The Sabrina Zohar Show - 158: The Truth About the Slow Burn of Dating

Episode Date: August 29, 2025

Are they genuinely taking things slow or just stringing you along? In this episode, Sabrina Zohar breaks down how to tell the difference between healthy pacing and someone wasting your time. You’ll learn why consistency matters, what science says about early relationship timelines, and the red flags of stagnation. Sabrina also shares personal stories, practical scripts for communicating boundaries, and tools to stop overanalyzing and start trusting yourself. If you’re tired of the "go with the flow" trap, this video gives you clarity and confidence in dating.Stuck After the Podcast? Master Implementation in 8 Weeks with Sabrina's Foundation Course HERE! Enrollment for The Self Love Course, The Nervous System Course, and The Break Up Course is now closed. For your continued education and growth, please explore The Foundation Course, which is currently available.Get Ad free HERE!Want to work with Sabrina? HERE!Get merch for The Sabrina Zohar Show HERE!Don't forget to follow Sabrina and The Sabrina Zohar Show on Instagram and Sabrina on TikTok! Video now available on YOUTUBE! Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formerly known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A.Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar Show. My name is Sabrina Zohar, and I am your host. Welcome back to Friday Babies. Today, special episode, another solo, my favorites. We're going to talk about, are you going slow? What does it actually look like? Or is this person just not interested in wasting your fucking time?

I wanted to expand a little bit more, talk about some more personal stuff, and really give you guys the tools that you need because we have a lot of stuff and content on there about what going slow looks like, but let's start to really differentiate between the two because it's probably a lot simpler than you might think. And guys, this is the last call. Last call for the next couple of days. When if you listen to this beyond it, unfortunately, the shot has been missed. But this is the last call to get the nervous system, the breakup or the self-love course. Once you join, you have lifetime access, you get the free group coaching every single month. All of that is yours for life. But you won't be able to join beyond August 31st, 2025. That is the last day. We have new things coming out starting next month and beyond.

I'm so excited because in September we have the fall in love. It's a special that we're doing. so you get coaching with me in the foundation course. I'm fucking amped. Everything can be found on the website at Sabrinazohar.com. But I just want to give a last call because it's time for new things, babe. So we're moving on up and I'm excited. So as always, thank you guys for everything.

If you need anything, link in show notes. Please just don't forget, rate review the show, share it with a friend. And please, please just leave a comment, even if it's on YouTube or Spotify, it doesn't really matter. Even if it's a heart, it means the fucking world. Because you guys allowing me to show up as me,

then that way I can help you show up as you and we get to create this community that means so much to me. So without further, Let's get right on into it, shall we? All right, babes, a million dollar question. Are they going slow? Are they wasting your fucking time?

And it's funny, I pulled all these studies and I wanted to get all this data. And as I was going through it, I started to kind of chuckle because I'm like, I don't really think I needed a lot of data to prove what it is that we already kind of know, but I think we over conflate. And I have your questions, right?

I've got the audience questions. We're going to answer everything and we're going to go over it all. And as always, if you guys don't follow Sabrina Zohar, the Sabrina Zohar show on Insta. I do question boxes, so you can add in your questions any times for the episodes.

So follow along. on the socials, but I'm excited to talk about this because I see a lot of people waste their fucking time. And I see a lot of people in the dating world. You know, I see the pendulum really swinging either. People are saying way too long, like way too long to where this person is very clearly not showing up with the ways that you need. They're not making progress. They're not growing and expanding. Or then we have it where it's like walk off with every little fucking thing, every minute little moment is just, that's it. I can't handle it. And so I kind of wanted to talk about a couple of different aspects today. So first, let's even jump in.

into some psychology and aspects here of going slow. And as I've always said, going slow is not an excuse for bad behavior. And here's the reality, too, what I'm talking about isn't just in dating. This is in relationships. This is in life. This is in marriage. This isn't work. This isn't different relationships in your life. Going slow is going to be really important for you because of what going slow and what it allows you to actually do. And so off the bat, going slow isn't an excuse for bad behavior. Going slow doesn't just mean that this person can like text you once a month or contacts you when it works for them or no, that's just then bullshit. That's not intentional behavior. That's somebody that's kicking the can, right? That's why I hate those. Like, let's go with the flow,

babe. It's like, where's the flow going? Like, where is it got? Where is the end game? Because I think a lot of people misunderstand that relationships are built from a healthy and solid foundation of showing up every single day, not just because two magical creatures came together and it just works. Right? That's like saying, oh, business is successful just because you're going viral. And it's like, no, there's work that's involved. There's things that happen behind the scenes that keep this a profitable business that most people don't see in the same relationships. And so what is it not, right? Going slow is not excuses. It's not that this person can do whatever the fuck they want. It's not that they don't offer clarity. Like, you can go slow while still having really

beautiful conversations of depth. I was live this morning and someone said, so wait, I have to wait three months before we can have the exclusivity conversation. And I was like, I don't remember who said that. I was like, what I'm saying is after three dates, no, you don't want to do that, right? When we expedite and we rush into it and we love bomb and we or we spend all our time together. Right now, what you're doing is you're expediting the stages of the relationship quicker than they need to be. Right? I'd love to know, like, show of hands, how many people here actually genuinely know someone that rushed into it that maybe got married after three months or all of that. That's like genuinely healthy and secure. I'm not saying that it can't

work, of course, like any relationship can fucking make it happen. But how many people that you know that we're like, oh yeah, we met and we spent every single day together? It's like, really, and these are two healthy, secure adults. These are two people that challenge their thoughts. These are two people that show up. These are two people that have autonomy, independence and interdependence. It's like, oftentimes I see it's like maybe one person might be either they're both really, really anxious or one person might be super manipulative, right? Like, I see it in different variables. I'm not saying it can't happen. But as a bet, if I were a bet and woman, would I tell you to go out and rush it and start spending all this time with somebody? No, I wouldn't. Oh, God,

I remember doing this. I remember being in my 20s, especially. I don't know why. Maybe it was just like apps were new in New York. And it was just like, I would meet a guy. And this is like, I think this is some of it was before Clem. So BC, before I had Clemmy and I had responsibilities. And some of it was after, right? I had one roommate when I was like 19 or 20 and she was a friend. So like we would tag team and stuff. And she wasn't a very good friend, but here we are. Anyways, I would meet a guy for again, heterosexual norms, fill in the blanks for whatever works, but I would meet a guy and I would just be like, okay, we want to spend every single day together. And we would spend the weekends together. We would go, we'd do stuff and it was like all this. And it was just this intensity.

And I, what would end up happening? A couple of different things. Either they completely ghosted or like You never heard from them after the intensity of the weekend. Like, I'm talking, you're having sex all the time. You're trying, you're going out. You're going to dinners. You're doing lunch. And it's like a lot of them was because, one, I was overstaying my welcome. I was just not leaving.

Or they'd be like, oh, you know, they would say something of like, they'd be, we'd go out on a date. Maybe they'd stay over or not. Like, it doesn't always necessarily meant that we hooked up. Maybe we just, like, slept in the same bed because we were out until three in the morning and you're not going to go home alone in New York. And then the next day would be like, oh, you want to go and get brunch. Oh, let's go by my house and pick up our stuff.

and then I'd go to them with their house, and then we'd end up doing stuff all weekend. And a lot of it was one, because I didn't stop. I wasn't like, hey, you know, this is moving a little fast to me. I don't know if this makes any sense for me. It was me just being like, oh, my God, cool. If I'm just always in their presence, they're not going to forget about me. And if they don't forget about me, then that means that we could be together. And it's like usually it didn't work because they would do that with multiple people

or they would all of a sudden tell me how busy they got right after. Or I would end up realizing, like, I wasn't that into them. You know, my ex, my ex, like, he was a lovely person, but we just rushed into it. It was just, oh, we were just together every day and spending all of our time together, but I didn't allow my nervous system to acclimate to, does this make me feel good? Do I enjoy this? Do I like this? Again, I just went into it, right?

Zero to 100 instead of like giving myself a minute. And I wasn't really actually seeing the forest for the trees. And so when we rush into things, it can go a few ways. Sure, it could work out. I don't know how healthy it'll be, but, you do you, baby. But really what it does is if we go slow, you allow your nervous system to acclimate slowly, you allow, like, I'll be honest. Here, I'll give you a personal fucking example.

And this is hard for me to admit, but I'll be honest. You know, when I first started my career, my growth was so quick that, like, I didn't even recognize it. All of a sudden, I'd post a video, they'd go viral. And I would post stuff and it would just do well. It would do well, do well. And what happened was it wasn't sustainable. It wasn't, so my nervous system wasn't having time to acclimate. My core beliefs are thinking one thing. My success is showing something very different. We're rushing in. The podcast is going from zero to 100. We're just growing, we're growing, we're growing. And it's, I'm grateful and it's beautiful and it's all these amazing things. But then what happened was like when the lights turned off, right? The name change happened. And all of a sudden, I lost all that growth and I lost. Now I'm, like a more of a normal playing field, if you will, of like, this is what the average creator has for growth. But my nervous system is like, but we had it. But where did it go? And so it's been this constant like, oh my God, we need to replicate that, right? Same as like when someone comes on really strong in a relationship and then fizzles and you're like, no, no, no, your dopamine receptors are like, I need more, I need more, I need more, because it's addicting. And then if it doesn't work out, you're, what happens, you're me, you lose yourself. And all of a sudden, you're like, but I had it at one point.

Whereas now, I wish more than anything, it had gone slower. I wish that I hadn't rushed into things that I hadn't just been propelled into this career, not because I don't love it. I love it more than anything. That's why I'm here, but because then if I hadn't maintained it, if it didn't continue and every single week we're growing 10,000 new people, which is fucking unheard of. Because when that does turn off, which inevitably, right, that intensity can't last forever, what was I left with a shell of myself? I was left with a version of me that was putting all of this emphasis on the quickness and the quickness and the growth and the steady and all that without really looking and saying, but how was I feeling? Was I able to acclimate? Okay, and all of these different aspects and

stages of this relationship I was building with my business were different than what me and Ryan did. There's a reason that I'm not married. You want to know, really? You want to know the real fucking reason Ryan and I are married is because I don't want to jump into something just for a year later to be like, Sabrina, why don't you think about this? Because I'm grateful we didn't get married a year ago because I didn't think we were ready and I still don't think we're ready. I'm not in any rush. I want to make sure that when we go and dine on that dotted line and I put a ring on this finger, that's because we 100% in the moment, right?

I don't know about the future believe that we're right for each other. And I right now, it's not that I don't believe that this is my person, right, but I'm not going to hold on to it because we have our shit, we have our issues, we have our stuff and we go really slow to make sure that we're both, like even now, if we have something personal that comes up, we don't make a ton of big changes for at least like a month because we want to make sure, hey, does this feel sustainable? right, Ryan is learning how to be more communicative with me, to be more present in the moments, to really show up differently. I'm learning how to give him more space alone, how to just navigate this aspect of the relationship, and we want to go slow because I want to make sure cool.

It's not just that you're great for a week, and then in a month, you're all of a sudden fucking going back to the same bullshit. That's why dating and relationships, going slow is super important. It's not about wasting your time. So again, if you're intentional with the way that you're dating, then you know, listen, I'd rather spend six months to make sure that this is right than three years later being like, I don't even know if I liked this person. I was just kind of rushing into it. So let's get my handy-dandy studies out, right? And some of you guys had asked some really good questions.

But so there was a study done at UCLA, and that shows they did an MRI scan that people in the early stages of romantic and love have increased activity in their caudette nucleus. I'm not fucking botched this shit. But that's the brain's reward center. And every time they think or see of this person, it lights up. And so that's why I'm like, you're allowed to be excited. You're allowed to be stoked. Like, you go on a date and you're like, man, I really liked that person.

That's fine. Yes, be excited because the studies actually show that people don't forget about people they're genuinely interested in. And they don't go days without not contacting these people. That's why we have to look and say, going slow doesn't just mean five, six, seven days go by and you just don't communicate with this person. That's not being intentional. Maybe a day, right? Okay, you just met this person one, two days maybe fine, okay, right? Because I can be a human. I can understand it. But that doesn't mean that we go from the big extremes, right? Oh, I spoke to them every single day. And then after three days, I barely hear from them. It's like, okay, that's a shift in behavior. And my point being as well is, like, it's not sustainable. When you meet somebody and you started 100, you can't sustain that where you're texting every single day and you're doing this and you're doing this. Because inevitably, the novelty wears off. They're not this new, unique creature every day. There's somebody that you're getting to know, but that's going to take time to build. And so it's the time like when you start everything at 100, and I remember even when I first moved to San Diego, there was a group of us, it was the girls. And we even started, I remember I was Masha who said it. And we were started, we were all hanging out every single day. We were texting nonstop. We were doing, and even Masha goes, man, I have a feeling we're rushing into this because we're all feeling really good about it. And we all chuckled and we're like, ha ha, none of us are friends. Well, some of us are friends. Me and Masha are friends. But the rest of the girls, we don't all hang out. One of them ended up kind of doing her own thing and like really kind of abandoning the group and just like never contacting us again and going to Tulum and shit. And we were like, good luck, Godspeed. The other girl, we ended up having issues in the group

and the friendship. And so now we've all just kind of like kept our own. And the reason I'm sharing this isn't because I'm like, want, wamp, didn't work out. It's because at first, we all really wanted it to. We all genuinely believed when we started the whole and the friendship and the intensity of it that we were all like, yeah, but we were just naive. We were all being really excited about the fact that, like, yay, I found them without vetting and going, do I feel safe with this person? Does my nervous system actually know this person enough to really, like, dive on in? Not really. Not really. Right? And we don't really need research to back up this, but I did some research of a behavioral economic show that people invest time and energy into the shit that they fucking value,

which is why I will continue to say there is nobody busier than someone that's not interested because we all have a job, we have a life, we all have a fucking responsibilities, but I make time for what matters to me and that includes friendships, relationships, romantic, personal, doesn't matter. So we need to stop excusing the behavior of like, oh, they're just so busy. Well, they're so busy and they can make plans with everybody else but you, well, then we need to see the elephant in the room. So here's some questions. Somebody had asked, he doesn't send me a good morning message anymore. Does he hate me? No, he doesn't fucking hate you, but what's happening is we're filling in the blanks.

And we're ending up looking at it because here's there's two conflicting thoughts. One, does he hate me? Well, that's not the right question. What I would be looking at is, is he being consistent? Is this being stable? Because if somebody was texting good morning every single morning and that's why I'm saying, it's a false sense of intimacy, it makes you feel so much more connected to these people than you actually are. Because then what happens?

When they don't, right, when there's a shift or you start to pick up on that, that's the hypervigilance. and if you come from a household, right? That's the difference between am I securely attached or not. It doesn't mean that that doesn't cause anxiety that I'm not still like, how what's going on, but I handle it differently. Instead of if I'm in my anxious brain, oh my God, there's something wrong with me and I make it about myself worth. If you're in the avoidant brain, you're like, whatever, space, I don't lose myself.

I have my autonomy. Or if you're someone who's a little bit more secure, you might be like, okay, you know what, I don't know what's going on, but I noticed a shift, so I'm going to talk to them about it. I'm not going to create a narrative and make this mean anything about me. I'm going to have a conversation. So if you're going slow and dating, that doesn't mean you still can't be like, hey, I noticed a shift. We used to text every single day and now it's been four days and I haven't heard from you. I wanted to check in with you and make sure, is there everything okay with you?

Right, you're not automatically being like, I did something wrong. Oh, I can't say anything. It's like, yo, if you can't just have a conversation with someone about their behavior, not being reciprocal, I don't know what relationship you're holding out for. I don't know what relationship you think you're going to have that makes you feel fulfilled and seen and heard if this person can't even just fucking talk to you about why they don't text you as much anymore. But that's what I mean by that reward system. It's like a slot machine. That text was that consistency every morning when you pulled the slot, you saw the numbers come up.

And then when it didn't, that's where we have to look and say, I'm not saying that maybe you're not right. Because a lot of people will come and say, well, you tell me this, but I was right. No, no, no, that could be a self-fulfilling prophecy. You very well may have been right that their change in behavior meant something. But that's also because you were putting importance

on the low effort bullshit to begin with, like, texting and you weren't really looking and making sure that this is consistent or making sure that your nervous system feels right. And some of you guys ask on my lives all the time of like, how do I tell somebody that I want to slow it down? Like, it's just feeling really overwhelming. Somebody asks, but I don't want to hurt their feelings. You're not responsible for how someone receives something.

You can be responsible for how you say it, right? Hey, I just want to make sure that you understand or I want to make sure that I articulate this clearly. I like you. I think you're really great, but I just want to be honest that the pace is a little fast for me. Here's what I need from you. Does that work? Right. I don't need to text every single day because it's not how I connect with someone.

I'd love to have plans, though, so that I know you and I are going to see each other. If that other person comes back with some bullshit or, well, but then that means you just don't like me or you're trying to, you give me excuse a da-da-da, that's when you can say, like, again, I'm just trying to be honest and open with you. We need to see, do these people receive your boundaries as well? Someone else said, how can I pace dating properly without missing red flags or having them lose interest? Well, to me, the question is revealing the bigger issue here. You're trying to manage their interest level in you through your behavior by saying,

how can I act and do this and make sure they don't leave me? That's a childhood belief. That because growing up, you had the perception, right? For me, my dad was always in and out. if I could figure out what would cause him to be in and out, then I could figure out that my behavior could control that he wouldn't leave. Well, but that was never going to happen. Was it ever my responsibility to do that? No. So how was that my responsibility in my adult life? If someone is neurochemically into you and invested, then you changing the pace, you telling them, hey, this is a little

fast for me. That's not going to send them running. And if it does, well, then great, bitch, they were never here for you. They were here for what it meant about them and what it did for them. So that's what I mean also that we have to start to look at things a little bit differently. The ride that steals the spotlight every time it hits the road, that's the Volkswagen Tiguan. Its sleek exterior makes a first impression you can't ignore. Step inside to find available full leather seats and wood accents. Under the hood, the available 201 turbocharged horsepower engine gives it a fun to drive edge.

The refined Tiguan, you deserve more style. Visit vw.ca to learn more. SUV, German engineered for all. One day, you're negotiating with suppliers. The next, you're installing a shelf in the back room. Running a business means moving in many directions all the time. TD's new small business banking accounts are built for how your business moves. It's how we're making banking more human.

So let's start to look even at some timelines, because I get it, you guys want some hard, fast rules. There aren't any, by this date. The reason people do the three-month rule isn't because at three-month something magical happens. It's because, so Helen Fisher, she's an anthropologist, and they did brain scans of people that in love, and it shows that the early attraction typically peaks, that neurochemical, around 12 to 18 months. But the decision-making process happens quicker. And so studies show that people typically know in the first 90 days whether they want to pursue something seriously or not. So that's why it's the three-month rule. It's not because in three

months something, by three months, that person typically speaking knows if they want to pursue it or not. That doesn't mean that after three months you have to be super serious and move in together. But after three months, that person can at the very least know, I don't want to date other people. I want to focus on you. Maybe that means in a month after that, you guys decide, okay, I'm ready for that next step. But by the three month mark, you guys should at the very least know if you want to just date each other. Just even cutting other people out. Because at the end of the day, healthy relationships progress. And that's what we need to look at is if you're sitting here being like, we've been four months and they don't want to commit to me and they say they're scared of commitment, it's like, then what do you think is going to change?

You are not going to get them to change. You trying to show up differently isn't going to get the outcome to be different. It's just going to keep you stuck in your own shit and that's performative. And then you're not actually showing up intentionally. And I think a lot of people here don't want to have these talks, but within six to eight weeks of consistently dating, that's when you can have and start to have these talks because that's typically speaking when we see, right, behind that three months, right? When we start getting beyond the three months, that really shows that that person is just trying to keep their options open. It's rare, right?

me and Ryan, we stopped dating other people after the two-month mark, like month-and-half, two-month mark. But I didn't become his girlfriend and told him it's a four-month mark. But that was because I had a very clear rubric of like, I like you, but here's what I need from you. And he knew it. I was like, I'm not going to get into a relationship if I haven't seen a vulnerable side to you. I'm not going into relationship. That is okay. But you notice how we were going slow and I still talked consistently about what it is that I wanted and needed.

So someone has two months, five dates, consistent text, and not all day. I don't know what that means, but love it all, but he's not asking about future plans. Okay, so that's what I mean by we have to start to look and say, is this person intentional about having a future with you? Because if five dates in two months, it's a little slow, right? In two months, especially if we're talking eight weeks, I'd love it to inch maybe closer to eight, nine, ten dates, but, you know, at least once or twice a week. But fine, I won't even say five dates in two months, not the end of the world, reasonable. But it's the no future conversations that worry me because he's still in evaluation mode, not building mode. And Richard shows people start making the future plans within that 40. a six-week kind of timeline when they're serious about somebody. So after the six, seven weeks is when you start to realize like, hey, I'd love you to meet my friends. Or yeah, I could start to see you. It's not future faking. We're not being like, oh, I could see you as like the mother of my child and how many kids do you want, not like that type of stuff? Or like, we'd look great in the south

of France. You're like, yeah, yeah, all right. But by that six-week mark, you can start to understand and say, listen, are we interested in each other or not. Again, people are different. I'm going to say we could even push it. I'm just showing the typical research what it shows, but that doesn't mean that other people can't be different. Where we start to see the wheels come off the fucking wagon is when we start to look at it being like five, six months in this person. It's like, come on, don't bullshit me and waste my fucking time. Especially they're like, oh, they just got out of a relationship.

Then stop dating people that aren't ready to be intentional and date the way you want. Going slow again isn't an excuse for bad fucking behavior. Okay, let's talk about some specific things. So what I really want us to start to focus on is behavior that tells that this person is invested in you. I want us to look at that they mention their friends. They mention their family. They mention social plans. They're not hiding things from you about what they're doing.

They have no problem making consistent plans with you. This person has no issue. If you go and bring something to them and they say, well, thank you so much for sharing that. I appreciate it. If you bring a need this person, they're saying, great, can we talk about it? When you're with someone who's growth-minded, who is legitimately interested in a relationship, then you coming and saying something isn't, oh, my God, here you go, being too much. This person takes accountability.

They have empathy and an understanding of what it is that you want to need. They're not projecting onto you what everybody else is. has done to them. And what we look at, too, is like neuroscience actually shows that when someone's brain is chemically invested in you, their behavior becomes super fucking consistent. Their effort and their communication match. They are emotionally available. They're not going to fluctuate with one minute they're this and the next minute they're that. Oh my God, I'm watching perfect match right now. Clayton is the perfect example of like that would be fucking maddening. One night it and he uses all these platitudes. He's on The Bachelor, so doesn't surprise me. Everything is very therapy talk and that's

also the other thing. I want to go. A big fucking red flag is when you start dating someone and everything is so perfectly therapist. And he kept saying, you know, my intuition and my gut are just telling me that we're meant to be and we're the right thing. And I'm telling the universe has a line and brought us here together next motherfucking day. He's telling this girl, I can't go against my gut reaction. I need to be authentic and true to myself. This doesn't feel real and right. I need to be. And it's like they use the bait, the clicky words without really understanding the platitudes and what they're actually fucking meaning. I see that shit all the time in early dating.

It's what I want to do, words, actions align. When they say, I'm really intentional the way they date. My question is, what does that mean? What does that actually look like? What does intentionality and dating mean to you? Does that mean that you don't say yes when you want to say no? Cool. Is that mean that you're going slow because you want to really assess

and make sure that this is the right connection for you, so then you know what are you looking for in a connection? You see what I mean. When you want to get curious and ask questions about a person, you can fucking get curious and ask questions about them. Then that way you could start to see if this person's here for the right fucking reasons and they're here for you because you being honest, somebody that's super stoked on you isn't going to run the fuck away. If they don't have the bandwidth and the fucking chops to show up

and to begin with, that's what you're going to see the problem. So you guys had asked how to make sure I'm going slow without losing momentum in the early stent stages of dating. And again, so what you're assuming is that you can control their behavior by how you pace things. But what I've said earlier is that research shows that genuine interest is internally generated, not externally managed. So what that means is that you need to focus on maintaining your fucking standards, not managing their feelings and emotions, because it is not an external job.

I cannot control how you feel about things. I can't control that my pace is going to work for you or not, but you know what I can do? I can stay true to my fucking self. I can stay true to me and what I need, so that way I can make sure that this relationship is at least fulfilling for me and the other partner in person can make sure that it's fulfilling for them. If your pace doesn't work for somebody,

then you two can be adults and talk about it. That's it. But if you're telling me that they're going to lose interest, it's like, well, then they were looking for a feeling and they're chasing something that's not real. So thank you for letting them show you who they really are. Love that. Okay. Someone said, taking too long to ask us out too relaxed after agreeing and not making concrete plans. Okay.

So studies actually show that when people are neurochemically invested, they experience what researchers call an action urgency. So they want to see you and they're going to make concrete plans. So when someone is vague, then that's showing is that they're lukewarm about their interests. I don't think we need studies to show that. I think we know effort equals fucking interest. Someone that's into you is going to make the time. So we need to stop making excuses for that because here's the other reality. People that care about you, people that are invested in you are also going to care about how they impact you.

People that are actually trying to grow something with you are going to, it's going to matter to them that they don't call you enough, which makes you feel disconnected from them so that they're going to ask you, cool, how can I show up for you in different ways that you need? When people care about you, they care about their impact on you. Okay. Let's talk about why do people do this, right? Why do people keep you guessing and waiting and things like that? So we have something called the options theory. Eh, right? We know this.

That's why dating apps can be so difficult. For a lot of people, when they're keeping who has an option, not a choice, they're not really confused. They know. They just don't want, they're not in a place to commit to you, whatever the reason is. And it could be something that might be there of them being unhealthy, right? Again, we see it on pop culture and TV all the time. These people that are just going from person to person to person because it's not about

the other people. It's about what it is that they're seeking, that they feel is missing. And so when somebody is consistently keeping me as an option and other choice, then you need to decide if that's all you're fucking worthy and deserving of. Because what you allow is what's going to persist. And what you allow is how people are going to continue to show up for you. So start taking stock of your life and start seeing what you're allowing in it. We also have something called the validation collection. So psychological studies reveal that some people collect validation from multiple sources without committing to any single source. So that's what I'm saying is like you're not actually their potential partner.

You're just a validation fucking machine. You're a vendor for their outsourcing. And that's where we have to also look and say, what are their patterns? When you date, like, I've dated those people that you show up and they're like, oh, I can never seem to connect and all this. And you're like, oh, my God, we romanticize it. And you're like, wait a minute. If I actually zoom out, it's like, no, you're the fucking problem.

You're the reason that you can't connect. And you're the reason, because you don't allow yourself to get deeper because that's scary. You're going to lose your independence, whatever the fuck it is. I'm not here to validate and make you feel good about yourself. I'm also here to grow and build a relationship. So I think the biggest thing here, and what I really start to see is when we're going slow, what I see with a lot of you guys is that you don't fucking trust yourself, that we're going slow and you're going sure because you're like, oh, I don't know. But here's a thing.

If somebody, if somebody is going slow and they're not even making plans with you that are even fucking within the next two weeks, right? if they are not escalating, if it's just that you see the same thing, if you zoom out and it's been four, five, six months, and this person is no further along than where you started, then what I need to ask you is, what do you think is going to change? Do you think one day that this person is just going to wake up and be like, oh my God, this is it? And so what I see a lot is a lock of self-trust. I see that a lot of you guys don't necessarily trust yourself to assess, is this right for me or not. So I want you to stop and ask yourself, if I were a secure person, if I were somebody that wasn't worried about being abandoned and lost, would this still work for me? And if your answer is no,

even if I didn't have any of my abandonment shit, this person's gone six days without contacting me, that's not okay? Great, then I'm fucking with you. You're 100% right. Let's start to demand what it is that we deserve. But if we can remove ourselves and you say, oh, yeah, I don't really know this person, right? Pull out a list. I'm not kidding. Make it a fucking pros and cons list of like, how long have I known this person? Two weeks. What do I know to be true? They said all of these things. Okay, do I faxed back it up or is this just what they've told me? What's in my control? What's in my control is the pacing. What's in my control is communicating with them.

What's in my control is being honest, upfront and vulnerable with them. What's in my control is how I show up. What's not is how they show up, what they are willing to say, how they react to me, how they're going to perceive me. I can't control that. So what I would say is be fucking real. When you're going out and dating and you want to go slow and you're trying to assess, are you going slow or wasting my fucking time, have a conversation with this person. If you can't pick up the phone, pick up the phone.

Don't fucking text this person. Text has no tone. and you are not able to actually see this person. So if you're going to say, hey, I notice the shift in our behavior. Am I picking up on that correctly? Have a conversation with them about it. Or text them, hey, I'd love to pick your brain later. Are you free?

Can I call you? And then that way, you're saying, hey, are you receptive? I want to share something with you. Yeah, what's up? I felt like when we first started dating, you were super consistent. You were texting. You were calling. You were really showing up for me.

And then now I don't feel like that's being reciprocated. And I wanted to get curious with you and say what you're feeling. If you're scared about that, then we need to look at the emotional availability we're dating with. And that's okay, baby. I come with a lot of love. Someone wasting your time isn't going to have those conversations with you. They're going to gaslight you or be like, I hear you are being sensitive again. You're always trying to fucking rush things.

God, you can't just let it be and go with the flow. No, I can't actually because my life matters. And I'm very intentional with the way that I date because I know a lot of us were scared of, oh, but see, they left. See? Well, then you're a self-fulfilling prophecy because you're going with people, similar to your caregivers who couldn't show up for me from the beginning. So, of course, you having a need and stepping up is going to make you feel like you're too much

because when you've been watering yourself down, who the fuck do you think benefits from it? Because there is studies that show if you go beyond that three months and no one talks about it, that's because that person that's not saying anything is benefiting from the fact that you're not setting boundaries.

That person's benefiting from the fact that this is ambiguous, and that person's benefiting from the fact that they don't have to fucking commit because they get to have their cake and eat it too. And you get to decide if that fucking works for you anymore or not. And one thing I want to leave you off on

is that when somebody specifically avoids social integration, right? They are very specifically avoiding coming out with you and your friends. when somebody doesn't want to delete the dating apps, right? They're still, and this is a difference. Let me clarify. Somebody wrote and asked,

the person I'm dating out on our third date still has the apps, should I be worried? You don't fucking know this person after three dates, so we don't need to be deleting apps. But again, if you're six to eight to ten weeks and you're like, hey, we've been seeing each other consistently, we're fucking each other, we're going out, right? Are we meeting friends and family

or at least talking about it? Are we talking about, hey, I'd like to delete the apps, how do you feel about that? Are they not making even fucking medium plans? Are they deflecting relationship conversations? Those people are wasting your time. And if you leave feeling even more confused than when you walked in, you have your fucking answer because that person is intentionally deflecting or creating ambiguity because they

don't want to have to potentially either lose you or step up to be the person that you want them to be. And that's what we need to be really honest yourself. So we need to be honest because you are allowed to be excited about somebody, but it's also about taking stock, right? Like when I get too excited, I stop and go, whoa, okay, what's the reality of the situation? Is this actually something that I think is going to happen? And if not, that's okay too, but maybe I could just get curious about the part of me that got really, really excited.

And I have to be honest with you guys, longitudinal studies show that people in relationships showed that they had escalation patterns in the first 90 days. And relationships that stagnated beyond the 90 days, though three months have less than a 15% chance of progressing to a serious commitment. I want you to let that fucking sink in. I'm not saying it can't happen, but I'm saying according to the studies is if you go beyond that three months and this person and you still haven't had any conversations, there's a 15% chance that that's going to escalate into anything more. You get to decide if that's something you want to bet on. You get to decide if you're just going to keep kicking the can because you're scared of taking up space because now is your chance to.

These aren't your parents. You get to step up and tell people what it is that you want and see if it aligns. So guys, I hope this was helpful. I really want to make sure if there's more questions you have on this, please submit them. I'm doing my best to answer what it is that you guys need and help with. And as always, if you need more, we've got the courses. We're going to create a go slow course. So don't worry, that's what's coming soon too.

But please don't forget, rate review the show. Please, please. If you guys want to add free, it's an option. And if not, don't worry about that. As long as you please support our sponsors, that's how we can keep the show free. But if you want to work one-on-one, ask a question, dating profile, audits, whatever you guys need. And all I ask is, please, please, don't forget to have auto downloads turned on. Even if an episode, if you're like, eh, that doesn't pertain to me, press mark is finished.

Leave a heart, leave a comment, leave a review, anything. Share it with a friend, put it in a Facebook group. That's literally all I ask. I'm never going to have you guys assume my needs without me being clear and open about it. And I'm coming and I'm asking for the help. And like I said, if you guys need anything, we have courses, you can work one-on-one, whatever you guys need. Everything's at SabrinazoHare.com. And I'm just grateful for you guys.

Thank you, as always, for showing up as you and allowing me to show up as me. I love you, babies.