The Sabrina Zohar Show - 139: Dating Nightmares & Advice: In The Trenches with Nicole Byer

Episode Date: May 13, 2025

What happens when you're exclusive with someone… but barely hear from them? In this candid and laugh-out-loud episode, Sabrina sits down with comedian and actress Nicole Byer to unpack messy modern dating scenarios straight from audience questions. From breadcrumbing in long-distance “situationships” to partners who can't express their feelings, they break down the emotional chaos with humor, honesty, and zero sugarcoating. They also dive into why the “cool girl” never actually wins, how to tell if you're settling, and why so many of us stay in dynamics that don't serve us—hoping love will eventually show up. Whether you’re questioning if someone’s into you or wondering if you’re truly ready for a relationship, this episode will leave you laughing, thinking, and feeling seen. MERCH IS NOW AVAILABLE! Stuck After the Podcast? Master Implementation in 8 Weeks with Sabrina's Foundation Course HERE! Do you feel like your emotions run the show and react in ways you can’t control? Join the Nervous System 101: Navigating the Unknowns In Early Dating from Sabrina and Masha Kay HERE! Struggling with a breakup? Join the Make It Make Sense: Getting Through a Breakup course from Sabrina and Britt Frank HERE! Get Ad free HERE! Want to work with Sabrina? HERE! Don't forget to follow Sabrina and The Sabrina Zohar Show on Instagram and Sabrina on TikTok! Video now available on YOUTUBE! Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formerly known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A.Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, Nicole. Hi, hi, hi. I am so fucking excited to be here with you. I'm excited to be here with you. Okay. For anyone who doesn't know you, which you're missing out, could you introduce yourself, share how magical you are? I'm Nicole Beyer.

I'm an actress, a comedian. I wrote a book. I mean, it's a picture book, so there isn't that many words, but I guess an author? I have podcasts. I just want to make the world nicer and make people smile. And I love comedy. And I love that you're wearing smiles right now. Hey, we're matching.

When I got dressed, I was wearing the other set from this company. I think it's called Lala. Dressed in Lala? Yeah, dressed in Lala. It's brown and black checkered. And I put it on and I was like, mm, not bright enough. You're like, imagine if I wore the white and black checker, we would have. Oh, I would have died.

I truly would have died. And like, I swear we didn't plan it. Instead, I wore my backstreet boy shirt. Which I love. Thank you. They're going back on tour. Everyone's going back on tour. The economy will get worse.

Can't wait. I'm not kidding. Beyonce has toured. This is her second tour in like four years. It's going to get worse. She was in a Verizon commercial. There's so many celebrities in commercials, it's going to get worse. Save your money. Save it for Backstreet, boys. Oh, okay. Before we go into audience questions, I wanted to see. You're single, right? No, I'm not. I have a boyfriend.

It's been a solid chunk of months. It's not been a year yet. I don't really talk too too much about him because he is not an actor. He did not ask for any of this. He did not ask to date a woman with a podcast where she talks about or a love life. Boy, do I get that. But he's a real sweetie. He's nice. How'd you guys meet?

We met on Hinge. Same. Yeah. Me and Ryan met on Hitch. So, yeah, Ryan, that's my partner. Same thing. When he first met, that's why he was called Tech Guy. He was like, please just keep me anonymous.

He works in tech. He's like, I didn't ask for any of this. I don't want any of this. And it is such a fine. line you got to dance with because you're like, well, it's my job. And then I'll just ask him. I'll be like, can I talk about this? And he's like, I trust you. Stop asking. I'm curious. What were you seeing in the dating landscape? Because like, I mean, it's been a couple years for me. So it's like, I don't know, but probably same shit different day.

Bad. Just bad. And then it's a lot of compromising and being like, I think I could be okay with this. Like this man who was polyamorous, we were talking. And I was like, you. I don't want to be in a polyamorous relationship. I am a jealous person and I just want to be like the one person somebody loves. And I understand having a capacity to love a bunch of different fucking people. But I was like, I just want to be the one fucking person. And I was like, you know what? I'm going to go out with him because I don't, I started dating with no expectations.

Just being like, if I have a nice time, wow. If I have a bad time, I have a story or whatever. But I just remember being like, I'm going to go out with this polyamorous man. And I was like, I'm compromising my values. For what? For maybe a nice time? For something I know absolutely is not going to work because I don't want that. So that's what dating is like.

That's when people are like, how do I know what I'm settling? I'm like that right there. When you have to sacrifice morals, ethos, ethics values, well, wait a minute, can we talk about, do we have any good stories? Anything that sticks out of like either the wildest first date or just a monumental that you're like, I couldn't make this up. I went on a date with a man who wore suspenders and was little. And I'm okay with a short king. I simply don't care. I think I'm taller than everybody. I'm not. I'm only 5.5. But I went on a day with him and I was like, oh, he's so much smaller than I thought. And I was like, I can deal with that. That's fine. But then he had so many questions about standup. And I was like, oh, this is like a one-on-one teaching session. I'm doing a TED talk for you. And he was so annoying. And he like went to the bathroom. And it was this bar in Silver Lake. And, I went to go get another drink and the bartender was like, oh, are you having a good time? I said, no, I'm on a very bad date. And he just kept making the drinks. He goes, I'm sorry.

What? I said, I'm on a bad date, very, very bad. He's so small. He keeps asking weird question. And he starts laughing so hard and then just kept bringing drinks. And the guy was like, oh, do you know him? And I was like, no, but I'm going to forget I was here. Thanks to him. He's making this night. Yeah, it was very fun. I was like, okay, it was a nice time. I've had men get upset that I don't want to go home with them, which is, you know, on the scarier side, but also I'm in public. I'm not, I could take you. I could take you. I scream and I go, help me.

Girls, come on, get them. And they come out of the closet. I remember once, the wildest date I had. It was a guy that, like, I'd know when we were hooking up. It was one of those types of things. And we went to the bar. It was called the Blind Barber in New York. I don't know if you've ever been.

Yes. This was 2009. So this was when, like, before the bridge and tunnel kids figured out, this was, like, this was when the blind barber was fucking cool. It was cool. No one knew about it besides locals. You'd ask and you're like, oh, you all live around here. You started to see the crowd change or you're like, someone's marketing. Mm-hmm. And someone put this on Instagram. Exactly. I'm like, this went viral.

And I remember we were sitting there. It was like an L-shaped bar. And it was me and the dude. And there was this guy at the end. And the bartenders all knew me because I was there all the time. I like knew all and we were friends with everyone. How many of my friends were hooking up with them? And the guy goes to the bathroom and all of a sudden the bartender, I guess he didn't know.

He wasn't sure like what was the dynamic because we weren't touching each other. And he just comes up and he's like, here's a drink. And I was like, excuse me? And he's like, the gentleman over there has sent it. And I said, no, thank you. I'm literally on a date. on a date. And next thing I know, I'm down on my phone and I look up and the guy just comes and sits next to me and says, you didn't want my drink. And I said, no, I didn't. I was like 20. I'm not even 21 yet. And I'm like, no, I didn't. And then the guy comes out of the bathroom. And he's standing there. And the guy comes out and he goes, he's just like, hey, man. And the guy just looks at me. And he's like, hey, he was like, so that's my seat? And the guy goes, yeah, dude, I was sitting here. And then the guy goes, who are? He goes, what's this dynamic? And then the guy just grabbed. me and kisses me and he goes, she's my sister.

And the dude just like, he just looked and I was like, yeah, we roll differently. And the needless to say, he just got up and left us. But also, how ballsing. Right. I want to, okay, it wasn't a date. My friend worked at this restaurant on the Upper West Side that's No More called Henry's. I think it was like on 109th in Broadway. I was there all the time.

Met this guy. He was fine. He does this Obama impression that was not funny. It was bad and not funny. And I was like, I'm going to go home with him. Because he lived directly across the street from the bar. And I was like, if it's good, I'll stay. If it's bad, I'll come back to the bar.

So I go to his place. We're hooking up. I didn't realize how drunk he was. And I was on top of him. And he was like, you have to get off me. And I was like, oh, okay. And then he power pukes into his bed. And I was like, I'm leaving.

And he couldn't say words because he was vomiting so much. But I left my favorite bra there. And this was in my 20s where I didn't have money to get another good bra. And it was devastating. And I still think about that bra. I've done some gnarly. I found a bra on a dude. Like I literally went to grab the phone turd her and found another girl's bra.

And I was like, I'm keeping it. Because I asked him, I was like, do you know who this is? Right. And he was like, no. And I was like, it's a nice one. It was not underwear. Okay. Shall we?

Yes. Enough of our dating stories. Okay. I'm going to read it to you and then let's talk about it. Okay. All right. Hey, Sabrina and guest. I'm in a dilemma and had a question on what do you do?

I've been seeing this guy for over a year now who lives about four hours away. Currently, he is traveling for six months in Asia and shared his decision with me. Told me he wouldn't be able to visit me until he gets back. I wish him safe travels and our communication dwindled. Yeah. We agreed to be exclusive but did not have the dating chat yet. We've had other important chats like both agreeing with no children, why our last relationship. relationships filled, et cetera, until I received an email from him asking me to download the app so we

could continue communication. We chatted and talked. I shared with him, I missed him, and he said the same, but he couldn't wait to see me again. Then we don't talk for a few weeks, but I understand he's busy working, traveling. I mean, with Kay with waiting a few more months and seeing what happens than due to the connection, I feel, and our shared values. If he doesn't reach out, I'd assume he wasn't interested and moved on. What do you think? Thank you. What do you think? That's tough. I simply do not ascribe to putting your life on hold for somebody. I think it's one of those things that's like you made a choice. You said you want to go friends around somewhere else for six months. Is that what they? Half a year. So I think for half a year,

you can break up. Break up for half a year. And then when they come back, try to rekindle, you're already four hours away. And then this man put even more space between you guys. My whole thing, I'm with you. I don't think that you should ever put your life on hold. And I have concern with if somebody like I've dated I've done I don't know if you ever done long distance no sure haven't it's it's neither you're not it doesn't seem like fun no I dated a guy many moons ago and he went to china for the month okay cool like here's a thing there was a difference if you've been dating like you and your partner right if he wouldn't he was like you know babe I got a job for three months yeah sure go and I'll figure out a way to visit him exactly and he'll come you right after you have your nightly

face times whatever if you know that there's like an expiration and you're like okay but my confusion here's like, we decided to be exclusive, but we didn't have the dating show. It's like, wait a minute, you're going to be exclusive, which means like, so you're not allowed to date anyone else. You're not allowed to touch anyone else. He's going and doing God, what was why? Yes. We don't know how long they've known, right? And so I think that's always my concern is like, what are we waiting for and how do you know that when this person gets back, one, they're going to be interested in the connection and that you will. Yeah, I really, it bums me out to think that this person is just waiting and not living. And by living, I mean, like, great, yeah, you go out with friends or

whatever, but it's like, what if the person you're actually meant to be with is like at Albertsons? And you're like, I can't look at that person because, you know, my person's in China or wherever or in Asia doing whatever. I simply think that's a little cray-crank. Amazon presents Jeff versus Taco Truck Salsa, whether it's Verde, Roja, or the Orange One. For Jeff, trying any salsa is like playing ron. Russian roulette with a flamethrower. Luckily, Jeff saved with Amazon

and stocked up on antacids, ginger tea, and milk. Habaniero? More like habanier, yes. Save the everyday with Amazon. Okay, she said, I've been seeing him for over a year now. I guess, so here's my thing, right? Because I'm piecing it together. Sometimes I have to read it a couple of times

to think, did I get all this? Obviously, there's so much missing to the situation. I think what I'm happening is, then we don't talk for a few weeks. That's wild to me. If we're exclusive and I'm the only person you're interested in, I don't think you have to talk every single day, depending on who you are. I mean, I prefer in every single day, like a nice little check-in or whatever if I don't see you. But weeks at a time. Weeks at a time. That's wild to me. Like, not even a check-in. And you can't use the excuse that the person's in a different country. WhatsApp is a thing that works on Wi-Fi.

There's still Skype. Skype? It'll be gone soon. It will be gone. Zoom. Yeah, you could Zoom. You do FaceTime. You can do anything. You do anything. I'm cognizant of like time distance, but the few weeks is my issue. Yes. If she was saying like he wants me to come visit or even not, if we have night leave, whatever, like every week we have like our date together or check in. I'd be like, okay, you're keeping the connection alive. This is breadcrumming, I feel like. Yeah, I'm with you. It's like you can have a little. Exactly. And then I'm going to go away. And then from him asking me to download an app so we can. continue conversation. It's like, right, but that was through, it's like that none of this was discussed prior to the trip and what are the boundaries and like, and also even saying to your point of like, hey, I don't really want to put my life on hold. I don't know when you're coming back.

I feel like this is a symptom of being a chill girl. The cool girl. Where you're like, oh, I'm chill. Nothing bothers me. No, go. I'll be here. I'll be here. Just go to you. No, don't be chill. Don't be chill. Because you're not chill, because you're writing this question to a dating show. Like, you're asking for advice on this and you know, you know in your heart, this isn't okay. I'm with you. The cool girl, somebody asked me the other day, why doesn't the cool girl ever get the guy? And I was like, because one, she's one dimensional. Same with the nice guy, right? That's their personality. But second of all, because saying no is hot. Setting boundaries is so fucking sexy when I'll never forget. I don't know if I told you on your show or not,

but when Ryan and I first started dating and I'd ask him for more texting. Yes, I think you, but remind me. Just nonetheless, it was very simple where I was like, hey, could we have more texting in between our dates? And like, to be fair, we'd only have like five or six. It wasn't like, we weren't like in anything monogamous. And he just said like, hey, you know, great to hear from you, blah, blah, blah, but like, no, I'm not interested in that. He was like, no, I'm not interested in that. He was like, no, I'm not interested in texting. He was like, I'm not interested in texting. I don't want a workaround. I can talk on the phone. I'm seeing you, like, we can come up with something. I can do other things. And I love that. Same. I love that someone who's not interested in texting is like, there is a workaround. I can talk on the phone. I can FaceTime. I can do other things. I just simply don't want to look at my phone and text back and forth. And I think that's so reasonable and nice. You'd be surprised how many people, how much, I mean, you see the same side of the internet, I'm sure. Yeah. Of the, like, if a guy doesn't text you every day, he's not into you. Which is insane.

My boyfriend's not, he's better at texting. He's better. He's an Android. I have an iPhone. Same. So we just use WhatsApp and it works better for us. And anytime I'm like, oh, sir, I need attention. I just say it.

Right. And he's like, okay, okay. I'll give it to you. I love that you and I both met him on Hinge that were not in this industry that are like, please keep me away. You both have Android that you talk on WhatsApp. I'm like, are we dating the same? We should start that Facebook. Are we dating the same guy? Are we dating the same guy? Have you ever seen this groups? It's wild. I've never seen them. I've heard about them. And how diabolical of these men. I feel bad. But I'm like, oh my, okay, can I tell you a story? I just read. I just read about this man. He was from South Africa, got a woman pregnant, when she was, I think, 16 and he was like 26 or something like that,

well, leaves her, just leaves her. He says, BRB and goes to England, gets involved with a lady. They start skydiving. And then he messes with her pack and tries to kill her. She survives with like a broken back. And then when the police are questioning, because the guy who owned the place was like, I can't have like, you know, messed up packs. This is my livelihood.

This, that, and the other. I think it was tampered with. So the police got involved. go to her house. She's like, I don't think my husband would do that. But we did have a gas leak the other day. And I looked at like the valve and it was like there was blood on the wall, but not to turn it off. It's like how you would turn it on. And the police were like, I think your husband tried to kill you. And she was like, no. And then he also had another girlfriend and another girlfriend and was seeing prostitutes. And when they looked at his phone, he never sent a wrong message

to anybody. And I was like, this man could have cured cancer. Yeah, I was going to say, what's his organization skills? That's so wild. Do you have like a Monday board? You know what I mean? Like a slack where he's like, okay, I told her this. I mean, probably. But I was reading it and I was like, well, each detail was so much more surprising than the last. And I was like, I don't know how. And I'm sure there's women out there who do that, people who do that. People who do that. But I feel like you just hear a lot of men who do that. And I'm like, how? How do you have the time? How? The time in the bandwidth. Right. This is also why I say to people where I'm like, you don't fucking know these people. And they're like, yes, I do. I'm like, no, you don't.

You don't. It's taking me, I love Ryan, take me two years to really get to know it. And there's just going to be more things. But like, I have been, I'm trying to remember. Oh, I remember this one guy. I went on a date with this guy. Well, there was two stories. One guy I went out with this.

He was very lovely. One of the most handsome guys that you're just like, you're real. Like, come on. And we had this amazing time. And I'll never forget. We went back. It was like a few dates later. We went to his house.

We didn't do anything. We never hooked up. We just made out. And I remember once, like I lifted it, like he had like a suitcase or something. And I was like, oh, do you need me to help you empty it? And I lifted it and I saw this AA book. I didn't think anything of it. My brother had an addiction problem. So I was just like, oh, like, we don't have to talk about it. I just looked at me. I was like, we don't need to talk about this. Like, totally fine. Ghosts me. Never hear from him again. then maybe a few months. It was one of those things a few months later, all of a sudden you're like, whatever happened to that guy? I googled him, and I found out he had taken his life. And when I found out why he was part of this crazy college scandal where he had been touched by his professor or like his coach.

His whole thing. And I remember thinking I knew this guy and I know him and I know him. And it's like, no, I didn't. No? And that's okay. Like I to this day was like, man, I wish I could have supported it. But that wasn't my job. I only like four or five dates with this guy.

But I've had that. I've like reverse image search people and found that they had like a record or like not like a good like not an okay record of like, oh, you've like assaulted women record. And long story short, you don't know people. You truly don't know people. I don't even think you know people after a year. No. I think maybe like I think two years is like the actual point of which you're like scraping the surface of knowing somebody. Just getting.

Because I have friends for decades where I'm like, huh. You surprised me with that. Yeah. They tell you a story and you're like, I never know that about you. It's a while. All right, next question, ready? Anonymous, please. Okay.

I've been with my boyfriend for a year. He leans avoidant and has a hard time expressing emotions. I'm very open and expressive person. He likes that part of me. That's why you're dating and avoiding because they like that. I know he cares for me, demonstrated through his actions over time. I've expressed to him that I need more communication and I need to know how he feels about me. The context for this is I was married.

Now divorce and with my ex of 22 years, met in college, married two kids. Last decade of our marriage, ex never expressed or did actions, demonstrating love or care. I was often on my own with my kids. When we got divorced, he said, we should stay together for the kids, and I said any other reason beyond the kids. My big issue is I'm hypersensitive to making sure who I date truly likes me for me. I get that. So, first question. How do I work through this on my own?

Yes, in therapy. Two, what are realistic expectations from the guy that I've been dating? Three, what are different ways that I might ask him to show affection if words can really scare him? We've been together for a year and see each other six times a month because of my schedule on his work. I'm not looking for marriage, but rather a deep, authentic, meaningful relationship. He is incredibly kind and caring. so I know if I ask for this, he can do it. I just don't know how to ask the right way.

Okay. That's tough. I think she can explain all that to him. I think it's like, hey, can we have a tough conversation? I'm not sure that you like me. And I guess I know that you like me because you're here. But can you think of a way that you can express how much you like me? I like gifts.

I like flowers. I like words of affirmation. So is there a way that you think you're thinking? you could help me feel more loved. Yeah. I love that thing. A hundred percent. I, Ryan and I went through this because he's a little bit more avoidant leaning. And there was just times, it's not that he's not like, you know, affection and outwardly.

But we had one conversation recently and I just said, like, what is it that you like you like? I'm asking you that. Like, genuinely, why are we together? And he kept saying stuff and I was like, so you like what I could do for you. You like how I make you feel, right? And he stopped and he was like, this is a really valid question. I want to sit on this. And what did he do?

Because he's not the best at just like coming right out and being like, let me just share with you. And I told him it would mean a lot for me. me if you could just share with me more about what do you genuinely like about me as who I am? Similar to her thing of like not what I could do or whatever. Because that's always been my like Achilles heel is like I've had a lot of friends or people in my life because they can benefit from what I can do for them. But not necessarily for who your heart and soul is. And now what he do every morning for the 30 days, I wake up to a card.

And he writes me one thing in there that he likes and he explains it. And that's just our way, right? He might not be the best at saying that to my face. And sometimes he will like, I'll come down. He's like, you get your card. But sometimes not. And I think to your point, it's like have this hard conversation of like, hey, can I share something with you? My ex, like, as you know, my ex and I had like a tumultuous relationship.

And for so long, I felt like I was only there for the kids or I was only there for serving them. And now in our dynamic, it would feel so incredible if you could share with me. Like you said, maybe if you could do this or if you could do this, sometimes we have to tell people. And I hear this all the time. I'm curious your thoughts when I say it. when people are like, why do I need to say it? Why do I need to tell them? They should know.

Okay. I used to be of that school. Me too. I used to be like, well, you should just infer what I need. But people are not mind readers. No. And it's okay to be like, I need this or I would like this. And honestly, you can say it.

The person could either reciprocate what you want or not be able to meet you halfway. And that's a reality. And if that person can't meet you halfway, then you, have to go, then can I be with that person? And I think people don't want to have conversations like that because then you have to make a choice. That was always the hardest part for me, because I figured if I don't have the, you know, and it's like, I know you know what I'm talking when you're dating and you know it's not right in your gut, but to admit it means you have to do something about it. Yeah. To admit and say, this person's not for me. They're not satisfying

my needs. Now means, okay, what are my choices? What am I going to do? So it's easier to just be like, I just am waiting for them. I don't know what they're going to do. And I would say the first question, how do I work through this on my own? There's a couple of things here that come to mind for me. And I'm curious what you did to work on that as well. For me, it would be one validating, right? Start with validating that like you're allowed to say, I'd love to hear how my partner feels about me. Then I think it's also discerning between, am I creating a narrative about what this means? What's the story I'm telling myself? And if the story is just like, with me and Ryan, it was just very like, I just want to know clarity. I just, I was kept saying, I just needed more

clarity as to like, why are we, what are we fighting for? What are we working towards? Versus, well, he didn't say this. That means he doesn't like me and I knew it right. And then seeking that external validation. Those are really important to differentiate between the two because one is, okay, let me validate myself, understand what's going on. Oh, I'm not creating a narrative. Okay, it's important to talk versus, oh, yeah, that's my littler. Like, I feel really childish when I say that, blah, blah, blah. But what did you do? Like, what was your process? Mine was a lot of, so I read this book called Calling in the One. Okay. And, and, And allegedly you read it and you meet your partner. I did not finish it. But in the book, it was like, what are you making up? What are you doing that makes the thing you made up come to life? Because it's not just things are happening. You're kind of helping things happen. So now if I feel in my friendships and in my romantic relationship, like if I if something happens and it makes me like angry, like a,

I'll just stop for a second. I'll be like, what am I making up and what is real? And then I'll ask for clarity. And then I'm like, okay, so it wasn't what I made up. It's this, this is the problem or whatever. And then sometimes it's like, I am the problem. And I need to not be defensive if someone's like, Nicole, you did X, Y, and Z. It's like, yes.

Yes, I did. Taking stock. I'm so sorry. Would you like to know why I did it or no? Because you don't have to know. It's whatever you want. I hurt you. So it was a lot of like, what am I making up and what is real?

Yeah. And taking walks and self-regulating. Oh my God, walks or they're my best friend. I go out. Even clients are like, do you want to just like talk on the phone? I'm like, I'm going to go for a walk. Like we can talk. The bilateral movement really helps so that we could process.

Super fucking helpful. I love it. I never realized even when I would take climb when my dog was alive. I would take him for walks like 10 hours of the day. And I never understood what I was doing. I'm like, oh, my anxious ass was regulating without even knowing it. Uh-huh. All right.

Shall we next question? Yes. Okay. Hey there. My name is Sydney. Hey, Sydney. I recently started listening to your show, and I love it. I listen to the YG Ghost where you send to send questions.

So here's mine. How do I navigate my complicated web of relationship situations and how do I know if I'm ready for a relationship? All right. Backstory. You ready? Morning, it's a bit long and complicated. Now, that's not that long. Okay.

I've seen longer. I've written texts longer than this. All right, I'm 22 and got out of a four and a half year long relationship with the guy I imagined a future with, kids, marriage, etc., in September. We both just graduated from college. He started working for an engineering program and I was planning going to grad school. I applied to grad school in Colorado where we both lived in Pennsylvania. Once it was finalized, I was going to pen because I only got into the school there. We broke up. He wasn't willing to move to be with me and we tried long distance before and it didn't work out. So we didn't want to do it again. Fair. But there was also a lot of other issues going on prior to that. We wouldn't see each other for three weeks at a time. Even though he lived 35 minutes apart. And sometimes he wouldn't text me for two days. He's a huge friend group, which was also my college friend group, who always seemed to take priority over me and he's really close with his family who spent a decent amount of time with. I was a little too forgiving about him not making me a priority. But it was also very very independent and living at home while going through some mental health stuff, which made things difficult.

We never had sex. Oh, she said, oh, we also never had sex, like only three times over the course of four and a half years. Oh. It just didn't really work for a lot of reasons, but also never got to see each other. Okay. For four years. What were we doing? I mean, I get it.

You're young, but you're young. Yeah. That's the time, baby. You're a bunny. All right. Anyway, right after the breakup, literally three days after, I reconnected with a guy who was my high school relationship rebound guy. He had just moved back to Colorado after college, and he had also just got to,

out of a relationship, although this was only a month ago. Anyways, we started going out and fucking, like, every weekend. You're making up for lost time. This was super new and exciting for me, and I also started really bonding with his roommate, especially ever had lost the entire friend group from my college friend relationship. Me and this guy I was now seeing, both made it clear we didn't want a relationship, though. He was fully aware that I just got out of a four-year relationship, and he was starting his career, so he wanted to focus on that.

Okay, she wrote butt, and I thought that the butt was he wanted to focus on, he wanted to focus on, but? I was like, butt stuff? A little bit of anal? What? I was like, we're going there? But I started getting attached and I think he did too. And with unclear boundaries, it led to both of us getting a bit hurt by stupid things. So we had the what are we talk, which was the most unproductive thing ever because both of us just kept saying, I don't know, I don't want to be in a relationship. So we landed on being friends. Two weeks later, we were drunk, kissing on a rooftop. Can we just quickly preface that the friend's thing? It doesn't work. It doesn't work. Y'all still want to fuck. Yeah. And you're hurt. So please stop.

And I simply don't understand why people are like, I don't want to be in a relationship and then start to do. relationship things. That's the no accountability. I don't know you anything. Yeah. Yeah. So they said, so we landed blah, blah, two kissing on the rooftop, New Year's and was telling me he had been thinking about dating me. We go home, and the next morning when he drove me home, we had the what are we combo again, and he said he wanted to be friends. Again, two weeks later, same shit happens and we sleep together. So now I don't know where things are, what's happening. This man has shown me zero emotional intelligence and can't have a deep conversation to save his life. I try and opening up a little and immediately realize that was my mistake. So I do not see myself having

a future with him, but his friends are super fun to hang out with and the sex isn't bad, so I don't want to lose him, question mark? I don't know. I also keep thinking about my ex. I decided that I'm no longer going to grad school for a lot of reasons and none of them involving boys and I really healed for my mental health shit

I was going through. So I just keep wondering if it could be different with my ex now and we could actually make it work. All this is confusing, but please help. No. No. Four years?

That's a great try. That's such a good long try. And sex three times in four years. Yeah. That means a whole year went by with nothing. Yeah. If we're statistically speaking, Yeah. It's like, when did it happen? Three in the same night, right? And then it was once and done,

bam, bam, thank you ma'am. Maybe, but I think it's, oh. I'm with you. Why? Why would you want to go back to that? And then this man who she's fucking and having a nice time with, I think when he's drunk, wants to be in a relationship because I think that's what he actually wants. And I think he's just too scared. Oh, yeah. And is afraid of, like, losing his independence. I think younger dudes are, like, they think a woman's going to, like, Like, I don't know, make them a slave, chain them up. I don't know, not let them see their friends. I think it also depends on what were your mother dynamic, right? Like, so if you had an really overbearing mother that, like, never allowed you to have a personality. That's like an extreme case, but like you look at it as like, oh, old ball and chain.

Yes. Right? Or really it's the intimacy, right? The mental, the emotional. You know what I think would be, I mean, I don't know what their, what are we conversation was. I think a better question is, like, after it's like, I think we should be friends. I think you could say, what do you think would change if we decided to be in a relationship? What would change from what we're doing currently?

Totally. It's a really valid question. Right? Because it's like if nothing changes, I guess, yeah, you just want to fuck other people maybe? I don't know. And for a lot of it's like, I don't have to commit to you. I don't have to deal with your emotions, right? Like, oh, if you're upset with me, I don't want to have to deal with it.

I don't want to go home and fuck and do it my thing. I would say from the sounds of it, I don't think she's ready for a relationship in the sense. where it's like, I remember I asked my client this once. I said, do you think you're emotionally available? And she's like, yes, of course. And I'm in. I do all this work. And I was like, no, no, that's not what I asked.

I said, you're emotionally available. And she said, well, why would you ask? I said, because when I asked you what it is that you want in a relationship, you told me, I don't know. And if you're emotionally available, your response isn't going to be, I don't know, because then that defeats the purpose of the emotional availability. And so she's acknowledging that home boy that's like the rebound, leave him to be a fuck buddy, right?

If that's what you want, but we're overconflating because maybe he's giving her attention, that, oh, I want him, and I have feelings. It's like, what, you don't have feelings. You just said he doesn't have any depth. He has no emotional intelligence. He's like talking to a rock, right? I mean, that is very funny to be like, but I want that rock to be my boyfriend. I think a lot of, I used to be her.

I was when I was in my 20s, and not because she's in her 20s, but like when I was young, my prefrontal cortex not being developed, I really thought, well, when I'm done with them, right? Oh, he can have emotional availability because it's a clay. And it's like, no, no, no, no, that's not how humans work. No, what you see is what you get. And yes, people can grow, but that's the base. That's the base of this person. It could get worse. He could, like, not share even more with you. Yeah, I think my friend needs to figure out what she actually wants in a relationship. I dated this man who would not say he was my boyfriend for two years, or officially a year, and then we spent a year working on things where he fucked other people and just didn't tell me about it. But I was like, after it ended, I was like sad or whatever, but I was like, sad or whatever. but I was like, why did I stay? And I had to do a lot of work.

And it came down to I just wanted to be loved and I didn't care how it was done. But now I'm like, no, no, I would like to be loved on my terms. I don't want to be true like shit. I would like someone who's proud to be like, yeah, that's my girlfriend or like hold my hand in public. It was so wild that I stayed for so long. And I think my friend's having the same issue,

staying with two different, or wanting to get back with a dude where it was bad, wanting to stay with someone where she's not fulfilled. It's like, you've got to find someone to fill your fucking cup. Yeah, and make that yourself for now, right? Like, if it's not someone else, it's like, I think somebody had asked today, like, well, how long should I stay single after a breakup?

It's like, until you feel you're ready, man. There is none of us have a timeline. There's literally nothing that's on a timeline, even if it was something as simple as like, I want to do this at the gym. It's like, it could take me a month. It could take you six, right? It might be an injury, right? We have so many different variables that if somebody especially like, one, you have a

fuck, buddy, that's not satisfying your needs either. Either keep them a hookup buddy, get your needs met, get your, get your, get, dick down, I don't care. I am so sex-positive. I don't care what you do. Yeah. But be honest with yourself. And also have boundaries. Like if going to dinners and stuff is too much, like going on dates and then fucking is too much, you got to roll up to that man's house and say hello. Exactly.

And then you got to roll out as soon as you're done. If sleepovers trigger it, like just you have to set up boundaries so you don't end up getting feelings for somebody that like isn't right for you and that you don't want. Yeah, I've been there. Because you could really fucking trick yourself. Oh my God, you could trick your... I have tricked myself so many times. I have dated men who have actively not liked me,

who have not liked my quirks. Like, I'm always late. God bless, I was late today. I'm just, it's very hard for me to get my shit together. I also have ADHD, so like after 8 p.m., sometimes conversations won't get... Like, it's just hard. And I'm bippin' bopping. I leave things around.

And I've dated men who have found that very... irritating but wouldn't break up with me. And I was like, I'll win them over. You'll accept me. My daddy issues. I'll win you over. And now I'm to the point where I'm like, no, if I feel like someone doesn't like me, I'm not spending time with you. It's how I am with even my community. I'm like, if you come at, we were talking this offline, you come at me being like, you need to change this. It's like, no, you need to find a new fucking place to go. Yes. Yes. Don't change anything. Also, when you were on my show, people were commenting, they were like, you make sounding single like a disease. And I was going to respond, it's a dating podcast. It's literally, it's just

about dating. So it's like, okay, there's this like Instagram where this lady was like making split pea soup or something. And the comments were like, what if you don't like split peas or whatever? And it's like, then that wasn't the video for you. And don't watch it. Don't watch it. Don't date it. Don't fuck it. Don't do it. And I think we spend a lot of time being like, no, no, I can make this for me. And it's like, no, you don't have to. There's so many other people in this world. And it's okay to be single and it's okay to want to be in a relationship. Yeah. Everything's okay. Now, Nicole, I could talk to you for fucking hours, but this is it. Oh, no. I know. That's our time. I'm gutted. I'm devastated. I know. If I had shown up on time,

it's okay. We'll do this again. We'll do this again. Can you please tell everybody where they could find you and how they can interact? Yes. I'm on Instagram. I'm on Twitter for the memes. At Nicole Beyer on both. My website is Nicole Beyer was taken.com. Nicole Byer was taken. I'm going to be in Austin, I believe, next month. So yeah, if you just go to Nicole Byerwas Taken.com, my tour dates are up there or on my Instagram. Awesome, dude. Thank you so much. Thank you for having me.