The Sabrina Zohar Show - 209: How Secure People Breakup

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey y'all, it's Kelly Clarkson with Wayfair. Ever order furniture online and wonder, what if? Like, what if it doesn't hold up? That sofa was four days old. You should have ordered from Wayfair. With Wayfair, there's no what if. Just style you love and quality you can trust. Visit Wayfair.com.

Starting point is 00:00:13 Wayfair, every style, every home. Most of us have literally never seen a secure breakup. You've never had one. You've never witnessed one. What do you mean? Two people made a choice together that they don't want this anymore, and they're not pining after it or crying or losing their shit on the floor. Maybe never even dated anyone who will have.

Starting point is 00:00:30 an ending in the way that didn't activate every survival response in your body. You don't actually know what the alternative is. And it's hard to aim for something you can't picture. Well, today's episode is The Picture. We're going to talk about what a secure breakup actually looks like because, baby, most of us didn't know that this path exists, but it does. It's been studied and we're going to go over. Hello, hello, hello!

Starting point is 00:00:52 And welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar Show. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. Welcome back, friends. This is part four. This is the final episode of the series. And baby, if you haven't listened to the first three, we go back. We do not collect $200.

Starting point is 00:01:06 We go back to the start. We listen to them so that we can be part of this and that we can grow and evolve with every single episode that builds on each other so you can really understand. Because frankly speaking, I'm sick and tired of the bullshit.

Starting point is 00:01:17 I'm sick and tired of clickbait. I'm sick and tired of videos that don't actually understand attachment styles and how they work. So let's go back to the beginning and make our way through. And if you're here because of that, I'm really fucking proud of you.

Starting point is 00:01:28 As always, babe, stay at the end until the end because we have a tool of the week. And it applies to every attachment style. And it's the practice I'd put in everyone's hands if I fucking could. And I want to say something before we go in. If you've listened to all four episodes, I want you to take that in for a second because you spent time educating yourself on the nervous system and how it operates under loss. That is the kind of self-investment that actually changes lives. And you fucking did it, babes.

Starting point is 00:01:52 And this episode, it might make you sad and that's okay. The sadness is data, right? sometimes even watching a movie and it was so sad, but you'll see a dad show up for the kid. And I'm like, what's that like? Because in that moment, it might be something that you've never experienced that your nervous system is like, ha, that's possible. It is. And I think that when you hear what secure functioning looks like and you realize you may have

Starting point is 00:02:14 never had it, the grief is really appropriate. I don't want you to push through it. I want you to let it land. The grief is often what makes people finally decide to do the work. And the work is what you've been building. And that's what we're going to be grieving today. And guys, as always, if you need anything, please don't forget to rate and review the show. Leave a comment.

Starting point is 00:02:30 Please speak with kindness. It's sad that I have to fucking say this every time, but I'm going to reiterate it because we have new people. I curse a lot. I speak fast. This is my safe place. This show is my safe place to show up and have this time with you to talk about my motherfucking book that is coming out that I couldn't be prouder of. To beg and plead you guys to please pre-order so you get the free courses. A thank you.

Starting point is 00:02:51 To share with you guys things about me and my fun, no doubt shirt that I got in when I was in Vegas with my sister. This is the place. And so if this isn't for you, that is more than okay. I do not get upset if this isn't the right fit for you anymore. But if you're here, I want you to know that you are in a safe place. You are in a family. And this is a community that we really, really care about. And so I don't want you to forget that. All right, babes, without further ado, let's get right on into it, shall we? Oh, guys, I forgot to tell you. We have a quiz on the website that we completely redid. We had the, what kind of attachment style are you quiz? Or what kind of lover were you? And honestly, it didn't love the answers, didn't love the way that it was working. So we completely

Starting point is 00:03:25 reworked the entire thing. So even if you took it, take it again. It gives you a completely new set of answers, a completely new set of choices to make. So go on, go take a look at that. And then you get free dating advice in your email every week and you get to see what's coming up for us, including the fucking book, which I still can't believe. I still can't believe that I have a book coming out. And I actually didn't even tell you guys, I'm going to get disowned for this book. I could all but guarantee you. That's the secure person in me being okay with the fact that I can't control the outcome. I can't. I know that this is going to be the last draw for my dad. I know that I probably will never speak to him again after this book comes out. But I had to be okay with that.

Starting point is 00:04:00 I had to be okay with speaking. My truth means losing people. And I hope that that's a lesson that I can bestow on to you. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. It just means that there are going to be people in your life that aren't fucking stoked the way you show up. That's okay. Do it anyways. I might as well have you hate who I actually am that hate who I pretend to be. And guys, I forgot to mention if you need a course or anything, you want to work one-on-one, ask a question. I will be taking a couple of months off of my clients because of the book tour. I will be going around the globe. And by the around the globe, I mean the United States and the UK, but don't worry, hang tight, my babes. We are going to announce that soon. And thank you.

Starting point is 00:04:32 I have some dark days, some days. There are days where stepping into the studio feels really, really tough for me because I have to put the smiley face on. And then I realize, I don't. I don't have to pretend to be anything. And I also think that's part of being secure in who I am is that I don't need to perform for anybody. I get to show up authentically and be here with you guys and share that they're going to be days that are hard. I was even talking to my client this one, he's going through a breakout. And he said, talk about kick-starting this episode, how would a secure person handle this? And I said, a secure person would handle this in the way that you are by not judging yourself, by allowing yourself to feel the emotions that come up and by watching

Starting point is 00:05:07 them pass like a thought that's a cloud, right? When I wake up and feel like shit, yeah, there are times where I'm like, delete it all. I'm done. And then there are other moments where I'm like, it's okay, we're going to get through this. One doesn't outweigh the other. And so breakups, grieving, moving on from things, whether that be personal, professional, life, it doesn't matter. You're allowed to take up the space and however long that takes you to work through it and to understand your loops and to then get yourself back on the track where you'll have your back no matter what. And if you guys need help, pre-order my book. In case I didn't plug that enough, it's called Why Am I Like This?

Starting point is 00:05:39 On, if I forget, because I forget that not all of you guys are watching this. It's called Why Am I Like This? It's on Amazon. And at Sabrinazohar.com slash book, you get a free course as a thank you. So don't forget once you sign up, do not DM me the screenshots. I say this with love. Don't DM me the screenshots. Not much I can do for you. Go to the website. Upload it. I love you, babes. Let's get into it for anyone who's still here. All right. So what does a secure breakup actually looks like? So let me paint the picture concretely because most of us have not seen this. Two people who are securely attached. And maybe it doesn't

Starting point is 00:06:06 always have to mean that both of them are dating each other. Decide together or one of them decides that the relationship is no longer working. Here's what happens next. They have a conversation in person. I said in person. They have a motherfucking conversation in person. Maybe on the phone. Fine, fine, fine. I understand that doesn't always have to be in person. Depends how long you dated. But this isn't over text. This isn't a fight. They sit down. Maybe it's planned. It's on purpose. And they named the actual region. Not there was tension. Not, I don't know. I just feel off. I don't know. I don't feel the spark. I hear that all the fucking time. The number one giveaway of an avoidant attatcher is when they tell you after when they're trying to break up with you, I don't know. I just don't feel it. I just don't feel the

Starting point is 00:06:45 spark. Something's missing. Usually what's missing is the fucking chaos, the up and down to the highs and lows. That's not what we're looking for. We're looking for two regulated nervous systems that are choosing each other every day, not a fucking feeling. Because when you chase a feeling, guess what? You're going to be real disappointed when the feeling is no longer there and you are stuck with a fucking human at the end of it. A real reason, though, but maybe it's, we want different things. We're not compatible in this very specific way. These values don't align. The honest one. I remember even when I was going through my breakups and telling them, I think you're really amazing, but we are not aligned in where we want to go in the future. I don't want kids you do. You want to

Starting point is 00:07:20 leave New York. I want to live here for the foreseeable future. I want to have this kind of career. You want this. Like there were concrete aspects, right? I remember one guy I dated. I said, I am starting to get the sense that you might not be being honest about your sexuality. And he finally admitted he was like, you're right. He was like, I very rarely go for women because when I do, that means I really like them. And I was like, thank you. But he was honest. And he was like, I have been more towards leaning towards men and I was like, please go pursue that. Like, that doesn't mean that we have to fake this or pretend, right? But it was a real conversation. It was two people having it. Maybe sometimes you cry, right? I cried with my ex when we both decided I said, this isn't

Starting point is 00:07:58 working and he said, I agree. We both cried and we held each other. And then we decided to make a choice in that moment that this was the best decision for us. Go back to episode 197. That was breaking up with good green flags in case that is something that you want to look at because that is also kind of making a secure decision for yourself. And maybe both people are grieving in front of each other. Neither of them performs being fine. Neither of these people are performing being destroyed. They feel it.

Starting point is 00:08:23 And they let the other person know and they let the other person see that they feel it. And they let it be sad without it becoming cruel. They handle the logistics, right? Ustuff is where, the dog, the lease, the mutual friends, the trip that they booked in six months. These conversations are practical. They don't become weapons. There's no punishment in the dividing up or I'm going to fucking ruin you or you're going to regret the day or you're going to wish you didn't. That comes from insecurity. There's grief. And then

Starting point is 00:08:49 there's there's also adulthood. And in the days and weeks that follow, they grieve. And this is the thing. Securely attached people are not immune to break up pain. The research is actually really clear on this. Secure people still feel it. They cry. They might lose sleep. They miss the person. The difference is what they do with the feeling. They reach out to friends. They might go to therapy if they have it. They cry to their sister. They write. They walk. They feel the thing. and they let the people in their life support them through the thing. They don't fucking reach out to the X, and it's not because they're trying to play it cool,

Starting point is 00:09:17 because reaching out to the person who just left wouldn't make them feel better and they know that. The nervous system can correctly identify in real time that the person who is in the source of grief is not the person who can soothe the fucking grief. And if they do reach out later maybe, it's usually for one of three reasons. It might be a genuine logistical need that needs to be handled,

Starting point is 00:09:35 a real check-in with no agenda, baby, weeks or months later that respects what the other person needs or occasionally, a genuine reconsideration based on new information, which they state directly and without breadcrumbing. Compared to that, to what we have spent three episodes describing, the discard, the ghost, the breadcrum, the five-month silence followed by, I miss you with nothing attached, the on again and off again that runs for years, or the fucking bombardment of a hundred text messages, and I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't move on from you, I haven't been able to, da-da-da-da-da, this whole fucking soliloquy. Almost none of that happens in this dynamic. I say almost none. Not always because there are some secure people that are human, right? And it's not because secure people don't have feelings. It's because their feelings don't drive them to behave in ways that hurt themselves or the other person. The feelings come. They're felt and they don't generate the survival behaviors in the other styles. And I want to add something. Most attachment content gets really wrong. Secure people are not unbothered. Secure people are not unbothered. Secure people are not above pain. The version of secure that gets sold on social media is becoming unbothered queen is actually.

Starting point is 00:10:39 closer to disassociation that it is reality because real secure people, they really care. They cry hard. They grieve fully. I remember my mama always saying, if you're crying really hard over somebody, maybe it's because that person deserved your tears. I remember when I was crying over Clem, she would say, well, of course you deserved your tears. Look how much you loved each other.

Starting point is 00:10:57 Don't let that go away just because it didn't work out in the end. Their self-concept doesn't collapse when love is lost. They feel everything and they remain themselves through the feeling. This is what we're aiming for, right? It's not feeling less. It's feeling fully within an intact self. Want to know what actually makes you secure? You have adult conversations eye to fucking I, not be a text. You don't take everything personal or deflect because you can't take fucking accountability. Being secure isn't the absence of conflict. It's the presence of curiosity

Starting point is 00:11:25 and self-acceptance. This episode is sponsored by Tumble Rugs. Is it me or is it just harder to find the right rug? Even though there is a plethora of options, you either pick an overpriced rug that looks amazing, which is my entire life story, or you're constantly worried about staining it. When you have a dog that's always the number one issue. And of course, leave it to me. I went on Tumble and I found the rug of my dreams. It is checkerboard. And if you know me, you know how obsessed I am with checkerboard. And the best part is, instead of soaking into the fibers like most rug when do you have liquids or some kind of stain, it literally beads up on the top and you can wipe spills away in seconds. It's basically magic when you see it in action and has been a game changer having a dog. We host a lot of parties and I never have to worry about my Tumble rug. It's incredible. Machine washable rug. made better. Baby, for a limited time only, our listeners get 10% off and free shipping at tumbleliving.com slash Sabrina. That's tumbleliving.com forward slash Sabrina. After you purchase, they will ask you where you heard about them. Please support our show and tell them we sent you. So let's talk about the difference in the nervous system. What's the actual difference inside a secure person? And I want to

Starting point is 00:12:29 get specific because vague descriptions of secure attachment are fucking useless and all over TikTok. A secure nervous system can do three things. Can I do the three things that, insecure system struggle with, and I want to walk you through each one. So the first thing, it can activate the attachment system when connection is needed. I know that might sound obvious, but it isn't. Avoidant nervous systems struggle to activate attachment even when they need someone because their default is self-reliance and asking for help registers as a threat. Secure people don't have that block. When they need someone, the attachment comes online, they reach out, they ask, they let people in. Second, it can downregulate the attachment system when this

Starting point is 00:13:03 situation resolves. This is what the anxious system struggles with. The ancient system, stays activated long after the threat is gone. It can't let go of the hypervigilance. The secure system, once the situation is handled, returns to baseline. It doesn't keep scanning. It doesn't keep ruminating. It doesn't keep generating worst case scenarios. The threat resolves. The system stands down. That's also what makes somebody secure. And I often think about this. If I had a different childhood, could you imagine the person that I would be? But if I had a different childhood, could you imagine the person than I'd be? And maybe I wouldn't be this version. And I'm not trying to get rid of that. But what I am trying to do is

Starting point is 00:13:38 to get rid of the coping mechanisms that I learned along the way that, frankly, speaking, are maladaptive and bullshit and they're keeping me single and stuck and all of those things longer than I need to be. And now they keep me stuck in patterns that maybe aren't for me. I would like to pin this to you guys and see how you feel about a secure response to this. Imagine if every single time someone decided not to listen to the podcast or unsubscribe or didn't follow me or unfollowed me. Imagine if every single time I was like, that's it. I need to change who I am and people don't like me and they don't want to be with me and I knit you would probably look at me and be like, are you fucking with me? Some person

Starting point is 00:14:12 you don't even know says that they don't like you and you think that you need to change who you are. And I get that. A lot of the times we say that to our friends, right? I know that if your friend came to you and was like, this person doesn't want you, the last thing you'd be was like, yeah, because you're a piece of shit and no one likes you. So don't forget that. That what a secure person would say is, I don't need to prove myself to somebody if they're okay losing me. That's why when I start the episodes, I'm so big on like, this is who I am, take it or leave it. but I'm not changing it for you. I'm not. I'm not going to change who I am to make someone else comfortable that I have no idea who the fuck they are.

Starting point is 00:14:43 And that's why secure people are able to get through breakups without losing themselves. The third thing, they can tolerate mixed feelings without collapse or disassociation. That's the disorganized struggle, right? The capacity to feel both love and frustration towards the same person. Both grief and relief about the same loss. Both want and don't want about the same situation without the nervous system fragmenting. Secure people hold contradiction. They don't have to resolve every fucking feeling.

Starting point is 00:15:06 What if they find someone else after me and they give them everything I didn't get? Okay. And what if you get turned off by their behavior and accept people don't change that fucking quickly? If you're more focused on what if they move on, then what you didn't like, then this has nothing to do with them and everything to do with you meaning something to them because you don't fucking mean anything to yourself. These three capacities, this is not a personality trait. This is a nervous system pattern. Exactly what I talk about in my new book. You think I'm annoying now.

Starting point is 00:15:31 Just wait until we get closer to October, babes. Oh my God. You're going to know every fucking word from that book by the time we get there. And then I'm so excited. But they got built early for some people. They got disrupted early for most of us. And the part that the research is increasingly clear about is that you can build it later. Let's get into a study.

Starting point is 00:15:47 The American Psychological Association documented this in their formal positions on attachment. So the review I had mentioned last week or a couple of weeks ago was they studied 24 studies on earned secure attachment, demonstrating the real conditions under which adults move from insecure to secure functioning. What lets the nervous system update essentially? So you want to know what that is? Repeated experience of co-regulation that the system has time to actually metabolize. So co-regulation is a fancy word for one nervous system helping another nervous system calm down. You know, you notice like a baby, a baby could be crying and when you like hum it to sleep, it starts to relax. It's co-regulating.

Starting point is 00:16:22 When you're activated and the person you're with stays grounded and their groundedness is registered by your body, your system slowly learns that activation doesn't have to escalate. When you're shut down and the person you're with stays present without pushing, their presence and they're present. is registered by your body. Your system slowly learns that connection doesn't have to feel overwhelming. This is happening or not happening constantly in your relationships. Every interaction is teaching your nervous system something about what to expect. A securely attached partner is, without even trying, providing the conditions under which your system can update its expectations. A securely attached friend is doing the same. A skilled therapist, our coach is doing the same. On purpose with structure. This is also why love alone does not fix attachment, which is a hard truth most people don't want to hear. The mechanism isn't love. The mechanism is repeated.

Starting point is 00:17:04 regulated embodied experience of safety. Love is part of the conditions, but love without consistent regulated embodied safety doesn't update the system. This is why so many of you have been deeply loved for years and still feel really fucking anxious or avoidant or disorganized or whatever, as you always did. Love wasn't the thing that you was missing. The consistent, regulated, embodied safety was, which is how we actually update our nervous system. That's why I've said this all motherfucking day. intellectualizing is not going to get you the healthy and happy and secure relationship. Intellectualizing is not going to bring you closer to yourself. Intellectualizing simply on its own is only going to keep you in your head more.

Starting point is 00:17:42 You actually want to start to feel better. You got to learn to feel. You got to learn that when you're with somebody, right, a colleague that makes you feel safe because you can express yourself. Reconformation experience. Start to look out for these glimmers in your day, holding your dog. Clem taught me what unconditional love was because he taught me that no matter what I could be messy and he accepted it. He taught me that it didn't matter if I screamed and cried. He still came up, licked my face, and laid on my lap. For anyone who doesn't know, Clem is my dog that passed. So I should probably preface that before I say he looked my face and laid on my lap. That could be a weird fetish. But you can have things in your surroundings that teach you what safety is. It's not always just because of the partnership that you have. And you know what that did for me? I'll never forget when I was 21. A friend of mine said, you know the feeling you feel right now? How shitty you feel because that person ended it? I want you to remember that. I want you to hold on. to that because that's the feeling that you're no longer going to accept. Now, at the time, did I? No, no, no, no. I stopped my way through Manhattan for another 10 years. But I always had that in my mind. I always understood that. It's true, right? When I'm with these people, I really enjoy myself. I feel really seen. I feel like we can do anything. I feel like we're having a great time. And then when I'm with these people, I don't like the way I feel. I don't enjoy myself. I don't enjoy myself. I don't know to be around them. Great. So then what are my choices? I don't know to be around them as much. Even if they're family. I've made that choice for myself. If there's a family member or something that doesn't feel good, I'm not going to put my

Starting point is 00:19:01 I'm not going to force myself to be there. That's because I'm secure and I get to make choices for myself. This episode is sponsored by Bubbs Naturals. I love Bubbs and this one actually goes a little deep for me. I've been using Bubbs for the last probably 10 years. It is the best collagen I have ever used and I love it because, listen, as I'm getting older, my skin doesn't really have that natural glow and elasticity. And once I passed 30, my body just like didn't feel the same. It does. It did in my 20s. That's just a reality. And your body's natural collagen production begins to decline in your mid-20s. So for those of you don't know, Oh, collagen is a crucial protein that provides structure and support to your hair, skin, nails, joints, and overall longevity. It's kind of referred to as the glue that holds your bodies together, so I don't miss a day of it.

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Starting point is 00:19:57 And I just love that Bubbs also donates 10% of all its profits to. a charity in Glenn's honor, which is so beautiful, so you're giving back and helping yourself. Live better longer. For limited time only, our listeners are getting 20% off Bub's Naturals by using code Sabrina Zohar at checkout. Just head to BUBSNatrown and use code Sabrina Zohar and you are all set. After you purchase, they will ask where you heard about them. Please support our show, the Sabrina Zohar show, and tell them we sent you. So we've seen the breakup conversation and we've seen what happens inside the secure person. Now I want to walk you through the weeks and the months after like what they look like because of the part of secure breakup, I think would shock you the most.

Starting point is 00:20:33 Let me say the thing up front, so nobody mishears me. A secure breakup is not a painless breakup. The secure person is not walking around fine three days later. They're grieving. They're sad. They miss the person they lost. And if you spent this entire fucking series thinking secure people have some cheat code, let's skip the hurt and they don't. The hurt is there. Here's what's different. They actually allow it to finish. Think about what a breakup has looked like for you. Coming out of an insecure pattern, it doesn't end. It loops. There's the breakup. And then there's the texting and then there's the silence and then there's the I miss you and then there's the getting back together and then there's the same breakup again three motherfucking months later or there's

Starting point is 00:21:06 no contact but your mind never closes a loop so you're still eight months on drafting the speech you'd give if you ran into them that never ends because you didn't actually give it an ending it became a wound you just keep repeating the secure breakup closes there's a real conversation with a real reasoning so there's nothing unresolved to obsess over there's no breadcrumbing after so the nervous system isn't just on hook there's no will they won't There's no slough machine to keep pulling them back in. The secure person is not a dopamine loop. They're not waiting for the other shoe to drop because the shoe already dropped cleanly

Starting point is 00:21:36 and they watched it land with you. And the clarity is the entire mercy of it. When you have a clean ending, you can grieve it. Grief that has something solid to push against actually moves. It hurts. And then over weeks, it hurts a little less. And then one day you realize you went a whole afternoon without thinking about them. Grief with no clean ending.

Starting point is 00:21:54 Grief that's still tangled up in the maybe and the what if, it's just sitting there and it's reactive. That's the difference between a breakup that takes months and a breakup that takes years. So when I say a secure breakup hurts less, I want to be precise. It doesn't hurt less in the first week. It might hurt more in the first week because a secure person isn't numbing it or chasing the ex to soften it. They're feeling it. It hurts less in the sense that it ends. It's a clean cut instead of a wound that keeps tearing open and a clean cut that even though it's deep can still heal. Want to know why a situation ending hurts so much more than a relationship that ends? Because you saw every aspect of the person in a relationship, but

Starting point is 00:22:26 situationships are fantasy, and you're not just grieving losing them. You're grieving the life you didn't actually get, so it hurts like hell even more because you didn't get chosen this time. When you're secure, you know half-ass effort doesn't work for you, so you walk away from things that don't align without having your worth be the fucking reason it didn't work out. So now that this is the final series, I want to do something we haven't done. I want to put all four endings next to each other because seeing them side by side tells you something no single episode could. Same event every time a relationship ends, but watch the four different nervous systems do the exact same loss. We have the anxious breakup. The ending activates the protest

Starting point is 00:22:58 system. The body floods. There's rumination that won't switch off. There's a self-punishment coping we talked about in part one. There's the pull to reach out to every person who left because the anxious system believes the source of the pain is also the cure for it. The grief is loud and immediate, and growth when it comes tends to come hard and late. Think about the, you know, we have to say the source of pain is also the cure for it. If my parent leaves, they just come back, I'll be okay. So the person that's leaving, the person that's abandoning, if they just come back, I'll be fine. Because as a kid, that's what you believe, but that's not necessarily the reality as an adult. The avoidant breakup, suppression, and at first

Starting point is 00:23:31 it works. The avoidant person might look measurably fine. Sometimes they genuinely are fine. This is also what I wanted to preface. There are some avoidant breakups that happen where that person genuinely does not feel anything after because they have also acknowledged that perhaps, now hear me at, perhaps we were seeing this for more than what it actually was. And sometimes we even have to look and say maybe they weren't avoid. Maybe they were just pulling away from something that they saw wasn't going anywhere. I'm not saying always. And as we covered in part two, the suppression breaks down under load.

Starting point is 00:24:01 So if this person actually is suppressing and the grief they deferred shows up weeks or months later, often without a clear trigger, it hurts the person who thought they'd already moved on. And that's what I'm saying is sometimes it is the avoid. And then sometimes it's just that you guys weren't fucking right for each other and that person could see it. And then we have the disorganized breakup, the fragmented one. It's grief and relief and longing and feeling. year all firing at once, but none of them actually resolving. The push, the pull, the on again, off again, cycle that can run for years because the same person is registered by the system as

Starting point is 00:24:28 both the safety and the threat. And then we have the secure breakup, the one we've spent today on. They felt it. They grieved it cleanly. They stay with themselves through it. They let the ending be an ending. That's the biggest thing. They let the ending be an ending. And I know that feels really tough, but you're not five years old. You're not going to turn to stone because this doesn't fucking work out. If you are losing your fucking marbles because the person that broke up with you isn't in your life anymore, then this has nothing to do with them and has everything to do with the fact that you don't trust yourself and you don't actually believe that you're worthy and deserving because who is this random fucking person that because

Starting point is 00:25:00 they leave your life all of a sudden it's hell in a handbasket, baby you were good before them, you'll be good after. And if your answer was, I wasn't, then it doesn't matter who shows up in your life because you need you, not these, all these fucking other people. And I wanted to show it side by side because I really want you to take this in. The same loss produced four completely different breakups. It's not because four different people loved four different amounts. It's because four different nervous systems ran four different survival programs. Your breakup behavior was never a measure of how much the relationship mattered to you. It was a measure of what your body learned a long time ago and how to survive losing people. And that reframe matters because of what it means about blame.

Starting point is 00:25:31 If the way you fell apart in your last breakup was proof of something broken in you, you'd be stuck with it. But it's not proof that you're broken. It's proof of being trained. And the thing about a training response is that it can be retrained. The secure breakup, again, it's not a personal you are either issued with at birth or denied. It's a way of grieving and the way of staying with yourself through loss that can be built. And to me, I really wanted to show you so that you can create the next chapter with the real ones that you get to decide how long you're going to hold on to this person for. You want the harsh reality of how to actually get over a breakup in a secure way? One, stop idealizing this person and putting them on a pedestal. What makes them so fucking amazing

Starting point is 00:26:07 that you can't live without them? Two, stop forcing yourself not to think about them. start to allow yourself and say, listen, given everything we've been through, of course I'd feel I'm sad about this person. You're a human, you're not a robot. And the third thing, take the fucking shine off of them. No, they're not the one. No, they're not the love of your life. They're somebody that disregulated your nervous system or couldn't fucking show up in the way that you need. That doesn't mean that you have to have no value just because this person couldn't fucking see it. So let's talk about final tool of the series, of the series, not of the fucking podcast. And this one applies to whatever is hatchman style that you are. So for the next two weeks, you're going to keep a running list.

Starting point is 00:26:39 every time you notice someone in your life demonstrating a secure behavior and want you to write it down. The partner, maybe the date, friend, co-worker, family member, the person at the coffee shop, anybody. What counts as a secure behavior? Things like falling through on a plan without needing reminders, saying what they mean directly, handling a disagreement without escalating or withdrawing, being transparent about their feelings when it's relevant, repairing after fucking rupture rather than pretending it didn't happen, respecting your pace, respecting their own pace, being consistent across time, not just when they want something from you. the list goes on. You don't need every behavior to count to someone, right? But you're just noticing, and I want you to write it down. Because building a list, maybe two weeks in, you start to look at the list. Two things will happen. One, you'll see your own life shows up securely. Two things will happen. One, you'll see who in your life shows up securely. This is information you've had access to all along, but probably hadn't been tracking because welcome to this aliens network. You'll realize you have a friend who's been showing up securely for years and you've been so focused on the chaos of romantic relationships. Maybe you missed it. You'll realize a family member,

Starting point is 00:27:38 you didn't talk to as much as actually one of the most secure people in your life. And the map shows you what you already have. And the second thing, you'll start to be able to recognize secure behavior and do people faster. Once your brain has a category for it, you see it. Without the category, secure behavior often reads as boring or absent or low key. Within the category, you can spot it within a few weeks of dating someone. And why it matters more than almost any other tool, most insecure attachment is reinforced by the absence of a clear mental model for secure.

Starting point is 00:28:04 You can't aim for what you can't picture. It's a spraying in the fucking dark. You can't choose what you can't recognize. The map gives you both simultaneously using people who already exist in your life is data. And the last thing, the moment you realize you have secure people in your life who you've been undervaluing because the chaos was louder, lean into those. Spend more time with those people. Practice receiving consistency. Let it become familiar.

Starting point is 00:28:24 The recalibration we talked about happens here in your existing relationship, not in some future bullshit. The work starts with the people who are already fucking in front of you. Four weeks ago, we started with the anxious breakup and the question of whether you were ever loved. We've moved through the avoidant, through the disorganized, and now secure. And if you listen to all four, you did something real here, baby. And a lot of people don't. You got to remember how many people don't even listen to these episodes, how many people will hop off, how many people scroll up on content.

Starting point is 00:28:49 You'd be shocked if I told you how many people will join a course of mine, come to one call and then never show up again because it's so overwhelming and they can't handle it. But if you actually want to do this work, then you should be really proud of yourself because you are. And if you want structured for you, baby, the Healthy Dating Foundation course is where I've put everything I know into a course that means where you are. So don't forget, the link is in the show notes or at Sabrina Zohar.com. My book, Why Am I Like This comes out October 13th. It goes deeper into where these patterns come from and how to heal them than I could ever go into the podcast.

Starting point is 00:29:19 And please, please, don't forget to pre-order by October 13th. Ideally, the sooner or the later, you don't get charged until the book ship, so don't worry. But then you can sign up for the free course that is not going to be given once the book is out. We're not going to be good. That's a pre-order. Thank you. Once the book is out, the book is out. So I'm just so grateful for you guys. Thank you. You don't understand what this means to me. I wouldn't be here without you. Like I said, I wake up every day grateful for you guys because without you, who would I be? And one thing, one final thing before I let you go, your attachment style is not your identity. It is a set of strategies your nervous system built for a world that no longer exists and you can update that. The research

Starting point is 00:29:54 says so, baby, my client says so, my own life fucking says so. So take care of yourself. I love you. I am proud of you. And no matter where you are on the spectrum, you fucking got this. our bids, we'll see you next week.

The Sabrina Zohar Show - 209: How Secure People Breakup

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