The Sabrina Zohar Show - 35: Mindset, Overcoming adversity and turning pain into purpose with Doug Bopst!

Episode Date: September 15, 2023

This week on The Sabrina Zohar Show, Sabrina is joined by Doug Bopst to talk about mindset, overcoming adversity and turning pain into purpose. Doug is an award winning author, fitness trainer, and speaker who has an amazing story to share of how he turned a jail sentence and drug addiction into a life of health and healing. Want to work with Sabrina? HERE! Stuck After the Podcast? Master Implementation in 8 Weeks with Sabrina's Foundation Course Join the Make It Make Sense: Getting Through a Breakup course HERE! Get Ad-free episodes and 2 Bonus episodes a month HERE! Dont forget to follow Sabrina and The Sabrina Zohar Show on instagram and Sabrina on Tik tok! Video now available on YOUTUBE!  Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formally known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A.Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to another episode of Do the Work podcast. My name is Sabrina and I am your host. I love a new episode. And today, guys, it's a nice one. It's a good one. It is something that you guys are going to fucking learn from. I am joined by my friend Doug Boapsed.

He is amazing. And Doug is an award-winning personal trainer author of three books and the host of the Adversity Advantage podcast. He is very accomplished. And today, here's also the fun fact. Today we're going to talk about his time in jail. So he's also a convicted felon and a former drug addict. So we had a really, really, really great conversation about overcoming adversity, mindset,

and turning pain into purpose. And it was really awesome to hear somebody else's experiences and how they were able to pull themselves from the depth of a dark place where you probably fucking feel like there's no way out and be able to completely turn his life around and be really, really inspiring to so many people. So guys, I'm super excited. As always, thank you so much. Don't forget if you want to shop and get super cozy with my clothing line called software, wear software.com.

I'm going to link it in the show notes. You get 20% off using the code, do the work. And it's sustainably made in L.A. It's super, super cozy. It's a fabric you have never felt before. And I promise you, yes, it is tailored. Yes, it is fitted. But yes, it is the comfiest fucking thing you will ever wear.

So please, please support local. And thank you guys again. As always, thank you for everyone who reviews, everyone who listens, everyone who shares this, follows along on the socials, do the work, Instagram. So it's do the work podcast. Sabrina. Guys, as always, you're fucking amazing. So thank you so much.

And without further ado, let's get right on into it. Hi, Doug. Sabrina was shaken. Oh, Doug. Welcome back for part two. For anyone who doesn't know, thank God, Doug is so fucking awesome. Sabrina fucked up. I'm a human and I messed up.

So now we're going to have this conversation again. And I'm just so excited because I couldn't fathom not introducing the community to you. So I'm super excited. And Doug, I'm just honored to have you. So thank you so much for joining the podcast. Thank you for having me. And, you know, I really think highly of you and what you've created, what you've built. And as a fellow podcaster, I mean, I totally understand when we have to re-record something because I've definitely had it happen myself. And I know the feeling in the gut

and in your mind. It's like, oh. Doug, could you give us a little intro before we dive into all these amazing fucking topics that we're going to talk about, mindset, overcoming adversity, paid into purpose, all of those things? But can you share with the audience a little bit more about you and your background because I love your story, so I'd love them to hear it. Yeah, so fitness saved my life from the depths of drug addiction and despair back in 2008 when I was incarcerated on felony drug charges. And back then, my mental health was in shambles. I had crippling anxiety, was depressed, just had no aspirations of really living. My relationships were in the trash. I had 21 jobs at the time I was 21 because I was 21 when

I was incarcerated, heavily addicted to opiates, selling drugs. Again, like I'm just painting the picture of that. I know this is like a relationship podcast, and I was the guy that you wouldn't want your daughter to date. I was the guy you wouldn't want your son to hang out with back then because of a lot of the decisions that I was making. And so when I was in jail, it ironically saved my life. And how it saved my life was through fitness.

And how fitness saved my life was when I first, like, Shortly after I was incarcerated, I met my soon-to-be cellmate who was playing Scrabble. And he looked at me and he could just tell that I was unconfident, that I was lost and all these things. And he's like, you're going to start working out with me when you get through your drug deed, when you get through detoxing from OxyContin. And I was like, there's no way I'm going to be able to exercise. Like, have you seen me? Like, I don't look like the guy who would be able to formally exercise, let alone in front of a bunch of grown men in jail.

And not too long after that, I saw him exercise himself. because he looked like a more jacked version of Brad Pitt from Fight Club. And he was doing thousands of pushups, hundreds of pull-ups. Like, you get the idea, right? And then not too long after that, we were having a conversation in the jail cell that really changed my life. And the conversation went something like this. I was sitting there and just like any good coach would do,

a potential coach would do because he was trying to get me to exercise with him. He was asking me about my life. And he was asking me about why I was in jail and all these things. and I said to him, I started, I started blaming everybody else for my problems because that's what I did before I went to jail. I blamed every single person for all of my problems in life. Because as a kid, you know, I did go through a lot of adversity. My parents were divorced when I was five. I had no luck with girls in school. I was bullied a lot. I wasn't good at sports, even though I love sports, had horrible self-esteem issues. And I started to blame everybody else

for my problems. And he looked at me, and I'll just keep it PG. But he said, he said, He said, he said, quick being a victim. Yeah. And in that moment, I wanted him to coddle me and be like, it's okay, Dougie, like the world's against you. The world's a very dark place, blah, blah, blah. But he told me in reality what I needed to hear because up until that point, blaming everybody else for my problems, even though like what happened to me was valid and I still

think, like, man, that's really unfortunate that that happened. It didn't give me an excuse to just behave in the manner that I did for years to follow, right? Yeah. And he was like, there's plenty of people that go through what you went through that aren't in jail, right, Doug? And I'm like, yep, he's like, so you have two choices. Be a man. Look yourself in the mirror and say it's up to you to change.

It's up to you to get better. No one's coming to save you or go be a victim and cry in the corner and say, what was me? And so that really motivated me to get started with exercise. And, you know, with his motivation and encouragement training me in there every single day, I went from being able to not do a push up for my knees to being able to do. was set of 10 pushups and run a mile before my 90 day sentence was finished and it completely transformed my life. And I still have a workout, my workout program that he gave me when I left, framed in my place. So I never forget where I came from. And that's just been the foundation for what

I do today. I just got the chills when you said that because I love, God, I love that just turning pain into purpose and the fact that you have that memento on the wall for you to be like, anytime you need to check, you're like, I'm up, but but boop because I can so relate. Like fitness changed my life too. I was this, I was like overweight, smoking a pack a day. I probably was like 40 pounds heavier than I am now, which on my frame is like, that's a lot. And he was the same where it's like everything was victim mentality. Everything was happening to me, not for me. And how could the world just be so mean and poor me and da-da-da-da? But it's true. It's like when you call yourself out on your shit, it's a totally different experience when you can actually start

to be like, wait a minute, I have control over this. Like I have control over my mindset. I have control over like what decisions I make. It's such a powerful space. And I think kind of what you describe is like, I think for people that are so disconnected from themselves, you know, like when you went in, you didn't even probably know who the fuck you were. You're 21.

You're like hopped up on all these drugs. So you're not even in your own fucking mental state. But what I think is, is you made a decision every day and you stuck to it. So you decide, okay, I'm going to commit to something. And committing to that one decision every day to just move. Just get yourself active. It's incredible how that can reaffirm to that little,

you that you do have your back and that you can kind of show up for yourself. And I always think, and I'd love your thoughts on this as well of like things that you advise on to people, but anybody that's like, you know, if inner child work seems too scary or if you're just like, okay, wait, this seems overwhelming. I always suggest like make one small promise every single day for 10 minutes. If it's journaling, meditating, walking, I don't give a shit what you decide to do. Do something for yourself for 10 minutes so that you can show up for yourself and be able to say, yeah, I'm authentically, this is me. This is how I'm. I'm showing up, like, I'm proud of that.

You know what I mean? Yeah, I mean, you hear a lot about self-love, right? In the context of relationships and self-care. And I think that's very important. Want to go electric without sacrificing fun? That's the Volkswagen ID4. All-electric and thoughtfully designed to elevate your modern lifestyle. The Volkswagen ID4 is fun to drive with instant acceleration that makes city streets feel like open roads.

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to better yourself and improve your overall well-being and mental health. And that's how you build trust, right? Because in order to trust somebody else, you have to be able to trust yourself. And if you tell yourself consistently like, hey, I'm going to go to the gym today or, hey, I'm going to read this book or, hey, I'm going to do whatever. And then you don't, like, how is your, how are you going to convince yourself that you're able to, like, believe in yourself? Or how are you going to convince yourself that you're going to actually, that you actually

like trust yourself, right? if you're creating this cognitive dissonance where you're telling yourself you're going to do something and then you repeatedly don't do it right and so i think the concept of small wins like you said is super important like focusing on like all right what are some small things i can do today yeah better my overall well-being like it could be going for a five-minute walk it could be calling you know a loved one and just saying hey like i really need some support right now i'm really struggling right it could be you know signing up for a therapy session. It could be joining some sort of support.

Just something that's small, doesn't have to be astronomical because I do think sometimes in the world we live in, it's easy to compare ourselves to others and saying, okay, I know I need to work out for my overall well-being, but I haven't exercised in 15 years. Well, I'm seeing my friends

going to these boot camp classes four days a week or, you know, doing spin or going and lifting weights, like three to five times a week, whatever it is. Like maybe I should do that. But yet they haven't been doing that for so long. So that becomes very unrealistic for them. So that's why it's important to have to start with self-awareness and saying, okay, how am I feeling right now? And then what are some small things

I can do in this moment to better my overall well-being? And just building off of that because now what's going to happen? You take a five-minute walk. You're going to come home and you're going to be like, wow, I not only feel better because of the natural endorphin rush you'll probably get if you haven't done something like that in a while. You're also going to feel better because you're like, wow, I showed myself some level of self-love and self-care. I took care of myself today. I followed through with a commitment. I didn't just resort to binging TV like I normally do.

I didn't resort to shopping or spending or whatever you would normally do. Or swiping on the dating house, whatever somebody's vice is when they're not feeling well. And then that's going to stack. And now you're going to be like, all right, five-minute walk becomes maybe six-minute walk, maybe 10-minute walk. And now you see where I'm going with us. Now you're doing this consistently. And then you look back and it's been like two months and you're like, wow, I can't believe

that now I'm walking 30 minutes a day and I'm feeling better. I'm now maybe I'm changing the way I eat. I'm changing the people I hang out with. And it all started from those small wins, taking that five minute walk and focusing on what works for you in that moment. And that's what it was for me. Like the thought of me doing a single pushup from my knees was scary when I was in jail. Oh, yeah.

Because I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it. I remember the first time I got down to do a pushup. I tried to do it and I collapsed. And I just was like, man, I'm a loser. I'm a failure. Like all the things that I think would naturally go through somebody's mind when they try to do that.

But I didn't give up for myself. I was like, you know what? I'm just going to stick to this. I know what I've been doing in the past doesn't working. And then I was able to do it. And that felt like this massive win for me. Yeah. Right.

But it was so seems so small. seems so small looking back. And then that, you know, again, you stack from one push up to two. And then again, like I said at the beginning, I was able to do a set of 10 pushups and run a mile. And that in itself was the biggest confidence booster of my life. That right there is the foundation of all of my self-confidence and self-esteem today. It's during the moments where you have virtually nothing going for you. And you're in the midst of darkness. You're in the midst of adversity. and you're like, how the heck am I going to get out of this? And you somehow manage to not run out, crawl your way out.

And then you look back and you're like, wow, the odds were so stacked against me. And I found a way to survive and get out of this. I believe in myself, I can do this, right? And so I say that, and then I'll throw it back to you because I think a lot of times we're looking for this, like, massive thing to build self-confidence. We're looking for the marathon. on. We're looking for the wedding. We're looking for all these things. But really, the biggest levels of self, the biggest things that build your self-confidence is when you're going from like

zero to one, one to two, two to three, not going from zero to a hundred. Oh, I couldn't agree more. I mean, you said that beautifully. And you actually answered my question. So thank you, because I was going to talk about like your self-worth. But I couldn't agree more. It's like, I remember when I first started working out and I would go to a boxing class, I have asthma, exercise-induced asthma. And I, like, couldn't finish 10 minutes. I remember just looking at my sister, like, crying in the back, just being like, I hate this, I can't do this.

And it's true. It's like, I made a commitment to myself of like, okay, go on a longer walk. Go for 10. Expand your cardio, you know, try this, try this. And to now where it's like, I could do a class, you know, do I struggle? You know, but like I can do it and I can finish. And it was the same, like, anything I've started. And I think when it comes to especially the mental health world, people look at people like

me and you and say, oh, okay, well, I want to do this. And it's like they don't see all the underbelly. They are not seeing everything of the iceberg. It's like you're seeing the tip of it, which is us coming out and going, okay, here's what we did to get to where we are. And I never want anyone to feel alienated because it's like the reality is I think back on kind of your story of like how you see that like heavier kid that couldn't even do a push up. I look back on the like highly medicated smoker, just lost girl that I was in my 20s.

And the crazy thing is is my internal world was completely. completely mirrored with that external world. Like, my friends were shit. I had the world, like, just those people that, it's not like that they were, you know, bad people, but they just weren't good people to be around mentally. My entire life was just kind of shit. And when I really started to just focus on myself and be like, okay, I'm going to keep promises to myself.

Then by keeping promises to myself of going to the gym every day and making commitments and saying, okay, I'm going to do this or I'm going to, I remember I went paleo. My story was I, in 2016, this was before. my mom got sick. I was a pack a day smoker. I was on three kinds of meds and like wildly misdiagnosed. Like I did not have, I wasn't bipolar and I was given bipolar medication because they thought it was borderline personality. But whatever, that was my journey. And I was medicated and I was smoking and I was super unhealthy. It was super like overweight, couldn't walk down the block in New York. Was in a relationship I wasn't happy with. And I literally one day was like, I just remember

looking at my partner at the time and saying, this isn't working. And he was like, you're right. Like I just, I don't think that this is for us. And it was very amicable. And I remember just crying but being like, but this is what we need to do. Like two days later, we were friends and we were fine because it was obvious. I quit smoking. I quit all the meds. I went paleo.

I started working out. The detox of that was fucking astronomical. But all I kept thinking of was, but you made this promise to yourself. Sabrina, you made this promise to yourself. Stick it through. And then by doing that, that then led me on the other side to finding a new passion with fitness, with then mental health. Then it all started to culminate into the person that I'm becoming, which then led me to

holding boundaries and being able to say no, because when I committed to myself in those little moments, I was able then to say, well, I have proof that by committing to myself, I feel better, and I have contrary believing thought. You know, I could reframe thoughts and I have contrary things that I can start to now incorporate therapy, yada, yada, yada, that builds up to the versions of the people that you see now. But for anybody, I'll say, that's on their journey that feels scared or they don't even know which way is out. The way to get unstuck is by making a choice. make a decision about yourself, and that is a really beautiful way

that you can start to move through. And so I think, there's just, there's so many little promises that we can make, and I'm like, just do one. You know what I mean? I'm like, just make one in the day,

and I'm fucking happy with that. Yeah, I mean, because it sounds so cliche, right? You see, you know, the quote, it's like, don't compare your chapter one to somebody else's chapter 25, and I just think that is, it is very, very true. It's true.

Because I look back at my life, and where I was and people who might message me or reach out and be like, hey, like, how do you do it all? And it's like, well, I just started because I was the kid that was hyper anxious that was in the hospital for panic attacks when I was the kid. Really? Yeah. I mean, I was the kid, you know, snorting hundreds of milligrams of oxycodone every single day to numb pain, selling drugs, no self-discipline, refused to get help, didn't like going to therapy,

afraid to ask out a girl in public, like all these things. that I've completely transformed. But it just started with these small wins. And I always recommend fitness as this mechanism for transformation because of all the downstream benefits that it gives you. I mean, there's nothing like it, right, to where if you work out,

you know, we've talked about how it improves your discipline, your self-confidence, your well-being community, right? Because I think a lot of people were looking for better community. There's no better place than the gym, or in a fitness atmosphere. It teaches you the importance of thinking ahead and setting goals and believing in yourself,

showing up, getting comfortable, being uncomfortable, like all these things that are paramount for self-help and paramount for personal development, paramount for improving our overall quality of life. You get that with fitness. However,

like we both have also touched on, I think it's also important to really start with where, you're at and build off of that and not worrying about what your friends are doing, you know, what your family might be doing with their fitness stuff because everybody had to start, you know, at a similar spot when it comes to their journey. Totally. And I think, you know what I love to about the fitness aspect? All those things we were saying.

And I was like, and what I love to was because I think when it comes to healing, a lot of people were, you know, talk about mindset. It's like everyone's so focused on, let me intellectualize. I've read every book. I've listened to every podcast. I've done it all. And it's like, but what I love about fitness is it. also allows you to connect with your body, mind to muscle connection.

When I'm lifting now, I specifically make it a point to be like, where am I feeling this? How is this feeling in my body? Is it in my trap? Is it in my lat? That way I'm more connected. And I can say, okay, it hurts. Like when I'm with my trainer, I'll be like, ah, that hurt, where? And I can pinpoint exactly.

This hurt when I did this. She's like, okay, you did this. I'm so in touch within my body because fitness meditation, those types of modalities that helped. So I definitely like, that's why I love fitness. Amazon presents Jeff versus Taco Truck Salsa, whether it's Verde, Roja, or the orange one. For Jeff, trying any salsa is like playing Russian roulette with a flamethrower. Luckily, Jeff saved with Amazon and stocked up on antacids, ginger tea, and milk.

Habaniero? More like habanier, yes. Save the everyday with Amazon. question for you because I think somebody had asked this and I'd ask the Q&A and I'd love to hear your thoughts when you were you know especially in jail like in those beginning moments when you're just like what I'm sure kind of thinking like what the fuck am I doing with my life like all of that shit how did you like what did you do to keep going you know like on those days when they were just tough and you did not see a way out do you have anything that you can offer of like ways that helped you just to keep going forward I can speak to what worked for me personally a big thing that worked for me was, you know, I remember why I started.

I remembered the kid who I was before I went to jail and how miserable I was. And I remembered being picked on. I remembered feeling, you know, weak. I remember feeling just horrific about myself. And I never wanted to be that kid again. Yeah. Who looked at himself in the mirror and says, you're worthless. I can't believe that girls don't like, like all these things, right, that I was saying to

myself. And whenever I felt like quitting, I would remember that. or I would think about frankly, I was like, all right, Doug, if you don't choose better decisions for your life, you're going to end up back in jail. That was another thing that drove me was, I was like, all right, I'm going to get through this. Like, once I was convinced that exercise was going to be my thing to help me, I was like, all right, you're going to see this through. And I started to build some self-confidence. I was like, all right, I can do this thing. I'm never going to come back to jail again. Like, I had to like tap into to that side of me. Because otherwise, if I had just

kept making the same choices I was before I went to jail, like, you know, not doing anything. not staying committed, not being disciplined. I felt like there was a good chance I was going to go back to jail. And plus, frankly, I had this guy my cellmate who believed in me when I didn't believe in me. And I think that played a big part in it too. I don't know the science or why the brain

and why that happened specifically like made me keep going. But I felt like I owed it to him to at least see it through it because he had no skin in the game as far as my life. And he just saw something in me that I couldn't see it in myself and just knock some sense into me, motivated me, inspired me.

And so I would say those three things. It was like my fear of going back to jail and not being in a worse position. Yeah. Remembering why I started and not wanting to be that kid that I was before I went to jail. And then the lastly was really having my cellmate kind of be the one that that got me going and feeling like I owed it to him. I mean, the other thing I will say is once I was able to reconnect to my body, you know, because I was like a zombie, my first few weeks in there because of detoxing from all the

drugs, I started to learn how to turn some of these deep emotional pain into purpose when I worked out because when I first started exercising some of the people in there in jail would be like, hey, like, just think about what makes you angry. Yeah. And I was just like, I can't. I can't even like, I don't even know where I am right. And I couldn't even connect with myself. Right. Yeah. But once I was able to like do that and when I would work out, I would think about like specific girls who rejected me or I would think about like being bullied and some of the, words that people would say to me and being cut from these sports teams, I felt this sense of like adrenaline and power come that I can just push through because of thinking about that stuff

and tapping into that, that dark side of pain. That's what I love. So, okay, funny of spoiler admission time, my song, like my workout song that I listen to when I'm like, ah, is hate me now. Because I'm just like, it's just my, it's like, that's my, since I was no joke, since I was in middle school, that was we put it on and we would do crunches in our bed. room. Like that was my anthem of like, you can hate me, you can want all these things. And it's like, I'm not going to stop. I'm going to keep going because it's like, yeah, I'm not doing this for anybody else. But I love that you turned fear into a positive because like I think fear could be so crippling, the fear of the, you know, fear of rejection, fear of fucking up, fear of all those

things. But yet fear could be such a motivating factor because fear can also be like you thought of future you of like, I don't want to go. The me that was no longer wants to come back. And if I don't continue this, that future me is going to fall back into those behaviors. And at the end of the day, I think what you're saying is something that's so important. It's like you got to call yourself out. Like you've got to be enough of a person to say like at the end of the day, it's like anyone I work with anybody one on one. I'm like, listen, I could sit here all fucking day and tell you what to do and what not to do. But at the end of the day, when your hands on that phone and you're going to call or text or do something, I'm not, no one's here. No one's in your brain with you saying,

put your fucking phone down, you deserve better. And if that little inner voice is going to take over and you're not at the very least able to be aware and start to process and watch thoughts go by and not associate and attach to them, I think it becomes a much more uphill battle. Question, do you still talk to your cellmate now? Like, or your prior? So my cellmate passed away last year, unfortunately. No, I'm so sorry. What's been the silver lining and all of that is, you know, when I did get out of jail, we did exchange some letters. We actually met up when he got out and worked out together a few times and stayed in touch over the years. And, you know, he knew how much he meant to me and how much, you know, he really helped me.

I think that, you know, there was at one point he had told me he's like, now you inspire me, which, you know, was really, really meant a lot to me. And what even meant, what meant even more was I remember, you know, I got a message from his mom that he passed away. And then somebody had reached out, another person had reached out from his family. He's like, hey, like, you don't know me, but, you know, I'm, So once I think he was a cousin or some cousin or second cousin. I think she was a cousin or second cousin. And she's like, you know, I was looking for people that were connected to Eric and somehow

came across you. And then I saw like some of your interviews in the podcast and I heard the way you talked about him in interviews. And I just wanted to really thank you because I get a tear up when I think about this. Because it's just like crazy how things come, how things work out. Yeah. And she's like, you know, thank you for sharing like the side of him that we all remembered, you know.

And I never thought like, When I go on shows like this, it's like I want to inspire people about mental health, addiction, recovery. I never thought that it was going to be like that where, you know, something as unfortunate as Eric passing away happens. And now I'm getting messages from people and his family saying that, you know, thank you for sharing about that part because of now we have this to kind of remember him by. And then I went up, I went up and I spoke at his funeral and it was just cool to be there

in front of all his family and his friends and relatives and stuff. and be able to share like the jail story. And, you know, it was just, it was crazy. And I'm like, man, this is just wild how things, how things kind of connect sometimes. I was getting emotional as you were speaking because it's such a beautiful memorial to somebody that has been so instrumental in your life. And I think what a better way to pay homage to him than to keeping him alive and keeping his inspiration alive and keeping how he impacted you alive.

And I think he's such a clear indication of like, everyone truly is fighting their own battles. People are not, obviously, unless you're a fucking sociopath or serial killer, you know, one of those like extremes that you're literally born with like some screws loose. But for the average human being, and I think especially like, you know, with the podcast, yes, a lot of it is around relationships, but I think just anxiety in general. And I think there is such a misconception that like, especially, you know, as a straight woman dating men and, you know, you have a straight man dating women. So our, our frame of reference is just in that regard.

Obviously, I don't know how it is to date a woman. You don't know what it is day to man unless you do. I think there's such this like villainized component of like, oh, this guy, you know, he led me on and he strung me along and this person did all this. And it's like, I think when we could strip it away. And if we can just have compassion for other people, then one, also, we could have compassion for ourselves. But if I think that's where I've, that's something I've cultivated over the years that I didn't have was I always used to go right to you're trying to hurt me. okay, you did this because you're an asshole, you're a fucking dick, you're all these things. You know, you're all the buzzwords that girls say, what a narcissist and what a this and what of this?

But what it actually came down to was like, this is just a hurt person who could still, like Eric, who made decisions that may not have been great for his life, but that doesn't take away from the fact that there's just somebody under the hood that is just hurting and going through their own journey and story and how one instance with somebody, and that's my goal is like, I know you because I want to know more about the podcast that you have as well. but like my goal with this podcast and with everything I do is if it could be one Eric to you, one person that says, I heard one thing and that sparked me to change or that sparked me to do this, then to me, I could die happy. My job is done because at the very least, I know I'm not curing cancer, but at the very least, maybe I gave an awareness to somebody to go, huh, wait, now I don't feel so alone,

you know, because it feels like almost like Eric saw you and you saw him for who you really were. and you guys were finally not able, finally able to not feel so alone. Yeah, there's a saying in like the addiction recovery world. It's like don't hate the addict, hate the disease, right? And I do think that, you know, our external world in many ways is dependent upon how we feel about ourselves on the inside. And so I've learned, you know, just a lot about human behavior,

just through my own experiences and talking to other people, that when I see somebody, you know, having a hard time, I just know that they're painfully struggling with themselves. and they don't like what they're doing, but they just don't know a way out. They don't know any other way or they're dealing with trauma or pain and all these other things, right?

And so I've been able to, I guess, have this more nuanced approach where it's like I have so much compassion for people that are going through hard times. But in the context of relationships, I think it's important to say, okay, like you can have compassion for somebody. It doesn't mean that you need to like be in a relationship with them.

And I think that can be, that's a slippery slope because as humans, We are compassionate. We are empathetic. We want to see the best in people, right? And so it can be challenging when you're, you know, with somebody that's going through it to, like, separate those two things. Because you feel like, all right, does this mean that I'm not being empathetic? Does this mean I'm not a compassionate person?

This means I'm a piece of crap. Like, whatever it is. Yeah. It can be a challenge for people. Oh, 100%. I'm glad you brought that up because it's like, I think everything that we've spoken about, there's, you could look at it as an explanation or an excuse. It's like, is it an explanation just to say, this is what Doug went through, this is what Sabrina went through, that brought them to where they are.

These are just experiences that have happened? Or are you using as an excuse to say, oh, well, you know, he had this when he was a kid. That's why he does all this. And it's like, no, no, no, no, no. I was like, I can't believe, remember who I was talking to. But a huge sign of growth is being able to have two conflicting thoughts at once, being able to say, I have a lot of compassion for this person. They're a hurt, wounded, whatever they've been through a lot. But I also know this isn't healthy for me, nor is this good for me in this person needs health. So it's like I can have compassion and look and see, wow, okay, this person's going through their own things. It doesn't come out of malice. It's not that this person's trying to hurt you. They have their own struggles, but that doesn't mean that this is good for me to be around or that I should be in their presence because like I was saying earlier, my internal world was

mirroring my external world. Like when I'm feeling really all over the place and disregulated and discombobulated, then shit happens where like, yeah, you fuck up a podcast or, you know, something happens in your day where you're like, okay, that's all right, I'm human, but my internal world is really a mirror of my external world. I think for me being able to date differently and move differently and be a bit different business owner, I really had to work in the neuroplasticity aspect of, you know, I want to reframe my thoughts. Not everybody is trying to hurt me, especially to all my girls in the dating world right now. Not every guy is a fucking asshole. And for all the guys, not every girl is shitty and not, it's like when we make these sweeping generalizations,

all you're doing is reaffirming in your brain, okay, this is all I see, so keep finding more. This is all I see. So keep going to find more. Keep looking for more. Keep reaffirming this core belief. Because at the end of the day, too, that your lifestyle that you lived and all of these past lives we had, they served a purpose. Like for you, you know, being hopped up on drugs and doing all that, it was like, of course it served a purpose. You didn't have to face your shit.

It kept you where you were so that you didn't have to go deeper. and it was escapism. I try to look at those with compassion on myself to say, I did the best I could with the information I knew. I'm not ashamed of the girl that used to send way too many texts or would have panic attacks because a guy didn't text or would use her body to try to get a guy. I don't look at her with shame.

In the contrary, I look at her with a lot of love and say, you know, that was protecting yourself. You thought that's what you needed to do. And I think that is such a huge step as well when it comes to like really trying to shift your mindset and really trying to use your pain and turn it into a purpose is you can't shame, blame, or yell at yourself into healing, but you can show yourself some compassion and love to where you did the best you could with the

information you knew and now you're learning more, you know? I think the best way to make better decisions is to improve the way that you feel about yourself. And I think that's why, like a lot of, you know, people in the relationship space when something doesn't work out with, you know, in a dating situation or somebody, you know, finds out that they settled or they were cheated on or whatever. Oh, they did dogging. Does he want to be on the podcast, too? We can arrange for that.

Yeah, I mean, I think even in dating, it's like, yeah, well, I'll fin, hold on. Yeah, there's so many, like, different components and things that happen. But yeah, no, sorry, keep going. Yeah, so I guess when anybody, like, finds out that something didn't work out in a dating world because of, like, they were settling

or because the person treated them a certain way or they were cheated on or whatever. I think that's why a lot of relationship experts will say, like, go back to how you were feeling about yourself, find a way to feel secure, work on yourself because, like, when you're not feeling good about yourself, you tend to settle for things. You start to see like other people and you're like, oh, like, that's not that bad or, you know, I want this relationship. So I'll, like, bypass whatever, you know, red flags they may see. but if you were feeling better about yourself

and you had a higher level of self-worth and you knew that you deserved better, you would have been like, there's no way I'm settling for that. Oh, I think back on the girl that was, and I'm like, oh, yes, because you had no boundaries and non-negotiables. That's why you allowed this bullshit and behavior,

and I was totally okay. It's all the fucking trolls on TikTok, you know, they're vicious. And I'll do my videos of like, you're my seven boundaries and non-negotiables that changed my life. And the amount of people that'll write and be like,

she's going to be single forever. What a headache. I wouldn't listen to her speak, blah, blah, and it's like, wow, talk about projecting your own misery onto everybody else and your own limiting beliefs. And I'm like, actually, on the contrary, me holding on to my boundaries and non-negotiables is what led me to an incredible relationship because I wasn't looking at myself saying, you see, you're too much, Sabrina, you're asking too much. On the contrary, I said, I know what I'm asking for is a lot, but I'm also giving a lot. I'm showing up in a lot. And I'm providing a lot. yeah, I want that reciprocated back to me. And when I'm the first person, anybody that comes to me and says,

I had my one friend and she was telling me how like this guy wasted all of her time and wasted her time and wasted her time. And all I kept saying was every time you talk about him, you're taking it away from yourself because what was your part in this? Where were you? What were you thinking? What were you seeing? What were you feeling?

Because if you really believed in your gut and your fucking core, I am worthy of love, I'm deserving, all of those things. Like if you genuinely accept yourself and say, yeah, okay, I might be a lot. you're right. I might not be for everybody, but I know that the people that are like me are going to like me. Then what happens is you move with confidence. Like you said, you don't take the things just because your scarcity mindset being like, oh, fuck. Oh, what if I don't ever find another guy? Okay, well, let me just take this because he's texting me every day. You say, you know, it's okay. I know what's for me won't pass me. And if this one doesn't work out, that's okay, something else. I was good before them. I'll be good after. One of the biggest moments of personal growth for me came when I stopped trying to change some of the things in my past. Like in my, a lot in my 20s, when I got to a place where I was super fit, you know, I was successful and I felt much better about myself. I started to be like, all right, well, maybe I can go back and just, just, you know, date some of the girls that try to date some of the girls that maybe rejected me or just go after pretty women because I couldn't have.

I couldn't get their attention when I was younger, so maybe I'll try to get them now. And I think being attracted to somebody is important, but I was doing it to still feel a void, to still feel a void, and to like essentially try to prove a point to myself. And I would end up settling and continuing on dating somebody or talking to somebody only because they looked a certain way,

not even because of a connection that I didn't have, even though I didn't have a connection with that person. And so what ended up happening was I realized that was doing this through therapy and just through talking to different people and mentors and stuff. And now, yes, physical attraction is important to me. I'm just going to be honest. Yeah, of course.

However, if I can't have a deep conversation with somebody or if I see some red flags or see something that might not be a fit for me, I no longer ignore them for the sake of like saying that I'm dating somebody who's very attractive. I now say, okay, like this person's attractive. They're just not the person for me. I'm going to find somebody that I'm not only attracted to physically, but, you know, emotionally and emotionally, emotionally attracted to as well.

100%. My client yesterday, she was like, I'm vain as fuck. And she kept saying that. And I asked her, finally said, what do you like about this person that you're dating? And she stopped and she was like, holy shit. And she like really thought about it. And she was like, there's one aspect of it. Everything else. And she's like, this person's just really attractive. And I was like, this and listen, while I understand that, as somebody, I think I learned the hard way, when I was in New York, yeah, I was dating some of the most attractive human beings that you will ever meet. Like, you're living in fucking New York City.

That's where they live. LA, same thing. And I remember, like, you know, in my early 20s being like, cuckoo-c-choo, holy shit, this gorgeous guy likes me. End all be all. Now, okay, yeah,

there's like one in mind. He still looks hot. But for the most part, most of these people that when I was in my early 20s, now I look and I'm like, whoa, time has not been good to you. And it's like, and the point there is,

if you're falling for somebody because they're hot or they physical or they fill a need that when you go out in public, you'll feel good because you're with this person. This is where you'll feel more alone in a relationship than you will by actually being alone because that is the first, eventually to everybody out there that has a really hotty patadi that they can't get over. Soon enough, when you're in a relationship with this person, not a situation,

and not having them refuel your fucking core beliefs, that becomes baseline. Eventually, what they look like, you get used to that. It's no longer the appeal. So if you don't have more depth, meat and potatoes, to the reason that you're going for somebody, a mental connection, some actual things. things in common, great conversation, sense of humor, blah, blah, blah, guess what's going to go first? And guess where then all of a sudden it's, that's why people then cheat or do this,

or then they want to this, da, and they're never satisfied. It's like because it has nothing to do with, if you're going to go into a relationship, and I think why people, they'll ask me all the time, like, how to have the exclusivity conversation. And I'll ask, well, how you've been dating them? And they're like, we went on two dates. And I'm like, this is the point. You're rushing into it because you're trying to chase that feeling of, oh, see,

I'm not going to be abandoned. Look, look, I was chosen. Okay, this person's staying. But the more that we do that. the more you're taking away from people that are actually a compatible connection for you, you wake up, you're fucking 45 and you're like, holy shit, I've been single this whole time. What have I been doing? I want to share something that I think your audience is going to get a lot of value out of when I've said this.

I've said this before. And this also comes from, you know, experience. You will one of our biggest fears, I think, when we're single and when we're alone is being alone and feeling like that, you know, that essentially. like, you know, being alone, it pretty much like depicts how we are viewed by the world, right, how we're viewed by other people. And that maybe if we're alone, does that mean that I'm a failure? Does that mean I'm a loser? Does that mean I'm not attractive or whatever thoughts might go through somebody's mind? They've surely gone through my mind. But what I will say,

during times when you're single, sometimes the best thing is to intentionally spend time alone to work on yourself, to go through the self-discovery process, to talk to a therapist, to talk to a friend, to talk to a mentor to be able to learn and about yourself and grow and involve into that person that you can become your highest self. And here's what I'll say. You will feel way more alone being in a relationship or spending time with the wrong people than you ever will, ever will when you're intentionally spending time by yourself to work on yourself.

I promise you that. Yeah. Oh, yeah. You know? Even when dating, I'm always like, oh, whoa, whoa, why you need to spend every day with this person. It's like, enjoy. I used to make it a point to be like, I'm spending tonight alone. I'm going to take myself on my date. I like to do my stuff. Because like, guess what? Now, now I have a stinky boy that lives in my house. I love him. But, you know, I have like a massive human being. And like, if I want to

watch my trash TV, guess who has to say, hey, do you want to watch this? When I want to just say, I'm going to order this for dinner, there's this thought of like, I'm tired of being alone and I don't want to be single anymore. And I'm like, but if we could reframe it to instead of being so miserable being where you are, it's like, Can you find some happiness and a little bit of a silver lining of, yeah, I'm alone right now. I get to do what I want. I get to reconnect with myself. I get to show up for me and enjoy it as opposed to being miserable. Because I think what I learned, if I learned anything from my dog passing away, we don't have that much time.

I thought I had forever with him. And that 10 years came and went before I could even blink my eyes and then realizing that I have to live without this creature. There's nothing I could do. I'm going to fight a current. And now, I mean, to live without him, it's like, the scariest thought that you have of being abandoned or being alone or this, that, and the other, it's like, it's just a thought. That's exactly what it is. It's a thought. It's an emotion, but it doesn't make it fact. And I think for anyone struggling right now, which is such a great

place for us to kind of put a pin in it, of like, if you're alone, enjoy the alone time and start to get excited about the relationship that you want, as opposed to, listen, you can control your mind, right? You get to control whether you think positive or negative. It's not just one way. So try to reframe some shit and at the very least, enjoy the rides so that you don't wake up in 20 years going, I've fucked the best years of my life because I was fucking miserable. Absolutely. So true. I mean, the most important relationship we'll ever have is the relationship with ourselves. I know a lot of people say that.

It's very true. It's true. You know, if you're not feeling good about yourself, like your other relationships will suffer. Your decisions will be poorer. or the way you carry yourself will be, you know, poor. You're not going to live the life that you truly want, you know, because you're not as connected with yourself and you don't have that a healthy relationship with yourself.

100%. Doug, what a great conversation. Thank you so much. Can you share a little bit more for our audience about the podcast that you have and anything that's upcoming for you or people can find you and work with you? Yeah, so I host the Adversity Advantage podcast, which you were a guest on. Your episode will come out next week. on Thursday.

And essentially the adversity advantage, we interview people from all walks of life on exactly how they've turned trials into triumphs. And I also bring on some of the top experts in the world on things like wellness, neuroscience, things like neuroscience, wellness, relationships, mental health, addiction. So I've been doing the podcast now for over three years. I love doing it. Something exciting with that is I'm releasing this series on cannabis that comes out at the end of the month where I'm interviewing different experts.

on the subject of cannabis and how it impacts, you know, mental health, how it impacts kids, how it impacts the brain, how it can cause like psychosis and certain people. So I'm really excited to release that. And I just think for anybody who wants to learn more about cannabis, when I say cannabis, we're talking about like marijuana, THC, and how it impacts the brain, how it could be addictive, how it impacts kids and stuff, especially if you're a parent, you know, because a lot of kids now are struggling with cannabis addiction. I think that you'll definitely want to check that out. Sweet. And yeah, I will be linking everything in the show notes.

I'll put the podcast where people can find you and your socials. But, Doug, thank you again so much for being on the podcast and for sharing your vulnerabilities. Sabrina, thanks for having me. This was an epic conversation.