The Sabrina Zohar Show - 34: First date questions, trauma dumping vs getting deep and how to ask questions of depth on a date?

Episode Date: September 8, 2023

On this weeks solo episode, Sabrina goes over a SLEW of questions you can ask on the first or second date that range from light/fluff to deeper more emotionally available questions! Want to work with Sabrina? HERE! Stuck After the Podcast? Master Implementation in 8 Weeks with Sabrina's Foundation Course Join the Make It Make Sense: Getting Through a Breakup course HERE! Get Ad-free episodes and 2 Bonus episodes a month HERE! Dont forget to follow Sabrina and The Sabrina Zohar Show on instagram and Sabrina on Tik tok! Video now available on YOUTUBE!  Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formally known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A.Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Welcome to another episode of Do the Work podcast. My name is Sabrina Zohart and I am your host. Guys, I'm so excited. Another week, another solo episode. I'm doing my best babes. I know you guys like more of the solos. I'm trying to incorporate as many as I can. And we have Tech Guy on the podcast next month.

I can't fucking believe it. Ah, guys, thank you to all of you for following on Do the Works Instagram for liking the comment or for liking the podcast, for giving it a five star. If you haven't already, please do that. And just thank you for everything. I'm so excited. On this week, we are talking about a highly requested episode. First date questions to ask, how do you know trauma dumping versus getting to know somebody

deeper on a level? And how do you ask questions of depth? And we're ending it with, how do you share an STI? How do you talk about that? And how do you accept somebody that is sharing that with you? So I'm super excited. Guys, you know, as always, if you need anything from me, link in bio in the show notes. You can ask me a question.

Work directly with me one-on-one if you want. Tech I and I are doing the dating app audits where we do a full audit on your profile and give you whether it's good or bad, all of our honest feedback so they have a better chance. There's a free guide. Talkspace is offering $85 off your first month of therapy. And of course, as always, Open is giving a free month of meditation. It's my favorite app and I use it every single day. So super excited. Just want to let you guys know there's so many resources, the link here in the show notes, and there's a free guide on steps to heal your anxious attachment style and self-soothing techniques. So, yep. But without further ado, my babes, let's get right on to this week's

episode. All right, guys, we're here for another week. I love solo episodes. They're seriously one of my favorite ways to reconnect with you guys and to come back. And so I'm super, super excited. Can't wait to be back with you guys. And yay, here we go. I think, so I do a lot on the Instagram and on TikTok, the Instagram, what am I fucking my parents? I do a lot on Instagram and TikTok and I talk all the time about like things to talk about on a first date, questions to ask on a first date, ways to connect on a first date. Is it trauma dumping or are you getting to know somebody? And I think a lot of you guys have asked for clarity on that. So I want to be able to talk about what are things that we should actually be talking about in a first date. And I think, you know, a lot of people are dealing with

their own shit. You know, we have to remember everybody that's coming on to a first or second date has their own things that are happening, has their own life, has their own traumas, has their own triggers, has their own baggage. And we are all trying to show up in the best light that we can. And we can be more intentional about the way that we do that. But we also have to shed this idea that like you have to be perfect on a first date or that you have to show up in the best way. Like I have a, like one of my really close friends, we've been working together just through her stuff. And, you know, she always thinks, I have to be perfect. I have to show up in this amazing, incredible version of myself. But the reality is when you're out there dating, like people are

trying to connect with other humans. They're not trying to connect with people that are trying to pretend not to be. Because if you want to have a real connection with somebody, there is a part of being vulnerable. There is an aspect of, you know, what is vulnerability? It's sharing parts of yourself that somebody else might not like that they might leave you for. And it could be, you know, vulnerability could be something as simple and cute as like when I was a kid, I used to play Barbies all the time because it was like a fun little escape for me with all the things that I was going through growing up. You don't have to go deeper. You don't have to share more. But what you are you, you are sharing with somebody is a little bit under the hood. And if they say, oh, really what happened,

that's when you can set the boundary and say, I'm not really comfortable talking about that. I'd much rather keep it on about other topics. But it's something that I'd love to share with you as we get to know each other and evolve and encourage and grow in this relationship. But, you know, for years, for fucking years, I used to be so scared to ask somebody like, what are your intentions with dating or what is it that you wanted of a relationship or how did your last relationship and what did it teach you about yourself. I used to be really scared because I think I had the same thought process and mindset that most other people have of like, you're going to be too much Zohar and nobody's going to like you and you're going to scare people away. And I think,

you know, I dated in New York, L.A., Miami. Like I've dated in all the major cities, so I've definitely had different experiences and I think the average person. And one thing that I've noticed is like, anytime I've come in with those preconceived notions of I'm going to be too blank, too much, too needy to this, to that, those are my. own limiting beliefs and those are my own core beliefs that I am projecting onto the other person because I am making the assumption that the information I'm about to share is going to be too much for somebody else when that's not fair. They might have had, they might not have had any say in this and all of a sudden it's like, well, how did you know that was too much for me? You know,

if you had just talked to me about it. And I think, you know, tech guy said it perfectly the other day. My friend asked him, what does it mean to be in a long term relationship and something that's healthy? And he was like a healthy, secure, long term relationship. is one giant conversation. And I don't think he could have said it any better because he was like, it's just constant communication. We're constantly saying, hey, how did that make you feel? Are you okay? Do you feel supported? Did I do something that hurt you? How can I show up? How can I own this? What can I do to make you feel more comfortable? Sometimes there will even just be moments where I'll just share with him, like, for instance, the other day, you know, because I'm a fucking human, I was asked to

read for a show. And I was going really in depth. I mean, you all know me. I'm a deep fucking person. And I was going well above their heads. You know, I could see that the past part of the show was light, fluffy, and airy. And then they asked me to kind of read for it and be on as one of the guests. And when I left, instead of being super secure and confident in myself and being like, fuck yeah, I killed it. Like at first I was, I was like, man, I did a great job.

And then all of a sudden, I had this wave of panic of, oh, my God, you were too much. You were way too much. See, here we go again, Sabrina. If only you weren't so fucking much, like if you were just shallow, if you were just shallow, if you could just stay on the surface and not go deeper, you wouldn't scare these people away. And now, so here was the thing. I was proud of myself that I was able to assess that and say, oh, whoa, okay, this is what came up for me. Wow, that's growth.

But then I was proud of myself that I went a step further. And I was like, okay, well, do I have facts to back this up? Like, do I know that this is the reason? Do I know that this is why they don't want me? No, this is the narrative that I'm creating for myself because that reaffirms those core beliefs. And this is what I used to do after a first date. I would leave a first date and call my mom and just say, like, I wish I wasn't so fucking deep and I wish I didn't have all these emotions and I wish I didn't feel,

why can't I be like these people that don't feel anything? Why can't I? And I used, it's so funny because I'd say that to her and she would regurgitate exactly what I would say to her when she was dealing with all these things with my dad, which was, I don't feel jealous for the people that can't feel. I don't feel jealous for the people that can't express themselves or can't open up or can't be vulnerable. The reason don't feel jealous about those people is because they don't get to deep feel on all these different levels that I get to feel on. And so, So when it comes to getting back in the dating world, like there's a reason I'm talking about all this. The reason I'm bringing all this up and we're talking about getting back into the dating world and questions and getting deeper and probing is because this is going to trigger within you a lot of things that are going to come up.

There are going to be questions that you might ask somebody and they might ask for a response back. And that's usually why a lot of people don't want to have deeper conversations or really, really get into that depth is because they're more terrified of having to answer it themselves. It makes them feel uncomfortable that they even have to respond to something than it does. to ask the other person. Because more often than not, what is it? We're scared of being too much, being too needy,

fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, all the fears start to come up. And the problem is, a couple of things, we've been there before. We know this. Like, I know anybody listening to this,

you know what you feel like when you're anxious. You know what it feels like when you're not speaking your truth and you're limiting yourself and you're watering yourself down to make somebody else be more comfortable. So since we've been doing that for so long,

why don't we try something a little bit different? And so I've come up with a bunch of first date questions that you can ask that vary between super light and shallow and going a little deeper. The first thing I want to talk about here is a lot of people, I'll hear it. My friends will say, yeah, you know, this person, I started talking about attachment styles or I had a client and he was like, yeah, I'll ask people like, are you emotionally available? And it's like, I think we need to be cognizant to the questions that we're asking people. You're asking for a lot of self-awareness from people that may might not have any idea. And then I would ask, do you know what? things mean? Do you know what it means to be emotionally available? Do you really understand what

attachment styles are? Do you really understand the love languages? Because if you don't, that's okay, then we just don't need to bring it up. But I think tech I always brings us up. He's like, I think people are using attachment styles like they are horoscopes. Everybody is like self-identifying with these attachment styles. So it's like, while you can ask somebody, hey, which way do you normally lean? Are you a bit more avoidant when it comes to things or more anxious? Yes, you can ask that. But with some of the questions that I've kind of come up with, that probe will give you the answer without you having to ask for it outwardly. You're not going to have to go right up and ask somebody, hey, so are you anxious or avoidant? Because they're going to probably look at you and be like,

I don't fucking know. Because you got to remember, people will usually respond in the way that they want to be seen. So if you were to ask somebody right now, what kind of relationship do you want? I want something secure and healthy. I want something good. Okay, well, what does that mean? What does that mean to you? Usually that's where you get people they'll stop. Healthy. Okay, what does healthy mean to you? What does the cure mean to you?

So it's like we can probe and ask questions and get people to answer in ways that maybe they are not even fucking used to already. I don't think we need to always be so outward because I think it's very buzzwordy. That's like when you ask a guy what their horoscope is, most of them are going to roll their eyes. You know, you just ask them what their birthday is. I think they figure it out. That's what I mean. It's like you don't have to ask for their sign.

You can just ask, so when were you born? Do you know what time you were born from? for all my horoscope girlies, you get it. So, okay, when we're talking about light and shallow questions, something like, what's an activity you've recently picked up on or want to or would like to? That's a great thing. So if somebody's like, oh, my God, pickleball, because that's what everybody in their fucking mother is doing right now. Great.

Area of a conversation. If somebody said that, I'd be like, oh, my God, I've been dying to try pickleball. How is it? Is it fun? Is it as active? There we go. We're starting a conversation. Where do you do it at?

Do you do this often? You can start to gauge how do they prioritize things in their life. So, or if you could visit any city in the world right now, where would you go? Just understanding this person, have they traveled extensively? Where have they been? Are they cultured? Where is on their bucket list? Does that match your bucket list?

See? Like, or what's it? What's a movie or TV show that you watch all the time? Listen, let's go back to it. Let's call a fucking what it is. Are you a friend's person or you a Seinfeld person? We all know. My brother is a filmmaker and he makes this point all the time.

He's like, nobody actually likes friends because you like friends. It's the most unrealistic show. I'm sorry, we're going off on a tangent, but I'm just going to say it. It's not New York. As somebody who lived in New York for 12 years, none of that was accurate. As much as I love sex in the city, you can't afford that apartment. But it just, you know, it gives you to understand sense of humor. Because if somebody were like, I watch all of these shows, I would probably just look and be like,

I don't resonate with any of those or I don't know any of them. Is that an area of opportunity for me? Sure. But could it also tell me about their sense of humor? Absolutely. So then when we start to go into a little bit more, mid-level kind of questions that you could ask. Who has influenced your life the most? It's a really nice question because it can lead to a really sweet and beautiful conversation. Imagine if somebody's like my grandfather,

like I know when I talked to tech guy, I think I had asked him that and he was like my grandfather. And it was this beautiful little memory he shared with me of like how inspired he is by his grandfather. And what that taught me was like, awesome. This person was had good people in their life that was able to lead them in a direction. They had good role models. So it's really important to understand like why we're asking these questions. There's a message to the fucking mat. trust me. So, and, you know, I think also when we're probing and asking questions, like, so many people will say nowadays, like dating is just so hard and oh my God, everything's so difficult. And it's like, on the contrary, I'm looking at dating nowadays as a lot freer. Now hear me the fuck out.

The reason I see dating as being freer now is because, one, women are liberated. We do not need to get married at 18 and have children because society has said that we can wait or not have kids and that is more than okay. Personally, I don't even know if I want children. I've thought about this all the time. So that's a me thing. If somebody were to ask me on a date like tech I did, do you want to have kids? And I said, I'm not sure yet, to be honest. But I would 100% understand if that's a non-negotiable for somebody.

If somebody's like, yes, I'm diehard on children. I want them. And I was saying I don't. It's right there. Not compatible. So I think, you know, right now in dating, we're actually able to date people and see them for who they are. We have resources out on ways to help ourselves.

People were getting divorced back in the day, left, right, and center almost all of us, a lot of us listening, obviously not all of us. There's a lot of people that are still together, but a good portion of people are divorced now. And it's like, well, yeah, we don't have to rush into a relationship. We don't have to miss the red flags. We don't have to settle because society said at 25, you're a quote unquote old maid and you need to get married. So we don't have to do any of these things. And that's why I think dating now has given us this opportunity of liberation, of actually dating people for who the fuck they are so that we could date people that we actually connect with. That's a huge area of opportunity that we have not had in the past.

In the past, women were not able to ask these questions. And that's why I think a lot of the times, if you feel very uncomfortable getting this deep and asking these questions, it could be because you were raised in a household that wasn't safe to do so. And that's okay. But it's the awareness of, okay, how can I support myself and be there for myself? So one of my favorite questions that I love that actually my brother brought up was, what's a piece of literature, artwork, a movie or something that changed the way you viewed the world or that shaped you into who you are. Because like, I know my brother, when he said that,

I was like, oh my God, you're right. You used to watch Ren in Stimpy all the time. And that's how it shaped him. Versus for me, it was like Barbie and Spice Girls and Victoria's Secret models, which is like, I had it, one, I had a problem with food and body image, yay. But two, it's like, cool, that's where I wanted to be saved.

And that's what, it's like, it shows you a bit of a mentality of people. And it may be, can give you an understanding of people. So I really like this, question two, what's something that you're proud of but never really have an excuse to talk about? I love that because what you're doing is you're giving people the opportunity to celebrate a win with you so that you can see their excitement and understand them a little bit more. It's such a great question. So now, now let's go into a little bit of deeper ones, a little bit of probing a little deeper. Now again, you don't have to get into these on the first date if you really don't feel

comfortable. But, you know, it's funny, before I even get into this, I asked tech guy yesterday. I said, what are questions that you think should be non, like, no go, don't touch. And honestly, I couldn't think of any. And when I, I googled it, I was curious. I was curious to see what Google said. And it was a, it was disagreement. It was like, don't ever talk about exes. Don't talk about politics, religion, all that.

And I was like, but by by avoiding those questions, you're also avoiding actually seeing if this is somebody that you genuinely want to have a future with. Why would I want to go out with somebody who was completely opposing political and religious views if that's a non-negotiable for me? Why would I want to continue to see somebody who doesn't want a relationship and just want something casual versus having this conversation and finding out on the first date? It doesn't mean that you need to fight about your religion or your politics, but you can just mention it of like, hey, it's really important. Or put that on your fucking profile. Talk about this before you even get on the date.

If it's a non-negotiable for you, then be clear about it. If it's something like, hey, I don't want to go out with somebody if you've done this. Like, hey, I'm going to be honest, during COVID, that was a big way to weed people out. because I wasn't like when the people would say like I need you to be 12 you know six feet away and sit across me I'd be like don't fucking waste my time then don't fucking go on a date with me so it was it was helped me to see like I was like yeah yeah I'm not I'm not that strict on this shit like if you're gonna sit outside at a coffee shop and sit across me wearing a mask then like I'd rather just not go on the date with you so it's like there are certain things that it allows you to understand a person's mental state and where they are depending on certain ones of these questions so I don't think that they should be avoided altogether but I think you can ask questions and also know when to stop and go hey okay okay okay, I think maybe we're getting heated. Let's remove ourselves from this conversation. This is where being an adult plays in. So when it comes to the deeper questions,

how do you want to be remembered? How do you want to be, how do you want people to remember you? I think somebody had asked me that, and I was like, I want to be remembered in the way that made people feel safe and comfortable to be themselves. Because that's my goal.

That's why I do everything I do. And you see how asking that question allows me to then talk about things that I do and things that are passionate to me? because you are giving people the space to actually be themselves. Then I would say, though, if you're going to do that, make sure you're listening and actually watching them who they are because believe them when they tell you who the fuck they are.

So is there something that you wish you could tell your younger son? Oh. That one's probably a loaded question. And you've got to be cognizant of that. If I said to my younger self, like, you're not too needy, you're not too much. You are just enough as you are. and I love you and accept you as you are.

That's something I wish I could tell younger me. No, those people's opinions of you have nothing to do with you. I'm here to tell you that. I didn't have anybody that said that to me. And that could, you know, and that's where if I were to say that to somebody, I would say, listen, I don't want to go any further. That's the boundary I'm setting, yeah, yeah, I don't want to go over. But I'm comfortable sharing that.

So what's one thing you wish people knew about you that they probably don't? Great question. Maybe somebody is like, like tech guy. If I asked him that, he might say, I'm a total goofball. I'm really closed off at first. It takes me a minute for people to open up to people. But man, once I do, I'm a complete fucking, I'm ridiculous. I wish you had told me that because that's the truth.

But I think it could give the opportunity for someone to be able to at least share a part of themselves that most people aren't asking. And the beautiful thing is like, anytime I'd go on these dates and ask these questions of depth, almost every time somebody would say, and even tech guy, when I asked him, like, why do you like me? he was like because of the things that you asked. He was like, no woman was asking me these questions. People weren't trying to get deep.

They weren't really trying to get to know me. They were trying to keep it surface. And that's okay. If like, listen, if you're there, then you can't be shocked if your relationships don't have a lot of depth to them. But it's really beautiful when you're standing in your power and saying, I feel comfortable and confident to ask these questions. So here are my standout questions.

Those were some good ones to think about. My first and second date, I always ask, how'd your last relationship end? And what did it teach you about yourself? I will say this until I'm fucking blue in the face, my babes. Asking somebody, you are not talking about their ex. By asking somebody, how did your last relationship bend and what did it teach you about yourself, you are finding out how they processed the situation? How did they handle the situation?

Were they a fucking adult about it? Are they a narcissist that blames everybody else? Did they take accountability and ownership? Did they say, yep, this is me and this is who I am and this is what happened and I take full ownership and I, even if it's infidelity, there's a way to handle these things. it's really important to find this out so that you don't waste your fucking time. Because then that could also lead to, what are your intentions with dating? What is it that you want?

Because if somebody tells you, like I've had clients that will say, oh, yeah, you know, like this person told me they don't want a relationship. And then two months later, here we are. And it's like, why are you not listening to this person? Like they're telling you, they're telling you the red flag that you're just glaringly, like, bypassing. So I think what my question I love and I ask tech guy was, what is one thing that you used to accept in a relationship that you're no longer

willing to accept. That's huge. That shows so much growth. If I asked that to somebody who has not done any work on themselves, they'd probably be like, what? I don't know, like a girl that calls me. It's like, boy. Versus, for me, for instance, like if somebody asked that, I'd be like reciprocity and consistency. I grew up in a household where neither one of those were prevalent. And for me, I'll never forget, tech I always said, effort equals interest. From, he got that from my profile. He even said to me, I can't wait to show you how interested I actually am by the effort I'm about to put forth. And I was like, Great. Let's fucking see. Because I would say effort equals interest.

I want somebody that is reciprocal and consistent. I'm not going to. I'm not going to settle for any luck. Not going to. Because that is the basis of a healthy relationship. Somebody who shows up for you consistently and somebody who is reciprocal. It's a tennis match. I serve the ball.

You serve it back. We're going back and forth here. This is not a one way. A non-reciprocal chase is not going to bring you any fucking joy in your relationships. So what are your intentions to dating? another one. I love this. What's a lesson in life that you had to learn the hard way? And I'd be curious, as I'm asking these questions, what's coming up for you guys as you're hearing them if you're like, oh, fuck? Yeah, I guess you're right. I wouldn't want somebody to ask me that because

that makes me uncomfortable. I know. Here's a biggie. Instead of asking somebody, are you anxious or avoidant? How do you handle conflict in relationships? Let them tell you who they are. How do you handle conflicts in a relationship. Great. If they're avoiding, they're going to say, I usually remove myself. I need some time alone. And then you can say, oh, really, are you always like that? Do you communicate that with your partner? Or do you just usually remove yourself? You're not diagnosing them. The point of these isn't to be like, oh, so you're avoiding, oh, okay, well, then I don't want to date you. It's like, this is for you to be like, okay, they're a bit more avoidant. They don't know how to handle confrontation. They don't, got it. Okay, I'm putting these in my head.

This is just part of the, do I want to see this person again or not? Back and forth. Not, am I diagnosing this person? And the same thing. How do you cope when life gets overwhelming? Again, same kind of the way to ask. Like, or yeah, the how do you handle conflict in a relationship? Can you give me an example of a time when it was challenging for you? And how did you handle it? So if like for me, if I were like, oh man, if somebody asked me that, I'd say, yeah, that's a great question. Okay. I think, I mean, if I were talking about my last relationship was the one before tech guy, the guy I was dating had, frankly speaking, erectile dysfunction. he was either coming in about five seconds flat before we could even start. He was already finishing or he just couldn't get hard. And I had to already establish. I was like, all right.

And he always told me like, this is not about you. Like this is my own thing. And I was like, okay, like obviously you're still dating me and you still want to be with me. And when it happened kind of the last time, there was a tough conversation that I had to have. And I said, you know, hey, do you want to talk about this? Like, do you want to go see a doctor? You know, how do you want to handle this? Like, I'm here to support.

But it's been over a month and we haven't had sex. Like properly. I'm a woman with needs. Like this is not okay with me. And he said, yeah, yeah, you know, we'll figure that out. And then he went to the bathroom and came back and went, you know, I think the reason I can't is, I don't know if I'm attracted to you. And I was like, what?

And so this was me. And I said, let me understand this better. How long have you been feeling this? And he goes, oh, right now. I said, what do you mean? He goes, I think you're absolutely gorgeous. He goes, but I don't know, if I can't get hard, it must be because I'm not into you. And I was like, oh, my God.

This person doesn't even process. And so me, the way that I handled it, as I said, well, I deserve better than this. And I was like, if you're going to tell me that you're not sure you're attracted to me, you're not sure you're into me. You can't even process through this. You're not even sure if you like my personality. Then why am I here? And you're like, no, no, no.

I want to keep dating. And I said, that's good for you. I don't. And I left. And that's how I handled challenging situations. And you know what? I met tech guy a week later because I didn't accept bullshit from somebody. And instead, I put myself first.

Awesome. Great. That would, if somebody answered that to me, I'd be like, that's fucking hot. You've got a lot of self-respect for yourself. You've got, you communicate clearly. and you walk away from things when it's no longer serving you. That's really brilliant.

And I'm really awesome. That's awesome. See what I mean? So now we go into the difference between deep questions versus trauma bonding or trauma dumping, sorry. There is a very big difference between asking deep questions. So deep questions are designed to understand your values, your beliefs, your ethics, your morals, and seeing somebody's interest.

you're both, there's also a thing called consent. You're both entering into the conversation with a mutual understanding of like willingness and the ability to share. If you're asking the question, this person is consenting to answer and you're trying to encourage vulnerability and have them open up. Like it's, it's incredible to have that experience with somebody where you can have conversations of death. Versus trauma dumping.

Trauma dumping is an unsolicited. act of oversharing, essentially, and sending like deeply traumatic or distressing and distressing information. And the whole thing about it is there's no consent. One party feels overwhelmed and burdened because they didn't consent to receiving all of this information. And that it might be not intentional, but trauma dumping can be a way for the person that's dumping to seek emotional relief out of distress. Because if they can just get it out, oh, okay, I feel better. And like a lot of people like, they'll trauma dump and do that.

And I'm like, well, why did you have to share that information? Well, but I have to get it out. It's like, did you though? Like I have one of my good friends and she's going back and forth of do I tell this person that I used to be on medication. And I said, but what is that? How does that change the circumstances? Why do you feel like you self-identify?

You used to be medicated and you're no longer. Okay, that's just part of your story. That doesn't mean that's who you are. That doesn't make you who you are. That's just a part of your journey. Same with me. I've got a lot of parts of my stories that I might not be proud of. But I don't self-identify with them and I don't shame myself for experiencing those things.

It's just part of my life. So we have to be really cognizant of that of like, is it adding to this? I'll never forget. I went on the second date with this guy and I fucking trauma dump. I started crying. It wasn't intentional. And since then, we've remained friends. Like, we never even did anything.

We were never romantic. And I remember I was telling him about my brother. And all of a sudden I started to cry and I started to share about my dad. And I remember at the end, he looked at me and he was like, thank you for sharing all this. He was like, I just don't know what to do with it. And that's where I, and the next day, I was mortified. I apologize. I was so sorry. We went on a couple more dates and just realized we're better off his friends. And he's right, we were. But it was really, you got to be cognizant of the information that you're sharing with people because you also don't know who the fuck

these people are. So, you know, it's about trauma dumping is sharing personal experience, but the difference is that there's a mutual understanding about that information that's about to come somebody's way. So, you know, deep, like trauma dumping might not consider the emotional boundaries or readiness of the other person, whereas asking a question, that person can set a boundary and say, I don't feel comfortable answering this. Different, different, completely different. And I would say, the only question that I find wildly inappropriate to ask on a first date,

and TECA and I talked about this is sexual history. You have no fucking right to ask somebody how many people they have slept with or what their body count is because let me fucking clarify something for you. If you think that is important in determining somebody's worth, boy, oh boy, how insecure you must feel. If you think that somebody's body count has any correlation with who they are as a person, listen, I was a fucking little hoe when I lived in New York and I will be the first to admit that. I was sleeping with guys because you're right, I was wildly insecure in myself.

And I was trying to seek the validation of other people. That's why I was doing that because I was hoping that that was going to be it. But do, should that be, should that dictate who I am? Fuck no. I am not that person. I am just a person who experienced that. So if you're going to look at me and be like, she slept with too many people, I wouldn't want that.

Well, then let me tell you something, little dick energy. What that says to me is, I'm insecure. I don't want a woman that's gone out and slept with other people because she knows what she likes and what she doesn't and she could probably teach me a thing or two. Same with men. It's not of your fucking business. how many people he slept with. What matters is, has he been tested? And is he sleeping with anybody unprotected while you're sleeping with him? That, you're right. But no, there is no reason

to ask somebody what their fucking body count is. Just no reason. It's just inappropriate. I don't care how you slice and dice this. Go talk to your fucking therapist and come back and tell me that it is appropriate. Andrew Tate. I don't want to fucking hear it. So I think here's a, here's some questions. I'm going to give you some scenarios. Tech guy came up with this question, actually. What I really like. If you were to granted 48 hours of free time, how would you use that? And it shows you how people operate and where their priorities are. Like, I think if somebody asked me, I'd be like, ooh, that's a great question.

Like, I'd go for a workout. I'd go get a cupcake. I'd probably, like, hang out and, like, smoke some weed and relax and do that. That's my thing. That's what I like to do. It's great. It's a great way because if somebody tells you something and you're like, ew, I don't want somebody that, like, I don't know, does this or that, whatever it is.

So it's really good. So you can also, like, are you? a morning person or a night owl. Really great information to ask somebody because I'm up at 5 a.m. I'm not going to date somebody that works nightlife and is working until 4 in the morning. It's never going to work for us.

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Saving those children is how we all go home. From binge all episodes exclusively on Paramount Plus. So how do you prioritize work, friends, and family and personal time? Let them give you an interesting. Is there a place on your bucket list you've always wanted to visit? How do you usually spend time with your friends and family? Like, do they go over? Do their friends live here?

Like, all of these things. What qualities do you value most in a partner? How do you feel about open communication in a relationship? these are all really great questions just ask casually. And so here the number one thing I got was, how do I ask these questions, Zohar? How do I just go out? Now, if you're somebody like me who half the time doesn't have a fucking filter,

it's very easy to talk about these things because I don't shut the fuck up. I always have something to talk about and I'm always coming up with another question because I'm genuinely curious about people. That's even when I do one-on-one sessions. I'm always probing questions because I need to understand more about this person before I make an assessment, before I create, I'll do that with tech I even. I'll say, wait a minute. Before I go further, did I hear you say this correctly so that I can understand?

Got it. That's what you meant to say. Thank you for clarifying. So how you do it, start with a lighter topic. That's the first thing. So do you have any favorite books or movies? And then that's when you can progress and be like, oh, yeah, what is your, do you think that there was one of those that changed the way you perceived the world or, you know,

shaped you into who you are? See how you went from something light and were able to go into deeper? Seameless. Perfect. Or relate to a shared experience. Like if you both like traveling. Is that a trip that was transformative for you? Oh my God.

Yeah. When I, you know, like I talk about when I went to Israel, I'm like, oh my God, that place was incredible. It was so healing. Did you have that same experience or was it just me? You know, or if like a shared hobby, like what drew you to to pickleball? Was it because of a friend? Get to know people.

Ask them questions so that you can actually fucking get to know who this. person is. So use open-ended questions. Do you enjoy your job? What parts of it do you love the most? Yeah. What's the most rewarding part of what you do? What's the most rewarding part of your job? See how these are not just like, so what do you do for work? That could get boring. Another way to do this, share something about yourself first. So like, this can be, make somebody feel more at ease. And I think that's where I, that's usually my way of doing things. It's like, I can get people to feel more comfortable with me because I'll share something about myself first so that they can feel, oh, I can disarm.

This is a safe space. So, like, you know, I've always believed that families shape a lot of our experiences. How is your family influenced your perspectives or choices? If somebody asked me that, I'd be like, yeah, you're right. You know, my sister and my brother had a really big part in my life, especially my sister. Like, we're really close, not really as much anymore, which is a bummer, but like we were really close and, you know, we have very similar styles and things like that. So it's like, you know, and then like another way, reflect on their responses.

if they mentioned something significant. Like, that sounds like a pivotal moment. How did that experience shape you? So if somebody was like, yeah, you know, when this happened, when I was 10, I broke my fucking skull. Holy shit. That sounds really intense.

How did that shape you? How did that affect your future? That must have been something. Probe. Be curious and not confrontational. Like, then you can also, like, this was a really great way, like approach with a genuine curiosity

of like, I've always been fascinated by how people gauge success. Like, what does success mean to you? And then the last thing, please be prepared to listen. Be prepared to listen. When you are asking these questions, you're not listening, waiting for them to stop talking so that you can start talking after. You're asking these questions because you're learning about this person.

This isn't the you show. This is the we show. You're trying to get to know them so that when you leave, you can say, how did I feel when I was with them? Did they ask me questions? Were they asking things that were important? Were they listening to me? Were they making it a safe space?

Did they feel seen, hurt, and understood? Did I feel seen hurt and understood? These are the things that you can ask. So the last thing I'm going to go over, which a lot of you guys have asked me about, is how do you talk about an STI? It's an important conversation to have. So I have lived in New York and L.A.,

like I said, for my whole adult life. So it is nothing new to me to have somebody tell me that they've an STI. But there are a lot of people out there that are wildly uneducated. And something even as simple as herpes. Like, it's such a common STI. I think it's 50% of the fucking world has it.

Because if you have a cold sore, guess what? You have herpes. Like, spoiler alert, that's what it is. And a lot of people will say, I don't want to say anything and it's going to be a scarlet letter. And I've always appreciated anybody that was honest with me because I was always that. I get tested after every partner I have that I don't use protection with. Every single one.

My doctor and I became friends because I was being safe. I knew I could control myself and I could protect myself in my ways, using protection and taking care of myself in that regard. So if you are somebody that has. as anything, even if it's something that's minute all the way to something, even if this is an illness, if this is something that will affect somebody else. So like, of me being anxious, I don't need to fucking tell somebody I'm anxious. Like, trust me, one, you can figure it out. And two, like, or, you know, if you have like a heart condition, you might not need to share

that with somebody on the first date. That's not going to impact the foreseeable future unless you're really high risk. Like my ex was because he like literally could have died at any point. That's a very different story. Sometimes I, wonder why that didn't happen. But anyways, here we are. So when you're sharing something, I remember I'll never forget this one guy that I dated. I was 19. And so like I always had so much respect for him. He had herpes. And he said, I want to share something with you, not because I'm scared that you're going to get anything, but because I don't want to ever build a relationship that's not based off authenticity and honesty. I got herpes 10 years ago. He's like, I've been on

the medication. I've never had an issue. I've never had an outbreak. But I just wanted you to know so that you can make your decision. I had never felt so respected. I was like, wow, thank you. Because the sad part was there was about seven or eight years where not one person admitted it. And I found out some of these people after had it from other people telling me or friends or whatever. And it's like, they didn't say, oh, I don't have an outbreak. I didn't think I needed to say anything.

And it's like if somebody, if you have an illness and ailment, something that's going to, in fact, like having herpes doesn't impact the other person. But it does because you're not giving them the choice to make themselves. Maybe I don't want to date somebody that does. Or maybe I'll say, oh, okay, no worries. then I'd rather just use protection until we know what we're going to do. Great, easy, done. Go talk to your fucking doctor, get some education before you make in judging people.

Remember, STIs are not things that people ask for. So I think there's a way to very clearly and openly communicate this. If somebody handles this inappropriately, if somebody acts like a child, I had a friend that had it and she had a guy that freaked the fuck out on her. And she started crying and I remember just saying, who the fuck is this piece of shit to make you feel guilty? The problem was she felt like shit about it. That's why he was easy for him to make her feel guilty

because she felt shamed by this. So if you have anything, first off, it's accepting yourself. Accepting that this is the cards I was dealt. But then you want to communicate that on especially first or second date, especially something like an STI, that that way, if somebody doesn't, isn't cool with it, why are you going to wait five or six dates to tell them? You think what? They're going to get to know you and fall for you and they're not going to care.

No, babes, you're just going to feel even shittier. Because then you're going to be like, God, you got to know me and you still, I still wasn't enough. It's like, yeah, because some people need to go talk to a doctor and educate themselves. Some people need to learn a little bit more. Some people do. Or, you know what? I respect people.

Some people don't want to get involved. They say, you know what? This isn't a road. I want to go down. No worries. But you're giving them the freedom and the choice to make that choice. So, my babes, I think we've gone over a lot of really great meat and potatoes here today. I think you are now equipped with more questions than I think I even know what to do with.

And equipped with a level of understanding that first dates, you got nothing to fucking lose. You have absolutely nothing to lose by being yourself, being upfront, and being honest on a first date. But you do have everything to gain. You've got all this knowledge and insight and you're leaving money on the table if you don't take these opportunities for what they are, which is an incredible opportunity to see if this is actually somebody that you want to get to know further. A first date is just to see if you even want to have a second date. This is not to assess that this is your ride or die or the love of your life. So instead of looking at this as, I don't want to say anything because I'm going to be too much.

And then it's like, really? I'm sorry, you're just your mother or father? I didn't fucking think so. This is some schmo that you met off the internet that you don't even know his middle name, but yet you're so concerned with his perception of you that you haven't stopped to think, what if I don't like him?

What if I'm not into him? So instead, let's get curious, ask questions, no one to stop, no one to be like, okay, this might be a little much, but shed those layers of that fear and that shame because it's self-inflicted. You might think you're being too much, but then to the other person, their response might be,

fuck, I've been waiting for this. So be authentically yourself. Ask the questions that you want to ask. Be fucking you unapologetically, to a certain extent. Like I said, you don't need to trauma dump. And put your cards on the table. But babes, I think this is another awesome episode.

I'm so, so excited. Thank you all so fucking much for yet another amazing week. As always, if you need anything, link in my bio, if you want to work with me one-on-one, ask me a question, dating app audits, anything you need. don't forget, there are so many resources in the link of my bio. I'm here to help you guys. I love you to the moon and back.

Thank you for another week. And please don't forget to rate the podcast five stars if you haven't already. Please, please, please. But I love you guys so much. Thank you again for everything. And I can't wait for another week of do the work next week where we'll have Ms. Masha, I think. Yeah, Masha's on the episode next week.

I don't even know what I ate for breakfast this morning, let alone do I know my schedule. But I love you guys so much. Thank you again. And I will talk to you soon.