The Sabrina Zohar Show - 2: Texting in Dating

Episode Date: February 3, 2023

This week Sabrina is back with a HOT topic: Texting in dating. She goes over the dos and don'ts with texting in the talking and dating phase, how to work and sit through your anxiety/anxious attachment with texting, and try something new! Want to work with Sabrina? HERE! Stuck After the Podcast? Master Implementation in 8 Weeks with Sabrina's Foundation Course Get Ad-free episodes and 2 Bonus episodes a month HERE! Dont forget to follow Sabrina and The Sabrina Zohar Show on instagram and Sabrina on Tik tok! Video now available on YOUTUBE!  Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formally known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A.Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, hello and welcome to Do the Work podcast. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I will be your host along this lovely journey on all things, anxiety, dating and what doing the work actually means. Today we are talking about texting and dating. I was actually shocked because this was the number one requested topic to cover on the podcast. We are going to cover all the other topics like avoided and anxious, what does do the work actually mean? But for this week, the number one request was texting and dating. So let's dive on. in, shall we? Texting and dating, the hottest topic I think I have ever fucking covered on anything in

TikTok and anything that has to do with that. So, where do we even begin with this? I would say, let's start at the beginning. I think the common misconception when it comes to texting and dating is everybody is trying to play by these arbitrary rules and no one has any idea what the fucking rules are, do we? So it really comes down to like communication styles, love languages, all of those variables and all of those nuances.

think oftentimes people are so strict on one thought process that they're not even willing to entertain another thought process. And that's kind of what I encounter a lot when I'm working with clients or just anybody that I'm talking to is I totally get it. We all have needs and we all want to feel loved and we all want to feel adored and we all want to feel appreciated. But when it comes to texting and dating, especially in the earlier phases, there is kind of a method to the madness when it goes and works to this because you don't want to be so fucking full on. So let's like dive right into this. What do I mean when I say, stop texting incessantly in the beginning because it creates a false sense of intimacy? At the basics, you meet somebody, you match with them online. We have all been there.

When you match with somebody and you guys are chatty, Kathy, you're so excited, you're so stoked. Oh my God, this person is so much to talk about. You're texting and you're texting and you're texting and you're texting and you're texting. Now, in a fairy tale and in a Disney world, I would love for this to work out. But unfortunately, that's just not the reality because what this does is it creates a false sense of intimacy and it creates a relationship that truthfully doesn't even exist. Now, when you are texting incessantly with somebody, you can't really go anywhere from there. So if you start at 100, there's no going any higher.

Personally, when I first start to talk to somebody, I used to. I used to be that person that would fucking text endlessly and build this entire relationship. And then you show up on the first date or whatever, and you're kind of like, I'm confused. Where is this really awesome, funny person that I've been talking to this whole time? And this isn't just a gender of men and women.

This is all people do this. and I created an entire scenario in a version of this person that I thought they were in my head, which wasn't actually who they were. And so I think in the beginning stages, that is one of the most dangerous pitfalls that we fall into because avoidant and anxious love to feed off of each other. So somebody with a high anxiety wants that constant communication and they want to be texting all the time and they want to have that rapport simply because it helps quell their abandonment issues. It helps show, see, look, somebody likes me.

It's a constant reminder over and over and over again that I'm loved, I'm adored, somebody pays attention to me, and somebody is giving me all of these things that I want, because I can't self-soothe and I can't sit in the discomfort of uncertainty, because anxiety is a fear of the future. Then we have somebody who's avoidant. Somebody who's avoidant is usually that person that is saying, okay, I get way too scared when I get too close to somebody, and so they always go for people with anxiety because they say,

oh, well, hey, those are the things I don't have. I'm lacking all of those things. I can't let somebody in. I can't show love. I can't show affection. Great. This person can. But that dynamic doesn't last long because then you both start going, going, going, and then the avoidance person starts to pull away.

The anxious person starts to fill in the space of where they're running from. And that's how this dynamic becomes super unhealthy. Somebody secure is somebody that can give and receive love, but is also really cognizant and firm on boundaries. So like when I started seeing tech guy, he was a terrible fucking texter. Like terrible texter. We text on the app, you know, we met on hinge, we had a little rapport back and forth. we made plans and he was very even upfront at that point like hey I'm not a big texter I really hate being on my phone I work in tech all day it's not my thing my spidey senses went up because I was like fuck

I'm super anxious I need that constant validation I need it I need it and this was you know along my journey of doing the work like I'm in the trenches with everybody because I'm giving you guys just I'm further along on the journey just giving you what I've learned up along the way and he's incredibly secure and he has those boundaries fucking firm and Our first few dates didn't really hear from him. I would maybe hear from him once every couple of days. Like I remember when I would sleep over and leave and I would be so anxious, I couldn't even eat my fucking breakfast because I was panicked of like,

but I didn't hear from him and he didn't text me and he acted really strange. Because when you have anxiety, you're so hyper focused and hyper attuned to a change in behavior that oftentimes you create an entire scenario based off someone's behavior that actually has nothing to do with you. And that's why I love that book The Four Agreements because it really goes into, don't take things personally because like oftentimes it's somebody else's own battle that they're going through and their projections and their experiences very little has anything to do with you. Of course there are those circumstances of like, yeah, sometimes you're just not what somebody wants. They're not picking up what you're putting down.

It could be that your anxiety pushes people away. And like, I didn't understand that for a while. I used to tell my sister like, I don't get it. I don't want to change and I'm anxious and I need my texting and somebody has to do that. And it's like, well, but what was I was doing was I was perpetuating really unhealthy. behavior with people. And unfortunately, what happens is you inadvertently, your anxiety as a vibe. There's a vibration to an anxiety. And somebody can pick up on the, wait a minute, this girl needs me to text her. She's not complete unless I show up for her. That is really unsettling to people

that are secure because they want somebody that is equally as secure. You can have anxiety. Don't get me wrong. No one is saying that you have to be like fully healed to be with somebody. But it's also about like being able to sit in the discomfort, being able to sit in the fact that like I text something. I text somebody. I didn't hear back from them from two hours. You don't need to create an entire situation that they hate you and they can't stand you and they don't like you anymore. And then all of a sudden you've got this entire monologue and inner dialogue that you've created. Then they text you and you go, oh, just kidding. Okay, everything's fine until the next one happens. It's like a drug addict. The hit is constantly what you're after. You're after that dopamine hit. You want that because you can't

sit with your own shit and your own feelings and say, I'm okay being alone. Anxiety breeds like a fear of the future. That's essentially what anxiety is. So when you meet somebody off the bat and you start chatty Kathy, it's like, oh my God, I've met the one. Oh my God. You don't fucking know that person. And that's why then you go on a date and then they ghost you after or they say, I'm sorry, I'm not into it. And people get so upset. I don't get it, but we were talking the whole time. And then we met up in person. It's like, yeah, well, there's no guarantee that just because you had a great conversation prior that the dates are going to lead to a relationship. Like, I've gone out with a ton of people. Doesn't mean I want to fucking marry all of them. Even for instance, like, tech guy's roommate went

out with somebody. And he was like, yeah, she's super cool. I'm into her. And I was like, cool, so you'll see her again? He's like, maybe. I was like, but what happened? He's like, I don't know. I just could sense. He was like talking about things that he noticed about her and how he's like, I don't think she's ready for anything and da-da-da. And she's kind of going through her, like, freedom phase. And it's like, to her, she might think, but we had a great date. Why wouldn't we kick it again? It's like, because somebody just like felt a different vibe or they didn't see you as a life partner. Dating doesn't just mean, oh, okay, well, cool. We just get to do a bunch of stuff together and like hang out all the time. It's like some people don't

have that bandwidth. And so texting incessantly in the beginning creates this entire fucking false narrative and situation. And that's why it feels even more devastating when you don't follow up with that. Because like my, again, my mom always says when you go to 100, how do you want to build from that? So when I start dating somebody, I put a very firm boundary up of like, we have a little bit of rapport. We have a dialogue back and forth. And then it's date by date. That is only the only way you are going to handle your anxiety is by seeing it as we had a great date. That's all it was. It's not we had a great date and I told all my friends about him and oh my God, I'm so excited. No, not to say you can't get excited.

Nobody is saying that when the dating phase that you shouldn't be stoked on somebody that you meet, but it's about keeping it real and managing your expectations because if you are somebody who gets caught up in the idea of somebody and you are somebody that gets so stuck on the idea and the potential and the future that you're building for the two of us without that person showing you that they are that version of themselves that can live up to it, you're setting yourself up for failure. And I think it's also managing expectations. A lot of people show love in different ways. I know it sounds wild to people. Like, what do you mean? Everybody's on their phone all the time. You're right. But you know what people aren't always doing? They're not always dealing with somebody

else's emotions. So I get this comment constantly. I get pissed off. I text him, he'd answer, but I saw them on Insta. Because Instagram and TikTok are mindless scrolling. You don't need anything. You're just spending your fucking days. You're not talking to somebody and dealing with their issues and their and their troubles and how are you and how is your day? You are not holding space for somebody else when you are mindlessly scrolling on Insta and TikTok. So just because you text somebody and they have decided to not respond at that moment

doesn't mean that you did anything and then you start to spiral and then it's the texting. I don't understand why the fuck aren't you answering. Do you see what I mean by that anxiety will inadvertently push somebody away because your vibe is showing the other person. I can't sit in my discomfort.

I can't sit in just being alone. You are instead of not in addition to my, life. There's more to life than finding the perfect car, but finding the perfect car can help you get the most out of life, like the SUV that handles everything from drop off to off road, and the car that hulls groceries and hockey teams, or the van that's gone from just practical to practically family. Whatever you want, wherever you're going, start your search at ototrater.ca, Canada's Car Marketplace. So it's really important to bear in mind when you start dating somebody.

Like for the guys, here we go. Let's break this fucking down. For the dudes, if you have met somebody either out or on the apps, it doesn't really matter. Make the goddamn plan. Make the fucking plan. Plan the reservation. Figure out where you're going.

I don't care if it's a hike. I don't care if it's dinner. I don't care if you guys are driving on a coffee. It doesn't matter. Make the first date. Great. It's Tuesday. I will see you Saturday.

On Thursday, you text. Hey, I'm so excited to see you. Can't wait. Hope you have a great week. letting that person know, especially in this day and age where so many options, it's like, well, yeah, we're the first generation that is born and bred into the fact that we have unlimited options with the internet. No generation prior to us has had that. So you wonder why dating is so fucking tough. No one had online dating. No one had social media. No one had text messaging. Like,

this is all our generation. And we are trying to navigate through these arbitrary rules that no one's even made. So it's super important to like show your interest to somebody, especially when they've got a thousand options. Then the day of the date, hey, so stoked to see you tonight or whatever. Can't wait to see you, excited for our meet. I'll see you tonight at seven. That is it. That is more than enough. And then the woman on the receiving side, receive it. Great. I'm so stoked to see you as well. Sounds good. It's cool to show interest. Spoiler alert. People like that. And if you want to like play this game of playing hard to get, like what do you think you breed when you play hard to get? You breed an unhealthy partner because of that person is only after you because of the chase, their narrative is,

I'm not good enough unless someone makes me work for it. I'm not good enough. It's about them. This isn't that you don't hold weight or that you aren't special or that you have any shortcomings. It speaks volumes about them. And so I'm all about sitting in my feminine. Like after a date, I usually will not text a guy. I'll let them text me first for like a few days after that, make the second plan. Like, I'm fucking chilling. I'm sitting in my shit. That is when it's on the dude to follow up after the first date. If you want to see the other person, I had a great time. I really enjoyed getting to know you, whatever. If you ask her out on the first, if you ask her out for a second date on the first date, job well done. Text her after if not. Hey, I'd love to see you again. Can we

have a second date? Gage the interest. And then it's the same kind of process. It should be a slow and steady progression. You should want to text that person. But it doesn't mean that in that first month, you're fucking texting them incessantly all day every day. Like, that's just not what. what this is about. Now that we have established what to do after the first and second date, it again is a slow progression. You do not want to just start texting all day every day because a problem is that it makes it uncomfortable for both sides of the spectrum. On one side, the person receiving it, the anxious person, is going to be hyper attuned and notice any shift in behavior. They're going to be the first one to be like, but I haven't heard from him. It's

been 10 minutes. I understand. And then you start to analyze, well, he answered within two minutes on here. And now it's been seven. What's he doing? It gets, really overwhelming. And then the person that used to be texting that it might be pulling away or might go, fuck, I'm not really actually that into this person. I thought they were cool. And then, you know, we went out and I just didn't love all of these things. Like, I just don't see a future with this person or whatever. Then you start to pull away. And then there's anxiety. As you see why I'm saying, like, texting and dating is super important to go slow and build up. And it's also really important to ask your partner what their love languages are. Like when I asked tech guy that, I was like,

you know, he said, I am not into the texting thing. Like, I'll give you words of affirmation. Like, let you know how beautiful you are. I let you know how I feel about you. But he's like, I'm not going to incessantly text you. I hate my phone. And he does. He fucking hates that thing. But his love language is acts of service. So any tasks, anything. Like when I go to his house, my water is set up on the table. Like when I come in, our table is set. He's cooking dinner. There's water. There's a hair tie. There's my chapstick because he knows those are all things I use. And there's a joint ready for me. Then when we have dinner, he's the first to serve me. And he has the little dessert ready there for after. And then he has got like a massage bomb. Like those are his way of showing that he

cares and that he thinks about me and that he is thoughtful. Not everybody shows love languages in the same way. And oftentimes that is how a partner can say, I don't feel like you appreciate me because you're not looking at the overall picture of how they're showing you love. You're looking at the way that you want to receive it. That doesn't mean that they are wrong or that you are wrong. You're just not speaking the same language at this point. And that's why I always will ask somebody on a first or second date, what are your non-negotiables? And what are your love languages to give and receive so that I make sure that I am looking at all of it comprehensively and not just looking at like one thing that they're trying to do to show me that they care that I am not receiving.

So I think that is what a question I got a lot was like, what are the texting? What do I do in texting in the beginning, the middle, and end? It's like in the beginning phases, once every couple of days. If you really want to text every day, make it a short, hey, just wanted to say hi, thinking about you, stoked to see you again. Also, if you're not a text or articulate that to your partner. a texter. I'll show you love in other ways, but I'm not really interested in texting incessantly with somebody. I'd rather just see you. That way, the other person can manage their expectations.

And then for the anxious texter in the room, this is where we need to have a little chit chat of, it's time to put your big girl pants on or your big boy pants on and accept that not everybody shows love in the same way. And if you want to be that rigid and stick your heels in the sand and say, well, I don't have somebody that's going to do this. Because what you're missing is, the person that is going to text you nonstop and give you all that isn't a fucking secure. And healthy person. You are then creating a new dynamic that is not healthy. That is really why I say, like, break this pattern. And then on top of it, it's also a space to tell somebody, hey, I need more texting. I need more communication. Are you good with that? And like I had somebody

that I was working with and she said, I asked him, and he ignored me and never did what I asked and then made me feel like I was too needy. This had nothing at the end of the day to do with the communication styles. That was like the subtext. That was. That was. was the bullshit. What we really needed to talk about was the fact that you were expressing your needs to somebody and they were dismissive of you. The fact that that person didn't give a shit about what you were asking, didn't try to have a conversation, didn't try to compromise, like, it's bigger than just he's not texting me. It's about can I articulate and communicate to somebody? No, you don't get to do that after the second date. You don't get to go to somebody. I mean, you can if you really want to,

but good luck. If you want to be the definition of insanity, if this shit hasn't been working for you, sorry about you. But no, you don't go to somebody after a second day and be like, I'm not hearing from you. And I need more. It's like, yo, dude, you need to get a grip on your fucking anxiety and your shit and start figuring out. Why do I need to be constantly validated by somebody else? Am I not reparenting myself? Do I have that many core wounds that I've not been acknowledging that I need somebody else to? Because it's never enough. And you know as well as I do, it's never enough. Amazon presents Jeff versus Taco Truck Salsa, whether it's Verde, Roja, or the orange one. For Jeff, trying any salsa is like playing Russian roulette. with a flame thrower.

Luckily, Jeff saved with Amazon and stocked up on antacids, ginger tea, and milk. Habaniero, more like habanier, yes. Save the everyday with Amazon. And so that is something for short distance. Now, when it comes to long distance, honestly, I kind of have the same rules apply in the sense where you don't need to be texting

somebody morning and a night. You treat the dates with FaceTimes, and you have those like we did with COVID. Remember in COVID when it was like, cool, I'll see you Thursday. You also need to understand like when you're in a long distance relationship, communication is super important, but that doesn't need to revolve around texting. It can be a phone call every night. It could be a FaceTime to touch base.

You also have to be cognizant that like you have to meet up and hang out. It can't just be constant texting because then you have a pen pal and then all of a sudden you're like, I've been dating this person for a year and we've seen each other twice. It's like, what are you waiting for? I'm not sure what you expect to happen here. A long-distance relationship just means you're in a relationship, y'all just don't live next to each other at that time. But eventually, you'll need to come together.

And so with long distance, it's the same thing. Like if you meet somebody, yeah, you should be touching base every day, every other day. It doesn't need to be nonstop. And because a lot of the times I'll hear this too where it's like, oh, we text nonstop, and then I showed up and the guy was super awkward or really weird, or we had nothing to talk about or the dynamic was different in person. Because text has no tone.

you create the answer that you want to hear. You're creating the version of the person that you want to hear via text. And that's why it can get so muddy and the waters can get all fucking weird. And so with long distance, I treat it the same. Like, it's a slow progression, but you also need to know it's going to take extra work.

And if you are cool being in a long distance relationship knowing and like anxious people, they struggle with long distance for a reason. It's the fear of the unknown. You don't know what somebody else is doing. You have to trust that person. It's like a whole other layer because you don't get to see somebody every week.

I've had plenty of long distances, and it didn't work for me because I expressed myself and the dude was like, no, I don't want to call you anymore. I'll call you or text you once or twice a week. And I was like, that's not a relationship to me. That sounds like a very convenient situation for you. So it's also like, there's a difference between, is this your anxiety or is this person giving you breadcrumbs

and blatantly treating you like shit? Because just because somebody doesn't text you, but they plan on dates and they do all that, it's like, cool, that doesn't mean you can't have a conversation with them and share with them that you'd like more communication. It's just about also being cognizant that that person might say, I don't want to. And then it's like, cool, here's the question I posed to you. Are you going to walk away from a potential connection because in the beginning you're

uncomfortable, you don't know where it's going to grow to? Or are you just going to fucking learn to sit in that discomfort and learn to take control of your anxiety and to self-soothe and say, you know what, I'm going to grow from this? But what's the worst that's going to happen? It doesn't work out? Well, I'm no different than where I was now. But the benefit and the reward I have is I've grown from this. I've become a better version of myself.

I can manage my expectations. I'm able to sit in discomfort. I'm able to challenge my thoughts. And guess what? You might meet a really awesome fucking human being at the end of that. I'm so grateful I pushed through my anxiety with tech eye. I'm so fucking grateful because I would never have given a really great person a chance. Again, as I always say, I don't know where this is going to go.

I've no, neither does he. No one's God and no one can guarantee a relationship here. And just because I give advice as well doesn't mean that this is going to pan out in the way you want. Just because you do this with somebody doesn't mean that it's going to work. But what you're doing is you're setting boundaries and you're demanding better for yourself. And it's really big to challenge your anxiety. Is it an excuse or is it an explanation? An explanation I can hear because then we start to talk about ways that we're going to combat this. But an excuse, I don't have fucking patience for excuses because you're just trying to excuse bad behavior and say, but I'm anxious. Cool. You want to

pass for that? Because guess what? Secure people? They can understand anxiety, but there are certain things that will push people away. And it's not about, well, they're not right for me then. It's like, no, dude, eventually you have to take ownership of your fucking dating life. And eventually you have to admit, shit, I might be pushing people away. And to the avoidance out there, learn to let people in. Just because someone is communicating with you, just because someone says that they want a relationship, spoiler alert, doesn't mean that they want one with you. So if somebody's texting you, they're trying to get to know you. It's cool to set a boundary. Hey, I think you're great. I'm really enjoying getting to know you and I'm really into you. But I don't. I don't.

don't want to text every day. This is not an indication of my interest in you. This is purely how I handle things. Are you cool with that? It's a conversation. So when you start to date somebody, slow and steady wins the race. It helps you self-soothe. It helps you handle your anxiety. It helps the other person handle their avoidance and not feel like they're being suffocated. And you know what it really does? It helps you fucking get to know somebody. It helps you get to know somebody on a more authentic and real level. Because guess what? If this is your person, you have all the time in the to get to know them. You have all the time in the world to have all the fun and do all the things and text all day. And like, I have been enjoying the fact that tech guy and I have progressed over

the course of the three months. Like I was shocked yesterday when he texts me. I missed you already because he went away for three weeks. And I was like, oh, because I gave some fucking space. I express myself. It's not like I don't, but I don't overexpress myself. I don't overcompensate by trying to quell my anxiety by screaming at the top of my lungs or trying to get someone to listen to me or trying to push them into doing something that they are very clearly not wanting to do. So the whole texting and dating thing really just chocks up to learning some patience, learning to sit in discomfort, learning to challenge your thoughts, both sides of the coin. And I just think we all have so much to learn and live. And I had somebody today say, well, I made a post about if you like somebody

and you want to see them, what you should say, which is just, hey, I'd love to see you. Been thinking about you. I'd love to see you. A gal Powell wrote in and said, no, that's a surefire way you're going to get ghosted anytime you show interest to a guy, he's going to run away. And it's like, wow, we have a lot to unpack here, don't we? Don't we? That's, first of all, that's some shit thinking. That is some really rigid thinking. You now, so nobody, oh, the second you show interest, a guy's going to run away. Wow. So how long do you think that's sustainable for? I ask you that question. How long do you think that you can just sit back like a Disney princess in her fucking castle waiting for the night to come and give her one kiss and take her off and sweep her off

her feet because like I said, you want someone that's going to do all the chasing and you don't do anything. You are equally as unhealthy as they are because that is not sustainable. Eventually in a relationship, one person has to make concessions and the other person has to fucking talk. Crazy. I know. It's really wild. I just think texting and dating, I think a lot of people put way too much stress into it and also a lot of people put the wrong idea about texting of what it means. just because a guy or a girl is texting you all day does not mean that they want a relationship with you. What that means is that they like the dopamine hit.

They like to have somebody to talk to. Why do you think you get all this? Oh, he told me he didn't want a relationship and he still texts me all the time because you are giving him access to do that. You're allowing him to text you all the time and have his cake and eat it too. If you want a relationship from somebody and you want a certain something from them and they're not giving that to you, well, then why do you allow them to keep having access to you?

So just because a guy's texting you morning, noon, and I've had that. I got the good morning test. I got the night text. I got all those sweet lovey-dovey text. Sure enough, he fucking ended it like a couple weeks later. Almost every time when a guy comes on really, really strong, the pull away is equally as dramatic because it's more jarring. It's really uncomfortable.

And then you start to notice, you start to create the narrative. Oh my God, he's not texting me as much. He doesn't like me. And I'm this and I'm this. Which none of that could be true. That person could be emotionally unavailable and came on really strong to you because they thought that's what they wanted. And then they wrote a check that they weren't fucking ready to cash.

Ever thought of that? It's not always a. about you. And that's where like a bit of a narcissism comes in. It's like, hey, the world doesn't revolve around you. Just because somebody is outdoing other shit or not contacting you doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you. That just means that that person's living their life in a different way. And then it also comes down to compatibility. If you are seeing somebody and you don't like the way they communicate with you, that's okay to say, I don't like this. I don't think we're compatible. But that's why I always say, if someone's showing up for you in other ways,

if somebody is making plans, sticking to those plans, opening up to you when they're with you, being more vulnerable wanting you to meet friends and family, just because they don't text you all the time doesn't mean that you can't still grow in a relationship and doesn't mean down the road that they're not going to want to text you. A lot of people are doing this because they also want to keep themselves measured and they don't want to fall into a trap as well of like over, overdoing it and then getting hurt again because then they know it's going to hurt both parties and they know the other person's going to get hurt. So that's also why I say like shift their perspective. It is not a mutually exclusive thing. And then on that same token, if you are seeing something,

if somebody is not communicating with you, not calling you, not texting you, not asking you to hang out, no, that person's not into you. I'm not sure even half the time why that's even a question. And I know this sounds harsh and you know, y'all, I say this with love because tough love sometimes is what you need to hear. But if someone is blatantly disrespecting you and your time, that doesn't mean that you need to allow them further access. What I'm saying with the texting and dating is to give some good people a chance, to allow something to grow over time and to not let your anxiety and the fear of the future take over so hard that you inadvertently push really amazing people away because you can't sit in discomfort and that doing something new is

uncomfortable to you. So that's the spiel on texting and dating. And I think a lot of us have some growing to do. A lot of us have some fucking demons that we need to face. A lot of us have, you know, very few people in these major cities truly are secure. Like I know they say 50% of the population's secure. I have a feeling they're conveniently located in every other besides New York, L.A., Miami, Texas. It's hard. It's really hard. And it's like we also have to remember, too, that dating, you know, we're also the first generation that is so accepting of divorce.

Like our parents started that, but they weren't used to that. Their parents' generation did not divorce. They were together for 60, 70 years, whatever. And like, that was it. You married your high school sweetheart. You married the first person that your parents told you to marry. You married. Our parents started the divorce generation because they did the same thing.

At 20, they got married and realized, fuck. This isn't my person. So now our generation is going, oh, I'm not going to, I'm not just going to get in bed with anybody. Well, I should use a different saying because some people do get in bed with everybody. Our generation is saying, I don't want to land in divorce. I don't want to just marry somebody because they check a few fucking shallow boxes. I want to make sure that this is my person. And it's about being the version of yourself that you want to show up so that that's the person that you also receive.

Because if you want somebody to do all this work, what are you doing for yourself? And I don't say what do you bring to the table in the sense of like, prove to me why you belong here. No, no, no. When I say, what are you bringing to the table for yourself? What's the healing that you've done? What is the work that you've done on you? That you want this amazing, incredible partner that's going to be communicative, open, honest. But are you that?

Are you able to receive that? Are you creating a safe space to where they can do that? Because think about it, if somebody's not texting you for a day and you fucking lose it, why would that person feel comfortable expressing themselves and being open to you? you, you can't handle that. So it's like, again, the tough love. We are super accessible right now. I see that.

And I'm not saying that you shouldn't be, somebody shouldn't answer you back. This isn't, again, I think there's a misconception here of just because people are available that they owe you something. Just because I'm on my phone, that then all of a sudden I owe you an answer. No, I don't, actually.

I'm busy. I'm doing my shit. Tech guy texts me 45 minutes ago, and I've been doing this and I haven't answered. If he started freaking out on me, I'd be like, yeah, what the fuck is your deal? dude, yeah, I'm on my phone. You're right. I'm on TikTok. I'm on my iPad. I'm doing all this stuff.

Doesn't mean I can answer you. Doesn't mean I have the bandwidth to handle a conversation with you. So, yeah, we are very accessible. But just because we're accessible doesn't mean that we have to be accessible to every person. And there's also something that some people like autonomy. I've had so many people comment, like, thank you for saying this. Just because I'm on my phone doesn't mean I want to have a conversation with people. A conversation requires back and forth. And some people don't want to do that. They're like, yeah, I can mindlessly scroll on TikTok and Instagram, but that doesn't necessarily mean that I want to talk full on and hear about your day and what are you feeling? And then you have to remember, too, sometimes that'll open the can of worms of

emotions and plans. And some people are like, I just don't have it right now. And that's okay. But there's a difference between that and excusing shit behavior. If somebody has been very forthcoming to you that they don't like texting and you're like, okay, cool, that I understand. And again, they're not making plans or they're blatantly ignoring you for 24 hours. No, that's just shitty behavior. Like, I think we're old enough to understand the difference between somebody having a life and maybe running a business or being super busy and somebody who's just blatantly ignoring you and not showing you interest because if somebody is on maybe on their phone or doing something else and then they text you hey so sorry he was just super caught up yes my god i'd love to see you

and then they pick up from that great but if somebody you've texted to say hey i would love to see you and they ignore you for 12 hours and then later go sounds good i mean no no shit they're not into you like we don't need and here's the thing too you don't need someone to tell you that you don't need someone to tell you that. You can be discerning enough to understand that and to see that behavior and say, you know what? No, thank you. That's not what I want. I deserve better. And all you're doing is giving them space. Because the tighter you hold on to somebody, you don't know this person. You don't know this person. You've had two, three, four dates. What's that? What's the fuck is that? I think God, I kept going with the tech guy. If I had based my shit on the two, three or four

dates, I'd been like he's boring. I don't like him. Oh my God, he's opened up so much over time because he feels safe to do so. So allow some people to feel safe to do so, but also be super discerning and see the difference between, no, this is just you're being disrespectful and rude versus this person showing up in other ways. They might not be texting me,

but they just made plans for our weekend to go away. There's other things that people do besides show it one way. And then when it comes to texting with an X and things like that, babe, going to allow an ex to come back in, that's on you. You can block somebody. You can ignore their text. You don't have to. You don't have to answer. Take control of your dating life. Stop blaming

everybody else. Stop blaming the people that, well, they're not responding to me. Then why the fuck are you still hanging out with them? If you don't like the way they're communicating with you, then stop letting them have access to you. If it doesn't make you feel good, if it causes you to lose your peace, it is way too expensive right there. So let's call a spade a spade here. texting is not the end-all-be-all. I can promise you. I can fucking promise you this. If a guy comes on real strong, I can guarantee you it's going to fizzle just as quickly. Guarantee it. I very rarely do you hear that it doesn't. So again, if you are seeing somebody and if their communication doesn't work for you, all you can say is, hey, is this a time where

you can receive some feedback? Cool. I, like I told the tech guy, I remember, I said, you know, this is an adjustment for me. He said what? And I said, the texting. I was like, I'm used to more texting. I'm used to that. And I was like, and I'm adjusting because it makes me feel like you don't like me when I don't hear from you. And it's an eye statement. I feel not you did this. You make me feel take control of your dating life.

I feel this. Okay. And then he said, thank you for letting me know. I did not know that's how I was coming off, not my intention. But intention without action means nothing. So now I need to step it up and do a little bit better. And he managed expectations. Doesn't mean I'm going to be fucking texting you all the time, but I will at least text you

once a day. Great. Progress. And then I just sat back and let it happen. And I let him come to me a little bit. Give the space in between. Stop trying to hold on so tight because you need the texting and you need the validation because you're scared they're going to leave.

Because guess what? They might leave. And then what? You're going to fucking lose your shit every time? No. You're going to pick the pieces up and you get back out there and you do it again. So that's my spiel on texting, guys. I think we all have a lot of growth.

I think we all have a lot of places that we can explore. And I implore you to give people a chance if they, are trying in other ways. Like I said, if they are being disrespectful to you, if they are not respecting your time, your energy, they're not reciprocating, fucking cut them. And I know people might say, you're insensitive. I'm not insensitive. I'm just realistic. And I also know that life is going to go by really quick. I lost my dog two months ago. And I have been struggling to get through my days because it's a harsh reality that we don't, they're numbered at this point. We don't have a lot of time. And it's really important to not waste time and energy on

somebody that didn't fucking deserve it or at all. I'm sorry, I'm fucking mumbling right now because what I'm trying to say is only give your energy to people who deserve your energy. My sister always says, our days are like a battery. When it dies that battery, that's it. And you don't have anything left to give. So make sure you're filling your own cup and healing your shit. Somebody else is in addition to not instead of your life. So remember that. When you meet somebody you're dating, they're just another fucking fucking person that you're dating. That's it. Release the fucking attachment, release the pressure, release the chokehold, and let it organically happen. Because your anxiety, when you put yourself through anxiety twice, you're fucking terrified

that this person's going to leave you and all worried and all that, and then it's going to happen and then you're going to go through it again. Or try something different, try something new, try with a person that you might not normally go for and learn from it and grow from it. And then you'll start to realize, sweet, yeah, yeah, yeah, I could do this. Holy shit, I can do this. Wow, I didn't need to text me all the time and you get better. It's about, like I said, you don't go to the gym and get a six-pack by the next day. It takes time. So this is a muscle that you have to develop.

But if you don't start somewhere and you just keep going with the, well, I need them to text me. Otherwise, I'm not okay. It's like, you know what? Be the definition of insanity. Keep doing the same shit and expecting a different result. But if you wonder why there's something going on and you keep seeing the same patterns, yeah, if it looks like a duck and it looks like a duck. If everyone's telling you're an asshole, turn around to see if you have a tail.

So that's it for. this episode of Do the Work podcast. I hope that I answered some questions on the texting and dating. I hope I gave some clarity. And I hope that I was able to at the very least shift your perspective just a fucking little bit to see another side of things. Because not everything is black and white. And when it comes to dating, there are so many gray areas. So until next week, thank you guys again so much. And I can't wait to have our next episode, which I think at this point is going to be on what does do the work really mean? All right. Until next time. Yeah for now.