The Sabrina Zohar Show - 142: Stop Obsessing: How to Enjoy Dating Without Stressing About the Future

Episode Date: May 30, 2025

Unlock the secret to enjoying dating and relationships without obsessing over the outcome! In this episode, Sabrina Zohar dives deep into why we cling to control, how attachment styles shape our dating patterns, and practical steps to finally let go and find peace—whether you’re single or partnered. Discover how to pause, self-regulate, and stop spiraling, so you can show up authentically and attract the right connections. The Self Love Course is available for presale now! Get the lowest price we'll offer this course for, $100 off regular pricing! Stuck After the Podcast? Master Implementation in 8 Weeks with Sabrina's Foundation Course HERE! Do you feel like your emotions run the show and react in ways you can’t control? Join the Nervous System 101: Navigating the Unknowns In Early Dating from Sabrina and Masha Kay HERE! Struggling with a breakup? Join the Make It Make Sense: Getting Through a Breakup course from Sabrina and Britt Frank HERE! Get Ad free HERE! Want to work with Sabrina? HERE! Get merch for The Sabrina Zohar Show HERE! Don't forget to follow Sabrina and The Sabrina Zohar Show on Instagram and Sabrina on TikTok! Video now available on YOUTUBE! Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formerly known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A.Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, hello, hello. And welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar Shoe. My name is Superna Zohar, and I am your host. Hi, friends. Welcome back to another week. And welcome back to expanding on more of this self-love, how to come back home to yourself kind of series that I've been doing. Because we can talk external all day and why don't they like me and why aren't they doing this and why aren't they doing that? But at the end of the day, coming back home to yourself, whether you're single or in a relationship is the number one priority.

And so today we're going to talk about how the fuck do you release control to the outcome and truly. just surrender, whether it's you're in a relationship or not. I am so fucking excited. And guys, as always, we have the new course out with Britt Frank, the self-love course. It has been so amazing. Guys, go buy it. Get her book, her new book, a line out. Everything will be linked in the show notes. If you guys need anything, you can work one-on-one with me. Now that I'm ahead of time on my book schedule, I have opened my books up again. So feel free, join a course. There's a free guide. Whatever you guys need. We are here to support you. And as always, thank you. Thank you for being authentic. And thank you for allowing me to show up as myself.

Please don't forget, rate review the show, leave a comment, whether it's on Spotify or YouTube. It doesn't really matter. Obviously, please remember the language that we use. I read all the reviews. So if you don't like something that's okay, you have every right. We just don't need to attack anybody. And guys, just thank you. It has been my dream come true to guide you and to be here with you guys.

And this has just been amazing. And so I'm really excited. Let's keep it fucking going. Guys, without further ado, let's get right on into it, shall we? Hi, friends. I'm excited about today's episode because I think this is something that I know I struggled with for fucking years, which was like, how do I actually release control to the outcome and just surrender and let things happen?

And when I was dating, I really struggled with that because for me, any single time I met somebody had to be like, nope, this has to be the one. Like I'll never forget when I met my ex, like the biggie, right? The one that was like my father that really fucking started this whole kind of trajectory and path for me. I remember calling my mom seeing him walk across the street. He was wearing a green shirt. And I remember he's like, I'm in a green shirt.

And as I looked, I just like, heat this overwhelm of like, oh, my God. I'll never forget. I text my mom, holy shit, this is the one. And he's this tall drink of water comes up, big muscular man grabs me and says, hi. And I was just like, okay, sign seal delivered, done. And we were thick as thieves. Like, we got along way too well. But all the while, I wasn't just looking at this as like, cool, let's just see what happens.

And if it goes great. And if it doesn't, it doesn't. No, no, no. I was hell bent on like, this has to. be my person. And so I was changing who I was. I was morphing. I was trying so hard, like, to play the cool girl. Don't do this. Don't do this. We didn't sleep together for over a month. Like, I was really trying to play this right. And when he one day texts me just saying, it's not you, it's me. I'm just not ready for a relationship, blah, blah. I remember losing my

fucking shit, crying hysterically and screaming and being in the phone and selling my mom, there has to be more to this. There's got to be something wrong with me. And it made dating really tough. And then when we got back together a few months later, again, I was so on the, like, this is my person. I have to be with them. And that's why it's so dangerous when we say the one, the person that got away. They did it because when you attach that kind of messaging, what you're telling your brain is like, I'm only safe if I have them. This is my person. I have to be. And then what happens? Then the other parts of the brain start to kick in. And they're like, cool, that's safety. I have to have it. And here we are. So I wanted to share and start with that story

because I think it's really important for you guys to know, like you're not alone. You are not the only person going through this, there was nothing wrong with you, but we really have to start getting very real with ourselves. And that's, it's kind of actually really interesting. Anytime I have friends, especially guys, that'll be like, oh, I went out with someone that listens to the podcast or was like a huge fan of yours. I kind of get a pretty revolving theme of they intellectually understand everything I'm saying, but yet when they show up on these dates, like a mutual friend of me and Ryan, he went in a date and the girl was, he was like, oh, I could tell her anxiety pretty quickly. And he was like, there's nothing against that. He was like, but I could just tell. And she started going. He was like,

she trauma dumped on me, just like completely just, blah, all of these things. And then started talking about how she's obsessed with me and she listened to all my stuff. And all the while, our friend is like, oh, okay, but like, are you implementing any of it? Because like, I'm pretty sure Sabrina talks about like not trauma dumping. And she said one thing to him and he was like, whoa. And she's like, promise me you're not going to ghost me, right? Like, you're going to be honest with me. You're not going to ghost me. Right. Like, I can't handle that. That's like way too too much for me. I have way too high anxiety. And he just looked at her and he was like, dude, I've only known you for 30 minutes. Like, I will be honest with you.

and I will be upfront with you. And he was like, but needless to say when I left, he was like, I didn't have any interest in seeing her again because she was so concerned with the outcome. And like I can't, I'm not going to be okay if this happens. And it's like instead of just walking away saying, well, this was fun and I hope to hear from you again. If I don't, like, that's okay. I don't need to attach a story to it. It was how she was trauma dumping all of these things onto him and then going in to say, well, but I need this to work out. And it's like, when you come in with that kind of energy, people can tell. People can tell. There's a difference between going into a job interview being like, I fucking want this and I'm going to show you, versus I'm not going to be okay if I don't get this. And I think it's really important for us to talk about that. And that's also why I have the courses. That's why the foundation course exists so that you can really come back home to yourself. And that's why Brit Frank and I created the self-love course is we wanted to give you guys an opportunity to really learn about yourselves. And then that's why we have the group coaching every month. You can implement it. That way we're building a community. You heal in community babies. You don't heal alone. So let's start relying on each other.

But the biggest thing that I wanted to say is like, this isn't about apathy. This is about learning how to surrender with your eyes open and really saying like, I'm going to let go of control. It doesn't mean I'm letting go of my standards because we attach to the outcome when we have built walls. I guess there's a other way to say it. When we don't have safety within, then we're going to attach to the outcome. So let's talk about why do we cling to the outcome. And it's, again, I want to normalize that there's nothing wrong with you.

I don't want you guys listening to this and being like, I'm fucked. Oh my God. No. What I want you guys to hear is like, okay, that's me and I'm going to implement these tools. And another thing, I build these episodes around to make sure that I give you guys the education and the tools. But at the end of the day, you know what the number one thing that I want you guys to focus on when it comes to this whole entire process that is pausing. My therapist recently, she was like, you need to slow the fuck down. And I just kind of look at her and she's like, yeah, yeah, fucking pause. She's like your brain. She's like, you intellectual. So much, you know all of this. I know what the trigger is, where it comes from, how old I am, what she's thinking, all that. And she was like, but can you pause and be with that? And that's what I invite for you guys. As we go along and do all of these episodes and all that, can we learn to pause? Can we learn to pause and just say this is really fucking uncomfortable? Because uncertainty, it triggers the nervous system. So, as always, you guys know, I love my neuroscience. And as you know, the amygdala kicks in when things feel unpredictable. So your brain tags uncertainty is a possible threat. And so that's why an unanswered text or vague behavior feels like emotional danger. And we've all been there before. We've all been there where you can't sleep,

you can't eat, you can't function. That's dysregulation. You're so hyper focused on, are they going to choose me? Do they like me? What are they thinking of me? That you're so disconnected from anything you want, need and desire. So here's an example that I think a lot of us can relate to. Let's say you had a great date. You text after. Now it's been like 18 hours and nothing. You've checked your phone 12 fucking times. You've analyzed your message. You wonder, oh my God, was I too much. But what's really happening is that your brain is trying to solve for safety. Your brain is going through because, again, that's the outcome. Your brain is trying to look and say, okay, well, there's a gap, right? We had this. My perception was this. And then here we are.

And instead of being able to hold on to those two conflicting thoughts and saying, I may have had a great date, but maybe this person just didn't resonate with what it is that I'm feeling or thinking, we start to spiral, we start to ruminate, and we start to reaffirm those core beliefs. And one of you guys had written in and said, how do I stop spiraling when I don't know where things stand? And that's a really valid question. But what I would say is most of us aren't addicted to the people. We're addicted to the certainty. And so when the outcome is unclear, we fill the space with stories, right? They're losing interest. I fucked this up. I messed it up. I should have played it cooler. But that spiral is a survival reflex. That's not your intuition. And I know I hear it all the

time of like, but I'm usually right. Like when I say it and it's like, that's also a cognitive bias. Because when you date people that are going to remimic those dynamics, then you're going to be right because you're going for a pattern. And so when you find yourself spiraling and ruminating and you're attaching to these people, we have to do a few things. One thing that I love is called name the spiral. It's a method. And so first, I want you to label the emotion, right? Is this fear? Is this rejection? Is this shame? Then I want you to ask, what's the story I'm telling myself? What is the narrative that I've convinced myself of? This person didn't call me back because they think this of me. Then I want you to say, okay, what facts do I have to back that up? What else could be true here? They might have had a

really great time, but maybe they're just not jiving with me in the same way that I jived with them. Maybe they felt more of a friend vibe. Maybe this person just doesn't resonate with texting. Maybe they will text me and I'll see how I feel then. I also want you to kind of stop. Again, this is where the pause comes in. I want you to learn to pause and just be in your body of like, okay, this feels really uncomfortable. Okay, what feels uncomfortable about it. I don't know what's going to happen. Right. So the outcome, the not knowing the outcome is really scary. I don't have to fill in the blanks as to what that outcome's going to be. I'm allowed to be scared. I'm allowed to validate my own emotions and feelings and say, I had a really great date and I'm bummed that that person didn't contact me. We don't need to continue the story of it's because of this. When we do that, again, you're filling in the blanks. I had to do that as a kid. Because my dad was so inconsistent, because there was so much volatility, because you never knew where you stood. Because it was walking on eggshells, what happens? That person leaves.

I don't have the mental capacity and emotional bandwidth to be like, oh, my father's a narcissist who has his own issues and doesn't see love in the same way I do. I looked at as, oh my God, what's wrong with me? My dad left me. The one person that's supposed to love me on paper that we are conditioned to believe is leaving me. So then there must be something wrong with me because our brain fills in the gaps. Egotcentric age zero to seven. So you automatically think it has to be me because of what happened in childhood. So that's where we have to say, what else could be true?

We want to let your nervous system know it's not danger just because you don't have the answers. And I think that's where we get caught up. It's like, why do we ruminate in spiral? Well, because our fear center gets activated. And when our fear center gets activated, we go back into patterns. And when we go back into patterns and we ruminate and we spiral and we go on, then we have something called the salience network. And so that's that whole like, oh, see, I knew it. I was right. The salience network is the part of your brain that's responsible for scanning for what it is that you're thinking of. So it's the same as if I said, I want to buy a red car. Your brain, that salience

network is like, okay, cool, I'm going to scan for the red cars everywhere I go. So that's why if you're like, I only date emotionally unavailable people and I'm usually right about it. about it. It's like because you're on that loop and your brain is like, okay, cool, I'm going to scan and I'm going to find all of those people because that behavior feels familiar. Even I was talking to my therapist. And I was telling her about past experiences and even me and Ryan with our stuff. And she looked at me and she goes, there's your pattern. And I said, what the fuck are you talking about? And she said, your pattern is going for people that are hot and cold, that are in and out, that disorganized, that classic, I'm in an amount, I'm in and a mat, I'm in and a mat, I'm in a

amount. And she was like, because it's just a pattern that you've become so accustomed to. And now I get to make choices and say that doesn't work for me. And so when Ryan shuts down and goes into his kind of freeze avoidant mode, I stop and say, babe, I can't handle this. I need you to communicate or let me know, hey, babe, I'm offline. And so we've had that. We had that the other day where we had a little thing. He got triggered by something very minute and shut down on me. And then I kept down. I was like, are you okay? You okay? Yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine. And then finally like, I kept asking for something. And he was giving me this one word answers. And I finally was like, dude, what the fuck is your problem? And he was just like, like, started to get defensive. And I was. And I was just like, started to get defensive. And I was. And I was. And he was just like, he started to get defensive. And I was. And I was. And I was. And he started I was like, I'm going to go for a walk. I was like, let's talk about this in a few minutes. So I don't you collect yourself and I'm going to collect myself. And when I came back, he was like, I'm sorry. I got triggered. And I got triggered. I'm sorry. I got triggered. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm And it's three hours of you in silence and kind of stomping around the house. I'm like, I understand that you're going through something. But communicate, babe, I'm offline. And so now he does that. And it's been great.

When he says, I'm offline, I'm like, okay, you got it. And I'll just remove myself. Like you let me know when you're back online. That way, I could respect the boundaries of my partner. But that's what I mean by like, I get to rewrite my history and my future. I get to rewrite what that history meant about me. I can't rewrite what actually fucking happened. But I don't have to make it be about me.

I don't have to attach to outcomes because here's the thing. If I had that conversation with him and he told, me and started getting defensive and screamed at me or said, fuck you, I'm not changing, blah, blah, then I got to control. And I could say, I don't need, you don't have to be my partner. I'm choosing for you to be my partner. And that also means that I get to make a choice if you continue to be my partner. This is not a threat.

It's just being an adult and saying if it works out great and if it doesn't, it doesn't. I will be okay no matter what. Amazon presents Jeff versus Taco Truck Salsa, whether it's Verde, Roja, or the orange one. For Jeff, trying any salsa. is like playing Russian roulette with a flame thrower. Luckily, Jeff saved with Amazon and stocked up on antacids, ginger tea, and milk. Habaniero?

More like habanier, yes. Save the everyday with Amazon. I have lost everything so many times in my life that if it happens again, okay, and if it doesn't, awesome. But I trust myself, because I know, you want to know what? It's the same with the, we couldn't find a house. Now we did, and we're moving. And I was in full panic. And it made me realize, right, because as a kid, we moved all the time. We had no consistency. We didn't have a solid ground. And what did I have? I had no idea what the outcome was going to be. I knew in three weeks we have to be out of this house. That's all I knew. But I surrendered and I said, you know what? In the last 14 or 15 years of my adult life, since I've lived alone, since I was 18, I've moved out of the house. I have always found a way. And sure enough, house fell into our lap. We signed. Here we are. Because I really released control the outcome. And I was like, if it works out cool. And if it doesn't, I made it. backup plans. I was like, okay, we'll get an Airbnb or we'll get a temporary place when we

have our stuff in storage. When you regulate, you can to come back from choice. So now let's kind of go into what plays into this attachment styles in the fantasy loop, right? We know about attachment styles. So when it comes to the different version, so an anxious attachment creates outcomes to soothe fear. So we imagine the life, the future, the partner, even when reality is still unfolding. So notice how the anxious attacher is, we're going to have the white picket fence and we're going to do this because they have the halo effect. Well, I saw one. I saw one. And great date and now all of a sudden. I did the college tour and we were speaking to this lovely young girl and she said, well, I had one date with this guy and like, now I can't get him on my head,

blah, blah, he's breadcrumming me. I know he's not right. And I was like, okay, well, what do you think about him? She's like, he's amazing. He's so great. I was like, that's it. I said, well, we had one great date. And I said, so now there's, you're just whitewashing everything. We had one nice time together. So now this person must be all of these things that I've projected onto them and they have to be my future. Even when in reality, you're seeing that it's not matching up. So we have to start to look at how that plays out. And then we have the avoidant attachment. They create outcomes to maintain distance. So you decide how we'll go before giving it a real trance so you can control expectations and avoidance and avoidance. That's why the anxious and avoidant are so different. That's why they comment it differently. The anxious person is like, you're my future. The avoidant person's like, I need to maintain my space. Again, no one's right or wrong. Both people are suffering from anxiety. Both people have avoidance in different ways. The anxious person is avoiding. sitting with themselves. The avoidant person is avoiding sitting with other people. Uh-huh. So like, I've had that fake relationship. I have met guys. And literally within that afternoon,

I'm like, this is it. This is my person. And I start to over conflate. And all of a sudden, I'm like, this is the one for me and da-da-da. And then I've had it the other way where when a guy and I are getting along really well and then all of a sudden they leave in the like, I feel suffocated, I feel like I need space, because both of us are going back into our patterns. Both of us are going back into our patterns. And that kind of plays into that limerent state of like you're creating this version of who you want them to be because of what are you avoiding dealing with if it doesn't pan out, that you have to be alone, that no one's going to come and save you, that you have to protect yourself, that maybe your core beliefs are right. That's usually why we want other people to sue us.

And someone had asked, why do I get obsessed with the idea of them even when I don't actually know them that well? I mean, we've talked about this with limerence, but it's because what you're attached to isn't the person, and I hate to break it to you. It's a the hope that this could finally be the thing that works for you, right? You're trying to so sue all of those past as appointments with a fantasy future. And you want to say, well, you know, it's been so terrible with all the other people. This is going to be the one. This is going to be the person. This is, you're telling your nervous system, I'm only safe if I have this person. So let's go over a tool. It's called the three column projection practice. So I want you to

split a paper into three fucking columns, right? So the first one is what I know about them, actual facts. So I hear this all the time. They're so thoughtful and compassionate. this and when you start to go, really, what made them that? So the first thing, actual facts. They ran late to the date by 30 minutes. They don't communicate with me in between. They keep it vague and very inconsistent. What I feel, what's your emotional response?

I feel like I'm not a priority. I feel like I'm five years old again, kind of trying to convince my parents to see me. And then the last aisle, what am I seeing? What's your fantasy storyline? Because what you're doing when you do that? Like, what am I imagining? What am I imagining? is that, like, I will be honest. Okay, so I've had this happen a lot of times, but there was one dude I remember right before we went on the date. I completely imagined this entire fantasy of like, well, he likes to do this. We're going to be like this. We're going to do this. And he was the owner of this, like, really big, like, massive chain company. I'm not going to say anything more than that. But like, big, big, big, big, big. You would know it if I said it. And he was, like, tattooed. He was his babe. But then we showed up. He was shorter than me. And like, listen, for some people, they don't care for me. That's like a biggie. I'm 58, almost 5. Five nine. So it's like, I.

I, you know, when I wear heels and stuff, I'm like, oh, okay. And again, it just was different. I was still attracted to him. I didn't care. But I was creating this whole thing. He barely spoke on the date, like literally, barely spoke. We barely touched each other. We went out. And I remember after like when I had said, when we left and I was like, I'd love to see you again. And he asked me, he's like, I got to be honest, why? And he's like, I didn't feel any connection. And I didn't think you did. He's like, we didn't even kiss. We hugged each other goodbye. And he was like, I'm genuinely curious. And he was right. I said, because I liked the idea of you. I liked the idea that somebody successful and very well connected could like me. And if you like me and if you

choose me, then there it is. I'm good. And all of those things that I know from the past to be gone. And when you write all these things down, you give your prefrontal cortex data to work with instead of letting the default mode network write the entire relationship narrative alone. And the default mode network is what we go back on, which is the familiar. That's that part of our brain that's like, this is what we always go through. This is what we know to be. And when we don't challenge that, when we have the prefrontal cortex shut off and we're just in that default mode network, in the amygdala and in that fear center, that's why you're going to repeat the patterns. But when you're able to write things down and to challenge them, that's why journaling is so important.

It's not just like a woo-woo, journal and meditate. Journaling is important because it activates a different part of your brain that you can start to, the prefrontal cortex. You could start to challenge these thoughts and stop and go, oh, you know, I actually don't think that's accurate. And for a lot of people, too, I think the next aspect here is that outcome fixation is a coping mechanism. And I understand that. I get it because outcome fixation.

equals a safety strategy. When you try to control the ending, you get to avoid the discomfort of not knowing. But discomfort doesn't mean danger. It just doesn't. It means you're being asked to tolerate the present moment without trying to skip to the ending. And that's why I will continue to fucking say, go slow. And I get it. Going slow is really uncomfortable because you don't know what's going to happen. And then I hear, well, but what if they leave me? And what if they don't want to be with me? It's like, cool. And what if you decide that you don't want that? Instead of being so focused on what if they don't like me and what if they leave me and what if they don't want me? Can we fucking riff that and reframe that to what if I choose that they're not for me?

What if I'm not into this person? What if it does work out and everything is great? And even if it doesn't, how is my life different than it was before I met this person? Because if you're saying, well, my life was shit before, it's like, well, it wasn't going to fucking be better after. People don't make your life better. They add to it. They're not instead of.

So I want you to try to ask. I want you to ask this and listen for a minute. are you trying to connect or are you trying to control? And I want you to let that sink in. Are you trying to connect or are you trying to control? And I get it. There's nothing wrong with you. If you're like, no, I'm trying to control. I really hate like, that's how Ryan is he loves control because he's like, I didn't really have a lot of that. And I get that. I didn't have a lot of that. Most of us didn't have control as children. A lot of us didn't come from like the most secure household. And it doesn't mean his parents are bad people. They're great. Well, his mom is. But like, okay. So he learned things. And so he has his control. I have mine because I had my share. shit. And then when we come together, that's where we battle a lot. And someone had asked, if I don't have certainty, how do I feel grounded while dating? Well, that's where we have to stop and say, well, wait a minute. If you don't have certainty, then how are you living through life

right now? You don't have certainty about anything. I don't have certainty that we're going to live to tomorrow. I just watched this fucking, I think it was in Korea, the land hole, the pothole, whatever, that opened up in the middle of the street and a motorcyclist was driving. He went right and when he died. In what world did anyone think that was going to happen when this poor guy left his house? So what certainty do we have about anything in life? But what happens is this triggers the closest mimic to our caregivers. And as a child, if you felt like you didn't know what was the fuck was going to happen, you didn't have certainty, that's why this is going to feel so heightened. Great news. The federal EV rebate is back. Eligible customers get up to $5,000 with the federal

EVAPE rebate on select 2027 Volt and 2026 Equinox EV models. Visit your local Chevrolete today for more details. So let's give a tool. I want you to try something called stop, scroll, reset. So every time you feel the urge to check socials, reread the old text, all of those things, right? You're trying to find, your brain is doing everything it can to be like, I need to find the reaffirmation that I'm right that I'm going to be left. I want you to pause because what you're doing is you're distracting. When you go to that, I want you to ask what emotion is here that I'm trying to avoid. Oftentimes it's I'm trying to avoid being really uncomfortable because I'm scared. I'm trying to avoid the reality that I might be alone forever. Okay. Then I want you to replace checking with 90 seconds of nervous system regulation.

90 seconds. That's all I'm saying. Two minutes. That could be doing box breathing. That could be going and taking some fucking freezing water. You could grab ice cubes and hold on to them. You could shake it out. You could do jumping jacks. You can do whatever you need to do. Because what that does is it interrupts the mental loop and it reminds your brain that you don't need a resolution to be safe. And so when we do these things and we actually start to break these loops, you're able to take control of your life. And I think that's the disconnect. A lot of you guys come. come to me of like, I need bigger tools. I need more. And it's like, no, you don't. You don't actually need more. You need to implement what we're talking about in order to actually see anything change. And that's going to take time. You don't go to the gym once and be like, why don't I have a six pack? It's like, that could take a while. You don't start a job. You don't go to college. Why don't I know this? What's going to take you fucking four years, man? So we have to know that these are all, like, there's a lot of unknown. And that's part of life. But when you can learn to expand your window of tolerance and say, but I can sit in that, what else you got?

Right? So what does letting go actually fucking look like? And I think this is the million dollar goddamn question. What, how does this actually look like in practice? Because I get it. So, letting go means choosing peace over control. And I'm going to give you some big sister talk. Baby, you're not weak for wanting connection. You're tired of feeling like you have to micromanage someone to keep them. I get that. But letting go doesn't mean lowering your standards. It means that you're refusing to chase someone into alignment. You don't have to force somebody to pick you. You don't have to force somebody to choose you, especially when you're carrying the fucking relationship. And you guys know I've shared that story of the guy that changed it all for me, that changed

the way I dated, because I was so consumed with the outcome, but instead I stopped and I was like, I actually get to assess if this works for me. And I just paused. And I remember every time he didn't text me, I took it as a challenge. I was like, I'm going to expand my window of tolerance. And I remember when he didn't text me and then we had these little tips and all of these things, I allowed that to be my moment to say, I'm going to see if this works for me. And so far, I didn't like it. And at the time, I was, I didn't have the strength then to walk away. So I'm not saying it's easy. But after a minute, when you start to see, okay, this isn't panning out, someone had asked, what if I stopped trying and they pull away? Well, here's a reality.

They were never really choosing you. You were choosing both of you for you. Because the right connection doesn't require performance. It stays steady even when you loosen the grip, because that person's to talk to you. That person's going to communicate with you. And same with you. If you, if everything was great and that that person pulled away, you'd be like, hey, is everything okay? I've noticed a shift in our dynamic. Am I picking up on that correctly? And when you're so concerned of, I hear this all the time, like, if I don't say anything, well, what happens if they don't contact me? It's like, then you never had them to begin with. You're not losing anything. You don't lose anything that you didn't have. So let's try a tool. It's called the reciprocity radar. I want you to write down and be honest,

who initiates, who makes the plans? Who repairs after the conflict? And then I want you to ask, If I stopped this connection, would it keep going? Because then right there, you're so fucking focused on the outcome and where I'm going and what I need and this has to work that you're not actually sitting and looking at what is. And this is the same as if you're in a relationship or you're dating. Because I am, truth be told, I am so tired of seeing, like, I was talking my friend about this, that there are way too many therapists trying to keep couples together that have no fucking business being together. And we have this time of like, no, no, you have to be with them, right? And it's like, if you guys are both doing the work, please do. But there are a lot of people that I look and you're like, I don't.

That person's mocking you. They're putting you down. They're making fun of you. They don't believe in therapy. But yet you want to make this work. You want to commit you because the outcome is, no, no, no, I'm a failure if this doesn't work. I'm going to be alone forever.

I'm never going to meet anybody. So you've already decided your future if that doesn't work. And then you wonder why it's so hard to walk away. You wonder why it's so hard to imagine a different life. And we've got to get let go of the like time wasted. I'm wasting my time bullshit. Because no time has ever raced if you're fucking learning from something about yourself. What you waste is staying in something that fucking drains you out of fear of starting

over. I had one of my clients and she said, well, I'm just terrified. I'm 37. I really want kids. I'm scared if I, like, leave this person and I'm like, dude, you're wasting more of your time by staying with this person hoping he's going to change. And sure enough, she stayed, she stayed, at 39. She was like, I'm fucking done. Met a guy. They have two kids now. And she was down to the wire. She was like, I banged him out back to back. Because she stopped. She was like, I'm done. I'm surrendering. She's like, the person's not changing. And I'm only wasting more of my time. if I don't learn from this and actually move on. Because the fear that you have of like my top one clock is ticking and I get it.

I'm 35. I'll be 35. Well, by the time this comes out, I'm 35. It's very real. And the same with like starting over in your 30s or being back on the apps and that fear keeps you stuck. You're allowed to grieve the loss of timelines and the power of reclaiming your time. You're allowed to be sad that you didn't do certain things. But like even for me, I think about this all the time.

I'm like, man, if I had had a kid earlier on, I'm like, but I didn't. I didn't. I didn't have a child early on. And here I am going, but I'm glad I didn't. I don't know that I wanted that. Yeah, there are definitely times in my 20s that I'm like, I wish I had learned this earlier, but he didn't. What am I going to do? I can't change that. There's no time wasted if you're learning from it. And we don't have to make it good or bad. Like, when my clients this morning, he was like, I want to make sure I learn from this and it's not just a bad situation. I said, but that's the problem. Maybe what we can learn from it is just coming home to yourself and saying, I'm just no longer willing to accept that. Because someone that has, how do I not feel like I failed when something didn't work out? And it's like, well, what's the story you're telling about yourself?

because then you can start to look like, what did I learn about my patterns, my boundaries, and my desires? What did I learn from this? What version of me was attracted to this person? And what do I want to shift for the next time? What am I now more clear on because of this experience? You also get to take these situations as learning lessons and saying, oh shit. Why do you think I share all my stories with you guys?

Because then from that I go. And what did I learn from that? I learned this. And then what did I learn from that? I learned this. I layer it on because from every situation I'm learning myself. I'm learning how I want to show up. I'm learning the different ways I want to communicate with people, but how are you going to know that if you're not experiencing it?

And I get it. That's what I mean by like, we want the guarantee and the certainty, but yet we're not willing to go through the discomfort of learning it. And if you're going to do that, then at that point, you're not actually learning. I'm not teaching you how to fish. I'm just giving it to you. So now let's actually practice surrendering in real time. Like, because surrendering is a daily practice. This isn't just like a one time thing. Again, I use the gym analogy because it's the closest to it. You don't just go once. I'm like, okay, that's it. So like I want you to think of surrendering as like returning to your center over and over again because you're going to want to reach, predict, spiral, but you come back. You breathe and then you let go. It's not that you're bad at fucking letting go. You just haven't learned how to feel safe without a plan yet. And I get that. And that's why sometimes even with me, we're all stopping. I'm like, I don't know what's going to happen, but I trust that I will figure it out. Because when I do that, what I do is I start to activate that part of my brain that's like problem solving in common fucking sense, the prefrontal cortex. Okay, I can do this. do this. And there's a tool that's called the present moment anchor. And so in these moments, I want you to ask yourself, what's actually happening right now? What's actually happening right now? And then what action can I take that supports me today, not my imagined future? So you could do

grounding objects, like you could literally have a bracelet. You could have a rock on your fucking counter. You could do anything that is a physical cue that you're in the now. I'm here right now. Your breath. Now I breathe in. Now I breathe out. Sometimes I'll just literally put my hand over my heart and I'm like, I feel my chest expanding and contracting because what I'm doing is that bringing me back to where I am. This episode is brought to you by Nespresso. Hear that? That's your next obsession.

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Like actually effortless. Simply press, brew, and explore. Nespresso. What else? Keep exploring at nespresso.com. I have no control. You're right. You guys think that I wake up every morning and daisies and roses,

every single morning, I wake up worried I'm going to lose everything because that was my childhood. But then I get to make the conscious choice and I look and I see my Barbie camera and I'm like, Sabrina, you're here now, you're not back then. You get to make a choice. And I might be scared. But that doesn't mean I don't still have a choice.

When you're dysregulated, when there's a tiger chasing after you, you might be scared. But once you regulate, you can also make the choices. And then when we build that self-trust, you'll stop clinging to what's uncertain. Because the more you trust your ability to handle whatever the fuck happens, the less you need to control what happens. When you trust yourself, that's why overthinking is a lack of self-trust.

People ask all the time, I always second-guess myself when dating or I'm in a relationship. How do I trust that I'm making the right decision? Well, we got to start with the micro-moments, as Britt Frank always says, those micro-yeses. Trust doesn't require certainty. It requires self-respect. And that's the difference. The same with confidence. You guys will always ask, like, how do I get more confident when I've always

on this. It's like you get confident by doing the act and then finding out that you could do it and then realizing that you're okay after you do it. You don't get confident because you woke up and you're like, I know everything. That's arrogance. So you learn to trust yourself when you go through experiences like this. Like even the other day. I got it last night. I looked at Ryan and I said, I finally learned my lesson, I think, probably not, that every single time I'm scared about a house or where we're going to live, I always find it. In New York, I'll never forget. I had three days to find an apartment, not even two days. I had signed a lease on this place and given the deposit and they told me it was like a full gut Renno and all that. And I said, okay, well, can I come see it? It had been like a month prior.

I walked in. There wasn't a ceiling in this motherfucking apartment. Everything was complete. There was the lights hanging off, the cords, the floor was completely gone. And the guy kept saying, it'll be fine. It'll be done in two days. And I was like, dude, it's been a month. You haven't touched it. I was like, there's no way. And so I had to take my money back. I'm like, I can't move into this. I was in full panic. I was me and Clem, the movers are coming in two days. I don't know where. I have to give this apartment up. And I was like, I'll trust no matter what I'll figure it out. And I did. I found a place. It wasn't perfect. It was expensive, but I was like, I need a place. And I moved. And it worked out and it taught me a lot. And it helped me realize that I can trust myself, that I will always have. You do it anyways, right? You're like, yeah, okay, well, I always have. But you fucking attack yourself along the way. You attack yourself and as if, like, you're a fucking loser for not having had it known off the bat, but yet not giving yourself any credit for what you did learn along the way. No one taught you this stuff. Same when I'm in with me and Ryan. That's why I take a pause. Because there are moments where I'm like, am I seeing this correctly?

Am I seeing this right? Or am I, like, totally overconflating what I want this to be? I take a minute. I trust myself, and then I talk to him. And if I'm totally off base, he'll tell me and we'll talk about it. And so now we need to do this daily, a daily self-trust check-in. I wanted to ask it at night, what decision did I make that honored me today? Did I override my intuition to avoid discomfort?

Did I do something that felt off? Instead of sitting in the discomfort of missing this person, did I fucking text them, hoping that they were going to give me the closure, and then they didn't? And then what would I do differently next time from a place of self-worth? I would pause and I would sit and I'm not going to reach out to somebody that's hurt me. Because now we got to talk about this illusion of closure that you're going to get. Obviously, if you're in a relationship, this is a little different. But if you're single, people will wait on text, explanations, clarity that never fucking comes.

Because closure is not given to you. It's something you give to yourself. The person that hurt you isn't going to be the fucking person that heals you. So maybe we can do an interclosure letter. Write a letter that everything you want to say to them literally don't hold back. That could be I fucking hate you, but I love you. I want you to get it all out. Then I want you to write a letter from your future self to you now.

And let that one tell you what you're worthy of and remind you what you've already fucking survived. That way you can get it out and you can purge it and you could be done with it. Because you notice how you try to see closure because you're so obsessed with the outcome of like maybe they're going to choose me, maybe this time they'll like me, maybe they're going to want me. And then it ends up being the same fucking bullshit. God, I can't tell you how many of those texts I sent. The guy that I changed, remember the one I call him the conventionally handsome guy that I was just talking about that was treating me poorly. and then I finally ended it. Eight months later, I reached out to him and then I realized it's like, I remember nothing had changed. The way he was dismissive of me, the way he didn't make plans, the way I was the last minute thought. And I remember my mama saying, Sabrina, are you really going to go? And I said, no, I met Ryan two months later. Because I wasn't controlling the outcome anymore. I was like, I'll find somebody else, I'll meet somebody else. This ain't worth it. You don't need to know where things are going to go to trust yourself in it. Whether you're with somebody or not, whether you're single or not. Because letting go isn't giving up. You're stepping into a higher level of self-trust. You're saying, even if this doesn't become what I hoped, I will still fucking be okay. I will still be worthy and I will still be whole. You got to let go of that story so you can finally meet reality and maybe something even better. I want you to say with that for a second. We're so concerned of what if, what if, what if it works out in your favor? What if you actually meet somebody that's better for you? And what if you come home to yourself and realize this whole time you needed you? Not everybody else. Well, babies, I gave it all. That's it. I obviously let me know in the comments.

if I missed anything or any questions that you're like, I got this, this and this. If I answered it already, listen to it again. But this is the meat and potatoes of it. That's why I mean, now it's just about implementing. It's no longer, it's not how you guys don't have the information. Because even sometimes people write in like, I still don't get this. And I'm like, but I can't explain it any differently. It's that you're choosing to not try it.

You're choosing to go, no, this is all I know. And that's okay. I will meet you where you're at. But you got the tools. You've got the information. Now let's implement. As always, guys, if you need anything, there are the courses that help. That's why we do the free group coaching every month to help you guys.

to help you guys implement this with Sheila, who's my coach personally, and she's taking clients on my behalf for anybody that can't get in or wants to do IFS parts work. She's fucking amazing. There's the courses. Whatever you guys need, it's all there. And thank you guys. Thank you for sitting with me. And don't forget, rate review the show, share it with a friend, subscribe, follow the socials, all that fun shit. And tune in next week because we're going to continue this conversation and keep it fucking going. I love you guys. And thank you for sitting with me. Until next time, babies.