The Sabrina Zohar Show - 40: Breakups, no contact and building self esteem to date again.

Episode Date: October 20, 2023

On this weeks episode of The Sabrina Zohar Show, Sabrina goes over how to handle a breakup, how different attachment styles handle breakups, why no contact is so important after a breakup and how to rebuild your self esteem. Want to work with Sabrina? HERE! Stuck After the Podcast? Master Implementation in 8 Weeks with Sabrina's Foundation Course Join the Make It Make Sense: Getting Through a Breakup course HERE! Get Ad-free episodes and 2 Bonus episodes a month HERE! Dont forget to follow Sabrina and The Sabrina Zohar Show on instagram and Sabrina on Tik tok! Video now available on YOUTUBE!  Shop Softwear and get 20% off with code- DOTHEWORK HERE! Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formally known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A.Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to another episode of Do the Work Podcast. My name is Sabrina and I am your host. Guys, happy Friday. I'm a little under the weather this week. I don't know if you hear the sniffles or the cough, so please don't mind me, but you know I couldn't miss an episode with you guys. But there's just a lot going on in the world and I don't give a fuck what side you're on as always. I'm not trying to prove a point here, but what I am going to say is please look at the facts and please, please do your homework and educate yourself because I have literally made myself. sick looking at the internet and I have taken a tire. That's why some of you guys have not really

seeing me on social media. I have my very part-time assistant posting and just doing things for me because sometimes we all need to take a break from all the bullshit other people are going through and really just focus on ourselves and focus on the facts at hand. So this week, a very, very highly requested episode that we want a part de of was breakups, no contact and building self-esteem to date again. So I've got all of my stuff. thoughts for you, babes, and I am just so excited. As always, thank you guys for everything. Please, please, please, if you haven't already, please leave a five-star review on any platform for me. It is the only way I can climb the ranks. It is the only way I can get the show out.

It's the only way I can get more people, guests, and sponsors. Please don't forget to give some love to the people that sponsor the show. The products are all amazing. I use them all otherwise I would never talk about them. And again, that is how I can keep the show free for you guys and hopefully do more episodes because I'd like next year to do two a week. But mama's got to grow a little bit. As always as well, guys, anything you need is going to be in the show notes. So any of our sponsors, all of their information will be there if you want to work with me one-on-one, ask me a question, tech I and are doing dating up audits, open is still giving a free month

of meditation. Everything will be in the link in the show note. So you know you can always come find me. So without further ado, let's get right on into it. Right, guys, we're back for another week. I'm so excited to be here. Guys, when I say that you're my safe space, I'm not kidding when I say that. Like, there's just been so much going on, so much happening.

I have not made any public statements because I don't see the point. I'm a dating coach. As we all know, I don't include my race, my religion, or my ethnicity into things. All I ask right now is that we just love each other. And please, please show support. Stop giving into this hate. And let's just try to fucking get through this, shall we? So for this week, we are talking about something that you guys actually have requested

this more than I thought you were going to. And that is breakups, no contact and building self-esteem to date again. Now, everyone here has gone through a breakup, right? We've all, to some extent, whether it's like a major breakup, whether it's somebody that's like shattered your heart or whether it was somebody that you only dated for a little bit, we've all experienced it. And I think the number one question that we get so that I get so often is like, how do we get over a breakup? How do I get over a breakup? How do we get over a breakup? And it's like, I don't think a lot of people like my response typically. And the candid and honest truth I'm going to have is if you really want to move on from somebody after a breakup, I need you to accept the breakup. Now, it might sound easy. You might be like

Zohar. What do you mean? Of course I've accepted the breakup. No, baby. Not all of you have. I deal with people every single day. I work with people one-on-one. And I actually do get a lot of questions that people ask. And it's just this denial of acceptance of who the other person is for who they are, not for who you want them to be. Because if you're stuck, like I had somebody written in on TikTok, I've been stuck on this person for 16 months. They're perfect. They're amazing. Blah, blah, blah. And it's like, no, that's called denial. Because if you're stuck on someone for 16 months, we're talking almost two fucking years of your life with someone that has moved on with their life. Somebody that is on to greener pastures is probably dating somebody else.

If you are still stuck up on somebody for that long, then what that shows to me is that you're not being authentic or real about the situation, how it ended. what happened and who they are as a person. Because if this person were so amazing and so perfect and so all of these things, oh, wait, you guys would still be together. So there's already something here. And what we also have to understand is like a lot of people look at after a breakup, oh, somebody can just move on quickly, blah, blah. We got to remember a few things here.

If you are the one being broken up with, yeah, it can come as a surprise sometimes, especially if like you thought things were going well and maybe they weren't at the other. But the person that's breaking up with you has thought about this, has processed this, has gone through this. They are weeks, if not months ahead. That's why oftentimes when someone breaks up with us, it can seem so cold and callous when at the end of the day, it's really just that they've had the time to process through this before we have. So they're just at a different level than where we are. And I think, no matter where you are in your journey right now, if you're hung up on someone, I need you to do a few things for me. I need you to take your head out of

this. I need you to stop using words like, they're my soulmate, or they're the one for me, or they're perfect or there's no one else like them because you know what you're doing, you are just reaffirming to your nervous system that you are only safe if you have this person. When we know the two of us right now, chitting and chat, and know, that's not the reality. You don't actually know who the fuck this person really was. Even if you dated someone for 10 years and they broke it off, sometimes we could be like, wow, I thought I knew you differently than I did. So at the end of the day, I don't want you to villainize somebody for speaking up their truth

and ending it with you unless they cheat. Listen, if there's abuse or cheating or things like that, And of course, that's a totally different conversation. But if it's just we dated for a few months and this person broke it off or they weren't feeling it, especially those early stages of dating, not talking like the serious relationship stuff, if you're struggling to get over somebody that is so early on, that was such an early kind of dating experience, then what it shows me is you're idealizing them and you're putting them on a pedestal and you're putting it as perfect and that there is everything wrong with you. And you're taking full ownership of the breakup must be my fault and what did I do and I have to take ownership. and that's what keeps us stuck. Because if you're not willing to hold people accountable for what their actions are, which I'm trying to share this to people in the world right now for a lot of things,

hold accountable the people that need to be held accountable. So if you didn't do anything here or if you were just merely being you and that other person was being disingenuous or was a liar, then stop saying how fucking perfect they were. Stop taking account, stop trying to own their shit because you're trying to control this as if everything's your problem. because what does that do? That will reaffirm your core belief that the problem is you,

as opposed to having to say, wait a minute, what was my part in this? Why did I allow this? What comes up for me? What does this say about me in conjunction with them? So I think somebody had asked one of the questions, what's the first thing I should do after a breakup? And the reality is it's like it's a very nuanced question to ask. There are a lot of people are going to have a lot of different ideologies and things that

you should do after a breakup. for me personally, what I would suggest is to surround yourself with people that love you authentically for who you are. After every breakup, I was surrounding myself with my friends and my family because I wanted to feel loved and included, not alienated and alone. So because one person, one person didn't want to be with me. I don't even like everybody. What makes me think everyone's that I'm going to like everybody? So one person doesn't want to be with me. Okay. And you know what? Here's a story I'm going to share with you. So when I was right before I met tech guy, I was this one gentleman, wildly avoidance, as I explained to some of you guys. And I remember the,

we were supposed to, ironically, we were supposed to come to San Diego together. I would never have met tech guy if that had happened. And two or three days before, like my mom was in town. We were going to drive down. I even had like, we were supposed to go to his mom and my parents and the whole thing or like my family. And we, he was having erectile dysfunction issues. And it had been a month since we had had sex properly. And I finally was like, listen, we need to talk about this. Like, I'm here. I'm your partner. I want to support you. But like, I can't pretend like I'm not getting my needs met, you know, like, you're not fucking me. And he in the moment was like, yeah, okay, we'll figure this out. Then he comes out of the bathroom and says, you know what I think it is?

I think it's because I'm not attracted to you anymore. And I was like, I'm sorry. What? And he's like, no, no, no, don't get me wrong. You're beautiful. But I'm just not feeling the same spark with you. And I was like, wait a minute. How long have you been thinking this? And he's like, I don't know, I just thought about it in the bathroom. If I can't get hard. it must be because I don't find you pretty. And I was like, this guy is a fucking imbecile. And I was like, we talked about it. And I was like, and he's like, no, I mean, you are beautiful. Like I am attracted to you. I was like, okay, so it's not my looks. And then I said, okay, well, what else could be? And he said, you know what it could be? I don't know that I like your personality anymore. And I'm sitting here and I was

like, is this a joke? Am I being punked? I was like, are you fucking kidding me? And I got up. And he's like, well, where are you going? And I said, oh, no, no, no, we're done here. I was like, I am absolutely done. I got in my car. I cried for. for a minute. I called my mom and I said, fuck him. I'm on my way. And when we came home and I said, all right, we're going on this trip alone. Met tech guy four days later. But nonetheless, my point here being was after the breakup, when that all happened, I could have attacked myself and said, but he doesn't see my value and he doesn't find me attractive. But instead, I said, that sounds like a personal issue. That sounds like a him thing because you know what? I met a man a few days later who

couldn't keep his hands off me, who found me the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen, who found me to be the most funny girl he's ever since, to end up being my partner now that I have, that I'm in love with. Soccer fans, your chance to witness history is here. You can win tickets to the FIFA World Cup 2026 final thanks to Visa.

All it takes is a BMO Visa credit card to enter. Sign up and enter at BMO.com slash contest. Contest rules apply. So just because one person may not quote unquote see your worth, which I still don't even understand that. This is ridiculous to me. Someone not,

if you don't feel like you're worthy enough, that is nothing to do with dating. Because I've never heard someone go, I don't know, I don't think they're worthy of me. It's like, ooh, fucking talks like this. But if you are, if you've dated somebody and they end it with you, it's okay. That just because they don't see you in the light that you see you doesn't mean other people won't see you. And that's where we get the scarcity mindset of like, I'm going to be alone forever. It's like, listen, baby, if you put your brain to do that, then your brain's going to keep believing that and reaffirming that. So I just had to give that little story because that's what I did.

I was around my friends and family. I surrounded myself. And then I said, you know what? I'm going to get back into dating. This was only a two-month or thing. If I had had somebody, like when my ex and I had broken up, I was single for like six months, not fucking anybody, nothing because I needed that time alone. But more just in the dating realm.

I was still surrounded with my friends. Someone else had actually asked, what's the worst dating breakup by advice that was ever given? And I was like, oh, to fuck someone immediately after. There is nothing stupid or you could do than when you are heartbroken, then go fuck someone else. And it's not, don't give me this like, oh, get over someone by getting under someone. Like, yes, in time, go sleep with somebody new and explore different people. But not the same night or the next night or just going out there to prove a point or to say, fuck you to the person.

It's only going to hurt you and then probably help you more calloused where you didn't even really process what was going on. So if you're going through a breakup right now, here's something that is going to be pretty contrary to what other people say. You know how everybody says, get over it, move on. Come on. Beb, blah, blah, blah. I'm going to tell you the opposite. I'm going to tell you, I want you to feel every single thing that's coming up for you. I want you to sit in your body. Where is it in your body? Where do you feel it? What does it look like? What's the color? What's the shape? I want you to get so comfortable with this feeling because then that way it doesn't scare you anymore. Because I think so often we're so terrified of like, I'm going to feel all of these things and we're so nervous. But yet, then we feel it and we're like, this is it? Oh, I thought it was going to be way worse. I thought. I was going to feel so much worse. It was the same one I remember thinking, oh, I'm going to see my ex on the apps for the first time. I'll never forget.

I walked down the street and I saw him with his new girlfriend. When I saw him on the apps, I didn't feel anything. And I was like, okay, good. When I saw him with his new girlfriend, I remember feeling this rush of adrenaline. I had Duolipa playing in my thing of don't show up, don't show up, don't turn out. The ones I forget, you know, the big song she had that summer. And I remember whipping around, walking my little runway strut in New York across from him, turning around and seeing the girl and going, oh, you went for a thrift store version of me.

And I was like, good luck. And he's been through eight girlfriends since. Because he's fucking miserable human being. But I thought I was so scared that when I finally faced the feeling, sat in the feeling and allowed it, I was like, oh, oh, this isn't that scary. Then the next thing I did was I started to challenge the thoughts I had about him. Every time I would do, but I'm going to miss him so much and I love him and he's so perfect. Was he, though? Was he really that perfect?

Was he really that supportive of me? or was that me who created the love in this relationship? Was that me who created the safe space in this relationship? Was that me who brought all of this beauty to our relationship? Because now I'm going to start holding the right accountable. Because at the end of the day, a lot of people have asked about closure. You do not need an apology from somebody to validate your experience. You do not need the person to hurt you to be the person to heal you.

Because if somebody, what? So if I hurt you and I don't say sorry, so that means that I discredit and invalidate your experience? No, that just means that I am not the person to validate that experience. You validate your own feelings and accept that some people won't do that for you. And it's super fucking important to start assessing and addressing and understanding that. So one thing I actually was looking into was how the different attachment styles handle breakups because we hear this all the time. So typically speaking, somebody with a more secure attachment usually handle. the breakup in a balanced way. So they'll understand that their emotions and the practicalities of the

situation. So they'll know, like, listen, I'm sad. It's a bummer. But like, man, this guy just wasn't for me or this girl wasn't for me. Like, it's okay. I can mourn it. I can feel it. I'll move on and I'll be okay. It doesn't define me. Those with an anxious attachment, though, they're constantly seeking reassurance. They feel a heightened sense of loss or obsess over the relationships ending. And let's think about it because for our anxious babies, it's, I'm being abandoned. I'm being left. Yet another person that doesn't want me, it hits the core wounds. That again, this is where I keep going. That is shit you learned from early behavior, not from this person. Because there are plenty of people when you love yourself and not just love yourself by giving you a bubble bath and staring in the mirror and saying

you're a badass bit. When you've accepted yourself, like when I've done the inner work on myself and I go back and I'm like, she's a big personality, you bet your ass she is. I accept that about myself. I know I'm quirky. I know I'm strange. I know I have a weird fashion. I know that my brain works in different ways. But I've accepted myself because I really love myself. So I'm no longer looking for everyone to validate that about me. I am authentically me and the people that like me for that, they're going to come on in. So if you're super anxious and all you're doing is trying to obsess over it and hyperfocus and figure out all the things that you did wrong, it's like what's happening is you're trying to have control over the situation and reaffirm those core beliefs that you did that it's all you.

And sometimes, yeah, of course, take ownership of like, what did you allow? If this person, like my client earlier, she was saying, I knew that this person was unavailable the whole time. And it's like your gut knows. So stop ignoring your gut. That doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you. But there's no reason to attack yourself or bring yourself down or start berating yourself. Like, that's just shit that we just can't accept anymore. Whereas the avoidant person, they suppress their feelings and they detach quickly.

So they see the end as a way to regain their independence. that's the biggest difference. That's why people will say, well, my avoidant just moved on quickly. It's like, no, no, no, no. They didn't want to feel. They don't have the bandwidth to process these emotions. They were never taught how to process these emotions. So to them, it's just, all right, just get rid of it.

Suppress it. Drugs, alcohol, sex, moving on to somebody next. Nope, nope, it's everybody else. It's not me. And a fearful avoidant might oscillate between closeness and pushing people away, do so more is that dismissive. They might want the love and then they get scared so they remove themselves.

And that's why they can spend. a lot of time alone, but also then spend a lot of time with friends. And so it's really important, really important to understand how attachment styles play in to the way that we handle a breakup. Because if you look at your avoidant X and say, but they moved on immediately, it's like, you know what, listen, if they're the one that broke up with you, they've been processing this well before they told you about it. And a lot of the times they just don't process. They just move on to somebody else. And then this compounds and maybe years down the road, they're like, fuck me, I felt it.

So let's get into the fun topic of no contact and why no contact is so fucking important after a breakup. Let's preface. If you have children, if you have an animal obviously that you share, you have assets, a business, things like that. Obviously, no contact is going to need boundaries versus no contact whatsoever. But my little baby's out there, don't give me this fucking bullshit that we're going to remain friends because what's going to happen is you're hoping for more. Don't bullshit me. You're not friends. Unless both of you came to the agreement of like,

you know, I think we'd be better off as friends. Me too. I think so too. Yeah, let's be friends. Sure. But if one of both of you doesn't feel that, then stop trying to pretend that and do things for other people so that you can hold on to this false hope

that they're going to pick you back one day or they're going to wake up and realize how amazing you are. No contact. What it does is it allows our brain to form new pathways and detach from old ones. It acts as a detox because when in or in a relationship, especially something that's intense, we actually create neural pathways associated with our partner. That's de brain. That's its job. So by going no contact, we're forming new pathways and

detaching. It helps us prevent from emotional backsliding. And it also helps us so that we can see the relationship more objectively. If you had, think about it, you're trying to mourn the death of somebody and their body is hanging in your house. You can't mourn the death because every time you try, they're right there. Jeff versus Taco Truck Salsa, whether it's Verde, Roja, or the orange one. For Jeff, trying any salsa is like playing Russian roulette with a flamethrower.

Luckily, Jeff saved with Amazon and stocked up on antacids, ginger tea, and milk. Habaniero? More like habanier, yes. Save the everyday with Amazon. So instead, I get this all the time, But my ex reached out to me. Why the fuck are you answering? You don't owe them anything.

They don't owe you anything. You both have agreed. If somebody breaks no contact, that's breaking a boundary. Yeah. It's true. Because I'm a big no contact kind of girl. I'm a big no contact kind of girl. I think there is no reason for us to talk.

It's not immediately after. You don't need to check up on me. We're no longer together. And I think oftentimes that's what a lot of people can't let go of at the end of a breakup is like, I just, I miss the person that I had. It's like we have to remember, you're mourning a few things. You're not just mourning the relationship you had. You're mourning the relationship you thought you were going to have.

You're mourning that person that was texting you every day and calling you all the time. Hence why I always say stop with that bullshit early on because if it ends, it's going to feel even worse. But you're mourning the person you thought they were. You're mourning the person you were with them. There is so much grief happening that we have to just accept it. That's why no contact allows you to see it clearly. Then you can start to say, who is this person for who they are? got to be realistic about that.

And now we want to talk a little bit. I'm bouncing all over, but don't worry, babies. It'll all make sense. You're going to learn. Now I want to talk about attachment-based strategies to improve yourself, esteem post-breakup. So understanding our attachment style will also help us. So like an anxious and attacher can benefit from practicing self-soothing,

self-regulate that nervous system, my babies, journaling their feelings, mindfulness practice, meditations, doing things. You know what I love? tapping. Tapping was huge for me because tapping hits on the, what is it, the like the points in your body that are relaxing and yada yada. And so while you're going over, like I remember after my, my narcissistic ex ended, I did tapping a lot because I was like, I'm such a piece of shit. There's something wrong with me. I'm so fucking stupid. And then as I kept going, I was like, no, I'm not. No, I'm not. I'm, I didn't do anything wrong. You start to unwind.

So an avoidant attacher might want to focus. on building deeper connections with friends or therapy to understand their detachment patterns. Fearful avoidant, recognize triggers, understanding their push-pull tendencies. So fearful or the dismissive, whatever you want to look at this. I think at the end of the day, though, no matter what, it's like we have to process this effectively and not just try to say get over it or move on or any of that bullshit. Like, it's just not possible. And somebody who's more secure, they're grounded in trust. That's the difference. So like, you want to know when you're ready to date again?

It's like someone secure, they're grounded in trust in themselves and others. So they have an inherent belief that they are worthy in love for love and can discern red flags and potential partners because they trust themselves and their gut. This isn't just about the post breakup and the emotional and mental preparedness. This is somebody who could have a new relationship without carrying excess baggage from the past. I never held against Hekkeye what the last guys did to me because I moved through it all. I processed it. And you can absolutely go from an insecure attachment tile to an attachment style. We all know this.

That's what this entire podcast is about is how to heal through this so that you can get to that more secure space. And no contact allows individuals a period of reflection. It gives you the space to assess the relationship without interference without the person coming back in. It illuminates the patterns that may have gone unnoticed and it gives you some clarity to work through to get towards a secure attachment. You can, listen, you could go the varying degrees. You could do no contact where you mute them and you're like, listen, there's no hard feelings here. I just don't want to see their shit. You could like all around block them if you want. Like whatever feels like it's in alignment with you. Like there's no, there's no reason to continue to engage. And when you're rebuilding your self-esteem, I want you to do things that reiterate self-worth. New hobbies. Setting and achieving small goals is one of my favorite things to do when you're trying to build your self-esteem.

So let's say it's, I'm going to read 10 pages of my book every night and I'm going to commit to that for 40 days. 50 days, I don't care. Give yourself a goal. Something that you make for yourself. I'm going to do yoga for 10 minutes every day. I'm going to go on one new walk. I'm going to do find things that fuel you. Get back to yourself.

It's super empowering when you can make a promise to yourself and stick to it. Be with people that are supportive and loving and want to be there to support. And that's why self-care is so important. And that's why meditation and mindfulness is so important. That's why I constantly tell you guys to get open, get a free fucking month. Like, try it. Try breathwork. Try meditation.

Try yoga. Yeah. Is it going to suck the first time? Yeah. You might be like, I don't like it. I can't sit still. Fucking challenge yourself. Cut the excuses.

Start doing something different. If it hasn't been working, let's come on. And something interesting, actually, I was looking up the biological perspective on breakups because I'm all about the science behind it. So during a breakup. oxytocin and vasopressin are neurotransmitters that are involved in bonding and attachment. So they fluctuate after a breakup, which can cause feelings of loneliness and detachment because you're not having them consistently. And same with an MRI actually has shown that a recent breakup individuals, when they show photos of their exes, it activates the reasons regions associated with physical pain.

That's why it could literally feel like you are feeling that pain all over again because the same. part of the brain is acting. And you know what I actually love? Somebody, I've been seeing this on TikTok and I was just asked to be part of a thing for it in the know is a no, they call it a no contact journal. And I'm like, just fucking journal. My mama has been saying this to me for years. And what I would always do was after a breakup or after I was ending it with somebody,

I would text my friends, hey, here's what I want to say to them. Or I'd put it in my notes, my notepad, I'd journal it out. Like, I'd write them all the letters. I'd mail it to myself. I'd burn it in the backyard. Whatever was cathartic. but it just allowed me to get it out of my head and onto paper. So I wasn't ruminating in these thoughts anymore and I wasn't living in this space of like

misery. I was able to get it out. Record a video and delete it after. I don't care. Whatever you need to do, do that for you. While you're exploring all these things, you know, you're looking into new ways of living. It's going to be super, super, super important that when you get so that when you get back into dating, you're back into dating after having processed, understanding your,

triggers, your emotions, understanding patterns, all of that. So let's get to some insta questions I had heard. So when is it okay to break up via text versus IRL? I think if you're four dates are under, four to five dates are under, more than okay to do it via text. Let's be realistic. Why would I want to go to coffee or dinner with you for you to break up with me? I had that two guys in a row, not in a row, exactly, our fourth date. And they broke up with me there. And I was like, so now what do we do? We're in the sauna. We have to like get out. And we're, we were like making out. And then they realize, and I was like, what are we going to do with this? Now it's uncomfortable and I leave going home crying. It's like, I'd rather you just text me or a phone call. You know,

IRL like, listen, if you want to do it, IRL, sure, but like, I think a phone call is more than a not. That's my personal thing. So somebody said an abrupt breakup with no closure, how to move on. So here's a thing. It's abrupt to you. But that might just be because you weren't really maybe seeing some signs. It wasn't abrupt to them. They might have been feeling this. Very rarely, though, when we start to really peel back the layers of like how abrupt, listen, if they ghost you, that's one thing. But even then, even if somebody ghost you and it's abrupt with no closure, there was still behavior that they probably exhibited earlier on that you might just not even realize that show that they would have ghosted or maybe they're more avoided. So I think again,

it's accepting it, processing it, not blaming yourself. There's nothing you could have done. You cannot control other people. And somebody wrote, but they're the one. No, what you're doing is you're living in Dululu land. Maybe they're not the one. They're fucking somebody else, all right? Drop this fairy tale the one shit. There are almost eight billion people in the world, if not more now at this point. You think there's one human being for you on this entire planet. You're not going to find other people that you can connect with.

Now we're just being, now we're just being silly. So, someone asks about closure. Closure is not real. Like I said, the person that hurt you isn't the person that heals. You give yourself the closure. And it's not about just going, oh, I just need time. I just need time. It's like, no, no, no, no.

what are you doing with that time? It's not that you just need time. What you do with that time is equally as important to break up. Are you processing it? Or you're just mulling it over and living in this land if I can't get over them? Because like Britt said on last week's episode, when you're stuck, it's because you're not making a decision. And a lot of people are like, oh, no, you don't like your options. What are your options? I can move on from this and accept them for who they are. I don't want to do that. Okay, well, then sorry, I can't handle it. So then fine, keep lamenting. But no, You don't need somebody to come and validate your experience and give you closure. Honestly, more often than not, it'll give you more questions than answers.

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Absolutely not, and let's remind yourself why. You're not going back to somebody. It didn't work. You're starting anew. So if you're going to start a new, that means what's changed? What's happening? Why would I go back to somebody and it didn't work? How much has really changed?

And then are we still the same people that loved each other or cared about each other if now we've healed all of those things. It's one thing if like you broke up because of proximity or timing and then, you know, a few years later, you're like, hey, we should give this a try. We now lived in the same place. Sure. But no. No. And so I actually wanted to talk a little bit about there's a difference between external and internal closure. So people seek closure from external sources. Wow, can I talk? External sources. So they want their ex-partner. the reason I need to know why, because the brain literally wants to put a piece together and can't fathom why because that's our brain's job. Sometimes, though, those external people don't provide

us the answers. That's why I'm saying the internal introspection, acceptance, therapy, personal growth. That's the closure. Do you think for a second that my shitty narcissistic ex has ever even, I've never spoken to him again? Oh, yeah. You think I got the closure from that? You know what I got the closure from, knowing my truth, knowing what I know and being able to say, fuck this. Because the idea that anyone can achieve complete closure is like free from never having lingering thoughts or emotions. It's just unrealistic because it's normal for memories to resurface and feelings to resurface. Like what's important is how you process them. So how do you stay no contact? Babes, how do you not eat garbage all day? How do you not take drugs all the time? You have

fucking self-will, right? So start practicing that. Be an adult. If you need to get an app where it blocks their number, delete their number, have all of your friends be like, don't ever give me in their number, no matter how I try, block them on everything. You need to practice self-control. Because at the end of the day, you got to start thinking of future you, babes. What is future you going to feel? You're going to be like a fucking idiot when you reach out and they're like, hey, yeah, I'm still good. I don't care about you like that. So it's super important. And I want you, so you, you, so, you. You're going to be a fucking Here are some other tools. Understand your reasons.

So reflect on why you chose no contact. So was it you want to heal emotional? You want to break the toxic patterns. You want it to gain clarity. You want to ensure personal growth. Like keep these at the forefront on a fucking list. I don't care if you put it on a post it on your wall. What were your reasons for no contact?

Delete and block all numbers. Limit social media interactions. You can mute them. You can block them, baby. You don't know them anything. And same with their friends. I mute people all the time, not because I don't like them, but because it fucks with my mental health. Talk to people.

Seek support. Go to counseling, a coach, therapist, a trusted friend. Like, that way, when you talk to them, they can remind you, hey, no, we're staying strong, remember? Stay busy. Keep yourself full. Keep yourself busy so that you're not sitting at home just constantly like, I'm missing out. We don't need you to ruminate in your own bowl. journal. Journaling is a great thing to do. That's why I said, get it off out of your head and onto paper.

Also make sure that you avoid commonplaces. You know, like I always used to know, my ex went to my gym. I didn't need to go to that gym. I changed the times I went to the gym. I don't need to see him. You don't need to fucking add salt to the wound so you can watch yourself hurt. Don't forget to to set boundaries with mutual friends. So that way, they know, don't share any information that has to do with it. I don't want to be triggered. Please don't show me any photos. Don't ask me any questions. about them, that's it. I don't want that. Set that boundary. And constantly remind yourself of your why. What remind yourself how unhappy you were, how shitty you were treated, how they weren't able to step up, how you felt like you weren't seen her and her understood. Start remembering

those things so that when you get tempted to reach out to them, you're like, oh, wait a minute, I know better than that. And the last thing I really wanted to go over was a couple of things, tending your inner child after a breakup. Because that's going to be huge. After a breakup, or he, they need you more than anything because they're going to feel so scared and abandoned that you broke up and they're going, oh my God, oh my God, they're going to abandon me too. So I want you to acknowledge your feelings. Get really, really normalized. I want you to normalize validating your experience.

So if it's, I'm sad. Okay, I'm sad. That's how I was able to move on from a guy when I first started dating tech guy, another dude that I had been dating at the same time as him. I really liked him, but I had to just say, okay, I like him, but he's not ready for a relationship. and I just acknowledge that. And any time I would think about him,

instead of swatting him out of my mind, and go, yeah, he was attractive. He was cool, but he didn't have what I needed. It's okay. Your feelings are valid, but it doesn't mean they're facts. It's okay to validate them. Start talking and self-care. Start, or self-care, Jesus Christ, self-talk.

Speak to that little you. I am always going to be here for you. I love you. Like Britt said, make it an internal dialogue. What does she need for me? How can I support her? What does she need?

I am always here for you. I love you and I always choose you. Go back to doing some other activities. Do shit that you'd stop doing when you broke up with this schmo. We all have that. Any single person has shit they did before the relationship. Get back to that. I don't care if it's like coloring, playing games,

watching a favorite movie. Do something that evokes comfort within you. The next thing I want you to do is I want you to visualize that younger you and even if you just embrace her or him, offer words of comfort, or just sit with them. Start working on visualization. Write them a letter. It's always one of my favorite things is writing little me a letter, letting her know I'm never going to leave her. Creating a safe space for her so that I had a space for her to go.

When she felt anxious, I would go. I'd close my eyes and say, you're coming with me. We're not there anymore. And don't forget to set boundaries. Reflect on the relationship and establish boundaries to protect that inner you moving forward. because this also has to do with this self-esteem. Allow yourself to grieve. Allow it.

Stop listening to people. Get over it. Fuck off. I'm going to allow myself to process this and grieve it. Obviously not forever. Limit your contact with your ex to no contact. Thank you. And practice some self-compassion.

You need to speak to yourself a lot more kindly than you are. You didn't fuck up everything and you're not another da-da-da-da-da. Come on. It's enough. Stop beating yourself down. Stop gaslighting yourself. Stop creating these narratives of how terrible of a person you are.

You're not. You did the best you could with the information that you knew, so give yourself some fucking love. And avoid the comparison trap. Please avoid the comparison trap. Stop going on your ex's profile and looking at the new girls

and trying to find issues. Stay in your own fucking lane. Again, you have the self-control, right? You don't go out and do drugs and fuck up everything. everything and start not showing up to your job. You're an adult. Let's start acting like it.

It's okay to hurt, but be there for that little inner you. And start fucking seeing shit as it is, not for as you want it to be to blame yourself. So I hope that was help for you guys. I hope that that was able to provide some tough love and some support and some guidance and ways that you can just really reconnect with yourself and work on those things and give yourself some time and some grace. You did the best you could with the information you knew. You're not God, okay?

So you can't have known all of this, but you're doing an amazing job. And I want you to allow that and process that and feel it. And so as always, you know I'm always here for you, and I always have a safe space for you. So if you need anything, you know, reach out to me if you need me. But I love you guys. And I trust you're going to be okay.

And you can listen to this episode anytime you need that reminder.