The Sabrina Zohar Show - 161: Why You Overthink Love and Assume the Worst

Episode Date: September 12, 2025

Why do you spiral when a text takes too long, when someone says “okay” instead of “okay!” or when plans change? That’s your brain writing rejection stories to protect you. The problem? Those stories create anxiety, sabotage connection, and keep you stuck.In the 2nd episode of the Self Esteem Series, Sabrina Zohar explains the 3 biggest story patterns: rejection, mind reading, and timelines. She also breaks down why your nervous system jumps to the worst-case scenario. You’ll learn the neuroscience behind why wrong stories feel so real, how confirmation bias fuels your fears, and simple tools to separate fact from fiction.Stuck After the Podcast? Master Implementation in 8 Weeks with Sabrina's Foundation Course HERE! Enrollment for The Self Love Course, The Nervous System Course, and The Break Up Course is now closed. For your continued education and growth, please explore The Foundation Course, which is currently available.$300 off your first Prenuvo scan at https://prenuvo.com/?discount=SABRINAGet Ad free HERE!Want to work with Sabrina? HERE!Get merch for The Sabrina Zohar Show HERE!Don't forget to follow Sabrina and The Sabrina Zohar Show on Instagram and Sabrina on TikTok! Video now available on YOUTUBE! Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formerly known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A.Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar Show. My name is Sabrina Zohar, and I am your host. Welcome back, Babs, part two of the series. We are here, and I'm super stoked. We are going to talk today about the stories you create because I talk about this all the time of like, are we challenging our thoughts?

Are we thinking about the narratives? What is the story that we're creating? So let's talk about it and flesh it out and give you tools and whatever you guys need. I'm so freaking excited. And as always, guys, thank you so much for being here. Thank you for leaving the ratings or reviews, leaving comments, subscribing, following along. Like, it literally means the world. So if you haven't done that already, please do. And if you have,

thank you. Thank you for being here. Thank you for showing up as you and allowing me to show up as me, because that's a lot of freedom in that type of power. So, without further ado, let's get right on into it, shall we? Hey, babes. Good to see you. Happy Friday. I'm excited. Part D of this. Now it's a five-part series, by the way. I know on last week, I was like, it's a four-part. It's five. Because you Girl has too much to talk about. So I had to break it up because I don't shut the fuck up. But I'm super excited. And guys, as always, some quick housekeeping before we get into the episode.

I'm trying my best to, like, get right into the meat and potatoes and so that we can keep our attention span as an ADHD girly. I understand it. But there is some housekeeping. We have the foundation course. If you guys want more, we have some new stuff coming, but that's available. And it includes free group coaching. You can work one-on-one, ask a question, free guide in the link in bio, get a profile

audit, whatever you need. Please know it's also brittnessaher.com. and I would love to support you guys in any way. So let me know. And leave comments, let me know, share it with a friend, put it in your Facebook group. That's the only way we will grow this show. So last week we talked about core beliefs. And I think it's really important because those core beliefs, baby, they are what

create the stories that you believe in. And so an example of that would be like, you know, the person said sound good instead of, sounds great. So I spent 45 minutes analyzing their enthusiasm level and decided he was done with me and having second thoughts. And you want to know where that story came from? Oh, I don't know, not like human experience or anything. I wanted to talk about the stories that we create, and next week we're going to go into, like, Black, I'm

thinking, catastrophizing, ruminating, spiraling, all of that. Like, we're breaking it down, and then week four will be protest behavior, and then the final week will be like, how do you rewire these patterns? And I wanted to be intentional about the work that we do. And for anybody that comes every single week, fucking thank you. Thank you for showing up. Thank you for being here. And if you spot check, that's cool, too. Thanks for listening, even if it's your first time, your last time, or anywhere in between. I'm grateful to have you. And I think creating those stories and narratives, I was the queen of taking any small situation and turning it until like a 17 series Netflix special. I always thought, no, no, no, if it's this, then it's this. And frankly speaking, that's why I

started my podcast in this career was because I was listening to that content. As you guys know, I was ingesting a lot of it and sitting there feeling so empty and being like, I just don't understand. And now I know I catch myself. I catch myself making stories. You know, I used to be really big like my mama was too. And let me know if this is. sounds familiar. We're like, someone cuts you off and you're like, fucking asshole. Like, that's it. We just automatically created this entire story about this person because of something that they did that may have inconvenienced us or, right. Or somebody doesn't answer you and you're like, they're such a piece of shit. They're using me. And you come up with this whole narrative. And then all of a sudden,

they call you and everything's fine. And we like almost forget what just happened. But there is actually a scientific reason for that. So we're going to go over the neuroscience and the psychology of that. And then at the end of always, we're going to give you tools, tips, tricks. And we're going to answer some of your questions along the way. So stick around through the end. And if you don't, that's okay. Just mark this as finished. Your girl is trying to do what you can to get her downloads up, my babes. And that's just part of this process. So welcome to owning a small business. Okay, let's talk about why humans create stories. So stories actually keep us safe. There is a meaning making in survival. So humans evolved to create narratives to make sense of incomplete information. They have to fill in the blanks. Because think about

if a cave person heard like a bush outside, they would create the story like a tiger wants to eat me. it's safer than like, oh, it's probably just wind. And the problem is now when we're in modern dating, incomplete information is the same story minus the making brain equals emotional chaos. And so what you're doing is your brain is creating these narratives because having a story that's wrong is better than having no story at all. And so that is why we go right into the nearest, right, of this person doesn't call you back for 10 minutes and you're like, that's it, they don't like me anymore. Because at a fundamental level, right, so you're not a, you're not in hunter-gatherer days. You're not wondering if there's tigers outside of your house, but your cell phone and all of these different variables have become

the new tiger. And so, you know, if you guys know, if you've been around the block with me with the nervous system and everything, it can cause a lot of dysregulation. And your brain and your body are going to do everything it can to keep you safe. That's what we mean when we say your brain is not designed to help you grow. It's designed to keep you safe. It's not there to, your brain doesn't know like, oh, she has credit card, she's fine, or he has this or they have that. No, your brain is like, he's somewhere along the way when we acted like this, we lost people. And so it's going to create that because think about learning from experience, right? Now, I was talking about that with, I was getting bodywork done today. And we were talking about learning from experience and me saying like, man, I made a lot of

these stupid things. And I'm going to say mistakes. I made a lot of these stupid choices in my early 20s. I was like, I'm so grateful because I learned now on a primal level, like that's great, right? I'm learning. I'm evolving. I am understanding what's coming up for me. I'm figuring the stuff out. But the problem is when I haven't really processed it, when you're not healed and you're just going back on the same shit that you used to go through all the time in your childhood, it's maladaptive. It's no longer keeping you safe. And that's what we mean by self-sabotage is really self-protection. You're not doing these things to hurt yourself. You're not intentionally trying to fuck yourself over. Your body thinks it's protecting itself. So we do need to reframe that a little bit. Now let's talk about the speed of story creation. So here's the research. Humans make judgments within 100 milliseconds. of seeing someone's face real fucking quick. That's why your brain creates stories faster than you can consciously process the information, right? That hypervigilance, you see someone's face change slightly.

Your brain instantly goes like, oh my God, they're annoyed with me. Before you even know what you're reacting to. Then by the time you even fucking analyze the story, it's already written. And that I think is the detrimental part of how quickly this happens. And we're going to have Chris, my neuroscientist bestie. He's coming on in a month or so.

And he did a video recently, Dr. Chris Lee go follow him. I fucking love him. And he was saying how our brain goes to the amygdala 5 to 10 times faster than it goes to your prefrontal cortex, which is why we go to fear quicker than we go to common sense. And a reason also too, like I like to explain a lot of this is not because I think that the intellectualizing is going to magically make everything better and that you're going to wake up tomorrow and be like, come by ya, I've had to come to Jesus moment and everything's amazing. The reason I share this is because then that way you can be like, oh, fuck, there's nothing wrong with me. Like, I'll never forget the first time I learned about anxious attachment style. And I was like, oh, there's nothing ever been wrong with me. I just learned some bullshit when I was a kid. And that's called anxious attachment. I was like, it was an explanation, not an excuse. And so I want us to be able to empower so that you know this knowledge, you know this information. And you're not trying to analyze. You're not trying to understand. You're looking to see objectively what is fact and what is not. And so we're going to get to the tips on that. And a lot of it is stuff you guys have heard, but we've put it into an area. So here are the three big. story categories that we start to create. So the first one is the rejection story. And the pattern here is that any neutral or ambiguous behavior gets turned into evidence of rejection or loss of interest. So some of the questions are kind of comments you guys had asked was, why do I immediately assume the worst when something feels off? Well, because think about it, something feels off triggers your threat detection system. So it's faster, right? We talked about earlier, to assume danger than to be wrong and assume safety and get hurt. So your brain right now is not trying to do this on purpose. But what happens is when you you see one small thing growing up, it was, oh my God, you didn't see that.

And because you didn't see that, you got hurt. And so we're never going to do this again. And we then starting getting to these patterns. And then when you're not conscious of it, when you're not aware of it, it happens so much faster. It took me years to break this. I'm not going to lie. It did. It took me years to break this part of me because I would always assume friends, dating,

relationships, people, work, it didn't matter. I assumed the worst of them before I ever assumed anything positive. And it's so funny, I was out to brunch with my brother and his girlfriend. And she's incredibly secure. And she laughed and we were saying something. And she goes, yeah, that is the difference. She was like, I was raised to not think that of people. And my brother and I were talking about how we not trust people.

And we all chuckled because we were like, look at the difference. Look at the difference between a traumatic childhood and household where you were really on edge at all times versus somebody who had like a really secure upbringing. Who has her own shit? Like, don't me wrong. She's a human. But who doesn't automatically create those stories and go for the worst. It's actually wild to see. By the way, if anybody hasn't bought their mug, don't forget y'all, Sabrina's over merch.

We only have four pullovers left total, that's it. And then we're doing a new print and we're only doing one and a limited run. So get it now. Okay. Somebody else has said, every small thing becomes evidence that he's going to leave. So that's confirmation bias in action, which we talked about last week. But once your brain decides he might leave, it starts collecting evidence for that story, even though it might be contrary proof.

And that's really the big thing of why do you think I always start to ask you guys, like, what facts do I have to back this up? because we can create these narratives. And that's also why when I hear like, I knew it, told you so, see, I am right. Like, this person didn't do this and you're telling me that that's not. Well, no, because that's confirmation bias. You're going for people that are limited to begin with, and then you're wondering why at the end you're proven right.

Like, I say that with love, and you know I say that with love. But it can't be a total shock when we consciously and cognitively know certain aspects and behaviors are not going to be right for us, but yet here we are. And one last thing was, he took longer to text back, so I convinced myself he was seeing someone else. Again, that's your brain jumping from A to Z without hitting any of the fucking letters in between because one delayed text could literally mean a thousand things, but your brain is going to pick the most dramatic explanation because why? It's trying to keep you safe. Your brain does not want you to be blindsided. And then because think about it,

too, everyone here, raise your hand silently. If you have been blindsided, right? You're dating somebody you think everything's great and everything's amazing and all of a sudden they end it and you're like, what? How did I not see this? And it's like, doesn't mean you're an 80. that's why then you'll always be on higher alert because your body is like, uh-uh, not going to let this happen again. And even ways that that shows up, someone might take a few hours to text you back and already, you're like, they're losing interest.

They say okay instead of okay with an exclamation point, you're like, oh my God, they're annoyed with me. They might be tired and you're like, that's it. They're regretting spending time with me and they wish they were home alone and they didn't even want me here. The person might make different plans. You're like, that's it. They're trying to avoid me.

It's like, no. The reality is most behavior is not about you. It's about their fucking internal world. That's it. And I want you to start to even shift it, to ask, what's the most boring explanation for this behavior? I used to ask that to, too, I'd be like, he was taking a shit on the toilet. He was on the phone with his mom.

He was out with his friend. Like something where you were just like, he was clipping his toenails, right? Make them a human of like, right, this person could literally be doing anything. I can't tell you how many times I might be doing a million things and I'll have friends be like, hey, are you mad at me? And I'm like, did what? Didn't we just talk last week? You're like, I'm so sorry.

What did I do? That made you feel that? Well, you just didn't answer my text. I'm like, you didn't say anything that required a response. And it's like, it's okay. I'll validate my friends. I'm like, of course not. I'm great. I'm here. I'm here to reassure you. And it happens, right? I've been like that before. But we have to be cognizant and start to look at what are the stories that we are creating for our rejection because we are scared of what. What is that story going to prove? I get it. It's really fucking tough. I'm not going to even try to bullshit you. So the second thing I want to talk about. I want to talk about mind reading. Okay. So the pattern here is that you might decide you know what they're thinking or feeling based on very minimal evidence. So somebody had written and saying, I can tell he thinks I'm too. much even though he never said that, baby, you're not reading his mind, you're projecting your own fucking fears onto him and his behavior and what they're going through. Projecting your fears

that you are too much because somewhere along the way you learned that and you were taking any slight facial expression or movement. I've even dealt with those people like coming at me being like, I don't like your tone. It reminds me of somebody from childhood and I feel like you're being mean. And I'm like, wait, wait, wait, huh? Did you challenge that at fucking all? It's like, so I say one thing. You don't like it. But now it's me who's the problem? because I triggered something within you, and now it's, no. Instead, it's okay. It's very human, but most of us are projecting, even me, right? There might be times where, like, I may be annoyed with Ryan, and it's like, I'm actually more annoyed with, like, something that I'm doing

or something that's coming up with me, and he'll call me out. He'll be like, you're shocking projecting right now. I'm like, you're not wrong. That's okay. But we have to look at what are the stories that we're creating and what facts do I have to back that up, which again, we're going to get into, but that is part of it. This is why I'm walking us through where this comes from, so that when I say that, you're like, got it. And someone said, I'm a, assume he's judging me for things he's probably not even thinking about. Well, here's the thing. You think he's judging you for really what you're judging for yourself. You think he's judging you, but that's really just you judging yourself. And now I want you to start to ask, what facts?

What facts do I have to back up that this person is judging me? Again, it's the same thing I've had where people are like, you're mean or you say this. And I'm like, okay, again, what facts do you have to back that up? Because I said a statement that I think, like, what was wild was in the friendship episode, I gave a statistic. It's just saying 60% of people have been attracted to an opposite sex of a friend, right? No one said that you're acting on it. Nothing. And people are freaking out and fighting me and I disagree. And you're wrong. And this study's stupid. And it's like, it just sounds like you're projecting your shit onto me. You're judging yourself for feeling that. But now it's my fault that that's happening. And again, I'll hold space. I'm like,

hey, cool, you're allowed to. You can disagree. You could do whatever the fuck you want. That doesn't hurt me. I'm just reading a statistic. But it's really when we, when we do that of like, are you judging me? The person's like, I don't say anything. And it's like, well, you, I could see it in your eyes. You're like, no, you're judging yourself, but we're putting that on to the other person. Again, not saying it's not human, but I am also not saying that it's totally healthy. Right.

And then the last one, if someone says, self-doubt trusting myself versus it is really what I'm needing and feeling. And here's the thing. When you're in the storymaking, you can't access your real intuition because you're too busy creating those narratives and you're disregulated. So I want you to trust your feelings about how you feel, but I want you to question your assumptions about how they feel. That's the big difference between intuition versus anxiety. I'll say this from the rooftops. Intuition versus anxiety is that intuition is significantly calmer. It is a lot more calm in your body. You don't have the high highs, the low lows. There's not the peaks. There's not the valleys. You're not creating stories and narratives. It could just be,

this doesn't work for me or I don't like that. Or nah, that's not cute. Versus anxiety comes with the narrative and the story right, we're building on. So last week went through the core beliefs. Now we're using the stories that those core beliefs started to create. And then we start to get to, oh, this is where anxiety comes from. And some of the story examples here are like, you think this person thinks you're clinging and it's like based on nothing. Or he's comparing me to his ex.

And it's like based on what? Your fucking imagination? What did he say? Or she's only with me because she's bored and it's like, based on what? You're insecurity? They can tell him insecure. What?

Based on your fucking fear? You literally cannot read people's mind. That knowing is projection. I once saw that I declined. She said, no, no, I know some things off. I can tell you when I say, okay, what facts? I don't have any. But I'm telling you, I just can't put my finger on.

it. And it's like, that right there is classic anxious attachment and that's okay or just anxiety. That, no, you know some things up. It's like that's our brain being like, this doesn't feel safe, so I'm going to figure this out and you're filling it in with anything you can. Sure enough, wasn't an issue. Wasn't an issue at all. Everything she had created was absolutely nothing. The dude fucking called her like 20 minutes later and everything was fine. And I think they're still together. It's been like two years. So I want you to start to get really used to. The story I'm telling myself is, and it's not a fact. Bitch, you're not fucking psychic. you're just anxious with a good imagination.

And I say that with love. But it's true. Now, the last kind of thing that we see is really the timing and pacing. And the pattern is like taking current moments and spitting it into an inevitable future. And I understand. The outcome feels scary. But someone asked, how do I ride the wave and let go of timelines and relationships? But you're comparing your relationship to some imaginary schedule or fucking Instagram,

TikTok story that doesn't exist. There is no relationship syllabus that you have to follow. You're not in a specific order. and you're creating stress about the timing instead of enjoying what's actually happening. And I'm going to share a story. I was just with my friend. And we were talking and I said, how's dating?

And he said, man, I'm really bummed. And I said, what's going on? And he said, one thing I'm noticing is there's this sense of urgency and there's this lack of understanding that it takes time. And I said, what, you didn't know in five minutes that you liked her?

And he chuckled and I said, no, that's the box theory. And he was like, of course I didn't know in five minutes. He was like, how fuck am I supposed to know in five minutes? He's like, it takes me time to get to know somebody. And he said he had gone on two dates. And on the second date,

might have even been, maybe it was on the first date. She asked him, you know, what are your intentions, blah, blah. And he said, like, I want to get to know somebody, like, I'm intentional. And she said, me too, I'm really intentional. He was like, awesome. That's great. And then she said, well, I need to know now, do you want to be with me? And he was like, what are you talking about?

He's like, it's our second date. First or second day, I couldn't remember. And she's like, well, when I'm all in, I'm all in. And like, I feel like you're playing games with me. If you're telling me right now that you're not all in. That's not really intentional. and it's like, whoa, dude, we just created an entire narrative and story of something that didn't fucking happen. That person has no, he's allowed to say it's going to take me more than a couple of

dates to figure this out. And I get it. I get it written in every day of people saying, well, we've been on two, three dates. Like, why are these still in the apps? It's like, because you don't know these people. You don't know these and you're creating these timelines and this. I have to have it done it. It has to be here. And it's like, that's wanting certainty. That's wanting certainty. And I get it. I get it. When you want to know if this person is rushing or if they're not interested or if they're not like wasting your time and all that. Moral of the story. You're not enjoying where you actually are, so stop trying to live so far in the future. Enjoy the moments now. Why do you think with Ryan when I told him like, hey, I had a great night and if this is all it was cool, and I'm like, but if not, and you call me

again, it's like because you're actually trying to build something here. I don't do casual. That's one thing. That's setting a boundary of like, I'm not interested in the Friends of Benefits thing. That would have been very different than me being like, and on the second date being like, why aren't you committing to me? Why are you still in the apps? You don't want to be with me. You're not intentional. It's like, that's just not being fair to somebody. Okay. So somebody asked, When do you know if you want to rush or he is too slow for you or not interested? Well, the reality is you're making their pacing mean something about their interest level instead of just their personality. Some people move slow because they're thoughtful because they want to get to know you.

It doesn't mean that they don't like you. What I want you to start to look at is the consistency of effort, not the speed of escalation. Are you making progress? Are you growing? Are you seeing this person more? Or is it that they're not calling? They're not texting. Let's call it what it is.

The difference between are you going slow or are you wasting your? fucking time is progress, consistency, and effort. So we need to stop excusing bullshit behavior. There's a big difference between this person doesn't text me every single day. Maybe they text me once every two or three days in the early stages of dating, but they call, they phase time, they make consistent plans, and we're building it. Over time, we start to talk more. That's going slow. Versus, an excuse for bad behavior has been like six days. They don't text me. They're not making plans. They text me when you up. They only want to see me on their time. They're super inconsistent. One minute, they're really intense and they're texting me all day, and then the next

and don't hear from them. Or they text me every single day and good morning, but that's it. It's like, okay, well, so then what we're doing is we're putting all of this importance on the speed and the escalation, but we're not actually looking at the intentionality and the depth of this person because building a fucking relationship takes time and doesn't happen overnight. That is a reality. You can hear all these stories of like, well, when we first met and we read it, and it's like,

sure, maybe it worked out for them. But here's the reality. Your person isn't going to get scared off because you want to go at a bit of a slower timeline. And a bit of a slower timeline just means that maybe it takes you two or three months to make that determination and not one or two fucking dates. So let's stop looking at they're not interested, they're not interested. It's like instead of creating stories and narratives, let's gain clarity. And if the person's not offering you that, well, then you have your answer.

Last question was someone said, how to not worry that every single move is going to scare them off? You're living like you're walking through a fucking minefield, man. What are you kind of eggshells? You're not getting to know this person. You're holding on to that narrative that you're too much and that you have to manage every single interaction perfectly. Otherwise, what? you're going to lose them. Because, baby, if being yourself scares them off,

they weren't your fucking person anyways. That's it. And I'm not saying that you have to like, that it's okay to text someone a thousand fucking times and do all that. I'm not saying that it's okay to be excessive. But what I am saying is that if you're scared of even just talking to someone about how you feel

or what's coming up for you or what timeline you're on and that scares them away, then what did you think you were going to have for them? What did you think? What did you think we're going to have? And some of the examples that show here of like, I haven't met their friends yet. That's it.

They're not serious about me. And it's like, I don't know. maybe that person just like doesn't want to introduce their friends to somebody before they really know them. People say like all the time like they said they want to take things slow like they're just not that interested in me and it's like or people move at a different pace. I want to text him but I'll seem desperate and it's like okay well why are we creating this narrative? Someone even asked like I've been dating for two months without a defining the relationship they're wasting my time. It's like and what are you doing? Are you defining the relationship? Are you having conversations? Are you talking about

what it is that you want to need or are you just going along with it trying to be the cool girl or guy not talking about your needs and then wondering why they're not being fulfilled? So you want a tool? Start saying. I'm creating a timeline story instead of letting this relationship unfold naturally. I am not being in the present fucking moment. Because here's the reality. This shit's addiction. And the reason that this starts to feel so off, but also why these wrong stories feel so right is one confirmation bias. Once you create the story, you're going to look for all the fucking evidence to prove it. Then you have something called control illusion. And that's having a story, even the fucking wrong one, feels better than uncertainty. That's why a lot of people are like, I just need to know that they want to be

with me. That's it. And it's like, even though you don't have any proof that that's going to laugh. No, I just need to know. It's like that's having that fallacy of some kind of certainty. And we had the self-protection what we talked about. Like if you can predict the rejection, you can prepare for it or cause it because then you won't be hurt. And then we have to look at those familiar stories that match your core beliefs that feel true even when they're not because then you're back in the self-fulfilling fucking prophecy. You start to create the story of like they're losing interest. And then you start to act on that story. You become clingy or defensive or distant. Then that story becomes a reality. See, they did pull away. And then your brain's going,

I told you, and you're ignoring that you created that fucking outcome. Again, you're not psychic. You're just creating the very future you're trying to avoid. And when you act like someone's going to leave you and you then start acting differently, you give them a fucking reason to actually leave. And that's a harsh reality. And I'm not saying that anybody did this on purpose and that it's your fault. Like, we have to be able to separate the two and just take accountability and ownership.

Because the reality is like, if I were super anxious and I kept picking up shit with my partner and acting distance and cold and all this, it's like, then you can't. be shocked that that person's going to be like, all right, what are we doing here? Because then they're like, are you okay? You're being passive aggressive. You're not being honest with me. And they're like, okay, are you mature enough to handle this? And it's like, and then I've done that. I have done that. I have created narratives and stories. And then I started to act different. And I started to be like, you know, you don't even seem interested or like, I guess not. Guess you're not interested. And the guy's like, dude, I was at fucking work, man. And like, they get turned off. And then I'm

like, see, you knew it. Nobody wants to be with me. And it's like, well, look how I was showing up. Again, it's like, I wouldn't want to be with me. And that was something I had to come to. And that's what I mean by like, I'm not trying to be a dick. But I am just trying to shed light on the fact that just because you have this behavior doesn't mean we need to excuse it and say that it's okay when like it's kind of not. And I was firsthand of it kind of not being because it was a hot mess. And the problem is like this shit costs you a lot. You're so busy in the story that you miss what's actually fucking happening. You don't stay in the moment.

An example could be like they're quiet because work is really stressful, but you're spinning this about the relationship problems that don't even fucking exist. And then you get all anxious and then you end up solving problems. that aren't there while missing opportunities to really fucking connect with your partner. Because maybe they're having a really tough day and all they needed was just a little bit of love in and some space. And instead we're like going, going, going. And the person's like, oh, okay, now we have an issue. Like, yeah, I feel like you're on my dick.

And you're just like, why are you being rude? It's like, we have to stop reading their mind. It's also exhausting when you're listening. Like, you're constantly living in this drama. It's fucking exhausting because your nervous system can't even tell the difference between a real threat and the story threats. You spend your entire day anxious about, like, what did this mean? What did this mean? When he meant exactly what he said. That's exactly

what it is. You're living in your own, choose your own fucking adventure book, but you keep choosing the chapters where everything goes wrong. And here's the fucking plot twist. You're the author and you can write a different story. You can. And I know you're probably looking and being like, but this keeps happening. Yeah, it's a pattern. That doesn't mean that this has to be yours for life. I feel like I could be a great testament for like, if you change your narrative and thought process, you can change your life. and it starts here because I used to write that story. God, I was so good. The webs I fucking weaved.

I made the, like 50 shades of gray look like child's play. Mm-hmm. I would create these fantasies, these novellas in my head, this like for this way, these romantic thing. That shit never existed. I overfought. And then I would fucking create these narratives and stories of like they don't like me. They're not into me.

And it's like all the while that dude was just a fucking work, man. He wasn't even like present or there. So you want some tools? Let's talk tools, baby. All right. So we have to do the story versus reality. check. When you catch yourself in the story, I want you to ask what actually happened first, what story am I creating about what happened? So maybe it's that the person said, I'm tired. And the story is

they're tired of me and they're trying to end this conversation. So that breaks the automatic story making because you're able to then move on to the next thing, which is evidence on it. So once you break the story, you can say, what evidence do I have for this story to be true? Usually it's none, right? So it forces you to separate facts from fiction. I literally had a client do this the other day. He kept saying, no, no, no, I have fat. And I kept saying, what facts did you have, that if you acted different, that this would have been different, that this person wouldn't have left you, that they wouldn't have abandoned you, whatever, whatever, whatever. And you said, well, I don't have any hard facts. I said, then we're done with the conversation. Facts from fiction. And so

some that might be like, oh, they're losing interest. They text less today. But the evidence is that they still like you. They made plans for the weekend. They bought you coffee. They said they missed you. So then instead of us going down, that's what I mean by sometimes we have to say, what else is there? Every fucking day, people argue with me on the internet. If somebody didn't text you every day, it's because they don't like you. And it's a fucking rigmarole that I go through every single day. And that is why I always say, what else do you count? What other facts do you have?

Because you're looking at one myopic thing of like, they didn't text me the good morning. All the while, you're like, you just fucking saw them last night. And then they'll call them later and it's all fine. Because the reality is if there really is something wrong, talk to them about it. Have a conversation with this person about it. Hey, I know it's a shift. I just want to pick, I see if I'm picking up on that. They're like, hey, whoa, not at all.

I mean, I work all day, man. I'm so sorry. And you're like, okay, cool, no worries. I was creating a story that you were mad at me. And I guess I was just living in my own shit. And I appreciate that. And I want you to start even having some alternate storylines. What are three other stories you could tell yourself about the same situation?

You break the tunnel vision of one negative narrative. So instead of like, they're being short with text. So the first story could be he's done with me. Or the second could be she's busy at work. Or the next one, maybe they're not big text her. Maybe they're dealing with family stuff. Because then you can start to do the protagonist switch, and you can say, well, what if this story wasn't about me at all? Because most of the stories that you create make you the center of other people's internal world.

And here is a harsh reality. This main character energy bullshit, you're the main character of your fucking story. You ain't shit to mine. So care about your life 100%. Have your main character energy where you have your boundaries, your morals, your ethos, your ethics. But here's a humbling fucking fact. You think that you're going to be someone's main princess and character and the queen of their fucking story. they have to welcome you in for that.

You don't just earn that spot. And that's also why I say most of the stories that we create are about other people's internal worlds, and we make ourselves the fucking center of it, which is why we then internalize everything. Because here's another reality. People are usually dealing with their own bullshit that has nothing to fucking do with you. 99.9% of the time it doesn't. So what does this actually look like in practice? Because let me give you it.

So before you have story awareness, you might go from the. seem different. They're losing interest. You're going to start to fuck and panic. You're going to send the anxious text. You're going to create conflict. And then there we go. Story becomes reality. But after story awareness, they seem different. You notice the story making. You check facts. You start to consider alternatives. You ask directly if needed and you stay present. So instead of there being weird, this is over a try. I'm noticing things seem different tonight. I'm going to stay curious. And instead of creating a story about what this means, I'd love to understand what's going on with my partner. I know. I know it feels scary. And I know it feels really.

really uncomfortable. But once you start getting used to that, your entire life is going to change. And I promise you that. That's a promise I can hold because I know my entire life changed. When I stop assuming the worst, when I stopped filling in the blanks, when I stopped just creating these stories and these narratives like, oh, Ryan's doing this because he fucking hates me. He doesn't like me and he wants to leave me. And it's like, nah, my dad might use to do that. But my partner is not doing that. And I get to now challenge that and let my little know. By the way, you don't need to have this job anymore. You don't have to assess. Your job was never to figure out the narrative. Your job was never to read their minds. And I'm so sorry if you ever felt that. So this week, we handled all of this.

Now, next week, we're going to get into more stuff. Today, you recognize your writing stories instead of living reality. And next week, those specific thought patterns that fuel these stories, like the black and white thinking, catastrophizing, mind reading, we are going to do all that because your stories are made of thoughts. And next week, we're going to get under the hood and see how those get fucking created. And I'm really excited. I like this series. So guys, always, I actually want to try something. Drop a comment with the most ridiculous story that you have ever created about someone's behavior. I want to normalize how creative or anxious brains can get or maybe tag someone who needs to hear this, they're writing fiction and calling it facts, send this to a friend that might need the reminder.

Or just let me know. Let me know what you've done and maybe where you've come and where you've gone. And if you guys need more support with this, you can either work one-on-one. You can work with me or Sheila and kind of get to do some of my fest work. You can join the course or you could just keep listening to the pot. And anything you guys need is all going to be at supernozovar.com. Guys, thank you for rating, reviewing. Thank you for sharing with your friends. Thank you for being here and thank you for supporting me every single day. I am trying my goddamn hardest to make these episodes have an arc, have substance, have structure, and help you guys. So I really hope you guys are loving them. And like I said, just please make sure your auto downloads are on. That way, even if you don't listen to an episode, Mark That Baby is finished. It helps us get a play.

And that way we can help and grow our community and make it even bigger and even more beautiful. So, guys, thank you so much for sitting with me again. And until next week, my babies.