The Sabrina Zohar Show - 4: All things Breakups, healing and the way anxious/avoidant handles relationships ending.

Episode Date: February 17, 2023

On this weeks episode, Sabrina goes over how anxious/avoidant handle breakups, how to move through it, what to do after, and things to do when youre anxious and dealing with a breakup! Want to work with Sabrina? HERE! Stuck After the Podcast? Master Implementation in 8 Weeks with Sabrina's Foundation Course Join the Make It Make Sense: Getting Through a Breakup course HERE! Get Ad-free episodes and 2 Bonus episodes a month HERE! Dont forget to follow Sabrina and The Sabrina Zohar Show on instagram and Sabrina on Tik tok! Video now available on YOUTUBE!  Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formally known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A.Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Hello, hello, hello, and welcome back to another episode of Do the Work Podcast. My name is Sabrina Zohar, and I will be your lovely host today on this journey through doing the work. Today we are going to talk about breakups, getting through a breakup, the breakups from an anxious and avoidant, and everything in between. So buckle up and let's get to getting. All right. Welcome back to week four.

So exciting. I can't believe we're ready in our fourth episode, and it just keeps growing, which is the most exciting part of this. So this week, I wanted to talk about breakups because I think it's something that everybody can relate to. We have all had our heartbroken. We have all gone through a breakup at one point in our life or another. And I think it's really important for some gentle reminders and some things that we should discuss like the difference, a breakup happening for an anxious verse and avoid it and how it comes off. Because more often than not, those are a lot of the questions that I get.

Like, I don't understand. How is that person not care? That's really not what it is. So first off, let's just get down to, I get it. You are seen, heard, and understood. Breakups fucking suck. Everybody's experienced it. We've all had somebody that we really cared about and did. A lot of the times I'll hear I was completely blindsided. It came out of nowhere. And those are those moments where I have to say, I'm sorry, but I have trouble believing you because really what that means is either somewhere in your

relationship, you guys weren't communicating effectively or you had your rose-colored glasses on and didn't want to see things for as they were. Yes, granted, some people can be really great actors. This isn't discrediting the fact that that might be how you feel. But remember, the point of this podcast is to bring up things so for growth, awareness, and becoming the best version of yourself. So usually when somebody blind signs you with a breakup, they've been thinking about that for a while. They have been ruminating with those thoughts and feelings. And typically, when somebody has broken up with you, they are significantly further ahead on the getting over it journey than you are. You are just starting when you find out that information. They've been on that train. They've done. They've

been getting over it and getting ready to move on and processing this. So I think a lot of the times we're always so crushed by, I don't understand, how did somebody break up with me? And then a month later, they've moved on. And there's a couple things to remember. How does a breakup manifest itself between an anxious and avoidant, let's say, or somebody's secure? So to start off, somebody's secure, it doesn't mean that a breakup doesn't hurt. We're not talking about like shutting off feelings or saying that you're like a complete, you know, fucking void and don't feel. But somebody's secure can say, yes, this hurts. I feel it. I am processing it. I am accepting it. But I also know that I'm going to be okay. That is really where security comes in because you know that you can self-soothe and you know that you can

take care of yourself. Whereas an avoidant, what is their thought process? It's completely to remove themselves. You have to remember, what is an avoidant and how do they deal with things? Avoidance are people that as a child, they were taught like that they didn't have a safe space to express themselves. Their emotions were too big for other people and their emotions weren't safe to express. So they self-soothed by removing themselves. They have always removed themselves from the situation. That is how they protect themselves. Nobody was there to be there for them. So they were there for themselves. Often why in avoid inputs themselves on a pedestal. It isn't because they genuinely believe they are better than other people. It's because they have a very low self-worth, but they believe that

they have it more figured out because they internalize things versus an anxious that is very outwardly. And so oftentimes during a breakup, we'll see 99.9% of the time you avoid it, we'll get into something after. Or you'll say, I don't get it, but like they didn't even feel. That's because they don't process an ending of something when it happens. They avoid it. They push it away and say, not right now. I don't want to fucking deal with this. Too many emotions, too much heightened.

I can't handle that. If they're in therapy and they're working through it, of course, that is such a positive. And you can actually have a potential for some changes there. but if you're not in therapy and you are just, 99% of the time they look at it as it's everybody else and it's not them. Whereas how does an anxious take a breakup? Everything, the first thought process is, it's me. What did I do? I'm not good enough.

They attack their self-worth and their core because an anxious was taught as a child growing up. Love is not consistent. Love has to be earned. You didn't have consistent love from caregiver. So it was give and take, give and take. Thus, why do you think anxious and avoidant that dynamic? It's called the anxious avoidant and trap. a reason because it is just that. It's a fucking trap. And so when the anxious gets broken up with,

usually what they do is they go right into beating themselves up over it. It's all me. What did I do? What is my problem? What's wrong with me? It hits the self-worth because they seek validation through other people. So if somebody has broken up with them in their minds, it's, well, there's something wrong with me. What's wrong with me? And they're seeking the validation from other people. How does that manifest itself in a breakup? Have you ever seen where normally you'll see an avoidant they break it off and they move on. They move out. They don't contact you, at least for a long time

until maybe they've processed it down the road to then have a conversation with you. Avoidance need the space to process it because you have to remember, space is how they calm their central nervous system. Connection is not. Whereas an anxious person, connection is how they calm their central nervous system.

So to an anxious person, it's, why can't we heal together? Why can't we come together and do this? Well, that is literally the biggest nightmare of the avoidance. Similarly, the avoiding can feel, I don't understand why can't we just have space to process this and move on with our lives. You see how the anxious is completely terrified by that. It's the antithesis of what they want.

They want connection. So off the bat, you're looking at how a breakup manifests itself differently. Let me assure you, if you are somebody that has broken up with or had an avoidant break up with you and you find them in a relationship quickly shortly thereafter, I can promise you. The girl after you or the guy after you ain't getting anything that you didn't get prior. because the avoidant didn't process through the breakup. They didn't learn a lesson from it. They didn't understand their pardoned it.

They didn't see why it didn't work and where the points of contention were. Thus, how do you think that in their new relationship, this is going to manifest itself any differently than where we are right now? You see what I mean? So that's kind of like the basics on the anxious and avoidant and how they process breakups and where they come from a breakup on each side. The most important thing for me is like after every single breakup, I always look at what are the lessons here? And I kind of put this like, it's the cheesiest fucking way for me to put this, but sure, we're going to go for it.

You are the star of your own movie, right? It's your life. You are the main character. You are the main attraction. You are the number one reason and thing of, you're everything that's going on. The world revolves around you and your movie. All these relationships are like quick extras. Now, do you think the star, do you think when, I don't fucking, I'm just going to give you an example, the raw.

I don't know, some major celebrity. When he has a snafu with an extra, do you think he spends days, weeks, years harping on it? No, it's just move on. It's another person. That person was in your life for 10 seconds. It was a quick scene and they move on. So that's kind of like a lot of the times how avoidance see it.

It's like, it's very much like, all right, you were just a blip on my screen and I move on. But I don't necessarily think that is the worst way to think about it in the sense where it's, I don't think that you discredit somebody and take away all the amazing things that you guys had in a relationship. But my point being is harping on something, isn't going to change the fact that it happened. And so this will kind of segue into us of like how to move on from a breakup.

But really my point and like what I'm trying to get to here is acceptance and seeing somebody in the light of the reason that they were in your movie, it doesn't mean that's just because you met someone who had in a relationship with them that they're going to be the future father or mother of your children and going to be the one and only and the die hard with you for the rest of your life. They could just be in this for just the mere moments, just those brief bits. that they are with you to teach you something. So if you are in a relationship and you are not taking a lesson from everything,

that is your first fucking biggest mistake. Because every single relationship is there to teach you about something. And what I love about Jay Shetty's new book, The Eight Rules of Love, is he talks about karma. And he doesn't talk about karma in the sense that we kind of know of it of like, oh, if you do something, then karma's going to get you, and the next time it's going to hurt you. What he takes it at is karma's kind of like that little shadow.

it's going to keep repeating itself, and you are going to keep going in the same relationships over and over and over until you learn the fucking lesson. So if you keep seeing, man, it's all the same, it's all the same, you're not learning from your experiences. The first thing I do when a breakup happens is, what was my part of this? How did I show up?

How did I manifest myself? What did I do? I make sure my side of the street is clean. I take ownership. Like, whenever I talk about my narcissistic piece of shit X, which, as you can see, I've really moved on from it. But like, no, I've moved on from it, and I've processed it, and I've accepted the fact that he's just not a good human being. But the first thing I do when I talk about that is I'm like, oh, no, don't get me wrong.

I was equally as unhealthy in my regard. He was incredibly narcissistic and avoidant and just blatantly not a good person. But I was so unhealthy, so anxious and so insecure within my own life that I didn't have boundaries and I didn't know how to show up and have the self-respect for myself to demand more in a relationship. Thus, it ended very negatively and badly. And honestly, that's where I started this entire journey and there. But it's about understanding the lessons that came with those relationships. Like, it's really important to learn something. So if you're getting out of something and you have learned nothing, that would be my first

place to start questioning yourself. Like, what is the opportunity that I've missed here? What am I not seeing? And how can I do better? This isn't to say you take ownership of other people. Shit, I'm not talking about that. I'm not talking about you owning all the issues in the relationship when those weren't yours to own.

But my point being is, you know, when you talk to somebody, it's like, what's the first telltale sign of like somebody that you should run away from? When they say, all my exes were crazy. I didn't do anything. It was all of them. Rest assured, no, that's not the case. I can guarantee you that right now. And so if you're not going to have some kind of ownership and a lesson that you have learned in a relationship, I would take that as a grave, grave, grave disservice to yourself. Because you are not actually learning from the lived experiences that you have.

Thus, they're going to keep manifesting themselves and keep coming back to you. you learn your fucking lesson. So that leads us into the next part of how do I quote unquote get over a breakup. And I get a lot of people that will write into me because I work with people one-on-one. I have the Patreon, which let me give a quick plug here. The Patreon is really, really, really, really important. Please, please, please support. Please join the Patreon. It's so important because it allows me to be able to continue to work with you guys one-on-one. It's $20 or $35 dollars depending on what tier you choose. And it really, really helps so that I can work with you one-on-one as opposed to DMing me because I can't answer DMs. So anyhow, now that I had the

Patreon and I am able to work with more people one-on-one, the main question I get quite often about breakups is, how do I get over this quickly? How do I stop hurting? And that is the first mistake that you're going to have here is if you are setting yourself over the expectation that you're going to be able to get over this quickly. Because what you're trying to do is avoid dealing with the issues that you have in front of you and avoid dealing with the pain that is presented for you. So, realistically speaking, how are you going to get over next? You're not going to get over anybody. You're going to get through it. And the first steps, it's the steps of grief. You have to accept that the breakup has happened. You have to accept that this is over. That is one of the

hardest things to do. And I know a lot of people that are going through that shit right now that I'm working with because they constantly want to find some kind of justification for the breakup or some kind of reasoning or sometimes it's just not. Sometimes there is no justification or reasoning. Sometimes people are just going through their journey and have realized it's not a relationship that they want to continue or pursue for whatever their reasons are. So instead of trying to make sense of it and get this closure that is so made up, in my opinion, accept it. Okay, it's over. And because the thing that happens with a breakup is the good floats to the top and the bad sinks to the bottom. And all of a sudden you forget all the issues that you guys had together, all the problems, all the shit that brought

you to this point of a breakup. Because more often than not, when we start challenging those thoughts, all of a sudden like a fucking Pandora's box, they all start to come out. So that is really what I challenge you to do. When you're going through a breakup or something, somebody ends something, doesn't really matter. You have to remember every meet that we have is a relationship. Even if you've only known somebody for one day, that's still a relationship. It doesn't mean that it's a serious relationship or whatever. But anyway, it doesn't even matter if you meet somebody at the grocery store. What's your relationship with them? So you have every right to mourn the death and have the funeral for the relationship that you thought that you had. And more importantly, I think what a lot of people

really get caught up on is it's less about the person that they're losing. I mean, of course, that has something to do with it, but more about the relationship that you thought you guys were going to have and the future that you thought we're going to build. Because more often than not, that's really why a lot of people hold on. And that's why a lot of people harp and get so caught up on somebody, especially if they didn't really know them that well. Oh, we were only dating for a month and they broke it off. I'm devastated. I'm gutted. It's like, no, you couldn't be. You are projecting this ideal version onto that person and you were holding on so tight the future you wanted you both to have and now you have to not only mourn the death of the relationship that you had, you have to

mourn the death of the future that you thought were you going to have, then starts coming in all of those thought processes of scarcity, mindset, I'm not enough, I'm never going to find anybody, and you start to spiral. So truly, how you're going to move through a relationship is accepting that it's over, truly accepting it, feeling it, crying it. I don't want to hear, well, what if he comes back? I don't care. First of all, why would you want somebody that would end it with you and come back? you have to remember too somebody's behavior first of all if you allow it what do you think they're going to do to you again and second of all if somebody is okay risking losing you by ending it you do they have no right to enter back into your life nobody is that fucking fantastic because if they were they wouldn't

have ended it with you they would have said we need to talk about this work through it go to therapy whatever very rarely does somebody break up with you go do all this intense work within themselves and go do therapy and yada yada and then come back going okay here are all the reasons that i broke it off like the self-awareness around that is usually lacking and that's why when people say oh but he came back it's like why are you entertaining it and allowing it did you not learn anything from this relationship you see how this is coming full circle did you not learn anything did you not grow your standards and boundaries and have more respect for yourself than to deserve somebody's bullshit breadcrumbs the fact that they ended it with you went out there saw what was out there and perhaps also realize that there wasn't

anything great and decided to come back to you? I mean, y'all, why would anybody want that? So it's like, instead of harping, and I see so much shit on TikTok of like how to get into your ex's mind, instead of harping so much on what somebody else is thinking, doing, and feeling, why don't you worry about your own fucking self? Why don't you worry about what you are thinking, feeling, and experiencing? Because everybody wants to put it on to everyone else. Because if you put it on to other people and you worry so much about what your ex is doing, that's why I always say, go no contact. Like block, mute. I don't give shit what you need to do. Get that person out of your sphere. Stop looking at their Instagram. Stop checking the text messages. Stop rereading everything along the way.

It is literally going to drive you insane because it hasn't changed anything. You could sit there and create a scenario for every single word that you read, every photo that you see. And just because somebody is posting or doing something doesn't actually mean that they are living that life of fulfillment and happiness and contentment. Guess what? It's called social media and you could put whatever persona that you want out there. So when dealing with a breakup and how to get over it, it's about learning your lessons, trying to move through it. And then also start getting excited about the relationship that you want to have.

Start getting excited about the future partner that you want. Start writing down every single thing that you want. I want to be treated like this. I want these feelings. I want this person to do this because guess what? One, it helps you get excited about what's to fucking come because I guarantee you it will be better than what you had. Listen to me right now. I don't want to hear this excuse. No, they were the best. No, they were the only one. No, they weren't. You are choosing cognitively to put them on that

pedestal. So it's time for you to also choose to take them the fuck off of it. Sorry for some tough love, but I think that's what we're all here for. And second of all, get excited about even better out there. And because oftentimes, too, a lot of the times we get the relationships that, not the ones that we want, but the ones that we need. And so after I've had breakups, I get really excited. And I start writing about, man, I can't wait to feel this and I can't wait to feel this. I can't wait to feel somebody unconditional who shows up for me, who accepts me for me, who wants to love me fully. And guess the fuck what? I went through a breakup in November after my dog died. And I wasn't even that necessarily bummed and gutted about the guy because I knew at that point well enough that I was going to be okay,

more so gutted about my dog, obviously. But really what I got, excited about was, I can't wait to see the kind of person that I'm going to meet next. And I met the tech guy. And he might not be on paper everything that I was, oh my God. And again, let me preface. I don't know if we're going to be together for fucking ever. I don't know what's going to happen. But I know right now that these are all the feelings I knew I wanted to have with a partner. I knew I wanted to feel loved like this. I knew I wanted to feel adored and admired and just put as a priority for once in a relationship as opposed to me always putting other people in front of me. And it feels really nice to have someone say, no, you are my priority as well and it's reciprocated.

And I focus so heavily on how I wanted to feel in the next relationship that I was able to identify it when I had those feelings. And I also had to challenge myself to say, you were in something unhealthy. It's time for you to fucking fix that shit and start really figuring out what triggered you by that person giving you breadcums? What triggered you? Where was all of that coming from? Why did you go for that avoidant?

Why did you go for the person that wasn't able to show you those emotions? Why did you seek that in this relationship? and then work through those issues and reparent the little me. Thus, when I entered this new relationship, I'm entering it as a grown-ass fucking woman. Because anytime tech guy and I have any issues, we can talk about it. The minute I bring it to him, his response is, thank you for sharing this with me.

This is work I need to do on myself, and you're right, I need to own this. And vice versa. If he has any issues or he sets a boundary, I say, cool, noted, thank you so much for telling me. I will respect that. So it's not the end-all-be-all, and your mind is as strong as you want to fucking make it. So if you want to sit there and dwell and go all into how sad you are, I'll let you have your pity

party for a little bit. You can have it for a little bit. And then eventually you got to get yourself out of it because you're the only person that's going to come save you. The next relationship isn't going to save you. The next person that comes in isn't going to help yourself worth, isn't going to make you feel any more different or better or worse. Well, worse, yes. Any better or different than you feel about yourself right now because other people can't change that. Only you can change that within yourself. Other people can't do that for you. So I think that's such a big part of accepting a breakup is really seeing it for what it is and calling yourself out on some shit. Hey, wow, I am holding on to the idea of this person. That person, you know, it's like even, I can even do this right now,

this guy I dated. I thought for months he was, ugh, the perfect guy. I miss the one that got away. And like, I'm so glad I talked to him like eight months later because I was like, whoa, wow, you haven't changed at all. You are still a fucking avoidant child. And it made me realize like, wow, you held on to the idea of this person. Ah, yeah, you had some good banter. Did that person ever really open up to you? Oh, wow, I guess they didn't. I was the one that opened up. I was the one that created that safe space. I was the one that created the love and the tenderness and the care in that relationship. Huh. Look at that. I'm the one who brought that to the table. How exciting. So let's, now we've talked about accepting a breakup, how that feels, how it's manifested. Now let's talk about after a

breakup, what to do. So here's what you're going to do. You can have a little pity party for yourself. Like I said, you give yourself some time. You can have your moments. You can feel. You can do whatever it is that you want to do. But at the end of the day, you got to put your big boy or big girl pants on and accept the fact that it's over and put yourself the fuck back out there. But only after you feel like you are truly ready to give of yourself to somebody else. Because otherwise, you are going to inflict pain on the next person because of what the person before you did to you. So I would say personally after, take a break. Take a break.

You do not, nobody says you have to run back into dating. Nobody said that you're on anyone's timeline. I think it's being honest with yourself and seeing where you are along the journey. Therapy is the best bet for everybody. I think everybody at some point in their life needs to be in therapy because we all have shit constantly that we need to work on. And if anybody thinks that they are above that, that's called pride. ego. So I think it's super important to take your time to heal by yourself. But then also remember,

we also heal in relationships because you can do as much healing as you want on yourself, but eventually you're going to have to get back in the game and you're going to have to get back out there and you're going to get triggered again and you're going to feel again. And you can think that you are all healed and amazing and everything until you get into a new relationship and you see, oh, shit, I'm super triggered by all these things with this person. So take the time, but get excited while you're doing that while you're healing call yourself out on your shit hey these are my shortcomings in relationships here's and start asking yourself okay why am i so scared to date now okay i'm scared to hurt great i understand that but at the end of the day i know i'm going to be okay that's where

that security comes back into place but i'll be okay no matter what because i think everybody wants a guarantee now especially in the dating world we're the google generation you check the fucking menu at a restaurant before you even show up because you need to guarantee that it's going to work for you and you guarantee everything before leaving the house but maybe for once, we have to accept and sit in the fact that we don't know what's going to happen. We don't know what the future holds. And sometimes you just got to put yourself out there while maintaining healthy boundaries and knowing what it is that you want and not sticking around to something that doesn't serve

you or give that to you. So if you're getting back into the dating after, go slow. That's totally, nobody said this is a race. No one said you have to find a partner. Nobody said any of that. Go slow and show yourself some compassion. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself some love.

Hey, you've been through a lot. You've gone through some shit. Enter and slowly. Tell people that you're dating. Hey, I don't want to rush into anything. I've had some shit that's happened to me in the past. I've been really hurt like the rest of us have. And also, too, remember that. You're not the only one. I love that when I go out with the guy. I've been so hurt. And it's like, oh, right, you're the only person? I think every single person that is, I'm staring at the screen right now talking to, could attest to the fact that they have been gutted and heartbroken to the point where they didn't think they could trust again,

but yet here we are. And that's also the thing to remember, you are always going to be okay. Look at where you are right now. You got a roof over your head. You got food. You've got friends, family support, something in your life. You're going to be fucking fine. You were good before them. You'll be good after them.

And here's also my thing. I got a lot of people that say, but I wasn't good before them. So what makes you think you'd be good with them? Stop looking for everybody else to validate and save you. Start saving yourself. Work on yourself. Do the shit that you need to do so that you enter a healthy relationship. Because let me tell you, the fact that I'm finally in a super healthy relationship,

what have I learned from it? Wow. The way I was dating prior to this was not how it was supposed to be. I'll tell you that. It shouldn't be battles. It shouldn't be constant fighting and screaming and feeling like you're neverhood. You're not understood. You're not seen.

You can have disagreements. You can have arguments. You can have fights. But it's how do you bounce back from those? And trust me, as you start to work on yourself, especially after those shitty breakups, when you start to hold yourself accountable and realize, man, I was really anxious. And I was doing this. and I was doing this, I could totally see how it manifested myself on the partner.

Then when you start to work through that, you don't enter the next relationship doing the same things because you should know better by now. You should have learned, right? And that's the only way we can improve is to go through life lessons so that you can get throughout the other side stronger and better. So when you're getting back into the dating world, it's totally cool to go slow. Let your partners know, hey, I'm not trying to rush into anything. That doesn't mean I'm not into you.

That doesn't mean I don't want to not see you. That doesn't mean anything like that. What that means is, I don't want to rush the intimacy and I don't want to force a relationship to happen before I know that you're somebody I want to be in a relationship with. Because then you're just going to end up heartbroken and devastated after because it's either you didn't see the red flags in the beginning. You weren't being honest with yourself. You weren't being honest about the person you were dealing with.

And again, that's where I go of like, you know, when I hear people like with all these red flags in the beginning saying that they're so devastated at the end, it's like sometimes it's hard to find compassion for those people because it's like, well, you saw all those things. but yet you decided that you were going to go head through to what, prove your childhood trauma's right, try to reinstigate and refuel and re-trigger all the bullshit that you already fucking have been through at the point, that you're not worthy of love,

that you're not easy to love, that love has to be earned, love has to be conditional. You're just reaffirming all of those things by getting into a relationship with somebody and then breaking it off after. And also, here's my rule for after a breakup. Again, no contact, no talking to an ex again. If they, I hear this all the time,

but they text me. Great. Why are you allowing that? I got a lot of people that text and call every doesn't mean I answer every fucking one. Hold accountability. That's the difference between, and there you go, when you're going to get back into the dating world after a breakup, that's the biggest difference between a high quality, high value, whatever the fuck you want to put it onto somebody versus somebody who is really, really insecure, is that they don't walk in thinking how everybody else is going to save them and how everybody else is going to validate them and what's wrong with everybody else. No. I'm not worried about everybody else. I'm worried about myself and I'm worried about do I like them, not do they like me? I'm not that concerned about that

truthfully. I want to see, do you embody the traits and the things that I'm looking for in a future partner? Because if not, I'm cool to walk away. I don't have scarcity mindset. There are, what, 8 million, 8 billion people? Eight billion, eight million, huh? Eight billion people on the planet. Oh, excuse me, so one fuck boy that I met out in a fucking bar, sorry that that one didn't work out or this hinge match that didn't pan out into anything. I'm not going to cry over spilled milk. And I learned that after my dog passed away. I cared so much about shit that was completely irrelevant and stupid. And thus it just makes you a different dater.

And so that's also why I say, like, don't go back to an ex. Because you're not the person anymore. That relationship is over as it was. You're not that person anymore. So why would you go back to them? Sorry. I move on. I move forward.

I'm going ahead. I don't look behind. Because you've lost trust with that person. You've lost the relationship that you had. you can only start on forward again. And sometimes also, too, what people have to accept is too much transpired in a relationship to try to fix it, to try to work on it. Sometimes you have to let it end because that is the only way that you can move on.

And I am always so grateful for every breakup because it taught me so much about myself, even sometimes the innocent, small little thing of trust your gut, your intuition knew it. Even things like that. But if you're going to sit here and say, well, I'm not good, you know, I wasn't good before them, I won't be good after them. Then trust me, babe, no one is going to change that besides you. So if you're not good before you're getting into a relationship and you're super anxious or avoidant and have all your traumas and your issues and you think that you're going to get into a relationship and that's all of a sudden going to be healed because somebody else is in the picture,

you are gravely mistaken and I am trying to manage your expectations here because that's just not how the cookie is going to crumble. And that's just some real talk. Need a vehicle that isn't afraid to make a splash? That's the Volkswagen Tauce, capable and confident the Volkswagen Taos is fit for everyday life, nimble in traffic, agile and tight spots, and still spacious enough for weekend getaways. While available 4-motion all-wheel drive gives confidence in rain and snow. The capable Taos, you deserve more confidence. Visit vw.ca to learn more. SUVW, German engineered for all. If you're anxious and you're sitting in this discomfort, here are some coping mechanisms that you can implement. Change your scenery.

Get the fuck out of your house. If you sitting at home is triggering you, go out for a walk. I don't care if it's something as simple as you standing in your front yard, feeling the grass under your skin. You need to do something that brings you back into the present moment because we ruminate in those thoughts. Especially people with anxiety, you'll ruminate and you'll get caught up on it. And it's like a loop playing in your head

because you're trying to pull in pieces to make sense of it because you think that that's going to quell your anxiety when it's not. So it's acceptance. And then it's change your scenery. If you're feeling anxious in the, that moment, remove yourself and bring yourself back to the present moment. Start looking around even. I'll do that. I'll get stuck and I'm like, it's Tuesday afternoon at 3 o'clock. The sun is shining. I'm okay. Bring yourself back to now. What are some facts about the moment that you're in?

Not the things that you've created in your head that you now seem to think are facts because they're not. You have no validity to them. What are some things? And then start asking yourself, what is this anxiety doing to serve? Is this helping me? No. So then why am I putting myself through it? Our brains are so much stronger than we give ourselves credit to. Challenge your thoughts. Why am I so stuck on this person? Ask yourself those questions. Don't just start ruminating in like a hamster on a wheel.

Why am I stuck on this? Why am I still thinking about this? What is this person evoking at me? All of those. Challenge your thoughts. That is the only way. I think a lot of people they want to know, they think of healing anxiety as it just goes away.

No. What it means is that you are challenged. You become better at challenging your thoughts. You become quicker at catching yourself. you start to realize, wait a minute, no, no, no, no, that's bullshit. This is not accurate. I'm not giving it to this. You are also learning how to differentiate between feelings, thoughts, and facts.

Feelings, valid. You can have feelings all day. It doesn't mean everyone else is to validate your feelings, but you can feel what you want to feel. Thoughts, no one said that they're accurate. Don't believe everything you think. But facts, facts are how you can start to call yourself out on that shit and start being like, wait a minute, I'm not seeing this how I should be seeing this.

And that's the challenge between it all. sitting in it. You grow so much through adversity. Let me ask you, when's the last time you grew through amazing things happening to you? You might have enjoyed them. But then think about all those really challenging times and you grew through it. And then you also start to get to that moment of, wow, I'm so much stronger than I thought I was. It helps with your self-confidence as well. Whoa, I overcame that. I did that. Oh, I guess it's not that bad. Anticipatory anxiety is so much worse than the actual thing. And I learned that with my dog. I learned so much from But when he passed away, I truly thought I was never going to be able to live again.

I was like, that was it. He was my life. He was my everything. And here the fuck I am on the other side. I miss him every second of every day. Not a day goes by, but I had to accept it. I'm even going to tear up now. I had to accept that he had to go and that my life needed to move on without him.

And that I am so much stronger getting through that because I faced my biggest fear. So just remember that. It's never as bad. Think about the, what's the worst case scenario? Okay, that person breaks up with me. Okay. If your life isn't worth living past that, that's where I really need you to fucking get a hold of your shit

and start finding some hobbies, finding some stuff that gives you purpose and fuels your life because you don't live for other people. You have to live for yourself. Guess what? At the end of the day, you better get real comfy being alone because you're going to die alone, ultimately. You can have a room full of people,

but you're still by yourself. You are the only thing consistent. You are never going to have somebody with you 24-7 besides yourself. So start getting real comfy with it. No one's saying that you have to say, I'm never going to date anybody. No, no, no, no. I'm just saying get comfortable being alone because anybody that comes into your life needs to be in addition to non-stead of and they need to be adding to your life.

If the cost of their entry into life is your piece, that is far too expensive and not worth it. So I think that covers the spiel on breakups. Again, nobody said it's easy. Nobody said it's going to be easy. Nobody said it's going to be fun. But what is? I can tell you right now on the other side of my journey. journey. When my ex and I broke up, I was suicidal, truthfully, candidly speaking. I sat in front of a bus

in the middle of Manhattan in the middle of the street. My mom had to pick me up and literally run me through because I wanted my life to end because I thought I had nothing left to live for. I had nobody. And then I started therapy. And I started challenging my thoughts. And I started going against all the shit that that person had gaslit me into thinking and thought. And I grew so much stronger from it. And I am so grateful for that relationship. because it brought me to where I am now. Without that, I don't know where I would be. I'd probably be still a shitty fucking version of myself, no self-awareness, treating other people, expecting them fill these gaps and voids within myself that only I could do. But instead, I took a grip on my own

fucking life and I took that breakup bull by the horns. And I said, enough is enough. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. It's time for me to put the goddamn work in. And I did. Why do you think I can give you the tough love and I can cut through the excuses and the bullshit? Because I did it. I'm not just a therapist that's saying, well, textbook says this. No, I'm implementing all that shit. And I'm here to share it with you. So I hope this helped. And I hope that you know if you're going through a breakup right now, you're not alone.

You've got me. So you're not alone. You can always turn to me. You've got friends. You've got family. You've got a community. There are people here for you. And I promise you, you will meet somebody else.

You will. So to recapitulate everything, thank you. Thank you for sitting with me today. Thank you for joining me on another episode of Do the Work podcast. And I can't wait. Next week, Masha, my dear friend is going to be joining me. She is a fucking expert on avoidance. She was one like I was anxious.

So we come at it from a really beautiful perspective. And we're going to talk about relationships and how that dynamic affects things. And I can't fucking wait. But until then, please join the Patreon. You can go to Patreon dash Sabrina Zohar. You can link in my bio. Please, please, please join it. It allows you to ask me questions and work one-on-one with me without having

to book a session. And it is so much more exhilarating for me to work with people that way because I actually have a platform I can do so with. And it's mutually beneficial for us both. So again, thank you so much for joining us this week on Do the Work podcast. And we'll see you again next week.