The Sabrina Zohar Show - 6: FIVE hard truths in dating we all need to hear

Episode Date: March 3, 2023

This week Sabrina talks about 5 hard truths in dating we ALL need to hear. From texting in dating to ghosting, Sabrina breaks down each of the truths and gives a different perspective on dating.  Want to work with Sabrina? HERE! Stuck After the Podcast? Master Implementation in 8 Weeks with Sabrina's Foundation Course Join the Make It Make Sense: Getting Through a Breakup course HERE! Get Ad-free episodes and 2 Bonus episodes a month HERE! Dont forget to follow Sabrina and The Sabrina Zohar Show on instagram and Sabrina on Tik tok! Video now available on YOUTUBE!  Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formally known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A.Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host of Do the Work Podcast, a podcast, a podcast all on dating, anxiety, and what doing the work really means to heal your shit. today we are going to be talking about five hard truths about dating it's a video i did on tic-tok that went viral and i think we should expand on it talk more about it and really get down to the fucking nitty-gritty about the truths behind dating and some of the shit that we need to debunk so let's get going here we go episode six i'm so fucking excited to see how this is mushroomed and grown the viewership has grown the members the subscribers it's just so fucking rad And as somebody like me who is kind of new into this world, I want to just thank everybody, first

of all, for listening. So thank you so much. Some quick callouts before we kind of jump into this week's episode. As always, please share repost, tag. Let me know how these episodes land on you, what you like, what you don't like. Feedback is always welcomed. Please share it with your friends that really, really fucking helps. And don't forget, join my Patreon if you want to talk to me directly.

You don't have to book a one-on session because I am very selective about that now with who I can work with time-wise. but if you have any questions for me or you want some one-on-one advice in a quick concise manner, Patreon slash Sabrina Zohar, you can support me as well as get your question answered. So that is my quick call out of the episode before we get hopping into it. So I think something that's really important to talk about is truly like some truths about dating and some things that I at least have discovered along on my journey, coaching other people, working with clients, just dealing with friends, family, whatever it is.

like with dating there's no rules and i think that's such a big issue now is like everybody is following a different set of these arbitrary rules that none of us have any fucking idea like what the yays and the nays are of them like what are the rules to these rules and so i think personally for me i try to come out of like what is the healthiest way i can show up in my dating life for not only myself for also for the people that i am meeting because it's not just about me it's also about how i impact other people and how i land on other people and things of that nature So I think it's really important for all of us to kind of determine, like, what is the dating experience you want to have? How do you see that, like, how do you see that outcome? And then how can you show up for it?

Because I get so many questions on a daily basis that kind of just perplex me as to like, why anybody would even want to show up in their relationship with so much anxiety and so much turmoil and so much shit that's going on when like you have just as much control over your relationship as anybody else does. It's your life. It's your relationship. And it's what you allow. So I think it's just really important. to remember that. Like when you're going out there, you show up as the version that you want people to see. So make sure it's the best fucking version inside and out. And so I did this video on TikTok the other day and it was the five hard truths about dating. And of course, it blew up. It did well, got a lot of comments on it. And I think we can expand on each of the five hard truths because I think they're worth expanding on. And so the first one that we talked about was texting doesn't need to be daily. And boy, oh boy, does that ruffle feathers. Because there's so much. that goes into this texting conversation, the subtext to it, what it means to you, what it means to the other person. And ultimately, I think a lot of people identify interest based off of text messaging. And it's like, it's such a low hanging fruit and it's such a low effort way of communicating with somebody and it's just so easy. That's why I personally don't think that weight should be put onto it. And I say that because oftentimes, like, it's a sign of codependency

very more often than not and high anxiety. If you are always waiting, for that person. If your excitement and happiness in your day comes because you look at your phone and you see their name, that is the early signs of codependency. And that is you regulate with somebody else. Your nervous system is regulated because of somebody else's actions towards you, which means you aren't capable of regulating it yourself, which also kind of brings us into this like avoid an anxious trap in situation that people get themselves into. And like something I see all the time is all this negativity towards avoidance. And it's like really what people just aren't grasping or understanding here. And that's why I always say, like, understand your attachment,

but do it for yourself, not that you can cycle analyze other people. But attachments are just how you show up for triggers and traumas. It's how do you internalize love being given and received to you and things like that? So the way that an anxious comes outwards and they co-regulate with somebody else and they try to get a connection with somebody is the same that an avoidant self-regulates and pulls themselves away and doesn't need to regulate with somebody else or have somebody there to validate them, their experiences and who they are as a person. And so I think oftentimes, like, that's really where the texting shit starts to get into play of like, oh, well, he doesn't care about me and he's avoidant and he doesn't want the connection. He doesn't want the love when it has nothing to

fucking do with that. Texting to a lot of people doesn't hold weight in their life. Like, I know that sounds crazy to people listening. And I know so many people argue, well, it takes five seconds and we're always on your phone. And we're in a generation where you're on your phone 24-7, you can send a text. If you're in the bathroom, you can send it. And I used to be from that school of thought until I had to stop and realize, one, who the fuck are you to dictate how someone spends their day and how they communicate with you? You can only say what you are willing to allow, but you can't tell somebody else how they need to behave.

What you can do is determine if that works for you. And that's the first thing. Second of all, a lot of people are on their phone for mindless shit. Like, I run my own clothing company called software. Like, I have a full-time fucking career that I have built for myself as well as my dating coaching and the podcast and all these other things that I'm doing. So for me, I'm on TikTok and Instagram because I am trying to find memes and funny shit and dogs and things that just like get me out of my every single day.

I am not trying to have heavy conversations with somebody about like how their day is or holding space for them or being there for them emotionally, physically, mentally, whatever. And that's why I always say like, yes, I think, well, can somebody respond to you? Absolutely. This isn't to say that it's okay for someone to like, you on red for three days and then eventually get back to you. Like, that's just being disrespectful and rude. That's not what we're talking about of the texting and this like that. It does engage

interest. And I think that's where people get stuck up on. I'm like, oh, well, he never responded back after two weeks. You're telling me he's still interested. It's like, no, that's a very conscious choice. Like, no answer is very much an answer. You not getting a reply. You got a reply. You just didn't get the one that you wanted or you want to listen to or hear. But you got a fucking reply. But I'm talking about there are a lot of people that don't look like at daily texting as a means of connection. They look at texting of it's just for plans. And I'm not saying everybody is like that. But again, we're here for perspective shifts.

It's about seeing things in a different light. If the shit that you've been working on and doing for this long isn't working for you, spoiler alert, try something different. Maybe something else will help you see things in a different light. And that is at least what worked for me. I fought tooth and nail for years of like, I need to have someone that texts me every single day. I need my good morning text. I need my goodnight text.

And like in a relationship, yeah, I want to have somebody like that is showing up for me in those ways. But prior to that, I don't know who the fuck you are and you don't know who I am. How many times I've gone and I've had people that are amazing first date and then you go in second, third, fourth, and you're like, oh, never mind. I actually don't know that I like this person. They just put a really good foot forward. And with the texting prior to meeting, it's you're setting yourself up for failure.

You are creating a version of them that you don't know. You're projecting it onto them. And then when you meet them, there's obviously going to be a. either devastation or a letdown. Very few people are as amazing via texted first and then in person. And then also, too, even if they are, that doesn't mean that just because they met you and had that report prior that they want to continue. And I get this all the time of like, we were texting nonstop and everything was great. And then he stopped. He completely disappeared. And it's like, no, that person decided that after they met you, they didn't want to pursue this connection.

And also, here's also something. A lot of dudes are really good at knowing, is the juice worth the squeeze here because what do you think? They don't know that if you're like withholding sex from them and that you are mean you're telling them what it is that you want in a relationship that they don't know that they need to write a check that they have to be willing to cash. And a lot of dudes are the thought process is very like, eh, I'd rather just be home by myself and I can take care of myself than get involved with somebody that I know I'm not going to want or I know I'm not going to be able to give them what they want or this is just not my thing, just all to get late. So I look at it as like it's a blessing. Truly texting every single day is not nimb.

indication of somebody's, of their intentions with you. And just because they are texting you every day doesn't mean that they want something with you. And on being able to discern between those two and also create a fucking life outside of this person. If you are literally staring at your phone wondering when they're going to text you and I know it because I've been there, and I'll tell you this right now is because I had nothing else going on. I didn't have other, I wasn't putting my energy into different things. And I have a new rule when I start to feel that anxiety with the texting, I'm like, you need to go do a workout. Anxiety is energy and I need to move that energy around and fucking what better way than to work on my body and get a better ass,

right? Like win win. So I put my energy into places that are actually beneficial for it to be versus me staring at my phone and putting myself through this anticipatory anxiety all to set myself up and then to micro analyze every single fucking thing that person said. They didn't put a smiley face and they didn't say it this way because guess what? Yet again, you are creating the scenario in your head. And then if you wonder why it doesn't work out in the end, oftentimes it's because of the

behavior that you're exhibiting that that person is also picking up. on because I've dated dudes that are super anxious that have come on way too strong and too much texting and it is such a turnoff to me because my thought process is like, what are you doing in your day? Why am I so important in your date? You don't fucking know me. You have not earned a place in my life for me to give you this much of my time and mental real estate. Now the second charred truth about dating. A date is not a commitment. A date is a fucking date. My lord, y'all, just because you go out on a date with someone, they don't owe you shit. They don't. I'm sorry. I know that people will come at me and say, but that person, no, they don't. If you have been on

one date with somebody, it is just you met this person. That's like going on a coffee, like a job interview and being like, I, you owe an answer to me. No, they don't. They were just there to see, do you work for their company? The same with dating. Dating, a first date is just to figure out if you want a second date. A first date isn't to determine that this is the person for the rest of your life. And here's a fucking funny thing about this box theory. I used to believe in it. I used to buy into the Tinks box theory and then I started talking to a bunch of dudes that are either in serious relationships, engaged, or just in general, single, whatever. I've spoken to probably over 50 guys and I've asked them all the same question. Do you believe in the box theory? And do you believe that after a first

date or within the first 10 minutes, a guy knows if he wants to either fuck you, be with you for a relationship or never see you again? And all of the man to the same thing. That is ridiculous. Someone shallow, sure. If all they're going based off is your looks, then yeah, in the first 10 minutes and the first two minutes, they can figure that out. And every guy said the same. I can figure out if I want to sleep with her. And that's the thing. A first date for a guy is he knows he wants to sleep with you, but he's trying to figure out if he wants to date you. And a girl knows she wants to date you, but she's trying to figure out if she wants to sleep with you. It's not funny how that one works, because more often the guys are going in, they'll hook up with you if they're into you physically.

But that's why I don't believe in the box theory, because it's a very shallow theory to have. even a friend of mine, he's engaged. And he was like, I didn't know to my third date that I really, like, cared for my fiance now. And he was like, after our first couple of days, he's like, I wasn't sure. I was still trying to figure it out. They had hooked up. And he was like, I was trying to kind of figure out how I felt.

Same with this other guy. He was like, it took me literally like two days to hang out with someone on this, like, group trip before I realized, wait, you have feelings for her. And like, act on it. Same with me with like any relationship I've ever had. The instant, oh my God, this is it usually is because it's a triggered response from my anxiety because I have identified within somebody. else, that charm, which is either avoidance or narcissism, because like a month to a flame,

I date my father and I go right back to it. So keep it realistic. A date is just a way for you to decide if you want to see that person again. That's a good way to keep it. Because the reason I say this and the reason I'm pushing so hard on not letting someone into your life that quickly is because they haven't earned it. And then you get demoralized and completely devastated that after one date, which is going to lead us into the next couple of things, just because after one date, you're so, completely gutted because that person didn't reciprocate, especially because you guys text nonstop before and then you went out with them and you created this entire scenario of who they are. And then when they have a normal human reaction, which is, I'm not into this.

Thanks, but no thanks. It's the end of the fucking world. Which kind of goes us to do the third thing. Just because someone wants a relationship doesn't mean that they want a relationship with you. Doesn't mean that that person that you went out with on a date was lying to you. It doesn't mean that that guy was full of shit. It doesn't mean that that dude was playing you because he told you one.

thing and then he did another. No, that is fucking dating. Dating is figuring out if you want to spend your time long term with somebody and build a relationship. And relationships are very complex and involved. I am in the healthier relationship I've ever been in my life and it is more communication than I have ever experienced with any partner. Because we're constantly putting it out there on the table of what our needs wants and desires are and to make sure that both parties involved are feeling that their needs are met, but also being realistic about what else. we can give above that. And so I think there's that fallacy of like, just because someone says, yeah, I want a

relationship, that's great. All you're learning is that you have similar intentions. Doesn't mean that you have the same intentions together. Because too, just because think about it, like that person could be super secure and your anxiety could push them to go, I don't want to deal with this. This is a lot for me and this is not. I don't want a partner where for my entire life I have to constantly validate them and be there for them.

That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you or them. That just means they are not picking up. up what you are putting down. And that's why I go back on like, just because somebody says that they want a relationship, great, that is just useful information to go, cool, at least we're on the same page about what we want. And then you can date that person to go, but now I want to know, do I want that with you or do I just hypothetically want this with somebody that I meet in my life? Because that's where, again, like, limerence is something I've been looking into a lot now and doing a lot of research. And that is essentially like getting completely enamored and upset like over it like obsessed with somebody without really even fucking knowing them.

And that is putting the projection of them onto what you want them to be versus what they actually are. And it's like a lot of people will do that because it's you want to be saved. You want the quick fix. It comes from anxiety. You also know that like that person's not going to be able to live up to it. And so it's constant disappointment when they do something that doesn't align with the vision of them that you had. then it's they're playing me or they're this or they're this. And it's like, no, on the contrary,

you need to look at yourself to realize again. Just because that person is open to something, doesn't mean they're open to it in the way that you want it too. Just because they want a relationship doesn't mean they want a relationship like you want one. And people get obsessed and enamored by somebody and get so gutted. And it's like, yeah, but you don't actually know if you were compatible. There is a very big difference between chemistry and compatibility. Same with chemistry and connection.

Chemistry is a very physical, bodily, like primal thing. connection and compatibility are like significantly more in depth of like do you have the same morals, ethics and values? Do you actually connect on a deeper level of things that you want out of life and what it is where it is that you're going? Far beyond the shallow. He's attractive and tall and cool. And my God, we could do this and we could be that and the fairy tale. And I was even fucking listening to some of the 90s like love songs. And I'm like, no wonder we were fucked up thinking that's what we could expect. We could talk about a false sense of reality. All of these Backstreet Boys songs of like, I don't care what it is. I just want you. It's like, that's not reality. So the quicker we figured that one

out, which also will lead me into our next thing of ghosting is not applicable just because somebody didn't text you after a date. Now, I know, I'm with you. Would it be nice if people were honest of like, hey, I wasn't feeling this, but thanks so much. It was great to have met you. Sure. But like, even me, I'm guilty of it. We're like, I'll leave a date and I'm like, cool. If he never text me, I don't need to text him. I'm good. That's not ghosting. That is a mutual. I'm not that interested in this person, cool, great, then we don't need to like pretend and keep this going. So ghosting is when you have been dating somebody and they literally out of the fucking nowhere, out of blue, they are gone. You had plans with them for this coming weekend. You never heard from them again.

You were dating for three or four months and you guys are in the middle of a conversation and then that's it. They drop off like nothing. Ghosting isn't, we had one or two dates and I never heard from him again. Again, people don't owe you an explanation. There's a multitude of reasons. Some people aren't great at explaining it. Some people don't even know how to conceptualize it. It's a fear of confrontation because they don't know how to handle having that conversation with somebody. And it sucks. Being on the giving side of that, it goes on the receiving side, it sucks equally. But like you're the victim and you get to be like, oh, no, poor woe was me. But then when you have to be the bad guy to let somebody know why you don't want to be with them or that you're not into it,

it sucks. You're hoping that, okay, cool, hopefully nobody says anything and they just picked it up. But there's also an element of like, again, that's not ghosting just because they didn't tell you. would it have been nice? It's ghosting if you text them like, hey, I'd love to see you again. Would you like to get together? Yeah, it would be common decency for them to fucking respond. But that's still not even ghosting. That's just, they just decided that they don't want to go out with you again. I'm not saying that that is condone that behavior and not answer. I think if somebody texts you fucking answer, let them know, hey, I think you're great. This isn't the connection I want to seek. I wish you all the best. Be an adult. But at that same token, if you put that out there,

you don't get it. It's not the fucking end of the world. Look at it as great. All right. Well, hey, thanks for making that decision for. us and thanks for letting me know where you stand in this and also not making it personal. Ghosting is not a personal thing. People that ghost, what do you think? This is the first time they've done it? This is their first rodeo. Like, and then you see them, oh, they're in a relationship a month later. Trust me, babe, they're not. The next person ain't getting anything that you didn't. Because people don't change that quickly. You don't just wake up one day and go, you know what? I'm not going to be a shithead anymore. I'm not going to treat someone like shit and I'm not going

to string them along. This next person's going to get the healthiest version of me. You only do that when you've done the work on yourself and you can identify, first of all, what it is that you, what part you even played in this? So it's like, de-personalize the ghosting experience. Again, I'm not saying it doesn't hurt. I'm not saying it's not going to suck that someone can ghost you. Yeah, it's shitty and it's infantile and it's cowardice. I'm with you. But at the same time, also no, I wouldn't treat somebody like that. So that's on me. I know that I kept my side of the street clean. I was honest. I was upfront. I expressed how I felt. I showed up in this relationship or in this situation in the best light that I could. Somebody ghosting me just tells me everything about

them. It doesn't have any reflection on me. Because again, how, why would you take something that to make that personal? Oh, I'm not good enough. So what? You think that just because that, so then why would he have even gone out with you? It does discredits a lot of those thought processes. And again, like I said, I'm not saying that it's not normal for you to feel that of course you're going to feel down. What's wrong with me? If I were good, then this person would have responded. It's like, yeah, but you're trying to make this about you when it's so much about the other person and all of their issues and their shortcomings and all the bullshit that they have to deal with. And you're trying to chalk it up into one little sentence and make it about you.

It's not. And I say this because I'm trying to help in the sense where like it's not something that should be internalized and it's not something that you should beat yourself up over. Amazon presents Jeff versus Taco Truck Salsa, whether it's Verde, Roja, or the orange one. For Jeff, trying any salsa is like playing Russian roulette. with a flame thrower. Luckily, Jeff saved with Amazon and stocked up on antacids, ginger tea, and milk.

Habaniero, more like habanier, yes. Save the everyday with Amazon. And last but not least, out of the five hard truths about dating, you are single until you have talked to your current person about not being single anymore. This isn't, we had two dates. Oh, my God, he's my boyfriend. I will never forget.

Oh, my God. I knew this girl and she was off her fucking rocker back in New York. And the entire situation was so terrifying, honestly, but like this one part I remember, she was seeing somebody that I, a friend of mine. And she said, yeah, so he's my boyfriend. And I was like, oh, wow, did you guys have the talk? Like, they'd only gone on like three dates. And she had lied.

It was like this whole thing. And she said, no, but we had sex without a condom. And I was like, oh, girl. And just spoiler alert. That's the last time they ever actually saw each other because she was fucking insane. She would like sit outside of his house and, like, like wait for him to come home and then text him so that she could be close to us. I was like this. When I say like there was a reason that that was the last time they ever saw each other.

And it was just very unsettling how she would behave. But even just that thought process of like, oh, because this person did this or said this, oh yeah, I'm his girlfriend now. It's like, no, you're not someone's girlfriend until you have the conversation to say, hey, I'm your girlfriend. Or you have, there's two different conversations you can have. You can have the exclusivity conversation, which is like, hey, I'm deleting my apps or I've decided I don't want to date anybody else because I just want to focus on you and put my energy into what you and I are doing. That doesn't mean that you're in a relationship. You're just saying, I don't want to date anyone else.

I want to still keep getting to know you. I want to see who, what we have here and what we can get, you know, what we can build here. And oftentimes, like, I, listen, I condone dating multiple people, like in the first couple of dates. Like, you shouldn't go on one date and be like, okay, that's it. I'm wiping everybody clean. Like, no, plan your fucking dates for the week. Just because you've one great date doesn't mean that you're going to ever see that person again. I have had some of the most mind-blowing dates ever, and then they'll end it the next day,

where you're like, I, what happened? Was I on a different date? You genuinely have to question, like, your own sanity because you're like, where the fuck was I last night? Because I thought that was amazing. And that's also like, just because people, oh, it was a 10-hour date. A long date doesn't equate that that was a successful date. Just like a short date doesn't necessarily mean it was bad.

A long date could be because that person's just in the moment and they're enjoying it. And also, spoiler alert, a lot of people try to get late. They'll say, you know what, listen, I'm here, right? I'm having a good time. I'll stick it out. And I've had that where like I'll have really long dates. Tech guy and I, we had an all day date, which was cool. But like that didn't mean anything to me. I was there just having a good time. We hooked up. We had we had dinner. We went on a hike. Like everything was great. I walked out of that. Truthfully, like a dude, being like, all right, well, cool. If I hear from him again, great. And had he not pursued me or like kept consistently

coming back to try to ask me out, I just been like, okay, well, that was fun. It was a great time. Didn't mean that like, just because I spent 10 hours with that person that I was like, this is it. I'm getting married. But I was having a good time in the moment. And I was trying to figure out, but are we compatible long term? Just because I can have a good time on a date doesn't mean that this is the person I want to be with for the rest of my life. I can have a great time with a lot of fucking people in my life. Doesn't mean I want to get married to all of them.

So again, like, don't look at the times of a date. It's like you are single until you are spoken for. So until you have that conversation of I'm not dating other people. Then the next conversation after that is like, I want to be your girlfriend. I want to put a title on it. I'd like to progress because what that means there is dating. And dating is the you go out on dates and you're getting to know each other and you have your cute little slumber parties and all that stuff.

A relationship is, okay, we are growing a life together. You see where I mean by the differentiation between being exclusive with somebody and then being somebody's girlfriend or boyfriend. There is different steps in the dating process that take that. Is there a timeline on this? No, not on paper. There's no rules. Again, this is that arbitrary.

Has anybody made this up? The guideline I go by is after a month is when I'm like, okay, cool. If I've been seeing someone consistently for a month, that's when it's like, great. I'm not going to sleep with anyone else. I'm not going to date anyone else. actually want to give my attention and time to this person to give it my all. And at least know that if it didn't work, I tried. And then it's like another about two months from there, like month or two, where it's like, okay, then it's, all right, I like you. We've established this. I want to meet the friends.

I want to meet the family. I want to get really involved in your life. And I want to build one together. I want to start doing the we stuff. I want us to start doing the stuff of what are we doing this weekend? And are we going to this together? That's the relationship shit. And that's also like, don't expedite that process. The dating part is really fucking fun. Enjoy the dating part. Don't let your anxiety create a narrative in your head that you need to secure somebody to make sure they're not going to leave you.

Because guess what? They're going to fucking leave you if they're going to leave you. And instead of putting yourself through that anticipatory anxiety twice and setting yourself up for failure of like, I have to do anything I can to hold my grip. Because trust me, babe, the anxiety and the insecurity and the shit that you're going to project onto that person that has nothing to do with them and everything to do with your past and your own shit is going to do. is only going to push them away.

It will not bring them closer. And if it brings them closer, it is because they are equally as unhealthy baiting with you on that. So that is not an indication or a sign. And that's why I'm like, enjoy the fucking dating process. Have some fun.

It doesn't mean that you need to go and sleep with everybody that you fucking date. But like, enjoy the, figure out, what are you learning about yourself? What it is that you want in a partner, things that you like and dislike. It's a perpetual, you know, exploration.

And that's like, enjoy the dating process. If you find yourself not, then take a break. Don't force a circle through a square hole. And if you're non-joining the dating process, that's cool. Just be real with yourself. I'm burned out. I'm tired. I'm having expectations on people.

I'm not able to kind of differentiate between that. And I think I've just overdone it. I need to get back to myself and get back to a space where, like, for me, I always said, like, I'm building such a rad life that I can't wait to have someone awesome join me in it. As opposed to I need to meet somebody who's going to complete me. And their life is going to be my life. I get to now live through them. It's not about that. It's about building your own and creating your own beautiful life that you're fucking proud of and saying anyone would be lucky to join that.

That's like the difference between kind of that scarcity mindset of like, I know there's going to be plenty of people I'm going to meet versus the I met one guy. It's like, oh my God, I have to hold on for dear life because if he leaves me and then there's nobody else and I have to get back to and I'm tired and I don't want to. Because let me tell you, for every message that you guys send me, Every DM that I, again, can't get to because unless you join Patreon, I don't answer questions via DM. But for all of those, there are hundreds of this guy and this guy, and I'm feeling this, and I can put a thousand fucking dollars on it per one. It's not the first time you felt that, nor will it be the last. And this is where I go.

I'm like, it's time to have some perspective shifts and it's time to see things a little bit differently. So you can stop the same dance steps that you've been doing for however long. If you're 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, I don't give a fuck how old you are. But if you've been doing the same thing, you are truly the dead. definition of insanity doing the same thing expecting a different result. So if you can take away anything from this entire episode is if there is something I said that triggered you, such as the texting shit that people get really triggered by, why? What is about that? Is there something in you that feels that there's truth to it? Because I know for me, I get real fucking triggered when someone

says something and I'm like, damn, they're right. It gets to me upset because you almost blame yourself. And there's nothing worse than shame and blame that you have on yourself because we're our own worse enemies. And our ego will do anything to protect ourselves from having to go through being shamed or blamed or going through anything of that nature. Our ego is a strong, finicky little bitch. So put that shit down and start looking into like, yeah, why do I do this shit? It's not serving me. This shit isn't working. And that's like kind of the last things I, you know, I'll leave with. Are like, here's some questions I ask after my, my date. How did I feel? How did I feel with them? not how do I feel about them. I don't give a shit how you feel about them. Sure. Yeah, you like them. How did I feel with them? How did they make me feel in their presence? And then is, is this somebody I genuinely want to get to know? Strip away the physical. Would you be friends with this person? If they were like a girl or guy or whatever, the opposite sex, if you're a heterosexual, or if they were a troll that was 17 feet shorter than you and just completely different, would you be friends with them? Because if your answer is, no, I don't know that I actually be friends with them. It's like, well, then why would you be in a romantic?

relationship with them. But if you're like, yes, and don't lie to me. Don't tell me. Oh, my God, I'd love to be friends with this person. It's like, no, there are a lot of dudes I've dated where I ask myself that after. And I'm like, call yourself out, bitch. You don't even actually like this person. You wouldn't be friends with them. And then vice versa, where I have a lot of dudes I've dated where I'm like, actually, I'd love to be your friend because I genuinely care about who you are as a person and acknowledge and can acknowledge how we wouldn't be right together in a relationship. And then the last question is, how is my old thought process serving me? How are those thoughts of all of these things that you've convinced yourself.

How's that playing up for you up to this point? And if you can come, it isn't, you're here, right? We've come this far, so you're listening about dating and needing some help. Give it a try. Try a perspective shift. Worse that happens, doesn't work, right? But the best case scenarios, whoa, you could give somebody a try and you could go on a date with somebody that you might never have thought would have been your person.

And then after spending time with them, you're like, holy fuck. This is not, maybe not what I wanted, but it's sure as fuck is what I need. Big difference between that as well. because we have created this version of what it is that we want. But what we actually need for growth and becoming a better person, tech guy taught me that. He's not on, he's not everything I would have been like,

that's it. Because like that guy is Ryan Reynolds. And nobody is him besides Ryan Reynolds. But, and not to say that like, this doesn't discredit how amazing tech guy is or how I find him handsome or anything like that. I'm just saying the ideal that I had all of my life growing up for what I thought I was going

to be with isn't what I got the want. But he is exactly what I need. to challenge me in my growth and my evolution, challenge my thoughts, different perspective shifts. We're both learning so fucking much from each other. And even if it goes nowhere, I'm still learning a lot and understanding more about me. And that is literally the point of dating. We don't date. You don't date to get married. You date to figure out if you like this person and you want to keep getting to know them. Start there. So on that note, thank you again for another amazing episode of Do the Work podcast. I hope that this helped. Remember, please share this with your friends.

your family, everybody, send it along. It helps me so much. Leave some feedback. You can leave comments on the video, five-star review if you believe it's worth five stars. And, you know, join the Patreon if you want to work with me one-on-one. That helps me more than I think you guys know because it helps me supplement my time so I can keep doing this. So again, thank you so much for joining me on another fucking awesome episode of Do the Work podcast.

And we will see you again next Friday at 8 a.m.