The Sabrina Zohar Show - 210: How To Know If You Are Compatible With Someone

Starting point is 00:00:00 Are you one of those media strategy people clicking through slides, scrolling spreadsheets? Yes? Good. This is for you. Because on Spotify, there's an audience that's different. Locked in. Loyal, invested. They're called fans. Fans don't just listen to music. They feel seen by it, like it belongs to them. So when your brand shows up on Spotify, that's who you're talking to. And you're right next to artists like me, Lizzo. So, are you ready to talk to fans? Spotify Advertising. You're among fans. Hey y'all, it's Kelly Clarkson with Wayfair. Ever order furniture online and wonder what if? Like, what if it doesn't hold up?

Starting point is 00:00:35 That sofa was four days old. You should have ordered from Wayfair. With Wayfair, there's no what if. Just style you love and quality you can trust. Visit Wayfair. Every style, every home. There's a misconception I see often about what compatibility actually is and isn't. You're probably told compatible means easy. Or it means like, oh, we like the same things. We never fight. It just kind of flows. That's not actually what compatibility means, baby. And that one wrong belief is the reason people walk away from relationships that are. actually fucking good. And the reason people say stuck in years are the ones that were usually bad. So today I'm to tell you what compatibility actually is, what it is not, and what the real research, thousands of couples, say actually make their love last. Whether you're single or you're sitting next to your boo right now, do not click this one off. Stay with me, baby, because this is for you. Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar show. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. Hello, my babies. Oh, I love you guys. Hi, I'm so excited.

Starting point is 00:01:30 Today, we're fresh off the breakup series. And I really hope you guys like that. Of course, shockingly, the avoidant episode did the best. I don't think that shocks anybody because I know you guys are curious and always looking for more. So don't forget to go back and listen. And thank you guys for being here today, baby. We're talking about compatibility. And I picked this one because I get some version of this question constantly is my type of bad thing.

Starting point is 00:01:50 Why does it seem compatible at first and then fall apart? How do I know if we're actually right for each other if I just like the idea of them? And underneath all of these is the same thing. nobody actually taught us what compatibility is. We just absorbed a definition for movies and the people around us and Disney and all these different things. And then definition is wrong and it's costing people relationships. Guys, as always, thank you for being here. Thank you for pre-ordering my book.

Starting point is 00:02:12 Why am I like this? Don't forget you get the freebies when you go to Sabrinazoa.com backslash book. You get to scroll down and it says claim my bonuses. Don't forget to sign up. Submit your receipt. We are checking. And you get to get a little thank you gift for me. And if you don't want it, thank you anyways for pre-ordering.

Starting point is 00:02:27 Please try to pre-order the hardcover. That's how I get the New York time bestselling list because that's our goal, baby. But whatever you want to get, whether it's the audiobook, the e-book, I don't care, Angel. I'm just grateful that you're here. And I will be reading it to you if you get the audiobook. So I'm excited. If you guys need anything, everything is always at Sabrina Zohra.com. You can work one-on-one, which I'm going to be not taking one-on-ones as often while the book is happening.

Starting point is 00:02:47 I might be taking a couple months off. So don't forget you could join a course. We've got the Healthy Dating Foundation. We've got the How to Go Slow course, whatever you guys need. Got a couple of freebies, a free quiz. Everything's at the website. And thank you for being here. I speak fast. I curse a lot. That is the preface I'm giving now. Because if you're new here, welcome, baby. And if you're not, welcome back. But it's not my job to keep everybody here. If you don't like the way I speak, you don't like the cursing, that's okay. Then I'm just not your coach. But that doesn't mean I need to change in order to make you comfortable. So I was like to give a little bit of a lay of the land to give you a choice on if you want to hop off or not. And I hope you don't. I hope you keep watching or listening. And today, we're going to break down what compatibility is not, because we have to clear the garbage first. And I'm going to tell you what it actually is. And I'm bringing the research for this because the data on the data on. This is like genuinely fucking good.

Starting point is 00:03:29 And we're going to talk about why sometimes the right person can feel boring. And I want to say this very clearly. If you're single, this episode is your filter. This is how you stop wasting your time. But if you're in a relationship right now, I need you to not click off because half of you do that. You get into the relationship and you think, I don't need this content anymore. It doesn't apply to me. This is one of those episodes that tells you why good things stop feeling good and what to actually do about it.

Starting point is 00:03:50 Because compatibility is not just something you screen for. It's something you keep building or you let it rot. So this one's for you. I love you guys. Don't forget, rate and review the show. You can subscribe if you want to add free. And let's get right the fuck on into it, shall we? Hi, friends. You guys, some of you guys know, I have a new niece. I can't wait after this. I get to go cuddle that little, like, alien baby. I'm so excited. Oh, and it's just made me realize how we got to stop giving energy to stupid shit, right? Like, when you have something, like when I lost Clem and I, now my dad's probably done with me too once this book comes out, I had to really realize I was so scared of losing everybody else, but I wasn't. I wasn't scared enough of losing myself. And that's what really changed everything for me. That's when my healing journey changed. That's when my relationships changed. It's when my life changed. I wasn't afraid

Starting point is 00:04:34 of losing who I actually am, but now I am because that's how I really hold on to myself. And that's how you can really determine, is this right for me or not? And guys, real quick, we redid our quiz. If you took the quiz on the website, what kind of lover are you quiz, we re-readed it. We took your feedback. It wasn't that great to begin with. So go take a look, check it out. It's a free quiz. It tells you what type of lover you are, really kind of one of attachment style you are. And it's right at Sabrinizar.com. So do not forget to take that. It's a freebie, baby. So let's start at what compatibility is not. You cannot learn what compatibility it is until we throw out what you think it is. Most people, if you stop them on the street and just fucking ask them what makes two people compatible, would probably say some version of this. We have a lot in common. We like the same things. It feels easy. We just click. That's the definition almost everyone walking around is giving and every piece of it is wrong, or at least nowhere near enough. So let me go through that. It's the same thing as is love enough. Love on its own, whether we're it's a verb, it's an action, it's a feeling is not enough because you need a lot more than love to make a relationship work. I can love somebody and also know that they're not right for me,

Starting point is 00:05:34 that we don't have conflict and repair, that we don't communicate effectively. You can love someone all fucking day and it's okay that that's not enough because love on its own should never have been all it takes for a relationship to work. As a kid, unconditional love is all we seek. But now as an adult, we have to be cognizant and aware that it's not unconditional. If someone starts treating you like shit, you don't have to stick around. You don't have to accept it. You don't have to take it like you did as a kid. And now we need to look and say, outside of me loving this person, what do I actually love about them if they're not reciprocating that same love back to me?

Starting point is 00:06:05 So the first one, compatibility is not just shared hobbies and interests. I know, everyone thinks it is. You both love hiking. You both love the same shows. You both want to travel. There it is. That's proof. But here's a thing, baby.

Starting point is 00:06:15 Interest is what you do together. They're lovely. They're not nothing, but they're not load-bearing. They do not hold the relationship. You can find a hiking partner. You can find someone who loves watches the shows that you do. That's not the same as the person that's good for you. Because interests also change.

Starting point is 00:06:29 This person can love comedy, and then one day they're not as into it. I used to love true crime because I had a lot of trauma. And then now that I've done a lot of healing, it causes me to feel really activated so I don't watch it as much. The things you're obsessed with five years ago or not the things you're obsessed with now. And if your whole connection was built on a shared activity, what happens when one of you outgrows it? A relationship built on interest is a relationship built on sand. The second one, compatibility is not ease. This is the biggest one I need you to fucking hear.

Starting point is 00:06:53 Here is the lie that the internet has been telling you about compatibility for a long fucking time, that healthy and secure relationships are easy and you don't have any issues. And if you fight, they're not the right person for you. And if you feel anxious for them, then they're not the right one. That is a load of bullshit. The right partner for you is somebody that you both are choosing each other every single fucking day. You have conflict regulation repair. You feel seen hurt and understood. You feel safe with this person. It's not just because it's easy. It's because both of you every fucking day are showing up and saying, I choose you, you choose me, and we're doing this together. We have been sold this idea that if it's right, if it's easy,

Starting point is 00:07:24 It flows. There's no friction. And listen, early on, yeah, a lot of relationships do feel easy, but that's what people miss. Early on is often just low stakes. Of course it's easy, right? You haven't disappointed each other yet. You haven't hit real conflict. You haven't had to navigate money or family or one of you having a fucking hard year or losing your job or going through hormonal changes. You haven't had the repair anything yet because nothing is broken, right? And not that you are, but in the relationship. Easy is not proof of compatibility. Easy is often proof that nothing real has happened yet. And the third one, compatibility is not the spark. It is not. the instant click, the electricity, the I can't stop thinking about them feeling. No, baby. We're going to come back to this one later because there's a study about it that I cannot wait to tell you about. But for now, I need you to put a pin on this. The spark is a feeling in your body. It is not information about whether the person is good for you. Oftentimes, the spark is a signal to your phalanjis and your external to run, right? We've talked about this. But then what happens when they're attractive, you're like, well, run towards them, right? No. And then the fourth one, compatibility is not good on paper, the right height or the right job or the right city or

Starting point is 00:08:24 They make a lot of money or their family looks right. That's the checklist. The paper version of a person and the actual experience of being with them are two completely different things, and we will get into that. This episode is sponsored by Rhythm Health. Y'all, I just had my annual exam. You know the one that you book like six months in advance and you have to find a time in your day that's completely inconvenient.

Starting point is 00:08:41 Go drive to the doctor. Then you have to get blood work and you have to do the blood work while you're fasted. And it's always a whole rigmarole. And that's why I'm so in love with Rhythm because I have to watch my blood work consistently for my blood detox and to understand the physiology of my body. and it's the world's easiest blood test because it's at home. You take it in two minutes, no needles. It's this sleek and super painless collection device.

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Starting point is 00:09:17 And the best part is you could do this monthly. And so right now, Rhythm is offering our listeners 15% of the, off your first month and free shipping at rhythmhealth.com slash Sabrina. That's Rhythm with 1H babe. RYTHMHealth.com slash Sabrina for 15% off your first month and free shipping. Stop guessing and start testing. Rhythmhealth.com slash Sabrina. So where does this leave us? If compatibility is not shared interest, it's not easy. It's not the spark and it's not on paper. Then most of you've been making the most important decision of your life, who you give your heart to and your time to based on a definition that is basically counterfeiting.

Starting point is 00:09:53 I hear this every fucking day. We had an amazing first date and everything was lovely and I can't stop thinking about them and they had the potential. It's like, wait, but you're not actually dating who they are. You're dating who you want them to be because who they actually are is somebody who is limited, who doesn't hold space, who can't actually have a conversation. Just because somebody tells you on the first date that they want a relationship doesn't mean they want one with you and doesn't mean they actually have the bandwidth for the relationship in the way you also want one. That doesn't make anybody right or wrong.

Starting point is 00:10:17 But what that means is that you need to be a lot more fucking discerning early on in dating. if you want to assess if this is the right person for you or not, you're going to need time, you're going to need to be triggered and you're going to seize this person in multiple different variances. And until you have that, you can't make a fucking determination if this person is for you or not. No, the thing is, this isn't your fault. Nobody's sad to sell. What fucking class in school did we have? Right? No one taught us this. But it is your problem because here's what the counterfeit definition does. If you're single, it makes you screen for the wrong thing. So you keep choosing people who look right and feel right and then somehow it falls apart and you can't explain why.

Starting point is 00:10:48 And if you're in a relationship one, it's even sneakier because the most, moment the easy phase ends, the moment the fucking spark settles and the real person shows up, the counterfeit definition whispers. See, maybe you're not compatible. And people leave good relationships over that. They blow up something real because it stopped matching a definition that was fake the whole time. It's not all the stuff we just threw out. So what is it? I wanted to tell you about a study because this one genuinely reorganized how I think about all of this. A few years ago, a group of researchers, and this was a massive effort, 86 of them pulled their work together. They took 43 separate long-term studies of couples all in over 11,000 fucking couples.

Starting point is 00:11:25 And they basically threw machine learning at one question. Out of everything you could possibly measure about two people, what actually predicts whether the relationship is good? And here's what they found. The strongest predictors of a good relationship were not the on-paper stuff. They were not how similar the two people were. They were about the actual dynamic between them. Do you feel your partner is committed? Do you feel appreciated?

Starting point is 00:11:45 How much conflict is there? And repair? do you feel satisfied in the connection? It was all relational. It was all about how you two actually function together day in and day out. That's the real thing. And I want you to sit with that for a second. The stuff we screen for, whether the looks, the job, the hobbies, the chemistry, the checklist.

Starting point is 00:12:03 That's why my brother always said, burn the fucking checklist. Now you're not negotiable, but the checklist. They have to be this and this and this and this. Listen, I'm a high-dust, okay? My partner is almost six, five. I understand you can have your thing. We're all allowed to have our thing. But I have met total smoke shows that were my height.

Starting point is 00:12:19 It wasn't that I was ruling them out. It's just that when I was on a dating app, that's really where I was going for. But if I met somebody in person or I dated guys that were my height and I was super fucking into them, that's why I say burn the checklist. You're allowed to have a preference. Of course, right? I prefer blondes over burnets. Okay, but that doesn't mean I'm going to not look at a burnet if they walk in the room if they're fucking amazing. You're allowed to have things that you like.

Starting point is 00:12:40 But that doesn't mean that that has to cut people out just because they don't have specifically that. What predicted a genuinely good relationship was whether the two of you were good to each other and good with each other. Whether there's appreciation. The conflict stays low, whether you both feel chosen and committed. Want to know what compatibility actually is? It's not because you like the same movies or fashion sense. It's not that you have a lot in common. Compatibility is how well the two of you function together. It's not the overlap on your interest list. It's whether you feel respected in a disagreement. It's whether you feel appreciated on a normal Tuesday. It's whether your partner's reaction to your bad day makes the bad day smaller or bigger. It's the dynamic, baby. It always. has been. And I want to say something to the people in relationships right now because this is where it gets real. Look at that list again. Commitment, appreciation, low conflict. Or, again, even if you're having conflict, Ryan and I went through a season where it was like every couple of weeks, we were just getting right back on the merry-go-round. And you know what we realized? We needed a therapist. We needed a therapist. We need a I can fucking help myself in the moment because I'm a human as well. And we found an amazing therapist.

Starting point is 00:13:39 And it really helped us to understand what were the actual issues, right? Not just, it's not about the garbage, right? It's about, do you feel appreciated? Does this person feel like they're holding space? I think it's really important for us to take up that space because the right person for you isn't going to be threatened by you speaking up or telling them something. And if that person doesn't like what you have to say, then baby, what makes you think that they're right for you? None of these things that we're talking about are things that you find. They're things that you do. There are things that you build and maintain or things you let quietly erode. You do not pass a compatibility test on date six and then coast for fucking 10 years. Appreciation is not a fixed score. It is a practice. So if the connection

Starting point is 00:14:13 has gone a little cold, then it's not necessarily proof you pick the wrong one. A lot of the times, it might be proof that you stop building. And we can start building again. You fucking deserve somebody that thinks you are the bees knees that loves your personality, that loves the space that you take, that thinks they are fucking lucky to have you in their life. But you know what they also deserve? the same fucking thing. It's not just about my needs and what I'm going through and everything is about me. It's also how am I coming off to my partner? Am I getting curious with my partner? Am I actually communicating with them in a way that they feel isn't aligned with what they need as well? At the end of the day, compatibility is that both of you guys are choosing each other.

Starting point is 00:14:49 Not just do they work for me, but also do we work for each other? This episode is sponsored by Square. I love Square because you know what? They saved the day for me when I had my clothing line software. So I used to do all these different pop-ups. I would do markets all along the city. And I needed a trusted payment system. I needed a POS. I needed something for my inventory. And as I started to scale and had some staff, online sales, everything together in one system. Because as business owners, we are juggling so many tools. And I loved it. I was able to grab my little payment processor, tap the card. The client could move on. I could help the next person with ease. Plus, they have AI powered tools to help you automate routine tasks. So it gives you back

Starting point is 00:15:27 more time. Plus no hidden fees, no locked-in contracts, no upcharges, for premium cards or empty promises or surprise costs or any of that. Whether you're just starting out or growing fast, they've designed plans to be simple, transparent, and flexible for you. So Square helps you run your business more smoothly, bringing payments, operations, and insights together in one place so you're ready for whatever's next. Right now, listeners can get up to $200 off Square hardware when you sign up at square.com slash go slash Sabrina. That's S-Q-U-A-R-E dot com slash go-slash-Sabrina. Get started with Square and build a setup that works the way you do. is sponsored by IM8. I am a huge health freak, and I am super, super into taking all of my supplements,

Starting point is 00:16:07 but y'all, I do not have the time to take 100 in a day. It is just too many. And I AM8 is the way to simplify your supplement routine once and for all. 16 supplements replaced 90 ingredients across nine major organ systems in one drink. And the problem with supplements is you think you need a cabinet full of them, right, to figure out. But you don't. IMA's daily ultimate essential is 16 supplements and one drink for $2.61 a day. That way, you don't have to worry about it. You can focus on your health, focus on your wellness. They taste absolutely delicious. And my favorite part is if you go to IMAidehealth.com slash Sabrina right now, or you click on the description and use code Sabrina. You get a free welcome kit, five free travel satchets

Starting point is 00:16:51 plus 10% off your order. So again, that's code Sabrina at IAM8health.com. slash Sabrina. One more time, babe. Sabrina at IM8health.com slash Sabrina. These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. So, I wanted to talk about the click, right? We just click. We just click. I had that. Oh, God. I've had that more times than I can count. I think I might have told you guys some of the story. Storytime, if I haven't already. And if I have, we're going to go over it again. Years, years, years ago, many moons ago when I was on my horse and buggy, I met this guy. We met on an app and it was the type of date that, you know, even the people at the

Starting point is 00:17:31 rest are how long he has been dating for? And he was like this male Adonis. My God, this guy was so fucking hot. He'd fucking chisel him out of stone. And we had a little makeout session. We like, we didn't hook up, but like I wanted to, but we were both like, no, no, no, no, like, let's do this right. Let's not like rush into it. And he was visiting New York and he's like, oh, I'm here all the time. The bullshit fucking excuses of him. I'm here all the time. I'm here all the time. And it's like, no, you're not. And we were supposed to have another date and then he called me or sent me a photo from his car being like, I'm rushing back to the airport right now. My company got broken into. I'm so sorry. Can I make this up to you? I really want to take

Starting point is 00:18:04 you out and I was so excited to see you again. What was I going to do? I was like, oh, that sucks. I'm so sorry to here. Like, please let me know if you need anything. And I like, can we like, face-time and trying to keep it alive, trying to keep it alive. Never saw him again. Well, I just, spoiler alert. And we were texting. And then all of a sudden, he would get a girlfriend and I'd be like, huh? Oh, no, we face-timed. We did FaceTime a few times. You showed me as a and stuff, but we, like, never hung out again. And then I would see him, like, he would follow me, then unfollow me. And then I'd see it as a girlfriend.

Starting point is 00:18:30 And I'm like, what the fuck is going on with this guy? Years later, I'm in Carl's Badden. I'm at an appointment. And I'm telling this girl. And she's like, oh, that's so funny. I used to live in San Francisco. And I'm like, oh, my God, no way. And I'm telling her all about this guy.

Starting point is 00:18:42 And all of a sudden, I just see her turn white as snow, like pale as if she just died. And she said, I was explaining about this guy and how he was the one that got away. And she stopped and said, what was his name? And I told her, and I just see her start to shake. And I was like, but we just clicked. And I just felt so connected to him. And she starts like hyperventilating. And she's like, that's my ex.

Starting point is 00:19:06 And I was like, wait, what? And she's like, that's the one that like I was in therapy for five years after. He broke me down. I was a shell of a human. He's wildly narcissistic. He listens to Andrew Tate. He's like the Red Pill ideology. And just starts crying hysterically and telling me all about this guy that fucking wrecked her for like four years of their relationship.

Starting point is 00:19:24 Mind you, I'm sitting here being like, oh shit, that could have been me. That could have been me. I was that girl when my ex and I, the biggie that I've talked about on the breakup episode, I think it's episode 185 or 188, I can't remember. And what heartbreak teaches you about love. And that relationship, I remember thinking like, I'm the girl. He chose. And it's like, yeah, he chose so that I could go to fucking therapy for another fucking nine years.

Starting point is 00:19:44 And it made me just realize, like, me clicking with someone doesn't necessarily mean that I have to be in a relationship with them. I have a lot of people that I think are amazing. That doesn't mean we want to fuck them all. I have a lot of people in my life, I think, are fantastic. That doesn't mean that we're compatible to date. That doesn't mean that we see things in the same way, that we have the same morals, ethos, and ethics. That means we laugh well together.

Starting point is 00:20:02 That means maybe we both have trauma and had a good sense of humor. That means that maybe this person was charming. That doesn't necessarily mean it has to be your person. And so that's why I really want to talk about this, like, we just clicked, because that doesn't mean that they're the right one for you. That just means that in that moment, maybe you recognize something familiar, or you just had a good time. You're also allowed. Like, can we just hold space for that?

Starting point is 00:20:20 You're allowed to go on a date and it not work out. I know that sounds wild. You're allowed to be in a relationship and it end. It doesn't mean everything has to stay forever, but we need people that are growing with us. And I want to talk about the spark because I told you I would and it's become a part that I think is going to surprise you. So here's a study I think about all the fucking time. Researchers ran a speed dating event, real people, meaning face to face, about four minutes per date. And before the event and after each date, they measured two different things.

Starting point is 00:20:44 They measured actual similarity, meaning are these people genuinely alike? Like, do they actually share attitudes and values? and they measured perceived similarity, meaning, does this person feel similar to me? Do I think we're alike? And then they looked at which one predicted attraction, which one made people feel that click. It was perceived similarity, not actual. The thing that made someone feel a spark in another person was whether they perceived them as similar. Whether the two of them were actually alike, barely fucking mattered.

Starting point is 00:21:10 The click, that instant electric, oh, we just get each other feeling, is not you detecting a real fucking match, it's you projecting one. You meet someone, your brain fills in the blanks. So you decide, they're like you. You decide they get it. And the spark you feel as a response to the version of them, you just invented in your own fucking head. You're not falling for who they are. You're falling for who you assumed they were. And if you're single, here's what that tells you. The spark was never evidence. It was never proof of compatibility. It was you writing a story about a stranger and feeling a feeling about your own story because that's what potential is, right? The potential they have. But how do you know that they're going to get there? That's like me saying, you have potential to be a millionaire. And you're like, girl, I'm making $15. What the fuck are you talking about? Like, thanks for betting on me. But like, that doesn't mean I'm actually going to get there. That's the same in dating. Or in a relationship. And this is why someone can feel so completely right in week one and then slowly reveal themselves to be completely wrong. Nothing changed to them. The projection just wore off and the actual person came into focus. And if you're in a relationship, I really want you to hear this. Because this might be the most useful thing I fucking say today. Every relationship has a moment or a season where the projection wears off, where the fantasy version of your partner fades out and the real full, flawed, actual fucking human becomes into focus. And here's where people make a catastrophic mistake. They feel that shift. The fantasy ends and they label it.

Starting point is 00:22:21 We're not compatible anymore. They think the love died. But a lot of the time, the love didn't die. The illusion did. And that's where we're left with a real person. It's not a downgrade. It's real. The work, like the actual work of a relationship,

Starting point is 00:22:32 does not even begin until the projection ends. That's not the relationship. That's not it failing. That's actually at fucking starting. This episode is sponsored by Better Help. Summer can be a beautiful time for some folks, but it can also be a time where others feel like we're just surviving. I know for me, when it gets really quiet

Starting point is 00:22:48 and things start to die down, and dull down, you start to wonder, where's everybody gone? Is everything okay? And for other people, they get so overwhelmed with all of the things that they have to juggle, that that's why going to therapy and having a place that you can just be yourself and have a conversation and understand yourself better is so important. And that's why I love BetterHelp. They have over 30,000 therapists. They are the world's largest online therapy platform, having served over six million people globally. I love it. You go on, you take a quick quiz, you get matched with a therapist. And if you don't like that therapist, you can switch at any time for free. You just go to the top.

Starting point is 00:23:19 Quick switch therapist and boom. You can go to somebody else similar to dating, right? It might take you a minute. And that's why I love BetterHelp because they have an incredible matching system that allows you to get there quicker. Baby, you don't have to say yes to everything this summer. Find support in therapy. Sign up and get 10% off at BetterHelp.com slash Sabrina. That's BetterH-E-L-P dot com slash Sabrina.

Starting point is 00:23:40 Now I want to talk about the other direction of this same trick because this is the part that explains why some of you cannot move on from someone you should have moved on from a long fucking time ago. So, you know, I love my sign. There's a thing in memory research called the fading affect bias. And the basic idea is your brain doesn't store the good memories and the bad memories in the same way. The emotional charge attached to negative memories fades faster than the emotional charge attached to positive ones. So as time passes, the bad stuff softens, right? The good floats to the top and the bad sinks to the bottom. The good stays bright and your brain quietly hands you back an edited version of the relationship that is significantly rosier than the one you actually lived.

Starting point is 00:24:14 So six months after the breakup, you cannot for the life of you remember wide ended. You can remember the good trip, you remember the way you laughed, but you cannot summon in your body the feeling of being completely alone in the relationship or the fight that happened every other Sunday or the months you spent wondering if they even wanted to fucking be there. Those memories are still in your head somewhere. They just do not hit the same way anymore because the charge is gone. That's why the first thing I'll do whenever I work with someone in a breakup is, no, no, no, let's talk about, sure, you want to tell me all those amazing moments. And then how did you feel every single time they turned off? Or they shut down, or they left you, or you felt like a piece of shit, because we have to bring back to the surface. That's why I always say make an it list so that you're not just creating this fantasy of who this person is and holding on to them.

Starting point is 00:24:54 And that's why I'm not compatible. I haven't met anybody. I just connect with like this. It's like, no, baby, you're just comparing them to mama and daddy. They're just familiar. That doesn't mean that they're the one. Oh, the one for you is somebody that's going to dismiss you, discredit you, treat you like shit. Really, that's the one for you?

Starting point is 00:25:07 Who taught you that that's love? That's just your nervous system recognizing something familiar because your beliefs are that you're not worthy and deserving of more. And then that is you have to earn love and work for it. That's not the fucking one for you. That's the one that's going to put you in fucking therapy for years. So instead of putting them on a pedestal, let's take them down and put them where they belong. An X for a fucking reason. In your past, we're not looking back because they're not going that way.

Starting point is 00:25:27 And this is the part of the research that genuinely stopped me, baby. Study has found this bias, this protective rewriting of the past is much stronger, insecurely attached people. Insecurely attached folks, whether it's anxious or avoidant, do not get the same benefit. So if you're with someone who has been stuck on an X for a year, two years, longer, and you can understand why you cannot let them go, even though you know what's bad, this is part of why. The mechanism that helps other people move on is doing a worse job for you. It's not because you love them more. It's because your system was not built to file the painful

Starting point is 00:25:55 parts of love the way that some other people's are. So when your brain whispers, but it was so good, but I've never felt like this with anybody, but I do not think I can, you will connect with people like that. And I want you to hear that voice for what it is. It's not a verdict on your relationship. It's the fading affect bias. It's doing a quiet edit while your nervous system holds onto the highs and lets the lows blur. 99.9% of the time because those are core beliefs as well. because if you actually have to put them where they belong of like they treated me like shit, oh, I allowed it because I don't actually think I'm worthy and deserving of more. Oh, it's not about them.

Starting point is 00:26:23 It's about how I believe in myself. You didn't have something that was irreplaceable. You have a brain that is showing you the highlight reel and burying the rest of the tape. And this is why no contact matters so much, by the way. Every time you check their profile, every time you reread the old text, you're interrupting the fade. You're reinterjecting affect into the memory and you're keeping the relationship alive in a way that stops the natural process from doing its work. We have a whole episode on No Contact, Episode 196, if you want to go deeper. You want to know why you're stuck on someone and can't move on?

Starting point is 00:26:48 It's not because of the love of your life. It's because of something called fading affect bias. Your brain built a highlight reel and the bad faded away. That's why it's so important to make them a real fucking person. Remember all the reasons you weren't happy so you can finally break the loop and finally move the fuck on. So let's put it all together. The spark lies to you on the way in because your brain invents a match before you actually

Starting point is 00:27:07 know the person and memory lies to you on the way out because your brain edits the X rosier than they were. Same trick, two directions. And both of them are the reasons why people say stuck in the wrong relationship. the bullshit, the stuff that's wasting your fucking time, leave good ones, and you can't even tell which is which. The work is learning to see past the trick. And I know that's not the fun part. But let's talk about compatibility is being a verb. I want to put this all together because I want to leave you with something solid. There's one piece of research, and it might be my favorite because it points the actual thing. There's a concept in relationship science. It's honestly one of the most consistent findings in the entire fucking field. And the clinical name for it is perceived partner responsiveness. It's a gorgeous name. So let me say it like a human. It means does this person get you? Do you feel understood by them?

Starting point is 00:27:49 When you show them something real, something tender, something that matters to you, do they meet you there? Do they miss you? Do they make you feel like your inner world is safe with them? I know for me, for so long I was so terrified of losing other people until I started to realize that all I wanted was someone who saw me for who I was. But I couldn't do that if I didn't. There was no way I was going to allow somebody in my life if I was still so against who I am and what makes me unique and special. and what are the parts of myself that I don't like? Because I can't expect a partner to make me feel seen hurt and understood if I don't know how to receive that or I don't know what that feels like.

Starting point is 00:28:24 And so it's going to be really tough because then that's when we get, this is boring and I don't feel anything. Well, it may not be that you don't feel anything. It might be that you don't know what it is that you're actually looking for and what you actually need. And that's okay. You could be in a relationship and still not even know that. And there's a study that followed people for 20 years and found this exact thing. This feeling of being genuinely understood and responded to by your partner was linked to how people's whole.

Starting point is 00:28:46 lives went. 20 years, baby. Not the spark, not the shared hobbies, but quiet, unglomerous experience of feeling known. And why I love it is the whole point of today, right? Responsiveness is not a trait you screen for it and check it off. It's not a fixed thing. Responsiveness is something you do over and over or stop doing. It's how you respond when your partner is having a bad day. It's whether you put your phone down when they're telling you something. It's whether you make them feel like a priority or like an interruption. And Ryan and I've gone through that. I have told him so many times when I call your name in the house, it makes me feel really shitty when you, yes. And you're like, fuck, dude.

Starting point is 00:29:22 I'm like, and I'm bothering you that much? Like, that makes me feel really small and insignificant. And that happened the other day. I said, babe, and it was, yes. And I said, what the fuck was that? I was like, I don't appreciate that. You don't need to speak to me like I'm your little sister or like I'm annoying you. I want to be, fucking feel like I'm seen in my own house.

Starting point is 00:29:40 And if I call for you, you respond to me. And he stopped and he was like, I'm sorry, sweetie. What is it that you need? And I was like, I don't even need anything. But no, I stopped and I was like, cool, thank you. Like, I want to feel seen hurt and understood. Even when I'm on a fucking manic loop, I don't necessarily need somebody to come in and fix me and save me. I need somebody that sees me, that understands me, that has the bandwidth and the capacity to hold space for me so that I could be a human in my own fucking house. And if you can't even feel that in your own relationship, then you're really going to struggle to feel that in a marriage or with children or beyond.

Starting point is 00:30:13 which means compatibility, real compatibility. It's not a noun. It's not a score the two of you get one day and you keep forever. It is a verb. It's something you actively do or actively not do every single week you are fucking with someone. And this is why single people and the couple people are in the exact same episode today. If you're single, your job is not to find the person you click with. Your job is to notice who you actually function well with. Who is responsive to you? Who makes the hard things feel even smaller? And if your partner, your job is not to relax because, hey, you already found them. No, that's why so many people every single day I get the messages of. but why am I still anxious when I have a partner? It's like because it was never about them. It was never about I just need a partner and then I'll feel good. If you're looking at when this, then this, you're going to feel really fucking lonely. External doesn't create the internal. External, of course it can help, right? I have a partner now. I can do things with. Life is a little bit more enjoyable in certain ways, but then it has its pros and cons. Everything has a cost to it. Your job is to not to relax because you found them. Your job is to keep choosing it. To keep doing the verb because compatibility that you stop maintaining will quietly rot and

Starting point is 00:31:12 compatibility you keep building will deepen for 20 years. Now let's talk about the cost. There's always a cost. I'm not going to skip it. Choosing real compatibility means giving up the high. You're giving up the spark and the projection and the limerance that intoxicating can't eat, sleep, feeling because it feels so valuable. But that's not the sign of a great relationship. It is actually closer to a feeling about your own fantasy. And the real thing, the responsive thing, the being known thing, it's quieter than that. Doesn't spike. That's why a lot of people feel like it's boring because you don't have to earn it. And if your whole life you've been taught that the spike is loved, then choosing the quiet, the steady, it's going to.

Starting point is 00:31:42 going to feel like a loss. You have to grieve the high. You're going to have to let yourself be sad that the dramatic version was never the one that could hold you. And until you grieve it, the right thing is going to feel like settling when it actually is the exact opposite. So, let's get into a quick tool of the week, because you guys know I always give you one. I want you to write down on the list how this person makes you feel. Not any of the, you can write on another list what they have. They have money. They have a great job. They have a good hairline. They're funny. But how do they make you feel? And when you say, I feel really seen, right? I do with my clients, I'll be like, oh, I felt so safe and consistent. And I'm like, okay, what did they do that

Starting point is 00:32:15 made you feel that? And oftentimes I actually don't really have anything. What made them feel safe was just having a person there, but not because of that person actually made them feel safe. And I want you to really start to list out what is it that they make you feel? And then whether you're single, you're dating, you're in a relationship, that doesn't matter. Because then we start to look and say, well, then what are my choices? What is between the fantasy and the reality of the person that I'm having? Because in that, when you can access a place of choice, that's when you can change your fucking life. And then that's when you can decide, is this person right for me? Right? If I were going to put a list with Ryan, yeah, he's tall, he's cute, he has a fun personality, he can cook really

Starting point is 00:32:49 well. But then when I look at how do I feel with him, I feel seen hurt and understood in a way I've never felt. I feel safe with somebody. Other moments, right? He's a human and so am I. Of course there's moments where you're like, I don't want to bother them. But no matter what I push through that, I feel like I can take up space. I feel like I have somebody that is really in my corner that genuinely loves me for who I am and believes in me. That is invaluable. And that is why I'm choosing this person every day because and then they also choose me. And so I want you to really start to take stock of what is it that you have and what do they make you feel? And then what's the on paper? And then how much of the on paper is satisfying you and how much of the how much you feel is satisfying you.

Starting point is 00:33:24 I love you. I love you too. Now you guys are going to get tech guy in all the fucking episodes. So here's what I want you to take out of this episode. One question. And it works whether this is your third date or your 10th year of marriage. Do I feel known here? Not do I feel butterflies? Not do we do the same things. Not is this easy? Not does this look right, do I feel known here? Does this person meet me when I show them something real? And just as important, the other direction, am I making them feel known? Compatibility is a verb, and then verbs go both ways. I'm tired of this content on the internet, everything being me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me. No, there's also a fucking other person in this dynamic that we have to be cognizant and aware of, but I need you to be in touch with yourself so that you can then be present for somebody else. And I'll be honest, I'm not going to sit here and act like I have

Starting point is 00:34:03 transcended all of this. I haven't. The pull of the spark and the pull of the fantasy, the part of me that learned love is supposed to feel like a roller coaster. I didn't fully disappear. It just got quieter. I still catch myself. Am I going to choose violence tonight? No, girl. You're not. And the why underneath all of it, the reason your body confuses the spark for love, the reason calm can feel boring, that lives somewhere deeper. And we're going to spend real time there this summer in a series. I'm excited at that. So this conversation has not finished, baby, considered to date the start of it. So for this week, just carry the one question. Do I feel known here?

Starting point is 00:34:31 Try it on the person you're dating. Try it on the person you've been with for years. Try it on the relationship you're not sure about. And see what it chose you. You're not bad at love, baby. You were just handed a broken definition of it. a definition can be replaced. That's the whole work. I love you, friends. Thank you for being here. Thank you for showing up as you and allowing me to show up as me. Thanks for pre-ordering my book. Why am I like this? Get your freebies at SprinaZer.com backslash book. And you scroll down. It says, claim my bonuses. Please do not DM me the copies of your receipt because I'm just going to then send you to the website because I cannot access the course and put you in it myself. And thank you guys for being here. As always, if you need anything, we've got the courses. You can work 101, ask a question, get ad free or just be here. I'm so grateful for you. Don't forget to comment. Let me know what you think.

Starting point is 00:35:10 I'll see you next week.

The Sabrina Zohar Show - 210: How To Know If You Are Compatible With Someone

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