The Sabrina Zohar Show - 67: From toxic to healthy relationships and how to acclimate to a new (healthier) way of dating!

Episode Date: March 29, 2024

On this weeks episode of The Sabrina Zohar Show , Sabrina opens up about her personal journey in the dating world, transitioning from repeatedly choosing toxic relationships to healthy ones. The first step is to recognize our own toxic behaviors, such as ignoring red flags. Ultimately, a healthy relationship requires two emotionally available and secure individuals. By practicing radical self-acceptance, we remain true to ourselves and are honest about our desires and what we bring to the relationship. Sabrina's current relationship has taught her that cultivating healthy communication and reflecting on past mistakes is crucial for contributing to a secure and healthy relationship. Want to work with Sabrina? HERE! Stuck After the Podcast? Master Implementation in 8 Weeks with Sabrina's Foundation Course Join the Make It Make Sense: Getting Through a Breakup course HERE! Get Ad-free episodes and 2 Bonus episodes a month HERE! Dont forget to follow Sabrina and The Sabrina Zohar Show on instagram and Sabrina on Tik tok! Video now available on YOUTUBE!  Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formally known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A.Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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That's gofundme.com. Gofundme.com. Hello, hello. and welcome to another episode of Do the Work Podcast. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. Oh, friends, I love this new world of YouTube. I love this new world of being able to watch the podcast. So for anybody who is not familiar, all of the podcast now live on YouTube.

Do the Work podcast on there. Please go follow. Go follow along. For anybody that knows what's going on in the world, we all know that TikTok may or may not be banned. Who the fuck actually knows what's going to happen. So don't forget to follow along on Do the Work podcast on Instagram. to Sabrina. Zohar, and now on the world of YouTube, you guys can watch all the podcasts. I heard you. You guys requested it. We listened. So I'm so excited. And welcome to another week and this week,

a solo episode. So we get to get a little bit more intimate together. You guys get to hear me chatty Kathy for Lord knows how long straight through. But I love the solos. The solo episodes helped me feel so connected to you guys. And they're just kind of one of my favorite parts of the week. And today, friends, today is a great episode. Today we are talking about from toxic to healthy. and how moving from a toxic relationship into something healthy feels so uncomfortable, how you can support yourself. And I'm going to share honestly as well, like a personal journey of how I went from dating fuck boy after fuck boy to now finding one of the most incredible partners. And is he perfect? No. Am I perfect? No. But is our relationship something that I've dreamt about? You bet your ass it is.

And it takes a lot because it's not just about, oh, I can't find the right person. It's like, but how am I also showing up to be the right person? And that is, so, so, so incredibly important to talk about when it comes to dating. So guys, some very exciting news at this point when this comes out. The course is live. I can't believe it, my first ever course. It is a foundation course of doing the work and it really, really helps call you out on some shit. So it's got over four hours of video content. There's meditations in there that are different modalities that are going to help you. There's like a hundred plus pages of worksheets and it's just, it's cheaper than a one-on-one. I wanted to do something that would be an eight-week course that would really, really give you guys the opportunity to dive in, really learn about yourself, tons of journal prompts, tons of different things that you can start to implement. And it's a community. So you've got other people on there that are asking questions that are part of this. And it's something that you can come back to any time you need it. So all of that is available at Sabrinazoa. Sabrinazohar.com, which is my new website. There's so much newness happening. And I'm just beyond excited. So guys, thank you for everything. Thank you. Please do not forget to.

rate the show. If you're watching on YouTube, follow along and rate the show. Please leave a thumbs up. And if you are listening on Spotify or Apple, please don't forget it. In Spotify, there's three dots at the top of the main page. You click that and says rate show. And on Apple, it's the bottom of the show. You can leave a review and a rating. It helps me grow and it means the world. Guys, I'm so, so excited. So without further ado, let's get right the fuck on into it, shall we? Okay, guys. Yay. We love another week. And this week is a It's a special episode to me because I think, you know, there's a lot of us on this journey together. And I want to even just take a second for anybody that is on their healing journey.

Let's just take a quick second, whether you're single, whether you're dating, whether you're not. I don't really care whether you're in a relationship. It doesn't really matter. I want you to just take a second to acknowledge to yourself how fucking far you've come. How much work and hard work you've put into this. How you every day make a decision to show up for yourself day in and day out. takes a lot of courage and you should be very, very proud of yourself. So I sometimes just like to start with, even as just calling out some wins, because I know, like, on this journey, it feels so

overwhelming sometimes. Sometimes you just feel like, is it ever going to lessen up? Like, am I ever just going to kind of get there? And it's like, you might not. Because here's another reality. And I think it's something that we really do need to actually open up. Just because you're in your healing journey doesn't mean that you're just never going to have anxiety again. Unfortunately, to whatever fucking charlatans or snake oil salesmen that are out there, that is not realistic. And the reason I bring this up is because I find so often that like when we're on this healing journey and we're working through our shit and we're doing our best, there are so many people that'll message me and they're like, wait, you feel anxiety too? Like, wait, you still feel anxiety? Like it doesn't go away?

And it's like, no, because you're human. As long as you have veins and blood running through your coursing your veins, yeah, you're going to fucking feel sadness and emotions and. ups and downs. What this healing journey, it's not that you're just never going to meet a fuck boy or you're never going to meet that person or you're never going to get triggered. That's not realistic. And anybody that tries to teach that to you walk away as quickly as you can. But what this work is doing is creating tools and a resistance and giving you bandwidth to now be able to handle what life throws at you. I'm a business owner. I've been a business owner since I started software. Don't forget, you guys get 20% off on wear software.com. But when I started my clothing company,

yeah, I just thought, no, no, I just need this or I just need that. and I'll feel better. And I remember the partner that I started when we first started, he was like, no, you're just going to have more zeros to your problems. It doesn't go away. You just now have more. And he wasn't wrong. As you scale and as you grow, it's not that you're never going to feel this.

It's that, oh, wait, I have the tools now. And so when it comes to, you know, when we're going from dating and you're always used to toxic and it's just repetitive. And it's the same thing to now then be like, okay, I want something healthy. Let me ask you, do you think your nervous system is just going to be like, oh, my God, I got you. oh, we've always experienced this and this is safety to you. So you know what? Now we're just going to forget everything we've learned. And we're just going to now be super healthy.

It's like, that's just not real life. It's just not. And I think talking about healthy equals boring, it's like, yeah, well, when you're so used to your nervous system being dysregulated, it's really, really tough to think of what does like healthy look like? And, you know, I share this with my sister. Like, growing up, I did not have healthy. I never even had a man or a solid man figure in my life.

Like, my brother was gone by the time I was nine. He had a drug addiction, and my parents sent him to one of those crazy wilderness programs, and he was in one of those schools. And it's like, my parents were the best they could with the information they knew. My mom had no idea that those were going to be so detrimental to the mind, like our family. All she knew was my son's going to die. I need to save him. And then I had a father who was never there, like literally just in and out, hot and cold.

I've been speaking to my family a lot more, like my sister and my mom. mom about this type of stuff. And it's been really like eye-opening, but I always felt like a bother. That was the, that was the emotion. I'm for anybody that listened to my sister's episode, you kind of know. We always felt like a bother. So in dating, when I was dating, all I kept trying to do is, no, no, no, if I can just get these people to like me, if I can change them, then my whole entire childhood will be better, right? Like, look, because that person's like dad, so if he can love me, it's going to just all of a sudden fix all those things that I experience in childhood. And all that does is reaffirm those core beliefs. Because when you're

continuing to go after a pattern or people that are very clearly unhealthy, and it's so funny, because sometimes I'll go live and people will say, but you make it sound so easy. And I'm like, I hate to be the bearer bad news, but like once you're in something a little bit more secure, and it's only, and I get it. It's only until you get there that you can be like, wow, okay, I see what you mean. Yeah, it is a little bit more simple than we ever thought it was. When I think back on all those dating instances and the things that I experienced back when I was single before a tech guy. Now I look back and I'm like, man, no wonder none of those worked out. Like, look at all these glaringly obvious issues that you had. And because I was coming out of like, listen, I was

listening to Spice Girls the other day and Backstreet Boys. And I'm like, no wonder we were all fucked up. Listen to even what culturally we were taught. You know, I'll do anything for you and I'll walk across flames for you because love is all you need. And it's like I was watching 90 Day Fiance say the reunion last night. And the woman was saying, and I mean, don't get me started, to the guy from Moldova. And she was like, well, if you love me, that should be enough. It should be enough to get through all of this. And it's like, but that's just living in a fantasy. Love is not all you need. If that's all you needed, all the world would be a different place. But the reality is when you're a child, when you're six years old, you have no choices. You're right. You have no, you can't choose

this outcome. You can't change your surroundings. You're just like, all right, I have to create coping mechanisms to get through this. And then what happens is, then you become into your adult life. And it's like, okay, well, then this is the cars we were dealt, right? No, you actually now get to make decisions. But it's going to take you time. And so the first place to start, when we're going from, I'm always used to toxic and I really want something healthy, I could almost but guarantee you, you'll meet a ton of people. I don't care what gender you are. What I don't care. It doesn't matter. At this point, we're humans, right? I don't care who you are. You've probably met people that are actually probably really great for you. Or you've probably met the person that wasn't a big

text during you, I don't want this anymore. I'm out. And so you walk away from that without actually giving this person the opportunity to like show up for you in a different way. I talk to tech guy about this all the time. If I had gone based on my old shit, we would never have made it past date one, ever. Because that was my old conditioning. This equals this. And that's why I like, trust me, I'm going to do an entire episode on like sayings that I find are bullshit. But that's why I hate this like, Oh, chalk it up to an Instagram post. If it can fit on a bumper sticker, then it's good. And it's like, but that's not helping anybody.

So instead, we need to really look at like, okay, first thing I want you to focus on are like, what are my patterns? So what are themes and dynamics and past relationships that have shown up? So like, how did you guys interact? Did you find yourself in relationships where there was no trust? There was arguments or an emotional manipulation. Okay, so then what that tells me, if that's the case is like, I need better boundaries. So like I always used to use my body as a way to connect. I would say, well, if he sleeps with me and then he's going to fall in love with me,

without understanding that that's just a bystander. It's like being attractive when people say, well, yeah, but, you know, that person's really attracted. They probably don't have any issues. Now, it gets you in the door. It doesn't keep you at the table. I don't care how good looking. I have some of the most incredibly attractive clients.

Some of these people are gorgeous or very handsome and they still struggle because it's not just of, oh, well, they're attractive. And so it's like that's usually what happens. is like when you're going on in date, then there's something called the halo effect, and that's a cognitive bias. And what happens is the halo effect is, so you meet somebody off the bat, oh, he's tall, or she's really pretty, or they have a good job. So then all of a sudden it gets cloaked and everything they do is positive.

And that's literally your brain being like, no, no, no, that person, pedestal. When we put somebody on the pedestal, we have to remember, we're remimicking child parent dynamic. They're better than me. I have to prove myself for them to see that. So then they're going to validate me. More often than not, when we actually strip back. back, like almost every time I talk to anybody that's like obsessed with somebody, it's very rarely about them. And so even off the bat, we know like what is unhealthy and toxic? It's like the

idealization, putting somebody on a pedestal, thinking things are perfect. Like off the bat, if you're even listening to this being like, fuck, I do that, that's okay. There is no shame or blame in any of this. It's really me just calling bullshit and saying, hey, okay, here are patterns that are coming up for you. Here are things that are evolving in your relationships. Okay, so then how can we show up for those? And for me, what I needed to start doing, the first thing I looked at was my pattern for me when I started dating was, I took all accountability and ownership. I allowed every other person to dictate who I was. If you didn't like me, I was a piece of shit.

If you didn't like me, I was the worst person. If it didn't work, it's because I'm too much and I'm too needy without really looking and saying, okay, what is my part of this? So like, what are the behaviors that I can own? So how, like, was it that I prioritized my partner's needs over mine? So I self-abandoned. I was people-pleasing. I didn't set boundaries or express my emotions effectively. Instead, I would just blow up.

That was my thing as well. I come from a very volatile family where it's just a lot of screaming and yelling and, like, that kind of, you know, I'm sure a lot of people can relate to that. And so to me, it was, my sister always said, shoot, I say that since I could just scream louder than they'll hear you. So that's how I handle things. Those were not serving me and understanding my own shit and saying, okay, that's on me. How did I feel when I was with this person? A question I never used to ask myself. And if I had started to, I would have been like, not great.

I don't feel like they listened to me. That's a common theme. And so I kept thinking, all right, let me just keep dating them because then they'll listen to me, right? If I just keep showing up and show them how awesome I am and just keep being cooler and keep being this and keeping that, I was gamifying it because I kept thinking, okay, if I can do this, Well, then that was me trying to control the outcome because I was so scared that somebody was going to abandon me. I was so scared that my biggest fear was going to happen that I took anything that came my way. And that was the first place I needed to start.

It was going from something toxic of just because they're there doesn't mean that I'm satisfied. And I learned that from my ex and like, great guy, don't get me wrong. I just remember looking and I was like, I don't want to be with him. I don't want a boyfriend just to say I had a boyfriend. I'm a heterosexual woman dating men. So I didn't want a partner just to say I had a partner. I wanted somebody and I, to this day, continued saying, well, I want someone I can co-create with. Somebody that when shit gets tough, that means that we both just communicate through it.

That was, let's get to that. That in and of itself was fucking shocking. This episode is sponsored by One Skin. Y'all, did you know that it's really important to shift your skincare routine with the seasons? So things like dry, flaky skin, redness, even fine lines and wrinkles are a reflection of what's happening at a cellular level. And as we move into warmer weather, it's so important to give your skin what it needs. And so the reason I love one skin is because they're powered by their scientifically proven peptide called OS1. So this peptide reduces the accumulation of damaged aging cells.

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patterns impact your well-being? So like, think about it. Did they, did you always feel anxious with this person? Were you always feeling low self-esteem? Loss of personal identity. Look at how did I feel as well in these situations? because it's really, really important to just start to look at what are my toxic behaviors. And like, not in the like, ha ha, my toxic behavior is like, I eat all the bread at the table.

It's like, listen, you could be cutesy and shit for Instagram if you want to get that clickbait. But like, here we are doing the fucking work. Let's do the work. Let's really look at, yes, here is my shit. So my toxic shit for me was I expected everyone to read my mind. I was terrified to open up because I didn't want to be too much or too needy without realizing that that was just keeping the piece and I was making my shit worse. All I was doing was actually just making relationships worse, not better by doing that. Allowing myself knowing, okay, toxic behavior,

if they didn't text me all the time, then that was it, I'd walk away. That wasn't good for me. That wasn't healthy for me. That wasn't serving me. That was keeping me on an anxious loop. I was looking at low effort. Oh, but he texts me every day. And it really culminated for when Clem died. The guy had been seeing. He was great, great, great, great, great, great. and was texting me every day and FaceTiming me and calling me and we had all these great dates and he was planning them and all that. And then when Clem died, that's really when I started to see the avoidance, when I scratched the surface. I'll never forget being at the vet and the vet saying, Clem has a month to live if you're lucky. And now, mind you, I brought my dog in for a stomach ache

thinking he just had worms or something that maybe he got from like smelling poop. And then I found out that my best friend is got, he ended up having 10 days. I didn't even get a month with him. And it makes me emotional even thinking about it because I remember back on the me that was sitting there and I was terrified. Literally my, it was, I don't know if you ever seen Eternal Sunshine when like the wall started to crumble in his memories. That's how I felt. It felt surreal. I remember just sitting there saying like, you know, you're just, it's like the peanuts, wah, wah, and just saying, I'm sorry, wait, what did you just say? And hearing my mom scream on the phone because she was on FaceTime.

And I remember she said, call him, call the guy, you can't be alone tonight. And I called him. And he knew I was taking Clem to the vet. And I'll never forget. He said, I said, hey, Clem has a month. I need you. And he said, oh, I was planning on watching a movie tonight. This just seems like a bit much for me.

And, ooh, I get emotional. And I remember just saying, oh. Okay, well, I don't want to bother you. And I hung up. And I called my mom and I was like, I can't believe it. He just said that. And my mom said, is that a fucking joke? And I remember just being like, but mom, come on.

And it's like, no, she was right. That person did all this book. But where were they when I needed this person? That's when I realized I was like, oh my God, what am I doing? So what this guy texts me every day? Where was he? Where was he when I needed him? Where was he when I needed somebody?

to just hold me and tell me it's going to be okay, even if it wouldn't be okay, but just to be there. And the reason I share that story is because that snapped me out of, what the fuck is? What am I doing? I was focusing on such low effort bullshit without really understanding, but that's not what makes a relationship. What makes a relationship is when you're in the tough times, who is there with you? That's worth, having conflict and repair is worth more weight than gold. Then it's just some schmo that fucking texts you every day.

Oh, come on. That's just, whoof, sorry, we segued for a little bit. But I really needed to talk about that. Because then when we're really looking at this journey of like, okay, it's like now the next step on of, okay, so here's my part in it. Here is the toxic behavior. I exhibit. Cool. So I've taken ownership of that. Now, I like to look at what is the life that I really want? So when Clem passed away, all I kept thinking was I really want a partner that shows up for me, that's there for me, that's selfless. Like, I'll never forget, like when I broke my foot in August and I called tech guy, all I did was send him the video because I had recorded it to this day. It's not going to ever get published for now. And I remember sending it to him to him and I was like, I think I broke my foot. And I called him hysterical and I didn't even get a word out. And he said, I'm on my way.

canceled the day. He was like, I'm on my way, took me to the ER, got the scans, figured it out. And I stayed at his house for a week while he took care of me because I literally like I couldn't go see a specialist. You know how that goes. That I knew in that moment. I remember even calling my mom saying, I wish he had been there when Clem died. One, I wish he had gotten to meet him. But two, that was the support I was looking for. And so I had to stop and say, okay, what was it that I wanted? I said I wanted all these things. But yet I kept fucking with people that showed me they didn't have the bandwidth for it. So the guy with Clem, I broke it off like a month later, not even. It was like two weeks later because I allowed it. I kind of like let it happen. I was like, all right, let's see. How does he show up for me? How does he show up for me? In a very selfish way is how he showed up for me.

It was just all about him. And I had to make that decision. And I, to this day, I was about to bring him down here for that vacation. And instead I said, I'm done. I was like, I'm leaving. I'm going with my mom. And I met tech guy five days later. I'm not saying that everyone's going to have this journey.

But my point is if we look at what is it that you claim you want to be. want so badly. And then when you meet people, what are the excuses that you come up with? No, no, he's just being too nice. No, he's just too nice. I don't know. I just don't feel the spark. I don't know. I just, I'm not feeling the connection. I don't feel any chemistry. All that is, look up Google Harvard studies on the spark. All that is, the spark has been scientifically shown. It is a rise in cortisol, your stress and a depletion of dopamine, the reward drug. And so your body, notice how when that happens, you start to sweat, your heart starts to raise, your body is feeling that anxiety. And we misconstrue that is, oh my God, it's the spark.

Oh my God. And it's like, no, that's just your body chemically trying to take care of you. More often than not, I'd think about it. Every guy I had like a crazy spark with and it was like, yikes, that ended up being really fucking toxic. My nervous system was picking up on it. And that's what happened is like, we think healthy equals boring. All that means is just that your nervous system is calm. Now, there's a very big difference between, like, when I'm at Tech guy, I just wasn't connecting with him as much, but I would see glimmers where I'd be like, well, he's really funny when he opens up, but then he would shut back down. So I was like, all, give him time versus dating somebody that you're like, well, they'll do. Well, they're nice.

They just treat me well. And it's like, but do you even enjoy again? We get back to like, how do I feel when I'm with this person? Do I enjoy their company? A big thing I'll always say, If you're unsure, if you've been dating somebody first couple of dates and you're like, I just don't know if I'm feeling it. Have you touched each other? I'm not saying sexually or inappropriately. Did you touch an arm? Did somebody put their hand on your leg? That to me has always to this day been such an indicator. Because when tech guy, I was not into him until he like, we were like next to each other and he touched me. And I remember being like, oh. And then we kissed and I was like, oh. I remember feeling it in my body being like, oh, this is hot. And that's when I was like, okay. So like, I'm not. Not a. attracted to him. I was like, but for me, it was just fuck. Somebody wanted to give me love and that went against my core beliefs because I always believed I wasn't good enough. I wasn't worthy. There's something wrong with me. No one's going to love me for who I am. And what terrified me was, oh my God, this guy does, but then he's going to find me out. And then the more we dated, I was like, but he's seeing parts of me and he still likes me. And it's like, all of that was deep-rooted in fear

because I was so terrified that I figured, oh, let me just bounce off to somebody else. Oh, no, they're too good for me. They're too healthy. No, this is boring. Because all of the the other person would have done was continue to reaffirm my belief. See, I'm not good enough. I'm not worthy. All the men I want, all the people I want aren't into me. No. It's just that the people that are into you are trying to make you see something that you don't necessarily see in yourself. And that's why I always ask, like, are you somewhat attracted to this person? If you look at someone and you're like, I can't, I don't even want them to touch me. I'm so grossed out. It's like, then don't force yourself. That's not, that's not going from toxic to healthy. That's

just you just settling and being like, oh, I'll just take whatever there is. There's a very big difference in that. And the biggest component like here is embracing radical acceptance. If you're on this journey of going from toxic to healthy and you really want to find a fucking secure and healthy partner, you've got to understand that emotional availability, one, has nothing to do with you. No, you are not going to change people. No, it doesn't matter how amazing you are. They're not just going to wake up. This isn't cut the bullshit. If he wanted to, he would. Really? Again, how's that going for you? If you're telling me I'm really happy I'm in a relationship and I've always had that mindset,

okay, you do you, baby. But if you're like, I don't know, it hasn't really helped me. I keep doing that, but then it makes me feel worse, right? I feel like shit because then I say, well, if you wanted to, he would, well, then he must not really want to. Oh, okay, well, then there's something wrong with me, right? All I'm saying is let's just get rid of statements and instead just look at, this doesn't work for me. That's it. All I need you to look at is this doesn't work for me. This episode is sponsored by Nutraful. Did you know that hair thinning happens to approximately one and two women? And for years, I thought, no, no, no, that's never going to happen to me. Like, I have a full thick bushel of hair. I'm not shedding or my hair isn't thinning until I passed my 30s.

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and put your best foot forward. And what better way to do that than with NutraFol. The how someone treats you is a reflection of their own challenges, struggles, and low self-esteem. It does not say anything about you. I've learned that with the trolls. When I'll get people that'll attack me and I'm like, yikes, sounds like you just don't want to take accountability. So you just keep coming to me. No, no, I'm the right. Because it's everybody else, right? It's not you.

How silly. It's not you. No, it's just every person out there. Cool. That's the accountability that we want. And so it's like just knowing and understanding like that radical acceptance is going to start with you. The biggest thing I can, the biggest aspect and the reason I'm so compassionate towards other people, which I know a lot of you guys be like, you're really harsh. it's like, yeah, I can still hold compassion.

I can just be direct. Is because if I can have compassion for them, I can have compassion for myself. That's a big aspect. It's like understanding that if you're going to be dating people, they're not going to be perfect. And if every time somebody does something that you're like, I can't handle this, that just shows me that you don't have the tools in order to be in a healthy and secure relationship. Because whatever healthy and secure relationship takes is so much communication, it's actually

painful. It's just one giant conversation. And not in the sense where like every little. thing. But like when things happened being like, hey, like even yesterday, tech guy stopped me, I don't know where he was like, hey, can I share something with you? And we talked about something really intimate and personal and then we were able to move on from it. It wasn't any big. It was just, he was like, I don't want to harbor this. I really want to practice open and honest communication with you. And you know how we got to that point? It wasn't because he's just always been so

communicative. It's because I've been very clear to him. If you're not open and communicative, I cannot be in this relationship. I cannot be in a relationship with somebody who's just not going to themselves. And he could have been like, okay, well, that doesn't work for me. I don't want to express. Then that would have been me going, okay, no worries. That's on you. That would have been the radical acceptance because I can accept myself for who I am. I know I'm a big personality. I know I'm a lot. I know I talk fast. I know I curse a lot. No fucking shit. And you know what my response is? Well, that's who I am. I've worked on myself. I've always am trying to improve. But when people come to me and say, well, you should speak slower. Well, you should just go

find someone else. Because those are the same people that expect other people to change for them. Well, you're not doing it how I want to. You need to change. Instead, why don't we just accept people for who they are and say, well, this just doesn't work for me. I know what it is that I want to need. And that's a big part of becoming a secure person. And I'm not saying that you need to all of a sudden just you're going to be the pillar of health and wealth. You can still have anxiety. I'm still having some anxiety and my partner sales has some avoidance. But that doesn't mean that we don't have a really secure and healthy relationship because I don't let my narrative impact my relationships. I know that our relationship means more than the fucking screw tapes playing in my head

telling me that I'm the worst person. And so if we can even just stop, if we can take ownership of practicing self-acceptance, what are your strengths, your weaknesses, your imperfections, the pluses and the minuses that you have. When you are so aware of who you are, okay, I know my, I know my dark spots. I get it. I know that there are certain aspects of my personality. Same with my partner. He knows his dark spots.

That doesn't mean that we're not exploring them. Because the reality is I'm not trying to change my partner. I bring it to his awareness and I say, what are you going to do with this? I'm here. I'm here to support you. I'm here. You tell me, but what are you going to do with this information? So when we have conversations and I say, hey, your rigidity is driving me and saying,

I can't handle it. Here's what I need from you. What are you going to do? with this information. And his response is, you're right. I need to talk to my therapist about this, because I want to understand where my actions are coming from. That's what I mean by you're not there to fit. You're not their fucking therapist. You're not their mother. You're not their father. You're not their, you want a partner or a project. I want a partner. I want somebody that's going to say, here is my shit. I'm going to work on it. But I also the need to show up is that. And so I want

you guys to take a second now, to take a moment, to take stock on. All. all the relationships that you've had in the last like year. Fine. We'll just do that. Yeah, a year or two. And I want you to just think back on how have they showed up? And then I want you to look and say, now how have I also shown up? What has been my part in this? How have I also been a partner to them? Like to this day, I'll never forget when I expressed myself about me in tech eye and somebody said, well, I don't need to teach my partner how to communicate. And it's like, so you're not communicating with your partners, what you're telling me. If you think, that even just telling your partner like, hey, I see you're shutting down. Talk to me. I'm here for you.

If that's what I don't need to tell my partner, then that means that you're coming in. People should, then you expect people to read your mind. You think that everyone's just going to be able to know what you need, that everyone's just going to be able to act me. That's kind of the point. Being in a healthy and secure relationship means understanding that you have to have compassion for yourself and other people because you're going to fuck up to. You're going to hurt your partner. You're going to annoy your partner. You're going to do things that your partner can't fucking stand. Spoiler alert, it's not just that they're going to do that to you. And so if we know that I can have compassion for myself and when my partner says something, I'm like, you're right,

I fucked up, I'm sorry. I'm a human and I did, I had a low moment. Because then when he, like, we had a big talk on Friday and when he did that, he was like, he apologized and we talked. I wasn't screaming at him and reaming him down. One thing to learn, here's one thing. I want you to just clarify about being in a secure relationship. Being in something that's helpful. when you're so used to toxic, you're going to have disagreements. You're going to have issues. You're going to have days and moments where one person's annoying the other or the one person's being. That is normal. It's not about the conflict. It's also the repair. So when we have conflict, my partner and I, I never cursed at him except for in a sentence. Like, I'm fucking frustrated.

I have never, ever cursed at him. You're a fucking asshole or you're a bit. Never, ever. I don't use words like, never or always. You never do this. You always do this. No. I don't do you. I feel this. So when I go to him, hey, can I share something with you? Because I ask consent. And same vice versa. He'll always do that. Hey, can I share something with you? Because sometimes you're in a moment where you're like, I'm sorry, babe, let me, let me just finish this. I want to be present. Cool. Give that. I'm giving you the opportunity. And then I need to be honest with you. This has really upset me. When you said this, I got really triggered and I found it really inappropriate and disrespectful for me for you to say that. me. I'm not saying anything specific, but this is kind of how you communicate. And then you see, how does that partner take it? It's not that you had an issue. You're humans. And I totally

understand. Like, I love one of my clients and she'll say, I just keep getting triggered by my partner. I think I need to break up with him. And I'm like, that's what I mean by like, are you ready for a secure and healthy relationship? Are you ready to accept that you're going to get triggered and that there are going to be parts of you that are going to come out where you're like, what the fuck? It's normal. And like, here's the thing. Scratch the surface. Like, if you want, instead of saying, you never spend time with me, try saying somebody, I'd love to spend more time with you. And so you never text me. Yeah, they do. I would love to have more communication in between dates so that I could feel more connected to you. There's a way to say it. You can express yourself

and have your needs while also taking care of yourself and then allowing the other person to talk as well. How do you, how did that land on you? How is that coming up for you? Address your concern. I think that's kind of like the big aspect here. Because what I find is the toxic relationships are usually revolved around, I don't want to say anything because I don't want to be too much. I don't want to be too needy. I don't want to speak up. So let me just deal with it. Let me just play chess, right? Let me gamify this versus knowing that, yeah, you might meet somebody and share a boundary or express yourself. And they might not be cool with that. they might say, well, you know what, I don't want to do that.

Okay. Well, do you want to like talk about this? And if they're like, yeah, I'd love to talk about it. Cool. That is worth more weight than gold. Like, I love one of my clients so much. And I know she's listening to this and I hope she knows it's her. And I love her so much.

And she's the type of person that just like, when you tell them, she's like, you're right. Here's my part in it. And here's theirs. And she's been dating a guy. And she has found a lot of excuses as to why this isn't going to work. And we finally talked and she said, I am scared because I think if I say something, I'm scared of pushing him away. And then I said, okay, but how do you feel in that?

And she said, but my needs aren't being met. I don't feel like it frustrates me the way he makes plans. And I said, so you're not doing him or yourself as service if you don't open that up. And how you do that is, hey, I love spending time with you. But I need to be honest with you. The way that you plan is really frustrating to me. I like to know what time I'm going to see you because then I can map that out. I understand if you can't make that time and you don't want to let me down,

but we need to come up with some kind of method that both of our needs will be met since you don't like to make plans and I do. There's a way to communicate with that. And she realized, I'm scared. She was like, I think I go for other people because I'm scared. And a lot of it is fear. But then we have to look at what am I scared of? Am I scared of the reality?

Okay, but I know I can handle that, right? Versus, am I scared of being alone? Well, then at that point, if my mom has always said, you've got to love yourself more than the need to be loved by others. If your main concern is their validation, you will take anything you're given. Versus, I know what it is that I want to need. I'm not afraid to open my mouth and express myself because I know that that is the only way I will have a secure and healthy relationship.

Tech and I never really had a honeymoon phase because that went out the window very quickly. Real life hit us. From the minute I met him, I cried in his car like date six because a song came out about Clem. He lost his job like three months into it, into our relationship. And we were like, fuck, there was just so many things happening that were happening at one. that really what helped us was having our boundaries in place so that we could understand that each other like had needs and wants, but then also knowing that conflict and repair was part of it.

And from early on, I was telling him like, hey, this upsets me or hey, I don't love this or hey, the way you spoke to me or hey, the way you said this. And he would say, hey, you're right. I apologize. I need to take ownership and vice versa. He would come to me like, hey, this upset me. I'm so sorry. I never meant to make you feel that way. So I know.

And I don't, it's not that like this needs to become a chore where you're like, constantly. But if something comes up, take those moments to be like, hey, I got to be honest. Like, this is kind of, these are the moments that I don't feel connected to you. That was a really hurtful thing that you said to me. And I would love to be able to share kind of what came up for me. If somebody is like, whoa, I am so sorry. Like I never. And that's what I mean by the duality. It's not just about expressing what bothers you, but if somebody does that to you being able to say, whoa, I am so sorry. Like I never meant to say that like that. I apologize. That was really rude. And I'm, how can I make that?

What can I do to rectify this? Sometimes even just ego aside being like, you're right. I apologize. But if you feel that. If you're genuinely like, yeah, that was fucked up. I shouldn't have said that. But if you're looking, it's like, Chelsea and Jimmy, great example and love is blind. If somebody says them to you that you're like, hey, I got to be honest.

I genuinely don't see that. I'm sorry. That I can't agree with. Like, you can still hold a boundary. It's not about, let me just, that's people pleasing them. Let me just do whatever my partner says. And the real, and how we get that is like, you got to know yourself. when you know your authentic self,

you know what you're willing to put up with and what you're not. You communicate clearly. You have effective boundaries. You have self-care. You take care of yourself. Taking care of yourself is also saying no. Also saying no.

I used to ask tech guy to do stuff and he would say, sorry, but no. I know that that's your only night, but unfortunately that doesn't work for me. And I'd be like, okay, well, hey, thanks for letting me know. I'd be like, how about next week? You'd be like, yep, how about Tuesday? Great.

So I think it's just when we're so used to toxic and unhealthy, it can feel scary to be in something healthy because then we have to remember like all of those things that you were taught as a kid now I need to go out the window. I am relearning everything. I went from people pleasing mother, narcissistic father to like being walking on eggshells and always being like, I'll just do whatever they want to now going, oh, well, that's not helping me. And that was a promise I made. I will not, I will not allow my childhood dynamic to replicate in my adult life. I refused. I wouldn't allow it. And that started with me saying, well, what are my part in that as well? What's my part? It's not just to everybody else. And I just want you guys to know that like being in a healthy relationship means that you're going,

you're on a team. And so you're doing this because you're trying to find mutually beneficial solutions. It's a win-win. It's not that I'm more important or that they are. And I think that sometimes in the toxic aspect is that we can look at it as, oh, well, I need to be right and all that. And it's like, eh, not really. And so I think the biggest thing to look out here is how silent are you staying? Silence is complicit. Right. So if you're staying silent, then that means that you're okay with what's going on. And if you're not, then it's time to speak up. If this person's not a safe space for you to do so, great. Maybe it's time for us to be aware of, I don't think this person's good for me. I don't think this person's good for me. I don't think this person's right for me. If I can't even just express myself, then how do I'm going to be in a relationship with this person? Because you're going to be triggered as fuck in a relationship. And if you're in one right now and you're like, woof, girl, you're right. Yeah. Being in a healthy

and secure relationship means honesty, transparency, active, listening, vulnerability. And it's not that that has to happen off the bat. But I look at progress, not perfection. Is the person I'm dating willing to look at themselves, willing to take accountability, ownership. Are they willing to meet me halfway? Or is it just everything is up to them? Because then at that point, then my question would be to you, what is that toxic relationship? Where is that keeping you? And I know, I know when you're so used to the ups and downs and the chaos that something healthy can feel really uncomfortable. But I really want you to focus on how am I showing up? How are they showing up? How do I feel when I'm with this person? How does my nervous system feel? How do I feel when I leave them? Do I feel calm?

I feel anxious. Am I constantly checking my phone because I never know where they stand yet because we're not communicating. And I trust me, I know that there's going to be a lot of people that you're going to date that you're probably not going to be able to communicate effectively with. Great. Find that out early. Find those things out early on by just having conversations with somebody when you guys go out. That's why I suggest date somebody through seasons, season dating, whatever. Date somebody so that you can really see who they are. not who you want them to be. And that's another thing is like when we're so used to toxic, we're looking at potential. Where do we also learn that? Oh, I don't know, Disney fairy tale, loving like backstreet poison and sink and having

Hanson posters where I lit up in my room. That could also be where I learned that from because it's unrealistic. And it's just being really real with yourself to say, how am I showing up? How do I expect other people to show up? And what feels uncomfortable? Am I walking away from this person because I genuinely, I don't like being with them. Like, I'm not that interested in them.

I don't see us actually being together. Or am I just fucking terrified that this person actually sees within me things that I now need to see within myself? And that walking away is easier because I want the highs and lows. All right. Well, when you're chasing a feeling, you can't be shocked that that feeling eventually is going to fade because nothing sticks around for life. I can feel so connected to my partner and then the next day not. That's just being human.

And that's just understanding that it's going to ebb and flow. It's not always going to be super. we're consistent in that regard. But you know what is consistent? The energy I put forth in this relationship. Don't listen to anybody online that's telling you, oh, well, we never fight. And it's like, I don't know that that's necessarily healthy. I don't want a screaming match, but I do want disagreements. That's healthy to me. Hey, that doesn't work for me. I want to know that you're a human and that you can speak up and that you're not just going to take my shit. That's really hot. This episode is sponsored by thesis. Y'all, you know me. I'm very, very open about

the things that I've struggled with all my life. And one of those things that I've really struggled with is attention, is being able to actually just sit down and focus on a task in hand without overthinking or spiraling or running around. And that is why I've actually been using thesis for quite a bit of time. And that's why I'm so obsessed with their logic blend. And so what is thesis? They are neutropics. Neutropics are powerful natural nutrients that boost your cognition. So there are tons of different neutropics like caffeine, et cetera. And not everything is a one-size-fits-all. And so the reason I love thesis is because you go on, you take their quiz, they give you a recommendation of different blends, different things that you can try. You'll get four different types. You try them for each a week and then you can see what

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take thesis.com slash do the work and enter the code do the work after taking your quiz. I am just so excited and I can't wait for you guys to find your blend. So guys, I hope that this was able to shed some light on going from something that feels really normal and comfortable. You got to remember, when I started working out and going to the gym every day, yeah, it fucking hurt. It felt really weird. It felt awkward doing certain moves. Like dead lifts. I was like, what the fuck are we doing here?

Why are we doing this? And then you're like, oh, I get it. It's a muscle. I have to grow. That's the only reason I compare that shit. We got to grow that muscle. And so I want you to start practicing. when you go out and you start to see that unavailability,

how honest are you being with yourself? Are you saying, oh, I see the red flags, but L.O. L.L. Red's my favorite color. And it's like, yeah, again, that's cute for an Instagram post. Not as cute when that's your real fucking life. Not as cute when you're like, yeah, but I'm feeling really sad and lonely at the end of the day. And as much as I can use humor to deflect,

it doesn't feel good that I consistently put myself worth in validation. Talk to a therapist. Talk to a coach. Talk to somebody, a friend that can help you because it's not about, and I actually, one thing I will say, the biggest marker that I realized that my relationship was healthy was I stopped talking to all my friends and family about it and instead I dealt with my partner. That was the biggest indicator that I had a healthier relationship. I no longer needed to go to everybody else and play FBI. I just needed to talk to my partner.

And I felt comfortable and safe to do so. So, guys, as always, another awesome fucking episode. Thank you for everything. Thank you guys for support. Thank you for following along. Please don't forget to rate the show, review the podcast, wherever podcasts are found. Go grab the course, follow along on the socials, do the work podcast and Sabrina. Dot Zohar on TikTok and Instagram for now. And don't forget, this is going to be on YouTube. So you guys can watch this lovely face anytime. And there's going to be more content on there on YouTube coming soon. So I'm excited. Guys, as always, I'm proud of you. Keep up the good fucking work. And until next time.