The Sabrina Zohar Show - 175: Do They Always Come Back?

Episode Date: December 5, 2025

This episode breaks down why waiting for someone to come back feels so intoxicating — and why it keeps you stuck. We unpack the psychology behind ambiguous loss, ego-driven attachment, the fantasy loops your brain clings to, and the deeper wounds waiting protects you from. If you’re torn between “I hope they come back” and “God, I hope they don’t,” this will give you clarity you’ve never had.You’ll learn how to tell the difference between missing them vs. missing the validation, why waiting functions as avoidance, what “they always come back” actually means, and the exact questions to ask yourself if they do reappear.If you’re tired of living in the “maybe,” this episode will hit home.Struggling in dating? Change the way you approach every potential match in 8 Weeks with Sabrina's Healthy Dating Foundation Course HERE!Get Ad free HERE!Want to work with Sabrina? HERE!Get merch for The Sabrina Zohar Show HERE!Don't forget to follow Sabrina and The Sabrina Zohar Show on Instagram and Sabrina on TikTok! Video now available on YOUTUBE! Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formerly known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A.Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This episode is brought to you by FedEx. These days, the Power Move isn't having a big metallic credit card to drop on the check at a corporate lunch. The real Power Move is leveling up your business with FedEx intelligence, and accessing one of the biggest data networks powered by one of the biggest delivery networks. Level up your business with FedEx, the new Power Move. Amazon Presents, Laura versus fruit flies. Swarming your fruit and terrorizing your kitchen,

these little freaks multiply at a rate that would make a rabbit say, yo. Chill. But Laura shopped on Amazon and saved on cleaning spray, countertop wipes, and fly traps. Hey, fruit flies, your baby boom ends here. Save the Everyday with Amazon. Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zofa Show. My name is Sikina Zohar and I am your host. Hi, babes. Happy December or whenever the fuck you're listening. Welcome. I'm excited, guys. So welcome to another part of our series. And this is how we're wrapping up the end of the year. And today we're going to talk about, do they always come back? And even if they do, what do you do with it and how you can finally move on? Because remember, we're going towards the end of the year. We're going to let go. And then in the new year, we're going to rebuild. So I'm super stoked. Guys, thank you guys. As always, if you need anything, everything's in the link in the You want to join a course, work one-on-one, ask a question, or just download a free guide.

We're here for you, babies. And all I ask is, please don't forget to rate and review the show and just speak with kindness. That's the only thing I'm asking. You don't have to love it. That's okay. But you get to make a choice, and so do I. And I don't have to accept that bullshit. So just a preface.

All right, babes. Without further ado, let's get right on into it, shall we? Hi, friends. Welcome back. Happy Friday. Oh, I love this series. I'm really stoked on it because I love getting us ready for the end of the year. And do they always come back, right?

We hear this all the time. And I've had my fair share of videos that do well when I'm like, if they know, you know, do they always come back? Get better boundaries. Okay, not wrong. But I wanted to go into more of the psychology and more understanding. What do you actually do with it and how we can set you up for the end of the year so that we can let go of it no matter what.

But let's get personal. I, babies, I am still, you can even hear. I had COVID. We didn't know it. We tested negative for it. So we were like, okay, I guess it's not. And then my doctor a week later was like, guess what you had. It was like, awesome.

And it humbled the fuck out of me. It really did because I couldn't create, I couldn't do anything. I like felt, you know, it forced me to slow down. And that was really tough for me because I equate productivity with worth. And if I'm not doing my job and I'm not doing well. And that's been 2025 in a nutshell. Like this has been a very tough year. And I've shared with you guys. Like I am in the process now of I'm rebuilding me. And if that means that anybody that listened to me initially is leaving, that's okay. I am no longer. doing everything I can to keep everyone in the world into my ecosystem. Now I want to build a community. Now I want to continue to build a community of safety, of love, of support. And that includes how we speak to each other. That is why I'm always big on the, hey, watch how the fuck we comment and what we say. You don't have to like something. You don't have to like the ads.

You can fucking pay for it. You don't have to like an episode. You can just move on with your life. But you don't need to put your negativity into everybody else simply because you just don't like something. So you can say you don't like it. that's fine, but we have to learn how to talk to each other. And I think that's an art that has been lost, not just with the comments that I get, but in general, right, whether that be communicating, whether that be talking to an ex or somebody new. And like, that's why I chose

this episode was because I want us to finally let go of the shit we don't need to carry with us. I'm struggling with that too. I've seen my entire business shift this year. I saw everything that we did last year isn't working. Socials are different this year. Content is different. Getting audience. Everything is different. And I could either sit and say, whoa, me and nothing is ever working and I'm never or I could take these opportunities and say, what is this teaching me about myself and how can I rise? How can I keep going? And if there comes a day where I can't keep going, I'll be honest with myself about that. But that day has not come. So I'm excited. I'm stoked. We have some new stuff coming and hopefully by now you guys are

watching this on Spotify, which is something that we're working on to just incorporate more and give you guys more of what you want. So thank you guys. But let's get into the episode because I think it's really important for us to talk about the important stuff that we're going to. So there's a thing that happens at the end of the year where people start to reach out. You might get that I've been thinking about you text. The New Year's, Hey, Stranger, and I know what you're thinking. See, I knew they'd come back. But here's what I actually want to talk about today. Why are you waiting in the first place? Truly, why are you waiting in the first place? I got a text the other day out of nowhere.

And it's like, you know, you see the number. And it was, how is Sabrina doing on Halloween? And I was like, who is this? So I went in my old phone. I got a new iPhone. So I went into my old phone and I typed in the number and the chat came up. And it was a dude I matched with in 2022, the beginning of 2022. We're talking three and a half years later, who I never met. We just, like, I think we FaceTimed. And I remember just thinking, you know, like you get a vibe from someone and you're like, nah, I'm good.

And then that person reached out three and a half fucking years later to ask how Sabrina was doing on Halloween. Fine, thank you. Me and my partner and our awesome costume are doing great. Thank you. I didn't answer. I just moved on with my life. But I really wanted us to talk about that.

because I know a lot of you guys had written in, and if you want to, the Sabrina Zohar show on Instagram, you can write in questions when I do the question box, baby, so follow along if you haven't already. But some of the questions you guys ask is, how can I differentiate between actually wanting them back and my ego wanting them back? What if you're stuck between being terrified they won't come back and terrified they will? What are tips to let go and stop hoping and overthinking the passer? How do I know if they come back is not another round of bullshit? And it's real. The real question isn't, will they come back? Some do, some don't. Honestly, that doesn't fucking matter. The real question is, why are you putting your entire life on hold waiting to find out?

So today we're talking about what waiting actually does for you psychologically and why it's not hope it's actually avoidant. So this is episode two of the clarity series dating with intention. And this is going to sting, but I think you need to hear it. And I was her. I used to hope like, oh, maybe they'll come back for me. Because why? Because why? Well, let's look at underneath the hood, right? I was always hoping that they're going to realize that I'm worthy. They're going to realize I'm deserving. They're going to realize that I'm the most amazing person that they ever had because that gives me worth. That makes me feel validated and that makes me feel like I am worthy of something. Because if they leap, but they come back for me, similar to my childhood. I was always hoping maybe

my dad's going to realize. Maybe my dad will see what an amazing kid I am. Maybe my dad will realize the family that he had. And it's wild as I say that I can feel the tears welling up underneath the hood. I can feel myself going as my voice wanted to crack because that's what makes me even realize even more. Like this has nothing to do with these fucking people. This has to do with being that child that feels like no one's ever going to come back for them. And maybe now you could be that person. Maybe. Sorry.

I also got distracted by, if anybody's watching, the Sabrina's a harshout candle. I wish you guys could smell it. Don't forget, we only have three pullovers left if you guys want merch. We're making a new round. We're not making the same prints. We're going to do something new. But grab them before they're gone. Sorry.

Shameless plug. Okay. Let's talk about the psychological function of waiting. So what waiting actually gives you, waiting isn't passive. And I know a lot of us might think like, I'm not doing anything. It's an active choice that serves a psychological function. and here's what you're actually doing. So the first thing, a sense of control. If I just stay ready, I won't miss my chance. You think if you keep yourself available, if you keep the door open, if you keep hoping, you'll be prepared when they realize what they lost. But you're not controlling anything. You're just giving them all the power. And that's what I meant by, so then it's about them realizing what they lost. So it's about us. It's not actually about them. The second thing it gives you, it gives you about them. The second thing it gives you a identity around. I'm the person who's waiting for X to come back. This becomes who you are, the one who got left, the one who's still holding on, the one who hasn't moved on. It gives you a story. And as painful as that story is, it's also familiar. Then you're the little girl that's like me waiting for

a dad to come back and get her. The third thing it gives you is protection from actually grieving if they might come back. You don't have to fully accept it's over. So that's the big one. It keeps you in the maybe zone. And as long as there's a maybe, you don't have to feel the full weight of the loss and you get to stay in denial and call that shit hope. It's not. And it's funny, I used to say to my mama, I hope. And she would say, I don't hope, I believe. And I was like, oh, no, you might look at me and be like, that's stupid. Sure, you're allowed to believe that. But she's right. hope and insinuates that maybe you don't actually believe it's there. And I used to be like, I hope, I hope, I hope. And then I realize I'm like, no, I believe. I do. I believe that this is out there

for me. I believe in my heart and in my soul that that's going to happen for me. I'm not hoping that it will. I believe and I know that it will. So maybe we can reframe. Now, fourth thing, is a reason to not risk again. I can't date seriously because what if they return? It's the perfect excuse to stay safe. You're not actually available to anyone new because you're still emotionally reserved for someone who chose to leave. The last thing, it's the illusion of unfinished business. It keeps the story alive. As long as the story is alive, so is the connection. You're waiting for them to come back so you can feel worthy again. But think about what that means. You gave someone who left you the power to fucking determine your value, and now you're organizing your entire healing around

if they change their mind. That's not love, baby. You're just fucking abandoning yourself. We had talked about this on another episode, but we're going to go into it. Research on Ambiguous loss. So Pauline Boss's Ambiguous Loss theory. So when you don't have closure, you experience frozen grief, and that is unable to fully mourn because the loss isn't definitive. So waiting becomes and keeps the loss ambiguous. They're gone, but they're not gone. So it's over, but it's not over. And your brain can't complete the grieving process when you're living in that limbo. Think about it. When someone dies, you grieve. It's painful, but it's very clear. They're not here anymore. When someone breaks up with you, but you keep waiting for them to come back, you can't grieve

because you keep telling yourself it's temporary. And that's what I've been learning about the brain. Our brain wants to close the loop. Our brain wants to have finality. Our brain wants to be able to say. And a lot of the things that we go over is about us rigging the system. It's about us trying to trick our brain so that we can actually start to move forward and have progress

because a lot of this is just repatterning and conditioning. So there's a study done in 2011 called the future self continuity. So people who can't envision their future self without someone else show less capacity for present decision making. You're stuck because you literally cannot see a future where they're not in it.

So every time you try to imagine next year, they're there. So you can't make a decision about your actual life because you're living in this hypothetical where they return. And I lived in that for a minute. When my ex left, I didn't even want to make plans for that week because I was like, but what if he calls? What if he wants to come back? What if he wants to talk? I kept the schedule open. And so I wasn't able to move forward. And I had to reframe and look at things. I hear this all the time from you guys. But this makes me sad and this and I can't go here because it makes me remember

them. Then you got to reframe what those meanings are. You have to reestablish new memories. When I to New York, I cried everywhere I used to walk with Clem. But does that mean I just didn't do it? No, that meant that I had to reframe and say, well, those were, that was then and that was a really beautiful time, but now I'm back with my partner or now I'm back older in a different environment. There are certain songs, you're right, I just can't listen to. But there were certain ones where I'm like, no, I'm not going to let this person take that away from me. So there's also a study called the uncertainty effect. Study show people prefer negative certainty over positive certainty. what the fuck does that actually mean? We'd rather know it's over than live and maybe. But when you create

the maybe by waiting, you're choosing the pain. You're picking uncertainty and then wondering why you're anxious all the fucking time, right? You think you're being patient or lawyer or keeping your heart open, but what you're actually doing is you're refusing to grieve. Because if you fully accept it's over, if you actually fucking let go, then you have to feel the full weight of the loss and that's terrifying. So you wait. And it's not just because you have hope, because you have fear. And that's where I would even start to get really, really curious with yourself. What are you scared of happening if you let them go. What are you scared of happening? That you're not going to have anything else? Okay, but did you have anything with them? I hear that all the time. Then I'll be alone. It's like,

but weren't you? Weren't you? Right? They're not here. What's different besides just this dopamine addiction to them? But what makes them so special that you can't fucking move on or that you're hoping they're going to come back? Because very rarely do people change. And if they come back with actionable steps and tools, I'm open to a conversation. Let's go into closure. I think closure is the biggest fallacy and myth. And we've talked about it on the show before, but let's talk about it in this context. So one of you guys had written and asked, how can I differentiate between actually wanting them back and my ego wanting them back? That's the fucking question. That is the question, and here's how we're going to differentiate. So your ego wants them back when. You imagine them

realizing they made a mistake. You fantasize about them seeing you thriving and regret it. You want them to feel what you felt. You want to be chosen after being rejected. The fantasy is about you winning, not about the actual relationship. Do notice how it's about how you would feel, not about the connection. That's how you know it's out of ego. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. That just makes you a human. I know. You might not want to hear that. But that's just the reality. You're not fucked up and you're not that you're just a human. Now, you actually want them back for them when you can name specific things about the relationship, not the person that you miss. So it's not just, oh, well, you know, they were really cool. It was like, no, I felt really

seen heard and understood. I felt really safe when I was with them. I missed the times when we would sit on the couch and laugh for hours. But then we have to look and go, but was that consistent. Or was that just when they were showing up or when they were in a good mood? Okay, well, that's the difference. So you've thought about what would need to change for it to work. Okay, so then maybe you genuinely do want the relationship back. You're willing to have the hard conversations about what broke you up. You want them, not just anyone and not just to be alone. It's not just about, but then I won't meet anybody else, or I'm to be single forever. Well, then it's not about them. You can see the real version of them, flaws included, and you still want it. And here's the brutal fucking truth. Most of the time is your ego, because you don't miss them. You miss feeling wanted by them. You don't want the relationship, you don't want to feel rejected. And that's why waiting feels so seductive,

because waiting lets you believe it's about love when it's really about validation. Waiting allows you to stay in this. I will be chosen. I will be picked. And that's just reaffirming your core beliefs of, see, if I just act in a certain way, they will come back for me. They're going to realize what they missed. They're going to realize what they lost. And the fantasy you're actually waiting for, you're not waiting for them. You're waiting for a specific scenario. So write it down. Write that exact scene. What do they say? How do they show up? What happens? I used to do that. I'd be like, okay, I would like create these fucking narratives and stories. Like I would literally be walking down the street and I would create this. I would envision like they're going to see me at the gym

and he's going to come up and talk to me and we're going to realize that we were right for each other and it's like, and now that ever happened. But maybe the example is they text me and say they made the big mistake of their life. They tell me they've been miserable without me. They say they've done the work and they changed. They beg for another chance. I make them wait a little bit to prove themselves. And then when we get back together, it's perfect. Is that sound familiar? Now I want you to ask yourself, even if that exact scenario happened, what would actually need to change for it to work? Because here's what you need to fucking hear, and I'll say it bluntly. Even if they come back and said everything perfectly, it wouldn't heal what you think it would.

It wouldn't. Because you think you're waiting for them to come back, but what you're really waiting for is you're waiting for validation that you were worthy of being chosen. Proof that you weren't the fucking problem. An apology that makes the pain makes sense and go away. Evidence that the relationship meant something. Permission to stop feeling bad about yourself. And the reality is even if they come back and said everything perfectly, it wouldn't heal that because again it's not about them it's about what they're leaving confirmed about the

belief that you already had about yourself i'm not good enough i'm replaceable i'm not worth fighting for love always leaves so you're waiting for them to come back and disprove those beliefs but they can't only you can do that you don't miss them you miss the feeling of being wanted by them you don't want the relationship you want to not fucking feel rejected and if the fantasy involves them realizing they made a mistake that's your ego if the fantasy involves them seeing you thriving that's your ego If the fantasy is about you winning, that's your ego. Waiting isn't about love. It's about validation. And now you can create your own fucking closure without them. So new research, something called the redemption narrative trap. So research on narrative psychology shows people create redemption scripts where pain is redeemed by reconciliation. But that keeps you trapped in a story that requires their participation to have happy ending. Your healing is hostage to someone else's choice. And that's why I'm saying closure is a myth. They don't tell you it's time to move on. You. You. make that choice. And there's something called the self-concept maintenance theory. When someone leaves, it threatens your sense of self. So waiting for them to return is an attempt to restore yourself

concept rather than build it independently. You're not waiting for them. You're waiting for the version of yourself that felt whole when they wanted you. But closure isn't something someone gives you. It's something you give yourself by accepting reality and choosing to move forward anyways. You're waiting for permission you already fucking have. And I really genuinely used to believe, no, if I hear them say it, it will make it all go away. Hence my texting. The ride that steals the spotlight every time it hits the road, that's the Volkswagen Tiguan. Its sleek exterior makes a first impression you can't ignore.

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WestJet, where your story takes off. I don't know if you saw a few weeks ago, episode 168, all about my texting and the anxiety that I had and why I would spiral on all of those things. none of that any of the interactions I had with those people had nothing to do with them it had nothing to do with them or the situation had to do with me wanting to be chosen me wanting to not be abandoned me trying to live out the things I couldn't live out with my father with other people and now you get to give yourself permission to say I want to move on I don't want to keep doing this I even found like I found a new therapist and I'm so excited for my session with her and the reason I did that was because I said I'm done with this I'm done feeling this way what's in my control and in my power what do I actually get to do for my life and not just, oh, guess that's it. No, I want to move on. I want to let go with things. Imagine if I came to and was like, I'm waiting for the guy that told me to change the name that he's going to tell me I don't have to. Imagine if I said that. You would look at me and be like, Zohar, are you okay? Like, are you good, girl? Like, have you faced reality yet? And you would not be wrong about that. That's how it sounds when a lot of you guys are like, they're going to

come back. They always come back. And it's like, yeah, but that doesn't necessarily mean anything's changed. What if you're stuck between being terrified? They won't come back and terrified they will. That was a question you guys asked. So this is ambivalence that keeps you frozen and it's actually telling you something important. You're terrified they won't come back because that makes the rejection real and final. You have to accept you weren't chosen. You're terrified they will come back because deep down, you know nothing has fucking changed and you'll be right back in that same dynamic that broke you the first time. You know it didn't work. You know it probably wouldn't work again. But accepting that means accepting loss and waiting lets you avoid that acceptance. But here's what ambivalence is really saying. I don't actually want them back. I want to not hurt. hurt anymore. And waiting gives you something to do with that hurt. It organizes it. It gives you

direction and purpose. I'm waiting. It's easier than I'm grieving. But what you're actually doing is you're avoiding. You notice how I've always said that anxious folks are also avoidant. Anxious folks are also avoidant because we're avoiding doing the deeper work that we need to do on ourselves in order for us to either move on, have this, do that, X, Y, or Z. So what you're actually avoiding is the grief is accepting it's really over. Waiting keeps one foot in denial. Maybe protects you from never because then you have to actually face that. You are avoiding building a life without them in order so that you can keep a seat at the table empty. That way, there's always the, maybe, because everything is on pause while you wait because

your life is a waiting room apparently. And now who knew that you're just the fucking, the doctor's office for everybody to come into? You're also avoiding to take responsibility for your next chapter. It's easier to wait for them than to actively rebuild because waiting is passive and healing requires action. So if I just sit and wait like a child, as a kid, I had to wait. I didn't have a choice. What else was I going to do? Go find my father. But now I can be an adult and I get to have action and oriented. I get to actually do things that I'll bring me closer towards my goals. You're also avoiding the vulnerability of trying again with someone new. What if I get hurt again? Well, waiting protects you from that risks. You also get to avoid confronting what the relationship

revealed about your fucking patterns. If you don't move forward, you don't have to change. You can stay exactly as you are and blame it on waiting. And then you guys have heard me talk about some cost fallacy in relationships. You've already invested time, energy, emotion, all this. So letting go feels like you're admitting it was all wrong. So you wait. You think maybe if you wait longer, maybe if you invest more, it'll somehow change the outcome. But you're just throwing good time after bad. Three years of loving someone who couldn't love you back doesn't mean you should add a fourth year of fucking waiting. It means you deserve to stop spending time on something that isn't growing. Stop calling it loyalty and stop calling at hope. You're not waiting because you love them. You're waiting because if you stop, you have to

admit it's really fucking over. And admitting it's over means you have to grieve. And grieving means you have to feel the full weight of the fact that they chose to leave. So you stay in the maybe. You stay in the what if because waiting gives you something to do with the pain that doesn't require you to actually fucking face it. Now let's talk about the science behind that. Goal disengagement. People who can't let go of unattainable goals show higher rates of cortisol and health problems. What? Is that, are you talking to me? I didn't even really. So your body is keeping score of this weighting. So the chronic stress of living in maybe the constant low-level anxiety of what if, it's literally making you fucking sick. Now go back and listen to the episode with Sarah Zol, the physiology of anxiety. I hope that

You guys listen to all the episodes. I hope that you listen to them, not just because I'm asking you, too, but because there's a method to the madness. There's a reason I create episodes. And it bums me out sometimes, and I'll be like, wow, 15,000 people decided that they didn't like that episode last week. Because then we listen and we're like, everybody loves it. Everybody is raving about that.

But yet a lot of people, no, I don't need that. But I think you're missing on the healing, on the growing on that. That's why Sarah and I talk about cortisol and what anxiety manifests in your body and how it can manifest in you being sick. your nervous system can't relax when you're perpetually braced for them to either return or not return. You're living in a state of suspended anticipation. And you have to talk, like, listen, we had a couple weeks ago. Am I ruminating or am I spiraling?

Well, let's talk about rumination versus reflection. Waiting often involves that obsessive thinking about what if scenarios. So you're not processing. You're mentally rehearsing a future that doesn't exist. And every time you run into that scenario in your head, you're strengthening the neural pathways that keep you stuck. And that's a reality. It's not helping you. That's why overthinking isn't you.

you being thorough. Overthinking is usually a sign that you don't trust yourself, and that's why you're going over and over and over because you don't trust your gut that no matter what you'll be okay that you'll figure it out. So one of you guys had asked tips to let go and stop hoping and overthinking the past. Well, here's what won't work, telling yourself to just let go. That's like telling someone just fall asleep every time they're trying to go to bed. It's going to make it worse. So you're going to give you a couple of tools. Now, again, if you guys want more, come join a course and we will have so much more for you guys. And that's a boundary I've had to set. And I'm just going to be fully transparent with you. Like, I am running a business. And I've had to start to come of like,

not everything can be a podcast. Not everything can be. I listen to this and I had a kumbaya. Like some things we do need to actively work on now. If you're in therapy, fuck yes. Please keep going. Don't stop seeing your therapist. Do all the things. But if you need more, we do have those resources. Everything is at the link in bio. And if not, I'll give you a few on the episodes. But it's just about me being realistic with you guys that I can't give everything in 35 or 40 minutes and then have fucking people complain about the ads. I just, it's, it's really hard for me. And I again, instead of me telling myself to just get over it, I'm naming it. I'm frustrated. That's really hard for me. And I'm here to give you guys what you actually need. And you just let me know if you need more.

But it's just not all going to be on the podcast. So name it to tame it. Stop calling it hope and name it accurately. I'm afraid to accept that this is over. I'm holding on to grief. I'm waiting because it feels safer than moving on. Awesome. Thank you for being honest about yourself. The second thing. Get specific about the fantasy. I want to you to write down exactly what you're hoping for right like i said they're going to come back for me they're going to realize that they fucked up all of those things then read it out loud hear how it sounds to you when you say it to yourself and then three ask what would i do differently if i knew for certain they're never coming back what i do differently i want you to start doing those things i don't want you for wait for certainty

to live your fucking life next i want you to notice what waiting is costing you is it costing you is it costing you present moments your energy your peace write it down make the cost visible i haven't eaten in them three I've lost the drive to go out with my friends. I don't even want it, whatever it is, it's okay. And now maybe we can build a future self that doesn't include them. And that's the hardest one. I want you to literally visualize your life in a year. Where do you live?

What do you do? Who are you with? What makes you happy? And none of it includes them. I want you to do that daily. We have to train your brain that there's a future where you're okay without them. Because understanding why you're waiting, the psychological function it serves, where you're avoiding what beliefs it protects, that's deep work.

It requires looking at your attachment patterns. It requires your relationship and to look at your relationship with uncertainty, your loss of fear and what you're actually afraid of. We can then scratch the surface here. But excavating that fully, that's what changes everything. That's where our deeper work starts to come in. We talked about, you know, do they always come back? Not always, right? They don't always come back.

And I don't give a shit if they do or not. Right. That's why we were saying maybe the question is instead of why do they always come back, what about this is keeping me waiting? what about what is this saying about me so now let's talk about what if they do come back right like someone had asked how do I know if they're coming back is not another round of BS if it's real okay so maybe they do come back maybe that text comes maybe they show up and here's what I need you to know the fact that they come back absolutely means nothing what matters is what has changed that's all I care about because someone had asked early in my live the person I was with and the person that ghosted

me came back and I gave them a second chance and they're more disrespectful than before why and I was like, no, I'm not answering the why. I don't give a fuck about the why. Why are you allowing it? Why are you accepting it? Somebody comes back. I'm sorry, changed, but words without change behavior is manipulation. I don't need somebody to come back and give me lip service and ain't shit fucking changed. So, before you respond, maybe you like take a minute. You don't respond immediately. It's not about, oh, well, you know, I want to play a game. No, no, no. It's about giving your nervous system time so that you can get curious and ask, maybe take 24 hours and ask yourself, what specifically has changed, not feelings, behavior, not I miss you, what actions have been taken, what work has been done, what's different about the circumstances that you broke up with. If nothing external has changed their life, their situation, their emotional availability, their capacity for the relationship, then nothing about your relationship is going to change either. My mama has always said when I'd be like, we're getting back together and she would say, you can't get back together. What you had didn't work. You're starting anew. And so we need to vet. If you're starting new, does it work for you? Second thing I want you to ask, what?

did I learn while they were gone? Did you grow or did you just wait? Am I different or am exactly where I was when they left just more desperate? I remember when the conventionally handsome guy and I were dating and after nine months and I told you guys about that, I had reached out to him and the way he responded, I instantly saw, I was like, oh my God, nothing's changed and I never went out with him and I met Ryan three months later because I made room for somebody that I actually deserve, that deserves me and I stopped trying to make this person that on paper was everything I wanted. He didn't have a lick of shit of being the man I needed. And that's okay. I'm not talking shit about anybody. It's not about putting people down, but it's also about saying I was waiting for something and then realized I had changed. I had become a different version. And then the third thing I want to ask, do I want this person or do I want to not be rejected? Brutally honest answers. Is this about them or is it about getting to win after losing? And now I want you to ask, am I responding from scarcity or abundance? Are you thinking, oh my God, they came back? Here's my chance. Or are you saying, interesting, let me see if this is actually something I want. They came back. Congratulations. Now you get to find out if anything

actually changed or if you're just reentering the same relationship that already failed once. Like my mama says, you don't get back together. You start anew because what you had didn't work. So here's what I need you to know. I miss you means nothing. I mean jack shit. I made a mistake. doesn't mean shit. What matters is what did they do while they were gone? Did they go to therapy? Did they work on the stuff that broke you up? Can they name specifically what they do differently? if all they have and all they're giving you is feelings and words and I miss you and I think you're about to waste more time on someone who still isn't fucking ready because baby nothing changes if nothing changes. So let's start to look at what change versus what they say. What they might

say is like, I've been thinking about you. I made a mistake. I miss you. I've changed. I want to try again. Cool. Now look at their life. Did they go to therapy? Did they work on the shit that they said they needed to? Did the circumstance that caused the breakup actually change? Have they demonstrated sustained change over time or is this the same fucking momentary feeling that they they chase, can they articulate specifically what went wrong and what they do differently? If they can't answer the last one clearly and specifically, they're not fucking ready. They're just lonely, nostalgic, or they miss the version of you that made them feel good about themselves.

So I want us to kind of look at a timeline here. And again, none of this is set in stone. But usually in the first one to two weeks, we start to go in like, they're not coming back. You're in crisis mode. And so are they, right? You're both kind of dealing with the ending of things. We just see everybody handles it differently. Man, everybody, but, you know, most people.

In the first one to three months, you might hear from them. You're not, right? You're starting to heal and that's like a threat to them. Six plus months. If they return now, I want you to pay attention to what changed. A year plus, this might actually be something different, but we need to verify. Especially if it's like at the end of the year, the holidays, right, that like nostalgia spike right now, right? They come back around Thanksgiving, family pressure, loneliness, Christmas, it's nostalgia, traditions you shared, new years, fresh start, reflections, what if.

Birthday is an anniversary. This isn't growth. This is calendar triggered emotion. So watch for your January 2nd when feelings wear off. I've had that. I've had so many dudes come back right before the new year and then afterwards. You know, I realize I'm actually not ready. And I'm like, fuck you. Because to me, the only response that matters is if they come back and you're actually considering it, here's what you say. Hey, I appreciate you reaching out. And I need to be honest. I'm not the same person I was when we ended it. I've done a lot of work on myself. And I'm clear about what I need in a relationship. Before we talk about trying again, I need to understand what specifically has changed for you. What work have you done? and what would be different? Because here's the reality, baby. If they can't answer that clearly and specifically, you have your fucking answer. If they get defensive or make you feel crazy for asking, like, you know, or you say like, I don't want to put pressure on it, run, baby. The only acceptable response is you're right. You're right to ask that. And here's what I've learned and here's what I'd like to do different with specifics. That's why I'm saying when I had reconnected with that guy,

even my ex. Oh my God. The biggie, the one I talked to you guys about. When we reconnected, it was still how everything was everybody else's fault. And he, no work had been done. And that was where I had needed to stop and be like, hey, this is probably not healthy for you. And here's what you might even even realize, even if they come back exactly as you hoped, you are different now. I fucking hope. You spent weeks or months or years waiting. That changed you and maybe not in a good way.

You've been holding onto a pattern. You haven't been building your life. You've been organizing everything around this maybe. So even if they fucking return, you're not who you were. And the relationship can't be what it was. You have to build from scratch, which means starting fresh with someone who's already left you wants with all the scar tissue and mistrust that comes with that. Is that really what you want? Or do you just not want to feel rejected anymore? Start to get curious. Because, you know, if you're the

same person that you were when they left, so then have you grown? Have you evolved? Have you changed? You have. You're here with me right now. So I know you have. So then what makes you want them back or what makes you think it'll be anything different? So before we end, I want to get really clear on something. What are you going to carry into 2026? Are you carrying the hope that they'll come back? Are you carrying the waiting? Are you organizing your healing around someone else's fucking potential choices? Are you choosing yourself? Because here's what I know.

If you don't want to stop waiting, you're going to waste 2026 the way you fucking wasted the end of 2025 or most of it. You're going to look up next December and realize you spent another year in the waiting room of your own fucking life. And now that you know that waiting is about you, not them, here's what we're going to tackle next week in episode three. So as we're moving into the new year, you're probably wondering, well, fuck, do I need to be fully healed before I should date again?

Should 2026 be my year of self-work? Well, that's episode three. Do you need to be fully healed to date again? And let's talk about that. Because I'm about to tell you why that might be another way you're hiding and what's going on to not waste your fun time. So instead of asking, are they going to come back for me? Do they will they come back? Do they always come back? How can I get them back? How can I want you to ask, what am I avoiding by waiting? And I want you to journal those answers. And I want you to fucking be honest because that's where the real work is when you're real with yourself, when you're honest with yourself. I can't tell you how many clients I have when I challenge them. And I see the fuck you're right or God, I see what you're doing here. And I love those moments. because I'm not trying to be a dick or an asshole. I'm trying to help you guys. And what that means is we got to look at the narrative, the stories, and the fucking verbiage that we use for ourselves. I know I can be jarring. And I know I can piss people off. And that's totally okay. But I also know what I'm doing is helping. And that's my only goal. So what do you want to let go of? What do you want to bring back? When do you want to bring into the next year? I'm telling you right now, what am I letting go of? That the podcast is never going to be the same. It's not. It will never be what I had. It will never be the same. But that just means I get to, not need to, I get to grow something new. We get to grow something new. So what are we going to do?

Drop it in the comments. I want to fucking see. I love when you guys comment. I love it. I respond to as many of them as I possibly can because I care about you guys. I want to know. What are you letting go of? What are you going to leave behind so that we can move forward and build the life you

fucking deserve? Because you deserve only that. Babies, you know I'm here if you need anything. You want to work one-on-one, ask a question, whatever it is. everything's link in bio. Don't forget. We have our bonus episode every single month. I know some of you guys don't even realize in the trenches where I answer questions. I go over profile audits. It's just our time to Kiki and be together and be more girl boy, you know, girlfriend, boyfriend, type thing where we get to hang. And then we have our Friday episodes. But I'm open if you guys

want any specific episodes. Drop them in the comments. Let me know. And if it exists, I'll let you know where to find it. But we're in this together, bibs. And I really hope that you know that you are not alone and we are going to shed the bullshit in 2025, but baby like a Phoenix rising, we're going to fucking rebuild in 2026. I love you guys. Thank you for everything. Don't forget rate and review the show. Follow along, subscribe, all that fun stuff. And I will see you again next week.