The Sabrina Zohar Show - 205: How to Heal After a Breakup When You're Anxious

Episode Date: May 22, 2026

It's 2am, you've checked their Instagram three times, and your body still aches for the person you know wasn't right. In this episode, Sabrina unpacks the anxious attachment breakup: why anxiously attached people chase, ruminate, and spiral after a relationship ends, what new research reveals about the nervous system pull toward an ex, and the one move keeping most anxious people stuck in the loop. This is part one of a four-part breakup series covering anxious, avoidant, disorganized, and secure attachment styles. Expect honest talk on post-breakup rumination, no contact, withdrawal symptoms, self-abandonment, and how to stop chasing emotionally unavailable partners, plus a 30-second reframe to interrupt the spiral the next time your brain starts to loop. Pre-order Sabrina's book coming out October 2026,⁠ "Why Am I Like This?"⁠ Get your free workbook and access to the companion course after pre-ordering 'Why Am I Like This?' by filling out the form at the bottom of the page at http://sabrinazohar.com/book If you’re ready to slow down, trust your instincts, and break your old dating patterns, the Healthy Relationship Foundations Course walks you through it step-by-step  ⁠HERE!⁠ If you’re serious about changing your dating patterns instead of repeating them, the Art of Going Slow course helps you unlearn urgency, regulate your nervous system, and build real connection without rushing, chasing, or abandoning yourself ⁠HERE!⁠ Get Ad free ⁠HERE!⁠  Watch on Spotify. Spotify subscribers get fewer ads on my video. Want to work with Sabrina? ⁠HERE!⁠  Get merch for The Sabrina Zohar Show ⁠HERE!⁠  Don't forget to follow ⁠Sabrina⁠ and ⁠The Sabrina Zohar Show⁠ on Instagram and ⁠Sabrina ⁠on TikTok! Video now available on ⁠YOUTUBE!⁠ Please support our sponsors! Start your new morning ritual & get up to 43% off your @MUDWTR with code SABRINAZOHAR at mudwtr.com/SABRINAZOHAR! #mudwtrpod This episode is sponsored by Betterhelp. Get 10% off your first month of Betterhelp at betterhelp.com/sabrina Go to ⁠IM8HEALTH.com/SABRINA⁠ and use code SABRINA for a Free Welcome Kit, five free travel sachets plus ten percent off your order ============================= Chapters: 00:00 - The 2am anxious breakup spiral 04:54 - Why you feel withdrawal from your ex 07:08 - Rumination and the pull toward your ex 11:43 - Both sides of an anxious breakup 15:48 - Why your 2am thoughts feel true 17:21 - Self punishment after a breakup 20:23 - How to actually get over a breakup 24:45 - Why anxious people grow most 27:47 - Tool of the week: the reframe swap 31:12 - Grief vs self punishment Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formerly known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A.Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey y'all, it's Kelly Clarkson with Wayfair. Ever order furniture online and wonder what if? Like, what if it doesn't hold up? That sofa was four days old. You should have ordered from Wayfair. With Wayfair, there's no what if. Just style you love and quality you can trust. Visit Wayfair. Wayfair, every style, every home. It's 2 a. You've checked their Instagram three times since you got in bed. You drafted a text you're not going to send. Maybe you are. You've read the old ones you shouldn't be reading, and the worst part is you fucking know better. Because you've done the quizzes, especially mine. You've read the books. You know you're anxiously attached or that you're dating somebody that is, and it isn't helping.

Because knowing the name of what's happening hasn't made it stop. Hello, hello, hello! And welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar Show. My name is Sabrina Zohar, and I am your host. Welcome back, babes. We're doing another series. This is the first of a four-episode part, and today is the anxious breakup. Next week is going to be the avoidant and the disorganized and the secure.

Listen to all four so you can understand different perspectives and evolve in different ways, baby. But today we're going to understand the anxious perspective, the experience, how to handle shit, and really start to understand, like, what comes up for you, right? We're going to talk about why you want someone that is pulling away no matter how clearly your brain sees the truth, what the new research says about it, and the one move most anxious people are making that's keeping them stuck. So let's fucking go. And baby, I'm not going to spend this entire episode teaching you what anxious attachment is because you already know that. We are not going to keep looking at the label.

We're going to start to look at the pattern. And I want to really get a little deeper today and in this series. So I really hope you guys love it. Thank you, as always, for being here. Don't forget to rate and review the show. Share it with a friend. Please leave a comment. And with kindness, that's all I ask, right?

Like, yes, I curse a lot. If you're new here, I say fuck every few words. I speak really fast. That is how we have it. We do have ads because this is how we keep the show free for you. guys, you're welcome to subscribe and get ad-free. And if this isn't the community for you, that is okay. But we don't have to leave really mean things and hurtful things just because it's not a preference for you. And baby, I, well, everybody is welcome, but it is not my job to keep you all here.

So I like to just give the lay of the land because this is a community that really means a lot to me. And I really want this to feel safe and comfortable for everybody. And I do not take offense if I am not for you. But I hope that you don't go into dating trying to change other people or yelling at people because they don't do what you like. Hey guys. Okay. Sorry. interrupt. I know. I was saying something really brilliant and you were probably like, oh my God, this girl is so smart. I have to listen. Well, I'm so excited because I get to share first with you guys. Oh my God. Sorry, I squealed. I had to. How could I not? You guys, you could pre-order the book. Now it is available. It's called Why Am I Like This? It helps you break your relationship patterns and

create the life you fucking deserve. You guys, this was my labor of love. I wrote this because this is all of the amalgamation of the neuroscience, the psychology, the attachment styles, and the personal fucking experience that I could ever put into one incredible book, and I am so fucking proud of it. Don't forget, if you guys pre-order right now, it is available until October 13th to pre-order, and then it's out then. You get a free course as a thank you. It is a three-week course to accompany the book. So pre-order book right now, share it with your friends, tell everyone you fucking know.

And guys, I literally could not do this without you. So thank you for believing me. Thank you for being here. And now get back to the amazing content. I love my time with my friends. Hi, babes. to see you. Don't forget to. Stay until the end. We have the tool of the week. It's a reframe you can use the next time your brain starts to spiral. It takes about 30 fucking seconds and it targets the exact part

of rumination that research has identified is the actual fucking problem. I'm so excited to be here, babes. It's interesting. My one-on-one work has really evolved recently, which if you guys want anything, you guys email all the time. Sabrina'sover.com. Check it out. Anything you need. You can join a course, work one-on-one, add free, ask a question, or just be part of the fucking community. There's a couple free guides, a new quiz we made. I gotcha, babes. But I think think what's interesting is it goes in cycles, right? The breakups. We look at it right before cuffing season happens. That's when people start to, right, in that wintertime, like in October, November, there's a big breakup season. And then now in April or May or June, right, in kind of those

earlier summer times when it's, cuffing season is over, suns out, it buns out. And almost every single client I've had in the last two months has been breakups, helping move through it, understand it. And it's given me a new perspective. Because I'll be honest, have I ever been dumped? I have, I have been told that somebody doesn't want to date me or that they don't want to continue seeing me, but in actual relationships, I'm usually the one that ends it. And the pattern for me that I found was I would rush into a relationship because I wanted the safety and I wanted to just know ahead of partner and I wanted the validation. Then I would date them and realize, oh, I don't actually like this person or like we're just not compatible. And then I would usually end it. And I will be

100% transparent. Being dumped sucks, but so does dumping. It is not a great feeling. Nobody wants to hurt somebody else. Nobody wants to feel like the bad guy. But it does have to be done because I think the kindest thing that you could fucking do is break up with someone and let them free because they now have the opportunity to meet the right person and so do you. The more we pretend, the more we bullshit and the more we keep somebody just because it makes us feel like we're the bad guy. To me, that's incredibly manipulative because you're not actually doing that for them. You're doing it so that you don't look like in the wrong and you don't look like a bad person.

At the end of the day, the kindest thing you could do is let this fucking person go. So I did a Q&A box. So if you guys don't follow along, the Sabrina Zohar show on Instagram is where we do question boxes. And so for a lot of the solos or even guest episodes, I will ask you guys. And the most common thing I heard from you in this Q&A for this series was some version of it feels physical. My body yearns for them. It's like a withdrawal. It's a pull.

I can't stop. And I'll read you one exactly. How to stop chasing them. It's like my body and my nervous system yearn for them even if they're not interested. And I get it, right? We think that your brain is just being dramatic. It's not. This is actually an accurate description of something researchers have actually measured.

let's get into some studies, shall we? Because I really, really want you guys to feel supported in these, but I think it's important to quantify. You guys ask for the studies. I'm happy to send you the journals, the articles. Some of them are a little clunky. I read them and I'm like, all right, I got to sit here and process. I like, I'll be like, all right, reduce this down to what this means. But I do think it's interesting to not just have clickbait and sayings and things.

It's like, let's actually get down to the nitty-gritty. So in 2022, there was a study in the Journal of Behavioral Therapy and Experimental Psychiatry. Researchers had people who had recently gone through a breakup to a time, task called an approach avoidance task. Yeah, the word avoidance was in there, don't you see? You sit at a computer and move a little figure toward or away from images as fast as you can. Pictures of your ex, pictures of strangers, pictures of a landscape, your conscious mind isn't choosing, your body is reacting. And what they found is that anxiously attached people had a measurable, automatic approach bias towards images of their ex, meaning your body literally moved towards

them before your brain could intervene. So it's not metaphorical. It was measured in milliseconds. Your nervous system is pulling you toward the person you're trying to leave, and it's happening a lot faster than your brain can actually get involved. So let's sit with that for a second. The pull you feel is real. It's actually measurable. It's not a lack of willpower. It's not weakness. You're not a fucking idiot.

You're not broken. Your body is doing something your brain can't override through effort because the pull is happening before effort even became an option. And this is why every time you've told yourself, just don't text them. And then you text them anyways, right? The explanation was never that you're broken and you're fucked up. It's that you're trying to use the slowest part of your brain to stop the fastest part of your body. That is a fight you will lose almost every fucking time until you understand what's actually happening. And here's where it gets important.

The same study found that the polls were strongest in people who were ruminating about the breakup. So the more you think about them, the stronger the automatic pull, which is what we're going to get into next, because rumination is doing something to you that is very different than what most people think. Now, we have an episode on, am I ruminating and spiraling and how to stop? So if you guys want to go back, feel free. You can listen to that. I'm not 100% the app. Sure, but if you're on Spotify, literally or Apple Top, just type and ruminate and it'll bring up the episode.

You know, it's interesting. I have talked about Eternal Sunshine before and my connection with Clem, but I remember, especially as an anxious girlie, when I would get broken up. I don't know if you guys had ever seen it, but there's the one part of the woman crying, right? She's sitting there as their brain mapping about her dog that passed. I couldn't fathom doing that because Clem created me. But the whole point is that Joel, or I'm not going to give it away, but like he goes into erase his memory of Clementine, of the relationship. I used to sit and think, God, could I do that? Could I please erase this whole thing and stop being haunted by the memories?

Until I had to stop and get really real for a second. Every ex and every past and every relationship that didn't work out created the version of you who you are. So the more we try to get rid of those parts, the more that we're saying, I don't want to be who I actually am. I'm not saying that you should sit and cry every single night because, oh my God, I'm a piece of shit and there's something wrong with me. I don't want you to have a negative self-talk. But the more we try to get rid of negative experiences and pretend like they didn't happen, the more they're going to actually persist. But I am who I am because of all the relationships I went through. I am a sum of all of my parts.

I have a sense of humor because I went through trauma. Uh-huh. Makes you funny. I have experience. I understand how you feel because I've been through it. And I couldn't imagine erasing my memory of the biggest and most important relationship. I had ever had and the heartbreaks. I learned more about life through heartbreak than I ever did through success. I learned more from the failures I had than all of the success I had combined. Why? Because I didn't fucking forget. I remember how I felt. I remember how low I felt. I remember how shitty it felt. And I remember how I promised myself I was never going to allow that to fucking happen again. So if you're in your slum, look at it now as what can I learn from this? How can I evolve from this and how can I move through it as opposed to I don't ever want to feel this again? I can't get rid of it and I don't want to do this and I'm just ruminating and spiraling.

The more you resist it, the more it will persist. There is somebody out there grateful that the last person fucked it up and lost you. There is somebody out there counting their lucky stars that they're going to meet you and that you are exactly what they've always wanted. So instead of focusing on the person that couldn't be there for you, that couldn't satisfy your needs, maybe you can remember who the fuck you are and get excited that there is somebody out there that will be grateful to meet you and they just haven't done that yet. This episode is sponsored by Mudwater.

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perfect for days when you want energy without the buzz. And also, I'm obsessed with their macha. The macha's delicious. I have it sitting on my counter. You can maybe even add some cream or some honey, even some CBD, baby, and get the day started. So if you're ready to make the switch to cleaner energy, head to mudwater.com and grab your starter kit today. Right now, our listeners get an exclusive deal, up to 43% off your entire order, plus free shipping and a free rechargeable frother when you use code Sabrina Zohar. right, baby. Up to 43% off with code Sabrina Zohar at M-U-D-W-T-R.com. After your purchase, they'll ask you how you found them. Please show your support and let them know the Sabrina Zohar show sent you.

If this is all clicking for you and you actually want to work of like reviewing your patterns before your next relationship, I have the Healthy Dating Foundation course. It's the course I built for the version of you that doesn't want to repeat this, not the Get Them Back version, the never do this to yourself again version. The link is in the show notes and the foundation piece has to happen before anything else we talk about today becomes sustainable. So don't forget that. If you need it, I got you, baby. So let's talk about ruminating.

And really quick, actually, before we segment into that, I want to also be clear. This episode, as you can hear, is very tailored to somebody who is anxious going through a breakup. But I also want to take a minute for the person that maybe breaking up with somebody who's anxious. I see both sides of the coin. I get clients and I see both aspects. And I will say this, I know that as the anxious detatcher, you are struggling and saying, but I'm hurting and I really want them to understand. But baby, I don't think you know the other side of it.

It is incredibly overwhelming after a breakup to feel like you just can't be that this person's constantly texting you, messaging you, crying, sending you things, harassing you, calling, begging for you back. I don't think you understand the other side of it. And I know that you're hurting and that you just want to be able to say, but if I just get it out, if I release it, maybe they'll hear me. But baby, that's a core belief because you don't feel hurt or seen by somebody, but that's not this person. Here's a harsh reality about breakups that the internet doesn't fucking talk about. If you can't sleep, you can't eat, you can't stop thinking about this person, it is nothing to do with them. That is your nervous system feeling dysregulated because you feel abandoned or you feel like your core beliefs were just reaffirmed. Especially if it's the next person's going to get this and I did this and I didn't get it.

That has actually nothing to do with them and everything to do with the fact that you think you're the problem and that the next person's going to suddenly get all of those things, you didn't. At the end of the day, people don't fucking change that quickly. You didn't and they won't either, baby. And I say this with love and I am not trying to be a dickhead about it. But the next person ain't getting anything you fucking didn't. Maybe they're more aligned. Maybe the next person they date is more aligned with them. Maybe they don't trigger them in the same ways.

But I could say the same about you. That you might meet somebody that doesn't cause you to feel so anxious and disregulated because they're consistent and they're reciprocal and they don't activate that part of you. I could say this with certainty. I might have been a hot mess when I dated. But the version that Ryan got was the version a lot of other men got prior to him because I had done the work and I was ready to date and I was showing up differently. but just because they couldn't handle it doesn't mean that everybody couldn't.

And that was a big shift I had after a breakup was no one's ever going to love me, no one's going to accept me, no one's going to want me as I am. But that was just me projecting my insecurities onto everybody else because there are plenty of people out there that would fucking think their lucky stars to have an opportunity to even be with me.

So if I'm so focused on the person that didn't give a shit, then that actually has nothing to do with them. I've just assigned value to them and now there's novelty created in my head. And so now let's talk about why you ruminate and it's not about what you think, right? This is where most anxious people misunderstand what's happening.

Rumination is when your mind replays the same scene, the same conversation, the same question on loop. Why did they do that? What did I miss? Did they ever love me? What should I have said? What should I have done? What if I hadn't? It feels like you're getting closer to an answer and it feels productive, but it isn't.

There's a study done by Safri and Ehrenberg published in personal relationships that looked at this specifically. And what they found is that rumination doesn't resolve the feeling. It extends it. It keeps your nervous system activated around the breakup for so much fucking longer. I see this all the time because people who ruminated more had significantly worse post-breakup adjustment. The loop you think is helping you process is actually the thing keeping the wound open. And here's what matters. There are two different kinds of repetitive thinking about a breakup and the research distinguishes them.

One is called brooding. That's the why me replay the scene, circle the same fucking question type. The other is called reflective pondering. That's actively trying to understand what happened in a way that's going to change what you do next. Anxious people tend to brood, which makes sense because brooding is what your nervous system does when it can't tolerate the not knowing. Your body wants resolution so bad that your mind will keep generating fake resolution

over and over again because any answer feels safer than keeping the question open, baby. And I think the hardest part is that the answers your brain is producing at 2 a.m. are not true. They feel true, but they're not true. I had this even the other day.

Something happened, and I sat there and I was like, fuck this, I've done. And I believed it. In that moment, I believed it. My cortisol was up. I was a cranky girl. I hadn't eaten. I knew my blood sugar was dropping.

And then a few hours later, I was like, who is she? What? I don't believe that. I even apologize to one of my friends. I was like, hey, I think I was being a dick. I'm so sorry. And she was like, oh my God, no, dude, bitch to me anytime. Don't worry about it. And I had to stop and I was like, don't believe everything you think. Just because it's a thought doesn't fucking mean it's true. Start to challenge your thoughts. Start to get curious about what's coming up. Instead of just giving into everything and being like, that's it. I'm done. Maybe challenge it. Put them on trial. Start to think of future you and start to actually fucking do something different in your life. If you want to see a different result,

nothing changes if nothing changes, so I need you to start doing things differently if you actually want to live a different fucking life. And I know it. You're generating the worst case interpretations because your body is in a threat state, and threat states produce threat-shaped thoughts. This is why you can be completely rational about the relationship at 2 p.m. and then destroyed about at 2 a.m. Your cognition shift based on your physiological state. The facts didn't change your nervous system. That is why your state determines your story, determines your strategy. When you are dysregulated, the story is, I'm not enough, and there's something wrong with me, and I knew they were going to leave me, which created. It's your strategy. I need to get them back. I need to activate. I need to earn. I need to do. Versus if you regulate, your state is, okay, I'm here. The story is, okay, it just didn't work out.

That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with me. And the strategy is, it's time for me to fucking move on and be with the person that's actually for me. You do get a choice. That is up to you now of which one you're going to make. This episode is sponsored by Better Help. Guys, May's Mental Health Awareness Month. And this is really a reminder that whatever you're going through baby, you don't have to go through it alone. You're not the only one. I still struggle every day, whether that be with my core beliefs, feeling like I'm not enough, worried that I may lose everything tomorrow. And I don't know what I would do without my therapist there to really help me and to be with me, right, to listen, to understand, to support me, how much of a difference that truly makes.

And that's why I love BetterHelp. So BetterHelp therapists work according to a strict code of conduct and are fully licensed in the U.S. And the best part is that BetterHelp does the initial matching work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals. You answer, Short questionnaire, it helps you identify your needs. And if at any time you're not happy with your therapist, you could just press, find a new therapist, and it will match you with somebody else instantly. It is incredible, baby. You don't have to be on this journey alone. Find support and have someone with you in therapy.

Sign up and get 10% off at betterhelp.com slash Sabrina. That's betterhELP.com slash Sabrina. And there's more. There's always more. At 2024 longitudinal study, Gail and colleagues in emerging adulthood tracked 196 people through their breakups. They measured attachment style before the breakup and then measured coping strategies one month out and distress levels three months out. What they found is that the single biggest predictor of who was still in acute distress at the three month mark wasn't the attachment style, it was the coping. Specifically, self-blame, self-punishment, self-focused rumination, picking yourself apart for what you did wrong, what you said wrong, how you felt you were too much, and why they left.

and that's what most anxious people do. And the study is really clear about this. Self-punishment coping at one month predicted significantly more depression and anxiety at three months. It's not just unhelpful. It's actually making the recovery longer. So when your brain is doing the thing where it's listing all the ways you fucked up and all the ways you were too anxious and all the punishment, I need you to understand what you're actually doing.

You're not processing. You're not learning. You're running a coping strategy that the research has specifically identified as the one thing that will keep you stuck the longest. Which brings us to the move that actually changes us. and I have been there, I have done that, my babes. I used to sit there and think like there's something wrong with me. I even did that up into the podcast.

When I have a week where the episodes will be down and you're like, oh, oh, okay. And so I have to actively stop because I'm like, oh, that's it. They hate me and they don't like me anymore and they don't want to be with me. That doesn't mean like the biggest fallacy about healing is that these thoughts just go away. I'm never going to be sad. I'm never going to be triggered. I'm never going to feel this. Yeah, you fucking will.

But what you do now is you have a choice about how you're going to allow it to impact you, how much you're going to give into it. and the tools that you use to pattern interrupt. Healing doesn't mean it all just goes away. Healing means you learn to fucking live with it, and now you know what to do when it comes up. And that took me a minute, because I was like, oh, God, am I living in victim mode?

Am I that? No, I just allowed myself to feel sad. I allowed myself, right? You go on a date. It doesn't work out. That doesn't mean you have to pretend that it didn't hurt you. You're allowed to go, oh, that sucked. I really liked that person.

I was hopeful it would work out. Then just leave it there. Just be in that. Versus, it's the same with me. Like, if I do a casting I don't get. or an episode that I thought was going to crush it doesn't do as well. Okay, I'm bummed. Someone left me a review the other day.

It hurt my feelings. I cried for maybe two minutes. I looked at Ryan and I said, okay. And he said, baby, this is going to happen a lot more to you. So I need you to get used to it. What was I going to do? Like, go find this person? No?

I allowed myself to be sad. It's the same as when you get the breakup text or the, you know, hey, I think you're amazing, but I'm just not feeling it. And I know you want to fucking punch a wall. It's like, you're allowed to cry and feel and, and scream and hit a pillow. But then what are you going to do with that? You're going to allow that to dictate your worth?

Are you going to allow that to dictate who the fuck you are? Are you going to say, okay, I'm a human? But being sad doesn't mean that that determines my entire fucking strategy for the entire day. It doesn't mean I'm going to go and blow shit up, literally or figuratively, because I didn't get my way. So I give you permission. I know. If you're going through it, allow yourself. And if you've been through it, proud of you for making it out on the other side, baby.

All right, let's talk about the move that's actually keeping you stuck. I want to tell you about what the same 2024 study found on the other side. because it's not just about what makes you worse, it's about what makes you better. And the move that predicts recovery is probably not what you think. It's called accommodation coping. And what that means in plain English is this. Here's how you're actually going to get over a breakup. Accepting that the breakup happened, reframing it, and actively replacing what the relationship used to give you with something else.

Not fighting the reality, not ruminating on what it means about you, not trying to figure out how to get back. Accept it and mood towards a new fucking routine. Acceptance in the psychological sense is the act of stopping the fight with reality so your energy can move somewhere more useful. You can fully grieve the loss. You can fully believe it mattered, fully believe they were wrong to leave the way they left and still accept that it's over. These are not contradictions that's told two conflicting thoughts. The problem is that the anxious attachment specifically hates this move because acceptance feels like abandonment. If you stop fighting to get them back, it feels like you're abandoning the relationship, abandoning the version of yourself that loved them, abandoning the hope so you keep the loop running and the loop keeps you in pain. And I saw this over and over and over again in the Q&A is the no contact streak that breaks. How do I stay in no contact? How do I stop chasing them? The reality is you're fighting the reality of the breakup with the only tool your nervous system has, which is trying to reestablish contact. You're not actually choosing to text them. Your body is registering the absence of them as a threat, and it's running the same response would run if you'd lost your keys or your wallet or anything else. Search, retrieve, restore. And the research on what actually helps from Spielman, McDonald, and Wilson in 2009,

found that anxiously attached people who focused attention on someone new recovered faster. Now, I want you to be careful here. This doesn't mean date immediately and start to distract yourself. It's not what they found. What they found is that the anxious brain needs somewhere to direct its attachment energy while the old attachment extinguishes. Because white-knuckling the energy with no outlet doesn't work for anxious people. It doesn't have to be a new person. It could be a friend you're putting energy into a project, a community, a creative pursuit. Doesn't really matter, but it has to be real. It has to be something your nervous system can actually land on. Sitting alone, trying to be over it is one of the worst things an anxious person can do. And the research is actually clear on this because most of the healing will tell you the opposite.

What I'm really trying to say is not stop caring about them. That will never work. It has never worked. It's not going to start working now. The work is giving your nervous system new information, something else to go to, something else to reach for, a different rhythm, a different routine, a different shape of your life. And you know what? Your brain is going to fucking scream to you that this is impossible. That no one could matter.

No one else could do. But that's the pattern talking angel. That's not the truth. You want to know how you'll get through no contact? You can't just remember your why. You got to remember your who. Who are you doing this for? Every single time you want to reach out to them.

them, I need you to start to think of future you. What's going to happen if they don't respond in the way that you like? What's going to happen if they ignore your fucking message? Are you going to feel worse about yourself? Then I want to remember who you're doing this for. Every time you reach out to them, you are self-abandoning and telling you're a little you're the fucking problem. They're the solution. So next time, I need you to sit with that. I need you to actually remember why am I reaching out to them? Because it's not actually about them anymore, baby. It's about quelling your anxiety so that you don't have to feel the pain of the rejection. This episode is sponsored by I Am 8.

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everything you need in one convenient drink. Plus, it also tastes delicious. So go to IMA8health.com slash Sabrina right now, or click on the link in the show notes and use code Sabrina for a free welcome kit, five free travel satchets, plus 10% off your order. That's code Sabrina at IMA 8health.com slash Sabrina. Again, code Sabrina at IM8health.com slash Sabrina. These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. Let's go into some good news. Because I'm going to tell you something now that I don't think you've heard in any breakup content and it might be the most important fucking thing of this episode. So a study done by Marshall Bayanen and Forenzi, published in PLOS 1, with two samples of over 870 fucking

people. They wanted to know which attachment style had the most post-breakup personal growth. Not which one suffered the most. Which one actually grew the most? The answer was anxiously attached people. And here's why. The same distress that feels unbearable, the same emotional intensity, the same instability to dismiss what happened is what fuels transformation. Anxious people don't skip the breakup. Your nervous system won't let you. You don't have to feel every bit of it. And research shows that the feeling is what changes you. Avoiding people in the same study had less growth. because the thing that would have grown them, they suppressed. Your capacity for distress is also your capacity for change.

And I want you to really hear that. Because I think anxious people walk around feeling broken for the exact thing that's going to save them, the depth of feeling, the inability to disconnect, the caring so hard it hurts. That's not a disorder. That's just a feature. The work is not making yourself feel less. The work is learning what to do with the feelings so it actually moves you somewhere. This doesn't mean that the pain is fine or that the pattern is fine, maybe. That's not what I'm saying.

It means the sensitivity is not the problem. The coping is the problem. The rumination is the problem. The self-punishment. Those are the things that you can actually change. And when you change them, the same sensitivity that's currently drowning you becomes a thing that builds a different life. This is also why I push back so fucking hard against content that tells anxious people, just become more secure by becoming unbothered. That's not secure.

That's disassociation. Secure people feel very deeply. They grieve. They get hurt. The difference isn't that they feel less. The difference is that their self-content doesn't collapse when connection is threatened. They have a self that exists independently of the connection, so when the connection goes, the self is still there.

And that's the actual work here. It's not feeling less. It's building a self that survives when love isn't reciprocated, which, by the way, is the only kind of self that's actually capable of receiving love that's reciprocated. Look at that, which comes first, the chicken or the egg. A self that depends on the other person to exist can't ever really let love in, right? You only grip it. So the question isn't, how do I stop feeling this?

The question is, can I stay with myself through this without abandoning myself to get them back because every time you abandon yourself to reach for them, you reinforce the pattern that got you here. And every time you stay with yourself through the spike, even messily, even imperfectly, you're building the thing that I can actually fucking change this. That's why I'm a big proponent of after a breakup. I don't need you to stop thinking of them. It's not the answer. I've been through my fair share of breakups, right?

I've had my heart broken. The more I tried to stop thinking of them, the more it kept happening. That what you resist persists. So instead, close the loop. Yeah, I'm thinking of them. Of course I would. They were a big part of my life. and given everything I went through,

no wonder this would cause me a lot of stress and anxiety. Done. End of story. Leave it there. Close the loop on your own, baby. Go outside and look for five things that are yellow. Change your scenery. Do something to help you regulate your nervous system. Even if that means, like, putting on a cute outfit and going to a coffee shop.

I did. I don't know if you noticed. I was wearing jeans. I never wear jeans, but these are fabletics. Just created new jeans. I'm fucking obsessed with them. And you know why? I could have worn leggings today and been like, oh, whatever. No, I put on my cute outfit.

something comfy that makes me feel really good and I'm going to have my day. Instead of being in jam jams and like no makeup and looking like a hot mess around the house, no, I'm going to fucking invest into myself so I feel better about myself and I stop focusing on the things I don't have control over and start focusing on the things that I do have control over, which, by the way, I don't even think this episode is sponsored by Fabletics, but I think you should go buy these jeans because they're so fucking cute and like really affordable, which is not a word that you can say these days. All right, let's talk about the tool of the week, the reframe swap. So here's your tool. It's based directly on the Gall 2020 study. Self-punishment coping is what keeps you stuck. Accommodation coping

is what moves you. So this tool is designed to catch the swap in real time. So here's the practice. Also, by the way, do this with a friend. One of you guys messaged in, it was so sweet. You were like, I'm on the phone with my girlfriend while we're listening to the tool the week or we're doing it together and I love it. I fucking love that. Rely on your community, angel. Even if you create a community, that's why I always encourage you guys to engage in the comments, especially on Spotify or YouTube. build a community, right? I think one of you guys had said, like, on Andrew, and one of the episodes were in the trenches,

like, Andrew call me. And I was like, yes, I think this is great. Andrew comments mostly on YouTube. So if you guys want to date him or any of those people, go find him. I love it. But build a community for yourself. And I know that we're here to support you

because everybody that's listening is trying to do the same work. And I'm really proud of you. And mama's here for you. Okay. Every time you notice yourself in a punishment loop, though, why did I do that? Why am I like this?

What? Is that my book cover? Now you can see why I called it that. Why couldn't I just be normal? You're going to interrupt it with one question. Not a different thought. It's not a reassurance. One question. What's one thing I can do in the next hour that moves me forward? Not solve the breakup, not make them come back, not figure out what went wrong. One small thing. Is that a walk, texting a friend, making actual food, taking a shower, one thing. Self-punishment coping is a closed loop. It doesn't point anywhere except deeper into itself. Accommodation coping is directional. It points out of the loop into your actual life. The question you're asking is doing. the translation work for you. Every time you catch yourself spiraling, it's literally swapping the coping strategy at the moment of activation. And baby, you're going to do this imperfectly. You're going to ruminate for an hour before you remember the question. Fine, catch it. Catch it when you can. You're going to answer the question and then not do the thing. And that's fine. The catching is the practice. Over weeks, your brain starts to offer the question earlier. Over months,

the ratio shifts. Self-punishment moves get shorter because action gets easier. And this is how the pattern actually gets updated. It's not in one conversation with yourself. And it's 100 little swaps. same as, again, going to the gym, right? I have been working out for like nine years at this, eight years at this point. And I am just now starting to see the real results because I'm consistent with it. I used to do it. Then I would stop. Then I'd get injured. Then I'd stop. Then I would do it. That the da-da-da-da-da-da-da. No, baby. Now my ass is juicy like a peach because I am dedicated to it. I am working on it. I am really focusing my energy on like, I want to look the best I can, feel the best I can, be strong. That's my goal.

So that means every fucking day I have to work towards that practice because it's a mental muscle is the same as a physical. That's why I bring that up. The reason I always suggest go to yoga and meditation isn't because I'm like, oh, be part of a cult. No, it's so that you can start to get in your body. So when I say, where do you feel that? You know exactly and how it feels because when I'm in a yoga and they're like, pull your shoulder back and feel it in your socket. And you're like, oh, that's what that feels like.

Got it. Unclench your jaw. You're like, whoa, bitch, I don't even know I was doing that. Start to get more aware of you, your body, because we have to somatically heal. It's not just everything being intellectual. That's why you're still going to fucking loop. Do not use this to bypass your grief, by the way. Feeling the loss is not self-punishment.

Crying is not self-punishment. Missing them is not self-punishment. Self-punishment is specifically the self-blame, the self-criticism, the what the fuck is wrong with me, loop. Grief is allowed. You can cry, you can miss them. Feel it fully. The reframe swap is only for the self-attacking part. And I also want to be real here.

Start to challenge your fucking thoughts. What do you miss so much about this person? The person that couldn't satisfy your needs, the person that couldn't be there for you, the person that dismissed you, you're missing the idea of them. It's not actually about the fucking person. What it actually is, too, is that this reaffirms your core beliefs that there is something wrong with you and maybe they figured it out. But if you are fucking hyperventilating over them, I need you to stop and get curious and make

them a real person. Were they that great? Or did you just feel really good when they chose you? I hope this helped my babes. I hope now you can understand a little bit more about the anxious breakup, while you're ruminating and spiraling and going on the loops. And again, if you dated somebody that was anxious, just know that they're trying to reach for reassurance and to quell the anxiety. That doesn't mean you have to answer, right?

That's the biggest thing is like, that does not mean. If you have broken up with somebody when they have a lot of anxiety, you don't have to keep answering and responding and giving into it. You are allowed to set a boundary and say, hey, I'm going to be clear. This is the last time I'm going to answer. I understand you're hurting, but we are done with this relationship and I'm going to need to be able to move on with my life. They have to be responsible for finding a therapist or a coping mechanism. the person that hurt you isn't the one that's going to heal you. And so if you've broken up with someone, you don't have to overly explain and sit there for hours having phone calls and this.

You said it. You were honest with them. That is the kindest thing that you can do. And it's time for you to move on and they will have to do that as well. And that's the harsh reality here. And if you're the anxious person that gum dumped up, I need you to hear that too. They're not just trying to be an asshole to be an asshole. They need to move on and so do you.

So we got to allow that to happen because the more you try to contact and contact and contact, it's like, that's why I'm saying for the anxious folk that are doing that, cut the bullshit. It's not about them. And for the person that's receiving it, if you need to block them, that's okay. I support that. If this person won't leave you alone and you're like, dude, I'm trying to fucking move on with my life. You do what you need to do, baby. I support both sides. And that's why one person really needs to work on the activation and the other one has to be able to move on with their life.

It's not easy. But breakups activate more than it actually is. And so that's why I want to get specific about each person, right? Next week is part two, the avoidant breakup. If you're listening to this thinking about the person who left and wondering whether they feel any of this, whether they're fine, whether they ever feel anything next week is for you, because I'm going to tell you what is actually happening in their nervous system, and it's not what you think.

So until then, practice the swap. Don't text them, baby. Feed yourself, go to bed at a reasonable hour, get some fucking sunshine, get some water, you're like a plant, you know you need it. And just know that I love you. And I know that this might be hard, especially if you're really feeling it and you feel like you're so overwhelmed and ugh.

But you got this, babe. It's not going to take you. You got this. Guys, as always, if you need anything, if you want to work one-on-one to work and process through some stuff, We've got the foundation course. It's really fucking helpful. The book is out.

Why am I like this? Please don't forget to pre-order it. Either be at your local bookstore or Amazon, save a screenshot. And I'm sending you guys a free gift as a thank you. Just hold on to it. And don't worry, I will announce when the portal is open and you guys can submit it and get your course. I love you.

I'm so grateful for you guys. Thank you for being here. Thank you for commenting, leaving a review, and just being part of this community. Because without you, I wouldn't be here. I love you, babes. I'll see you next week.