The Sabrina Zohar Show - 51: Letting go, why 'matching energy' is a waste, detaching and year end recap!

Episode Date: December 29, 2023

On this weeks episode of The Sabrina Zohar Show, Sabrina dives into 2023 and chats about how much can change in a year, why matching energy is a waste of your time and how to detach and let go so you can start 2024 off right! Want to work with Sabrina? HERE! Stuck After the Podcast? Master Implementation in 8 Weeks with Sabrina's Foundation Course Join the Make It Make Sense: Getting Through a Breakup course HERE! Get Ad-free episodes and 2 Bonus episodes a month HERE! Dont forget to follow Sabrina and The Sabrina Zohar Show on instagram and Sabrina on Tik tok! Video now available on YOUTUBE!  Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formally known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A.Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Hello, hello, hello. And welcome to another episode of Do the Work podcast. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. I cannot believe that we are finally at the end of the year episode. I've been prepping for it. I've been planning for it. I've been mentally mulling it over and going through. And it just feels surreal that we made it.

And I'm so fucking excited to dive in with you guys and kind of go over like, honestly, first off, the difference a year can make. It's wild. Do a little recap. And then really kind of also go into some things that I wanted to like kind of finalize as we exit the year because I did yoga this morning. And the teacher kept focusing on like, we have to remember with every new beginning means that something else had to end. Right. No another new beginning had to come to an end for a new beginning to start. So I want to use this week to honor, you know, letting go and detaching, matching somebody energy, why that's a waste. And like making just, better choices so that you can still grieve that old you and leave some so many things in the

past, but also what to take with you into the next year. Because we have Masha on next week, and I can't wait to talk about how to manifest and bring in. So let's get ready to remove and to purge and to say goodbye and to honor the year that we had and get ready for what's to come. And I can't fucking wait, guys. As always, thank you for everything. Thank you for always being there. Thank you for the support. Seriously, thank you. And yeah, without further ado, let's get right the fuck on into it. This episode is brought to you by software. Guys, that's my clothing company.

I started software. Oh, my goodness. We're going on to seven, eight years. That's how time flies, almost eight years, seven years of me doing something that I needed to follow my heart. My mom went to the doctor with a headache and they found six brain aneurysms that rode to the top half of her vessel and watching how she persevered and how she refused to allow these diagnoses to create a narrative for her and how she really stuck it out

inspired me to create a clothing line that was something different, something that my heart actually was in, something that's sustainable, high quality made in America, literally feels like a fucking cloud and is the softest thing that you'll ever feel. It's incredibly tailored, so I always like to preface that if you're expecting your street style oversized hoodie, this ain't it. But if you want to feel like you're being hugged and have the hosiest piece around you, then software is for you. So if you go to wear software.com, W-E-A-R, softw-W-E-A-R dot com, and use the code do the work, you get 20% off anything. Every single fucking thing on the website, you get 20% off of.

So guys, thank you again, as always. And it's wear a software.com. And if you use the code, do the work, it's 20% off. And thank you guys for supporting me not only in the podcast, but in another baby that I have so that I can continue to bring you guys some fucking quality shit, whether that be with software or do the work podcast. Holy smokes, you guys. We made it.

We did it. I don't know about you guys, but when this year fucking started, I, that was a rough one for me. And like, look at where we are. I just wanted to take a second for everybody, whoever's listening right now, take a second with me to think about where you were at the beginning of the year. And whether that might be that things may have been a little better for you, things may have been a little worse. Maybe things weren't any different. But take a second to just sit with this moment, to sit with when you think about the beginning of the, you know, the end of last year. in the beginning of this year, what were some goals that you had set out for yourself?

What were some things that you said you were going to do? And instead of meeting yourself with shame and blame and saying, oh, my God, I said I was going to do all of these things and I didn't do half of them, can we meet yourself with some compassion to say that you're not the same person that showed up here a year ago? First off, this podcast didn't exist a year ago. So can we let that one sink in? This didn't even fucking exist a year ago. So for everyone out there who feels like you're just never going to get out of this

quick sand or whatever's going on. We're going to talk about more today, but the difference a year can make is like truly astronomical. So let's do a little bit of housekeeping before we dive right on into what I want to go over. Please don't forget to rate the podcast. I love you all so much. We get thousands of plays a day and I don't get thousands of reviews. And so I'm calling you guys out.

All I ask is if you're on Spotify or Apple, Spotify, there's three dots at the top. You click on them. It says where the show is, the name, and there's literally three random dots. It says, Rachel, and you just leave five stars. if you think it's worth it. And on Apple, go all the way to the bottom and you can leave review. IHeart Radio, Google, D,zer. I don't think you guys know how much it means and what it helps, how much it helps the show. And that's how I can grow and expand. Do we have ads? Yes, we do.

Yes, we do. That is something that changed this year. But you know what? That allows me to be able to now bring you guys bonus content. Next year, I have courses coming out. I changed the completely the structure of how I'm going to be working with people. I found so much success in working with people more intensively. And so I'm offering that program. And just the And so I'm asking just for this one thing, follow along on the socials, do the work podcast on Instagram and Sabrina's out Zohar on instant TikTok and just rate the show. That's it. So love you guys.

Thank you. But okay, I really wanted to kind of just talk about a little bit more what we were just talking about briefly of the difference a year can make. Now, I get it. I'm a human like you are. I understand that when shit feels really dark or when it just feels like there is just when the fuck is this going to end? When am I ever going to meet my person?

When am I ever going to feel happy? I know how it feels for those thoughts to ruminate and to just take up space. You know, I think for anyone that's new, welcome. And for anyone that's been with us or with me since this all began, I think you more than anybody know how your entire life can change in a year if you commit to yourself. And I'll explain a little bit more. This time last year, exactly a year ago, I was packing up my apartment. I moved December 29th to San Francisco.

San Diego. And so this time last year, I was packing up my apartment, morning Clem, literally not able to function. Like when Clem passed away, I just didn't think life was going to go on for me. I know that sounds dramatic, but like, I genuinely didn't. And I know that there are people out there that have an animal or a loved one does pass that understands what the fuck I'm talking about. But I really didn't believe that there was hope. And all I had to go off of was, okay, I can't let this person leave in vain. That's all I kept remembering this person, this dog, is Clem was. He was that close to me. He was like a person. And I just made that commitment to him that I was going to work on myself this year more than I ever had. And then I was going to commit to myself because I used him as an excuse. I used him as a crutch. I used him for so many things of like, oops, sorry, can't have the dog or oh, yep, can't have the dog. And now I didn't have any more excuses. And I was fucking terrified. I didn't have this podcast. I didn't have a following, really. I had like 100,000 followers on TikTok. I didn't have Instagram. I didn't have any of that shit. I had my own personal. I had 15,000 followers. So I had a dream like anybody else, but I knew that if I was

going to commit to myself this year, that meant that I had to really learn tools in order to do so. And so I completely dove in to really understanding the nervous system. I did Masha's course, which was fucking amazing. And that's actually helping me even create my course is because working through my nervous system. And, you know, Masha just being one of my really good friends, we talk all the time and having that support. But I don't think we give enough credit and credence to understanding that working on your nervous system and really understanding how to like work with it is huge when it comes to healing and working through your anxious attachment style. Because I thought for so long it was just in my relationships. And this year proved to me that my anxiety didn't just show up in my

relationships. And I know what you guys write in every single fucking day. No, it just shows up in my relationships. I'm totally fine. So really? So you're telling me that anytime a friend doesn't answer your text, the thought doesn't go through your head. Fuck, do I do something wrong? Are they mad at me? That if your boss walks away and doesn't say a good job, that you're not thinking, shit, do I still have this job? And I'm not talking about the normal anxiety every human faces. But sometimes we don't even realize how that anxiety can play out. And even for me, like working through my business this year, coming from nothing, literally nothing, having no followers on social media whatsoever, and just having my own following of people that I worked with privately, but being a very small

practice and very small me, right, and not taking up a lot of space. And now working through every core belief to take up space, to grow out of this container, if you will, and grow into a new one and go into something now where next year I'm equally as scared. But that doesn't mean that I don't think I can do it. I still, I can have two conflicting thoughts at once, right? We can still, you could be scared, but still also know that you can achieve goals. That it's just going to take a lot of work. It's going to take a different set of tools. That's okay. Me starting courses. I've never made a course before, but I'm going to fucking figure out how to and I'm going to give you the best fucking course that you will ever have. That's a promise. But my point being is,

if you commit to yourself and you really say I'm going to show up, then that also means that we need to let go of things that were taking up space and energy in our life before. Because we don't, how are you going to have, how are you going to make space for all of it, right? And like when I started the business, I had so many thought processes that I needed to let go of. For me, even accepting money, I know it sounds silly to some people, but receiving money for me is really difficult because I grew up in a household where money is conditional. It was used against us all the time. And I never knew if we were going to have enough. I never knew if we were going to have anything past what we had. So that was really uncomfortable for me. And so now working through that, that just meant that I needed

to support my nervous system a little bit more. And I needed to really actually focus on being more in my body and being more receptive to what was going on in my body. And I'll give you an example or even a story. So some of you guys follow me on live and so you may have heard this. My dad was here a couple weeks or a week ago. And I've done so much work on myself. I haven't spoken to my dad since, or I haven't seen him since February 2021. So yeah, we had a huge fight last January. Not even a huge fight. He just, you know, fucking went off on me and because I said something he didn't like, you know, narcissistic rage is very much a real thing. And, and, And I made a promise that I was sick and tired.

I was done. And when I made that decision, when I walked away from my father, so the culprit, when I stood up to the bully for the first time ever, I completely changed the way I dated. Wow. Actually, as I say that to you guys out loud, it just hit me. That's how I'm on this journey with you is when I stood up to him last year and I said, fine, you just told me to fuck off. Well, then I will.

Please don't ever call me again. And I hung up. And that was it. And I was like, I'm done. And I cut everything with him. I cut all ties. I went off on my own. I even took like a payment of something that I didn't agree to, but I was like, you know what? I literally want to have no ties to this person. And I ate shit for months last year. But then I started to date differently because then when I started to date the emotionally unavailable people or the people that were playing games with me, saying something and walking away didn't feel as scary. Because I faced my biggest bully. I faced my biggest fear. Being abandoned by my father. Well, now anybody else is, well, they hate shit, right? In comparison, right? The one person I was terrified of leaving me all my life, I walked away from and I got to rewrite my narrative. And so we spoke again this summer because I reached out and I said, okay, it's been a couple of years.

I'd like to have a relationship with my father. And it was okay, shallow for a while. And then when he came to town at first dinner was amazing. And then we went out for coffee after and, you know, that's when he started his bullshit. And like, we have our own family dynamics and he started to lay in. And I felt dysregulated and I felt anxious and I felt all of those things. But what I also felt was so fucking proud of myself because I haven't done all this work on myself. And I don't advocate for people to do work on themselves because it's going to change the way that things are in your life.

And what I mean by that is I didn't do this thinking that my dad's going to change. I didn't do this thinking that, please, if you were going to fucking change, he would have done that, what, 30 years ago and been the father that I needed him to be. You know what I mean? Like, let's be realistic here. So I did this because this was for me. I needed to show up differently because if I change my dance steps, well, then you can't still use the same bullshit excuses because he tried. He tried to use the same shit and you tried to gaslight me and tech guy was there and my siblings, my sister was there and we all saw it. And he got, and I even said

a boundary. I finally looked at him because he called me a dumb dumb. And I said, I am so tired of you calling me names all my life. You had, you've called me a piece of shit or stupid or a fucking idiot or all of these different names. And I was like, even now dumb dumb. I said, you keep. saying, oh, it's a translation thing. Oh, I was kidding. And I was like, no, what you were being was hurtful. And I'm setting a boundary right now. I'm treating you with respect and I demand the same respect back. Otherwise, I'll get out of this table. And that's okay. And he was like, you're setting an ultimatum with me. And I said, no, no, no, no, that's not an ultimatum. I said, this is a boundary. I refuse to be spoken to like this. So if you'd like me to continue this

conversation, you need to speak to me with respect and stop calling me names. And I was so proud of myself, not because, wow, he changed. No, of course not. He went right back to the same bullshit. I changed. I changed the way I saw things. I left saying, oh my God, I've never in my life been so self-aware of my anxiety in my body. I've never in my life been so self-aware of how this manifested and what it felt like. And that's my point with you guys. When you start to do this work, it's not so that when you go out and date all of a sudden you're having these kumbaya moments and then come to Jesus moment and you just meet that the stars align and the sky's part and you meet this person and they come out of the clouds. It's like, we need to come back to reality.

this just means is that you show up differently and now you have a different set of tools to be able to handle this. So now let's talk a little bit about something that I've been wanting to hit on. And somebody had actually written in and said, hey, I think this would be a great episode. She was right. And that's about matching energy because we're entering into 2024, right? And so it's like, I have a big proponent of what are things that you want to leave behind? What are things that are no longer serving you? And to me, the first thing that comes to mind is this first, first off, the nonsense in the garbage of anything that comes into 140 characters or less. Stop trying to make things a fucking bumper stigger or a slogan.

No, not all fucking cap or not all Gemini suck. You know what I mean? Like, no, if they wanted to, they would. So it's the same with match that energy. We all know the fucking Kristen Cavaliery video that went viral where she is saying, oh my God, you guys, if a guy doesn't text me once, I never reach out again. And it's like, listen, girl, that's great in La La Land and in theory. You want to keep living that fucking where you keep hopping from lily pad to lily pad

because you can't actually fucking communicate with somebody effectively. Let me know the depth of your relationship. And if you are putting everything into texting, we all know how I feel about that. But I am so tired of this. I match their energy. So here's why I think matching energy is a waste of your fucking time. You get to determine who you are, right? You get to dictate who you show up as.

So if I'm going to show up as something, and somebody else isn't. Me matching their energy means that I need to do something that's not in alignment with how I do things. So if I text somebody, let's say we've been dating for, we went on one or two dates. If I text somebody and they just don't respond, it's not that I'm matching their energy. It's that, hey, they're not interested. So I'm going to move on with my day. I don't need to beg somebody for my fucking approval or to validate me.

That's why I don't. That's, okay. So if you've been dating somebody, though, and you text a guy and they don't respond, it's like, so that's it? That's it. So one message goes unrespondent. And that's it. You're just never going to reach out to this person again. I mean, hey, if they never reach out, it's not that you match their energy. You just didn't chase somebody. You didn't run after somebody who is, at the very least, not going to try to call you. Because if I, if I text my partner and he doesn't text back, it's not that I'm never going to text him again. It's that I'm hopeful either maybe he'll call me

when he sees that or I'll text him later. Hey, did you get my text from earlier? I haven't heard from you. That's not like you. I'm just going to probe or ask a question. Then if I start to realize, okay, my partner isn't answering me or this person goes to me, that's a very different story. Then that's like, okay, we have to handle this differently. But I'm just, the reason I'm not a fan of match their energy is I don't want you to have to change who you are.

You're not a fucking chameleon. You don't need to change who you are so that people will then like you or people will then come closer to you. It's about seeing if their behavior works for you. Because if you match their energy and you start to water it down, so then they don't text you, they only text you once, every four days, so I'm only going to respond back to them because they took three hours to respond to me, so I'm going to take three. You see what I'm saying? It's like, well, then where do we draw a line?

Where is the line in the sand of, well, now that just sounds immature. You know, like, I don't know about that. Now that just sounds like you're having a hissy fit and you didn't get your way, so now you're just going to have a temper tantrum. That also sounds like protest behavior. And what is protest behavior? So protest behavior in anxious attachment is actions and behaviors that individuals with anxious attachment style engage in when they feel a threat to the relationship or a fear of abandonment. Okay. So we all, we have to, now let's comprehend what that means. Okay, so that's why I'm saying.

It kind of sounds like a temper tantrum. A child that feels like they're in danger is going to act out, right? And so that could be excessive communication or like this, I'm going to match their energy, experiences, especially when they experience a setback. Or emotional outbursts, acting out and seeking attention, constantly seeking reassurance and validation, engaging in behaviors that aim to make their partner. or feel guilty or obligated to stay. This comes from insecurity.

And so that's what I'm saying. Matching their energy, that doesn't sound like it comes from a secure place. What somebody who's secure would go is, this doesn't work for me. I'm going to walk away. So I don't want you guys to enter this year of like, I'm matching people's energy.

No, I'm maintaining my vibe. I'm maintaining my energy. It's the same, what do you think I do? You think every single person that fucking listens to me on the internet loves me? Are you kidding? You met me? I'm polarizing.

Some people love me. Hey, love you guys. If you're here for me, I'm here for you. And some people can't fucking stand me. That doesn't mean I'm going to match their energy or that I'm going to stoop to their level and start acting like a child. That just means I'm going to continue to be myself and make and allow people into my life that have space for that. I don't care. Because another person's opinion of me is none of my business. I don't need to know what you think of me. That's your opinion. You're allowed to have that. That doesn't mean that I need to let it affect me. There's a difference between feedback of like, hey, if 13 people that you're dating in a row all say that your anxious attachment style is really overwhelming for them, then yeah, that's feedback.

That's something that we can utilize. But if somebody says, you know, I don't want to, you know, I'm not interested in a relationship. It's like, great. So then why are you trying to match their energy? If they're not interested in a relationship, then what that means is that they're going to be showing up differently. Right? They're not that. So their energy is going to be different. And if I'm looking for a relationship, then my energy is going to be different. because I'm going to be doing things that move and groove in the sense in the way of seeking a relationship. So that's why it's so, so, so important for us to be cognizant of things like that. And that's why it's so important for us to call this out because I don't like this match their energy thing.

And so I don't want you guys to enter in the year thinking that this is the way that we need to act. Instead, why don't we start to see what feels good for you? Who are you? Have you ever thought about a simple question I'm going to ask you is, what is it that you want? because for me, I wanted somebody that when I was who I was, when I'm myself, when I'm quirky and ridiculous and say things that I'm like, I don't even know where I came from, that person's going to look at me and be like, you're ridiculous and I love you so much. And guess what? By holding down, doubling down, tripling down on me saying I'm staying honest with myself and

I'm going to stay, remain true to myself, I brought that into my life. I now have somebody that finds me to be ridiculous and loves me for every single bit of who I am. Because me not engaging in tons of texting early on wasn't matching him. his energy. That was me regulating my nervous system and allowing something to actually grow in a healthy and secure manner. Me matching somebody's energy is they take six hours to text. I'm going to six hours to text. Oh, he's going to, he's not going to text me. Fine. Then I'm never going to text him. It's like, no, that needs to come from a place of empowerment, not insecurity. Because when we move in dysregulation, guess what happens? Shit doesn't pan out how you thought it was going to pan out.

So somebody actually, I loved this. Somebody asked, how do I make better choices, but still grieve my old self. I was like, man, I fucking love that. And the reason I love that is because that kind of plays into what I want to talk about about like detaching and how to let go of things because I think what a lot of people struggle with, which myself included was one of those people, was holding two conflicting thoughts at once. Being able to look and say, I really care about this person. I like them a lot, but I also know that they just don't have the bandwidth for what it is that I want. Instead, we look at them as like, but we like, but I want them, but I like them, but they haven't chosen me. Why, even they chosen me? What can I do to convince them? How can I

get them to like me. Why are we going through all? So if we're trying to have space in order to accept people as they are, then making better choices but still grieving your old self includes an intense amount of compassion. Because I can hold a lot of space and say, I love myself. I know that the me two years ago that used to be three years ago or four years ago that was just so anxious and living in that constantly dysregulated state, I know that I love her. And she wasn't doing this out of malice and that she's hurt. She was hurt and she needed me and I wasn't there for her. And so I'm very cognizant to that.

So I can have a lot of compassion, which is why I can hold compassion for other people. And I think a lot of people will get mad at me of like, why do you make excuses? It's like, I'm not making excuses for both, please me, make excuses. I'm not making excuses for people. I can hold compassion for people. That not everybody is ready to do the work. Not everybody sees that. Some people really do all the, and that's okay.

That's their journey. That's not my job or your job to convince them. otherwise. And guys, part of detaching, like, this is one of the videos that goes viral every fucking time is like how to detach, how to detach. Because at the end of the day, what's happening is I don't want you to attach to people. I don't want you to attach to people. People ask us all the time, like, well, when is it okay to attach then? And it's like, it's not. Because when you attach to things, then that means you're telling your nervous system, I'm only okay if I have this. Like, you attach to the outcome. That's why if things don't work out, it's hell in a handbasket.

It's like, yeah, because you've convinced yourself that it's going to be one way. And when it's not, you can't handle it. And so if we want to detach, you really want to detach from people, then we need to, first off, it starts with how it starts with how you start. You know, if we start attaching to people, that's the issue. But part of detaching is seeing, one, the situation for what it is. Take off the fucking rose-colored glasses. I am so exhausted of, but everything was amazing and this person was so perfect and everything

was great. We had the best relationship and I'm just so devastated. I'm so blindsided. It's like, really? 45 minutes later, all of a sudden, like, I'm sorry, now you have to convince me of what was so great about this person because ain't shit that we've talked about has revealed that. And usually at the end of it, what you're attached to is who you want them to be or who you think that you are or what the perception of you is when you're with them and the validation that you seek and the future that you thought you were going to have. Because what I go based on is facts. And so I want to know not potential because what's potential?

Oh, good luck. Could they be this? Yeah, I could be a fucking baller. but I'm not. You know, like I could be a lot of things and here we are. And so part of making better choices while still grieving who you are. So you're not getting rid of the version of you. You're holding space and compassion for all of the parts of you that may not have shown up in the ways that you wanted while actively making better choices and decisions for yourself, while thinking of future you and saying, wait a minute, how am I going to feel? So if I'm, you're attached to somebody,

you can't get this person off your mind. Oh my God. They're the most perfect person. in the world. Oh my God, they're everything amazing. So first off, how is that serving you? Is that making better choices for yourself? No, right? It's not. So my first question is you're so attached to this person. You're so attached. What's so amazing about them? Not what do you want them to be? So did you really feel like they were, were they really that consistent with you? So they were just amazing every single day or they were just the same person every single day. So they weren't super hot and cold or up and down or inconsistent or one minute this, one minute, that? Or were they were really reciprocal. So you guys were matching the same amount of effort and energy you were putting in.

So it was really equal. So you felt this person really showing up for you, really being there. You felt seen, heard, and understood. This person made you feel that secure and safe. They were so incredible. So if they were all of those amazing things, then even a breakup with them would embody all of those things. You see where I'm going with this. So if there are all these amazing things, then the breakup would be something that you'd be able to digest and accept because they would come to you and say, listen, here are the reasons. And you talk about it and say, okay, even if you're saying, I'm struggling, that's okay, you're a human. You can struggle and say, man, this person was really incredible. But listen, I don't want to be with somebody that doesn't want to be with me. So now this is where we have to call you out on some bullshit.

So if you're attaching to somebody and you're so attached and you're so attached and you're so attached and you want to let go, I need you to make them a real fucking person. I need you to take the shine off them. And I need you to take them off the pedestal. And how you do that is by stop bullshitting yourself. No, they weren't the most amazing person. No, they weren't all of these incredible things. I'm sure they're a lovely person. I'm not trying to villainize who this person is.

But no one and nothing on this planet is so incredible and amazing that you would need to lose days and hours and weeks of your life, pining after them what you can't have. So you're telling me, so you see a pair of shoes that you really want. You know you can't afford them. You know you don't have the money for the Birken bag. You've got, what, you know, $60,000 for a handbag? Get the fuck out of here. The average person doesn't.

Are you just going to pine after that every single day? You're just going to hate every single day of your life. You're never going to buy another handbag again because you can't, you can't get through your days because you can't have that. You see what I'm saying? You see how ridiculous that sounds? You'd be like, no, Sabrina, of course not. So that's the same.

You think that there's just this one person. There's no one else out there for you, but just this one schmo. And that's it. I can only have this person. You got to start calling yourself out on some shit. And really, the hardest part for me when I was going through everything was making the admission that I knew that this person wasn't for me. Like I would talk to my mom and she'd be like, Sprint, it doesn't even sound like you like this person.

And I would, I would, no, but he's great. He's great. And then I would stop. And I remember after the breakup, processing and being like, didn't even like them. Oh my God, I didn't even like them. But I was so enamored by the idea of them that in it I was struggling to accept and acknowledge, you're right. I don't actually really like this person. Because when I started to do that, I started to date differently.

I wasn't waiting for people to choose me. I was choosing who I wanted in my life. I was making choices from an adult standpoint to say, I like this person or I don't. Yeah, this works for me or it doesn't. Not are they choosing me? And if they do, oh my God, then I'm going to be okay. And if they don't, then it's hell in a handbasket.

And that's kind of like a lot of you guys are wrote and had written in questions. And a lot of it was how do I let go of the idea I've created about somebody or, you know, how to let go of people that don't appreciate you. And it's like everything stems back to one, what's coming up for me? What's happening for me? So if I want to let go of people who don't appreciate me, first, I need to see my own self-worth and what I actually want. Because if I want to be feeling secure around people and I have friends or people in my life that I feel completely like shit around every single time, well, then I need to make a decision to say, okay, well, then this doesn't work for me.

It's not about me expecting them to fit and how I, you know, and expecting them to be in a way that I want, or expecting them and doing things so that they'll appreciate me. Instead, I want to set boundaries and communicate my needs clearly. That way, if someone consistently fails to appreciate me, then I can reevaluate the relationship and consider letting them go. I think we have this fallacy that, like, everything and everyone has to stay in our life forever. No, there are people that are here for a reason or a season.

There are people there that are here for a one-night stand because you need to get dick down. There are people here that are going to be incredible lessons for you to realize some shit that you may not have. And there are people in this life that are going to be here for one year, 10 years, 20 years, or your entirety of it. So you get to decide who those people are, not that they choose you. And how to let go of the idea you've created of someone. So first off, we need you to acknowledge that you've created an idea of them, that this isn't actually who they are.

Because again, wow, he's so amazing, he's so amazing. Is that why this person doesn't want a relationship with you? Okay, so they're so amazing. But were they being vulnerable? They don't want a relationship with you. So then how vulnerable were they being? And then we start to see, it's like ugy-buggy. Remember an oogie-buggy, nightmare before Christmas?

You start to pull on the thread and all of a sudden it starts to come on done. Because when you stop bullshitting yourself and you actually hold people accountable and you start to see that like people are complex. If you can hold compassion, if you can look at the last person you dated that you want to fucking villainize and hate, they led me on. They did all this. If you could shed a morsel of compassion onto them, I'm not saying you have to excuse their behavior.

I'm not saying that you need to say it condone it. I never said that. But if you can look at them and say, wow, they were maybe just hurt. That was a response out of trauma. I'm not saying it's okay. Just because somebody says something that's disrespectful to me doesn't mean that I'm going to allow it. But I can look at them and say, that's your own journey. You're just not, you're not where I'm at.

And that's okay. But look how much more empowering that is. I don't need to knock myself down. But what I can do is I can honor what it feels. like in my body and then I can just accept and allow people to be where they're at. Because if you want to let go, it's actually counterintuitive. Letting go doesn't mean that you have to stop thinking things. Actually, it's quite the opposite.

Allow yourself to think them, allow yourself, to feel them, allow yourself to grieve them. If emotions come up, great, allow them. Negative, positive, it doesn't really matter. But it's a matter of how do you contain them? fine. You want to give yourself 20 minutes to lament, 20 minutes on the clock, put your sad music on and cry, but then you know at 20 minutes, I'm done. I'm not going to allow myself to continue with these thoughts. You get to choose how you show up. You get to choose the thoughts that take up space. Welcome to neuroplasticity. You can create new neural pathways, but you have to invest in,

what is it? Do the work. I really, really want you guys to hold on to this. I really, really want you to think about as this year is ending, what's behavior that you want to let go of? Okay. So let's say that's my texting. Oh, I'm so anxious and I want to text. So that means that by, I want to let go of that behavior. So you know what that means I need to do? I need to face the root and cause issue of it. So for everything that you get to let go of this year, all of these bad behaviors, but you know what you get to start this new journey with yourself? Because remember, for every ending or for every new beginning, there's an end. of something that was a new beginning. And so maybe your new beginning this year was listening

to this podcast. Awesome. I'm really proud of you. And so then maybe now what is your, what is that? How are we going to implement that? Well, so I'm going to let go of all of these. I'm going to let go of the anxieties that I had this year. I don't want her to come with me. But that just means that next year what I need to start is digging in on them. Because you're right. I want to change my behavior. I am so focused on doing that for myself. But I also know that that means I need to learn some tools. I means I need to heal through some stuff. So with every ending comes a new beginning. And I'm really excited for you guys. I'm excited for your journey. I'm excited for my journey. I'm excited to see where everything goes. There are so much newness in the works. And I'm hopeful that maybe you can make,

if you make a promise yourself if you're leaving people behind in this year, then maybe we start seeing them as a real person, take the shine off of them. And it's okay if next year you realize next year or being next week that you realize that it's the same, it's a new year, it's the same you. That's all right. But that doesn't mean you have to slip back into old behavior just because it feels a little uncomfortable. That just means now that you need to stick this out even more. And then if you've made a decision to leave people behind that aren't serving you, that you stop self-abandoning and take care of yourself and show up for yourself. So that little you knows that she can trust you this year or he can trust you this year or they can trust you this year.

and you stop falling into the same bullshit patterns that weren't serving you. And you actually start to sit with your body, allow these emotions to come up, and really be real with yourself. With so much compassion, everything revolves around that, being nice and kind to yourself. Not, oh my God, I'm so fucking stupid. Here I go again. Enough with this shit. I'm tired of this victim nonsense.

It's enough. Stop it. Cut the shit. If you had a four-year-old here and you spoke to that four-year-old like that, I would personally, I would kick your ass. Because no child deserves to be spoken to like that, nor does a human being to yourself deserve to be spoken like that. So that's also what we're leaving behind. No more.

I want you to learn some love for yourself and actual acceptance. Fine. You're a big personality. Good. Take up space. Hey, you like this weird, fucking anime that nobody else likes. Good. Be fucking weird.

Enjoy your those quirks. And start embracing and accepting who you are. That way you can hold some compassion, not just. for other people, but for yourself as well. So guys, I think this is a great way to end the year. And I hope that you got a lot to think about and some questions to probe of, yeah, what is, what is behavior I want to implement next year? Okay, so I want to be more honest, vulnerable, and open with someone. So it means you got to start implementing that. And you got to start facing some shit that would, what's scary about it? Start digging in there. And as you guys know,

I'm here if you ever need me. So if you ever need anything, go hit the link in the show notes. work with me in any capacity, get the course soon. And guys, as always, thank you for everything. Please don't forget to rate the show and have the most incredible fucking new year that you have ever had. And even if that means you are falling asleep by 10 o'clock, I am so there for you. So guys, I'll see you next year.