The Sabrina Zohar Show - 168: Why You Spiral When They Don’t Text Back

Episode Date: October 24, 2025

In this week’s episode, Sabrina breaks down what your texting patterns reveal about your attachment style and emotional triggers in dating and relationships. Through her own past text exchanges, she shares how anxious thoughts, people-pleasing, and over-explaining once shaped her dating behavior, and how she learned to regulate her emotions instead of spiraling when someone didn’t respond. Sabrina explores how rejection, ghosting, and unmet expectations often trace back to deeper wounds around self-worth and safety.She also explains how healing doesn’t mean never feeling triggered; it means recognizing those triggers, staying grounded, and choosing not to self-abandon. If texting still sends you into a loop, this episode will help you understand why and how to finally break the cycle.Ever felt that rush of panic when someone takes hours to text back?The tight chest.The spinning thoughts.The sudden urge to delete your last three messages and throw your phone across the room.That isn’t you being “crazy.”That’s your nervous system reacting to what it thinks is danger.Because your brain can’t tell the difference between rejection and getting punched in the face.In this episode, we’re talking about texting anxiety, what’s really happening inside your body when you’re waiting, overanalyzing, or trying to say the “right” thing.And if you’re ready to take this deeper, join me live on November 6th for my masterclass: Texting Anxiety: How to Calm Your Body Before You Hit Send.You’ll learn how to work with your body instead of against it, and finally stop letting what happens on your phone control how you feel.🎟️ Save your seat at https://masterclass.sabrinazohar.comBecause you don’t need to care less.You just need the right tools to feel safe again.Stuck After the Podcast? Master Implementation in 8 Weeks with Sabrina's Foundation Course HERE! Enrollment for The Self Love Course, The Nervous System Course, and The Break Up Course is now closed. For your continued education and growth, please explore The Foundation Course, which is currently available.Get Ad free HERE!Want to work with Sabrina? HERE!Get merch for The Sabrina Zohar Show HERE!Don't forget to follow Sabrina and The Sabrina Zohar Show on Instagram and Sabrina on TikTok! Video now available on YOUTUBE! Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formerly known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A.Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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And welcome to another episode with the Sabrina Zohar Show. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. Hi, babies. Welcome back. It's Friday. And today, oh, we got a special episode, y'all. I'm going to tell you more about it, but we're just going to go and say, this is telling you what your texting patterns show about your dating and relationship patterns.

And I'm going to give you so much personal experience. It's at nauseam. Guys, as always, thank you for being here. Thank you guys for rating and reviewing the show, sharing it with your friends, putting it in group chats. All I ask is just please speak with kindness to each other for commenting and leaving reviews and things like we're here. You're allowed to say whatever you want.

We just asked for the community to be a safe place for everybody to come to. And it's okay. Guys, as always, if you need anything, link in bio. You can join a course. You could work one-on-one. You can ask a question or you can subscribe for ad-free. Some of you guys have issues with the ads, and that's totally fair. Who likes them?

I pay for cable and I still have ads. But for four bucks a month, you can get the show ad-free if you like. And if not, thank you for supporting our sponsors who help us keep the show. show free for you guys. Guys, without further ado, let's get it right on into it, shall we? Okay, I have my phone out today. And you know why? Because this past a few weeks ago, the time this even comes out, Ryan and I went to New York, and it was my first time bringing somebody back to New York in general, right? Like, just bringing anybody romantic back. And I think there were so many moments in New York that I wished I had had somebody like Ryan with me. And so I was super stoked. I didn't shut the

fuck up about this trip before we were going and I got everything like for anybody who wants New York Rex, I got you, don't go forget to go to Ivin Ramen, go to Kikis for Greek, go to Supermoon bakery. There was just so many amazing places in Brooklyn and in the city that we were exploring and it brought a lot of tears for me. I cried every few blocks at some points. I was going around being like, Clem and I used to go here and Clem and I used to go there. And it was really weird for me because I was between the version that I'm becoming and the version that I was. And so I was there to see holy smokes dude like you really have grown a lot holy shit and like at one point we were walking because I was still live in Williamsburg and we were walking towards the hotel and I just beeline

towards my old apartment I like didn't even realize it was just so conditioned in me and for anyone watching I'm wearing my Clem shirt because I got it from the bar there but I think that the reason that this trip was so hard was because I think a part of me thought that I was going to go back and Clem would be there that maybe I would wake up in this solid dream none of this happened and me and my baby are just sitting by the water together. And it didn't happen, unfortunately. So instead, what I did was I celebrated the fuck out of him. And I just told stories.

And I got a new photo for anyone watching on YouTube right now. I got a new photo framed of me and him. And I just promised him I was going to make him proud. I promised that to him when he died. And so I hope if he's watching right now that I've done that. and that I can help create safety for you guys in the same way that Clem helped create safety for me. And I'll be honest, I've been struggling really hard. I've been struggling with friendships.

I've been struggling with just people in L.A., with connecting with people, with going back into my old core beliefs. Like, did I do something wrong? I don't get it. What's wrong with me? And that's the reason I share this is because you're so fucking human for experiencing these types of things. I'll give you an example because that's why, so today's episode, the reason I did it is what I just, when we were in New York, I was with my best friend, Raquel, and she's been with me since COVID, since before any of this, before I, when I was really just getting into doing the work.

Like, I met her right after my ex and I had kind of like separated. And we were going over and she was like, dude, you were in your heyday fucking gnarly with the texting and all that. And I said, you know what? I'm going to go through our chat and I'm going to pull all of the text to show you guys where I came from, what I used to do. And I put it in a little bit trajectory. It starts with like the days where that weren't as great. And I don't even have those. Like, that was amazing myself, but that was before we were screenshoting and sending each other texts.

Like, this was, you know, in my early 20s, like, texting wasn't that big. We were still fucking going out and meeting people. And so I don't have a lot, but I was able to find some. And the reason I also wanted to have this episode is I wanted to share a personal experience that I made a new friend. And I was so excited about her. And she is somebody that I created castles in the skies before. Honestly, I didn't know why she wanted to hang out with me. And that was my first core belief of, like, who am I?

Why do you want to come meet with me? And it was like, because my fucking brain, my mom called me an idiot this more. She's a stupid. And she said, it would love. But my brain couldn't comprehend that that person genuinely wanted to be friends with me. And we had the best time at dinner. We had so much fun. And when I left, she and I were texting.

And I was like, oh, my God, we should hang out again. And I personally have to rein it in and, like, not overgive. Because, like, I can literally be out. Even my friends have all been like, dude, I can see your generosity. Like, I'll take a shirt off and put another one on if you say you like it. And for me, it's always been, what can I give you to make you feel loved? And after, I didn't hear from her for a couple of days. And so I text and I was like, hey, do you want to hang out?

And I didn't hear from her for five days. And in that five days, every single thing that you guys write in happened to me. And I'm not going to bullshit you. You know where it started? When I went to the text and I started going, hmm, but the longest she's ever taken was 23 minutes to respond back to me. And it's been 40 now. And I stopped myself and I was like, holy shit, dude, you're on the loop already.

I could see it. And for five days, I went through the phase, right? At first I was really confused and I didn't really understand it. And then I went into sadness and then into acceptance and into, hey, you know, it's okay. Like, it's like dating. Just because you had a really good time doesn't necessarily mean they did. But you know what? I was really proud of myself.

I didn't create narratives. I kept saying, did I do something? Like, I can't imagine. I would look and I don't think I did. But I didn't start attacking myself. And I was just like, hey, you're allowed to be sad. Dude, you are allowed to be bummed. And I let myself be sad.

I didn't try to change it. And sure enough, the fucker text me this week. I'm so sorry, oh my God, I got a new phone. I didn't even see this. Can you want to hang out? And then I ended up seeing her. And I was like, holy shit, dude. And that's what I mean by like somebody who tried to fucking come at me today for a video

I had about like, when you get anxious with texting, we have to look. It's not about the text. And they're like, you're gaslighting people. You're telling them that their gut is wrong. And it's like, no, I'm not fucking saying anybody is wrong. What I'm saying is this. If you don't get a text for one fucking day and you already are hell in a handbasket and creating narratives and stories,

then this has nothing to do with the text and everything to do with the rejection and your perception of what the space in the text means. Regulating, coming back to your body, and understanding your triggers is going to help whether it's actually your gut reaction saying something is off or your anxiety, because what is at the end of the day?

You come home to yourself, you regulate, you can have a conversation with this person, and gain clarity. That is why I tell you guys, it doesn't matter what the outcome is, what's important is you coming home to you to assess. Because even for me, my gut was telling me, dude, you didn't do anything. My anxiety was creating these narratives and these stories.

And you know what I looked at it as I said, I'm so glad this happened. I haven't dated in three years because I'm with my partner. I haven't been triggered like this. I didn't understand that this was still a pain point for me. And I welcomed it head fucking on. Let's go. And when she texts me, even Ryan, he was like, she texted, didn't she? And I was like, I saw your face.

And he was like, you know what? I'm happy. He was like because you fucking deserve this. Like, you're right, you didn't do anything. And I'm so happy. He was even, like, I'm so proud you didn't attack yourself. That's growth, baby. That is growth.

You're allowed to have these emotions and feelings come up. You're allowed to go, wait, but I'm confused. What did I do? I'm so confused. I didn't do anything. You're right. Sometimes you didn't. And sometimes it's just the other person.

You can't control that. I was ghosted by a friend recently. After two years, I left off by saying, love you, can't wait to see you. Unfollowed, haven't spoken to her in a month. Okay. What did I do? Literally, the last time I left off with her was a big hug going, like, God, I love you so much. I can't wait to see you. And then that's it. Am I going to internalize that that person might be going through something? I don't need to make it my problem. If she wants to talk, of course, I already reached out and I'm waiting to see if this person would like to have a conversation because I genuinely have no idea what happened. But I'm not going to internalize their behavior about me. I showed up as a friend. I was always there. They literally, they were with me next to me going, okay, I'll text you later. I don't know what transpired. We did text for a bit. And then after that, I was was okay, thanks so much, and I never heard from this person again. I know they're alive, because they unfollowed me. So I understand when you get ghosted and when you get dumped,

like I know how it feels. It feels like fucking garbage. It is a dumpster fire. But what are you going to do with it? What are you going to do with that situation and what happens? That's, that's it. None of us can control what other people are going to do, but I can control how I show up and how I allow this to affect me. I was still sad. I was still bumped and I tried to take ownership where I could, but I couldn't. What were we going to take ownership for that this person was really inconsistent? That when I talked to my good friends, they're like, hey, dude, you've had these issues. Like, let's, let me remind you, you've had this multiple times with this friend. And I was like, hey, you're right. It's okay to let people go. And if you guys want more in friendship,

I have friendship episodes, whatever you guys need. So let's get on into it. Because let's get into it. So this was the first thing I sent my best friend. And this was on a hinge conversation. And this is kind of where it all started. This is right before I moved to New York. And I started changing kind of the way that I dated. So this was a hinge conversation before I moved from New York and changed the way I dated. So, and these are going to pop up if you're watching on YouTube. But by the way, guys, if you're listening right now going, wait, this bitch has video. Yes, I do. Come on in. You can see the new studio. I love it. But come watch us on YouTube. Sabrina underscore Zohar. Got you. Okay. And so we'll put the chat up. So he wrote, yep. And I said,

welcome. He said, let's hang out soon when you're free. And I said, what do you want to do? And he said, I'm open to drinks or we can be lazy and movie and wine and order in. And I said, oof, I should manage expectations because I'm, now, before I even go on, that right there should have been my inclination of this is not for me, right? This is where the reason I'm sharing you my actual text to show you that I kept going, that I didn't just walk away. I didn't just say, I'm choosing myself for people that think that I've always been like this. I haven't. I said, oh, I should manage expectations because I'm certainly not ordering it and having movie night with someone I don't know, not into the casual thing. So if that's your interest, that's cool, but no need to waste either of our time. And he wrote, LOL, that was one option. Relax. No hooking up until several dates. anyways, bull fucking shit. And I said, I'd love to know in what world relax works on a woman. And he wrote, you're being aggressive. And I remember I sent this to my friend and I said, am I taking crazy pills? He went on and on about how I date terrible guys and I'm so aggressive and could have

just said I wanted to drink. Wild. I was setting a boundary. And the reason I shared that is because I'm no, bitch, I'm not the only one that's had this. I know, I'm not the only one that has had someone on an app texting or sending or doing that makes you feel uncomfortable. I was literally talking to my client this morning, and I was saying, what is the common denominator with all of these girls that don't work out for you?

And he said that in the beginning, I get a gut feeling that they're not right for me and I ignore it. And so we were exploring that of like, okay, what's the discomfort? And him choosing himself felt really uncomfortable. And so now that's what we're working on. Same the thing I was working on. I saw it as, if I explained to you, you'll get it, right? Because that was my childhood. I was being like, wait, I don't get it.

Why does dad think we're bad kids? Maybe if I explain to him, like, why I'm hurt and why I'm sad, he'll get it. No, no, no, no. You didn't get it. And so that became maladaptive to me. I had to over-explain myself to people because I was like, look, if I cut myself and I bleed, look, you're going to realize I'm a human that's going through something. And rarely does that happen? Because if I have to explain that I'm going through an experience and that person can't fucking pick up on it. And so I always found myself over-explaining and trying to go on, which leads us into the next text chain. Because that was the hinge guy. And that was not even as bad. I used to go way into more explaining. we go into this one dude, blank as a dickhead is what Ryan tech guy marked this as. He was deflecting intimacy with humor. And so I wanted to give you another example. Now let me give you some backstory. This guy, I'm not going to say his name, even though I almost did. This guy was the one I've mentioned to you guys before that for eight years I was on and off, that I was, he said jump. I said, oh, hi.

I slept with him, found out he had a girlfriend, still tried to get him to like me. He was treating me so fucking poorly. And even my friend, she was like, he's a fucking narcissistic piece of shit who's not even that attractive. Didn't matter. He had a six-pack in a motorcycle I was in. and I would always try to negotiate because he would do low effort. He wouldn't follow me. Then he would respond to a story. Then he would follow me for like a week. And then when we'd have a disagreement, I'll never forget, he and I were supposed to go on like a proper date.

This was after my ex and I broke up and I was like, okay, now I'm single, you're single. Like, let's actually do this. We never did. And we text every day for the week. And I remember I was like so keen, so keen. Day of the date. It's Saturday. I had had like a 20 hour week, like day of the day before.

I had not slept. I was so exhausted. And so I was like, hey, today's like my first day off. I had been working like a market in Brooklyn. And so I had every weekend I was working from 9 to 11. Like I was exhausted. And I was like, oh my God. And so he said, what do you want to do?

And I was like, let's meet up for drinks, food, whatever, right? Like I was like, wherever we can bop around Brooklyn. I don't really care. And he's like, okay, how's five. It's great. Five is good. And I even had my software hoodie. We're software.com if you want to support a local business.

I had a software hoodie. And I was going to gift it to him because, again, that was in the time when I overgave to hope that people were going to like me. And I remember it had his name on it and I had, I sent him a photo. I was like, I can't wait to see you. I take a nap. He texts me later being like, hey, I'm here, blah, blah. Like I'm at this place and it was like 3.30.

And I said, oh, I'm so happy. I just woke up from a nap. I was exhausted. And I'll never forget. He texted me. Wait, you took a nap? Why the fuck didn't we meet earlier? And I was like, I was just exhausted today.

I was like, I just kind of needed like the afternoon to myself. That was it. He was like, I'm done. I'm turned off by this. I'm not interested in you. And I remember calling my mom crying hysterically, hyperventilating being like, I don't get it. I'm literally getting ready to go meet this fucking guy, but because I didn't meet when he wanted, that was the biggest inclination.

And I overlooked it. And then that happened. And then two, three years later, this happened, not even, like two years later or like a year later than this. And I said, we were texting something. And he said, plus, they're so fucking cute, Clemmy got a blue one for his eyes. And then I said, I know this is pointless because you have a girlfriend and we'll probably just stroke your ego, but fuck it. I have literally not stopped thinking about you in that night. We've known each other for years, but to finally hang out and touch you with something else. I don't know why you slept with me, having a girlfriend, but there's clearly something between us that makes us gravitate towards each other. I don't expect anything to happen, but should you

feel that too? I hope one day you'll speak up if it's not good, but I couldn't not fucking say it. And his response was, do you exclusively wear yoga clothes around town? Also, you're the only person I ever see out, and I know so many people in the hood. And then he said something, I'm just making sure these are all in order. And I said, he said, I offered personal delivery and are you offended moderately? I said, I was kidding and thought you literally wanted me to just leave and fuck off. He said, LOL delivery cuddle. Is that a service? I should start. For those who didn't get many hugs growing up, I said, typically a service only needed when you're single since you have a partner who should take care of that, I'd imagine. But sure, get a business plan drafted. He said, okay, well, let's see how it goes after then and then draft. And I said, FYI, I'm not your proof of concept in case you're alluding to that. He said, nice turn of phrase. I said, I know about that all too well. He said, well, there is no related business venture. Please come get photography. I am expert. I have outfewy. I have outfewy. I have out.

it picked out for you, thanks. I said, sure hope you're not, those aren't the ones from your girlfriend's house. And he said, ha ha, too chay. I said, I don't get it. You clearly want to explore their options. So why do you have a girlfriend? And it's mutual with me and you.

And yet, here we are. And he said, order of operations, shrug. And I said, what does that mean? He said, met you second. And I said, not actually. But okay, so you met me second. And that means you can't change your circumstance. You rather cheat on her than be single and try to date me.

That makes sense. And he put, met. It's certainly more difficult. And then put his photo with a dog. True love will find you in the end. And I said it's sad because I actually think we'd be awesome together, but it's your life. And if you want your dog and a girlfriend who doesn't clearly satisfy you, Godspeed, he's adorable, by the way. I want you to just, after I just said those texts, I want you to listen to what I just said, how fucking, I don't even want to say this word because it sounds like I'm putting myself down.

But how fucking pathetic was that? How sad did I sound? Trying to convince this fucking guy who was using humor to deflect, who wanted to take no accountability, who kept me going. And I kept going. I kept going. I kept doing this for, and he broke up with her, sent me a photo of him crying, going, I never. cry over anyone. Why am I sad? I then said, let's go out tonight, paid for us to go, and he stood me up. That's how I wasn't choosing myself. I was just whatever you want. Instead of looking, going, fuck this guy, you're wasting my fucking time. You have a girlfriend. I found out after we slept

together. I didn't know. That's why after I was like, okay, you have a girlfriend and you slept with me. But I was so enamored in the idea of him and making it something it wasn't, that I just wasn't able to just go, hey, this guy just doesn't have it, and that is okay. And that brings me even to the next text thread of me trying to negotiate. And that's why I'm going to kind of read these all to you, and then we'll kind of talk about all of these. And so this was a guy that I went on one date, one date. And I had text hit, look, we had a really lovely time on the date. And I think we somehow got into like an intimacy conversation. And or he said, like, what did your parents do when I was telling about my dad and the porn theaters and the gay club and everything? And then I said, you know,

That's why sex is really open for me. And I have a high sex drive, so it's not something I've ever really, like, shamed myself on. And that's when we had the, he was like, oh, I don't. And I was like, okay, well, like, what are you going to do? And so after the date, I say, hey, because he was very handsome. He was very sweet. I thought we had, like, we spent like three hours together. I thought we had a nice time.

So I'd like, hey, I had a really great time with you. Like, we'd love to see you again. And he wrote back, yo, sorry my roommate and I were catching up. Haven't seen him before the birthday trip. It's all good. Totally understand with the wine, I think I had said, like, sorry, I, like, was so open. and I had a couple of glasses. It's good. Totally into the wine situation.

I had a great time as well. I want to be honest, though, and not waste your time. It's probably my own insecurities and such, but I already feel the sexual incompatibility thing will be an issue. I do not have a drive like you say you do. I said, I appreciate the honesty. Is that the only thing?

Seems like an issue that can be worked on if everything else aligned. I wouldn't stop seeing you because of the opposite, so it feels a bit silly to not give it a chance if that's the real issue. Like we chatted about, connections don't happen every day, so if you're cool not to kick it again

because a hypothetical issue that may or may not arise, that's fine, I'll respect it, but goes against a lot of what we spoke about. He said, it's not necessarily just hypothetical to me because I've been in this exact same situation and saw the issue that arose from that. That's why I do appreciate that,

even though you brought it up in the first place. The gap in our sexual liberation and the way we were raised with it seems pretty big to me. I said, that's truly a bummer because it felt like we connected on a lot of important things, but thanks for your honesty. He said, we definitely did,

but that is an important thing as well, at least what I've experienced. I said, I get that. It's just shitty to have a past experience that's not me brought into that one and made me an issue. I'm understanding of learning from the past, but also sucks to have someone put an old experience

on to me when I'm not in that situation. Regardless, it seems like you're pretty firm on that. I'm not, and not seeing where this goes so we can leave it. And he wrote, it's not just the past situations, but I agree. Best of luck with everything. I truly did enjoy our date. And you know what I sent to my best friend? To Raquel after? I sent this text chain and I said, I deleted all my dating apps. It's nothing but avoidance pretending they want a relationship when in reality they love the attention. I'm fucking out. I wanted to share that one specifically because I was looking to see the date. I was trying to figure out if I could see the date. And it's just a Sunday, the 17th, 2022.

So I know this is before I met Ryan. And I brought that up because, one, one, I identified and put that this guy was avoidant. I don't know that he's avoidant. I have no idea. I don't think anything that he said was avoidant. I think what he did was maybe he realized that this wasn't compatible. But I very much should have respected him and been like, hey, thanks for being honest, no worries, doesn't work. I wish you all the best.

But I had to convince, I had to understand, I had to explain. because I was in that school of thought of if I explained more and I can convince them, then they're going to choose me. Instead, like, it's cringe, right? Reading back all of these, I'm like, oh, oh, baby, no wonder I wasn't having great experiences. But look what that was saying about the relationships that I was having, that I was hyper-focused on, I need to over-explain myself, I need them to validate me. I need to, I need them to choose me. Well, no wonder I wasn't having the relationships like I have now. No wonder I wasn't meeting the right people. It's like, how could I have? Okay. So there's next.

next one, this was a date of the irony. I'm not going to say like specifics about it, but the irony was I had bought a product from this guy that he had made like 10 years prior on Kickstarter. That was what was wild. And I was like, no way, you're the founder of that. I was like I used it every day for like three years. So it was just a small world. But this to me was a great example of treating dating like a performance review. Because I had talked to this guy about a joke on the date. I said, oh, I wish there was an app like a dating app where we had report cards where after you could tell somebody like what it is that you liked the pros, the cons. how you felt, and blah, blah, blah. And this guy was the first person to ever tell me about the nervous system. I remember on his profile he said, like a sign of a great first date, I have a calm central nervous system. Central nervous system was not the correct usage,

but nervous system. And I remember being like, huh? And that was the first time, I was like, oh, I didn't like a nervous system that's calm around somebody. I was like, I don't really understand that. And I started to learn. So the report card.

He sent it to me at report cards as follows. Pros, confident, smart, really organized. I tell you why this is a pro for me in person. A doer, go get her. We had a good flow. Resilience. Sexual appetite seems in alignment. See what I was saying? I talked about sex a lot on dates because I wanted to make sure, I wanted to connect in another way thinking I could be the cool girl. I fuck my partner on the first date. So I'm not saying that you can't, but you can see the pattern. Open to share life experience is good and bad. Cons. We don't live in the same place at present. This week overwhelmed me back from commitment to future catchups when I asked even though I wanted to. Would you see them again? Would love to? Additional report card. This would be shared with the person more of a check-in with myself. How did you feel before and during after the date? In the moment there was chemistry and we immediately bantered, which was

stimulating. She challenged my words a few times, which was intriguing, but I felt like it was a good trait to challenge, rather. Then assume, left the conversation feeling hurt and nourished, hyped for her optimistic and self. Nervous system was chill. I'll never forget. We had that great date and we left. I don't think we kids. We didn't do anything. It was just a hug, goodbye. And we were texting briefly and then I saw him walking down the street. I was on with my mom. And instead of texting my mom saying, oh, I just walked by him, I text him. Sure did. And I had to sit there with my tail between my legs. Oh my God. I'm so embarrassed. I'm so sorry. My mom and I were talking. She asked me if I'd been on a date.

I had to play it off. But I wasn't. I wasn't doing a very good job. Then we're texting. We're having this bullshit banter. And I think after I had sent the screenshot by accident, he wrote like, hey, so sorry, been super busy. Fine.

Then I text him. And I said, hey, I'm sensing a shift in our dynamic and I haven't heard from you. So no words leads me to believe we won't be pursuing this. Am I reading that correctly? And he wrote, hey, I've had the double whammy last week emotionally disregulated from BP partner breakup and coming to terms with brutal realities and a relationship with a friend that I was relying on. I didn't expect this to happen and thought by this stage I would have gotten into a clear air, but it's still dragging me down. Having even responded to parents that I was

grieving. I thought about you this morning. Whilst I would love to hang out again, now isn't the time to be bringing into one of my life. I can't give what's needed. I wish this was a month ago and I was in relaxation autopilot business before I decided to start again. And I remember even just like, do you know how many of those I was scrolling through? Do you know how many messages I had of like, hey, that was so much fun. You're fucking awesome. How I'm so great, but I'm not feeling it. I'm just not ready. You know how many? I counted like 18. My ex came back. And I was like, of course, how convenient. Your ex just came back when you meet someone that you claim you really liked. Crazy. What small world timing. And I put that in there because, one, it was very performative, right? This person was trying to get me to like them, was trying to show up in a way. And it just wasn't really, I really should have just left it at this person's making excuses and they're not putting in the effort. But instead, I kept going. And I kept going, even though this was a guy. who ghosted me. He had said, just want to let you know, sorry things didn't go our way. The way you reacted when you were stressed. So mind you, back up. I went on a date with this guy

the night before Shark Tank or like two days before Shark Tank and I was sent home. I was sent home from Shark Tank and I went through a depression. So needless to say, when he texts me on Friday, how was Shark Tank? My response was, I didn't fucking go and I'm in a depression. And I remember he was so flippant and rude and I never like neither of us ever answered. So this was the first text from him that I got. Listen to the accountability. The way you reacted when you were stressed was just bad timing, I think. You're a good person who just has to put yourself first. Hope your clothing brain is going well and your mom's doing better. And I said, this feels random and left field. I'm sure where this came from. I hadn't spoken to him in two months. And he said, thought about you

today and felt like I needed to clear the air. And I said, that's commendable that you wanted to clear the air, but you're putting things on to me when what it was was that you weren't supporting and then bailed on planned because you were hungover. That was it. It was like the day after Shark Tank, he was supposed to see me. He was supposed to then come and meet me for coffee to talk, never showed up, called me at a three-minute conversation saying he's hung over and was upset that I was upset. These are the people that you get to walk away from because that was rejection being redirection. When something ends, look at it as the universe, God, or whoever is doing you a fucking favor to remove these people out of your life. The more you try to hold on to people,

the more you are self-abandoning, hoping you are going to get chosen by somebody else. I know it sucks. I know it feels shitty. But take the fucking shine off these people and allow people to show who they are, believe them, and put them in the right place in your life where they fucking belong. And then we're going to end it, right? Because I don't need to bore you guys with all my text. This is where I started to change the way I was dating. And you can start to see, I was recognizing the patterns, but it couldn't really break them yet. And I said to my best friend, how predictable are we? She said, it's sad. I know how I am with it, a fucking turtle. I said, it is, but I also wanted to assess his behavior to see what he does. I don't want to push for a

trip and then come back and feel shitty because he isn't proactive. I'm trying to learn. She said, yes, I agree with you. I want him to be so fucking smitten that with you that he treats you like a queen because Utah guy can never happen again to you. Told you about him. I said, yes, I deserve only that and nothing else. And no, thanks. I'm good. I don't want to be with someone who's not as stoked to see me and plan a trip as I am and spend time as I am. If he doesn't reciprocate, that's fine. I'm out. She said, yes, I completely agree. See and feel the energy in his face-time call. I said, for now I'm observing his behavior. I don't want to bring up the trip and we'll definitely see what he says and how the face time goes.

It's all me looking right now. She said, exactly, be chilled and nonchalant. It's going to motivate him. I love my best friend, but that's terrible advice. I said, yeah, I have a rule plan. If by Sunday he doesn't plan a trip or put more effort, then I'm stepping back and I'm not doing this. I'll give him the freedom in time, but otherwise, I won't waste more of my time and money. And she said, love this plan.

I said, Mama's learning. If it's not a fuck yes, it's a no, come and get it or lose it. And you know why I added that in there? That wasn't serving me. That wasn't serving me. You notice how, be nonchalant, be non-reactive, be cool. It'll motivate him more. I played a game.

And then I said, oh, well, I'll let him still do whatever he wants. you notice how I never really stood up for myself. I didn't really go, hey, this doesn't work for me. I'm out. I did when he came, and I realized that, like, it ain't it. And I'm grateful that I had that experience. But I wanted to even just show, because a lot of you guys will say, like, what's wrong with me? I know all of this. And it's like, there's nothing wrong with you, dude. You're not broken. There is nothing to fucking fix. But at the end of the day, we have to look and say, if you're struggling with texting in your dating and relationships, then we have to look at the depth and the quality of the relationships that you're having. I know for me, when I was begging people to validate me when I was hoping that they were going to answer when I was texting them 10 times in a row when I was over explaining myself because I wanted someone to see me and to validate that I mattered. I wanted to be somebody, something to somebody. And really where I learned and all of this came and how it culminated full circle was I've done all of this work. And I still felt that when I had the perception of being abandoned via text. And you notice how I didn't shame myself and blame myself. I'm not going to put myself down. I'm not going to ridicule myself because it's

part of healing. Healing doesn't mean that everything goes away. Healing means that you learn to live with these emotions and feelings and that they don't take over and you expand your window of tolerance, which is what you can allow, what you can allow before you get super dysregulated up or down. That is why we do this work. And the reason I wanted to have this episode and to share it, one, yay, we're doing a master class on this. So like, let me help you guys more in ways that you need. But two, to show you that I was where you are. You can absolutely grow, evolve, change. You just need the right tools. What are we doing when this happens? How are you showing up for yourself? How are you speaking to yourself? I know a lot of, I'll ask my clients like, what parts do you not feel lovable? And they'll be like,

well, this part and she's so stupid or they're so dumb. And I'm like, okay, and imagine if you came into our session and that's the first thing I said to you is like, you're fucking moron and you're stupid. Would you feel supported? No. So then why are you talking yourself like that? And that's what I kept catching myself when I perceived that I was getting ghosted was, hey, dude, you don't need to be an asshole to yourself. You don't need to put yourself down. You can show up for yourself without doing what your parents did to you or your caregivers or whatever it is by motivating you via shame. That hasn't worked for a long time, so why do we keep using it? Well, patterns. It's maladaptive. And the reason I wanted to have this episode is to show you you're not fucking crazy.

There's nothing wrong with you. You're a human. Texting causes anxiety for a lot of people, but what are you going to do with it? You can say, well, they're avoidant, or they're this, or they're this. You can self-diagnose. You can diagnose them. You can do whatever you want. Is that helping you? How did it help when I said, I'm fuck these avoidance. I'm done. How did that help? When that guy, on the contrary, he was the exact opposite. He wanted to genuinely, he was saying, I don't think this is going to work. And he had every right to say that because that's the point of dating. And I took that as rejection and I internalized it and fuck all these people when it was really just the guy wasn't wrong. I don't think he was. I don't think we would have been compatible. I was all right. But it took me a minute. And I just wanted everyone to know that wherever you are on the journey, whether in a relationship or single, it doesn't matter that this is really human and real. And that it's okay. That just because, because it doesn't show up with one person and it shows up with someone else doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you or that you're broken. What we need to get curious about is like, where did I learn this behavior? What is the narrative and the story that I'm creating? And if you guys want more,

come to the masterclass. Come to the masterclass. If you want to ask a question you can't. You want to write into it in the trenches if it's free and you guys are dealing with some financial shit. That's fine. There are resources for everything you guys need. I just want you to know about them. Because frankly speaking, if I don't say it, I don't do myself a service because I don't ask for my needs to be met, which are, hey, I have to keep my business going. I need you guys to comment on the podcast. Like, this is how we keep this going. And if you're happy with this, well, then here's what I need for us to continue because we're

a community. And the same goes when you need me, bitch, I'm there for you. I will always show up and have your fucking back. I need you to have yours, though. I can't be the only one. And I had to remind myself that this last week. And I love you. And I see you.

And I hear you. And I know this shit is fucked. Right? Like, I'm not dating, but friendships are tough. And you might have amazing friends and say dating is tough. That's okay. or if you have both that are shitty, that's okay. You're a fucking human,

and I think it's really beautiful and courageous that you still want to do the work and that you still want to show up and that we're still here together because I didn't give up on myself and this is where I'm at because I didn't give up on myself. And I know that you can too.

So, guys, I love you. This was so fun. I just, if you liked it, let me know if you want more of these types of episodes where they're less about teaching and giving you the neuroscience and the psychology and more about like the real shit, what I went through, how I got out of it,

experiences like I'm here. Leave a comment. Let me know. You can write into in the trenches at Sabrina Zara.com if you have an idea or if you're like, hey, here's a text chat. Like, send me the screenshots and let me help you guys in a way that maybe no one was there to help us when we needed it because you're not alone. And if you think you are, I'm here to remind you, you're not. Guys, as always, like I said, if you need anything, SabrinaZa.com, link in bio. Please don't forget, rate review the show, share it with a friend. And even if you don't like the episode, Mark it is finished. I can't tell you how much this all means for us to be able to grow this community together because my wound is that no one hears me. And so I'm trying to be heard.

But sometimes you need support in that. So thank you guys. And I love you. And I can't wait to see you next week or to see you at the master class. And if you guys are listening to this when this is done, that's okay. You can still join some stuff. There's still going to be new courses. There's still we're coming up with a going slow, intensive working with me community like cohort. I'm so excited. So listen and get ready for that in November or December. And guys, I'm just grateful. Thank you for allowing me to fucking make my dream come true, which is show up here, talk to you guys, and build this community of safety

because it's something I never had and I am over the fucking moon to be able to grow that with you and by your side as well. So I'll love you guys and I'll see you next week.