The Sabrina Zohar Show - 37: Falling for potential and chasing the feeling in dating.

Episode Date: September 29, 2023

On this weeks episode, Sabrina talks about chasing the feeling in dating, dating potential and boundaries to set to avoid a love bomber! Want to work with Sabrina? HERE! Stuck After the Podcast? Master Implementation in 8 Weeks with Sabrina's Foundation Course Join the Make It Make Sense: Getting Through a Breakup course HERE! Get Ad-free episodes and 2 Bonus episodes a month HERE! Dont forget to follow Sabrina and The Sabrina Zohar Show on instagram and Sabrina on Tik tok! Video now available on YOUTUBE!  Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formally known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A.Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Hello, hello, hello. And welcome to another episode of Do the Work podcast. My name is Sabrina and I am your host. You know what guys, it never gets old when I do this. I fucking love this podcast so watch. I love you guys all so much. I get super emotional sometimes. But I'm excited. We're here for another solo episode and this week. This was on highly requested from all of my babes. We're talking about falling for potential and chasing the feeling. And I also touch a little bit on how boundaries that you can set to avoid love bombers and to avoid chasing the feeling and falling for the potential and all that fun stuff. So I've got a great episode for you guys. Went live. Insta loved it. I'm fucking stoked. So as always, guys, I'm so grateful for you. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

The link in the show notes, if you ever need anything, you want to work with me. Anyway, please don't forget, fill out the survey for the dating app. For those of you don't know, I'm creating a dating app, and we need your help to make sure the algorithm's right. So if you go to the link in my show notes, my stand store where everything is, if you book a one-on-one with me or ask me a question, you know where that link is. Click on that, fill out the survey. That's all I ask for you. And please, as always, do not forget to give five stars. If you think the podcast is worth it, share it with your friends. It's all I ask. It helps me more than you guys will ever fucking know. And again, please, please, please show our sponsor some love. Better Help is our amazing sponsor

this week. And they're my amazing therapy. They're one of my faves. So without further ado, let's get right on into it. Hi, friends. We made it back to another solo episode. I love the solo episodes. As much as anxiety as I get, it's like, oh boy, what am I going to talk about for an hour? It's like, Zohar, you could talk. And I forget that. But I'm super excited. And yeah, just some updates for all of our friends like TechEye and I are moving in together soon, which is super exciting. I can't wait. So we're moving in together in the next, let's see, month. And yeah, the business is growing like crazy. I'm super busy with software. Some of you guys know I have a clothing company. It's a lot of great amazing things. And I'm just so grateful. And as always, I want to say thank

you times a fucking million to everybody that's supportive, that watches, that listens, that shares with their friends, that left a review. It literally means the world. So thank you guys. And I'm so excited. I can't wait for the dating app to comment. out. So I hope you guys were able to fill out the survey. All the fun shit. So yeah, thank you guys. But today, today was actually a highly requested episode. So today we're actually talking about falling for potential and chasing the feeling, which I think we may have touched upon this in other episodes, but I don't know that we've actually like dive deep. And so I had questions that you guys asked on Instagram. I asked questions before every episode to make sure that I'm talking

about the things that you guys want to hear and talking about the stuff that you're interested in. And so we're going to kind of dive on in. And I think I talk about this all the time of like, you can't date potential. And it's like, there's, okay, there's two ways to look at dating potential. There's one that's like, hey, this guy's in medical school. Okay, well, he has a lot of potential to expand, grow, become a really great doctor. Like, that's the potential that's okay. Wow, this person's in school finishing their masters.

That's great. I'm here for that potential. Versus, I wish this person were more emotionally involved. or I wish this person asked me, like, cared about me or wanted a relationship or was ready for a relationship in the way I am. It's like, now that is potential that we do not follow for, nor is that going to be beneficial to your life. Because what's happening is potential hasn't happened yet. Who this person is in front of you is what we go on. And so if we're always betting on potential, then that means that you're hoping on this hypothetical and this projection of who you

want this person to be without actually accepting. them for who they are. So somebody had asked, the first question was, why do I get so attached to potential? And so there are like quite a few reasons for this. And the first one is like the attachment styles, you know, like our early experiences with our caregivers shape our attachment style. So whether you're secure, anxious, avoidant, or disorganized. So if you're not secure, you're one of the insecure attachment styles. And so a lot of the times that happens, like, especially with those with anxious attachment style, they see potential as a way to secure. cure love and avoid abandonment, while an avoidant might be drawn to potentials that keeps them safe

from a distance from true intimacy. Isn't that interesting? So it's like both the same fears, both those same root core issues of like fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, but they manifest so differently because somebody who's avoidant, they know it's safer. They know it really keeps them away from true intimacy because that's not who this person actually is. And for the anxious person, they see it as like, ooh, I can change them and I can get them to love me

and I can secure it and they're not going to abandon me. but we all know what really ends up happening. You end up becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy. You end up doing the same thing expecting a different result. And as Britt actually brought up in the podcast, and she kind of changed my way about this, was like, you know, we have to remember our brain and our nervous system is designed to keep us safe. It's not designed to help us grow. So if we have this information, okay, our nervous system and our brain is trying to keep us safe,

not help us grow. So going after potential, if that's behavior that you learned early in childhood, it wouldn't shock me that you would continue to date potential, because that's all you know. So another aspect of it is cognitive dissonance. And so cognitive dissonance is the discomfort we feel when holding two conflicting beliefs. So if someone, if you have invested time, emotion, effort, they may inflate the potential to justify their investment and reduce the discomfort of doubt, also known as sunk-cost bias. I've spent all this time with this person. They have to be what I want. That has to work out. I can't start all over again.

sound familiar. That also goes back to like the fear of loneliness of being alone and the social stigma associated with being single means that you'll attach to the outcome hoping that this person's going to change. And oftentimes what ends up happening to is like if they change, oh, I get the validation. You know, I was talking to my client and like he had a really, you know, tough relationship growing up with his family. And all he would ever do is date women that reminded him of his mom after we started to chip away

and really peel back the layers. And it's like because he was hoping if he could change these women, maybe he could have changed his mom. And it's like, we all know that's not going to happen. So there's also this layer of, oh, our brain is literally fucking playing tricks on us. Then there's something called a fantasy bond. So the psychologist Robert Firestone actually coined this term. And so a fantasy bond is an illusion of connection with another person that provides a false sense of security. So latching onto potential provides a sense of security, a false sense, though. And so it might be a way to create this bond, even if the genuine intimacy and connection are lacking. I mean, talk about a fucking mic

drop, a fantasy bond, but it makes sense. And this is kind of where I go back into like, we don't need to create something that doesn't exist. So here's an example. I know that we all, anybody that's listening knows I love 90 day fiance. Okay. It's not a surprise. And so if you watch 90 day fiancee, what do I always see? We see this false sense of intimacy. We see the texting nonstop and they're face-timing every day. And it's like, oh my God, I'm going to marry this person and they're amazing. And then it's like clockwork. They all go away. And it's like the person ends up falling to shit. They're completely never the person that they thought they were going to be. And these people are fighting so hard to hold on to something, the potential that this relationship

could have been without understanding. But that's not who this person actually is. You're holding on to the idea that you created of this person and the fantasy of who they were before you actually met them. But then once you start to meet, you start to see it. The couple's like complete breakdowns in communication. Then it all of a sudden they're like, what happened to the person I fell for? And it's like that person didn't exist. You created that person. And oftentimes people are like, well, I've been dating this person for five years. I'm not going to walk away.

And it's like, but do you want to waste another five? Do you want to keep chasing the feeling that you get because you're in love without actually being in love? And that's why so many people, like, especially after a major divorce or a big breakup, will rush into something else. And it's like because that person's chasing the feeling of being with somebody else, not actually the person, which we're going to talk about more. And so here is my aspect. of, then there's also the neurochemistry. So in the early stages of dating, there is, our brain releases a cocktail of a bunch of chemicals in dopamine, oxytocin, and neuropronephrine. These chemicals actually cloud our judgment and make us more prone to seeing potential because they

foster feelings of pleasure, bonding, and excitement. Also why the texting bullshit starts to happen. And all of a sudden, it's this false sense of intimacy. No, but this person cares about me and look how amazing they're being. And it's like, no, no, you're just. just getting on that high. You like that quick high, that constant, that always, they're choosing me. They're not going to leave me. I'm not being abandoned. Look, they're still showing up for me. It's like, yeah, but Homeboy's not fucking even showing up for you. This person's not actually. They're just bored. So let's not. Another component of why you fall for potential, low self-esteem. So some people feel that they don't actually really deserve this or that they're not, they don't even

know what like a healthier relationship is. So they'll settle for potential as a way to compromise between their desires and their perceived worth. I'm sorry, I'm going to call you babes on your fucking bullshit. If you are dating people and they are consistently not what you want, this is nothing about them and everything about you. Because if you genuinely believe that you are deserving of this love that you want so bad, if you really in your fucking gut, say, I am a dime that's top of the line, cute face, little waist, and a big behind. There's more to life than finding the perfect car. But finding the perfect car can help you get the most out of life. Like the SUV that handles everything from drop off to off road, and the car that hulls groceries and hockey teams, or the

van that's gone from just practical to practically family. Whatever you want, wherever you're going, start your search at autotrater.com. Canada's car marketplace. If you know this song, I'm so here for this. But like, if you genuinely, on your heart, believe I am deserving of this and I will not accept any less, then guess what? You won't accept any less. And I know what? Because guess who the fuck did that firsthand? For years, I kept thinking, I'm just never going to find anybody that's amazing. And I'm never going to find this person. And I would tell my mom and my mom would go, you see that, I don't. And it wasn't until I finally had to start doing the inner work and really connecting. When I talk about self-love, I'm not talking about the woo-woo bullshit of like, how good

vibes only and like we have to manifest and journal all day and just keep talking into the mirror of how much we love each other like no we're not in fucking L.A. You know, like that's why I left that place. When I'm talking about self-love, I'm talking about actually fucking accepting yourself for who you are and not trying to change who you are. Like babes, we all know like I'm a very specific personality type. This is not surprising anybody. Like I always knew when I was dating that I was different, that I was unique that I was something else. But for so long, I had the core belief, I'm too much. I'm too much. There's something wrong with me. I must be fucked up. And when my sister finally one day asked, where'd you learn this from? And I was like, dad, growing up, my dad would always walk out,

hit you, just like be dismissive. If you had an emotion, he doesn't know how to handle emotions. That's why he doesn't like children. He likes adults. And so I grew up thinking, I'm too much. There's something wrong with me. My caregiver can't even be around me. And that bred even more anxiety because then I wanted them even more and I was hyper-focused and all of those things. And it wasn't until I realized like, I'm not too much. I'm just the fuck enough. It's the same with all these fucking small little trolls on TikTok and Instagram. Like, you can come and hate all fucking day, but your opinion of me doesn't mean shit to me because I know who I am. I know, baby, my bank account fucking speaks for who the fuck I am.

So for all those people that want to come and tell me I'm this and I'm that, I'm not, I'm like, that's great. That's you're entitled to your opinion. That doesn't mean that it's validity. doesn't mean that that is something I'm going to hold myself to. That just means that your perception of the situation and your miserable ass can take it the fuck out of here. So when it comes to dating and we're falling for all these people and we're hyper-focusing, you have to remember the perception that you're walking in with. And if you think just because somebody was nice on some texting and da-da-da, that that's who they are in person, you're fucking setting yourself up for failure. And if you're going to be somebody who falls for everything, then you stand for nothing. And if every person that you date

can affect your self-esteem, then my question is, how much do you actually fucking love yourself? My mom has been saying this for years. You need to love yourself more than the need to be loved by other people. Because only then will you actually be able to walk away from people and say, no, thank you. I don't want breadcrumbs. I don't want bullshit. That's why the dude I dated before tech guy, I was able to walk away. The minute he started giving me bullshit, I was like, no thanks. I wasn't scared that it wasn't going to find anybody else. I'd rather be alone than bad company. Grandma Lucy's been saying that since I was a kid. I'd rather walk away and be like, at the end of the day I've got me and I lay my beautiful fucking head on this pillow and I can only rely on myself than change, form, and manipulate

who I am to get somebody else to like me. Bitch, we don't even like everybody in the world, but yet you want everyone to like you? No, no, no, no. So, another question that came up was when you're chasing the feeling and then they ghost, like why does chasing the feeling and ghosting go hand in hand? And I think one of the first things that we need to look at is it's a fear of commitment. oftentimes people that come on really strong, coming on strong can be in genuine interest of a sign of interest. So like if somebody's super excited about you and they're just like,

I don't know, I just really like you. That's okay. But it can also be a sign of someone that's enamored with the idea of love and with the responsibilities and challenges of a relationship. Let me repeat that. They're enamored with the idea of love more than they are with the responsibilities and challenges of a relationship. So once that initial euphoria fades, And once that's it, they get overwhelmed by the idea of commitment and choose to ghost instead of confronting those feelings because think about it. I've been saying this from fucking day one. Ghosting is easier for people to do that want to avoid doing the work. They can avoid confrontation.

They can avoid communication. They don't have to deal with hurting somebody else. They don't have to deal with their own shit. They can just go, nah, that's people chasing a feeling. They're not actually dating you. They're dating the high that they get from you. They're dating. And this is anxious and avoidant.

This is not just one. I know a lot of my anxious babies are out there going, I just want to feel in love and I just want it. So they chase that feeling, but they don't actually understand being in a relationship requires an intense amount of communication. Being in a relationship is one giant conversation, as tech I said. And so that comes with the highs and lows. It's not just always fucking daisies and roses.

And I think that's where people kind of get this hiccup of like, I want all this, but then they don't want to fucking do the work to get all of that. So another, avoidance of confrontation. It's easier to disappear than have a difficult conversation. that's it. That's ghosting in a nutshell. That's why when people are like, what's wrong with me that they ghosted? I'm like, how do those go hand in hand? How does ghosting have anything to do with you? Someone can not want to date you, but their preferred method of bouncing. And again, as I always say, the reason I like to differentiate between what is ghosting is not because I'm trying to condone

somebody's shitty behavior. But I don't want you guys to walk around and be like, I keep getting ghosted because that hurts your self-esteem. As opposed to, I don't know, I keep having first dates that aren't panning out. That's okay. I don't know. Yeah, we're just not jiving. That's a bit better on your self-esteem. And chasing the high, some people are addicted to the honeymoon stage. They thrive on the novelty, the excitement, and the passion that's characterized in new romances. But once the interest is lost and they become routine, that's when they're not interested.

So have you ever noticed people that are always constantly saying, just haven't met the right girl, just haven't met the right girl, just haven't met the right guy, they're constantly chasing that high. They like the highs and lows. Why do you think people healthy equals boring? It's like, no, motherfucker. Healthy doesn't equal boring. Your nervous system is begging and craving for hell.

healthy. And so we have to just remember kind of these different aspects. And the last thing that's like it could be is, you know, misreading their own feelings. So some people can chase and come in. Why do you think I've always been saying, if you come in at a hundred, where the fuck else are you going to go? Because some people come in really hot being like, oh my God, yes, I want this, I want this. And then they start getting in a relationship and they're like, oh, oh, this requires a lot of and her ability makes me uncomfortable. This requires me to look at myself. No, thank you. This requires me to take accountability. Don't know how to do that. So they think that they want it. That's like when people will say, this guy led me on. I'm like, well, what do you mean?

Well, he said he wanted a relationship and then we went on five dates and then he told me he didn't want one with me. It's like, no, that person didn't lead you on. That person just like decided that they don't want a relationship with you. That's very different than, you know, and oftentimes too, some people can rush in and think that they're ready and then they get in. They're like, oh my God, I'm not ready for this. So I think if we have a little bit of compassion for some people, that doesn't mean ghostings okay. That's just a separate thing.

So I just wanted to. Somebody had asked me to share signs of consistency and reciprocity. And I don't know, there's not like going to be specifics like, guy does this equals this. I don't like to make sweeping generalizations of anything. But what does consistency mean? The person you go to bed to is the person you wake up to. Now, some people will go, what the fuck does that mean?

You know what that means? I'll tell you and I'll give you a story. When I dated the guy that lived in Utah and we met in L.A. And we met at this workout class and I was kookoo-koo over him. And when I went to see him, when I talk about hot and cold within the same conversation. And I'll never forget. Like he was the epitome of disorganized, avoidant, like so hot and cold, so in and out. An example of the consistency was we had had this.

We had played We're Not Really Strangers the last night I was there. And I remember. And I said, so like, you know, how do you feel about us? Like, I'm going to go back. like, do you want to keep dating? And he was like, I said, you know, like make it exclusive. We had an amazing time today. Like, I feel like we really got closer. And he just goes, you know, I think I still need to date around. And I was like, are you fucking kidding me? And I finally called him out. And I was like, you're so full of shit. I was like, I am just so done. And all this

and he's like, I have never felt so connected to somebody. And I was like, what? And he was like, you call me out of my shit so hard. This is what I need. I finally feel like I met an equal. Blah, blah. And I remember we had this great talk. We had amazing sacks. We went to bed, like, almost crying, cuddling each other being like, I'm like, I'm. I feel so seen. I'm so into you. Like at that point, I was just kind of like signed to delivered, have my stuff mailed to me. I'm not leaving. The next morning, we're getting ready to leave. I'm crying. And we're having this whole moment. I leave. I go back. We talk that. We talk the next day. And I said, wow, man, I feel so connected to you. And he goes, yeah,

but I still think I want to date other people. And I was like, wait, what? And he goes, well, when I said I made an equal, I met, I meant an equal, not my equal. And that's when I was like, dude, you're full of shit. I was like, I'm so fucking done. I was out. Needless to say, home boy is still single. But my point being is that's inconsistent. The person I went to bed to wasn't the person I woke up to. They had hot and cold and flip and flop and one minutes this, one minute's this, one minute's thin, one minute, no. No, someone reciprocal is someone, hey, I really like you. I like you too. Cool. Someone consistent. Want to go out Friday? Yes, Friday you guys go out. We want to do something. I'm going to call you tomorrow. They call you.

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From, binge all episodes, exclusively on Paramount Plus. So somebody had asked as well, signs your chasing a feeling. Let's talk about it. Because it's hard. I think we really need to have some self-awareness. And at the end of the day, Mama Bear, Zohar isn't going to be with you guys. As much as I'm chirping in your ear right now, you can have a one-on-one with me all day.

You could ask me the questions. We could have everything. But I'm not with you. I'm not there ensuring that you hold yourself accountable. I'm not there calling you on your bullshit. So here we go. So you're in love with the idea of them. So if you find yourself enamored with the idea of being in love or in a relationship more than the specific qualities of the person you're with, you're probably chasing a feeling.

If you can't sit here and be like, here are all the reasons I care about. If you ask me right now, why do I love tech guy? He's thoughtful. He's compassionate. He's empath. He's caring. He always puts me, he prioritizes me. I love that he's soft but also hard with me.

I love that he really wants to make sure that I am happy and that my needs to. are met and vice versa. Like, you see how I can give you very clear reasons as to why I want to be with this person. Babes, if you've met this guy once or twice, you don't have any of that shit. Don't come at me with that. So at that point, now you're just chasing the feeling. You just want to, you're over-romanticizing. So you're overlooking, ignoring the big red flags because you're so wrapped up in the emotions or the idea of the relationship, but you're not actually seeing that this person can't give you that relationship. And if you're constantly chasing the emotional highs and lows, you're constantly restless or dissatisfied during the

ordinary moments. That's another sign that if you're always waiting for those peaks and valleys, bitch, that is not good for your nervous system. Your nervous system doesn't want to feel that. Your nervous system wants consistency. It wants to feel safe. Not always on high alert. And so if you find yourself dating people and you're like, I get bored, check yourself, mama or daddy, hey, Check yourself. It's not, that's not a place to be. That's not the, like, oh, that's how everyone feels. No, it's not.

So another thing, constant need for validation. If you're constantly seeking approval or validation from the person you're with, it's indicating that you are more interested in how they make you feel about yourself than how you actually feel about them. So let's talk about that. It's normal to want reassurance from your partner. It's normal to be like, we good? You good?

You still love me? Okay, cool. You're happy with this? You're having a good time? that's just called basic communication versus the endless, endless pit of needs. Constantly, constantly, every fucking five seconds is, I need the text and I need this. And that's like, this has nothing to do with them. You're looking more at the validation that they give you than how you even feel about them.

You don't even know if you like this person. You strip it away and it's like, do you actually like them if you take away all the things that they do for you? Mm-hmm. So could I have a fear of being alone? that scarcity mindset. So if your, if your reason is to be with someone is because you're saying, well, I'd rather that than be alone,

I need you to fucking run as fast as you can. That's not, I'd rather be alone than in bad company. Again, I'll repeat Grandma Lucy, RIP babes, but I know she would be very proud of them. So another thing too, and I got this a lot. Physical attraction is being prioritized more than emotional attraction for you. Let that one say.

sit in. If you're focused on the physical appearance of them, then you are neglect neglecting the emotional intimacy. So if you meet a guy and you're like, but he's hot, girl, I've been there. I have been there. And guys too, just because she's hot, dumb, mean shit. That becomes baseline after a while. It gets really, you get turned off. I get turned off from looks. Trust me, if I could show you some of the dudes I knew from New York that used to be fucking hotty patis and now, yikes. Mm-hmm. So another one, you get bored easily. So if you're constantly looking for that excitement. And when it fades, you get restless and you're looking for a new thrill and you're looking for a new thrill. Another thing, that's chasing the feeling. Why do you think I say when people are going from person to person to person to person, a person to person? It's not because, oh, I just haven't found the right one. You're chasing that thrill. And same with if you keep fucking with people that are super unhealthy and you know that. It's like, then this is coming from the fact that you'd rather be with somebody and force them to become the version of who you want them to be versus accept them for who they are. Mm-hmm.

You got to focus on... If you want to know how to really start to heal this shit, focus on self-love and acceptance. Not the boogey bullshit. Go do a face mask? Do you love yourself? Do you look at yourself and go, you're a badass bitch?

I'm proud of you. I love you. I accept you. I know that you've had your shit, but I still am here for you. Genuinely? Because if you don't, first place to start,

you nurture other relationships. Are you trying to see your friends and your family and build other relationships and go out and meet new people, if you're hyper-focusing on this one person and you can't get through your fucking day because some Joe Schmo, you had two hours with over drinks

that isn't even shit, hasn't text you, but yet you can't even be present with your friends. You're chasing the feeling. You're looking for that validation. They're going to leave me, they're going to abandon me. Do we remember last week's episode? The fear of abandonment and the fear of rejection of nothing to do with them?

You've got to heal those past traumas. You've got to be there for yourself. You've got to reparent that little you. And the number one thing after that, except people as they are, not how you want them to be. That's the biggest thing with 90-day fiancé. I watch it and I'm like, you all want this person to be somebody,

but they're not that person. And you're so focused on, no, no, but they have to be this, that you're projecting onto them. That's not who they are. So somebody had asked, what are boundaries that can protect you from love bombers or people coming on strong?

Because remember, again, when somebody's chasing the feeling, love bombers are great at that. They'll come in at 100 because that's a manipulation tactic. They're trying to get you to waver on your boundaries and become the center of your universe. And on the anxious side of it, a lot of people that will be love bombers, it's because they just want the validation. They don't want to lose someone. They feel good by having somebody else want them.

So how do you stop that? Guess what? You're going to fucking hate me when I say this because my anxious attaches hate when I have to say this. Learn some patience. Pace the relationship. You want that relationship. You want that love. You want that acceptance.

But it doesn't happen overnight. people all the time will be like, I want what you in tech I have. I'm like, you got to eat shit for a while then. You got to learn to sit through that discomfort. You got to learn to challenge yourself. You got to learn to push yourself. You don't get the ride or die best friend just because you want on three dates and all of a sudden the person's the love of your life.

Yeah, it could happen to like two people in the world, but the average fucking person, it takes time. It requires patience. And anxious detachers struggle with that because we want them to meet a seat. Don't leave me, don't leave me, don't leave me. And then for my avoidance, it's like, it's not scary to let somebody in.

So start working on letting somebody in. So you got to pace the relationship. If someone's moving for quick commitment or moving the relationship forward at lightning speed, slow it down. Set a boundary. Hey, I'm not interested in expediting the stages of the relationship quicker than they need to be.

I don't know you that well. I don't need to see you every day. I don't need to talk to you every day. I don't need to make you part of my day-to-day routine. Why would I text somebody every day that isn't part of my day-to-day life? Because guess what you have to do if it's not? You have to grieve that.

You're grieving a loss that wasn't even ever fucking anything. Come on, babes. We got to also trust yourself. Your gut tells you things. Learn to communicate your boundaries. And if somebody walks away, thanks for doing me the favor. Because for all my people pleasers out there, all of a sudden it's, no, I can't say anything,

and they're going to leave me. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Really? So you think speaking up, I know that when you were a kid, you weren't able to speak up. I get that. You were in a household that you weren't able to do that. You had to keep the peace.

You're not dating your mom or dad anymore. We got to accept that. boundaries are fucking crucial when it comes to dating. You are telling people what you're willing to allow and what you're not, so don't fuck with that. Another big thing, you need to limit personal information that you share. Love bombers use personal details to create a false sense of intimacy or manipulate to you. Be fucking careful who you share things with you don't know this person.

You don't know them. So maintain some independence. It's okay. Have your own life. And also like, look for reciprocity. If someone's showing you, showering you with affection and gifts, but isn't reciprocating on your boundaries or needs, but it's because they're chasing the feeling.

They're doing it because it makes them feel. Don't forget to watch for consistency. Love bombers will often be inconsistent. They'll shower you with love and attention, and then they'll be distant and abusive the next day. The push-pull dynamic is what keeps you off balance. That's how they're able to manipulate. That's how they're able to get you.

because it's constantly where you're waiting for them to give you the permission to feel good. And a big thing, avoid isolation. Love bombers and narcissists and manipulators, they want to get you away. They'll try to monopolize your time. They'll speak negatively about people in your life. They'll try to hit those core wounds. Think bad. If you've always said, I've had problems with my mom or dad, they'll start chiming in your,

yeah, it sounds like your mom still doesn't love you, huh? I don't know. I'm just saying, I'm here. I accept you as you are. It sounds like your mom fucking hates you. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Because you got to remember, guys, chemistry off the bat doesn't mean compatibility. You can have great sex with somebody. That doesn't mean that you're going to be compatible. I'm going to answer another couple of questions. What does it mean to chase the feeling in the context of dating?

So chasing the feeling refers to pursuing a relationship based on intense emotions or initial attraction versus logic or actually getting to know somebody. And so we do this because that's literally evolutionary. We want strong relationships for a potential partner. But the butterflies or intense feelings can be physiological. And that signifies to our brain that this person's a suitable partner. That doesn't actually mean that they are. You see why the spark is such a trick. It literally tricks your brain into thinking that it's something more than it actually is

because this person might not be anything that would be good for you. And if you're continuously chasing the high or you're a serial date or you're hopping from one person to one person, you're seeking that euphoria. And it prevents you from creating deep, real long-lasting relationship. And so if you're dating for potential, it's like you're hoping that this person's going to become something. They're just not. It's a betting on the future that may or may not happen. Are you going to put all of your money on a horse that's gimp? I'm not.

I'm not. And so if you're finding yourself doing that, maybe you start to look of like, is this happening because you want to. to fix or rescue? You want to fix or rescue them? Is that a reflection of your own insecurities? That if the partner improves, it'll look positive on you. Isn't that funny? And so here's a nice healthy balance being drawn to someone's potential versus accepting them as they are. And the key here is recognizing and valuing someone's current qualities while also supporting their growth. So you can love the person. And you want to make sure that you love who they are to day, not just who they can become.

I ask this all the time. If you start with, I like them, but, done, you're trying to change them. Well, listen, it's one thing to be like, I love tech. I wouldn't be like, but I wish he was less this. I love him for who he is. You have to remember, a genuine love is rooted in an acceptance for who they are.

Infatuation is based on potential about the excitement of what they could become, often overlooking incompatibilities. Start doing some self-reflection, babes. Understand your motives, your powers. patterns. What's going on for you? You know, we have to also look like the media over romanticizes this, this, you know, disney fucking line to us. They did. And so what I want you to start looking is like, are you looking at the red flags objectively? Are you justifying your partner's behavior? Or are you chasing that drama that you only feel it's good when you have the highs and lows

because maybe you grew up in a household where your parents were super high and hot and cold. And so that feels safe to you. That's something that you're like, okay, this I know. When there's yelling, when they're screaming, because I know for me, when I got into a safe relationship, it was really hard to adjust my nervous system to feeling, wait, I'm safe, though. It doesn't need to be drama. I don't need to go after the idea of somebody. I can actually love somebody for who they are in front of me, not for who I want

them to be. I wanted to get to know tech guy better. That's a very different, but then saying I wanted him to be different. I knew the kind of person I wanted and he ended up being that kind of person he just needed more time to open up versus if you were super rigid and super this then I would just be trying to change him

that's it would you want anyone to try to change you probably not right you want someone to accept you for who you are when you mean you start doing that you start seeing people who they are and so if you find it stop with the pedestal bullshit make them a real fucking person

this person is not the end all be all And when we do the pedestal, parent-child dynamic reaffirmed. So I know, I know it's hard when you're dating somebody. You can get excited, but you cannot attach to the outcome or get so enamored by the idea of them that you lose yourself praying that this person's going to turn into somebody that they're not. Then you wonder why you don't feel safe. Then you wonder why you're constantly repeating the same patterns.

When you could start seeing people for who they are, if you can leave a date and say, he was really nice, man, he was handsome, but nah personality didn't work with mine i don't know he's just a little little too rigid i just wasn't that into versus oh my god he's so hot i hope he calls me and then then i'm like did you like the guy well he didn't really ask me a lot of questions and he's kind of just made it sexual it's like oh my fucking god you just want this person to choose you it has nothing to do with who they actually are you're just looking at what they represent i'm gonna leave there i'm gonna leave out there so babes i hope this helped i hope i was

able to give you some fucking meat and potatoes to be able to take with you. And I hope that for anybody out there that's dating potential, you can finally take those rose-colored glasses off and see people as they are so that you're not so fucking disappointed every time this person lets you down by being who they actually are. Because you're doing it to yourself at this point. So, guys, thank you, Indiana for sitting with me for another awesome week. I'm hoping that I was able to shed some light, give you some clarity, answer some questions, be the annoying, a little noose around your little neck right now. But I say it with a lot of love

because I genuinely want you guys to snap the fuck out of it and open your eyes and realize you have this within you. The love is within you. Stop waiting for somebody else to come and let you free and save you when only you can save yourself. This is not anybody else's job but yours.

And the longer that you try to project it onto them and hope that they're going to do it, the longer, the further away you are from it. You want that love? start loving yourself like the way you want other people to and you'll fucking see your life change. I promise you. Accept yourself how other people are. Accept yourself for who you really are.

That way you can start accepting them for who they really are. All right, babies. I love you. And until next week, we'll do it again soon. And next week's Tech Guys episode. Oh my God, I'm so excited. I love you guys. Thank you for everything.

Please don't forget to rate the podcast. Link in the show notes if you need anything. Please give our sponsors some love. And thank you guys again. I fucking love you to the moon and back. And yeah, I just, I'm glad I get to. to be able to do this with you guys.