The Sabrina Zohar Show - 60: Expectations in dating and how to clearly communicate and navigate uncertainty!

Episode Date: February 16, 2024

On this weeks episode of The Sabrina Zohar Show, Sabrina goes over unrealistic vs reasonable expectations in dating and how to clearly communicate and navigate uncertainty! Want to work with Sabrina? HERE! Stuck After the Podcast? Master Implementation in 8 Weeks with Sabrina's Foundation Course Join the Make It Make Sense: Getting Through a Breakup course HERE! Get Ad-free episodes and 2 Bonus episodes a month HERE! Dont forget to follow Sabrina and The Sabrina Zohar Show on instagram and Sabrina on Tik tok! Video now available on YOUTUBE!  Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formally known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A.Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to another episode of Do the Work podcast. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. Hello to our world of visual. Oh my God, I'm so excited to be here with you guys. I'm so excited that we're adding video in. Guys, it's so much fun to see the podcast grow. Like when I started this in my apartment, just with a very phallic looking mic and taking a photo of myself and then now to see myself in my home studio, adding in video, bonus content's coming in. Guys, I am so excited. We have new bonus content coming in. We finally made a decision. It is going to be $7 a month. And it's going to include ad free and two to three bonus episodes a month, including and ask me anything. Call in. You can send in questions, dating profile, audit, specific episodes that you guys want to hear. Me and tech are going to do bonuses. I am so excited. There's that. We have the course coming out. My website's being done. There's so much growth that I'm just so honored and grateful to share with you guys. So thank you for everybody for being along in this journey with me.

Thank you guys for supporting. Please do not forget to rate the show on Spotify, Apple, Amazon, Google, YouTube, wherever the fuck you are seeing this or listening to this. Please, please, please. That is how I grow and that is the only way that I can continue to grow. So don't forget to follow along on all the socials, do the work podcasts, Sabrina Dodzohar, and make sure they're me because we've had to take some fake accounts that are trying to get people to send money. So fun.

But this week, guys, I'm so excited. We're going to be talking about, da-da-da-da-da. Expectations in dating. literally something that you guys ask about more often than I even would have thought maybe. But I really want to talk about the difference between standards and expectations, unrealistic versus realistic expectations, reasonable things like that. So I'm really, really excited to get this going. I've got so many notes that I have written here because I really want to make sure I hit

a lot of things because we all know I love to just jibber and fucking jabber. So guys, thank you again for everything. As always, everything is link in show notes. If you want to ask a question, work with me one on one, just connect in any way. way. Everything is going to be there and you can find it there. And guys, thank you again for supporting our sponsors and just supporting this podcast. It literally means the world. So without further ado, let's get right the fuck on into it. Okay, friends, we all know how much I love solo episodes. I love them because it's a chance for me to reconnect with you guys. Like, I love having guests on.

Don't not get me wrong. But this is just my fun time with you guys. So I'm excited. I hope you guys have loved all the episodes. I hope you guys loved the Masha episode. and Benjamin, we just had so many good people and so many amazing guests to come. We've Dr. Romani coming on, Dr. Nicola Para is coming on. Mark Groves and I are going to be doing stuff. Like, I'm just so excited. We have Britt Frank coming back for another episode two. So we have got so many amazing things in the pipeline, and I can't wait.

So today, we're going to be talking about expectations. Because I think expectations, especially depending on what they are, could literally set you up for failure. And I'm here to help you set you up. for success, right? That's my literal goal for you guys. So I really want to talk about expectations and dating and how to clearly communicate and navigate the uncertainty because I totally understand. Like, I have been in the trenches with you guys. Like it would be one thing if I were married to my high school sweetheart and it's like, oh, you know, Zohar, you don't literally have any idea what the fuck we're going through. But I know what you're thinking because I was that girl that was

that was thinking that or that guy or whatever. Like I am now really just using they because it doesn't matter male or female. And I think we have this common misconception that like, anxiety comes out in women and not men and it's like everybody feels anxiety if you're a human you're probably feeling anxious and so that is the type of things that we can work on so I think my number one goal here is I want us to be able to identify between reasonable and unrealistic expectations and dating because I think so often we create this entire narrative in our head and like I get it if you came from a childhood where like your needs just weren't met you may have built up these expectations on people and then it sets you up for failure because if you haven't

unrealistic expectation from somebody and especially if you're not able to communicate what it is that that expectation is that you have, then I'm unsure how anybody can meet it. And it always shocks me, especially when I talk about communication, how many people really try to pull that protest of like, I shouldn't have to do this. And it's like, I'm not sure when we ever discussed or talked about things being easy. And that relationships, like, they require work. They require communication. And if that's a discomfort, that's okay. Then this is the area to explore. where is the discomfort coming from? Again, what are we learning about the brain and neuroscience and everything is like?

Our brain is designed to help us grow, not designed to help us keep us safe. I lied. That's actually the opposite. Good morning. Our brain is designed to keep us safe not to help us grow. So with that in mind, then we need to start to learn of like, okay, where are these expectations coming from? Where did I learn these?

Where did I create these? And then how can I meet myself with some compassion to maybe rework them? I used to have crazy expectations on people. And now virtually none except realistic ones or ones that I communicate prior. So let's talk about some realistic expectations, right? So mutual respect and honesty. That goes without saying like you should be able to communicate with your partner and say what it is that you want in order to feel secure.

If you are in a relationship or a situation ship or whatever the fuck, I'm always really quick on situationships, I am always shooketh how many. people will be like, I'm in a situation chip. And I'm like, so you know that you're in something that's not serving you. You know that you're in something where honesty isn't prevalent. But yet here we are still in it. I'm always surprised. But anyways, I'm not here to judge. I don't give a shit. You guys do you. You guys do you. I'm just here to help guide you. So, but mutual trust and honesty, like that is an expectation that you can have because that is a very realistic one. And that's to me, like, just also a non-negotiable. Like I see realistic

expectations and reasonable ones almost as non-negotiables. Like, equal. commitment. That's reciprocity. Great. Clear and clear communication and mutual respect. Yeah. That's, that's something that you can expect from your partner. And if you don't get that, it's like, great, then don't be with this person. You know, if you can't even communicate or tell somebody how you feel without them blowing up, you know, I did a video about this. The difference in when you're communicating with somebody between somebody who is just upset in a fight, like, listen, when I get upset, we all know, like, I'll curse or I'll be like, so fucking frustrated. Do you like, what the fuck is happening? Very big difference than me attacking somebody and saying,

you know, you're a fucking idiot. Here you go again, drama queen. Oh, God, I don't have patience for your bullshit. Like, that is very different. So, like, even just in communication, we need to be able to learn, like, what is effective communication, what's acceptable communication. And, like, for me, I grew up in a household where, like, my dad was really volatile. To this day, like, you never know. And, like, I've communicated this with tech guy. Like, I don't want to walk on eggshells in my home. That's something I've set for myself. That is an expert. I have of my home and the partner that I live with, the person I wake up to is the person I go to bed to and vice versa. And like, I'm always shocked when I say that and people are like, what does that

mean? It's like, have you dated in a major city? Have you dated somebody that the night of everything's amazing and you're having the best time in in the morning? They almost act like as if the night before didn't happen. They didn't say any of that stuff to you. It's like that doesn't, that's a fucking no go for me. So respect. Of course, mutual respect is the backbone of any healthy relationship. Like, if I don't, if I'm not respected for my interest and opinions, then I have no, I don't need to be there. And that's okay. Like, I have learned, especially with the career that I have, that I'm very, I understand, I trigger people.

I say things that piss people off. And it's like, that's cool. That's not for me to own. I can't, I cannot take on somebody else's reaction, right? But if you're going to be disrespectful towards me, then I just remove you. That's it. Like, that's why I block people. That's why I remove them.

Yeah, I'm creating an ecosystem that makes me feel secure and safe. Why the fuck do I need people in my secure disrespecting me and talking shit when that just speaks about their own insecurities? So respect is fucking huge. Quality time together. That's an absolutely something that you can expect because if you're in a relationship with somebody, how else are you going to be in a relationship with someone? How are you going to be in a relationship with someone if you're not spending time with

someone? That's, I think, the disconnect for me. It's like, so then what are we doing here? If you're in a relationship, then, but you're not seeing this person. It's like, there's nobody busier than someone that's not interested. And no, that quote does not mean that somebody's just too busy to text you for a day. Like I had some troll. And she's like, this woman, she makes a video, like one of me saying there's no one busier than someone that's not interested.

And she's like, really? Coming from the woman that just a minute ago said texting's not a big deal? Hypocrat. And I was like, or here's a fucking thought, ma'am, how about you have selective fucking processing? Because I was like, that's not what I said. If somebody's not trying to see you, spend time with you, call you, text you, face time you, send you a, I don't care. Send you a fucking bird carrier. Send you a letter in the goddamn mail.

I don't care what they do. If someone's not trying to make time for you, what are we doing here? Then at this point, it's a non-reciprocal chase, and I don't want you guys to engage in that because that's just a waste of your fucking time. So also another thing that's reasonable, support during difficult times. Compromising, empathy. Like these are all things that are really normal and realistic to say like, hey, I expect this from a partner and from a relationship.

Because what these do is they build intimacy and closeness. So you guys are making each other a priority. That's how that works. You listen without judgment. That's a big fucking thing here that we need to also talk about quickly because when we're also communicating expectations and talking to somebody, listening without judgment. It is always surprising to me when I had a friend a couple of years ago and she told this

guy. And like, this has happened many at times. I'm just not going to give specific situations from people that I work with now about it. But she was dating this guy and he was being a little inconsistent and they had a really big talk and he was just like, all right, I'm going to do better. Like, I understand. He was like, I'm really working on my communication. Like, I get it. And he went out of town for a couple of days. And while he was at a town, like a day after they had talked to, he texts or saying, thinking of you, miss you and I can't wait to see you. And you know what a response to him was? What was this a butt dial or a drunk text? And sure enough, the dude didn't respond.

And then she started freaking out and blowing up his phone. And he straight up just told him he was like, I'm not dealing with this while I'm away. And he was like, you know what's really hurtful? He was like, I was fucking trying. I was trying. And instead, you backlashed at me. And it's like, do you blame somebody for shutting down? Because if somebody came to me and was like, I need more.

And then when I show them more, then they judge me or they put me down, it's like, we need to create a safe space. So if somebody comes to you and says, you hurt me, it's not about judging them or screaming at them. It's about sharing feelings openly and allowing someone else to have an experience that was not yours. It's a huge area of opportunity for growth. And I see this almost every day where like if it's not your expect, you are the proverbial you. If it's not this experience, then it's wrong.

No one else can feel. It's like the fucking don't go on a coffee date. You're not high value. And it's like, but that's not my experience. My experience personally has been fantastic. I love a casual date for a first date. I don't need to waste my fucking time. Sorry if you've only been on a.

one date in six months and your whole thing is that you want to go to like, sure, if you're going to judge other people because they want to go to coffee, I was sometimes going on five or six dates a week living in a major city where there's a plethora of people to meet. So this is my point. Everyone's experiences are different. So we have to make space for other people to experience thing. Right. So then we kind of go into like the difference between unspoken versus spoken expectations.

If you're not communicating with your partner, I don't understand how you think that people. Like mind reading, that's protest behavior of like, show me that you care about me, show me that you like me. When you were a kid, if you didn't feel comfortable and you are hoping people would anticipate your needs and they didn't. So now you're hoping everybody else will because it feels uncomfortable for you to communicate that. That's totally a quote. If that is your experience, that is okay. We can meet you there with compassion. But at the same time, then we need to work on that because it's not fair for anybody.

It's not fair for you. It's not fair for them for any party involved to be dealing with not knowing what it is that their partner wants, but yet then getting, their partner getting angry at them for not doing it. And like I said, if communication is a struggle, like, then this is what we need to work on. So what is an expectation? Is a strong belief that something will happen or a case that will happen in the future? So what are synonyms of it? Presumption, assumption, and belief. Have you ever heard the saying, Assumption makes an asset, assuming makes an asset of you and me. Presuming things, a belief. So you believe it's going to happen. And so when it doesn't, and you don't communicate, you see the perfect storm

that's starting to grow. So like, then we go, great. We have all these realistic expectations, right? All of these things that, yeah, we communicate this. Like, hey, what is it that you want in a relationship? Consistency, reciprocity, clarity, trust. Like, you are communicating. Here's what I expect from you. Like, I'll never forget on my dating profile. It said effort equals interest. And I was like, by doing that, I was like, I expect that this person's going to show effort by showing their interest by doing effort. Great. I clearly communicated what it is that I expected back.

That was my belief. Hey, you want to be in my life? Here's what's going to happen. And if not, that's totally cool. Very big difference between a boundary and an ultimatum. A boundary just means you keep doing you. That just doesn't work for me. And ultimatum is you need to change that.

Otherwise, I'm out of here. Sounds like the trolls on the internet that try to make me change who I am, right? and then they threaten if they don't. It's like, cool, that's an ultimatum. Get the fuck out of here. That I don't have patience for. Versus we can, hey, a boundary, cool. If that doesn't work for you, that's fine.

You just keep moving. Like, keep going. So unrealistic expectations involve demands, criticism, or rigid assumptions. Yes, you heard that correctly. So, here are four examples I literally highlighted that were considered unrealistic expectations from a therapist I was watching on the internet who was talking about this. Requires constant attention and validation. It's my anxious folks out there.

I'm talking to you. Expecting your partner to read your mind and know how you feel. Trying to change aspects of your partner's personalities or values and assuming in the relationship that the relationship will be perfect and fight free. I could do an entire fucking podcast episode on hitting each one of those notes. The constant attention and validation. My anxious babes, I get it. get it. I understand. Here's the thing. I understand explanation, but I cannot excuse the behavior.

It's not appropriate. Like, I'm going to call something out really quick, and I'm sure, I'm sure I'm going to get shit on for this. The anxious needs to stop blaming the avoidant. It's enough. Same with the avoidance. Like, everybody needs to stop blaming everybody. But I get protested by anxious people. I get it. I have anxiety. Stop, like, caught the bullshit. People come to me all the time, like, you must be avoidant. Then it's like, no, stop making assumptions of other people. Instead, maybe look at yourself as everything is deflect and project and put it on to everyone else instead of being like, yeah, maybe this is something I'm dealing with. Holy shit, I am expecting my partner to constantly validate and reassure me. That's not realistic. That no one can do that. Your parents

couldn't do that. Because no human can do that for yourself. You can constantly validate yourself. But no one can constantly validate and reassure you. Expecting your partner to read your mind, we just fucking talked about that and know how you feel. It's like, No, nobody's just going to know. Growing up, if your parents couldn't attuned to your needs, then doesn't mean that anybody else is going to. It's hard. Sometimes, like, I don't want to have to know how my partner feels and Rita's mind.

We went through that. And then I felt, I was like, oh, my God, I'm reliving my childhood dynamic. I was like, now I'm hypervigilant. And now I have to watch what this person's doing to anticipate their needs. And I was like, no, thank you. No, thank you. Trying to change aspects of your partner's personality or values. please stop trying to change people.

Please stop. If he wanted to, he would. Cool. That's really fucking like lowbrow thinking. Because you're, well, they don't want to change for me. You're right. I don't want to change for other people because if I don't stand for something,

I fall for everything. So if I do something white, and I'm saying this is how I do it, like this is what or this is what it is what I want. I am not ready for a relationship. It's incredibly arrogant and entitled to think that someone's going to change for you. I'm sorry, who are you?

That someone has to change their entire life to have you in there. Maybe that's not a priority to this person. It's unrealistic to think that, well, then they must not like me enough. It's like, so you make this about you? So then we have nothing. So this is nothing to do with the other person. And it also shows that then you don't genuinely care about the other person. You just care about the fact that they're not choosing you.

He-he. Sorry to call out the fucking elephant in the room. And like I said, you want to keep saying if you wanted to, me would let me know how that's how your dating life is that's cool i don't care this is my point you do you if you don't like it that's fine don't listen like that's cool you go and on your journey i'm personally saying based on psychology and how the brain works this shit ain't helping you but like it's your journey baby i trust you guys so unrealistic expectations stem from insecurity fear of abandonment that all makes sense and the attempt to control your partner's behavior you want me to repeat that

because I will. Insecurity, fear of abandonment, and trying to change your partner's behavior. So that's where unrealistic expectations come from. So they undermine intimacy and they push you guys apart because that's all this does because the reality is like, so here's a, here are three examples I wrote down of literal examples. So demanding more investment than you give. I get this all the time of like, why isn't he doing this and why isn't he doing that? And it's like, but what are you doing? You're literally not even contacting this person. You're not being vulnerable. You're not sharing how you feel like it's okay to say I'm doing all of this and this person's not matching it. Okay, well then there's a disconnect.

That's not reciprocal. But demanding that somebody else do all of this stuff. But it's like, but then what are you also doing? It's not fair to. You have to do everything for me, but I don't have to do anything for you. Again, you are the main character of your movie. You are not shit to everyone else's movie. I am not shit to everyone else's movie.

I'm humble as fuck to know that. And I think that's just like if you demand that somebody else does something, when you're not even, it's like, well, that's just not, that's unrealistic. So forbidding relationships with a certain gender, this drives me insane. There's so much insecurity rooted. There are on paper two genders, right? Biologically, I know that we have all of these other nuances and stuff, but I'm talking men and women, right? Just biologically.

So if you're going to knock out an entire group of people and be like, well, you're not allowed to talk to any women, that's insecurity. That has nothing to do with your partner. her. And I get it all the time of people being like, by my partner's best friends, a girl. It's like, that girl has existed much longer than you have. And who are you to come in and be like, well, you can't talk to her? Then you'd be out of my life within seconds if someone was trying to control who I have in my life. I have tons of guy friends. I've stayed at my guy friend's houses when I go to visit and sleep in their guest room. Same with tech guy. Like, we have no issues because we trust each other. It's an unrealistic expectation to be like, you're not allowed to talk to

women. Woof. It's going to be a really fucking lonely reality. Because we need both men and women and they's and whatever. We need other people and perspectives to learn. I don't want a dude to just hang out with dudes. Yikes. It's going to be a really broie guy.

Or same with girls. It's being bitchy if you just hang out with women. No. It's not just women doing this to men. I'm talking men as well saying you can't have any guy friends. Like that's controlling. And requiring constant contact and check-ins, it's not realistic.

Again, fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, fear of being left, fear of insecurities. If your day is ruined because you didn't get a text from somebody, this is nothing to do with them and everything to do with you. And you know, I say this was so much love. It's not somebody cannot make your entire day go to shit because they didn't send you a hello text. They can. It can, but it has nothing to do with them, is my point. What's happening is there's something's happening within your body. And I know it because like, I have the same thing with trolls. Like a troll make a rude comment.

I don't get a fuck of who the person is. I don't even remember their fucking face. I don't remember their name. I block them. But what sticks with me is the feeling that was evoked from that comment. Sometimes it's hard for me to even shake it because it hits my core belief and it makes me feel shitty. That's my point. It's like it's not about the person.

It's about the feeling that you're getting when you don't get the text or when you don't. It has nothing to do with them. Notice the pattern. You do this all the time. It happens consistently. my mom would always say she was like, it's just another one of the same guys, which is a different fucking name. Again, I've done it.

I know it. So now, how do you communicate your needs? Because this is huge. Like, part of having expectations is also being able to understand how to communicate those expectations. So the first thing to remember is you have to, one, know what your needs and desires are. So if you're going to express these to somebody, I first need you to understand what they are. sit with yourself, spend some time, journal on it.

What are needs that I didn't get when I was a child? What are needs I haven't had met my past relationships? What do I desire to happen? How do I want to feel when I'm with this partner? So they did a study. I was reading the study and they had 50% of the group play the piano and learn how to play the actual piano. And then they tested their brain and they showed the parts of the brain that were highlighted.

then they had 50% of people imagine themselves playing the piano. So they were taught just visually and just imagining what the feeling would feel like with the keys on your finger and hitting it. The same parts of the brain were activated when they scanned it. And what that means is the words that we speak and when we feel something in our gut, that's literally how it becomes manifested because our brain is going, okay, this feeling is safe. This is what we're going for. And I've noticed Dave Anteca and I, when we moved into the house, we had all these goals. and we kept saying like we would look and like for instance we have like an extra like random we have a two floor house and it's like this random space that they used for an office but like we don't

need that so we had like we made it like a secondary living room and we're like this is just a waste of space and so we kept getting excited I was like babe what do we really want and I was like we want a recovery room and so we got really clear and like I kept feeling I was like every morning I'm going to wake up and I'm going to red light and I'm going to have this and I'm going to do this and I'm going to do this and sure enough every day I started to feel it and even when I would reach up out to brands and work with them. I kept getting no and I was like, it's fine. It's going to happen. And sure enough, guess what's being built? The recovery room. And I'm not saying this because I'm like, no, my point of sharing the story is when you really embody the feeling of what it is that

you want and need, then you don't get scared. When somebody says no to you, you're like, that's okay, somebody else. So 20 red light companies saying no led me to one person being like, we'd love to work with you. Awesome. Great. I'm a huge fan of red light. Mito Red Light, fucking obsessed. obsessed. I do it every single morning now and I have never felt better. I'm telling you guys, when you really believe you've got to make space for something better. And it's funny because this could play into dating right before there was another brand and they were like, we're only sending to the half one. And I remember telling tech guy, I was like, but what if nobody does this? And I remember stopping. And I was like, you know what, Sabrina, this is coming from

fear. This isn't what you wanted. This is not the product that you said yes to. And this is unfortunately not going to work. So instead of me trying to make it work and change and be like, oh, okay, well, we just need the small. No, I was like, we need the big one. So I said no. And I walked away knowing it's okay, I'll find someone else. I promise you guys, when you really believe, it might not happen immediately. But that's an expectation we could bet on is something that you really feel. So then, when you understand it, I need you to start learning how to use I statements. Hey, here's my expectations of things. I will not accept anything besides consistency, reciprocity, mutual respect. If that doesn't work for you, I completely understand.

that, but I wanted to clearly express to you what it is that works for me. And then listening to your partner's point of view of like, now you tell me, what are your expectations in a relationship? I'd love to hear more about what it is that you would like and need. And then find and identify areas of alignment and discord. So it's like, where do you guys pick up what you're putting down? And then where are you dropping what you're not? And then that you can assess like, you know, if somebody, if I have an expectation of somebody of like, you know, mutual respect and they're disrespectful, it's like, well, then we don't, we don't align. You know, if somebody doesn't respect women. It's like, all right, well, this isn't going to work. Cool. And then again, and then how we do we,

the last step is we find reasonable compromise. So then you come back together and you say, okay, 80, 20, what's 80% I have to have and 20% I can get rid of? You know, like, for a long time, I really wanted somebody I could work out with, for instance. And I was like, I expect that this person's going to come to the gym with me every day, blah, blah, blah. I was unreasonable. Now, and then when I met tech guy and he was like, listen, I'm big in fitness, but like, I don't, I don't want to lift. I don't want to do that. And I remember just being like, this isn't going to work and I was like, you know what, 80, 20, like, what's a compromise? And I was like, okay, well, would you be willing like once every, like maybe every month we do a class together?

And he was like, okay, I can commit to that. And then I have needs outside of this relationship I satisfy with friends and family. Like, I go to work out classes with other people and I work on my own and then I have things I do with my partner. So we compromised. So what's really important is we need to be able to distinguish between expectations and standards. Big fucking difference. So standards represent the qualities you need in a partner. Integrity, shared values, like morals, ethos, and ethics, things like that. Like, that's a standard. That's why when people are like, I don't settle on standards.

Like, you're right, you shouldn't settle on standards. Expectations, though, involve specific behaviors that you anticipate from your new partner. Those are very fucking different. Very, very different. And so I understand standards will help you choose. a compatible partner, but expectations are what shape the day to day. So having somebody with a great moral compass and things like that, like that is compatibility. But then what is the micro look like? Then expectations start to come in. So communication and communicating clearly. Great. So like managing

expectations to avoid further frustration by doing that, I clearly communicate. That is my expectation. Be very explicit and clear about what you need and expect from your partner. don't assume they'll just know don't just do a like they should just know that's just not going to get you where you want to be it's just not because then you're not you're not clearly communicating and you just expect that everybody should read your fucking mind so then the next one we have is prioritize prioritize appreciation so can we also like so often we focus on like I'll get in I'll get messages every day of like my partner is doing this and I can't stand and it's like but what about all of the incredible, amazing things that your partner is doing.

Have we stopped to even like, look at your partner and be like, wow, that was really positive and beautiful. That was really, really lovely rather than like all other shortcomings. Like, I love my partner. And like for a long time, yeah, I would look and be like, I don't like this and I don't like this. And then I had to stop. And I was like, but what are the things I do like? And that list was overwhelming because not everyone is going to satisfy every fucking need.

that's like very much a harsh reality. We got to start practicing empathy as well. Understand. Seek to truly understand your partner. Like honestly, do you want to know why my relationship is so fucking amazing and healthy? Not because I'm being an asshole and boasting, but because I have so much empathy for my partner and what he's going through. Hence, I'm saying with I have with you guys. I'm very blunt and direct, but I hold so much fucking space because I understand other people have experiences that are not mine.

And I want to be able to say, and maybe. I have experienced those. And if we have no empathy, like, that's, I think, my biggest issue with the anxious avoidance stuff of like, no, fuck the avoidance. And it's like, but you don't even want to just understand what other people are going through. It's going to be really, really, really tough relationship. Here's another aspect, too. Allow imperfections. No one's going to be perfect. No one is ever going to meet every expectation of yours. There are sometimes like, and there are plenty of times when tech guy doesn't and I don't either. And, you know, you can see the bummer in someone's face versus being like gutted because like this person just like didn't meet a need

or an expectation. I just I'm big on like allowing people to be human. And it's like we want, so often people come to me and they're like, oh, I have to be perfect. And it's like, no, no, no. If you learned that perfect is the only way that you get love, then that's why you expect everybody else to be perfect. And oftentimes people also expect everyone else to be perfect because it's easier to find fault in that. I'm like, oh, see, you did this. And it's like, yeah, because again, Again, we're human beings and we have experiences that are a broad spectrum. Check in often. I used to do this all the time.

When I was dating, anytime I'd date a guy, I'd be like, hey, I just wanted to check in. Like, how are you feeling? What's going on? I just wanted to touch base and see, you know, what's happening with you? Just so that they could be like, you know what? Actually, thank you for saying this. I'm feeling over whatever. Because sometimes people like do not feel comfortable just out of nowhere.

Like tech guy's been saying that to me since we met. He was like, I'm not going to shy away from a conversation ever. He was like, confrontation, all that. He was like, but I'm not going to be the one to necessarily start it. This episode is sponsored by modern fertility. You start it with me. He's like, I'll have it. But a lot of people, that's what I'm saying, like, avoidance manifests in different ways.

Same with my sister, too. Like, I love my sister. She's going to be on the podcast. You guys are going to learn so fucking much from her. But she has a lot of avoidance. And for so many years, I thought she didn't care. And now that I understand it. And what's wild is when you really have an empathy and compassion for other

people, you can see it. Like when tech guy, when we went away with his sister, that was when he was going through all that stuff, I'll never forget that morning when I knew something was up and I looked at him and I could just, he was manic and I was like, oh my God, if I were, if I had overlooked all of this, I would never have seen in his eyes the anxiety. He was dodging back from forth, but he went so inward. He wasn't, he even said to me, I said, how are you feeling? And he was like, my brain isn't fucking stopped. And I was like, man, to the other, to anybody else, they would look and be like, wow, he's so detached. gave a shit. No, he was just going through so much that he was in his own internal fucking dialogue in hell. And if I hadn't seen that, like I see with my sister sometimes, you can see her

eyes gloss over and I'm like, Jane, what's going on? And she's just sometimes I think people just need someone to ask, hey, are you okay? Because you know why? Growing up, my dad, it wasn't safe for you to just say, hey, I feel sad. He would hit you or walk out or scream at you and go, what the fuck is your problem? So that's where my sister learned that she can't express herself openly. and my brother and me. And so sometimes this is also what I mean about like understanding other people's experiences. Maybe they grew up in a household where it was so fucking dangerous to open your mouth. So they don't feel comfortable.

But maybe they just all their life have asked, begged somebody to just ask them, how do you feel? Because they never had somebody there to say, are you okay? Compassion can go a long way because if you can be compassionate to other people, you can be compassionate to yourself. So I wanted to talk. talk about kind of as we round this out how to communicate these expectations. So a big thing for me is always setting a time to talk. It's not real. Like do not bring up expectations in the heat of an

argument. Like do not, how, you know, blah, blah, blah, well, I expected this. It's like, no, no, no, no. Both of you guys are dysregulated. Both of you are dysregulated. You know what dysregulation looks like for people? Totally different. For me, it could be lashing out and screaming and coming out. Tech guy, he shuts down. We are both disregulated. You know what my brother does? My brother does something that's kind of fucked up. He does the control by staying calm. His dysregulation, he sees us, no, I'm calm. I don't know what you're talking about. That's to gain control over the, so I look like I'm the looney bin going crazy. We're both disregulated. Everybody handles it differently. So make sure it's a space that is safe for you both to talk. I've done that. Tech guy has

pissed me off. And like, I remember we had plans. And to me, I was like, yeah, I do expect that if We have fucking plans that you're going to show up or cancel them accordingly, like, or reschedule. Like, that's not unrealistic. And I remember I was upset because he made plans without me. And, like, it just was like, oh, whoops. And I was, I remember telling him, I need to talk to you in a little bit, okay? And I took two hours. And then when we spoke, I was able to process.

And then I came in using eye statements. I don't accuse people. I have never gone and said, you never make time for me. No. Instead, I say, I feel like I'm not a priority when you choose. to watch football instead of spend time with me. That invites empathy by me showing vulnerability. Because if somebody was like, well, that's your fucking problem.

Deuce is, I will never speak to that person again. If you can't even just communicate with me of like, wow, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel that way. That's never been my intention. And I'm so sorry you experience that. But using eye statements is so powerful. And then like we talked about earlier, listen. If you are on the defensive, you're again.

undisregulated, then remove yourself and come back. Don't just wait. Don't wait for someone else to stop talking so that you can start talking. That was my experience living in LA. Was people there, they were just waiting for you to finish so that they could start. They didn't genuinely give a fuck about what you're talking about. So like, listen, you care about your partner and care about what they're feeling. Just like you want someone to care about what you are feeling.

And again, if that's foreign to you, it's okay. Then again, like, then we need to like kind of find common ground. Remain flexible. Like, this isn't about it's my way or no way. It's like if you're that rigid, you're not growth-minded then. So we have to stay a little flexible. Oh, all right. You know, like, even with a football thing.

My partner just wants to watch it. And I was like, okay, so you can watch it on your phone. I was like, if we have stuff to do, like, you cannot just stay home for 15 hours every Sunday for six months and watch TV. And I told him, I was like, because if we have kids, this is not the household I'm doing. I'm not going to have these kids be like, well, dad has football today. Fuck no. And we compromised.

And he was like, you know what, you're right. He was like, I don't want to turn into that. Like, I want to be more present. He was like, shit, I didn't even realize like, you're right. Four, you know, we have two weekend days and one of them all day from 10 a.m. until seven or eight p.m. is fucking football. We compromised. I remained flexible because, you know why?

I focused on the fact that we are a partnership. It wasn't me versus him. It's not me against him. It's us together. So when we communicate and I communicate needs and express myself, we are a partnership. And you know what we also do? we keep fucking communicating. If you think you just need to say it's once to somebody and then they don't do it so that

you don't have to repeat yourself. If it's every three weeks, you're having the same conversation of like, hey, you said you were going to put more effort in and you didn't. It's like, that's not what I'm talking about. What I'm talking about is like there's going to be a lot of things that are going to piss you off. And if you expect people to always be perfect, well, then you're not constantly communicating and staying flexible with these people. Growth can happen when you allow space for growth to fucking.

happen for you and for them. And guys, remember, you could try your best, but there's going to be times when your expectations go unmet. It's going to happen. So if you're feeling like sad or disappointed or frustrated, here's some tips on how to handle that. So we're back to it. Communicate. Communicate, communicate, communicate, communicate.

Tell them, hey, here's what this unmet expectation meant to me. So like when I had that with tech guy where I was like, I expected that when we had plans that you were going to communicate with me. And it made me feel like I wasn't a priority to you and I didn't appreciate that. And he was like, wow, I could totally see how you listened or I could totally see how you feel. Because he listened to me fully to understand and back back and forth. And this is also too. If somebody comes to you with that, take responsibility. What was your part?

If your part was, yeah, I didn't communicate. I didn't tell you. I had an expectation that I didn't tell. It's not digging your heels in the sand to be like, oh, no, if I'm not right, then you. you can go fuck yourself. It's like, we're just setting ourselves up for a lot of loneliness if we do shit like that. Compromise. Is there a middle ground? It's not settle. We listen, settle down. There's a fucking terminology, but compromise is important. You don't just settle for what somebody else wants, but you can compromise me like, okay, I can do that. Talk to your friends. Talk to a

fucking therapist. Go to a coach. Go to talk to somebody outside of your own fucking echo chamber. Your brain is designed to help keep you safe. It's not going to come up with new things. thought processes. You're not going to be able to expand your consciousness and your thoughts unless you're challenged to do so. And also start to feel them in your body. It's not about intellectualizing. And then like make peace. Forgive. Forgive yourself. Forgive your partner. And then adjust your expectations. Like if your expectations are consistently not met, it's like maybe we need to be like, all right, what's coming up for me? What's happening? Do I keep expecting that my partner, like I'd somebody say, do I need to say anything for Valentine's Day or can I just expect that my partner is

going to get me flowers? And I was like, you're setting yourself up for failure because this poor guy or girl or they has no idea what you're expecting them to do. And you've never communicated that Valentine's Day means something. That happened with me in Tech Eye. I didn't expect that. I talked to him. I was like, so what are we doing for Valentine's Day? And he was like, nothing. I don't care about it. Could you imagine if I didn't have a conversation with him and I just expected then I would have been like, he didn't do a thing. What a fucking asshole. It would just, that would have been me having an unrealistic expectation that I didn't communicate with him about. If I want somebody to buy me flowers, I can't just guess that they're going to, they shouldn't have to guess that.

How are they going to know that you want flowers? Not everybody is a romantic in the same way. Sorry you watched way too many fucking rom-coms. Like, we can't just expect people. Like I've told him that. I'm like, I love surprises. And he's like, I don't. And I'm like, oh, all right, fair. But we compromise. Like, he'll go, like, I always notice he's so cute. There's a bakery I fucking love and he knows it. But the funny thing is, he doesn't realize that every time he surprises me, he puts my phone number in to get the point, I get a text that says, thank you for getting something from the Carl Batt, like, from the Danish bakery. And it's like a bakery we drive. We like go to it. This is like our trip to go to it. So it's like whenever I know that he's, you know, there or something.

And that's his way of like surprising me. He hates doing that. Like not he doesn't hate doing that. Like he hates surprises. Like he doesn't like to do all like, you'll never show up at your house unattended or unannounced. Like it's just not his thing. But to me, I'm like, wow, if I didn't have empathy and understanding for someone, I would be like, well, that's not enough. I can't believe I did tell you. It's like, I didn't have to tell him. I didn't have to tell him last week I wanted that. He came home and he walked in with a cupcake. And I was like, you were the cutest fucking thing.

Thank you. Thank you for thinking of me. Because he knows exactly what I like. And I, because I've communicated that. That's how we're healthy. That's how we're healthy and happy. And if it's, if you're communicating and somebody is not able to satisfy your needs, that's okay.

Are they able to satisfy some of them? Are you fulfilled in this relationship or not? Then maybe it's time to walk away. Only you can make these. terminations, are you fulfilled? But the biggest thing, like, you can overcome all of this stuff. But you need empathy, humility, and open communication. That's how you'll have intimacy. That's how you'll have a deep, real fucking connection. I was like, my friend and I were talking on her podcast yesterday about Crockpot versus microwave relationships. It's true. People want this quick. Quick,

throw it in the microwave. 30 seconds, you'll have a full meal. And you're like, yeah, but it's outside, it's like you open you and peel the layer. And you're like, I get poking with your fork. You're like, I guess this looks good, right? Yeah, look shiny. And then you go in and you're like, it's fucking cold on the inside. It's hollow. There's nothing there.

So it's like that immediacy, yeah, you get disappointed versus the crock pot. It takes time. It develops flavor. Then real richness, a depth. And when you have it, you're like, whoa, that was worth that 12 hours that it simmered. My God, what a beautiful chili. Versus the frozen shit that you bought that on the outside looks okay. and then you dig in and it's fucking hollow and frozen in the middle.

You can absolutely work through all of this shit. But it takes time. It takes patience. It takes compassion. It takes being good to yourself. That's the number one thing. So guys, I hope that this was beneficial for you.

I hope that you guys were able to learn from this. And I hope that I was able to clear around some things around expectations, standards, boundaries, yada, and how to communicate that. So, guys, I love doing this with you. and I love being here for you. So thank you for allowing me to guide. Thank you for sharing the podcast. Thank you for rating it.

And thank you for speaking kindly to other people. And if you don't, that's okay. You'll just get blocked. That's fine. See what I mean? We don't try to change other people. We just remove things from our lives that just don't serve us. Sometimes it really is that simple.

So without further ado, guys, I love you. Thank you again. Thank you for everything. And until next time, can't wait to continue doing the work with you guys.