The Sabrina Zohar Show - 221: Can You Get Them To Change?

Episode Date: August 21, 2026

Discernment in dating is not about spotting every red flag, it's about not creating green ones that were never there. Sabrina opens with the story of the emotionally unavailable man she spent years making excuses for, then breaks down the difference between anxiety and intuition, why your gut is quiet and your anxiety comes with a story, and how the halo effect keeps you ignoring obvious incompatibility. She covers boundaries versus walls, whether "high standards" are self-trust or self-protection, how to trust yourself again after being lied to, and why limerence and fantasy keep you stuck in situationships that were never going anywhere. If you're tired of overthinking texts, playing detective with attachment styles, and hoping someone becomes who you need them to be, this one is for you. See it for what it is, not for what you want it to be. Pre-order Sabrina's book coming out October 2026,⁠⁠ "Why Am I Like This?"⁠⁠ Get your free workbook and access to the companion course after pre-ordering 'Why Am I Like This?' by filling out the form at the bottom of the page at ⁠http://sabrinazohar.com/book⁠ Take the new and improved dating quiz! ⁠sabrinazohar.com/quiz⁠ If you’re ready to slow down, trust your instincts, and break your old dating patterns, the Healthy Relationship Foundations Course walks you through it step-by-step  ⁠⁠HERE!⁠⁠ Get Ad free ⁠⁠HERE!⁠⁠  Watch on Spotify. Spotify subscribers get fewer ads on my video. Want to work with Sabrina? ⁠⁠HERE!⁠⁠  Get merch for The Sabrina Zohar Show ⁠⁠HERE!⁠⁠  Don't forget to follow ⁠⁠Sabrina⁠⁠ and ⁠⁠The Sabrina Zohar Show⁠⁠ on Instagram and ⁠⁠Sabrina ⁠⁠on TikTok! Video now available on ⁠⁠YOUTUBE!⁠⁠ Chapters: 00:00 Why The Spark Can Be Dangerous 02:42 Falling For The Fantasy Not Him 05:52 Anxious Texting And Chasing Crumbs 09:30 What Discernment Actually Means 11:47 Is It Your Gut Or Your Anxiety? 14:11 Boundaries Vs Walls In Dating 17:17 High Standards Or Fear Of Intimacy 19:26 Trusting Yourself After Being Lied To 21:40 The Evidence Vs Story Exercise 25:04 Stop Hoping They'll Change Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formerly known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A.Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Two and five Canadians will hear the words, you have cancer. That's why every step and dollar raised matters. On September 19th, join thousands in Toronto for the Princess Margaret Cancer Foundation Walk. Challenge yourself, friends, and family to walk 21 kilometers in support of life-saving research. Together, we can carry the fire and help create a world free from the fear of cancer. Register today at pmcfwalk.ca.ca. When WestJet first took flight in 1996, the vibes were a bit different. People thought denim on denim was peak fashion, inline skates were everywhere,

and two out of three women rocked, the Rachel. While those things stayed in the 90s, one thing that hasn't is that fuzzy feeling you get when WestJet welcomes you on board. Here's to WestJetting since 96. Travel back in time with us and actually travel with us at westjet.com slash 30 years. I'll never forget the time. I was so enamored with the idea of this guy that it actually had nothing to do with who he was. And the reality was I wasn't necessarily being

discerning enough to differentiate between the version of who I thought that he was and the version of him that was showing up. So let's go into story time. Picture it. We're talking 10 plus years ago. So I have a clothing line called software that I recently closed. It was time to move on with my life. But at the time, this was my bread and butter. And I was going to studios and stores all across New York, all across the country, doing everything I could from the ground up to build this company. And I'm at this one place. I have no idea who owns any of it. I don't know anything about the place. I'm just there. And I'm supposed to meet with the owner and the CEO and all of those things. And so I'm waiting in just the side room. And, you know, it's just a couple of the girls,

like the assistants that were there. And all of a sudden, the elevator opens. And they say, have a great podcast to the guy. And he steps out to grab something. And we just kind of make eye contact. And I think he went back in. I said, have a good recording. And he just looks him and he's like, thank you. And the door's closed. Now, of course, in my head, I'm like, creating the castles in the sky. And I'm like, oh, my God, it was a sweet moment and this cute meeting. Oh, my God. He was so handsome and he was so fun. And he was all those things. I was like, God, these guy is just electric, right? That's the spark. And that's why the spark can be so dangerous. Sure enough, I go into the meeting to meet them. And I meet the founder and I meet the CEO. And I find out that the person in the elevator was her husband. And so, of course, instantly I'm like, balloon deflate, not touching it. He's married. Move on with my life. Years go by. Two or three years go by. And all of a sudden, I'm on Hinge, I think. And there he is. And in the moment, I didn't realize who he was. You know, and you see and you're like, why do I know this person? I'm like, where have I seen this guy before? And so then I go down and I see the company name. I'm like, oh, my God, it's him. Oh, my God. And so, of course, we match. And the first thing he says is, oh, you look so familiar. And so I'm like, you don't remember. And I said, I told you have a good podcast. And instantly he was like, oh my God, you were by the water cooler when I got into the elevator. And I was like, yep. So I am instantly conflating this to being something it's probably not going to be, right?

It's this cute meet. It's the story. It's the about us. It's going to be in our wedding photos, all of the things. And so we end up meeting for drinks. And my mom had been staying in town. And she was leaving that night. She was going to stay at my sisters.

And she walked by, I didn't even notice. She walked by while he and I were at the restaurant, the bar. And she even saw, she was like, oh, you guys are adorable together. And she's like, he kind of looks a little rough around the edges, but you guys are so cute together. And I remember they sat us in the back and it's this cute little romantic place in Williamsburg. And we're having a glass of wine. And you know when you're just so into somebody, I'm like peeling off layers because I'm like, is it hot in here? Or is it just him?

Right? I'm like, I'm like, I'm dead of winter. I'm like, oh, he's so fucking gorgeous and he's smart and he's fun and we're having so much. You're just laughing and you're laughing and you're laughing and you're having a great time. and one thing leads to another and we kiss and then one thing leads to another and, you know, mind you, this is COVID days. So like bars were had, you had a 90 minute time stop to get the fuck in or out. Like this was New York.

So New York was shut down practically, right? So this is the height of COVID. This is, I think it was October 2020. And so I'm like, do you want to go back to mine? I'm like literally two doors down from this bar. And he's like, yeah, sure. And of course, we're talking, we're talking. And I think I felt this level of comfort that I hadn't felt with a lot of people because,

oh my friend knew him and so many people and like I've literally just been texting with someone who was loving him and so I was like oh it's like I know him already he's safe he's a good guy we end up and he leaves and he's like I had such a great time like can I see you again like this was so awesome I haven't had this much fun just like being with somebody and he's like I really like you like I really I'd really like to see you again and I was like okay that sounds great but at this point I am so stressed because of my clothing line I am in complete scarcity mindset at this point dating has been a a nightmare for me. And I'm just like, man, okay, finally, finally I have somebody. And I remember he was texting, but he wasn't texting as much, right? And my anxious ass was freaking the fuck out.

And I tried to look for the messages, but I deleted them because I was so anxious I would delete the messages so I wouldn't text him because I didn't save his phone number because why would I? And long story long is, I will never forget. I was packing orders. And I remember I was so manic with my texting that I'm sitting there crying while I'm texting him of like, do you understand that because I haven't heard from you, this makes me feel like this and this and like, and he's just like, uh, sorry, like I was in meetings all day. I just, I didn't really text. Like, I, you know, this is kind of feeling a lot. And I'm like, you know, you're calling me a lot. And like, you're just like my dad who would dismiss. Like, none of this is appropriate, by the way. Like, by no means am I trying to sit here and be like,

oh yeah, totally no big deal that I did this. And I'm like trauma dumping on him. And I remember being like, okay, I need to stop. Like having enough conscious awareness because this was only like a little over a year after my ex and I broke up. And so I'm still in my hot mess express phase. but I'm learning. I'm trying. I knew in that moment I was like, you need to fucking cut this shit, Zohar. And so I was like, I'm going to take a step back. And I remember the next day I went to yoga with my girlfriend or two days later. And in the middle of yoga, I see his name pop up or like the, you know, S by his name. And I just instantly was like, and I'm in the middle of class, grab my phone. And he just says like, how are you? And that's it, hook line sinker. And I remember after she's like, oh my God, he texts you. That must mean he's so into you. Terrible dating advice. Like, no, no, that's not what that meant. And I remember. And I remember. then he's like, I'm going to come back to the city. Like, do you want to hang out? Because he didn't live in the city. He lived outside of it. And I was like, I'd love to. And so I remember he brought his pillow. He left his pillow. And I was like, oh my God. He left his pillow here. That means he really likes me. Like, by no means, again, not being discerning. And I'm just creating castles in the sky. Then to my knowledge, I think like I kept going with the texting and the texting and why aren't we hanging out. And I don't understand. Why are you using me? And you don't care about me. And so much that eventually I get hit with the, you know, I'm not ready for a relationship. This is feeling really heavy. At first I really liked you, but now I don't really know what's going on. And like, you know, I think there was an amalgamation of him being emotionally unavailable and also me just being like so fucking anxious and in my shit. And like at this point, I, I'm somebody

that has learned how to live with the anxiety because like, spoiler alert doesn't ever go away. But even conscious aware of like, it was too much. It was, I had no emotional regulation. I was just a spitfire text after text after text after text because any kind of silence created the unknown and the unknown was scary and scary means I'm going to be abandoned. And all of that to say is I think like, I remember I looked at the text messages, like two or three months went by and he text me. And he was like, do you still want to do that workout? And I was like, yeah, I'm down. Well, we fell right in back into it. But at this point, I'm moving. I was moving from New York to L.A. And so I think both of us felt like this is safe, right? Because I'm about to fuck off. I'm about to go on to new endeavors. And so we

start kind of going right back into it. And when I say he was a selfish lover, I'm not kidding. Like, he would come within three seconds and I'd just be laying there and he had no problem just passing the fuck out or being like, I got to go. And I remember just feeling cold and hollow and what the fuck was the point of this? But I wasn't conscious enough to realize that. Instead, I said, do you want to go to bathhouse with me next week? Do you want to go do this? I'll book this. I'll do this. Do you want to go out to dinner? What are you up to? I'm with my friends. And I even looked at one of the texts and I remember him texting. I'm at Rin Tin Tin in Soho, meet me. I miss you. I really want to see you. Like I want to just I really want to be like hanging out

with you right now. And then the next day I saw the text and he went, sorry, I drank a little too much last night. And I remember we then, we hung out a couple of times and every text after was, that was amazing. That was so much fun. Fuck, like it was such a good time. I'm so glad I got to see you. But he was never fully available. I would get maybe an hour. I would get like two hours, right? I would get, hey, I'm in between this. I'll come. We'll hang out. We'll fog. We'll go grab a quick bite and then I have to leave. Or oh, sorry, I can't hang out anymore. like after we'd hook up, he'd be like, oh, sorry, I forgot to mention, I have to leave. And I was so, I had such little self-love that I wasn't stopping to say, that doesn't work for me. And I moved

to California, right before I moved to California, I saw him on my birthday. Same thing happens. He is, again, the most selfish lover. I'm laying there. I ended up leaving because I was like, I'm going to go home. And I just felt like hollowed out like a melon baller. And I moved to California and I'm sexting and we're flirting and we're this until I found out he had come to L.A. and didn't tell me. And I found out because he had posted. And of course, it was, sorry, babe. I was really busy with work. And it's like, dude, you were literally down the street for me. You're in Venice when I was fucking living there. Like, you easily could have told me and I could have come up and I bought you for a hug. Like, it's very clear that we're just fucking making excuses. And we, I go to New York

to do an event with him and I'll never forget. I walked in and I think, I guess I'm assuming this is now at the time, he's his girlfriend. And he just like doesn't tell me about that. And it's a 22 year old fucking cunt. There is no other way for me to say it. She is so rude and bitchy to me and disrespectful. And she's just snapping at me. Like she fucked up and like didn't bring something. And suddenly it became my fault because how dare I ask her. She says assistant. I'm like, what are you talking about? Like this is what it's supposed to be. And I'll never forget. I had the text. The last time I spoke to him, he said, are you on your way? I said, yep, coming right now to be there in two minutes. And I get there and he was being such an asshole. I remember screaming at him. And I was like,

you're a fucking cunt. I was like, you're a piece of shit. Fuck you. I did the event that. night. I remember I went out, got a drink with my friend, came back, and was like, I need to push through this. I pushed through it, did the fucking thing. I have never spoken to him again. Now, why did I share that story? Because what was missing throughout the entirety of that discernment? I was not being discerning to go, hey, I don't think this is working. I don't think that this is the right person for me. I created castles in the sky. And I think we confuse what is discernment. We think the discernment has to mean, oh, I notice all the red flags. But discerns. doesn't always necessarily mean that you see all the red flags. What it also means is that you're not creating green ones that don't exist. Hello, hello, hello! And welcome to another episode of The Sabrina Zohar Show. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. Friends, you see, I got dressed up for you. I wore my, my Sunday best. Ah! Guys, I love getting started and just diving on in and telling my stories. And I'm just so excited to be here with you guys. Don't forget to pre-order my book. Why am I like this? If you like the stories, bitch, you're going to get so many more.

please order a hard copy. I will say this all day. That's the only way I'll get the New York Time bestselling list. If I'm going to get disowned by my father for writing this book, I might as well make the fucking list and have New York Time bestselling author in front of my name. So please, please, share it with all your friends. Don't forget to go to Sabrinazohohohoer.com back as a thank you, so much workbook as a thank you guys. And as always, thank you guys for being here. I'm getting her groove back. I'm feeling a little bit more like myself. I'm feeling a little bit more like myself. I'm feeling a little bit more like myself. I'm feeling good, feeling great. And I'm still, don't worry, the reason I share this is because nothing's changed. It's not like, oh, yeah, I made a million dollars last week, so now all my life issues are gone. Or I got this big gig. No, nothing is monumentally changed. I just feel more capable and in control. I don't know if you remember, Monty, animal, in control from the Muppet movie.

But I feel more in control of my life than I ever have. And it's not because anything has changed. It's because I have. And I think that's the biggest part here is I have stopped looking at things as if this is going to save me. This is what's going to do it. No, no, none of it's going to save me. None of it's going to change my life. I'm going to. I have to be my biggest advocate. I have to be the one to fucking cheer me on. I have to be the one to believe in me because who else is going to? If I expect everybody else to be there for me and validate me and tell me that everything I'm doing

is perfect, but yet I don't fucking see that myself. I'm never going to make any changes in my life. If you want to actually start to make changes, you got to be the one to create the fucking change. So that's why I'm excited. Because I finally feel like I know myself. And I've been doing all these interviews for the book and going out and doing podcasts, and I just feel so connected. Yeah, I'm just feeling good. And so if you guys need anything, don't forget to rate and review the show. Share it with a friend. Subscribe, all the things.

Okay. Two and five Canadians will hear the words, you have cancer. That's why every step and dollar raised matters. On September 19th, join thousands in Toronto for the Princess Margaret Cancer Foundation walk. Challenge yourself, friends, and family to walk 21 kilometers in September. support of life-saving research. Together, we can carry the fire and help create a world free from the fear of cancer. Register today at pmcf walk.ca.ca. So you guys wrote in, and I have some questions that you had been asking about what is discernment. Disernment doesn't mean that you can identify every

single red flag and run away, but discernment actually means is that you don't make something a green flag before that person has earned that place in your life. Discernment is being able to say, I like this person, but they might not have the bandwidth, the tools, the capabilities, the capacity, and all the things that I need in order to have a real relationship. You're not fucking kidding yourself to create a fantasy that doesn't exist. So, my friends, one of you guys had asked, could anxiety be disguised as discernment? So there was a study done called predictive processing and prediction error. And what they found was that the brain predicts threats when information is uncertain. That's why we might say, oh, I'm being discerning when, no, I'm just

being anxious because I don't have a clear answer. I don't know what's going on and my brain wants to try to close the loop. What is the difference between your gut and your anxiety? Your gut is a lot calmer. The problem is that when we've told people listen to your gut, well, but if you've never been taught how to actually listen to it and instead we create narratives, because sometimes our gut isn't a safe place to be. If my gut has always told me to go towards people that are unhealthy, well, am I actually listening? So really what it is is anxiety comes with a story, a narrative, and body sensations. So your gut is going to be a lot calmer. If I were to say, do you like the color pink and you say, no, it's not my favorite. Do you notice how you didn't go,

oh wait, but is she going to like my answer? Does she think that's a smart one? Wait, oh my God, what am I do? No, you just said, no, I don't like it. Versus anxiety comes with the body sensation and the narrative and the story. Everything that is attached to it is anxiety. Your brain is there to keep you safe. It's not there to help you grow. Your brain doesn't know how old you are. It doesn't know that you have credit cards. It doesn't know that you have gone through all of these experiences. What it knows is I need to predict the outcome because I need to make sure that they're alive. Because if there's a prediction I can't measure, then what happens if they get hurt? Oh my God, I failed. I didn't do my job. So that's what we want to remember. And I think the interesting thing is,

can discernment also create walls? How do you know if you have boundaries or if you just have rigid walls? Boundaries are flexible. Boundaries can be worked through over time, especially as you have conversations and you start to understand someone boundaries are. This is what I'm willing to do and what I'm comfortable with. Walls keep people out. Boundaries allow people in. Walls are, I don't trust myself. I don't feel safe. I need to protect myself. Boundaries are I love myself so much that I'm going to set a boundary to make sure that if you are in my life, that's because it's a sustainable way for me to show up. And so I think for a lot of us, we see, oh, I just have high standards. I'm just really picky. It's like, that could be the other side of avoidance. That could be the flip side. I want you to

think of it this way. Do you have high boundaries and standards because you love yourself so much that no matter what you'll be okay, you trust yourself, and that you're cool to walk away from someone because they just don't align. Or do you have high standards and boundaries because you've been hurt and you're not going to get fucked over? Do you notice how one comes from fear and the other comes from self-trust? One comes from, I trust myself and I'm not going to put up with any less and that's just what I deserve. Versus the other is I'm scared. I don't know that I trust myself.

So I have to build these walls because that is what protects me. That is what keeps me safe. And I get it, baby. It's maladaptive. Somewhere along the way, that was safety for you. That was what was taught as safety. but it's not working. I used to think that my standards, I'm like, Matt, whatever, I can be flexible. It's no big deal. It's like, no. I've had big conversations with Ryan of like,

this is what I'm willing to accept and this is what I'm not. And we have conversations like that all the fucking time. I'll give you an example the other day. I asked Ryan to help me with something. I was trying to cut something and I got because of my nails and like I almost cut my fucking finger off, no joke because it was like a hard loaf and I couldn't get it. And I said, babe, could you help me? and he started laughing and he kind of like rolled his eyes at me and I was like what and he was like really I was like uh yeah I'm asking you for help like what is this and he was just like kind of scoffing at me and I finally stopped and I was like you do realize I'm not your little fucking sister I was like I don't need you to put me down because I'm asking for help and then you wonder

why I don't feel comfortable asking people for help because look at the way you treat me when I come to you saying I need something and he stopped and he was like I'm sorry you're right that that was insensitive He was like, you didn't deserve that. I'm happy to help you. And I don't really know what came up with me just now, why I was such a dickhead to you. And I was like, yeah, cool, thanks. Don't fucking do it again? Do you notice how I could have played small and I could have gone in words and been like, oh my God, I'm annoying him?

Oh, my God, I'm too much. I knew I shouldn't have asked him. No, instead I said, but this doesn't make sense. I don't need to have walls up to keep somebody out and be like, fuck you. But instead I said, but this is what I'm willing to accept. I'm not going to allow someone to mock me or put me down or make fun of me because I ask for help. Because growing up, that's all I had was when you asked for help, you were weak. You were seen as like, wow, you need someone to help you because it wasn't a safe place to be.

I didn't have caregivers that were always there and attuning to my needs and making sure I had everything that I needed. My mom thought she did, but she didn't. And she realistically, like, wasn't able to provide the attunement that I needed. And so, of course, then I kept dating people where I felt like I'm too much and there's something wrong with me. And asking for help is scary. and so I have to bend over backwards and kill myself to make sure I can do it. But don't worry, you can ask for help all day and I'll be there to be there for you. That was a little last backwards.

And so having such high standards that no one is able to get in is what's keeping you single. You think that you're just being picky. But on the end of the day, you're just keeping people away from getting to know the real you because if you have walls up that are so high, no one can actually get over them. And so then you always have an excuse. Well, they're just not enough. And they're this and they're this. But then I would stop and ask, but are you letting anybody in?

Are you allowing someone to see who you really are? are you trying to protect yourself so much from getting hurt because you don't actually fucking trust yourself? Someone asks, why do we ignore obvious incompatibilities? So there's something called the halo effect. The halo effect is essentially a cognitive bias that because you saw one thing you liked, suddenly everything gets cloaked in that. So maybe you thought that they're so cute and they're so sweet to you. But when they're rude to the waiter and all of those things, you didn't even notice. You just saw that they brought you a rose.

And because they brought you a rose, that makes them a good person. So everything else that they do is cloaked in that. But really, at the end of the day, we have to look and say, what are the patterns of behavior? If you're going to identify, they're the one, they're for me, they're all of these things, and it's a click, and it's a connection and all that. What are facts do you have to back that up? I want you to actually quantify it. What do you believe that they are?

And then what are they showing you that they are? And that's to me discernment, is it's not about I can recognize every red flag and I run away the second I see it. It's about not making it something it's not. The guy that I shared with you, the story in the beginning, I made it something it wasn't. I made it that it was this romantic thing and that he just was. scared and he just wasn't ready to let me in and he was just emotionally unavailable. Bitch, I made so many excuses for low effort shit because I didn't fucking love myself enough

to demand better from other people. I didn't love myself enough to say that doesn't work for me. I didn't love myself enough to say I'd rather be alone and in bad company. And I didn't love myself more than the need to be loved by other fucking people. And because of that, I just a loud bullshit in my life and I fucking cloaked it in this armor of, oh, it's just that they're this or they're this or they're this. okay, I've had really bad days. I don't treat people like that.

All of us are going through a hard time. I don't know one person in my life right now where everything is great. We're like, they're just like, yeah, no, relationships are great, dating is great, my love life is great, my friendships are great, my friendship's great, my career is great, my money is great. I don't know one person where everything is going well. That's because all of us are going through it. You're not alone. That's because a lot of us have work to do. A lot of us are struggling.

That's okay. But we don't need to make this something it's not. We don't need to put people in a pedestal that they didn't fucking ask. to be on. Ah, I loved this one. How do you trust yourself after being lied to? Recovery doesn't come because you can predict everything. Recovery comes because you're able to bounce back and handle it no matter what. They chose to lie to you. Maybe you believed it. Maybe you're a human. Maybe there's just something there that you really, really wanted, didn't want to see. That doesn't mean that you can't trust other people. What that means is now that you have to learn to trust yourself a little bit more

and that you have to be more discerning on, are they telling me the truth? It's not about predicting their bad behavior. It's about trusting and having confidence in your ability to respond. Because if you've been lied to, again, that was that person's choice. They chose to lie to you. They chose to create this. You didn't say that. And so I want you to own what you can and then release what you can't. Two and five Canadians will hear the words you have cancer. That's why every step and dollar raised matters. On September 19th, joined thousands in Toronto for the Princess Margaret Cancer Foundation Walk. Challenge yourself, friends, and family to walk 21 kilometers in support of life-saving research.

Together, we can carry the fire and help create a world free from the fear of cancer. Register today at pmcf walk.ca.ca. When Westcham first took flight in 1996, the vibes were a bit different. People thought denim on denim was peak fashion, inline skates were everywhere, and two out of three women rocked the Rachel. While those things stayed in the nine. 90s, one thing that hasn't is that fuzzy feeling you get when WestJet welcomes you on board. Here's to WestJetting since 96.

Travel back in time with us and actually travel with us at westjet.com slash 30 years. I've had people lie to me before. I did. I've even told you guys. I was supposed to be on a podcast. I'm not going to go any further than that. I was supposed to be on and the person lied to me. They lied to my fucking face.

They lied in front of my team. They lied in front of everybody. And then we got ghosted. And I never heard from that person, ever. And for me, what am I, so does that mean that now anytime someone reaches out, I'm not going to trust them? No, that just means now that I'm going to allow people the opportunity to show me that they want me there, to show me that I am prioritized by them. Otherwise, I don't get excited. I've shared with this, you guys. I've had so many opportunities to be on a TV show. It's all I want. I want to host my own show. I want to help people at a broader scale and give this advice and love to people in a different kind of capacity. And every time it's the same. The casting director loves me and the producers love me. and everybody loves me, and then I don't get it. And so imagine if I was like, well, they lied to me, so I can't trust anyone. It's like, maybe they chose to lie, but that doesn't mean that I have to make this mean

anything about myself. So I don't want you to have to always predict. A lot of you guys will ask in, how do I know someone's emotionally unavailable when I first meet them? How can I tell that they're avoidance so I don't waste any time? Maybe you stop trying to play detective so much and you get so in touch with your own fucking feelings that you don't put up with bullshit. I don't care what their attachment style is because the minute you fucking see it,

you're going to do something about it. So let's go into tool of the week, shall we, my babies? Okay. So what I want you to do is I want you to have evidence versus story. It's something that has been really, really crucial for me. So one side of the piece of paper, I want you to have the evidence, right? They cancel our plan three times. They introduce me to the friends. They apologize without me asking, right? That's the evidence. Then I want you to look at what is the story that you've created. They're scared. They're busy. Maybe I'm asking for too much. Maybe they're my soulmate. we want to start to look and say, what am I actually seeing versus what am I creating here to be that might not actually exist? So if you come and say, we had a really great date, oh, so that means that like they really like me and we're going to be this and maybe I finally found my person.

Okay, well, do you see what you're getting caught up on? So this actually isn't about them anymore. And this is not even necessarily about potential. It is, right? Discernment is a part of us that's trying to decide is this real or is this not. I don't want you to look at this as this is like, oh my God, every time I go on a date, now I have to question everything about yourself. What I want you to say is, if I removed the story, what decision would the evidence alone lead me to make? So if you remove the story altogether and you have nothing and all the evidence is that they were nice on the first date, great.

So then what is that, what would that lead you to believe? I'd see them for a second, right? Do you see what I mean? First date is just to see if you want to see a second. Second is just you want to see a third. What we're trying to do is we're trying to keep you measured because I understand dating is fucking exhausting. I am not going to sit here and pretend as if it is not fucking tiring and exhausting, putting yourself out there and getting rejected and getting your hopes up and excited and that it doesn't work.

It's not for the faint of heart. But God damn it, like you exist, I know someone else fucking amazing does. So until you meet that person, please stop settling for anything less. If somebody wants to walk out the door, open the fucking door for them so that they don't waste any space for the right person to come in. because if I have to beg you to remind you that I exist, then we've already lost the fucking plot. Then this isn't a connection. This is just my childhood wounds all over again.

You deserve better. And I want you to see it for what it is, not for what you want it so badly to be. And that's where we start to get into the limerent phase, where limerence is like the idea, the obsession of, I have to have them because we're so dysregulated, they become your oxygen. What happens when you lose the oxygen?

So what, that's it? You cease to exist? And maybe this is even in a relationship. If you've been in a relationship for a while with somebody and you are saying, well, but I'm hoping they're going to become this or they're just busy. If you find yourself making more excuses than actually seeing for what the behavior is, then maybe inevitably we have to stop and say, am I just avoiding facing the reality?

Do I just not want to see what's here? I have gone through that with Ryan before. When you're in a relationship, like here's a thing, I help you guys build the healthy foundation to a relationship. Now we have to start talking about what comes once you're in it. What happens when you're in the relationship? We're not even talking about marriage, right? Once you involve the government, that's a whole another fucking can of worms.

But even just as simple as once you're in a relationship, are you seeing it for what it is? Or are you still hoping it's going to be what it was? Are we still caught up on? But in the beginning, it was great. And at one point, they were really lovely. And they used to show up like this because you're hoping so much that we're going to get back to where we were, that you're not willing to accept who they actually are. And maybe that means they're better.

Maybe that means the worse. Maybe that means it's no different. And maybe you guys are running off into the sunset and everything's really great. But I don't want you to look at this as like, now. I have to go in with my detective glasses and figure this out. What it is is it's about saying, I trust myself that no matter what, I'll be okay. I trust myself that I got this, that I'll be able to see if this. And you know what? Here's a thing. And if I can't, I'm not going to make this mean anything about myself. Sometimes you could take ownership. I'm not going to say you can't.

But imagine if I made every single thing about me. You'd be like, oh, all right, so hard. I think we're good. All right. It's enough. Thanks. Okay, cool. Not everything is you. And I know that because this is why I hate that main character energy shit. You're the main character of your own fucking movie. You ain't shit to anybody else. You're the main character of your movie, but to everybody else, you're an extra that might not even have any fucking screen time. So instead of making everything be revolve around you, we can also look and say, they have their own lived experience. They're going through their own shit. That person's having their own moment in right now in this fucking universe, and they have their own perspective.

Not everything has to be about you and your worth. And fuck, I really hope you'll take anything away from this episode is that discernment is what's going to save you so much time because you're not going to see it for what you're hoping it is. You're going to see it for what it is. And for what it is, is either this is a person I can work with or this is a person I can't. And I'm going to make choices that align with that. What I've been using, product of the week, not sponsored. I just really like it. It's called Truvaga. And it's a nervous system regulator. And so you spray this thing, it's two minutes on and you put it right here and it activates your vagus nerve. And I do it before bed or I do it when I'm super, super anxious. And it's just been helping because it helps me to kind of

downregulate to just come back to the present moment. And so again, true vagua. And there's like a ton. You can Google like nervous system tools. There's ones that you can wear around the neck. There's ones you wear on your head. It doesn't really matter. But what it does is it stimulates the vagus nerve, which lives right around here in your neck. And then it rolls, runs down. I mean, it runs through your body body, but this is the place you can activate it so that you can come back to the present moment. And you're not so here, there and everywhere, but at the very least, I'm like, you don't want to use it too often. That's the thing. I used it like four or five times a day, and my doctor's like, hey, I think you down regulated a little too much. I think we're shutting down a little bit too much.

But maybe I use it in the morning and at night, just right before bed, especially when you're like anxious or you don't really know what's coming up or you're like, man, I just really want to get some sleep. Give it a try. Give it a whirl. Like I said, I'm going to be giving you guys things that I use all the time because not everything is just the mental stuff. Sometimes it really is about being like, hey, go for a walk. Hey, go drink some water. You're like a plant. You need sunshine and water. Thank you. And I also think we need to start having our own lives. Not everything can be about dating.

Not everything can be revolving around a relationship. Not everything can be revolved around your husband or your partner or your spouse or your wife or the person that you're with or the person that goes to you. Life has so much more to it. And you guys know I cried a few episodes ago about my mama. If you don't take the moments now, ain't nobody going to fucking give them back to you. So see it for what it is and stop bullshitting yourself into thinking it's going to become something it's not because that's a childhood wound. You fantasized growing up to keep you safe. Well, you're an adult now.

You don't need to fantasize anymore about what's to come. You get to live in what is. And what is is so much better than what if. My mama always used to say. Anytime I spiral on what if, what if they don't like me, what if they don't choose me, what if this, what if that? Okay, well, if you have to focus so hard on what if, you're not actually looking at what is. Because if they were that person, you wouldn't be asking what if. So I want you to see it for what it is instead of what if this, what is this?

I feel sad. I feel lonely. I feel this. That's okay, baby. I'll meet you where you're at. Friends, thanks for coming to another episode. Yay, we did it. I love you guys. Don't forget to rate and review this show. Share it with a friend. Please pre-order the book. Why am I like this? Available anywhere bookstore, any bookstore on the planet right now, anywhere on the world.

Please, please pre-order. Don't forget to go to my website and get your freebies. I love you, babies. Thank you for being here. M-M-W-M-W. Until next week, Angels. Two and five Canadians will hear the words, you have cancer. That's why every step and dollar raise matters. On September 19th, join thousands in Toronto for the Princess Margaret Cancer Foundation Walk. Challenge yourself, friends, and family to walk 21 kilometers in support of life-saving research. Together, we can carry the fire and help create a world free from the fear of cancer. Register today at pmcfwalk.ca.ca.com.com.