The Sabrina Zohar Show - 66: Dating a single parent/dating as a single parent with therapist Quinn Padilla!

Episode Date: March 22, 2024

On this weeks episode of The Sabrina Zohar Show, Sabrina and guest Quin Padilla discuss navigating life and love after divorce. Quin Padilla is a therapist and wellness coach specializing in nervous system regulation and trauma healing. She shares her experiences of dating, finding love, and marriage as a single mom after her divorce. As a single parent, it includes navigating taboos about dating too soon after your divorce, being transparent about being a single parent, and telling your date right away that you do or don’t want more children. It’s a lot, and we go over it ALL! Want to work with Sabrina? HERE! Stuck After the Podcast? Master Implementation in 8 Weeks with Sabrina's Foundation Course Join the Make It Make Sense: Getting Through a Breakup course HERE! Get Ad-free episodes and 2 Bonus episodes a month HERE! Dont forget to follow Sabrina and The Sabrina Zohar Show on instagram and Sabrina on Tik tok! Video now available on YOUTUBE!  Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formally known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A.Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to another episode of Do the Work podcast. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. Guys, this has to be one of the most highly requested episodes personally I've ever gotten. You guys have asked for a lot, but the number one thing that gets asked over and over and over is like, I'm a single parent. How do I do this? What do I do? Or I'm dating a single parent.

And I really was excited to find somebody, our guest Quinn, who is here, who is not only a therapist, not only works with people, not only understands the clinical component to it, but also was a single parent, had her own journey, met her husband, like, experienced what so many of you guys are experiencing, understanding what it feels like to have a kid and feel little alienated and like, how do I do this? I'm ever going to find anybody. Like all the questions that we ask, we're going to answer them. So I'm really excited today. Guys, do not forget, please, please, rate the show, follow along. You're watching on YouTube, follow along. If you're listening to the podcast, please rate the show, follow, and please don't forget to

give our sponsors some love. This is how we can keep giving you guys the show. And as always, if you need anything for me, link in show notes, follow along on the socials or you can ask me a question, anything you need. So guys, without further ado, let's get right the fuck on into it and introduce our amazing guest, Quinn, welcome to do the work podcast. I'm so excited to have you. I'm so honored to be here. Thanks for having me here. Of course. And for anybody who doesn't know you. Can you introduce yourself and just share a little bit about you, your journey and your work, everything, all things, Quinn. Yeah, absolutely. So you and I connected via Instagram. I have a Instagram page where I'm very passionate about sharing my journey through life, through childhood

trauma, you know, a difficult and abusive marriage and divorce and, you know, kind of my journey through all of that. Also, I share fitness and things like that. I own my own virtual private practice. I am a licensed clinical social worker and a life coach. And I use a lot of different healing modalities that are associated with like nervous system regulation and things like that to help my clients. So, awesome. I love that. And that's why I resonated so hard with a lot of the things that you share because, hey, child of trauma. Welcome. So nice to have everybody here.

But I really, the reason I'm like so excited about today is because realistically like, I'm not a parent. I have a dog. Well, Ryan has a dog. I also have had a dog. This is a weird place for me to be in because Clint passed away. So I'm still learning how to say that whole story. But I personally only have experienced dating single parents. But myself, I've never been a single parent.

I don't even know on the fucking where in the world to begin. So I was curious really for your journey. Like I think a lot of people, especially post-divorce, whether you have children or not, I think are scared and unsure of like how to navigate what to do. Like, when do I know I'm ready to date after a divorce? So I was just curious, like, if you have any insight on your journey of dealing with that and now getting back out there, having children, what can we learn and how can we do this? Like, talk to me.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, I mean, there's so many, I think, like, there's so many different parts and pieces of it because and everybody's journey through divorce and having kids is so different. For me, you know, my story, I feel, is similar to a lot of women. I left an abusive marriage. And so getting out of that, like, even just like escaping, I would say is, was, you know, terrifying and difficult for so. many different reasons. And then I think for me, you know, there's kind of this,

there's kind of this story about, or I don't know the right way to say it, but like there's this line that that people are like, oh, you're dating too soon. Like I think I hear that a lot. Like, am I dating too soon after divorce? Am I dating too soon? And there's a lot of judgment that people put on like themselves and others about like dating post-divorce. And I think what a lot of people don't realize in that, at least for myself, I was miserable for 10 years. So I was alone, even inside of my marriage for a very long time. And so after I got out, after I was free, I was like, oh my gosh, I get to like search for the potential to have this partner that I like always wish that I had, like for myself and now the opportunity I felt like to potentially bring

somebody into my life, like for my kids as well. So for me, it was, it was exciting and scary and all of the things, I guess. And what do you have, like, for anybody? Because like, I know me personally, like, a lot of people don't know. I was married for like a very small blip on the screen. It was about a year and it was, you know, I was in my 20s. I was young and it was somebody that I was head over heels and, like, didn't really think about this. very thoroughly. I just thought like, love is all we need, right? Lull. And I know, like, it was a narcissistic relationship. I was a shell of the human kind of same thing. I'm like, I am grateful every single day that I had that experience, but even more grateful that I got out.

And it took me, I think, four months to even download a dating app. Like, and this is me being like somebody who has used dating apps all of my adult life. And it took me, I think, like six months to go out on my first date. And even when I did date, like, it was very obvious that, like, I still had a slew of traumas and things to work through. But what is your advice or professional opinion for anybody that is either getting out of a divorce or, no, let's first go there. And then I have another question on the flip side of somebody dating somebody who's just getting out of divorce. But for the person who's just getting out of this, I know that there's no timeline per se, but what can we offer as far as when is it time to be ready?

like what are things to look out for, best practices, anything like that? Yeah, I think I would say it's, again, it's all up to that person. You know, it's all based off of like where they are in their life. If your life is total chaos, I mean, you've talked about this on your show. Like, if you're a total shit show, like maybe not the time. Like if you're a total shit show, you can't get your life together. Like just being a single parent and have, kids and working a job and, you know, I was in graduate school and I was like doing a ton of

different stuff. You don't have space for even like yourself or your children. I think that's probably not the time to like bring another human into that caveat to that. Single parenting is really fucking hard to do by yourself. And so I think that it's, I think that it's important to recognize like for me, I didn't want to do it alone. I've never wanted to do it alone. Like I'm always felt very, I like being in a relationship. I like the thought of having a partner. I like the thought of not having to raise children by myself. So there was like some drive towards that. And I think that we need to honor that. And I think that's something that like, again, I've heard you talk about in your show is, you know, you can love yourself so much.

you can heal that attachment. So, you know, to an extent, but you can't truly heal an attachment or build security without another person. Like, you have to go through that. So, so I think that there are a lot of men and women out there that are like waiting. Like, they're like, oh, no, I need to be this fully whole person

before I even, like, jump into a relationship. And I'm like, yes, but like we're human and we can't be, totally 100% complete with other people. And so I think you can create some of that with community and with friendships and stuff like that. But like, I do think that there is something about a partnership and a relationship

that that kind of does that last ditch effort of that healing part. Not that you're going to go out and that and seek that person for that reason. Oh, I need to find this person to heal that part of me. But like it is, you know, just a part of it.

of the process. Totally. And I think if anybody out there is like, am I ready? It's like, you won't know until you try, right? So like maybe if you go out on a date and you're like, holy shit, I remember that. I broke down crying thinking of my ex. And I was like, you know what? Maybe you're not ready then. Like maybe we need to process through the ending of this a little bit further before we try to allow someone else in your life. Because it's not fair to anybody that I'm dating moving forward. If I'm not over and haven't processed through and understood what happened in my last relationship to now bring somebody else into it because at the end of the day, it's like, it's a rebound. It was just somebody that was helping me try to get over it,

but without me understanding that like rejection, quote, unquote rejection, if for a lack of better words, is going to happen in dating. Not every person that you're going to go out there and meet is going to be the person. And knowing that, you know, when we come out of something and then you're trying to get back into it especially, I didn't have kids, especially if you have children, it's not about stay single forever until you heal, but it's also not about just jump out there and constantly get triggered and then, you know, be hell in a handbasket. It's like, what is your support system? What are your coping mechanisms? What are your toolbox? Like my mom always asked me, she's like, do you need more tools? Like, what is coming up for you?

And I think just, and then same token of like, when I date people or when I did that were newly out of a relationship or a marriage, there was still that like, hey, whoa, you know, a lot of people are used to being married. And so when they start to date after, they'll kind of act in the same way. And then you have that pullback of like, whoa, I think I rushed into this. like I didn't really process this. So I always just been very cognizant, I think of, and I would imagine maybe this would be good advice, but I'd be curious or thoughts of like when you're going to date somebody

that's newly out of a relationship or divorce to like go slow and to really take your time to get to know these people because like they might not be fully processed and we don't want you guys to jump on into a fake relationship. And then in six months all of a sudden find out that like this person's not actually processed and moved on and maybe they still have something with their ex. Yeah. Yeah. I mean definitely. And on that point, like, so I learned how many issues I had when I got into a relationship.

So I didn't know. I didn't know all of the ways that I was fucked up from my marriage until I was in a relationship and in a relationship with a very securely attached man. I mean, the most secure attachment I have ever experienced in my entire life. I'm like, who is this person? Like, he's so. and like steady and stable and like what is. And I'm like trying to rattle him.

Like I didn't know when I was dating after divorce what an anxious attachment was. And now looking back, I'm like, oh my God, they could have written like a textbook on me of anxious attachment. Like I didn't know that I was like sabotaging and creating chaos. I mean, just all the time. But I was repeating a lot of the behaviors that I had learned. in my marriage. And I didn't, but you don't see those outside of a relationship. So when you, I didn't have those kinds of tendencies in my friendships. I always had really good friendships, really good relationships with family. And so the only way I was going to see them was in a

relationship with a, with a romantic partner. And so we got together, you know, we met and I'm like, this is a disaster. I mean, it was just, it was just, it was disastrous. but he, you know, I've kind of heard you talk about tech guy and, you know, how wonderful he has been in your process. And, you know, my husband Anthony has really been that for me, just so secure and so steady and really called me out on some of my own bullshit that, you know, he was like, you can't act like that. You know, and I was like, oh, what do you mean? You know, like I actually didn't get it. And I was a therapist at the time. Oh, yeah.

But I just had no, like, I worked with trauma. I worked with childhood. You know, there was stuff that I worked with, but I didn't work with that. That wasn't something that was like a specialty of mine. So I really had no concept of what that meant. And he was like, that's not okay. Having somebody that calls you on your shit, like that is invaluable.

Because that's how tech guy is with me. Like, I was just like, hey, your anxiety is getting really overwhelming. Like, it's not okay to say that to me. And you're like, all right, we all know I love love is blind. And that's kind of how I felt about Chelsea on there, Like you can't just, as an anxious attacher, you can't just spew your poison and then be like, well, I was triggered. It's like, that's not, here's the reality. Love is not unconditional.

Love is conditional because we're adults. Like, this is a contract renegotiation. Like, I signed up for this. I didn't sign up for thou, you to be abusive and demeaning and all of those. It's like, actions have reactions. And it's very normal for someone to be like, hey, I'm going to hold you accountable for that shit. Sorry. Like, that's where I get people that'll get volatile with me because I'm like, I'm not

just going to coddle you and say, it's okay, you just have anxiety. It's like a lot of us do. Explanation or an excuse. I wanted to ask you and probe a little bit about dating as a single parent because I can imagine that it was scary that you're like, what the fuck am I doing? And like, how, there's so many questions I have for you. But I would, I wanted to ask like, really kind of first, what are challenges that single parents have just kind of dating right now and like, what were challenges that you had as a single parent, some that we would obviously know? But like just in general, I'd like to hear you. your experience and clinically as well, like what you see. Yeah. So I always like to share this.

I drove a minivan. So like that was terrifying for me. Like rolling up to a date in a minivan felt so unattractive to me. I was like, oh my gosh. Like they already knew I was a mom, which I want to put that out there, like people that ask, do you say on your dating profile? Do you tell people right way absolutely 100% tell people immediately because I don't know why you would want to like meet somebody that wouldn't be interested in somebody that had kids like I just don't even open that door just be right open with it you don't have to post pictures of your children I definitely wouldn't post them on your dating profile or anything like that but mentioning that you have children how many of them you have you know I think it's definitely advisable um but yeah

you know, the, there was a little bit of fear around, you know, is, is somebody going to want to date a single mom of three kids, you know, but I will, I will say that for lack of a better metaphor, I think people when you don't have confidence about your own situation, they will, they're like, men are kind of like force, like they'll spook easy, they can sense fear. So if you are not sure yourself and if you're not sure of your situation like oh well i have three kids yeah it's like you're already kind of devaluing yourself because you have children and i i want every single parent to hear this out there like if you have children it does not decrease your value at all whatsoever and the right person is going to love you and your children and it's it's magical when that happens

and it does happen so i want people to like not only know that it doesn't decrease their value, but, like, also have hope about that, too. I'm so glad you brought that up because that was also part of it. It's like, you know, someone else was like, do I put in my hinge profile? Like, is that enough? And it's like, somebody has, you know, why don't people want to date with a single parent? And it's like, listen, everyone's allowed to have a preference, right? Like, personally for me, as somebody who did date a single parent, it was really tough.

It was really tough having date night. And then the daughter calls. And he would, like, go outside and take a FaceTime for 15 minutes. And you're like, I understand. the kid's calling, but like we're literally at dinner. Like, can you not just call them back? And it was hard because I understood, like, that's your priority. Your child should be your priority.

So I think for people, if you have a kid, like, if you see somebody on the absence, like, I don't want any single parents. It's like, great, next. Like, no thank you. Like, okay, then that just means you're not for me. And for anybody dating a single parent, like, you'd be surprised how many people wrote in saying, I'm dating somebody. They're amazing.

Everything's great. But they have kids and I'm not really into this. What do I do? And it's like, I hate to break it to you. The kid's not going anywhere. Like, yeah. Just don't date them. Like, if you don't like that, but just don't date that person.

It's like having a dog. I'm like, I'm not getting rid of my dog. Like, if you don't like this, then I am not your person. And I think, like, I had a client that wrote in a few months ago saying that she was dating somebody and they didn't tell her she had kids

for like two months. And I was like, I'm sorry, highly inappropriate. Like that would, first of all, I don't trust you. And then she even admitted she was like, it's not that he had the kids. I don't care. She was like, but you didn't tell me?

And I was like, so then it was like, So how inauthentic was he being about everything else that you talked about? How were you talking about past relationships without mentioning that your past relationship you're two kids with? You know, like there are certain aspects. And I think as far as I'm concerned, like, say it out front. I felt bait and switched when somebody would not tell me they had kids. And then on the date be like, oh, by the way, I'm a single parent.

It's like, no, dude, you can't get somebody on the date and hope that you're going to change their mind by meeting you because having a kid is pretty fucking major. Yeah, absolutely. And to add to that, I also was very upfront immediately about not wanting to have more children. So I think that that is another thing that's important to say. And it felt, you know, I kind of went back and forth in the beginning of dating as a single parent. Like, is this something I tell somebody on a first date? You know, hey, I don't want to have more kids because the implication is, I don't want to have more kids with you if that's a possibility.

You know, so it seems like a big deal. but I think it's just like saying I'm dating with this intention. I think it's the same thing. Like, is this a deal breaker or not? You know, I'm dating because I want to have a partner and eventually want to get married, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And so for me, it was one of those deal breaker things that I had to present to somebody, because I didn't think it was fair for me to, because I would meet men that were single that were, you know, in their 30s that didn't have any kids and that might, be saying, well, I'm okay with her being a single parent, but I also want to have my own children someday. And so for me, I was like, I don't want to waste, that's like the thing, when you're dating as a single parent, you have no time. So you don't want to waste your time. You don't want to waste their time. Like, there's no time to waste. And so I was like that I decided that that was something that I was going to tell people on a first day or before a first state. Like, hey, I am a single parent.

I know that you know that. I also don't want to have any more children. deal breaker or not. I'm here for the honesty. I personally, as a woman, I'm almost 34, I don't know that I want kids. Like, I do not have that itching desire. I never have, even now, having a partner, my mom can say, oh, yeah, yeah,

when you get a partner, you'll want it. And I'm like, I just, honestly, I'm not going to lie. We had an extra space in our house that was just like this random, you know, those like random rooms that's like nook that you can't really do much with it. And the old, the people that owned our home that were renting it from had two kids. So it was the playroom.

And we were able to turn it into our recovery lounge. and we have like our, I'm obsessed with my red light from Mito Red Light. Fucking obsessed. And we have that with the mat. We have the foam rollers. We have the TRX bands and everything. And just the other day I looked at Ryan and I was like, I gave my high five. I was like, fuck yeah, single parents in our 30s with disposable income that we could create

this into a recovery lounge and not a child's lounge. The reality is though, he matches that. He is not sure that he wants kids. First date. First thing I asked, I was like, hey, do you want kids? Because I have met many guys that are like, oh my God, I want them tomorrow. And I'm like, not your girl. I am not sure I want them.

them. I am not in any rush. I'm not in any rush to get married or have kids right now. Like, I am loving just living my life and seeing how it goes. But that doesn't mean that I'm right or wrong. That doesn't mean that the person you're dating is right or wrong. And I admire coming right out and saying, I have three kids, not interested in more. Because then for someone else, they're like either perfect, that works for me, obviously for Anthony it did, or you know what, Quinn, that doesn't work. Thank you for your honesty. I do want children. No worries. Like, we have to stop being scared. Yeah, there was nothing against me. if they didn't, like either if they didn't want to date me because I had children or if they didn't,

if they wanted to have more kids and I wasn't willing to. Like there was no, like I didn't feel any insecurity around that because it wasn't, it wasn't about me. It was just about a preference. Like, I don't mind. I don't know that I would want to, would have wanted to date a single parent. I didn't when I was a single parent. I'm, I probably wouldn't have been opposed to it, but I just didn't experience that. But my, my current husband was like, yeah, I don't. I don't know if I want to have my own kids. I think I'm okay. And he's a very, like, steady and, you know, intellectual man who was like, he actually took

some time. He was like, you know, let me think about this. So he thought about it and he reflected. And that also made me feel really good about being with him because he wasn't just, like, answering to something that he thought I might want to hear. He wasn't like, oh, yeah, I don't want to have kids either. It's fine. Let's keep dating.

He was like, hmm, this is something I need to spend some time reflecting on because it's a big decision about my life. And so dating this person, I would be committing to that decision. And so I appreciated that he, you know, it really spoke a lot about who he was, that he was willing to like spend the time to answer that question internally and then, and then give me the answer back. Totally. And I think, you know, now the big question, one of the, probably the number one ask question is,

you know, when do you introduce the kids? Like how do you navigate? Because I know a lot of people were asking, like, I feel guilty for dating. Like, do I take time away from my children? How do I navigate this? Like, especially if, obviously if you're co-parenting and the other parent has the kid for four days a week, okay, well, then now your schedule just lightened up because you now have three to four days. But if you have two, three kids and you're the sole breadwinner and your other partner's not in the picture,

going on dates just now became significantly more involved because I need to get a sitter or somebody that's going to watch the kids. Where are they going to go? What are you going to do? How do you introduce them? So I wanted to just get your thoughts on that because I know reading in psychology today, they say nine to 12 months to introduce the kids to the first nine months. And I'll tell you, parent, product of divorce. I had my mom who I so fucking appreciated. She didn't introduce us to any of the guys she dated because she was like, I don't know if this is going anywhere. I do not know on to involve my children. You know, we were all really like go out and date. She felt guilty. She was like, no, no, it's not fair to you. Like, why am I doing? doing this. Whereas then I had my father, fucking narcissist, who every night's a different woman.

He would be with me. I will never forget when I was with him at dinner one night. He picked up a woman at the restaurant, looked over at me and said, you can walk home, right? And it's 1030 at night. And I'm just looking at him. I'm like, you're fucking kidding me? All I remember was every dinner, a new woman coming to the table, a new person, a new girlfriend, always saying, what does she have that I don't? Like, I'm your kid. Do you not care about me? So it's like, how the fuck do we balance, when do you introduce the children and like, how do you push through the guilt as a parent of being like, oh my God, I'm taking away time from my children, but I also matter. Yeah. Yeah. So I definitely wouldn't recommend introducing anybody to your children until you are

very sure about the relationship. And I mean very sure. Like this person will be in our life. And that might be a bit more on the conservative side, but I think, you know, we have to err on the side of caution. These are our kids. Like, we don't want to fuck them up, right? Like every parent, I always say that, like, every parent's going to fuck our kids, their kids up in some way, shape or form. We don't know how that's going to happen. But if we can prevent it as much as possible, I think that's one of the precautions that we could take, right? Like, I think erring on the side of caution and being very conservative and sure about who, you know, introducing this. person to our children because then then the next test comes of, well, are the kids going to even like this person? That's a huge one because they have to be willing to accept that this person. I have met people who have dated as a single parent that, you know, they take the time, they love this person. They're sure that they're going to be in their life. And then they introduce them to the kids and it like explodes, especially with teenagers, you know, which is very

unfortunate and then you have to navigate that and I think that would that's a incredibly delicate and personal process but being very sure about that person for so months I think that it's hard to get like an actual timeline I didn't introduce my kids to my husband oh gosh they met him like in a in a social gathering but he was just a friend at the time so there was a lot of people there. So he kind of met them, but they didn't know. We didn't hug or kiss or anything like that. So they weren't aware that I was talking to him.

But they didn't meet him. Maybe it was about nine months, like six, nine months, something somewhere around there. And I just felt very sure about him when I made the introduction. And then the guilt piece. Oh, go ahead. I was just going to say, I love that you did the social first, like kind of a little.

bit of a like, hey, yeah, this is my friend, Tony. You know, this is my friend. How do you like him? And if the kids are like, he's nice and you're like, awesome, cool. I just get to see the dynamic. And then to piggyback on that, how did you introduce them? Like, collected, like, did you do dinner? Was it that he came over? Did he bring gifts?

Like, how is a way? Because we all, of course, we want to, you know, don't do it like my dad did where his girlfriend came. And I found out it was his girlfriend because she had a designer bag and said, oh, what? Your dad didn't buy you on? And I was like, you're fucking cunt. Like, I wanted a punch. I was like 13.

Yeah. And it was the woman my dad she didn't know my mom with, the third woman that he did. So I was like, oh, cool. I'm so glad that I was right as a kid. But what is a way that we could do this to maintain the integrity of the children being like,

I'm going to lose my mom? Like, who the fuck is this person coming in? Because there are a lot of emotions as the child. Like, how can we navigate that? Mm-hmm. So it's funny that you're asking this question because I asked my kids this morning. I was like, what would you,

you guys, I'm going on a podcast to talk about single parenting and dating and like what was your guys's experience and that was a question i asked my son i was like how would you like because he my husband was in korea for the first year of our relationship so they kind of met him via face time like the first few times until he like came home he's in the military until he came home and then you know so they really met him virtually for a while before they like spent time with him in person but my son i asked him he's 11 and i was like how would you, you know, if we could do that differently, how would you prefer? What do you think the best way is to do it? And he's like, I think it'd be good to go get ice cream because ice cream makes

everybody happy. And, and, you know, it would just be a good, like, neutral place. He's, my son's so emotionally intelligent, like, blows me away that he would, like, even use that terminology. And he was like, it's just a good place that makes everybody feel good. And I think it would be a nice spot to, you know, introduce. And I was like, yeah, I think that's a good idea. So something that would be, you know, not a super long exposure of an environment. Like if you went, I wouldn't say going on a trip together to be the first time you meet this person, because then you're in a force situation. You can't get out. If there is a lot of emotions, you're having to spend a lot of time together. So I would say something kind of short and sweet where, you know, it's a neutral space where everyone can meet and talk and, you know, and I would say before that talking to your kids outside of that meeting to prepare them.

Like, hey, you know, I, you know, I have been dating somebody. It's time that I want you guys to meet them. How are you guys feeling about this? And I want parents to hear that that's not an opportunity for your kids to give. their input to say, I don't want you dating. And you know, you're not going to have a boyfriend and all of that stuff because it's not their decision. And I think you have to be confident in that as a parent that you're not doing anything wrong. That's going back to that guilt part, that you're deserving of a partner and all of those things. But I do think it's good and fair and important to have those conversations with your kids about your relationship before they meet the person and just to prep them.

You know, you want to be prepared. They want to be prepared. Maybe they have more questions that they wouldn't feel comfortable asking in front of that person that they're meeting. And so they get to ask you, well, who is he? What does he do? Or what is he like? Maybe they're nervous, you know, and just give them some reassurance around that too.

I love that because you're also including them. It's like, hey, this is a family decision. but like, yeah, because someone said, like, how do you date when the kids are always there? And it's like, well, I would imagine, now, correct me if I'm wrong, but I was imagine that, like, when you're dating as a single parent, like, there does have to be an element of reality of, like, if you have three jobs and you're taking care of two kids and you have no time, it's like, well, I don't know what else we can really do besides, like, hire a babysitter. And if you can't, it's like, don't bring the fucking kids on the date.

Like, if you're saying you're so, so busy that you can't date, it's like, I personally don't really know what else to advise, but I'd love your thoughts. on that if you have anything of ways to carve out time for yourself because yeah, relationship is important whether you have kids or not. Like you are deserving of that if that's something that you want. Yeah. And I agree. I think that it is important to carve that time out. And you might have to get creative about how to find child care to get to get out. You know, do you have another friend that's a mom or another friend that's a dad that would be open to having a little play date.

Like, hey, I really want to get out with this person. And then you trade off, right? Like, hey, I know you're a single parent. I'm a single parent. What if we switch off, you babysit this Friday night and I babysit next Friday night. Or I do Friday day, you do Saturday. And you kind of like trade kids. So that's like a good way.

Because as a single parent, you are broke as fuck. Like I was a graduate student, a single parent. I was, you know, cleaning houses and driving. driving Uber and just, I mean, we were living on like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I mean, you are broke. Affording a babysitter is like not a thing. So finding creative ways to create that time for yourself, I think is really important. If you have a village or a tribe, you know, family that can watch your kids for you or friends

that kind of, maybe you do a favor. They do you a favor. Kind of a little trade off there I think is, is good. But I kids are very intuitive and especially with single parents. they'll pick stuff up. I mean, you are sharing about, like, your father and these women that he would have around, I've met single parents who try to introduce their kids to somebody as a friend. Oh, this is just my friend, Mike.

You know, and the kids are like, no, like, I'm not buying that, you know, because they feel like they don't have an option for dating. They don't have time to kind of do it off the parent clock. Totally. I think I yeah, it's like showing your kid the respect as well of like, I'm not treating you like her fucking idiot. Like, you know, and it's or like, yeah, you are still a priority of mine. It's like, but yeah, there's a difference between, hey, I take your, I take your feedback, but like, no, you don't get to dictate my life. You don't get to tell me you're not allowed to

date. Now I don't want to share you. It's like, that's when I'd be like, hey, maybe we should look into therapy for the kid because there's obviously something that they're scared of because they don't want to share me. But I wanted to also kind of ask like on the flip side, you know, when it comes to a person dating a single parent, like, how much leeway do we give of the, like, for instance, when I was dating the guy of the like, you know, literally, like sometimes we'd be in bed, like after having sex.

And then she would FaceTime and he'd be like, I have to go and do roadblocks with her for an hour. And I'm like, I'm still naked, laying next to you. Like the boundaries were just because he was away from her and everything was, oh, I have to give her everything. And I'm like, listen, while I understand that, like you also matter. And so do I.

Like, how much. leeway as somebody who's dating a single parent, do we give for like, sorry, can't hang out tonight, busy with the kids that you're just like, all right, when does it become an excuse versus like actually being like understanding? You know, like what's that kind of walkway, especially because you were a single parent that a person that doesn't have children should be giving? So it sounds like the guy that you dated didn't have very good boundaries with his daughter at all. I mean, having to get off the phone to like play robot. I mean, that just that sounds like there's a boundary issue there.

And I would say it's so different for, I feel like I keep saying this, but it really is so different for every person. For myself, when I was, when I was dating, I really didn't have a lot of time. And having somebody that was understanding of that, understanding of my availability was so important and was understanding of not putting the pressure. on me to hang out or get together or do a date and was willing to be flexible around what I could do because I just I keep saying it like I just didn't have the time. And so that was that was really important that I didn't have the the pressure on you. I think you can tell as you've mentioned

in other episodes of your podcast and stuff like you can tell when somebody is interested. You can until when somebody is putting in the effort. If somebody is, you know, even though I was busy, I was still able to respond to messages. I would face time when they went to bed. You know, I would find time when they were at school if I was off work. And, you know, I made the effort, even though I didn't have a lot of availability there. 100% listeners, nobody busy of something that's not interested. And it's like, yeah, it's like, okay, explanation or an excuse. Like I can understand one simple, hey, the kid is sick. Okay, cool. Yeah, you got to cancel tonight. Like, I get it. You're a human. But it's like, if I get, you know, oh, I can't,

like, I have some people that'll be like, I'm in a long distance relationship. They have three kids. I have two. We both work 10 jobs and we can't see each other. But like, how do we make this work? It's like, yo, sometimes we do just have to acknowledge, like, that's not realistic. Like, I want a six pack and I want to eat Oreos. Well, those don't typically go hand in hand. So if I have a goal and I'm going to, then that means I have to make sacrifices and say that that's not going to work versus, hey, once in a blue moon, the guy, hey, I'm so sorry. Like, my, I totally forgot that my kid has a recital. Can we reschedule our dinner? Like, I think, like you said, if you are making the decision to date a single parent, then there has to be a

flexibility component that comes along with it. In dating in general, should have a flexibility component because if you're so rigid and it has to go how you want, if not it doesn't work, whole slew, new slew of issues that we have to talk about, talk to your therapist with it. But if you're going to make the commitment of like, you know, like somebody, asked, how do I open up to the thought of being a step mother? I really like him, but I don't know that I want that. And it's like, okay, well, that's a decision you need to make. It can't be, you're amazing. I just don't want to be a stepmother. It's like, well, you don't really get to make that decision. What are you just never going to be in the kid's life? And then the kid's going to feel

like you're taking the dad away from them. Like, there's got to be a little bit of a balance here. And I think, I would imagine, as a single parent, you would respect that and appreciate someone giving you that flexibility and opportunity to be a parent. Oh, absolutely. And my current husband, I mean, I praise him all the time because it is a huge thing. I don't want to downplay just because I had a lot of confidence in my, you know, position as a single parent. And I didn't feel like it was baggage. I also realized and identified that like it's a big deal for somebody to be like, hey, can you step? Can you come into my life and not just my life, but my children's life.

and be a step-parent, which in and of itself has, like, all of these different parts and pieces and complexities in it. So you're signing up, like, he was signing up for me and three little kids. And an abusive ex-husband. That was like, we throw that into the mix. It's like, oh, my gosh, he was just an angel to, like, you know, I just praise him because I don't want to take away the fact that, like, these men or women that step into these positions with single parents, like it is a big deal. And I think it requires like a little bit of phrase, like not that you have to bow down to that person,

like, oh, thank you for taking me. But I think acknowledging that it's a big step, acknowledging that they are going to be taking on a role that is difficult and challenging and being willing to be with that person through that process, because it takes a lot. I mean, we have three kids now together, you know, technically his stepchildren, but his children,

that they all have different emotions and personalities and opinions. And sometimes some of them don't click with him. And navigating that is challenging and difficult, but not impossible. And it's still like a wonderful, we have a wonderful family and wonderful environment.

Yeah. And I mean, I can only relate like tech I has a dog. So like, okay, I became a stepmom like in that regard. And it's like, but at the end of the day, like even when I had Clem, to me, it was like, I'm still my kid. Like that's still mine. But if you're coming into it, like, it's still my priority. I'm not going to like throw this on to you and be like, okay, now you get to do it.

Like, no, if it's, if I have specific responsibilities, I need to make sure like the kid, it's fed. The kid has his stuff. I'm not going to expect somebody else to do it unless we have a conversation of like, hey, okay, so can you take this on? But I think, you know, one of the bigger questions also that people ask was like, you know, at least for me, I would imagine, like, are the kids a priority? Will the partner ever be? And like, I've always looked at it as like you said, boundaries. You know, like the person I had, I think he didn't have, he didn't have boundaries with his daughter where he made her the center of the universe. And it's like, that's not healthy. You know, I don't want to be second fiddle. But what I did know was like, okay, I'm dating someone without kids, which means I can say, hey, you want to go away this weekend? And they can be like, yeah, fuck yeah. Let's just book a hotel and get out of here. But. the kids will be a priority in that type of stuff. Like, I personally would never want to date a single parent that's like, yeah, fuck it.

All right, I'll just figure out the kids. They can go to their friend's house. I don't care. Like, no, the kids, the certain amount of like, hey, I'm sorry, my priority is that my children have a recital this weekend. And I need to be there for that. Like, what's that balance between dating someone with a child where the kid is a priority? But how does the partner also play into that?

Like, how did you navigate that, having three children? So I don't think it changes as a single parent or a parent. that is with their biological mother or father. So my children as a priority, it doesn't matter who is in my life or who is not in my life. So my, because it's a different relationship, my relationship with my children is totally different than my relationship with my partner. And they are my, they are my equal. So it, it was easy for me to kind of differentiate from that.

And I also didn't have any pressure from him to try to, not prioritize my children. He always understood the children aren't a priority as if they were our children together. Does that make sense? It's like it's treating it and understanding that like, I actually like that.

That's like, okay, well, yeah, it's the same with the dog. Like, I know that we can't just go out of town and like, I used to get frustrated when guys would be like, oh, I don't understand. Why can't you just sleep over tonight? I'm like, because there's a living creature at my house. Like, if I just sleep over,

he's going to shit all over the floor. Like, sorry, I have to. get home. And I think I like that frame of like, treat them like you had children. Like, would you, if you had children, would you expect that this person would just, you could just leave tomorrow to go to Cabo? Like, probably not. And I think, you know, somebody had asked, like, how do we not make the kids feel alienated? And I think kind of what you've been saying is like, treat them like equals. Like, have conversations with them. Let them know that you are their mother or their father. And like, you love them and you're there for them. And just because somebody else is

coming into the picture doesn't mean that it's going to take anything away from them. but then also acting like that. Because I remember my father gave me that speech, oh, please, no, don't worry, any other woman. And it's like, that went out. That went out the window, the first dinner that I met them. Yeah, you have to follow through with the actions as well. But yeah, like I was saying, like,

just like in the marriage that you had the children with, there's still just as much as a priority as they are in your dating relationships as well. Like, it just doesn't, it doesn't really change there because you're a single parent or not. And totally. And it's like, and here, here's a reality. If you are somebody and you want to date someone where you are their priority, not the children, then stop dating people with kids. And like, here's the thing. I get it. Like someone wrote and she was like, I don't understand. Why are people so against dating a single parent? Like it's fucked up when people on the internet say or like on hinge say no single parents. And I'm like, I'm sorry. Just because you are okay. You have the kids. So of course you're like, I'm fine with it. It's like everyone is I have every right to say I don't want to deal with that. I have every fucking right. Even as a. single parent. I had somebody. She's like, I have a kid, but I don't want to date someone with other kids. It's like, I get that because now you're blending two families. It becomes harder and more confusing. Everyone is allowed to have that. We can't be mad at people for having

a preference when it comes to grown-ass children because you know what that also comes with? An ex. And that's what I was going to ask you next. How the fuck do you navigate co-parenting? Because like I have one client. Like her ex is a raging narcissist. He's trying to ruin every aspect, like planting things into the daughter's head, always like texting her and accusing her and bringing her down, going to the new boyfriend telling him shit, like, it's a nightmare, but like how do you navigate,

you know, I know you have a situation as well, like the co-parenting and telling them like, hey, by the way, I met somebody. And that becomes, I think you bringing up the fact of like an abusive partner versus a healthy partner. So I'm going to start with a healthy relationship in a healthy co-parenting situation.

And I mean this, I'm talking about really healthy. There's no control manipulation, abuse whatsoever. You guys got divorced and, you know, amicably divorced. And, you know, I don't know if that actually exists, but I've heard of it. So that you amicably divorced and you split the kids and everything's good. I think it is good and respectful. And honestly, a great thing to do for them to communicate with them about who you're dating

and who you're going to introduce the kids to. Not necessarily all the details of your relationship. You know, you don't, well, I slept with him on the third date. And, you know, you don't have to like, I don't think that's appropriate or necessary at all. But I do think it's a good thing to let your co-parent know what's happening so that they can also respond to questions. Now, on the other side of it with a partner that might be abusive, controlling, manipuling, manipulative, an ex-partner, excuse me. I think that I would not share what you are doing with them because they can, there's so many

ways that they can fuck with you through that. And I experienced that. I mean, I experienced stalking. You know, when I was kind of talking to my kids about single parenting and dating, you know, my daughter told me that she said, well, daddy always tried to tell me how he was trying to get back together with you and he loved you and he only wanted to be with you. And so, like, there was, like, this manipulation and coercion. And so she never wanted me to date anybody at all because he was, you know, in her head about that stuff. And so anybody that I would date

or talk to, she would, like, demonize that. And again, like, there can be stalking. There can be all these different kinds of control and manipulation tactics. And if you give that co-parent more information, it will only be detrimental. So I would say in abusive or narcissistic, like, co-parenting relationships, boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. I mean, only communicate with them through an app if you can. Only communicate with them through lawyers, if possible. Like, do have everything written on paper. Protect yourself at all cost. Do not engage with the bullshit that they're going to throw at you. I mean, that is like, that's the best advice I can give on that. in that scenario.

It's tough, man. Like, it's, I remember, yeah, my mom, like, she couldn't, she couldn't have a life because anytime my dad would find out that she had found anybody, even him being with women, he would come back of like, that's my wife. And it's like, she's not. You made the decision to walk away from her motherfucker. That's not your wife anymore. Like, you don't get to come back in.

And, like, yeah, it was with my client. Like, I was telling her, I'm like, stop engaging. Like, she would send me screenshots. And it's like, she's telling him stuff. And I'm like, you're giving him ammunition. All you're doing is feeding him more and more. He doesn't need to know of God. He doesn't need to know anything about your relationship.

Absolutely. Nothing. He needs to know nothing. I 100% agree with you. And they want to play the game. They want to engage with you. And I had somebody tell me a long time ago, they were like, you can't play catch if you don't throw the ball back.

So they're going to throw the ball at you, just like with your client, he's throwing the ball at her. And she's just throwing it right back. She's just playing catch. Oh, I love that. Play in the game. And but if she, if someone throws the ball at you and you catch it,

you can't play the game anymore because you're not playing the game. Yeah. I'm not in the game. I'm not doing that shit. And it's funny. I had Dr. Romani on the podcast. Her episode will come out after this. But I asked her,

I was like, how do you co-parent with a narcissist? And she's like, oh, you don't. She was like, there is no parenting with a narcissist. She's like, you're a single parent with someone who's trying to sabotage every single thing that you do. They don't want you to move on. They don't want. And I'll, I mean, my dad.

He would just, your mother's of slut. I mean, you would just shame her. And I remember just sitting there and being like, I was stoked she was dating because I was like, she needs to get the fuck away from you. But I was already a teenager. How did you navigate? Because I'm sure there's a lot of people out there with toxic exes.

And we're not just going to say narcissists. For everybody out there listening, stop diagnosing your fucking ex. If they're a piece of shit, just say it. But stop. Then my narcissistic ex may avoid, like, cut it. Your ex is not healthy. That we know. But how did you navigate with your daughter?

And how can people navigate with a child? children, when you do have that negativity from their parent, how were you able to, like, talk to your daughter about being uncomfortable with you than dating? So, again, it came from, like, a lot of confidence, like, within myself. Like, I really, truly had to know who I was and what I was doing because those types of people will really make you question yourself and your reality. Because similar to your mother, like, I had a lot of accusations thrown at me. You're a whore.

Anytime I was dating, it was like, It was you're a whore. I can't believe you're leaving your kids to go out and get fucked. And I mean, and I wasn't even doing that. Like, a lot of the times I was just hanging out with my friends. But, like, you, when you're playing the game, when you're engaging with somebody who's attacking you in that way. And at that time, I didn't understand or know how to use boundaries.

I learned all that after, unfortunately. But when you're playing the game, you're trying to defend yourself against a reality that's not true. Right. So he was trying to paint this picture of me about who I was and what I was doing that was actually not the reality. And so you can't fight against an alternate reality. It's impossible. So you just spin your wheels in this defensiveness that doesn't really go anywhere. So I had to, you know, I've heard people say over and over, you know, know your truth, know who you are. And I was like, oh, that's such a lame cliche thing to say until you actually have to know your truth and know who you are.

and like being so rooted and grounded in yourself. And I think that that security and suredness and confidence really comes out as a, is it very important as a parent because your kids look to you for, for confidence and security and safety. Because they're going to look at you. Is this the right thing? They're going to be yelling. You shouldn't be dating.

Daddy says he loves you. Daddy says that, you know, you're doing this and this and this. And if you're allowing your child to dictate your. your actions and behavior because they're, you know, maybe being fed other information. And you're like, oh, is mommy hurting your feelings? Is that, you know, kind of being insecure in that? It's, it doesn't, it leads to a very unsafe dynamic because there's no security within yourself.

And so therefore there's no security with your children. And so I think being, that's why doing the work is important before you start dating. Yeah. So that you can have that security within yourself to provide for your children and know that you are doing the right thing. It's okay for you to go and date. Can I ask you, though, what would be a good way to handle it? Because I'm personally very curious. Like, instead of just being like, oh, good, no, is mommy hurting you? It's like, what would a good response if your, you know, when your daughter came to and said, well, daddy loves you and daddy

wants you back and I don't want you to date? How did you handle that? Or would you handle that? So I think that it's important to listen first. You know, I want to validate her feelings. I want to hear her. I want to hear. Yeah. You know, I am hearing. that that is really hard. I believe you. I believe that this is a really hard situation for you. And I believe that Daddy is saying a lot of these different things to you. And I understand how that can be confusing. So a lot of validation, a lot of her really just being able to have all of her emotions, because I don't know what her experience is like, but I want her to be able to believe her own experience. And that is important in developing security and safety within oneself, knowing your own

experience is valid and real. So she's like, okay, I am having these emotions. I am experiencing this. That's important first. And then, you know, demonstrating that confidence of being like, you know, even though I know it's really hard for you, I really want to have a partner in life. That's something that's very important to me. And I don't want to be a single parent for the rest of my life. And I enjoy having a partner. So being able to confidently say that to my children, you know, was really important. I didn't, and I, and I wasn't relying on her validation to let it be okay. I already knew that it was okay, because I do believe it's okay.

And I hope every single parent hears this. It's okay for you to date. It's okay for you to want to have a partner. It's okay for you to get remarried again and not want to be a single parent for the rest of your life because it freaking sucks. It's hard raising kids on your own. own and it's okay to want to have a partner. 100%. I actually, I really love the validating and making your kid like, I would have sold it. Like if that's how my mom was, you'd be like, I know this sucks.

And I get it. Like it's not, none of us really wanted this to happen, but we are there now. And it didn't work out with me and your father. And it's something that I really do want to pursue. And I really hope that you guys will be okay with this. And if not, like, we can have another conversation about it. I'm open. And it's like just even allowing someone to be like, oh, hey, well, thanks for, thanks for putting your kids because I think then your daughter's like, oh, mommy does care about me. Like, mommy does love me. And it's like, but mom also does need to put herself first. Like it's really important because it's like if I'm pouring from an empty cup, your kids are going to feel that versus now having a household and going, oh, wow, look at mommy. She found the strength and she left and she's now has a beautiful relationship.

And now they get a fighting fucking chance to see what love is, to see what a healthy, secure couple looks like. and to say, okay, well, the way dad does things actually doesn't make me feel comfortable. I don't like the volatility and all of that. I really do love the way that mom and Tony are together, Anthony, you know, and that dynamic, like, oh, yay, that's what I want to model this off of because you really are giving an opportunity for not only for you to rewrite a narrative, but for your kids to also start having different experiences moving on. Yes, absolutely 100%. And I think that's part of, you know, I listened to a podcast recently.

And he had a parenting expert on there. And he was talking about, she was talking about like the pilot of the, you are the pilots of the plane with your children. And I loved this analogy. It's so wonderful. She's like, if you're piloting the plane and you have to make an emergency landing. And one of the passengers stands up and is like, no, I want to land in L.A. right now.

And you're like, sorry, you're going to have to land. We're going to land in Baltimore, whatever it is. And they're like, no, you're, you know, they throw a fit or whatever. the pilot isn't going to listen to the person that's throwing a fit and be like, oh, actually, you're right. Like, I'm going to go to L.A. No, you do what's right for the, you know, for the airplane and for the people that are in it. And you land up and you do their emergency landing.

And that's kind of, that's such a great analogy for parenting. It's like, yeah, even though your kid might not love the idea of you dating, we're still not going to let that dictate. what is what you know is best for your life. Now that doesn't apply. Obviously, if there's something really wrong with the person you're dating, maybe if your kids really hate them, then you get to listen to that and be like,

okay, what's going on here? Is this because they just don't like me being with someone or maybe this might be the wrong person? I think giving some validation to that is important with your kids too. Yeah, I love that analogy. And I think what also came to mind was, And knowing that, like, it might be, it might not be a good decision. Like we have, but you have to make a decision.

It's like when you're definitive and say like, I'm confident in my choice, does that mean I'm still a human and it might fuck up? Absolutely. Like, yeah, maybe I date somebody and he's not great. And unfortunately then I now have to deal with it. But it's like at that point, it's either saying, I'm going to be, if you don't stand for something, you fall for everything. And then when the kid starts to dictate and the kid,

all of a sudden, then the kid starts to realize like, my parent has no backbone. I can step all over them. And it's like, woof, we don't need to start creating that dynamic. But I do think, like you said, hearing them is so important because I think that was what was missing for me. Like someone had asked, you know, can like, does dating affect the children of single parents? And it's like, absolutely. Like, of course the kids are going to be affected.

But it's a matter of like to the magnitude, you know, like no kid. I don't know any child out there that doesn't intrinsically want both their parents together. Even like, of course, when I saw my parents unhealthy, you're like, man, you wish you two would just fucking divorce by me. now. But in my core, I was like, I wish I had two parents that loved each other. Like, that's all I ever wanted. So of course, they're going to, there's going to be a resistance and a resilience because that's children. Like, what are we going to do? But I love that, that aspect of like, but I am running the ship. I am into control and I am secure. And I want my child to also know that. It's incredibly empowering.

Man, Quinn, this was such an awesome conversation. Thank you so, so much. And is there anything that you wanted to like leave. I mean, you've shed so much amazing things, but was there anything last thing that you wanted to leave for anyone listening right now that, you know, I think a lot of people are struggling dating as a single parent. And I was just going to see if there was anything that maybe helped you when you were going through this or anything that you want to just bestow on everyone before we part ways. Yeah. Well, I just want to say like, you know, I love sharing my story and everything that I've been through and connecting with others on Instagram specifically. So I'm sure you'll post in the show notes. You can follow me at it. It's Quinn Padilla.

I think the biggest message that I want to bring is like as a message of hope. I hear a lot of people struggle with confidence as a single parent. Is anybody going to like me? Is anybody going to accept me because I have these children? And I want to say yes, the right person will, you know, accept you. Your children are not baggage. You are not decreased in value because you have children, none of that is true. And so I think being confident in yourself and knowing who you are and your own value is very important in bringing that into the dating space as a single parent. Oh, I love that message. It's true. And it's like, I think people think, oh, it's an Achilles heel. And it's like, trust me, there's a lot of us that have issues. There's a lot of

us. It's the same thing is like having a health issue that you're like, I'm scared to say it. It's like, yeah, but then all that means is like redirection. Like if that person's not for you, that's okay. There's going to be plenty of other people out there that don't give a fuck that you have children. And you are the prime example of finding somebody that it worked out really well. And now you guys have a beautiful family. So thank you so much for bestowing all of this. And yes, everything will be in the show notes for people to be able to find you and work with you and ask whatever they need. And thank you again so much for being on the pod. Thank you, Sabrina.