The Sabrina Zohar Show - 140: Why You Keep Settling (and How to Finally Choose Yourself)

Episode Date: May 16, 2025

Are you dating someone because it feels “good enough”… or because it actually feels good? In this episode, Sabrina takes a no-BS look at what it really means to “settle” in dating and relationships — and why it’s often less of a conscious choice and more of a nervous system pattern. Whether you’re single, stuck in a situationship, or already in a long-term relationship, this episode helps you understand the neuroscience behind why we stay, even when we know we shouldn’t — and how to shift that. From the Default Mode Network to dopamine loops in the ventral striatum, we’re unpacking how your brain keeps you chasing the familiar instead of choosing what’s right for you. You’ll learn how to identify if you're operating from cognitive dissonance, why secure people might feel boring at first, and how to build real self-trust that leads to better decisions in love. Plus, Sabrina gives you practical tools like the “Pattern Disrupt” and “Pause Before the High” methods to help you rewire your relationship patterns and finally choose yourself — whether that means raising your standards in dating or getting honest in your current partnership. This is your blueprint for breaking the cycle and building something real. MERCH IS NOW AVAILABLE! Stuck After the Podcast? Master Implementation in 8 Weeks with Sabrina's Foundation Course HERE! Do you feel like your emotions run the show and react in ways you can’t control? Join the Nervous System 101: Navigating the Unknowns In Early Dating from Sabrina and Masha Kay HERE! Struggling with a breakup? Join the Make It Make Sense: Getting Through a Breakup course from Sabrina and Britt Frank HERE! Get Ad free HERE! Want to work with Sabrina? HERE! Don't forget to follow Sabrina and The Sabrina Zohar Show on Instagram and Sabrina on TikTok! Video now available on YOUTUBE! Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formerly known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A.Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar Show. My name is Sabrina Zohar, and I am your host. Hi, babies! Happy Friday! We made it, we did it. We're here. We're together.

And you guys, I'm really excited. We got a really good episode coming up. And I hear you guys. I hear the pain points. You guys are writing it always being like, hey, could you do more relationship content? The answer is yes and. Yes, and because we do have a lot of people that are daters,

and I don't ever want to alienate and be like, cool, you're talking about shit I don't understand or I'm not in. But I also don't want to alienate all of us that have done this work to get into a relationship. So moving forward, I'm going to kind of be working with the episodes now to be able to help both of you guys because I think it's about building a solid foundation. And then once you're in that foundation, what do you do? So we have some dedicated episodes that are really relationship focused and I will continue to bowl those out. But please know, guys, I want to meet you where you're at and I am here to support you. And I'm just so fucking grateful for all of you. So thank you, as always, for supporting me and allowing me to show up authentically.

so that you can as well. Today we're going to talk about how to stop settling in your dating and relationships and how to actually fucking choose yourself because we say it all the time. You hear me say it like a broken fucking record. Are you choosing yourself?

Are you choosing yourself? And you're like, what does that mean, Zohar? I got you, babies. As always, if you guys need anything, I am back to taking clients again. The book process happened a little faster than I thought. So your girl's got some time. So feel free.

You could do that. Grab merch. You can join a course. We've got the nervous system. We've got self-love course. We've got all the stuff you could possibly need. Everything's on the Lincoln Show. notes. And please don't forget to rate, review the show, subscribe on YouTube, follow along,

and just share it with a friend. It means the fucking world. And guys, I'm here. I'm here and I'm excited. So without further ado, let's get right on into it, shall we? All right, y'all. I think this is an important topic. I think we need to get real because we have to start to differentiate that settling and dating isn't just about staying with someone who's fine instead of great. It really is about, do you believe that you're deserving? Do you believe genuinely and what is it that you actually believe that you deserve? What does your nervous system find familiar? And what are those unconscious patterns that are running your life?

I know I was knee deep in them myself. And truth be told, still find myself in them. And so here's kind of like that this is what I mean by two of like when we lay the foundation when you're single and you're dating and you're kind of working through it. This stuff just keeps carrying over. It's not necessarily that anything robustly changes. But as you start to get into the relationship, the honeymoon phase ends and you start to realize that this person's a real problem. person and the mystique and all of those things wear off, especially if this person is consistent and secure and healthy. Or then we have the other side of the coin of if you're dating somebody that

is either like really inconsistent, hot and cold and now, right, like that's just going to activate you even more. And so what we want to understand is like what are these patterns and these unconscious mechanisms that are running that feel familiar? I was the queen of it. I was dating people that were different versions of my dad and my brother, which is so creepy in a weird way, but you guys know what I mean. It was reminiscent of the way they made me feel. It was reminiscent of, oh, okay, I'm too much. That's what I actually believe about myself.

Okay, cool. Then that means I'm going to date people that are going to mimic that. And it's not because I was necessarily too much, but they didn't have the bandwidth to show up in the ways that I need. So, of course, that's going to make me feel like there's something wrong with me. And so when I met a guy that just liked me off the bat, I didn't stop to say, do I like this? Does this feel good for me? I just went right into like, okay, he'll be work. He'll work.

It's fine. This is good. and completely self-abandoning. And so if you guys have ever found yourself stuck in situationships, if you're excusing somebody's bad behavior, or you're just convincing yourself that something is good enough, then this episode is going to show you why and how to break that fucking cycle. Because, no, this isn't just about like raise your standards. We're actually rewiring the way your brain approaches love. And whether that be you're in a relationship or not, because here's all there another harsh reality. Like, even if you're with somebody right now and you're listening going, dude, I don't feel any of these things that you're

talking. I don't feel excited to see them. I don't feel like we're aligned. I don't feel like we're growing. It's like it's never too late just because you're in a relationship. I'm a big fan of like, doesn't mean you need to stay in it. As long as you're being honest with yourself. So let's talk about like why do we settle and understand the psychology and neuroscience. So settling isn't necessarily a choice. It's usually a pattern your brain runs on autopilot. And because people don't settle because they want to. They settle because it feels familiar. Again, why I would go with guys that were reminiscent of my father because it was familiar and it was something that I knew I could do. And what does that actually mean? I wasn't scared about this relationship because my brain and my body knew how to navigate it.

And like I dated my fair share of people that were not actually good people, but I settled because they were there. And I settled because, well, it works for now. But not necessarily because it was a true connection or I felt so seen heard and understood. And like even when I started dating Ryan, tech guy, right? I know I need to bring tech by back. I feel weird saying his name. But even when I started dating tech guy, I wasn't sure. I was trying to differentiate, like, am I settling or am I actually, like, fulfilled and happy in this relationship? And now that we're two and a half years in, like, it's a question I ask myself consistently and vice versa, because neither one of us ever want to feel like we are letting go of our morals, ethos, or ethics in order to be with somebody. And that's kind of where we look and say, what's the difference, right? If they have some icks, like, I don't like the way they dress, it's like, oh, God, Jesus Christ, we can work with that. These are all things that can be, easily change, but these are not aspects of their character. These are not, do they align in my values? Do we want the same things in life? Do we see things the same? Do I, am I really polite to waiters and waitstaff? And they're a fucking asshole to anybody that they deem is below them.

That's the type of stuff that we want to look at of like, am I settling? Like my ex, I always call him a kendall. He was very good looking. Like there was nothing, nothing negative about this guy, but we were so polar opposites. Like, I loved certain aspects. He didn't. He didn't. He drank a fuck ton so much wine. Like it was actually kind of like concerning two bottles a night. And I would just be sitting there sober. I mean, like, this is really weird. Like, you're kind of annoying me. I don't really enjoy this. We were always going out drinking with his friends. And I just never really felt like we were jelling. We would go away. And it was just kind of like, eh. And I never forget, I was at a wedding. And I looked over and I was like, I don't really

want to be here with him. Like, he's just not my person. And I broke up with him like two days later. And it was a mutual thing. We both kind of sat together and were like, I just don't think this is it. And I settled. I settled because he was there. And he was cute and he was attractive and he had a good job. Okay, I'll take it. Yay. But then the rest of it didn't seem like it aligned and gelled. And it's like there's nothing wrong with anybody that if you decide that along the way, that's the point of dating. I was even with my client this morning. I've been working with her for a fucking minute. And I've seen her from when we first started working together. Everything was like, oh, do they choose me? Do they like me? Oh, what's going on? And why did he and then and then now she started dating this guy. And they're like seven or eight months in. And they've been traveling a lot. And she's starting to see different behavior. And she's like, like, yeah, this isn't working for me. And she was like, I, you know, in the beginning, we see some of this stuff. And we start to go, okay, let me see, let me see, let me see how it goes. And then eventually she was like, yeah, just because I'm with this person doesn't mean I need to stay with them. And honesty is kindness. When you let's someone go, that's one of the kindest things that you could do.

So let's talk about the actual neuroscience. So we have a part of our brain called the default mode network and it's predictive thinking. So the default mode network is your brain's like story mode. So it runs these unconscious beliefs about what love is supposed to feel like. So if your past experience has taught you that love equals instability and consistency, hot and colds, emotional highs and lows, then your default mode network will seek out relationships that match this pattern. Even if you say you want something different, your brain will default to what feels familiar. And that's why we look and say that cognitive dissonance. I know this person's not for me, but yet I still want to see them in this positive light

and pedestal them and make them something that they're not. And again, whether you're single or you're in a relationship, this shit, it works for everybody. It's just when you're single, you can make different decisions versus when you're in a relationship. Maybe you live together. It might be a different conversation. So an example of like how the default mode network shows up is like you keep attracting emotionally and available people. But then every time a secure person comes along, you convince yourself like there's no spark. I'm not feeling it. This isn't because you're too picky. It's because your default mode network associates emotional safety with boredom. And so of course you're like, I was even going over one of my other clients. He has been dating this girl and she ended up going with somebody else. else and finding a new partner and he's been like hung up on her for no joke like over a year. And every time we talk, he goes right back on the loops. And it's all based around his core beliefs. And that's his journey. And he met somebody else and this girl's super into him and she's super consistent. And he could say, but I just, I didn't feel what I had with this other girl. And I didn't

feel it. And it's like, yeah, because this other person was so familiar to your fucking mom. It's actually kind of creepy. And she reaffirms your core beliefs. It's not because this person is so fantastic and amazing what makes them so special. What makes them so special? That's what I mean by make these people a real person. Need a vehicle that isn't afraid to make a splash? That's the Volkswagen Taos. Capable and confident, the Volkswagen Taos is fit for everyday life.

Nimble in traffic, agile and tight spots, and still spacious enough for weekend getaways. While available 4-motion all-wheel drive gives confidence in rain and snow. The capable Taos, you deserve more confidence. Visit vW.ca to learn more. S-U-V-W, German-engineered for all. So we have something, there's a tool called the pattern disrupt exercise. So I want you to write down the last three people you dated or the person that you're in a relationship and I want you to answer.

What emotional need did they fulfill for me? Did they actually meet my needs or did they just trigger my fucking nervous system? And if they showed up fully exactly as they were, would I still have wanted them? And the reason we do this is because it forces you. to detach from fantasy and you start to recognize patterns for what they are. So if you're single, write that shit down. And if you're in a relationship, do the same fucking thing. It's okay to take stock of what's going on and start to ask yourself. Like, yeah, did I settle? Did I just take this person

because they were there and I didn't want to date anymore? And I'm, that's why I'm bored now. It's like, or the other aspect is, is this person different? Is this person healthy? And that's why, for me, like, Ryan and I remit some of our patterns. Like, I'm very similar. He's very similar. Like, we're very similar in a lot of ways, but our Venn diagram overlaps, but we're very different in a lot of ways. And for a long time, I would say this. If when I expressed myself to Ryan, he didn't do anything to change, I would never fucking be with him. But because I express myself to him or vice versa, we have a conversation and we both start to say, okay, here's what I can work on. Here's what I don't. Then what happens is, then when I feel seen, heard and understood,

and I start to take stock, I'm not settling. I'm not just in this relationship because there's no one else and I don't want to date. It's like I could go out anytime and meet people. I'm in this relationship because I feel fulfilled, because I love this person and because even though we have issues, we're still able to work through them. That is why I know I'm not settling. And that's why I mean take some stock, whether you're dating or in a relationship. And so now I think you guys can see what I mean. By a lot of this work, it really plays in. I wouldn't be in the relationship I'm in now if I hadn't laid the solid foundation and learned the tools while I was dating that then continue on into my relationship. I promise you. Learn the foundational aspects. And if you're like,

fuck, I'm in a relationship right now. That's okay. It's never too late to learn, baby. And maybe we reassess. And maybe you have a hard conversation with this person. If your needs aren't being met, you just don't feel like they have the bandwidth. Are they willing to get help? Are they willing to be introspective? Are they growth-minded? Are they holding the space that you need from a partner in order to feel fulfilled? It's really important to ask yourself that. Then we get into the dopamine trap. You guys hear me talk about dopamine all the fucking time. and why you get hooked on people who don't prioritize you. Well, especially, like I said, whether you're in a relationship or single, baby, it's not that

different. I've dated people like this. I've been in relationships with people like this. I just didn't realize it because your brain isn't falling for the person. It's falling for the chase. It's falling for the inconsistency and it's falling for the unpredictability because we have a part of our brain called the ventral striatum and that dopamine response. You guys have heard me talk about this at nauseam. The ventral striatum is the part of your brain that lights up in anticipation of a reward. Then what happens? Dopamine. So the more consistent someone is, the more your brain wants to win them over. And that is why breadcrumbing and makes signals make you so fucking obsessed. Because your brain is taking their unpredictability as a

fucking challenge. But I think I always say like challenge accepted. It's the same thing now. If you're in a relationship with somebody and you start to see they're pulling away, they're hot and cold, that's going to activate that even more. And then you're going to be like, I have to keep this. I have to keep this sunk-bias. We've been together for a year. Then if you're dating somebody, scarcity mindset. that I don't know if I'm ever going to find anybody. What if I don't? We start to get into this whole loop. And so I would start to look at like if you feel electrified when someone who's been distant suddenly

gives you attention, which was me, I would do that. Like if they said jump, I said how high. And it didn't matter that this person wasn't showing up. It didn't matter that this person wasn't consistent because what was more important was reaffirming my core belief. That was it. My brain was so focused on like, but chaos equals love. You know how to do that.

That's what you grew up in. And like you'll take, a lot of people take this as a. a sign of deep chemistry, when in reality, it's your fucking nervous system that's responding to the emotional roller coaster. And that's why we get into these relationships that you're like, man, am I even fucking satisfied or happy? Or was this just like a high I was chasing? I've had that where you have the playboy or the play girl, right? The person that's unattainable. The one that like nobody could get to tie down. The one that is just the hotty patadi running around town. And then when they call you or they come over, you're like, oh my God. It, God, y'all, so I'm writing

the book. And it's been such a process. Holy fuck. It has brought so much awareness to me and has opened my eyes as I'm sharing stories. I'm like, holy fuck. I used to do this all the time. I was so obsessed with pick me, choose me, please, please, please don't leave me. But I was really terrified of real intimacy because real intimacy meant that you were going to see me for who I am. And now that I'm with Ryan and he sees me and he loves me and he accepts me for who I am, that could be really terrifying. The reason it could be terrifying is when someone sees you for who you are and then you have to acknowledge that that's not the core belief you have anymore, right? Like if I always think that I'm too much, but then I have a partner that

says you're not too much, I love you for who you are. Now what does that mean? I have to accept that. I have to sit with, oh, I know, maybe I'm not too much. Maybe I was just with all the wrong people. And I was going after people because my default mode network was picking these people based on familiarity and patterns. How familiar is this feeling your body? So here's a tool that I personally use. It's called the pause before the high method. So the next time you feel that dopamine rush from someone suddenly giving you attention, I want you to pause and ask yourself, do I feel safe and valued? Or am I just fucking excited? And then two, is this connection consistent or is my brain chasing a hit? And then lastly, if this person was steady from the start, would I still be interested? The reason it works is because it

breaks down the chase. It breaks down the addiction loop and it helps you recognize when you're being pulled in by the inconsistency, not by true connection. And that's another big ask. And that's another big aspect here. And something that we need to have a little bit of talk. Something that nobody really talks about when it comes to this healing journey is that you're not just going to magically be better and one day you wake up and none of this ever bothers you. The point of healing is you become more aware. You start to be able to live with these experiences that you have. You show yourself compassion. You show yourself grace. You validate your fucking emotions and feelings. You're not calling yourself stupid or a fucking idiot or putting yourself down. Healing doesn't make all the shit go away. Healing just gives you

the tools so that when it comes up, you can pause, you can be in your body, and you can actually reflect on what's happening and not project on what you want this to be. Mm-hmm. I can leave you there with that one. So now let's talk about how do you recognize if you're actually settling. Like, let's start to talk about how we could break the cycle. So we talked about it a little bit earlier, but there's a cognitive dissonance. So when your actions don't align with your values, that's cognitive dissonance. So that cognitive dissonance is when your brain holds two conflicting beliefs at the same time. And not in the way of like, I can love them and all. also know that they're not right for me.

That's one way of experiencing the holding two conflicting truths. This is more like, you say you want someone emotionally available, but yet you keep making excuses for people who can't show up. So some examples like, you want commitment, but you accept, I'm not ready for a relationship. Let's just see where this goes and go with the flow. You value emotional security, but you justify someone's hot and cold behavior. You say you don't want to waste your fucking time,

but yet you keep investing in people who don't fully choose you or show up. So that's that cognitive dissonance. I say I want this, but I may actually ready to receive that. And that's what I mean by when you start a solid foundation of dating and you go slow and you allow your nervous system to regulate and to acclimate and to adjust because our nervous system and our brain are, they can be shifted, grown, evolved and changed, but it takes a long fucking time. And so we want to be able to by going slow, even if you're in a relationship, Ryan and I have been together two and a half years and we're still going slow because I'm like, yo, I'm not ready to like jump all in 100% and start doing. I'm not buying a house tomorrow. because I want to make sure that the relationship we have is really fucking solid. And I'm not in any rush. I'm not doing this for any ego. If I'm happy in my relationship, I don't give a fuck. I don't care that people say, oh, you don't have a ring yet.

It's like, that's not the benchmark of success. The benchmark of success is that I feel really fulfilled and content in my relationship, that I have the conflict and repair, that I feel really safe with my partner. And I can literally say anything to him and he's not going to judge me. And vice versa, we both created that space for each other. So a tool that I want you guys to use is the one-year rule perspective shift. So I want you to ask yourself, if I was still in this exact situation a year from now, would I be happy? If nothing changed about this person, would I still want this relationship?

And am I holding on to potential? Or am I actually fulfilled? And that's what I meant by with me and Ryan. Like, the reason this works is because it forces you to project forward instead of justifying bad behavior in the present. And as, again, when you're dating, if somebody is like not making plans with you and they're not being consistent or they text you all the time and then they go away. Like I was talking to Nicole Vignola this morning. my home girl. And she was saying, she's like, I have a thing where I'll put their name in my phone and I put five hearts behind it. And every time they do something that's like just unforgivable,

whether that be like, they went a week without texting me, they were super inconsistent. They flip flopped on what they said or like they said they were going to come and see me. And then now all of a sudden they're making excuses. She removes a heart. And so she's like, if I get down to where all five hearts are gone, especially in a quick amount of time, she's like, then that's it. I no longer give this person any more of my time. And I love that. I love it because she's seeing, does this align with where I want to go, not, oh, whatever, like, he's just busy. And it's like, baby, there's no one busier than someone that's not interested. And you know, when I say that sentence of there's no one busier than someone that's not interested, I'm not talking about, well, they didn't text

me back for a few hours. It's like, I'm talking about those people that every time you text them, sorry, I'm really busy this weekend. Yep, really busy. Sorry, I'm busy, couldn't call. Sorry, I'm busy. I couldn't do this. Sorry, I'm too busy. Well, then what the fuck type of relationship do you think you're going to have? And so I think it's really important. Someone had actually asked today, could you talk about when you're in a relationship, like communication and needs, especially when you're not together. And it's like, we need to have a quick conversation here on stop settling just because that person's there. Perfect time to segue into this. If you're dating somebody and they are somebody that does not want to have hard conversations, they're not trying

to meet you halfway, literally or figuratively. You guys are long distance and you don't know if this is going to work because you haven't spoken to them and you don't know if they want anything. It's like, then we need to stop saying, well, they're here and start actually looking. at, well, wait a minute, if we're a long distance and it's taking me four months and we still can't meet up, what do I think is going to happen when we finally do? What, let me guess. They're going to see you and meet you and think you're the most amazing thing in the world, right? And then what happens? You date, you date, you date. You settle for that and say, okay, my needs aren't being met, but like, it's okay, they're there. It's okay. I'll give it

more time. It's okay. And the next thing you know, you're in this relationship. And it's like, are you satisfied and fulfilled? So I would say when it comes to being in a relationship, the same principles I teach you guys about communication early on and how do You express yourself and how to have hard conversations. Those don't go away. You continue those. But then you also see, right? So if my, I had one of my clients and she was like, I just want to touch base with my partner every day. And it's like, you're in a relationship. You have every right to say that. It doesn't mean you need to text all day. But I remember when Ryan and I first started dating, like, when we were in a relationship, I said, I want to at the very least talk to you either in the morning or at night. One of the two, if not both, but like one of the two. Let's at least connect. So I got a text from in the morning. Good morning, beautiful. I hope you're having a great day. Here's my day. He was like, I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this and do this. I'm going to be away from my phone. I'm so excited to see you, like, tomorrow. I hope you have a great day. And I would just write back, like, thank you so much, babe.

Great to hear from me, blah, blah, have the best day. If something came up in the day, yeah, it fucking text him. Like if it was like, hey, I got these tickets, do you want to go? And if not, I wouldn't. And then at night, one of us would text. Usually him being like, hey, babe, hope you had a great day was. How is yours? We would text for like a couple texts back.

And then he'd be like, okay, I'm going to hop up my phone. Or he would always say, like, I'm going to put my phone down. I want to be really present with my friends and blah, blah. I'm so excited to see you tomorrow. Great. Great. Right? Like, we can talk about it.

But it wasn't, I didn't say something to him and he was like, I'm not doing it. Then I'd be like, oh, okay, so I'm settling for somebody that I have to do everything they want, but yet they're not willing to have a conversation with me about my needs as well. So it's why I'm like, I listen, I'm here to answer any questions you guys have. But a lot of this stuff, if we learn how to have a solid foundation early on, you can just continue it as you go. You continue the conversations. You continue these open dialogues and you continue sharing parts of yourself, even risking that that person might not like it.

It's important too, babies. I want to see who you are. Now let's talk about how do you stop minimizing red flags and make choices from self-worth? Kind of what we were just talking about because your nervous system normalizes what it's used to. So again, if you grew up minimizing your own need, you'll do it in relationships too. And some examples like I just talked about, but like if you learned that love requires earning approval, you'll see red flags but tell yourself like, it's not that bad. Like, it's totally fine. So I want you to ask yourself, by the third date, I want you to know, are they consistent in communication, right? Like, do I, are they hot and cold and consistent? Do they

make me feel safe and valued? And do I already feel like I have to prove my worth for their attention? Like, do I have to prove that I'm worthy of their attention? Do I have to do something? I've had that? Or guys where I'm like, oh, let me just jump higher and maybe you'll see me in the crowd. Let me show you how cool I am, whereas, like, it wasn't just giveeth and taketh. And the reason I love doing this is because it forces you to look at patterns early on instead of getting emotionally attached before realizing misalignment. Again, if you're in a relationship and you're like, I want to take some stock, it's like, ask yourself those questions. Ask yourself daily, like, does this person show up consistently for me or does it feel like a fucking uphill battle half the time when I have a

conversation with them? When I go and express myself, do they create a safe space or am I just making excuses for their behavior because I'm scared to be alone? Finish the sentence. If they never changed, would I be okay with this? Like with Ryan, if he never changed who he was, would I be okay with it? Yes. And I'll tell you why, because he's growth-minded. He's always been.

And that's why I've been with him. It's not about, well, like, he's avoidant and he's never going to change. Like, I'm not talking about that. Fundamentally, their character, who are they? Now your attachments out. Like, I have my anxiety, but it's like, I've changed a lot

for two and a half years I've been with him. That's, I'm not talking about can you grow as a human, but who they are, their morals, their ethos or ethics, the way we spend money. that's really an alignment. We both are on the same page. I might spend a little bit more, but I also make a little bit more. So it balances out, but both of us have money saved in our accounts. Both of us don't want to spend more on a specific amount than rent. Both of us agree when it comes to like how we travel, how we do things, how do we interact, the boundaries we set with our family, the communication that we have, those all align. So it's really important to make sure that your partner, that you guys are really aligned and not find out, you know, eight months later, like when my clients who found out that the guy that she was dating, had just recently got out of relationship and now wants an open relationship. And it's like, she even said, she was like, I didn't have the fucking conversation with her early on. And she's like, now here I am eight months in being like, what the fuck am I doing? I don't want to be polyamorous.

Fine if you do. I don't give a shit. But show up as that. Be, take up that space to allow the other person to make a choice for themselves that align to what they want. So now, how do you actually choose yourself? How do you actually choose yourself? So we got to talk about developing self-trust so you can stop seeking external validation. And I understand as a girl who used to do it. And this is also why we have the self-love course that Britt and I created. And you know, Brit, my bestie, my neuropsychotherapist, best friend. We gave you so many fucking tools. It's actually at nauseam. But the whole self-love course was really designed to help you bring yourself back home to yourself, whether you're single or in a relationship. We did not make it that you have to be dating in order to use this. So just a shameless plug. But like, if you struggle to walk away from the wrong person because

you don't fully trust yourself yet, there we are. Then we're seeking that. And we're seeking that. external validation. So we have the prefrontal cortex and self-trust. So people with a strong self-trust, they make decisions based on their values, not external approval. Now, listen, there's a difference between like, if I, like, a dress and I text two of my friends to ask if they like it, and you're like, yeah, you're right. I kind of didn't love it. Or the opposite, I've done that. We're like, I love something. And my mom's like, ew, I don't like that. And I'm like, too bad. I do. And I love it. And I'm like, because I choose what makes me happy and what I want. But when you rely on others to validate you, you weaken your prefrontal cortex's ability to make into

dependent choices. So when you're constantly seeking that external validation and you start activating those different parts of your brain, then what happens, your brain is like, oh my God, this is good, this is good, we want more of it. Yeah, they, because think about it, right? We talked about that default mode network. Then we go into the ventral striatum where that dopamine kind of starts to live. When you start to go on the, you know, well, they give me the validation, you feel good. Dopamine. And then your brain's like, this is good. We want more. We want more. Versus, and that's that limbic, kind of the lizard brain, they call it, the emotional brain, versus when you, when you you turn your prefrontal cortex on of like even name it to tame it of like, whoa, I think I'm trying to get someone else to validate me.

I think I'm on a loop right now. I don't think I'm making a choice for myself. You just turned it on. And so it's really important. And you can do something there's called the micro self-trust challenge. Every day for a week, I want you to make one small decision without asking for outside validation. So maybe what's for today, it's like you choose what to eat. You choose what to wear. Or you text somebody without running it by your fucking friends and putting it in the group chat. Over time, you're strengthening your ability to trust your own judgment. because it builds this internal confidence, so you stop seeking permission from other fucking people. And that, when we talk about how do I choose myself? Whether you're single or in a relationship, how do I actually choose myself? Are you validating yourself? Are you saying when something happens,

are you putting yourself down being like, I'm fucking idiot? I can't fucking believe I did that. I'm so stupid. It's like, well, then you're not validating yourself. It's okay to stop and say, like I was so proud of my client that I was saying that was dating that guy. He said something to her that was just fucked. and she went to the bathroom and cried and she stopped and she was like, I'm not going to attack myself. I didn't do anything wrong here. That's his projection and his perception and how he feels about things. That doesn't mean I need to own that. And that's a really beautiful place. When you choose yourself, I choose myself every day in my relationship, I also choose us. Choosing myself means being honest with myself. And like I said, validating if something comes up and not discrediting myself and being like, you're being dramatic, being like, no, that actually bothers me. How do I speak to myself with kindness? Sometimes. And I know it's hard. I'm never going to be. I'm never going to be. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm

bullshit you guys and be like, what, you don't love yourself? Again, why we created the course. But what it's really about is stopping and challenging things. Like, that's why one of the pullovers I made says, don't believe everything you think. That has been a mantra for me for a long fucking time because I give so much credence. There's a brain thing that it's like when we have a feeling and we believe it's fact, you're fucked. Because we have to stop. Feelings are not facts. Feelings are feelings, but that doesn't mean that what your feeling is factual. I feel disrespected. Okay, you could feel disrespected, but that doesn't mean that that person was disrespecting you. You could feel that because maybe it's ego or whatever, right? And that's okay.

Choosing yourself means being honest about this relationship isn't working for me. I'm settling because I'm scared to be alone. And you know what? I choose myself because I'm tired of waiting for other people to. I'm tired of dating people. Like, that was where I got. I was so exhausted waiting for other people to validate me and choose me. That's why when I met Ryan, I was like, listen, if this never goes anywhere, like, that's okay. And the guy I was dating before him, I chose myself. He was being a fucking moron after we had had like a big conversation. And I think I've told you guys. But I remember he was like, I don't know that I'm attracted to you anymore. I don't know if I like your personality. And I, instead of, and like, I remember getting up and he was like,

what? I didn't mean we're breaking up. And I was like, fuck you, man. I was like, I'm choosing myself. I'm not waiting for you to fucking validate me. I was like, you have your own issues. I'm like, if you're not into me, that's okay. There's nothing wrong with that. But I was like, be honest. And he was like, well, I'm just thinking about that now because he had erectile dysfunction. So he was like, I'm just, I'm assuming that's what it is. And I was like, you're not even taking time to process. You are so terrified of sitting with any of your emotions. You're just anything that comes to mind. You're like, that must be it. No, it has nothing to do with me and my shit. It must be this other person. And sometimes it could be, but fucking say with it. And I chose myself. I was no longer

going to self-abandoned. I wasn't going to sit there and continue to pour energy into this person that's very clearly not matching it or reciprocal with it. I wasn't going to continue this charade. I had to finally say, I'm done. And that's what I mean by choosing yourself. If I'm dating Ryan, if I'm dating Ryan. Now that I'm dating, we're in a relationship. Choosing myself means I'm not going to just sit silent while you say something that hurts me. I'm going to choose myself and say, you know what, but I need to speak up because my little never had that opportunity and now that's my chance to give it to her. It's so fucking important, whether you're single or in a relationship. If you're single, choose yourself by stop dating people that don't fucking align with what it is that you want. When you're in a

relationship, choose yourself so that you communicate with your partner, that you're honest and you're vulnerable with that you are at the very least giving yourself a fuck. fucking shot to be seen. I get how scary that could be. But I really want you guys to start to look at how, what is the story I've convinced myself up about this? And am I showing up for me in the ways that nobody showed up for me when I was a kid? I didn't for a long time. But I finally started to. So, Babis, thank you guys for sitting with me. This was fun. I'm listen, I'm making some of the episodes just a touch shorter. I don't think we need to go on for fucking days. But I'm so excited. We have so much fucking amazing stuff up coming up. We're getting down to the last couple of episodes

of being in this studio and I'm really excited and move and all the fun stuff. But guys, as always, thank you. Thank you for sharing the show. Thank you for showing up. It's really weird right now in the world of podcasting and social media. It's so unattated. And so trying to keep people's attention is tough. And I'm no longer focusing on the ones that I don't have and I'm focusing heavily on the ones that I do. The people that show up every week, whether it's every week or whenever you can, I'm not angry at you for not showing up every week. But the people that show up, the ones that are doing the work and the people that come back consistently and show up for themselves. I'm fucking here from you.

And I am here for you always. So please don't forget that. Fabies, until next time.