The Sabrina Zohar Show - 56: Timing (wrong person right time, age gaps) getting comfortable being uncomfortable and how to handle ‘what ifs’ in dating and during a breakup!

Episode Date: January 26, 2024

Happy one year anniversary The Sabrina Zohar Show!! On today's solo episode, Sabrina goes over timing (wrong person right time, age gaps) getting comfortable being uncomfortable and how to handle ‘what ifs’ in dating and during a breakup! Want to work with Sabrina? HERE! Stuck After the Podcast? Master Implementation in 8 Weeks with Sabrina's Foundation Course Join the Make It Make Sense: Getting Through a Breakup course HERE! Get Ad-free episodes and 2 Bonus episodes a month HERE! Dont forget to follow Sabrina and The Sabrina Zohar Show on instagram and Sabrina on Tik tok! Video now available on YOUTUBE!  Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formally known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A.Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Hello, hello, hello. And welcome to another episode of Do the Work Podcast. My name is Sabrina Zohar, and I am your host. Okay, big news, happy one year birthday do the work. Oh, my fucking God. I cannot believe January 26, 2023. I bought that phallic-looking mic. God damn, that thing looked like one massive dick.

And I loved it. I saw it pink and I was like, fuck it, why not? And I took a photo in my apartment and I was like, eh, let's see if anybody listens to this. And a year later, I cannot believe. I think the podcast was over 6 million downloads. Like my brain can't even wrap my head around this. And the community that's been built is literally my dream come true. So for every single person listening to this right now, yes, you, that's you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you times a million. Thank you for allowing me to be me. Thank you for showing up as you. Thank you for allowing me to repeat myself a thousand times because half the time I don't remember what I even tell you guys or even say hello ADD. And just thank you because you allow me to continue to do my dream every single day.

and I just couldn't be more grateful. So today for a happy birthday episode, I listened. Mama heard you. You guys, for anybody who doesn't follow along on the socials on Instagram, do the work podcast, go follow, go follow. I ask a question right before every podcast. I ask, like I mentioned what the episode's going to be about, who's going to be on, and then I ask questions.

You guys wrote in some really awesome questions and you gave me some really good ideas for a solo episode. And today we're talking about, Timing. Is it the wrong person right? Time? Vice versa. Age gaps? Getting comfortable, being uncomfortable and how to handle what ifs in dating and during a breakup. Ah, guys, I don't know if you remember. My first video to really go viral big ever was about the yellow cap theory and proximity and timing and Mama Zohar's famous words. And I think a lot of us have always hoped and believed in wrong timing, right person and all that shit. But I'm here to at the very least give you my thoughts on it. So I'm excited. And guys, as always, thank you,

thank you for rating the show. Please don't forget to rate the show. It's how I can grow. It's how I can get bigger guests because if I keep climbing the ranks and keep growing, then they will want to be on the show. Thank you guys for supporting the sponsors. It's how I can keep the show free for you guys. I'm so amped for everything to come next year. So many things, or this year, next year. I don't even know what day it is. Who the fuck am I trying to kid? Let's get right on into the episode. And guys, you know, as always, everything's on the show notes if you need anything at all, please don't hesitate. And don't forget to follow on the social so that we can keep having some fun with these questions because I love it. You guys,

there's so many amazing episodes to come, especially for Valentine's Day. So I'm just amped. Thank you guys for everything. Thank you for sharing this. Thank you for reading. Thank you for listening. And thank you for being you because that's what the fuck we're here for. And that is why I am here. All right. Without further ado, let's get right the fuck on into it. This episode is brought to you by software. Guys, that's my clothing line. I started software in 2017 after my mom went to the doctor with a headache and they found six brain aneurysms that corroded the top half of her vessel. And they gave her a three to five percent chance of survival. And in that time, I lost my job. I hit rock bottom. And I just wanted to create something to make

her comfortable. And in the hospital, she kept saying, everything is uncomfortable and everything bothers me and my skin is so sensitive. And I don't want mesh and I don't want paneling. I'm not a child. Can I just have something basic? And so I created software. It's sustainably made. It's all made right here in Los Angeles from start to, we say from thought to thread. Everything. Our fabric or manufacturing, our hang tags, our labels, every single thing is made on U.S. soil, including our yarn. Like, it all comes from the States. It's all sustainably made right here in L.A. using non-toxic dyes, and it literally feels like a cloud. So, yes, it's tailored. It's fitted. It's the comfiest basics you're ever going to wear.

And once you put them on, good luck getting out of them, especially when you're home and cozy. So, guys, you guys get 20% off software. So it's Ware Software, W-E-A-R.com. And if you use the code, do the work, you get 20% off your purchase. So again, that's Wheresoftware.com. And if you use the code, do the work, you get 20% off your purchase. It means the world. Thank you guys for supporting a small company and actually helping keep American manufacturing alive and help keep a dream alive. And so for that, I can't wait to keep you guys cozy and bring you guys a hug that you

need so bad anytime you need it every time you put on software. Hi, friends. Another week. Actually, this is a really special week. I'm so excited. Welcome to the podcast, guys. New, old. I'm so excited to have you.

And for anyone who doesn't know, do you know what today is? Today, on the dot, January 26, 2023 was the first episode of Do the Work podcast. I literally can't fucking believe that this is our one-year episode on a Friday as well. What are the fucking odds, guys? And can we even see like from where this podcast was a year ago, where you guys were a year ago? So for anybody that's been listening from the beginning, let's take stock for a second. Let's be really proud. Like call out some wins.

I mean, at least for me, I'm like, okay, I went from nothing. I went from buying a mic on Amazon and asking my friend how to even plug it into my computer to one of the top podcasts in the world, not just in the U.S., on all the charts. Like, that's fucking insane. And my point being, I'm not here to fucking boast my ego. Like, I don't give a shit. But trust me, I'm plenty of people to knock me down. Well, what I'm trying to do is share that like, look how much can happen in a year.

You know, I think we so like I share this the same messaging over and over and over again. Like your life can change in a year. Your life can change in a year because I think so many of us need that reminder that wherever you are now, Mama's famous saying is for now. You're not going to be in this good or bad. You have to remember when you're high, you can come low. And when you're low, you can go high. Like what goes up must come down. That's welcome to the ebbs and flows. And welcome to my goal when I started Masha's course and was, you know, going over the nervous system, my main goal was like, how can I support myself through the ebbs and flows? How can I take care of myself when things are really amazing and high, but also be okay when things are low? And this entire

journey has taught me how to handle that and how to do that. And I'm just so excited and honored to be here with you guys and share a fucking year of this journey. And I just can't wait. If this is what a year looks like, sign me the fuck up for the next five, you know? So I'm excited. But it's interesting. Just before I get off this topic, I think like, you know, now that I have, now that I have a year under my belt with this and we are just talking with Masha about manifestation, it all comes full circle. Because I remember when I started this, like, kind of like everything else that I've done. And this is the kind of the reason I'm saying this is like, this is how I started. So like every time I would talk about something business or professional, I would then relate it to my love life or to love life. And that's how I started to really get clients more being like, hey, wait, can we talk about just dating? Like, I don't want to talk about work all the time. Like can we evolve? And it's the same kind of thing. When I started this, I surrendered. I said, listen, I don't know what I'm doing, but I'm going to try. I'm going to learn as I go and I am going to be open. My goal was this podcast is going to bring me enough income to be able to replace my job. Like that was it. I kept saying, what's the life I want to live? I want to travel and I want to be on podcasts and I want to be talking to people and I want to be. That was my goal when I started. And I literally used to start and say, what does that look like? And how can I feel like? What does that seem like? What is the life that I want to live? And what's the work balance I want to have. And like, I got so fucking clear on what it was. that I wanted. And I didn't manifest in the sense of like, okay, well, I'm going to be making $50 million. Like, it wasn't outrageous. It was enough for my nervous system to say, okay, I can back this. And I didn't take the steps to get there. And here we fucking are. Now when I look back, I'm like,

holy shit, I did every goal I made for this podcast I hit and then some. And it's, again, the reason I bring this up is because welcome to life. It's not just your love life that you're going to be having these types of things. This is life in general where your anxieties are going to come up. But if we can learn to surrender and release control the outcome, it's the same with the app. I know a lot of you guys are asking, like, when's the dating app coming out? And my response is, I walked away from it. I don't attach to the outcome and things. I try my fucking best and I commit myself to things. But then when I see, I have to choose the podcast or had to give up the podcast in order to do that. That didn't work for me. And it's like, you know what? That's a great, like,

kind of parallel to dating. You meet somebody. Like when I started the app, I was bright eyed and bushy-tailed. I was like, yes, this is what I want to do. My goals. I'm here. I'm here. And then along the way, I realize, hey, this isn't for me. This doesn't work for me anymore. It doesn't balance with my life. Like, okay, and I just opted out. There was no drama. There was nothing negative.

And you move on with your life. That's how I want you guys to see dating is the problem is like, I don't attach my self-worth to my work. Sometimes I used to. I used to heavily, which is why I would be so high and low. Now it's more frustration than anything where you're just like, oh, I thought that was good. I guess it didn't do well.

But I don't look at this being like, I'm a fucking failure. And I want you guys to implement that in dating. Like just because you try doesn't mean it's going to work. The biggest risk you take is not taking a risk. It's not that, oh, it didn't work out. I knew it. Like, I get that all the time. Like, I tried dating someone that wasn't my type.

And he was an asshole. So I'm done. It's like, so you do one thing once. So when you try to walk, if you fell, that's it. You're like, well, I can fuck it. I can't walk. And you start to move and groove differently. So that was an unexpected precursor to this episode that I didn't expect.

But I wanted to take a moment to celebrate this last year. of all the ups and the downs and the highs and the lows, like, I wish it was only highs, but no, we've had a lot of lows in the world and in our, and our, just are everything that we're dealing with and in personal life and professional and all of those things, but it's, it's okay. Without the lows, how the fuck could we appreciate the ups, you know, without the downs? So, guys, happy one year anniversary. I'm so excited. And you know what, here, let's manifest for the next year.

Close your eyes with me for a second. Well, if you're driving, please don't close your eyes. but maybe just soft gaze. And I want you to see where you're at right now. And take stock. Just, okay, what's going on in my life? Am I happy? Am I happy?

Am I fulfilled? Do I feel content? Do I wake up every morning saying, okay, I'm excited to see what's going to happen? Or am I living for the weekends and dragging my feet? And the reality that I'm living is not the mental state that I have. You know, like I want something and that's not what it's manifesting. And then I want you to think about what it is that you do want.

Just see it. Just feel it. I don't need you to get specific. in the sense where like, I don't need to see your partner's hair color and eye color and where the beauty marks are on their face. I need you to have just a vision of a, just a huge, whatever it is that you want and desire. And how does it feel just to receive it? Just sitting with that for a second of like, wow, yeah, I'm really excited. That's the energy we're holding on to. Because it's not that, because when you meet people, it's not, but where isn't that? It's, no, I'm excited for this feeling. I know I'm

going to have this. I know I'm ready for this. And I'm not going to go for anything less. So anything that doesn't feel like this, I'm good. It's not, this isn't what I want. This isn't where I'm going. That's okay. We're all on a journey here. I'm with you. I'm not where I want to be.

And how boring if I were, right? Imagine if you were all healed and shit by now, you've accomplished all your goals by the time you're in your fucking 30s. And you're like, oh, what's the? Then you look like Tom Cruise trying to like push yourself to do things to be like, all right, I need to feel something. You know, give me that high. So guys, thank you.

Thank you for letting me rant for the last one and 10 minutes. And thank you for a year of amazing. as always, things have changed. This year, we're going to do bonus content. Tech Guy and I are starting a new subscription show. And we're going to be going over giving you tons of like how to be in a relationship. What does it mean to be in a relationship? How to navigate relationships. A lot of on those episodes. But then we're going to do Q&A. You guys are going to write in your stories and your questions and we're going to have a call in center that we can like answer stuff for you guys and go back and forth and do live profile audits. Like the ad free and subscription bonus will be out hopefully in the next couple of months. We have a course coming out. My website's being made. Like there's so much new. Masha and I are building.

a course. Like there's so much coming up. So just stay in tune, join the email list. Follow along on the socials. Please do the work podcast, Sabrina.com. Sabrina.com. Instagram and TikTok's just Sabrina.com. Follow along for everything. And like I said, the email list for sure so you can actually be up to date in case TikTok shuts down or we don't know what the fuck is going on. And as always, guys, I'm still taking clients. If you want to work with me, everything's in the show notes. You can always work a book a one-on-one, buy a package, join the Unlimited. The Unlimited has been fucking amazing. I'm obsessed with it. And I love having my clients that I could talk to all the time. and I can see the growth.

Consistently, the three-month mark is where I'm starting to see everyone's being like, I, okay, I got it because it takes time to create repetition. Or as always, you can ask me a question or get a dating app audit. So everything's available. Whatever you guys need, link in bio. And there's a free guide. So go check it out. I made a new one last week.

So, all right, guys, without further ado, I had a lot I wanted to talk about this week. And I think that we're going to shorten it a bit just because we spend so long having a little kumbaya moment reminiscing. But I really wanted to talk. I'm going to go bit by bit. First off, I wanted to bring up timing. Y'all ask about this a lot. A lot, a lot, a lot. And I really, like, what I try to do is I take cumulatively, like, what do people ask for the most? That way I can then start to say, okay, how am I able to help you guys the most that I possibly can? And I think timing is something, whether it's

wrong person, right time or, like, age gaps. I get those two questions kind of the most often. So let's just go first on age gaps because I'm like shocked how many people ask this. So listen, If you are in your 20, if you are 25 and younger, like if you're 20, 18, 19, 20, and you're dating somebody 10 plus years older than you, I'm sorry to me that's grooming. I used to be her. When I was 18, I dated a 45 year old. And you know what? When I remember the way he fucking spoke to me, like, 18, 19 or I was 19 and I was like, I was daddy issues. But I, like, he was the way he would speak to me, like, talk about grooming. He was prepping me and getting me ready because I was young. I was impressionable. I was naive. I didn't know anything. I didn't know any better. I didn't know about dating. So I think those types of age gaps, like I, you know, if you're fucking 35 dating a 20 year old, like, I need you to stop and ask yourself, what the fuck do we have in common? What do I, like, I've had clients that'll say then they've admitted they're like, they're like, makes me feel young, makes me feel good about myself. And it's like, okay, low self-esteem. If it's coming from ego, that's cool, you're still never going to be satisfied. Because if you're dating somebody that's, you're doing that out of ego, well, then when the ego gets it satisfaction, when you get the girl, well, then that's going to fade because then you're going to be like, well, but I don't actually like her. I just liked what I get did for my ego. So then there's no. longevity, then you're always going to be chasing that ego trip because you're chasing a feeling. So, and like, not in the good way. You know, like, we want you to, we want you to look for a feeling of what you've been trying

to manifest, but that builds over time. That's like when you're dating somebody, not a specific feeling of, I need a high. And so I'm actually stalked. How many people ask? Like, if you're dating somebody, if, like, I'll get this. I'm like, I'm a 22-year-old girl dating a 26-year-old guy. Is that okay? It's like, of course it's okay.

You're in the same fucking, you're in the same generation. Like, if you're millennials, cool. You guys understand each other. But if you're like a, like, I'm sorry, if I'm 33, if I were to talk to an 18, 19 year old right now, I'd be like, I'm sorry, what the fuck bet. I don't know what that mean. You ate that. What, did I eat it?

Oh, I did a good. Did I do something right? Like I sound like Mr. Magoo. I sound like her parents being like rad. What's rad? But it's true. I don't fucking relate to that generation.

They're all on their phones and their Snapchat and their book. And I'm like, I'm good. So it's like, that's where I'm saying with the age gaps. Or like, I'm 33. if I was going to date someone in their 60s or 70s, like, hey, if you want to do that, sure, but like, think about what's the life that you're going to have? You want to have kids? Okay.

What is this fucking? What was the big daddy? Like, you're going to have somebody that's your grandfather that's going to be of age? And that's okay if you want that. But like, we just need to be realistic. And so I think with age gaps, it's like, you're in a grown-ass adult. You do whatever the fuck you want to do. So if you want to date somebody that's older, cool.

You don't heed my warning. I don't give a shit. Go live your life. But I want you to look at what are my intentions. you know like but I think it's in your age gap anything in that it's like it's not the end of the fucking world you know like tech guys four years older than me great like but we understand each other when I talk about movies and music and my stuff things that formed me for my childhood he doesn't look at me being like what the fuck you talking about he's like oh my god I love that that's what I wanted

someone I had stuff in common with I didn't want somebody because the reason I when I was in my early 20s dated somebody older was because I didn't have any fucking self-esteem and I didn't trust myself so I thought that they were older and they knew better and that they could save me hello I was I wanted someone to groom me. Teach me how to do all this. Yeah, no. So that's that. Now let's talk about the infamous, right, person, wrong time. I find that could be copious amounts of bullshit. I do. And now here's why. Timing and proximity, my mom has been saying that to me for years. And like, that's the whole the yellow cab theory, the first video I ever really like did that went viral, viral, viral, like fucking 20 or 12 million plays. Like, I wish that day would come back again,

but, you know, God forbid. Thanks, TikTok. But is the yellow cab theory. I don't know if you guys are very if you've seen sex in the city or if you've seen any other fucking TV show and pop culture. And what is that? That the cab theory is that when a man's not ready, when somebody or just somebody, or they're saying men, but when people are not ready for a relationship, it doesn't matter. If you get in when their cab light's not on, that it, you ain't winning. You ain't getting the person. But the first person, and it's figurative, it's not literally. And I think people take these things so literally, which is why I hate this shit. Like I'll say, you know, the first person, to get and gets them. If you were like, oh my God, I don't just take the first person.

It's like, so you don't know what nuance. You don't know what like figure of speech means, do you? I'm not talking literally the first fucking person that you meet when you get back on the apps. But what my point is, the first person you have a vibe, a connection with. If you're open to a relationship, then you're like, oh, okay, cool, I'll explore this. Because you're fucking ready. Tech guy used to say this all the time. He would have girls and he would tell them straight up. Listen, I don't want a relationship. You are more than welcome to continue. Like, I'm here and I would love to keep seeing you and hooking up and doing all that. But if you think that you're going to try to change me, I'm here to tell you right now, that's not going to happen. So save your energy.

And he would have girls that would be like, challenge accepted and I want to get you. And then they would get upset with him after and be like, but I don't understand. You led me, you know, you string me along. And he's like, I never did anything like that. He's like, I told you straight up from the beginning. I don't want a relationship. Please stop trying that. And it's like, when that happens, it doesn't, I don't care if you think that you're the queen of Shiba. You cannot change someone else. You cannot change somebody else. It's the same as like, It doesn't matter if you, if somebody is not ready to receive, I think that's a little arrogant of us to think, well, I'm so amazing. I can change people. Again, did that work when you were a kid? Were you able to change your parents? No. So stop trying to change other people in your adult life. It's not your, you have to remember like Alexis was talking about on the podcast, the neuroscientist, your amygdala was created out of trauma. So of course it's going to try to do the same things. Your amygdala cannot differentiate between the trauma now versus the trauma then. All it sees is, oh, well, maybe if we can change this person, well, then all the pain from the past will go away.

And the reality is, if somebody is not ready, I, here's the thing, tech guy and I've talked about this. We love each other. This is an amazing connection. We're really happy with each other. But if you asked me in all of my dating, is this the best connection I've ever had? No. I've had guys where it's like, you had to pinch me because I didn't think I could ever jive with someone that way. But and same with tech guy. But like, that person wasn't ready for relationships. So you move on with your life. When I met Tech Guy, we both really care about each other. We work. It doesn't mean. that I don't love this person. And I think we need to talk about that. Like, it doesn't mean that just because you can look back and say, wow, that was a really beautiful connection I had with that

that person that wasn't ready. It doesn't mean that the person that you're with now, you're like, mah, that's mediocre. No, that's called being a fucking adult and a human. You don't always, it's like, well, I like that I like that odd job better, but I'm not going to say that. It's like, no, you do your fucking job. Okay, I couldn't get that other one that I thought I wanted, but maybe this is what I need. And I'm happy with this. And so I think there's like, holding two conflicting thoughts at once seems to be a challenge for a lot of people. And I get that, because that's a true sign of. growth being able to do that. And I'm not pooh-pooing on people. I'm not saying if you're not,

like, if you're not there, that's okay. But that is the goal is to be able to get to a point where we can hold two conflicting thoughts. And when it comes to timing, I wish, babes, that all you needed was love. I wish that all you need is love. It's not enough. Because what makes, what makes somebody right for you is that they are in the right time. Like, think about it. If I met tech guy and we didn't work out, I wouldn't be like, who right person, just wrong timing. Listen, think about the guy that I met at the same time as Tech Guy. And he said it's bad timing and I'm just not ready and I'm going away and I'm doing all this. Imagine if I had waited for him. Could you imagine who I would have missed out on Tech Guy? Again, doesn't mean that me and that other guy didn't have a great connection.

I really enjoyed it. But then Tech Guy and I developed an even better one. Timing wasn't right for that guy. Timing wasn't right for me. That doesn't mean that he was the right person. No, that means that what makes somebody right for you is that they're in your life at the right time. That's why Tech Guy and I are right for each other. Not because if we had met a few years ago, we would not have been. And now here's a thing. If you have somebody like, I get a lot of people like, oh, but years later, it's like, listen, if you met someone in college and then years later, you reconnect, sure, maybe it's better timing and maybe you guys can give it a try. But that's, you notice how usually when those situations happen, like, I have a lot of friends that like married

their high school sweet arts years later, you know, they got, they reconnected, you know, 10 years later. Like my brother and his college girlfriend, they didn't end up being together, but like, they didn't look at it as, oh, you were the right person just wrong timing. They looked at it as like, it didn't work then. And then you're like, oh, wow, hey, great to reconnect. I want you guys to drop this because what this does, it's like the soulmate shit and the twin flame stuff. It keeps you holding onto somebody for longer than they need to be in your life. Because then all of a sudden, you're enamored by now, all of a sudden, no, but that person, that person, you put them on the pedestal.

When here's the thing, the person that you were and you dated them, it's not the person that you're going to be if they come back in your life. So you're telling me, you haven't grown at all. So when this person walked out and you started to process who they really are, you started to make them a real person. You didn't grow from that point. So a year later, if it's the, if they come back into your life, you haven't looked back, because I'll tell you this, the girl that I was when I met the guy, right around the same way, tech guy, I'm not the same girl now. I would look at him and say, hey, wow, totally get like, I think back on that time and I'm like, I still had some people pleaser in

me. When he told me he was going through all these and I was like, no, but I can be there for you and I can't, and I was above my pay grade. I can't, I can't help somebody. I need a partner, not a project. We're both, me and tech I are both dealing with our shit, but we're dealing with our shit. I couldn't handle somebody who wasn't in therapy and wasn't dealing with it and had all these demons. He was bringing up stuff from like 15 years ago. And I was like, no, you need to figure, you need to like work through your shit. You're just walking through life thinking that time is just going to heal it all. And it's like, but you haven't done anything with that time. And so we need to look at when something ends, stop looking. This is the wrong, great person, wrong time.

It's like you're holding on to somebody because you like the idea of them. But I want you to think about the evolution that you're going to have and look back. Are you going to be, because you know what, that's the same thing. When I had that guy that I was dating 2022. I have told the story where, you know, he was emotionally unavailable. And when he came over, I had his stuff ready and I told him to leave. And, you know, we had met long distance, yada, yada. And when I was going to go back out with him, like six, seven months later, I remember, like, I was the one that reached out to him being like, I miss you. And I've been thinking about you and he was like, hey, I'm back in L.A.

Like, let's get dinner. I want to talk and blah, blah, blah. And I remember thinking like, okay. And then, like, it was the same behavior. Like, he was super. He didn't text me at all. And then like the night of at like six o'clock when we're supposed to. to meet at 70s like, hey, running two out.

Or it was like a couple of, he was like running three hours, two hours late. Could we actually do 8.30? And I was just like, I remember dropping my phone saying, oh my God, no, I'm not interested in this. And I just wrote him back and I say, you know what? I think it's best that we don't meet. I don't think this is a good idea. And he just was like, okay, didn't even give a shit.

And I met tech guy two months later. Because I stopped for a second and I was like, it's not right person, wrong time. This person isn't for me. This person hasn't changed. I've changed. I've evolved. This doesn't work for me. I don't want somebody that's so dismissive of my, you know, this is the first time I'm seeing you after like 10 months after we have this whole big hella balloon.

We're supposed to have a reconnecting dinner and a couple hours before you push it to 8.30 and potentially then the next day saying, well, if that doesn't, maybe we could try tomorrow instead. Well, no. I stopped caring so much about somebody else's schedule and started giving a shit about my own life. And so I think when it comes to the timing thing, we got to drop this shit. Drop it. Right person, wrong time. No. If it ends, let it end. If it ends, let it end. If this is meant for you, release it. Let the universe bring it back. Should this person be ready for you? You walk away saying, I did the best

I could with the information I know. I'm going to move on with my life. If this person's meant for me, great. So it resurface. And if not, that's okay. I'm good on my own. And I think that's kind of part of like getting comfortable, being uncomfortable. Like, I think that's the biggest aspect here, because then we go into the what ifs. You know, then I start to hear about like, but the what ifs of what if like somebody had written in saying but like what if you know i'm stuck on the what ifs it could have been different and it's like just because it could have been different doesn't mean that it would have been so according to the hanan clinic chronic what if thoughts are a habit that we have learned either from traumatic experiences that we now deem it necessary to go over and over every possible

what if scenario in case it happens again or are from repetitive thinking that we've gotten into a habit of doing. So the whole, pretty much what their whole, the whole point of what they're saying it, it's a coping mechanism. Asking what if and getting so on guard what you're trying, your brain's trying to keep you safe. Think about every scenario that could possibly go wrong so that we can't keep you safe because we can't handle uncertainty. Think of it. That's ruminating and spiraling thoughts and things like that. So that's why, what do you think I do? When I say lean into it, I always am like, what's the worst that can happen? What's the worst that can happen? When you're so uncomfortable in this discomfort. What's the worst that can happen? It doesn't work with this person.

That's the worst case scenario. That's your worst case scenario that this person just doesn't work with this person or they walk away. Because then I want you to stop and go, huh, wow, this is having the same emotional reaction that's coming up from if my parents were to leave me. Because here's a thing, you're not dating mom or dad. You're projecting onto them that this is the same pain because the feeling feels the same. The abandonment wound feels the same. But that's the thing. But that's That's because it's been unprocessed. You're not dating mom or dad. The ride that steals the spotlight every time it hits the road,

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when we have to start to learn to toughen their fucking skin to be uncomfortable through growth. Growth requires doing things that are different. Again, you go to the gym every day. You're going to tear muscles and start to rebuild and repair it. That's painful. It's uncomfortable. I'm sore.

I have all this drug. I'll have all these fucking the shop, my whatever. I forgot with my bodywork guy. What he always says. and it's all the fucking fluids and da-da-da-da-da-da. Yeah, it's uncomfortable. But I know I'm growing through that discomfort because I have to put myself through those situations.

I have to create otherwise. Then what? You're just going to go through everything being comfortable in your discomfort. Everything is you're just so fucking scared. You're like a glass bubble. Everything can break you. Instead, it's like, wait, yeah,

what am I so scared of? Facing that fear of that discomfort. Of that person. Okay, the person leaves me. Yeah, what is so scary about that? All right, so that I'm single? What's so scary about being? saying start to challenge.

You chase the thought. Okay, what's the scary about that? Do we go to the next thought? What's a scary about that? Well, you start disgrunt and you're like, oh yeah, that's true. Like, what am I so scared of? The feeling?

Okay, well, I can handle that. And then if you say, yeah, ask yourself, like, could I handle this? If this person leaves, you're going to tell me, you can't handle it. You've never been, you've never had somebody leave you. You've never been dumped. You never got some. You see what I mean?

We have to, so by asking these questions, what we start to do and when we start, because when you spiral and you ruminate and all that, we need to ask these questions to kick on the prefrontal cortex to start getting decision-making and common sense going. We need you to start challenging those thoughts and asking these questions because if you could start to name and identify, you turned on logic brain. Now you can start to say, yeah, that's true. Wow, wait, I'm a little, I'm acting like a child, aren't I? Because I think a lot of us,

our reaction comes as if you're like a three-year-old that your parents left in a room alone with no lights. Yeah, that kid's going to fucking lose its shit because it's terrified. That's not you. You're a grown-ass adult dating schmows that you meet on the internet. You don't know who these people are. You have no idea who the men, the women, the vase are. So why are we acting like, this is your parents? Because it's triggering your nervous system in the same way. That's what I mean by like, we got to get comfortable being uncomfortable. That when these feelings are, I can't be so fucking terrified of feelings and emotions. It has to be, wait a minute, I want to face this head on. What the fuck is going on in my body? What's happening for me? And then starting to ask

yourself, what's the best case scenario that can happen here? What's the best thing that can happen here? So if I, okay, that I don't get this person. Okay, so what could be the best case scenario? I learned something about myself. Wow. I was able to challenge myself through things that normally in the past caused me a lot of distress. Again, healing isn't linear. It's not like you're going to all of a sudden turn in and be like, oh my God, that's it.

I'm healed. Wow. I've made it. Congrats. This isn't the top of a mountain that you reach and you can put a fucking flag. Part of growth and being uncomfortable and all that in the dating field is knowing that there are no fucking guarantees. Trust me, when I started my business,

when I started this podcast, when I started everything, did I think that I, did I know where this was going to go? No. But I knew that I was going to be okay, no matter what, because I trust myself that I'll figure this shit out.

So same with dating and relationships. None of us have a fucking manual. That's why I'm saying, there are no rules. There's no guidelines. We're creating them, right? You know, like, we're now in that position.

But there's nothing out there on the market that's like, this is it. You follow these protocols. So we have to now understand that like, with all this is going to come. Lots of what ifs, lots of uncertainty, lots of questioning ourselves, lots of, wait, what am I doing?

What am I? That's okay. But what do we do with that information? And if you start to spiral in the what if thoughts and especially during a breakup, what if, what if, challenge it. Just because it could have been different doesn't mean it would have. Okay, so if I acted different. Oh, well, if I hadn't said this, he wouldn't have blown up.

Well, how do I have proof to back that up? Because I didn't think that when I said this to begin with, that person would have blown up. Because I get it. I so understand that we want to blame ourselves and shame ourselves for everything. but blame and shame, shame especially is something that we grew up with. Think about even the fucking trolls on the internet, shaming women for exploring their body, shaming women for hooking up with people. Shame.

If you grew up in a household where everything was, how, God, how could you? Oh, no, you shouldn't do that. The should. How could you shouldn't be doing it? You should know better. That's shaming somebody. And then we learn that. We have to remember now, that's what I mean, too.

Like, as you grow older, as you start to do this healing journey and you start to look and go, wait a minute, I always ask me, where'd you learn that from? I don't get angry with people anymore that they have beliefs because it's like, okay, somebody taught you that belief, right? You learn that from something, whether it's your parents or an inspirational speaker or somebody. Somebody taught you this. You didn't just fucking create this on your own.

So get curious on that and yourself too. But really, I want you to start thinking, what's the worst that can happen? They don't call. Okay. So that's it. Again, if your mood can so easily be dictated by someone else's actions, you fucked.

You're fucked. That's it. Then somebody else can control you. Because if somebody, all somebody else is do is do different actions and you act differently, wow, they can't control every aspect of you, can't they? They just have to start acting differently to get you to act differently. What we want to goal here is part of getting uncomfortable, being comfortable with discomfort is creating those coping mechanisms to hold you through that so that you can start to trust yourself that you're like, I've been through stuff. Think about all the stuff you've been through. Is what you're going through now going to be what, breaks you is the situation that you are in now going to be the end all be, I'll going to be the one to say, well, that's it. That's it. No. And it's funny, today I really wanted to go over expectations in dating and we just didn't have time because I think that's going to be in it of itself the next solo episode

because that's a whole other thing that I really want to get into. When we expect things, we set ourselves up for failure. And guys, everything that I'm doing, the podcast, all the content, everything I create, my goal here is to help you have a better dating experience and to actually bring you closer to the person that is what you say you want. That's it. So what that means is we got to overhaul some shit. We got to rethink some stuff. We got to really get comfortable with discomfort. We got to get comfortable being doing things that are like, hey, growth means doing things that we've never done. Okay. So if that includes speaking up, setting a boundary, telling somebody

something. I'm going to be doing more episodes of Tech Guy too. Like a lot of you guys have been asking and like we're hearing it of like, hey, can you do more stuff about relationships, like now that we're done with the dating phase, it's like, I want to support you guys in different journeys. Now it's like, how do you speak up? How do you share with somebody what it is that you want? What's going on? How are you feeling? This is all part of going through discomfort, being uncomfortable, doing something that but you need to do. If you've, yeah, when you're a kid, you can't ask your parents, well, here are my needs and if you can't satisfy them, I'm going to walk away. You can't fucking do that. Who knows what'll happen to you? But as an adult, you can because

you're not dating your parents. But that's for another episode. So my babes, I hope this was able to help. I hope that you guys were able to extract some stuff from this. And I am just so excited. We've got so many amazing episodes. I'm booked up through July for the podcast. Like I've got all of our guests organized. We've got some huge Dr. Nicola Pera's coming up.

Dr. Romani's coming on. Matthias is coming back for a solo episode. Like I'm just fucking amped. I'm so excited. Guys, please don't forget to rate the show. Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please. Don't forget to rate the show. Five stars on Spotify, Apple, Amazon, Google,

everywhere. It is found and follow along on the socials. Share it with your friends. and just listen to it to the end, even if you just leave it on silent for a couple of minutes at the end, it doesn't matter. But that's what helps us grow so I can get bigger guests and be on others and continue bringing this to you guys for free. Don't forget to share it. Thank you for helping with our sponsors and supporting our sponsors and supporting the show. I love you guys so much. And thank you guys for everything. And as always, I hope you have the best fucking week. And until next time, my friends.