The Sabrina Zohar Show - 45: From Fboy to securely attached, debunking ‘if he wanted to he would,' ‘ sleeping with them will ruin things’ and more with Eli Vazquez!

Episode Date: November 17, 2023

On this weeks episode of The Sabrina Zohar Show, Sabrina is joined by Eli Vazquez to chat about how Eli went from a F-boy to securely attached, debunking myths like 'if he wanted to he would', when to sleep together with someone, fear of commitment, breakups not being personal and SO much more!! Want to work with Sabrina? HERE! Stuck After the Podcast? Master Implementation in 8 Weeks with Sabrina's Foundation Course Join the Make It Make Sense: Getting Through a Breakup course HERE! Get Ad-free episodes and 2 Bonus episodes a month HERE! Dont forget to follow Sabrina and The Sabrina Zohar Show on instagram and Sabrina on Tik tok! Video now available on YOUTUBE!  Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formally known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A.Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Please support our sponsors! Want to shop Softwear? Get 20% off your first order with code- DOTHEWORK  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. Here we are for another amazing episode. I know you guys got that bonus episode this week and I'd love to hear if you guys enjoyed it because I'm hoping in 2024 to give you so many more. So super excited. Thank you guys for everything. Thank you for everyone who has rated the show. If you haven't already, please leave a five-star review or rate it on Spotify, Apple, Amazon,

wherever you're listening to this, takes you about 10 seconds, just press the three buttons, leave a five star, and that's it. And that's all I'm asking for. And don't forget to follow along, do the work podcast on Instagram so that you can be part of the questions that we ask on the podcast, which included questions I asked today. Because on today, as episode, we have the amazing Eli Vasquez. He is fucking awesome. He's a dating coach, and he's just a badass. He was somebody that went from like super avoidant, fuck boy, emotionally unavailable to secure attached. And today, I dove in. I debunked myths. Like, if he wanted to, he would. Sleeping together will ruin things quick. Is, you know, somebody being busy versus disinterested. Can you ever

change a man's mind? Like, we talk about all the question you babes write in about. And I wanted to get you a male perspective. So I'm so excited. I'm so amped for you guys to hear this episode. As always, if you ever need me, link in show notes is where you can find. You can ask me a question for the next time being you can book a one-one. That's not going to stay around forever. but for now it will or dating app audits, whatever it is that you guys need, link in show notes, and same with Eli in case you want to work with him.

So let's get right on into it. And I'm just so amped for this episode, and I hope you guys love it as much as I do. Hi, Eli. Hi, Sabrina. I'm so excited to have you on. I am so stoked because I, first off, when I first found you,

instantly fell in love with how candid you are and how honest you are and how real you are about things that you've been through, all that shit. But I think what I'd love, as we fucking just dive right on in, is can you tell our audience who doesn't know about you, which the one thing I love is the people that I asked, I got so many messages of like, I love them.

I was like, yeah. Ah, yes. So can you just give us a little understanding of your background, how the fuck you got to where you are and where you were to where you are now? Oh, first off, Sabrina, thank you for having me. I literally manifested this moment because I was such a huge fan of Sabrina. know, she was in these streets, telling it like it is, giving me motivation to tell it like it is. And I was like, I need her on my show.

So you're on my show and I'm on your show and now we're besties. It's amazing. So, yes, I always start with this. It's, you know, what really motivated me was my distractions were like, like the pain of my distractions were outweighing the distraction itself. Like I needed to make a change. So like, I'll start with like, I'm from Southside Chicago, oldest of 10 siblings. I grew up in the hood. know nothing about mental health or proper, you know, thinking for your therapy or feelings

or all that. So I'm in the personal development space. I am a personal development coach. I do focus on love dating, but how to be your best damn self and how the dysfunction of dating is usually a symptom of yourself. So when I first started growing up, I didn't know about any of this stuff. I grew up with everything not to do when it comes to men and it comes to dating and it comes to relationships. I'm the, I'm the, I'm the, my parents were teenagers. They were 17 years old and they had me. So it was a hot-ass mess that I grew up with watching. So that kind of led into me in my early adulthood and me kind of struggling with mental health and me struggling with my own personal wellness. And in turn, I was being ratchet and dating.

I wasn't loving myself. I was seeking external validation. And finally, I hit a wall where, like, not only that, I was bogged down and dead. I didn't love myself. I felt like a failure. I was in a job that I didn't appreciate. I was in a living situation that was awful. I drank every day.

It was awful. So I finally hit that low point where I know I needed to make a change. I suffered from a panic attack. I dropped to the ground in that bathroom floor, and that's what changed everything. And I slowly had to learn these things. And so I started documenting my mental health journey because I was an influencer at BuzzFeed at the time.

I'm an internet dinosaur, by the way. So if you go on BuzzFeed, Eli, you'll see me eat weird shit or like go work out in a prison or learn cheerleading or stuff like that. Yeah, so many things I've done. But I was like, everyone was like, what's your thing? Because I wasn't posting. And I was like, I'm in love with this stuff. I'm in love with this mental health journey.

I'm in love with all of it. And someone said, yo, there's not a lot of people that look like you that's in this space. What are you going to do about it? So I was like, well, this is what I love. I'm going to go all in. And someone said, a friend of mine said, you should call this self-hype because it's different. It's this. It's in your face.

It's Southside Chicago. It's all that. So I started my coaching program in 2019, not really knowing what it was, just like the no BS approach or just just what worked for me. and then I joined TikTok. And then I posted one freaking video of why guys don't like you because I had tons of women. I have a lot of female friends and I give him a lot of advice. So, and they were all like, does he like me?

Does he like me? And I finally like rants it on TikTok. This is why he don't like you enough. And it blew up 1.5 million overnight. And I just started responding to people. And I was seeing there is a lot of lack of self love and self worth and insecurity and giving men all this power. So I tell people, I'll tell you why. I ghosted. I'll tell you why he cheated. But if you don't know why you enable that behavior to

begin with, you are meant to be with someone like him. So ever since, I just been posting content and everything else, doing my coaching and focusing on healing and personal wellness in this space. So it's been pretty sweet. I fucking love that. We have a very similar experience of like, all right, we went through our own journey. And I know that for me, it's like, you know, listen, there are some people that'll try to cry and say like, well, you don't, it's like, that's fine. but I don't need to go to a trauma specialist just because they experienced trauma, right? It's like they can help in different ways.

But sometimes when it comes to dating, especially like I knew for me, I don't know about you, as my being anxious, which that's going to be my next question. I'm like, you know, but with my anxious attachment style personally, I always felt I was alone.

You know, I thought I was fucking insane. I thought I was crazy because like, you know, I would tell my friend stuff and all they would ever do is like, I have to remember too. Now in hindsight, when I think about certain friends that I asked advice,

especially guys, they were coming from, someone super avoidant. So of course, they were going, whoa, dude, all right, yo, you need to chill. This is too much, blah, blah, blah. But never did anybody stop and say, hey man, you know, this isn't, it's not just you, right? Like, you're not a snowflake. It's not just the only experience.

So I really love that you and I are coming from a personal experience, but also understanding psychology and things like that. So I'm fucking am. Now, my question to you, I have so many, but let's start. Where did you, I know you were saying you were a hot mess, you were fucking ruining those streets. Where did you fall? you fall, dismiss it or disorganized, anxious, avoidant? What were you feeling most often when you were dating?

Yeah. So I, it's funny because I was so focused on personal development during that era of me making that shift where I was learning love languages and I was, you know, diving into that. But I didn't really dive into attachment styles. And that was something I found out later while I was in a relationship. And she was like, we should do this. I was like, great. Yeah, let's do it.

I'm always open to this type of stuff. And she's like, well, I'm anxious, secure. And I was like, oh, that's great. That makes sense. You got it together. And I did mine. I'm like, oh, I'm disorganized, which is like the worst one, which is like, it's anxious and avoidant, which makes so much sense.

But I would say I'm more avoidant than anxious. So I just like shut down. I need to run away to feel safe. And here's another thing, too, when it comes to attachment styles, because I see, we're both in TikTok and all that. Everyone, I see a lot of ladies like, he's avoidant. That's toxic. Just avoidance a red flag.

I'm like, it's not a red flag. flag. You could say anxiousness is a red flag, but it's all about have you processed it and are you mature in your attachment style? Can you verbalize that attachment style to your partner? Can you share that? That goes both ways. So I had to do the work for myself in that of like, okay, this is who I am. This is my process, but I acknowledge this is your process. I'm going to give you a little bit to make you feel safe, but I kind of just need this little bit and let's kind of create a culture together. So that's kind of where I'm at with it. Yeah. It's wild because it's like, I don't know. And even the author, I don't know if you read the book attached, even Amir Levine, who,

wrote the book said, I was far too harsh on avoidance. Because the way that the book, because I think the mainstream where people learn about this, is such a villainization, if that's even a fucking word, it's such a villainizing of the avoidance, as if, well, because I'm anxious, well, I express myself. So there's nothing wrong with me. It's you. That's the problem. Without understanding, anxious folks are also avoidant and avoidant folks are also anxious. And that if you're emotionally unavailable. If you're somebody anxious and you're constantly going after avoidance or people that aren't giving you what you want. Guess what, babes? So are you. You are avoiding doing the work on yourself to start addressing what's coming up for you. But I wanted, I was curious. When you were

kind of rolling through and you were dating and you were doing all this, you're cognizant? Like, could you feel like something's up or were you just kind of like, this is uncomfortable? I have to bolt. Like I'd love to get a little bit more in the mind of a man who was like, hate to say it, but kind of a fuckboy. Yeah. Yeah. No, I, I, I, will say it. I was a fuck boy. I was like, there's, so there's various degrees of this. And, and, and I have my moral value of fuck boyery. I would like to say like I was, you know, on the first level of the seven levels of hell in terms of fuck boyery. You know, it's like, you know, yeah, I hollered. Yeah, I wasted your time a little bit. Yeah, I was, I was just trying to seek

validation. Yeah, you know, maybe I ghosted here and there. But, uh, yeah, I mean, the thing is, is like, I think avoidant, it's easy to kind of create a narrative in terms of a man and avoidant because you just look at kind of the way we're conditioned. So I always say it's like, I hear women say, oh, well, he doesn't want to open up and he doesn't want to be emotionally. He doesn't want to share his feelings. And he doesn't want to do all that. I'm like, I get it. I understand you. But let's call it what it is. Us as a society hasn't caught up with this new era of men being open and emotional. Like, I grew up in the 90s. Like everything I watched was before. professional wrestling, Stonecold Steve Austin whoop an ass, Hans Solo whoop an ass,

Teenage Mutant Turtle's weapon ass. Someone was whoop an ass. So that was what I was conditioned. I am going to conquer. I am going to get the girl. I'm going to be that cool guy. And then you got to think like your toys were babies and like kitchen sets. Mine were Nerf guns. So and I was going back and forth with other boys. So, you know, it just, this is how we grow and this is how we build. And this is and our dads are not helpful either. When we have the talk, it's not about, well this is how the emotions are no it's just physical so it's like we bring all this into our adulthood and then we're like I want emotions from you and I'm like I don't know what to deal with it I literally don't have experience I don't have experience dealing with it I didn't have to nurture

I didn't have to care for anything I was trying to conquer I was trying to go in sports I was trying to do this I was trying to do that so like and if you add that avoidance to it it's not something like I'm trying to do this to hurt you it's just like this is the only thing I can do to feel safe and I think that's something to remember too. You may see this guy as a big six foot two with a good hairline and all that and he has a chest tattoo, but he's scared

because this is a vulnerable space too. So he was, that's like his safety. This is where I feel safe. Even though, but again, are you being intentional and healthy with that safety? Are you verbalizing that and letting them in? So that's kind of the difference.

Oh, 100%. I mean, listen, my partner, I'm like, by on, by textbook, I'm significantly more anxious and he's like super avoidance. And but when we first met, he had already, he had done so much work on himself and all of that. He was able to articulate, hey, I need some space or, hey, I don't want to see you tonight. I'm sorry, but like, I need to get my work done.

And instead of me, like, taking it personally of like there's something wrong with me, what I had to learn, which, and you can correct me if I'm wrong here as somebody who received it was respecting somebody when they say, hey, I need the space. Because I think there's a difference between, like, listen, you and I have seen this in our line of work. The dudes that are just intentionally putting space in of, I'm so busy. Let's get a fucking clarify. Let me ask you, do you agree with this? There's nobody busier than someone that's not interested in you? Yeah. Yeah. Everybody's going to be as busy as I know I am super busy when I just don't want to see that person. And it's not about why can't they just tell me. It's like,

because some people don't want to be mean. Some people don't want to be harsh. Some people don't want to say it. Exactly. But with me, I'm curious because I know when I asked tech guy this, like, He always, you know, he told me the truth. When you had women while you were dating, because I think this is now we finally get to like the male. The girls that you, did you, okay, a couple of questions. One, could you sense a woman's anxiety when you were dating her? Oh, yeah.

Okay, thank you. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. We all think we're good at hiding it. No, not at all. Not at all. We, we, that's the thing. Like, I think there's this narrative that we think dudes are dumb. It's like, even in my most fuck boreery, I know what I was.

doing. I knew how it was going to make you feel. I knew it was going to make you anxious. I knew all those things. And I did it anyway because I didn't give a damn. Or if I was in a relationship, I could tell you were a little anxious or whatever. I'm able to read it and talk about it. But the worst thing you could do is me bring it up and you say, nothing. What's wrong? I feel like you're upset. Nothing. No, no, I'm fine. I'm like, you clearly seem upset. No, no, I'm good. Okay, well, I think we're good then. All right. I'm going to turn on the Xbox. Wow. Really, though? And I'm like, what the hell do you want me to do? I'm like, if a man is emotionally regular and he did the work and he's regulated and all that and he wants to have that

conversation. You got to be able to kind of open up a little bit, you know, because he's giving you that avenue, but that's where the kind of that trust comes in. But the worst thing you do is be like, I'm fine. Oh, she's upset. And then you're thinking, what did I do wrong? Did I do the dishes yesterday? Right. What is she upset? You know, it's like, it's like, it's like, yeah, no, we could read it. We could read it. Then you have to go into mind reading mode of like, all right, I'm shooting for a target in the dark right now. I have to hope I'm going to get. the bull's eye and figure out why she's upset instead of, you know what? Yeah, I don't love that you didn't do this because it's like, I'm a big fan. But you know, this goes back to what you had said

earlier. You were never taught. You were taught the typical toxic masculinity. I see it with my brother. I see it with all my friends. This, no, I have to be the man. I have to be the man of the house. I have to be the man. And it's like, now we're in a time where it's like men don't fucking know, half men don't even know how the fuck to act. They're like, do I call him? Do I not? Do I put a move? Do I not? So much confusion. And the women are getting upset. Well, but he didn't do this. It's like no one's really communicating. But, wow, I just went on a rant and I was like, what wasn't? Well, dude, you're hitting on something that is so important to talk about is like,

what is the new normal? We're constantly figuring out the new normal. And I don't think there really is a new normal. Like you have to be honest with what the fuck you want and who you are and what you want to say and what that, all that. But people are so scared to, to be honest. Someone's like, so I'm going to be perfect. Pick me.

Pick me. Oh, I'm cool. I'm cool. I'm cool. Cool. cool until you guys are in the relationship and you feel safe and then you open up to who you really are and then you realize you just butt heads and you don't even get along. So it's like, that's the thing is like, you got to be, okay, you feel anxious. Share how you feel. Not in like my way

or the highway, but like, hey, this would really mean a lot to me if you did X, Y, Z. Or you know what, I am anxious just because this, this, this and that. It is vulnerable. It is scary, but you have to trust that person. If they reject you and they do it over and over and over again, and then you ask yourself, is this sustainable? Do I even want to be with this person? But you don't know that until you even share and open up. So it's like, that's kind of like, because I'm like, I love that you said that because I'm like, I do this all. I asked, I'm actually curious about your opinion on this. So because of like, she, he didn't do this. He didn't do that. In terms of the first kiss. And I had full table of women all ages. And I asked, you know, is it okay for a guy to ask

ask for the first kiss or just go for it? Literally split down the middle. And it's like, what the hell do we even do in this era? And we're so gun-shy now. So I just ask out a default. And even though people are like, well, that turns me off. And I'm like, well, that's kind of my normal. So if you don't like that and you really, you must really not like me if that's the deal breaker. You know, so that's okay then. But just curiosity, what, what do you fall into that line? For me, I'm, listen, I think if a guy asked me, I'll respect it. But I would prefer just a guy to go in for it. But on that same token, I think for me, I want the man to be able to understand and read body language and the room. If I'm standing there, staring at you, biting my lip while we're standing by my front door,

I want you to kiss me. I'm sitting there doing the, uh-huh, staring at your fucking mouth over and over just being like, God, when is this guy going to kiss me? Versus when you're, you know, if somebody's like, okay, well, thanks so much. And it's like, I don't want some dude to just try to grab me and kiss me. So I definitely think it's about like understanding. And if somebody's hard to read, of course, asking for consent because it's like, then you hear, especially being a man, it's like, anybody could say anything.

He touched me inappropriately, and it's like, no, no, no, no. But now I remember what we were talking about before that I thought was so great, was to your point, like you had said, and this kind of recaps everything you were just saying, you were never taught. Same with for people, I think for so many women now, they were never taught how to be vulnerable. They were never taught that boundaries were safe. I grew up personally in a home. My father's like textbook narcissist and my mom was a people pleaser. So what did I always see? If you have a boundary or you have a need, you get hurt, you get shut down, you get hit, you walks out on.

you. So my first exploration into love was what my father showed me. And then my brother was like sent off to a drug program. And I didn't see him for five years. So I had no older brother. And I had my mom was not there. My sister wasn't there. I had to kind of raise myself. And then as an adult, yeah, it took me a while to be able to be like, no, my needs matter. I validate myself. And I'm going to express myself to you. If that causes you to run, thank God I said something. Because like you said, If that's the deal breaker, me just expressing myself. Yeah. Then it's just not a fucking sustainable relationship here.

Totally. Oh, my God, 100%. I want to hit on that. But I love that. We have it. It's going on freaking hype. I'm like, yeah, yeah. So, okay, for my guy listeners, you add pizzazz to the ask.

There's one thing to be like, excuse me, miss, can I have a kiss? I ain't doing that. I'm like, listen, I had a great night. And you are looking beautiful right now. I would love to give you a kiss. And I just like grab your hand. And then I'm like, you have Riz, you have power. And if she says, no, I'm like, okay, I'll see you.

I'll see you next to that or whatever. I just want to hit on that. I just want to hit on that. Because it comes, it's coming from confidence. You can see the way you're entering it is confidently of like, you look beautiful. And I'd love to give you a kiss versus, okay, if I twitch you, it's like, so I think it's just it's the confidence of entering in with if a girl said no to you, you'd be like, okay, no worries.

I totally get it instead of what the fuck. Exactly. Exactly. So I just had a hit on that. That was just that that was a lesson for everybody in the room right there. So and but I love that we're talking about this because it really gets to the core fact of like you, I love that you brought up your history and what you grew up seeing. Because I think that's like we're so I really think a lot of people struggle with the love that they're used to. They end up dating people with what feels familiar, you know, the love that they're used to, the love that they feel they deserve because that's the love from their father or a parent or whatever. And that ends up trickling. down and I started, you know, really, really, and it could affect you in so many different ways. I mean, I think, you know, there's something, you know, I forgot who said it, but it's like, so many people are looking for love with their arms, like, clothes, with our hands closed. And you need to do with their arms open, but that's really scary. And, but that's where it kind of takes to that work on yourself and to break those chains

and to be self-aware, you've got to take different actions. So it's like, I love him. He's, he's, yes, Eli, he's a painter and he has bad. credit and he has four baby mamas and all that. But I feel like it's going to be different. Baby girl, this is like your ex and your ex-X and literally like we have to shift. We have to do something different again. So, but everyone comes with that. And on the men's side, too, it's the same thing. Like you said, if like your, your brother probably had a rough go of it of him figuring himself out and him discovering himself and him doing all that. And a lot of

men do too, where it's like these women, it's nothing personal. I'm just going through my shit. I don't know what I want. I'm struggling what I need to build. I'm starting what my boundaries are. I'm struggling. Like I'm going through my own process with only differences. I'm a man. Yeah.

And I take action. And you look cute in that, you know, booty shorts at the gym while you're doing squats. So I'm going to holler at you. But I'm unhealed and I'm dealing with my stuff. So if I am ghosting, if I am doing those things,

it's me still not realizing that things I have to change the ship for myself. So it's like, I want to say that for the people listening for the ladies are like, it's because I suck. That's why it goes to me. It's because I suck. because it's more often than not, it's his issues. Because he could have made the choice to be mature and say,

listen, I'm not interested. But he did this immature action, right? So that's why I want to hit on too. No, and which is actually was going to lead me, because I was going to ask you about like some of these fucking like bumper sticker sayings that I'm just so tired of. It's kind of like, if you wanted to, he would nonsense of like, so you just think it's all about want.

You really think it's just that much of a subdermal fucking super surface that it's just, oh, well, you know, hey, I don't want to, I want to be a millionaire. well, you must not want it bad enough, Sabrina. I think coming to my next thing, like, yes, I understand sometimes rejection can be personal. I understand that we've all gone on a date with someone when you're like, they smelled or, God, the conversation was so boring. And it's like, listen, that's someone's personality. But more often than not ghosting or they come on really strong and then they fizzle quick.

In your opinion, obviously we can't speak for all fucking men. But for what you've experienced and what you know, is that personal? Yeah, that's the thing. It's like when there's an immature action, that could be a mature one, I wouldn't take that personally. Because I'm like, I think that's the real big,

big thing is that I always try to remind women too of like, well, he immediately started dating someone else or he's out in the club or he's, you know, post-breakup or whatever, or like the ghosting or fizzling out or whatever. I'm like, you know, there, and even like, you know, people get lost in the gray zone.

of like this guy's kind of breadcrumbing you and yada, yada, yada, you know. And it's like, is it because I'm not good enough? It's because I suck. It's because, you know, you're taking it. You're putting your ego in it so much where it's like he has the choice. He is an adult. Again, even in my fuck boyery, I knew what I was doing, but I was too afraid to make the hard decisions, the respectful decisions, because I didn't have respect for myself.

So, and that was just a court. My actions or inactions were correlation of the respect I have for myself. And you got to think, like, Like, there's, there's an immature way to go about trying to get some ass, and there's a mature way to go about to get some ass. And more often than not, men do the immature way because they feel insecure. And what is that? Oh, I'm, you're so amazing. Oh, you're so beautiful.

Oh, I think I love you. Just to kind of what hook up. Like, that's all it is. So you're like gaslighting and lying to this person and wasting their time just to get something so minimal. When you could step into your maturity and just say, listen, I think you're beautiful. I'm not in a position to really do that to settle down yet. but I would love to, you know, kick it with you or what have you. If that's not cool with you, all good.

And like, you may say no. You may be like, oh, no, I'm not ready for that. This guy was trying to blah, blah, blah. And then you go holler at other fuck boys and they're lying to you over and over and over again. And you're single still. And you're like, you know what? He was the least honest. So let me text him and be like, yeah, we can do that, yada, yada, you know, and all

that. So I think a lot of dudes don't step into that because it's the immature action. So I always say, like, don't take that so personally. And even if, even if your breath does stink. brush your teeth or whatever or like if you have a personality they don't like that's okay there's someone out there waiting for you there's so many freaking people out here but we just hold on with hope and potential for so long and then we create this negative narrative that all guys suck and blah blah so i'm glad we're like hitting on all this to really like demystify it oh fuck yeah because

i think at the end of the day it's like then your self-worth becomes part of it like i knew for me i would always want to change people and be like i remember this one guy who was like raging fucking narcissist like textbook. There was nothing. This was like, even my friend who was a psychologist, hung out with us and she was like, this guy's fucking textbook. And I was pining after this guy for years.

He had a girlfriend. I didn't care. When he texted me, I felt like on top of the world. I hooked up with him when they first started dating because in my mind, I was like, I'm going to change him because I couldn't change my father. I couldn't get the love from him and I couldn't get that.

And so I kept going and kept going and kept going. Now, here's my next question. I know, I know the answer to this, but I'd love to hear you say it. When, excuse me, when you're not in the headspace for it, like, so you tell a woman, listen, and I love, I actually really, really love that nit bit of what you said. If it's something that could be handled maturely, that's when you know what's about that. And that's actually like a really beautiful way to put this.

But let's say we have, excuse me, let's say we have somebody that is coming into this of like, you know, oh, well, if I just like keep doing this, he's going to fall in love with me and he's going to see how amazing I am. Do people change for other people because of how incredible you are as a human being? Oh, I love that question. No. That's the big no. And that's the issue is that, like, again, if you're going, I love the question of how do I

keep him interested? How do I keep him interested? How do I get him to like me? How do I get him like, girl, there is so little power in that question. You're giving him all the validation, all the power. You're giving him your price tag and letting him write whatever the hell you want. Baby girl, you've got to set the price for yourself so you could deem who is worthy to come to market. Like that is really what it's all about.

But by saying, how do I keep him interested? If you had to ask, how do I keep a man interested, he ain't ever going to be. That's just what it is. And they smell that insecurity from a mile away. And guess what? If it's an immature, toxic man, he's going to take advantage of it. He's going to see that insecurity and he's going to exploit it. And then gaslight you and do all that.

a mature man will get turned off and not even want to like holler. So it's like that's the thing. So that's why I always say step into your truth. Like we got to cut the BS. If you're trying to intentionally date, this is your future father of your child. Okay. Like you're going to get a mortgage with this man. Like if you can't even have like a conversation or even share what your preferences are this early on. Like you got to do some work on yourself and know that you matter and that you can. Because you, I think like you authentic relationships create authentic experiences, but you have to step into your authentic in order to even get that. And I know it's scary. I know it's difficult, but like you're going to save so much time because of it because everyone's

just like, I want them to like me. I want them to like me. I'm like, you don't even know his last name. He probably has like a side girlfriend. You don't even know. It's been two dates. Relax. So I love that, you know, if he could, he would. If you wanted to he would. If you wanted to, he would. And then because it wraps into anxiety and then we live around your anxiety. And then that's something we kind of have to address. So that's, that's the. back though. Well, and it's like somebody had asked one of the questions, which I thought, kind of where, as we're talking about this, is, you know, if somebody, like, how could somebody want to stay casual knowing that they'll lose me? And I'm like, okay, here's a reality. I think

a lot of people need to hear. I'm in my first, like, truly healthy relationship. Like, this has to be the most secure, mind you. What does that also look like? I'm triggered all the time. Like, we have really hard conversations. And when I say that, I mean, like, times sometimes where we're like, hey, you know, is it time for us to break up? Like, we have to say those things. And then we'll both look and be like, okay, no, like, let's talk further. But I think there's this common misconception that like, well, come on, we're just hanging out. We have a great time.

Why can't you be in a relationship with me? Why can you see who I am? It's like because being in a relationship requires vulnerability, bandwidth, tools. It's a lot. You have to have to have to be able to put your ego aside. You have to be able to step in. You have to be able to share parts of yourself. Be selfless.

And there are a lot of people. that want to be selfish and there's nothing wrong. Like you said, if a man comes and says, listen, I am not interested in anything else. I just want something casual. I think the moral of the story is, except, especially if a guy is going to say that to your fucking face, potentially knowing

that you could say no, why wouldn't you believe him? That's true. He's not going to fuck up his odds. Yeah, I'm like, okay, then you leave and that's cool. I know I'm good. I know what I want. I'm not going to lie to you in order to get what I want. And then that's just a waste of time.

but I love that you demystified the whole, oh, that's the healthiest relationship I ever have, thinking, oh, now it's a Disney movie. No, it's a big old pain in the ass. There's just levels to the game of conversations

that you need to have. And it's like, I'm sure you just said that. And there's people being like, oh, yeah, pickup talk. You guys actually say that. We never even say that.

Were that something? I'm like, you just cut the BS. Like, is this really what, like, you need to be, like, step into your truth and know you got you in these conversations, but also trust your partner. Like, I was, what is it?

My first therapist was freaking amazing. Oh, chef's kiss. I was so afraid to do therapy because I'm a freaking dude. I never done it before. I'm like, I felt like I built this like stack of cards of life. And they were just going to come in and pull that card on the bottom. I was just going to all going to fall. But I ended up feeling so empowered and taking like the weight off my shoulders.

I was like, here's all my fuck boyery. I feel like a piece of shit. And she was like, I don't care what you did. I care about why you did it. Let's focus on that. And I was like, what? And that's why I was able to focus. But she was super dope because she was.

was opening up about her relationship because she was like, you know, I've been married for X amount of decades. He does therapy. I'm a therapist. I do therapy. And we have hard conversations. I share. I feel like I'm losing you right now. I see someone I'm attracted to and I'm feeling like and I don't want to lose you. I feel it. And I blew my mind. I'm like, dude, if I told any of that to my exes, they would throw a shoe at me. You know, and I get it. But it's like, there's levels to the game of communication. And there's something beautiful about sharing this thing that is uncomfortable and hard to hear, but seeing that love and fighting for that is massive. So I love that you, you hit on that and broke that down because it is so crucial. And a lot of people aren't ready

for that smoke. And it's good, and it's good to check yourself of like, you know, am I? And is the the person I'm talking to is? Because a lot of oftentimes you just make excuses for their actions and how they are and who they are because you just want them and build this kind of fairy tale lifestyle for you. Amazon presents Jeff versus Taco Truck Sullivan. Whether it's Verde, Roja, or the orange one. For Jeff, trying any salsa is like playing Russian roulette with a flamethrower. Luckily, Jeff saved with Amazon and stocked up on antacids, ginger tea, and milk. Habaniero?

More like habanier, yes. Save the everyday with Amazon. But yeah, that's the big thing. Yeah, that's, I love that you said that. It's like it's like so many people are so focused on the idea of somebody of like with the potential. And I'm like, okay, here's a harsh reality as well. The I don't believe in like chasing a spark. I don't believe in that.

I'm like because you're just chasing a feeling. You're literally chasing a specific feeling. What I'm here is to be like, yeah. So you know the whole healthy equals boring thing? It's like there's a reason for that because your nervous system is not dysregulated. You know that that person's going to show up. You know that that person's going to do that. And if you are somebody that has grown up,

where people were showing up for you and you were able to receive that, great. Then this is going to be something that feels comfortable for you. If you are somebody like me, I was always used to people leaving me that when I first started dating my partner, for a solid month, I came up with every excuse to make this not work.

Every reasoning that I couldn't find, that I could find like, I don't like how tight his clothes are. I hate the color of his car. His hair is too short. And it's like, guess what has been, all of those things are so easy to, and I don't mean change as if,

oh, I'm trying to change. someone, but it's like, if I like your hair a little longer, and I tell you that, you're going to listen to me because I'm your girlfriend and I know what looks good. And now all of his friends are thanking me for it. But I think like, the thing to understand is like, even the healthiest, most secure relationships will trigger you. They're going to make you have to look at yourself. They're going to make you have conversations. Like my partner and I have never, I've never cursed at him. I've never raised my voice at him. When I'm upset, I'm stern. I'm very to the point. I think at the live podcast event, a couple of girls went up to him and they're like, is she

really this blunt with you? And he was like, even more so. He was like, he was like, this is, and all my friends, people will ask them like, is she really like this? And they're like, yes. Like, this is not an act. Because at the end of the day, I get to rest my head on the pillow knowing my side of the street is cleaned. I took care of, I took accountability. I took ownership, inclusive of, hey, I keep going after someone that couldn't give me what I want. Wow. So that must mean I'm not actually ready for what it is that I say that I want. Because if I actually were, my actions and my words would start to align a little bit more. And don't give me the bullshit of like,

there's just no one out there. It's like, babes, there's nine billion people, first of all. Second of all, it actually takes a lot less for compatibility than we think it does. But there's always, but this is actually, so somebody asked a question. And again, I don't love the, do men do this? I just, ugh, but we're going to go for it. Would love your thoughts on, do men find it more, are men more afraid of commitment than women?

I've got thoughts on this. So I'll give mine after yours. I like that question. Are they more afraid of commitment than what? I would say, yeah. Because again, I always like to look at like society as a whole kind of currently how we're living. Because I'm like, the more often not the narrative is like, when will he pop the question? When will he pop the question? When will he pop the question? And it takes and it's always like, well, I want to focus on finances. I want to feel a little more stable. I want to kind of like get it together. Like I always say like women have a certain like block where men have a financial clock.

We know that we're there to provide. We know that we want, we see, we have societal pressures just like women do. And the societal pressure us as a man is to be able to hold it down, be able to support our family, be able to have our finances together, be able to do all that. And it's really anxious to be able to dive into this love party that costs, you know, tens of thousands of dollars. And I really don't give a damn about what anyone else thinks about it. Like I think like in general, you know, in terms of, in terms of, in terms of, in terms of, settling down, settling down, that's a thing. But in terms of commitment in itself, that is an interesting one because I feel like everyone,

I think like more so men are on different timelines. Yeah. So it's like, everyone thinks like, well, when you find the one, you find the one. Like men don't think that way. Men's on a timeline. Like I, there is no way I would date women that I used to date back in the day when I was a fuck boy. No way. Because I didn't even like myself when I was that young.

And guess what? They were really young too. So we both grew up and we both changed. And the relationship wouldn't even be the same. So it's like, I think there's this fairy tale that I hear from a lot of women that like, well, you know, is it the right person wrong time? Yeah. You know, will they come back? Like, because there's this ideology of like, well, I'm like tomorrow I might get swept off my feet.

I might find the one at the airport. I may, you know, like the princess will, you know, come and save the day. Like my rom-com moment of whatever, I go to a small town. I learn about Christmas and he works at it in. Like, we don't know, guys don't give a shit about any of that. We don't give a damn. We just happen to be at the club and like see a girl. I'm like, oh, wow, she actually like is cool.

Like, whoa, like, that's pretty dope. And I'm like, I'm kind of in a position to settle down. I'm kind of over it. And if anything, this person really opens my eyes about that. And yeah, this is awesome. But like, we don't, we're not thinking of like, this is the moment we get swept off our feet. No, it's just like, oh, I'm eating a cheeseburger.

And I see you across the talk at the Taco Bell across the food court. And I'm like, wow, she's really hot. I'm like, whoa, she's actually pretty dope. Oh, okay. I'm like, wow, she's actually really cool. okay, I'm going to take some actions because I don't want anyone else to like put their hands on her because I deem her as like something I could really pursue. And then it's kind of snowballs that way. So it's like I think you got to kind of see the framing of it. And it kind of goes back to what we're talking about is like, you know, you will know if a guy's about it.

I always like when clients come to me and ask questions and when they're really confused, like, but what does he mean and what of this and what of that and what of that? I always got to get down like to the point of like anyone who feels secure with the guy they're hollering at or in their relationship. They don't come to me. They don't have to. They don't ask these questions. So I'm like, know that there is a reason why there is this friction, there is this tension, there has been six months and he still hasn't made a move or he still hasn't like settled down.

So, but this is something you have to address and step into your power about. You have to talk about it. You have to hear what. And I'm not saying, we're going, I need to settle down today. It's just as simple as this is where I'm at. This is how I could see this going. I really see a lot of potentialness. How do you feel about it?

And just let them answer. Just let them answer. That's why I'm such a fan of the reveal. Sorry, I didn't mean to cut you out. Yeah, no problem. Doing instead of coming to a guy, like, here, you tell me what do you like better as somebody who's now more secure. So, Ely, like, what are we?

Where are we going? How do you see me getting into your life versus, Eli, I've actually like really enjoyed the last month. Things have been awesome. I'd love to not date anybody else and just see you. Yeah. You tell me which one of those sounds like, damn, this girl is coming from confidence or even confirming a plan instead of, I haven't heard from you. Are we still on for tonight?

Or, hey, you know, you don't want to make it. Like, if you can't make it, it's okay. Versus, hey, so excited to see you tonight. Yeah. I'm like, dope. That's what I'm always saying. Like, like, I'm big on manifestation, but people get it wrong where it's like, manifestation is what I want. It's like, no, manifestation is what you are. You get what you are. So if you want emotionally regular person who's able to communicate and be able to share those things to step into their confidence, you have to be that. So, and guess what? If you do get a guy who's done the work, he is not going to deal with your anxious ass. He's not. He's not going to be able to play the mind games and do all that in the ups and downs and the

chaos and everything else. And like, if we're not being able to sit down and have a conversation, that's really disrupting my piece that I worked really hard to build in myself. And you're disrupting that. And it's like, you don't have to be perfect, allowed to be a human being. But like, we should be able to, like, trust each other to at least open up and have a connection or at least share how you feel in a confident way. But yeah, there is that difference. And, And I want to hit on something else. It's like, I love how you brought up, like, everyone's like, damn, Sabrina's like that open and honest with her man. And like, whatever.

He's like, that's my baby girl. That's mine right there. You know, she's punching a bag of potatoes, but that's my girl right there. You know, but like, but that's beautiful that you're able to be your honest self. You don't feel held back or you're holding internal anger or resentment or anything. And he's able to be that self-safe space for you. And here's the thing that I want to hit on. You're allowed to be who you are.

And it's just like, that's how we find our person. Because like, just because it works doesn't mean it works for everybody. Like, you know, it's like, everyone sees me in social media. I'm like, oh, he's so great. I want a day deal. I'm a big old pain in the ass. You know, you don't know me. You know, it's like I'm super driven and I'm super da da da da da.

And it's really hard to drag my attention elsewhere. Like, what, what flowers do you want to put in the kitchen? I don't care. You know, it's like I'm still a man. I'm still like, I still am very much a dude. So it's like, but that's how you know you found your person when you could just be that. So I'm glad you hit on that too because I think it's really important. Yeah, it's true.

It's like I had guys like the guy that I dated right before him had tried to say, oh, I don't like your personality and I'm not attracted to you and all this. And I just walked out. I was like, oh, fuck yourself then. I'm like, why am I here? And instead of holding my, because I looked and I was like, all right, can I own anything here? No. This guy is just fucking creating excuses. He admitted later that it was excuses and he was scared.

I don't really care. but instead of I used to, I used to leave. I remember calling my mom crying. Another person left me and here we go again. I'm going to be alone forever and trying to always fit into the mold that I thought like, okay, so Eli likes to do all these things. Great. Now I do too.

Okay, cool. So now I'm going to be a cool girl because the cool girl has no needs. We talked about this earlier. The girl that has no needs and she's just super chill and whatever. Now, it's kind of the cool girl kind of. plays as well with the games, the chase. Because I think if somebody who is, if somebody's only entertaining you because you're the cool girl who has no

needs whatsoever and everything's go with the flow, in the same vein of a guy that wants to chase and he only likes you because he's chasing, it shows not only that they're unhealthy, that you are as well. Because it shows that it takes two to tango in that game. And for one person to run after the other would also require, like this person having to be something that they're not because they only gain validation by chasing you and you only get, validation by having somebody chase you.

Because then, guess what happens? At some point, you have to meet. Some point you got to turn around and start matching energy. And then that's why so many people are shocked and floored by, I don't understand. He came on so strong and he was so amazing. And then all of a sudden he left. It's like, well, yeah, because the fantasy was no longer fantasy. It's reality now.

That's it. That's it. And be just fucking honest. Like, I love who you said that because it just triggered me. I'm like, oh, you know, I'm like, every, I think like majority of the relationships I've been in, I've dated two women. And it is the woman I first met and the woman I met six months later. And it's a lot of the time it is that like, I like everything. I'm cool with that. Let's watch Star Wars every weekend. That's cool. I'm like, really? Wow, you're really dope.

Let's do watch Star Wars every weekend. And then six months later, you're like, I freaking hate Star Wars. I hate that we always watch the movies you want to watch. I actually want to watch this thing. And then there's this built up six months of resentment and you finally share who you are. And then I'm like, what the hell's going on? And then we get all. off balance and I'm like, who is this person? And then we get defensive because we didn't build like a culture of even sharing our differences and kind of understanding each other. It's always like people want to like get married when they discover they both like ice cream.

Oh, you like ice cream? I like ice cream. Let's get fucking married, dude. This is awesome. And then you get to the second stage of like, well, I like vanilla. You like chocolate. Well, I want chocolate. You want vanilla.

Okay, got, got, gut, budding heads. And then you have to create the culture of like, okay, every other Tuesday we'll get vanilla. Every other Tuesday, we'll go chocolate. if you're really having a really bad day, I freaking love you. Let's get freaking vanilla. That's okay. You're having a bad day.

Let's get chocolate. Oh my God, you got this big celebration. Let's get chocolate all freaking month because I love you so much. And then you kind of build from that. But so many people just like, want to go straight to like,

we both have a hell of ice cream. Let's fucking get married. Let's do it. But I'm like, you have to create that culture of conversation and communication with each other. And you can do that early on by just sharing your preferences. Which I think is part of the whole,

are men more afraid to commit to women than women? It's like, no, no, no, no. human beings in general, just because you're so you're so quick to commit to somebody doesn't mean that you're not also, because that would mean that I'm like, oh, then you're afraid of abandonment. It's not that some people could be afraid of commitment because it's a loss of identity.

And like, it's mostly people, if you're, if you're somebody either avoiding or dismissive, or disorganized if you have both, it could be women too. I know plenty of really avoided women that are fucking terrified of getting into a relationship because they know what it means. They have to be vulnerable and show parts of themselves. And, you know,

That's the thing too with anxious attaches. Just because you're not afraid of commitment doesn't mean that you're, that just because you meet two dates and now you want to get into a relationship that that's healthy either. Because that's not coming from this person's fucking amazing. I love it. Look, we started out loving ice cream. Then we realized we like different flavors. Then we compromised.

Then we had conversations. This is why I want to be with them. Like you said, it's just, yeah, we like the same things. Cool. Thinking that's all it takes to be in a relationship. And it's like, no, that's why a few months. later, you blink your eye and go, do I even like this person? Or they end up, there's a disconnect because you weren't, you were chasing a feeling. You weren't actually going after the person.

Because if I replaced them with any other person, you wouldn't even be sad that that person's not there. But I do have kind of a burning question for you. And I know, obviously, I mean, spoiler alert for anyone who watches and listens to me. I fuck my boyfriend on the first date. So this is going to be, but the big E question is the whole intimacy thing. The like, If I hook up with them on the first day, I'm going to be too easy and he's not going to respect me and he's not going to like me. So I need to make him wait. The male perspective on that because I've heard a few and I always laugh when I hear it. I'll say it right now.

It don't matter. It really doesn't matter. I have multi-year partnerships that started with a Tinder hookup. Literally the first night, matched that night, met up at the bar, hooked up that night. And guess what? we got breakfast the next day because I was like, this fucking woman is awesome. And I'm like, here's the thing.

We, at a certain point, like men, we go on dates and dates and dates and dates. And there are women that we see. And it's like, oh, no, I don't really like them. I'm not going to see them again. Or women, well, we don't really like them, but they're hot. So we'll, you know, we'll maybe I'll do, you know,

whatever casual. And then, and then there's women like, oh, wow, she stands out. She's dope. This is a connection. Like, this is a connection. And she's gorgeous and she's this. And yeah, you've kind of fall into the idea

of it, but you get excited. And so I'm totally like, I don't think it matters. I do think like if you are going to put yourself in that position, it has to be for you and you have to feel good after the fact. Like if you feel like if that is something that could happen or if they leave and it's going to emotionally devastate you, then listen to yourself. Don't do it. But either way, the guy's going to like you. I've been, I have dated women who have hooked up with me the first night. and I have dated women who has, like, waited, I waited three months, but it's because I liked them. So it doesn't really matter if we see someone that we view as something that is valuable and something that we want to, you know, hold on to and what we want to dive in after. We know it's rare.

So then we'll go after and we'll act correct. And that's why, like, I really want people to hear this, women to hear this, because this allows you to open up and share your preferences and how you honestly are and feel. Because if they like you, they're willing to do the work. but you have to present moments of effort for them to do that. If you just act perfect, there's nothing for them to truly know if they really care about you. They have to learn to love you. So bring up, like, if he's not texting you enough, like, well, he's not texting me enough, then just casually bring up like, hey, I love your morning text messages.

When you did, it brightens my freaking day. I would love it if you sent, like, sent me, like, some more morning text messages. Oh, my God, this chick's awesome. I don't want to lose her because if I lose her, I see the guys that are at the club, and I see the girls grinding at the bars, and I like her now, so I don't want her grinding on other dudes and having dudes like hook up with her and stuff. So it's like, okay, I'm going to text her. Maybe I won't be perfect. But at least there's some sort of effort. And now we have like, like at least you see they're putting an effort at least, okay, he likes me. He's putting in some

effort. And then you could kind of build that parameter through that. So kind of what we're talking about, I think that's a big thing. But no, it doesn't frankly matter. Because I think it's at the end of the day, I'm like, it's about their intentions. Like my partner was that he was like, when I met you, he's like, I wanted a relationship. I was ready for it. And he was like, when I met you. He was like, fuck, the questions you asked on the first date, he's like, I knew kind of what you said. He was like, when you left? I went, that's somebody I have it. I have not met a woman like this. And he was like, and I said, when did you start taking me seriously? He was like, when you moved, he was like, other than that, I thought we were just enjoying ourselves. He was like, but, you know, I thought because he's like, I didn't want to do L.A. to San Diego.

And he was like, but then when you signed the lease, he was like, game on. He was like, let's fucking go. I'm not going to let's go. And it was the same thing. When I said, hey, you know, I want to text a little more. He was like, cool, I'm not going to go overboard. Like, I'm not going to text you every day, but let's find a happy medium. That's how I knew. Cool, I could express myself to this person. I could do. But I will say, for all of my girls out there that are unsure, when do you sleep with someone, when do you not?

Like you said, it has to be for you. If you're doing it to control the situation, I don't want him to look at me in a bad light. I don't, I want to make sure he sticks around. Baby, I've waited two months to sleep with someone and then the next day they end it. Like, let's not pretend as if somebody doesn't still have free fucking. will. Exactly. But I think a reality is two things. Intimacy is part of a relationship. We cannot pretend that you're not going to have sex when you're dating somebody. And that for me, it's really important. I don't want somebody that like we're not compatible in that way.

And secondly, just because, though, that you hook up with the guy on a first or second date doesn't mean that you should ever shame or blame yourself if it doesn't work out, but also needs to be where you leave saying, I'm a woman that it needs. I wanted to explore this. I had a good time. This person doesn't know you anything. This person doesn't guarantee anything. You are a grown as adult who made a decision. Yes. Yes. And enjoy the dating game. Enjoy it. Like you get to enjoy it. Like, I always try to tell people like, step into a space of gratitude. You get to be in the process of going on dates and having people like connecting with human beings and being able to like fall in a moment. Like I feel so connected with this person. This is such a beautiful moment. Let's just do the damn thing. Let's bump some bellies and have fun.

And even if it's mediocre, you've got to just get wrapped up in this emotional moment with this person. Even if you never see him again, we're all going to be old dusty and gray one day. We're going to look back and think of these like, oh, man, Sebastian, when I did that trip to Portugal, like, that is what you're going to think on. And you're going to, you're going to like, so like enjoy the process and step into gratitude as well. But again, it has to be for you like, like, like you said. So don't like, don't beat yourself up with that too. But again, it comes back to a space of like, do you got you?

Do you love you? do you know you matter even after this person walks away? Exactly. That's the big thing. Because, yeah, I can't say that. They don't define. It's like nobody defines you. Okay.

Here's my last question. My burning question before we wrap it up is something that I think a lot of people ask, and I'm sure you're not going to be shocked when I ask you this. Okay. He likes a bunch of social media models and he follows a bunch of only fans, girls, or he likes a bunch of,

he has, you know, I get this every day. Like the guy I'm dating, like a photo of a girl with her boobs out. Should I say something? It bothers me. Now, to me, I don't read into social media like that. I don't watch what my partner's photo, what photos he likes. I understand that men are visual creatures.

I understand that sometimes when a guy is taking a shit and he's looking at memes, he doesn't want to engage in a conversation with you. Just because you text him doesn't mean that he has to hop off, everything he's doing to then engage with you. And it's an understanding that like, oh, I don't know. Maybe this person's just fucking busy. And maybe they just like have things that day and they'll get back to you when it's never just one text. So let's stop pretending like it is.

But I'd love your thoughts on like the people that are struggling with the guys that are on social media. What do you do in that case? Because I actually don't even know. How do you handle it? And then from you as a man, how do you receive that? Woof, I glad you hit on this. Because I get this a lot too. I'm sure we get a lot of similar things.

And social media is the new normal. It's a part of the new normal. Like what like everyone sees it differently. Like you said it perfectly. Like social media is like whatever to me. I don't care. But other people are like, oh, I got it. that he looked at this girl's photo and like the photo and all that.

And it's funny because like, you know, I love the switchroo. So here's the funny, like the funny thing is like, I post content for women and I see all their issues and problems and struggles, but I receive content from men, but it's both in the dating space. So I see, I see the struggles of women and then I look in the comments of the men content and the struggles of men in terms of women. So, and I see videos of like, well, a woman's like, well, he can't like girls photos.

That is cheating to me. That is not okay. And then the guy's like, well, do you post like photos on social media? I'm like, yeah, for like my likes and stuff. And I'm like, do you get how that's the same? So what if he told you to stop making content then? Because you know what he's, well, no, it's different. So that you got to kind of call yourself on that.

But I think it's like everyone sees it differently. So only fans, is only fans cheating? That's a big question too. Some people see it as cheating. Other people don't. But you don't know until you have the conversation about it. I think social media is that new plane of this. era of dating where you should sit down with this future partner and say, what are the lines?

What are the lines? What is inappropriate? What triggers us? What hurts us? And, and know that we have to give ourselves some grace in this space because it's literally in front of us all the time and all that. Because he may not want you to post scandalous photos in your two piece. But if you are like, screw you, I like that, whatever, good for you. That's your preference and you guys don't align. And you guys are going to keep budding heads and keep creating fights and whatever. If you don't want him to follow booty forward content creators. Okay, that's your preference. But step into that. And if he, if he's like, no, I love my booty forward content creators, then that's how you know you guys don't vibe. But you have to have that conversation of like, okay, what is our culture of this

relationship that we're trying to build? And what lines of social are we not going to cross? And when we do cross it, we're going to create an open space of conversation. Because I would say this. Like, this is the biggest thing that men need. This is like, if you want to communicate with a guy, this makes it so much easier. Just be super, like, direct of what actions you want them to take. I don't want to breed your mind. I don't want to process these feelings. Like, I don't want to, like, figure it out, like, mine your mind and stress to find the solution myself.

I want you to come to me and say, listen, this really upsets me in this way. This makes me feel this type of way. I would really appreciate it if you did this specific action, that specific action, this specific inaction. That would mean a lot to me. Great. Like dudes like women are amazing because you guys, it's like a computer. You guys have 18 different tabs open at once. Men just have one.

Like one at a time. That's all we could process. Football, food, uh, girlfriend, friends. We're only thinking of one thing. We're not thinking about anything else until we're looking at it. So when you bring, when you shut down and get upset or whatever, like, oh, I'm playing video games. I'm like, okay, my brain now I have to disrupt this tab and focus on it.

Like, ah, but like if you just come make it super smooth and say, babe, I just really would appreciate if you just really would appreciate if you just, this, done. I could do that. Just make it easy for me. You know, because then it's like we get stressed out and then we get upset and then it's this whole long term thing. That's why I say just do emotional check-ins, create non-negotiable moments of just sitting down and just sharing, yo, this is why you're amazing, but these are some things that would really appreciate it that I love. And then you guys do that versus. So that's like the biggest thing. Make it streamline and easy. That's like to me when I'm communicating, I'll always start with like, hey, can I share something with you? Making sure

that this person can switch to that tab of like, sometimes my partner will literally stop and he's like, okay, I'm good now. Like, I can see he's putting that tab aside and turning to me. And then I'll start with, you know, something positive. Like, hey, you know, I care about you. This is not coming from a place of anger or hurt. Then I go into, but I was really triggered. Like, let's say it's the social media thing.

I get really triggered when I see you like photos of all these women. And then why? Because it makes me feel really insecure. It makes me feel like, is this what you'd rather have than me? And if that's not the case, that's okay. But then moving forward, I would ask that you don't follow women like that or at least engage in their profile, because then that still makes me feel as if you want that over me.

And I want to make sure that you are happy with our relationship. Oof, that's it. Like, that's it. And did you notice his processing time? Like, like you're a freaking MacBook Pro 2024. We're Windows 95 and dial-up. It just gives us that time to,

oh, but-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p---------------------------. Okay, I'm there. What's up? Just give us that. We're human, we're both human beings, but men are a little different. So just give us that because I know guys can get defensive or whatever. Like, well, he was watching the football game and he got upset with me. I'm like, oh, he's watching the football game.

Just sets a schedule time like, babe, I would love to talk. Like, I let him enjoy the game. Don't even say let's have a talk because he's like, oh, fuck, I have to talk after this. But like, let him watch the game. And then after it's done, be like, okay, he's allowed to be present. This create a space of presence so you could get all of him so he's not distracted or whatever. And he should do the same for you. Again, this should be a reciprocal kind of.

of thing. But yeah, that's the big thing. I love that you sound like, yeah, I saw him like, and like had a load, download load, and then he got with it. Yeah, that's a big thing. I can literally see it in his eyes. I'm like, and like sometimes we'll be watching for the he'll pause it. Look at me and he's like, can you repeat that? And I'm like, okay, cool. Like I know what I'm dealing with. And that's, I think at the end of the day, like, that's a healthy relationship. That's a journey. And that's also having compassion for your partner, that it's not all about my needs and what I'm not getting fulfilled. It's like, what about them? What about if you're constantly, if you're constantly fucking nitpicking it, every little fucking thing this person does, but yet you want him to open up to you, you haven't created a safe space for him to do that.

You've now created a space where this guy's going, nothing I do is right. Cool. Everything I do is going to hurt her, and she's still not even articulating to me. So that's also part of it is like, you want to be in a secure relationship. We have to show up and take ownership of, hey, this bothers me and this hurts me. Dude, this was, I wish we could keep going. I know. That's so much fun.

I know. I freaking love it. Thank you so much. Dude, where can people find you? How can they work with you? I'll put everything in the show notes, but just in general, how can they find you? Yes, yes.

So, Sabrina, again, thank you so much. Like, you are so freaking necessary. And you got to share a bit of your story, and I'm sure your listeners know your story too. But when you told me your story and you just were so honest and raw from the jump, I was like, damn, we're getting into it. And when you're on my show,

and I think it's just so beautiful. You're like, I love giving people their flowers and especially the grinders and the hustlers because you guys get long. I know we're in tunnel vision. So it's like, where you were able to be in life, business, all that,

and what you're able to transform it into and to help so many people in the process, God, I'm so happy, I just so happy you exist. And just don't stop, please. Just don't stop, please. Do us a favor and just don't stop. And, yeah, so where you could find me is,

it's all my social is, it's Eli Vasquez, TikTok, Instagram, YouTube, all that. And then, yeah, I do personal development coaching. So I have an eight-week heartbreak to baddie boot camp. If you're heartbroken, if you're trying to gain perspective and growth like never before, this is the no BS dating personal development wellness program where you work with me personally. So I do that for eight weeks.

And then also one-on-ones. You can ask me questions via email. And then I'm launching my podcast in January 2020-4, which Sabrina is on. So you get really freaking excited for that. So follow me on all the social. I'm all about giving value, love, and keeping it real. Perfect. Yeah, and everything will be linked in the show notes,

so nobody has to go too far. But thank you again so much for being on. Thank you for being you. And thank you for helping to contribute to this community. We are so fucking grateful for you. Ooh, appreciate you. Thanks.