The Sabrina Zohar Show - 219: Dating Someone Who Won't Choose You

Starting point is 00:00:00 Two great dates. Talked about a third. But then that person updated their hinge profile, communication dropped off. Now what should you do? I mean, here's a harsh reality that I think we need to start to face. What are your options? What you could do is accept that dating isn't linear. Everybody is going to operate in different ways. You're going to have some people that are going to be super gung-ho after the second date, plan the third, and get super, super stoked. And then you're going to have other people that are still out there dating. I know it's hard to not take things personally, especially when you start to see patterns, which is, you literally the book I wrote on how to start breaking patterns. But we do also need to understand and say dating in a weird way is a numbers game, right? It's that you're going to go on bad date after bad date. I'm experiencing that with my therapist. I have had probably 15 consultations, 15 first sessions with therapists. And I usually get the like, hey, you know, this isn't personal. I just, I don't think I can help you. Or my skill set isn't where it needs to be in order to facilitate or I do this and you're not going to like that. You like this modality. If I took every single one of those things personally, then it would be really, really tough for me to keep showing up for

Starting point is 00:01:03 myself. And instead, you have to look at it as, okay, this person showed you very early on that maybe you are not a priority for them, that maybe you didn't jive in the way that you were hoping you were going to jive with them. What you could do is have self-respect and choose if you even want to give this person more of your fucking time or if you're going to say, no thanks, right? But I think there's also the other side of the coin. When we started 100, like Mama Zohar always says, when you started 100, where else are you going to go, which is why going slow is so fucking important. When someone comes in with intensity and you're texting all the time and it's this and the phone calls and the plans and all of this future shit and then you have one or two dates and you start to see it drop

Starting point is 00:01:40 off, what happens is you're no longer a fantasy. You are now a real person. You're no longer a reward loop. You are now something that they have a full picture on and so there's nothing for them to fill in the blanks of excitement with. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, but this is why we got to slow it the fuck down, baby. And I'm not saying that because I'm Pollyanna. But I am saying that you had two dates with this person. Great. They said they want a third. You said you want a third.

Starting point is 00:02:03 They updated their hinge profile. They're allowed to. They're still single. You guys are not in a relationship. They don't know you well enough to make that kind of commitment. And what you could do is live your life. You go out and date. You go out and do your thing.

Starting point is 00:02:14 If they contact you and it works out for your schedule, cool. And if not, and that's not the energy that you want someone to bring into the dynamic, then great. You don't have to keep fucking with this person. You do get a choice. Now, we might not like that. but you absolutely get to decide if this is somebody that gets more of your time. But one thing I see probably more often than I'd like to admit is this immediacy.

Starting point is 00:02:35 Dating has become an Amazon subscription. If it's not at my door in the way that I want it, then I don't want to deal with it. It's not quick enough and I need to have complete certainty, otherwise send it back. But the reality is that healthy and secure relationships are earned. They're built over time. They're not just coming from intensity. It's not because you had one or two great dates or you guys laugh really well together. It's by creating a safe space that both of you feel connected in the same way and both of you

Starting point is 00:02:59 are choosing each other every fucking day. So what does that mean? That means it's going to take a minute for this to grow. And I'm seeing this adversion to any kind of discomfort, right? Okay, you saw them on hinge. Great. You were on there. You saw them.

Starting point is 00:03:12 You saw that they updated their profile because you were also on the app. And that's okay. I don't think anyone is right or wrong. But there is that reality that people date in different ways. I would have broken up with my boyfriend if I'd listen to the clickbid on the internet. If they don't text you every single day, drop them. Well, my partner doesn't like texting. So imagine if I had just cut him off because of that,

Starting point is 00:03:31 I wouldn't have allowed someone to show up in a different way, which actually would have worked better for me in the long run because now we live together. So who gives a fuck if he doesn't text me good morning? I'll fucking see him. What other issues do you have? So we're choosing violence today on this episode. And hello, hello, hello.

Starting point is 00:03:47 Welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar Show. We are diving right on into it, my babes. it, pre-order my book. It's called Why Am I Like This? It's going to help you stop to break your patterns and get the relationship that you deserve. I'm excited, my friends. I love in the trenches. And today I'm so excited. We have our first voice note that you guys, write into the episode, ask a question, get advice, everything. You can email in the trenches at Sabrinazohar.com or you can leave a voice note at Sabrinazohar.com backslash podcast. I'm so fucking excited. Oh, and guys, don't forget, rate and review the show. Share it with your friend. Leave a comment. We got to grow this baby back up and get this community. roaring. I'm so fucking excited because when this book comes out, it's going to just be, it's going to be a different dynamic. I'm so excited. All right. Shall we get into a question? So I really thought everything today is really about chosen or choosing yourself. Something that I think most of us struggle with. I did. I struggled for a long time choosing myself. I still do. I still do. Do you want full transparency? I still struggle to choose myself. I still look at analytics over what is it that I want to record. I still look at, oh, but they're going to get

Starting point is 00:04:50 bored with me and they're going to turn this episode off. So let me say this instead of that. I'm hoping other people choose me instead of choosing myself and saying, well, I don't want to talk about that or I don't want to do it that way. That doesn't work with me. And if we correlate that into dating, into your relationship, if I wasn't choosing myself, I wouldn't have the relationship I have, which is radical honesty and transparency, hard conversations that sometimes you look and you're like, is this it? No, all right, we're going to keep going. But I know that If I don't speak up, then what I may doing, I'm losing myself trying to hold on to someone else. It's way too expensive of a cost for you to say, I'm going to water myself down hoping that the other person likes what they see.

Starting point is 00:05:29 I don't go fuck what they fucking think. I care about what you think. So, let's get into a question. Hi, Sabrina. Hi, babes. I've been having a really hard time with a situation and I wanted to share it because I think it speaks to a pattern. I'm still learning to break. Great. Don't forget to order why am I like this. I'm going to plug it. You're going to have to fucking get used to it. We're going to get New York Time bestseller. Please order a hard copy. by the way. You got to get hardcover for me to make the New York Times bestselling list, and then you get your free course and workbook at Sabrina's over.com backslash book. Don't forget. Shameless plug. Here we go. I followed your content for a while and it's helped me see my attachment more clearly, so I'd love your insight for you to share the story in the podcast if it resonates. I had a gym crush for a long time. Oh, been there, baby. Oh, God, my gold days.

Starting point is 00:06:08 We're going to get back into story time. I can't wait. I will tell you the story after this. He worked there and we'd always make eye contact, but I didn't act on it because I assumed he flirted with everyone. He kept trying to get my attention for about six weeks. Small talk, little moments, until I finally let my guard down. We started texting, hanging out, and quickly became close. He told me he was 29 and later shared that he had two kids. I was 25 at the time and didn't mind. I accepted him, kids and all, we talked and saw each other every day. About a month later, he suddenly grew distant. My anxious side kicked in and when I reached out to understand what was going on, he ghosted me. I was heartbroken. Eventually I found out he was actually 31 and

Starting point is 00:06:40 married. That discovery broke me. To cope, I went in a dating app and met someone else. I have a lot of questions here. The 29 to 31, that part doesn't bother me as much as the married thing. But here's my thing. You guys talked and saw each other every day at a very confined place, which is the gym. That's the thing. This person wasn't taking you out on dates. He wasn't having FaceTime and phone calls with you at different hours, right?

Starting point is 00:07:03 Like, he was fitting you into his fantasy because that was the fun part. And I get it. You're gutted. You're devastated and all of those things. Baby, I'm here for you. But we also have to look at this objectively. So that's all I'm going to say. A couple of weeks later, he came back apologizing and saying he was going through family issues.

Starting point is 00:07:17 I told him I was seeing someone new and he was understanding. Months later, after that new relationship end, I reached out to him again out of comfort, but he rejected me. Y'all, we're starting to get into a really unhealthy dynamic here, my baby. Then on my birthday, he apologized for his reaction, saying he was hurt that I moved on quickly and felt like a rebound. He has a wife. Did we forget? He has a fucking wife. Did we forget that variable? I'm sorry, he was upset. I'm so sorry he was upset that you moved on. How dare you be single and go move on with your life? Good Lord.

Starting point is 00:07:47 We talked about closure, so I thought and went our separate ways. But every few months, he would come back, checking in, apologizing, saying he missed me that he could see himself with someone like me. He's married. Sorry, I just, in case you guys keep forgetting. Every time I tried to believe him, every time he'd say he wanted to show me with actions, not words, but his actions never really changed. Over the course of a year and a half, we only went on one actual date. That's not a date, by the way. He's married.

Starting point is 00:08:08 So you guys went out. You're the other woman. And I'm sorry. I know you might be like, Sabrina, we get it. it. I'm just clarifying some aspects here of this letter because the answer is in the question before you've asked it. Eventually, it finally felt we were finally choosing each other. Sorry. Sorry, what? We were communicating, talking about his lies. His divorce. Oh, no, now he's getting divorce. Perfect. Great. Because you can trust this person so much. His kids, and I thought we were

Starting point is 00:08:33 moving forward. But as work stress picked up for him, he started to withdraw again. He stopped prioritizing me. The communication faded and he ghosted me once more. I'm at a point where I'm trying to fully accept it for what it is, not because I want to hate him, but because I know this isn't love that feel safer, consistent. I'm proud of you, my baby. I don't like burning bridges or holding grudges, but I'm realizing that forgiveness doesn't always mean reconnection. I'm really sad, but I think this is where I finally close the door.

Starting point is 00:08:56 People like you, Sabrina, inspire me to keep growing. I'm proud of you to be the best version of myself, to accept the love for I am and understand that healing and self-worth go hand in hand. I'm currently pursuing my master's degree as an LMFT. Yay! And voices like yours are the biggest part of what pushed me to help others. If you read this on the podcast, I'd love for you to talk about why we hold on to someone who keeps reappearing but never fully shows up and how to stop romanticizing what could have been. Thank you for everything you do.

Starting point is 00:09:18 Your words help people like me feel less alone and warmly. Okay. Here's a thing. I think you know why. I think you know why we keep obsessing over this because it is a fantasy. There is your, what happens is when your brain sees something that it goes, ooh, I really want that. And then there's inconsistency. It creates novelty.

Starting point is 00:09:35 When we have novelty, right, do you want the sweater everybody else has? Or do you look at, think a Labubu. It's a great example. Those little creepy-ass dolls, I'm sorry, they were. But little Labibos, everybody wanted one because you couldn't have it. And then what happened? This I literally just read about the story. They then mass produced.

Starting point is 00:09:51 Nobody wanted one and they lost billions of dollars in their valuation. Because when something is everyone can have it, it's less valuable. So this person, you guys connected. Oh my God, it's the fantasy. We were making eyes at the gym and all that. I had that. I had a guy at the gym. He was a total smoke show.

Starting point is 00:10:06 One day I finally grew the balls and the courage to like, go up and say something and he was super flirty with me. And I remember I was like, he's so fucking hot. And then we started texting each other. But he was never committing to me. It was always he would see me at the gym and make this like obscene aggressive way to try to get my attention. And I kept, I was filling in the blanks, right? But we laughed so well together and he's so hot and he has a cool job and all of these things. And then I found out he had a fucking girlfriend, a girlfriend he lived with and traveled with that he neglected to tell me about. And so then when I finally called him out on it. Needless to say, he never even fucking spoke to me. He, like, would see me

Starting point is 00:10:41 and ignore me when he walked because I knew what he was doing. Now, I'm saying that because I understand what you're going through. Because think about it. I had 10 minutes with him, 20 minutes, 30 minutes at the gym, and I go home and I get to fill in all of these blanks and create this whole narrative. And as I'm sharing the story, my God, I'm starting to remember all of these dudes at the gym that I would just waste my time with that were either traveling or new or this or unavailable because it's fun. It's sexy for us to have hope to hope. Think about it. If a slot machine, if you won every single time that you played at a slot machine, you probably wouldn't go back as often because it's predictable. If you never won, you wouldn't go back because you would constantly lose money and go, okay, but there's no point.

Starting point is 00:11:20 What keeps you is that you sometimes win. You sometimes get it. You sometimes have this person, but you don't consistently know when it's going to happen. That's why you're so obsessed with this person. You're not obsessed with this person because they're so special and magical. You're obsessed with them because of the narrative and story that you have created to fill in the blanks. Hope is a dopamine reward loop. And you are now looping on the hope that they're going to choose you at the end of the day, baby. You are just self-abandoning hoping someone else is going to see you in the way that I need you to see yourself. And my baby, I will say this.

Starting point is 00:11:47 Asking why? What do I talk about in the book all the fucking time? And I say this on the show. Asking why is intellectualizing. I think you know why. Because it's fun. It's sexy. It's fantasy.

Starting point is 00:11:56 It's something that keeps you hooked on what could happen. But I don't know if why is the question. I think what does it say about how I see myself that I am going after a fantasy and not how someone is actually showing up for me? What does that say about how much I love myself? You know, Dr. Russ Kennedy, you know, I love him. One question that changed everything for me was, what would someone who loves themselves do? Someone who loves themselves would never put up with this bullshit. They would never accept breadcrumbs and low effort.

Starting point is 00:12:22 Someone who loves themselves would stand up for themselves, would speak up when something bothers them. Someone who loves themselves isn't going to put up with the low effort bullshit that most of these fucking people are giving you. So let's get into a rapid fight. I have realized, too, if you guys miss me on TikTok, I go on TikTok live all the time. And I love a rapid fire. You guys will ask question, do, do, do, do, do, and they come in a boop, and I love it. But if you want to ask a specific question for this episode, which is where I got these from, the Sabrina Zohar Show at Instagram, I do question boxes. Don't forget to go there, follow along so that you can be part of it. All right, ready? How do I get over not being chosen? 50% of me knows it's their loss. The other 50% I'm struggling. Because we need to start to look at the part of you that is struggling. We need to look at what is the narrative and story that you. have created about this. Already, I wasn't chosen. Instead of, this person and I are not compatible. You're putting your worth in the lens of somebody else. Well, they didn't choose me. You're right. A lot of people don't choose me every single day. But does that mean I need to internalize it and create a story and a narrative about what that means about me? People are not going to choose you. When in life are you chosen in

Starting point is 00:13:22 every single thing that you do? Because then that would mean that you're a people pleaser, that you're morphing and conforming to being what people want you to be instead of just being authentically yourself. Part of this is getting curious about the little girl that is scared and sad and feels like if she's herself or her parents going to leave. Is she going to get yelled at? Will her caregivers, her siblings, her teachers, will she be judged for who she is? Because at the end of the day, yeah, 50% of it knows it's their law. So that's the part that's like, yeah, I'm an amazing person. I'm a catch. The other 50% is struggling. Start to understand what's it struggling about. So it's not actually about the other person. It's struggling because someone didn't choose them,

Starting point is 00:13:55 not because you guys are actually the right connection. How to get over a four-year relationship, where an avoidant left me and replaced me after one week and it was long distance. You got to change that narrative. First of all, you had a four-year long-distance relationship. How often were you seeing each other? What was the reality? Who was going back and forth? Did you have the money for that?

Starting point is 00:14:11 Did you talk about the end game? Long-distance relationships are fun and fucking sexy until you actually have to be in one. Then you realize the bandwidth and the capacity and what it takes in order to be in a long-distance relationship. The other aspect here is they didn't replace you after one week. this person was probably starting to remove themselves from the relationship prior to that. You found out at that time. And then a week later, they had already had someone new. They didn't replace you. Look at the verbiage. First of all, and avoidant. Stop talking about these people as if they're a fucking science project.

Starting point is 00:14:45 Imagine if somebody was like, yeah, the anxious text me again. And you'd be like, that's reductive. As all I am to you is the anxious. This is a partner that probably if they were, you know that they're avoidance. So then were they communicating with you? Were you having hard conversations? Sorry, your four-year long-distance relationship, and yet it wasn't going, it wasn't progressing, it wasn't moving forward, it wasn't going anywhere? Maybe what's going on? That's all I'm saying, what's going on?

Starting point is 00:15:09 Where were you advocating for your needs in this relationship? And you have to change. We need to replace you being replaced. This person found someone else that's more compatible with them, and you will do the fucking same, because you know why? I don't want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with me. I never want anyone in my life, my community, my relationships, my personal, my professional, anything that doesn't also want to be there with me.

Starting point is 00:15:34 Even that's how we've created our career, like my entire career. Anybody we work with, we're like, hey, if at any point you're done with this and I'm done then great, I don't want to continue. You don't know me any money. I don't know you anything. We move on with our lives. I don't run after clients. If they don't book with me again, that's their prerogative.

Starting point is 00:15:49 I've assumed that you guys have moved on or have something else in your life. I don't need to chase people to remind them and try to understand. I can say, that's okay, you're not choosing me. So then I will choose myself. Because having self-respect and loving yourself more than the need to be loved by other people means, you're going to disappoint people, that people are not going to like you. Good, get fucking used to it. You're not 10 years old. You will never be a kid again. You don't have to feel the weight of what that child feels. But the only way you're going to get rid of it is when you face it, when you accept it. And when you sit in the feeling and saying, you're right, this

Starting point is 00:16:19 didn't work out. For four years, I was hoping something was going to happen that didn't. And I'm upset and I'm sad. But keep it fucking real. What are you upset and sad about? Because you got replaced. So then you're already putting the narrative that there's something wrong with you and you're not good enough and they found something better already. Maybe they just found someone who doesn't know them yet. They didn't find better. They just found someone who doesn't know them yet.

Starting point is 00:16:37 They didn't find better than you. Maybe they found a better connection, someone who is more compatible with them. But we got to start fucking reframing the way that we speak about things. You are not a T-shirt. You didn't get discarded. This person decided that they no longer want to engage in the relationship. Great. Let me open the fucking door for you so you don't waste any more time for the right people to enter.

Starting point is 00:16:55 All right. She ended things, but says things that make it seem like she wants to try again and it's confusing. Is there hope? Let me ask you this. Why do you want to be with somebody who keeps you confused? Why would you want to be with somebody who's mixed signals who says that they're ending it, but that there's hope? And that's what they have you. That's that intermittent reinforcement. That is that reward loop. Hope is one hell of a fucking drug. Because hope keeps you of maybe it's at the next corner. Maybe this. Maybe it keeps you tethered. Here's the thing. They walk out. Let them out. Let them fucking go. They come back in the future. I want changed behavior. That's why they always come back. They don't always fucking come back. And when they do, if they do, I want you to ask for one thing. Changed fucking behavior. Words without it mean absolutely nothing to me. I want someone that comes back authentic, ready, vulnerable, taking accountability and saying

Starting point is 00:17:41 their fucking part in it and what is going to change. Anything less than that? Keep it. How do I deal with core wounds that randomly pop up, cramping my style? I get it, baby. But what that is is a trigger. Here's a thing. You're never going to get rid of all of these things.

Starting point is 00:17:53 I write about it in the fucking book. You're never going to just get rid of it. You're not going to wake up one day and be like, oh, I'm worthy and deserving. I'm enough. And that's it. And that's it. You just never revisit anything. You're going to still feel things.

Starting point is 00:18:04 And I get it, right? We're using humor to deflect like, it's cramping my style. It's like, well, then stop treating it like it to discomfort. Stop treating triggers as if they're in a nuisance and annoyance to your fucking life and instead use it as an opportunity to get curious about yourself to understand what's coming up, to try to get introspective. Shit like that's going to happen. You don't feel good enough.

Starting point is 00:18:23 That's fine. there's a part of you that genuinely believes that. So then honor it. Get curious about it. Hold space for it. Do what you wish someone had done for you instead of dismissing it or discrediting it like maybe other people have, baby. How do I actually start to change and be better rather than just saying I want to? What are you doing to implement? That's it. Here's the thing. You could say, I want a six-pack. But no one's going to force you to go to the gym. No one's going to force you to eat better. No one's going to force you to get your steps in. No one's forcing you to do anything. You have to find the discipline and you got my mama always says you got to be. You got to be a be sick and tired of being sick and tired to make a fucking change in your life. No one's doing it for you. You want to start to be better than start to do better, start to work on your nervous system. I have an entire fucking course, the Healthy Dating Foundation course, which goes over all of this. You guys have the tools. You have the material that you need. There is therapy. There is journaling. There is meditation. There is going on a walk. There is regulating techniques. There's talking to a friend. You have a lot of these things. But I think we have to look and say,

Starting point is 00:19:19 what are you doing with it? I used to be that girl. I'm like, I don't get it. Why don't know you feel better? because I wasn't really allowing myself to feel. I wanted to get rid of these feelings more than I wanted to understand them. And now that I've changed the relationship I have with some of these uncomfortable emotions that come up, my life has changed because I'm no longer trying to get rid of something. Instead, I'm trying to understand it so I can get closer to it. And that way it doesn't dictate my fucking life. Who's driving in the car?

Starting point is 00:19:44 I want you to start to get curious about that. All right, let's get into a voice note. Hi, Sabrina. First of all, I'm a huge fan of your show. I've been following you since last year. and I think you're awesome and way too pretty. Not flirting. My question is about modern dating.

Starting point is 00:20:02 What do you think happened to dating these days? Like, it's just so confusing. Like, people either leave you on red or seen or coasted without any explanation or seem to be, like, only interested in hooking up with you, like in your body, like, with your body. Like, instead of building a real connection and I just hate it. Like, I've been in dating scene for the past five years. and honestly I haven't found the right person.

Starting point is 00:20:27 Like, I mean, dashingly handsome and confident and energetic. And, you know, sometimes I wonder if I'm doing something wrong. But, you know, like, for example, I'm a fast texter, right? I don't like leaving people on Cine or Red. Even if I'm busy, I'll immediately text, even if I'm standing in a train or even if I'm seconds away from an explosion, I still text the other person to let them know that I'm busy. And I will text them later. and I follow up on their promises, but they never do that.

Starting point is 00:20:56 I try to be kind and genuine, and it almost feels like those qualities just don't get appreciated, even though their profile or even though in person, they say that they are the best person that they will ever respond to. And I'm not saying this is for girls. It's for vice versa. I believe from my girl best friend, she also hears about this from guys. The guys slave ghosted and everything. And for me, it's like girls leave me ghosted. But what do you think?

Starting point is 00:21:21 Did dating generally changed or do you just think people are approaching relationships differently now? Also, what advice would you give to someone who's looking for a meaningful relationship without feeling like they have to play games? Thank you. This is so fun. I love hearing your voices. I love this. Okay. So there's a lot to unpack in this.

Starting point is 00:21:40 I think it's a few things. As you saw, well, if you're watching, you saw my facial expression. You're too accessible. And what I mean by that is like, I get it, right? You're like, even there could be an explosion happening and I'm still going to text this person because you're. You're prioritizing every person you meet over your own life, and people can probably pick up on that. Now, that's the first thing. I'm not saying you have to change anything. Maybe I'm a fast text or two, but I'm not always available. I have my life. I have my plans. I have my things. And I think what we're

Starting point is 00:22:05 seeing is, is there a pattern? Are we starting to notice? Now, let's zoom out for just a second. Has dating changed? It's evolved like anything else. But life has changed, right? As a millennial, I was lied to. I was told that if I work hard, I was going to get the house and the car and I could live with a family, I can have all the kids and the white picket fat. And I'm 36 and I still can't own a fucking home because every year it's just four, five, six times more expensive than I can afford. And you're just like, is getting further out of reach. Now, that's a sign of the times. And I think that we also have to acknowledge that dating is going to be like anything else that's going to take a hit.

Starting point is 00:22:40 I see people every single day. And I think that the reality here is, one, what are your expectations? You said, well, I do that and then they don't. Okay, well, but are you expecting everybody to react and respond in the same way? you do just because you're saying if the second something comes in, you're going to respond immediately, I also don't know. How often are you texting? Are you sending back paragraphs and soliloquies? And then they're writing one word. Why are we using texting so much, right? Like, are we not focused? I think, listen, here's a thing. I dated in L.A. I dated in New York. I dated in fucking Miami.

Starting point is 00:23:08 Like, I've been there. I've done that. I've had plenty of people that just wanted to fuck me. That is not new. There have been one night stands were not invented when dating apps came out, right? Like, that's just what it is. But I think that there is a transaction. way that people are dating now because there is the slightest bit of discomfort that's it I'm gone. The slightest bit of, oh, I think this person likes me more than I like them. Never mind them out. The second thing, people are terrible at self-identifying. Everybody, why do you think I say when I see on the dating profiles of like, well, I want a person that does this, this, and this? And you're like, yeah, okay, good luck, right? Do you think the person that does it's like,

Starting point is 00:23:41 oh, you're right, that is me? It's like, no. Odds on chance that people look at that and they perceive how they want to be perceived. Right. I even notice that we have a quiz. Go take it. At Sabrina Zara.com back slash quiz. It's great. What type of love around my quiz? And we see a lot of the times the responses will come back and people will email and be like, well, I'm so surprised I got this. It's like, because they were answering how they want to be, not necessarily who they actually are. A lot of people are going to come out. What do you think somebody's going to go out and be like, yeah, I love ghosting people. I never fucking text back. Like, they're, they're not that dumb. And so I would say this. If you're intentional the way that you date, then we also need to be intentional with the way that you treat your time and how you're showing up. So what is. that mean, right? When I met Ryan, I was like, cool, I was looking to see how much depth was he offering the conversation? How was he showing up? Was he making the plan? Was he being consistent? That was the metric for me to say, I'm going to give him more of my time, not just how often do we text and did they respond and when are they answering? It's like, that's all the low effort shit.

Starting point is 00:24:39 And then there's the hypervigilance and then we start to see. But there's also a thing of, like, are you seeing a pattern? Then I want you start to get curious about what the pattern is. Do you keep having all these big talks of like, you're not going to ghost, right? And you're going to stop having these fucking conversations. Start going out with people and let them show you who they are where their words and actions will align over time. I'm so done with the talk. Plenty of people can fucking do this big flex of like, well, I'm secure,

Starting point is 00:25:02 and I want this, and I do this, and then those are the people that ghost. I cannot even tell you. The dudes that text me every single fucking day good morning were the ones that actually had no intentions of being in a relationship with me. Why? Because they liked the attention. They liked the intensity. They wanted the idea of me.

Starting point is 00:25:16 But then once they got to know me for who I am as a fucking human, they would bop out. because it's not about intensity. It's about intention. Attention is very different than intention, and we got to be able to be discerning to see the difference between the two. And now I'm not saying that's your issue. I'm not saying that that's 100% what's happening. But I will say this, start to address where you see the wheels fall off the car. If every single time you're like, wow, we have a great first date. And then by the third, it keeps, great. So then what's happening in the interim takes stock? I share with you guys how I changed the way I dated was because I was not doing

Starting point is 00:25:48 doing the same thing over and over and over again. Expecting a different result. That's trauma. I know we like to say it's insanity. That's trauma. That's what trauma will do to you. Just keep replicating this and eventually we're going to get it right. And so that's what I would say.

Starting point is 00:26:01 And if you're feeling discouraged, take breaks from dating. You don't have to only focus your whole life on I have to find a partner. I have to find a partner. Build a community. Have friends and family and people that just lift you up and make you feel so full that these people would be lucky. fucking lucky to be into your life, not the other way around. So here's the tool of the week I'm going to leave you with. I want you to start to get curious. Next time, you're face to face with

Starting point is 00:26:28 something of, am I choosing myself or wanting to be chosen? Start to ask yourself, me speaking up in this moment, what am I afraid of happening? And if it's that they're going to leave, well, then you're hoping you're going to be chosen. If it's, I need to speak my piece, great, you're choosing yourself. Start to get curious what's right before that hesitation. Right before the, Right? I'm going to be too much. They're not going to like me. They're going to leave. I'm going to push them away. Well, then baby, you're hoping you're going to be chosen. And then we're going to start a new thing of product of the week, of things that I'm genuinely using. Not, not, not the most of them won't be sponsored. Maybe they will be. Maybe somebody wants a sponsored mama. And so this week, I've back on my mushroom journey. I brought three brands on set that I love that I love to use. Schedule 35. Fucking love these mushrooms. Boho Magic. Great little microdose. And then Micrology has their clarity, depending on the dosage and things that you want. For me, Make sure it's legal in your state. Talk to your doctor. Please make sure we do all the things that are what we need to do. But maybe they've given me a little sparkle back. They just take the edge off. I don't feel high. I don't feel like I'm floating on a cloud. I just feel more myself. And I feel like, whatever. Who cares? Say it. Say the thing. Right. And see what happens. And so I'm excited because I'm tired of just being a mule of like, well, I just give you your advice. And then you go on your way. It's like, I want to share more. I want to share more about me and things that I like and things that I use and what legitimately moves the needle. Like this has been the one thing that it's. has helped me more than almost anything else that I have done. And it's not even like a big heavy lift. It's like 100 bucks a bottle and that'll last you like two to three months. So, let's check it out.

Starting point is 00:27:58 See if that works for you. And if not, please throw this away and don't fucking use it. We'll come up with a new tool, a new product, a new thing that you could try next week. But I really, really want to give you guys more than just the intellectualizing aspect. I want to give you things that legitimately will move the needle. I'm excited. I'm excited because I'm on this journey with you. I am side by side, learning how to choose myself. Learning that choosing yourself means you're going to lose people. That's okay. That's part of this whole journey. And so I'm so grateful you guys are here. Thank you for sitting with me right in.

Starting point is 00:28:27 Send us your questions. Send us your story. Send us everything in the trenches at SabrinaZoR.com or at SabrinaZoer.com backslash podcast. You can send in one of those voice notes. Don't forget to pre-order my book. Why am I like this? Available anywhere books are sold worldwide. This is we're talking UK, US, Australia, New Zealand, Canada.

Starting point is 00:28:43 You name it, baby. Hopefully it's available. And once you're done, upload your receipt, whether that's audiobook. hardcover ebook, it doesn't matter. Ideally, please order hardcover. That's the only way we make New York Time bestselling list, but please get whatever you want. And you can upload your receipt on Sabrinazar.com backslash book for your free course and workbook that will accompany this. And as always, thank you for being here. Thank you for reading, reviewing, sharing with a friend, putting in your Facebook groups, and just being part of this community because you guys being here

Starting point is 00:29:08 allows me to be here. And I am so fucking grateful. All right, my babies. Until next time.

The Sabrina Zohar Show - 219: Dating Someone Who Won't Choose You

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