that means I need to talk to this person about it. And you need to see if that's something that they're also comfortable with. And I don't

need to make assumptions and blame and go right to, well, that's because they don't give a shit. It's the same thing with the avoidance stuff. I'm tired of the narrative that avoidance don't care. It's like they have their own anxiety. They are shutting down. There's a big difference between an an avoidant attachment style and an avoided personality disorder. That's why I'm saying they're not the same. I'm tired of that rhetoric. Avoidance do this and this and they just avoid and they shut down. It's like they shut down because look at also how you're approaching them. Again, my favorite line in a eternal sunshine, constantly talking is not necessarily communicating and as an anxious attacher. We think, well, I'm saying it. It's like, no, it's a barrage of fucking thought processes,

but there's no through line. And there's no cohesion because it's just a lot of feelings and assumptions and thought. but there's not actually someone that's like, hey, here's how this impacts me and here's what I need. Because the beautiful thing is if they can't align it, great, they're not for you. That's it. So here's a practice. I want you to write down your automatic thoughts during conflict and then reframe them with evidence-based reasoning. So again, if that means that your boss comes to you with critical feedback about defensiveness, then maybe what we do here is, okay, maybe I am getting really defensive.

Maybe I am like showing up like that. So maybe what we could do is I will respond with. Thank you for letting me know. Instead of, let me show you every reason, right? And I get that. As a child, like in our childhood, you were automatically guilty. There was no explanation. So now it's let me over explain.

Let me share too much. Let me say everything so that you can see I didn't do anything. But that might not be the kid. Maybe your boss is just like, hey, just take fucking accountability and ownership. You fucked this up. You missed a timeline. Instead of coming at them being like, well, I miss a timeline because of all this. It's like, you're right.

I miss the timeline. I appreciate you letting me. no and giving me a second chance. It will go so fucking far. Your ego does not need to step in. Right. It's the same with relationship conflict. I want you guys to express the unmet needs without the escalation of the situation, right? Families, you handle boundary setting, you discuss it with calmness. And that's okay. Like, if they are people, if you have people that cannot engage with that, then the boundary could be, hey, I'm going to remove myself if we can't have an honest and open conversation with respect. Because I don't feel like you're actually listening to me. I don't

feel like I'm being valued. I don't feel like my boundaries are being respected. And I'd be curious, if you guys choose, whether it's the 90-second rule, whether it's nonviolent communication, I want you to commit to that within your next difficult conversation. Because again, it's the same as like when you start to have the what are we conversations. I understand how you want to just react and be like, you're fucking liar and you said that you wanted this. And it's like, but instead maybe we could do is pause for a second. And even if it's something that someone says that you don't want to hear, can we hold space for like, well, I at least appreciate your honesty. I'm allowed to be hurt, and that goes without saying. And my feelings are valid, but that doesn't mean that they need

to become your issue. And I'd be really curious to see if you start to respond and not react, how that transforms the way you have relationships. To change the game for me, I used to react. I'd get negative comments, I'd get negative DMs, and I would just lash out, I would curse, I would scream, I would cry, and then I realized, girl, this ain't serving you. This isn't serving you. They're winning. You're allowing them to win because when other people can control and dictate your emotions and your mood and your space, well, then you have lost control of yourself. And that is far too large of a price to pay. And again, this is a muscle to work. This isn't, I'm not expecting that you're going to like wake up tomorrow and all of a sudden everything is going to be daisies and roses.

Every day that you are granted life on this planet is an opportunity to try again. Every day that we are here and breathing is an opportunity to change how you respond versus react, to change how you show up, to change how you handle a situation, and to change the choices you're making for yourself. That is part of radical acceptance and accountability. The way you react, it's a choice. You might not like that choice, but you are choosing not to regulate. You are choosing to have a need-jerk reaction. Again, it might not be cognitive, might not be conscious. But you get a choice. I'm saying that to empower you, not to put you down. And it really changed the game for me. I was like, I can choose how I want to show up and I can choose the relationships I want to have in my life.

It's a really beautiful place to be. Guys, as always, I'm fucking proud of you. I know that this is not easy. And again, part of this podcast is we're going to be building. We're going to be learning more about ourselves. We're going to be exploring different aspects and nuances and different behaviors. It's not just dating advice anymore. Like, we've evolved beyond that. And again, I understand if this show doesn't work for some people, right? We have the ad free. And every day people unsubscribe saying, listen, I got what I needed out of this. And that's great. And then every day we have new people coming in subscribing saying this is just what I need right now. Please take what works for you and leave what doesn't. You have ever. every right to do that. But I really hope that for today, this could be something that would really help in the way that you show up with conflict, in the way that you repair, and in the way that you handle relationships, whether that be personal, professional, friendships, or family. You matter. Your voice matters, but it's how we use it. My mom has always said it's not the message, it's the delivery. And for years I didn't understand it. Now I do. Because you can get more bees with honey, my babies, when you just come from a place of empowerment and not like a child begging their parents to give them

attention. It's not going to serve you. Guys, thank you as always for sitting with me for another episode. I love you. I'm grateful for you. Please don't forget to rate review the show. Please don't forget to share it with a friend. And please, we have merch. We've got courses, whatever you need. I am here for you. And I'm just so grateful that you sat with me this long. And thank you guys for showing up. Thank you for being here. And thank you for allowing me to show up as me so that you can also show up as you. And until next time, Madel, I love you.