The Sabrina Zohar Show - 26: Buzzwords part 2! Situationships, breadcrumbing, stonewalling, slow fade, negging and emotionally unavailable

Episode Date: July 14, 2023

On this weeks episode of The Sabrina Zohar Show, Sabrina goes over buzzwords part 2! Situationships, bread crumbing, stonewalling, slow fade, negging and emotionally unavailable. She goes over how to identify each and what to do when you do. Want to work with Sabrina? HERE! Stuck After the Podcast? Master Implementation in 8 Weeks with Sabrina's Foundation Course Join the Make It Make Sense: Getting Through a Breakup course HERE! Get Ad-free episodes and 2 Bonus episodes a month HERE! Dont forget to follow Sabrina and The Sabrina Zohar Show on instagram and Sabrina on Tik tok! Video now available on YOUTUBE!  Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formally known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A.Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to another episode of Do the Work podcast. My name is Sabrina Zohart and I am your host. Guys, I'm excited we have another solo episode. We've been doing a lot of guest episodes recently. So I'm excited that I can come back solo and we could do Buzzwords Part 2. So today we're talking about situation chips, breadcrumbing, stonewalling, slow fade, nagging, and a little bit about emotionally unavailable. Next week's episode was Zoe Crook, one of my favorite therapists.

We go really into that. So I didn't want to go too, too much into it. But we do touch on. So I'm super excited. And guys, again, thank you for everybody. Thank you so much for all the support. I have everything linked in the show notes. Should you need anything for me, tech I and I are doing our dating app audits, which have been awesome. And people have had really, really great success with all of the feedback that we've been giving them. the new Facebook group. It's a free support group on Facebook, do the work podcast. Everything is linked in the show notes and that same link. You can find it all. There's a free guide in there to help with how to heal anxious attachment style and self-soothing techniques. It gives you kind of a bullet point.

So as always, any resources you want to ask me a question directly, all found in there. So I'm excited. And please, please, don't forget to rate the podcast. I know I start the episode by saying this, but I'm just going to reiterate how important it is. If you haven't already, it would mean the world. And thank you to everybody. We are close. Tech Guy is going to be on the podcast. when we get to 250,000 followers on Instagram, and we're at 176,000. So don't worry, guys, he's coming soon. Okay, enough about that. I'm going to shut my mouth.

Let's get right on into this episode. All right. Guys, another solo episode. It's been actually far too long, in my opinion. So I really got to get back to these. But I'm super excited. And I first just want to take a second just to thank everybody that has been helping. For everybody that has left a five-star review, seriously, I can't tell you how much that

helps. I can't tell you how much that means. And I really, really, really, really hope that you guys know how appreciative I am and how much it actually helps me. Because by leaving a review, it allows the podcast to be seen by more people. And it gives me a greater chance of being able to climb the rank. So if you haven't already, please, please, please, leave a five-star review on whatever platform you're on. It would truly mean the world. So thank you guys again. And I'm so stoked. So today, I want to go over some of the biggies. I think situation chip, breadcrumbing, stonewalling, slow fade and negging. Those are the ones I'd really like to get onto. Emotionally and available, you guys will hear next week more with Zoe, so I'm not going to bore too much. But I kind of want to

just jump right on in to what a situation ship is. And if you ask me, I think first I'll go with what the actual definition is. It's like a romantic or sexual relationship that is not considered to be formal or established. And pretty much to me, what I've always kind of seen this as is like a situation sounds like a breakdown in communication. Because so often when I talk to people and I'll hear all of these things about situation chips. The number one thing I hear for most people is like, I'm scared to open up, I'm scared to express myself, I'm scared to say how I feel. And it usually revolves around because I'm scared that the person's going to leave me or I'm

going to be too much. And it's like, I'm sorry, first of all, if I can't even openly express myself to somebody and I'm not saying like trauma dump on them or be like super super, you know, texting all the time, I'm saying if you can't even simply say something like, you know, hey, that bothered me. Or, you know, hey, I'm thinking about you. You know, I'd love to, like, see you again. Or, you know, what are your intentions with dating? What is it that you wanted of a relationship?

Like, if you can't have open and honest dialogue with the person that you're dating, one that says a lot about your own emotional availability, which is like, are you in touch with your own feelings? Are you in touch with your own emotions? Are you sitting with yourself? Are you becoming more comfortable with expressing your wants, needs, and desires? And so often, a lot of this stems from childhood. Like, if you weren't able to express your needs or really.

connect with yourself, then as an adult, that might feel really, really strange. And so situation chips can often feel safer because you don't have to show that vulnerable side of you. It's very ambiguous. Nobody really knows what's happening. And it's a very like, well, maybe if I just don't say anything, it'll just magically turn into what I want. But unfortunately, the reality hits that, like, you're not going to get what it is that you want unless you fucking ask for it. And so I think a lot of the times what happens with a situation ship is like you start to feel rejected because the person doesn't want you fully and you start to feel like there's resentment that starts to build in of like, well, they're treating me like their girlfriend and we spend all this time together and we do all this

stuff, but I'm still not having my needs met. And it's like, again, if you don't ask for your needs to be met, then they're not going to be. And so how do you tell that you're in a situation? And so there's no progress in the relationship. Like you're not meeting friends and family. There are like they potentially they could be dating other people. This person doesn't want to have exclusivity, last minute or short plans. They're inconsistent. It's always they're just so busy. And it's just full of bullshit excuses as to why this person can't show up for you in the

ways that you actually need them to. And the biggest thing I think is like the conversation is usually minimal. It usually revolves around sex. And I'll have people that are like, no, my situation chip. Like we have all these in-depth conversations and we're always talking about emotions and feelings. And it's like, sure, maybe about life. but that person, first of all, if they're talking to you about what their intentions are in a relationship and all that, it's like, then there's two parts to this. Either they're lying to you. If they're telling you that they want something with you, but then their actions aren't matching it. Okay, that's not an alignment. Or two, you're kidding yourself. If you actually think that this person is being emotionally available and open to you, if you guys aren't even talking about like, what is that you want in a relationship, how do you see this progressing, what your intentions are, you know, having the wood or we conversation of like, you know, I kind of giving some kind of title.

or putting a boundary around what the time is that you're spending with this person. Because it's really important to make sure that it's a reciprocal chase. You don't want to run after somebody that's running away from you. And so oftentimes with situationships, they usually revolve mostly around sex. And so it's a lot about the casual encounter and the fling. And you kind of fall into this again because it usually stems around a fear of addressing your own needs. And for, I think, a lot of people, it can feel selfish to talk about your own needs. It can feel like wrong to talk about your own needs and say, oh, no, that, that feels weird.

I'm just going to stay quiet because I'll push them away. You only push somebody away that doesn't have the same intentions as you. Let me repeat that again. You're only going to push somebody away that doesn't have the same intentions as you. So if somebody that, if you, listen, you like this person, right, you want to see if this goes anywhere, you want to have like the, meet the friends and the family and progress in the relationship and have your ride or die, do you really think that if that person also wanted that,

that they're not going to admit to that when you fucking talk to them about it? No, again, you're only going to push away somebody that doesn't have the same intentions as you do or doesn't want the same things as you do. So you'll get, like Case Kenny said, you'll get one of two things. You'll get what you want. You'll get what you want, which is that person

and the relationship that you want, which is of depth and communication and honesty and vulnerability. Or you'll get what you need, which is fucking clarity. And you'll actually know where this. person stands. And so I think it's really important to start to look at like what are the conversations you're having with these people that you're dating. And if you're scared to have these conversations, and again, I would start to look at your own availability with your emotions and where these core beliefs and fears are coming from because this has nothing to do with the other person. And when we meet,

when we make the assumption, oh, I'm going to be too much or they're going to run away. What you're saying is you are making the determination for them that they will not be able to meet your needs. And oftentimes, one, maybe they will and they just don't know what your needs are because you're not expressing yourself. But two, then it's like, yeah, maybe you're right. Maybe they won't be able to handle your needs. That doesn't make it that your needs are too much or that you are not allowed to ask for those needs. It just means that that person is not the person for you. And instead of conforming and trying to mold and shape yourself into somebody that is going to work better for them, then maybe start to think about living unapologetically as yourself, loving

who the fuck you are and showing up is that so that you can allow people in your life that receive that well, not that want you to change yourself or minimize yourself or mold yourself. Because, hey, here's the thing. I'll never forget. I was talking to my sister a few months ago. And we were walking. And I said, I don't know. I just always feel like I'm too much. I always feel like I'm too much. And she said, where did you learn that from? And it hit me at that moment. And I said, dad, dad, I swear I learned it from. She said, what are you talking about? I said, well, he was emotionally unavailable. He could not attune to our needs. Instead, he would hit us. He would walk out. He would leave. Like, there was just no way that he was able to be there to support us in the

ways that we needed. And as a child, again, egocentric age, I couldn't look at my caregiver as the threat. I couldn't look at my dad and say, oh, it's because he has his own shit and he's a narcissist and he's not able to do, da, duh. So instead I internalized, oh, it must be me. My needs are too much because if they weren't, then my caregiver would be able to be there for me. And that's where core beliefs. It's the same with like the fear of rejection. That really revolves around feeling like you're going to be judged or left and and ridiculed for who you are. The fear of abandonment, that person's going to walk out and leave. But it's again, the biggest thing that we also have to remember, you're not dating your father or your mother. You're not dating your caregiver.

You are dating a person that you don't actually fucking know that well. And so if your needs are too much for them, great. Then let them go find somebody that has less needs from them and you can find somebody that is actually going to be there instead of getting yourself into situation chips. So do not self-abandon when you're in dating. Don't push your own wants and need to side for somebody else. Instead, look at the core root. What is that protecting you from? Think about them. What is that protecting you from? If you're a people pleaser, what's that protecting you from? Because you're so used to that your needs don't matter. Growing up, it was always that you to take care of everybody else and so you feel selfish if you put yourself first.

But again, don't forget, the coping mechanisms you created in childhood ultimately become the challenges you face in adulthood. Oh, it's one of my favorite things I saw that the other day and I loved it. So as far as situationships are concerned, I'm just going to go full force on. It's a breakdown in communication. Be clear, be concise, and be honest. You want that love? You want that ride or die.

You want that fucking person that's just, going to like understand you that the minute you look at them, they're going to know how you feel. Communication is everything. And so right now, if you are scared to talk to somebody, I encourage you to have that conversation. Push yourself into doing something that's different for you. Remember, what you've been doing hasn't been working. So hey, might as well try something else, right? So that kind of brings us into the slow fade. I think the slow fade is something that a lot of people do or don't understand. And it's very different than ghosting. Ghosting as we talk. about is an abrupt ending in the middle of nothing. Everything was going fine. It was kosher.

Like my friend just texted me just today. She had a guy and they had gone on like five or six dates, like enough to like five, six, seven dates, enough to like have a rapport with somebody at the very least that you could like text them and tell them that you're not interested or whatever. And the dude just like, that's it. She didn't hear from him. And he showed up like maybe three weeks later. And she, the first thing she said, who is this? And ironically, I think she, I think in the back of her mind, she knew who it was, but she was kind of like, in all due fairness. And the guy was like, oh, sorry, sorry. Yeah. Like, I was just, you know, super busy and swamped and was going through some stuff. But like, hey, I'd love to see you again.

And then she called me and she said, what do you think? And I think it's bullshit. I said, because it's not that that something happened. It's not that something transpired. It's that this person couldn't communicate that with you. And so that is like proper ghosting where like everything was great. She asked him to hang out again. And she was like, I'd love to see you like showing fucking reciprocity. And. Nope, that was it, never heard from him for weeks. Now, the slow fade is different. The slow fade is not like an old-fashioned breakup or ghosting.

The slow fade leaves you under the oppression that you're still seeing someone who is maybe just busy or has demands other than that and that they're waiting for them to smooth out. Meanwhile, they have very much made the decision to move on. And what does that look like? I mean, we've all experienced this. Let's not. I have experienced this personally. And I don't think I've ever done this to anybody because I, you know me, I'm going to be very upfront and honest. I don't need to hide or lie to anybody.

It sounds like a waste of fucking time. But it sounds, what it really is, is like they take longer time to respond. It's shorter and less enthusiastic. They stop making plans. Pretty much what it is at the end of the day is like, you're no longer a priority. And that's,

it's a hard pill to swallow. But like we've all, I kind of described this and this is what happens, especially with the like, oh my God, we've been texting every single day. And we were, da, duh, and everything was amazing. And like, maybe you had one date. Maybe you had a couple of days.

dates and all of a sudden you start to see the behavior change or even if you're dating for months where it's like you used to talk to them all the time not talking to them as much oh all of a sudden they're taking longer and longer to text you you notice a clear shift they're not asking you to hang out as much anymore they're just they're doing the slow fade they might give you a little they might give you a breadcrumb they might give you a scosh of something but overall their interest in you is starting to fade. And so instead of them just breaking it off with you, because, hey, some people want to keep you as the option, not the choice, and they want to have you around, but they don't necessarily

want to make any kind of commitments. And even if you try to call them, they're probably not going to fucking answer. Because again, they're trying to fade out slowly without doing a proper breakup. And it's not that they just want to ghost you all together. But in their mind, it's very much, they'll get the hint. They'll understand. So if somebody is trying to slow fade, do them the favor. just end it or say, hey, I've noticed that, you know, it seems like our interactions are getting

shorter and shorter. And I'm not really feeling that same reciprocity that I did when we first started dating. So I think it's best if we just call it a day. I truly wish you all the best and thank you so much or whatever the fuck you want to say. So I think that's really important. And oh my God, I can't believe I missed one of my favorite things to talk about, which is breadcrumming. Breadcrumming kind of has something to do in line with the situation ship. So, let's get into one of my favorite terms that I use all the time. Breadcrumming, what is that? It's when someone leads you on with no real intention of developing a relationship.

And so I get this all the time. How can I tell somebody is breadcrumbing me versus that's just who they are? And it's like, oh, trust me, babe, you know when somebody's breadcrumming you. And it's, it can be really hurtful and it's confusing because it's kind of essentially it's like, again, they're leaving a trail of crumbs and they're giving you just enough. Just enough, kind of like a situation ship. A situation chips, they will breadcrum you to kind of keep you going. They give you just enough of a morsel of a crumb to satisfy that minute of a need to keep you going.

And so there's also, there's various factors that can come into play with like why somebody is breadcrumming. And it's like low self-esteem. You could have personality disorders. Like that's why let's get rid of if he wanted to. He would. Bullshit, nonsense. Let's move on from that. Because it's not about wanting.

I actually had a client today. and we were talking about that. And it has nothing to do with wanting. It has to do with not having the bandwidth and the tools. But anyways, let's get back to breadcrumming. And so oftentimes, breadcrumming can kind of go in alignment with gaslighting because somebody is giving you so little. But when you call them out on it, they'll gaslight you to think,

oh, my God, you're just being so dramatic. God, I called you. And so what can breadcrumming look like? So it's sending out flirty or affectionate cues without a real intention of a commitment. A person uses this manipulation and inconsistent behavior just enough to keep the other person attracted. So they might make plans but cancel or no-show or they're always too busy and they'll go, you know, periods of time with being absent.

But then the second you get that text from them, you're back on the hook, there's the crumb. Think about it. You're just, you're starved for that need. You're starved for having your needs met. And so even just something is small as a text or, hey, you're free tomorrow. or want to hang out or something like that. If you, like I said, if you are not feeling fulfilled or satisfied in this companionship, then you are being breadcrumbed.

No, this does not mean just because somebody is not texting you every day. I'm not talking about just one aspect of it overall. And I find that usually people that have to ask, like, am I being breadcrumbed? You probably are being breadcrumbed. It's bullshit. Needless to say. And so like another way to tell is like they'll be flirty, but they don't ask you out. they'll message you high or compliments, but they avoid meeting.

They comment on social, but they don't send a DM or text. Like there's no real conversation besides memes. What I'm trying to say is there's no real depth to what they're offering you and they're literally just giving you enough to keep you in their life. And so why? It's because they're leaving a trail of crumbs and seeing you come back for more. It also makes them feel wanted and worthy. Let that one sink in.

I mean, it's also avoidance do that. They'll withdraw from the intensity and vulnerable feeling. It's really so that the other person can feel like they just have all these options. But remember, you're just not the choice. And that is not something that we are going to accept anymore. So let's get on to another one of my favorite buzzwords. Negging. Negging was something that I think a lot of people actually were not familiar with.

And I think the independent reached out to me to do an article on it and just kind of give my thoughts on it. But negging is very much a manipulation tactic. And negging is actually quite subtle. if you don't really know what you're looking for or if you have low self-esteem. So what is negging? It's a manipulative tactic used in dating and relationships where one person makes backhanded compliments or subtly criticizes the other person to undermine their confidence

and gain control over them. Thank you, psychology today. And so the goal, what is the goal of negging? It's to target and feel, is to make the person that you're targeting feel insecure or uncertain about themselves, which will make them more receptive to the manipulators' advances. And so here are some examples of negging. And we have all been there. We have all experiences.

You're pretty attractive for someone who doesn't usually dress up. Oh, wow, you actually look good without makeup. Oh, so it's a backhanded compliment, but that also makes you start to feel insecure. Or another example that they had used, oh, you're a lawyer, that must be nice, but I guess it's not as impressive as being a doctor. Yeah. You're pretty funny for a girl. Most girls aren't that entertaining. There's another comparison.

So you're not like other girls who are such high maintenance. How refreshing. So what it does is it makes, it disarms you. It kind of you're like, um, thank you. Or you have a great smile, but your nose is a bit too big. So these are all different ways. So you could point out a flaw, it's comparison, playful teasing, undermining achievements, compliment with an insult. It's fucked up. Okay. There's no other way to say this. But it's important to understand that like negging is not healthy and that is very disrespectful in dating. And it's really, it's designed it's to manipulate and control the other person. I think we all understand that like healthy relationships are built on trust and honesty and

receptivity and clear communication and dialogue. And it's not from somebody that's going to give you a backhanded compliment. It's not from somebody that's going to put you down. It's not from somebody that's going to listen, what are we in fucking high school? though if you tease a girl, then that's how you're going to make her, let her know that you want her. It's like, I just think if somebody is being, if somebody is being disrespectful to you in the way that they're speaking to you, even if it's a, I'm just kidding. No. No, no, no, no. No. Sorry. That's just I don't, I don't flirt that way is where I'm going. So that's kind of my thing. Let's get on to another buzzword. We are banging him out.

folks. And I'm doing this because I really want to clearly articulate what these terms mean so that you can start assessing your own relationships and be like, oh, fuck, am I dealing with this right now? Especially a situation ship. Especially that for all of my situation ship folks. Yeah. Our next word is stonewalling. We have all experienced somebody who stonewalls. We have all. And so it's a persistent refusal to communicate or express emotion. So they shut down. And oftentimes they can't handle it. And so one of the most prevalent ways is a narcissism. And they use it because it's uncomfortable. They don't know how someone will respond and they don't have the bandwidth to handle the conversation. And so they'll emotionally close themselves off. And that's it. And so you can get the silent

treatment. So one person will just completely ignore you. They'll walk away. They'll give short monosyllable answers or they'll avoid eye contact. Now, yes, a lot of avoidance will use this because for them, they're dysregulated. So there's a difference. Let me clarify the difference here. somebody avoidant is just that they shut down because emotions don't feel safe and they were never taught kind of how to how to handle all of this. And so while they might shut down, they're not using the silent treatment to punish you. They might say, listen, I just need some space. Please, I just need a minute. Can you just give me a minute? Or can you just give me a couple of days, please? Very different. They're feeling dysregulated and they are trying to find safety.

Versus stonewalling. It's a very specific act to kind of punish the other person. person. And so they'll emotionally shut down. And so that person might become distant and attached. They'll have a blank expression, show no emotional response or pure disinterested in the conversation when you're talking to them. And there's also, there's two different things. So there is unintentional stonewalling, which is kind of like that where you shut down and you're kind of just like, oh shit, did I lose this person? Kind of avoid it. Then there's the intentional stonewalling. The intentional stonewalling is just that. You're being very intentional. And so they'll or, you know, you could have delayed responses.

And so you could ask them a question and they'll say something like, use an excuse, like, I need time or I'll talk about this later with you. They're not clearly articulating anything. And this tactic could be used to avoid and address the issue and prolong the discomfort for the other person. Very different than I'm feeling overwhelmed. I need to process this. Can I have a day?

Very different. Deflection or changing the subject is another way that they use. Deflection, I see all the fucking time. All the time. but rather than engage in the topic, the person changes the subject or reflects the conversation away from the issue. And so they'll redirect the focus

to something unrelated or trivial. They'll effectively, they're avoiding the topic and preventing meaningful conversations. And so this person does not want to have the talk that you are trying to have. And now, of course, now we have through technology. Though a person might read your message and intentionally not respond,

they'll ignore your calls or text, they'll block the other person on social media to create a barrier of communication. And now, if you are dealing with anybody that is stonewalling you, let's call it what it is, a waste of your fucking time. Again, clear, honest communication is the number one part and part of a successful relationship. That is truly how you're going to be able to create a relationship of depth, of love, of understanding.

Here's that. Whether they're avoidant or not, let's just call it here. Whether they're avoidant or not, what does it really matter? would be my question. Because if somebody is shutting down, whether they're doing it out of malice or if not, the point is, if this person is not able to be there for you

and attuned to your emotional needs and at the very fucking least just be able to support you, then what does it really matter what the terminology is? Tech guy said something the other day that really stuck out to me. And he was like, I'm kind of sick and tired of hearing about all this attachment style stuff. And I said, why?

He said, because people are using it like fucking astrology. And I was like, ooh, that's a good one. there's a lot of this like self-identification through things of like, well, they must be this and they must be that. No, maybe we're just humans and there's a lot of new ones. And so that's kind of it. I'll get all the time like, how do I know he's not interested or if he's avoiding? And I'm like, again, what does it matter? What is the difference between it?

What matters is your needs aren't being met. So if your needs aren't being met, then what does it matter if you're sticking around or not? So if somebody's breadcrumbing you and just giving you a little bit but you don't feel satisfied, What does it matter whether they're avoidant or they're doing this because they're an asshole? It doesn't matter. The result is your needs aren't being met. And if you continue to self-abandon, the reason I'm going over these terms is because I just want you to even have an understanding of what these terms are.

Not because we're trying to psychoanalyze other people or we're trying to attach to an attachment. So let me just clarify. Okay. Let's get on to benching. What is benching? What is benching, you ask? So benching is keeping someone on the sidelines by intermittently engaging with them, but not fully committing or pursuing a serious relationship.

So benching kind of also goes in line with breadcreming and situationships. So you kind of see how this is all becoming full circle. So when someone is benched, they'll experience sporadic interactions with this person when they're interested in that, but then a lack of consistency in progress. So one day, you'll hear from them all the time and then the bencher likes the attention of multiple people who, without the commitment. That's why that person's benching all these people. They get validation from it.

They aren't sure. usually it's people that are emotionally unavailable. And so they just like to have all these options and none of them actually get super serious. So instead they're, again, they're keeping you as the option of the choice. Not the choice. They take you down off the ledge when they want to play with you, but they are not there when you need them. So this is also somebody who is unsure about their own feelings. They'll be reluctant to let go of other people. And so what's super important is to set clear expectations, boundaries and express your needs. If you are somebody that feels like you are being benched right now, then start to ask yourself, do I deserve this or do I deserve better? And clearly articulate to them,

listen, I'm really intentional with the way that I date. I don't want a casual fling and it doesn't seem like we're in alignment with what it is that we want. Because here's the thing. Again, you'll get what you want or you'll get what you need. You'll get clarity or you'll get a further conversation with this person to maybe have a relationship with them. But yeah, essentially, being benched is a roster. That's it. It's somebody having a roster again. They have all these options, but they don't want to make a choice. And so all of these terms kind of come together. And so next week, emotionally available was another one I wanted to talk about.

Next week, Zoe's episode is pretty much all about emotionally unavailable. So I was like, I don't need to go too far in. But somebody who's emotionally available is someone who doesn't respond to your emotional needs or cues and their emotional needs are cues. It really starts within themselves. If they can't attune to their own emotional needs and understand what it is, is that they want, how do you think they're going to be able to attune to your emotional needs? So somebody emotionally and available is they have difficulty expressing or handling emotions and getting close to people.

So it could be avoidance. It could be life circumstances. And it also could be anxious folks because what we all like to forget is that anxious attachment is also avoidant. Anxious people also struggle to connect with others. Because every, think about both of those insecure. Same with fearful avoidant, dismissive avoidant, all of them. all of the insecure attachments are emotionally unavailable because they are also not connected

to their own wants, needs, and desires. I know all my anxious were about to poo-poo the avoidance, but babies, it's you too. It's not just one. It's really important to understand kind of all of these aspects because somebody emotionally unavailable is going to breadcrum you. So it's like if you find somebody where it's like you are just, they're always on your mind and you can't get them off, but they're breadcrimming you and not fulfilling your needs and they're starving you of your basic needs.

You don't know what's going to happen. So you hyper-focus, you talk to your friends because you're trying to make sense of what's going on. And that comes from emotional unavailability. You get excited when you see their name on your phone and you get butterflies and that's because they're super inconsistent. And you get excited because you never know. And it could stem from one of your caregivers is inconsistent.

So now you chase that. You know, when they text you, the high is so high because you just don't know when that's going to come. They're not consistent. And when they text you, it's, oh, I got, I feel, chosen. I feel proven. Oh my God, I'm proving myself. And then when they don't, somebody had said this the other day, which when we put somebody in a pedestal, you are reliving the parent-child dynamic. You are putting them above you as a caregiver. Almost as if they have information about you that you

don't and that they have figured out all of these things about you, that you have it. Oh, yeah, who knew? And so you also, somebody that's emotionally unavailable, you feel drawn to them in person because they're so unclear. And so you feel like you're chosen because they're so busy that you feel like they finally were able to prioritize you so you feel special to be with them. Now let me explain something here, my babies. None of this is healthy or secure. And none of this is anything that you should be dealing with. Because you do deserve better.

I could sit here and tell you that all fucking day. I could sit here and tell you how amazing you are, how magical you are, how beautiful, how smart, how successful, how charming, how all of these things. But you'll only see it when you believe it. And that's kind of the point of all of this. It's like you could sit and you could hit your head against a fucking rock and you're waiting for it to bleed, but you're the only one that bleeds. Because at the end of the day, there has to be a harsh reality to accept,

oh shit, I need to see this. I can't be constantly seeking for other people to see it. I have to see it within myself. Otherwise, this is how you get into these, this. Low self-esteem, low self-worth, not seeing yourself as enough, as valuable. That's all inner child work. That's all reparenting yourself in the ways that somebody wasn't there for you. Challenging your thoughts, knowing your triggers, understanding what it is that you want.

You deserve better. But again, you'll continue to receive what you continue to allow. So if I've gone over any of this and any of these have sparked you to say, oh, fuck, I think this is me. Great. Let today be day one of you choosing you, not you choosing other people over you. Let that one sing. So baby, I love you guys.

Another awesome episode. I'm so stoked that we could buzzwords part two. Thank you guys for everything. As always, you know that if you ever need me, I'm going to link it in the show notes. You can always contact me if you need anything. Tech Guy and I are doing our dating app audits, which have been so much fun. And so if you guys need us, you send in your profile and we will edit it. We will tell you all the things that need to be fixed and all the reasons that you're not having success and all the good things that you're doing.

Or if you want to work with me one-on-one, anything you ever need, link in bio. I'm adding new books as well to the Amazon store. So if you guys ever need anything, you know that it's always there. And oh, don't forget to join the Facebook group. There is a free Facebook group for support. And I chime in every Sunday and I'll sometimes chime in randomly. But I really, really want to create a community where you guys feel safe and not alone because you're not.

You have me at the very least. So on that note, I love you guys so much. Thank you for another rockin episode of Do the Work. And I can't wait for next week's episode with Zoe because that is going to be fucking awesome. Until next time, my friends.