The Sabrina Zohar Show - 212: Why You Can't Let Go (Even When You Know You Should)

Starting point is 00:00:00 You just sent it, didn't you? The text? The one you swore you weren't going to send. The one you typed out three fucking times and deleted and sent anyways because something in you needed the last word. And now you're sitting here waiting for the three dots, knowing this is going to make it worse. And you can't believe you did it again. Yeah, we're talking about that today. While you can't let it go, even when you know who should. Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar show. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. Hi, friends. Happy Friday. Welcome to another series because, you know, I can't get enough of, I love series because we could build off something. And today, we're going to talk about why you have to have the last word, why you always go outwards and it's a fight and it's an argument or it's an explosion or it's a no, no, no, I have to be heard. I have to be seen. We're going to talk about all that today because today is part one of a four-part series for what does you think? The nervous system. And no, I didn't want to lead with the nervous system because so many people hop off with that. this is not just anger issues. This is not what we're talking about today. Fight is not the outward of just always being angry. It manifests in different ways. And we're going to talk about it whether you're single, whether you're dating, whether you're in a relationship, every aspect,

Starting point is 00:01:10 because I want to support you guys along your journey and not just from one part of it. Guys, don't forget debuk. DeBuck! Why am I like this? Is available on pre-order? I'm going to not shut up about it for the next few months. Please, please, don't forget to pre-order. You get freebies. If you go to Sabrina Zohar.com backslash book and you upload your receipt there, please do not DM me the receipt. I mean, I can give you the link, but that's it. Upload your receipt there. You get some freebies. You get a free course and a workbook as a thank you. And please, if you can, order the hardcover. That's how we get the New York time bestseller. But if you order audiobook or e-book, please don't worry about it. We're just grateful that you're reading the fucking thing. All of it applies. Worldwide, if your country doesn't show up when you're on Amazon, it might not be available yet. But it's definitely in the UK, Australia, America, Canada, all the places. Guys, thank you so much for being here. Thank you for being on my team. As always, please don't forget to rate and review the show, share it with a friend,

Starting point is 00:01:59 speak with kindness. That's the only fucking thing I ask. If this is your first time, welcome. And if it's your last time, that's okay too. I do not take offense to that. But we just want to create a community of safety here. So please use your words with kindness. All right, babe.

Starting point is 00:02:11 Without further ado, let's get right on into it, shall we? Hi, friends. I was a little hesitant to do this series, not because I don't think it's necessary, but because I know people are fickle with the titles. and I really wanted this to be something that you guys actually understand the true definition of being triggered and dysregulated and not the pop psychology. I'm seeing a lot of dangerous misinformation about a lot of things. I'm on threads and I'll be threading all day, girl.

Starting point is 00:02:38 And I'm sitting through and I'm seeing things of like avoidance are abusive and they're disgusting. And I'm like, whoa, this is really dangerous rhetoric because what we're looking at is fight is fine, but flight is not. I don't know that either one of those is necessarily healthy. So we're going to really understand all of this. And guys, as always, if you need anything, everything will be at Sabrinazohar.com. You can join one of the courses, work one-on-one. You can ask a question. We have our quiz on there.

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Starting point is 00:03:19 And just be here. Thank you for being here. by my side. So let's get the fuck on into it, shall we? All right. So here's the first thing I have to say because if I don't say it now, half of you guys are probably going to be like, I don't have anger issues. Fight mode isn't just yelling. Fight mode is not just the loud version. It's not just the person that slams the door and raises their voices. That's one version of it. And if that's you, cool. Stay with me. We're going to get to it. That was me. I, it's so funny, I was talking to my brother yesterday and we were talking about like shutting down or going outwards. And he was

Starting point is 00:03:48 like, you know, I mean, I think every person has variables of that. And I was like, absolutely. But then we have to say, but what are the patterns? Like my pattern used to be, I would, it was with my dad. It was this cycle where like I would say something. He would say something that hurt my feelings. And instead of me just being like, okay, Sabrina Water off a duck's back. No, I would start screaming. I would cry. I remember being on like the ball on the floor, like hyperventilating in the bathroom, begging someone to come in, praying someone would come. No one came. No one came. I would be in there sad and miserable and screaming and protest behavior and all of these things. And I remember just feeling so sad, so miserable, so stuck in this like glass cage, blah, box of emotion, right?

Starting point is 00:04:31 This like cage that I felt like I couldn't get out of. And I just, I didn't understand what that meant. I didn't understand that when I get dysregulated, I was going towards fight. I was going very outward. But there is a quiet version of fight mode that is responsible for more wrecked relationships and ending relationships, then the loud one. And almost no one fucking talks about it. So let me name it for you because I want you to find yourself somewhere on the list. If this is what pertains. Otherwise, we've got flight, freeze, fawn coming up.

Starting point is 00:04:57 Don't worry. So fight mode is needing the last word, right? The conversation is over. And I'm going to give you like a few examples as to what fight is. So bear with me. Start to take stock. And I'd be curious if you leave a comment after of like, where do you fall in the list? Like what version of fight feels like, oh, that choose your fighter.

Starting point is 00:05:13 Like that's the one I go towards. So the meeting the last word, the conversation is over. They've said their thing. You've said your thing. And you can't let it fucking land. You can't let it land on their point. You have to circle back. You have to add in one more line.

Starting point is 00:05:27 You have to make sure your version is the one that closes the conversation. And I'll give you an example. I posted a video the other day of three dating questions to ask. Now again, here's the beautiful thing about free will. You could just go, I don't want to ask those and move on. Right. But I had said, if you are scared to ask these, maybe we can look at your emotion. availability. And one of the questions was who do you share something really exciting? Like, who do you go to? Who's your person? For me, I'd be like, my mom, my best friend, right? Like, I have people now. I'd be like, oh, Jillian Tarecki. Like, she's one of my closest friends. We could talk every single day. Like, she's somebody I would turn to. Ryan, my mom, right? And the reason that we ask that is because you want to understand, like, who does this person have people in their life? And this isn't about, like, I never once said it's a red flag if they don't or run. All I said was, like, just get curious and start.

Starting point is 00:06:15 to understand them. And there was one person who commented so many times, like literally creating things that I never said. I had to transcribe the video because I literally was like, well, wait, did I say that? I kept watching it back. And I was like, I never once said they're a red flag. They're not worthy and deserving of love. And I was like, that person was projecting. Because he was like, well, I don't have anybody close in my life. And you're telling me I'm not deserving. I was like, no one said that. I was like, what I'm saying is that if there's no one close in your life, then maybe dating's not the priority, maybe building a community, maybe having other people that you can share things with and having safe spaces,

Starting point is 00:06:46 maybe that's more the priority than looking for a partner because that partner can become very codependent. Like, I want someone that has a life outside of me. And if somebody tells me I have no one I can turn to, I don't talk to anybody. It's like, that might be a concern. That doesn't mean they're not worthy of love, right? Two conflicting thoughts.

Starting point is 00:07:01 That can still be a red flag of like, oh, okay, well, then who do you go to? Right. You just bottle everything in. Like, how is this going to manifest in our relationship? Are you going to have your own life? Right. Like, again, it's about getting curious. And this person refused to accept anything I said.

Starting point is 00:07:14 It was dozens of comments of like just, no, but you didn't say that. You said this. And I finally got to a point. And I was like, what do you want for me? Do you want me to say you're right? I'm a piece of shit. And I'm a fucking ass on everything's my fault. And I was like, and that was the prime example of this fight.

Starting point is 00:07:29 Of you have to have the last word. It has to be, no, what I say is the end all be all. And that is incredibly dangerous because here's the thing. People love to fucking diagnosis. They're avoidant and they shut down and they can't have a conversation. you know what they forget, that sometimes some people are so fucking overbearing that the other person, no matter how secure they are, will shut down. Because if you're constantly trying to prove your point, have the last word, it's not about the other person not being able to receive it. It's about the fact

Starting point is 00:07:55 that you're so fucking disregulated. You're also not reading the room that the other person is feeling overwhelmed and doesn't know what to do with it. Now, can that happen if you've been in a relationship for a few years? Sure. But if you're in a first, second, or third date and someone just says something that you don't like and you're fucking pouncing on them and sending a hundred text messages until they say you're right, then baby, I need you to fucking stop for a second, regulate your nervous system and start to be realistic. Is it that they're avoidant or is it that you have to have the last word? It's just about self-awareness. I am so exhausted of this toxic bullshit on Instagram and TikTok of like the avoidant is the worst person and when they shut down,

Starting point is 00:08:29 it's not, but yet idealizing that somebody goes into fight and somebody that's outward and screaming and yelling and pro-to-well, they're communicating. Constantly talking doesn't necessarily mean communicating and you going outward doesn't make it any better than that person going inward. Both people have a reaction. Both people have an activation and deactivation strategy, and both people are letting their nervous system take over and not their prefrontal cortex. So instead of projecting and making everybody else the fucking villain,

Starting point is 00:08:54 maybe we can look at ourselves. Fight mode is also keeping score, right? That mental file you have on them, the list of every disappointment, every dropped ball, every time they show up late, every flaky fucking text from a person you've known for two fucking weeks, that you can pull up and present like a closing argument the second you need ammo.

Starting point is 00:09:09 Most people don't even realize they're doing it until you hear yourself bringing up something from a month ago. If you even notice, that came from the file. That file has been open the whole fucking time. The conversation you're avoiding having is actually the conversation that's probably going to change the relationship. If you're scared of speaking up, if you're scared of telling somebody how you feel, then let them fucking go if that's what it's going to take.

Starting point is 00:09:27 Because if I can't be honest and I can't take up space and what the fuck am I trying so hard to keep that person in my life for. Fight mode is being right. Choosing being right over being close. Choosing being right over a good night. Choosing being right over the second date. you might not even know you're doing it. And realistically, letting it go feels like you're losing and losing feels like you're being

Starting point is 00:09:45 erased. That's why I'll see this all the time where somebody tells you, you know, I'm not feeling it. And you're like, but I'm not saying you didn't even give me a chance. And you're like trying to explain to them why you should be given another opportunity. If you have to remind somebody that you exist, if you have to remind somebody of your worth because they don't see it, then is it actually about them or is it about convincing yourself that you are worthy of being chosen? Because at the end of the day, if you're trying to get them to see you, I need you

Starting point is 00:10:08 to ask yourself if you even fucking see yourself. Fight mode is the cold version, the icy silence, the clipped one-word text. It's not yelling, babe. It's the opposite. Withdrawing all the warmth and weaponizing it, making them work for your attention back. And some of us don't even realize we're doing it because there's no fight. But the goal is the same. You're protecting yourself by attacking. You're just doing it with the absence instead of the presence. Fight mode is replaying the argument in your head three hours later. We all do this. You're in the shower. You're driving home. 2 a.m. where you're writing the perfect comeback you never got to say. I do that all the time. I like snap back at somebody on Instagram and then two hours later. I'm like, oh, fuck, why didn't

Starting point is 00:10:45 you see this? I was such a better reaction. And I'm like, yeah, whatever. I don't even remember their name. I don't know what I said. Right. That's your nervous system still in fight hours after your body left the room. Fight mode is the test text. The one you said, not because you want to talk to them, but because you want to see what happens. You leave it open ended. You make it ambiguous. And then you wait. And the second they respond in a way that you don't love, that's it. You have your answer. See, I knew it. I knew they would. I did. I did. I did. No, you didn't. You set up an experiment to confirm something before your body already decided.

Starting point is 00:11:12 I see that all the time of like, well, I said something. And then they didn't ask me on a second date. And it's like, so why are you testing this person? Instead, why don't you take up space and just fucking tell them what it is that you want? Fight mode is bringing up old shit. That thing from the trip. The way they talked to you in front of their friends six months ago. The text that didn't answer fast enough in March.

Starting point is 00:11:29 Maybe you don't even notice you're doing it. But that's really when you get on that loop and you might not be able to stop. Fight mode is also the preemptive strike. the pushing away of someone amazing because you don't think you're deserving of it. So you have to find the catch before they do. You sabotage, right? That's that self-protection. I've even had to do that where if I, like right now, again, not dating, so I'll give you a personal example. I want my own TV show more than anything. And so I'll find myself auditioning. And then all everybody around me is super excited. I'm like, don't get too excited. Don't get too excited because I try to measure my own

Starting point is 00:12:02 disappointment. And I used to do that in dating. You'd meet somebody. And then all of a sudden, this is why I'll always say like, oh, is it that your gut just knew or is it that you set this person up for failure? Because you're dating somebody that's emotionally unavailable and then you hide parts of yourself. And then when you finally express yourself, you'd see, I knew it. They were going to walk away. Oh, that's not because your body just knew. That's not because you're just so perceptive. That's because you set this up.

Starting point is 00:12:25 That you weren't actually seeing them for who they were. Then you create this whole narrative. Then when you prove your own self right, then all of a sudden it's see, I told you I knew it. That's also called confirmation bias. And so is it really that you were right or is it that maybe you weren't looking at things earlier? And I see that all the time, too, of like, maybe you'll ghost the nice person, but then you go back to the one that feels familiar. Your body would rather wreck it on purpose than wait to be wrecked. And fight mode is wanting them to feel what they made you feel, not wanting an apology, not wanting a conversation, wanting them to hurt the way you hurt, wanting them to lie awake at night, the way you lie, that impulse, right, that little flash of vengeance.

Starting point is 00:13:03 you do not love admitting you have it. And I get that. But that is fight mode. And that is really that like scoreboard. So if you heard yourself in any of that, you're in fight mode probably more than you realize. And it doesn't matter if you're single. If you're dating, you're in a situation, you're married. The body does the same thing. The flight response doesn't care what stage of love that you're in. It wants to win the fight has never been able to win when you were small. So the question isn't am I an angry person. The question is, why does my body keep doing this? Right? I mean, you can also not answer why. But what comes up for me? What can I not let go of even when I know I should. What does the argument keep going in my head for? When it's over,

Starting point is 00:13:38 what am I trying to prove? What am I trying to understand? What am I trying to win from? This is what we're about to get into, baby. All right, let's get back to it. So let's talk about the why, because everything I just listed is not a personality. This isn't just I'm a passionate person or I'm just direct. It's not, I just have a temper and that's who I am. It's your nervous system. And fight mode is one of the four survival responses your body runs when it perceives a threat. The body can't tell the difference between a threat to your life and a threat to your sense of being loved, being respected, being chosen. So when someone you're dating texts back two hours later than you expected or your partner sighs in the wrong fucking tone or someone says something that lands like criticism, your nervous

Starting point is 00:14:13 system doesn't consult your prefrontal cortex. It doesn't pause and be like, hmm, this is actually a problem. Like we don't challenge the thought. It floods. Your heart rate goes up. Your stress hormones are online. Survival math is running and the survival math is asking one question, how do I make this stop? Every day, you guys ask me every single day, how can I get rid of this quick? How can stop feeling like this and the problem is you want a quick answer life isn't fucking amazon you're not going to be able to get rid of something because you wave a magic wand you have to go through it you have to feel it you have to understand what's coming up for you and you have to start to connect your mind to your body and fight mode answers that question with attack get bigger get sharper get the

Starting point is 00:14:49 upper hand get them to back down win that's what i described in that story earlier that person had to win because if i'm right and he's wrong no no no no no he has to be right i have to be wrong because he can't hold two conflicting thoughts to go, oh, I can understand. You're right. There could be a red flag in that question. And maybe there is something I should get curious about within myself. Doesn't mean I'm a red flag. Just I mean I'm worthy and deserving. But when we go to that black and white thinking, all or nothing, yay, nay, good, bad. You're just going right back into that fight. And here's the thing. Your body is not even trying to win the actual fright in front of you. It's trying to win a fight that happened long ago when you were small and someone made you feel powerless. And the only thing that ever worked was getting bigger than the thing that scared you. So your body learned to get bigger. get louder, get colder, get cutting. Never let anyone see you flinch. So when I said earlier, your body is still in the fight hours after the fight ended, that is literally what is happening physiologically. Once your nervous system is fully activated into fight mode,

Starting point is 00:15:43 it can't just turn off because of the words, right? The chemicals are in your bloodstream, the vigilance is up. The 11 to PM replay on your head is your body still scanning, still looking for the neck attacks, still running the mouth on how to win. Now, I want to talk about a study that came out in 2024 because this one specifically explains the part of you who cannot let go. The keeping score part, the bringing up old things. So research at the University of St. Andrews ran a series of experiments where they had romantic couples compete face-to-face so they could play loud, uncomfortable noises into each other's headphones at whatever volume they wanted.

Starting point is 00:16:14 Oh, I'd be nervous to do this with mine. Over 6,000 trials across two studies. What they were measuring was when and how real couples actually retaliate against each other in real time. And what they found was couples retaliate. Not all at once. Not in a giant explosion, but consistently. When one partner expressed a negative emotion on their face, their partner behavior changed measurably. They blasted them back.

Starting point is 00:16:36 Not just once. It was a pattern. The technical term in the paper is reactive aggression. The human term, right, is you hurt me, I hurt you back. And both partners' faces were data the other partner's nervous system was using to make the call. So what the fuck does that mean for you? It means your nervous system is doing exactly what it evolved to do, which is track every fucking micro injury and respond with a matched micro injury. so the scale stay even.

Starting point is 00:17:00 Match that energy is a waste of your fucking time. Why are you watering yourself down to match where somebody else is? Why are you changing who the fuck you are to make somebody else feel like you're matching that? Instead of matching their energy, stay on your fucking energy, stay with what feels authentic to you and let people leave if that's what they're meant to fucking do. Instead of trying to match them, maybe you can stay where you are and let them fucking walk. And that's why I'm not into like the match the energy thing. because the scorekeeping, it doesn't mean you're dramatic, but your body is running a survival algorithm.

Starting point is 00:17:31 That's why I hate the match the energy thing, because what ends up happening is that is something that we're evolved to do, and I want us to try to get out of that, to not have to match the energy, to not have to be like everybody else, to be authentically your fucking self. That if I hurt my partner, that I take ownership of that. If my partner hurt me, I'm not trying to then make him feel like shit,

Starting point is 00:17:50 which I've caught myself, I will be 100% honest with you, where Ryan shuts down. And then I, or like, he'll say something and I feel rejected. So then in my head, I'm like, fine. I'm not going to answer. Fine. Then let him feel what it feels like to be rejected. And I catch myself and I'm like, you dumb bitch.

Starting point is 00:18:06 I don't say that. Sometimes I do. And I'll just be like, whoa, Zohar. So you're playing the same game. You want him to hurt in the way that he hurt you. And instead I'll say, hey, I didn't appreciate that. I didn't like the way you said that to me. That actually really hurt.

Starting point is 00:18:18 So that he understands. He's like, oh, shit. Okay, sorry. Like didn't mean to her. Like, oh, wow, didn't even notice that I said anything that, like, hurt you. instead of stooping to the level, you stay where you're at. And the same study found that introducing a, this is the fascinating part, that introducing a forced break, even a short one, five to 15 seconds between when someone got hit and when they could

Starting point is 00:18:38 hit back, reduced the aggression. Just the pause. Just the gap. Just the space between the trigger and the response. That's what I've been saying for fucking millennia. Put a space between stimulus and response because otherwise we go stimulus reaction. And when you react, you're not actually giving yourself any time. The science is telling us, baby, that the one thing standing between your fight mode and a different outcome is not insight.

Starting point is 00:19:00 It's not knowing yourself better. It's a fucking pause, a real one. And we're going to come back to that because I'm going to give you a tool for that. So how does this show up in dating and in real relationships? I want to take this into your actual life because fight mode shows up differently depending on where you are. If you're single, fight mode is the energy you bring to the first date. It's that interview vibe, like the test, you see how they handle pressure, the not too eager calibration. You're not flirting, you're screening.

Starting point is 00:19:23 And underneath that screening, your body is trying to prove that you're not the one who's going to hurt me. Show me you could pass. And some of us are scaring off perfectly good people in one week because your fight mode has its gloves on before the dates have even started. You're not asking, is this person good for me? You're asking, are they about to wreck me? And you can't tell the difference between the two questions until you slow your body the fuck down enough to ask the first one. In a situation ship, it's a worse version. A situation ship is already ambiguous.

Starting point is 00:19:50 You don't have a label, you don't have a status, you don't have clarity, which means your fight mode has nothing to push against and everywhere to go. So you keep score of the text, you analyze the timestamps, you catch yourself drafting the speech, you would give them if they finally cross the fucking line. You're at war with someone you didn't even actually fucking have. And the worst part is the longer the situation chip goes, the more your nervous system convinces you that the war is the relationship. And if you're in a relationship, fight mode is the picking. You pick at the small things. You test what happens if they don't text first. Guilty?

Starting point is 00:20:18 I used to do that. Judge juror and executioner. If a guy didn't text me within 10 minutes when I text him or if I woke up and I didn't have my good morning test, that was it. That was a test I was putting this person under. It didn't nothing to fucking do with our connection. What's a good morning text doing besides reaffirming my core beliefs that, see, I am worthy and deserving, making me feel wanted, validating and reassuring that they're not going to leave me. But that had nothing to do with them and everything to do with what it was bringing up in me. So if you're so focused on testing them and seeing when they're doing this and when they're doing that, I need you to start asking, is this about the connection or is this about me saying that I'm not going to be abandoned.

Starting point is 00:20:49 You're looking for a version that you've been waiting to defend your whole fucking life. And the calmer they are, the more activated some of you get. Because their calm reads to your body like a trick. Where's the catch? When does the bad version show up? And I get it. Some of us can't tolerate a kind partner because your nervous system is convinced kind people don't exist. So the calm must be lying.

Starting point is 00:21:07 And there is a specific version of this that I want to call out because I get a question about it that broke my heart a little bit. So one of you guys asked again. So at the Sabrina Zohar show on Instagram, I have a question box that comes up. So don't forget to follow along. and I'm always asking you guys what you want for episodes. And one of you guys asked, how do I approach a healthy relationship after an abusive one and how do I handle it when the trigger happens?

Starting point is 00:21:27 If that's you, I want you to hear. The fight mode you bring into your new relationship is not about you being a bad fucking partner. It's about your body still trying to protect you from the last one. The trigger is real. The activation is real. The thing that changed just the person in front of you. So your work and it's really fucking hard work

Starting point is 00:21:40 is teaching your body over time with repetition and that's why we say corrective experiences is that the new person is not the old person. You can't do that by force. You can only do that by giving your body new evidence over and over that this person is safe. That could take time. Not because there's something wrong with you, but your body has learned a lesson under threat and is learning now a new one under safety.

Starting point is 00:22:01 And that's going to take time. And the thing that the trigger is, got to remember, a trigger doesn't mean that you have to do anything about it. A trigger means that you can get curious about it and start to understand yourself. And if you're in a long-term relationship, fight mode is the recurring fight. The one you have had 30 fucking times is the same words, right? It's not actually about the dishes. It's not actually about the in-laws or whatever fucking bullshit surface thing is about the fight. The fight is your two nervous systems doing a dance that they've been doing since probably month four.

Starting point is 00:22:25 Every time you have it, you both walk away, convince the other partner is the problem. They're not. The pattern is the problem. And the thing I want that the partnered people to hear is because this is like what kind of genuinely breaks like fucking long-term love. When you're in fight mode and you can't let it go, you're not just hurting the relationship in the moment. You're training your partner's nervous system. Every time you guys fight and you have and your. You're keeping score. You're bringing up the old thing. You have to win. You're teaching them over years that you're not safe to be honest with. So they stop being honest. They start managing you. They start choosing their words. They start hiding the small things because they don't know what sets you off. And one day you wake up next to a stranger who's being very, very careful around you. And you think, when did we lose the connection? You trained it out of them. One fight at a fucking time. And I'm not saying that to make you feel horrible. I'm saying that this is fixable, right? Your nervous system can learn a different pattern. But you can't fix it if you won't name it. That's a

Starting point is 00:23:16 exactly why I say, if you want to villainize the avoidant but say that the anxious person is doing nothing wrong, then that's just playing victim. Because no one's right or wrong. Everybody has their shit. There are a lot of anxious folk that I, frankly speaking, can't be around. It's way too destabilizing for me because they have no stability. It's the same with someone super avoidant. Every fucking three seconds they're shutting down and removing themselves, you're like, I don't want to deal with this. That to me is being secure, saying that doesn't work for me. Here's the thing. Love is not unconditional. Adult relationships are not unconditional. It is conditional because if you start treating me like shit, I don't need to fucking stay. I don't have to take your bullshit if you're not doing

Starting point is 00:23:55 any work on yourself. You're treating me like shit. Love is not enough. You need comprehension. You need true compatibility, which is morals, ethos, ethics, values aligning. It's not just about love. And if you think that it's just unconditional love and that anybody should, baby, they are not your fucking parents. They do not have to stick around if you don't fucking show up for them as well and the relationship. So what does this cost you? I told you we're not going to stay on the surface. Underneath fight is almost always a fear that doesn't match the size of the fight. The fear of being dismissed, the fear of being controlled, the fear of being made small the way you were made small a long time ago, the fear of being abandoned. The second you stop performing for someone.

Starting point is 00:24:31 Anger is rarely the first emotion, baby. It's usually the second one. Underneath, every flare-up is a softer feeling that didn't feel safe to have. So your body reached for the one that has more armor to it. And this is where the second piece of research comes in. And this one kind of explains a lot. Well-established finding in the psychology literature and something called anger rumination. Angeromination is exactly what it sounds like, replaying the thing, mentally rehearsing the same fucking argument, constructing the perfect comeback you never got to deliver, holding the grudge so it stays warm. And what the research consistently shows is this. Ruminating on anger does not release it, it feeds it. This is the opposite of what most of us

Starting point is 00:25:04 were told. We were told, get it out, vent, talk about it, don't bottle it up. But the studies show that venting and rehearsing actually increase the aggression. The rumination is not processing the anger. The rumination is keeping the anger emotionally alive in your body. So every time you go back in the shower to like rehearse it, every time you like script the speech you give them or you let the imaginary argument play out one more round in your head, you're dosing yourself with the chemicals of the original fight. You're not getting over it. You're re-upping. So when you say, I can't let it go. What is actually happening is that your body keeps picking it up? Your body didn't get stuck in the fight. You're returning to it over and over because your nervous system has decided that letting it go feels like surrender and surrender isn't safe. What does it cost you? Let me name the cost out. because it's the part nobody does. It costs you your sleep. The hours you spent rehearsing instead of resting, the nights you went to bed angry at someone who was already sleeping, are the miss sleep because you're up all night trying to understand them. It costs you the next person because if you're still emotionally in the fight with the last one, you can't show up for the new one as the actual person. You show up as the bodyguard. The body doesn't car doesn't follow in love, baby. Only the person.

Starting point is 00:26:04 Cost you Tuesday nights, the good ones, the ordinary ones, the ones where you could have been close to your person or just at peace with yourself and you spent stewing and trying to figure out and blocking and unblocking. Look at all the fucking mental energy. It costs you the version of you that gets to be soft. The version that gets to be tender, that doesn't have to have to have to have to have to be on arms. Some of you haven't even fucking met that version.

Starting point is 00:26:24 You've been so armored up. Yeah, and put the armor down. And to me, the deepest cost, it costs you being known. Because of the version of you that fights is not the real you, angel. That's the bodyguard. And when the people in your life only meet the bodyguard, they never actually meet the person underneath it, the one who's scared, the one who's tired,

Starting point is 00:26:42 the one who wants to just be held without having to earn it. And I know that because I used to say that to my mom. I would meet people and they would think I'm so strong and I don't need anything. And I would say I look like a lioness on the outside, then I'm like a teddy bear on the inside. I'm hurt and I feel sad. But I was so focused on I don't want anyone to think I ever hurt. So I have to show up as this. I didn't really let anybody in to see the vulnerable side of me, the side of me that gets hurt when someone says something mean.

Starting point is 00:27:07 One of my girlfriends the other day, she was like, yeah, you were really sensitive. You get really hurt when you get a negative comment. And I was like, I don't, one, why is that a bad thing? And two, I was like, how often the average person who doesn't have millions of followers, how often do you have people telling you that they don't like you? How often do you have people telling you that they don't like your speech? Or they don't like how you show up or they don't want to listen to you? Or because you said something they don't like, they are done with you.

Starting point is 00:27:29 How often does that happen? For me, that's why I show those parts of myself to you guys, because I don't want to hide it. I don't want you to think that, ah, ha, ha, ha. Oh, she just roses on daisies. It's like, no, that's part of being a human. And so let's get into the tool. You know, I always give you a tool of the week, baby. So this one is straight out of the research. Next time you feel the heat rising, the next time you feel like you're about to launch a fucking missile, you're going to do one thing and you're going to give yourself 20 minutes. So if you're in a fight with the person, your partner, whatever, leave the room, right? If you're spiraling alone at 11 p.m.

Starting point is 00:28:00 With someone you went on two dates with, put the phone down and walk into another room. So the reason it's 20 is biological. Once your nervous system is fully activated into fight mode, it takes 20 minutes roughly of no. further activation for the stress hormones to clear your bud stream and for your body to come back to baseline. So any conversation you try to have before that is not a conversation. Any text that you draft before that is not just a text. It's your activated nervous system. So if you're with someone, say it out loud. I'm not walking away from this. I am too activated to talk right now and I don't want to say something I can't take back.

Starting point is 00:28:30 I'll come back in 20 minutes. Let me finish. Or I'm going to go for a walk right now. I don't want to say something I'm going to regret. Can we talk in 25 minutes? Right? You don't need to slam the door. You don't punish them by leaving.

Starting point is 00:28:40 You leave because your body needs to come down before you can have a real conversation. If you're alone, the rule is the same. 20 fucking minutes before you send the text. 20 minutes before you check their profile. 20 minutes before you reread the conversation. In the 20 minutes, you don't rehearse your case. You don't script the comeback. You don't text your friend the play by play because remember,

Starting point is 00:28:57 rumination keeps the fight emotionally there. You breathe, you walk, you wash your hands in cold water. You do anything except feed the fire. And if you guys want more in the link in bio at SabrinaZo.com, there's a free guide on regulating. You can just take some techniques in there. Again, regulating doesn't mean it all goes away. Regulating just means you're coming back to the present moment. And then you come back. And you will be shocked at what your nervous system can do with 20 fucking minutes of space that it's absolutely cannot do with that. So here's the question I want you to carry this week, baby. When I cannot let go of it, what am I actually trying to protect? Not why is my partner wrong? Not why does this person keep doing this to me? Not the woe is me. The question is internal. When my body refuses to put the fight down, when it's guarded, what is the soft thing underneath the armor that I'm not letting myself feel? feel. And I want to be honest with you, I'm not going to sit here as if I have this fucking

Starting point is 00:29:42 transcended, right? I still catch myself wanting the last word. I still catch myself rehearsing the argument in my head three fucking hours later. I still keep a little file on people, sometimes when I shouldn't, right? I did this and they didn't do that. The work is not arriving to a place where the fight response goes away. The fight response plays a part because if somebody is doing something that's an approach, the fight comes out, right? And then you're like, fuck you up standing up for myself. What did you just say to me? That's not, this is the reality. We don't want just always regulated. That's not real life because if a tiger comes in, yeah, I need you to be dysregulated.

Starting point is 00:30:12 I need you to figure out what you're going to do. The work is catching it faster, choosing differently more often, putting the armor down on purpose because you know the person across me is not the actual threat your body thinks they are. This is the first to four, baby. Next week we're going to talk about flight, the one about disappearing into work, into distance, into the phone, into anywhere but the conversation is asking for you. So can that be avoidant? Sure.

Starting point is 00:30:37 Can it also be anxious? you betcha you betcha so we're going to talk about what it means to shut down what happens when you shut down or the person that you're with does and then how do you handle that and come back for next week baby we're going to find the next and the next and the next and I'm so fucking grateful for you guys don't forget to pre-order my book why am i like this if you guys really want to dive in deeper it is different than the podcast it has different stories it has modalities it is an actual framework and a rubric and as always at suprinazoa dot com backslash book you could type go down it says claim your freebies enter your receipt yes we're checking a

Starting point is 00:31:08 seats and you get your freebies until the book is out. Please order hard copy if you can so we get New York Times bestseller. But honestly, order anything. Like I said, I'm just grateful you guys are listening to it. If you need anything, everything's at Sabrina Zohar.com. Don't forget to rate and review this show. Share it with a friend. Leave us five stars if you think it's worth it on Spotify or Apple or wherever you're listening. And thank you. Thank you guys for being here. And thank you for creating a safe space with me. All right, friends, until next week. I love you guys.

The Sabrina Zohar Show - 212: Why You Can't Let Go (Even When You Know You Should)

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