The Sabrina Zohar Show - 191: Why You Keep Falling For Their Potential Instead Of Who They Are

Starting point is 00:00:00 You're not actually in love with them or even into this person. You're in love with who they could be or who you want to believe that they could be. The version that shows up sometimes, the glimpse that you got on date three, the person they are when things are going well, and you've built an entire relationship around a highlight reel. And now you're devastated every time they show you the full footage. Because at the end of the day, you're not dating people. You're dating potential, and potential isn't a partner. That's just you projecting how you would either handle this or the type of love you didn't get to receive as a child that you want them to step into.

Starting point is 00:00:30 Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar Show. My name is Sabrina Zohar, and I am your host. Hello, babes. Welcome back. This is the first episode of a four-part hard truth series. And we're starting here because to me, this is the pattern underneath so many other patterns. And if you've just said, oh my God, but when it's so good, it's so good, then, baby, this episode is for you. I love a series.

Starting point is 00:00:55 Don't forget to rate and review the show, share it with a friend. And guys, that is actually the most important thing that you could do. Rating and reviewing is so helpful to me. But sharing it, letting other people know about the show. It means the world. As always, guys, if you need anything, everything will be in the link in show notes. You can work one-on-one, join a course, take the new What Type of Lover Are You Quiz and get some dating advice via email from me or just be here.

Starting point is 00:01:16 I can't tell you how much that means. All right, baby, without further ado, let's get right on into it, shall we? Hi, friends! Can I just say, and I want to start off with, I am so. So goddamn grateful for every single person that's here. I don't think words can describe it. I'm coming off the high of being on Jay Shetty. If you guys haven't listened, please go listen. And being on Hot Smart Rich with Maggie Sellers and just feeling this overwhelming feeling of love and community that we've built. Now, in the interim, have I still gotten trolls? Duh. What's new? There's always going to be people that don't like you. That means you're doing something right. But I just, I don't know, I'm feeling just so much gratitude. And I really want to, for me, for me, for me, I want to live in that. I want to show up as that. And so I'm trying. I hear you guys. I know my speech and my cadence is not for everybody. As always, you can slow down the show. You could do add free if you want. You don't have to listen. But I do hope that you guys see that when a sponsor sponsors the show,

Starting point is 00:02:12 that means that they're saying they believe in me and the audience. And that is how I can keep showing up for you guys. Otherwise, I couldn't keep doing this. So I just wanted to say thank you. And I wanted to share with you guys that you are the reason I get out of bed. And I know that might sound really dark. and you're like, God damn, all right, is that how we're starting the show? But genuinely, like, every morning when I wake up, I sometimes get really sad and I get down and I feel all of my fucking my neurotransmitters that are a little off. But then I remember my why and who I'm doing this for and it's not just you guys. It's also for me. I'm doing this for my little so that she could feel what it feels like to be herself in a safe space. And like I said, I get it, right? Like I'm not for

Starting point is 00:02:49 everybody and that is so okay. But for the ones that I are here for me, I see you. I hear you. and I fucking get it. And we're in this together. And I actually wanted to read a DM I got. And the reason I wanted to read this is because I think this is a really great way of how I explain to you guys, like what setting a boundary really looks like in the moment. And so somebody had written and said, you're perfect and amazing. All I want to say is, can you please talk a bit slower?

Starting point is 00:03:11 It might be really hard for some people to catch your pace. And I said, no, thank you. I appreciate you saying I'm perfect and amazing. But then following up with, but please change how you speak isn't accepting me for who I am. I have ADHD and this is how I naturally speak. And on the podcast, you can slow it down, but if that doesn't work for you, that's okay. I encourage you not to change yourself for someone else, and I will be practicing doing the same. I truly wish you all the best.

Starting point is 00:03:32 And the response was, I fucking love that response. I wish I could be like that. That was a big lesson for me. And the only reason I'm sharing that is because I very easily could have been like, change who you are. Change who you are, dude. Like, this is it. Nobody likes you. But I have to double down on, but I believe in me.

Starting point is 00:03:48 And I believe in how I show up. And I believe that for the right people in there. Remember, everybody is welcome, but it's not my job to keep people comfortable. And we have a lot of new people, right? Like, we have a video now on Spotify. Hi. We get a lot of editorial now and we're being pushed out. And so I know that some stuff might sound repetitive. If you're like, bitch, I've heard this story. But I want us to remember that like, we are bringing in new people into the community. And I was actually at a women in podcasting dinner last night. I have this beautiful group of amazing fucking women. And we just sat and it, I brought me to tears when I came home

Starting point is 00:04:15 because I was like, this is what I've been craving and missing is community, is being able to be with people and hug them and see intonation and facial expressions. And I just, I just, hope that you guys feel that too. That like this is, we're not stopping. We're only going to keep going to be out now at this point in a few months by the time this happens. And we're only going to keep building the community. So thank you for being part of it. And thank you for truly being here as yourself and allowing me to as well. It really means the world. So all right, let's get into it. I chose this episode, the potential and the idea of somebody because I thought, you know, it's funny, I had the in the trenches last month with Demona Hoffman, which by the way, I did a poll

Starting point is 00:04:53 on Instagram to ask, why don't you guys listen to In the Trenches? Like, we see consistently it underperforms based on other episodes. And the number one thing was, I don't like the titles. It doesn't pertain to me. And I don't know if you guys know that we answer four or five questions every episode. It's not just the one, but I have to come up with a title of like, what is the overarching theme? And so I hope you guys enjoy it. And I hope you'll tune in, even if you don't like it, marketers played. That helps more than you'll know. Really what it was was a lot of people were writing back of like, hey, could you go further into this? Could you give me more? So, baby, we got some really fun studies. And as always, there will be the tool of

Starting point is 00:05:23 the week at the end. And I'm just fucking stoked. I really like this. And I'm answering a lot of your questions. As always, follow on Instagram at The Sabrina Zohar Show. Don't worry, it's coming right here. Woo. Don't forget, because every week I post question boxes so that I can hear what you guys need so I can meet you where you are because I think that's really important. So let's talk about what potential actually means. And I'm going to give you some vulnerability today of what me and Ryan are going through because I think it's important and I do not want to hide from you guys the realities of the relationship. So when you say I see so much potential in them, I know they could be amazing if they just, the connection is there, they just need time. When they're present, it's everything

Starting point is 00:06:01 I want, right? I hear it all the time of like, well, when I'm with them, everything's great. And it's like, okay, but there's a grave disconnect from when you're with them versus not. And if we're having that type of disconnect, we have to start to get curious about, like, what's coming up. And so when I hear all those statements, what I actually hear is, who they are isn't enough, but who they could be is. And I'm dating a fantasy. I'm not actually dating the person. I'm more committed their potential than they are, and I'm willing to wait for someone who doesn't yet exist. And I want that to say, in for a second. Because I understand when we're dating potential and the idea of somebody, oftentimes we see it as they could be this when I'm done with them.

Starting point is 00:06:38 They could be this, if this, or you know what, the number one thing I hear? When we're dating somebody for potential and not actually who they are, what it really means is this is what it will do for me. It's not actually about the other person, because what's finished the sentence, If they showed up more, then I'd feel safe. If they communicated with me, then I'd feel heard. So it's not really about them anymore. It's really about what it gives us and how this impacts us, which is very fucking human, but I do think we need to be honest about why you're staying.

Starting point is 00:07:06 Is it really about them and what they could be, or is it about what it means about you? And I got a question that nails this. How do I not invest in potential when I see the best in others and I want to still be open-hearted? Seeing the best in people isn't the problem. That's actually really beautiful. The problem is when you see the best and ignore the problem. rest. Open-hearted doesn't mean you need to be open to delusion. You can believe in someone and still require them to show up consistently. Those aren't opposites. Those need to come. You want to know

Starting point is 00:07:30 how you build safety and trust in a relationship when words and actions align. So if you're believing in the best of people but you're not actually seeing them for who they are, that's where you're going to start to see the disconnect. Because I could all but guarantee there's a part of you that wants people to believe in the best in you and not assume the worst. And I get it, right? I know we often show up in ways that we wanted people to show up for us. But at the end of the day, we have to see who they actually are, not who we'd like them to be if they did X, Y, and Z. This one mindset shift literally changed the way I dated. The moments that we see the highlight real, who they could be, how they could show up, those moments aren't the real them breaking through.

Starting point is 00:08:06 The pattern is the real them. The inconsistency is the consistency. Instead of hoping that they change, we have to accept them for who they are in this moment. Because, baby, when you were a kid, I know you might have hoped your parents changed, but they didn't. and we eventually had to come to the terms that who they are is who they are. Can people evolve and grow? Of course, absolutely. But what's involved with that?

Starting point is 00:08:26 Therapy, doing the work, taking accountability, having hard conversations. It doesn't happen by giving them more of what they already don't appreciate, which is your love. Because eventually I have to say, you're trying to get them to change. What does that mean about you? So now, I want to talk about why is potential so seductive? Why are we falling for this? What is coming up for us? And this is where some of the fun studies come in.

Starting point is 00:08:48 potential often will feel like hope and hope is better than acceptance and I, it's funny, I used to say to my mom, I hope and she would go, I know, because oftentimes if you catch yourself saying, I hope this happens, I hope they change, I hope they choose me, I hope they come back to me. What you're saying is, I don't want to accept the reality of the situation and hope gives you dopamine because you don't actually have to look at what it is. You can hope that if you keep doing this and if you keep trying, they will change. And I know that might have kept you safe in childhood, but that's maladaptive. You're not dating your mom and dad. This is somebody, who is showing you off the bat that they're emotionally unavailable. It doesn't matter how much you love this person, that's not going to change them because they have to be willing to do the work on themselves if they actually want to make growth and make real fucking progress. What does acceptance mean? This is who they are. They're showing me the truth, right?

Starting point is 00:09:32 I have to make a decision based on reality, which means also I might have to leave. And potential lets you stay without feeling foolish. It lets you hope without acting, and the loophole is what keeps you stuck. One of you guys had asked, why do we fall in love with potential so much? Because potential protects you from grief. And as long as you're focused on who they could become, you don't have to mourn who they actually are. You don't have to admit that this isn't working, that you have needs, that you'd rather somebody else or someone else show up. Potential is a delay tactic your heart uses to avoid pain.

Starting point is 00:10:00 And so now I want you to start to get curious. What potential are you hoping for? Them or the potential within yourself that maybe you can finally see them for who they are and let them fucking go. And I know. And I know it. Why? Because I've done it. I want to talk to you guys about the difference between potential or potential.

Starting point is 00:10:17 that you can actually work with versus the potential that is really just shielding you against grief, right? Admitting that it's not working. My ex, right? The really bigy one, if you guys listen to what Heartbreak taught me about on that episode, I always saw like, if I just do this, then he'll become this or if this is then this, right? If we have an if, when, then this, then that dynamic is what's going to keep you stuck in this problem and projection of the two of you. And I just genuinely believed if I loved this person hard enough that maybe they'd eventually change for me. If I give them everything, if I make their life easier, if I give them all of the things that they didn't have, then they're going to see that they can't live without me.

Starting point is 00:10:56 But all that did was breed resentment and guilt and shame. And you know what it did above all? It made them respect me even less. Because if they were treating me so poorly and I was staying, what was that saying about me? What was that saying about how much I love myself or what I see in myself? And so here's the harsh fucking reality. The reason they keep doing it is because we keep allowing it. And I did. I did with my ex. And so now when I met Ryan, I had to be honest with him. And I said, I'm holding on to potential here. And I was like, you're telling me that you're going to become more open and vulnerable and aware. But the difference was, I was okay leaving him. I was okay walking away. I still am. I have said this to him every single therapy session that we have together that if we continue, great, that's because we're both choosing each other. And if not, if we realize at a time that, like, I'm a needy bitch. And like, I don't mean that in a rude way. I mean that in a way of, like, I have a lot of needs. There are things. And the reality of being in a healthy and secure relationship is that one partner might not be able to satisfy all of your needs. That is part

Starting point is 00:11:57 of being in a healthy and secure relationship is knowing that you have your needs met either yourself or with friends or in other groups. The problem becomes when the needs that they're meeting still aren't satisfying what you need in the relationship. And part of being in a healthy and your relationship is saying, as much as I love you, I need to be more afraid of losing myself than I am afraid of losing you. Because I'm scared of losing you, then that means I'll do anything to keep you at the expense of me and what I actually fucking desire. That's why I'm always very clear. Like, I love Ryan. We're really working at it. We're doing all the work. But the potential that I see in him is that he can become this person with the right therapy and he's got all

Starting point is 00:12:36 the tools. He's got everything he needs. Now I look and say, how are you showing up? that's the difference, right? If you're dating somebody and they're saying, I'm doing a lot of work on myself, I'm really trying, I've got this stuff, but like, please just give me some patience. Okay, right? That's the potential that you're like, that's like saying when I, you know, if you meet somebody who's in medical school and you're like, well, I want somebody rich already and you're like, okay, but they have the potential to become that version. You just need to give them a minute to grow into it versus, oh, they have the potential because that's what I've projected on to them, but they've shown you nothing that they're actually going to do anything in order to reach

Starting point is 00:13:11 that potential. That is the fucking disconnect. And that is where we start to lose ourselves, hoping that this person can become something. They just might not be. And I think that's the reality that we have to face. I don't want to, but it's really important for us. And so if you're dating somebody right now or you're in a relationship and the potential is, well, if they just stopped screaming at me after arguments, if they stopped walking out on me, if they just held space for me. Like, those are biggies. Those are, what you're saying is that this person who essentially just needs to be a different person for you to be ill satisfied versus they're doing the work. They're in therapy. They're catching themselves a lot quicker. And I know that they're working towards

Starting point is 00:13:46 it. Like, okay, I want to see progress. I don't need perfection. So now let's talk about the projection, right? What I keep saying, that you're not seeing them. You're seeing what you need them to be or who they want you to believe they are. Addicted is the word I use because I do think it's appropriate. When you're addicted to potential, you're not actually connecting with a person. You're connecting with the projection of that person or the Curied version they've shown you. So what you do is you end up taking 20% of who they are, like the good parts, and 80% of who you need them to be and you fall in love with that composite. Then you're heartbroken when they keep being 100% of who they actually fucking are. And that's why we have to say what can they actually step into versus who are they?

Starting point is 00:14:27 What is their limitations, their capacity, and their bandwidth? So someone had asked, why didn't I see the real him? all I saw was their potential. And I want you to hear me when I say this, you weren't stupid, you weren't naive, your brain was doing exactly what brains do. So here's the neuroscience of writing the fiction. So there was a study done in 2017, Shachter and Addis, and it's called discovered something called the prospective brain. So your brain uses the exact neural network to imagine the future as it does to remember the past, the medial prefrontal cortex, the hippocampus, and the posterior simulate all fire together. So what does that mean in

Starting point is 00:14:59 like layman's term? When you imagine who someone could be, your brain is literally constructing that person using fragments of memory, hope, and imagination. It's a fabrication that feels like perception. So your brain took a smile from date two, a deep conversation from date five, that one thoughtful text, and glued together a person who doesn't actually fucking exist. Then handed you this composite and said, here's who they really are. You're not seeing their potential, you're authoring it. And I think we often ask like, why? Why am I doing this? Why is the imagined version and what was wins? So Gilbert and Wilson's research revealed the impact bias. Now, this one I thought was so interesting.

Starting point is 00:15:33 We consistently overestimate how happy future events will make us and how long that happiness will last. So when you imagine being with someone's potential version, you picture the best moments, not the mundane reality. You imagine how you'll feel with the highlights, not the 10,000 ordinary hours, and you'll project a fantasy that real life could never match. This is why getting what you wanted often feels hollow, because the imagined version was always better than any reality could be because you're not chasing a person, you're chasing your own image. imagination. And I've done that. I genuinely have. I have dated people where when I get to know them, I'm like, oh, you're not actually that great, right? And I get so many DMs from you guys, and I love you. I do. But a lot of the DMs revolve around, you know, like, oh, well, when we were together, everything's amazing. And like, when we first started dating, everything was great. And

Starting point is 00:16:22 the reality is, you guys aren't necessarily been asking for advice. You're asking for permission to keep the fantasy. I can't give you that permission. love doesn't require a highlight reel. Love requires two people that are choosing each other, two people that are willing to go through the uncomfortable conversations and to have those really deep, tough talks and to be able come out the other side and say, not only do we have conflict, but we regulated and we had repair, because we're not tripping over the same fucking issue over and over again. Because at that point, then you are hoping and waiting on potential. You're not actually seeing them for who they are. If you can't actually get through a conversation or an argument or a disagreement, or a disagree. then this is no longer about, oh, they just need more therapy. I think what we have to look at and say, who is this person? Is this enough for me? That's a hard question. That's a really hard question.

Starting point is 00:17:09 These three questions are what's keeping you stuck consistently in dating and the potential of them. Instead of asking, who are they? You're going to ask, who could they become? Instead of, is this working for me, you'll start to ask, could this work if they changed? And instead of, am I happy, you ask, would I be happy if they were different? You've made your happiness contingent on someone else's transformation, and you don't control that you never will. And one of you guys asked, if they don't have the capacity of potential,

Starting point is 00:17:33 why did they portray it in the beginning? Because the beginning is an audition. Everyone can show up to an audition. The question is whether they can do the actual job day after day when nobody's watching when it's not exciting anymore. Early effort is not a promise. It's a sample. And some people give great samples but can't deliver on the full treat. And I think what we have to see is, why do you think I'm such a big proponent of go slow? I have a client that is dating somebody. And after the first date already was texting of like, I could see all the potential, and we have the potential for a long-term relationship, and we could really be together. And I had to stop and go, based on what? You see the potential in them, based on what? Based on one good date, based on the

Starting point is 00:18:13 fact that they were nice to a waiter. But when you see potential, what you're really saying is, here's how I would treat this situation and here's how I would handle it. So because you did one nice thing, the white halo effect, right? The whitewashing, I'm just going to say then everything will be amazing. And the potential that we see is here's how I would act if I were in that situation, that doesn't necessarily mean that's how they will. If you're dating potential and your response to me is, but I can see who they are really underneath, no, you see who you want them to be. And you've decided that your version of them is more real than their actual behavior because you're using fantasy as insight. If someone has to become a different person for the

Starting point is 00:18:46 relationship to work, then the relationship doesn't work. I'm just going to hold space for a second. Because if the relationship can only work if they become, and I'll never forget when me and my X were going through the breakup. And I went to my friends and they're married like 20 years. And they said, he said, do you love him? And I said, yeah, but. And he stopped me and he goes, we're done with the conversation. I said, well, I mean, let me finish. He goes, because you said, but. And he goes, you have to love this person for who they are. Of course, we can all grow and evolve and change. But if you're saying, I would love to be in a relationship with them, but, or I could be in a relationship if they did this, then you're not actually dating who they are. You're dating who you need them to become in order

Starting point is 00:19:23 for the relationship to actually work. That's why you're disappointed. Even if they became that, would it actually be enough? Or is your brain just projecting that fantasy because that's helping you to avoid the reality and giving you a dopamine addiction loop that you didn't even fucking realize that you were on? So let's get to the important question.

Starting point is 00:19:39 Why are you choosing potential over presence? Okay, this one. Now, this study was fascinating to me. If you've ever wondered why you fall for potential, this 13-year longitudinal study will answer that question. When partners fall short of our ideals, we adjust our preferences downwards to accommodate them. But when partners exceed our expectations, we don't adjust our appreciation upwards.

Starting point is 00:20:01 So what that means is you'll make excuses for someone who doesn't meet your standards, but you won't increase your gratitude for someone who surpasses them. This is why potential keeps you hooked. You keep lowering the bar to keep them in the picture and why the people that are enough don't excite you. You're not wired to feel more when someone actually gives you more. I found that fascinating. I was like, whoa, wait a minute. that makes so much sense. We'll water ourselves down to accommodate other people, but yet we won't necessarily build ourselves up to meet and match where somebody else might be. We don't give enough appreciation. I hear that all the time. How many times? I'm like, wait a minute, all these amazing things that this person does, we're going to completely throw out the window because I didn't fucking text you. And I know. I know you're going to be like, Sab. Are we going back on this for just a brief moment? Because we do have new people that might not have heard my soapbox. But I want us to zoom out. I want us to zoom out and say, if in a year,

Starting point is 00:20:51 after I'm dating this person, what other issues would I have besides what's happening in early dating? So if you're saying, if I zoom out, then in a year, this person doesn't have hard conversations with me, this person gets uncomfortable when I bring things up, they don't have space for my emotions. So then what's going to happen in a year? What makes you think that's going to be any different? Versus we have a really great connection. I feel really good with them, but they just don't like to text a bunch. Okay, so in a year when I'm living with this person, is that still going to be an issue? No. That right there is how you could differentiate between is this potential I can actually work towards or am I hoping that this person has to become another version of themselves or me

Starting point is 00:21:25 in order for this to relationship to align. Potential is safer than reality. When you have somebody that's real, that's present, the available people, they require you to show up too. There's nowhere to hide. There's no if only to retreat to. With potential, here's the harsh thing you guys have to hear. You can stay in your head instead of the relationship. You can focus on them instead of looking at yourself. You can blame they're not being ready instead of asking if you are ready and you always have an excuse for why it's not working. That's why I often say my anxious babies, we're also avoidant. And my avoidant babies, we're also anxious because it's humans. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. But we have to start to reframe the questions that we're

Starting point is 00:22:00 asking. We have to look and say, you know, that potential can't be a safety net that feels like a trampoline, right? It's like you're not bouncing you towards something. It's really just catching you every time you almost have to commit, almost have to be vulnerable, almost have to risk being in something real. The net isn't helping you fly. It's stopping you from landing. And I know. And I know, that personally, right? Like, I want us to also even look and say, what does this mean about your identity? I'm the one who doesn't give up. I'm the one who loves harder. I see people for who they really are. And I think that we see that as a badge of honor. And it's a superpower. But what if that superpower is actually keeping you from what you want? What if being the one who sees

Starting point is 00:22:39 potential is just a sophisticated way of avoiding being seen yourself? When you're so focused on someone else's development, you don't have to focus on your own. You can just distract. And then pretend that that's devotion and pretend that that's something it's not. Somebody who is like consistent doesn't give you a high. So there's no rush when they finally text you back. There's no relief when they choose you again. There's no victory when they show up after disappearing. The intensity of the makeup after the breakup. Consistency feels flat when you've been trained to expect drama. That's why people will say there's no spark and go back to chasing potential. You've confused the anxiety of uncertainty with the excitement of connection. And then you can't be so shocked when it doesn't, it just doesn't satisfy you. It leaves you empty. That's like saying I'm eating a bunch of junk food and wondering why I'm still hungry versus I'm eating a nice nourished meal. That's a lot less exciting, right? You don't get the sugar high. You don't get the up and down and the crash. You have stability. And for a lot of us, myself included, that's foreign. That's foreign. Oftentimes, the person that's enough can feel like settling. Because when someone shows up fully, there's no games,

Starting point is 00:23:39 there's no guessing, there's no gaps to fill, it can feel like something's missing. What's missing is the project, the puzzle, the thing to figure out. And if you built your entire identity around being the one who sees people's potential, who loves ardor, and who doesn't give up, then he finished product doesn't need you in the same way. Do you want a partner or do you want a project? And then what we have to look here as well is, is this my identity? Am I tying this that who are you if you don't have to fix them? Who are you if you don't have to fix this person? Who are you if you don't have to show up differently so that they could be this? And I see this murdering of like, well, at least I'm communicated and I'm trying and they're the avoidant

Starting point is 00:24:15 and they're not doing anything. And all you're doing is you're betting on potential that if you love them harder, they're going to change. But you know what that's actually doing? You're avoiding looking at yourself and saying, instead of us focusing on, why aren't they doing this? Why are you staying? Maybe that we could start to get curious about

Starting point is 00:24:31 because if they're the project that you're working on, you don't have to be the project that you get to focus on. And I get it, right? I know that there's fear. Duh, you're a fucking human. And this question kind of broke my heart a little bit that many of you guys asked, but I appreciate you asking.

Starting point is 00:24:46 I still think that one day they're going to live up to their potential, but it'll be for somebody else. And this is the what if it was just me, fear. And here's what I need you to hear. Even if they do show up differently for someone else, that doesn't mean you are the problem. It means the dynamic between the two of you didn't work.

Starting point is 00:25:00 And more importantly, you can't build your life waiting for someone to become who they never were with you. That's not your story to write. The next person isn't getting anything that you didn't, baby. And at the end of the day, maybe that person doesn't trigger them in the same ways. Maybe that person holds space in a different way.

Starting point is 00:25:13 and maybe they just get along in a different way. That doesn't mean that there's something wrong with you. That just means that you haven't met your person yet. I remember with my ex, I didn't recognize myself. I genuinely don't recognize myself. But after a while, I had to sit and say, wait a minute, maybe it's really that we're just not right for each other, that we're just triggering each other in a way that's not healthy.

Starting point is 00:25:35 That's not actually something that we can work through. Because now I have a partner who I don't feel that with. I don't feel like I'm losing my shit. I don't feel like I'm off constantly on edge or trying to understand them. I feel like I have a partner that shows up. Now we have to see if we're both able to show up for that for each other. Right, that's welcome to relationships. But it was a hard one for me.

Starting point is 00:25:55 It was because I always banked on potential. Like you guys know about the, oh, for anyone the new you don't, but I have this hot guy that I used to be obsessed with when I lived in Venice in 2021. It was about the potential of him. Well, he could be this, right? He's already cool, smart and handsome. So, like, if he just was more emotionally available, then we'll be great. If he's more emotionally available, are you fucking getting me?

Starting point is 00:26:16 You mean I have to pretty much change this person and how they handle and receive things for them to work for me, baby? That's not going to work. And that's why I kept getting stuck on the idea of them, but I wasn't actually into who he is because you know who he was? He is not a very nice person. He would avoid every deep conversation. He got super uncomfortable. He would buoy everything back to shallow. And the only reason I was obsessed with this guy is because of what it meant about me.

Starting point is 00:26:37 Yeah, he's a nice guy. He was cute and we had a good time, but I can find a lot of other people I can have a good time with. Okay, can we talk about what to do about it? Because I'm going to give you the tool of the week. But somebody had asked, how do we differentiate between the liking potential versus the actual person? If nothing about them changed from this moment forward, would I stay? Not could I learn to be okay with it? Not would I stay if they tried harder. If this version, the one in front of you right now, is the final version, would you choose? If your answer requires them to become different, you're in love with potential. If your answer is yes to who they are today, then that's the actual person. I'm not saying that you cannot grow and evolve into a becoming a more evolved human, but do they have that skill set? Or is this mean that they need to drastically change everything about how they handle hard conversations? Oh my God, it broke my heart. Somebody had written in an email. I'm never going to give anything away about it, but the person spoke so terribly to them. Oh my God, called them names and was attacking them and bringing them down. And their response to me was, do you think if I stay that things will change because I love them? And I don't want to,

Starting point is 00:27:45 I'm scared. And I said, honey bear, there's no amount of loving this person that's going to change them. It doesn't matter how hard you try and how much effort you put into this. That person sounds like they got a long way to go. Now, could they change? Oh, that could take years. I don't have a crystal ball, I can't answer that. But you know what I will say? That sometimes too much has happened. And sometimes that part of them is a little too severe for us to be able to look the other way. So I want you to start to pay attention. I want you to stop tracking what they say they'll do, who they are on their best days, the version that shows up when they're trying to win you back. And I want you to start tracking what they consistently do without being asked. Who are they when things are boring, hard,

Starting point is 00:28:24 or inconvenient? The version that shows up when they think you're not going anywhere. That pattern is truth. The expectations are the exceptions. And another question that came up a lot is how to see the person as is and not as their potential. This is the discipline and it's hard. It's a lot harder honestly than it sounds because your brain will fight you the whole time. The brain wants to fill in gaps. It wants to protect and it wants to project and that's what it does. So you have to build structure. You have to create checkpoints that force you back into reality and that's what we work on in the courses and all of these different things that I have or with your therapist. Like please know that these options are there for you. You can work with me or whatever. Or just

Starting point is 00:28:59 just talk to your fucking therapist about this. But the actual frameworks for interrupting this pattern is in real time. And the first step is naming it, right? Catching yourself in the act. The reframe. Instead of they just need more time, support, and the right person, they're showing me what they're willing to give me right now. Instead of when it's good, it's so good, the pattern is the truth, the good moments are the exception. So let's get into the tool of the week, what we can actually do tangibly. The potential versus the reality audit. This is simple, but it will mess you up in the best fucking ways, and I can't wait. I want you to make two columns. The first column, who I believe they could be.

Starting point is 00:29:30 I want you to write down all the good things you're hoping for or the glimpses of, right? Then in the second column, who are they consistently showing me they are? Write down only repeated hate behaviors, not a one-time thing. It's not about that one time that they were rude. Okay, well, they were really stressed, they apologized, it's never happened again. That's not what we're talking about. But if every time I bring something to them, they shut down, they don't have the bandwidth. They call me, I'm say I'm too needy.

Starting point is 00:29:53 They call me crazy. They say I'm too much. Okay, that's a pattern. That's repeating. Now I want you to look at both columns. Which person are you in the relationship with? If you're more attached to column one than column two, you're not in a relationship. You're in the fantasy. And fantasies don't love you back, baby. The audit is just the starting point. It's just the starting point. If you want to go deeper on what to do with what you find, how to actually rewire and build and do the work, right, baby, then come join one of the courses. But start here. Start with seeing clearly what it is that you like. Then we can even start to understand, is this a fantasy I've had before? Is this a pattern I've had, right? It's not just their patterns. What about mine? Are my patterns that I consistently go for people that don't have the bandwidth that I require? And then I keep being shocked when I'm so tired and exhausted, that's on me. And then we could start to understand how do I break these patterns and loops and things

Starting point is 00:30:43 like that. But I want you to hear me when I say that potential isn't love. It's just a placeholder, right? You're just prolonging the inevitable, but what you hold on to when reality isn't giving you what you need. You can't build a life with potential. You can't wake up to next to potential. You can't co-parent with potential. You can't grow old with someone to highlight real. You deserve someone who shows up as a whole fucking person, not a project. You're not a fixer-upor. This isn't a fucking house that you're investing in. It's not someone you have to decode or develop or wait for. We've got to stop falling in love with who people could be and start paying attention to who they actually are because the person who's right for you won't require your imagination

Starting point is 00:31:16 to fill in the gaps. They'll be there fully and consistently. And that's not settling. That's the whole fucking point. Potential keeps you hooked on a dopamine loop because when we hope we release dopamine because we're not actually having to grieve the ending and the reality. You're allowed to be sad. You're allowed to be sad that this didn't work. You're allowed to wish that they could be different. I have had so many people, but that's why I hate the right person wrong time. No, because I have a guy that I had so much potential. Oh my God. I talk about that that with my mama and she always said, baby, but if you were focusing on what if, you're not looking at what is. And I remember telling her that and she goes, sap, you're saying that this guy has to be a different

Starting point is 00:31:54 person for him to work out for you. And she wasn't wrong. And you're not. And you're you know what? Never spoke to him again. So imagine if I held on to him. And I've shared you with the story that when I reached out to him like eight months later and he was so flippant and I was like, what am I doing? What am I doing? You deserve more than that. You deserve someone that's going to show up for you fully. I see that. I just need you too. All right, babies. That's it. That's the hard truth. Is that potential is an addiction? And we got to start breaking that loop so that you could see people for who they are and then decide if that works for you. But taking them for who they are. Right? Like with Ryan, when I would tell him something, he would then implement it.

Starting point is 00:32:27 And I was like, okay, so who this person is is growth-minded. They're willing to take feedback. But if I told him stuff and he just kept doing the same thing, I would never have fucking wasted my time because that's what it would have been, a waste of my time. I love you guys. Don't forget, please, please to share this with a friend. That means more than you could know, put in your Facebook groups,

Starting point is 00:32:44 let the world know that I exist and that you exist and that we exist in this community. Please don't forget, rate and review, leave a comment, even if it's just a heart, it means the world. And like I said, if you guys want ad free, you can. You don't have to bitch about it in the fucking comments. You could just not listen or subscribe or choose a different community. But God damn, am I tired of having to fucking change who I am to make other people comfortable?

Starting point is 00:33:06 And that is what I hope you will understand. Because imagine if people said Sabrina has the potential to be this if she just stopped cursing and spoke slower and all this. And you're like, fuck you. Who says I want to live up to that potential that you have deemed for me? Not you, the proverbial you. But I think that's a really important aspect here. And so like I said, guys, I'm here for you. If you need anything, everything's at the link in show notes.

Starting point is 00:33:27 And if not, thank you for being here. All right, babies, I'll see you next week for Hard Truth Number 2. And I can't wait. Until next time, baby.

The Sabrina Zohar Show - 191: Why You Keep Falling For Their Potential Instead Of Who They Are

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