The Sabrina Zohar Show - 144: Is He Into You? Or Killing Time? Answering Your Questions! | In The Trenches

Episode Date: June 10, 2025

Is he truly interested, or are you just a placeholder? In this solo In The Trenches, Sabrina dives deep into your most pressing relationship questions—covering everything from masculine vs. feminine energy, handling the aftermath of a first date, healing anxious attachment, moving on from heartbreak, and spotting red flags in modern dating. Drawing from both her personal journey and expertise as a relationship coach, Sabrina offers honest, relatable advice to help you navigate the complexities of dating and self-growth. Whether you're struggling with anxious attachment, wondering how to avoid being "clingy," or questioning if your partner is genuine, this episode provides actionable insights and heartfelt support. Sabrina also answers listener questions, shares her own experiences, and encourages you to embrace authenticity and self-love throughout your dating journey. Email your questions, screenshots, or dating profiles for a potential review to [e-mail] The Self Love Course is available now! Stuck After the Podcast? Master Implementation in 8 Weeks with Sabrina's Foundation Course HERE! Do you feel like your emotions run the show and react in ways you can’t control? Join the Nervous System 101: Navigating the Unknowns In Early Dating from Sabrina and Masha Kay HERE! Struggling with a breakup? Join the Make It Make Sense: Getting Through a Breakup course from Sabrina and Britt Frank HERE! Get Ad free HERE! Want to work with Sabrina? HERE! Get merch for The Sabrina Zohar Show HERE! Don't forget to follow Sabrina and The Sabrina Zohar Show on Instagram and Sabrina on TikTok! Video now available on YOUTUBE! Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formerly known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A.Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, hello, and welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar Show. My name is Sabrina Zohar, and I am your host. Hi, friends. Welcome to our first ever in the trenches solo. It's just me, us, you. That's it. That's it for today. And welcome to my makeshift studio.

So, as you guys know, we moved. I'm so excited. We moved to L.A. And the studio is being built. And so we wanted to make sure we got you guys an episode out. And so this is where I create all my YouTube stuff. So if you guys want to watch more, there's on YouTube. 10 minute videos every week. Take a look and I'm hitting specific pain points on them like little bombing

and da-da. So I'm super excited. Guys, I have a lot to update you guys on, but we're going to get into the episode. We're going to talk. We'll talk along the way. And I'm just really grateful for you guys. So if this is your first time listening, welcome to the family. We are going to get into it. And if you are returning and coming back, well, baby, it's good to see you. And as always, guys, please don't forget. I'm so grateful to everyone that has rated, reviewed the show, sent it to a friend. We need your help. Spotify, Apple, all of these different places are changing the way they do things. So please make sure your auto downloads are turned on. On Spotify, there's a little gear icon.

You press that and make sure auto downloads are on. They're really fucking with my analytics. And so I need the support. And it's just really helpful, you guys. We are rebuilding this show. We are doing it together. So again, please, please don't forget to share it around and send it to a friend. Follow along.

And if you guys need anything, there's courses. There's all that shit. Everything's a link in bio. But we'll talk about that later. Okay. So what I did was I actually broke this episode down. So I have your questions. As you guys know, send them into In The Trenches at SabrinazoHer.com.

if you want us to, you know, want me or when Ryan's on with us. But I also did a rapid-fire question round on Instagram. And so if you don't follow along there, go ahead, the Sabrina Zohar show. But I asked you guys, what are specific questions you want me to kind of quickly answer? And so let's go down a few. And I have a sneaking suspicion. You're probably going to relate to a few. And like, I'm not going to lie.

There were definitely some on there that made me real fucking sad to see because it shows that, like, we're all still struggling. We're all still in it. You're not alone. There's nothing wrong with you. But we really just need to learn now to implement shit and not just intellectualize and think that we know what the fuck we're doing and think our way out of it. So the first question was, is living in my masculine, repelling men rather than being in my feminine. Okay, now here's my issue with this masculine feminine conversation.

There is no line in the sand. There, to a lot of people, things that my partner does is more feminine. Like he cooks and he cleans and he takes care of things around the house. And then I'm the one that's the breadwinner that's working. I mean, he works for me. I'm the one that will pay for things to happen. And so it's like, does that mean that our relationship no longer works? And so what I would suggest is stop listening. to the fucking clickbait on TikTok. Stop listening to like, you're not in your masculine and you're feminine and you're not high value. All that shit's doing is keeping you further from connection and keeping you more into performance. When you're trying so hard to be something you're not, like if you're somebody who's a little bit more masculine, like you are the breadwinner, you are the one that's going out and doing things, you don't need to change who you are. But what it is, it's less about masculine, feminine, and more about safety. Do you feel safe with this person to disarm? That way you can be more into the receiving, the feminine, and not into

the action which is masculine. But what I would say is like, also is it balanced? Because what I'm hearing is like, are you the one that's constantly texting first? Are you the one that's always trying to make the plans first? Are you the one that's really coming on strong? It's like, that's not just about masculine feminine. That's not reciprocity. Because the other person can probably pick up that this feels overwhelming to them because they're not giving anything back to you for you to keep giving to them. And so that's why I wanted to clarify. It's not about masculine feminine. This isn't about fucking golden retriever black cat. This isn't about be somebody that you're not. This is about show up authentically and make sure that the other person is reciprocating in a way that also aligns with you so you feel safer.

That way you don't have to resort to your masculine going into the person that's always doing the work because that way you can stay more in your body and receive and give when it feels safe to fucking do so. Because oftentimes the reason we go into our masculine is because we don't feel safe. We don't feel comfortable. We are worried. I think going to leave. I think you know abandon. How to handle the first few weeks after a first date. Text a lot.

Reach out or let them steer. you guys haven't already, we had a series last fall, or the one that just passed, dating 0 to 6 plus months. So it was like a four-part series where I broke down everything. So take a listen to that if you want more. But I would say is you can also set a boundary. Like if you had a great first date and then this person's not doing anything, it's like you have every right to be like, hey, I really enjoyed our date. I'd love to get to know you. I'm just really not interested in a pen pal. So let me know if that's something of interest. If not, like, I'm not really interested in texting back and forth or like however you want to say it. I've had guys like that where again, heterosexual woman

dating in those norms that were awesome, great, amazing, amazing date. And it's like, and then they were just your pen pal. And it's like, because they were keeping options open. They were doing their own thing. And it's like, it doesn't have to, again, we don't have to make it as like their malice or their bad people. But that just might not align with what it is that you're looking for, what it is that you deserve, which is somebody that is more intentional with the way that I date. Now, again, that's why I'm saying you can talk to them about it. Because if they say, hey, I'm so sorry, I've been traveling for the last month. That's totally fair. Like, when I get back, I'd love to see you. It's like, okay. But if they're just like, yeah, it totally makes sense. And then they don't do anything about it. It's like,

I don't care how great the first date is. And I don't care. This is the exact thing. This isn't action speak louder than words. It's like this person's texting every day, but they're not doing anything. There's not real action. Texting is low fucking effort. So stop looking at low effort as someone's way of showing you they're interested and start doing things that are actually going to satisfy your needs, not quell your anxiety. All right. What is the number one thing to do when healing anxious attachment? It's such a loaded question. So obviously go to listen to the podcast. Go back to listen to episode one. And again, that's why we have courses is to be able to help you guys with this and give you an actual rubric. But if we're going to do a high brow, it's like the biggest thing to actually heal that anxious attachment is learning how to take a pause because in that pause is where the magic happens.

It's not, yeah, sure, you can go to therapy and have amazing sessions and have these break-throughs and then leave and still do the same shit. And it's like awareness, if it was just awareness, then all of us would be different people. But it's not just awareness. It's what are you doing with that? And when you have that pause and you're able to challenge your thoughts, you're able to sit in your body, you're able to expand your window of tolerance. you're able to do things that make you uncomfortable, that's how you're going to heal through those attachment styles.

Because you're showing your body, I am safe now. I am able to do these things. I am really strong, smart, whatever. And so if you really want to heal that anxious attachment style, we have to learn of like, what are you doing, what reactions are happening and what can we do to respond instead? How can we take a second to just be in our own body and be in here for a minute to be like, okay, what's coming up for me? Again, why I have the courses. We have the nervous system course with me and Masha that literally lays down the foundation of like how to date healthier when you get anxious. We have the foundation course. I have eight weeks with me that is like everything you could need for the dating process. And then we have the self-love course, the breakup course with me and Britt that are helpful there if you guys need more support and specifics, that's why we did it. Sure, you could go. I help you have a therapist and a coach and all of those things. But if you're like, hey, I need a rubric. I need work sheets. I need someone to hold me accountable. I need free group coaching with Sheila every month. Like, that's why it's there. So go check it out. Everything will be Sabrinazohar.com at link in bio. And again, too, if you guys want to work together and start to unpack this shit, all of that's available. So those are my place. I love you guys, but it is important. I have a business to run, so I do need to share with you guys things that are happening like merch and all of those exciting things. And I know if you're like, Zohar, I hear you talk about this every episode. Thank you for your support. There's some of us that happen. Just got to share and, you know, get the word out there. He's gorgeous inside and out and he broke it out. He's like, okay, sure, those are two conflicting thoughts. He broke it off. This person might be an amazing person. That's the problem. You're comparing him. Okay, I have dated my fair share of good looking people. He's gorgeous inside and out, but broke things off. It's like, okay, sure, those are two conflicting thoughts. This person might be an amazing person. They might be really attractive, but that person's not for me. If they broke it off, well, then the connection wasn't there. You could be, again, two conflicting thoughts. You could be an attractive person and also not be the person for me. You could be an amazing human being, but also not be compatible for me. And so the problem is you're comparing him. You're doing the, well, no one compares and there's no one like it. And I'm never going to meet anyone like this. And then what do you

think your brain's doing? They're like, oh, God, there's nothing left. This is the only option. I do that even sometimes with my business. I forget that there are millions, billions of people on the planet. And sometimes I'm like, that's it. Okay. okay, well, that's it. Like, you didn't do this very well. Like, you know, not enough people turned into this episode. Like, you're done. And it's like, no, that's scarcity mindset that there's not enough. Instead, I have to reframe to every single day I'm meeting and being introduced to new people. Every single day, there's new opportunities to connect with different people. So if I only think that no one compares, there's only one so well much about this person. He's so beautiful inside it out. And it's like, how well do you know this person that you are able to assess and gauge that? Just, again, challenging norms and thoughts because it's not helping you to not. Okay. Only open to do. doing things he wants. When I invite him to do something I like, he's not available. Is that a red flag? Absolutely. Because that person is then on their schedule. That is conditional to them. And it's like, that's not fucking, that's not reciprocity. That's not a relationship. That's just according to them. And it's like, that's where I would say, hey, that doesn't work for me. If you'd like to grab dinner, let me know. And it's like, if that person doesn't contact you, you can keep setting boundaries. Nope, sorry. I'm not interested in doing that. Would much rather do this. Let me know if you're open to it. And then if they don't do that, it's like, then stop being their fuck buddy. Stop being their toy. Stop being the person that they can take off the fucking shelf and put you in a check. chess game and then put you back up there when they're fucking done. No, moving to LA, we've been going out all the time, you know, of course. Like, we're so much more active and we're out there. And I have been stopped by so many people.

It's beautiful. But please, like, if you see me out, please come and say hi. Like, I am not ashamed of I'm not like hiding from anybody. And the amount of people that have stopped being like, hey, man, thanks for being the voice that we needed. Thank you for being that support system. Thank you for helping us in dating. It's like, because this is the shit I get. And this is the shit I don't have patience for. Man, women, I don't care. You deserve best. better. Stop accepting this low effort bullshit in these breadcrumbs and then wondering why your needs aren't satisfied and why you're constantly craving for more and so fucking anxious. How do I balance dating a new guy and not being clingy? Join the nervous system course, duh.

But really what we have to look at is like usually when we're clingy, it's like, is this mean you're constantly texting? Is this mean that you always need the reassurance? It's like, well, then it's not about them. It's less about clingy and more about I'm trying to quell my nervous system. I'm trying to help my anxiety. I'm trying to have them tell me that everything's going to be okay because I don't think I'm safe. And again, you might be looking even like, what are you fucking talking about safe? Like, of course I'm fine. I'm in my house. Your body doesn't know that. Your nervous system isn't acclimated to understanding that. Your nervous system sees, I need this person. I have to hold on to them. Oh, my God, what if they leave me?

And it's like, that's the type of stuff we have to look at. You're not going to stop being clingy unless we understand the root cause of what is causing you to feel like this person is your end-all be all and what you're, this is your fucking oxygen. It's like my mom and I talked about in our episode for my birthday of like I used to treat men like they were my oxygen. I wasn't okay if I didn't have them in my life. Also, shameless plug, isn't these mugs cute? Did you get your tumbler? Did you get your Tumblr if you're watching if you're listening and you're like, fuck off, Zohar? Love you guys, but you guys can support the show. Sorry, okay, that too. Shall we get into some questions? Let's fucking do it, y'all. Okay. Hey, Sabrina. Hi, babes. This is a bit of a long one, so let's go.

First, I just want to say, think that you and your podcast have truly changed my life. You've inspired me to show up the most authentically in dating and pushed me to do the work on myself that I didn't know I needed to do. Because of you, I feel more confident than ever and understand my needs and own boundaries. I'm so fucking proud of you guys. Oh, I love you guys so much. Oh my God. I couldn't be prouder. Honestly. Okay, sorry. It's because of the work that I did on myself that I felt like I could give my ex a second chance. Oh. Okay. Well, let's go. We dated a couple of years ago for about eight months and it was a classic, anxious avoidant dynamic, me being anxious. He was very vulnerable with me, but also suffered from a lot of obsessive-compulsive anxiety.

Okay. Can we also really quick? I just wanted to take a second. You see what I mean that a avoidant people also have anxiety. God, I am so tired of the narrative. I have been meaning so many more, like, avoidantly leaning men especially. And it's, I feel like, they're in their own hell. They're like, I don't, it's not about want. Like, it's not about want. I just don't know what the fuck comes over me. And it's like, I'm not saying it's an excuse, but I can understand people. It's the same with the anxiety. Whenever I hear people have like, I sabotaged it. I was fucking insane. What's wrong with me? It's like, you didn't do that because you wanted to. You wanted to show up differently, but you couldn't. That's your band with. That's your nervous system. So I just side note. Nonetheless, I loved him very deeply,

but he just couldn't get up good to a point of commitment and broke it off with me. I had text terrible right now. I realized, though, that I was not in a place to be in a serious relationship after I started working through my own issues of anxious attachment. We rekindled over the holidays, November 24, where we had a very clear conversation about what we needed to address from our past and what we would expect going into a new relationship and aligned in our relationship goals. He had seemingly done a lot of work on himself and was able to own his part of our previous

relationship. For several months, he was very consistent, communicative, and showed signs of progression through the relationship that he never had in the past. It truly felt we had both did so much work on ourselves and were, finally a ready to show up authentically for each other in the deeper capacity. Throughout those recent time together, I felt like the relationship was reciprocal, vulnerable, and very honest. He introduced me to his parents. They absolutely loved me and brought, duh, and brought me over two separate family celebrations. He also bought a house during this time

and gave me a house key, encouraging me to leave as many things as I wanted there. Mind you, he also underwent a surgery during this time, which I helped take care of him and helped set up a house he had just moved in. So far, so good. Suddenly one week, and I truly mean suddenly, he started to slow fade me over the course of a few days. I felt the energy shift. Asked him about it in which he told me that he went through something traumatic, something traumatic relationship-wise, during our time apart he never told me about. He told me he would speak further in person and we would share. A few days later, he broke things off with me over the phone completely without having an in-person conversation. He told me during our time apart, he was in a serious relationship that almost led to an

engagement. Whoa. I wish I would have asked about previous relationships upon getting back together, but he had said that he thought about me so much during our time apart, and it didn't dawn on me that he could have possibly had anything significant if he was still allegedly thinking me as an ex. I've never really, I'll never really know if he loved me back, but I really felt it between us both times. I feel empty inside and I'm also trying not to judge myself for giving him a second chance. Your inside always means the world to me and I would love to hear back from you as I'm sure this has happened to other women. I'm having a hard time understanding what happened and I'm coming to terms of the fact I'll likely never know. Thank you for being a shiny light, Sam.

Oh, Sam, first off, baby, that's human. That's so human. Gurr, if I told you how many texts I've sent to dudes being like, we? Whoops. First off, I think what we need to do is we need to hold a bit of compassion in space. You did the best you could with the information that you know. And this is very classic with a lot of people. And it's like, I think this person, like, I think he's very confused. And I think he tried really hard to like rush that intimacy. It didn't work out with the other person. So he went of like, oh, it must be. Okay, here's a thing with a lot of people with avoidance. They don't understand that it's them. They see it as like, no, no, it's the people. It's the same with the anxious folk. Oh, look at that awareness I just made. Same with the

away of like, everything around me needs to change because I'm uncomfortable. It's not me. It's everybody else that needs to change. Why do you think I get frustrated and people are like, I don't like the way you talk. You speak too fast. You cut so much. It's like, go fuck yourself. Like, if this doesn't work for you, then grow a fucking pair and move on to something else. What a crazy fucking concept we have free will. But my point being is that this person, I think this is the epitome of if he wanted to, he would be, doesn't apply anymore. He wanted to. He probably really thought coming back into this was she's amazing and she's incredible. And you are. Like all of those variables. But I think what happened is like it caught up with him. He doesn't have the bandwidth. He wasn't being honest with himself. He was doing what avoidance. you stuff it down, stuff it down. It'll be okay. I could push through this. And I think it bubbled to a point where he couldn't. Now, here's a thing. Just because it ended doesn't mean that you need to discredit the relationship that you had or the connection that you had with this person and you. It not working out isn't a litmus test, meaning that you failed. It's just, then this wasn't aligned. This wasn't the person for you. And maybe we can just say, you know what? Learn my lesson.

I don't go back to the past. I had to get into a relationship with someone like my father, hit rock bottom, fucking claw my way out, just to get to the other side of, okay, now I can do this. We can go up the other side. I don't think it was a mistake. We got back together. And honestly, had we not, I don't know that I would have made the changes that I need to. So maybe we can hold some compassion in space that you're a human and you really wanted this to work. And maybe we could look at the part of you that believed, yeah, this person, you know,

and it's like, what's all to the stories? Like, they did the work. They realized I'm amazing. They came back. And it's like, of course. Well, who doesn't want that story, especially when you come from trauma? when you didn't have somebody that came back for you, when you didn't have that fairy tale ending,

when you didn't get that, yay, look, they came back and saved me. Of course you're going to want somebody that's going to see that within you. But what I'd also say is we don't need to discredit the relationship in order for your brain to make sense of this. Because that's right happening. Right now you're intellectualizing and it's very normal.

It's because your body is probably in a lot of pain. Your heart is hurting. And we have to remember, too, like our brain cannot differentiate between physical pain and emotional pain. It feels. It feels like you're dying. It feels like your body is because your body can't tell the difference. It just knows this hurts. I'm shutting down. And so what I'd say is, instead of trying

to focus so much on, did this mean anything and blah, bah, did he will have me back? It's like, maybe we can look and say, this really hurt. And we can be with the version of you that's really hurt hurt right now. We don't need to make sense of it because that's, again, that's the intellectual brain being like, oh, if I just make sense of it, then it won't hurt anymore. But it's still going to hurt. It's going to hurt because you're a human and it's going to hurt because this is hurtful. This person didn't give you the fucking even courtesy to have like a real full-on conversation. It just called you to end it. That sucks and it's really shitty. And I think, you know, now we've learned of like, protect your heart and guard your heart and ask those questions. And again, it's not about shame or

blame. It's just about, okay, moving forward, what can I do to implement things that I'm learning? And I, and if you're like, bitch, I didn't do anything. Like, I genuinely feel I showed up authentically. It's like, then fucking hold that ground and be proud of yourself for how you showed up. Again, relationship working out doesn't mean that you succeeded. I know a lot of people that get into relationships, myself included with my ex, didn't mean it was a good relationship. It just meant that we were in one and I was, where her dramas aligned. So I think it's also about just being able to reframe endings as they're not a failure.

This is just an opportunity for you to level up and grow with somebody new. Otherwise, this is going to drive you insane. And that's the thing is a lot of people are, I don't believe that. It's like, okay, well, you could choose what you believe. That's totally valid. You're telling me like, hey, fuck off. That doesn't align. And it's like, that's totally fine.

But then what happens is you have a part of your brain called the salience network. and that is going to, and the RAC, the reticular art, God, I always fuck this up. You know, when you read it and you're like, I got this, and then I don't got this. The RAC, so the RAC is your funnel. It's essentially what's coming in that your brain is like, okay, this is what I'm going to care about and this is when I'm not. And then you have the salience network. And the salience network is responsible for looking for if I say, oh, yeah, I love that lipstick. And then you notice and you're like, everybody's wearing that shade or like I'm looking for a red car.

Wow, everyone's driving a red car. Your brain is now looking for it. So we need to reframe what's happening in your brain so that you start to look for, you know, what, there's glimmers. There is beauty in the world. There are amazing people. Like, I exist. They exist. We have to equip you with the tools that you're going to need in order to change your mindset. It's really important. But I also just think, go easy on yourself. Show yourself some compassion and grace. And when you want to get hard on yourself, just take a second for herself to be like, how is this helping? How is this serving me? It's so interesting. I am,

I'm woo. You know, like, in L.A. now the number one question people ask is like, like, what are you free? You're rising, your moon and your sun sign. And like, of course, Ryan like rolls his eyes every time. And me, I'm like, with pride answering. And I have an energy reader. Like, and again, she's just more like this. She's not a psychic, none of that shit. We just, she talks to my fucking soul. And she really talks about like, what's the authentic me need? And I fucking love her. If anybody wants her contact, DM me, I'll send you her phone number. I fucking love Trish. And I've been working for four years. And I had session with her the other day. And I was being really hard on myself. And I was like, but since the name change and I haven't

like, right? Since the breakup. And I haven't been able to move on. And I can. And she finally stopped me. And she said, your spirit's waving her hands in the air. And she says, I need you to hear me and I need you to hear me with love. I need you to get the fuck over this. You didn't let anybody down and you haven't disappointed anybody. You're the only person that thinks that. And that's my message to you. You haven't disappointed anybody. It didn't work out. That's okay. It wasn't meant to work out. And it's the same. I'm looking at this now going, okay, like even yesterday, watched a new TV show. I had auditioned to be the good dating coach on. Didn't get it. And I'm sitting there watching the people that they chose. It's the same as like, you have a girl part, right? The reason. I share this is because it's the same thing. It's the same feelings that are evoked. It's just a different, I'm talking about work and you guys are having romantic personal, but like it's all very similar. And which by the way, next solo, next, not next solo. Oh, no, by the time this comes out, yeah, the next solo, I'm listening to you guys. We're going to evolve and not just talk about relationship stuff, like romantic. We're going to expand. But I watched this show and I'm watching this guy on there and the girl and I'm sitting there being like, okay, so they have like a thousand followers. So it's not about that. It's not about like clout and following. And I could have on into the what's wrong with me and why didn't they choose me. But instead I looked and I watched and I said, I get why they didn't choose me. This makes total sense. This isn't for me. I wouldn't have, I would have fucking lost my shit on most of the people on the show. They are so, so far. And like, you want me to fix all these people in two to three weeks and there's nothing I could do there, which the irony is a lot of them follow me. So I was like, this would have been interesting. But I had to look at it as,

this isn't for me. This is rejection to redirection. That's not my show. That's not my opportunity. Something else is coming. Something else is coming. Because I know. I know in my my heart and in my soul, I can see myself on a Netflix show, on a peacock show. Like, I see it. I see it. That I will host it, that I will be that. I just haven't gotten it yet. But that doesn't mean it doesn't exist. That doesn't mean that I'm, that there aren't conversations behind the scenes I don't know about. And that's the, that's what I need you because to hold on to in your romantic life. Just because it didn't work out. You watch this person going, I don't get it. They went with somebody else. I don't understand, but they didn't

choose me. It doesn't mean that there is not somebody out there looking for you just like you're looking for them. It's just not your time, baby. And that is okay. We've got to be okay with sitting in spots that we might not be comfortable in. That doesn't mean that there's anything wrong. That doesn't mean. So imagine if I said that, I was like, all right, well, you know what?

I'm just going to quit my career. And you're like, wait, what? Because that didn't work out? That's the same as me when you're always like, I'm just not going to date. Fuck this. I'm done. I'm a piece of shit.

And you're like, wow. So one situation, that's it. Knocked you on your side. Well, fuck, how are you going to get through life? I walk out of this fucking door and shit knocks me down. But you get back up. You put one foot in front of the other is the only way forward, does my sister says. I don't want the episodes to just revolve around like, here's science, here's

data, here's a study, here's this. It's like, I want to build a community with you guys. I want us to feel safe. I want us to feel supported. I want you guys to know me and I want to know you. So I hope you like it. And I hope, guys, as always, if you need anything, don't forget there are courses. There are courses. You can work one-on-one. You can ask a question. We do profile audits, whatever you guys need. Everything's link in bio. And there's some free guides. So start there if you want or take a look at the courses. The self-love course with Brett is so special. It's now out. It's officially out pre-sale is done. You guys, we saw, we did the free book for the first 25 people within like a couple of hours that was done. It's just, I'm really excited. And honestly, I'm just grateful for

you guys. I just wanted to take a minute to thank you to thank you for being here, even though, like, yeah, since the name change, we've lost quite a bit. It just seemed me personally, that doesn't mean I haven't also gained so much. So if I look only at what I've lost, I'm never going to see what I also gained, which is everybody that's here right now. And I'm not going to focus on the people that have left. I'll call open the door for them. I'm going to focus on the people that stayed because you guys mean everything to me. So thanks. Thanks for helping your former hot mess live her dream out every day. All right. Let's go to another question. Been dating this girl for a year now. She's always been very independent about her life and usually never tells something about her past. But I've learned

recently that one of her best friends is her ex-boyfriend and they've been seeing each other after the relationship. Don't know if that was happening after we started dating, but she referred to me as her friend to her friends for a long time and I'm not sure she's being clear about it now. I've also learned that the ex-boyfriend tried to see her on New Year's night, which means that he still thinks he can get her whatever he wants, even though it didn't happen this time. I want to know if I've been a third guest in all of, okay, before I continue, which we could see. You guys can tell me if you like this, if you want me to analyze. Actually, no, let me read it all and then fucking go into here. But I've been in the guest and all this. It's really hard for me to confront her about it, or it's been like that. But I keep having doubts and maybe it's just my mind playing tricks on me and there's nothing to it, but I'd like some advice on to proceed. Do I even know if I can keep dating her? I came to develop deep feelings for her in this year and I told her I love her, but now I, that I've learned all these things. My brain has been busy for two weeks. I don't know what to do. If it's nothing, I run the risk of losing the person that I now love. If I don't risk, if I don't ask, I'm 99% of your show you don't ever tell me. I hope this message resonates with other people.

Thanks, Alejandro. So the reason I, what I wanted to hit in here is we're making assumptions. He asked her to hang out on New Year's Eve, which he still thinks he can get her, whatever he wants. And it's like, how do you know that she didn't tell him, hey, text me on New Year's Eve and let me know what you're up to? This is what it means. Like, we're filling in the blanks here. And I get it. We're filling in the blanks here with our insecure. Oh, see, he thinks he can have her whenever he wants. She's going to go back to him. It's like, he existed before you did. And I'm not saying right or wrong. I'm not saying good or bad. None of that. It's not about like, oh, she's in the right. You're in the wrong. No, no, no, no. Nobody is it.

What I am saying is like, this guy existed before you. So he was around. And if he was her friend prior to that and she never said anything, it's like, that was the way that you guys built this relationship. So what I'm hearing is that you built the relationship without being true. She built it without being truthful. Because my concern is you said it. If I don't say anything, I don't think she's going to be open about it. So then what relationship? What are you fighting so hard for? If you can't even talk to somebody, like, if I, here's the funny thing. I went on a hike recently with a friend. And this was probably like, this was in San Diego, so like three or four months ago. And it was a guy I used to date. He was in town and he was blah, blah. And I told Ryan, I was honest about it. I said, listen, he's a really sweet guy. We never, like were intimate. We didn't do anything. We didn't do anything. We just like, went on a couple of dates. And I was like, I don't get a fuck, go ahead. And I, and then I was like, do you want to come? And he ended up coming. And the reason I share this isn't because I have nothing to hide. Like, okay, somebody came, let's hang out. This person wants to see me. Great, let's do it. But if I were dodgy about it, if I had been this at the other, like, then I would understand Ryan being like, hey, I don't feel comfortable with this. Like, you're not being honest with me. You're not being truthful. So what I would say here is like, maybe this is a really great time to stop and say, who am I in love with, what I'm in love with? Am I being

honest with myself? Or am I, have I been living in a dream and in a days and in a kind of a delusion for the last year? I don't know. I don't think she's a good or bad person and don't think anybody is in the situation. Given the paragraph that I read, again, I'm only going based off the information that's here. I don't know the nuance and that's why black and white is so dangerous and just, you know, I say this on my lives all the time. follow on TikTok. I go live every day. Different times. Sorry about that guys. But I always say I'm like, the reason I don't just give a quick answer of like, oh, it's this is because your life is really fucking important and your life matters to me. And if I give you advice that shit and then you go and do something and you're like, Sabrina, what the fuck? That's on me now. And I then impacted your

life. And that is a lot of pressure because I don't want you to have any mis. I want you to live your fucking life. That's why when you guys were right in, what do I'm like, it's not my job to tell you. I can only play devil's advocate and give you thoughts, but I can't tell you what to do. And so I'll say this. Do you feel like you have an honest open relationship with this person? Because if your answer is yes, then have the fucking conversation of like, hey, I'll be honest with you, this is landing on me and it's making me feel really shitty. I thought we had a really open and honest relationship. And then finding out that not only is this person your ex, you guys are still seeing each other without telling me. And I think that had I not said anything, you wouldn't have said anything, it's really

hurtful to me. And it doesn't really feel like I can breed trust. And I wanted to see, how are you feeling about things and what's coming up for you? Because it's like, maybe this person tells you, like, I'm sorry, I can't do this, or it's really nothing. And it's like, then you just make a choice. Do you believe them or not? If you believe them, then great, trust them. It's not conditional trust. I'm like, well, but you can't throw this back in their face in six months. It's okay, well, then come up with a plan. Okay, you guys can hang out or not like, that's not for you to choose. That's for them to choose. That's for them to choose. And if she says, this person's not leaving my life. They're in my life. I care about them. This is my person. I care about them. I don't have a crystal ball. I don't know if this person's being honest with you. None of us. do. We can make deductions. We can project onto them. We can make assumptions, but we don't know. And if she's not going to be honest with you, then we can only go based off of, okay, well, you have a choice here. And what are your choices? Have a conversation with her? Like you said, I can walk away and maybe risk losing the person I love, okay? But do you trust her? Do you guys have open and honest dialogue? Do you believe that this person's going to be real with you? That's my thing. The fact that you said it at the end, if I didn't say anything,

I don't know if she would have been honest with me. That's a huge concern for me. Because you can't build a healthy and secure relationship if you don't even trust this person's going to be honest with So that would be my suggestion. And I get this all the time of like, person I'm dating has women and friends that are women or men, right? Like, again, male female, we're talking the chromosomes. I understand gender is fluid. I'm not trying to fucking put anybody in that, but I am saying there is not a lot of options, right? Like, it's not the animal kingdom where there are thousands of different species.

And you're like, okay, whatever, you don't want to hang out of elephants. There's men, there's women, there's non-binary. But like, that's it. That's it. There is very few options here. So like if I'm going to have a partner that only has one gender friend, I'm going to be concerned because they're not getting perspectives. I learn a lot from my guy friends. I have conversations with my guy friends where I'm like, wow, okay, think this is your perspective.

This is really interesting. Same with my girlfriend. Same with Ryan. Like he speaks to women and he understands differently. It's okay. It's okay for your partner to have people in their life that give them different perspectives. But again, do you trust them? I wouldn't be with my partner if I didn't trust him.

He's never given me a reason not to. And so I think that's really it is like, is it that I don't trust them. because my gut is telling me that or is this my anxiety? Where do I feel it in my body? How old do I feel when I'm coming up with these things? What is the story and the narrative I've convinced myself of? Just going to be real with you guys. And I'm excited. Moving forward, the episodes to come. They're going to be more me. I'm going to have a lot less notes. I'm going to have a lot. Like, I'll have studies and shit. But I just want to be myself. I want to come and sit here and hang out with you guys. I want to talk about things that I genuinely give a fuck about, not the same thing over and over again.

And a lot of you guys will write in and leave the question box on Instagram. And you'll ask a question. I'm like, I have six episodes on this. Like somebody, literally yesterday was like, do you have an episode on Borderline Personality Disorder? And I was like, dude, that just came out three days ago. I'm like, you had to go through seven stories to get to this one to ask me a question, which meant you watched that one four times. So, guys, my suggestion would be this. We have the resources.

You have the podcast. If you've listened to everything and you're still coming going, but you didn't do an episode on this. One, go back to it. Two, like search it. But two, listen when you're regulated. When you're dysregulated, it's not going to land because you're in that survival mode. Come back when you're in a more regular.

state, you could take notes, you can really the questions I say, you could jot them down. And then again, if you need more support, there are the courses. I have four courses out right now that are all self-guided and everything includes free group coaching monthly with Sheila, who is my coach. She helps implement. There's a WhatsApp group where everybody's in. You guys meet. And then if it's not, I think the recordings get sent after just to the group so it's more contained. But we have the resources for you. Now, again, it's not a lack of information. It's a lack of implementation. And I love you guys, but invest in yourself. Again, you don't want to work with me. that's fine. You don't want to take my course? That's fine. There are so many options, but I do

the options for you depending on what you need. And again, you want to work one-on-one. Ryan and I do dating app profile audits. We'll give you a full fucking audit. You can ask a question I answer back. Whatever you guys need, I'm here. But I'm just really grateful. Like, my book is, I turned in my first draft, you guys. I turned in my first draft. I have got another few months of editing, but I did it. Like, I did the initial bulk of it. And I read it now and I'm like, who's this? Oh, my God, it's me. And it's all real. It's all real. I didn't. I didn't. belish anything. On the contrary, I think I, like, toned things down because I was embarrassed to say things. But I'm also looking back on those parts of me being like, fuck, I love you. You're so special. And thank you so much for everything you've ever done for me. I hold so much. Because if I don't, if I don't, if I don't, who will. So, and guys, please, please, one last thing. We have ads. You guys know about that. Now, if you're fine with ads, cool. Thank you so much. Thanks for supporting the show. We appreciate it. That's how I can keep all of this going and these boozy ass fucking cameras. But if not, we've ad free. It's four bucks a month. Like, I know. And it's it's so interesting because I've been approached by all these platforms of like, you want to do a membership and you could get thousands of people. And it's like, no. Because I think a lot of people here, it's like, just because you have free resources doesn't necessarily mean that you'll convert and that's okay. But if you want to, if you actually want more for four bucks a month, you can have no ads. It's just episodes. You get video and audio ad free. All of that's available. Again, guys, please don't forget, rate review the show. Please share it with a friend. Put in your Facebook groups. Like we are literally, because when I changed the name, all of my SEO,

was taken, like every search engine, all of that background. So now I'm rebuilding the show, which is how we dropped in the charts. Why? Because before we were getting all these new people, new people, new people, and then you changed the name. And then they're like, oh, never mind. So I'm trying, babe. I'm trying. I'm coming out of a breakup. I'm on the other side of it, too, being like, we're learning my strength, figuring out my footing, and getting back to me. So you're not alone. I'm here with you. So that's all I ask from you. Again, just please support the show in the ways. Leave a comment below on Spotify if you're listening on YouTube if you're watching. Review it on Apple. Please, please.

please, please, and obviously look at them, you know, be cognizant to the language. And just thank you for supporting. Thank you for being here. And thank you for following on the socials and engaging and being part of this community because it's only possible because of you. Sure, I could sit there and fucking preach from the top of a hill, but if nobody's listening, it falls on deaf ears. Thank you guys. I love you. I hope you guys enjoyed in the trenches with just me. Just a solo. And if you did, awesome, please let me know if you're like, nope, I love the guests. Please let me know. But they're going to get a lot more solos moving forward. I'm doing three to four a month solo and maybe one guest because the numbers speak for themselves. I know a lot of you guys

be like, I love the guests. Well, a lot of you guys love me more. So give the people what they want. But thank you guys. I love you. Sorry I'm talking your ear off. Thank you for coming to my TED Talk. I will see you guys on Friday for our solo. And as always, thank you for showing up as you and allowing me to show up as me. Until next time, babies.