The Sabrina Zohar Show - 25: Masha Pt 5! How to 'sit in the discomfort' , feel your emotions and work through rejection/abandonment.

Episode Date: July 7, 2023

On this weeks episode of The Sabrina Zohar Show Masha Kay is back! We talk about what it means to sit in discomfort, feeling your emotions and the disconnection between the mind and body when youre trying to heal abandonment or rejection wounds. Want to work with Sabrina? HERE! Stuck After the Podcast? Master Implementation in 8 Weeks with Sabrina's Foundation Course Join the Make It Make Sense: Getting Through a Breakup course HERE! Get Ad-free episodes and 2 Bonus episodes a month HERE! Dont forget to follow Sabrina and The Sabrina Zohar Show on instagram and Sabrina on Tik tok! Video now available on YOUTUBE!  Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formally known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A.Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to another episode of Do the Work podcast. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. Guys, we have Masha back. I'm so excited. Our resident nervous system specialist and just overall amazing, amazing woman. This week we are talking about what does sitting in the discomfort mean? What does it mean to feel your emotions? How can you start to?

What's the disconnection between the mind and the body? Honestly, this has to be another one of my favorite episodes with her. We have so much incredible information in this episode. episode. So I'm just amped. And guys, as always, if you ever need anything from either Masha or myself, the links are in the show notes. So if you ever need anything at all, please go check there. If you want to book with her, myself, ask us any questions. If you always need us, it's always there. So without further ado, let's get right on into it. I'm so excited to have you back. Welcome. I'm so excited to be back. I've been anxiously

awaiting this moment. Yay! As we all know, Masha's our resident now on Do the Work. And so we are going to talk about something that is actually really near and dear to my heart today. because it's a saying that I say all the time is always sit in the discomfort, sit in the discomfort. And it's like, we're going to actually start to peel back the layers of what that means. And so I'm excited. And especially because for those of you who know or don't know, I've been in Masha's course. And it's the mind-body recalibration because I, wow, I actually could say that correctly. And I'm not a total fucking idiot.

But the course has been so amazing because it's been teaching me so much. And right now we're kind of in this place. And for anybody who wants to join the course, you still can. but we're kind of in this place now of really feeling the emotions and preventing the nervous system and going deeper, deeper, and the ladder and everything. So I'd love if you kind of can pitch, kind of kick us off on maybe some pillars or where do we start with the sitting and the discomfort component that are where we are in the course as well. Yeah. So thank you for that intro. And so where we are in the course right now, the way I kind of think of this course and the way I think of my work of rewiring the nervous system,

any kind of change in your life as kind of having three phases. And the first phase of that is the befriending phase. And when I say befriending, I mean it's befriending all the parts of ourselves that we're typically fighting against. I don't believe we can create any kind of change from a place of hating ourselves, from a place of battling ourselves. That is wasted energy. You are wasting energy battling against yourself, which is going to not help you. It's not going to help you create change at the end of the day. So in this phase, we really want to befriend all the parts of ourselves. typically fighting. And that's often our nervous system. That is our triggers. That is our wounds, right? That is parts of ourselves that we feel like are ugly or unlovable. And of course, that is

our emotions because a lot of what we are running from, a lot of what we are battling against is feeling our emotions. Right. And I think there's major misunderstandings about what emotions actually are. And I guess I think the place for us to start with this would be to point out that emotions are the language of the body and thoughts are the language of the mind. And once we really understand, well, if emotions are the language of the body, am I listening to this? Do I know this language? Am I listening to this language? Do I even have access to this language? Most people, the answer is no. And then what does that mean? Because if you're not connected to your body and you're afraid of this being in your body, how much energy are you using to run away from

yourself. How much is that adding to your triggers? How much is that adding to your problems? Because you're trying to outrun yourself, which is impossible. And the only way to do that is to keep fucking running all the time. And how many of us are that? When we're saying, I'm spiraling, I'm going in circles. How much of that is like us literally running away from ourselves and our body and the present moment? Oh my God. I used to be, even when I think back on like, mostly my New York days, that was when I really felt it the most. Obviously, my nervous system was constantly and disregulated living in that city, as you know, and you did that. But I just, I always remember that feeling like no joke where it was, it was palpable,

where I literally felt like I couldn't breathe at these times where it was so overwhelming. And one fun fact that I learned from the course was that the emotional cycle, as you said, is 90 seconds. And so I'd love you to kind of go further into that because that was shocking to me where I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa. In less time than I can make a fucking TikTok, I could move through this incredible. incredibly painful emotion that I'm feeling and start to really get to the other side of it in a quicker time than even just watching a reel. Like, wait a minute, there's got to be more to

this because I'd love to hear more on that because let's just go into that first. Yeah. I know. It's a shocking fact for the simple reason that most people are like, no, that's impossible. I feel my emotions for hours, days, months, lifetimes. I can't move through them. There's no way. But what I mean by that is there's research that shows that the chemical cycle. So an emotion is a chemical reaction. your body. Right? There's all these chemicals moving through. The chemical reaction of an emotion actually lasts on average only 90 seconds. That's crazy. That's crazy because most of us feel it for so much longer, right? You said you lived in New York. You felt it the whole time. What the hell was happening? Well, here is the kind of the caveat we need to be aware of. Yes, the chemical reaction takes 90 seconds.

But for that 90 seconds to complete itself, we just need to be in the body and allow the body to know, to do what it knows how to do. The body knows how to process emotion. your body is so wise, so intelligent, beyond any understanding that you currently have, right? It knows how to move these things out. It's the mind that stops it, right? And so when you're feeling, when emotion starts, what happens? You start thinking thoughts. Oh, I feel shame.

Oh, my God, I'm such a shitty person. I'm not good enough. And the second you have that thought, the 90 second cycle restarts. The clock restarts because it now triggers another emotion, right? There's a communication highway between your mind. in your body, right? And it's constantly sending information up and down. Now, most of the information is actually coming from your body, not your mind. 80% is coming from the body to the mind. Only 20% from the mind to the body. But that 20% is powerful too. So you have an emotion in your body.

You feel something. Something triggers. You didn't even have a thought, but something starts happening in your body, whereas that's where it always starts. And then your mind starts to create narratives. It's like, oh, it must be because I'm such a loser. It must be because this person did something to me, right? And once you have that thought, it sends the message back down to the body of start that clock, start that emotion. And so if we're not able to be present in the body for those full 90 seconds, then we are just restarting that clock over and over and over again. And then the emotion feels endless. God, that's so fascinating. I love like actual facts of like, this is actually how long. I'm like, oh, because I think, so it's so funny, my step by step process that I have learned, you know,

because like Masha and I talk about this all the time. I'm very like therapy background. So I was kind of beaten over the head by doing therapy and therapy and therapy and therapy of talk through your feelings and talk and talk and talk intellectualize. And then towards maybe the last year and then also, you know, when I met you like it really became aware. Oh shit. Okay, well I'm not really connecting to the body as much. I started connecting quote unquote to my body yoga, meditation working out. I really became intentional of mind body connection. Where am I feeling this. How does it feel when I lift this weight? Am I feeling it in this part of my body? So I slowly, you know, started to do it. But I wasn't doing it in the moments of hell in a hand basket. I'm super

disregulated. And so I think what I'm super stoked and we're going to go deeper in is like, so what I always usually kind of advise anybody I'm working with on is like, let's talk about the three important aspects to start notating. Your trigger, just so that you're aware of what caused me to feel disregulated. Because if you're not even aware of your triggers, it's hell in a hand basket. But the the reason I have the second component verse before the last is where do you feel it in your body? And more often than not, when I talk to people, the first thing they'll start to say is, well, I start to think this. And I'm like, no, no, no, I didn't ask you what you were thinking. I'm like, that's the third part, which is the narrative that starts to play.

But there's that disconnect about the feeling in the body. And this is where I'd love for you to kind of go in a little deeper of it's not just, oh, I felt it in my body. Okay, I felt anxiety. but really for you, how do you, I know you have a bit of a different practice on it, but what does that mean to you in the process of essentially how can we get that 90 seconds? Like how can we feel it for that 90 seconds to then move to that last step of where's the narrative and starting to chip away in that regard? Can I come back to that? Of course.

Can I say something? Because you said something so important in terms of like your own healing journey. And I think that's what you do so beautifully. You have really analyzed your own healing and understood it and are able to verbalize in ways that a lot of people just can't. And then it leaves a lot of people kind of like, clueless. Like, how are these people doing this? And I think you do such a beautiful job of like, step by step, this is what I did. This is what I learned and how you kind of like, it was a process, right? And I love that you said that over the last year, you've really been reconnecting with your

body, right? And that's been such a huge part of your journey. And you said, you know, before that it was a little bit more intellectualizing and thinking through your feelings. And by the way, that got you really far. That was a really important skill. And in your darkest moments, you shared with me, that was so valuable and so helpful to you. And so that's incredible. And then came this point, it's like, oh, this could only take me so far. Right. I'm kind of, I'm feeling a little stagnant, I think, is what you were realizing. Yeah. And you started making this connection to your body. And this is where yoga came in, all these things. And I just wanted to explain a little bit more why that's so on point. And that has to be the next step of healing. And that is when trauma happens,

what trauma actually is is a disconnection from your body. because in those moments, it wasn't safe for you to be fully present in your body. And you learned other ways of keeping yourself safe, right? Often leaving your body, disconnecting from your emotions, because it was too painful. It was too much. Trauma is too much too quickly. Right. So that disconnection from your body is literally core component of trauma. And if we know that's a core component of trauma, then a core component of healing is reconnecting with the body. You can't just be in the head. You have to make that connection again. And I love how you said you started even small of like when you're working out, where do I feel sensations? Another small example of reconnecting with your body is

noticing cues of when are you hungry? When are you thirsty? When are you tired? Because think about it. Those of us who have experienced trauma and let's be real, that's all of us, little T trauma, big T trauma, you will notice a lot of your coping mechanisms are to disconnect from the body. So I work with a lot of overachievers, high achievers. Some of their coping mechanisms, most of their coping mechanisms is they don't need rest. They don't need to eat, right? They disconnect from their body. They're in survival mode so often.

And such a big part of healing is, can you just notice when you're hungry and go eat? Yeah. Can you actually notice when you're tired and allow yourself to rest? That wasn't safe when the trauma happened, but maybe that could be safe now. And I love that you brought that up, even just the basic human necessities, because I remember that was very much the toxic productivity of New York. of if you're getting rest, you're not doing it right. If you're not hustling.

If you're not doing this and this. And it's like, well, yes, can that breed success and things like that? It's like, sure. But at what cost? At the cost of literally your life? And I was watching a documentary or something the other day. And it was true crime because, hello, I love it. And it was talking about how, I mean, in these terrible fucking moments,

how our body is so strong. It can take some of the craziest pains. And I mean, think about hurting yourself, cutting yourself, breaking a limb. And of course, it's like, what's the first stop? You disassociate. Like, I've had that where I remember even when I got my IUD, which was probably like high up there on one of the most painful experiences. I completely disassociated. I just kind of zoned out.

And I was like, the pain was so intense. I, it was just, it was stagnant in my body. And it was so much for me to handle. I just like, I didn't know what to do. So I just zoned out. I went dorsal and completely shut down. And I think it's so important, even just because I think it's a good place to start for people, something so simple as, when am I hungry, when am I thirsty, when do I need to take a break?

Because rest is equally as important for our bodies as work. Yeah. Or like when does something hurting? You know what I mean? If you're exercising, you're like, oh, that kind of hurts. How many of us have learned to push through? That's the trauma response, right? Like that's a great example.

When you're in that moment, in that survival state, you can do a lot of things. And that is why these coping mechanisms talk about like avoidant and anxious attachment. Think about it. Both of those require self-abandonment. For the avoidant, it's more so disconnecting from emotions and needs and be like, well, I don't need it anyway because they knew they weren't going to get it, right? For the anxious, it might be more so disconnecting from your own needs and prioritizing those of others of like, well, maybe needs for love or affection or connection, right?

Or boundaries. So you have to disconnect from yourself and your needs and your body. in order to survive, right? And like, New York is a great example. I'm from New York, love New York, but the truth is all these people who are saying that, they are living from their trauma responses. That is how they learn to survive and don't get me wrong. It could make you very successful, but at what cost? And trust me, you will crash eventually. And when you crash, it's going to be really, really bad. And I think, you know, honestly, a lot of what we're talking about here is like, I know you talk about like a different paradigm of dating, but a lot of what I talk about is like a

different paradigm of like creating success that you could be successful, whether that's in dating or in your career in any area of your life without the trauma responses, without the abandoning yourself, without the disconnecting. And I think that really starts at reconnecting the mind and the body because there's so much information and wisdom that's in your body that you don't have access to when you're in survival that you really need. And like talk about dating, right? There's so much wisdom in your body about who feels safe, who's right for you. There is so much information there. If you're disconnected from your body, you're getting zero access to that. And then we wonder why we continuously pick the wrong people because you're kind of not utilizing all the information that's

available. You're utilizing a very small percentage of the information that's in the mind. And we think, well, the mind knows best. Yeah. Does it? It's like, and it's funny. Yeah, I was like, I had a client, I'm not going to share anything personal about her, but it was really just about the fact that she felt for somebody wasn't reciprocated, went straight to, I'm being rejected and being rejected and being rejected, and being rejected. And when I really started to chip away at what I started to ask her, I was like, you know what? Did you really know this person? We started to get down to it. Well, I was like, you know what it actually sounds like? I'm like, she made you feel safe. She made you feel accepted and loved and adored. That's why you were like that. And it was like, but she was so disconnected from feeling that it was automatic went straight to, no, I'm being rejected. And it was in that loop, whereas when we can start to connect the dots and go, yeah,

Yeah, well, where am I feeling that? Well, how did I feel when I was with her? That's why it's such an important, oh, I felt safe, seen and heard and understood. Oh, that's because we were talking about that when you can start to have that awareness, the reason you date differently and you can just move with, I can think a bit more of an ease is also because you know it's not personal. You know it's not about you. Think about it. I know when I was a child, the coping mechanisms and the thought process I had was I literally didn't have a choice. You can't just pack up your suitcase at seven and go off and do something. You don't have a choice. So your body, of course, is like, well, we're in this for the long haul kid. Let's just create safety for now. That's the difference,

though, as an adult, we do get to choose what we think, how we feel, things like that. If we have that awareness to start going, well, okay, has this been serving me? What has this been trying to teach me? As I always, I love when you always say, what is this trying to protect you from? That's one of my favorite things that you've taught me is those coping mechanisms are trying to protect you from something. what is it? Yes. And I love what you're saying about being a kid. That's such a great example. And like, think about it for you to survive as a kid, for us to survive painful things as a kid where we have no choice. We can't leave. No. We have to disconnect from the body because that's where the sensations are. That's where the pain is, right? That's where the needs are. And so in order to survive

when our needs are not being met or when there's overwhelming pain and emotions that no one is helping us process is we disconnect from that, right? And so so much of healing is, oh, how do I start, how do I start reconnecting with the body and using those emotions to actually support me? And I think part of like them supporting you is allowing them to processing them, right? Because I think there's, I want to be careful on how I say, you know, emotions are really important and they, they're valuable. They carry valuable information. But if you're in that in the midst of the emotion and you're not fully processing it, it's going to make you do things that are irrational because our emotions are also for survival. And so the things you want to do when you're in the midst of an

emotion are kind of like what you'd want to do out in the wild, right? You might want to attack. You might want to fight. You might want to criticize yourself. And so the work is feeling that emotion, allowing it to complete a cycle in your body. And then on the other side of that, there's the wisdom that that emotion has to offer you. You're kind of like processing that emotion and then alchemizing it into really valuable data and into aligned action, right? Like, that's why I want us to get good at feeling our emotions and processing that information. And the protecting, like, what's it protecting you from? It's, you know, that comes into play because a lot of times we're running from our body and we have

to ask ourselves, what is that protecting me from? Like, not being present in my body in this moment, trying to intellectualize, trying to go in circle, shaming, blaming, pointing fingers. What is that protecting me from? If that wasn't here, what might I have to feel, experienced? And it often, if not always, comes down to probably some kind of sensation in my body, that it feels overwhelming, that I don't know I could deal with. Yeah. Feeling, I would say the number one thing I usually hear is like either I feel like I'm to be rejected. I'm feeling rejected or feeling abandoned. Like when we really start to chip away and I think I would love kind of your take on, okay, so if that is, let's say that's kind of

that core. So it's like, of course, if the thoughts are kind of, well, I feel rejected, I feel rejected. And it's like that's like that's on loop. What would your process be for somebody who's going through that, who might feel like it's constantly an abandonment wound or constantly a rejection wound? How can they sit with that feeling and then start to maybe rewire that? Because, you know, when we start to have contrary beliefs, you're like, you're really being abandoned? You know what I mean? but what's the process prior to getting to that? I'd love to hear your thoughts on that. Yeah.

And I think this is what you were saying before with like you have your own kind of framework. And in many ways, mine is very similar. We just maybe are calling it slightly different things, right? And so when you catch yourself in the midst of an overwhelming emotion, and often an overwhelming emotion is dysregulation, right? Like usually people aren't referring to this when they're saying overwhelming emotion of joy. Right. Sometimes joy could feel unsafe.

That's a different conversation. Yeah. Right. But I think for the most part, like you're saying, rejection abandonment, you're feeling emotions that go hand in hand with you being very dysregulated in that moment. One day, you're negotiating with suppliers. The next, you're installing a shelf in the back room. Running a business means moving in many directions all the time.

TD's new small business banking accounts are built for how your business moves. It's how we're making banking more human. For now, step one is just recognizing there's some kind of dysregulation. Something happened. Right? You might, I know you start with identifying like what triggered you into that and that could be a really great place. If that feels hard, so because sometimes that could feel difficult because your prefrontal cortex is not online. It might just be recognizing, I think I'm dysregulated right now. I'm in the midst of an overwhelming emotion.

It's just like that awareness has to be step one. And then step two through my lens, again, very similar to yours is what's happening in my nervous system? Where am I on the nervous system ladder? right? And your question is what's happening in your body? Right. Yeah. What am I feeling? And I love, can you also elaborate a little bit more on the ladder? Because that was fascinating to me. Yes, absolutely. And so like our questions are actually very similar. Once I explain the ladder, you guys will see very, very similar, right? Because so the nervous system ladder, based on polyvagal theory, it kind of looks literally imagine a ladder for me. And it has three

distinct states, right? At the very top of the ladder, you have your ventral state. This is the state of safety. This is where you feel regulated. In the state, we stay safe through connection, connection with ourselves, our body, our emotions, our nervous systems, but also connection with other people, connection with higher power, if that's something that resonates with it. It's all about connection, right? Now, one step down is sympathetic. Think of this as your fight or flight, right? This is staying safe through mobilization. It's more than fight or flight. It's simply staying safe by mobilizing, doing something. Your body wants to fight the type or your He's like, there's something around me and I want to fight it.

Right? And so your body is mobilizing. And then all the way at the bottom of that ladder is dorsal. This is where your body is trying to stay safe. Your nervous system is trying to stay safe by immobilizing, by shutting down. Right? It's saying, this is too much. I need to disassociate.

I need to remove you. I need to disconnect from emotions because whatever is happening is too overwhelming. We can't fight the tiger. The tiger is going to get us. It's going to eat us. So, hey, let's minimize pain as much as possible. And I think what's so interesting is a lot of people, when it comes to dorsal, they will kind of, I think, misinterpret like, oh, I'm not anxious anymore.

I'm fine. And it's like, sometimes I'm like, no, I think you shut down. I think you're numbing yourself. Yes, absolutely. And so this is where I think I encourage my clients to start with self-awareness of, can you just start recognizing what's happening in your body and the nuances? Not mentally, because I think that those people are just interpreting the states very like mentally of like, oh, my thoughts seem to not be racing. as much. I must be inventual. That's not how I want you to identify. I want you to identify based on what's happening physically in your body. How is your whole body mobilizing and changing? When you go into survival, everything changes. Your saliva changes. Your vision changes. Your muscles, your heart rate. Everything changes. And so if we could start bringing awareness to these

smaller shifts in the body, we could really identify where are we on the nervous system ladder. And if we can accurately identify that, we can then say, hmm, how is this impacting? my story or my narrative because my story always follows my state. So when you're in a survival state, so that's sympathetic, second rung of the ladder or the bottom dorsal rung of the ladder, I want you to imagine it like there's a filter on the world. You are not seeing the world clearly. It's distorted. It's being filtered through the lens of these survival states. Right. So if you're in survival and you're in sympathetic, the stories can be me versus them. What's wrong with me? What's wrong with them? A lot of fight kind of energy, right? And if you're in dorsal,

story is going to be very much, this is hopeless, always, never, right? Again, if you don't recognize that you're endorsal, you might believe that story. You might think that story is just the truth. You're like, well, I'm adventurous. This must be the truth. But if you could recognize, oh, my nervous system is trying to keep me safe, protecting me by shutting down right now. And my story is going to be distorted because of it. That changes things. You're going to be a little less likely to believe that story. Yeah, right? Which is why I have people start to kind of notice their nervous system. It's just a way of bringing their awareness to their body, getting them out of the mind where the story is just going in circles, then they're not going to get out of it, right? Because once you're in survival, your prefrontal

cortex goes offline, meaning you don't have access to executive functioning, problem solving, creative thinking, long-term decision-making, it's not accessible. So if, like, you were giving the example of your client, she's in that state, and you just let her keep going, she's just going to talk in circles. And no matter how much you point out really valid facts, her mind won't let her see that, right? Because that part of her brain is just not online. But if we can get her to kind of start shifting her awareness to her body, which is your question that you ask your clients at this point is very similar. What are you feeling in your body? You're helping them kind of start to create the shift, start to distance from those thoughts, start to question them a little bit more. And again,

the connection between the mind and body is being restored a little bit of like, oh, I have thoughts in my mind, but there's also something happening here physically. And how is whatever happening physically impacting the thoughts? Again, it like brings a little bit of like curiosity and again, reconnects that mind and body. Does that make sense? Totally. And I was going to say, what do you recommend? So obviously if you're working with a coach, they can help you through that.

But for somebody that's not, for somebody, I know it's like, of course, our first thing is always like, you got to regulate. And I know we've talked about actually, could you give us a couple? I know we've talked about some regulation techniques for when you're sympathetic, but what about dorsal? Because that's actually, I'm like, I know I've read like some touch and things like that. But I know that we've discussed that on the ladder, you've got to get back up the ladder. So then you have to get your way through.

So I'd love your thoughts on what do you recommend to people when they're alone? And so they're alone and they're feeling this pain. It's like, what would you advise when you're alone for them to do so that they can effectively feel and process through and not just, okay, I'm going to do some jumping jacks. I still feel this. So I'm just going to ruminate more of a process in that regard. Yeah. So with dorsal, I want to give things that are really simple.

Please. you have to learn. There's so many tools and we can go and list those. But I also just want you guys having just like them having an understanding of the basics of it. Please. So when you're endorsal, there is this intense disconnection, right, from ourselves, from others. And by the way, you know, those people who are saying like, I think I'm fine, but they're actually endorsal. One of the major things you'll notice is, yes, a shutdown in your body, like a lack of sensation, exhaustion, your heart rate slows down. Your breath is barely there. So these are all things I want you paying attention to. You will also notice just a disconnection from other people of just kind of like,

I always explain it as like imagine like plexiglass. Like you see other people, but you can't quite reach them. You can't quite connect to them. It just feels inaccessible. That's also a really important kind of like cue that you are probably endorsal. Just like I can't. There's no point. Like I can't even bother. Right. So just a cue that you're endorsal. Now once you're there, thinking about a gentle return to energy because the body is so shut down at that point. If you tried to do too much, it actually overwhelms the body and you feel even more hopeless. You know, when you're like really dorsal and you're like, I should go for a run. You're like, I can't go for a run and you actually feel worse about yourself.

Right. So we really want to think about gentle return to energy. Very small things that give you a little bit more energy. It might be sitting up and changing your posture. It might be placing your hands on the body. It might be giving yourself a hug. It might be putting some cold water on your face or taking a shower or stepping outside. But I want you to really start with like these little microchanges and then checking it of like,

okay, what's happening? What brings a little bit more energy to your unique nervous system? For me, it might be a cup of tea. For someone else it might be to take a shower, right? It might be these little things, but really small things and paying attention to is that giving a little bit more energy. Can I feel myself slightly moving up? Other things you can think about is like using movement, using breath. So slow, full,

exhales and feeling that comes into your body and reconnecting with your body. Containment. So like in those moments, a hug could feel really good. But let's say you're alone. It might be taking like a blanket or putting on something warm

or putting a hood over your head. Containment feels really safe to our nervous system. So that's why weighted blankets work. Right? So small things like that are also really helpful. And once you feel a little bit more regulated, once you feel a little bit of movement up that ladder,

let's say then you want to sit in the discomfort. So you said you give your clients that advice a lot. Sit in the discomfort. Sitting in the discomfort, once you're feeling a little bit more regulated, we don't want to be completely overwhelmed and trying to sit with a discomfort, right? Once we feel a little bit more regulated, a little bit more in our bodies, we could think of that 90 second clock again and start to say, where am I feeling sensation? This emotion, where am I feeling that?

Is it a tightness in my chest? Is it something in my arms? Where is that? And pinpoint it. A lot of people at this point, okay, pinpointed it. Can I just go back to my mind? No, no.

Once you pinpoint it, get curious about it. This is the befriending of, okay, what does that actually feel like in my body? And one visual I'll sometimes give clients is, imagine the sensation or emotion. Remember, energy is in the body. It's energy in motion, emotions. Yeah.

Yeah. Exactly. It's literally energy in motion, trying to move through the body, trying to complete the cycle. But our mind shuts it down, says, no, no, don't feel. On that note, like, think about how often we do that. As kids, what happens when we're scared? We shake. What happens when we're sad?

We cry. What happens when adults? Do we do either of those things? I mean, I cry a lot. I cry, yeah. But a lot of us stop crying. Right. And a lot of us stop shaking.

What is that? We're disconnecting from the body. We're shoving down emotions. We're not allowing that energy to complete a cycle. we're not allowing that energy to actually move, right? So if you want to feel your emotions and be in the discomfort, recognize where you feel it in the body and get curious about that energy. You might visualize it as a color or as a shape.

I know you've said you do that with clients. That's a really great way of doing it. You could also visualize this energy as like millions and millions of little individual units or bits kind of working and moving together. And you might get curious about what are they doing? Yeah, we did that on our session. Yeah, exactly. And you might visualize like, what are these little bits doing? Are they constricting and tightening? Are they vibrating? Some people will say they're like swirling or they're shaking, right? What are these bits doing? And to understand that, you'd have to really pay attention. You don't have to really pause and be like, is that shaking? No, is that vibrating? Is that tightening? You have to really pay attention and witness it. And then watch it. Watch it of like, okay, if I stay with it, do they tighten more? A lot of people assume it's going to get worse if I

stay with it. What often happens is if you watch it, you're like, oh, no, they start to move a little bit to my throat or they start to disperse through my arms. And then I keep saying, okay, keep watching that. Where are they moving now? And keep following as that energy tries to complete its cycle. And you could even support that. Let's say you're feeling, oh, it's going to my shoulders and my shoulders are tightening. Most people say, oh, just, I need to drop my shoulders. Don't drop your shoulders. Get curious. Your body's really wise. It's like, okay, what if you tighten your shoulders? and then release, right? And like, again, almost like a supporting that energy and moving through you.

I love that. I love that. And so funny, I didn't even realize it's all coming full circle. Shameless plug. I have a clothing company called Software.com. And I started after my mom when she was in the hospitals and she didn't have anything that was comfortable and all of those things. And I never forget over COVID, one of the guys saying, because the hoodies are very fitted

and tailored, saying it makes me feel safe. It makes me feel like my mom's hugging me. And so he's like, when I put it on, I instantly feel. And so that became the thing. Like, it feels like your mother's hug. And now as you described it, I was like, wow. So that is that sensation. That's why sometimes when I feel burned out, shut down, like the dorsal, I'll grab my

software because it does. I put it on. I'm like, my God, this is so comfortable, like a weighted blanket or things like that. It made me just feel safe to at least come back a little bit more to life of like, okay, wow, this feels good. That is such a beautiful example. I love that. a mom's hug. I know. That was a big marketing ploy for us. Not ploy, but that was our

yeah. And it was actually true of what was happening in your life. Wow, that's so beautiful. And you like a moment to take that. I love that. And that is so incredibly true. When we're in dorsal, we need support. And sometimes if that can't be the support of another person, sometimes that's not accessible. Sometimes that doesn't feel safe to us. It could be the support of like something really cozy of like that simply putting on software is you helping regulate your nervous system. It could be a weighted blanket. It could be. sitting on the couch and placing the pillows around you in a way that feels really supportive. Yeah.

That could be supporting yourself. I love doing that. Yeah. That is you regulating yourself and supporting yourself. And it's like, I didn't even realize I was doing all this inadvertently. Like I create a cocoon around me at night because that makes me feel safe in my bed. Because like, even when I have tech eye in there, even when I have my partner in there, I still like to feel not barricaded out, but protected.

Yes. Oh, I love that. Exactly. And that is you supporting your nervous system. making it feel a little bit safer and it makes so much sense that that would then help you relax and be able to go to sleep. Yeah. So those kind of things, it's like, okay, so to feel emotions, we want some combination of we want some safety and some groundedness. So yeah, put on your software, get those pillows, feel your feet on the ground, like feel that support. You can use your breath. That also

helps support you. And then you could, maybe you have enough safety to feel your emotions and to allow them to complete their cycle. And that requires staying in the body for that full 90 seconds. and just tracking those emotions and listening to the body's innate wisdom versus fighting against it. Oh, why is my body so tense? I should stop. It's like, no, okay, I feel it. What happens when I bring my awareness there? What happens if I move with it?

And you're allowing those emotions, energy and motion, to move through you, hopefully for that full 90 seconds. And, you know, emotions are kind of like moving through a tunnel. Right? It's like, it gets dark in the middle, but you have to keep moving. You can't just stop or you just stay in the darkness, which is what a lot of us do with our emotions. We're like, oh, this is too much. I'm just going to stop right here in the middle of this tunnel and it stays dark for a very long time.

It's we have to keep moving through that tunnel. And at the other end where there's that light, we could actually alchemize those emotions into some kind of aligned action of like, wait, there's some wisdom here of even something like feeling abandonment or rejection, right? At the end of that tunnel, when you process it, you might come to the conclusion that you so astutely pointed out, which is I think you're wanting love and support and you're finally feeling that. and that's what you want in a relationship.

So yeah, you had to feel the abandonment and rejection, but you also get to kind of connect to your desires of what you truly want, but you have to move through that emotion to get to the other side to recognize that if you just stop in the middle of the tunnel, all you feel is the abandonment rejection. That's like, to me, that's feeling though, like, I feel stuck. I feel stuck. It's like, because I think, dude, I used to feel that all the time.

I'd be like, I feel so stuck. And it was because, truthfully, I didn't want to admit that person wasn't right for me. that person taught me this because it's easier to hold on to. Well, no, it's me. It's my fault. I fucked up and I'm not good enough or I'm not worthy or I'm going to be abandoned as opposed to letting that pass and having to because I remember I used to even like not tell my friends about guys because I would then have to be held accountable. Because then when they'd say, hey, man, it doesn't sound compatible to you. Well, if you don't know the rest of the story, well, then you can't come back and say that to me. So essentially, I get to live in the victim mode. I get to live in the why is this happening to me versus what's coming up for me and what is this

what is this helping me see? And I think if we can get better at trying to understand what this is, what is our body trying to say to us and things like that, that's why I was, I was working with my client and I kept chipping away at stuff. And I was like, the reason I keep coming back to this, I was like, because if we hold on to a narrative, our body starts to believe that. And so when I hear the number one thing that kind of almost drives me crazy is when people are like, it's so hard. Or my God, this is the hardest thing I've had to do. Letting go of him is so hard. And I always look, I'm like, so if this is hard for you in life, man, I hope I have your life one day. If this is, if all that's hard is trying to move on from a guy that treated you like shit because it hurts,

I'm like, it could feel uncomfortable, it could feel foreign, it could feel hurt. But I'm like, but you keep telling yourself, it's hard, it's hard, your brain's going, well, I can't do it. It's too hard. Let's stop. Versus, if you're climbing a mountain and you know that there's no way out, I might say, it's not hard. It's challenging.

This is different for me. I'm uncomfortable. But I can make it through because I've been through hard. I've been through fucking life where you are kicked down and you're going, okay, now this is hard. So I think if we can start to also reframe of it's not hard, your body's just trying to talk to you. And if we can connect with that, I feel like there's a lot more freedom. Oh, 100%. I mean, so much of what you said, I don't even know where to begin.

But one component of it is you're right. I think people get stuck because it's familiar. And like what your example is. it was familiar for you to feel that way. And what your friends might have said to you or acting differently or telling them the full story would have required doing something different, which feels unsafe to the nervous system.

So we become very attached to these narratives and we kind of keep ourselves stuck because the nervous system doesn't care about growth, cares about you feeling safe and safety is what's familiar. Right. So we do stay stuck in these narratives. Now, the other piece of it that you're saying, though, is really important as well, which is if you tell yourself it's hard,

going to be hard. You have a part of your brain, the RAS, which its whole job is it takes the ideas and the beliefs that you give it. And it's like, okay, I'm going to confirm those. It's like a filter. It filters out everything that does not match your beliefs. It filters it out. You don't see it. So if your belief is, this is hard. Dating sucks. There's no good men. Whatever the belief is, your mind's literally filtering out proof of otherwise. Exactly. And it is only showing you how hard it is. It is only showing you the shitty men, right? Like we need to understand that is how our brain function. So what we put into that is really important.

But to start changing those beliefs, that's tricky. And I think people get put up as like, no, I just can't change my beliefs. It's like to change your beliefs, you actually start needing your emotions. You need to start getting a little more regulated. And once you're in a more regulated place, once you've walked to that emotional tunnel, there is opportunity there to start to change those beliefs, to give yourself new narratives, to give that the RAS like new things to look for, you know, but I think people get very stuck in it because they're like, well, it's really hard to change my beliefs and I keep thinking this.

So it must be the way it is. And it's like, no, it's hard because you're not actually feeling your emotions. You're not ever getting regulated. Right. And then, yeah, it is impossible to change those beliefs and everything everyone's saying isn't working for that reason. Yeah, I experienced that my last story. I experienced that this past weekend when I am not technologically advanced, although I'm

millennial, I still am like, Mr. Magoo. I'm just like, how do you turn the computer on? So I, my brother taught me this whole program to edit podcast because I'm a firm believer, especially as a business owner, that I want to learn how to do everything so that I also know what my strong suits are and where my weaknesses are and where to pass things off. But for me, I don't want to be beholden to anybody. So, okay, I need to figure out how to edit my own episodes and do all the audio. And I know, I know, it's not perfect. But hey, we're trying. And I had, we had a part where when Leo and I were recording this week's episode, he, he like had a brain fart. And he was like, all right, just edit this out and my brain went into panic of, wait, what? No, I don't make me do this. What do you? And it was like,

I just sat there. And so I was like, okay, okay, it's fine. It's fine. I like wrote in my notes. Okay, cut out this part just because he needed a minute. And then Saturday, I was like, okay, I put it in my calendar Monday. I'm going to edit the podcast to have it ready. I went full on dysregulation. I remember sitting watching a movie and I felt my, I literally thought, I thought about, okay, my note thing came up of like Monday, edit the episode. And I went right into sympathetic where I felt like all of this energy. everything and I kept ruminating. Oh my God, you can't do this. You're going to fuck this up. You're going to not be able to do this. And that thought kept going. And I literally was like, okay, the trigger was something that makes me feel inadequate. I was able. And I actually had to sit and I said, okay, you're feeling this here. What is it feel like? What is this? Where is you feeling? Where is it feeling? Okay, is it really? Where is it? Is it really? It took me about like a couple minutes. Okay. Is it heavy? Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. And I literally did that. And then once I sat through the emotions, it took me about like a couple minutes. Kind of same thing. then I had to go, okay, so what is my narrative that I'm not going to be able to do this?

And I was like, so that's a core belief that I don't think I'm good enough, that I don't think I deserve this or I'm worthy or whatever, whatever, all those fucking things. And so I just had to start coming some contrary beliefs. Am I completely abandoned on doing this? No, I can call my brother. My brother is an expert at this. No, I can YouTube videos. And I stopped and I was like, anticipatory anxiety is not going to help me here.

So, we'll cross that bridge. Sure enough, not only did I edit it, I didn't even need help. I was able to do it and I was so proud that I was like, wow, I talked myself off the ledge. I was able to realize all of those. I was able to see the narrative I was playing for myself in my own limiting beliefs because spoiler alert, I'm fucking human. And then I was able to face my fears and now say, do I want to edit again? No, but can I?

Yes. And I don't need to be scared of that because it's the tiger that didn't exist. I freaking love that. I think that is the most beautiful example of like everything we spoke about. And I love that you recognize the state, you came into your body, you sat with the sensations and the emotions and helped them move them. You walk through that emotional tunnel. And on the other side was aligned action. You're like, oh, I actually feel inadequate.

I have emotions of inadequacy that go way, way, way, way, way back. And I'm actually going to allow myself to feel and process that. And once I do that, once I've processed them, I could take aligned action to create a new belief. Yeah, to contradict that of, oh, I think I'm inadequate. Let me show myself how adequate I am. I think I'm not supported. I think I'm alone. Let me show myself how supported I am, how many people I have there to help me. And now you're creating new beliefs. But you had to, hey, recognize your state, be in your body, feel those sensations, recognize the emotions that are serving you, hold space for that. Talk about like inner child work, right? When you start being in your body and feeling your emotions, you're going to recognize the emotions of the inner child that she's feeling that she's been holding on. to that is just like such a beautiful, full circle. Like what's possible when we actually feel our emotion, not think about them, not intellectually. Imagine you kept sitting there and ruminating on it and trying to like talk yourself out of not feeling good enough.

You couldn't have talked yourself out of it. No, I've tried. I've tried before. And instead, what I tried to do was nobody was there when I was a kid to say, hey, you are good enough. You don't need to prove this. You are, you're going to be okay. And you know what? Even if you don't do well, you have support to make sure that it'll all be okay,

no matter what. There are ways out of this versus victim mentality. Oh, there's nothing. And I don't know what to do. So I wanted to share that experience because I thought, yet again, what an amazing fucking episode we had. And I'm so excited. And again, if anybody ever wants to work with you, where can they find you? And for the program. Yes. So you could find me. I am most active on Instagram. I am trying on TikTok, guys. So on Instagram, I am M-A-S-H-A-K-A-Y. And on TikTok, I am coach Basha K, same spelling. And I do. I have the group program. We have five spots opening for August. So every two months, we open a few spots, but we have five spots for August. So if you guys are interested, you could schedule a nervous system audit session with me where we kind of go into

how is your nervous system impacting your goals, whether that be in your career and your relationship wherever. And then we'll actually set some aligned goals based on what we talk about. So I kind of find that it's hard for people to understand what doing the work actually means. Like, what is that journey going to look like? What would be an appropriate goal? So that's what we do in the nervous system audit section. We identify how your nervous system is impacting you. We set some aligned goals.

And if that aligns with the program, then I would love to have you. So yeah, follow me there. We'll have a link to sign up for a nervous system audit and for the group program if you're interested. Yes. I will link everything in the show notes. I'll put her Instagram and everything, but in case anybody can't find you. and I highly suggest the course because I'm in it. Yay, maybe biased. But it's been amazing. I've been

learning so much. And it's not just if you're a coach or if you're doing this. This is for you. This is for yourself. But if you are a coach or you are somebody like I know we have therapists in there and things like that, it can just further your knowledge, whether you're a novice or somebody that's been doing this for a while. I'm learning. I think all of us are learning. And I want to be a forever student myself anyways. So, but thank you so much for coming on for another awesome episode. This was amazing. Thank you for having me. I love being here. Well, have you back in August. Yeah, absolutely.

Chia for now, friends. Bye.