The Sabrina Zohar Show - 18: Pt 1 Dating Buzzwords- Ghosting, lovebombing, gaslighting, orbiting and future faking

Episode Date: May 19, 2023

On this weeks episode of The Sabrina Zohar Show, Sabrina goes head in on part 1 of dating 'buzzwords.' Ghosting, orbiting, gaslighting and future faking. She dissects what each one means and the reasoning behind it! Want to work with Sabrina? HERE! Stuck After the Podcast? Master Implementation in 8 Weeks with Sabrina's Foundation Course Join the Make It Make Sense: Getting Through a Breakup course HERE! Get Ad-free episodes and 2 Bonus episodes a month HERE! Dont forget to follow Sabrina and The Sabrina Zohar Show on instagram and Sabrina on Tik tok! Video now available on YOUTUBE!  Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formally known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A.Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, hello, hello. And welcome to another episode of Do the Work podcast. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. Guys, episode 18, bananas. But I'm so excited. This is going to be a good one. We're back to a solo episode. Sometimes I just think got to go back to home base.

You know what I mean? So it's going to be part one of dating buzzwords. So on this episode, we're going to go over ghosting, love bombing, gaslighting, orbiting, orbiting, and future faking. To be exact. Guys, I am so excited. there are so much good information. I can't wait to share it with you. Don't forget, Part 2 will be out in a couple of weeks where we'll go over even more. But for now,

let's get right on into it. All right, guys, another week. I am so excited. I can't. I don't even think words can describe how much I love this podcast and how much I love doing it, how much it means to me. You know, it's just, it's growing exponentially. Thank you to all of you guys who share it with your friends, who give it five stars on Spotify or Apple. honestly, I truly can't thank you enough. And please continue to do so. Share it with your friends. Tell everybody you know about it. Do the work podcast on Instagram or my TikTok, Sabrina Zohar. And it can, it just helps more than I think you guys can know. So thank you, thank you, thank you.

And I'm just so excited for all of these exciting things that are going to come up. And as always, I will link everything in the show notes. But if you need anything from me one on one or to talk to me or to ask me a question, you know you can always find that in the stand store. So don't ever feel alone, I am always here for you guys. But let's talk. I get more questions than I think I even know what to do with about all of the buzzwords. And so I figured, let's just like combine them all into one so that we can really start to chip away at what each one means. And what I've done is I found, I spent two hours last night investigating and studying and getting the right definitions and understanding psychology behind everything because I wanted to make sure that I came equipped with

fucking knowledge for you guys. So I think where I'd like to start is guys at, uh, at ghosting. To me, I think ghosting is one of the most talked about things. And I think, honestly, too, ghosting is one of the most misunderstood terms because people use it for all different things that are honestly incorrect. So what is ghosting? So the actual definition of it is abruptly ending communication with someone without explanation. So how does that apply to life? Now listen, if you've gone on one or two dates or three dates, We're talking early, early stages of dating before anything has been established, maybe before you've even slept together, all of those things.

I can't tell you how many people will say, oh, this person ghosted me and it's like, what happened? Well, we went on one date and I never heard from them again. It's like, no, no, no, baby, that is not ghosting. That is just somebody that didn't want to see you again. Here's the thing. Nobody owes you anything. And I think that was a hard reality for me to learn when I first started dating of like, well, why won't they tell me?

And I deserve an answer. it's like, no, bitch, you don't actually. Because you're a stranger to this person. They have no idea who you are. So, of course, they don't actually owe you any kind of explanation. Would it be nice for them to say, hey, listen, I thought you were great, didn't feel the connection? Sure. But realistically speaking, let's call it what it is right now.

Rejection sucks no matter what. Whether you are the person rejecting or whether you are the person getting rejected. It feels like shit no matter what and however you slice and dice this. So for a lot of people, especially in those early, stages of dating. To them, it's just, I didn't feel the connection. I'm going to just move on. No big deal. No harm, no foul. I think if you've slept with somebody, then that is when, like, even if it's on the first date, like, we have no shame. We are very sex positive around here. If you slept with somebody, then I think, listen, at least fucking let them know. But I wanted to just

clarify early on that just because you went on one or two dates doesn't mean that that person goes to you. What that means is that person didn't want to see you again. That's it. They weren't picking up what you're putting down. And the reason that I think I get so many, people are like, how do I depersonalize it? And it makes me feel like it's me. And it's like, you have to remember, people act in a way that is in a direct reflection of how they see themselves. So if somebody is going to go out and that's their preferred method of communication, which is not, which is just ghosting, I'd love to know, how does that have any reflection against you? Somebody cannot want to date you. That's fine. Listen, we're all adults here. But how does

their preferred method of talking or not talking to you have a direct reflection? about you. Because if we really start to chip away at it, it's like, well, what's the core narrative? What's that belief there of like, well, if I were better than they would have responded? If I were this, then they would have responded. It's like, but is there validity to that? Do you really think that somebody who chooses to ghost has the cognitive ability and awareness to even realize, oh, well, if she were prettier, I wouldn't ghost her. It's like, we all know that that's, that's not actually accurate. But as somebody for me, I've never ghosted anybody. Personally, that's just not my thing. I don't believe in it. I don't think that that's how I

would ever handle anything, even when I was dating prior to tech guy. But did I have guys that just never answered my text again? Absolutely. Totally happened. I did not internalize it as it's me. What I looked at it as is, oh, that's that person's emotional immaturity and emotional bandwidth that they can't even handle a situation like, oh, I don't know, sending a fucking text just to let me know. And then there's also this other element that especially in the early dating phases, like, and we're still talking about the early dating here, that there are a lot of people that don't handle rejection well. There are a lot of people that lose their fucking marbles on somebody.

They try the protest behavior. They will sit there and try to convince the other person. No, no, no, no, but you don't really even know me. Or there are people that will go volatile. I had that with a friend where, like, he ended it with a girl after a few dates. And she literally, to the point where he had to get a restraining order on her, because she went so bananas. And it's like, that's just there's,

have you ever noticed that there's stupid rules for things? You know, you go somewhere and you're like, who the fuck thought of this? Why would anybody do this? It's like, oh, no, trust me, they did it because, one, it was liability, but two, because somebody ruined it for the rest of us. So when I've heard that, I've talked to so many dudes

and I'll be like, why didn't you just tell her? And they're like, no, it's not worth it. Girls are fucking crazy. And it's like, no, that's not accurate. But I also understand that sentiment of like, I've had stage five clingers, where I've ended it with them and it's like they don't take no for an answer. They showed up at my house. They went bonkers. They text me a million times. I had to block their numbers. Then I felt unsafe.

And it's like there are a lot of people that don't handle rejection well. So I think when it comes to that very, very, very, very early stages of dating, I don't take that shit personally. And I would suggest not taking it personally either. Because the reason that it doesn't work out, people have a slew of them. And oftentimes these people just went on the apps. They met somebody else or they realized that this just wasn't for them. And so to their preferred method is, I'm just not going to respond to them because I don't want to hurt somebody's feelings. And I know I've been there before where I was going to end it. And I'm like, oh, I feel like such a dick. I wish this guy was so nice. I wish I liked him. And it's like, I just didn't. So then there's soft ghosting.

Soft ghosting is kind of the precursor to like a real ghost. Because I, and I'll hear this. were like, I was dating this guy for three, four, five months, and they ghost me. I was completely blindsided. And it's like, I don't know about completely blindsided. Because people show you who they are. It's just about maybe you didn't pick up on that part early on, which is okay. Nobody is blaming you. Nobody is trying to say anything.

But I think we call it what it is. Instead of being like, oh, I had no idea. It's like, I'm sure there were clues along the way, such as soft ghosting, which is like not answering texts, leaving you on red for prolonged periods of time. or ignoring the conversation about plans. Maybe they're not trying to meet friends and family. You start to pick up on the cues that this person is starting to disengage with you. So when they go, it's not a shock.

I'll hear some people and I'm like, oh, that's not surprising. Oh, yeah, that person goes to you. Well, they showed you they had the emotional maturity of a fucking paper bag. So am I terribly shocked that you'd never heard from this person again because they couldn't even handle a simple conversation of like, what are your intentions with dating or where are we going? So the soft ghosting is something to really start to even pay attention to us. Like, how are they handling conversations?

Are you starting to notice that they are stopping to answer as much? Are they putting more time in between their responses to you? Are they starting to put distance in between you? Because I can almost bet with money and certainty that that person's going to, their next move is going to be, you'll just never hear from them again. And I remember this happened with this girl I knew years ago. and she was dating this guy. They met online or whatever,

and she was moving to the city that he was in. And so she matched with him because, you know, she was there kind of setting it up, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And she, they were dating for about two months. And it was a little love bomby. I'm not going to, I'm not going to take care of you. Like when you move and I want to meet your mom when you come. And I'm going to help you move into your apartment and all that stuff.

And it was like, you know, did you've only known this guy for like a month and a half? you guys have maybe spent like 10, not even, maybe like five days together. And it felt like a little much. And then Valentine's Day came and he had planned this elaborate Valentine's Day. And she, they had talked the night before and he was like, man, I can't wait to see you tomorrow and blah, blah, blah, blah. And then the next day, she never heard from him again. Never heard from him again. Valentine's Day.

That, that's ghosting. That is ghosting. But was I terribly shocked by it? No. The guy wasn't willing to talk about emotions or feelings with her very often. He was being a little lovebony. It was a lot of, you know, texting her every single day and making her kind of, oh, I want you to meet my friends and family and all this. And I was like, yeah, did you guys barely known each other?

Was it fucked up? Absolutely. Sure enough, what happened? He started, you know, was around her social medias and stuff like that. And one day she finally called him out and was like, what the fuck happened? And he admitted he said, my ex came back. And I didn't know. I don't do well with confrontation.

And I didn't know how to handle it. So I just removed myself. And I thought it would be easier for you than telling you. And it's like, and what does that show? Emotional immaturity. That person couldn't even handle the confrontation with just ending it with somebody and hurting them that he had to recoil. That shows so much avoidance. That shows a bandwidth.

Oftentimes, too, when somebody goes to you, it's because they met somebody else. They met somebody else that they felt the feeling was stronger for. And to them it's, whatever, no big deal. The person will get the clue. that's the reality. So when it comes to ghosting, I would say, try to depersonalize it as much as you can. I know it sucks.

Now, here's the thing. If you have a pattern where people are consistently ghosting you, okay, then that's a different story. That is a different story because maybe it's people don't feel like they can be honest with you. Maybe they're scared to tell you because of your reactions and your emotions. Are you not being an adult about it? There's a very different story. But I also get to where people will say,

oh, this guy ghosted me five times. And I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you talking about? And I said, what does that look like? Well, we were texting and then he stopped answering. And then a few days later, he did the same. It's like, again, that's not ghosting. That is just somebody that stopped fucking responding to you. Very different things.

Ghosting means that everything was fine. You had no issues, no confrontation, nothing. And you literally, person disappeared. That's it. I remember the first time I ever got ghosted. I was 20. I lived in New York. And I dated this guy named Peter.

Oh. God, he was so fucking gorgeous. He was the first guy I really ever met on OKCupid. I'm aging myself now. But he was everything I had ever wanted. He was a tall drink of water. And we went on like 10 dates. And I remember I waited to sleep with him because they wanted to be a good girl. And da, da, da, da, da, da. And we had had had the conversations of talking about kind of what are we and where are we going. And he was even, he had gotten a job offer. And he was like, no, I want to stay in New York. I don't want to lose you. And I was like, okay, cool. sounds good. And I saw him that morning at like out when we were, I was walking. And I was like, oh, hey, it gives me this big kiss. Baby, I can't wait to see you tonight. We have this party. I'm so excited. And I was like, yay, I'm so excited. I went out to dinner. I took myself out to dinner that night. And I was like, hey, babe, I'm on my way. I'll see you there in a little. Mind you. I had been dating this guy for over two months. Like, we had had the exclusivity conversation.

And I never heard from that guy again. That was it. And I saw him on the streets because New York. You see people all the time. He lived in my neighborhood. That's why I was like, you're shitting where you eat. I don't understand why you do things like that. And when I saw him. I flicked him off when I walked on the street. And I even got, I screamed out and I was like, you're a fucking coward. And I got a text from him like the next day. And he's like, I'm so sorry. I owe you an explanation. It was completely cowardice what I did. I never fucking talk to that guy again. And for a while, I always thought, well, what did I do? And it's like, I didn't do anything. Me being who I am and having somebody that can't handle that or maybe it's not in alignment with what

they want, that's not my fucking problem. That's not my responsibility now. So instead of owning other people's behavior, look at it as, thanks for showing me who you are. Thanks for letting me know who you are. Because now I've also realized, I don't want to date somebody that can't even handle confrontation. I don't want to date somebody that can't even handle the basics of having a fucking adult conversation with me and their way of handling it is removing themselves or running away. No thanks.

That doesn't work for me. So I'm glad we could clarify what ghosting was properly because I think that has been a point of contention for a lot of things. I hear it all the time. So if you have somebody that's just not responding to you, that's not ghosting. That's just somebody that's not responding to you. So then let's kind of go into the next aspect of things. Orbiting.

I get this also. What's orbiting? So by definition, orbiting is when someone you are dating tells you they are no longer interested, but keeps you in their orbit by engaging with you on social media. Ah, yes, social media. And I see even now somebody's asking me, how do you handle, how do you deal with the ghosting? What I do, so just really quickly, since that is a question that I think is important to answer, you show yourself some compassion and grace.

You remind yourself that you didn't do anything to deserve this, that this is the other person. You don't take ownership of somebody else's emotions and feelings. But here's the thing. You also don't fucking bombard their phone. Don't text them. Don't call them. Don't give them the whole closure message. Guess what?

That's not going to change anything. Why are you trying to show somebody your worth that has already walked away from your worth? I'm sorry to me, when somebody ghosts, I never take them back, not even a fucking blip on my screen. And if you want, listen, if you want to say something to somebody because in your heart, gut and soul, you feel like, listen, I can't move on until I say this. Sure, you do it with zero expectations and no, and you release control to the outcome. Fine. I'm all about you doing what's good for you and that's cathartic.

But if you expect the person that hurt you to heal you, closure, nah, ain't going to happen. Not with a goaster. Not with a goaster. So I would suggest showing yourself a lot of compassion, a lot of love, and reminding yourself, this is about them. This is their insecurities. This is their bullshit. This has nothing to do with you. Okay, orbiting. So why do people do that? It's because oftentimes it's a power struggle. That's their way of letting you know, oh, I still exist. I'm still around. They could be bored. they could just be curious.

A lot of people, when they, if somebody's going to ghost you, they struggle to see you moving on because it's, well, what the fuck? No, no, you should be fawning over me. Why are you not fawning over me? So if somebody's orbiting you and they're just, you start to see it's the same thing.

Like I get, I can't tell you many people, oh, but the guy watches all my videos first. That means nothing. That is low effort. That literally doesn't actually equate to anything. And unless somebody is texting me or calling me, hey, I fucked up. Here's what I did wrong.

Here are the steps I have taken now to heal my shit. And here is how I'm going to be held accountable. And here are the changes that are going to happen in the future. Because remember, you don't get back together with somebody. That is bullshit. You started new with somebody because what you guys had didn't work. So if somebody's orbiting you, you want to set a boundary, fucking block them. What do you owe anybody?

If it makes you uncomfortable to always see their name on your phone or on your videos and you're like, God, I hate this. I don't want this person to know anything about me. get rid of them. Get rid of them. Who gives a shit? But here's a fun fact. Orbiting can also be addictive. A biological anthropologist, Helen Fisher told a magazine, brain regions associated with behavioral addiction are the same ones activated by creeping on photos of your ex. Because it becomes addicting. I don't think people really understand that just because it's a digital thing doesn't mean that that addiction can be healthy or safe. So if you're somebody that orbits or if you have somebody that's orbiting you, disengage. There is, you don't owe that person anything.

And if somebody that has told you straight up, I don't want to date you anymore, or I'm not interested in pursuing this, or I've met somebody else, fine. Listen, if you don't care that they're on their social media and you don't get, then don't. Who gives a shit? But if it bothers you, set a boundary and walk away. It's not worth it. It's not your job to convince somebody of who you are. Trust me, they've seen all your photos. You don't need to post more thirst traps. They know who the fuck you are. And if you're going to do that, listen, I'm guilty. I'm guilty of it myself. I used to post those. I used to post those photos that were super fucking hot and I'd be like, ooh, I can't wait to see them crawling back. And you know what happened? Oftentimes nothing. Sometimes they wouldn't even

respond. Or if they did, it was empty bullshit, a flame emoji. And I was like, man, now I feel stupid. Now I felt dumb because I was doing it to elicit a response from somebody else as opposed to doing it because I felt good in my body and I felt fucking like a snack and I was going to post that. No, I was doing it because I wanted somebody else to validate me. I wanted somebody else to pick me. I wanted someone to choose me. And those orbitors, they ain't the ones to do that, baby. They don't even have the balls to fucking call you or text you, let alone.

They're just fucking going on your social media, please. So I'm glad we could clarify on what a orbiter is. So now I think we're going to go on to the next one that a lot of people have asked is love bombing. Let's talk about love bombing. I don't know. Maybe this is maybe this will wrap up this episode because I, so far I've had so much fun talking about all these other things. But love bombing, let me tell you, people that love bomb have a higher propensity of ghosting than anybody else. And I'll tell you why.

So by definition, what is love bombing? It's a form of manipulative. in which someone showers another person with excessive affection, attention, praise, and praise to control or exploit them. You know what? One of the most common questions I got, so I have a Do the Work podcast, Instagram, and I ask questions. So if you don't follow, please go follow.

Do dot the dot work. Podcast. And in that, I ask people, okay, what is your number one question that you want to talk, that you want me to answer? And it was, how do you differentiate between someone's genuine interest and somebody love bombing you. Now, simply put, if you are, if you're curious about how is somebody love bombing you or how do you know the difference. So I, my favorite saying is the pinch has to match the outch. The amount of admiration, love and attention that they're giving you has to match

how long they've known you. It's the clearest, concise way to put it. And what does love bombing look like? So because I think a lot of people are also confused as to like what it looks like. So it's a lot of gifts. It's a quick rush to progress the relationship. They're always available for you. They always want to see you. After one or two dates, they're telling you, I love you, or you're my soulmate, or you're the person for me.

They're trying to, let's go away on a vacation. I want you to meet all of my friends and family. They don't take no for an answer. That's also a big thing. No, no, no, I'm going to win my girl. They want you alone. They prefer to have more alone time with you. They overcommunicate their love to you.

And that is the biggest thing. And oftentimes, who really does this a law? Narcissists. Narcissists are notorious for love bombing. The reason that they do that is because they want to disarm you. They want to get you under their thumb so that you let go of all of your boundaries and they become the center of your world. And for people that like to receive this, it's because low self-esteem. You want to believe what they're telling you.

You want to believe that somebody could feel so intensely for you. And it's the, yay, you're chasing a feeling. But here's the thing. For someone to feel all of those feelings for you, the love bombing and all of that, that takes time to develop. Falling in love with somebody doesn't happen within two or three dates. And I remember I got fucking eaten out alive for saying that constantly texting is a form of love bombing. But it is because you're overexerting.

You are trying to force a specific connection, intimacy with somebody by utilizing that. We now have technology. and this is another way of doing so. So if somebody is constantly texting you and gets upset when you don't respond, there could be some love bombing there too. And especially if it's no, but you're the one for me and you're the woman.

And I mean, I want to delete my apps after a day. It's like, yo, dude, chill the fuck out. We don't know each other. Again, the pinch has to match the ouch. They seek to quickly obtain affection and attention because then what they do is they tear their victims down by making you trust them that they have you they love you that they have your best interest right

you you know it that you're crazy about this person right but but unfortunately what happens is that's a manipulation attack and oftentimes they appear very charming they're very excited in the beginning but it starts to fade you start to realize that the emotional abuse starts to come in that then they start to chip away at you they start to feel like they own you they start to gaslight you, which is going to be our next term that we're going to go into. But it's also dopamine and endorphin that boost the experience that you're chosen. I mean, of course, who doesn't want some very lovely, super, super handsome or successful, beautiful woman or man to come and sweep you off your feet? We all want the rom-com ending, but the problem is it's very dangerous and detrimental to who you are.

because the problem is that if you disarm quickly, you set your boundaries down, oof, it's dangerous. You don't know who these people are. You've got to be very careful about that. So if somebody is coming on fucking strong. And if you, if you, like my mama always said, if they're so sweet they're giving you a toothache, that's somebody to watch out for. Because again, the pinch doesn't match the ouch. The amount of admiration they're giving you, they don't know you. Always remind yourself that. And I, know that when somebody love bombs you, it's like, oh, I really, really want this to be because you want it so bad. And I'm totally here. And I totally understand that because you're a fucking human.

But at the end of the day, at what cost? And so part of love bombing, we'll just kind of go into it, is future faking. Future faking is when someone uses a detailed vision of the future to facilitate the bonding connection in a romantic relationship. So they'll do the, I could totally see us having that house together. Oh, we would have such beautiful kids. That's future faking. That happened to a friend of motherfucker did that shit to her. And what happened? I, the minute I heard it, I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's future bullshit. Stop going so far ahead. You know what going slow means? Going slow isn't an excuse for bad behavior. Going slow doesn't mean that you just stop. You don't see each other as often or that you don't spend as much time together. Going slow just means

that you are not going to rush the stages and development of a relationship because you know that it takes time. you know that it takes bandwidth and that it takes two very willing participants that have gone through adversity, hard times, have open communication, dialogue. I mean, even me and tech guy, we're six months in. We're just now talking about moving in together. And that's like at the end of the year.

We're not even rushing that because both of us acknowledge, I don't want to rush that. I really love what's going on. I'm not trying to move too quickly. And so the future faking would be me being like, oh my God, we would have such beautiful kids. No, bitch, we ain't talking about that shit. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

First of all, I don't even know that I want kids. But second of all, I don't want to plan a future that I don't have any intentions of holding. So already talking about moving in, okay, I felt comfortable doing that because that is a check that I'm willing to cash. But if we started talking about marriage and where are we going to get married and all that stuff and oh my God, we should have a house in Spain and oh my God, we can go on vacations here, you're trying to convince somebody that you're here. And why do people accept that? And why do they receive that? Ultimately, low self-esteem.

They don't think that they are deserving of anymore. So when somebody comes in and shows it, it's, oh, great, this is what it is. And this is what I mean by that false sense of intimacy and expediting the relationship. So if you feel that the person that you're dating is moving too quickly, they're too sweet, they're giving you a too fake, it's too well rehearsed, something feels off. follow your gut. And you know what? It can be something as simple as setting a boundary. Setting a boundary. Hey, I think you're really great. I'm super excited, but I'm not trying to expedite the steps of a relationship here. No, I'm not ready to go on a vacation with you after two dates.

No, I don't want to meet your friends and family. No, I don't love you. Because those people are chasing a feeling or they're trying to manipulate. Ooh, I know. It's a lot, right? It's a lot. Um, okay, wow, we are, I'm going to go through one more. And I'm going to go through a big one here. Gaslighting. I think that's a good place. This is going to be a two-part episode and I'm fucking stoked for that. I love that. Let's talk about gaslighting, shall we? Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which the abuser attempts to sow self-doubt and confusion in their victim's mind. Let that one sink in for a second. Narcissists use this all the fucking time. because think about it, they have to alter your reality for theirs to be accurate. And that happened.

I was talking to my client the other day and she was like, yeah, I told this guy that I felt anxious about the fact that I had seen him on like the app still after we talked about it. And he told me I was crazy. I was overreacting and I was being insecure. And I was like, that's gaslighting. That person is trying to make you question your reality. Oh, yeah. And typically, gaslighters are doing this to gain control and power over another person.

They're trying to control you. That's why narcissists do this. And I remember that happened with my ex. Oh, man. Every time I'd go to him and be like, hey, you know, this really bothered me. You're like, this upset me. It would always be, here we go again. You fucking creating a problem.

Here we go. I didn't even do anything. I walked in the door and yet again, you're trying to start shit. Then I would start going, oh, my God, he's right. Oh, my God, I'm being over dramatic. Oh, my God, my needs don't matter. because then he could control me. They're trying to distort your reality.

And because you're forcing them to question their own judgment. And they need to control that. Oh, no, no, no, no. And so they're manipulating you. And they're leveraging their power. So another example is like somebody saying, are you crazy? I never said that.

Must be your memory loss. Or, oh my God, here we go. You making it up as usual. You can't remember anything, can you? They're trying to get you to alter your reality. Now here, what is not gaslighting? What is not? Somebody saying, I don't remember it happening that way.

That's not gaslighting because you can say, okay, agree to disagree. Okay, you know what? Maybe we have different perceptions of that situation. It's when somebody is trying to convince you that your perception is inaccurate. Very different. It's intentionally malice. It's invalidating the way so that you shouldn't feel that. makes you believe that you don't actually feel them or that you are the problem, not the other person.

And so then, you know, it can also start to happen. You could start to gaslight yourself. You're denying your own reality or how events happen. It stems from your own, that inner child voice, that core belief, self-inflicted. You do this to yourself because you are literally gaslighting yourself. And oftentimes, I see this all the time. Somebody will have shitty behavior and somebody will gaslight themselves. Oh, maybe I'm just overreacting. And again, I made a big deal out of nothing. And it's like, no, you're invalidating your feelings

by excusing somebody's shitty behavior. You're second-guessing your decisions. You're blaming everything on you. You can't take control 100% of things. You can't own every single thing that happens. That's just not realistic. You can only own your part. So if you feel like you've brought something to somebody

and you have validity to it, Hey, I didn't like when you said this. That was really hurtful. Somebody at all, you're crazy, you're insane, you're fucking this. Why are you doing this? Here we go again. You walk the fuck out immediately. Because your gut knows the reality of versus you starting to question your own reality.

They just won. Then there's no accountability. There's no ownership on their part. And instead, I don't want you to gaslight yourself either. I don't want you to start looking going, I knew it. I knew it. here I go again, fucking making a big deal out of something. Here I am again, being dramatic.

Because you are then telling your little you, I'm not good enough. I'm not worthy. And I'm, there's persons right. I'm the problem. The only reason you're the problem is if you keep allowing it. But otherwise, ain't shit wrong with you. So, guys, I think we're going to stop there. Next week, I'm going to do this as a two-for.

We're going to do, next time we're going to talk about stonewalling, breadcrumming. situationships, the slow fade, emotionally unavailable. We got so much more. But I like to keep them, you know, concise, bite size so that you guys don't get overwhelmed. But as always, I am beyond grateful for you guys. I am so thankful for everything. And I am so excited to continue on and to bring you guys more amazing episodes. So thank you guys again.

Again, please give us five stars if you think it's worth it. Please rate it. Please share with your friend. Follow the Instagram, do the work podcast. and as always, make sure that you are being there for yourself because baby can't pour from an empty cup. So I love you guys. And until next week, next week we have, I think next week is Lisa Holden's episode. So we're going to talk about dating apps, the do's and don'ts, everything that has to do with that. And then I'll do in a couple of weeks. We'll have the second part of this.

So again, guys, I love you. Thank you for everything. And until next time.