The Sabrina Zohar Show - 227: How To Actually Handle A Breakup…

Starting point is 00:00:00 I have been dumped. I have done the dumping. And it is not fair or fun for anybody going through a breakup. I don't know one person that's like, oh my God, I love dating somebody so that I could get dumped at the end of it. But that's a part of life. Right. Not every person that you meet or that you go out with or that you have a relationship with is meant to be in your life forever. And that was a big game changer for me. When I learned to grieve the ending of things properly, it allowed me to release control the outcome. Every single day I'm rejected. I understand rejection's really tough. And there's a lot of us that are struggling. And we are in breakup. right now. Every single client I'm having is coming to me because something is ending, right? The summertime wave is done. Sons out buns out. We're getting into coughing season. People are realizing I don't know that I want to bring this person into the next season with me. I'm about to go into the holiday parties because don't worry, baby, the next wave will be after Valentine's Day or right around then when people start to realize, I don't know if this is the one I want to bring into summer. Like, it's cyclical. And that is part of life. And I was going through my text recently. And I found a guy that I was really into. I'm probably was 24.

Starting point is 00:01:00 And let me preface, I was a hot fucking mess. I hated my job. I didn't really have solid friends. I didn't know who I was. I was so desperate for someone to choose me and someone to pick me and someone to love me that I wasn't actually even choosing myself or being discerning or seeing things for what they were. Like you said jump, I said on who. I went out with this guy maybe three times. Like it wasn't anything major and he was like a big high up in finance, right? That's the New York version of our fuckboys too, is we have the finance bros. I was looking at this guy. I was looking at it. I was looking at. I was looking at. I was looking at. I was. I was looking at. I was. I was. I was. I was through the text and I sent him and said, you know, I like you. I'm enjoying our time together. You know, is this something that you would take seriously? And he wrote back and he said, I've really enjoyed my time with you. I think you're such a lovely and amazing person, but I need to be fully transparent. I want to date somebody that's more established in who they are and in their career. And he said, I totally understand this, is there's a lot outside of your control given your age and where you are in life. But for what I'm looking for, it just doesn't align with the partner that I want and the life that I'm trying to build. And I remember being so sad and so bummed in me, like, but you just didn't give me a chance and da-da-da. But do I understand what he meant?

Starting point is 00:02:05 100%. A hundred percent. Now, 12 years later, 12 years later, who am I? Wait, 24. Yes, I could do math. I was like, oh, girl, you're trying to be cute. You're not 32. 12 years later, because I can do math. Now being someone so established in their career and really, really driven and goal-oriented, I could understand meeting somebody that you're like, you're such a lovely person, but we just don't align. And I think that's the hard part, right? This, today, we are talking about what to do and not do during a breakup. Whether that be during it, after it, right after, it doesn't really matter. But we will start with stop internalizing everything to mean that there is something wrong with you. Because it's funny, I was in therapy yesterday, and I was telling my therapist how I've struggled to friendships all of my life. And I'll be

Starting point is 00:02:49 fully transparent. I fucking hate L.A. I fucking hate this place. And not because of the place, the people here. You will go. It's like dating. You go and I'll have these like incredible podcast or meetings or I'll meet somebody at a dinner event or something like that. And you're sitting and you're talking and you're jiving and you're having so much fun and you're like, oh my God, like maybe meet a new friend? Like this is so exciting. And then sometimes it'll be, oh my God, let's swap phone numbers. Oh my God, just going to hike. Let's do something. And then you never hear from that person again, ever. I was explaining this to my therapist and she said, well, it's interesting. You tell me about how you show up for people, how you're so giving and loving and you do everything that you can. And then you get

Starting point is 00:03:25 disappointed by how they show up. And she's like, but instead of looking at it as, well, their morals and ethics don't align with the type of person I am, you internalize it to be something wrong with you. And it's like, well, why? Because then I have control. Because if I can make it about me, well, then I can control why this isn't working for me. But then sometimes you really do have to acknowledge and say, I don't, I don't really care their why. If there was something wrong with me, somebody by now would have told me, I'm sure. But you know what I am going to say? It's not mine to own. If these people are that shallow and that inconsistent and that close-minded and that difficult to build a relationship with, then are these people that are these anybody I want in my life? As somebody who literally wrote the book on it, I understand how your core beliefs can start to shape the way that you view yourself.

Starting point is 00:04:08 But I am here to let you know, first and foremost, do not make the breakup mean anything about your worth. Who the flying fuck is this stranger, is this person? I don't care how long you've been with them or not going to tell you who you are. Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar Show. My name is Sabrina Zohar, and I am your host. Hello, my friends. Welcome.

Starting point is 00:04:29 Oh, babes. Okay, we're going to get right on into it. But before we do, we are two weeks away from PubDate. So please let this, let me just share this into perspective. I need a minimum of 10,000 hardcover copies to make the New York Times bestseller. If every person listening to this show right now bought the book, I would make it instantly. That's how many of you guys are here. And that's how grateful I am that you show up every week, but I need your help.

Starting point is 00:04:52 This is where I need your help. Please pre-order the hardcover. You get a free course and workbook for the next two weeks as a thank you for pre-ordering at Sabrinazoa.com, backslash book. But this book is a game changer. I read it if you got the audio book, but please order the hardcover. If every person right now orders it, give it to a fucking friend if you don't read a goddamn book. But just please, I beg of you, if I'm going to be disowned, I want to make that goddamn list.

Starting point is 00:05:12 And some housekeeping. Don't forget to rate and review the show, share it with a friend. And follow along. A lot of you guys come in from social. you'll see a clip, you see something once, and you watch one episode and then never come back, because maybe you don't know what's coming up next. And maybe you don't know what the future holds. But every single week, we come back here to build this community together. So subscribe so you know when the next episodes are so that you could be part of it. And it's not just a one and done done, baby. Because unfortunately, that's not how healing works. So I got my friends. We've got a bunch of new things coming and I will announce those after the book. But for now, please pre-wrote the book, rate and review the show, read and review the show, read and review the show. I'll be on tour. I will you guys know we're trying to book a New York show. Like, we're trying to book some more stuff. But right now, we have the UK available. We're going to add another show. So October 6 and October 7th. And San Diego at Warwick's, October 27th, come out and see me. You get a signed book. If you come, I know you guys are asking how to get a signed copy. We have no idea. We're trying to figure that out because log.

Starting point is 00:06:07 But for right now, if you come and you see me in person, whether that be in London or in San Diego, I will sign your book. I'll give you a photo. I'll give you a kiss on the cheek if that's what you want. Ideally not. I'm a little bit of a germaphobe, but I'll air kiss you. And I love you guys. Thank you for coming out and supporting. And I can't wait to hug you guys. It's going to be incredible. So Sabrinazara.com backslash tour. Get your tickets. Get your book. Come out and see me. And let's fucking do this together. All right. Without further ado, let's get on and do it, babes. It's funny. When I was doing the series, originally I had single dating relationships. And then Ryan was like, hey, Zohar, what about breakups? And I was like, duh, da, duh. You're right. Breakups are such an important aspect.

Starting point is 00:06:44 So let's talk about things to do and not to do. So things not to do. I'm going to start with, don't do what I did in the beginning of my book where I text somebody 173 times because he tried to end it with me. I understand breakup suck. And I know that sitting in the discomfort feels really overwhelming and like you really just don't want to do it. But eventually you've got to learn that you need to see this for what it is, not for what you want it to be. The reason so many people get stuck after a breakup isn't because the person was so fucking amazing and so incredible and so special. It was because of the story and the narrative that we've created about why this didn't work out and what it is that we are thinking about our. ourselves, start to actually challenge the thoughts and the narratives that you are creating. They were the one. What made them so special? I'm never going to find anyone else like them. Really, somebody that ignored you, somebody that didn't respect you, somebody that made you earn their fucking love. You're never going to find that. I want you to start to be realistic about who they are, not who you were hoping they would become by the time you were done with them. And the reason I think breakups suck even more is because look at the pain we put ourselves through, right? Like, think about it. Somebody could get dumped and they go, okay, well, hey, this person wasn't for me. And then you

Starting point is 00:07:44 might get dumped and all of a sudden you're hell in a handbasket and you're holding on to this person like we have to really hold and look at what is the narrative and story that I am creating about this person nobody wants to get dumped right I don't know anybody that's like yeah this is so fun I can't wait to be rejected rejection is redirection just because it didn't work out with this person doesn't mean that there's not somebody amazing down the street waiting to fucking meet you but the more you hold on to the wrong person the more time you're staying away from the right person if you choose you I don't really give a shit if they don't I am so sick and tired of everything happens for a reason sometimes it doesn't

Starting point is 00:08:14 Stop trying to make everything a lesson in your life and instead maybe sit in the weight of the fact that this fucking sucks, that you're bummed, it didn't work out, that you really liked this person and they didn't want to be with you or they didn't want the same thing as you. Not everything has to be for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you needed to realize how amazing you are as a person and that just because they don't choose you doesn't mean that you don't also choose you, baby. So somebody had asked how to process anger. Underneath anger, typically speaking, there is a primary emotion, mad, glad, sad, happy. And so maybe for some of us, it's that you're really, really bummed. You're allowed to be angry. You don't need to aim at them.

Starting point is 00:08:47 You don't have to try so hard to get the closure from them and I just need them to hear me and I need them to validate me. I get it, right? But that's a lot of childhood core beliefs. Because think of it this way. Did you have caregivers where you could do that? Were you able to be open, honest, and transparent with the people that hurt you in childhood? Probably not. Anger is grief with somewhere to go.

Starting point is 00:09:05 Grief needs an outlet. We need to be able to sit in it. It was so funny. I had my client this morning. He's going through a breakup. And he kept saying, no, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I don't want to cry.

Starting point is 00:09:14 And I finally said, but maybe if you stopped apologizing and you allowed yourself to feel this, maybe we could actually move forward. And so I forced him with sheer will and love to sit for 90 seconds. And he bawled in a way, I don't think he's cried in years. And at the end of our session, he said, I've never felt lighter. I feel hurt. I feel seen. I feel understood. And I said, but you did that.

Starting point is 00:09:34 It wasn't me. I was here to guide you. But you did that. You saw yourself. You heard yourself. And sometimes anger feels better than sadness. because we really want somewhere to funnel this because feeling sad could also feel helpless. And feeling sad could feel like, I don't know what to do with this because maybe growing up you didn't.

Starting point is 00:09:51 But if you actually allow yourself to feel the emotions, the weight of it and not try to make it a lesson, not trying to understand them, every time you go into, why didn't they want me and why aren't they choosing me and why didn't they text me back and why are they ignoring me and why are they doing this? You're just avoiding dealing with yourself. Anxious folk are avoided. I will say this all fucking day. My anxious babes are avoiding doing the work and the deeper work on themselves. That's why you focus so much on why they don't like you. Because if you have to stop focusing on why they don't like you, you, you have to sit with the fact that do you like you? Do you choose you? Do you love yourself? Because if your answer is, oh, of course I do. Don't lie to me, baby. It's literally, I call you guys out that in the book. We all have that knee-jerk reaction. Look, of course I'm worthy and deserving. It's like, but then if you were, you wouldn't put up with this shit. If you really believed that you're worthy and deserving, you wouldn't allow people to treat you like this. I know I have my worth because who I am intrinsically is my worth. That doesn't mean that that's how much money I should make. That's how much money I should make.

Starting point is 00:10:41 doesn't mean that that's how much I should be loved. That means that I know what I deserve. And I think for a lot of people, we sit in anger and we stew and feeling upset and grieved and slighted in all of these things, because it allows you someone else to hold accountable instead of yourself. I want you to look at the story when you think about your breakups. And I want you to ask yourself, who am I talking to? And that was one thing my client kept saying, but if somebody loved me like this, why would they hurt me so bad? And I asked, who are you talking to? Who's saying that? Because a good portion of the time, it's a part of you that really needs you to fucking love them, that needs you to see them. You're so busy trying to get everyone else to love you that you have forgotten how important it is for you to love yourself.

Starting point is 00:11:17 You're so busy trying to get everyone else to see you that you don't realize how important is for you to see yourself. Because when you do, that's when your life will change. Not when somebody else comes and gets you, but when you fucking save yourself. Someone else had, how long do you sit and mull things over versus empowering through by keeping busy? I want you to keep busy because you're living your life, but I don't want you to use busy so that you skip over feeling what it is that you're feeling. Distraction manages pain, but it doesn't allow you to process it. So if you don't sit with it, don't worry, that shit's still waiting for you. For 50 years, Canadians have wondered what the names of IKEA furniture mean.

Starting point is 00:11:50 Like Natopa, the guardrail for children's beds. Natopa means giving your favorite person room to grow. It means their safety and your piece of... No. In Swedish, Natopa means night monkey. Mom, he's back. IKEA, 50 years of Swedishness at home. Look, he's wearing little pajamas.

Starting point is 00:12:14 So cute. When West Jet first took flight in 1996, the vibes were a bit different. People thought denim on denim was peak fashion, inline skates were everywhere, and two out of three women rocked, the Rachel. While those things stayed in the 90s, one thing that hasn't is that fuzzy feeling you get when WestJet welcomes you on board.

Starting point is 00:12:32 Here's to WestJetting since 96. Travel back in time with us and actually travel with us at westjet.com I think it's important to understand that you are allowed to be sad. Any of your friends saying to get over it, you can tell them to go fuck themselves. If anybody tells you to get over it, you just tell them I'm on a different journey than you are. But that also means that you have to allow yourself to process it. We have episodes on my ruminating or my processing. So feel free to go back to that. But I need to prep you. When you go no contact with somebody and when you don't have somebody in your life anymore, you're going to go through a withdrawal. That's what makes the breakup so tough. You had this person every day and now you don't. And that's why you want so badly to talk to them, to text them, to hear from them because it soothes the anxiety and the disconnect and it gives you more dopamine. But that's why when you look at your phone and you start to count how many days it's been and you're looking at how long it's been since they answered you and you're looking at every single thing, you are dripping yourself dopamine. Because you're still keeping it alive. You really want to move on from this person.

Starting point is 00:13:27 Stop looking how long it's been since you spoken to them and start looking at how long you've been accepting their low effort bullshit in a way that doesn't work for you and how much better you fucking deserve. because I want you to go no contact, but I don't want you to use that as a strategy or as punishment. Because you don't go no contact to make somebody miss you. You do that so that you can stop finally and really accept this breakup for what it is. You do this and you go no contact so you can withdraw from this person so that you can come to a clean slate and then you can assess, was it actually about them or was I holding on to a story and narrative about myself? And I understand breakups are really tough and they can hit those core wounds. and they can really get underneath the surface. But I think every time you have the urge to reach out to them, I want you to name what the urge is for. I want you to be honest. I want to be soothed. I don't want to be uncomfortable anymore.

Starting point is 00:14:18 I want to know that I was chosen and validated. I want this person to tell me that it wasn't my fault. I want to be saved. I don't want to be uncomfortable anymore. It's almost always never about them. It's about wanting the discomfort to stop. So write the text, but don't send it. Put it in your phone.

Starting point is 00:14:32 Send it to your girlfriend or your boyfriend. Tell your friends, hey, I'm about to tell your friends. hey, I'm about to text my ex, but I want to text you instead. Because more often than not, it's not about your ex. Because like Mama Zohar always said, you're so focused on what if, but if you actually focused on what is, you wouldn't need to focus on the what ifs because if you had that person here, you wouldn't be asking what it would be like if you did. That's a tough one to sit with. But when you focus on what if so heavily, you're not seeing what is. And when you can't see what is, then you're not being discerning and you're still living in a fantasy. You keep telling me,

Starting point is 00:14:59 I'm so confused. I just don't understand how this happened. I don't actually think it's that you're confused. I think there's a cognitive dissonance. I think that you're think who you thought they were isn't who they ended up being. And now you're trying to reconcile with the difference in the gap. And oftentimes, that's why we're so stuck. Because it's not even about them anymore. It's about the fact that maybe you didn't see it or that maybe you allowed it. So sit in that and stop trying to make it about somebody else. So somebody had asked how to find the mental strength to walk away. He broke up with me seven months ago. We're in contact still. Baby, ain't nobody going to fucking do this for you. Ain't nobody going to do this for you.

Starting point is 00:15:26 That's like being like, well, how do I find the will to go and exercise and eat well? It's like, you've got to be sick and tired, to be in sick and tired to make a fucking change. Cut it clean. Stop holding on to people who have shown you consistently that they don't want you. This person broke up with you seven fucking months ago, so let me be the person to let you know. They broke up with you. They're not that into you. They don't want this. They're not choosing you.

Starting point is 00:15:46 Accept it. Feel it. And then move the fuck on. Stop making this mean anything about you. Stop making this mean that there's something wrong with you. And stop making this mean that no one's ever going to choose you. Because at the end of the day, you're hoping that they take your fucking pain away, but you're not actually willing to sit with it, face it and allow it.

Starting point is 00:16:00 Staying available, you're just the option, not the choice. And they're just saying, oh, well, they don't actually mean what they say because they ended it with you and you're like, well, I guess that's that. I guess I just have to stay. It's like, no, you know you're allowed to block people. You know that you're allowed to not look at their social media

Starting point is 00:16:18 because every time you do, you reset the clock. You're reopening the shit over and over and over again. Yes, I said you. You might not realize you get a choice in this. Just because you didn't get to choose the breakup doesn't mean that you don't still have a choice in what happens after. You don't have to stay friends with an ex. You don't have to fucking stay in this person's life.

Starting point is 00:16:34 life. And I know that you're going to be like, but they were my best friend. Well, you don't need another fucking friend that you fucked. Okay? Sometimes it's okay to say, they might have been my best friend for that season, but my best friend, but my best friend, well, then maybe I can say, maybe one day we could be friends. Maybe one day we can reconnect, maybe one day, but I need you to stop holding on to the idea of people, right? That's what you need to not do, is hold on and think that, well, but somebody asked the other day, this person treated me so poorly, but if they go to therapy and they do the work and maybe they change over time, do you think it could work? And it's like, baby, this is no longer even about them. You're hoping that somebody comes back for you because

Starting point is 00:17:07 then you didn't actually even love the person that they are because you loved who they could become. And I get it. You guys ask all the time, like, what do I do? How can I go no contact if I still work with this? A couple of things. One, learn from this. Stop fucking people you work with. Stop dating people that you wouldn't be okay seeing if it didn't work out. That's the first thing, right? The second thing, You got to limit and define the time that's spent and how much contact you are willing to allow before you're in the same room with them. What I mean by that is just because you work with someone doesn't mean that you need to talk to them about the relationship. Logistics only nothing nostalgic, nothing after 9 p.m. Civil and unavailable is allowed. You are allowed to say, I will talk to you just about the work stuff, but I'm not going to talk to you about the relationship.

Starting point is 00:17:51 I'm not talking about how I am. I'm not talking to you about anything besides what we have to do. And that's the thing. You can't change that. It's the same with if you have kids with somebody and you're like, but how do I go no contact? It's like, you only talk about the children. You only talk about the things that still tether you together with this person. They live in your building. You don't even have to fucking say hi. They're air with a name at this point. You can walk by and do the little head nod and keep fucking walking. You don't owe this person anything. You're broken up. You guys are done. Allow that. And I know, a lot of you guys will ruminate and you're trying to solve the breakup and you didn't get any clear. and you're in no contact. But you know how you actually do that? Except that it's an incomplete story that you don't need to solve it. Your brain treats a missing explanation like a problem. It's a loss. You can have every answer and still be sad because answers were never the thing. The answer was never what was going to let you free, what you do with it is. So maybe the answer is, I don't have closure. I don't have an answer because this person couldn't even be a fucking adult and give it to me.

Starting point is 00:18:46 Closure is a decision. It is not a conversation. If you have somebody that it was refusing to give you closure and they won't even have a conversation with you, you have to remember their version is built to make them feel better, not to actually acknowledge what happened because that would require accountability. You know your truth. Stop waiting for them to fucking validate it. The person that hurt you isn't the one that's going to heal you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. And I know a lot of you guys are trying to figure out like, is it avoidance? Was it this? Was it this? Take ownership of your half, but don't audit theirs. I understand. You want to give this rumination of vocabulary, right? Of like, oh, well, it's because they were avoidant and they were this. You know what matters? None of that.

Starting point is 00:19:21 None of that bullshit matters. None of it does. What matters? What did I allow? What were the red flags? Maybe I didn't see. What were the green flags that I did? What did I enjoy and what did I not?

Starting point is 00:19:30 What are things I used to accept that I'm no longer willing to? You don't have to figure out their attachment style. But you know what you can figure out if it worked for you or not? And then moving forward what you're willing to accept and what you're not. You're allowed to miss people. You're also allowed to acknowledge that they're not right for you. You can miss somebody, but you don't need to read missing them as a sign. It's okay, right?

Starting point is 00:19:48 It was real. It's still over. Both of those can agree. exist. And I know a lot of you guys are keeping hope and you're hoping that, well, maybe things will come back and maybe they'll do, da, and my gut is telling me that this person's going to come and choose me. Grieve it. Don't hold the door open. Hope releases dopamine. Hope is giving you the maybe, maybe, maybe. Sometimes they come back. Sometimes they do, but sometimes they don't. And you know what doesn't matter if they come back or not? Because the reality is you do this work. You start to

Starting point is 00:20:14 heal. You start to see them for a real person. You start to take the shine off of them. What makes you think that you're still going to want them. And one thing I see often is a lot of you guys will say, well, after they became the man that I wanted them to be or the woman that I wanted them to be. But we don't actually know if that's true. We don't know about that because when somebody's in panic that they lost you, I want you to see what happens when that wears off. Don't reward the exit version of them. If somebody is only good because they lost you, then that's because it's fear, but that's not actually change. Because I want you to look and say, am I seeing them for who they are who I wanted them to be? Right? I want you to notice when you're living with a version of them in your head and then I want you to make this real.

Starting point is 00:20:51 What do I have to quantify all of this? And I think that there's a real grief when you're the one who ended it as well. It's not just that you got dumped. So if you're the person that ended it, I need you to hear me and I need you to hear me well. Leave them the fuck alone. Stop texting somebody because you're like, oh, let me see what they're doing and how are they and maybe and maybe and maybe. No, baby. Leave them the fuck alone.

Starting point is 00:21:11 If you have broken up with somebody, unless you make a come to Jesus 180 moment and you're like, I am ready to be that person, I'm here. I'm fucked up. I am so sorry. That was a rookie move. Then bitch, you better fucking stay. I do not want to all of a sudden see where you're like, well, they did it again. And I get it, right? When you feel the grief, when you feel like you messed up, let regret teach you something, but don't pay for it forever. Don't pay for it forever. Guilt on a loop is self-punishment. That's all you're doing. And I know that sometimes where there's the breakups, right, where you're like, there's nothing wrong with this person. You're allowed to leave still, but it doesn't mean that you need to make them terrible. to justify it. It wasn't right is a complete fucking sentence. And you can doubt that after, but that doesn't mean that the decision was wrong. And I know that sometimes people will beg, forgive yourself for hurting somebody. You're allowed to say, listen, I know this is going to hurt you, but don't make it the story about who you are. I get it. Somebody might, if you're begging somebody,

Starting point is 00:22:06 maybe, I need you to hear me. Stop begging someone to choose you. When somebody ends it with you, don't send 173 texts like I did. Allow them to say, this didn't work for me. And and then allow yourself to say, I'm bummed, but that doesn't mean I need to convince you to choose me. And after a breakup, take the time. Take the fucking time. Allow yourself. Allow yourself the space to say, I'm going to reconnect with myself. And then when you're ready, go when you're curious, but don't go to prove something.

Starting point is 00:22:33 There's no fully healed to date again. You're never going to be fully healed. I don't give a shit who you listen to on the internet that tells you that they healed through all of the shit that doesn't exist. If you're going to feel better about it, then feel better about it, right? But I want you to look at this and say, am I dating because I'm ready to get hurt again, which is a possibility? Am I dating because I really want to see if this person has the bandwidth and the capacity for what I need? Am I ready to let somebody else in my life? Or am I doing this to prove a point because I'm scared I'll be single forever because I don't want to be alone.

Starting point is 00:23:03 If you're running away from fear, it's always going to chase you. But when you're running towards a goal, you know that you can walk calmly and quietly towards it because what's for you won't pass you. And I know, right? The hardest thing is after when you see them on the dating apps, mute them. but don't measure your worth against their timeline. How fast someone moves on says how much they can be alone with themselves. And maybe they've processed this differently. I know that's the hard thing to hear.

Starting point is 00:23:25 But, you know, sometimes when someone breaks up with you, they've been thinking about this for a minute. And I know I hear this all the time. I was blindsided. It's like, were you actually or were you just not seeing it? Because a good portion of the time, like I had a girlfriend that went through a pretty shitty breakup. And she kept trying to blame him. And I was like, I'm not. I'm sorry.

Starting point is 00:23:43 I said, you wrote in your journal how this person. and didn't have the bandwidth and the capacity for what you needed after date for. And then now you're sitting here telling me how, oh, but they were the love and they were the one. And I'm just so heartbroken. It's like, no, no, no. I think you're more upset with yourself that you didn't see it, that you didn't understand it, that you didn't accept this person for who they were and you were hoping they were going to change. That's okay.

Starting point is 00:24:01 You're also allowed to be sad that it ended. Like, I'm not taking that away from anybody. Grieve it. Mourn it. But don't let this mean anything about you. And that's the biggest thing. Stop telling all of your friends every single fucking thing. have your core group of people that you trust.

Starting point is 00:24:14 Talk to a trusted counselor, a therapist, a coach, I don't care. Talk to somebody that you feel safe with that could be objective. Stop using chatGBT to get over a fucking breakup. ChatGBT is a coddle machine. It is prompt driven. Notice every time you has chat, then if you challenge it, it'll be like, you're right because it's not meant to challenge you. Even when you tell it, like, challenge me.

Starting point is 00:24:33 It's like, it's a machine. It doesn't understand heartbreak. It has never had its heart broken. It doesn't understand being on the floor crying hysterically, having heart palpitations because that person walked out on you. stop turning to other things to tell you it's okay for you to be sad. You're allowed to, but you also don't need to make this mean anything about you and your worth. All right, product of the week, shameless plug, my candle. I only have four left, so I wanted to share that with you guys.

Starting point is 00:24:55 It's a custom scent. They're handmade in Santa Monica by Blow Me, my favorite candle company. Ugh, they smell so good. I chose it. It's white or a sandalwood and leather. Leather, baby. Two lit for bullshit. There's only four left. So get it now. It's Sabrina's hour.com backslash merch. We have new merch coming. I'm photographing it this week, babes. I'm so excited because it's going to be really sick. But get this before they're gone, my friends. And every order includes a free tote because I really want to give you guys a fun little gift as a thank you. So please, please, don't forget to support the show in any way, especially you guys that are ad free. Thank you so much. I know $4 a month might not seem like a lot to you. And maybe it is. And I'm so grateful for that. Because it's like you get me a cup of coffee every month. And I'm so great vault. All right, let's talk a tool of the week. The unsent letter. I want you to write the whole thing. everything you'd say if they would allow you to just sit there and fucking take it. I want you to write what you're angry about, what you'd want them to admit. What do you actually miss specifically, not the highlight reel? One sitting.

Starting point is 00:25:54 Don't edit. Don't send it. Don't soften it. Hey, hope you're well. And then I want you to put it away. And in two weeks, I want you to reread it. And I want you to see how much of it was for you. Most people never get the conversation.

Starting point is 00:26:06 Everyone can write the letter, though. And so I want you to really just let it out. And then in two weeks, give yourself the grace. Give yourself the grace of in two weeks. And then start to challenge it. I'm like, oh, shit. Yeah, I was really, I was going hard in the pain. I was really, really attacking this person.

Starting point is 00:26:19 And now that I've had space from this, I've actually realized, like, they didn't necessarily do anything wrong. Or I was looking to villainize this person because it made me feel better. That's okay. You're allowed to. I have struggled through breakups before. I understand that. But what makes a relationship healthy is that you know it can end at any time.

Starting point is 00:26:37 And I've shared that with you guys a million times. If Ryan and I broke up tomorrow, I would be sad because I'm human, but I wouldn't allow it to mean anything about my worth because we're two healthy adults that would make a choice and a decision together. And we'd have a conversation about it because I know that I've chosen somebody that would do that with me. And so it's okay if you see that this person is not that person. That doesn't mean that it's about you, but it is about looking and saying, what did I maybe not see about them? And what if I've been normalizing and excusing this whole time because I didn't want to see it? And maybe they really are amazing. And maybe it just didn't work out.

Starting point is 00:27:05 It doesn't mean that either. There's no one that's good or bad. but I am appreciative of anybody that at least tells you the honest truth so that you could be free and get the life and the love that you deserve. All right, babes, the end of the series. We loved it. Let me know what you thought of the series. And then I'm open.

Starting point is 00:27:19 Any other series ideas you guys have? Pop them on into the chat. Let me know. Babes, we're two weeks away from the book. Please don't forget to pre-order, pre-order, pre-do, tell everyone you know. If every single person listening to this ordered, I would get instant New York Times best-selling author. So it takes 10 seconds. Please go to Amazon, Barnes & Noble, any of your local bookstores.

Starting point is 00:27:36 It's worldwide. You can order it from any country for the most part, not all, but like for the most part. And just thank you. I'm so grateful for you guys. I genuinely just don't know what I would do without you. And I'm so proud and honored to be here with you because we're all on this together. And I am still learning how to grieve the ending of things and be okay with breakups. But I want you to remember, do feel it. Don't make it mean anything about you. You got this, my babes. And I'll see you next week. I love your friends. And I can't wait to see you on tour. Bye, friends. For now. Thank you.

The Sabrina Zohar Show - 227: How To Actually Handle A Breakup…

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