The Sabrina Zohar Show - 217: How to Sit In The Discomfort

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Starting point is 00:01:08 Because honestly, certainty is to fantasy. There is no stage where you suddenly know that they're never going to leave or never going to disappoint you or never change their mind. That doesn't happen after three dates. It doesn't happen after you become exclusive. It doesn't happen when you get married. But what can happen is that you become someone who can tolerate uncertainty without abandoning yourself because that's exactly what anxiety makes us do.

Starting point is 00:01:27 We don't just feel anxious. We start chasing, overthinking, people pleasing, testing, controlling, over-explaining, checking our phones every five fucking seconds. The list goes on. And then we make decisions just to make the feelings stop. I genuinely wished that I had known that, that sitting in the discomfort, that our brain was trying so hard to solve a problem that it never really even needed to solve, that was going to run my relationship. Because you know what? I was the poster child of I cannot sit in any discomfort. I will never forget story time, dating a thing.

Starting point is 00:01:59 guy in college and I was so cuckoo-coo-over-o-c-choo over him. The sex was terrible, terrible, but I didn't know any better. He was like the second guy I'd ever been with. I was so bored with even just going out with him. Like, I remember I was trying to be a vegetarian and he wasn't. And I remember just eating vegetarian. I'm like, I don't even want to eat this. And every time we'd go on a date, it had nothing to actually do with him. I wanted to be chosen and picked. I was alone in this town. I was new. I knew him from high school. Okay, there was a familiarity. Even after, it was very clear it wasn't working. And I was so fucking anxious and on edge and couldn't sit still, I would take naps throughout the day. I would take naps as many times as I could

Starting point is 00:02:34 because I would literally be crying from panic because he didn't text me or I didn't hear from him or did we still have the date going on? Am I going out with him tonight? Right? And again, I'm just talking in gender norms as a woman. A lot of you guys write in saying, this is good for men, too. It's like, yeah, great. This is just my experience. So just to buyer beware. I remember just taking naps and then waking up and feeling like when I didn't see his text, that was it. I was like crying on the floor, hyperventilating. And then the minute he texts me, it was oxygen. I could come back and breathe. And now, after doing all of this work, and like, spoiler alert, we never end up pursuing anything. It was just not, and it was, as I started to date more, especially branching out with,

Starting point is 00:03:09 like, different types of men and different types of people, I really quickly then realized that there wasn't anything for us, that I wasn't that into this guy. And that it was really just the idea of him. He was like this, he was so sweet, don't get me wrong, but he was this really shy skater kid who, like, didn't really even know how to hold conversation, but everybody loved him because he was just the nice guy. I just really wanted a guy to like him. me. I had always felt like I was stuck in fiddle because sitting in the discomfort of what's going to happen, what's going on, I don't have any certainty was really, really overwhelming for me. And today, I think what's really fun is that we're going to be able to talk about the different

Starting point is 00:03:42 types of uncertainty. Are you sitting in the wrong discomfort or the right type of discomfort? Because those are two really different variables. Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar Show. I'm so excited to be here, my friends. We're going to make this quick and concise. Don't forget to rate, review the show, share it with a friend, leave a comment, pre-order my new book. Why am I like this? On Amazon, you get a free course at my website, supernozor.com, backslash book if you pre-order it. And if you guys need anything, you can work one-on-one, ask a question, join a course. Everything's at my website. So I just like to share what it is. So when we talk about the discomfort, and I think this is not just about if you're dating only.

Starting point is 00:04:19 This is also when you get into a relationship. I cannot tell you how many times, even for instance, I'll give you guys an example. Yesterday, we realized that somebody that we work with, was doing something that was not working for us. And I started to get more increasingly more anxious. I needed to talk about it more. I was going over it in my head. I was trying to problem solve because I could literally feel my brain saying we need to close the loop. I need an answer because if I have an answer, what does that mean? One, I won't be blindsided. If I know what's coming, then it's not that scary. I can prep. I can plan all things I couldn't do when I was a kid because I was constantly hypervigilant reading my dad's facial expressions and my mom and my sister and my brother. Are they going to

Starting point is 00:04:56 leave me as a person, right, having all these different experiences. Now, the irony is, that worked out in my adult life a little bit, or when I'm with clients and I can read their facial expressions or when I'm helping people out in the wild, I'm like, oh, okay, I see what's going on. But there has to be boundaries with that. Instead of solving the problem in that moment, I allowed myself to say, I don't have an answer right now. And I literally sat in that and I said, I don't have an answer right now. And it's interesting because I started feeling part of me that was coming up was the part of me that started my clothing company software, which has now closed, right? Like, I'm okay to admit that something didn't work out. That doesn't make me a failure. That just means that that wasn't my path,

Starting point is 00:05:34 and now I'm getting to try a new one. Same in dating, right? I use my business a lot of the times, because imagine if I saw software as the end-all be-all. If I don't have that, I'm nobody. Does that familiar? If I can't have them, then no one's going to want me. I'll be single forever. Oh, I can't leave. But instead, I let that go after I got sound home from Shark Tank, after I realized it wasn't going anywhere. I let that go. And then I started all this. And so if I I had held on to what wasn't for me, I would never have stepped into what was for me. I started feeling those, the parts of me was actually me when I started the software. And I had a visual. It was like, I'm going to give you this as a tool before tool of the week has even come, which comes at

Starting point is 00:06:09 the end of the episode, where it was like a fire pit. And I saw the little, literally sitting around me. And I saw the one that started software and was with my ex and was, which is the story in the book that you guys are going to love. And I had to look at her and I said, baby, it doesn't work out. out. It doesn't work out. And she was crying and I had to hold that. I got to hold that. I saw the different versions of me of, yeah, you work really fucking hard. And it still doesn't work. And I had to just be okay with that. Because that was all I had been fighting for was like, I need to know I will be okay. And then at the end of the day, what I realized was no matter what, I'm going to be okay because I have me. Because I know how to go back and support me. I know how to be there for myself. So if you

Starting point is 00:06:50 can't fucking show up for me, that's okay because I can fucking show up for myself. And if I'm so beholden to waiting for other people to come save me, then I've already abandoned myself waiting for someone else that's never going to fucking show. So, let's start even going into, why do we do this? Because your brain would rather have a bad answer than no answer. We have to remember, our brain is not designed to help us grow.

Starting point is 00:07:10 It's designed to keep us safe. And so if it's designed to keep us safe, then what does that mean? Your brain's going to hate uncertainty. Why does it hate uncertainty? Because it can't keep you safe. It has unanswered questions. That's why we're trying so hard to close the loop.

Starting point is 00:07:21 It doesn't actually care if the answer is accurate. It just wants an answer. that's why someone taking longer to text back turns into their losing interest, right? When someone says a short message back, even if it's just like, cool, sounds good, all of a sudden, it's like, I said something wrong. If this person didn't ask you out this week and suddenly you've planned the breakup, you've imagined them with someone else, you've decided you're going to die alone. But nothing actually happened. But what happened was your brain replaced the uncertainty with a story. Because certainty, even if it's painful, feel safer than a maybe.

Starting point is 00:07:49 And I would do that all the fucking time. If a guy didn't answer me, it was it. I was like, oh, see, that's it. They don't like me. They're not into me. I even had that in a personal experience, a career thing. I saw my friend get them. She booked the show, but I didn't hear back.

Starting point is 00:08:00 And I automatically went in because I'm like, because they don't like me because of this. They don't like me because of this. All of the insecurities and fears came back. And then my PR company, me, and they were like, hey, don't worry. We're talking to them next week and we're going to solidify this. And then you almost are embarrassed because you're like, he-he-leaps. And I see this happen all the time, especially in dating in relationships, but especially in dating.

Starting point is 00:08:18 The person doesn't call you. You've automatically assumed that's because they don't like me. That's called black and white thinking. It's either I'm good, they're bad, or I'm bad, they're good. Because if your brain can have an answer, even if it's not a good one, it will say, well, that's why they didn't answer. It's because they don't like me. So I might as well mourn this. Get over it now because then I won't be blindsided.

Starting point is 00:08:36 But at the end of the day, you're cutting off relationships before they even have time to grow because let me tell you, baby, someone else can pick up on that fucking energy. Because it's an insecurity. That's being insecure because there's two different kinds of discomfort. Are you tolerating the wrong kind of discomfort or are you leaning into the right type? Are you walking on eggshells, scared of saying anything? You're terrified of bringing something up. You don't want to have the conversations. That's the wrong type of discomfort versus saying no, setting a boundary, telling somebody that you don't fucking like what they're doing.

Starting point is 00:09:05 That's sitting in the right type of discomfort because one of them is a self-abandonment. The other one is you're expanding your capacity. You get to choose how you're going to decide and how you're going to fucking respond to these things. So it's always, duh. I love my research. There was a research done in UCLA. So it was this rock test and what they did, which I thought this was really interesting. So they put a buzzer under each rock, like that would shock you.

Starting point is 00:09:25 And they had it to where people would lift the rock and they didn't know if it was a 50, 50% chance, right? The people that didn't know if they were going to get shocked or not had a 50% higher chance of stress than the people that knew that they were about to get shocked. The not knowing was the most stressful part of it. It wasn't the actual shock. The actual shock was nothing. But it was the uncertainty. because for a lot of us, what happened an uncertainty? What happened?

Starting point is 00:09:53 When I was a kid and my dad would leave and I don't know if he's ever coming back for us, that means that I might die. That means that there's no caregiver there for me. That means that I'm left alone and I'm abandoned. We have to remember, right? With anxious attaches, how do you regulate? You regulate when someone comes back for you. You regulate by reconnecting with somebody because you're told, okay, I'm okay.

Starting point is 00:10:12 I want you to challenge this because anticipatory anxiety is always worse than the actual. I want you to look and say, most of the time, It already happened, but it just didn't happen in reality. It happened in your fucking head because we start to create these narratives and stories and we are hell bent. I even watched my mom do that. She, it's kind of wild. She texted my brother something and he needed an answer. She went into full panic mode.

Starting point is 00:10:34 And then he texted her back the next day and he was like, sorry, I didn't see this. And all of a sudden she was a different person. And she even realized she was like, this isn't okay. Like, I can't be doing this. And I was like, no, you're right. You can't. Because what ends up happening is you're creating a catastrophe and then you're prepping and prepping. But then it doesn't even fucking happen.

Starting point is 00:10:50 Or then it does and you're like, see, knew it. The red flags you ignore in the beginning of a relationship are ultimately what's going to end it. If you're looking and saying, see, I knew it. That person was going to disappoint me. Baby, that's called a confirmation bias because there's probably a part of you that already knew that they didn't have the capacity of the bandwidth. You kept going anyways and you fucking proved yourself right because at the end of the day, your brain would rather be right than sit in any kind of uncertainty or discomfort inclusive of ending it with people that are not fucking right for you. So I want to talk about that.

Starting point is 00:11:16 You're tolerating the wrong kind of discomfort. And that's where a lot of people get stuck. Dating is uncomfortable. Healing is uncomfortable. Relationships are uncomfortable. The question isn't whether you're uncomfortable. It's wish discomfort or you tolerating. And that's the reality. The wrong discomfort, like I said, walking on X shows, wondering where you stand, chasing inconsistency or consistency, ignoring your needs, accepting breadcrumbs, constant anxiety, overthinking, every motherfucking interaction. That discomfort doesn't help you grow. That self-abandonment. because again, for my anxious folks, you're all so avoiding. And my avoiding folks, you're all so anxious. My anxious folk avoid dealing with the deeper root. That's the discomfort. Because if I'm

Starting point is 00:11:54 uncomfortable, no, no, you just tell me it's okay. Right. I've even said that to you guys about like one big thing that we see with anxious attaches is that when they're uncomfortable, everything around them needs to change. That's the self-abendament. No, I don't like the way you speak. I don't like how fast you talk. I don't like the way you curse. So you need to change how you show up so that I'm more comfortable. Instead of going, can I challenge this? Can I sit in the discomfort? Maybe this person saying something that actually triggers something within me and I should be uncomfortable because it's a light bulb. And that's where we go into the right kind of discomfort asking for what you need. Hearing an answer, you might not fucking like saying no to someone, letting someone leave,

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Starting point is 00:13:37 A lot of you guys think it's crazy when I say things like, you know, if me and Ryan break up tomorrow, that I'd be okay. And you're like, what? But that's supposed to be the love of your life, but you're supposed to be with them. What makes a relationship healthy is knowing that you're choosing each other every day, but that there's a day that could come where you don't. What makes a relationship healthy is that you're acknowledging and going, I might love this person, but they don't have the capacity, the bandwidth, the tools, the communication that I need. And I'm not willing to self-abandon any further in order to get it. Part of being in a healthy and secure relationship is speaking up and having the hard fucking conversations and being okay with what comes on the other side. So if you have been taught that healthy and secure means an absence of conflict, then you have been lied to. It's the presence of connection and a choice you make every fucking day.

Starting point is 00:14:18 You got to remember, too, your brain is constantly moving the finish line. And so we're going to go through different stages of dating. You think if it just becomes exclusive, then you'll relax. Then it moves to, well, when they say, I love you. Then it moves to when they move in. Then it moves to when we get married. Then it moves to when we have kids. Then you start to look and say, but are we still happy?

Starting point is 00:14:37 Your anxiety is constantly negotiating with you, the next milestone. But every milestone creates another uncertainty because certainty was never waiting there. If you think getting into the relationship is suddenly going to make you not anxious, you're fucking kidding yourself. Because the certainty is not what's making you feel like you're anxious. What's actually happening is that you can't sit in the discomfort and you're hoping that them telling you that they choose you is what's going to make you feel safe. You know what will make you feel safe? Growing your capacity, being able to sit in uncomfortable things, speaking up and having a fucking voice, and actually vetting if this person is right for you.

Starting point is 00:15:09 But getting into the relationship, that doesn't just make this all go away, right? I get it. When I first met Ryan, we fucked on the first date. Of course I went home going, I don't know if I'm ever going to see this guy again. But I was like, that's okay because I made a choice for myself. And if I see him, great.

Starting point is 00:15:22 And if I don't, my life goes on. That's the reality of this work is because I, I've done, my crystal ball is in the shop, I couldn't tell you that three and a half years ago he was going to choose me like this. I've had plenty of circumstances where they don't. I've had plenty of scenarios where you're like, you think this is amazing.

Starting point is 00:15:36 and then they end it with you two days later. Because at the end of the day, if your capacity is so limited that any single thing inconveniencing you in the day is going to set you off, well, then, baby, I don't know if you have the capacity for that healthy and secure relationship that you want so bad. And I don't say that to be a dickhead. I say that out of love. I say that out of being honest because relationships are uncertain. You don't know from day to day what's going to happen. Sometimes I wake up and you're like, hey, is this the end? Have I outgrown this?

Starting point is 00:16:00 Because also being in the discomfort is you're growing. You guys will ask me all the time, what if we take a problem? What if we take a break and then we come back together? Do they always come back? Well, here's the reality. Even if they fucking do, are you still the same person? It doesn't matter whether this person comes back or not. How much growth have you had?

Starting point is 00:16:16 Because the reality is you sitting in the discomfort, them leaving and you growing could make it that when they come back, you no longer fucking want them. And that's the reality that you get to face because you get to make a choice. But that's why, you know, because I was, I was her. I used to think I'll never forget. I've told you about the nice guy. That's why I actually did the episode of breaking up with green flags of it's hard to break up with someone. And if you guys want to go listen to that, go back. I think it's from like 197. But it's really, really difficult when you see somebody that's amazing and then you break up with them because the reason

Starting point is 00:16:42 I got into the whole situation was because I didn't want to sit in the discomfort. I didn't want to be uncomfortable and go, okay, well, but if this one doesn't work out, what comes next? And it's the same as even in a relationship. I get it, right? There are times you're like, I wonder, is there someone out there better for me? Is this enough for me? Am I satisfied? Are my needs met? Right? That's a very normal human experience. But that doesn't just go away because now all of a there's a body in the room because I had the boyfriend. I had the guy. I had the total smoke show and I was still fucking alone. I was miserable. I was sad. I wasn't fulfilled because it wasn't just about having someone there. It was about having the right person there. But I grew up knowing that if

Starting point is 00:17:16 someone comes back and saves me, I'm safe. But you know what? It was never about who was walking into the room. It was about who left me in that room to begin with. That was my father. And when he didn't come back, it doesn't matter. That's why no man, no woman, no person coming back and saving you is ever going to change that because it's not the person that created this wound to begin with. You're not a child anymore. You don't have to live like that. You get to be an adult now, but that also means that you have to face the reality that you get to grieve and mourn the relationship and the childhood that you never got to fucking have. And I know you're going to probably hate me for saying this, but control isn't making you safer. It's not. When anxiety shows up, most of us don't realize

Starting point is 00:17:53 we're trying to regulate through control. You're checking if they watched your story. You're reading into the punctuation. You're asking five friends what that text meant. You're Googling. You're watching dating videos until two in the morning that are probably mine. You're pulling away for us because you're like, uh-uh, I'm going to test them. I'm in a show. Or you're over-explanning and sending them 100 fucking text. That's not a dating strategy, right? What is that doing? You're managing your anxiety. They work for about 15 minutes and then your brain finds something new to worry about. That's why I'm saying it's not just about the circumstance in front of you. It's what we're willing to do with that. I look at this now. I'll give you an example. I have no idea what's

Starting point is 00:18:27 going to happen in my business. No idea. Two years ago, I had one of the biggest podcasts. I had more brand deals than I knew it to do with. I was making more money than I even knew how to save. And then now two years later, it's a completely different structure. Everything has changed, the algorithms, the podcasting, the world, everything has changed. I have no idea. Do I want control more than anything? But what I'm learning now is I'm waking up going, I feel okay. And people say, oh, did anything change? No, it didn't actually. The external didn't change. But in internally I'm okay because I've made it through every hard fucking day. You have made it through every single hard day you have ever had. So you want to fucking sit here and tell me that you can't handle this,

Starting point is 00:19:06 that you can't handle somebody not fucking texting you. Baby, it's not about them anymore. This is about how much capacity you have for not knowing what's going to happen and being fucking okay with that. Because at the end of the day, you have you. And I would so much rather have me than any of these schmows that have walked out and shown me that I can't fucking trust them. I want to talk about a study on rejection. being rejected literally activates the same neural networks involved in the unpleasant experience of physical pain. So no wonder you're trying to avoid it. But here's the catch. You cannot control someone enough to guarantee that they won't hurt you.

Starting point is 00:19:36 You can't. And I know that that's, you guys will ask me all the time. Like, how do I make sure that this person's not this in the beginning? And it's like, nah, what I hear from that is you don't trust yourself. You can't make sure. I've had so many guys where I'm like, damn, okay, like I've told you about the guy, the conventionally handsome one that I saw on TikTok. Yeah, yeah, couldn't control that one. Didn't see that one coming, but I remember my best friend and I saying, but could this be it?

Starting point is 00:19:57 Are we, are getting me played? But you know what? It didn't matter any of that. I was in the experience and I was in the moment, but I knew that no matter what, I could trust myself. Because up to that point, I always had. The only certainty you can build is trusting yourself enough to handle it even if they do disappoint you. Because people are going to. My own friends and family disappoint me.

Starting point is 00:20:14 Colleagues disappoint me and people on the internet disappoint me. It's always. And if you can't handle disappointment, then I think we need to work on your capacity more than anything else. That's also why I've created courses. If you guys ever fucking need anything, that's why we have the Healthy Dating Foundation course, is to help you expand your capacity to really understand what it is that you want to need. That's why I wrote a fucking book. Literally, I wrote a book on patterns so that you guys can start to get down to it. But if you expect every relationship to be like Amazon where it's quick, it's fast, it's at your door. And if you don't like it, you can just send it back and move on, then that's why you're going to be gravely disappointed. Life is not like that. You don't just get to, like, wave your magic wand, and there they are. You got to fucking sift through it. There are people that go their entire lives focusing on the wrong. people because they're not actually understanding that you get the wrong people because of the way that you show up to. This morning on threads, I saw a girl and she wrote, this is the order of operations. First, you date the avoidant. Then you date the narcissist. Then you date the magical creature. And then you find your soulmate and husband. And I chuckled. And I said, you're fucking kidding yourself.

Starting point is 00:21:10 I said, no, you're going to get stuck at the loop of dating the avoidant and the narcissist over and over and over again. Because what you don't realize is the reason that you keep attracting these people is because also what you're showing up as in what you're allowing. I know it because I used to do it. I was scared of showing up because sitting in any kind of discomfort meant I'm not safe. I'm going to die. Maybe challenge that. Maybe sit with that for a minute of, all right, what's the worst that can happen? I'll do that. I'm like, I lose everything. You're like, okay, okay, you lose everything. How close to losing everything are you? And you're like, oh, no, I've got a year of runway. Okay, so you're not that close, right? How close am I to my relationship ending tomorrow?

Starting point is 00:21:43 Okay, maybe I am close. Well, then that means that maybe it should end. Because if you're so concerned on holding on to people that you're not actually in connection. You are just in, please don't leave me. You're in attachment. Connecting with somebody is saying, I choose you. Attaching to someone is, I need you. Those are two very different energies. One is really fucking sexy. The other one is heavy and a burden to handle. So you can't be shocked when people are constantly saying, I can't do that for you because you need to choose yourself. Hear that? It's your money calling. It wants a promotion. Elevate your savings with the Scotia high-interest savings account.

Starting point is 00:22:19 Always earn high regular interest rates that grow the more you save and invest. Conditions apply. Visit scotiabank.com slash h-I-SA to learn more. Scotia Bank. You're richer than you think. And so it's about being comfortable with the uncertainty, but that's not the same as settling. And I think that's probably one of the biggest misconceptions I see.

Starting point is 00:22:42 Well, what am I supposed to just tolerate uncertainty? Yeah. Yeah, you are. but not inconsistency. Those are very different. Uncertainty is, I don't know what's going to happen. I like this person. We're going on on dates. They seem really lovely, but I don't know if this is going to progress anywhere. Versus they don't call. I don't know. I always have to text them first.

Starting point is 00:23:00 And why aren't they responding? And I feel like I'm overperforming. And why do I have to get their attention? Those are two different kinds of uncertainty. One is life is happening. Life is going on. Right, if you were to have a baby tomorrow, what? You're going to tell me that you can't sit in the discomfort. It's going to be a really hard fucking journey. It's going to be a really hard journey because it's a lot of

Starting point is 00:23:16 known, you don't know what's going to happen, but you bought the ticket, ride the ride. I want you to start to ask yourself, am I uncertain about the future or am I uncertain about how they feel about you today? Right? If they were consistent and available and communicative and showing up and you're still anxious, right, that's probably your nervous system learning something new because it's like, whoa, I've never received healthy. This feels really foreign. I'm not really sure how to handle this. This is overwhelming, right? That's totally fair. But if you're anxious because they're hot and cold and they're disappearing and they're inconsistent and they're making you question your worth, that's not the healthy uncertainty.

Starting point is 00:23:46 That's information for us to go and say, huh, maybe this isn't right for me. Because I can't even fucking understand how they feel about me today, let alone am I going to understand how we can build a future? Versus they're really lovely, everything's great, I just don't know what's going to happen. That's okay. Neither do I. I'll be honest with you. I don't know what the fuck's going to happen. And that's why I'm saying any of these grifters on the internet, all of these fucking gurus and coaches that teach you how you get rid of all of this stuff, you do realize they're going on your vulnerability, right?

Starting point is 00:24:12 they're trying to capitalize on the fact that you're looking for someone else to give you the answer. And I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do it for you. We're in this together, my baby. So let's go for tool of the week. Evidence versus the story. When your brain starts spiraling, I want you to do a couple of things. Maybe ideally if you could grab a pen and paper so that you could start to write it down, it activates the reticulating, the RAS. Ritculating system? Right. Particular activating system? I'm good, but I'm not that good. but it starts to activate a different part of your brain that you can start to process differently versus if you're on your phone and you're typing, it might not be the same, but I'll take what I can get. So the first thing I want you to do is even just stop and connect with your body.

Starting point is 00:24:49 I don't want to get you first into your head of like start doing all of this because that's intellectualizing. I want you to also connect it back to how you feel. And so maybe it's looking and saying evidence and story, right? I want you to split the note in half and you have evidence on one side and you have story on the other. So maybe the evidence is they haven't text in six hours. And then you put the story, they're losing interest. And then I want you to say, now, where do I feel that on my body? How old do I feel?

Starting point is 00:25:13 Again, what I talk about in the book all the fucking time. So get this book. I'm telling you it's going to change your life. And I'm not just biously saying that. It's fucking amazing. Because then if you're like, oh, yeah, wow, I am creating an entire narrative. I don't actually have any facts to back that up. How old do I feel?

Starting point is 00:25:25 I feel like a kid. Okay, so this has nothing to do with them. Okay, great. Maybe the evidence says they canceled because they were sick. And the story that you create is they're trying to slowly ghost me. Or do I feel that? This reminds me of in high school when this boy did that. Okay, so it's not actually about them, right? You start to see the pattern here. Then I want you to ask yourself this one question. Can I tolerate not knowing until tomorrow? This is not forever. I'm talking today. Like I did yesterday when I was like, ooh, I'm nervous. I'm anxious. And I said, you know what, Sab? I closed the loop myself. I said, you don't need to have this figured out right now. You and Ryan are going to figure this out in the morning. That's the muscle we're trying to build. I used to not be able to sit in that at all. I genuinely believed I was going to turn to fucking stone if I didn't have that, right? And I want to leave off with secure people aren't secure because they have certainty. They're secure because they have capacity.

Starting point is 00:26:05 They have the capacity to hear no. They have the capacity to wait. They have the capacity to feel anxious without chasing. They have the capacity to let someone in without abandoning themselves. The healthiest relationships you'll ever have isn't the one without discomfort. It's the one where discomfort no longer makes you feel like you have to betray yourself. Because once you stop spending your entire fucking life trying to eliminate uncertainty, you finally have the energy to actually experience the relationship you're in.

Starting point is 00:26:28 What a beautiful place. What a beautiful place to be. I don't want you tolerating mixed signals and inconsistency. and eggshells, no, baby. Because then all of a sudden you're like, oh, I can handle that. But asking for what I need is too uncomfortable. It's like, that's too uncomfortable. Saying no is too uncomfortable.

Starting point is 00:26:43 Letting someone leave is too uncomfortable. One of those discomforts is teaching you to abandon yourself. The other one is teaching you how to trust yourself. You're going to spend years, years trying to fucking figure that out. You don't need to shrink to make other people choose you. Because if you can't be in a relationship where that person chooses you in the same way that you choose them, then you know what? Your discomfort's going to be real long.

Starting point is 00:27:03 If you're considering staying or going with someone, do you want to be uncomfortable for a few weeks to a month while you figure this out? Or do you want to be uncomfortable for the rest of your life? What's going to be what's going to last longer? Which one's the most uncomfortable? It's okay. You're allowed to be uncomfortable right now. Maybe we haven't taught people that enough. That's all right.

Starting point is 00:27:20 Oh, yeah, I don't have an answer. That's okay. A lot of people don't. You're not alone. But that doesn't mean that you have to attack yourself or be the cause and then now do everything in your control to try to get it back. You're also allowed to grow through it. And I think that's the really big lesson here is be with you. Allow this stuff to come up because you fucking got this.

Starting point is 00:27:38 You always have and you always will because we're in this together. You've made it through every hard day, baby. So this isn't going to be what ends you. Friends, this is really fun. I really enjoyed this episode. Thank you for being here. Thank you for let me lay up with you for the last bit. Don't forget if you want to work one-on-one, ask a question, join a course.

Starting point is 00:27:53 Everything is at Sabrina Zohar.com. Please don't forget to review the show and share it with your friend. It means the world. Leave a comment. Even if it's just a heart, it helps us to grow when Daddy Algo looks. And don't forget to pre-order my book. Why am I like this? It's out October 13th. You do not get charged until the book ship, so don't worry. And you go to my website, SabrinazoHard.com, backslash book. Go down. It says claim your freebies. You upload your receipt. And then you get your bonuses. So please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, I love you. Thank you for being here. Ah, it feels great to be back with my community in a way that feels really. I'm grateful if you order anything. Please don't get me wrong. But if you guys are asking how we make the list, that's how. Babies, I love you. Thank you for being here. Ah, it feels great to be back with my community in a way that feels really fucking right to me. So thank you for allowing me to sit in some discomfort and come out on the other side. All right, my friends, until next time, I love you, babes.

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The Sabrina Zohar Show - 217: How to Sit In The Discomfort

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