The Sabrina Zohar Show - 28: Red + Green flags in dating and going slow vs ambivalence in dating!

Episode Date: July 28, 2023

On this weeks episode of The Sabrina Zohar Show, Sabrina goes over what are red and green flags and the difference between someone going slow and ambivalence in dating. Want to work with Sabrina? HERE! Stuck After the Podcast? Master Implementation in 8 Weeks with Sabrina's Foundation Course Join the Make It Make Sense: Getting Through a Breakup course HERE! Get Ad-free episodes and 2 Bonus episodes a month HERE! Dont forget to follow Sabrina and The Sabrina Zohar Show on instagram and Sabrina on Tik tok! Video now available on YOUTUBE!  Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formally known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A.Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. Guys, we are back for another solo episode. We're going over today, green and red flags and dating, which I think has been a huge point of contention and I'm excited to clear a lot of this up and the difference between going slow and being ambivalent slash emotionally unavailable in dating. Honestly, one of the biggest topics that I think we talk about more often than not. So I'm super excited to shed some clarity. As always, if you guys need anything for me, I am always here.

Can't wait for another episode. So without further ado, let's get right on into it. Another week, my friends. Welcome back to Do the Work podcast. You guys get me solo this week, which is really exciting because what was wild was I actually did a poll on the Instagram. So if you follow Do The Work Instagram, if you don't already, go follow that because we are about, when I'm recording this, we're about 60,000 away from having Tech Guy on the podcast.

So that's fucking huge. but on Do the Work podcast, I asked if people wanted more solo or more guest episodes. And y'all, candidly speaking, I'm going to be a little vulnerable for a minute. I have my own living beliefs. I have my own shit that I don't, I don't always believe in myself, even though other people believe in me. And this kind of goes back to like those core beliefs that I could sit here and tell you how amazing you are all day, but if you don't believe it, you don't believe it.

And I really thought it was going to be that people wanted more guests, but 78% wanted more solos. And honestly, thank you. Thank you, fucking thank you. Thank you to everybody. Thank you to everybody for supporting this podcast. Thank you is an understatement. So I'm just so appreciative and I can't wait to continue. There will be more guests, but I have added about five more solos for the year additional to what I had. So I'm stoked and I'm excited. So today we're going to talk about red and green flags because I think understanding them and breaking them down so that you understand like tangibly what to look for is going to be really important. Then we're going to talk about going slow versus ambivalence. So we'll see how much time. we have for all of it. And if we have to make more part twos, we will. But let's kind of just dive right on in. And I'm excited to see where we can explore. And guys, just a quick preface, as always, if you need anything, I've linked it in the show notes. You can ask me a question, book one-on-one,

get a dating app audit, which tech I and I are doing. Anything you guys always need. There's also a free guide if you haven't downloaded it already. And it's how to heal your anxious attachment style and self-soothing techniques. So check that out. It's a link in the show notes or the link in my bio everywhere. So yeah, super excited. And don't forget to join the Facebook group. It's our support group that is free to the work podcast. And again, it's linked in the show notes. So let's get started with red flags. Because I think something else I am going to talk about and touch on is like the difference between a red flag and a non-negotiable because I really, I hear this all the time of like, is it a deal breaker non-negotiable or is it just a red flag? So red flags and datings are warning signs or behaviors

exhibited by a potential romantic partner that indicate potential problems, concerns are incompatibilities in a relationship. Now, so often I hear it thrown around like, oh, that was a red flag, that was a red flag, that was a red flag. And oftentimes, they're not. Oftentimes, it's just that you didn't like the way somebody said something. You didn't like the way that somebody acted towards you. You didn't like something specific. And so all of a sudden it becomes a red flag when it might just be incompatibility because, spoiler alert, everybody you go out with can't be a person that you end up with. Like, that's just not feasibly possible. Otherwise, we'd all be with the first person that we ever went out with. So it's going to happen to where you're not compatible. But some examples,

like what are a red flag? So it's like lack of respect. So disrespectful behavior, being rude, being rude to you, being rude to waiters. That is my fucking pet peeve right there off the bat. If somebody is rude to wait staff, to employees, to people working, I don't fuck with that shit. that to me is blatantly disrespectful. It's really rude. And I just don't have the patience for people that can't be nice because what that shows me is that you can't be nice to people unless they do something for you. They have value to you.

So that's not something I will even entertain. Controlling behavior. Controlling behavior starts off sometimes subtly and can build. So it can even start off something where it's just like, hey, don't do that. And you're like, okay, didn't realize you're my dad. And then it could go into, I don't want you to spend time with that person. I don't want you to wear that. I don't like when you do this.

That's starting somebody to be controlling. Or criticism, constant criticism from somebody. Like those lies and consistency, another huge red flag, isolation from friends and family. Like, it's really important to see what kind of relationship these people have that you're dating that they have with other people in their lives because that's going to be a huge indicator. Why do you think one of the first questions I ask people is, how did your last relationship and what did it teach you about yourself? because I want to see how big of a red flag are we going to go here?

How broad of a paint stroke? So like I remember, I'll never forget the guy I dated a little bit ago. It was before tech guy. And I remember our first date. I asked him that. And he said, I've never had a relationship. And I was like, you're 35. Like, you've never had a relationship.

And like, I'm understanding. There could be plenty of reasons why somebody hasn't. But I was curious. And I said, well, what do you think your reasoning was? And he said, I get bored after two months. I always date a girl for two months. and then I get bored and I don't want to date her anymore. And I was like, oh, lo, like that's a huge fucking red flag.

That is a, it was waving in my face. And then when I went further and I was like, okay, well, you know, was this like a childhood thing? No, I had a great childhood. Everything was incredible. It was amazing. Came to find out, like, his dad was a raging alcoholic and he had dealt with a lot of issues. And I was like, listen, there's no judgment whatsoever. But that's not an amazing childhood.

An amazing childhood isn't the fact that your father came to pick you up drunk from school and fell asleep when you guys were having lunch at the restaurant. That's not a great child. If that's a great childhood to you, sure. Hey, who am I to fucking judge? But on paper, the problem is that person normalized it and created it to be a great childhood. But my point being, like, those were red flags I overlooked. Another red flag that I overlooked, the constant texting.

I know, I know. All of my babes are going to hate this. But that is oftentimes a sign of love bombing. If somebody is constant, incessant, it's either love bombing, it's insecurity, it's anxiety, it's not secure and it's not healthy. And the point of this podcast isn't to glamorize or to poop-poo or to make anybody feel bad for behaviors with they're exhibiting. The point of the podcast is to teach you guys how to become healthier daters.

Part of that is the texting behavior. And to me, that is a huge red flag. If I have started to, if I've matched with somebody and we are texting incessantly, I, to me, get very turned off. Because one, then I'm creating a version of who I want them to be in my head. Then I meet up with them. The version doesn't match. it's like a whole fucking rigmar role that is self-inflicted when you really think about it.

Because the texting, you can set a boundary and just say, listen, I don't connect that way. I'm excited to meet you. And that's it. Like, I want to, this will lead into our next conversation. I want to go slow. So, and we'll get to that. But here are specific red flags that you can look out for. Overly controlling behavior like we talked about.

Lack of trust. So if somebody doesn't, you know, here's my thing. I am very, my heart goes out to people that have been cheated on and, you know, have had all those things like, I get it. It's not easy to deal with that. But you being cheated on and you not trusting other people or yourself can't be everybody else's problem. And so while I have compassion for people and where they've been on their journey, it's also about understanding you are in charge of your own fucking emotions. You are in charge of how you show up. You are in charge of the things that you allow to affect you. So if somebody cheated on you, while I totally understand no one's saying that you go out and just give trust away, but it's about trusting yourself that no matter what you will be okay. So if somebody is coming off the bat that they don't trust anybody,

like I'm watching 90 day fiancee, okay, so sue me, so fucking sue me. I love this show. And there's this couple and oh my God, it's actually kind of painful to watch. And she's like 23 and the kid, he's like a kid. And they're on FaceTime 24-7 because she's so, she all she says is, my ex cheated on me 10 times and it's, everything was his fault. Nothing was hers. And she said, so I don't trust anybody.

So now my new partner, they have to be on FaceTime with me 24-7. And I was like, my fucking God. you don't trust anybody. And so, and this kid allows it. He obliges. And here's the best, my favorite part about this is she's doing stuff behind his back, but projecting it on to him as if he has now done something wrong to the point where he had called her when he was on the plane and she hung up on him and got mad and wanted to block

him because he sat next to a woman on the plane. And she didn't trust him that he wasn't going to cheat on her on the fucking flight. So to me, like lack of trust and same low self-esteem. I know to a lot of people you might be saying, I have compassion for other people, blah, blah, but bitch, date a partner not a project. You are not here to fix somebody else. And if somebody is painfully insecure

and has really low self-esteem, there is only so long that you're going to be sweet and kind and understanding about this until that becomes to the point where you're like, my fucking God, nothing I do is good enough for you. I don't know what you want because the issue is it's not about other people. It's about themselves.

and only they have the key to themselves to unlocking the door so that they can start to heal. It's not about other people doing that. A huge red flag. Substance abuse. Not something I fuck with. Listen, I'm not talking about you want to smoke a J.

You want to have a glass of wine. Like, listen, we're all human. You treat yourself, babe. But we're talking substance abuse. I have always been. And I, my brother had a drug problem in high school. And when I was in elementary school, part of my abandonment issues,

he was taken in the middle of the night. And we woke up in the morning. and my mom said your brother's gone. He's going to be gone for a while. I don't know when you're going to see him again. And wow, I'm getting emotional. As a child, that was really hard for me to comprehend. What do you mean my brother's gone? I was nine years old. I was, I think, eight or nine. And I didn't see him for four years and we didn't speak and he went through his whole intensive program. And ever since that moment, I saw what substance abuse does to families and I made it a pack to myself that I am not going to be there to make as somebody else feel better

just because they're doing things and they don't want to hear my reality. I'm not going to fucking enable people. Huge, huge red flag. I don't care. I don't care. Those people can bring you down. Listen, if they want to go get help, they're in AA, then fine, true, great. I'm here for that.

But if somebody is not helping themselves, that you cannot help them for them. Narcissism. I think that goes without saying. Somebody had asked me the other day, how can I have a relationship with a narcissism? And I was like, I'm unsure where this is coming from and genuinely, why you would want a relationship with a narcissist. Unless you really want to spend a long time in therapy. And at that point, sure, go ahead and enjoy it. Co-dependency is another big red flag.

I remember, yeah, I had a girl where I'd said, like, you know, you're both independent creatures. You're both living your own life. And she said, absolutely not. I want to be the center of my partner's universe and vice versa. How unhealthy for you to say that you're two individual beings. and I was like, oh boy, yikes. And what is codependency is like that your mood and your day and everything is contingent upon your partner.

And it can't be that your life is surrounding another human being. There is nothing unhealthier. And there's nothing more of a turnoff to me than somebody who doesn't have their own life and everything is about me. Like, I'm not saying the pendulum has to swing either way, but for fuck's sake, like, it's not cute to cancel your entire week and spend every single day with somebody that you just met and you're texting morning, noon, and night, and everything is about them and your mood is dependent upon them. And if they want to go out and see a friend,

like, I had a client right in and she's like, I am just upset. This person wants to go see their friends. This is bullshit. And I was like, you mean that your partner wants to have a fucking life? Yo, come on. Now at that point, I was like, now you're just being ridiculous. So I think, I think there's just an understanding of like, I wanted to clarify red flags. Love bombing again, huge one. It's an excessive amount of affection and admiration within a short time span. The pinch doesn't match the out here, y'all. Like, I get it.

I totally understand when you meet somebody, of course it's fun. It's so sexy. Oh my God, they're so into you. They're being so open. They're being so communicative. They're being so vulnerable with you. But like my mama always says, when they're too sweet, it's going to give you a toothache. If you started 100, where else are you going to go?

So if I've just met somebody and already off the bat, they're telling me how I'm the love of their life and I'm amazing and they want to have this family and all this future planning like, whoa, the red flag is waving in the fucking air. It's not about, oh, they see me for who I am and they care about me. No, because for all of my anxious babes, here's a harsh reality that you don't want to hear. Love takes time. Relationships take time to build. This is not a fucking Disney movie or a rom-com. This is not we met and a week later all of a sudden it's love and its marriage and kids and, and, in the white picket fence and everything's amazing. You are overlooking red flags when you expedite the stages of a relationship quicker than they need to be. Then all of a sudden, what I see all the time is you're then trailing trying to save this relationship that didn't even exist because you're going based off of in the beginning stages of having a nice time with this person and all of a sudden it's like all you do is fight and argue and you're not even willing to accept that you're not compatible because

you fell for the idea of them and you liked what that signify. No. No. Oh, I could go on. I mean, my list for red flags that I have could literally go on forever. But another one that I think is really important is a difference in core values, religion, family life goals, anything like that. What you're not understanding is the issues you have in the beginning of the relationship

will ultimately be the ones that end it. So if you start dating somebody and they are telling you off the bat that they're super religious in a religion that's not yours or that they want to, you know, they want 30 kids and they want to be like welcome to the Duggers. What the fuck it is. If that's not what you want, then stop kidding yourself to be like, oh my God, it's fine. It's fine. We'll be okay.

We'll make it work. Everything's going to be great. It's like, no, that's not what the fuck you want. So then stop pretending like it is. That's where scarcity mindset starts to set in of like, oh, but I'm not going to find anybody else. And I have to just settle. That's settling.

That to me is settling for something that you know goes against your wants, needs, and desires, but you're going to do it anyways because there's nobody else right now. doesn't there is no guarantees not one of us on this planet has any guarantee that you won't go down the street you could go to the bodega oh god the new yorker in me you could go to the gym you could go to the grocery store you could literally go put your fucking garbage out and meet somebody so instead of focusing on like well i have to make it work with them start to look at these red flags mixed messages another huge fucking red flag and i never liked the saying if they like you you'll know if not you'll be confused because i think there's nuance to it because there's a

are a lot of people that don't know how to receive that somebody likes them or they don't know how to read that. It might not be as obvious as they call you every single day and they text you all the time and they're saying it to you. You have to remember love languages. Like, people show it in different ways. So if somebody is blatantly sending you mixed signals where one minute they're all over you and then the next minute they're not and one minute they're super into you and then you don't hear from them for two weeks. Like stop focusing so heavily on, but why do they keep doing this and why aren't they calling me and what? Every time you try to make it about them, I challenge you to bring that question back about yourself to start assessing, what about this behavior

feels familiar to me? What about this person keeps me going back for more? Why am I constantly trying to change them versus accept them for who they are? Those are the questions I'd like you to start asking versus but why do they keep doing this to me? It's like, bitch, I'll ask you back. Why you keep allowing it? Why do you keep allowing somebody to treat you for less than you deserve unless you don't believe that you deserve more well than that case, babe? I can't help you here. I could bring you the queen of sheep. I could bring you a gold statue from the gods above. And if you're not ready to receive it, you'll say, that's too shiny.

Because you're not ready to receive it. So, all right. I think we've beaten red flags to death. Let's talk about green flags, shall we? Now, green flags are positive signs. Yay! Positive signs and behaviors displayed by a potential partner that indicate a healthy and secure relationship.

And I get this all the time where I'll post green flags. People like, well, that guy did this for two weeks and then changed. And it's like, yeah, motherfucker. Just because I'm saying it's a green flag doesn't mean I'm saying go fucking sign the marriage certificate. All I'm saying is that these are cues to continue to date this person, to continue to see them, to continue to see if they have something that you like, want, need, desire, whatever. It's not saying that this is going to guarantee that this is going to work out as a relationship. It's just that these are little things that you can look and say, okay, I will at the very least,

keep entertaining this person. And so some that are some green flags that stand out, respectful community. It's that they listen to you. They listen to you with respect. They have empathy. They have compassion. They're understanding. They're not judging you. When you share something about yourself, they're not poo-pooing it. They're not putting you down. They're not negging you. They're not making backhanded compliments. They're giving you the space to feel seen, heard and understood and feel safe. Yes, you could do that on one date. Doesn't have to mean that you've been dating for eight months for this to happen. They're consistent and reliable. I'll tell you all, that was my number one thing with tech guy.

He was so consistent and reliable. We actually talked about it the other day. We have never canceled plans with each other, not once. We have never, we only rescheduled our first day because I was sick and I didn't want to get his family sick because of Thanksgiving. Other than that, he says what he means and he means what he says. When he says, I'm going to be over at four o'clock, four o'clock on the dot, he's there. And if he's not, he texts me, hey, running a few minutes late, be right there.

That was always why I kept dating him because I was like, you know, listen, I don't know where this is going to go. I'm like, but this guy is being super consistent. He's every time I go to bed, I wake up to the same person next to me. That was really important because I came from a household where that wasn't existent. My number one non-negotiable always was I want to go to bed with the same person I wake up to. I was so fucking tired of dating the guys that we've all been there, guys or girls,

that when you're with them, you're literally on cloud nine and you think this is the best connection you've ever had. Oh my God, you're feeling so into them. And then you wake up and it's cold and they're distant and you're like, what the fuck is going on? And then it's always like some kind of something. I was done with that. I was done with that inconsistency.

Consistent and reliable is huge. Honesty and transparency. If somebody is willing to be honest about their intentions, they're open having conversations, they're being vulnerable, they're being emotionally available. They're not shying away from conversations. They're not running away from questions.

I'll never forget this guy I dated many moons ago in New York. We played we're not really strangers. And every question, pass, pass. I don't want to answer that. Pass. This guy was so emotionally unavailable. It was painful. He wasn't even trying to connect with me on a deeper level.

He just wanted to fuck. And that was just what it was. And I didn't see it at the time. It's the family and friends event at Shoppers Drugmark. Get 20% off almost all regular priced merchandise. Two days only. Tuesday, April 28th and Wednesday, April 29th. Open your PC optimum app to get your coupon.

Another green flag. Somebody is supportive and encouraging. I can't tell you up throughout at all. Even though tech guys like, I hate TikTok, is all his security stuff. He is so insanely supportive of me and always has been. Anything I say, and I set my mind out to, he is there to support me for it or to at least help me if he can.

And that is huge. I mean, I'm glad you guys have even seen him on the lives. You see that he's going to be on the podcast. Like when I say he hates it, he fucking hates it. But that's part of a part. That's part of being a partner to somebody is doing things that you might not always necessarily want to do. So the reason I bring up a lot of these green flags,

I started to see this stuff early on in our dating. It wasn't like, oh, I found this out after six months. Like this was the behavior he was exhibiting at all times. Somebody who, big, big, big, big, big, major green flag or red flag, rather, depending on how you look at this. This is one of the biggest thing I would say to look out for in dating. How does somebody fight? How do they handle conflict? If somebody is going to fight dirty where they're going to put you down, they're going to call you names,

they're going to be disrespectful, they're going to gaslight you, they're going to walk out. Fuck off. But if somebody's going to be honest, open, vulnerable, hear you, out, let you have a platform to share what you're feeling, be encouraging, be engaging, be a support system, great. Remember, you're a partnership. You're not against each other, even in dating. You can't look at it as me against you because then you're never going to cultivate a happy and healthy relationship. It has to be a we. We are coming together to talk. Be curious. When somebody has something that they're going to say, be curious about what they're going to say. That's a huge green flag.

Not somebody that jumps to conclusions and goes right to assumptions, but that says, what's coming up for you. Like every time even tech I and I now get into it, like when I get upset, I even stop and I say before I'm going to say something, I want to clarify, is this what you're trying to say to me? And I give him the space for it to be like, no, that's not what I was trying to say because I get curious. He's my partner. I love him. I don't want to have this type of bullshit. And I see it again, back to 90 day fiance. No, this one's love after lockup. God, I love that show. It's such trash. But I love love after lockup. And there's a couple and it's like they were dating. Everything was amazing.

They were together for five years while he was in prison, yada, yada, yada. Sure enough, he comes out. This girl's bat shit fucking crazy. Like she would scream and yell and storm off and speed and go the wrong way. And he's sitting there like freaking out and he's like, I'm on fucking parole. What are you doing? And even said, he was like, who is this person? You don't know somebody until you see how they respect your boundaries, until you see how they fight, until you see them in other circumstances.

Again, why I say, don't rush into relationships. You got to give people time to show you who they are. And then when they do that, fucking believe them. Stop holding on to like, but in the beginning it was so great. And we were doing so well in the beginning. Yeah, bitch, you know, a lot of things are great in the beginning. Ice cream's great in the beginning and then it melts. Doesn't mean I'm going to try to reconstitute the ice cream to get it back together to be what it was.

But instead I've accepted it. And I'm like, okay, well, this is no longer for me. God, that was a good analogy, actually. I just came up with that one on the wind. So in a nutshell, green flags, empathy, self-awareness. good pace, planning dates, consistency, reciprocity, the ball is going back and forth. It's, I think so many people are not used to what secure and healthy feels like. So to them, it's like, oh, no, it being this difficult and me having to text every day and me

having to put myself out there, they feel like, no, that's normal, right? And it's like, it's like, it's not. I'm here to tell you. My mama has always said that. And she's like, you know, it shouldn't be this hard, right? Not saying it should be easy. It should flow, though. Where if you have an issue, you're insecure, you're unsure.

You don't know what's going on. It's not a big deal to talk to your person about that. And if it becomes a blowout, well, then how are you going to have a relationship if you can't even fucking communicate with each other? Again, big red flag. So we know what a red flag is, but what about a deal breaker? Because I get this. What is it a red flag or deal breaker? And it's like, everybody, your non-negotiables and deal breakers are up to you.

I can't determine to you what is a deal breaker for you. For me, it could be something and for you, it could be different. But a deal breaker is a non-negotiable or a behavior that goes against your core values, boundaries. or something that you require in a relationship. So an example, inconsistency, poor communication, lack of interest or one-sided, blatant disrespect, conflict against moral values and ethics. It could be politics, it could be religion.

If they matter to you, that has to be where you have a non-negotiable. I had people all the time like, oh, the person I'm dating is a different religion and they're insistent that they marry somebody of that. Do you think that's a deal breaker? And it's like, yeah, no shit, it's a fucking deal breaker. Of course it is. So it's really important to assess what are your non-negotiables and boundaries? Like I said, for me, like expecting somebody to read my mind, no, that would be a non-negotiable

for me. If they expect that I'm going to read their mind, like, communication is huge. That's a non-negotiable for me. So it's really, really important. And like the difference between the two is like the severity of the issue. Like a red flag is concerning or as a deal breaker goes against your fundamental core values. very big difference. Again, also potential for resolution. Red flags, you could talk about it. You could address it. You could gain clarity. You could gain an understanding. Whereas a deal breaker might not be

something that you could resolve. You might say, ab so fucking looting not. I can't do it. If it impacts your well-being. Red flags don't usually. They're just kind of a queue of like, I love this. Whereas a non-negotiable or a deal breaker could be really serious. It could like potentially harm you or hurt you. So, and again, boundaries. So I think it's really important when you're differentiating between a red flag or a deal breaker. It's like, what is part of that 80% that you need and you have to have to have? And what's the 20% that you're going to have to compromise on? Spoiler alert, if you guys think you're going to get 100% of everything you want, you are gravely fucking mistaken. There is no way on God's green earth that one person is going to be 100% for you. And listen,

Indian matchmaker, she said if you get 60% you're lucky, I'm going 80%. Okay, I'm being a little. I'd much rather a B than a fucking D. But it's the reality of like, you can't have it all. And so now let's talk about what we had talked about earlier a little bit, which is the difference between going slow and ambivalence. Because to me, a green flag is somebody that wants to go a little slower. It's not trying to expedite the stages of a relationship. Ambivalence is the red flag here. Big difference on the two. So going slow is really just that you are not expediting the stages of a relationship quicker than they need to be and the amount of time that you've known somebody.

So for instance, for all of my anxious babes, you had one or two dates. No, you don't need to be talking to that person every single fucking fucking fucking boyfriend, girlfriend after a week. That is expediting the stages of a relationship quicker than they need to be. Techie and I are still going slow. Like granted, we're moving in together in September a little sooner than we would have wanted, but welcome to living in apartments with leases. And we had to assess, okay, like, are we ready for this?

And people ask us all the time like, oh, you guys going to get married? And we're like, we're just focused on moving in together right now. Like we know that we have an overarching goal of like, okay, do you want kids? You want marriage? Like, what is it that you want out of a relationship? Things like that. But we're not trying to expedite those stages. We're not trying to rush into something that feels potentially inorganic or inauthentic to

where we are in a relationship right now. And the thing is, anxious folks hate going slow because it causes uncertainty. And uncertainty causes anxiety because it's a fear of the future. This is where the self-reacted. work starts to come in. It can't be that when you meet somebody like, I see it all the time, self-sabotage, whatever words you want to use, people that are like self-fulfilling prophecies of like, oh, every guy does this. And then I start to see the behavior. It's like, well, yeah, because you don't give them any time to breathe. You didn't hear from them in an hour and you blocked their number,

or you blew up their phone. Or because after three dates, you ask them, what are we and where are we going? And if you don't want what I want, I'm out. It's like, you're not leaving space for naturalness and for magic to happen. And going slow allows you. you to assess the red flags and to actually see if there is something here that needs to be addressed or if maybe that person is just a slower person to open up to. Tech guy took a long time to open up. It took him months because he needed to feel comfortable. He like didn't feel safe. And that's his own shit. But I saw so many green flags and I felt so good when I was with him, even though I did most of the talking. Shocker. That was different. Versus ambivalence in dating

refers to mixed or conflicting feelings and uncertainty about the relationship. So when someone is ambivalent, they send mixed messages, they're indecisive, they have difficulty expressing their true feelings or intentions. That is very different than going slow. Because intention, the first thing to look at, what are your intentions? Going slow is both parties are intentional about the way they're dating, the way that they text, the way that they communicate. They're saying, listen, I'm ready for something real, but I want to make sure it's with the right person. I don't want to end up in some kind of situation. I don't want to end up in something that'll end up in divorce.

Like, to me, it makes sense. I want to be very smart and strategic about the person that I bring into my life because that's a huge thing. Ambivalence, there's no clear intention or communication and there's conflicting emotions. That is bullshit. Listen, you could be unsure about somebody in the early stages of dating. I'm not saying you have to be 100% within fucking one meet. But after a bit of time, you can still be consistent while you're assessing those feelings.

So communication. So when you're going, when you're in a slow, when you're going, when you're going, slow, that's not an excuse for bad behavior. That doesn't mean, oh, we just never text. Or I see them once a month. Like, no, no, no, that's not intentional dating. That just means maybe going slow. Is that like, maybe you talk every other day. And maybe you just make a two phone calls a week, but then you have dates planned. Like, that's going slow versus ambivalence. It's the hot and cold. It's the inconsistent. You get the butterflies when you see their name because you have no idea when the fuck you're going to talk to them again. You talk about them with everybody because

you don't even know what they're thinking. Communication's not open and clear. Again, going slow doesn't mean that you can also, that you just don't have to share how you feel. So emotional investment. When you're going slow, individuals who are going slow are still investing in this relationship to see if this is something that they want to explore further. Versus ambivalent, they're struggling to actually commit and fully invest. That's a huge difference. Clarity and consistency.

Going slow, again, still consistent, still clear, still on track. Whereas ambivalence lacks clarity. a lot of uncertainty. Think about it as the emotionally unavailable person. And then the comfort level. If you are feeling super uncomfortable constantly, always feeling uncomfortable in the dating phase, you never know what this person stands. You're always unsure. Like, that's just not a way to live your fucking life. You do deserve better. You do deserve consistency and clarity, understanding, action, all of those things. But again, you only deserve that if you believe that you deserve it. I could sit here all day and tell you that you're the most amazing person I've ever met,

but if you don't believe me on that, then you're going to just scoff and walk away. And that's why you'll go for people that are walking red flags. Because if that's what you think that you deserve or if that's what you're used to, that's what all you've ever known, that's the norm for you. What if your parents had those kinds of behavior? And here's a crazy mind-blown. I heard this the other day from a therapist I love, that when you put somebody on a pedestal, especially a red flagger, you are reliving the child parent dynamic.

And oftentimes when people, so especially with anxious attachment, what is anxious attachment? Low sense of others, or low sense of self, high sense of others. So when you put somebody on the pedestal, what you're saying to them is you don't see my worth so you have more value versus somebody that likes you, that's open, that's consistent, that's all these green flags. When they try to give that love, it's, well, no, you see my value. So you must not be worth anything because I don't have any value in within myself. So then you'll keep going for the walking red flags over and over and over having the same

shit repeating on fucking repeat. If you really want to start breaking that pattern, you've got to be very comfortable and okay walking away from people that don't align with what the fuck that it is that you want. First step, though, get in line with what it is that you want. Start sitting with yourself. Do you even actually know what you want in a relationship above I want a partner? What does that look like to you? What's that partner going to be like?

How's the communication going to be? How are they going to be able to support you? What does that actually look like for you? Most people don't even have answers to those questions. So first, you can't go out there and date and start saying, well, I'm not finding what I'm looking for when you don't even know what the fuck it is that you are looking for because you could be walking away from so many people that actually are what you need or are really good for you because of core beliefs, limiting shit, the fact that green flags are boring. It's like, no, healthy is healthy. Healthy equals boring to people that are trauma driven because your nervous system wants healthy. Your nervous system is dying to feel more regulated and secure. But it's the anxious brain that's like, not on my watch, baby.

So I really hope that this was helpful to you guys. I really hope that this was able to give you some more clarity around red and green flags, going slow, ambivalence, and gives you the confidence now that if you're thinking about somebody that you're dating and they check a lot of those red flag boxes or that ambivalence box, I don't know what you're waiting for to change. You couldn't change your parents. You're not going to change this person. And the quicker that you finally admit that and accept it,

the quicker you can start to heal those parts of you that so badly want that person to change you're so badly want them to become the person that you met, that's like, okay, that literally lasted all five minutes. I literally see it all the time on 90-day fiance. They're trying to hold on so tight to something that just doesn't exist anymore. And I don't want that for you guys. Because you love can be consistent. Love can be healthy. Love can be secure. And if you're just not used to that, that's okay. But I'm here to teach you what that looks like and to get you ready to receive it. And that, my babes, is a good place to end. So as always, thank you guys so much for another fucking amazing episode. As always, if you need anything, link in the show notes,

you could work with me one-on-one, the tech guy audits, the dating up audits have been so fun. We've been helping so many people. And yeah, anything you guys ever need, you know it's always there. And I'm so excited to have another week with you guys next week. And until then, for now, my babes.