The Sabrina Zohar Show - 145: How to let go of seeking external validation and actually find your person

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Starting point is 00:00:49 Don't miss what the movie blog calls something you need to watch. Saving those children is how we all go home. From, binge all episodes exclusively on Paramount Plus. Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar Show. My name is Sabrina Zohar, and I am your host. Welcome back, my babes. Our time alone, I love solo time.

Starting point is 00:01:12 Guys, today we're going to talk about how to let go of seeking external validation and finally find your fucking person. Yes, we have some relationship episodes, but this one today is for my single babes. And honestly, if you're in a relationship and you want to learn how to let go of external validation, fuck yeah, come on in. We'd love to have you. But I want to make sure I'm supporting everybody in the ways that you guys need. And as always, if you need more, there are courses. You can join the foundation course,

Starting point is 00:01:33 which really helps to set up a solid foundation for, you know, seeking your partner and coming home to yourself. We've got the self-love course, which is new with Britt Frank. We have the breakup course with her and the nervous system course with Masha, whatever you guys need. Everything will be linked in the show notes, some free guides. There's some fun stuff in the link. Whatever you guys need. And as always, thank you for showing up. Thank you for sharing it with your friends. Thank you for reading and reviewing the show. I read them all and it makes me just feel so overwhelmed with love that I'm able to support you guys and help in the ways that you need. So please keep the questions coming. Let us know what episodes you guys want to see.

Starting point is 00:02:04 And just know, I'm here for you guys. I love you guys. And now without further ado, let's get right the fuck on into it, shall we? Hey, babes. Welcome back. So it's pretty wild. For anybody watching, this is our last solo episode in this studio. This is it. After this, we're taking the studio down and we're moving, y'all. And I am so over the fucking moon. I have words can't even begin to describe how excited I am for newness. And I've never been a people place this thing person of like, oh, you know, don't run away from your problems. They'll follow you. And it's like, no, but in this regard, I'm ready. So I'm ready to shed the old. I'm ready to let go. I'm ready to leave behind. Also the version of myself that was here, I think the version that needed to compete against

Starting point is 00:02:45 other people that needed to put herself down in order to grow and evolve, being shame-based. And now I'm just learning like, babe, come home to yourself, be with you. You got the tweet. You got everything internal. And that kind of leads us into, you don't need to necessarily go external. So I'm really excited, y'all. And, you know, some of you guys have asked, too, which I'll mention it briefly, but while you guys have asked, like, what's going off my mold detox? I'm just going to say this. I have found in the last seven or eight months that I've been doing this that a lot more of our anxiety is physiological than we believe. And I'm not saying everybody has this, but me with having so much mold, like, I couldn't sleep. I wasn't functioning properly. I had, like,

Starting point is 00:03:21 literal heart palpitations throughout the day. I was not functioning, even though like everything on paper was fine. And I always knew I had black mold in my old apartment and I lived in New York. Like, it's not shocking. And all the parasites and the plastics and my estrogen was off because of a parasite. Like, it was a fucking nightmare. Long story medium is follow your gut. I was, it brings about so I brought it up about the external validation. I was talking to these doctors and I was listening to them telling me, nope, you're fine, everything's fine, but not listening to my gut saying, I don't think I'm fine. Something feels off. I don't feel right. And knowing like, okay, yeah, I have trauma. Daddy, is sure, whatever. Like, I have all these things. I'm like, but I have a hard time believing that that's why I'm feeling this way. And it's like, well, I was right. And so I am going to be documenting more on my personal Instagram, Sabrina dot Zohar. And it's just wild. Like, I've been doing more content that feels more like me. And I've been losing followers. I'm more than okay with that. And we've been gaining too. But my point being is like, again, it all kind of revolves back to the topic of today. And I don't normally share a shit ton of my personal life outside of my relationship stuff. But I also want to let you guys in more. I want to create a real community of people that are here together for not just the advice, but for also me and as a person and what I can offer you guys. And so I'm excited. I'm going

Starting point is 00:04:32 to be creating a lot stuff on there, Sabrina dot Zohar, if you want to follow along, and just want to support you guys in different ways. It's not just all about like relationships and dating. There is more to life. So I want to do some relationships and friendship episodes, maybe some family, like whatever you guys need. Let me know. Put them in the comments, pop them on in, and let's figure it out. I'm not seeking the external validation, but I am saying I want to meet you guys where you're at. And so let's talk about how do you let go of seeking external validation and find your person? I don't know about you guys, but that was a struggle I had for fucking years. I really, I was really big on the people pleasing, on the overperforming and thinking that if I just do what other people want, if I can get you to

Starting point is 00:05:10 like me, then I will be good enough. And it wasn't until I started this career where I started to realize it's like body count, but not in the way that I mean it. I meant like a, you know, like a murder, right, when they have that. But it's like the more people that you get that might validate you, oh yeah, it doesn't satisfy that interior need because then you get the people that don't. Then you get the external people that don't agree with you that don't like you and you're like, oh shit, I'm being challenged and squeezed in so many different ways right now. And what it taught me was I personally had to stop trying to get other people to validate and to choose me. And I had to really learn, you know, this starts with you. And it's like I did a video the other day. This is, you know,

Starting point is 00:05:46 Obviously, by the time this comes out, you guys will probably not remember the video. But it was about saying, like, maturing is realizing that, like, delete the fucking paragraph. And we are so conditioned of like, if I just explained to you what's going on, if I just tell you I am upset, then you can tell me that I am valid for being that upset. It's exhausting. And more often than not, like here's a reality, if the person that hurt you have the bandwidth to understand why they hurt you, I don't think you'd be in the position that you're in now being so hurt. And I know that is a harsh reality of like, oh, fuck. but people meet you as far as they can meet themselves. So if this person can't comprehend why you're hurting, sending a fucking dissertation paragraph

Starting point is 00:06:22 that ain't changing anything. And that took me a long time to learn. I used to do that. Every guy dated would get this like fucking novella after of like all the things. And it was like there was no clear thought process. There was no through line. Like it's the same as when somebody just completely removes themselves, like the avoidant up, not dealing with this.

Starting point is 00:06:39 Where in the anxious person comes so full forward of like, no, no, you're going to hear everything. neither one of those are healthy places to be in. No one's bad. No one's good. No one's right. No one's wrong. It's just about being honest of like, oh, wow, yeah, me trying to get them to validate me is really keeping me stuck. And I'm chasing approval. And that all can feel like love, but they're actually self-abandonment in disguise. And you guys hear me talk about self-abandonment all the fucking time. But here's the truth, and it's going to be a hard one. You can't attract someone who truly sees you if you're

Starting point is 00:07:10 addicted to being liked. And that's what this episode is about. We're going to understand and why you crave external validation. Here's a spoiler alert. It's not vanity. It's actually fucking survival. How to rewire your brain and body to stop outsourcing your worth and how to make yourself emotionally available to someone who actually fucking wants you, not your performance.

Starting point is 00:07:28 Because that's never going to be sustainable and that's not going to be something that you're going to be able to do long term. It's funny. I was talking to Mashi yesterday to be going for lunch. And we were talking about a friend of hers that's just within a relationship that none of us really understand. And she laughed and she said, you know, people always ask, It's the same question I get of like, you know, because she said when her friend was telling her about this, she's like, sorry. I mean, like, she was married and, you know, she was married with the baby. And she's like, you know, the friend's not. And she's like, listen, I don't understand the relationship you're describing. And the reason I don't understand the relationship you're like, I didn't play the cool girl. And then all of a sudden now, you know, two years in, my partner still wants to go have a boys weekend every weekend, like a full on day where I'm with my friends or I'm going to be doing this. And it's like, that's cool. But like, you're also in a relationship now every single weekend. That's a tough sell. That's a tough sell. Like eventually, and it's like they want to have kids. They're thinking about progressing in their relationship. And it's like, she's even explained to the guy like, well,

Starting point is 00:08:21 what's going to happen when we have kids? And he's like, I'm still going to have my boys day every weekend. And it's like, no, you're not. I'm sorry. You're now a parent. You're now a father. And that's what I mean by when we don't show up authentically. When we don't show up as ourselves, when we don't take up space off the bat, then what happens? Your needs don't get met. And then you're wondering why. And then what's happening. And then you get resentful. And then, you know, it's why we had Dr. Morgan on to talk about, unmet needs, expectations, and resentment, they really are the relationship killers. So let's first thought of, like, why do you seek validation in the first place? And it's not just because, like, I'm sure, you could chalk it up and be like, you're insecure. And it's like, okay, thank you. But at the root of it, like, you are taught to earn love not to receive it. That's a really simple way to put it. Because when love was inconsistent, if it's conditional or withheld as a kid, your nervous system learned in order to get connection, I must earn it. that becomes your relationship blueprint. That becomes what you are now seeking in your relationship. I came from that. It was so inconsistent, so hot and cold that my nervous system was like, oh, that's love. Love is when this happens. And so, again, I meet you guys where you're at. Now you guys will tell me, no, no, I had a perfect childhood. And it's like, again, this is not about villainizing your parents. None of this is like, ooh, you good, bad. No, that's that black and white thinking. But what it is holding two conflicting thoughts of like, I love my parents, but they taught me this. That doesn't really help me now. Or I in turn.

Starting point is 00:09:38 It's not their fault. Sometimes it can be. Like for my family's unit and my origin story, you know, it's kind of their fault when you think about it. But if you were taught, and for some of us have the big T's. Some of us are like me that are like, yeah, yeah, it's pretty obvious to kind of be like, you know, I know where I learned that from. And then for other of us, it's not. And that's okay. It's okay. But when you have your relationship blueprint, I could all but guarantee your friendships are probably going to mirror that as well. And so now you are going to overgive. You'll over apologize and you perform instead of receive because there's such a discomfort. in just being in your own body. And like, I remember that. I remember trying to always be in my best behavior with the perfect text, the perfect time vulnerability, needing them to like me. Then I realize, like, wait a minute, I'm more focused on being chosen than I am actually, like, legitimately choosing myself because I don't even know that I, I can't tell you many times that's happened. Or I'm dating somebody and I'm just so focused on like, why aren't they calling me? Why aren't they texting me? What's going on? Right? That's where Brits, why questions come in of like you're wasting your time by asking those. I never stopped to be like, Sabrina, do you like this person for who they are? Do you genuinely like the way you're being treated right now? Do you like how dismissive this person is, how flippant they are, the fact that they've gone five days without even responding to you? No, it was just choose me. The ride that steals the spotlight every time it hits the road? That's the Volkswagen TIG one. Its sleek exterior makes a first impression you can't ignore.

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Starting point is 00:11:26 He was a big photographer in New York. I was like 23. I'm wondering if I even had a climb. Maybe even a little young. younger. And the irony is he had photographed me for Fashion Week in I was like 20. And so I remember my friend and I was like 20 or 21 and I was like, what are the odds? Like that's that one guy. And I think we matched online. And he was away, he was a big, big photographer. And like the red flags were so glaring. He was so fucking arrogant. He was so pompous. He thought he was God's fucking

Starting point is 00:11:55 gift to this world as a photographer. And it was like, babe, go easy on yourself. Like you photograph people at Fashion Week. Like, you're not exactly like fucking coffee books on the table. But he was talented. Don't get me wrong. But he acted like Kanye. Like literally, like my presence is your present. And I was just so convinced that if he chose me, then like that gives me validation. And I remember like we were texting. I had like a song for his ringtone when he would text me as aging myself when we actually had our phones not on silent. And it was probably like a month of texting of just that false sense of intimacy and feeling. Then when we went out in hindsight, I couldn't stand him. I couldn't stand this guy. I was so turned off by his personality. But like,

Starting point is 00:12:35 what did I do? Still invited him back to my house to full around. Still did everything he wanted me to do when he didn't reciprocate. And then at the end of it, it was, oh, by the way, I have to go home and pack. I have a trip. I'm leaving for a month. See ya. And then treated me as if, like, I had murdered his entire family. A very just like, you're being clingy. And I was like, clingy. But we just spent a month texting. And then we, like, we didn't hook up. But I was like, but we fooled around. we did other stuff, and then you're going, I'm confused. And so, of course, instead of me standing in my power and my truth, and I also didn't know any better, I was 22, 23, I made it about myself. And I tried so hard to like, okay, just text them at this specific time, make sure that it's this, asking all my

Starting point is 00:13:10 friends, sending the screenshots, like, if I have to get a brigade of my friends to analyze the text message of the motherfucker that I'm dating, to understand what are they thinking, why they say this, but they didn't put a period, what's happening? There are two things. One, I'm self-abandoning because I don't trust myself. And two, then I don't know that this person's creating safety. If I have to have 70 of my friends try to analyze what the fuck they're talking about because they are not offering clarity. They are playing games or they are breadcrumbing or just giving me enough. But I was so in my shit that I allowed it. So I'm going to leave that one. And so somebody had asked, why do I feel so anxious when someone doesn't text me back right away, even if I'm not that fucking into them? Oh, baby, it's a story I know all too well. And why Masha and I created the nervous system course. That's literally why because you guys always say, I have anxiety with texting. Your girl did too. And I don't know what the fuck to do with myself. But really, it's because your body isn't chasing connection. It's chasing approval. When you don't get a response, it triggers that core wound.

Starting point is 00:14:03 Am I still enough? When I'm not being affirmed, does this person still care about me? What's wrong with me? And then the brain all of a sudden we start to, which we're going to get to. But like, our brain starts to create this whole chemical and it feels familiar. The parts of the body and the parts of the brain that are activated when these types of things happen, when these withdrawals happen, when these please validate me, please validate me. It's not about the person.

Starting point is 00:14:22 And I know that it's not about the person because half the time you guys will say, like, when I'll ask you, what do you like about them? It's never really about them. We tend to only obsess over people that don't make us feel safe. And the reason our brain does that is because it's trying to fill in the blanks. It doesn't feel safe. So it's trying to do anything to seek safety. And unfortunately, those manager parts, right, if we're talking IFS, they only know how to keep you safe in one way.

Starting point is 00:14:41 They're not here to help you expand and grow. They're here to keep you safe in the ways they always have. And that's why it doesn't work. And then you have your brain. When you're on validation, you have dopamine, you have reward and you have control. You guys know I love the neuroscience. And we've been talking about the ventral striatum. And that's your brain's reward center.

Starting point is 00:14:54 So it lights up in anticipation of validation, not things. validation itself. So you get that dopamine spike when you check your phone. You see someone viewed your story or you get a like, not because it's actually fucking meaningful, but because it's a predictable reward seeking behavior. Our brain loves predictive. That's why dating apps and breadcrumming become addictive is because our brain is trying so hard to make sense and fill in the blanks. And it has this, it's a predictive method and mechanism. And so it's like, wait, wait, I need it again. I need it again. I need it again. It's not. You're not crazy. Welcome to your ventral striatum. And then we go into the default mode network where you just, that's your baseline, right? That's the

Starting point is 00:15:31 automatic. That's where we just go back on like the ruminating and the spiraling and the thought process. And then what happens? The salience network gets activated. And the salience network is like, oh my God, okay. So they're getting rewarded. The dopamine is being released. Every time they check their phone, every time they get the like, every time they do this, every time there's the anticipation of, not when they actually get it. So it's telling your brain is, I need more. I need more. I need more. That's why you feel like you're going to die. Then it activates the different part of your brain. Then the salience network kicks on and is like, let me scan for this. They don't feel safe. There's not safety here. oh my God, they're not safe. And you're like, don't know if that's the case. So here's a tool. It's called the validation tracker. So for two days, I want you to track every time you reach for validation. I did that. Masha made me do that for a while. I was, every time I'd get super dysregulated, I'd go on Insta to see how a video was doing. And she would notice, she would be like, oh, my God, look at your shoulders. Look at the way. Like, how tense you are. And I'd be like, oh, my God, you're right. Or on the contrary, I would go and look at my reviews to be like, see, told you, I knew it. Someone left a one star. Someone hates the way I talk. I'm like, because I'm too much. Oh my God.

Starting point is 00:16:27 it could go on for days. So I want you to notice, every time you check their socials, every time you reread the text, every time you talk to someone about just to get the feedback, at the end of the day, I want you to ask, what feeling was I trying to avoid in that moment? And more often than not, that's the harsh reality of this. Whether it be avoidance or anxiety, we're avoiding feeling something. So for the avoidant, when they are scared, they remove themselves, I don't want to feel the sphere or the emotions or whatever. And then when the anxious person has that person remove themselves, the anxious person chases them because it's, okay, I don't want to feel the abandonment, the rejection. More often than not, it's the story I attached to it than the actual situation that causes the pain.

Starting point is 00:17:06 That's why half the time when you guys are like the breakup stuff, when you're fucking trying to convince me of like, as we wrote it today, being like, no, you know, this stuff isn't so black and white. I did no contact because I was this person's punching bag and they were constantly abusing me and I can like, I have such a big heart and it's like, no, no, I'm done with this. I love you. And I say this is so much love. Stop making excuses for other people's bullshit behavior and then allowing yourself to play into that. You get a choice. You don't like the choice. And I get that, maybe. Neither did I. You do have a choice, though. You have power. And I'm not saying that to put anyone down. It's to validate and empower you. You're no one's punching bag unless you

Starting point is 00:17:39 continue to fucking stand there. You don't have to take people's bullshit. You can say, no, thank you. It might suck, but what's the story you're attaching to that? No, who am I? How dare I? No, no, no. I'm never going to find anyone else. They're going to think I'm this. So it's external. But we're not actually turning up internal. Because what's the cost? Right. Literally. the cost. Because when you're constantly chasing that validation, you're missing out on so many aspects of life. Because you can't choose clearly while you're trying to be chosen. You're actually offline. When you're externally focused, what happens? You ignore your own body signals. You can't tune into your gut when your entire attention is on, do they like me? What should I say to make them

Starting point is 00:18:19 stay? Are they going to leave me? Are they going to want me tomorrow? What about making them interested? What version of me should I show up as? Why do you think I fucking hate all the this black cat golden retriever shit. What are you doing is that? Well, how, what else can I do? How can I show up is this? When you're dysregulated, you're not tuning into your body to go, I really don't like this. This feels really inauthentic. I am not a fan of the way that this person makes me feel. No, everything is just, no, get them to like me. Because as a kid, I totally fucking get it. It wasn't safe to stop and ask yourself that. How could you? Who gave you the tools? Who gave you the bandwidth? Who taught you? Where's your window to onto? How did your nervous system know that that would be safe? It doesn't.

Starting point is 00:18:55 That's totally okay. We don't. We don't. We don't. We don't. We don't. We don't. We don't. We don't need to berate or belittle anybody because of that, but we do need to be realistic and acknowledge what it actually fucking is. So someone that said, I feel like I disappear in dating. How do I stop changing myself to be liked? Oh, baby, you don't disappear by accident. You disappear because the stakes feel too high to be rejected as your real self. And I know that because that's what I was doing for a while in my content. I was so terrified to put myself out there. I was scared to post a video because I was scared of two things. One, the feedback, the comments, what people are going to say, even if it's positive.

Starting point is 00:19:27 But not only that, too, if it didn't do well, the narrative I would speak about myself. See, no one likes you. They're over you. You're done. And so we have to look and say, oh, right, I'm not only just scared of being rejected. I'm scared of what the story I've told myself about being rejected is. Amazon presents Jeff versus Taco Truck Salsa, whether it's Verde, Roja, or the orange one. For Jeff, trying any salsa is like playing Russian roulette with a flame thrower. Luckily, Jeff saved with Amazon and stocked up on antacids, ginger tea, and milk. Habaniero, more like habanier, yes.

Starting point is 00:20:09 Save the everyday with Amazon. Okay, so here's a tool. It's called the self-validation first tool. So I want you to check in before every date or text or DM. One, do I like me right now? Two, am I trying to be impressive or present? And three, if they don't respond how I want, can I still choose to be on my own side? That's why I always will fucking tell you about this and consistently tell you guys,

Starting point is 00:20:34 be careful the text and you're sending all this and then you send the paragraphs and the soliloquies. And I'm like, and then what happens? You feel terrible after. It's like, think of future you. It's my favorite DBT, dialectical behavioral therapy. Dialectic, dialectical, whatever, DBT. It's my favorite fucking practice, one of them. But I love it because we start to challenge our thoughts.

Starting point is 00:20:51 Think of Future You. I used to do this. This changed the game for me. The amount of times I'd have this really nasty message, even my fucking management company right now that we're trying to get out, like, dealing with this house that is just a goddamn nightmare. I have never had somebody so unfucking professional. And I will write the emails and I'll stop.

Starting point is 00:21:08 And I'm like, whoa, my body temperature is physically warm. I'm like, I can feel this warm rush. I am not in my right brain. This doesn't make sense to fucking send right now. And I'll stop. And I'm like, see how you feel tomorrow? because I want to check in with myself. I want to understand, have I lost control of my own body?

Starting point is 00:21:24 Is this coming from a pure place of empowerment? Or am I just wanting to get the venom out or wanting to get the point or wanting to leave my anxiety? Or insert here, get validation, whatever, because I can't tell you. Oh my God. I remember the first time I ever got ghosted. Oh, God, the initial spiral about the rejection. I was 20. It was the first time.

Starting point is 00:21:44 And I think I've told you guys about this. And this guy was, I think, everything I had wanted to. and more. I thought like this was it. And I remember, like, he had even, his phone died. He had biked to my work. Like, we were supposed to hang out. It was like our, we had six weeks in. And something happened. I can't remember now. I was like, I was so young. I was 20. And I remember being at work and he just like comes in like a hot mess with his bike. And he's like, and I see the address of the salon I had worked on on his hand. And he brought a cupcake. And he was like, I owe this to you. He was like, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I am pulling away. I'm sorry that I'm

Starting point is 00:22:13 acting like this. He was like, I'm so fucking into you. And I'm just scared. And I remember just being like, okay, like, let's meet tonight and talk about it. And I remember he came over and he was like, I'm not moving. I want to be here. I want to pursue a relationship. I really care about you. And I was like, okay, fuck yeah. And like, I remember we were trying to hook up and like, he was a big boy, if you know what I mean. And I struggled. I was young. I didn't know what to do with that. And so the intimacy was getting there. And like, I was really like learning myself and getting more comfortable with myself. And I don't know where he ghosted me. Literally, I saw him that morning. And he said, okay, baby, I'll see tonight. I can't wait. Big kiss. That's what I mean by like, that's ghosting.

Starting point is 00:22:45 Not just like, well, they didn't answer me for a day. It's like, stop it. Stop it. Or like, we had one date and they never contacted me again. It's like, okay, yeah, you didn't know this person. Not somebody that you've been fucking dating for two months at this point that was coming to a party with you that night. Never to be heard from again. And then when I saw him on the street, I went to be an explanation. Never got that explanation. I spiraled. I would go when I walked down the street, I was scared in New York because we lived in the same neighborhood. I was like, yo, manage your shit better. And I was scared that I was going to see him. I was nervous. Like, I remember once thinking I did, I was like having a heart. I was literally having heart palpitation. walking down New York. But really what it was was like, I was just terrified about what this meant about me. And I was fucking confused genuinely. I didn't understand it. And this is, I think, where I started to chip away my self-esteem of like, what's wrong with me? I don't know. I don't understand. But at the end of the day, I remember at the time thinking, like, I don't have to perform anymore. I was trying so hard to be cool for him. I was trying so hard to be the girl that he wanted and like not text too much and not asked to hang out too much and play the game right. And it's like, and it still didn't fucking work. It's still. still didn't pan out. But like, at the end of the day, like, to this day, I have always wondered. I wonder where the fuck this guy is. But to this day, I have just questioned, like, I don't know what happened, but you know what? I don't need to wonder anymore because that person, it couldn't even fucking have a conversation with me, couldn't even just send me a text message. Hey, I'm not going to come tonight. I'm actually not feeling this and I'm sorry. I wish you all the bet. Something.

Starting point is 00:24:04 Something to let me go. I don't need to make that about me. Because external validation, realistically, it's a moving fucking target and you're never going to feel full. That's a reality. because even when they do choose you, if you haven't validated yourself, you won't trust it. You'll keep looking for the proof. You're going to keep needing the reassurance. You'll never feel secure, even in the good relationships. You guys write in all the fucking time. I don't understand. Like, I'm now in the relationship and I'm still anxious. I don't trust this person. I don't trust this person. I don't trust this person. No, baby. That's the reality. So the neuroscience component of it's not about just because it's not about just the courtship phase. What do you think is going to happen when you're in the relationship? All of a sudden, you're just going to start trusting this person out of nowhere because kumbaya, no, baby. That's the reality. So the neuroscience component of is the defense. fault mode network, as we've talked about. It'll keep spinning those old narratives of unworthiness unless you interrupt it with conscious self-reinforcement. So how do you actually fucking do that? Because I do that all the goddamn time. It's easy to fall into that trap. It took me a while with Ryan. The amount of times, this has been like the first probably five-month stretch. We have never felt

Starting point is 00:25:02 closer because I had stopped having one foot out. So did he. We neither one of us were trusting each other for a while, constantly being like, you're going to hurt me again. You're going to do it again. You're going to fall back into your old patterns. No, not anymore. We finally really really let go of that of like if it ends, it ends and if it doesn't, I'm fucking here, but I need to say what I need to say. So there's a tool called the reverse the question practice. So instead of do they like me, I need you to ask, do I like how I feel when I'm around them? Do I feel seen or just approved of? And am I abandoning myself to stay attractive? Am I trying so hard to become something that I'm not? Because what that does is it switches you from approval seeking to

Starting point is 00:25:36 discernment. Then you can start to say, no, I get to make choices for myself. I actually get to decide if this works for me, not do they choose me? How many times I've said that to you guys have like, do you choose yourself and you all will say, I don't know how to? Well, here we go. Again, why Britt Frank and I created the self-love course. If you need help with this shit, baby, we got more resources for you or therapy, talk to a coach, whatever you fucking need. But do something. Because now we got to talk about how do you find your person from worth, not from your wounds? I know. It's tough. But sometimes, usually, more often than not, they're going to come in a different package than what you might expect. And what really makes this thing is self-validation is

Starting point is 00:26:10 essentially at what makes you emotionally available. So many people say, I want a secure it. I want emotionally available partner. But if you're still relying on that external affirmation, you won't feel safe when that person shows up because you're not going to understand it. The reality is if you don't validate yourself, secure love will feel boring or even terrifying because it doesn't give you those constant highs and lows that your nervous system has learned to equate with your worth. We did this episode on Valentine's Day of like, why is it so hard to receive healthy love? And that kind of leads us into the question of like, why do I sabotage? when someone likes me back and it's like you're trying to protect yourself your nervous system is used to

Starting point is 00:26:45 earning not receiving so when you don't have the chase when you have love that's not within that realm it feels unsafe until you learn to validate yourself i remember i had to do that i'll never forget sitting on the couch on ryan's chest going why do i feel disregulated and it hit me i was like oh my god this is safety this is the first time you've ever felt safe with somebody holy fuck and i remember i had to tell myself it's okay you're allowed to feel this i had to work on my now i'm doing that with money of like sap, it's okay, you're allowed to receive this. You're allowed to be worthy of something. You're allowed to take up space and say, yeah, you could spend money on me. I'm worth that. Not the messaging that my father made all my life, which was, you're not worth it. You have to fight. It doesn't go away. It just manifests

Starting point is 00:27:23 in a different way. But let's talk about some tools. So I want you to use a self-love visualization. Imagine a partner who texts you back with an appropriate time that makes plans consistently, that respects your boundaries. Now I want you to ask yourself, what part of that makes me uncomfortable. Where do I still equate love with effort instead of ease? Because even me asking those questions, oh man, I've had some really amazing guys that show up, some really healthy, secure partners. I mean, Ryan, I almost fucking pushed him away because I was like, but then when I really started to heal, like, and this was years ago, not as much. I mean, Ryan was the obvious, like, that I really pushed through it. But I have ended relationships with guys where I've said, like,

Starting point is 00:27:59 you're so fantastic. And I've had it with me. This one guy I was dating. And you said, like, I think you're really amazing, but I'm not feeling the emotions that I want to feel. at this time after how many dates that we've had, and it's like, Homeboy's still single. It has been four and a half years, and he has gone from partner to partner to partner because he's seeking something that doesn't exist. And I stopped trying to seek that validation myself. I was just like, okay, thank you for letting me know. I'm allowed to cry. That's the thing. You're allowed to be sad. It doesn't mean that you have to be happy. It's like my client yesterday asked me and she was like, I feel lonely, but I also still love my life. And I was like, yeah, that you're allowed to

Starting point is 00:28:30 be a human. You're allowed to be sad and bummed and say that I haven't met somebody and also say, but I still love my life. It's not like I don't. You don't have to have one or the other. And so that comes into this validating of like, yeah, that is really shitty. That feels like a bummer. And so now we need the validation detox. We have to rewire your focus to attract that real love. You don't just stop needing validation and that's a harsh reality. You replace it with internal anchoring and self-check-ins. And so here's a tool that I want you guys to try. It's a three-part validation detox. So one is the digital. I need you to take a 24-hour break from story-watching, from response checking or refreshing your text, 24 fucking hours.

Starting point is 00:29:08 Give me one day. Second, do something physical. Do something that makes you proud without telling anybody. Anything. I don't care if that means going for a walk. Not checking the text, something. And then emotional. After every interaction, I want you to ask,

Starting point is 00:29:20 did I feel like I had to earn that moment or did I just get to be? That's how I decide who my friends are going to be. Because I stop and I say, did I feel authentic with this person? Did I feel like all of my parts could be themselves? Do I feel like I have to perform for this person? and I check in with my body. Some people I'm like, wow, yeah, I'm really performative. I feel like I have to get them to like me.

Starting point is 00:29:39 This feels really overwhelming. I really don't like this feeling. And that's okay, that doesn't mean they did anything wrong. I don't need to villainize them. I could just say, okay, Zohart, we need to check in with you. Because the reality is you don't need to be perfect. You don't need to be the most fucking interesting person in the room. And I know that people will lie to you and say that about dating apps of like you have to take up so much space to get seen.

Starting point is 00:29:56 No, you just need to be with someone who chooses yourself before anyone else fucking does. Again, do you think I'd have this fucking career in? If I was waiting for everyone else to tell me that it's okay for me to say what I have to say, I wouldn't have my relationship if I didn't show up like this and be the loudmouth fucking cursing New Yorker that was not afraid. I'm unapologetically myself because I am afraid. I'm terrified of rejection. But I also know that I'm terrified even more of abandoning myself because the more you validate yourself, the less you're going to fucking chase those people who breadcrum you.

Starting point is 00:30:26 The easier it is to walk away from misalignment and the more likely you are to actually attract someone who sees you clearly for who you are because you've stopped fucking hiding yourself. Allow and let love to fucking find you, not the version of you that you have designed to win approval. I know babies. And if you guys need more help, you know that there is the nervous system course so you stop chasing validation on autopilot. You can also download the free guides. There's some free guides that are all about how to go slow in dating and how to regulate your nervous system. And if you're ready to attract connection from wholeness, not fear, then the foundation course will be there to step by step and walk you through at all. Or, you know what? Just be with each other. Comment in the community. Talk to a friend. Expand

Starting point is 00:31:09 your window of tolerance. Do things that scare you. I get it. I equally have the anxiety and I get scared every day. But I also know that this is my time and this is my moment to grow. And if I'm constantly waiting for others, I'm never going to show up for myself because if I don't stand for something, I fucking fall for everything. I love you guys. Thank you for another amazing week. Thank you for listening to me rant and thank you guys for just being you. I get it. I might not be for everybody and I totally get that and that's valid. For everyone that's here, fuck yeah. And if you go, that's okay. I am learning myself to let people go. I know it's not easy, but sometimes it is the bigger person thing to do is just to fucking walk away. So I love you guys. Until next time.

The Sabrina Zohar Show - 145: How to let go of seeking external validation and actually find your person

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