The Sabrina Zohar Show - 63: Compatibility VS the spark and the difference between the ‘ick’ and standards!

Episode Date: March 8, 2024

On this weeks episode of The Sabrina Zohar Show, Sabrina goes over compatibility VS the spark (and how chasing that is detrimental to your dating life) and the difference between the ‘ick’ and standards! Want to work with Sabrina? HERE! Stuck After the Podcast? Master Implementation in 8 Weeks with Sabrina's Foundation Course Join the Make It Make Sense: Getting Through a Breakup course HERE! Get Ad-free episodes and 2 Bonus episodes a month HERE! Dont forget to follow Sabrina and The Sabrina Zohar Show on instagram and Sabrina on Tik tok! Video now available on YOUTUBE!  Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formally known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A.Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to another episode of Do the Work podcast. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. Hello, friends, another solo week. I love solo weeks. It's like our way to connect. And this week, oh, babies, did I listen to what you guys asked me for? Compatibility versus the Spark and the difference between the Ick and standards. Boy, oh boy, I can't tell you how many brain science things and fucking studies there have been on how the Spark does not

mean shit. So I'm excited to go over this. And I'm excited because I hope that if any of you guys are using, I didn't feel a spark after one date with somebody or they gave me the ick that maybe we can reframe some of those thoughts and we can start to date a little differently. So I'm just excited. Guys, as always, thank you for everything. Please, please, please, do not forget to rate the show. Wherever you, we have literally thousands a day of listeners, thousands and thousands and thousands, and then some days I'll get like four reviews. So please, please, if you're on Spotify, there's three dots at the top. You literally just click on it and says rate. show and follow show. Please follow. You'll get auto downloads every week when there's a new

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into it, shall we? Okay, friends, here we go, another solo and I love my solo time with you guys. I do, it's fun, I get to reconnect with you guys. We get to have some girl, boy talk. I love it. So today I really wanted to talk about something that's just been annoying me. I've been seeing so much fucking clickbait. Like I'm not going to name specific creators. Like I'm not, I'm not in the business to do that. But I am so tired of like these antiquated messages that are going out of like shame and blame of like if you don't sleep. If you don't wait three months to sleep with someone, you're not high value. It's like spoiler alert motherfucker. That's up with my boyfriend on the first date. Every series relationship I've had first or second date we hooked up. So it's like, okay,

sorry, who created these rules, these rules besides misogynist trying to shame women and keep them down? because like there is no scientific study that shows that every healthy relationship had these, this and it's like it just doesn't exist. It's just been created by somebody versus I like to come at things from psychology. I like to come at things from studies and actually having an understanding of how the brain works and how human beings work. So I wanted to talk about something that's really important today. And I even have my iPad and soon enough one day there will be video, I promise. But it is we're going to talk about the compatibility versus the spark and the difference between the ick and having standards.

Because I get it. I get a question almost every day of like, how do I communicate this? Like, I've gotten so many questions you guys asked on Insta that we're going to talk about today. But I think it's important for us to actually understand what is the definition of these things. So let's start off with the definition of each one.

So what's a standard? A standard refers to an established criteria or guideline used to ensure consistency, quality, and compatibility. So they can include the guidelines. They are pretty much benchmarks of what. So think about like quality controls. Like, what are your standards? Oh, okay, they have to reach this level.

Then we go into, what is the ick? The ick is a slang term used to describe a sudden and often inexplicable feeling of discomfort, repulsion or even unease towards someone or something, particularly in the context of romantic relationships. It refers to a moment or realization where a person becomes aware of something unappealing and off-putting about their partner and then leads to a loss of attraction. And the reason I wanted to talk about that is because those two get so intertwined and it actually kind of drives me fucking insane because it's like

we're going to get into it. Let me just give you definitions. So then we have compatibility. So compatibility refers to the ability of different people to work together without conflict or disruption. Yay. So that literally just means can you guys work together? Do you have the same morals, ethos, ethics, values? Do you want the same things in life? Are you compatible? So do you operate without disruption together? That's really the quote here. And then I wanted to bring in ultimatum. What's an ultimatum?

It's a final uncompromising demand or proposition presented to another party with the expectation that if the demand is not meant, there will be serious consequences or actions taken. So ultimatums are used in negotiations or conflicts as a way to force a resolution or decision with the implicit understanding that failure to comply, may result in a form of punishment, termination of a relationship, or adverse outcome. Whoa. And the reason I wanted to give proper fucking definitions for this is because I think it's time for us to stop muddying the waters.

You have every right to have standards and goals and non-negotiables and boundaries. But we really need to understand, like, what's the actual difference? How do we actually implement this? So, the spark. The spark is something, frankly speaking, I think is ruining dating. I am not saying that you should go out and date people you feel nothing towards. That doesn't even fucking make any sense. Like, we need to stop looking at this as, oh my God, she's telling me to go out and date people I'm not into.

It's like, bitch, I never fucking said that. What I did say is give people an opportunity that you may not normally have given an opportunity to, right? So if you're somebody that like you go on a first date and immediately like I've had so many clients and they message me and it's like it breaks my heart. They'll have one date with somebody and then they'll get the text of like, hey, didn't feel the spark. I just don't think this is going to work. And it's like and then my clients are calling me being like, but I don't understand like I barely even knew this person. Like we literally sat together for an hour and a half and had a drink. Like what do you mean you didn't feel a spark?

And it's like because when you're chasing a feeling and you're always looking for something to be evoked within your body, you're just going to constantly be chasing. because there are so many, there is actually scientific studies. And like, I know Jay Shetty talks about this, that the spark is a mix of anxiety and excitement. I don't know that I necessarily want anxiety in my dating world. You know what I mean? Excitement, yay. But like the reality is I didn't have a spark with tech guy. I didn't.

I did not go on that date and know like, oh my God. Because like, let's everybody that's listening take one minute, one minute between us squirrel friends. I want you to think about the last person or the last situation that you had. where you felt like an undeniable spark, where you walked in and you're like, oh, my fucking God. As I'm saying it, every single person that comes to mind for me was narcissistic or incredibly unhealthy. I have never had a spark with someone super healthy. You know why? Because my nervous system was very calm.

It wasn't feeling peaks and valleys. It was feeling really consistent and reciprocal. And that's why like, healthy equals boring. It's like, no, your nervous system just isn't used to that. And oftentimes, like, this is why. so many people might think I'm ready for a relationship and I want a relationship. I just haven't found it. It's like, it actually takes a lot less. I think the markers for compatibility and being in a relationship are significantly less than any of us give credit for. Like, you could make it work with so many more

people than we actually think that we could make it work with. And I'm not saying forcing it. I mean genuinely being in a relationship. But like, that also means compromising. You're not going to have you're not going to get everything. I didn't get everything. I didn't get everything. But 80-20. I got 80% of what it is that I wanted and needed. And then 20% I can let go of. You know, like we talk about stuff like this all the time. You know, when I looked at like my client and I were chatting the other day and he was like, you know, I really, really want a woman that does this, this and this. And I was like, okay, but let me ask you a question.

If you get somebody, so like you like to work out, I love to work out. But like if I don't have a partner that has to go to the gym with me, it's like, is that actually a deal breaker? Or is it just something where we can look at and say, okay, I don't need my partner to satisfy every need. that I physically have because it's physically impossible for somebody to do that. And so when we look at like what are we actually looking for, right? Like what do I want you guys to genuinely seek? So when it comes to compatibility, shared goals and values. First and fucking foremost.

So compatibility is literally the degree to which two individuals align in terms of values, beliefs, goals, and lifestyle preferences. So if you are dating somebody, so like for me, I'm not compatible with people that are night like night owls. I'm in bed by 8.30 every night. I'm a grandma. I'm up by fucking 4.35 every single morning. I get my stuff done. I usually get my work done in the morning. I work out by 8 a.m. I've already like gone live, done all my work, caught up on emails and I'm getting into the gym, like getting ready to start finishing my workout. You know what I mean? By 9 a.m. like ready to start the day. So if I've like, how many times I met guys that would be like, oh yeah,

I work as a manager at a bar and I'm up until 4 a.m. every morning. I usually wake up at 11. and I'm just like, hey, I'm sure you're an awesome human being. That's not going to work for me. Our lifestyles are completely polarizing. So that is part of compatibility. And it's like, we can't force. Oh, but I really like them. It's like, yeah.

I really like a Birken bag, but Mama doesn't have like $50,000 for a bag. So it's like, we don't always get everything that we like. But we have to start to see, like, do you guys have interest in hobbies at all that align? Again, so if you're dating somebody, they're a partier and a drinker and they go out all the time and they're using a escapism and you're somebody that's like super wellness focused and you get to bed early and wake up and you have your juices and shit. It's like, do you think that you guys would be compatible? You can think this person is amazing. But unless you have common interest together, it's going to be very, very difficult to bridge the gap because then I think you're constantly

going to feel like something's missing. Something's off. Something I don't feel seen hurt. And you know what I mean? Like it's always going to feel like you're trying to change your partner because if you're not actually, if you don't have the same alignment of where you want to go, bye-bye relationship. Like, it's just a reality. So communication and conflict resolution. That is paramount in dating. And like I know so many of you guys are trying your goddamn hardest.

And I see you, I hear you. I know communication isn't always the easiest. But like, let's be real. If you're dating somebody and they literally can't even have a conversation with you, I'm not saying that like we have to walk, like everybody has to act the same. No. My partner, I love. him so much, but like he is not the type that's going to come up and be like, hey, babe,

can we talk about something? He'll talk about it if I bring it up to him. If I'm like, hey, baby, like this really bothered me. He'll be like, okay, let's talk. But he's not the type of person that's going to be like super open and vulnerable about his feelings without being prompted. That's cool because I'm the type of person that loves to talk about feeling. So we're the great balance. He doesn't shy away from it. But like, if you have somebody and they, you know, go off on you, and then you try to have a conversation with them and they shut you down, they ignore it, and they don't want to talk about it. It's like, well, that's not. conflict resolution.

It's just not. I was watching Matthias and Jimmy on relationships. I love them. They were doing something with the Gottman Institute. And they were showing that the first three minutes of a fight or like a disagreement are the most important. And it's true. It's like how many times have we seen that like within those first few like I love my trash TV. Don't fucking judge me.

But I love 90 day fiance and love is blind. And I'm watching love is blind. And it's like I can see how people's issues show up when they're. they're having conflict. So like that one girl, Jessica with, I think Jimmy is his name, I what the fuck his name is. And he was just pretty much telling her, like, I'm just not into it. Like, I'm sorry. Like, and that's the whole point of it. And she was like, like, badgering him and putting him down and I'm just like sitting here and I'm like, you don't know how to handle conflict. She shut down. That for the minute she heard that, she went into defense mode. And it's like,

okay, well, and then there's no shock that this guy was like, I don't want to date her. Like, he ended up going with someone else because it's like, I don't like the way you handled conflict. If we can't even talk about things like two fucking adults, even if at first there's an issue and then somebody like there was one couple on their clay and AD and she like they had a little tiff and he even stopped and he was like, I'm sorry. He was like, I need to like come back and I apologize. Like he took ownership. He may have been triggered. But how you resolve it is equally as important as how you start it. So long term sustainability is another thing that has to do with compatibility.

like, do you guys have a framework for understanding support and growth? That's it. Like, do we have this framework down? So that's compatibility. This is the markers. These are the markers that I want you guys to really look for, right? So then we go into the spark. What is the spark, shall we?

So the spark, chemistry, and attraction. The spark refers to an initial attraction, chemistry, and excitement experience between two individuals. It involves a strong physical and emotional connection, characterized by passion, desire, and intrigue. Cool. So that's great. What that tells me is, y'all can have good sex.

Maybe. I can't tell you. Oh, my God. I remember this one guy. And when we met, it was literally electric. Like, boogie, wugi, wuggy. I, oh, God. He was so fucking hot.

He was so hot and so sexy and had such a fucking charm about him. Like this guy, you know what the fuck he was doing. And I remember I was like, I'm going to play this cool. And I'm not going to sleep with him. And I was like, I'm fucking delusional. playing these games with myself. And I didn't. And every date was like, when I say that fit, that like intensity, like I am, I like practically undressed myself like when I was with him. But like we didn't do anything. And then sure enough, after we started dating for like a month or two

months and then I started to realize how emotionally available, unavailable he was and how like just, he just was like not ready. And I remember when he came back, that spark was completely gone. Like even when he touched me, I felt absolutely nothing. The sex was. mediocre. I kicked him out the next day and I'll tell him to get the fuck out. And like, because he was being a dick. And my point being is like, just because in one point you have a physical crazy chemistry does not mean you're compatible. Just because on the first date, you are like, oh, man, it's like, maybe that person's super fucking reminiscent of something. Like, narcissists, they're very good at playing a part. So like, when you go out and you're like, oh, my God, this

perfect. Like, my mama has always said when they're too sweet, they're giving me a toothache. When someone is too well rehearsed. Thada. So the spark also has physical and emotional intensity. It involves intense feelings of infatuation, butterflies in the stomach, and a heightened sense of arousal and or anticipation when interacting with the other person. Again, how does this have anything to do? What it's starting to sound like is fucking limerence.

You're idealizing somebody. You're going based on a feeling. So you're saying, because I feel this in my body, okay, then this person's right for me. And then we wonder why so many relationships don't work is because when you're chasing a feeling, you're not actually looking at who the person is, you're just looking at how they impact you. Versus, how do you feel when you're with this person long term? How do you feel over time with this person?

Do you feel seen, heard, and understood? Do you feel safe? That is a connection worth more weight than gold than just thinking someone's hot and wanting to fuck them. Sorry. So novelty and excitement. The spark is often associated with novelty and excitement as it represents the thrill of discovering something new and experiencing the euphoria of a romantic attraction.

And it's not always predictive. So the spark can be exhilarating. It's not an indication of long-term compatibility or success in a relationship. It can fade over time. And so I go back again. And we say here, what are we doing here then? If you're going after something that is literally just a feeling, then you're going to be perpetually disappointed. I'm not saying, again, when you're dating somebody, you should feel something.

I'm not saying like date people that you're repulsively. by. But like if you go on a date with someone and you're like, I didn't feel like up or down. You know, like I enjoyed the conversation. Person was cute. I thought they were nice. Like, that's how I was with tech guy. I was like, hey, he was nice. And I kept thinking like, okay. I'm like, here's a reality. I didn't have to spark with him at all. And he says that he had a little bit of a feeling with me. And I'm like, me like, but like I'm also very vulnerable and open. So like, it's not, it's not a shock that people would connect with me, like, but I'm just super open. And it wasn't until he was intimate with me.

Like, because I was not into him. And then when he kissed me and then we had like the best sex ever, I was like, whoa, that passion didn't come from nothing, you know? And like, that's why I kept seeing him was because I was like, there's something more to this guy. But I'm so fucking grateful. I didn't just listen to like, I didn't feel a spark because I'm so glad I didn't want a spark. I wanted a long, slow, beautiful romance and a slow burn that took a while for us to get to know each other and feel comfortable with each other because I have never felt more seen her.

heard and understood and safe with someone in my entire fucking adult life and actually childhood now that we think about it. So I think we need to look at. So there was a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology that found compatibility and personal traits and values predicts relationship, sustainability, and satisfaction. Uh-huh. So these researchers found that compatibility is a key factor to long-term relationship satisfaction. So instead of looking and going going to date saying, but I don't feel it was my rank. Can we look at how did I feel when I was with this person? Do they have aspects? Like, could I see a life with this person? Do they even do things? Because even if you feel a spark, but you're like, I don't know, this person like travels

a ton and I have two kids. I can't travel. It's like, okay, well, then you're not compatible. I don't care how much you like this person. And then we set ourselves up for failure and then we get hurt. And I don't want you guys to get hurt. So now we kind of go on to standards versus settling. So first off, we need to talk about how do you even identify. standards. So you have to look at what aligns with your core values and long-term goals. So a study published in the Journal of Family Psychology found that individuals with higher standards for their partners reported higher relational quality and commitment. High standards lead to a greater relationship satisfaction. And what that means is standards,

we have to differentiate. That's why I wanted to talk about the IIC and standards, because the ick is, to me, a defense mechanism. When I hear people just, talking about the ick, it kind of drives me insane. Because it's like, I didn't like, like, I had one guy that I dated and he told me he broke up with a girl. He's like, I didn't like the way she parted her hair. And it's like, that's an ick where it's like completely based on bullshit. He had a Velcro wallet. Or like, my ick with tech guy was like, I hated how tight his clothes were. And I hated the color of his car. We have to complete, we have to look at that and see like, wait a minute, am I finding a reason to not like this person? Because sometimes

when this person doesn't really give you a real reason and you find a fucking reason, it's because it keeps you safer to be like, oopsie, didn't like them. Most of the time it's not, when we, I want you to look and go, okay, can it change? His clothes, that can change. His car color. Or, yeah, car color. That can change. Versus, like, this person's rude to waiters and is really rude to waitstaff.

It's like, okay, well, that's probably not going to change, right? Like, that's who this person is. They're just a fucking dick. So, like, if you're dating somebody and you find the simplest and easiest things, what I would challenge you to look at is, like, cool, what are you running from? What are you so scared of? Mm-hmm. Baby, you know, I'm always going to challenge you

because we do have to start challenging these thoughts of like, yeah, what am I so turned off about with this person? And how shallow? What age am I? How shallow am I being? Like, listen, you want to go after the shallow? Good luck, Godspeed. Let me know when you're in your fucking mid-40s or 50s or 60s

and you're still doing the same shit. I know, get it. We all want the Ryan Reynolds and the Blake Livelies of the world. But baby, sorry. Are you Ryan Reynolds, are you Ryan Reynolds, receive a Blake lively or are you Blake lively to receive a Ron Reynolds? Like, but we just have to be honest with ourselves of like, am I setting myself? Am I, am I, are my standards too high? And I'm getting such an ick off everything because it's easier for me to keep people away and it's safer for me to do so.

Because by doing that, you're a self-fulfilling prophecy. See, I knew this wasn't going to work. I never find anybody. And it's like, I'll challenge you on that. You find people. I think you just find issues with these people. How many times we hear that? My sister used to say, I wish you would act like the way you do with the guys you don't like to the guys you do and you probably have better luck because when you don't like something you're just like whatever I don't care notice how those people usually come closer to you because you release pressure so standards and settling the difference between that is when you have fear of being too picky or unrealistic expectations that is really where we start to say it's unrealistic because it's coming from fear

it's not about what you truly desire so example another study showed in the journal of personality and social psychology that individuals who settled in relationships reported lower relationship satisfaction. So Dr. John Gottman always talks about who identified key indicators of relationship compatibility, which are shared values, effective communication, and mutual respect. So we have got to stop with the bullshit. Settling, there's a term called settling down. We all have to make compromises. Again, 80, 20, you're never going to get 100%. you're not going to be 100% to somebody else. Like we can give you a perspective shift here.

We come off it as if we're God's gift to this earth. But how do you think that you're being received by the other person? I know that I'm not tech guy's dream girl. He's not my dream guy. Because that doesn't exist. That person that we created in the ether is not reality. And that's okay. That doesn't mean that I didn't settle.

What I did was I realized what it was that I was looking for was unfucking realistic. And it was either that I'm with somebody that's incredible and I have a beautiful relationship with this person or I continuously just go off searching and searching. And again, I am not saying to date people that you have to force yourself to be with. But we have to expand our mind and challenge things a little bit of like, yeah, what am I turned off about with this person? Is it because they're being really great and receptive or do I just not like their personality? And so it's like we have to even look at like compatibilities versus red flags.

You know, like when when you're dating somebody, are they actually compatible or are they just showing an exhibiting behavior that makes you feel familiar? Like, and the biggest thing too that I want you guys to remember is balancing between standards and flexibility. What is your non-negotiable and your negotiable? So non-negotiables are things that are your core values. Who you are as a person. My non-negotiable, consistency, reciprocity, feeling seen, hurt, and understood, being safe. non-negotiables. I don't even entertain that.

Versus, a negotiable with me would be, okay, if he's not six, five, okay, but he's six feet. I can, that's like, it doesn't have to be. Certain things that's like,

okay, I can let that go. And again, I'm not talking about settling for someone you don't like, but it's just about like being a little bit more realistic. Because like, I get it every day. Or we either,

the pendulum swings, either some of you guys are way too understanding and you're accepting total bullshit from people because you're fucking scared or whatever and I don't want to be alone and this person reminds me of my dad and all that fun trauma or the pendulum swings the other way and it's like I'm hyper set I'm super

high standards and it's like you can have high standards but when those high standards are coming in the way of building connections with people then that comes from fear that's just an excuse I was totally okay walking solo and saying I'm not going to settle for less than I deserve think of it this way you have a mortgage on your home you pay, I'm just going to throw a number, $2,000 a month on your mortgage. And you know, then you're going and getting a renter. Okay, well, if you get a renter that comes in a thousand a month, you're never going to be able to sustain yourself because then you're always in the negative. That's settling. Okay, I'll just take anybody. They're there. Well, versus, okay, well, I know I need to make a certain

amount. I can't take less than 2000 because the bank won't even authorize this. They won't even allow this to happen because they need to get paid and they need to make sure their money is taken care. Whatever. So if I know that, so then if I'm the house and I'm the bank, it's like, then that means I need to be more cognizant of what can I sacrifice on and what can I not? So again, I can sacrifice on shallow stuff. What I can't sacrifice on is communication and effort and reciprocity. Those are two very different things. And so I think some questions that I wanted you to probe for you guys to ask, see if you're settling,

am I genuinely fulfilled in this relationship? I omitted the word happy out of this because happy is elusive. You might say, I don't know about happy or sad, but I do know I'm fulfilled. Are your needs being met? Do I feel respected and valued by my partner? Are the aspects of the relationship that I'm ignoring or rationalizing because I fear being alone? Let that one sink in. We have got to challenge ourselves here, my babies. We can't just give into thoughts of like, ma'am, I feel this. It's like, okay, go further. What else? Do I find myself making excuses for my partner's behavior or overlooking red flags? Do I feel like I'm compromising on

important values or beliefs to maintain the relationship. And lastly, am I staying in this relationship because I feel pressure from my family, friends, or societal expectations? I'm a big fan of checking in with yourself and seeing kind of like, okay, where am I today? Where am I on the map? How do I feel? Where are we going? And when I asked myself these questions, I literally had to look over at a tech guy and I like, I got into tears because I'm like, I have never met a man that has loved me to this point. and I could to think I almost broke up with him because he didn't text me as much as I wanted to in the beginning. I literally have the text written out. I have it still saved.

And that was me being unrealistic. That was me finding X and saying me. When it's like I was, I just wasn't even in touch with my own needs. And but the beauty of it was I used that situation as a like, you know, I can remember anytime I wanted to have a conversation with him of like things that he did that I didn't like or like, you know, issues that we had. And I remember calling my mom prior and talking to her about it and processing with her and saying, you know, I don't know if he's going to handle this. And like, what if he walks away? And my mom was like, you'll be fine.

And then I remember having those calls with him. And the way he would handle it was so much better than I ever imagined. And I remember I ever always calling my mom and being like, oh my God. I was so scared of him doing this, this and this. And I was like, and he handled it better than I ever could have imagined. That is why I kept fucking dating him was because we had conflict and we had resolution. I could speak up and he didn't judge me. Vice versa.

I created such a safe space for him to open up, to explore, to see what it is that he liked and didn't like because we both have the same. We both see life in the same way as far as what we want. Our goals, our values, who we are as people. We share those commonalities. We're very different humans, but that doesn't mean that we can't be in a healthy and secure relationship. That just means that, yeah, he triggers me.

Cool, that's on me. Not on anybody else. So a couple of the questions you guys asked on social was how, so just in case you guys also don't know, if you follow along and do the work podcast on Insta, I do a question box for every episode. So that way I can answer questions you guys genuinely have, which is my favorite part of this. So how to talk through standards and expectations when newly dating. So it's one of those things that like, I think you can talk about like what are things that you use to accept in relationships that you're no longer willing to. That's a really great way to ask somebody.

Hey, what are your non-negotiables and boundaries now? I don't need to ask someone. So like, what are your standards? What do you expect in dating? What I will ask them is like, how do you communicate? How do you handle conflict and resolution? You'd be shocked how many people will tell you like, oh, I shut down. Yeah, I can't handle it. And you're like, hmm, you don't say. Got it. Noted. And I just use all this as data. I take all this and it's like, okay, I'm going to create a bigger picture. I'm not going to judge you based on one thing that you say, but I am going to listen. And then you can express, then that's a great way to if somebody says that to you and being like, cool, here. my, here's the way I handle it. Like, I am not the type of person that's going to ignore or walk away from things. Like, if we have an issue, I want to be able to talk about it and I expect that my partner will be able to communicate with me. Because the reason is you're clarifying and sharing what your expectations are. It's only an issue when you expect somebody to read your mind. And so I think asking a question, it's like, same with setting boundaries. People ask all the time, it's like, who do I set this boundary? And it's like, well, you don't need to set the boundary until

you need to set the boundary. So like, you know, if you're going on a date, with somebody and someone says come to my house for a first date and you're like okay but I'm not gonna fuck you guess what that person's thinking yeah she's gonna fuck me I remember this one guy at a date with he asked me to come over and I said honestly I said I don't feel comfortable being that close to your bed to your bed alone with you and he was like I promise I'll do my best to behave and I was like no I'm good I didn't need to set the boundary until I set the boundary until I said that doesn't work for me I'd like to go out for a drink or dinner with you and then he was like you know babe I need to be honest I'm not really looking for relationship and I was like oh yeah shocker I didn't have to be like okay I'll come over but I'm not

gonna fuck you it's like no I just set the boundary in the moment saying that doesn't work for me or if I were at his house and I would say hey this doesn't work or hey do you want to come back to my house no thanks you only need to set so ask questions get curious with people so and then someone said at what point do human weaknesses become deal breakers characters versus coping mechanisms so what we need to look at is how how open to this how open is this person on working through those parts of themselves? I love my partner. He's super fucking rigid.

Yes, that is part of his personality. It's just how he does things. But he's also really working on that with his therapist and understanding that like he needs to lesson on the reins. So to me, it's like the weakness has become deal breakers when they're not willing to work on them. The weakness has become deal breakers when they're impacting your relationship overall. So like I've told him, I was like, hey, if you don't work on this rigidity, like I

then I'm just going to have to like walk away because it's just isn't going to work for me. I wasn't setting an ultimatum like, if you don't do this, I'm out. I was just like, hey, if this is who you are, that's cool. It just, I don't, this doesn't work for me. And he came and he was like, you're right. I don't want to be this rigid anymore. He was like, I want to work on this. Cool.

Yay. So someone asked, can a non-negotiable be negotiable to save a relationship worth saving? Again, is it, that is it a non-negotiable for you. So like, if religion's a non-negotiable for you, you have to marry someone of the same religion. Okay, then you meet somebody and you fall in love and you're like, maybe I don't care about the religion. Okay, so then it's no longer a non-negotiable for you. This is now, okay. Versus if that's a non-negotiable for you and you're like, no, I have to marry someone of my same faith. Well, then no, I don't care how great your relationship is. If neither one of you can

come to an impasse, well, then that's it. You're at an impasse. So it's like, it depends. Can you guys work through it? And is it actually a non-negotiable. This is where we now need to see how flexible are those non-negotiables. For me, consistency, reciprocity. I don't care how fucking awesome this person is. If you're not consistent with me, I'm out. So to me, that's not something that I can waver on. And this was a question I loved.

Boundaries versus Selfishness. Where is the line? So when is selfishness purely bad opposed to productive? So boundaries are a guideline for what you're willing to accept. Selfishness is only about you and at the expense of other people. Mic drop. Boundaries are beautiful. you're telling somebody, hey, this is what I'm willing to accept.

This is what I'm willing to accept in our relationship. Selfishness is, well, this is what I want. Fuck you if you don't do it for me. It's all about me, me, me, me, not thinking about your other partner. Setting a boundary doesn't mean you don't think about your partner. That just means that you're cognizant of what you need. Hey, please take your shoes off when you come into the house. If somebody came in and said, I'm wearing a cast, I'm so sorry.

That's okay. I understand. Okay, you can come in. versus I don't get about fuck. I don't care what you do. Take your fucking shoes off. And it's like, you're just being selfish.

You're just thinking about yourself. You're not thinking of anybody else. And that's when it becomes like to me, that's a deal breaker. If I'm dating somebody that is really selfish and only thinks about themselves, it's a huge fucking turn off. I want someone thoughtful and empathetic and compassionate

and selfless. I want someone that thinks of their partner as well, that we're equal, not that it's all about them. Because at the end of the day, you can't be in a relationship with a single person. Being in a relationship means that you are giving of yourself and that we have to learn that other people's needs matters too.

It's not, listen, I teach you guys about how to even address your needs, how to even identify what your needs are. But then it's also important once you've done that to establish and realize your partner's needs matter too. What your partner is going through is also equally as important as what your experiences are. And so we have to be able to have some flexibility there. So I really hope that this was able to give you guys a little bit of clarity between standards, compatibility, the ick, da, da, da, all that fun shit. And that's why I wanted to really give like proper definitions and really go over like, what's the psychology of this? What are the studies that have been done to show this? And there is ample studies to show that compatibility reigns supreme.

Where you guys are going in life matters. It's not, yeah, it's cute and sexy to be like, oh my God, and this guy's really dead. And he lives here. And it's like, yeah, but are you actually able to do this? because if you're not, that's okay. But you're going to only waste more time, the more you try to change them as opposed to focusing on what it is that your needs are.

So as always, guys, thank you for another amazing week. Thank you for sitting with me. And I hope that this was able to provide a little bit of insight. Guys, please don't forget to rate the fucking show. Please, please, please. We have literally thousands of plays a day. I'll get thousands of reviews.

So I love you guys. Thank you for everything. And until next time, chat for now, my babies.