The Sabrina Zohar Show - 32: Healing while single vs dating, the importance of triggers in dating and neurodivergent dating with Lewis Huckstep!

Episode Date: August 25, 2023

On this weeks episode, Sabrina is joined by Lewis Huckstep to chat about healing while single or dating, the importance of triggers and what they teach you about your relationship. Want to work with Sabrina? HERE! Stuck After the Podcast? Master Implementation in 8 Weeks with Sabrina's Foundation Course Join the Make It Make Sense: Getting Through a Breakup course HERE! Get Ad-free episodes and 2 Bonus episodes a month HERE! Dont forget to follow Sabrina and The Sabrina Zohar Show on instagram and Sabrina on Tik tok! Video now available on YOUTUBE! Want to shop Softwear? Get 20% off your first order with code DOTHEWORK HERE Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formally known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A.Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to another episode of Do the Work Podcast. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. Guys, I'm really excited. This week we have Lewis Huckstep on. He is a legend. He's incredible, an amazing coach. And we dive on into this kind of fallacy of, do I need to be healed in order to date or can I date while I'm on my healing journey?

And truly the importance and how much of a heart triggers play in your healing and how to look at them as really a blessing as opposed to a curse. And we also kind of dive in a little deeper into neurodivergentating because it was unbeknownst to me that Lewis is actually on the spectrum. So it was the perfect opportunity for me to explore more and give you guys the answers that you are asking so often. So I'm super excited. As always, guys, if you need anything, link in bio and link in the show notes, it has Lewis's information. If you want to work with me in any capacity, you absolutely can. And don't forget, you get 20% off if you use the code. Do the work for my clothing line software if you want any cozies to get ready for fall.

So without further ado, let's get right on into it. Hi, Lewis. Hello, hello, hello. Welcome. Thank you for calling from Down Under. I'm so excited to have you on the podcast. Thank you for having me. We got to have a trial run together, which is really good.

So I'm really prepared this time. I know. For anybody who doesn't know, no, you all know. I do my own audio. And so we had some technological issues last time. But, hey, like you said, it was a great rehearsal and a great run of show. So I'm excited to, I'm also stoked because I learned. something about you on when we were doing our quote unquote kind of our rehearsal.

And I think you saw my face when you said it. And I was like, shut the fuck up. This is exactly, I've been looking for somebody incredible like you to talk about. So I think we should just dive right on in for anybody who doesn't know what the fuck I'm talking about. First off, before we get it, Lewis, can you just introduce yourself?

You're an amazing coach, but I'd love in your words if you could just share first before we start diving into personal things, who you are. Love it. Thank you for that. Thank you for holding space. And thank you for having a conversation with me today.

I'm a mindset coach. I help people discover their true authentic self and reach their full potential in business, relationships, personal, any area of life. I love the quote that a rising tide raises all boats. So as you become the most authentic, best, fullest expression of you, everything gets better. And obviously, we're probably going to speak about relationships today, which is something I love because I truly believe relationship magnifies the work you haven't done yet. And that's where with the right tools and awareness and consciousness, you can actually grow more in a relationship more than anywhere fucking else. So yeah, that's kind of a nutshell of it. But yeah, we can go anywhere you want to go over that. I know, boy, will we ever? Because I think part of, part of what is so important

for us to talk about is, yeah, healing and relationships and like, what does that look like realistically? So I'm excited. And for everybody as excited as me, I love your quotes that you just will randomly throw in. And so I'm excited for how many more we're going to get. So I want to start off. So what I was kind of talking about earlier, which is neurodivergent dating. And last time you let me know something vulnerable about yourself that you are on the spectrum. And I would love to know just in general, how has that affected your relationships? Because I do get so many messages from people saying it feels very different. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to date. And I would just love to hear how you navigated the waters with that. Beautiful. Yeah. And something that I hope I get across

in my work is I'm very authentic. I'm at best as I can, very vulnerable. So yeah, like I got diagnosed with Aspergis, ADHD and autism. Autism is a very common, I guess, quote, trait of Aspergis. It's on the spectrum. I had a lot of challenges with communication with relationships, not just intimate relationships, but friendships. So friendships was being pain point for me. So I guess without going down the rabbit hole, I have done podcasts. I've got my own podcast, which I've had the pleasure of having you on as well. And I've gone deep into like an hour plus of like, ADHD, Asperger's, autism and all that stuff. So I guess the summary version of that is, I don't see it as a downgrade. I see as an upgrade. I just see, like, it's, everything in life

has polarity. It has ups and downs. Like, masculine energy has ups and downs. Feminine energy has ups and downs. So, like, ADHD to just touch on that, like, my definition is it's someone with a high level of energy and a high sensitivity to boredom. So you won't do shit. you'll struggle, quote, struggle to do things you're fucking not interested in, but you'll be hyper-focused in the shit you love. And a big benefit of that. If you want to be successful in anything, business, health, sports, relationships, it requires a lot of fucking energy and focus.

So that's just ADHD. The way I sort of view Asperger's is you just see things differently from others. So by definition of that, you'll see things that people don't see. So you can do things that people don't do. So you can have things that people can't have. So it's definitely a blessing and a curse. It served me in a lot of areas. I had a lot of challenges and a lot of areas.

To sort of bring this background to sort of the dating scene, I was a quote socially awkward because of the gift that I had because a downside to me is I don't get humor very well. So it's sort of like those sort of social cues and social cues is the best way to say it. And I just didn't really understand it. So I had pain around making friends and to throw me into the deep end. I went to five different schools growing up. So it was like fucking torture. I remember I cried every single day of my first day of each school. The last one being year six. So I cried first

day of school in year six. So I think it was 11 years old, give or take back then. And yeah, it was challenging. But it's the benefit of that is it's forged me into the communicator I am. It's given me the pain to go sort it out. Greater the pain, greater the purpose. Greater the wound, greater the wisdom. So yes, it was painful, but it's gifted me with the, I see trauma or pain. as seeds that are planted, once healed, sprout. So that's where the inner work comes into it. Like a wound until you heal, it triggers you, but once it's healed, it gives you strength. And that's where purpose is pain, wounds of wisdom.

So to wrap that into the relationship, I struggle, I'm still getting better at this as well. Breaking the ice was always challenging for me to actually go up and spark up a conversation. But because of the gift of Asperger's, I'm very good at talking about things I'm very passionate about. So if you get me on to coaching, which is essentially what we're doing today, if I can talk to the cows to come home. But it's also equipped me with a fucking ninja-like surgeon-like ability of asking questions. Because I hated, in quotations, awkward silences, because that was a big pain point for me.

I'm very good at, like, keeping the conversation going by asking questions. And whenever you meet someone, people love talking about themselves. I can ask a fuckload of questions. Hence, I have a podcast, and that's a good trade of that. is I love asking questions. It's funny, I went and caught up with a friend of mine that I just, we just connected through social media. We went and did a gym session together.

And she actually has a brother who has asked her. And she was actually quite conscious of what I was doing. And this was only like a week ago. And she, we were just talking and there was a bit of a gap. And I asked a question really quickly. And she said, you asked that to break the awkward silence,

didn't you? I was like, fuck, she knows. I was like, she's aware. She's got me. So to answer your question,

there's, it's not a downside. It just, it has its upsides, it has its downsides. And I just believe play to your strengths. So I do not like to this day really going to parties. I don't really like going to that sort of group setting for socializing. So I rather take someone out on a date like one-on-one, go grab a coffee, go do a gym session. So find your ways that play to your strengths. So don't like go to a bar to meet someone if that's not your style. Social media is obviously a gift and gift and a curse, I guess,

how you use it. I'm engaged with my beautiful fiance and we met through social media and I was talking to her. So I felt more connected with her. I was asking questions to her. We caught up in person. So I didn't like going to meet her at a bar, go meet her at a club. I just met her through social media. So yeah, I don't believe giving labels of it's bad or it's good. It just has its ups and downs. Be aware of that and play to your strengths. But yeah, that's kind of my initial view on relationships. So yeah, I hope that that gave you a bit of context. Yeah. And, you know, and what you said at the beginning of like you are very authentic, you are very real. So it's like, that's why I resonate with you is because that takes a lot for to share that. So thank you for

sharing, you know, some vulnerability about things. And what I love is that you don't take victim mode. That's, I think, what I love the Moses. As I'm hearing you speak, there's no woe is me. There's no, here's so many challenges. Because it's like, listen, I know my brother is incredibly high functioning ADHD. So I 100% understand what you mean by you will, you will have the energy and attention to talk about things you're passionate about. And I see like his eyes light up when we start talking about certain things. And it's like, you got him. Like he's on the hook. He's paying attention. His eyes are with you. And then when he doesn't really give a shit about the topic, it's like he's everywhere and all. So to me, I became, I'm, that's literally, it's my family. So of course,

I started to understand it. And I understood when he was dating, like he's now 40. Like he just got a girlfriend. You know, he's had girlfriends before. But I'm saying, you know, he was single for a while. I knew for a long time, I didn't think it was necessarily like a bad thing. All I ever saw this as was you're just going to, your pool is a little smaller. It's just going to be a slightly different personality type. Candidly speaking, same for me. I'm not. I haven't been diagnosed about it or anything.

Probably should be at this point. But nonetheless, I still know, like I hate going to parties too. I'm with you. And it's like I, I'm with you on wherever you fall, have strength in that because I get often, you know, I'll put something of like, you know, when you're in a first date, something that's really important to look at is eye contact. And the amount of people that I'd be like, that's not fair. I have ADHD. It's different for me. And it's like, I get what you're saying. But I also don't think that you should put yourself in a separate category of, well, this doesn't apply to me. Because I'd be curious. Like, have you had that experience? Well, you're like, is it like, is something to where obviously, I know there's degrees to it. Of course, depending on how severe it is. But was it something to you that was like crippling? Because obviously we have a partner. So it's, had to have been something that you were able to overcome. Because before we kind of move on to other meat and potatoes that I'm excited to talk to you about, I think even if you just have any maybe advice or something that you could offer to people,

if they're struggling on like how to connect with people or when to talk about it or do you talk about it, whatever you can offer because obviously you have a partner now. So you were able to figure that out. And I would love to know, I know you said social media helped you, but beyond that once you guys got in person. In communities across Canada, hourly Amazon employees, earn an average of over $24.50 an hour. Employees also have the opportunity to grow their skills and their paycheck

by enrolling in free skills training programs for in-demand fields, like software development and information technology. Learn more at aboutamazon.ca. Yeah, like, just so I can understand the question, so how to, I guess, navigate, like, sort of after meeting up, the relationship. Is that what you're saying? I would think, like, the relationship, but also even the conversation around like did you, when you met your partner, did you tell her off the bat? Was this something

that, you know, you guys discussed? Like, I think for a lot of people that might have ADHD or autism, they don't know if they should even tell somebody. So I was kind of saying with you, how you would navigate it around that to be able to create a beautiful relationship. Oh, beautiful. Well, I guess my personal experience, I didn't bring it up. I didn't like, hey, this is quote who I am and this is what I have. Oh, just by the way, before we get together, just wanted to let you know. So I didn't have that because I think, one thing that came to mind as you were talking is like you said people like say well i have a hd you don't understand i can't make eye contact it's different for me and i get that and i understand that and

i resonate with that but where's the line between something that has truth to it versus something that's a limitation and that's something that's a good question i don't have the answer to that question because what it where is the answer between like look i'm just not that great at mass i'm stronger at english versus giving yourself a limiting to belief that i'm not good at mass because then you make that true right So it's a good question of like, well, where's the line between this is my nature versus this is a limitation that I'm enforcing on myself? And I don't have the answer to that question. I always like to lean towards the empowered option. Well, I get it. This might not be naturally a strength of mine, but I'm not going to give myself that limitation that I can't do this because of this. It's like saying, I'm saying you're broken versus I'm healing. Like there's truth. It's still the same answer, but it's an empowered frame that you put on it. So I'll be conscious of just those. things like oh I can't do this because of this it's like okay well this is something I'm working on because of the way that I am and the way that I'm wired so that's just that that's sort of something that came to mind as you were talking I think if you feel drawn to tell

them like tell them like I think I can't even remember when we discussed it I don't even know if we did I think it was just in passing like so tell me about your upbringing tell me what you're into I'm not sure of my my partner even she says look I think she's actually quite similar to you so she's like kind of undiagnosed ADHD because has a lot of tendencies and traits to it. And it's, like I said, I just think it's something with a high amount of fucking energy who likes to do what they want. I don't have any sort of like strategies or like, hey, when's the right time to tell them? If it's something that's on your mind, then whatever you resist will persist. So make sure you do bring it up. Just say, hey, look, can I

just be vulnerable and share with you? This is something that I've been drawn to let you know about. But yeah, like I can't remember the time we actually spoke about it. I think I'd done videos on it. So maybe she found out, and obviously not everyone makes videos on their shit. But it's maybe. So it's, yeah, just bring it up if you're drawn to bring it up. But if it's like, I can't see if I went my whole relationship. We've been together almost four years now. Like, would our relationship be different if I didn't tell her?

I can't see why it would because it wouldn't change who I am. Like she would have, she would have experienced who I am regardless if I told her or not. If I was judging myself for not saying it, again, that's a different story because that's creating self-judgment. That's creating. resentment that's creating friction in yourself. And energetically, you'll pass that onto your partner so they'll feel it. So if you're drawn to tell them, let them know, but I would go deeper to like, okay, well, is there judgment towards it from you? Are you judging yourself for having whatever

it is you believe that you have? And I would dissolve that first. So then it comes from a place of love and acceptance. So yeah, I don't really have a strategy for like letting them know. Bring it up whenever you're drawn to. If you feel drawn to say it, say it. If there's any judgment for having it, I would address that first and address the judgment you have on self, because that's self-depreciation, that's lowering self-worth, that's beating yourself up, and that's a whole can of worms just there. And then, yeah, whenever it feels right, just let them know. That's what I would say. Yeah, 100%. I think to me, I've always advised, like, if you don't have an actual handicap of like, hey, okay, you want to go and hike, oh, I can't, I can't walk. It's like, that's something that you

should tell people prior because it's like, oh, yeah, that could change a lot. But like, I have a lot of people ask to like, oh, when did you tell tech guy that you had anxious to I was like, I didn't. I don't need to self-identify and pigeonhole myself. And I was like, because just because I might have anxiety, spoiler alert, he found out date one. Like, he knew, because he's not a fucking idiot. He could sense the way I was. But I was like, but the thing was, I didn't want to self-identify because, which will segue kind of into the rest of our conversation of like triggers and traumas and things. Because to me, I love how you had put it earlier. It's like the, I had healed through really what my shame around my anxious attachment style was.

I finally started to accept myself and say, listen, I'm not everybody's cup of tea. And just because I have anxious attachment style doesn't mean I need to like set myself apart as if I'm this strange creature that has this thing. Because to me, if you like me, then you fucking like me. You accept me fully. So it's the same like you said. The only time I could see is like if you go on a date with somebody and maybe if you asked and they said they didn't feel it. And they're like, oh, well, you know, you didn't make eye contact

with me. Then you could say, there's a good reason for that. I'm actually, I'm on the spectrum or things like that or whatever. Then you can explain. And maybe that personal, oh, I had no idea. Thank you for telling me. I just, I thought you weren't interested. But I think, I'm with you on, like, you don't need to put it out there to cause a divide unless you're uncomfortable with it. That's a whole other thing. Which kind of loops me back on like, really originally what I had wanted to talk to you about this was just a nice bonus for us was healing. You know, we talk about triggers. We talk about traumas all the time. I know a lot of your contents around that. Go follow Lewis if you haven't already. And we're going to put everything in the show notes so that you can. Healing while single or should you

wait or, you know, I think we can start to kind of meat and potatoes in that because I know I'm a big proponent of like, like you said earlier, your relationships are going to be a nice little flashlight on all of these aspects that you need to work on. I know that they were for me. And I am. still triggered every fucking day, but I now have the toolkit to be able to utilize that. But I'd love your thoughts on the, you know, the importance of triggers and what they teach you about in your relationships. And like, should you wait to heal before you're in a relationship or is this an ongoing process? Beautiful. I think that you and me are very aligned. Obviously, we're spoken before. You've come on my podcast. So I share very, very similar beliefs. And I'll

kind of articulate it the best way I can. So look, I'll start with from the top. So there's three things. There's traumas, traumatic reactions and triggers. There's a book behind me called You're Not Broken by Dr. Sarah Woodhouse. You can dive deep into that. It's a really good book. And a trauma is, there's a formula she has for its high levels of not feeling safe or perceived threat, overwhelm and helplessness to protect yourself. So that's where quote trauma comes from.

You can also call that fight or flight. You can call that feeling scared. So, and variations of that, it can also be named as too much, too soon, too frequency, too fast. So we all have them. don't some people think like trauma is like you quote big trauma as like rape abandonment war abuse severe abuse etc like about a trauma can not being seen not being loved not being a validated not being enough losing mum or dad in the shopping center when you're fucking four years

old like it can be not getting dropped off at school like the one for me and not feeling safe because you're freaking out i i got expelled from i got not expelled i got kicked out of kindergarten day one that was a different kind of ones for later but it's like trauma can be just the absence of love is trauma. And if you really hear that and feel that, the absence of feeling enough and feeling validated, having your needs met can be traumatic for a three-year-old. Because what's traumatic to you and me right now at the ages that we are is completely different to someone when you're two years old, six months old, three years old. So the trigger is what reveals the trauma. So I say triggers are your gifts because triggers reveal the trauma.

And then like you alluded to when you've got the toolkit, the awareness, the consciousness and the ability to go do the work is then you can heal through it. And the magnifying glass is your partner where they actually reveal more of those wounds than anywhere else. So they give you more awareness than anywhere else. So you can do more healing than anywhere else. So that's why I love it. And to answer the second sort of part to your question is should we heal first before a relationship? I've had that question a couple of times. So this is my answer to it is you quote need to in quotations because not. need is me projecting my values, but you quote need to get to a point where you are self-aware enough that you have work to do and you take ownership of doing the work. If you can just get to that point,

then I believe you're ready for a relationship because let's run a scenario where you're not. You and me are dating right now and I, you trigger me and I go into my wounds, I get in there, I say some things I don't mean. When you're triggered, you regress back to the version you were when the trauma happened. So that's why you literally throw a tantrum, regress, et cetera, because you're literally being that younger version of yourself. So say I do that and I say some nasty things and I'm in my wounds and then the dust settles. If I then don't go heal through that, then that same trauma will get triggered again. But then you've got the built up resentment and pain and negative energy from the first one.

It then builds and stacks and builds that pressure up again. And then again and then again and eventually you have this big fucking explosion where you probably leave the partner to do something really bad, etc. So you're going to destroy that relationship. But what if you, let's run that scenario again, you trigger me, I go into my wounds. When you're in your wound, do your best to just regulate and just sort of like damage control. Try not say things you don't mean the best of your ability. But once the dust settles, I've now got the awareness because I've done the work and I know how to heal.

I go do my work. And there's so many ways to do that, meditation, journaling. I have my process of doing it. Again, a spiritual healer, a fucking plant medicine ceremony, a therapist, a breathwork session. there's so many fucking ways to do it, right? But say I go then heal that, that trigger or the trauma that was getting triggered, then that won't get triggered anymore. But you'll have another one, because we've got fucking thousands of them to heal through. And then the next one comes up. And then same thing, get triggered. You go through the event and then you go heal through it.

Then that one's healed. And that's where the healing journey is so beautiful. So my answer is, what are you ready for a relationship? When you're ready to do what I just said, when you're ready to take absolute ownership of your shit, please, write this one down for the guys listening or remember this one. What someone does is their shit. How you react and respond is your shit. I could say the most hurtful fucking thing to you in the biggest, deepest insecurity that you have. If you were healed in that area, it would just bounce off you like nothing. But if it's, I love this line as well. Words only hurt to the level you believe them yourself. So if I say something that gets you, there's something there. Now,

I'm not saying tolerate bullshit and put up with toxic behavior. There's a difference between being naturally healthily triggered in a normal way, which is what happens in relationships, versus someone who's just maliciously being mean to you, being toxic to you. There's a difference, okay? So that's my answer is when you get to a level where you take ownership and you've got the awareness and the tools to do the work, I believe that's when you're ready. And you've obviously got to be with a partner who's at that same level too. Because then you hold each other accountable.

You support each other. You hold space and you love unconditionally. That's how a lot of healing is actually done, is to like, you mentioned the word shame, like it's only a trauma because we judge ourselves and there's shame upon it because we weren't loved in that moment, whatever 10, 20, 30 years ago when it happened. So being loved and held and accepted and then, again, whatever sort of processing healing strategy and tool that you use, you go do that. That for me is, that's the measuring stick that I kind of use.

100%. I couldn't agree more with everything you said. Because like I always look at it as, okay, a trauma is a cue to your nervous system that you're, or a trauma. A trigger is a cue to your nervous system that you're in danger. Okay. So now you're dysregulated. And that's the importance of understanding. I always, the first thing I'll ask, what age is this coming from? What age? Because is it a response or reaction? Because half the time, it's like, you know, you'll hear, oh, but I'm being abandoned. And I'm like, you're being abandoned. You want on one date with this person. Like, it can't be that every single

person is about to walk out. You're not dating your mother or fucking father. On that same token, though, I kind of use the same story with tech guy that like, you know, or actually even a new fucking story, because here's the reality of it. I have never been in a healthier relationship. And I'm sure you can imagine, like you have a fiance. So it's like obviously you guys have a relationship that works for you. And for me, you know, if I had stayed on, I'm going to stay single until like quote unquote heal. I would literally be single forever because that doesn't exist. There is no such thing as you're a healed version. That's it. You're Barbie. You're perfect. Go out in the world. It's like, no, you're always going to have.

those Achilles heels. You're always going to have those little things that you're like, fuck, that hurts. But the difference is, do I respond or do I react? Like I had, my brother was coming into town. And I had told this to my boyfriend, Weeksbriar. And we had known. And he had asked me like a couple weeks ago, hey, are we doing anything this weekend? I said, yeah, my brother's coming into town. He goes, oh, okay. Well, me and my roommate, you know, it's our, because we're moving in together. He's like, it's our last two raw party. They had the whole month to do it. And he was like, we're going to do it that night. And I was like, excuse me, like the one night my brother's in town. We had this planned. And so I stopped and I said, let me just understand this correctly.

My brother's coming into town. Like I was like, did I hear this right? And you're telling me that you guys want to have a party instead. And he said, he can come if he wants to. And in that moment, talk about a trigger. I didn't feel seen, heard or understood. I didn't feel safe anymore. All of a sudden I went into, who the fuck is this? I thought you cared about me and my family. And so I wrote to him and just, said, I understand that, you know, my brother, I get it. He's ADHD. Like, I understand he is a lot. And I get that you guys might be very different. And I was like, but that doesn't take away from the fact that this is my family and this means a lot to me. And I don't feel like you saw me. And he called me immediately. And we talked after, I had a couple of clients and I was like, I need to cool down. I said, I need to remove myself from this. I don't want to say something.

I'm going to regret. And when we spoke, I was able to say, can I share how this landed on me? and I may not have been as sweet and cuddly and kind as I normally am. I was a little sterner and he explained himself and I kind of came back and I was like, you know, I know that this didn't come out of malice. I said, but nonetheless, I didn't feel like you heard me. I told you we had plans. Then you disregarded that and said, well, too bad, we're having a party. And I was like, instead of having a conversation with me, we are a team.

I was like, we make decisions together about plans that we have collectively. And he just sat there and he was like, you're 100% correct. I am so sorry. and he was like, I was very selfish in that moment. And I was only thinking about myself. And you're right, this actually has nothing to do. He's like, I love your brother. I think he's great.

And he was like, this is on me. And you're right, I need to do better. That was the example for me of like, it's not just going to always be perfect and always be amazing. Now, had it been the avoidant version of him, because he was painfully avoidant at one point. And the super anxious version of me, oh, this could have been World War III.

We could have just gone to ham into pieces. But instead, because I had healed through so many things, I was able to stop and say, wait, wait, wait. Is there actually a tiger here? Am I being triggered beyond what there actually is? No, okay, there was things that upset me. Great. Now I can learn how to articulate that like a fucking adult and have a conversation about it.

Because it doesn't mean that you're never going to get triggered, but it just means, oh, I know how to know how to handle this. And if you're dating and you're, let's say, you've been doing a lot of work on yourself, you start to see that guy that's emotionally unavailable. Or the girl that is playing games with you hot and cold. prior to you starting the self-awareness, like you said, you would just look at your triggers and start, I'm not good enough, what the fuck is wrong with me?

I knew that they were better and I'm not worthy and put them on the pedestal. But then when you start to work through that, that's what you say, okay, this might be triggering for me, but I've been able to process and say, wait a minute, this is something that came from childhood. I don't know this person. This is not my dad, but this is making me feel the same way that I did at that time.

So instead of trying to prove to them like I always did to my dad to try to get him to pay attention to me, I'm going to seem little me and say that I choose her. And I'm going to walk away from situations that clearly are not leading me down the path of any kind of relationship. It's just the skill. It's the awareness. It's been able to look within. And I love that you removed yourself as well.

It's been able to, because me and Georgia had one not too long ago where it's like I said something that like in the, in the wound that whatever seven, 10, 12 year old version of me said something. I was like, fuck, I didn't mean that. But it's, yeah, then obviously, like you said, just doing the work, being able to be self-aware enough that it is your shit. And whatever's coming up is on you. It's you. Because if it wasn't there, you wouldn't be doing what you're doing. You wouldn't be in your wounds.

You would be just be able to just bounce off, ask questions in a very neutral state. So, yeah, I absolutely agree. Yeah. And I think, I think it's important for us to really shed light on this topic because there is such a fallacy of like, you know, you have to be healed to get anything. you have to love yourself fully. Like I love RuPaul. And she always says, if you can't love yourself,

how the hell is anybody going to love anybody else going to love you? And I'm with her. It's like, it's true. It's like if you can't receive love. But sometimes I think that messaging, I love RuPaul, just a spoiler alert in case anybody's going to say that I don't. But I think that messaging can sometimes be misconstrued as, oh, well, if I'm not perfectly healed,

if I don't love myself 100%, if I don't do all of these things, oh, then I'm not deserving of love. And it's like that point, I think we just restarted the cycle. Because now those core beliefs were just activated. And I am here to say firsthand, I don't know about you when you met Georgia. I know that when I met tech guy, by no means was I a healed version of myself. But what that relationship taught me and the going slow and starting to challenge all of these things was, wait a minute, what I was doing didn't work. The person I dated prior that did all the things on paper, the texting me every day and all that.

But yet when shit hit the fan when my dog was passing away and I needed somebody there, that person was nowhere to be seen. versus wait a minute, I have triggers coming up for me because of this new person I'm dating, but I want to get curious about them as opposed to storm off and fucking, this isn't going to work. This guy's not giving me what I want. He's not texting me every day. That was a conscious decision I had to make in that moment to say, am I going to show up differently or am I just going to keep being my pity party, woe is me, that it just doesn't work out. Yeah. Like to echo what you're saying, like you're never fully done. Like for anyone that believes that, show me someone who's never triggered. And if you are, if you believe that is, you're probably picturing some monk on a

hill who's meditating all day and not actually confronting the reality of life. So it's like if you're a human being who's working on you, doing life, relationships, business, career, whatever it may be, you're going to attract, this is the line I use, you attract people in circumstances to reveal the unheeled wounds that you have. So that's why what triggers you the most, healers you the most. So yeah, you're never fully done. It's like I was saying before, it's just getting to the level where you have the power within you to take ownership of your whatever shows up for you. So then you can heal through it.

So then you get to grow and evolve. And doing that with someone who's on that same level is so fucking powerful. It's the most beautiful practice that you could ever have. Like I think the idea of perfection of like, I need the perfect partner. Like, Masha and I, my friend, we were talking about it yesterday that were like one thing, I think the biggest issue we see in dating right now. off the bat is like, people don't want to compromise. It has to be this perfect version of everything you want.

And then it's like, I'm sorry, are you perfect? You're going to tell me that you're God's gift. You don't have to do anything, but the other person has to do all of that. And even to your point, like, yeah, maybe if you're a monk and it's like, and I'm sure even a monk might be triggered being like, I don't like being silent. I grew up having to be sad. There's always going to be something. And I think it's such a fallacy to think that you're not.

and I hear this all the time. I don't know if you, I don't know if you necessarily work with people specifically on dating, but obviously that's like my wheelhouse. And I'll get so many folks that'll clap back. Like, this is why I stay single, better to stay single.

And it's like, no. What you're doing is you're avoiding getting triggered and you're avoiding doing the work on yourself. You think, well, when I'm alone or like, when I'm with my friends or just in family, I'm fine. But the second I get into a relationship or I start dating, that's it.

And it's like, well, yeah, because those mimic the closest, those are the closest mimic to your child parent dynamic. Yeah. To answer the question, yeah, I have a lot of, I was saying that to start of the podcast, the work that I do is magnified in a relationship. So not, some people do come to me. So, hey, look, it's purely relationship. That's the biggest focus. But generally, it's like business, career, growth, health, parenting, etc. But like the work that I do, the biggest mirror and magnifying glass is their relationship. And I actually had someone

who was very similar to what you just said. It's like she was not connected. and opening up deep in relationships. And it's because she was protecting herself. She didn't have necessarily the belief that you said where it's like, I'd rather stay single, fuck relationships and I'd rather be single for whatever. But this is a good hit home for anyone listening. You only do things in life that serve you. And if you actually lean into that and say, well, what am I doing?

Even if you quote, don't want it, what is the benefit of what you're doing? So like I asked this client that I'm still working at the moment and she was struggling to open up, struggling to go deep, just always have these shelly relationships. So I asked her, what's the benefit of you having shallow relationships? And it's quite confronting to say, what's the benefit of smoking? What's the benefit of being detached? What's the benefit of not committing? What's the benefit of being broke?

It's hard to, it's quite confronting questions. But we got to the answer, it's like, oh, well, I'm actually protecting myself from being hurt because I've been hurt before. So it's like, wow, there's the light bulb. Great. Well, let's go back and let's because whatever you, this is, whatever you judge yourself for, you will do more of because whatever you put energy into expect. man. So if you judge yourself for being anxious, you'll be anxious. If you judge yourself for being

broke, you'll be broke. If you judge yourself for being single, you'll keep being single. So it's appreciating give love to why are you doing what you do? What's got on you to where you, what's got on you to where you are will not get you to where you want to go. So whatever coping mechanisms or strategies or habits you've developed, did serve you when you're maybe five years old, 10 years old, 18 years old, but it won't get you to the most embodied empowered version of you. So you give love and gratitude to that. But then the next question was, well, where did you start this? Where did you pick up this habit?

Where did you decide to start doing this? And it would have been hurt in a past relationship. Parents were toxic, whatever happened. Go heal that. And again, use your strategies and tools to heal that. And then you will stop doing it because you're only doing it out of, I guess, reaction or response to past hurt. Once the hurt is dissolved, then you'll stop doing it.

So it just kind of came up to me when you said that. No, 100%. I have loved, I heard a quote, like the coping mechanisms you created in childhood were ultimately be the challenges you face in your adulthood. And it's true. It's like, yeah, when I was little and I would see my dad walking out or my parents fighting or my mom not having boundaries as a child, yeah, maybe acting out, trying to get attention, crying, doing all of those things, being hyper-focused on their behavior because hyper-focus, it's like, oh, if I could just, if I could anticipate when something's going to happen, I can keep myself safe. Now, in my adulthood, it's like, it's fucking me up. It hurts your relationships. And spoiler alert,

to anybody who thinks it's just relationships, oh, boy, are you wrong? This manifests in all areas of your life. Like, I didn't realize to the magnitude that it does now that I've been in scarcity and survival mode, even in my career for the last how many years, because frankly speaking, growing up, my dad would would use money as control. It would be, you have it. And then he'd say, you know what? No, I'm not going to buy groceries this week. And it's like, the fuck, but that was his means of control over the family. That's how he, those were his coping mechanisms. I don't fault him anymore for that.

But when I am doing the work now to try and learn, where did I learn this from? Like you said, to some people, they might not see that as a trauma, but as a three-year-old seeing my mom cry or being worried or stressed or seeing that dynamic, of course you're going, I'm not safe. I'm not safe here. An egocentric age then starts to play in and you're going, oh, it must be me. It has to be me because the little pea brain of a child can't understand that. And I think for like I had my clients pretty much every day, but like today specifically when we

were talking and she was like, I know consciously this inner child work is the key for my freedom. And she was like, but fuck, it just hurts so much. And I was like, yeah, no, absolutely. But here's the thing. It really hurts to walk with a really heavy backpack, right? Really, really heavy backpack. But then when you just let it down, yeah, your back might still be hurting.

because you're you're adjusting, you're acclimating. Then you start to walk a little taller. And then the walk starts to change. And then the car and you start to see it's not about, oh, let me just move on, get over it. It's like, no, feel it, process it, live through it. Do the healing on your own that you feel like I am a big advocate. If you feel like you need to take a couple of week, a month, two months and say, I need to be alone. That's okay.

Take that time to reconnect with yourself, figure out what you love, take yourself out on. dates really fucking love yourself but then there comes a time where we got a pony up and say okay if my goal if I really really want a relationship I heard a quote that you're going to probably love maybe you probably heard it was if the goal you don't change the goal you change the plan so just because the goal if the goal is still I want a relationship I really we're humans that's normal that is literally what we were created to do is co-create and breed and do all that if that's your goal fuck yeah but if your plan's not working and every time that's the way that you date isn't working and it's causing you this anxiety, start shifting the plan,

not, okay, well, I'm just going to stay single forever because obviously I'm never going to find what I want. Yeah, that limiting belief is going to definitely keep you in that circle for one hell of a long ride. 100%. Yeah, you got to change the plan. Like, if it's not working, change, like, you don't get in life what you want, you get in life who you are. So if that's what you truly want, and I like that I like that you actually start with that because it's like, I have a lot of clients ask like, what should I do? It's all, well, what the fuck do you want? It's like, and I think it's I was going to bring it up earlier when you mentioned to it how it's like some people say,

well, I don't want a relationship, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Is that the wounded version of you speaking or the embodied version of you? Because I struggled to believe, and this might be a limiting belief in mind, but a fully healed person, again, that doesn't exist, but hypothetically, fully healed embodied, the fullest expression expressed version of someone, I can't, I struggle to say that I want to be single forever. It's like, like we were genetically not bred, but we evolved to connect, to love to like, it's our, our base expression is love. If you look at a baby, like they're not anxious, they're not holding on to the past. They don't give a fuck about people's opinions. They love, their gratitude, they're curious. That's who we are. But then we develop the ego.

That's a can of worms for later. But it's like that, that defense, I believe that's just a wall and a barrier and defends and a shield from letting people in because you've been hurt. But yeah, I believe once you've done enough work to be at a point where you're conscious enough to do the work, a relationship for me is like the ultimate growth and loving container that you'll ever get into. 100%. I knew for at least me like years ago when I was just a shitty fucking version of who I am now, just lots of trauma.

I was operating fully through that. Yeah, there were times where I, I, I, I just, I never saw this version of me coming, but I did know at one point, like I was telling my friend today, like I told her, like, a lot of people don't even know like this history I have that, like my mom had had brain aneurysms and I went through like a total breakdown having to be there for her six years ago. And that's kind of like my past life before I started my clothing company software. And I just remember thinking, yeah, you know, it sounds like shit. It sounds really hard to get to that place, to get to that healed version. This sounds really difficult. But you know what sounds even worse?

staying where I'm at now. Being in this place, staying in this personal hell that I've literally created for myself from coping mechanisms and childhood and all of these traumas and everything, I no longer wanted that to be an excuse. I wanted it to be an explanation of like, cool, that's where all this came from. And I devote every single day time to myself to do this work on myself, even if it's in moments of catching myself, calling myself out. Like none of us, Lewis and I, as great of coaches as we are in the entire planet, we're not in your your brain. We cannot be there to be like, don't do this, don't do this. So there has to be an element of reality of growing the fuck up and being like, I got to call myself on my shit. And if you're

really dedicated and saying, you know what, I'm done. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I am done with feeling this way. It might be uncomfortable. It might be difficult. It might be strange and it might be foreign. But fuck if it's going to be hard because you have been through hard. And if you limit your belief system to thinking that this is hard, then you're not going to do it. The ride that steals the spotlight every time it hits the road, that's the Volkswagen Tiguan. Its sleek exterior makes a first impression you can't ignore. Step inside to find available full leather seats and wood accents.

Under the hood, the available 201 turbocharged horsepower engine gives it a fun to drive edge. The refined Tigwan, you deserve more style. Visit vw.ca to learn more. SUV, German engineered for all. with loving compassion because everyone is doing the best of what they've got, right? Like you've got the conditioning in the program, the beliefs and the habits that you've adopted from your mom, your dad or your upbringing, whatever that looks like. But there is like, we grow on the borderline of support and challenge. They're the only two ways we grow. You need enough support that you

don't fall over and break, but you need enough challenge that you don't get soft. And it's finding that happy balance in life where life is always balanced. You just might not perceive it. So that's why you sort of stuck in a bit of a cycle. But it's for to play the role of challenge. right now is that if you're choosing to not do the work, you're choosing to have the consequences of not doing the work. If you're choosing to stay in bed and hit snooze, you're choosing to be unhealthy. If you're choosing to smoke a cigarette, you're choosing to have the consequences of smoking a cigarette. And again, I say that with love because you are doing the best of what you've got, but once you're blessed with awareness, which is what you're gifting to the world, which is what

this podcast does and what you and me do for others, once you're aware of it, it's on you. and you've got to own that. Like once, if you're a third world country, you're living in a third world country, you haven't got clean water to drink, you've got no food to eat, like, fair enough. Like, fuck me,

like fair enough. But if you've got the fucking internet and you're not fucking Googling, it's like people, I've got friends and family who struggle financially and they're out getting fucking drunk on the weekend. It's like,

spend, go buy rich dad, poor dad for fucking 10 bucks, or there's probably a YouTube version of it for free, read it, learn it, apply it. It's like, if you're choosing to go out and do that,

you're choosing to have financial hardship. So, Yeah, it's just sort of like, I think you were sort of going down more of a challenging route. I just wanted to jump on that train with you. But it's, yeah, like you're choosing the problems you have in your life. If you're choosing to be single because you aren't doing the work, then that's your choice. Or you can choose the emotional healing path, which can be scary. If you've got a beautiful coach like yourself and myself that do this work and can hold your hand for you,

but again, you get to choose your battles. You can choose to be triggered and scared and just put up the walls and avoid the relationship because you've been hurt before or you can choose to look within. And that's completely on you. 100%. I'm so glad you said that because I love to empower people. Like anytime I hear it's like, why are they doing this? I'm like, why are you allowing it? You know that you have just as much say in this situation as anybody else. Like just because somebody is treating you poorly doesn't mean you have to stick around.

But that is 100% where I'll go. Like you are now making a conscious decision. Don't give me this bullshit that, oh, I just can't stop myself. like all of us. I would love, you know what, I'd love to be fucked up all the time. Sure, would I like to be on drugs all the time and living in a different land? Yeah, but I'm also an adult that knows that I need to take care of myself and I need to be on planet Earth. And if you're in something that makes you feel like shit that is not serving you, we can't just keep using the excuse, well, I'm not healed and I haven't done that. It's like there has to be an element of ownership and

accountability that we take within ourselves to say, you're right. That is on me. I did not. make this conscious choice. So I'd like to, I kind of like to end with what is your favorite, like healing modality? What is something that you're just like, I, this is like something that you've really seen has helped you, clients, whatever. I'd love if you share even a couple of things that you just really love and believe in. Beautiful. And there's, I've kind of thrown a couple of them throughout the podcast, but my favorite one, I like processing thing. I'm a very Asperger's, analytical, black and white physics, mass sort of person, less sort of energetics. I do like energetics and I've actually just paid for a Reiki energy healer to sort of go down that rabbit

hole. So I think we might have spoken about that last time we connected. But so I'm excited to explore that rabbit hole because it's one I haven't yet gone down too far. But I'm a processor. So I like analytically processing things. So if you listen to the book I referred to before, you're not broken. There's the trauma is unprocessed memories. So I have a process of how to process it. So how do you go step by step? Obviously, regulate and obviously have your hand held if you need to, but go through and actually process it. So trauma is just judgment at a high level, and you can have a little bit of judgment. This person pisses you off of it versus this person is the fucking incarnation of the devil.

They need to fucking die. I fucking hate them. It's like because of what they did. Again, it's just judgment. And trauma is a very extreme version of it. So it's been able to be aware of it and then process it step by step. That's my favorite way because that's what aligns most of my personality type. But there's limitations of that.

And there's limitations with all forms of healing because like energy healing is. more powerful for things you're not conscious of. Because my way is limited where, and I say my way, my preferred style is limited because if you can't remember it, if you don't know what happened when you were in your womb space, which you probably don't, I'd be surprised if you do, or when you're three years old or whatever, you probably don't consciously remember it. But your nervous system, as you've said, the body keeps the school. That's a book that's behind me right now as well. And your nervous system will remember it. And that's where probably an energy healer, a plant medicine ceremony, and energy, like, that's where probably those rabbit

holes are probably worth exploring. My favorite is the analytically processing, like, whenever you have judgment. So if someone pisses you off, you can't hang around someone, someone presses your butt and someone annoys you, someone fucks with you, someone's fucked you over, done you wrong. I can do that step by step. That's my favorite style. Second, I'm a big plant medicine man. I love mushroom trips. I do that every three or six months. It's a recalibration and it's a healing experience because it's, it's deep in you subconsciously. And they're probably the two that I do the most. Breathwork sessions.

I've done a couple really powerful healing breathwork sessions. They were really, really cool. I'm not trained in it yet. It's something I will do in the future. And I'm excited to go down the energy healing path. I can't say it's a favorite because I haven't really done it. So I'm excited to explore that way. But yeah, probably processing consciously, plant medicine,

and probably breathwork would be my top three. Love it. Yeah, I've tried, I've done all of that. Like, Reiki, my friend was like a Reiki master in New York, and you would do it all the time. It's beautiful. Like, it's emotional. It's powerful. Just do, anybody know, please do plant medicine under advise, under with somebody.

Don't just go and buy mushrooms, psychedelic mushrooms and take them on your own. Please, please make sure you are under supervision. Like, I do ketamine treatments, but with a doctor supervision, that's been powerful. But, Lewis, thank you so fucking much for being on the podcast. Thank you for your vulnerability. And if people want to find you, obviously I'll put in the show notes, but just in general, where can they find you and work with you? Beautiful.

Thank you for your time. This has been beautiful. You've obviously helping so many people. So it's been, hopefully I've added a little bit of value today. And my Lewis Huck's step across the board is Instagram is number one. So if you actually want to have a conversation, I talk to everyone that gets to me. Sometimes I'm a bit slow, but I'm getting better at that. But Instagram, Facebook, LinkedIn, TikTok.

So I do have a website to pretty shit right now. So don't go to the website. But Instagram is probably number one. Perfect. I will link that in the show notes for anybody that wants to. Louis, thank you again so,

so much. Go enjoy your next day because you're in the future with us while we start to wind down ours here. Enjoy your afternoon. Thank you. Thanks, Lewis.